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geekystudmuffinTitle: Wanting Reid
Authors:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innerslytherin and severity_softly
Pairing: Hotch/Reid, Hotch/Morgan
Rating: PG-13 (series is NC-17 overall)
WC: ~9,800
Summary: When Reid finds out Hotch's divorce is final, he makes his move. Unfortunately for Reid, he doesn't know what's going on between Morgan and Hotch.
Notes: Self-betaed. Set generically during season three. RP format. This is the third installment of a four-part series (eventual Hotch/Morgan/Reid--all four parts to be posted this week). The first two installments, Helping Morgan and Watching Hotch, should be read for context.
It had only been one week since Hotch had told Reid the divorce with Haley was final. It wasn't unexpected, but the surge of hope it had sent through Reid's entire body was. It had nearly floored Reid at the time, the strength of it, and he was certain Hotch hadn't understood the blank expression Reid had fixed on him after he'd spoken the words. But Reid couldn't have stopped the stunned expression if he'd tried; he could barely see through the thought that clouded his mind in that moment: Hotch is single.
He knew he shouldn't think things like that about Hotch. He knew he should just go on about work, like Morgan did, and watch Hotch from afar like always, but even before Hotch had privately confided in him while driving to the jet after a case, Reid hadn't failed to notice the way Hotch was paying more attention to him than usual. Hotch was outright flirting with him when they were in private. Reid didn't know much about being hit on, but it happened to him so rarely that it stood out when it did. And it was certainly happening with Hotch, whether Hotch knew it or not.
As the week went on, Reid started to wonder if that murmured conversation in the car had been about letting Reid know that their mutual, and previously ignored, attraction was okay now. Or if it was just talk, the way Hotch always talked to him. Either way, the flirting was starting to get under Reid's skin and into his blood, and he wasn't sure he could keep the desire for Hotch -- which was growing stronger by the minute -- from welling up and spilling over the surface. He wasn't sure he could go on without touching Hotch, and if Hotch turned him down, maybe he would at least see what he was doing to Reid and stop torturing him.
Reid was fairly certain that Hotch wouldn't fire him if Reid pushed the issue. In fact, it was the only thing Reid was sure of. Hotch protected him and let him get away with things. Hotch hadn't turned him in when Reid was teetering on the brink of throwing everything away to the peaceful oblivion of drugs. If Hotch truly didn't want Reid, in spite of what his actions seemed to hint at, he would respectfully decline Reid's advances, and then never mention it again, so long as Reid never tried it again.
Reid stayed later than he needed to on the second Friday following Hotch's admission, mildly annoyed that Morgan was sticking around too. There was no reason for it that Reid could see, and Morgan kept insisting Reid was going to miss his train, even though they ran all night. Reid kept insisting he had to catch up on paperwork that had been piling up, until Morgan finally heaved a sigh and left, looking more put out than he ought to.
Reid kept his eyes down until the bullpen door swung shut, and then looked up, watching Morgan through the glass as he walked away. Reid darted a furtive glance around the bullpen, making certain he was alone, and then pushed from his desk to walk to Hotch's office. He hesitated, and then knocked and poked his head in. "Hey. Do you have a minute?" he asked, swallowing the dread he suddenly felt, because he really didn't know what he even had to talk about.
Hotch looked up from his paperwork, giving Reid a welcoming smile that felt too warm. He'd been trying not to respond to the way Reid watched him. He'd meant what he said to Morgan, that he wasn't going to touch Reid. There was the age difference to consider, for one thing. And the fact remained that sleeping with Morgan was already complicating things enough without Hotch trying to work something out with Reid. Not to mention Hotch wasn't really ready to give up what he and Morgan had, especially since it seemed like a mistake to jump from a fifteen-year marriage to making a commitment to someone else.
Still, the way Reid watched him was gratifying, and he'd found himself responding to it instinctively, even when he didn't mean to. And the way Reid had reacted to the news of his finalized divorce--the stunned expression that almost seemed to have an edge of hope to it--had sent a thrill of happiness through Hotch.
He'd seen Morgan watching them still, though Morgan seemed more amused by it than anything, now that he'd realized Hotch still wanted him. The last two times Hotch had been through the bullpen this evening he'd noticed Morgan and Reid both working late, trading comments back and forth. He'd wondered if Morgan expected Hotch's resolve to break. But Morgan had obviously wanted Reid for years and had managed not to turn his charm on Reid. If Morgan could exert that sort of willpower to protect Reid, Hotch could do the same.
"Sure," he said to Reid, gesturing at the chair across from his desk. "What's up?"
Reid smiled, liking the way Hotch was looking at him. Not that it was a new smile, not in the past months, anyway, but Reid hadn't gotten over the thrill of Hotch looking at him like that after what had felt like an eternity of Hotch being completely oblivious. "Um," he started, then mentally rolled his eyes at himself. Genius, remember? He stepped inside the office and shut the door behind him, crossing to the desk to have a seat. "I was just thinking about the last case," he said finally, though, truthfully, the case was the last thing on Reid's mind right now. "The unsub's ex-wife is corroborating his alibi now, apparently," he said conversationally, as if he didn't know if Hotch already knew that. Truthfully, Reid was expecting Hotch to get called back in to consult on the case, and he couldn't help wondering if Hotch was going to take him along.
Hotch nodded. "Yeah, I got a call back from Detective Hanover. I'll probably be heading out there to help her go back through the evidence and provide testimony at the trial." It had been a strange feeling when he first started serving as an expert witness, after years of being a prosecutor. He sat back in his chair, studying Reid's expression. "You didn't really come in here and shut the door to talk about Joseph Liedecker, did you?"
Well, Reid did think it was incredibly sexy when Hotch started talking all lawyer-y, but he felt suddenly caught. Hotch couldn't possibly know what you're thinking, not really. You've been professional since you walked in the door. "I'm sorry, should I have left it open?" he asked, glancing at the door and then giving Hotch his best innocent expression. "I can come back tomorrow if I'm interrupting."
Hotch suddenly felt like he'd kicked Reid or something. Maybe he had come in to talk about Liedecker. "You're not interrupting anything, Reid," he said, dismissing it. "You assisted on that case. Would you like to come out for the trial, too?" He smiled. "We could start grooming you to serve as an expert witness." Of course, Reid still looked a little too young to be an expert anything, despite being their expert on everything.
Reid smiled, and then laughed softly and shook his head. "I could never do what you do," he murmured, then glanced back up. "Yeah, I'd like to come. You don't really think he has a leg to stand on, do you?" Reid wasn't sure why he was stalling, but it didn't feel right to make a move on Hotch in Hotch's office. Listen to myself. Make a move?! He swallowed hard.
"We both know she's lying," Hotch said. "And of course you could do this. Reid, you know this job inside and out. It's just courtroom presence you'd have to work on." And learning to translate technical information into language the jury could understand, he amended. And that would be no mean feat, but Hotch hated to see Reid doubting his own abilities.
Reid smiled a self-deprecating smile and shrugged. "I couldn't do it like you do it, and if you're going to do it at all..." You might as well aim to be the best... like you. Reid trailed off as close to a blatant compliment as he dared to get, then his smile strengthened. "Do you have anywhere to be after you leave?"
Hotch took a slow breath. Was this what he thought it was? Was Reid...asking him out? "I very rarely have anywhere to be after leaving work these days," he said wryly. It was mostly true, though he knew he could go to Morgan's, if he was in the mood for that. And he was in the mood for that more often these days than he had been. Still, that wasn't a relationship. They'd been very clear about that. At the first hint of a relationship, he suspected Morgan would be out the door...though he'd been wondering about that lately, too.
Reid watched Hotch for a moment. He'd known the answer to that when he'd asked it. Of the entire team, Reid was usually the one going home to an empty apartment every evening. Hotch had always seemed equally lonely, even when he did have someone to go home to, and now that he didn't... Reid swallowed again and shifted. "Do you want to go get a coffee?"
The question, as innocent as it was, sent a pulse of excitement through Hotch. "All right." He glanced down at the papers in front of him, trying to collect his thoughts. What was he doing? This was crazy. "This will keep until tomorrow, if you're ready to go."
It was ridiculous how happy it made Reid that Hotch agreed, even when he hadn't expected Hotch to turn him down. Reid grinned, though he didn't miss that Hotch suddenly looked a little at a loss. "I just have to get my bag," he said, then pushed out of the chair and headed for the door. "Meet you at the elevator," he said, and slipped out of the room, giving Hotch a moment to breathe.
Hotch gathered his papers into a stack and shoved them into the folder they'd come from, then stood. He looked at his desk for a minute, then let his gaze wander around his office. Reid had asked him out. Just for coffee, but Hotch wasn't stupid; they'd never done anything like this before, not just the two of them. He cleared his throat, patted his pants pockets to make sure he had his car keys and wallet, and left his office, making his way to the elevator.
Reid adjusted his bag over his shoulder and glanced up at Hotch, smiling at him and trying to fight the nerves that were welling up inside him. This was insane. Absolutely insane. Reid drew a deep breath as the elevator doors dinged open. Once they were both inside and the doors slid shut, the silence between them was deafening. As innocent as the invite had been, they both knew what this was.
Reid rocked on the balls of his feet, watching the elevator numbers go down. "Have you ever seen Annie Hall?"
Hotch frowned slightly; it wasn't unusual to not follow conversations with Reid, but Woody Allen movies weren't the usual topic, either. "Sure, years ago. Why?"
"Do you remember when Alvy and Annie..." Reid trailed off, and drew a deep breath. He'd been thinking about the conversation Alvy and Annie had had on their first date, how the kiss that was expected at the end of the date got built up, and that they ought to just get it out of the way first. Of course, Reid realized, after he'd already started, that this conversation was going to be awkward and weird even for him. "Nevermind."
