The Last Best Days, Hotch/Rossi, NC-17 (9/21)

[innerslytherin]

Title: The Last Best Days
Author: innerslytherin and severity_softly
Artist: tli
Pairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 147,800
Summary: Futurefic--Shortly before Dave turns sixty, he is diagnosed with a grade III brain tumor. He and Aaron have to come to terms with what this means for their relationship. Eventually the team has to help Aaron say goodbye.
Notes: Heavy angst. Lots of medical detail. Character death. This fic would not exist without the extensive help, support, encouragement, and hand-holding from resolucidity, who served as our medical consultant throughout.

Master post



Chapter Nine

Over the next few months, life settled back into its old ways, and Dave seemed to enjoy the work more than he ever had. He also seemed to enjoy their down time more, and he'd definitely not been in the habit before of dragging Aaron into hidden corners of public places just to make out. It seemed hard to believe, but Aaron actually started wondering if the cancer had actually been good for Dave, in a way. He'd cut back a great deal on his drinking, and he did a lot of walking, and actually seemed to be living life more fully now that he'd recovered from his fight with cancer.

Aaron had seen Dave writing a lot in a leather-bound notebook; and though Dave hadn't really talked about what it was, Aaron had the vague idea that Dave might be working on a new book. Whatever it was, Aaron wasn't concerned. He was just grateful that he had his lover and partner fully as a part of his life again, both at work and at home.

Their sex life had also never been better. The first few times had been fantastic and a thrill, but now there was more love, and more knowledge of each other's bodies, and the unspoken understanding that they should celebrate what they had as long as they had it. They'd been so lucky.

Which was why every headache, big or small, was worrying, or the way Dave sometimes got tired more easily gave Aaron little flutters in his stomach. And when the headaches began affecting Dave's vision several months after he had been cleared, Aaron was seized with panic deeper than he'd felt in a long while.

Dave sighed and lifted his head from his hands. "Aaron, would you quit fussing at me? I took some pain-killers. I'll be fine." Aaron didn't know if Dave had realized there was a pattern or not; he didn't think Dave would keep his concerns from Aaron, but it was a possibility.

"I'm not fussing," Aaron said, settling in a chair across the study from Dave.

"Fine, hovering then," Dave said. He frowned and rubbed idly at his head. "My last MRI was still clear."

"I'm not hovering," Aaron said. "A couple of months is long enough for something to have changed."

Dave sighed again. "I take it you think they're getting worse," he said, watching Aaron. His tone of voice didn't give anything away, but his eyes were worried.

"I think they're getting more regular," Aaron said, frowning. "I don't know how they feel. Are they getting worse?"

Dave sighed and closed his eyes, rubbing at his eyelids for a moment. "I was just gonna wait til the next MRI." His lips tightened. "They've been different lately. When I get them, it's like I'm trying to look at things through a tunnel. I..." He paused, obviously straining for a word, then shook his head. "We knew it could come back," he said quietly.

Aaron's chest squeezed painfully. "We don't know it has," he said. "Could be nothing."

Dave smiled crookedly. "Now you sound like me," he said. "About a year and a half ago." He sighed and got up, crossing the room to sit on the arm of Aaron's chair. "Aaron..."

"We don't know," Aaron said again. "We should check it out, but..." He sighed, and wrapped his arm around Dave, giving him a gentle tug to say he wanted Dave in his lap.

Dave settled there obediently and kissed Aaron. "I'm not automatically assuming the worst, but it's a possibility, and we both know it," he said.

"I know," Aaron said. "I'll call the doctor, and we won't say anything until we know." He had a feeling Spencer had noticed. He wasn't going to tell Dave that, though.

"You don't have to make the...the...thing for me," Dave said, but he nuzzled his face against Aaron's neck and kissed it.

"I don't have to do anything," Aaron said, tightening his arms around Dave. "I want to." Actually, he didn't. He didn't want to face the doctors again. He didn't want Dave to be sick again. He didn't want to see them look at him the way Dave had when he'd said they knew it could come back. It had only been seven months since Dave had been cleared the first time. But he knew he should be the one to call. He knew however scared he was, Dave was too.

"I know," Dave murmured. He brushed his fingers through Aaron's hair. "I hope we don't have to go through all of this again."

"Me too," Aaron said. He squeezed Dave again and drew a slow, steady breath. "We got through it last time, though," he said. "No matter what, we will again, if we have to."

"Yeah," Dave agreed. He pulled back and smiled at Aaron. "Anyway, whatever happens, I did get to prove Spencer wrong about something. I did go back to the BAU."

