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geekystudmuffin2016-05-03 02:42 pm
innerslytherin) wrote in geekystudmuffin2016-05-03 02:42 pm
Lips That Have Smiled, Eyes That Have Shed Tears (chapter 12/12); Bellamy/Jackson (The 100); NC-17
Title: Lips That Have Smiled, Eyes That Have Shed Tears - Chapter 12/12
Fandom: The 100
Pairing: Bellamy/Jackson, mentions of Abby Griffin/Jake Griffin
Rating: NC-17/FRAO
WC: ~82,000
Characters: Bellamy Blake, Jackson, Octavia Blake, Aurora Blake, Marcus Kane, Inspector Grus, Abby Griffin, Clarke Griffin, Monty Green, Jasper Jordan, various OCs
Warnings: Bullying, minor character death, alcohol abuse
Notes: We're posting in chapters, but this is not a WIP. We also stayed mostly canon-compliant, but hand-waved a few things while writing this. The Ark doesn't have a limited supply of water in this fic. The timeline of Monty & Jasper's arrest is moved up a bit. And Jackson's backstory is AU, as this was written before 3x10, "Fallen", revealed info about Jackson's mother. Also, neither of us speak Hindi, so the single sentence we wrote in Hindi was googled. If you speak Hindi, and we got it wrong, our feelings will not be hurt if you correct us. :)
Summary: Bellamy Blake isn't one of the privileged on the Ark. His life as a guard cadet would be a lot easier if he weren't trying to keep his mother's secrets and protect his sister. What Bellamy doesn't realize is just how much a certain doctor has figured out about his problems, and how much Doctor Jackson wants to help.
Summary: Bellamy Blake isn't one of the privileged on the Ark. His life as a guard cadet would be a lot easier if he weren't trying to keep his mother's secrets and protect his sister. What Bellamy doesn't realize is just how much a certain doctor has figured out about his problems, and how much Doctor Jackson wants to help.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One, Chapter Two - Part One, Chapter Two - Part Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, Chapter Seven, Chapter Eight, Chapter Nine, Chapter Ten, Chapter Eleven
Epilogue
The next three months were probably the happiest of Jackson's life. They weren't without their struggles. Bellamy's depression didn't disappear overnight, obviously, and he still fell apart on occasion. And there was something going on with Abby that she wasn't talking about.
Still, every minute Jackson could spend with Bellamy or Octavia, he poured all his efforts into helping them heal. Into loving them.
He and Bellamy had celebrated Jackson's birthday, and had plans to do Thanksgiving dinner with the Griffins.
A couple weeks into November, though, Abby didn't show up for work one morning. Jackson shrugged it off, assuming she was busy with the council, but when she didn't show her face for the entire day, Jackson was a little concerned.
He headed for her rooms after his shift was over and knocked. It seemed to take a long time for anyone to answer, but Abby finally did. There was something about her that seemed entirely off.
She cleared her throat and stepped aside to let him in. "Jackson. I actually needed to talk to you. Come in," she said.
He nodded and stepped inside, glancing around. There was no game on the television. Clarke wasn't playfully arguing with Jake, and she wasn't in her favorite chair sketching. It was almost alarmingly quiet. He gave Abby a questioning smile. "Where is everyone?" he asked, closing the door behind him.
To his shock, Abby's face crumpled and she started to sob.
Jackson automatically went to wrap his arms around her, and she dropped her head to his shoulder, her own shoulders shaking. What the hell was going on? "Abby, what's wrong? What happened today?"
"Jake," she whispered finally. "Jake's gone. Clarke--" She couldn't finish. She pressed her face against his shoulder again, letting out another sob. "I don't know where to start."
Jackson stroked his hand over her hair. Jake's gone? What did that mean? Jake and Abby had split up? "You-- you guys seemed fine. We were going to have Thanksgiving together," he said, squeezing her tight. "I'm so sorry."
Abby took a ragged breath. "He...he went against the Council," she whispered. "He dragged Clarke into it." She sucked in another breath and pulled back, straightening her shoulders. When she cleared her throat, Jackson could almost see her regaining control of herself. "Several months ago, Jake discovered a flaw with the oxygen system. One that can't be fixed." She swallowed. "The Council decided to keep it secret. Jake defied them and made a video, intending to broadcast it Ark-wide." She met Jackson's gaze, her lips pressed into a thin line for a moment.
"They floated Jake this morning," she said at last.
Jackson's eyes had widened as soon as she started talking about a flaw with the oxygen system, stunned Abby was telling him this, but when she finished speaking, he felt a little sick. He shook his head slowly. Abby could be floated for what she just said. "Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I need your help, and I need you to understand the stakes," she said. "The Council has a plan, but it's going to take a lot of expertise. The paperwork isn't official yet, but you're being promoted to Medical Officer." She paused. "Provided you accept," she said, her tone implying it was obvious he would accept.
Jackson stared at her, trying to process what she was saying. At twenty-five, he would be the youngest officer on the Ark. Suddenly Sinclair's comments from three months ago made sense. Had Abby been pushing for him to be made an officer before then?
"Of course I accept," Jackson said. Abby wouldn't be asking this of him so soon if she didn't feel like it was absolutely necessary. It occurred to him that Abby should be grieving right now. Or maybe she needed to explain what this plan the council had was so he knew what he'd be working on. God, she'd dumped a lot of information on him at once.
She nodded. "Good." Then she pressed her lips together again, and her eyes filled with tears before she could look away. She let out a shaky breath. "Clarke is in solitary confinement in the Skybox. She was going to go ahead with her father's plan." Abby's voice was choked. "I won't be allowed to see her, probably, so I'll need to make you her doctor in case anything comes up."
She was silent for a moment, but her tense posture kept Jackson from speaking. He wasn't sure if she would welcome more comfort when she was obviously trying to hold herself together now.
"Earth," she said finally. "The Council has decided to move into the test phase of Project Exodus. There's always been a plan for returning to Earth. We're just moving it forward. We'll send a group to Earth. Small enough that we'll be able to continue the human race if they don't survive, but large enough to give us a good test pool. We'll need to come up with some sort of biometric tracking device. I'm working with Sinclair on that. I'll need you to take over a lot more of the day-to-day Medical responsibilities."
She finally looked back at him. "I know I'm asking a lot, Jackson. And you need to keep almost all of this from Bellamy." Her gaze was sad, but unflinching. "I don't ask this lightly."
Jackson nodded slowly. "I understand." He drew a shaky breath and gestured at her couch. "Can we sit? This is… a lot," he admitted.
She nodded and then lead their way to the couch, where she slowly went through the details of what was happening with the Ark's oxygen supply, and answered his questions on Project Exodus. By the time he felt like he understood it, Jackson felt a little overwhelmed, and was almost hyper aware of his own breathing.
The Ark was dying. Every breath he took was consuming more oxygen.
After a moment, he realized neither of them had said anything for a while. Abby had folded her hands in her lap and was staring at them. Jackson felt his eyes prickle. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "About Jake."
He saw Abby's knuckles whiten. "He wouldn't listen to me," she whispered. "I couldn't save him."
Jackson drew in a slow breath, then shifted closer to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "I'm sure you did everything you could," he murmured. "How did the council find out?"
Abby shuddered. "Thelonious," she whispered. "Thelonious was Jake's best friend. I thought...I thought if anyone could talk Jake out of going public..." Her voice broke and she covered her face with her hands.