Hotch raised his eyebrows, watching Reid. He was obviously getting nervous, and that was making Hotch question this all over again. You're too old for him, he told himself. He's just romanticizing a positive male role model. You told Morgan you weren't going to touch Reid. "No, what?" he prompted wanting a distraction from his thoughts.
Reid shook his head. "Nothing," he said, and set his jaw for a moment. You face down serial killers. This should be easy. He turned and looked at Hotch after a moment, his eyes tracing Hotch's face. If he didn't do this soon, the elevators were going to open again to let them out on the ground floor. "Hotch." He licked his lips. "If this comes as a complete surprise to you, I apologize in advance," he said, and as he spoke, he reached up and curled his fingers around Hotch's tie.
Hotch's eyebrows shot up further, but despite his surprise he automatically lifted a hand to rest at Reid's waist. Reid wasn't just asking him out, he was going to kiss him. In the elevator. He realized suddenly what conversation from the movie Reid had been referencing, and he licked his lips. "Reid..." he murmured.
That was certainly not a protest. It was more an acknowledgment that Hotch understood what Reid was about to do. Reid sucked in a breath at the tone of voice, his eyelids lowering as he leaned in, pressing Hotch to the elevator wall. His bag swung forward and hit the side of the elevator near Hotch's hip, and he lifted his other hand to wrap around Hotch's neck. "Hotch," he breathed, and pressed his lips to Hotch's.
A spark of desire ran through Hotch at that contact. His arm slid around Reid's waist, pulling him closer with a quiet noise. His heart was pounding suddenly at the way things suddenly felt like they were slipping out of his control. First Morgan, then Reid, and he wanted this so much, despite knowing how dangerous it all was. He met Reid's kiss eagerly but tried to let Reid control this, not wanting to push too far.
Reid moaned softly, the slide of Hotch's lips and tongue against his even better than he had imagined. He pressed himself tighter against Hotch, and deepened the kiss, his fingertips sliding up into the back of Hotch's hair. When he finally pulled away, he was breathless, but grinning. "Well, that was a relief," he breathed, and darted a glance to see what floor the elevator was on.
Hotch smiled, liking that expression on Reid's face. "Which one of us is Annie?" he asked, lifting a hand to stroke his thumb along Reid's cheekbone. Oh, God, he still didn't think he was ready for a long-term relationship, but he didn't know how to explain that to Reid without making it sound like a rejection. And the last thing in the world he wanted to do was reject Reid.
Reid laughed, and was reluctant to pull away, but they were really starting to push their luck as it was. He leaned away, leaning back against the elevator wall next to Hotch, feeling giddy. "You are, obviously."
Hotch's eyebrows went up and he glanced over at Reid. "Care to explain your logic behind that?" he asked, a teasing note creeping into his voice. Spending time with Morgan was doing wonders for his confidence, he realized. Not that confidence had ever been a problem, until the divorce.
"I asked you out. I brought it up. I kissed you," Reid said, turning his head to smile at Hotch.
"So that makes me the girl?" Hotch asked, but he was smiling back at Reid. It was an impressive display of confidence on Reid's part, that he'd asked Hotch out. It was a good feeling. "Did you take the train to work? We could go somewhere around your apartment and I could give you a ride home."
"That sounds good to me," Reid said, holding Hotch's gaze for a long moment, wondering if he could get Hotch to actually come inside when Hotch dropped him off. "I think Alvy was right," he said. He felt much more relaxed about this now that they'd gotten the kiss out of the way.
*****
Hotch pushed his shoes off and stretched his legs out, relaxing back into his hotel chair. After a moment he loosened his tie a little and leaned his head back to close his eyes. He'd left his suit jacket hanging up by the door and raided the mini-bar, even though he generally didn't do a lot of drinking on the road.
The case had been a bad one, but they were finally wrapping it up with a serial rapist behind bars. They were staying a few extra days to help the local police tie everything together into a solid case for court, though Hotch had a feeling Morgan and Rossi would be coming back at least once more to testify.
He lifted a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose and wondered if he dared find Morgan tonight.
Reid had settled into bed for the night, nursing an aching shoulder and a bruised ego. He'd been shoved into a wall by one of their initial suspects three days ago, and hadn't quite recovered. While the shoulder did fine with Tylenol, the ego was a little harder to fix, even if no one had said anything to him about the incident, aside from making sure he was okay when it had happened.
He flipped through the channels on the television for a while, and then sighed and turned it off, just sitting there in the silent room, thinking. He and Hotch had kissed and had coffee just a week ago, and that had gone well, if maybe a little awkwardly. Reid had been disappointed when Hotch only dropped him off afterward, instead of coming inside, but he tried not to be too disappointed. He had expected Hotch to be the sort to take things slowly anyway.
Neither of them had mentioned it since that night, and Reid had been good about not pushing at all while the case was going on, but now that it was over... well, Reid was trying to decide just how foolish it would be to go knock on Hotch's door tonight.
Probably very foolish, he decided, but after a moment, he picked his room phone up and dialed Hotch's room number.
Hotch must have dozed off, because he jolted upright, his heart pounding, when the phone rang on the desk a few feet from his head. After a moment he got up and answered. "Yeah."
Hotch sounded half-asleep, and Reid cringed. "Um, I didn't mean to wake you up. Sorry."
"I wasn't asleep." Hotch cleared his throat. "Or I shouldn't have been, I was sitting in my chair. So you did me a favor." He smiled. "Everything okay?" He and Reid hadn't spent a lot of time together since the evening Reid kissed him. They'd had coffee, which was awkward, but nice...but Hotch hadn't been sure quite how to approach things after that, and then the case had interfered before he'd had a chance to figure it out.
Reid laughed softly. "Everything's fine," he said, nodding and liking the way Hotch sounded when he was just waking up. He wondered what it would be like to hear that tone of voice in the mornings, with Hotch waking up in his arms. "I could use some company, though." God, that sounded cheesy. Reid frowned, wondering if he was ever going to get better at this stuff, and hoping if he didn't that Hotch would just start to think it was endearing.
Hotch's smile widened. "I'm in 404," he said, and then wondered if he should have invited himself to Reid's room instead. He could see Morgan deciding tonight was a good night for company and showing up at Hotch's door, too. That would be...awkward.
"Mm, I know. I just dialed it." Reid grinned. "Okay. I have to get dressed, though," he murmured, and hung up the phone without waiting for a reply.
Hotch thought about that for about twenty seconds--Reid had to get dressed?--then dialed Reid's number. "Hey," he said when Reid picked up. "I can come over there."
Reid looked down at himself. "You don't find flannel a horrible turn-off, do you?"
Hotch laughed. "Flannel is comfortable," he said. "I do occasionally take the suit off, Reid."
Reid almost--almost-- said 'I certainly hope so', but managed not to. "Okay, come over," he said, and hung up, throwing the blankets off of himself to at least pull the top of the flannel pajamas off and switch it with a plain white undershirt while he waited for Hotch to come down the hallway.
Feeling like he was sneaking around after curfew, Hotch made his way down the hall to Reid's room and knocked softly. He shoved his hands in his pants pockets while he waited, hoping no one would come out and find him here, even though he knew it would look completely innocent. Fortunately Reid didn't keep him waiting long before the door opened. Hotch took in the sight of him in a t-shirt and flannel pajama bottoms and smiled tentatively.
Reid returned the smile, though there was something hesitant in Hotch's. Reid glanced down at himself again, then back up. "Hi," he murmured, and then stepped aside to let Hotch come in.
"Hi," Hotch said, stepping inside and looking around. It was amusing to see Reid's clothes draped over two different chairs and piled on the floor. A genius, but he doesn't pick up after himself, he thought. He told himself it was stupid to need something to remind him Reid was as human as the rest of them. But it made him relax. "Couldn't sleep, or just bored?" he asked, uncertain whether to move the clothes off one of the chairs or just sit on the bed.
"Both," Reid said. "Bad case, nothing on TV, and it got too quiet in here alone." He shut and locked the door and followed Hotch inside, watching Hotch look around the room and feeling suddenly a little self-conscious. "Sorry. It's... a mess. I just..." He shrugged. "Once I stopped having to clean all the time, I just... stopped." Not that he let things he dirty, but he let a fair amount of clutter build just about everywhere he took up residence, whether permanent or otherwise.
Hotch shook his head, still smiling. "Trust me, I understand." He knew he ought to be settling in at his new apartment, but he was still living out of boxes and washing the same set of dishes over and over. The divorce had been finalized nearly two months ago, and he'd moved out of the house some time before that, but he couldn't help viewing the apartment as something temporary.
He looked over at Reid. "How's the shoulder?" he asked.
"It could be better," Reid admitted, then shrugged and decided to admit to more. "I don't care about my shoulder." He tilted his head at Hotch, still watching him.
Hotch frowned and moved closer to Reid, wondering if he'd been hurt besides his shoulder. "What do you mean?"
Reid raised his eyebrows, not really wanting to explain it, but he supposed he did invite the question. He'd grown so used to working with people who knew how you felt sometimes better than you did that it was easy to forget that they weren't mind readers. "I shouldn't have-- I should have been faster," he said, giving Hotch a wry smile and stepping towards him, feeling almost like Hotch's step in Reid's direction held some sort of gravitational pull.
Hotch's eyebrows went up, too. "Reid..." He shook his head and couldn't resist the urge to lift a hand to cup Reid's cheek for a moment. "Not even Morgan could have been fast enough to avoid that. You haven't been beating yourself up about that for three days, have you?" Of course, Hotch knew he had. It was just like Reid to have higher standards for himself than anyone else did.