"And you're staying," Aaron said, pulling Dave in for a kiss.

Dave made a muffled noise of agreement into the kiss, then pulled away long enough to whisper, "Yep." Then he kissed Aaron again, stroking his fingers through Aaron's hair. "You've been so strong. I don't want to put you through this again."

"Dave, you're the one going through it," Aaron said.

Dave raised an eyebrow at him. "And I know how hard it was on you last time. No matter how much of that you tried to hide from me."

"I'm not the one that had my head cut into," Aaron protested, and when Dave opened his mouth to reply, Aaron sighed and pressed a finger to his lips. "I don't want to argue about who has it harder," he said, then replaced his finger with his lips.

He felt Dave sigh, but apparently Dave didn't want to argue, because nothing else interrupted the kiss, and pretty soon Dave was making quiet noises that usually preceded Aaron's tie being pulled open. Or possibly Aaron's pants being pulled open and his tie getting messy.

Aaron slid his fingers into Dave's hair, deepening the kiss, and then he felt Dave's fingers pulling at his pants button. He wondered if Dave was, at least partly, trying to do something to make up for causing Aaron to worry, so Aaron pulled back and looked at him. "You don't have to do anything. I'm fine just sitting here with you."

Dave raised his eyebrows. "You don't want me to suck your cock?"

Of course, that question sent blood rushing to Aaron's groin. "That's not what I said," he replied.

Dave grinned. "Just checking." He finished tugging Aaron's pants open and slid to the floor. It wasn't quite as graceful as it had been seven years ago, but Dave's expression was no less enthusiastic. "Besides, I haven't done this since we were in New Mexico on the Miller case." His grin turned wicked. "In the shower. Right next to Spencer's room." He snickered and worked Aaron's cock out of his boxers, leaning in to take him all the way in, no teasing at all.

Aaron groaned, dropping his head back and arching into the wet heat. "Oh, God," he murmured, sliding his fingers into Dave's hair. "God, you have a talented mouth."

Dave hummed and worked his tongue against Aaron, sounding amused. His hand curled around Aaron, stroking in time with the rhythm he set with his mouth. He obviously was trying to drive Aaron to the edge as quickly as possible.

"Yes," Aaron panted, shifting again, and Dave nudged Aaron's hip a little, inviting Aaron to thrust. It was something Aaron had avoided since Dave had gotten sick, but this time he groaned and rocked his hips up. "Dave," he murmured, then bit his lower lip as his body started to tingle.

Dave let out a long, low groan, sucking hard, as his fingers slid up to squeeze lightly at Aaron's balls. Aaron's breath went ragged and he thrust a little harder, his fingers tightening in Dave's hair, though he was still cautious not to choke Dave. "Yes," he groaned again, his own rhythm faltering as his body tightened. "Yes."

Dave gave him a hint of teeth, and Aaron cried out as he came, pleasure flooding his body and sending little shockwaves of sensation through him. He was dimly aware of Dave's mouth still moving on him, swallowing his release and licking him clean, but he just let his head fall back against the chair and closed his eyes. He felt Dave tucking him back inside and heard him shift, and then Dave was in his lap again, kissing him tenderly.

"Mmm," Aaron hummed, kissing him back lazily, tasting himself on Dave's tongue. "God," he breathed when Dave pulled back. "You?" He lifted his hand to touch Dave, but didn't open his eyes, so he just clumsily touched Dave's stomach.

Dave chuckled and kissed him again. "In a minute," he said. Aaron felt fingers stroking his cheek. "I love looking at you like this."

Aaron just let out a pleased noise, a long, happy sigh, and turned his cheek into Dave's hand. His lips curled slightly, and he eventually forced his eyes open, giving Dave a sleepy smile.

"God, you're gorgeous," Dave murmured, trailing his fingers over Aaron's lips. "I have been so blessed to have you in my life." He leaned in and kissed Aaron again. "So what do you feel like? Want to suck me?"

Laughter bubbled up in Aaron suddenly. "Well, that was almost a romantic moment," he teased.

Dave grinned. "You get enough of those. I like making you laugh."

Aaron chuckled and lifted a hand to stroke Dave's cheek. "I feel like whatever you want."

"Yeah, I think your mouth on me, then," Dave murmured, turning his head to kiss Aaron's palm.

"Don't want to fuck me?" Aaron asked, feigning disappointment, then he gave Dave a nudge. "Need to get out of my lap."

Dave shrugged. "I always like that too, but you did ask what I wanted..." He got to his feet and watched Aaron. "I just can't help it. The thought of those lips around me is sometimes too much to resist. Especially when I think of how authoritative you can be, the way you give orders with that mouth and explain profiles with that mouth. The way that mouth of yours can reduce someone to shreds when you really want..." Dave grinned. "And then you use it on my cock."

