A Modicum of Comfort, Part One, Hotch/Reid, NC-17/FRAO

[severity-softly.livejournal.com]

Title: A Modicum of Comfort, Part One
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Hotch/Reid
Rating: PORN NC-17/FRAO
Summary: On the night of Hotch's divorce, he finds comfort in an unexpected place.
Word count: ~13,000 (both parts)
A/N: Severity is ebil and made Innerslytherin a H/R shipper. Mwahaha! ;) One shot. Posted for the Bring Back the Porn Challenge @ IJ. :D Thank you to aoibhe and norinoricat for beta reading it!


Hotch knew, or at least Reid was fairly certain Hotch knew, the reason that the team had gone out tonight. Hotch's marriage was over. Well, it had been over for a very long time, but today it was made official. Of course, no one said that was the reason Morgan had decided it was a good night for them to go out and drink at The Auld Dubliner, but everyone knew it. And as the night drew on, Hotch had gotten quieter and quieter, and the rest of the team had trickled out of the bar, which seemed to be growing quieter as well.

Reid wasn't entirely certain what time it was when he found himself alone with Hotch, or how he'd been elected the one to stay until Hotch was ready to leave, but the bar was starting to empty and all the ice in his drink had melted into fruit-flavored water. He shifted in his seat, unsure what to say, and then just blurted the only thing he could think, the very thing everyone else had been avoiding talking about. "Are you okay?"

Hotch actually laughed at the question he'd been expecting all night, from just about everyone but Reid. It wasn't a very happy laugh, but there was genuine amusement behind it. For all that Morgan had had good intentions behind this night out, wanting to commiserate and keep Hotch from going home alone...well, everyone but Reid seemed to have vanished. He could hear JJ's laughter from the back room, which meant she was kicking someone's butt at darts, but Garcia and Kevin had made polite excuses earlier and left together while Hotch tried to pretend it didn't send a pang of loneliness through him.

He didn't miss Haley any more-- but he missed someone. Just knowing there was someone waiting at home for him, someone to snuggle up to at night, someone who would care if he got home late...it was all that kept him going sometimes, and now that was gone. He glanced over at Reid, then looked down into his glass again, thinking it had been a bad idea to drink tonight.

"Not really. But thanks. You really don't have to baby-sit me." It was strange, but he really couldn't tell if Reid was here by default, because he didn't have anything else to do, or if he really enjoyed Hotch's company. Then again, Hotch was The Boss, so that probably played into it, too.

Reid frowned and chewed his lip a moment, then shook his head. "That's not what I'm doing. You know how well I handle children," he said, hoping he might get a smile or laugh that didn't look or sound quite so defeated. He liked to think sometimes that he and Hotch understood each other, even if sometimes... well, they just didn't. They really had very little in common, but there still seemed, at least to Reid, to be an indefinable undercurrent of knowing between them.

Hotch laughed again, one corner of his mouth curling up. "Reid, you just made a joke," he said, trying not to sound too surprised. Morgan was of the opinion that Reid didn't have a sense of humor; Hotch knew he had one, but it never seemed like the rest of them were smart enough to get it.

Reid smiled, meeting Hotch's gaze for a moment. "Thanks for noticing," he said, a trace of amusement lacing his voice.

Hotch rocked his mostly-empty glass, watching the liquid swirl inside. "You know, it's stupid to be so depressed. I knew this was coming from the moment I came back to the BAU after Milwaukee."

Reid nodded. "It's generally easier to understand things intellectually than it is to understand them emotionally. Emotions are irrational and often inconsistent."

Hotch glanced over at Reid again. The team had grown so used to Reid having analytical, intellectual reactions to things that they tended to forget that he wasn't even thirty yet. He was mature for his age in a lot of ways, but there were so many things he hadn't experienced that most people had.

"It doesn't make them any less valid," Hotch offered finally. "Just...more difficult to understand." He took a sip of his drink.

"Right, that's... what I meant. The knowledge of events to come, especially those that are difficult, can never fully prepare you for the fallout of them." He swallowed, and wondered if this was helping, if he was being too analytical about this. Morgan had once told him he talked like a textbook more often when he was out of his element.

Hotch nodded slowly. "She was having an affair," he offered suddenly. He hadn't told anyone that. Not even Dave, who knew him better than the other members of the team. He wasn't sure why it was easier to tell Reid things like this. Maybe because Reid was so accepting. No matter what you said, Reid never offered judgment. Hotch didn't know what to say after that. He licked his lips and drained his glass.