Reid closed his eyes at the contact. "No," he lied, knowing Hotch knew better. "No one's tackling Morgan into walls. Usually that works the other way around," Reid said, and breathed a laugh, opening his eyes and pressing his hand to Hotch's.
Hotch laughed, too, though that comment was funny to him for a slightly different reason than Reid might think. "Reid..." He shook his head and smiled, stepping closer and pulling the younger man gently into his arms, being careful of his shoulder. "Trust me, there was nothing you could have done better."
"Mmm," Reid hummed, not sounding convinced. "Don't call me 'Reid' when you're doing this," he murmured, hoping they could drop the subject, and running his nose along Hotch's jaw.
"Spencer," Hotch whispered, his eyes falling almost closed. God, this felt so good, having Reid in his arms like this. Why had things felt so awkward when they'd had coffee together?
Reid wrapped his arms around Hotch's shoulders and lifted his head to kiss Hotch. "Much better," he breathed. He let his fingers sift through Hotch's hair, and took a step towards the bed, trying to gauge whether Hotch would follow. God, he hoped Hotch would follow.
Hotch moved with Reid towards the bed, then hesitated. "Spencer," he murmured again, hesitating. He wasn't sure he was ready for a relationship, but he knew that he didn't want something purely physical with Reid, and he doubted this was the best way to continue.
"Hotch," Reid returned, slipping one hand down to slide his fingers through the buttons of Hotch's shirt. He wasn't surprised, though he was disappointed, to find an undershirt covering Hotch's skin underneath his button-up shirt. "What?" he asked, giving Hotch's shirt a tiny tug.
Hotch didn't know what to say, but after a moment his lips curled in a smile. "I can't call you Spencer if you're going to keep calling me Hotch," he said. He moved closer to Reid again, lifting one hand to curl around Reid's.
Reid glanced down at Hotch's hand, wondering if Hotch was trying to stop him from either unbuttoning Hotch's shirt or pulling him to the bed. "If I start calling you Aaron, I might slip at work. It wouldn't look as weird for you to call me Spencer, though." He glanced up at Hotch and bit his lip. "Come to bed with me," he requested, his voice barely above a whisper.
Those words sent a thrill through Hotch, and he dipped his head to kiss Reid again, more hungrily this time. "Spencer," he said huskily. He had the sudden urge to blurt out that Morgan had been the one who told Hotch about Reid. It was a ridiculous thought; he didn't owe Morgan anything. He pushed it away, but it shook him a little. "You won't slip. I want you to call me Aaron."
Reid moaned into the kiss, and pulled at Hotch's shirt again, pleased when Hotch moved more readily this time. "I might. I shouldn't risk it," he breathed, sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling Hotch down to kiss him again.
Hotch let Reid pull him down, but he paused mere inches from kissing Reid. "Say my name," he said quietly, holding Reid's gaze.
Reid looked up at him and licked his lips. "Aaron," he whispered.
Hotch smiled broadly, warmed by that single word. He leaned in and kissed Reid again, his mouth hungry, leaning in so his chest pressed against Reid's.
Oh, well if that was the reaction Reid got just using a first name, Reid was going to use it. "Aaron," he murmured when they broke apart, and leaned back, using Hotch's forward momentum to pull Hotch down on top of him. Reid slid a leg around Hotch's and kissed him again, feeling his body already responding to the press of Hotch's. "Aaron," he breathed, messing up Hotch's normally impeccable hair as he drew a hand through it. "Wanted this."
Hotch sucked in a surprised breath when Reid pulled him down, though he should have been expecting it. "Oh, Spencer," he murmured, his fingers tracing Reid's cheek and jaw. "You're so beautiful. You deserve better." He didn't pull away, though, feeling as if he were trapped inside Reid's gravity.
Reid couldn't stop the laugh that bubbled up at that, and he grinned at Hotch for a moment, then kissed him again. "You can't be serious," he whispered, trailing his lips over Hotch's cheek and starting to work open Hotch's already loose tie.
Hotch's eyes fluttered closed at the feel of Reid's lips against his skin. "I'm divorced and old and have no sense of humor," he murmured. He turned his head to capture Reid's mouth with his own. "You deserve better," he whispered when the kiss broke. And I'm already sleeping with someone else, he added mentally. God, what was he doing?
"You sell yourself short," Reid said, because Hotch was far from old, and just because Hotch's sense of humor was dry didn't mean he didn't have one at all. Reid had come to be rather fond of his dry wit. "And I think I get to decide what I deserve," he added, pulling Hotch's tie out and tossing it on the bed next to them, then kissing Hotch again with a little moan.
Hotch shivered and slid a hand into Reid's hair, trying to push the thought of Morgan out of his head. They were sleeping together, yes, but Morgan was the one who kept pushing the idea of Reid on Hotch. There were no commitments between them, so this was fine. He pulled back enough to turn the kiss teasing, just little tastes of Reid's mouth. He was so gorgeous, and he wanted Hotch. It was irresistible.
Reid whimpered, following Hotch's movements. "Hotch," he moaned, then corrected, "Aaron." He wanted to pull open Hotch's shirt, but he slid his hands down, wanting even more for Hotch to feel how much he was desired. Reid squeezed Hotch's ass, pulling him down and rocking up against Hotch, his arousal obvious. "I want you. I've wanted you for so long."
Hotch went still when Reid grabbed his ass, and the words didn't make him feel any better. Reid had wanted him...and Hotch wanted this, but he'd told Morgan he wasn't going to touch Reid. What had happened to his fine, noble ideas about not letting anything happen between him and Reid? What would Morgan think if he knew what Hotch was doing right now? Breathing raggedly, Hotch pulled back, opening his eyes to look down at Reid. His lips worked to form the words for a moment, and finally he whispered, "Wait, no...we can't."
It took a moment for Reid to follow. He'd thought they were past Hotch's fairly feeble protests. And Hotch wanted him, seemingly just as much as Reid wanted this. Reid's lips parted and he started at Hotch for a moment, then finally managed to shake himself, blinking rapidly up at Hotch as he made the transition. "What?" he breathed, not moving.
"Spencer, I..." I'm sleeping with Morgan. I don't want to give that up. Hotch shook his head and pulled away. "I'm sorry. This can't happen." He tried to regain his composure, even though his throat inexplicably felt tight. How could he walk away from Reid? But it had been wrong to let anything happen at all. He pressed his lips together, forcing himself to meet Reid's gaze.
Reid followed when Hotch pulled away, hoping he was hiding the hurt that was forcing its way onto his face. Hotch was ending this? Before it even started? When they both knew they wanted this? His closed his fingers in the front of Hotch's shirt, not wanting him to leave. "No. No, Hotch, it can. Give me one good reason why it can't, and don't say it's because of our jobs."
Hotch let out a shaky breath and shook his head again. "Reid, my divorce was barely finalized two months ago. I--I'm in no position to be starting a relationship when I haven't even unpacked the boxes in my apartment. I can't give you what you deserve." He covered Reid's hands, holding them for a moment before pulling them gently away from his shirt. "I'm sorry."
Reid wasn't sure when exactly he'd lost his breath, but he was struggling for it now, and trying to hide it. And suddenly he was angry on top of being hurt, one emotion coming up to battle the other. "Why do you keep thinking you get to tell me what I deserve, Hotch?! You haven't even asked me what I want?!"
Hotch frowned. "Because I know you, Reid. If I asked you what you want, what would you say? That you want casual sex? That you want to be someone I rebound with? That you want to sleep with me for a few months and then walk away with no feelings involved?" He shook his head. "We both know better. And I'd rather stop this now than hurt you worse later. I'm sorry." He straightened his shirt and ran a hand over his hair, trying to settle it back into place.
Reid blinked at him, his heart sinking each moment because Hotch's expression was slipping so quickly back into the face he always wore, one that was so different from the one Reid had been allowed to glimpse just moments before, so different from the part of Hotch that Reid wanted to unwrap and explore every day until it became familiar. He looked at the floor. "I'd say that I want you and that we don't have to figure the rest of that out right now... that if all I ever get is a taste, I still want it," he said finally, sounding defeated because, even if what he said was true, they both knew Hotch was right about what he really wanted.
"Trust me when I say it wouldn't be worth it," Hotch said. "And eventually it would affect our jobs. Neither one of us wants that." He shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said again. "It's because I respect you that I can't go on with this." He wanted to pull Reid into his arms and reassure him, but that would only make it worse in the long run. He took a final look at the defeated man in front of him--the man he had reduced to this--and then turned to go.
Reid was about to say it wouldn't affect their jobs, but then Hotch had finished with that, and turned around. Reid set his jaw, angry again. "Respect. Right," he said, trying to temper his voice. "Last time I checked, respect in any sexual relationship is desirable, not something you should run away from. But what do I know?" He paused, then added, "You know what? Just go."
Hotch clenched his jaw to keep from turning and arguing that they both knew Reid wanted more than a purely sexual relationship, or that it was his respect for Reid that kept him from wanting to hurt him. It was too late for that, and Hotch knew it. He paused by the door. "I'm sorry," he said again, over his shoulder, and left the room.
He stopped outside the door, glancing down the hall in both directions. He hadn't checked to see if anyone was outside before leaving, but was glad to see the hallway was empty -- of course, it was starting to get late. He drew a shaky breath, trying to compose himself and running a hand through his hair again. He should just go back to his room and go to bed. He should move on from this, like it never happened. But as soon as Reid's door had clicked shut, his chest had gone so painfully tight that he wasn't sure he could even sleep now if he tried.
His started heading down the hall in the wrong direction before he even realized what he was doing, and when he got to Morgan's door, he just stood there. Don't complicate this further. Don't tell Morgan what happened. You'll lose both of them in one night. he told himself, but then he looked back at his own room and felt nauseous. He lifted a hand and knocked.