Aaron slid out of his chair and to his knees, not letting Dave sit as he pulled open Dave's pants. "That's the most enjoyable of all the things you just listed, by far." He pulled Dave's pants and boxers down roughly, then said, "Keep talking like that," and closed his lips on Dave.

"Fuck," Dave bit out, his fingers sliding into Aaron's hair. "Sometimes we'll be at the round table and...ahhh, I'll watch you talking and...nnnnh!" His fingers tightened. "I think of how deep you can take me and--mmmm, Aaron, God--" His other hand landed on Aaron's shoulders, digging in lightly. "Want to push you down in the conference room."

Aaron groaned around Dave, making Dave's hips jerk. It was probably cruel to make Dave stand for this, but Aaron loved to watch him wrestle with his control. He slid down as far as he could, squeezing Dave's balls gently, and then went back to bobbing his head.

"God!" Dave managed, tugging at Aaron's hair. "Think of you sitting inmmm...witness stand giving testimony..." He was panting, his hips jerking again. "Fuck--think about taking you right there--in front of judge and everybody."

Aaron moaned, and looked up, his eyes smiling at Dave as he sucked harder, rolling his palm against Dave. He slid his other hand up and under Dave's shirt, plucking lightly at a nipple.

"Think about bathroom on the jet," Dave gasped, his eyes rolling back a little as his eyelids drooped. He paused and panted, watching Aaron heatedly. "Mile-high club..." The words trailed off in a whimper. Aaron could feel Dave trembling, probably with the effort of not thrusting, or maybe with the effort of keeping his knees locked.

Aaron slid both his hands down to Dave's ass and squeezed, supporting just a little and pulling Dave in again as he took all he did with another drawn out groan, adding a little extra stimulation almost from root to tip. He heard Dave gasp, and then Dave's fingers tightened in his hair.

"God, close, Aaron--" Dave broke off with a long moan, then he tensed and came. His fingers gripped Aaron's shoulder probably hard enough to bruise as Dave's knees started to buckle.

Aaron sucked as Dave pulsed into his mouth, but he reached up to brace Dave's arm as well, his other hand gripping Dave's ass tighter. He stroked his tongue against Dave until Dave was spent, then pulled back and smiled up at Dave, loving the expression on his face.

"Fuck," Dave breathed, lowering himself to his knees in front of Aaron. "You're so damn good at that." He leaned in for a kiss, then pulled back and just stared at Aaron. "I love you."

Aaron smiled at him, and cupped Dave's cheek with his hand. "I love you," he whispered, then kissed Dave again.

Dave smiled slowly. "Maybe we ought to go to bed for round two," he suggested.

Aaron grinned. "Ready for a round two so soon?" he asked, casually putting Dave back in his pants and zipping him up.

"Mmm, sometimes you act surprised that the radiation turned me into a sex god," he said, and kissed Aaron briefly.

Aaron laughed again. God, Dave was the best thing that had happened to him in a long time. He wrapped his arms around Dave and kissed him again. "I was sort of hoping for Spiderman with Jack," he teased, then got up and tugged Dave to his feet. "Not that I'm complaining."

Dave snorted and groped his ass. "You know, I always thought Spiderman was kinda creepy. Batman, now, Batman was cool." He grinned and led Aaron towards the bedroom, switching off lights as they made their way through the house.

"He was bitten by radioactive spiders, Dave. How is that not cool?" Aaron got the living room light and came back down the hall. "Or at least that's what Jack tells me."

"Spiders are creepy," Dave muttered. "Bats aren't."

"Eh," Aaron said, shrugging. "Does it matter? If we dress up for Halloween, I promise you can be Batman," he teased.

"I want you to be Batman," Dave protested. "You've got the brooding, mysterious thing going for you. You could pull it off." He pushed Aaron towards the bed, kissing him slowly.

Aaron laughed against his mouth, sliding his fingers into Dave's hair. "What are you going to be?"

Dave snickered. "Robin. Clearly Dick Grayson had a thing for Bruce Wayne." He tucked his fingers inside Aaron's shirt.

"I would pay money to see you dressed up as Robin," Aaron whispered, grinning. He couldn't get enough moments like these, he mused. He couldn't lose this.

"You just want to see me in tights," Dave countered, and kissed him again.

"Maybe," Aaron said. He started to pull Dave's shirt off, wanting to sleep with him naked.

