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geekystudmuffinTitle: The Expansion of Two Natures, part ten
Authors:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innerslytherin and severity_softly
Pairing: Hotch/Rossi, and a little Hotch/Haley
Rating: R for this part and NC-17 overall
Summary: When Aaron Hotchner is new to the BAU, he finds himself working closely with SSA David Rossi--one of the original founders of the department. As their relationship progresses, they realize what they have together is more than friendship...but circumstances keep them from having all that they knew they could have together. Years later, Dave has a second chance, just when Aaron needs a friend the most...
Word count: ~7,300 for this part, ~78,000 overall
Notes: RP format. Mild AU, as we played fast and loose with Hotch's already screwy back story (especially in regards to his work history and the timeline of his marriage to Haley).
This is the final chapter. Thanks so much for the encouragement and great comments along the way!
Previous parts: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four-a, Part Four-b, Part Five-a, Part Five-b, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine
"Love is the expansion of two natures in such fashion that each include the other, each is enriched by the other." - Felix Adler
New York was a struggle that never got any easier. First they couldn't keep up, then the team was falling apart, with Morgan throwing a very public fit. More unsubs, more shootings, more playing mediator between an old friend and a trusted team member.
And when Aaron finally started to feel like he was at least regaining control of the team, everything clouded over again in a haze of pain and confusion when he was blown across a city street by an explosion. He didn't stop, though. He refused to stop, and when his body forced him to stop in the hospital, when he'd finally gotten Kate to safety and then collapsed, he was angry--angry because he couldn't do it all, and that much was becoming readily apparent.
Dave and Aaron had reached the same conclusion about the bomb at nearly the same moment; Dave had seen the guilt flash through Aaron's eyes and a part of him had ached for Aaron even as they headed for the security center of the hospital and then chased Morgan through the hospital. Dave took the lead, letting Reid cover him. Aaron was limping as they ran through the hospital, and their failure to stop the terrorist from setting off the bomb or killing himself just added to the air of defeat around him. Kate's death... Dave hadn't known her, but he'd liked her well enough, in spite of her physical resemblance to Haley.
When they got back to their hotel at the end of it all, Dave let the others get ahead of them while he fell back to walk with Aaron.
Aaron was frowning so deeply it hurt... but then everything hurt, so maybe it had nothing to do with his frown. He hadn't been able to save Kate, he'd driven the bomb directly to the hospital himself, he'd nearly been killed, Morgan had just run off with the fucking ambulance without a word to anyone but Garcia. And now Aaron was limping and in pain on top of it all. He felt sick, and he wasn't even sure how much of that was physical and how much was mental and emotional.
He looked over at Dave, not meeting Dave's gaze, and then back ahead of him as they headed down the hall towards his room. "Not in the mood," he muttered.
"Gee, and seeing you bloody and limping really got me hot," Dave said, sarcasm creeping into his voice because arguing Aaron into it was easier than persuading him nicely.
"Dave. Don't." Aaron slid the key into his room door and went inside, but he didn't bother to stop Dave. He didn't feel like arguing. It would have been easier to tell Dave to fuck off if Dave wasn't being sarcastic, but he had a feeling Dave knew that.
Once the door clicked shut, Aaron didn't bother to go far. He just slumped against the wall by the door with a groan when his back hit, and closed his eyes.
Dave sighed and bolted the door, then went over to pull Aaron into his arms and away from the wall. "Don't do this, Aaron."
God. Aaron really didn't want to do this. Still, his arms went automatically around Dave, and he pressed his face to Dave's shoulder, trying to suppress the wave of emotion that hit him, or at least not have Dave see it. So much of this could have been prevented if Aaron had been better, and Kate was dead because he couldn't do anything to save her. "Dave," he managed, his voice shaking.
Dave tightened his arms, holding Aaron and not saying anything. There wasn't anything to say. It wasn't all right, and it wouldn't be all right for a while. It wasn't Aaron's fault, but it wouldn't do any good to say it. And Aaron knew Dave loved him, and they had both felt awkward when Dave had actually spoken those words out loud. Dave kissed Aaron's hair and held him as tightly as they could stand.
"God," Aaron choked, and then wasn't able to suppress the sob that followed. It felt wrong to be doing this, so wrong it was frightening, and he had the fleeting thought that he'd really rather be blown up again than break down in someone else's arms. He bit down hard and pushed his hands between them, against Dave's chest. "I don't want to do this," he whispered desperately.
"Don't be an idiot," Dave snapped, not letting go. He kissed Aaron's temple, his lips soothing the sting of his words. "You're going to fall apart sometime, and if you don't do it now, it'll be worse later."
Aaron actually laughed at that, a tired, mournful laugh, and then just curled his fingers into the front of Dave's shirt. "I think living through another blast would be less painful." He sniffed hard.
"I know," Dave murmured. He tightened his arms briefly, then loosened them a little, suddenly remembering Aaron's injuries. He didn't let go of Aaron, though. He couldn't. It could have been you, he thought, and his breath caught in his throat for just a moment. He opened his mouth to speak, then couldn't think of anything.
Aaron slid his hands back around Dave again when Dave loosened his grip and pressed his face to Dave's neck. He knew Dave would feel the wetness, and part of him was ashamed of it, but it was starting to hit him that there wasn't a single other person he could even do this with. He pressed his hands more firmly against Dave's back when he realized they were trembling. "I drove the damn thing to the hospital myself," he managed. "I got the gurney out of the back, and I didn't even... see. I--"
"And if you hadn't, she'd have bled to death in the street," Dave said quietly. "You at least gave her that much dignity. You gave her a fighting chance." He wondered vaguely if Aaron had touched his minibar at all since getting here. He would need a stiff drink and a hot bath when this was over.
"It was an arterial bleed, Dave. She didn't--" Aaron clenched his jaw a moment, but the fresh tears came anyway. "She told me to leave, and if I'd left--" The bomb wouldn't have gotten to the hospital. "It would have at least been a quick death." The idea of leaving her to die alone on the street made Aaron ill, though, even now, and he sucked in a shaky breath.
"And she would have died alone," Dave replied. "Whatever else happened, she knew you cared enough about her to risk your own life staying. You were a comfort to her." At least, Dave suspected Kate Joyner had loved Aaron, and he knew that in her place, he would have been comforted by having Aaron refuse to leave.
Aaron shook his head against Dave's neck. He hadn't risked his life. He was fine; he'd, at least, been able to get back up after the blast. He didn't say any of that, though, he just fell silent, stroking his fingers against Dave's back because, as guilty as he felt about it, it did feel good to be reminded he was alive. After the little tremors started to passed, Aaron blew out a gusty breath. "I think she was trying to comfort me," he said, his voice coming out blank.
"Tell me," Dave murmured. He could understand that, too. She would have known that it wasn't Aaron's fault. She would have known Aaron needed to survive so they could solve the case. She would have wanted Aaron to be all right.
Aaron pulled back, but didn't let go. He couldn't quite look at Dave though, so he stared at the wall behind him. "I kept telling her to stay with me, that she was going to be okay... and she kept trying to get me to understand that she wasn't." His voice had flattened and his expression was placid now--he felt exhausted suddenly--but wetness rolled down his cheeks anyway. "I just wouldn't listen to her."
"You didn't want to lose her," Dave said. He lifted one hand to stroke through Aaron's hair, then down his neck to rub a shoulder. "She just wanted you to be all right."
"I'm not," Aaron whispered, then stubbornly wiped at his face, feeling as though his chest had gone hollow. "I need to lie down."
"Mm." Dave kissed him softly. "You need a bath." He nudged gently at Aaron, trying to guide him toward the bathroom.
Aaron groaned, and let Dave guide him, because it was easier than having to make decisions for himself. "I don't feel like doing anything but sleeping," he complained anyway.
"You'll feel better for it," Dave said, and since Aaron wasn't resisting, he started working on the buttons of Aaron's shirt, so he could drop it on the bathroom floor when they got there. He pressed Aaron down gently to sit on the toilet lid and started the hot water running, then turned back to finish undressing him.
Aaron let Dave pull his shoes and socks off, and then work on his pants, and Aaron couldn't even bring himself to resist. Or help. It occurred to him that he should be feeling or doing something right now, but he just felt suddenly empty.
It was painful to see Aaron so broken. He was too strong, too in control. Dave had seen Aaron in pain before, but this almost seemed unreal. He finished undressing Aaron and checked the water temperature; it was very hot, but not unbearable, so he helped Aaron into the tub and then knelt on the floor next to him.
Aaron hissed at the heat against his leg where the worst of the cuts were. He settled in the water anyway, and once the bruises stopped burning in the heat, it actually felt good. He looked down at himself after a moment and frowned. He hadn't actually taken a moment to look at himself yet, and he looked every bit as battered as he felt. He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, dropping his head back against the tub, and the looked at Dave. "You're going to ruin your knees sitting like that," he said, his voice gravelly.