Reid's eyes snapped up at that, and he looked at Hotch for a long moment before he said anything. He didn't know what to say, and he wasn't sure why Hotch had told him that at all. Then again, everyone still told him everything, even after Randall Garner. After a moment he shook his head. "She doesn't know what she lost."

The moment the words were out of Reid's mouth, he wanted to swallow them again. What he said was entirely true, in his opinion, but not something he should have said out loud, not to his boss, no matter how much those thoughts had been creeping into his mind lately. Reid bit his lips together unconsciously.

Hotch turned his head to look at Reid, his lips curling faintly. "Wow, a joke and a compliment on the same night," he said. It was easier to tease than to think about Haley... But that was the thing his thoughts kept coming back to. He shook his head. "I was gone a lot, I know that. And I made you my other family--the team, you know? But never once was I unfaithful to her." Not even on those occasions when I was tempted, he didn't add. He didn't want to admit he'd been tempted. He'd always sort of thought Reid looked up to him, just a little, and he didn't like the idea of ruining that. Especially not if Reid knew he was the one who had tempted Hotch.

Reid's heart tugged when Hotch called him his other family, but it quickly subsided when Hotch amended that to the team. Reid had to scold himself again. Just because Hotch was officially single now did not change their relationship.

Someone cheered across the bar and Reid looked that direction for a minute, then turned back. "You're loyal." He laughed softly. "I'd better stop or I might meet my quota of pleasantries for the entire month in one night." He turned and smiled at Hotch, his gaze imploring Hotch to believe he meant what he'd said anyway.

Hotch shrugged. "Apparently loyal isn't as important as 'not five hundred miles away'." Shit, that sounded bitter. He didn't like the taste of bitterness. He wondered if it was really a good idea to get another drink, then flagged down a passing server anyway. "Get you another?" he asked Reid, glancing at his empty glass.

Reid shook his head. "No, I don't think so." He looked at Hotch's glass and away, and decided not to say anything. After the past year, Reid had no right to judge anyone for wanting even temporary, false escape, be it with alcohol or anything else.

He looked at Hotch again for a long moment, a tiny voice in his head suggesting that sex might be just as good at helping someone forget as liquor, but then he just cleared his throat and looked away. "You love your job, and your job is important, and not many people can say those things. It's unfortunate that Haley didn't understand that." Reid didn't really know much about relationships, but he knew enough to see that Haley Hotchner never, at least not in the time Reid had known her, understood what made Aaron Hotchner tick.

Hotch sighed and shrugged. "Maybe it was wrong. She was my high school sweetheart. Maybe I should have put her ahead of my career. She'd have been happy if I'd stayed a prosecutor forever." He glanced up at Reid, smiling wryly. "Misery in the workplace or misery at home, which is worse?"

"Depends on the extent of the misery. Some is more bearable than others, and in most miserable situations, there are still elements of happiness." Reid shrugged, frowning and wondering why his mother kept drifting back to his mind throughout this conversation. Maybe he should have taken that drink offer.

Hotch nodded thoughtfully. He'd made a conscious decision to keep trying to please Haley, even when it was becoming increasingly obvious that nothing he did would please her. It occurred to him that Reid knew what he was talking about. He'd grown up with a mother who was a paranoid schizophrenic; that situation couldn't have made for an easy home life. "Sometimes if you love someone, you're willing to put up with a lot," Hotch said quietly. It was an invitation, if Reid would take it that way. It was a nice feeling when Reid confided in him.

Reid offered a wan smile, turning to face Hotch fully and propping his elbows on the table. "I know." He wasn't entirely sure he should talk about what he was thinking, wasn't sure if he should put the focus on himself. But maybe that was what Hotch needed, to know Reid understood, or maybe just to not think about his own trouble right now. Reid leaned in a bit. "You know, I knew for years... that I was going to have to commit my mother." His lips pulled into a thin line. "But that didn't make it any easier when the day came." Of course, he'd only been a child, but he thought the experience translated to a certain degree.

"Even knowing it's for the best," Hotch murmured, nodding again. "I know Haley can't be happy with me, and I...well, I haven't been happy with her in some time." He sipped at his drink. "I think we both thought Jack would save things. Instead he just made it even clearer that our marriage was falling apart." He glanced at Reid. "You couldn't have continued taking care of your mother. It was a burden that should never have been placed on you."

Reid smiled another sad smile and looked back at Hotch. "Jack will understand when he's older." He bit the inside of his lip, but didn't look away, knowing there was a lot they weren't saying right now, but not thinking it really needed to be said. "Just don't turn into a guilty dad."