"Well don't hold your breath," Dave said, helping Aaron with his shirt. As soon as he had it off, he was tugging at Aaron's clothes, and soon they were both naked and Dave had the covers pulled down.

Aaron climbed in the bed, and pulled Dave in after him, wrapping him up in his arms and pulling his close. "You're such a tease."

Dave chuckled. "You could try offering sexual favors to see me dressed up as Robin," he suggested, twining a leg around Aaron's. He kissed him slowly, one hand sliding into his hair.

Aaron chuckled. "Anything you want. But I do that anyway."

"Good point." Dave pushed himself up on one elbow to look at Aaron. ""You give me so much," he murmured, brushing his fingers down Aaron's cheek.

Aaron smiled up at him, then caught Dave's fingers and turned his head to kiss them. "I try. I want you to have... all of me." He laughed quietly. "'Everything is a bit grandiose, but I can at least give you what I have."

Dave smiled, his gaze bright on Aaron's face. "You do give me everything, Aaron." He leaned in for a kiss. "My life has been so good with you in it." His expression was warm. "You give me strength when I need it, but you're not afraid to be vulnerable with me. You love me and respect me, and I love and respect you. You've been the best partner I could ever have asked for. I try every day to deserve you."

Aaron pulled Dave down for a slow kiss, his fingers playing in the tips of Dave's hair. He had a feeling what was bringing this on. Dave was scared, but he didn't want to admit it. Aaron didn't really like the idea, either, but he knew better than to point it out. "I love you," he murmured instead.

Dave hummed and kissed him again. "I love you," he whispered. His fingers stroked down Aaron's chest, tracing his collarbones and running over the contour of muscles. His touch was soft, almost reverent, and Aaron had a feeling that 'round two' wasn't really going to be about sex.

Aaron closed his eyes, inhaling deeply and enjoying the way Dave's fingertips felt against his skin. "What did I do to deserve this?" he whispered.

"You made me fall in love with you," Dave murmured, his lips brushing against Aaron's jaw. "You promised to be here with me and you have been." He pressed his palm lightly to Aaron's stomach. "You always back me up."

"You're getting sappy in your old age," Aaron told him.

Dave snorted. "I've always been sappy," he muttered, and closed his lips around Aaron's earlobe, sucking lightly.

"Mmm, sappier," Aaron said, grinning and turning his head to let Dave have easier access.

"Shh," Dave breathed and scraped his teeth lightly against Aaron's ear.

Aaron chuckled, but just tightened his arms on Dave. "Don't stop," he whispered. "Don't ever stop."

"I promise," Dave whispered, nuzzling behind Aaron's ear. "I'll be sappy at you forever."

"You can yell at me forever, for all I care." Just don't leave me, Aaron thought. "I just want you with me."

"I'll always be with you," Dave promised. He pulled back enough to look into Aaron's eyes. "You know I'll love you for the rest of my life." Then he leaned in and brushed his lips against Aaron's. "Hell, we've made it longer than two of my marriages already."

Aaron made an amused noise but it didn't sound quite right. Suddenly, he felt like a boulder had settled on his chest. He sighed after a moment, and pulled Dave into a needier kiss.

Dave wrapped his arms tightly around Aaron and met his kiss with a passion that was almost desperation. He didn't speak, but the way he held on told Aaron almost more than he wanted to know about Dave's state of mind.

He slid his hand down over Dave's back, tracing his fingers against the small of it, then stroking them down over the curve of his ass. Dave's body wasn't perfect, but Aaron loved every bit of it. He hummed a little noise into the kiss, not ready to let go.

Dave only pulled away when they were both breathless and panting, and even then he kept dropping quick, needy kisses against Aaron's mouth. Aaron had seen Dave angry and sad and tired, even scared, but the fear he could sense in Dave now was almost too much.

Aaron drew in a ragged breath, and tightened his arms around Dave, sliding a hand up into his hair until Dave stilled. "I love you," Aaron whispered, holding Dave close, hoping he could make Dave feel safe just like this, even if he knew it wasn't that simple.

Dave's breathing went a little ragged, but he relaxed against Aaron. He didn't answer for a long time, then breathed, "I love you so much, Aaron." He drew in another ragged breath. "I want us to get old together."

"Me too." Aaron felt his eyes prickle, and held Dave tighter so he wouldn't pull back and see him like this. He got it under control a moment later and stroked his hand over Dave's hair. "Maybe right now we should just sleep, though. We can grow old tomorrow."

Dave sucked in a long breath, then shuddered and shifted as if he was trying to get even closer. It wasn't possible, but Aaron understood the feeling. "You're my solid ground, Aaron," he whispered finally.