"I'll be all right," Dave murmured, stroking his fingers through Aaron's hair. The short cut was sort of growing on him, though he missed how easy it used to be to mess up. He brushed his thumb across Aaron's cheek.
Somehow a chill went through Aaron, and he sucked in a sharp breath, and then he relaxed again in the warmth. He closed his eyes and leaned into Dave's touch.
Aaron was right that this wasn't the most comfortable position to be in, but there was no place in the world Dave would rather be. As much as he hated the circumstances, he couldn't deny that it felt good to be needed by Aaron, to be able to do something to help, even if it wasn't much. Eventually he got a washcloth and dabbed gently at Aaron's face, then worked his way down, gently, over Aaron's shoulders, arms, chest and back. It was more for the comfort of it than to actually accomplish any cleaning.
Aaron wasn't sure why the way Dave was taking care of him was making him emotional again, but his defenses were already down. It felt good, and Aaron was relatively sure he shouldn't be able to feel good, to let himself take comfort in this. When he leaned forward to let Dave get to his back, his expression went a little pained as he tried to push back the feeling again. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Stop," he murmured, but he was talking to himself.
Dave stilled his motion, unsure if Aaron was talking to him. "Aaron?" He leaned in a little, tilting his head to try to look Aaron in the face. When Aaron didn't look at him, he lifted his free hand to touch Aaron's jaw, turning his face gently towards him. "Talk to me," Dave whispered, and leaned in to barely brush their lips together.
Aaron returned the kiss, deepening it a little because, in spite of himself, he couldn't help wanting to be reminded that he'd survived. He pulled back and pressed his forehead to Dave's. "I don't want to talk; I just want it to stop."
Dave stroked his hand over Aaron's hair. "You know it isn't going away, Aaron," he murmured.
"I know," Aaron whispered. "But I'm done tonight." He wanted to be done, anyway.
Dave sighed and kissed him again. "I want you to relax in here for a while," he said softly. "I'll be right back." He dipped the washcloth in the hot water again and draped it over Aaron's shoulder for warmth, then got up, swallowing a groan as his knees protested. He went out to the minibar and fixed them both drinks--whiskey neat, double. Then he turned down the bed and turned out all but one light, and took off his shoes and socks. He wasn't going to let Aaron kick him out tonight, no matter what. God, I could have lost him, he thought again, and stubbornly pulled himself together after that shaking thought. They couldn't both fall apart tonight, and Aaron's trauma was much more important.
Once he'd gotten everything as ready as he could, he snagged the complimentary bathrobe off the hanger and went back into the bathroom. "Up," he said, grabbing a towel.
Aaron had slumped back in the bath, draping the washcloth over his forehead and staring at the wall. When Dave came in, he got up, but he was starting to feel like a fool for just letting Dave strip him and put him in the bath. He took the towel and dried himself off. The more 'normal' he started to feel, the more exposed he felt too, so he took the robe next, wrapped himself in it, and started out to the bedroom.
Dave started the tub draining and followed Aaron out of the bathroom, wishing Aaron had taken just a little longer to start coming back to himself. Now Dave would probably have to fight to be allowed to stay. "Drinks on the bedside table," he said, unbuttoning his shirt. Maybe Aaron wouldn't argue if he was mostly naked.
Aaron watched Dave for a moment, and then sighed and sat on the edge of the bed without protesting the fact that Dave obviously intended to stay. He picked up the glass and took a long drink, frowning a little at the way it burned his throat. "Thank you," he murmured.
Dave went over and got his own drink, then sat next to Aaron, letting their shoulders touch. "It's been a hell of a day." He gulped some whiskey and sighed.
"Understatement," Aaron said simply, and tossed back the rest of his drink, setting the glass back on the nightstand.
Dave nodded and didn't say anything else for a minute. "You should be in bed," he murmured, and took another long drink.
"I'm close enough," Aaron said, but he'd just been thinking the same thing anyway. He sighed and didn't bother to go get his boxers and undershirt. He just pull off the robe and got under the covers, then reached a hand up and curled it lightly at Dave's hip.
"I'm not going anywhere," Dave said. "Don't argue with me." He drained his glass and set it aside, turning to look down at Aaron.
Aaron smiled softly, but it didn't feel right on his face. "I didn't want you to."
"I could have lost you today, and I'm not--what?" Dave blinked at him, caught off-guard.
Aaron's smile went a little more genuine, and he tugged lightly at Dave's pants. "I need you." his voice was almost too soft for him to hear.
Dave stared at him for a moment more, then nodded. "Good," he grumbled, and shucked his pants so he could climb in next to Aaron. "It's about damn time you admit that."
Aaron's smile slipped as soon as it came because he just didn't have the energy to maintain it. As soon as Dave was lying next to him, he took Dave's arm and tugged it over him.
Dave snuggled as close as he could get and held Aaron loosely, in deference to his injuries. He brushed his nose through Aaron's damp hair, then kissed his jaw. "Aaron."
Aaron drew a deep breath and let it out, stroking his fingers down Dave's side. He felt a little like talking again now that they were relaxed, but decided it was best not to. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," Dave said quietly. He buried his face against Aaron's neck for a moment, breathing in his scent. "I could have lost you," he whispered. "I nearly lost you."
"I know," Aaron whispered. "I know. I'm such an idiot."
"You are not," Dave replied, and kissed him again. "You're the smartest man I know. Well, except for Reid." He pulled back a little and pressed his forehead to Aaron's cheek. "I just can't stand the thought of..." He sighed. "Aaron, this is stupid. We want each other. We want this. And maybe you still need to find yourself, but I can't let you keep holding me at arm's length. I can't take that chance."
"That's what I meant," Aaron said. "Why-- I could-- either one of us." He lifted his head to kiss Dave, trying to make his point clear in action.
Dave kissed him back hard, channeling all his desire and frustration into the kiss. He needed this. They both needed this. And he was through taking 'wait' for an answer. He was glad Aaron had realized it, too.
Aaron hadn't even realized when he decided this was okay, but it was hitting him hard now. Why should he 'learn how to be alone' when it just meant being lonely, and either of them could die any moment? He sifted his hands through Dave's hair and deepened the kiss with a little moan.
Good. Dave stroked a hand along Aaron's side, his tongue tangling hungrily with Aaron's. He didn't want to push for more than Aaron wanted tonight, but he wasn't going to hide how he felt. He wanted to remind Aaron they were alive.
"Dave," Aaron murmured, breathless when the kiss broke. "I'm sorry. If I'd died..."
"I would have never forgiven you," Dave whispered. "God. You can't die on me, Aaron. I need you too fucking much." He trailed kisses along Aaron's jaw, his breathing ragged with emotion he was trying to keep inside. He didn't need to fall apart. He didn't have to fall apart. It was over. Aaron was safe. They were together.
"I can't promise that, but I'm sorry," Aaron murmured, pulling Dave closer. He wanted Dave on top of him, but Dave had to take the initiative on that so Aaron wouldn't wind up hurting more.
Dave rolled obediently over Aaron when he pulled, holding his weight carefully so he would rest only lightly against Aaron's body. "You're forgiven," he breathed, kissing him softly. He smiled faintly and traced his fingers through Aaron's hair, his kisses growing less hungry and more tender.
Aaron whimpered softly, feeling connected, and his body ached, but wanted too. "I need this," he whispered between kisses. "Need you."
Dave smiled and hummed. "I've told you before," he murmured, sliding a knee between Aaron's legs, "I want to always give you anything you need."
*****
Dave woke slowly the next morning, feeling warm and calm. He was lying on his back, Aaron pressed against his side with an arm draped over Dave's stomach. He had a quiet sense of victory, despite the horrible way things had happened on this case. Aaron had said yes to him. Finally, the pieces of Dave's life felt like they were where they belonged.
Aaron had not slept well. The warmth that had washed over him after he and Dave had made love--and there was no question that making love was what they'd done--hadn't lasted long, and Aaron had listened to the sound of Dave's breath settling. After Dave was asleep, Aaron spent a good number of hours trying to join him before eventually giving up on sleep. It had come after a while though, filled with things he didn't want to think about, and when Dave shifted against him, Aaron was almost glad for wakefulness, in spite of how his eyes didn't want to open and his body ached worse than the day before. He shifted against Dave and let out a long groan of pain before settling again.
"Aaron," Dave murmured, turning his head and kissing Aaron's forehead. He knew Aaron had had a fitful night, but he wasn't going to call attention to it. He just stroked a hand up Aaron's back and didn't say anything.
"Ugh," Aaron groaned and shifted against Dave. "Need something; be right back," he whispered, shifting to go get the painkillers he knew would be on the bathroom counter.
"Mmm." Dave didn't move much, though he opened his eyes to watch Aaron walk away. He wondered if he could get away with ordering room service, or if Aaron was expecting to go down to the restaurant for breakfast with the team.