A guilty dad...like Reid's father? Hotch lowered his eyebrows, watching Reid quizzically over the rim of his glass.

"I think that's why he was never around. He was ashamed of leaving us. Maybe of leaving me alone with her." Reid shook his head, and glanced around for their waitress. Maybe he should have that drink, but didn't see her, so he turned back to Hotch. "My mother said he was weak... and I'm pretty sure he believed her." He didn't need to add that his father had outright agreed with her.

Hotch nodded slowly. "Not being able to cope with her illness doesn't make him weak," he said slowly. "But leaving his ten-year-old son to handle it alone..." Hotch clenched his jaw for a moment. "That's what I hold against your father."

Reid shook his head, ignoring the last part of what Hotch said for a moment. "I think he's weak on both counts." His mouth pulled to one side. Reid knew he was weak, too. He abandoned her, too. He shook the thought away. "You don't need to hold anything against my father. There are two of us who do a pretty good job of that already." It felt good that Hotch was protective of him, though. Reid had always known Hotch protected him. Still, the conversation was becoming uncomfortable. The last thing he wanted Hotch to do was start associating Reid with Jack - especially not when Reid couldn't help looking at Hotch in all the ways he wasn't supposed to sometimes. "You're a stronger man than that, though." You're a better man than that.

Hotch laughed, despite the unpleasant topic of conversation. "Reid, you don't get to tell me not to care about you," he said, his lips quirking up. "I blame your father for making your life harder than it had to be. I blame Carl Buford for making Morgan's life harder. I blame Randall Garner for hurting Elle." He shrugged, feeling slightly guilty that his concern for Reid was...well, more personal, and slightly less appropriate, than his concern for the rest of the team. "And your father's the one man I haven't seen brought to justice for his sins." His expression turned a little self-mocking; he didn't have any right to want Reid's father to pay for abandoning his son. That didn't stop him.

Reid stared at Hotch for a moment, and then he just couldn't help it - he started laughing. He swirled the watery mix in his glass, and finally the laughter subsided, in spite of the grin left on his face. "He didn't do anything illegal," he said, amused.

His smile turned grateful after a moment. "You figured out my clues in Georgia." His lips pressed together because they both knew the damage that had caused, and that Hankel never really was 'brought to justice', but Hotch had understood him, had figured out what Reid was trying to tell the team. Hotch had saved him. "You don't need to tell me you care about me. I know."

"Good." Hotch's smile slipped, remembering that case. That had been the start of these inappropriate feelings for Reid. Having to watch the younger man suffer, feeling powerless to save him, had been a nightmare. And then when they'd found Reid in the cemetery, and Reid had hugged him...Reid didn't hug anyone. Hotch had spent months telling himself it was just a stress reaction. He'd spent months not wanting to believe that.

"Thanks, by the way," Reid said, watching Hotch and wondering what he was thinking.

Someone across the bar yelled "Last call!"

Reid tilted his head. "I guess it's late."

Hotch glanced across the bar, then back at Reid. "Guess so. Thanks for keeping me company tonight, Reid." He didn't want to go home alone. The nearly-empty apartment, with its flat white walls and stacks of boxes, was uninviting, and he hadn't bothered doing much unpacking since he was spending more time at work than at home. He didn't think inviting Reid back for drinks was a good idea, though.

Reid shook his head, and then inclined it toward the door, and they both started towards it, heading out into the brisk night air. Reid wrapped the scarf that had been hanging uncoiled all night back around his neck and squinted at Hotch, wondering if he had the nerve to offer as much as he suddenly wanted to.

Hotch pulled his jacket closed and then grinned at the purple scarf. He tugged lightly on it. "It's not really that cold," he teased. The alcohol had warmed him, the night pleasantly fuzzy because of it. He probably ought to take a cab home.

Reid smiled, but that gesture from Hotch was an unusual one, and Reid didn't miss it. He glanced down at Hotch's hand and took a step forward before he caught himself. "I'm from southern Nevada. It drops below fifty-five and I think it's cool." Not to mention he lacked the body mass to retain heat easily. He looked back up and cocked his head at Hotch. "Are you okay to drive?"

Hotch shrugged, still fiddling with Reid's scarf. He ought to move away from Reid; this was getting too dangerous. "I suppose I should call a cab," he admitted. "I didn't mean to drink quite so much."

Reid tried his best to ignore the sudden jolt of nerves that hit him when Hotch didn't move away, when Hotch kept toying with the end of his scarf. He swallowed and closed his hands over Hotch's, and told himself it was just to stop the nearly flirty gesture, but then he didn't want to let go. "Um. I, ah, I... have a car."