"Oh, Dave," Aaron murmured. He kissed Dave's forehead, wishing he felt as solid as Dave thought he was. "You're mine."

***

Dave knew what Doctor Morgan was going to say before they'd done more than shake hands and exchange greetings. They sat down and Aaron's fingers curled around his immediately. Dave squeezed gently, but didn't look away from the doctor as he leaned on his desk and met Dave's eyes.

"It's good that you came in when you did, Dave," he said quietly. "I'm not going to beat around the bush. Your suspicions are correct; the cancer's returned." He paused, but Dave had known he was going to say that. Dave didn't say anything.

After a moment, he realized Aaron wasn't speaking either, and he turned to look at him. He saw the lost expression on Aaron's face, and then Aaron must have realized he was looking, because the expression went back to that one of quiet strength Aaron wore so often when he glanced back.

He squeezed Dave's hand and looked back at Dr. Morgan. "What does it look like this time?"

Doctor Morgan hesitated. "It's not good, but it's not nearly as bad as it could be," he said after a moment. "That said, I think it's best that we pursue a different course of treatment this time around."

He looked at Dave, but Dave still wasn't sure what to say. He knew Aaron wanted to be strong for him, but sometimes Dave needed to be reminded that Aaron trusted him with his emotions, and the fact that Aaron had tried to hide his reaction hurt. Dave looked at Aaron for a long time. Finally he turned to Doctor Morgan. "Walk us through it," he said quietly.

The doctor explained that they wouldn't do radiation again, but that the chemotherapy would be much more aggressive. Dave would almost certainly lose his hair this time around, though he wasn't as alarmed about that as he'd expected, considering he'd had a good portion of it shaved for the tumor resection anyway, and had kept it cropped short since then. It was the knowledge that the new chemo drug was going to cause nausea and diarrhea that really unnerved him. Doctor Morgan mentioned the possibility of a second operation, but he also seemed less inclined to that course of treatment.

As Doctor Morgan wound down his explanation, Dave closed his eyes. He needed Aaron to say something. Anything, at this point.

"And what's the prognosis?" Aaron asked after a pause where he'd obviously been waiting for Dave to talk again. His voice was quiet, but calm, smooth, and Dave sort of wanted to hit him for it.

"To be honest, Aaron, I don't want to talk about statistics." Doctor Morgan had been watching Dave's face, but he turned to Aaron, his expression serious. "For one thing, new studies are coming out all the time, and for another, Dave is a determined and strong man, even at sixty. Would this be better if he were under forty? Yes. Would this be better if the recurrence had waited another six months? Yes. But we can't change that. What we need to focus on is treatment and attitude." He looked at Dave again. "I know you've been through a lot. Both of you," he added, with a quick glance at Aaron and back. "But I also know how determined you both are to beat this. I know that you have a fantastic support network. I think you ought to take tonight to consider the treatment options I've given you. We'll fit you in again on Friday, and I'll have resources made available so we can begin treatment then, if you so choose."

Dave saw Aaron nod absently next to him, and then they both just sat there again. To his credit, Dr. Morgan didn't seem bothered, but then Dave figured he was probably used to all kinds of reactions to this by now.

Aaron sighed, and squeezed Dave's hand again, then turned to look at him, waiting for Dave to reply.

"Don't you have anything to say?" Dave asked him. He could hear the bite in his voice, and he hated himself for it, but he couldn't seem to help it. Shout, cry, get angry, anything, he pleaded silently. Just stop being so fucking calm.

Aaron frowned, and just stared at Dave for a moment, his expression clouding. "What... Is there something I should be saying?"

"There's gotta be something," Dave said. He saw Doctor Morgan shift in his seat and lean back a little, but he was suddenly furious at Aaron, and no matter how unjustified it might be, he couldn't hide it.

Aaron seemed to realize that. He tensed, and Dave saw his jaw tighten for a moment. "There's plenty I would like to say, Dave, but I don't think any of it is particularly helpful at this point in time."

"Yeah, okay," Dave said, clenching his jaw. It wasn't okay at all, but even though the thought of pissing Aaron off by throwing a minor tantrum in the doctor's office was a tempting one...he had a feeling it wouldn't make him feel any better either. So he stood up. "Thanks, Doc," he said, extending a hand for a brief shake. "See you Friday I guess."

He knew his voice was still clipped, and he didn't bother trying to hide the anger in his movements, but Doctor Morgan took it in stride and just murmured a farewell as Dave turned and headed out the door.

He heard Aaron sigh and say something to the doctor, but he just slammed the door shut behind him. That did sort of make him feel better... for about three seconds until he realized one of the nurses was looking at him like she was afraid he might start hitting people.