Aaron took the painkillers and leaned against the counter, looking over the bruises on his body. It felt both good and bad to move, though he knew he had to so he didn't get too stiff. He walked back out to look at Dave, drawing a hand absently over one of the bruises. He sighed and settled back down against Dave. "I dare you to tell me this isn't the sexiest I've ever looked," he joked, but he sounded a little miserable anyway.
"You could make polka-dot boxers and blue hair look sexy," Dave said. He slid his hands lightly over Aaron's skin. "I hate seeing you look so vulnerable," he admitted after a while. "I feel like I should have done more to watch your back."
"Oh, God, Dave," Aaron muttered. He didn't like being told he looked vulnerable, and wishing things would have been different was useless. "Don't do that. I'm fine, and you were doing what you were supposed to be doing. I wouldn't have let you 'watch my back' anyway."
Dave laughed softly. "It doesn't matter how many times you tell me we're not partners, you'll never be able to make me stop thinking of you that way. And if my partner gets hurt, it still feels like my fault, even if I know I couldn't have changed it."
Aaron looked up at Dave. He didn't feel the same way, exactly. He'd been part of the team for too long before Dave came back, but he could understand that Dave felt that way. He'd been Aaron's partner back when Aaron was new at the BAU for far longer than he'd been on the team now. Aaron smiled and brushed his fingers along Dave's jaw. "Have I ever told you what an idiot you are?" he murmured, his tone affectionate.
"Frequently and loudly," Dave replied, smiling at him. He tightened his arms briefly, gazing at Aaron.
Aaron leaned up to kiss Dave, slowly, then pulled away just enough to whisper against Dave's lips. "I don't feel like I should say this now. It's not a stress reaction, but it feels that way, and I don't want you to think... Dave," he breathed, then kissed Dave again. "I love you. I loved you fifteen years ago; I knew that, and everything changed, but it didn't go away. And I didn't get... to tell Kate..." He trailed off and stopped. He knew Kate had to have known he cared, but he'd been too busy working and then trying to save her that he hadn't actually said it--ever--and now he was going to have to live with that.
Dave shivered and ran his fingers through Aaron's hair soothingly. "She knew," he said softly. "I knew. But it's so fucking good to hear you admit it." He kissed Aaron, tenderly and thoroughly.
Aaron deepened the kiss and then groaned at the way he shifted to do it. When he pulled away, he settled against Dave's shoulder again, feeling a little vulnerable, but relieved.
Dave stroked his hands over Aaron's skin, holding him close. Aaron's actions last night had spoken for him, but something about hearing those words settled a deep joy in Dave's soul. He closed his eyes, hands still roaming comfortingly. "I love you," he whispered quietly, his fingers sliding through Aaron's hair.
Aaron's heart squeezed. He knew that Dave loved him, but it was nice to hear it when Dave was sober. It was a relief to hear it when he knew he could return it. Aaron drew a deep breath, ignoring how his ribs ached, this kissed Dave's neck. "Thank you," he whispered.
"You should have known that by now," Dave said, but he was smiling. He didn't bother to add that he'd loved Aaron for years and would love him for the rest of their lives, but he thought that was fairly obvious by now.
They didn't go down for breakfast, and Aaron knew he should kick Dave out so no one would catch on that Dave wasn't in his room, but Aaron couldn't bring himself to do it. He wanted to stay in bed with Dave all day. Of course it would be better in Dave's personal bed, but getting there meant a long drive home, which Aaron wasn't looking forward to. Eventually, though, they had to get up, and Hotch went about getting ready, which took twice as long as usual.
Dave was glad Aaron let himself stay in bed late, though he knew Aaron felt a little awkward about Dave leaving his hotel room. Particularly in the same clothes he'd had on the night before. He carried both Aaron's and his luggage down to the lobby and checked them out while Aaron was on the phone with Strauss.
The lobby was where Morgan found him. Dave didn't know and didn't really care what Morgan knew or guessed about him and Aaron. Morgan asked how Hotch was, then asked if it was all right if he drove him back to Quantico. Dave figured getting things straightened out with Morgan would make Aaron feel better, so he shrugged and said it wouldn't be a problem. He didn't like leaving Aaron, but it was for the best.
All the same, the flight home seemed quicker than usual and the wait at the office longer than usual, since he ended up doing a lot of catch-up paperwork waiting around for Aaron and Morgan to get in.
The drive back to Quantico seemed exceedingly long. Morgan had obviously expected Aaron to be grateful that he was driving, and after Aaron had flat out told him how he felt, neither of them really said much. Every once in a while, Morgan would open his mouth, and Aaron would shift to face the window a little more. It was possibly childish, but Aaron was angry and in no mood to fight it, and avoiding the issue was better than winding up shouting at Morgan in the car.
When they got back to the BAU, they walked in and parted without a word, and Aaron headed to his office. Then took a detour when he saw Dave's light on. Everyone else on the team had come and gone already, and Aaron did his best to ignore the way Morgan was watching him as he stepped into Dave's office. "What are you still doing here?" he murmured.
Dave looked up and smiled. "Waiting for you," he said. "And catching up on a lot of stuff that I've been neglecting. How was the drive back?"
"Quiet." Aaron looked back over his shoulder and saw Morgan look away. "Deathly." He walked into the room and looked at Dave. "You should have gone home. You're tired too, and you're not as young as you used to be," he said, trying to sound joking, but only managing to sound tired.
"Hey. I resent that." Dave glanced over at Morgan. "Things with you and Derek didn't work out?"
Aaron shook his head. "There's nothing to work out," he said sincerely.
"Is that so." Dave looked back at Aaron, then shrugged. "Well, I'm ready to head home if you are. My place or yours?"
Aaron watched Dave for a moment, and then said, "Yours." His own house still felt like his and Haley's house, no matter how long she'd been gone.
Dave nodded and stood up. "I'll see you there soon, right?" He wasn't entirely sure Aaron should be driving, but he wasn't about to say anything about it, after the unpleasant trip Aaron had obviously had from New York.
Aaron nodded, and started out of the office. He didn't feel like driving, really, but he didn't want to admit it. They were half-way down to the bullpen before Aaron decided to just bite the bullet and ask. It really shouldn't be so hard to ask. Not with Dave. "Actually," he said slowly. "I was hoping you'd drive."
"Okay." Dave smiled at him and stuck his hands in his pockets. "I should pick up some milk on the way home. Mine's probably gone bad." He shot a glance at Morgan, who was at his desk trying not to look like he was watching.
"Are you asking for my permission, or telling me?" Aaron said, purposely ignoring the exchange of looks between Dave and Morgan as they walked past Morgan towards the elevators.
Dave shrugged. "Just letting you know, if you want cereal in the morning, we need to stop for milk."
"You're not going to make me pancakes?" Aaron asked, and managed to smile at Dave. "I don't really care what we eat tomorrow morning, or if we eat at all," he added quietly.
"Well, at some point we'll need to eat," Dave said. "But if you don't care about milk, I don't either. Let's go home and go to bed."
Aaron nodded, and once the elevator doors were shut behind him, he pressed his hand to the small of Dave's back. "He knows," he murmured, nudging Dave closer.
Dave shrugged. "He doesn't seem to care." He wondered if Morgan had said something, or if Aaron was just guessing.
Aaron shook his head. "That's beside the point." Oddly, Aaron couldn't bring himself to feel too uncomfortable about it, and that was what was making him the most uncomfortable. Of course, it was more than likely that he was simply too tired to react the way he should be reacting.
"What is the point, then?" Dave asked, resting a hand on Aaron's hip and looking at him.
"I don't know," Aaron admitted. "Too many things to think about right now," he said, and looked down at Dave.
Dave shrugged. "They'll all figure it out eventually, Aaron," he said, his voice low. "I don't have a problem with that, but I understand if you do."
Aaron sighed and shifted so that he was leaning very slightly against Dave. "I wish I wasn't supposed to have a problem with it," he said after a long pause.
Dave lifted his head to kiss Aaron briefly. "Well. We'll burn that bridge when we come to it."
Aaron returned the kiss and nodded. "Okay." He reached up to brush his fingertips along Dave's jaw and opened his mouth, but the elevator was slowing, so he just shifted away and started out through the doors when they opened.
Dave pushed down the flutter of anxiety Aaron's words had woken in him. After all, Aaron was the SAC, and he did have to be concerned about things like that, but they would work something out. He just caught up with Aaron and led the way to his truck.
Their drive to his apartment was quiet. They were both exhausted, and Dave suspected Aaron was in pain, as well. Shithead came running to greet them when Dave unlocked the apartment door, and to Dave's amusement, the cat spent the majority of its time twining around Aaron's ankles and purring loudly. He wondered if Aaron could hear the purr.