Hotch's eyes widened a little when Reid grabbed his hand. God, he'd been flirting with Reid! "I wouldn't want you to go out of your way," he said, stepping back. "I'm not drunk, I just think it would be more responsible if I took a cab." He smiled at Reid and tugged his hand away gently. "You don't have to baby-sit me," he said for the second time.

Reid cleared his throat and shoved his hands in his pockets. "I told you that's not what I'm doing," he said, but he was looking at the ground. He shrugged, but didn't say anything.

Hotch frowned. "What's wrong?" he asked, leaning in again and trying to get Reid to look at him. "If you really don't mind, you could drop me off at--my apartment." He couldn't call it home. He didn't really think of it as home. The BAU was as close as he got to having a home these days.

Reid shook his head and looked back up when Hotch moved closer again, but he still didn't have anything to say. Well, he didn't have anything he could say. He frowned at Hotch for a moment. "I don't mind." He didn't move to his car, though. He didn't move at all, except to roll up to the balls of his feet and back down. When he did finally force himself to move, however, it wasn't exactly what he'd planned to do at all. He moved toward Hotch, a series of tiny stutter starts at first, and then wrapped his arms around Hotch's shoulders.

He'd done it before, but this time it might well have been the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life.

Shocked, Hotch nevertheless automatically closed his arms around Reid, holding on tightly. Oh, this was horrible. Reid was just trying to make him feel better about the divorce, and Hotch was unhappy about the divorce...but he found his body responding to Reid's closeness, and it was a welcome feeling, even if he knew it was a bad idea. After a moment, Hotch sighed and slumped a little against Reid. "Spencer," he murmured softly.

Oh God. Reid's eyes widened. He was fairly certain Hotch had never used his first name like that. That vulnerable tone of voice did all sorts of strange things to Reid. He tightened his arms, and decided adamantly not to call Hotch by his first name. Hotch had been drinking, and was still his boss. Reid knew he shouldn't reach up and stroke Hotch's hair either, so he fought the impulse, but still licked his lips and spoke before he could stop himself. "You, ah... you don't have to be alone tonight."

The words sent a thrill through Hotch, then rational thinking kicked in. Reid wasn't trying to pick him up, he was just making an offer any friend would make. Then why didn't Morgan or Prentiss offer? whispered a voice in his mind. He took a deep breath. "I, um...My apartment isn't ready for entertaining, I'm afraid," he said, though he thought his tone made it clear that if Reid was inviting him over, he'd say yes.

"I don't need to be entertained." Reid realized he should let go of Hotch and pulled back.

Hotch smiled faintly. "I don't even know which box the glasses are in," he said. "But if you don't mind drinking out of a can..." He licked his lips, knowing he should just go home and go to bed. "I don't want to be alone," he admitted.

Reid shook his head. "I don't mind." In his head, he knew he should invite Hotch to his place, but there was an underlying fear that Hotch might see Reid's apartment and change his opinion of Reid, that somehow he might think of Reid as less of an adult.

Hotch nodded, feeling both relieved and more anxious when Reid moved toward his car.


Part Two

Comments

[amaranth-moon.livejournal.com]

i love this!! and even if it nearly kills me i'm going to save part two for tomorrow :-)

seriuosly, i'm afraid you'll soon convert me entirely to slash, i enjoy reading your stuff way too much :-)

[innerslytherin]

*G* Oh, wow, the display of willpower dazzles me! ;) I'm glad you're enjoying it so far. (Will it help if I confess to liking JJ/Will and Hotch/Prentiss and Garcia/Kevin...and for that matter, Prentiss/Morgan? Just because I only write slash any more doesn't mean it's all I like... ;) )

[severity-softly.livejournal.com]

*tempts with pretty men*

>.>

*G* Thank you so much! :D I only really read slash, but I dabble occasionally in het, writing wise. :)

[severity-softly.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[nathanialroyale.livejournal.com]

It's Sweet, and in character! (It seems hard to find such a thing alas)

[severity-softly.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[innerslytherin]

Thanks! :D

[ilomalfoyferret.livejournal.com]

AH! This story is starting to REALLY get me into the pairing Hotch/Reid. I can't wait to read part two.

[innerslytherin]

LOL yay! :)

[innerslytherin]

I would love to see what Reid's apartment looks like. :) I bet it reflects him perfectly.

[68luvcarter.livejournal.com]

So great.......can't wait for part two.