He gave her a guilty, but half-hearted apology, and headed out of the office, stopping to pay on his way out. He was nearly to the car when Aaron caught up with him.

"Dave," he said, his voice terse.

Dave just grunted and kept walking. He didn't want a lecture about his behavior. He was the one who was sick, Goddammit, so Aaron could just keep his lectures to himself. Feeling sorry for yourself, Davey, he thought, and he didn't give a damn about that either.

"Fine," Aaron said. "Don't talk to me." He made his way around the car, hitting the keyless locks. When he got in, he jerked the seatbelt so hard it locked up, and he had to take a deep breath and try again.

"Don't talk to you?" Dave repeated incredulously. "You're the one who doesn't have a fucking thing to say!"

Aaron shook his head and looked at the roof of the car for a minute. "What do you want me to say, Dave? I'm trying to be rational here--"

"Maybe I'm not interested in being rational!" Dave all-but-shouted. He cut himself off by snapping his mouth closed, but his chest felt like it had seized up with the effort of not going on shouting. Finally he squeezed his eyes shut and let out an explosive breath.

"Well, one of us should be," Aaron snapped back. Dave heard the key go in the ignition, but the car didn't start.

"Why?" Dave demanded. "Why, for God's sake, should either of us be rational when I've just been handed another fucking diagnosis? I don't want you to be rational! I want you to be angry! I want you to throw something or shout or curse or fucking do something besides trying to be rational!" Dave realized he was shouting again, but this time he couldn't lower his voice.

"One of us needs to be rational so the other doesn't have to be!" Aaron shouted right back. "When you fall apart, I'm strong for you, and when I fall apart, you're strong for me. That's how it works, Dave, or did you fucking forget? It's about time for that to start happening again, isn't it?"

Aaron clenched his jaw and started the car, jerking his gaze behind them to pull out.

"Fuck you!" Dave bit out, and punched the dashboard. The pain made him swear again more quietly, and then he bent over, rubbing his knuckles. "Maybe I need you to fall apart so I can be strong," he said finally, his voice shaking. He couldn't tell whether he felt more angry or afraid or what the emotion was. He just suddenly wanted nothing more than to have Aaron need him instead of the way it had been for over a year now, with Dave needing Aaron's strength.

Aaron didn't say anything at first. His jaw just worked, and Dave wasn't sure if it was out of anger or from trying to hold back. Finally, though, Aaron let out a shuddery breath, then drew one in slowly. When Dave looked over, Aaron's eyes were glassy. "I'm driving," he said, shaking his head a little as if to shake off what he was feeling.

It was stupid to want Aaron to be upset. It felt like a betrayal to want Aaron to be upset, after all the time Dave had spent feeling guilty for putting Aaron through this in the first place. But Aaron's words, his utter determination to be strong and rational and not fall apart, made Dave slump back in his seat and close his eyes against the sudden burning of tears that he didn't want to fall. Dave turned his head and covered his eyes with a hand, propping his elbow against the car door.

And then they just drove. They didn't speak for most of the drive home, and Dave didn't move. He just let the turns the car made shift him a little and bring him back, but it suddenly felt pointless to put any effort into anything right now. When they got about three blocks from home, Dave had calmed to the point that he just felt sort of empty, and next to him, Aaron sniffed loudly.

Dave didn't look at first, but when it happened again, he glanced over and caught Aaron wiping his cheek. Aaron didn't say anything, but the closer they got to the house, the less Aaron seemed to be able to control the tears.

As soon as Aaron's emotions registered, Dave felt horribly guilty for having demanded it of him. He reached out and rested a hand on Aaron's leg, trying to make himself apologize. But instead he just watched Aaron.

The touch only seemed to make it worse, though, and when they pulled in to the garage, Aaron just sat there. His lips were pressed together tightly, a frown deep on his face. Tears were still occasionally rolling down his cheeks, but he wasn't acknowledging them anymore.

"I'm scared shitless," Aaron finally whispered, his voice strained. "Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Yes," Dave rasped, and then he started crying, with huge, embarrassing sobs that he couldn't even begin to push down. He struggled with his seat-belt until he got it unfastened and then he leaned across the console to wrap his arms around Aaron and cling to him.

Aaron gasped for breath, and squeezed Dave tightly. "You're everything to me. I don't want to-- I don't--" He choked on his words and stopped talking.