Aaron greeted the cat with a 'hello, cat' that had become habit, then nudged it away enough not to step on it. It followed him when he went to the kitchen for a glass of water though, and when he settled at the edge of Dave's bed after brushing his teeth with the toothbrush in his ready bag and pulling off everything but his undershirt and boxers, it hopped into his lap again. When Dave walked in, Aaron had his hand on its back, the vibration of the cat's body going through it. "Apparently, you're sleeping on the couch."
Dave laughed. "I guess we're destined to have others come between us forever," he said, and ran his fingers tenderly through Aaron's hair. "You know, there's a large number of people who believe that the feline purr has a healing property. Some people even believe cats can just tell when we're in pain." He gave Shithead a speculative look and flipped off the overhead light, leaving just the bedside lamps on as he climbed into bed.
Aaron closed his eyes at the touch, and then snorted. "You've been spending far too much time with Reid. Remind me to pair you up with Morgan for a while." The mention of Morgan made Aaron's stomach clench, but he just pushed the cat off his lap and climbed back onto the bed next to Dave.
Dave laughed again and pulled Aaron into his arms. "Just wait. You'll wake up with him curled up against you and purring." This felt good. The New York case had been hell, but at least it had made Aaron admit that he belonged with Dave.
"It wouldn't be the first time," Aaron murmured, trying to take comfort in this. He thought back to when Dave had been hurt when Aaron was new to the BAU, and he spent several nights with the cat curled up at his stomach; when Dave had come back, they'd kissed the first time. Aaron smiled softly and kissed Dave's throat.
"Mmm." Dave stroked his fingers through Aaron's hair again. "You know, my cat's never liked anyone as much as he likes you." He smiled.
"Maybe he knows how much you like me," Aaron replied, shifting to a more comfortable position under Dave's arm.
"Probably," Dave said, his smile widening. He kissed Aaron softly. "He knows how happy you make me."
"Mmm, shut up and go to sleep," Aaron murmured affectionately.
Dave laughed and closed his eyes.
*****
Aaron could tell by the way Dave looked at him the first time they were alone in Lower Canaan that Dave was not happy that Aaron had returned to work. Aaron was, quite honestly, shocked that the doctor had signed his release back to work at all, but he wasn't going to complain, and to Dave's credit, he didn't say a word. The ringing and buzzing didn't really ever stop, but it was manageable most of the time, at least it was until several guns went off around him at the same time when their unsub decided to commit suicide by cop and Aaron's ear and head exploded with pain.
Dave was there, holding Aaron as much as he dared in front of the team, and Aaron couldn't do anything to stop the pain or even protest Dave's obvious protective gesture.
He supposed that Dave decided his pain had been punishment enough too, because when Aaron returned to the hotel later that night, Dave didn't lecture him. Dave did, later, order him to "stretch out" his trip home, though, and there was no question Dave meant it as an order no matter how he stated it. After experiencing first hand just how badly his injury could affect him, Aaron was finally willing to admit defeat and take a break.
The trip actually took several days longer than it should have when Aaron decided to go further south than necessary. He spent a few days in a hotel in Georgia so he could visit Jack; Haley was still living with her mother, having not decided where she wanted to settle. When Aaron finally got back to Virginia, he was in a better mood for the visit, even if enduring his ex-wife to see his child had been uncomfortable.
He went home to grab fresh clothes and necessities, and then headed directly to Dave's knowing Dave wouldn't mind letting him stay for a few days until he was really cleared to return to work.
Things at the BAU had been running fairly smoothly without Aaron, but Dave wasn't under any illusions; he knew it was because the team was used to Aaron's unobtrusive style of leadership, and they were being charitable enough to overlook Dave's mis-steps as he tried to emulate that. It didn't come naturally to him--he was used to giving orders and having them carried out--but he couldn't deny that the team functioned better the way Aaron did things.
All the same, he was relieved on a professional level as well as a personal one when he opened his door and found Aaron standing there with a bag over his shoulder. He smiled broadly and stood aside so Aaron could come in. "Back in town finally." His voice was warm.
"Yeah," Aaron murmured, and waited for the door to shut before reaching up to touch Dave's face. "Is my team still in one piece?"
Dave wrapped his arms around Aaron and kissed him hungrily. "Of course it is, you Doubting Thomas."
Aaron hummed into the kiss, returning it fully, then pulled away just enough to look down at Dave. "Morgan didn't go to New York?" he asked, unsure exactly why, but the transfer situation had still been up in the air when Aaron had left.
"He wouldn't like the politics of running a field office," Dave said. He stroked his hand idly over Aaron's back. "Anyway, he said there wasn't anywhere he'd rather be than the BAU. He respects you more than anyone, you know."
Aaron shook his head. "He clearly doesn't, underneath what even he thinks," he said, then pressed his lips together and leaned against Dave. "I wanted to bring Jack back with me," he said, changing the subject.
"You should have," Dave murmured. "You won't be ready to go back to work just yet. Haley could have come to pick him up when you're back in the office." He kissed Aaron's forehead. "Come sit down," he suggested, nudging Aaron toward the couch.
Aaron let Dave guide him. "I'm not sure he's ready for the likes of you yet," he teased, and settled next to Dave. He wasn't going to keep that he was close to Dave from Jack, though he had no intention of being obvious about their relationship just yet. Not that Jack would really understand now anyway, but Aaron hadn't been able to help considering how he should handle this, and he knew that introducing the idea sooner rather than later was a good idea, even if he didn't think it was quite time yet.
Dave snorted. "Hey, I know how to be nice to kids. I have nieces and nephews." He stroked his fingers lightly along Aaron's leg. "Just because I didn't have any of my own doesn't mean I don't know how to behave myself."
Aaron smiled and leaned over to kiss Dave. "I'm ready to work," he said softly, but he knew it wasn't going to happen right way, so he immediately conceded. "Maybe I'll see if they'll let me fly them out." Not that he wanted Haley here, but Jack couldn't fly alone, and he wasn't sure asking Haley to fly to Virginia, then back alone, then back to pick up Jack, then back to Georgia was exactly fair.
Dave tried to hide his distaste for that suggestion. "She hasn't been unreasonable about you seeing Jack, has she?" Aaron hadn't said so any of the times they'd talked on the phone, but Dave wasn't sure how much Aaron was still in the habit of protecting Haley from censure.
"No," Aaron said truthfully. "She'll get custody," he said, and that still caused a little ache in Aaron's chest, but he knew that his lifestyle prevented him from being constant enough to share custody on any kind of regular basis. "But she has no intention of keeping him from me. She told me I should visit more often, actually." It had been an awkward, uncomfortable suggestion, but Aaron had appreciated it anyway.
"Good." Dave sighed and kissed Aaron's cheek, then buried his nose in Aaron's hair. "I'm sorry she took him so far away," he murmured. "It's got to be awful not getting to see him more often."
Aaron sighed and settled closer to Dave, knowing there was really nothing he could say to that to make it seem better that wouldn't have been a lie.
Dave hummed, holding Aaron tightly. He had missed being able to touch Aaron while they were apart. It was almost amusing how quickly Dave was adjusting to having Aaron in every part of his life. He thought about the mess in his guest bedroom, where he'd spent the afternoon going through a bunch of old things and deciding what to get rid of and what to keep. He'd started thinking maybe he should get a bigger apartment--one that would have a room for Aaron's things, maybe a desk so he could have a study here. He didn't suppose Aaron would want to officially move in together, but it would be nice if they both had their own space.
"Have you eaten?" It was still early in the evening; maybe Aaron would feel like going out for dinner. Dave would need a quick shower first, since he'd been working, but he felt like getting out of the apartment.
Aaron looked up at Dave and kissed him softly. "I was thinking about that when I went home, actually." He stroked Dave's cheek and then sat back, stretching a bit. "Let's go out."
Dave nodded, pleased. "Give me ten minutes to shower. I've been cleaning all afternoon." You can spend the time bonding with Shithead." He grinned and headed back to get cleaned up. Fifteen minutes later he was clean and dressed in jeans and a button-down shirt and came out to the living room.
The cat hadn't actually been in the living room, but when the shower went on, Aaron stretched out on the couch, and it was as if the cat suddenly just knew it. Aaron was pounced almost immediately after he rested back. When Dave came back out, Aaron was actually starting to doze, the soft vibrations of Shithead on his chest relaxing him. He opened his eyes and smiled softly at Dave. "Do you remember when I said I'd buy you a steak when I was ready to make an honest man out of you?" he murmured.
Dave smiled slowly. "Seems like I do remember some sort of conversation like that," he said. He leaned against the wall, looking down at his lover and his cat.
Aaron closed his eyes a moment and sighed, then pushed the cat off his chest. He wiped uselessly at the cat hair on his chest when he got up. "We're going to have to talk about this shedding thing," he murmured at the cat as it walked away, then he looked up at Dave. "Ready?"
More than ready, Dave thought, but he just nodded and held out a hand. "Whenever you are."
Aaron's lips curled into a small smile at the offered hand. He took it and tugged Dave toward the door.