It was late, but Morgan hadn't been able to sleep. He'd been sprawled on his bed flipping through the channels on his TV and zoning out, trying to get his mind to shut off. He'd finally given in and tried calling Hotch, but Hotch hadn't answered his room phone. Morgan had fixed himself a drink from the mini-bar, telling himself it didn't matter...but all the same, the knock on his door was a welcome interruption. It wasn't likely that it would be anyone but Hotch, after all.
He got up and checked, then opened the door, giving Hotch a warm smile. "Hey."
Hotch stared at Morgan for a moment, his chest rising and falling with difficulty, though Morgan was quite a sight, standing there in just his pajama bottoms. It made Hotch question the decision to knock even more, though it was too late to go back now. "Hello," he breathed. "Can I come in?" he heard himself ask. He couldn't stand in the hallway all night, but he didn't fool himself into believing that the smile wouldn't drop off Morgan's face when he really had a moment to look at Hotch, or that Morgan wouldn't demand to know what was wrong.
Morgan stood back, his smile fading. Hotch looked like hell. "What's wrong?" he asked, watching Hotch make his way inside. Okay, so the reason for this visit obviously wasn't what Morgan had originally thought. Still, it felt sort of good that Hotch would come to him like this. "What happened?"
Hotch didn't look at Morgan as he headed to the mini-bar. "Reid," he answered, making an attempt to steady his voice. "Reid is what happened. Do you want a drink?"
Morgan's eyebrows went up, and he pushed down an automatic surge of jealousy. "I've got one," he said, holding up his glass. "Aaron...Reid happened?" He sat on the bed, watching Hotch.
"That's exactly what I said," Hotch said sharply, and then drew a breath, bracing himself against the counter for a moment to try to calm down. He wasn't angry at Morgan. He shouldn't be angry at all. "Sorry," he murmured after a moment, and finished making his drink.
Morgan just kept staring at him, annoyed that Hotch had snapped at him. He had a feeling he understood, though. He tried to sort through what to say, dismissing I thought you said you weren't going to touch him, along with Why are you telling me this, and finally settling on, "Why are you angry?"
Hotch turned around and looked at Morgan for a moment, and then swallowed about half his drink. "I don't know," he admitted, and he still sounded agitated, but at least he was managing not to direct it at Morgan anymore.
"I told you he wanted you, man. He can't have taken you off-guard." Morgan tried to keep his voice even, to hide the edge of jealousy and...was it resentment? that he felt.
"It didn't." Hotch shook his head. "He's..." been trying to seduce me since before we left. Hotch eyed Morgan. He wasn't sure what to say about that or how Morgan would react. "You know I can't."
"You can't what?" Morgan said, watching him. Hotch was looking at him like he ought to have answers, and it sent a frisson of frustration through him. "You said you weren't going to touch him, but you sure don't look like you've been not touching someone."
"That's because I have been," Hotch said quickly, not looking away from Morgan's gaze. He had no recourse but honesty now, and it wouldn't do either of them any good if he continued being vague. Besides, he was slowly starting to realize that he'd come to Morgan because he just didn't know what else to do. He hadn't felt that way in a long time, and it was almost as unnerving as the knowledge that this was all -- all of it, his relationship with both Reid and Morgan -- going to go to hell tonight. "He kissed me before the case started, and he invited me to his room tonight." He paused, then quickly added, "I didn't sleep with him. Didn't even get close."
Hotch sounded defensive, Morgan thought. He pressed his lips together for a moment, thinking, then took a sip of his drink and decided to ask what he'd been wondering before. "Why are you telling me this?" He got the feeling that he was about to be dumped, even though this wasn't a relationship. This was just casual sex. The thought of losing it shouldn't hurt so much.
The question took Hotch by surprise, and he frowned a moment, wondering if somehow he'd managed to get the wrong impression about his relationship with Morgan. He'd thought this meant more to both of them than either of them was admitting, but Morgan's question, so casually asked, made Hotch wonder if he'd got it wrong. He drained the rest of his drink, feeling more lost than he had before. "I didn't know what else to do," he admitted quietly, and then shook his head and started towards Morgan's door again. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have bothered you."
Don't let him leave, Morgan told himself. He stood and got between Hotch and the door. "You're not bothering me," he said quietly. He licked his lips. "I'm...trying to figure out what you need from me," he admitted. "And what you want. Because you said you weren't going to touch Reid...but you have been. You want him. But you're talking to me." He shook his head and pushed Hotch gently back towards the bed. "Explain this to me, Aaron."
Hotch felt the tension drain out of him a little when Morgan touched him, his apprehension about their relationship fading when Morgan showed concern, but not enough to really relax him. "You know I can't have him, Derek. You know he deserves more... And I hope you know how I feel about you," Hotch tried to explain, hoping the last part wasn't going to cause Morgan to panic and change his mind about not wanting Hotch to leave.
Morgan sighed and tugged Hotch down to the bed. He didn't know, exactly, how Hotch felt about him, but it seemed like Hotch was treating this thing between them like a relationship, and despite the apprehension that caused in Morgan, he liked it, too. "Come here," he murmured, leaning in to kiss Hotch gently. Was it his imagination that Hotch tasted different? Probably. "What I know is that you are more than capable of giving Reid everything he wants. I don't know if this is the best timing, and I know I'm jealous as hell, but..." He sighed. "You deserve to be happy, Aaron."
"This makes me happy," Hotch countered, hooking a hand around Morgan's neck and kissing him back, hard, willing himself to forget the way Reid felt against him and the way Reid whimpered against his lips. "This is good," he breathed against Morgan's lips, sliding his hand up the back of Morgan's head.
Morgan groaned softly and wrapped an arm around Hotch's waist. This was good, and he didn't want to lose it. He hadn't slept with anyone else in months now, hadn't even looked. This wasn't a relationship...but it felt a lot like one. "This is good," he agreed. "But you aren't denying that you want Reid."
Hotch didn't answer right away. He considered not answering at all. He wanted to push Morgan down to the bed and fuck him until Morgan couldn't find the breath to even call out his name, until Hotch could forget about the way Reid touched him. Hotch leaned them back, starting to act on his instinct, letting his kiss get hungrier... but then he felt guilty. He shouldn't use Morgan to help him bury how he felt. He shouldn't fuck Morgan out of anger or confusion. He pulled back slightly, breathless. "I think we both know that would be a lie."
Morgan tightened his arms around Hotch to keep him from pulling away. He'd let out an involuntary moan at the way Hotch pushed him down, more than willing to let Hotch bury this under sex. He didn't want him to pull away. "Did you tell him you're fucking me?" he whispered, and leaned up to kiss Hotch hard, his body responding to Hotch's weight against him.
Hotch groaned and pressed Morgan into the bed more, yielding to Morgan's encouragement in spite of his reservations. "Of course not. That's not just my secret; it's ours." His fingers slid up Morgan's bare chest. This was the wrong thing to do right now, but it felt better than anything else.
Those words sent a funny thrill through Morgan's gut. He kissed Hotch again, wondering if Hotch would feel guilty later for leaving Reid and running straight to him. Then he wondered if Hotch felt guilty about Reid, and that was why he'd come to Morgan. "What did you tell him?" he murmured, hooking a leg around Hotch's.
They were still talking about Reid. The distraction of sex really didn't work if they continued to discuss the problem Hotch was trying to push away. He pulled back with a sigh and looked down at Morgan. "That I couldn't give him what he wanted. That I knew he wanted more than just sex. That he deserved better... The truth."
Morgan snorted. "And he bought that?" He shook his head and ran his fingers through Hotch's hair. "Aaron, you're a very smart man. You ought to know he doesn't give a damn about that. He's like me in that regard...He'll take however much of you he can get." Morgan chewed his lower lip thoughtfully for a moment. "I guess the question is if he's willing to share you."
Hotch's brows drew together. "I know he'll take what he can get, but that's not what I want for him," he said, sounding slightly defensive. He sighed and rolled off of Morgan and onto his back, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes. "I was going to ask why you keep trying to get me to sleep with Reid when I'm sleeping with you, but now I feel like I should ask why you're so willing to... as you say, share?"
Morgan shifted onto his side, following Hotch and resting a hand on his stomach. "This isn't really casual sex, is it?" he murmured, watching Hotch's face. His heart was pounding, both at what he was about to admit and the idea that had been forming in his mind. "We've fallen into a relationship when we weren't looking. But we both know you care about Reid. And I thought we both knew that I care about Reid. We're both trying to show it by leaving him alone--but he obviously doesn't want that. Not from you, anyway." He licked his lips, trying to gauge how Hotch was taking this, and completely unable to read his lover's expression. "If I were a stronger man I'd walk away so the two of you could be together. I don't think I can do that, though. Not unless you're going to get me transferred to the field office in Alaska, because it would kill me to watch the two of you together and know I couldn't have you." He closed his eyes. "But I don't want any of us to be miserable. If I know that he won't try to end what you and I have..."
Hotch just stared at Morgan for a moment. Was this why Morgan's jealousy over how Reid and Hotch interacted had seemed to turn amused over the last month? Was Morgan somehow expecting and preparing for the possibility that Reid might try to cross their pre-established boundaries once Hotch was officially divorced? Regardless of the reason, Morgan seemed serious in his suggestion, and Hotch's mind was suddenly too full to even comprehend it all. "I'm not transferring you. Who would I have to tackle people?" he asked, thinking back on what Reid had said just earlier that evening. He closed his eyes and pressed his hand against them again. "I've gone from married man to gay slut in a matter of months," he added, his lips curling slightly, expecting Morgan to laugh, which was why he'd said it out loud at all, instead of keeping the thought to himself as he normally would have.