Oh, God. Abby had told the Chancellor because she was desperate, and the Chancellor had… Oh, God. Jackson wrapped his other arm around Abby and pulled her firmly against his chest. "I'm sorry, Abby," he whispered.
As she broke down again, Jackson couldn't help but think of the calm way Jaha had acted when he ordered Bellamy's mom to be floated. Had he been as calm when he floated his own best friend for defying him? How could he have done it?
Then he thought about Bellamy. God, what was he going to tell Bell? How would he be able to keep this from him? But he had to. For Bell's safety as well as his own and Abby's.
Abby finally exhausted herself with her grief. Jackson hated leaving her alone, but she insisted she would be all right.
When he got home, Bellamy was already asleep, which spared him having to tell him anything. For the next two days, Jackson worked such long hours they barely saw each other, and when they finally had dinner together, he'd worked out how to tell Bellamy he'd been promoted because of Abby's increasing responsibilities with the Council.
Bellamy seemed to accept Jackson's promotion as his due, and despite the unhappiness that still occasionally resurfaced regarding his own work as a janitor, he seemed genuine in his happiness for Jackson.
It took a couple weeks before Jackson stopped listening to his every breath like it was the end of the world--the end of the Ark. But even after that, the months that followed were long and hard. Between the hours spent in medical, the additional hours spent working with Sinclair on the design he'd come up with for bracelets, and occasionally being dragged into official council business, sometimes it felt like he never got to see Bellamy.
Bellamy had accepted that there were things Jackson couldn't tell him about the work he was doing, but he couldn't help fear Bellamy would get tired of an absentee boyfriend after a while. That was the reason his last boyfriend had left, after all.
Even their one year anniversary came and went with little fanfare, just a nice meal and some much-needed sex.
The only thing Bellamy really complained about, though, was the fact that Jackson was mostly off Skybox duty now that he had other, more pressing duties. More than anything, Bellamy seemed determined to take care of Jackson. During his "lunch" period, he would bring Jackson a dinner tray from the mess, he left snacks on Jackson's desk, and he kept their rooms tidy. He occasionally did drag Jackson out of Medical and insist he get at least six hours of sleep, but he never showed any signs of being dissatisfied in their relationship.
He still occasionally had bad days, when the grief was too much for him to deal with, but as far as Jackson could tell, Bellamy had kept his word about not drinking anymore, and over the course of the year, those days grew further apart.
It wasn't until two weeks before the dropship was set to launch that Jackson saw the names of the intended passengers. His stomach swooped uncomfortably as he started to recognize names.
Jasper Jordan. Monty Green. Zoe Monroe. Nathan Miller.
Clarke Griffin.
Octavia Blake.
Jackson felt like he was going to be sick. For ten months he'd been working on this project, and no one told him they were sending children to Earth. "Did you know?" he asked Abby, his voice low.
She sighed. "I knew." Her lips turned down. "Some of them were chosen for their unique skills. Clarke's medical knowledge, Monty Green's background in agriculture and engineering, Jasper Jordan's skill at chemistry. Some of them, like Dax, were chosen because they are, frankly, expendable." Her lips twisted on that word. "I don't like it, but I can't argue with their logic."
Jackson scowled at the list. The Ark had deemed Octavia Blake as 'expendable'. He drew a shaky breath. He wanted to go find Jaha and shout in his face, but… Abby was so calm. Abby's own daughter was on the list, and she was calm. How was she calm?
"I need to speak to the Chancellor," he said finally, then got up to find him.
"He's not going to change the list, Jackson," she called after him, but he ignored it, and ran through every possible reason he could come up with that Octavia Blake wouldn't be a good test subject. He came up blank. She was perfectly healthy.
When he eventually found Jaha, he was having a conversation with Kane. Jackson swallowed his nerves and cleared his throat. "Chancellor, may I have a moment of your time?" he said, trying to make his voice firm and insistent without overstepping any boundaries.
The two men exchanged a glance, then Kane said, "Excuse me," and walked away.
Jaha turned a blank smile on Jackson. "Doctor Jackson. Abby says you've been a great help to her in advancing the Exodus Project." His smile grew more personal. "What can I do for you?"
God, Jaha was never going to go for this, but Jackson had to try. "I'd like to request the removal of Octavia Blake from the hundred kids we're sending down." He shouldn't have bitten out the word 'kids', but it had just come out.
Jaha's smile froze in place, but didn't slip off. "Blake," he repeated thoughtfully. "That's right, the extra child. I seem to recall your being there with the son when his mother was floated."
Jackson swallowed hard. "I was," he said, but didn't offer more.
"Hmm. If you know the Blake girl is on the list, you must surely know that Abby's daughter is also on the list." Jaha sounded like he was inviting Jackson to be reasonable with him. "We can't make exceptions, even for those we love. Not when the good of the entire human race hangs in the balance."
"Clarke is on the list because she has medical experience," Jackson pointed out. "Octavia doesn't have a special skillset. She's nobody. She could be swapped out for any other kid." Those words physically hurt to say, but Jackson didn't know any other way to make a case.
"You're right. Octavia doesn't have a special skillset. She never attended school, was never apprenticed, has never had any training--except the Earth Skills classes we've been giving the criminals in lockup." Jaha's face was the perfect blend of regret and moral conviction--a politician's face. "Put succinctly, Octavia Blake is expendable."
Jackson felt like he'd been punched in the chest, and the next breath he took hurt a little as he fought to control his temper. Octavia was not a criminal. She was not expendable.
"Swap her for some other 'expendable' child, then," Jackson said. God, was he calling children expendable now too? He wasn't made for the coldness of bureaucracy.
Jaha sighed. "I'm very sorry, Doctor Jackson. The roster is set." He looked away for a moment, then said, "Perhaps you didn't read the entire list. The final name was added just today: Wells Jaha."
Jackson blinked at Jaha for a moment. He was sending his own son? How… how were he and Abby so calm?
Jackson swallowed hard, realizing this was obviously a losing battle, and straightened his shoulders a little. When had he slouched? "I'd like to make another request then," he said after a moment. "Please lift Bellamy Blake's visitation ban. If you're dropping Octavia to Earth, at least let Bellamy see her once or twice first."
"How would you explain that, son?" Jaha said, his voice quiet. "If he were suddenly granted visitation rights, he would ask questions you can't answer. I hope Abby made it clear to you that no one can know about Project Exodus. If your partner found out his sister was being sent to Earth, what do you suppose he would do?"
Jackson blinked at him again, more because Jaha had called him 'son' than because of anything Jaha said. It felt more than a little condescending. "With all due respect, sir, how would allowing Bellamy to visit his sister lead to him learning about the project? If I don't tell him, he won't know." And I have no desire to wind up like Jake Griffin, he almost added, but he couldn't afford to wind up on bad terms with Jaha.
"And if your fear is that he will ask questions after being allowed two weeks visitation, and then no more after that, how are you planning to explain the other ninety-nine missing children to their parents and loved ones? We'll just tell Bellamy the same story." As the words left his mouth, Jackson kind of hated himself for them.
Approaching footsteps made Jaha glance to one side. When Jackson looked, he saw Commander Shumway approaching, his gaze on the Chancellor.