Authors:
innerslytherin and severity_softlyPairing: Hotch/Rossi, and a little Hotch/Haley
Rating: R for this part and NC-17 overall
Summary: When Aaron Hotchner is new to the BAU, he finds himself working closely with SSA David Rossi--one of the original founders of the department. As their relationship progresses, they realize what they have together is more than friendship...but circumstances keep them from having all that they knew they could have together. Years later, Dave has a second chance, just when Aaron needs a friend the most...
Word count: ~7,300 for this part, ~78,000 overall
Notes: RP format. Mild AU, as we played fast and loose with Hotch's already screwy back story (especially in regards to his work history and the timeline of his marriage to Haley).
This is the final chapter. Thanks so much for the encouragement and great comments along the way!
Previous parts: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four-a, Part Four-b, Part Five-a, Part Five-b, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine
"Love is the expansion of two natures in such fashion that each include the other, each is enriched by the other." - Felix Adler
New York was a struggle that never got any easier. First they couldn't keep up, then the team was falling apart, with Morgan throwing a very public fit. More unsubs, more shootings, more playing mediator between an old friend and a trusted team member.
And when Aaron finally started to feel like he was at least regaining control of the team, everything clouded over again in a haze of pain and confusion when he was blown across a city street by an explosion. He didn't stop, though. He refused to stop, and when his body forced him to stop in the hospital, when he'd finally gotten Kate to safety and then collapsed, he was angry--angry because he couldn't do it all, and that much was becoming readily apparent.
Dave and Aaron had reached the same conclusion about the bomb at nearly the same moment; Dave had seen the guilt flash through Aaron's eyes and a part of him had ached for Aaron even as they headed for the security center of the hospital and then chased Morgan through the hospital. Dave took the lead, letting Reid cover him. Aaron was limping as they ran through the hospital, and their failure to stop the terrorist from setting off the bomb or killing himself just added to the air of defeat around him. Kate's death... Dave hadn't known her, but he'd liked her well enough, in spite of her physical resemblance to Haley.
When they got back to their hotel at the end of it all, Dave let the others get ahead of them while he fell back to walk with Aaron.
Aaron was frowning so deeply it hurt... but then everything hurt, so maybe it had nothing to do with his frown. He hadn't been able to save Kate, he'd driven the bomb directly to the hospital himself, he'd nearly been killed, Morgan had just run off with the fucking ambulance without a word to anyone but Garcia. And now Aaron was limping and in pain on top of it all. He felt sick, and he wasn't even sure how much of that was physical and how much was mental and emotional.
He looked over at Dave, not meeting Dave's gaze, and then back ahead of him as they headed down the hall towards his room. "Not in the mood," he muttered.
"Gee, and seeing you bloody and limping really got me hot," Dave said, sarcasm creeping into his voice because arguing Aaron into it was easier than persuading him nicely.
"Dave. Don't." Aaron slid the key into his room door and went inside, but he didn't bother to stop Dave. He didn't feel like arguing. It would have been easier to tell Dave to fuck off if Dave wasn't being sarcastic, but he had a feeling Dave knew that.
Once the door clicked shut, Aaron didn't bother to go far. He just slumped against the wall by the door with a groan when his back hit, and closed his eyes.
Dave sighed and bolted the door, then went over to pull Aaron into his arms and away from the wall. "Don't do this, Aaron."
God. Aaron really didn't want to do this. Still, his arms went automatically around Dave, and he pressed his face to Dave's shoulder, trying to suppress the wave of emotion that hit him, or at least not have Dave see it. So much of this could have been prevented if Aaron had been better, and Kate was dead because he couldn't do anything to save her. "Dave," he managed, his voice shaking.
Dave tightened his arms, holding Aaron and not saying anything. There wasn't anything to say. It wasn't all right, and it wouldn't be all right for a while. It wasn't Aaron's fault, but it wouldn't do any good to say it. And Aaron knew Dave loved him, and they had both felt awkward when Dave had actually spoken those words out loud. Dave kissed Aaron's hair and held him as tightly as they could stand.
"God," Aaron choked, and then wasn't able to suppress the sob that followed. It felt wrong to be doing this, so wrong it was frightening, and he had the fleeting thought that he'd really rather be blown up again than break down in someone else's arms. He bit down hard and pushed his hands between them, against Dave's chest. "I don't want to do this," he whispered desperately.
"Don't be an idiot," Dave snapped, not letting go. He kissed Aaron's temple, his lips soothing the sting of his words. "You're going to fall apart sometime, and if you don't do it now, it'll be worse later."
Aaron actually laughed at that, a tired, mournful laugh, and then just curled his fingers into the front of Dave's shirt. "I think living through another blast would be less painful." He sniffed hard.
"I know," Dave murmured. He tightened his arms briefly, then loosened them a little, suddenly remembering Aaron's injuries. He didn't let go of Aaron, though. He couldn't. It could have been you, he thought, and his breath caught in his throat for just a moment. He opened his mouth to speak, then couldn't think of anything.
Aaron slid his hands back around Dave again when Dave loosened his grip and pressed his face to Dave's neck. He knew Dave would feel the wetness, and part of him was ashamed of it, but it was starting to hit him that there wasn't a single other person he could even do this with. He pressed his hands more firmly against Dave's back when he realized they were trembling. "I drove the damn thing to the hospital myself," he managed. "I got the gurney out of the back, and I didn't even... see. I--"
"And if you hadn't, she'd have bled to death in the street," Dave said quietly. "You at least gave her that much dignity. You gave her a fighting chance." He wondered vaguely if Aaron had touched his minibar at all since getting here. He would need a stiff drink and a hot bath when this was over.
"It was an arterial bleed, Dave. She didn't--" Aaron clenched his jaw a moment, but the fresh tears came anyway. "She told me to leave, and if I'd left--" The bomb wouldn't have gotten to the hospital. "It would have at least been a quick death." The idea of leaving her to die alone on the street made Aaron ill, though, even now, and he sucked in a shaky breath.
"And she would have died alone," Dave replied. "Whatever else happened, she knew you cared enough about her to risk your own life staying. You were a comfort to her." At least, Dave suspected Kate Joyner had loved Aaron, and he knew that in her place, he would have been comforted by having Aaron refuse to leave.
Aaron shook his head against Dave's neck. He hadn't risked his life. He was fine; he'd, at least, been able to get back up after the blast. He didn't say any of that, though, he just fell silent, stroking his fingers against Dave's back because, as guilty as he felt about it, it did feel good to be reminded he was alive. After the little tremors started to passed, Aaron blew out a gusty breath. "I think she was trying to comfort me," he said, his voice coming out blank.
"Tell me," Dave murmured. He could understand that, too. She would have known that it wasn't Aaron's fault. She would have known Aaron needed to survive so they could solve the case. She would have wanted Aaron to be all right.
Aaron pulled back, but didn't let go. He couldn't quite look at Dave though, so he stared at the wall behind him. "I kept telling her to stay with me, that she was going to be okay... and she kept trying to get me to understand that she wasn't." His voice had flattened and his expression was placid now--he felt exhausted suddenly--but wetness rolled down his cheeks anyway. "I just wouldn't listen to her."
"You didn't want to lose her," Dave said. He lifted one hand to stroke through Aaron's hair, then down his neck to rub a shoulder. "She just wanted you to be all right."
"I'm not," Aaron whispered, then stubbornly wiped at his face, feeling as though his chest had gone hollow. "I need to lie down."
"Mm." Dave kissed him softly. "You need a bath." He nudged gently at Aaron, trying to guide him toward the bathroom.
Aaron groaned, and let Dave guide him, because it was easier than having to make decisions for himself. "I don't feel like doing anything but sleeping," he complained anyway.
"You'll feel better for it," Dave said, and since Aaron wasn't resisting, he started working on the buttons of Aaron's shirt, so he could drop it on the bathroom floor when they got there. He pressed Aaron down gently to sit on the toilet lid and started the hot water running, then turned back to finish undressing him.
Aaron let Dave pull his shoes and socks off, and then work on his pants, and Aaron couldn't even bring himself to resist. Or help. It occurred to him that he should be feeling or doing something right now, but he just felt suddenly empty.
It was painful to see Aaron so broken. He was too strong, too in control. Dave had seen Aaron in pain before, but this almost seemed unreal. He finished undressing Aaron and checked the water temperature; it was very hot, but not unbearable, so he helped Aaron into the tub and then knelt on the floor next to him.
Aaron hissed at the heat against his leg where the worst of the cuts were. He settled in the water anyway, and once the bruises stopped burning in the heat, it actually felt good. He looked down at himself after a moment and frowned. He hadn't actually taken a moment to look at himself yet, and he looked every bit as battered as he felt. He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, dropping his head back against the tub, and the looked at Dave. "You're going to ruin your knees sitting like that," he said, his voice gravelly.