Morgan laughed and leaned down to kiss Hotch's chest. "Must be my bad influence on you," he said, amused. He felt almost weak with relief that Hotch hadn't laughed at him and that he hadn't denied that they were in a relationship, despite what either of them had intended at the beginning of this. "Face it, you're ridiculously sexy. But I draw the line at sharing you with Dave, so if he decides he wants in on it, he and I are gonna have words."
Hotch laughed, letting his hand stroke down Morgan's back. "I'm pretty sure Dave doesn't swing that way." He rolled up to his side and cupped Morgan's jaw in his hand. "You're important to me," he breathed. "Don't tell me this is okay and then change your mind, because there isn't any going back." He still wasn't sure he liked the idea of taking back everything he'd said to Reid. He still believed most of it... except that if Morgan was any indication, he was already ready for more than just casual sex. He had to wonder how long he'd felt lonely in his marriage without realizing it.
Morgan shook his head, meeting his gaze. "Aaron..." He leaned in and kissed him, more tenderly than usual. "I've thought about this a lot over the past few weeks. Because there was never any question in my mind that Reid would eventually do a cost-benefit analysis and decide that the benefits of possibly having you outweighed the potential embarrassment if you said no." He smiled faintly, sliding his hand up Hotch's chest. "And you know how much I care about Reid." He shrugged and kissed Hotch again. "I think, if he didn't object to having me around...it could be a good arrangement for all of us."
That thought sent an unexpected shiver of desire through Hotch at the idea of Reid 'not objecting to having Morgan around'. Part of him wondered if he could ever have Morgan and Reid together. Literally. Hotch kissed Morgan again. Don't get ahead of this. He laid back and sighed. "He's angry with me, I'm sure," he murmured, then trailed off. "I really... don't know about this."
"Of course he's angry with you," Morgan said, stroking his hand across Hotch's chest. "I'd probably be angry in his place. But he'll get over it." He fell silent for a while, thinking about Reid while he traced lines and swirls across Hotch's torso. After a while his brows furrowed and he added, "We should be careful. If he found out about us..."
Hotch's eyebrows went up, and he glanced at Morgan, flattening his hand over Morgan's on his chest and sliding his fingers between Morgan's against his shirt. "I thought I was supposed to tell him," he said. "I'm not sleeping with both of you and not telling him."
Morgan snorted. "Yes, you're supposed to tell him. I don't think our genius boy figuring it out on his own would be ideal, though." He leaned in to kiss Hotch. "I've noticed he's very good at jumping to conclusions where his self esteem is concerned. And they're usually not happy conclusions."
"I know," Hotch said, thinking about what Reid had said about getting thrown into the wall three days ago and how hard he'd, apparently, been taking that. Hotch didn't miss how Morgan had called Reid 'our' genius boy, either, but he didn't say anything. "Though I suppose I can disabuse him of the notion that no one has been tackling you into walls lately, at least," he added, grinning and kissing Morgan.
Morgan hummed into the kiss and rolled on top of Hotch. "Tackling me into walls?" he murmured, kissing along Hotch's jaw.
Hotch groaned at the weight on him. "Have you forgotten the advantage of my bare apartment walls already?" he asked, tilting his head back to offer more naked skin to Morgan. "Nothing to knock off them when I fuck you."
Morgan laughed. "I'm just wondering why Reid's talking about me being tackled." Then he paused, rubbing his nose against Hotch's jaw. "Wait, this isn't about that jackass the other day, is it?"
"Does that surprise you?" Hotch whispered, wrapping his arms around Morgan. It was starting to dawn on him just how much he and Morgan talked about Reid when they were together. It was almost ridiculous.
"Not really," Morgan said, sighing. He nipped at Hotch's throat, deciding to distract them both. "You know, there's a wall over there with my name on it..."
Hotch smiled softly and slid his hand over Morgan's back, then sighed, almost hesitant to respond. "I'm tired," he whispered after a long pause, and he meant both physically and emotionally. It was something he'd never said before when sex had been suggested between them, but it felt okay (if new and a little frightening) to say that now that they knew there was more than sex between them.
The words made Morgan pause and suck in a slow breath. Then he nodded and kissed Hotch gently. "I guess I could fix you a drink and rub your feet," he murmured, his voice only half teasing.
Relieved, Hotch expelled a silent laugh. "I've already had two tonight. I shouldn't have any more." He left the second offer open. He couldn't help but think about the conversation he'd had with Morgan on the first night they'd slept together, how he'd refused to rub Morgan's feet because he 'wasn't ready for a long-term relationship'. He wondered if Morgan had thought of that when he offered just now.
"Mmm, yeah, if I'm gonna get you drunk, I want you to have enough energy to have your way with me," Morgan teased. He shifted away and just looked at Hotch for a few moments. "Roll over. I'll do your shoulders. They probably need it more than your feet."
Hotch watched Morgan for a minute, then closed his eyes and shook his head, silently wondering how this night had managed to end the way it had. After a moment, he licked his lips and rolled over, groaning at the familiar weight of Morgan's body settling against him when Morgan straddled his hips. "You're one of those people that just doesn't like feet, aren't you?" he asked, but then Morgan's fingers squeezed his shoulders and he hissed at how tight he was without even realizing.
Morgan chuckled. "I just know your body well enough by now to know where you carry all your tension," he murmured. He leaned down and brushed his lips across the back of Hotch's neck. "If I get done here and you still want your feet rubbed, I will." He hesitated, then decided against reminding Hotch that the last time they'd talked about rubbing feet, it was in the context of a long-term commitment. Morgan still wasn't sure if that was what he was offering Hotch--and Reid, apparently--but it seemed easier not to talk about it.
The next half hour was spent trying not to think any more about bizarre relationship entanglements, work, or anything remotely approaching a serious conversation. Eventually Hotch's voice began slurring almost into sleep, and Morgan, content to work in silence, finished working the worst of the knots from his shoulders and back.
When Morgan started having trouble keeping his eyes open, even with the pleasing incentive of watching Hotch sleep, he had to make the decision to shake Hotch awake. They shouldn't spend the entire night in the same bed while they were in a hotel with the rest of the team. He leaned down and kissed Hotch's cheek, then shook him gently.
Hotch sucked in a breath and blinked hard, his mind pleasantly hazy and his body looser than it had felt in a long time. It took him a moment to realize he was still in Morgan's bed, and the resulting worry that they might have both fallen asleep and spent the entire night together woke him up the rest of the way. "Mmm, sorry. How long have I been asleep?" he asked, trying to sit up right away, but still feeling groggy.
"Not too long," Morgan replied, smiling. "It's not quite midnight." He liked the way Hotch looked when he was waking up. "But I thought you shouldn't stay all night, since someone could notice."
Hotch stopped fighting his sluggish body as soon as he knew they were safe, but he still pushed himself to a seated position, slower than he'd been moving before. "Thanks," he murmured. "Yeah, I should..." He rubbed his eyes. "You should give back rubs more often," he amended with a yawn.
Morgan's smile widened. "Well, I didn't know until tonight that that was allowed," he said, running his fingers through Hotch's hair to straighten it a little. "Damn, you're even gorgeous when you're sleepy."
Hotch snorted, but didn't respond, then turned to look at Morgan, liking the smile on his face. He leaned back down to kiss Morgan. "It's allowed. Next time somewhere we can linger," Hotch said. "I should go." He kissed Morgan again, drawing the kiss out tenderly, and then forced himself to get off the bed and start toward the door.
Morgan followed him and leaned on the wall by the door. "Sweet dreams," he said lightly.
Hotch smiled and ran his hand through his hair. "Yeah," he said, and stole another kiss before stepping out of the door. When he reached back to pull it shut, his hand slipped on something on the handle, and he glanced back at it before the door was fully closed.
His lips parted in surprise, and for a moment, he just stared, not letting the door close. All the good feelings that the end of this evening had created in him were washing out of him. "Ah... Morgan?" He glanced up at Morgan, who was staring at him curiously.
Hotch closed his fingers on the fabric draping Morgan's door handle. "We have a problem," he said, and held the tie he'd left in Reid's room up for Morgan to see.
Having It All, Part One
Authors:
innerslytherin and severity_softlyPairing: Hotch/Reid, Hotch/Morgan
Rating: PG-13 (series is NC-17 overall)
WC: ~9,800
Summary: When Reid finds out Hotch's divorce is final, he makes his move. Unfortunately for Reid, he doesn't know what's going on between Morgan and Hotch.
Notes: Self-betaed. Set generically during season three. RP format. This is the third installment of a four-part series (eventual Hotch/Morgan/Reid--all four parts to be posted this week). The first two installments, Helping Morgan and Watching Hotch, should be read for context.
It had only been one week since Hotch had told Reid the divorce with Haley was final. It wasn't unexpected, but the surge of hope it had sent through Reid's entire body was. It had nearly floored Reid at the time, the strength of it, and he was certain Hotch hadn't understood the blank expression Reid had fixed on him after he'd spoken the words. But Reid couldn't have stopped the stunned expression if he'd tried; he could barely see through the thought that clouded his mind in that moment: Hotch is single.
He knew he shouldn't think things like that about Hotch. He knew he should just go on about work, like Morgan did, and watch Hotch from afar like always, but even before Hotch had privately confided in him while driving to the jet after a case, Reid hadn't failed to notice the way Hotch was paying more attention to him than usual. Hotch was outright flirting with him when they were in private. Reid didn't know much about being hit on, but it happened to him so rarely that it stood out when it did. And it was certainly happening with Hotch, whether Hotch knew it or not.
As the week went on, Reid started to wonder if that murmured conversation in the car had been about letting Reid know that their mutual, and previously ignored, attraction was okay now. Or if it was just talk, the way Hotch always talked to him. Either way, the flirting was starting to get under Reid's skin and into his blood, and he wasn't sure he could keep the desire for Hotch -- which was growing stronger by the minute -- from welling up and spilling over the surface. He wasn't sure he could go on without touching Hotch, and if Hotch turned him down, maybe he would at least see what he was doing to Reid and stop torturing him.