"This is a conversation you should be having with Abby," Jaha said after a moment, and there was a quiet finality in his tone. "My answer is no, and it will remain no. That will be all, Doctor Jackson."
Jackson stared at him for a moment, but then nodded and walked away. Jaha had called him 'son' and then dismissed him like he was a petulant child. Jackson pushed away the anger in his chest and went back to work, clearly giving off a vibe that told everyone, including Abby, not to ask how his talk with Jaha had gone.
When he got home that night, Bellamy was asleep. Jackson settled in a chair and watched Bellamy for a long moment, taking in the mess of hair on his forehead and the rise and fall of his strong chest.
He'd tried to bargain for Octavia. He'd tried to use their language of 'expendable' children that made him feel sick.
He'd failed.
When he dropped his head into his hands and started to cry, he tried to be as quiet as he could.
Bellamy didn't wake up until after Jackson got himself under control, splashed water in his face, and crawled gingerly into bed. Bellamy made a sleepy noise, kissed Jackson, and drifted off again.
The next two weeks were agonizing. Jackson kept struggling with the urge to tell Bellamy everything, even though he knew he couldn't. He felt like he was being torn in two. But he knew nothing good could come of telling Bellamy.
The night before the Dropship was scheduled to return to Earth, he tried to work until Bellamy would be sleeping. It was getting harder and harder to face him. But Bellamy was sitting at the table with a book in his hand, a meal spread out in front of him. He smiled when Jackson came in.
"There you are," he said. "I was starting to wonder if I should bring your dinner to you." He stood up and crossed the room to kiss Jackson.
Jackson huffed a laugh that he knew sounded odd, but Bellamy was brushing everything odd off recently as being a result of exhaustion. "You shouldn't have waited up," he said, wrapping his arms around Bellamy.
"I like waiting up for you," Bellamy murmured. "I just can't do it as often as I want." He nuzzled Jackson's neck. "Besides, I have ulterior motives. I want to drag you into bed."
"Oh?" Jackson said. That sounded amazing. With as much as Jackson had been working, they hadn't had much time for sex. Jackson hoped he could suppress his guilt enough to enjoy it. "I like that plan," he said.
Bellamy grinned slowly at him. "I thought you might." He backed into the room, tugging Jackson with him. "I don't have a calendar or anything, but I'm pretty sure it's been too long."
That actually made Jackson laugh, and that felt unusual suddenly. Had he laughed in the last two weeks? "You don't keep a logbook? Date, time, acts performed, positions?"
Bellamy laughed and leaned in to nip at Jackson's jaw. "Dear diary, today, Jackson was tired, so I gave him the best blow job in his life," he whispered.
Grinning, Jackson ducked his head for a real kiss. "I'm sorry if I've made you a broken record with the 'today, Jackson was tired' entries lately," he whispered.
Bellamy pressed a finger to Jackson's lips. "No apologies," he said. "You work hard. I just want to make it easier." He smiled and kissed Jackson again softly.
Jackson sifted his fingers into Bellamy's hair. "How did I get so lucky?" he murmured. "I don't deserve you."
"You're right," Bellamy said. "You could totally do better than a janitor." He gave Jackson a lopsided grin. "I'm glad I got to you before anyone else did."
Jackson smiled at Bellamy, hoping it didn't look sad. Hopefully, Bellamy might mistake it for tiredness. "No, but I am sorry, Bell. I wish I was around more for you. And for Octavia."
The last time he'd seen Octavia, more than two weeks ago, he was pretty sure he'd done more to worry her than anything else. In his exhaustion, he couldn't remember some of the easier Hindi words and phrases she'd been teaching him. He eventually copped to being overwhelmed by work, and she'd spend the next twenty minutes comforting him.
God, Octavia would be gone tomorrow. What if that was the last interaction they ever had?
"You don't owe me any apologies," Bellamy said, lifting a hand to cup his cheek. "Someday you'll get the chance to train a couple more doctors, and we'll have more free time. If not..." He shrugged and gave Jackson a smile. "I knew what I was getting myself into. Now come to bed."
Jackson nodded. If Project Exodus worked, if Earth was survivable… he didn't know what medical would look like on Earth, what resources they would have, but he and Abby could train more doctors. And if Octavia survived, she and Bellamy and Jackson could be a family. It was a nice idea. He had to believe that could still happen.
Jackson let Bellamy guide him to the bed, kissing Bellamy and purposely not pointing out that their dinner would get cold. It probably already was cold, and Jackson wanted Bellamy more than food.
Bellamy's kisses grew hungrier as he tugged Jackson down onto the bed with him. "I love you," he whispered between kisses. "Always will."
Those words sent a thrill through Jackson, but there was a pang in his chest as he hoped Bellamy would never regret saying them. "I love you too," Jackson whispered, rolling to pull Bellamy on top of him as his hands roamed Bellamy's body. "Always."
"Good." Bellamy kissed his way along Jackson's jaw, one hand sliding up under Jackson's shirt to press against his stomach. "J," he breathed, a smile in his voice. "What do you want tonight?"
Jackson smiled too. He could relax. He could let go. He could let Bellamy help him forget everything for a little while and enjoy Bellamy's touch. "You," he said. "Whatever you want."
"Hmm. What do I want?" Bellamy nipped gently at Jackson's jaw.
Jackson chuckled faintly. "Let's just see where this goes," he suggested, and slid a hand up the back of Bellamy's shirt.
Bellamy didn't seem to have a problem with that, because he just hummed a pleased noise and kissed Jackson again. After a few kisses, their bodies felt like they were making their own decisions without either Bellamy or Jackson's input, kissing and touching and licking and sucking and dragging each other's clothes off. By the time they were both completely undressed, they were both flushed with desire.
"Sit on me," Jackson panted. "On top." He wanted to be inside Bellamy, but he was tired. "Do all the work while you're up there," he added teasingly.
Bellamy laughed. "You deserve to be lazy once in a while," he murmured. His gaze was warm as he prepared himself and sank down on Jackson. He started out slow, but it didn't take long for his movements to become more urgent. In the end, Jackson couldn't let him do all the work, because he couldn't keep himself still. They came almost together, and Bellamy slumped, breathless, against Jackson's chest.
"God, I love you," he whispered.
"I love you too," Jackson panted. I'm going to save us all, he thought. I have to save us all.
After a while, Bellamy shifted so he could lie next to Jackson. He dragged a blanket over them and draped an arm across Jackson's chest. "I've always told Octavia she's the best thing that ever happened to me," he murmured. "But you're right up there."
Jackson tightened his arm around Bellamy. "You are the best thing that ever happened to me," he murmured. His body felt heavy. Sleep pulled him from consciousness quickly.
The next day, he managed to get out of bed without waking Bellamy, and get ready for work without vomiting, in spite of his nerves. He hesitated at the door before leaving and whispered, "I love you."
Bellamy didn't move, but to Jackson's surprise, he mumbled, "I love you too."
Jackson nodded and let himself out.
The day the dropship launched ended up being the day Jackson's life fell apart. First there were complications with the descent, resulting in the loss of all the instruments except the wristbands and two dead children on impact. Then they found out Jaha had been shot. Abby ordered Jackson to put out a call for blood, then told Jackson to get his ass to medical.