Dave tightened his arms and pressed his face against Aaron's shoulder, still shaking with the force of his sobs. He couldn't do this again. He couldn't face another round of being an invalid, of having people feeling sorry for him and being sad around him. He couldn't stand the thought of leaving work again, of having to tell the team again. And more than anything he couldn't stand the thought of dying in a fucking hospital bed and leaving Aaron behind--alone. He couldn't do this.


"I don't want to live without you," Aaron said, finally managing to finish his sentence, and it just made it that much worse.

Dave shook his head and lifted a hand to cover Aaron's mouth, but instead he curled it against the side of Aaron's neck, holding him close. He knew this was what Aaron hadn't wanted, and he knew why, but he just wanted to abandon himself to the horrible grief that felt like it was going to suffocate him.

"Dave," Aaron said, and Dave could feel Aaron trembling. "God, say something."

"I don't want to die without you," Dave gasped finally.

Aaron opened his mouth, then just fought to breath for a moment. After a moment, he let out a weird sounding gust of air, and it wasn't until Aaron spoke again that Dave realized it had been a pathetic, miserable attempt at laughter. "Are you trying to tell me you're going to take me with you?"

Dave made a choking noise that was his own attempt, and then he slid his fingers into Aaron's hair. "I don't want to leave you alone," he said, his voice almost normal until the last word, when it jerked up in pitch and he press his mouth to Aaron's shoulder to try to stop the sobs again. God, this fear wouldn't let go of his throat.

"Then you can't die," Aaron said. He seemed to be having more trouble than Dave was now. "I'm sorry," he sobbed.

"God, don't," Dave said, and held him more tightly. He was trying to tell Aaron not to apologize, especially since this was what Dave had wanted. But he couldn't get the words out.

"I am," Aaron said, burying his head against Dave's neck.

Shuddering, Dave ran his fingers over Aaron's hair. "I told you to do this," he said, and took a deep breath. He held it for a long moment, and when he released it he felt a little more under control, so he did it a few more times. There were still tears running down his cheeks, but he thought maybe the loud, wracking noises were done, anyway.

"Told me to what?" Aaron asked. "Start making demands that you can't possibly make any guarantees about?" He tightened his arms on Dave.

"Yes," Dave muttered. He kissed Aaron's forehead and took a shuddery breath. "If that's what you have to say, it's better than being rational right now."

"Maybe I'd rather be rational," Aaron said, swallowing hard.

"I'm sorry," Dave said quietly. The console was starting to dig painfully into his ribs, but he tightened his arms around Aaron and closed his eyes.

"Don't," Aaron said, and Dave felt Aaron press his lips to Dave's neck, which was wet from tears. Aaron drew a long breath, then muttered, "We should go inside."

"But it's so comfortable here," Dave said, and squeezed Aaron briefly. He brushed his palm down Aaron's hair again and then sighed and let him go.

Aaron pulled back and wiped at his cheeks, and Dave could see the hints of embarrassment on his face, but Aaron didn't say anything. He just struggled out of his seatbelt and headed into the house. Dave followed closely behind, and watched as Aaron went straight to the drinks cabinet to pour himself a scotch.

After a moment Dave went to stand next to him and got another glass, holding it wordlessly for Aaron to pour for him. He'd cut back a lot since his initial diagnosis, but if there was ever a good time for drinking it was when the cancer came back, and he frankly didn't give a shit tonight about whether alcohol could lessen the effects of the treatment or not. "Thank you," he said quietly after a while. "For crying with me."

Aaron drained his glass, and poured another. His eyes were puffy and red, and Dave didn't think he'd ever seen Aaron look this devastated in all the years they'd been together. Aaron turned and wrapped his arms around Dave, pressing his face to Dave's neck wordlessly.

Dave held him tightly, rubbing his back. "I love you, Aaron. So much. I promise, I'll do whatever I have to. I don't want to let you down." He kept murmuring reassuringly, though he didn't imagine it was really making Aaron feel any better.

"I know," Aaron whispered. The tears had stopped, but there was still a strain in his voice. "You have to keep fighting. You've fought tooth and nail over lesser things."

"I'll keep fighting." Dave kissed Aaron's neck. "You know I'm a fighter."

"I know," Aaron said. He squeezed Dave tighter. "I know."

Dave wished he could hold Aaron closer. He wished he could somehow make Aaron feel better. But at the same time it was a relief that Aaron had loosened the leash on his emotions.

Aaron sighed. "I'm so mad at you right now."

"Sorry," Dave said half-heartedly. "I love you." He tightened his arms.

Aaron drew a deep breath, and kissed Dave's neck. Then he pulled away and drained his second glass before pouring a third. It made Dave's chest ache a little; Aaron never drank like he was now.