Reid was fairly certain that Hotch wouldn't fire him if Reid pushed the issue. In fact, it was the only thing Reid was sure of. Hotch protected him and let him get away with things. Hotch hadn't turned him in when Reid was teetering on the brink of throwing everything away to the peaceful oblivion of drugs. If Hotch truly didn't want Reid, in spite of what his actions seemed to hint at, he would respectfully decline Reid's advances, and then never mention it again, so long as Reid never tried it again.
Reid stayed later than he needed to on the second Friday following Hotch's admission, mildly annoyed that Morgan was sticking around too. There was no reason for it that Reid could see, and Morgan kept insisting Reid was going to miss his train, even though they ran all night. Reid kept insisting he had to catch up on paperwork that had been piling up, until Morgan finally heaved a sigh and left, looking more put out than he ought to.
Reid kept his eyes down until the bullpen door swung shut, and then looked up, watching Morgan through the glass as he walked away. Reid darted a furtive glance around the bullpen, making certain he was alone, and then pushed from his desk to walk to Hotch's office. He hesitated, and then knocked and poked his head in. "Hey. Do you have a minute?" he asked, swallowing the dread he suddenly felt, because he really didn't know what he even had to talk about.
Hotch looked up from his paperwork, giving Reid a welcoming smile that felt too warm. He'd been trying not to respond to the way Reid watched him. He'd meant what he said to Morgan, that he wasn't going to touch Reid. There was the age difference to consider, for one thing. And the fact remained that sleeping with Morgan was already complicating things enough without Hotch trying to work something out with Reid. Not to mention Hotch wasn't really ready to give up what he and Morgan had, especially since it seemed like a mistake to jump from a fifteen-year marriage to making a commitment to someone else.
Still, the way Reid watched him was gratifying, and he'd found himself responding to it instinctively, even when he didn't mean to. And the way Reid had reacted to the news of his finalized divorce--the stunned expression that almost seemed to have an edge of hope to it--had sent a thrill of happiness through Hotch.
He'd seen Morgan watching them still, though Morgan seemed more amused by it than anything, now that he'd realized Hotch still wanted him. The last two times Hotch had been through the bullpen this evening he'd noticed Morgan and Reid both working late, trading comments back and forth. He'd wondered if Morgan expected Hotch's resolve to break. But Morgan had obviously wanted Reid for years and had managed not to turn his charm on Reid. If Morgan could exert that sort of willpower to protect Reid, Hotch could do the same.
"Sure," he said to Reid, gesturing at the chair across from his desk. "What's up?"
Reid smiled, liking the way Hotch was looking at him. Not that it was a new smile, not in the past months, anyway, but Reid hadn't gotten over the thrill of Hotch looking at him like that after what had felt like an eternity of Hotch being completely oblivious. "Um," he started, then mentally rolled his eyes at himself. Genius, remember? He stepped inside the office and shut the door behind him, crossing to the desk to have a seat. "I was just thinking about the last case," he said finally, though, truthfully, the case was the last thing on Reid's mind right now. "The unsub's ex-wife is corroborating his alibi now, apparently," he said conversationally, as if he didn't know if Hotch already knew that. Truthfully, Reid was expecting Hotch to get called back in to consult on the case, and he couldn't help wondering if Hotch was going to take him along.
Hotch nodded. "Yeah, I got a call back from Detective Hanover. I'll probably be heading out there to help her go back through the evidence and provide testimony at the trial." It had been a strange feeling when he first started serving as an expert witness, after years of being a prosecutor. He sat back in his chair, studying Reid's expression. "You didn't really come in here and shut the door to talk about Joseph Liedecker, did you?"
Well, Reid did think it was incredibly sexy when Hotch started talking all lawyer-y, but he felt suddenly caught. Hotch couldn't possibly know what you're thinking, not really. You've been professional since you walked in the door. "I'm sorry, should I have left it open?" he asked, glancing at the door and then giving Hotch his best innocent expression. "I can come back tomorrow if I'm interrupting."
Hotch suddenly felt like he'd kicked Reid or something. Maybe he had come in to talk about Liedecker. "You're not interrupting anything, Reid," he said, dismissing it. "You assisted on that case. Would you like to come out for the trial, too?" He smiled. "We could start grooming you to serve as an expert witness." Of course, Reid still looked a little too young to be an expert anything, despite being their expert on everything.
Reid smiled, and then laughed softly and shook his head. "I could never do what you do," he murmured, then glanced back up. "Yeah, I'd like to come. You don't really think he has a leg to stand on, do you?" Reid wasn't sure why he was stalling, but it didn't feel right to make a move on Hotch in Hotch's office. Listen to myself. Make a move?! He swallowed hard.
"We both know she's lying," Hotch said. "And of course you could do this. Reid, you know this job inside and out. It's just courtroom presence you'd have to work on." And learning to translate technical information into language the jury could understand, he amended. And that would be no mean feat, but Hotch hated to see Reid doubting his own abilities.
Reid smiled a self-deprecating smile and shrugged. "I couldn't do it like you do it, and if you're going to do it at all..." You might as well aim to be the best... like you. Reid trailed off as close to a blatant compliment as he dared to get, then his smile strengthened. "Do you have anywhere to be after you leave?"
Hotch took a slow breath. Was this what he thought it was? Was Reid...asking him out? "I very rarely have anywhere to be after leaving work these days," he said wryly. It was mostly true, though he knew he could go to Morgan's, if he was in the mood for that. And he was in the mood for that more often these days than he had been. Still, that wasn't a relationship. They'd been very clear about that. At the first hint of a relationship, he suspected Morgan would be out the door...though he'd been wondering about that lately, too.
Reid watched Hotch for a moment. He'd known the answer to that when he'd asked it. Of the entire team, Reid was usually the one going home to an empty apartment every evening. Hotch had always seemed equally lonely, even when he did have someone to go home to, and now that he didn't... Reid swallowed again and shifted. "Do you want to go get a coffee?"
The question, as innocent as it was, sent a pulse of excitement through Hotch. "All right." He glanced down at the papers in front of him, trying to collect his thoughts. What was he doing? This was crazy. "This will keep until tomorrow, if you're ready to go."
It was ridiculous how happy it made Reid that Hotch agreed, even when he hadn't expected Hotch to turn him down. Reid grinned, though he didn't miss that Hotch suddenly looked a little at a loss. "I just have to get my bag," he said, then pushed out of the chair and headed for the door. "Meet you at the elevator," he said, and slipped out of the room, giving Hotch a moment to breathe.
Hotch gathered his papers into a stack and shoved them into the folder they'd come from, then stood. He looked at his desk for a minute, then let his gaze wander around his office. Reid had asked him out. Just for coffee, but Hotch wasn't stupid; they'd never done anything like this before, not just the two of them. He cleared his throat, patted his pants pockets to make sure he had his car keys and wallet, and left his office, making his way to the elevator.
Reid adjusted his bag over his shoulder and glanced up at Hotch, smiling at him and trying to fight the nerves that were welling up inside him. This was insane. Absolutely insane. Reid drew a deep breath as the elevator doors dinged open. Once they were both inside and the doors slid shut, the silence between them was deafening. As innocent as the invite had been, they both knew what this was.
Reid rocked on the balls of his feet, watching the elevator numbers go down. "Have you ever seen Annie Hall?"
Hotch frowned slightly; it wasn't unusual to not follow conversations with Reid, but Woody Allen movies weren't the usual topic, either. "Sure, years ago. Why?"
"Do you remember when Alvy and Annie..." Reid trailed off, and drew a deep breath. He'd been thinking about the conversation Alvy and Annie had had on their first date, how the kiss that was expected at the end of the date got built up, and that they ought to just get it out of the way first. Of course, Reid realized, after he'd already started, that this conversation was going to be awkward and weird even for him. "Nevermind."
Hotch raised his eyebrows, watching Reid. He was obviously getting nervous, and that was making Hotch question this all over again. You're too old for him, he told himself. He's just romanticizing a positive male role model. You told Morgan you weren't going to touch Reid. "No, what?" he prompted wanting a distraction from his thoughts.
Reid shook his head. "Nothing," he said, and set his jaw for a moment. You face down serial killers. This should be easy. He turned and looked at Hotch after a moment, his eyes tracing Hotch's face. If he didn't do this soon, the elevators were going to open again to let them out on the ground floor. "Hotch." He licked his lips. "If this comes as a complete surprise to you, I apologize in advance," he said, and as he spoke, he reached up and curled his fingers around Hotch's tie.
Hotch's eyebrows shot up further, but despite his surprise he automatically lifted a hand to rest at Reid's waist. Reid wasn't just asking him out, he was going to kiss him. In the elevator. He realized suddenly what conversation from the movie Reid had been referencing, and he licked his lips. "Reid..." he murmured.
That was certainly not a protest. It was more an acknowledgment that Hotch understood what Reid was about to do. Reid sucked in a breath at the tone of voice, his eyelids lowering as he leaned in, pressing Hotch to the elevator wall. His bag swung forward and hit the side of the elevator near Hotch's hip, and he lifted his other hand to wrap around Hotch's neck. "Hotch," he breathed, and pressed his lips to Hotch's.
A spark of desire ran through Hotch at that contact. His arm slid around Reid's waist, pulling him closer with a quiet noise. His heart was pounding suddenly at the way things suddenly felt like they were slipping out of his control. First Morgan, then Reid, and he wanted this so much, despite knowing how dangerous it all was. He met Reid's kiss eagerly but tried to let Reid control this, not wanting to push too far.