The next thing he knew, he was standing over an operating table, telling Abby to stop trying to save Jaha's life. He knew why she was using more blood and anesthesia on Jaha than rationing allowed. He knew Abby was trying to do what she could to prevent Kane from taking power. But Jackson wasn't convinced that they could save Jaha, and Kane would most certainly float Abby for misuse of medical resources. Kane never bent the rules. Ever.
Still, he did what Abby told him to do, and when Jaha was stable enough to leave, they went back to monitoring the wristbands for a while. There was a glimmer of hope in Jackson's chest when he recognized that the kids had found water, and he held Abby's hand in tiny celebration, but not much later, Kane was arresting Abby, and the hope was dashed right out of Jackson.
Jackson hovered between the monitoring station and checking on Jaha for the hours that followed, trying to keep his cool. Maybe Jaha would pull through. God, he hoped Jaha would pull through before Abby's execution the following morning. Jackson wasn't sure he could do this without her.
He wondered absently if Bellamy would just let him cry in his arms tonight and not ask questions, while outwardly forcing himself to remain calm.
He was absorbed in his work when someone stepped up next to him and put a hand on his elbow. "Doctor Jackson, we need to have a talk," Chancellor Kane said, his voice low. "I'd rather not do this in public."
Jackson looked at Kane, trying for a neutral expression, but he was fairly certain his anger towards Kane bled through a little. Still, he followed Kane to the room their council meetings usually took place, though it was currently empty. As soon as the door was shut, Jackson said, "You cannot float Abby, chancellor. She is essential to Project Exodus."
Kane folded his arms across his chest and turned to face Jackson. "Right now I'm less concerned with Abby than I am with your boyfriend, Doctor Jackson. And whether you knew anything about his plans."
Jackson blinked at him for a moment, then frowned in confusion. "Plans?" he said. "I-- what plans?"
Kane studied him, eyes narrowed, for several moments. Finally he sighed. "Commander Shumway has identified the person who shot Chancellor Jaha. Bellamy Blake is the only person unaccounted for." He held Jackson's gaze, his expression troubled. "Your partner tried to assassinate the chancellor, Jackson."
Jackson stared at Kane for several heartbeats, almost too stunned to move. After a moment, though, he realized he was having trouble breathing. His chest was rising and falling a little too heavily.
"That's not possible," he said, trying to keep his expression even. He wasn't going to fall apart in front of Kane.
"Have you seen him since the Dropship launched?" Kane asked. "His sister was on board the Dropship, and we've already seen what lengths he was willing to go to in order to protect her." He sighed. "For that matter, I've seen you recently taking...unusual measures to try to protect her yourself. I don't want to think you told him anything about Project Exodus. I'm hoping you can shed some light on this for me."
Before he could stop himself, Jackson took several steps backward and collapsed as gracefully as possible into a chair. He couldn't breathe. Jackson knew Bellamy hated Jaha. But how had Bellamy even found out about the Dropship? How had he acquired a weapon? Oh God, was Bellamy really gone?
Jackson propped his elbows on his knees and dropped his head into his hands. "I saw him… this morning. He was in bed when I left for work. I haven't…" He drew a deep breath and forced himself to stay strong. "I haven't seen him since." He looked back up and met Kane's gaze. "I never told him anything. I'd prefer to not wind up like the Griffins."
Kane looked unhappy. "I don't enjoy seeing people floated, Jackson. All I insist is that people follow the rules. Rules which are in place for the continued survival of our species." He rubbed his forehead. "I know you can't have been the person who helped him get on the Dropship; you didn't have access. That leads me to believe that you didn't tell him about his sister. But if you come across any information, it's vital that you share it with me immediately."
He was silent for a moment, then said, "I'm sorry you had to find out like this. You...seemed very happy together." He turned to go.
Jackson stared at his back, and when the door clicked shut behind Kane, Jackson's eyes filled with tears almost reflexively. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. Abby was sentenced to float. Bellamy was on Earth, and without a wristband, so who could even know what condition he was in?
Bellamy shot Jaha and left on the Dropship.
He left me. Without warning.
Jackson buried his face in his hands and tried to breath. He felt almost too stunned to process anything. Finally, he drew a shaky breath and straightened.
Work.
He had to work.
He couldn't fall apart. Not yet. Abby wouldn't fall apart. And she deserved better than having Jackson fall apart after spending months on this project.
Somehow he forced himself to go back to Medical long enough to check on Jaha's condition--still critical, but there was still hope--and then return to the Earth monitoring station. He wasn't sure how late it was when Sinclair rested a hand on his shoulder and told him he should get some sleep.
"Abby would want you to be there tomorrow," Sinclair said quietly. "If Kane really goes through with this."
Jackson held Sinclair's gaze for a long moment, fairly certain his own face reflected Sinclair's deeply unhappy expression, then he nodded and headed for his rooms. Halfway there, he took a detour to the mess, where he sat and ate a meal that seemed tasteless. Like cardboard.
He finished his food anyway and stared at the empty plate. He was avoiding going home, he knew. He closed his eyes and drew a deep breath, then stood, forcing one foot in front of the other until he was at his door.
It had become habit to lock the door, thanks to Bellamy, so Jackson unlocked the door, letting himself in, but he couldn't step inside for several heartbeats. His throat was tight as he thought about all the times Bellamy had locked the door, the way he'd brought Jackson meals, how he'd taken care of Jackson. How? How could he have done what Kane said he'd done?
How could he have left Jackson?
After a minute, Jackson forced himself to step inside and shut the door behind him. He looked blankly around at the home he'd grown used to sharing with Bellamy.
It was empty. It was silent. It felt… cold.
Jackson leaned back against the door, his eyes stinging as he stared at the chess set on the table, mid-game. His chest hurt. It didn't belong there anymore. Not with his mother gone. Not with Bellamy gone now too.
Bellamy left him.
Jackson wasn't sure how it was possible to sob and be suddenly furious at the same time, but he managed it. He strode across the room and swiped the chessboard off the table. It crashed into the wall and all the pieces scattered across the floor as Jackson collapsed into a chair and finally allowed himself to lose control, weeping into his hands.
He didn't know how much time had passed when he finally realized his breathing was mostly steady again, his eyes raw but dry. Maybe the tears were done for now. He didn't know if he would be able to sleep, even though he felt drained of energy, but he should try.
Jackson stripped down to his boxers and shuffled to the bed, where he caught his breath, staring at the pillow.
A single sheet of paper was folded in half, held in place with a black pawn. Jackson's throat tightened so much he couldn't breathe. Did he even want to see what Bellamy had written? How Bellamy had thought he could explain this abandonment?
His hand shaking, he reached out and unfolded the paper.
J --
They're sending Octavia to Earth with a bunch of skybox kids. I have to do this. I'm so sorry. I'll always love you.
Bell
Jackson stared at the paper, feeling stupidly preoccupied by the fact that Bellamy had felt the need to tell him what was happening to Octavia--what had happened to Octavia. Bellamy had no idea Jackson knew already. It hadn't crossed his mind.
Jackson gasped softly when one of his tears hit the paper, smudging the word 'skybox'. He quickly wiped the wetness away and climbed into bed, clutching the note and the pawn to his chest.
Tears were slowly rolling over his face now, but he ignored them. If Bellamy survived the landing, if Earth was habitable, Jackson could be on the next Dropship down. If Bellamy survived, this might not be a forever goodbye. Maybe they really could be a family. On Earth.