"I'll be all right," Dave murmured, stroking his fingers through Aaron's hair. The short cut was sort of growing on him, though he missed how easy it used to be to mess up. He brushed his thumb across Aaron's cheek.
Somehow a chill went through Aaron, and he sucked in a sharp breath, and then he relaxed again in the warmth. He closed his eyes and leaned into Dave's touch.
Aaron was right that this wasn't the most comfortable position to be in, but there was no place in the world Dave would rather be. As much as he hated the circumstances, he couldn't deny that it felt good to be needed by Aaron, to be able to do something to help, even if it wasn't much. Eventually he got a washcloth and dabbed gently at Aaron's face, then worked his way down, gently, over Aaron's shoulders, arms, chest and back. It was more for the comfort of it than to actually accomplish any cleaning.
Aaron wasn't sure why the way Dave was taking care of him was making him emotional again, but his defenses were already down. It felt good, and Aaron was relatively sure he shouldn't be able to feel good, to let himself take comfort in this. When he leaned forward to let Dave get to his back, his expression went a little pained as he tried to push back the feeling again. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Stop," he murmured, but he was talking to himself.
Dave stilled his motion, unsure if Aaron was talking to him. "Aaron?" He leaned in a little, tilting his head to try to look Aaron in the face. When Aaron didn't look at him, he lifted his free hand to touch Aaron's jaw, turning his face gently towards him. "Talk to me," Dave whispered, and leaned in to barely brush their lips together.
Aaron returned the kiss, deepening it a little because, in spite of himself, he couldn't help wanting to be reminded that he'd survived. He pulled back and pressed his forehead to Dave's. "I don't want to talk; I just want it to stop."
Dave stroked his hand over Aaron's hair. "You know it isn't going away, Aaron," he murmured.
"I know," Aaron whispered. "But I'm done tonight." He wanted to be done, anyway.
Dave sighed and kissed him again. "I want you to relax in here for a while," he said softly. "I'll be right back." He dipped the washcloth in the hot water again and draped it over Aaron's shoulder for warmth, then got up, swallowing a groan as his knees protested. He went out to the minibar and fixed them both drinks--whiskey neat, double. Then he turned down the bed and turned out all but one light, and took off his shoes and socks. He wasn't going to let Aaron kick him out tonight, no matter what. God, I could have lost him, he thought again, and stubbornly pulled himself together after that shaking thought. They couldn't both fall apart tonight, and Aaron's trauma was much more important.
Once he'd gotten everything as ready as he could, he snagged the complimentary bathrobe off the hanger and went back into the bathroom. "Up," he said, grabbing a towel.
Aaron had slumped back in the bath, draping the washcloth over his forehead and staring at the wall. When Dave came in, he got up, but he was starting to feel like a fool for just letting Dave strip him and put him in the bath. He took the towel and dried himself off. The more 'normal' he started to feel, the more exposed he felt too, so he took the robe next, wrapped himself in it, and started out to the bedroom.
Dave started the tub draining and followed Aaron out of the bathroom, wishing Aaron had taken just a little longer to start coming back to himself. Now Dave would probably have to fight to be allowed to stay. "Drinks on the bedside table," he said, unbuttoning his shirt. Maybe Aaron wouldn't argue if he was mostly naked.
Aaron watched Dave for a moment, and then sighed and sat on the edge of the bed without protesting the fact that Dave obviously intended to stay. He picked up the glass and took a long drink, frowning a little at the way it burned his throat. "Thank you," he murmured.
Dave went over and got his own drink, then sat next to Aaron, letting their shoulders touch. "It's been a hell of a day." He gulped some whiskey and sighed.
"Understatement," Aaron said simply, and tossed back the rest of his drink, setting the glass back on the nightstand.
Dave nodded and didn't say anything else for a minute. "You should be in bed," he murmured, and took another long drink.
"I'm close enough," Aaron said, but he'd just been thinking the same thing anyway. He sighed and didn't bother to go get his boxers and undershirt. He just pull off the robe and got under the covers, then reached a hand up and curled it lightly at Dave's hip.
"I'm not going anywhere," Dave said. "Don't argue with me." He drained his glass and set it aside, turning to look down at Aaron.
Aaron smiled softly, but it didn't feel right on his face. "I didn't want you to."
"I could have lost you today, and I'm not--what?" Dave blinked at him, caught off-guard.
Aaron's smile went a little more genuine, and he tugged lightly at Dave's pants. "I need you." his voice was almost too soft for him to hear.
Dave stared at him for a moment more, then nodded. "Good," he grumbled, and shucked his pants so he could climb in next to Aaron. "It's about damn time you admit that."
Aaron's smile slipped as soon as it came because he just didn't have the energy to maintain it. As soon as Dave was lying next to him, he took Dave's arm and tugged it over him.
Dave snuggled as close as he could get and held Aaron loosely, in deference to his injuries. He brushed his nose through Aaron's damp hair, then kissed his jaw. "Aaron."
Aaron drew a deep breath and let it out, stroking his fingers down Dave's side. He felt a little like talking again now that they were relaxed, but decided it was best not to. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," Dave said quietly. He buried his face against Aaron's neck for a moment, breathing in his scent. "I could have lost you," he whispered. "I nearly lost you."
"I know," Aaron whispered. "I know. I'm such an idiot."
"You are not," Dave replied, and kissed him again. "You're the smartest man I know. Well, except for Reid." He pulled back a little and pressed his forehead to Aaron's cheek. "I just can't stand the thought of..." He sighed. "Aaron, this is stupid. We want each other. We want this. And maybe you still need to find yourself, but I can't let you keep holding me at arm's length. I can't take that chance."
"That's what I meant," Aaron said. "Why-- I could-- either one of us." He lifted his head to kiss Dave, trying to make his point clear in action.
Dave kissed him back hard, channeling all his desire and frustration into the kiss. He needed this. They both needed this. And he was through taking 'wait' for an answer. He was glad Aaron had realized it, too.
Aaron hadn't even realized when he decided this was okay, but it was hitting him hard now. Why should he 'learn how to be alone' when it just meant being lonely, and either of them could die any moment? He sifted his hands through Dave's hair and deepened the kiss with a little moan.
Good. Dave stroked a hand along Aaron's side, his tongue tangling hungrily with Aaron's. He didn't want to push for more than Aaron wanted tonight, but he wasn't going to hide how he felt. He wanted to remind Aaron they were alive.
"Dave," Aaron murmured, breathless when the kiss broke. "I'm sorry. If I'd died..."
"I would have never forgiven you," Dave whispered. "God. You can't die on me, Aaron. I need you too fucking much." He trailed kisses along Aaron's jaw, his breathing ragged with emotion he was trying to keep inside. He didn't need to fall apart. He didn't have to fall apart. It was over. Aaron was safe. They were together.
"I can't promise that, but I'm sorry," Aaron murmured, pulling Dave closer. He wanted Dave on top of him, but Dave had to take the initiative on that so Aaron wouldn't wind up hurting more.
Dave rolled obediently over Aaron when he pulled, holding his weight carefully so he would rest only lightly against Aaron's body. "You're forgiven," he breathed, kissing him softly. He smiled faintly and traced his fingers through Aaron's hair, his kisses growing less hungry and more tender.
Aaron whimpered softly, feeling connected, and his body ached, but wanted too. "I need this," he whispered between kisses. "Need you."
Dave smiled and hummed. "I've told you before," he murmured, sliding a knee between Aaron's legs, "I want to always give you anything you need."
*****
Dave woke slowly the next morning, feeling warm and calm. He was lying on his back, Aaron pressed against his side with an arm draped over Dave's stomach. He had a quiet sense of victory, despite the horrible way things had happened on this case. Aaron had said yes to him. Finally, the pieces of Dave's life felt like they were where they belonged.
Aaron had not slept well. The warmth that had washed over him after he and Dave had made love--and there was no question that making love was what they'd done--hadn't lasted long, and Aaron had listened to the sound of Dave's breath settling. After Dave was asleep, Aaron spent a good number of hours trying to join him before eventually giving up on sleep. It had come after a while though, filled with things he didn't want to think about, and when Dave shifted against him, Aaron was almost glad for wakefulness, in spite of how his eyes didn't want to open and his body ached worse than the day before. He shifted against Dave and let out a long groan of pain before settling again.
"Aaron," Dave murmured, turning his head and kissing Aaron's forehead. He knew Aaron had had a fitful night, but he wasn't going to call attention to it. He just stroked a hand up Aaron's back and didn't say anything.
"Ugh," Aaron groaned and shifted against Dave. "Need something; be right back," he whispered, shifting to go get the painkillers he knew would be on the bathroom counter.
"Mmm." Dave didn't move much, though he opened his eyes to watch Aaron walk away. He wondered if he could get away with ordering room service, or if Aaron was expecting to go down to the restaurant for breakfast with the team.