"Pour me a glass," Dave said, since Aaron hadn't yet. He sighed and rubbed Aaron's shoulders.

Aaron gave him a sad smile. "Who's going to take care of me when I make myself sick?" he asked.

"Me," Dave said, and kissed his cheek. "But that doesn't mean I can't have a glass. Let's sit."

Aaron picked up the bottle and carried it over to the couch, pulling Dave down with him before filling his glass. He didn't toss back his drink this time, but he was taking bigger sips than usual, and he slumped against Dave. "I don't deal with things this way, David. You can't hold that against me."

"I know," Dave said quietly. He rested a hand on Aaron's knee and rubbed gently. "I'm sorry I got angry. I just...I guess sometimes I need it. I'm sorry, Aaron."

"Don't apologize," Aaron muttered. He turned against Dave to rest his cheek against Dave's shoulder, settling his glass on Dave's knee.

Dave sighed. "I know I'm difficult," he murmured. "I probably won't ever be able to express how grateful I am that you're with me." He lifted his hand and brushed it through Aaron's hair.

"Mmm," Aaron hummed. He turned his head to kiss Dave's neck. "Can we talk about something else? Play drunken Scrabble, maybe?"

It brought a chuckle and Dave squeezed him. "Drunken Scrabble, huh?" He ducked his head and kissed Aaron slowly. "Sounds like fun to me."

Aaron smiled slowly, but it didn't look right. Still, he hummed and kissed Dave again, then got up. Dave held a sigh when Aaron finished his third glass, and went to set up the Scrabble board on the dining room table. Aaron met him there a few minutes later, after a trip to the bathroom, with a fresh glass and the bottle.

As could have been expected, Aaron got progressively worse at the game until he started dropping the tiles, at which point he just cursed, slumped back in his seat, and stared at Dave blearily.

Dave reached across the table and curled his fingers around Aaron's. "Are you forfeiting?" he asked, failing entirely at the jocular tone he attempted. He squeezed Aaron's hand. "Why don't we go lie down together? I want to hold onto you."

Aaron nodded slowly. "Probably a good idea." He closed his eyes and sighed. "Might need help."

"Yeah," Dave said. He went around the table and pulled Aaron to his feet, then hugged him briefly. "Come on." He led Aaron, stumbling a little, to the bedroom. As soon as he had Aaron sitting on the edge of the bed, he started undressing him, punctuating it with little kisses. "I love you," he murmured.

Aaron sighed, closing his eyes again. "Drunken Scrabble sounded like more fun a glass and a half ago," he muttered, lifting up a little to let Dave get his pants off.

"You think?" Dave put Aaron's clothes in the hamper and helped him get settled in bed, then started undressing himself. "You were kicking my ass with words like 'quorfel' and 'zobrat' though."

Aaron started laughing. "I know where the big points are. Don't get anything for those stupid Ns."

Dave grinned and went over for a kiss. "Do you know how much I love you? I hope you do, because I haven't got enough words to tell you. Not even 'quorfel' is strong enough for that."

Aaron pulled him down and kissed Dave again, tasting strongly like scotch. "I do know. I love you too."

"Good," Dave said, rolling on top of him and kissing him hungrily. "God, you're gorgeous. So wonderful." He kissed him once more, then rolled off of Aaron, pulling him up against him.

"Mmm," Aaron hummed, frowning. "Too fast. Room's spinning."

"Don't puke on me," Dave ordered, and stroked his hand down Aaron's arm. He loved the feel of their skin together. "Close your eyes."

"Yeah," Aaron said, obeying, feeling heavy against Dave's side. "Not sure if that makes it better or worse."

"Deep breaths," Dave said, still stroking his skin. "Focus on breathing." Oh, God, I can't die. I can't leave him.

Aaron took a deep breath, then groaned slightly. "I regret everything about today."

Dave sighed. "I'm sorry," he murmured.

"Stop apologizing to me," Aaron said, lifting his hand in a silencing gesture, his voice suddenly forceful. Then he just dropped his hand, buried his head against Dave's shoulder, and groaned again.

Dave sighed again, but just tightened his arms around Aaron, holding him close.

"Love you," Aaron murmured. "Need you."

"I love you too," Dave replied. "And I'll always need you." He kissed Aaron's hair and stroked his hands over Aaron's skin again. "Always."

Aaron drew a shaky breath and let it out, but didn't say anything at all. He just shifted closer and settled again. His breathing was already slow, but after a while, Dave realized Aaron had fallen asleep by how much heavier he'd gotten. Dave kissed his hair again, and closed his eyes.

Comments

[severity-softly.livejournal.com]

Ditto what my other half just said. :)