Jackson pushed away the discomfort that he knew Bellamy would be punished for his crime. He couldn't think about that. He had to be strong.
He wiped the tears off his face and closed his eyes. "I love you too, Bell. Always."
Fandom: The 100
Pairing: Bellamy/Jackson, mentions of Abby Griffin/Jake Griffin
Rating: NC-17/FRAO
WC: ~82,000
Characters: Bellamy Blake, Jackson, Octavia Blake, Aurora Blake, Marcus Kane, Inspector Grus, Abby Griffin, Clarke Griffin, Monty Green, Jasper Jordan, various OCs
Warnings: Bullying, minor character death, alcohol abuse
Notes: We're posting in chapters, but this is not a WIP. We also stayed mostly canon-compliant, but hand-waved a few things while writing this. The Ark doesn't have a limited supply of water in this fic. The timeline of Monty & Jasper's arrest is moved up a bit. And Jackson's backstory is AU, as this was written before 3x10, "Fallen", revealed info about Jackson's mother. Also, neither of us speak Hindi, so the single sentence we wrote in Hindi was googled. If you speak Hindi, and we got it wrong, our feelings will not be hurt if you correct us. :)
Summary: Bellamy Blake isn't one of the privileged on the Ark. His life as a guard cadet would be a lot easier if he weren't trying to keep his mother's secrets and protect his sister. What Bellamy doesn't realize is just how much a certain doctor has figured out about his problems, and how much Doctor Jackson wants to help.
Summary: Bellamy Blake isn't one of the privileged on the Ark. His life as a guard cadet would be a lot easier if he weren't trying to keep his mother's secrets and protect his sister. What Bellamy doesn't realize is just how much a certain doctor has figured out about his problems, and how much Doctor Jackson wants to help.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One, Chapter Two - Part One, Chapter Two - Part Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, Chapter Seven, Chapter Eight, Chapter Nine, Chapter Ten, Chapter Eleven
Epilogue
The next three months were probably the happiest of Jackson's life. They weren't without their struggles. Bellamy's depression didn't disappear overnight, obviously, and he still fell apart on occasion. And there was something going on with Abby that she wasn't talking about.
Still, every minute Jackson could spend with Bellamy or Octavia, he poured all his efforts into helping them heal. Into loving them.
He and Bellamy had celebrated Jackson's birthday, and had plans to do Thanksgiving dinner with the Griffins.
A couple weeks into November, though, Abby didn't show up for work one morning. Jackson shrugged it off, assuming she was busy with the council, but when she didn't show her face for the entire day, Jackson was a little concerned.
He headed for her rooms after his shift was over and knocked. It seemed to take a long time for anyone to answer, but Abby finally did. There was something about her that seemed entirely off.
She cleared her throat and stepped aside to let him in. "Jackson. I actually needed to talk to you. Come in," she said.
He nodded and stepped inside, glancing around. There was no game on the television. Clarke wasn't playfully arguing with Jake, and she wasn't in her favorite chair sketching. It was almost alarmingly quiet. He gave Abby a questioning smile. "Where is everyone?" he asked, closing the door behind him.
To his shock, Abby's face crumpled and she started to sob.
Jackson automatically went to wrap his arms around her, and she dropped her head to his shoulder, her own shoulders shaking. What the hell was going on? "Abby, what's wrong? What happened today?"
"Jake," she whispered finally. "Jake's gone. Clarke--" She couldn't finish. She pressed her face against his shoulder again, letting out another sob. "I don't know where to start."
Jackson stroked his hand over her hair. Jake's gone? What did that mean? Jake and Abby had split up? "You-- you guys seemed fine. We were going to have Thanksgiving together," he said, squeezing her tight. "I'm so sorry."
Abby took a ragged breath. "He...he went against the Council," she whispered. "He dragged Clarke into it." She sucked in another breath and pulled back, straightening her shoulders. When she cleared her throat, Jackson could almost see her regaining control of herself. "Several months ago, Jake discovered a flaw with the oxygen system. One that can't be fixed." She swallowed. "The Council decided to keep it secret. Jake defied them and made a video, intending to broadcast it Ark-wide." She met Jackson's gaze, her lips pressed into a thin line for a moment.
"They floated Jake this morning," she said at last.
Jackson's eyes had widened as soon as she started talking about a flaw with the oxygen system, stunned Abby was telling him this, but when she finished speaking, he felt a little sick. He shook his head slowly. Abby could be floated for what she just said. "Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I need your help, and I need you to understand the stakes," she said. "The Council has a plan, but it's going to take a lot of expertise. The paperwork isn't official yet, but you're being promoted to Medical Officer." She paused. "Provided you accept," she said, her tone implying it was obvious he would accept.
Jackson stared at her, trying to process what she was saying. At twenty-five, he would be the youngest officer on the Ark. Suddenly Sinclair's comments from three months ago made sense. Had Abby been pushing for him to be made an officer before then?
"Of course I accept," Jackson said. Abby wouldn't be asking this of him so soon if she didn't feel like it was absolutely necessary. It occurred to him that Abby should be grieving right now. Or maybe she needed to explain what this plan the council had was so he knew what he'd be working on. God, she'd dumped a lot of information on him at once.
She nodded. "Good." Then she pressed her lips together again, and her eyes filled with tears before she could look away. She let out a shaky breath. "Clarke is in solitary confinement in the Skybox. She was going to go ahead with her father's plan." Abby's voice was choked. "I won't be allowed to see her, probably, so I'll need to make you her doctor in case anything comes up."
She was silent for a moment, but her tense posture kept Jackson from speaking. He wasn't sure if she would welcome more comfort when she was obviously trying to hold herself together now.
"Earth," she said finally. "The Council has decided to move into the test phase of Project Exodus. There's always been a plan for returning to Earth. We're just moving it forward. We'll send a group to Earth. Small enough that we'll be able to continue the human race if they don't survive, but large enough to give us a good test pool. We'll need to come up with some sort of biometric tracking device. I'm working with Sinclair on that. I'll need you to take over a lot more of the day-to-day Medical responsibilities."
She finally looked back at him. "I know I'm asking a lot, Jackson. And you need to keep almost all of this from Bellamy." Her gaze was sad, but unflinching. "I don't ask this lightly."
Jackson nodded slowly. "I understand." He drew a shaky breath and gestured at her couch. "Can we sit? This is… a lot," he admitted.
She nodded and then lead their way to the couch, where she slowly went through the details of what was happening with the Ark's oxygen supply, and answered his questions on Project Exodus. By the time he felt like he understood it, Jackson felt a little overwhelmed, and was almost hyper aware of his own breathing.
The Ark was dying. Every breath he took was consuming more oxygen.
After a moment, he realized neither of them had said anything for a while. Abby had folded her hands in her lap and was staring at them. Jackson felt his eyes prickle. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "About Jake."
He saw Abby's knuckles whiten. "He wouldn't listen to me," she whispered. "I couldn't save him."
Jackson drew in a slow breath, then shifted closer to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "I'm sure you did everything you could," he murmured. "How did the council find out?"
Abby shuddered. "Thelonious," she whispered. "Thelonious was Jake's best friend. I thought...I thought if anyone could talk Jake out of going public..." Her voice broke and she covered her face with her hands.