Reid moaned softly, the slide of Hotch's lips and tongue against his even better than he had imagined. He pressed himself tighter against Hotch, and deepened the kiss, his fingertips sliding up into the back of Hotch's hair. When he finally pulled away, he was breathless, but grinning. "Well, that was a relief," he breathed, and darted a glance to see what floor the elevator was on.
Hotch smiled, liking that expression on Reid's face. "Which one of us is Annie?" he asked, lifting a hand to stroke his thumb along Reid's cheekbone. Oh, God, he still didn't think he was ready for a long-term relationship, but he didn't know how to explain that to Reid without making it sound like a rejection. And the last thing in the world he wanted to do was reject Reid.
Reid laughed, and was reluctant to pull away, but they were really starting to push their luck as it was. He leaned away, leaning back against the elevator wall next to Hotch, feeling giddy. "You are, obviously."
Hotch's eyebrows went up and he glanced over at Reid. "Care to explain your logic behind that?" he asked, a teasing note creeping into his voice. Spending time with Morgan was doing wonders for his confidence, he realized. Not that confidence had ever been a problem, until the divorce.
"I asked you out. I brought it up. I kissed you," Reid said, turning his head to smile at Hotch.
"So that makes me the girl?" Hotch asked, but he was smiling back at Reid. It was an impressive display of confidence on Reid's part, that he'd asked Hotch out. It was a good feeling. "Did you take the train to work? We could go somewhere around your apartment and I could give you a ride home."
"That sounds good to me," Reid said, holding Hotch's gaze for a long moment, wondering if he could get Hotch to actually come inside when Hotch dropped him off. "I think Alvy was right," he said. He felt much more relaxed about this now that they'd gotten the kiss out of the way.
*****
Hotch pushed his shoes off and stretched his legs out, relaxing back into his hotel chair. After a moment he loosened his tie a little and leaned his head back to close his eyes. He'd left his suit jacket hanging up by the door and raided the mini-bar, even though he generally didn't do a lot of drinking on the road.
The case had been a bad one, but they were finally wrapping it up with a serial rapist behind bars. They were staying a few extra days to help the local police tie everything together into a solid case for court, though Hotch had a feeling Morgan and Rossi would be coming back at least once more to testify.
He lifted a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose and wondered if he dared find Morgan tonight.
Reid had settled into bed for the night, nursing an aching shoulder and a bruised ego. He'd been shoved into a wall by one of their initial suspects three days ago, and hadn't quite recovered. While the shoulder did fine with Tylenol, the ego was a little harder to fix, even if no one had said anything to him about the incident, aside from making sure he was okay when it had happened.
He flipped through the channels on the television for a while, and then sighed and turned it off, just sitting there in the silent room, thinking. He and Hotch had kissed and had coffee just a week ago, and that had gone well, if maybe a little awkwardly. Reid had been disappointed when Hotch only dropped him off afterward, instead of coming inside, but he tried not to be too disappointed. He had expected Hotch to be the sort to take things slowly anyway.
Neither of them had mentioned it since that night, and Reid had been good about not pushing at all while the case was going on, but now that it was over... well, Reid was trying to decide just how foolish it would be to go knock on Hotch's door tonight.
Probably very foolish, he decided, but after a moment, he picked his room phone up and dialed Hotch's room number.
Hotch must have dozed off, because he jolted upright, his heart pounding, when the phone rang on the desk a few feet from his head. After a moment he got up and answered. "Yeah."
Hotch sounded half-asleep, and Reid cringed. "Um, I didn't mean to wake you up. Sorry."
"I wasn't asleep." Hotch cleared his throat. "Or I shouldn't have been, I was sitting in my chair. So you did me a favor." He smiled. "Everything okay?" He and Reid hadn't spent a lot of time together since the evening Reid kissed him. They'd had coffee, which was awkward, but nice...but Hotch hadn't been sure quite how to approach things after that, and then the case had interfered before he'd had a chance to figure it out.
Reid laughed softly. "Everything's fine," he said, nodding and liking the way Hotch sounded when he was just waking up. He wondered what it would be like to hear that tone of voice in the mornings, with Hotch waking up in his arms. "I could use some company, though." God, that sounded cheesy. Reid frowned, wondering if he was ever going to get better at this stuff, and hoping if he didn't that Hotch would just start to think it was endearing.
Hotch's smile widened. "I'm in 404," he said, and then wondered if he should have invited himself to Reid's room instead. He could see Morgan deciding tonight was a good night for company and showing up at Hotch's door, too. That would be...awkward.
"Mm, I know. I just dialed it." Reid grinned. "Okay. I have to get dressed, though," he murmured, and hung up the phone without waiting for a reply.
Hotch thought about that for about twenty seconds--Reid had to get dressed?--then dialed Reid's number. "Hey," he said when Reid picked up. "I can come over there."
Reid looked down at himself. "You don't find flannel a horrible turn-off, do you?"
Hotch laughed. "Flannel is comfortable," he said. "I do occasionally take the suit off, Reid."
Reid almost--almost-- said 'I certainly hope so', but managed not to. "Okay, come over," he said, and hung up, throwing the blankets off of himself to at least pull the top of the flannel pajamas off and switch it with a plain white undershirt while he waited for Hotch to come down the hallway.
Feeling like he was sneaking around after curfew, Hotch made his way down the hall to Reid's room and knocked softly. He shoved his hands in his pants pockets while he waited, hoping no one would come out and find him here, even though he knew it would look completely innocent. Fortunately Reid didn't keep him waiting long before the door opened. Hotch took in the sight of him in a t-shirt and flannel pajama bottoms and smiled tentatively.
Reid returned the smile, though there was something hesitant in Hotch's. Reid glanced down at himself again, then back up. "Hi," he murmured, and then stepped aside to let Hotch come in.
"Hi," Hotch said, stepping inside and looking around. It was amusing to see Reid's clothes draped over two different chairs and piled on the floor. A genius, but he doesn't pick up after himself, he thought. He told himself it was stupid to need something to remind him Reid was as human as the rest of them. But it made him relax. "Couldn't sleep, or just bored?" he asked, uncertain whether to move the clothes off one of the chairs or just sit on the bed.
"Both," Reid said. "Bad case, nothing on TV, and it got too quiet in here alone." He shut and locked the door and followed Hotch inside, watching Hotch look around the room and feeling suddenly a little self-conscious. "Sorry. It's... a mess. I just..." He shrugged. "Once I stopped having to clean all the time, I just... stopped." Not that he let things he dirty, but he let a fair amount of clutter build just about everywhere he took up residence, whether permanent or otherwise.
Hotch shook his head, still smiling. "Trust me, I understand." He knew he ought to be settling in at his new apartment, but he was still living out of boxes and washing the same set of dishes over and over. The divorce had been finalized nearly two months ago, and he'd moved out of the house some time before that, but he couldn't help viewing the apartment as something temporary.
He looked over at Reid. "How's the shoulder?" he asked.
"It could be better," Reid admitted, then shrugged and decided to admit to more. "I don't care about my shoulder." He tilted his head at Hotch, still watching him.
Hotch frowned and moved closer to Reid, wondering if he'd been hurt besides his shoulder. "What do you mean?"
Reid raised his eyebrows, not really wanting to explain it, but he supposed he did invite the question. He'd grown so used to working with people who knew how you felt sometimes better than you did that it was easy to forget that they weren't mind readers. "I shouldn't have-- I should have been faster," he said, giving Hotch a wry smile and stepping towards him, feeling almost like Hotch's step in Reid's direction held some sort of gravitational pull.
Hotch's eyebrows went up, too. "Reid..." He shook his head and couldn't resist the urge to lift a hand to cup Reid's cheek for a moment. "Not even Morgan could have been fast enough to avoid that. You haven't been beating yourself up about that for three days, have you?" Of course, Hotch knew he had. It was just like Reid to have higher standards for himself than anyone else did.
Reid closed his eyes at the contact. "No," he lied, knowing Hotch knew better. "No one's tackling Morgan into walls. Usually that works the other way around," Reid said, and breathed a laugh, opening his eyes and pressing his hand to Hotch's.
Hotch laughed, too, though that comment was funny to him for a slightly different reason than Reid might think. "Reid..." He shook his head and smiled, stepping closer and pulling the younger man gently into his arms, being careful of his shoulder. "Trust me, there was nothing you could have done better."
"Mmm," Reid hummed, not sounding convinced. "Don't call me 'Reid' when you're doing this," he murmured, hoping they could drop the subject, and running his nose along Hotch's jaw.
"Spencer," Hotch whispered, his eyes falling almost closed. God, this felt so good, having Reid in his arms like this. Why had things felt so awkward when they'd had coffee together?
Reid wrapped his arms around Hotch's shoulders and lifted his head to kiss Hotch. "Much better," he breathed. He let his fingers sift through Hotch's hair, and took a step towards the bed, trying to gauge whether Hotch would follow. God, he hoped Hotch would follow.
Hotch moved with Reid towards the bed, then hesitated. "Spencer," he murmured again, hesitating. He wasn't sure he was ready for a relationship, but he knew that he didn't want something purely physical with Reid, and he doubted this was the best way to continue.
"Hotch," Reid returned, slipping one hand down to slide his fingers through the buttons of Hotch's shirt. He wasn't surprised, though he was disappointed, to find an undershirt covering Hotch's skin underneath his button-up shirt. "What?" he asked, giving Hotch's shirt a tiny tug.
Hotch didn't know what to say, but after a moment his lips curled in a smile. "I can't call you Spencer if you're going to keep calling me Hotch," he said. He moved closer to Reid again, lifting one hand to curl around Reid's.