Aaron took the painkillers and leaned against the counter, looking over the bruises on his body. It felt both good and bad to move, though he knew he had to so he didn't get too stiff. He walked back out to look at Dave, drawing a hand absently over one of the bruises. He sighed and settled back down against Dave. "I dare you to tell me this isn't the sexiest I've ever looked," he joked, but he sounded a little miserable anyway.
"You could make polka-dot boxers and blue hair look sexy," Dave said. He slid his hands lightly over Aaron's skin. "I hate seeing you look so vulnerable," he admitted after a while. "I feel like I should have done more to watch your back."
"Oh, God, Dave," Aaron muttered. He didn't like being told he looked vulnerable, and wishing things would have been different was useless. "Don't do that. I'm fine, and you were doing what you were supposed to be doing. I wouldn't have let you 'watch my back' anyway."
Dave laughed softly. "It doesn't matter how many times you tell me we're not partners, you'll never be able to make me stop thinking of you that way. And if my partner gets hurt, it still feels like my fault, even if I know I couldn't have changed it."
Aaron looked up at Dave. He didn't feel the same way, exactly. He'd been part of the team for too long before Dave came back, but he could understand that Dave felt that way. He'd been Aaron's partner back when Aaron was new at the BAU for far longer than he'd been on the team now. Aaron smiled and brushed his fingers along Dave's jaw. "Have I ever told you what an idiot you are?" he murmured, his tone affectionate.
"Frequently and loudly," Dave replied, smiling at him. He tightened his arms briefly, gazing at Aaron.
Aaron leaned up to kiss Dave, slowly, then pulled away just enough to whisper against Dave's lips. "I don't feel like I should say this now. It's not a stress reaction, but it feels that way, and I don't want you to think... Dave," he breathed, then kissed Dave again. "I love you. I loved you fifteen years ago; I knew that, and everything changed, but it didn't go away. And I didn't get... to tell Kate..." He trailed off and stopped. He knew Kate had to have known he cared, but he'd been too busy working and then trying to save her that he hadn't actually said it--ever--and now he was going to have to live with that.
Dave shivered and ran his fingers through Aaron's hair soothingly. "She knew," he said softly. "I knew. But it's so fucking good to hear you admit it." He kissed Aaron, tenderly and thoroughly.
Aaron deepened the kiss and then groaned at the way he shifted to do it. When he pulled away, he settled against Dave's shoulder again, feeling a little vulnerable, but relieved.
Dave stroked his hands over Aaron's skin, holding him close. Aaron's actions last night had spoken for him, but something about hearing those words settled a deep joy in Dave's soul. He closed his eyes, hands still roaming comfortingly. "I love you," he whispered quietly, his fingers sliding through Aaron's hair.
Aaron's heart squeezed. He knew that Dave loved him, but it was nice to hear it when Dave was sober. It was a relief to hear it when he knew he could return it. Aaron drew a deep breath, ignoring how his ribs ached, this kissed Dave's neck. "Thank you," he whispered.
"You should have known that by now," Dave said, but he was smiling. He didn't bother to add that he'd loved Aaron for years and would love him for the rest of their lives, but he thought that was fairly obvious by now.
They didn't go down for breakfast, and Aaron knew he should kick Dave out so no one would catch on that Dave wasn't in his room, but Aaron couldn't bring himself to do it. He wanted to stay in bed with Dave all day. Of course it would be better in Dave's personal bed, but getting there meant a long drive home, which Aaron wasn't looking forward to. Eventually, though, they had to get up, and Hotch went about getting ready, which took twice as long as usual.
Dave was glad Aaron let himself stay in bed late, though he knew Aaron felt a little awkward about Dave leaving his hotel room. Particularly in the same clothes he'd had on the night before. He carried both Aaron's and his luggage down to the lobby and checked them out while Aaron was on the phone with Strauss.
The lobby was where Morgan found him. Dave didn't know and didn't really care what Morgan knew or guessed about him and Aaron. Morgan asked how Hotch was, then asked if it was all right if he drove him back to Quantico. Dave figured getting things straightened out with Morgan would make Aaron feel better, so he shrugged and said it wouldn't be a problem. He didn't like leaving Aaron, but it was for the best.
All the same, the flight home seemed quicker than usual and the wait at the office longer than usual, since he ended up doing a lot of catch-up paperwork waiting around for Aaron and Morgan to get in.
The drive back to Quantico seemed exceedingly long. Morgan had obviously expected Aaron to be grateful that he was driving, and after Aaron had flat out told him how he felt, neither of them really said much. Every once in a while, Morgan would open his mouth, and Aaron would shift to face the window a little more. It was possibly childish, but Aaron was angry and in no mood to fight it, and avoiding the issue was better than winding up shouting at Morgan in the car.
When they got back to the BAU, they walked in and parted without a word, and Aaron headed to his office. Then took a detour when he saw Dave's light on. Everyone else on the team had come and gone already, and Aaron did his best to ignore the way Morgan was watching him as he stepped into Dave's office. "What are you still doing here?" he murmured.
Dave looked up and smiled. "Waiting for you," he said. "And catching up on a lot of stuff that I've been neglecting. How was the drive back?"
"Quiet." Aaron looked back over his shoulder and saw Morgan look away. "Deathly." He walked into the room and looked at Dave. "You should have gone home. You're tired too, and you're not as young as you used to be," he said, trying to sound joking, but only managing to sound tired.
"Hey. I resent that." Dave glanced over at Morgan. "Things with you and Derek didn't work out?"
Aaron shook his head. "There's nothing to work out," he said sincerely.
"Is that so." Dave looked back at Aaron, then shrugged. "Well, I'm ready to head home if you are. My place or yours?"
Aaron watched Dave for a moment, and then said, "Yours." His own house still felt like his and Haley's house, no matter how long she'd been gone.
Dave nodded and stood up. "I'll see you there soon, right?" He wasn't entirely sure Aaron should be driving, but he wasn't about to say anything about it, after the unpleasant trip Aaron had obviously had from New York.
Aaron nodded, and started out of the office. He didn't feel like driving, really, but he didn't want to admit it. They were half-way down to the bullpen before Aaron decided to just bite the bullet and ask. It really shouldn't be so hard to ask. Not with Dave. "Actually," he said slowly. "I was hoping you'd drive."
"Okay." Dave smiled at him and stuck his hands in his pockets. "I should pick up some milk on the way home. Mine's probably gone bad." He shot a glance at Morgan, who was at his desk trying not to look like he was watching.
"Are you asking for my permission, or telling me?" Aaron said, purposely ignoring the exchange of looks between Dave and Morgan as they walked past Morgan towards the elevators.
Dave shrugged. "Just letting you know, if you want cereal in the morning, we need to stop for milk."
"You're not going to make me pancakes?" Aaron asked, and managed to smile at Dave. "I don't really care what we eat tomorrow morning, or if we eat at all," he added quietly.
"Well, at some point we'll need to eat," Dave said. "But if you don't care about milk, I don't either. Let's go home and go to bed."
Aaron nodded, and once the elevator doors were shut behind him, he pressed his hand to the small of Dave's back. "He knows," he murmured, nudging Dave closer.
Dave shrugged. "He doesn't seem to care." He wondered if Morgan had said something, or if Aaron was just guessing.
Aaron shook his head. "That's beside the point." Oddly, Aaron couldn't bring himself to feel too uncomfortable about it, and that was what was making him the most uncomfortable. Of course, it was more than likely that he was simply too tired to react the way he should be reacting.
"What is the point, then?" Dave asked, resting a hand on Aaron's hip and looking at him.
"I don't know," Aaron admitted. "Too many things to think about right now," he said, and looked down at Dave.
Dave shrugged. "They'll all figure it out eventually, Aaron," he said, his voice low. "I don't have a problem with that, but I understand if you do."
Aaron sighed and shifted so that he was leaning very slightly against Dave. "I wish I wasn't supposed to have a problem with it," he said after a long pause.
Dave lifted his head to kiss Aaron briefly. "Well. We'll burn that bridge when we come to it."
Aaron returned the kiss and nodded. "Okay." He reached up to brush his fingertips along Dave's jaw and opened his mouth, but the elevator was slowing, so he just shifted away and started out through the doors when they opened.
Dave pushed down the flutter of anxiety Aaron's words had woken in him. After all, Aaron was the SAC, and he did have to be concerned about things like that, but they would work something out. He just caught up with Aaron and led the way to his truck.
Their drive to his apartment was quiet. They were both exhausted, and Dave suspected Aaron was in pain, as well. Shithead came running to greet them when Dave unlocked the apartment door, and to Dave's amusement, the cat spent the majority of its time twining around Aaron's ankles and purring loudly. He wondered if Aaron could hear the purr.
Aaron greeted the cat with a 'hello, cat' that had become habit, then nudged it away enough not to step on it. It followed him when he went to the kitchen for a glass of water though, and when he settled at the edge of Dave's bed after brushing his teeth with the toothbrush in his ready bag and pulling off everything but his undershirt and boxers, it hopped into his lap again. When Dave walked in, Aaron had his hand on its back, the vibration of the cat's body going through it. "Apparently, you're sleeping on the couch."