Oh, God. Abby had told the Chancellor because she was desperate, and the Chancellor had… Oh, God. Jackson wrapped his other arm around Abby and pulled her firmly against his chest. "I'm sorry, Abby," he whispered.
As she broke down again, Jackson couldn't help but think of the calm way Jaha had acted when he ordered Bellamy's mom to be floated. Had he been as calm when he floated his own best friend for defying him? How could he have done it?
Then he thought about Bellamy. God, what was he going to tell Bell? How would he be able to keep this from him? But he had to. For Bell's safety as well as his own and Abby's.
Abby finally exhausted herself with her grief. Jackson hated leaving her alone, but she insisted she would be all right.
When he got home, Bellamy was already asleep, which spared him having to tell him anything. For the next two days, Jackson worked such long hours they barely saw each other, and when they finally had dinner together, he'd worked out how to tell Bellamy he'd been promoted because of Abby's increasing responsibilities with the Council.
Bellamy seemed to accept Jackson's promotion as his due, and despite the unhappiness that still occasionally resurfaced regarding his own work as a janitor, he seemed genuine in his happiness for Jackson.
It took a couple weeks before Jackson stopped listening to his every breath like it was the end of the world--the end of the Ark. But even after that, the months that followed were long and hard. Between the hours spent in medical, the additional hours spent working with Sinclair on the design he'd come up with for bracelets, and occasionally being dragged into official council business, sometimes it felt like he never got to see Bellamy.
Bellamy had accepted that there were things Jackson couldn't tell him about the work he was doing, but he couldn't help fear Bellamy would get tired of an absentee boyfriend after a while. That was the reason his last boyfriend had left, after all.
Even their one year anniversary came and went with little fanfare, just a nice meal and some much-needed sex.
The only thing Bellamy really complained about, though, was the fact that Jackson was mostly off Skybox duty now that he had other, more pressing duties. More than anything, Bellamy seemed determined to take care of Jackson. During his "lunch" period, he would bring Jackson a dinner tray from the mess, he left snacks on Jackson's desk, and he kept their rooms tidy. He occasionally did drag Jackson out of Medical and insist he get at least six hours of sleep, but he never showed any signs of being dissatisfied in their relationship.
He still occasionally had bad days, when the grief was too much for him to deal with, but as far as Jackson could tell, Bellamy had kept his word about not drinking anymore, and over the course of the year, those days grew further apart.
It wasn't until two weeks before the dropship was set to launch that Jackson saw the names of the intended passengers. His stomach swooped uncomfortably as he started to recognize names.
Jasper Jordan. Monty Green. Zoe Monroe. Nathan Miller.
Clarke Griffin.
Octavia Blake.
Jackson felt like he was going to be sick. For ten months he'd been working on this project, and no one told him they were sending children to Earth. "Did you know?" he asked Abby, his voice low.
She sighed. "I knew." Her lips turned down. "Some of them were chosen for their unique skills. Clarke's medical knowledge, Monty Green's background in agriculture and engineering, Jasper Jordan's skill at chemistry. Some of them, like Dax, were chosen because they are, frankly, expendable." Her lips twisted on that word. "I don't like it, but I can't argue with their logic."
Jackson scowled at the list. The Ark had deemed Octavia Blake as 'expendable'. He drew a shaky breath. He wanted to go find Jaha and shout in his face, but… Abby was so calm. Abby's own daughter was on the list, and she was calm. How was she calm?
"I need to speak to the Chancellor," he said finally, then got up to find him.
"He's not going to change the list, Jackson," she called after him, but he ignored it, and ran through every possible reason he could come up with that Octavia Blake wouldn't be a good test subject. He came up blank. She was perfectly healthy.
When he eventually found Jaha, he was having a conversation with Kane. Jackson swallowed his nerves and cleared his throat. "Chancellor, may I have a moment of your time?" he said, trying to make his voice firm and insistent without overstepping any boundaries.
The two men exchanged a glance, then Kane said, "Excuse me," and walked away.
Jaha turned a blank smile on Jackson. "Doctor Jackson. Abby says you've been a great help to her in advancing the Exodus Project." His smile grew more personal. "What can I do for you?"
God, Jaha was never going to go for this, but Jackson had to try. "I'd like to request the removal of Octavia Blake from the hundred kids we're sending down." He shouldn't have bitten out the word 'kids', but it had just come out.
Jaha's smile froze in place, but didn't slip off. "Blake," he repeated thoughtfully. "That's right, the extra child. I seem to recall your being there with the son when his mother was floated."
Jackson swallowed hard. "I was," he said, but didn't offer more.
"Hmm. If you know the Blake girl is on the list, you must surely know that Abby's daughter is also on the list." Jaha sounded like he was inviting Jackson to be reasonable with him. "We can't make exceptions, even for those we love. Not when the good of the entire human race hangs in the balance."
"Clarke is on the list because she has medical experience," Jackson pointed out. "Octavia doesn't have a special skillset. She's nobody. She could be swapped out for any other kid." Those words physically hurt to say, but Jackson didn't know any other way to make a case.
"You're right. Octavia doesn't have a special skillset. She never attended school, was never apprenticed, has never had any training--except the Earth Skills classes we've been giving the criminals in lockup." Jaha's face was the perfect blend of regret and moral conviction--a politician's face. "Put succinctly, Octavia Blake is expendable."
Jackson felt like he'd been punched in the chest, and the next breath he took hurt a little as he fought to control his temper. Octavia was not a criminal. She was not expendable.
"Swap her for some other 'expendable' child, then," Jackson said. God, was he calling children expendable now too? He wasn't made for the coldness of bureaucracy.
Jaha sighed. "I'm very sorry, Doctor Jackson. The roster is set." He looked away for a moment, then said, "Perhaps you didn't read the entire list. The final name was added just today: Wells Jaha."
Jackson blinked at Jaha for a moment. He was sending his own son? How… how were he and Abby so calm?
Jackson swallowed hard, realizing this was obviously a losing battle, and straightened his shoulders a little. When had he slouched? "I'd like to make another request then," he said after a moment. "Please lift Bellamy Blake's visitation ban. If you're dropping Octavia to Earth, at least let Bellamy see her once or twice first."
"How would you explain that, son?" Jaha said, his voice quiet. "If he were suddenly granted visitation rights, he would ask questions you can't answer. I hope Abby made it clear to you that no one can know about Project Exodus. If your partner found out his sister was being sent to Earth, what do you suppose he would do?"
Jackson blinked at him again, more because Jaha had called him 'son' than because of anything Jaha said. It felt more than a little condescending. "With all due respect, sir, how would allowing Bellamy to visit his sister lead to him learning about the project? If I don't tell him, he won't know." And I have no desire to wind up like Jake Griffin, he almost added, but he couldn't afford to wind up on bad terms with Jaha.
"And if your fear is that he will ask questions after being allowed two weeks visitation, and then no more after that, how are you planning to explain the other ninety-nine missing children to their parents and loved ones? We'll just tell Bellamy the same story." As the words left his mouth, Jackson kind of hated himself for them.
Approaching footsteps made Jaha glance to one side. When Jackson looked, he saw Commander Shumway approaching, his gaze on the Chancellor.
"This is a conversation you should be having with Abby," Jaha said after a moment, and there was a quiet finality in his tone. "My answer is no, and it will remain no. That will be all, Doctor Jackson."
Jackson stared at him for a moment, but then nodded and walked away. Jaha had called him 'son' and then dismissed him like he was a petulant child. Jackson pushed away the anger in his chest and went back to work, clearly giving off a vibe that told everyone, including Abby, not to ask how his talk with Jaha had gone.
When he got home that night, Bellamy was asleep. Jackson settled in a chair and watched Bellamy for a long moment, taking in the mess of hair on his forehead and the rise and fall of his strong chest.
He'd tried to bargain for Octavia. He'd tried to use their language of 'expendable' children that made him feel sick.
He'd failed.
When he dropped his head into his hands and started to cry, he tried to be as quiet as he could.
Bellamy didn't wake up until after Jackson got himself under control, splashed water in his face, and crawled gingerly into bed. Bellamy made a sleepy noise, kissed Jackson, and drifted off again.
The next two weeks were agonizing. Jackson kept struggling with the urge to tell Bellamy everything, even though he knew he couldn't. He felt like he was being torn in two. But he knew nothing good could come of telling Bellamy.
The night before the Dropship was scheduled to return to Earth, he tried to work until Bellamy would be sleeping. It was getting harder and harder to face him. But Bellamy was sitting at the table with a book in his hand, a meal spread out in front of him. He smiled when Jackson came in.
"There you are," he said. "I was starting to wonder if I should bring your dinner to you." He stood up and crossed the room to kiss Jackson.
Jackson huffed a laugh that he knew sounded odd, but Bellamy was brushing everything odd off recently as being a result of exhaustion. "You shouldn't have waited up," he said, wrapping his arms around Bellamy.
"I like waiting up for you," Bellamy murmured. "I just can't do it as often as I want." He nuzzled Jackson's neck. "Besides, I have ulterior motives. I want to drag you into bed."
"Oh?" Jackson said. That sounded amazing. With as much as Jackson had been working, they hadn't had much time for sex. Jackson hoped he could suppress his guilt enough to enjoy it. "I like that plan," he said.
Bellamy grinned slowly at him. "I thought you might." He backed into the room, tugging Jackson with him. "I don't have a calendar or anything, but I'm pretty sure it's been too long."
That actually made Jackson laugh, and that felt unusual suddenly. Had he laughed in the last two weeks? "You don't keep a logbook? Date, time, acts performed, positions?"
Bellamy laughed and leaned in to nip at Jackson's jaw. "Dear diary, today, Jackson was tired, so I gave him the best blow job in his life," he whispered.
Grinning, Jackson ducked his head for a real kiss. "I'm sorry if I've made you a broken record with the 'today, Jackson was tired' entries lately," he whispered.
Bellamy pressed a finger to Jackson's lips. "No apologies," he said. "You work hard. I just want to make it easier." He smiled and kissed Jackson again softly.
Jackson sifted his fingers into Bellamy's hair. "How did I get so lucky?" he murmured. "I don't deserve you."
"You're right," Bellamy said. "You could totally do better than a janitor." He gave Jackson a lopsided grin. "I'm glad I got to you before anyone else did."
Jackson smiled at Bellamy, hoping it didn't look sad. Hopefully, Bellamy might mistake it for tiredness. "No, but I am sorry, Bell. I wish I was around more for you. And for Octavia."
The last time he'd seen Octavia, more than two weeks ago, he was pretty sure he'd done more to worry her than anything else. In his exhaustion, he couldn't remember some of the easier Hindi words and phrases she'd been teaching him. He eventually copped to being overwhelmed by work, and she'd spend the next twenty minutes comforting him.
God, Octavia would be gone tomorrow. What if that was the last interaction they ever had?
"You don't owe me any apologies," Bellamy said, lifting a hand to cup his cheek. "Someday you'll get the chance to train a couple more doctors, and we'll have more free time. If not..." He shrugged and gave Jackson a smile. "I knew what I was getting myself into. Now come to bed."
Jackson nodded. If Project Exodus worked, if Earth was survivable… he didn't know what medical would look like on Earth, what resources they would have, but he and Abby could train more doctors. And if Octavia survived, she and Bellamy and Jackson could be a family. It was a nice idea. He had to believe that could still happen.
Jackson let Bellamy guide him to the bed, kissing Bellamy and purposely not pointing out that their dinner would get cold. It probably already was cold, and Jackson wanted Bellamy more than food.
Bellamy's kisses grew hungrier as he tugged Jackson down onto the bed with him. "I love you," he whispered between kisses. "Always will."
Those words sent a thrill through Jackson, but there was a pang in his chest as he hoped Bellamy would never regret saying them. "I love you too," Jackson whispered, rolling to pull Bellamy on top of him as his hands roamed Bellamy's body. "Always."
"Good." Bellamy kissed his way along Jackson's jaw, one hand sliding up under Jackson's shirt to press against his stomach. "J," he breathed, a smile in his voice. "What do you want tonight?"
Jackson smiled too. He could relax. He could let go. He could let Bellamy help him forget everything for a little while and enjoy Bellamy's touch. "You," he said. "Whatever you want."
"Hmm. What do I want?" Bellamy nipped gently at Jackson's jaw.
Jackson chuckled faintly. "Let's just see where this goes," he suggested, and slid a hand up the back of Bellamy's shirt.
Bellamy didn't seem to have a problem with that, because he just hummed a pleased noise and kissed Jackson again. After a few kisses, their bodies felt like they were making their own decisions without either Bellamy or Jackson's input, kissing and touching and licking and sucking and dragging each other's clothes off. By the time they were both completely undressed, they were both flushed with desire.
"Sit on me," Jackson panted. "On top." He wanted to be inside Bellamy, but he was tired. "Do all the work while you're up there," he added teasingly.
Bellamy laughed. "You deserve to be lazy once in a while," he murmured. His gaze was warm as he prepared himself and sank down on Jackson. He started out slow, but it didn't take long for his movements to become more urgent. In the end, Jackson couldn't let him do all the work, because he couldn't keep himself still. They came almost together, and Bellamy slumped, breathless, against Jackson's chest.
"God, I love you," he whispered.
"I love you too," Jackson panted. I'm going to save us all, he thought. I have to save us all.
After a while, Bellamy shifted so he could lie next to Jackson. He dragged a blanket over them and draped an arm across Jackson's chest. "I've always told Octavia she's the best thing that ever happened to me," he murmured. "But you're right up there."
Jackson tightened his arm around Bellamy. "You are the best thing that ever happened to me," he murmured. His body felt heavy. Sleep pulled him from consciousness quickly.
The next day, he managed to get out of bed without waking Bellamy, and get ready for work without vomiting, in spite of his nerves. He hesitated at the door before leaving and whispered, "I love you."
Bellamy didn't move, but to Jackson's surprise, he mumbled, "I love you too."
Jackson nodded and let himself out.
The day the dropship launched ended up being the day Jackson's life fell apart. First there were complications with the descent, resulting in the loss of all the instruments except the wristbands and two dead children on impact. Then they found out Jaha had been shot. Abby ordered Jackson to put out a call for blood, then told Jackson to get his ass to medical.
The next thing he knew, he was standing over an operating table, telling Abby to stop trying to save Jaha's life. He knew why she was using more blood and anesthesia on Jaha than rationing allowed. He knew Abby was trying to do what she could to prevent Kane from taking power. But Jackson wasn't convinced that they could save Jaha, and Kane would most certainly float Abby for misuse of medical resources. Kane never bent the rules. Ever.