Dave laughed. "I guess we're destined to have others come between us forever," he said, and ran his fingers tenderly through Aaron's hair. "You know, there's a large number of people who believe that the feline purr has a healing property. Some people even believe cats can just tell when we're in pain." He gave Shithead a speculative look and flipped off the overhead light, leaving just the bedside lamps on as he climbed into bed.
Aaron closed his eyes at the touch, and then snorted. "You've been spending far too much time with Reid. Remind me to pair you up with Morgan for a while." The mention of Morgan made Aaron's stomach clench, but he just pushed the cat off his lap and climbed back onto the bed next to Dave.
Dave laughed again and pulled Aaron into his arms. "Just wait. You'll wake up with him curled up against you and purring." This felt good. The New York case had been hell, but at least it had made Aaron admit that he belonged with Dave.
"It wouldn't be the first time," Aaron murmured, trying to take comfort in this. He thought back to when Dave had been hurt when Aaron was new to the BAU, and he spent several nights with the cat curled up at his stomach; when Dave had come back, they'd kissed the first time. Aaron smiled softly and kissed Dave's throat.
"Mmm." Dave stroked his fingers through Aaron's hair again. "You know, my cat's never liked anyone as much as he likes you." He smiled.
"Maybe he knows how much you like me," Aaron replied, shifting to a more comfortable position under Dave's arm.
"Probably," Dave said, his smile widening. He kissed Aaron softly. "He knows how happy you make me."
"Mmm, shut up and go to sleep," Aaron murmured affectionately.
Dave laughed and closed his eyes.
*****
Aaron could tell by the way Dave looked at him the first time they were alone in Lower Canaan that Dave was not happy that Aaron had returned to work. Aaron was, quite honestly, shocked that the doctor had signed his release back to work at all, but he wasn't going to complain, and to Dave's credit, he didn't say a word. The ringing and buzzing didn't really ever stop, but it was manageable most of the time, at least it was until several guns went off around him at the same time when their unsub decided to commit suicide by cop and Aaron's ear and head exploded with pain.
Dave was there, holding Aaron as much as he dared in front of the team, and Aaron couldn't do anything to stop the pain or even protest Dave's obvious protective gesture.
He supposed that Dave decided his pain had been punishment enough too, because when Aaron returned to the hotel later that night, Dave didn't lecture him. Dave did, later, order him to "stretch out" his trip home, though, and there was no question Dave meant it as an order no matter how he stated it. After experiencing first hand just how badly his injury could affect him, Aaron was finally willing to admit defeat and take a break.
The trip actually took several days longer than it should have when Aaron decided to go further south than necessary. He spent a few days in a hotel in Georgia so he could visit Jack; Haley was still living with her mother, having not decided where she wanted to settle. When Aaron finally got back to Virginia, he was in a better mood for the visit, even if enduring his ex-wife to see his child had been uncomfortable.
He went home to grab fresh clothes and necessities, and then headed directly to Dave's knowing Dave wouldn't mind letting him stay for a few days until he was really cleared to return to work.
Things at the BAU had been running fairly smoothly without Aaron, but Dave wasn't under any illusions; he knew it was because the team was used to Aaron's unobtrusive style of leadership, and they were being charitable enough to overlook Dave's mis-steps as he tried to emulate that. It didn't come naturally to him--he was used to giving orders and having them carried out--but he couldn't deny that the team functioned better the way Aaron did things.
All the same, he was relieved on a professional level as well as a personal one when he opened his door and found Aaron standing there with a bag over his shoulder. He smiled broadly and stood aside so Aaron could come in. "Back in town finally." His voice was warm.
"Yeah," Aaron murmured, and waited for the door to shut before reaching up to touch Dave's face. "Is my team still in one piece?"
Dave wrapped his arms around Aaron and kissed him hungrily. "Of course it is, you Doubting Thomas."
Aaron hummed into the kiss, returning it fully, then pulled away just enough to look down at Dave. "Morgan didn't go to New York?" he asked, unsure exactly why, but the transfer situation had still been up in the air when Aaron had left.
"He wouldn't like the politics of running a field office," Dave said. He stroked his hand idly over Aaron's back. "Anyway, he said there wasn't anywhere he'd rather be than the BAU. He respects you more than anyone, you know."
Aaron shook his head. "He clearly doesn't, underneath what even he thinks," he said, then pressed his lips together and leaned against Dave. "I wanted to bring Jack back with me," he said, changing the subject.
"You should have," Dave murmured. "You won't be ready to go back to work just yet. Haley could have come to pick him up when you're back in the office." He kissed Aaron's forehead. "Come sit down," he suggested, nudging Aaron toward the couch.
Aaron let Dave guide him. "I'm not sure he's ready for the likes of you yet," he teased, and settled next to Dave. He wasn't going to keep that he was close to Dave from Jack, though he had no intention of being obvious about their relationship just yet. Not that Jack would really understand now anyway, but Aaron hadn't been able to help considering how he should handle this, and he knew that introducing the idea sooner rather than later was a good idea, even if he didn't think it was quite time yet.
Dave snorted. "Hey, I know how to be nice to kids. I have nieces and nephews." He stroked his fingers lightly along Aaron's leg. "Just because I didn't have any of my own doesn't mean I don't know how to behave myself."
Aaron smiled and leaned over to kiss Dave. "I'm ready to work," he said softly, but he knew it wasn't going to happen right way, so he immediately conceded. "Maybe I'll see if they'll let me fly them out." Not that he wanted Haley here, but Jack couldn't fly alone, and he wasn't sure asking Haley to fly to Virginia, then back alone, then back to pick up Jack, then back to Georgia was exactly fair.
Dave tried to hide his distaste for that suggestion. "She hasn't been unreasonable about you seeing Jack, has she?" Aaron hadn't said so any of the times they'd talked on the phone, but Dave wasn't sure how much Aaron was still in the habit of protecting Haley from censure.
"No," Aaron said truthfully. "She'll get custody," he said, and that still caused a little ache in Aaron's chest, but he knew that his lifestyle prevented him from being constant enough to share custody on any kind of regular basis. "But she has no intention of keeping him from me. She told me I should visit more often, actually." It had been an awkward, uncomfortable suggestion, but Aaron had appreciated it anyway.
"Good." Dave sighed and kissed Aaron's cheek, then buried his nose in Aaron's hair. "I'm sorry she took him so far away," he murmured. "It's got to be awful not getting to see him more often."
Aaron sighed and settled closer to Dave, knowing there was really nothing he could say to that to make it seem better that wouldn't have been a lie.
Dave hummed, holding Aaron tightly. He had missed being able to touch Aaron while they were apart. It was almost amusing how quickly Dave was adjusting to having Aaron in every part of his life. He thought about the mess in his guest bedroom, where he'd spent the afternoon going through a bunch of old things and deciding what to get rid of and what to keep. He'd started thinking maybe he should get a bigger apartment--one that would have a room for Aaron's things, maybe a desk so he could have a study here. He didn't suppose Aaron would want to officially move in together, but it would be nice if they both had their own space.
"Have you eaten?" It was still early in the evening; maybe Aaron would feel like going out for dinner. Dave would need a quick shower first, since he'd been working, but he felt like getting out of the apartment.
Aaron looked up at Dave and kissed him softly. "I was thinking about that when I went home, actually." He stroked Dave's cheek and then sat back, stretching a bit. "Let's go out."
Dave nodded, pleased. "Give me ten minutes to shower. I've been cleaning all afternoon." You can spend the time bonding with Shithead." He grinned and headed back to get cleaned up. Fifteen minutes later he was clean and dressed in jeans and a button-down shirt and came out to the living room.
The cat hadn't actually been in the living room, but when the shower went on, Aaron stretched out on the couch, and it was as if the cat suddenly just knew it. Aaron was pounced almost immediately after he rested back. When Dave came back out, Aaron was actually starting to doze, the soft vibrations of Shithead on his chest relaxing him. He opened his eyes and smiled softly at Dave. "Do you remember when I said I'd buy you a steak when I was ready to make an honest man out of you?" he murmured.
Dave smiled slowly. "Seems like I do remember some sort of conversation like that," he said. He leaned against the wall, looking down at his lover and his cat.
Aaron closed his eyes a moment and sighed, then pushed the cat off his chest. He wiped uselessly at the cat hair on his chest when he got up. "We're going to have to talk about this shedding thing," he murmured at the cat as it walked away, then he looked up at Dave. "Ready?"
More than ready, Dave thought, but he just nodded and held out a hand. "Whenever you are."
Aaron's lips curled into a small smile at the offered hand. He took it and tugged Dave toward the door.
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Date: 2009-01-17 03:31 am (UTC)It was a good ending. A nice, quiet resolution, for me it went out the way it came in.
I liked it.