Still, he did what Abby told him to do, and when Jaha was stable enough to leave, they went back to monitoring the wristbands for a while. There was a glimmer of hope in Jackson's chest when he recognized that the kids had found water, and he held Abby's hand in tiny celebration, but not much later, Kane was arresting Abby, and the hope was dashed right out of Jackson.
Jackson hovered between the monitoring station and checking on Jaha for the hours that followed, trying to keep his cool. Maybe Jaha would pull through. God, he hoped Jaha would pull through before Abby's execution the following morning. Jackson wasn't sure he could do this without her.
He wondered absently if Bellamy would just let him cry in his arms tonight and not ask questions, while outwardly forcing himself to remain calm.
He was absorbed in his work when someone stepped up next to him and put a hand on his elbow. "Doctor Jackson, we need to have a talk," Chancellor Kane said, his voice low. "I'd rather not do this in public."
Jackson looked at Kane, trying for a neutral expression, but he was fairly certain his anger towards Kane bled through a little. Still, he followed Kane to the room their council meetings usually took place, though it was currently empty. As soon as the door was shut, Jackson said, "You cannot float Abby, chancellor. She is essential to Project Exodus."
Kane folded his arms across his chest and turned to face Jackson. "Right now I'm less concerned with Abby than I am with your boyfriend, Doctor Jackson. And whether you knew anything about his plans."
Jackson blinked at him for a moment, then frowned in confusion. "Plans?" he said. "I-- what plans?"
Kane studied him, eyes narrowed, for several moments. Finally he sighed. "Commander Shumway has identified the person who shot Chancellor Jaha. Bellamy Blake is the only person unaccounted for." He held Jackson's gaze, his expression troubled. "Your partner tried to assassinate the chancellor, Jackson."
Jackson stared at Kane for several heartbeats, almost too stunned to move. After a moment, though, he realized he was having trouble breathing. His chest was rising and falling a little too heavily.
"That's not possible," he said, trying to keep his expression even. He wasn't going to fall apart in front of Kane.
"Have you seen him since the Dropship launched?" Kane asked. "His sister was on board the Dropship, and we've already seen what lengths he was willing to go to in order to protect her." He sighed. "For that matter, I've seen you recently taking...unusual measures to try to protect her yourself. I don't want to think you told him anything about Project Exodus. I'm hoping you can shed some light on this for me."
Before he could stop himself, Jackson took several steps backward and collapsed as gracefully as possible into a chair. He couldn't breathe. Jackson knew Bellamy hated Jaha. But how had Bellamy even found out about the Dropship? How had he acquired a weapon? Oh God, was Bellamy really gone?
Jackson propped his elbows on his knees and dropped his head into his hands. "I saw him… this morning. He was in bed when I left for work. I haven't…" He drew a deep breath and forced himself to stay strong. "I haven't seen him since." He looked back up and met Kane's gaze. "I never told him anything. I'd prefer to not wind up like the Griffins."
Kane looked unhappy. "I don't enjoy seeing people floated, Jackson. All I insist is that people follow the rules. Rules which are in place for the continued survival of our species." He rubbed his forehead. "I know you can't have been the person who helped him get on the Dropship; you didn't have access. That leads me to believe that you didn't tell him about his sister. But if you come across any information, it's vital that you share it with me immediately."
He was silent for a moment, then said, "I'm sorry you had to find out like this. You...seemed very happy together." He turned to go.
Jackson stared at his back, and when the door clicked shut behind Kane, Jackson's eyes filled with tears almost reflexively. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. Abby was sentenced to float. Bellamy was on Earth, and without a wristband, so who could even know what condition he was in?
Bellamy shot Jaha and left on the Dropship.
He left me. Without warning.
Jackson buried his face in his hands and tried to breath. He felt almost too stunned to process anything. Finally, he drew a shaky breath and straightened.
Work.
He had to work.
He couldn't fall apart. Not yet. Abby wouldn't fall apart. And she deserved better than having Jackson fall apart after spending months on this project.
Somehow he forced himself to go back to Medical long enough to check on Jaha's condition--still critical, but there was still hope--and then return to the Earth monitoring station. He wasn't sure how late it was when Sinclair rested a hand on his shoulder and told him he should get some sleep.
"Abby would want you to be there tomorrow," Sinclair said quietly. "If Kane really goes through with this."
Jackson held Sinclair's gaze for a long moment, fairly certain his own face reflected Sinclair's deeply unhappy expression, then he nodded and headed for his rooms. Halfway there, he took a detour to the mess, where he sat and ate a meal that seemed tasteless. Like cardboard.
He finished his food anyway and stared at the empty plate. He was avoiding going home, he knew. He closed his eyes and drew a deep breath, then stood, forcing one foot in front of the other until he was at his door.
It had become habit to lock the door, thanks to Bellamy, so Jackson unlocked the door, letting himself in, but he couldn't step inside for several heartbeats. His throat was tight as he thought about all the times Bellamy had locked the door, the way he'd brought Jackson meals, how he'd taken care of Jackson. How? How could he have done what Kane said he'd done?
How could he have left Jackson?
After a minute, Jackson forced himself to step inside and shut the door behind him. He looked blankly around at the home he'd grown used to sharing with Bellamy.
It was empty. It was silent. It felt… cold.
Jackson leaned back against the door, his eyes stinging as he stared at the chess set on the table, mid-game. His chest hurt. It didn't belong there anymore. Not with his mother gone. Not with Bellamy gone now too.
Bellamy left him.
Jackson wasn't sure how it was possible to sob and be suddenly furious at the same time, but he managed it. He strode across the room and swiped the chessboard off the table. It crashed into the wall and all the pieces scattered across the floor as Jackson collapsed into a chair and finally allowed himself to lose control, weeping into his hands.
He didn't know how much time had passed when he finally realized his breathing was mostly steady again, his eyes raw but dry. Maybe the tears were done for now. He didn't know if he would be able to sleep, even though he felt drained of energy, but he should try.
Jackson stripped down to his boxers and shuffled to the bed, where he caught his breath, staring at the pillow.
A single sheet of paper was folded in half, held in place with a black pawn. Jackson's throat tightened so much he couldn't breathe. Did he even want to see what Bellamy had written? How Bellamy had thought he could explain this abandonment?
His hand shaking, he reached out and unfolded the paper.
J --
They're sending Octavia to Earth with a bunch of skybox kids. I have to do this. I'm so sorry. I'll always love you.
Bell
Jackson stared at the paper, feeling stupidly preoccupied by the fact that Bellamy had felt the need to tell him what was happening to Octavia--what had happened to Octavia. Bellamy had no idea Jackson knew already. It hadn't crossed his mind.
Jackson gasped softly when one of his tears hit the paper, smudging the word 'skybox'. He quickly wiped the wetness away and climbed into bed, clutching the note and the pawn to his chest.
Tears were slowly rolling over his face now, but he ignored them. If Bellamy survived the landing, if Earth was habitable, Jackson could be on the next Dropship down. If Bellamy survived, this might not be a forever goodbye. Maybe they really could be a family. On Earth.
Jackson pushed away the discomfort that he knew Bellamy would be punished for his crime. He couldn't think about that. He had to be strong.
He wiped the tears off his face and closed his eyes. "I love you too, Bell. Always."