Reid glanced down at Hotch's hand, wondering if Hotch was trying to stop him from either unbuttoning Hotch's shirt or pulling him to the bed. "If I start calling you Aaron, I might slip at work. It wouldn't look as weird for you to call me Spencer, though." He glanced up at Hotch and bit his lip. "Come to bed with me," he requested, his voice barely above a whisper.
Those words sent a thrill through Hotch, and he dipped his head to kiss Reid again, more hungrily this time. "Spencer," he said huskily. He had the sudden urge to blurt out that Morgan had been the one who told Hotch about Reid. It was a ridiculous thought; he didn't owe Morgan anything. He pushed it away, but it shook him a little. "You won't slip. I want you to call me Aaron."
Reid moaned into the kiss, and pulled at Hotch's shirt again, pleased when Hotch moved more readily this time. "I might. I shouldn't risk it," he breathed, sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling Hotch down to kiss him again.
Hotch let Reid pull him down, but he paused mere inches from kissing Reid. "Say my name," he said quietly, holding Reid's gaze.
Reid looked up at him and licked his lips. "Aaron," he whispered.
Hotch smiled broadly, warmed by that single word. He leaned in and kissed Reid again, his mouth hungry, leaning in so his chest pressed against Reid's.
Oh, well if that was the reaction Reid got just using a first name, Reid was going to use it. "Aaron," he murmured when they broke apart, and leaned back, using Hotch's forward momentum to pull Hotch down on top of him. Reid slid a leg around Hotch's and kissed him again, feeling his body already responding to the press of Hotch's. "Aaron," he breathed, messing up Hotch's normally impeccable hair as he drew a hand through it. "Wanted this."
Hotch sucked in a surprised breath when Reid pulled him down, though he should have been expecting it. "Oh, Spencer," he murmured, his fingers tracing Reid's cheek and jaw. "You're so beautiful. You deserve better." He didn't pull away, though, feeling as if he were trapped inside Reid's gravity.
Reid couldn't stop the laugh that bubbled up at that, and he grinned at Hotch for a moment, then kissed him again. "You can't be serious," he whispered, trailing his lips over Hotch's cheek and starting to work open Hotch's already loose tie.
Hotch's eyes fluttered closed at the feel of Reid's lips against his skin. "I'm divorced and old and have no sense of humor," he murmured. He turned his head to capture Reid's mouth with his own. "You deserve better," he whispered when the kiss broke. And I'm already sleeping with someone else, he added mentally. God, what was he doing?
"You sell yourself short," Reid said, because Hotch was far from old, and just because Hotch's sense of humor was dry didn't mean he didn't have one at all. Reid had come to be rather fond of his dry wit. "And I think I get to decide what I deserve," he added, pulling Hotch's tie out and tossing it on the bed next to them, then kissing Hotch again with a little moan.
Hotch shivered and slid a hand into Reid's hair, trying to push the thought of Morgan out of his head. They were sleeping together, yes, but Morgan was the one who kept pushing the idea of Reid on Hotch. There were no commitments between them, so this was fine. He pulled back enough to turn the kiss teasing, just little tastes of Reid's mouth. He was so gorgeous, and he wanted Hotch. It was irresistible.
Reid whimpered, following Hotch's movements. "Hotch," he moaned, then corrected, "Aaron." He wanted to pull open Hotch's shirt, but he slid his hands down, wanting even more for Hotch to feel how much he was desired. Reid squeezed Hotch's ass, pulling him down and rocking up against Hotch, his arousal obvious. "I want you. I've wanted you for so long."
Hotch went still when Reid grabbed his ass, and the words didn't make him feel any better. Reid had wanted him...and Hotch wanted this, but he'd told Morgan he wasn't going to touch Reid. What had happened to his fine, noble ideas about not letting anything happen between him and Reid? What would Morgan think if he knew what Hotch was doing right now? Breathing raggedly, Hotch pulled back, opening his eyes to look down at Reid. His lips worked to form the words for a moment, and finally he whispered, "Wait, no...we can't."
It took a moment for Reid to follow. He'd thought they were past Hotch's fairly feeble protests. And Hotch wanted him, seemingly just as much as Reid wanted this. Reid's lips parted and he started at Hotch for a moment, then finally managed to shake himself, blinking rapidly up at Hotch as he made the transition. "What?" he breathed, not moving.
"Spencer, I..." I'm sleeping with Morgan. I don't want to give that up. Hotch shook his head and pulled away. "I'm sorry. This can't happen." He tried to regain his composure, even though his throat inexplicably felt tight. How could he walk away from Reid? But it had been wrong to let anything happen at all. He pressed his lips together, forcing himself to meet Reid's gaze.
Reid followed when Hotch pulled away, hoping he was hiding the hurt that was forcing its way onto his face. Hotch was ending this? Before it even started? When they both knew they wanted this? His closed his fingers in the front of Hotch's shirt, not wanting him to leave. "No. No, Hotch, it can. Give me one good reason why it can't, and don't say it's because of our jobs."
Hotch let out a shaky breath and shook his head again. "Reid, my divorce was barely finalized two months ago. I--I'm in no position to be starting a relationship when I haven't even unpacked the boxes in my apartment. I can't give you what you deserve." He covered Reid's hands, holding them for a moment before pulling them gently away from his shirt. "I'm sorry."
Reid wasn't sure when exactly he'd lost his breath, but he was struggling for it now, and trying to hide it. And suddenly he was angry on top of being hurt, one emotion coming up to battle the other. "Why do you keep thinking you get to tell me what I deserve, Hotch?! You haven't even asked me what I want?!"
Hotch frowned. "Because I know you, Reid. If I asked you what you want, what would you say? That you want casual sex? That you want to be someone I rebound with? That you want to sleep with me for a few months and then walk away with no feelings involved?" He shook his head. "We both know better. And I'd rather stop this now than hurt you worse later. I'm sorry." He straightened his shirt and ran a hand over his hair, trying to settle it back into place.
Reid blinked at him, his heart sinking each moment because Hotch's expression was slipping so quickly back into the face he always wore, one that was so different from the one Reid had been allowed to glimpse just moments before, so different from the part of Hotch that Reid wanted to unwrap and explore every day until it became familiar. He looked at the floor. "I'd say that I want you and that we don't have to figure the rest of that out right now... that if all I ever get is a taste, I still want it," he said finally, sounding defeated because, even if what he said was true, they both knew Hotch was right about what he really wanted.
"Trust me when I say it wouldn't be worth it," Hotch said. "And eventually it would affect our jobs. Neither one of us wants that." He shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said again. "It's because I respect you that I can't go on with this." He wanted to pull Reid into his arms and reassure him, but that would only make it worse in the long run. He took a final look at the defeated man in front of him--the man he had reduced to this--and then turned to go.
Reid was about to say it wouldn't affect their jobs, but then Hotch had finished with that, and turned around. Reid set his jaw, angry again. "Respect. Right," he said, trying to temper his voice. "Last time I checked, respect in any sexual relationship is desirable, not something you should run away from. But what do I know?" He paused, then added, "You know what? Just go."
Hotch clenched his jaw to keep from turning and arguing that they both knew Reid wanted more than a purely sexual relationship, or that it was his respect for Reid that kept him from wanting to hurt him. It was too late for that, and Hotch knew it. He paused by the door. "I'm sorry," he said again, over his shoulder, and left the room.
He stopped outside the door, glancing down the hall in both directions. He hadn't checked to see if anyone was outside before leaving, but was glad to see the hallway was empty -- of course, it was starting to get late. He drew a shaky breath, trying to compose himself and running a hand through his hair again. He should just go back to his room and go to bed. He should move on from this, like it never happened. But as soon as Reid's door had clicked shut, his chest had gone so painfully tight that he wasn't sure he could even sleep now if he tried.
His started heading down the hall in the wrong direction before he even realized what he was doing, and when he got to Morgan's door, he just stood there. Don't complicate this further. Don't tell Morgan what happened. You'll lose both of them in one night. he told himself, but then he looked back at his own room and felt nauseous. He lifted a hand and knocked.
It was late, but Morgan hadn't been able to sleep. He'd been sprawled on his bed flipping through the channels on his TV and zoning out, trying to get his mind to shut off. He'd finally given in and tried calling Hotch, but Hotch hadn't answered his room phone. Morgan had fixed himself a drink from the mini-bar, telling himself it didn't matter...but all the same, the knock on his door was a welcome interruption. It wasn't likely that it would be anyone but Hotch, after all.
He got up and checked, then opened the door, giving Hotch a warm smile. "Hey."
Hotch stared at Morgan for a moment, his chest rising and falling with difficulty, though Morgan was quite a sight, standing there in just his pajama bottoms. It made Hotch question the decision to knock even more, though it was too late to go back now. "Hello," he breathed. "Can I come in?" he heard himself ask. He couldn't stand in the hallway all night, but he didn't fool himself into believing that the smile wouldn't drop off Morgan's face when he really had a moment to look at Hotch, or that Morgan wouldn't demand to know what was wrong.
Morgan stood back, his smile fading. Hotch looked like hell. "What's wrong?" he asked, watching Hotch make his way inside. Okay, so the reason for this visit obviously wasn't what Morgan had originally thought. Still, it felt sort of good that Hotch would come to him like this. "What happened?"
Hotch didn't look at Morgan as he headed to the mini-bar. "Reid," he answered, making an attempt to steady his voice. "Reid is what happened. Do you want a drink?"
Morgan's eyebrows went up, and he pushed down an automatic surge of jealousy. "I've got one," he said, holding up his glass. "Aaron...Reid happened?" He sat on the bed, watching Hotch.
"That's exactly what I said," Hotch said sharply, and then drew a breath, bracing himself against the counter for a moment to try to calm down. He wasn't angry at Morgan. He shouldn't be angry at all. "Sorry," he murmured after a moment, and finished making his drink.
Morgan just kept staring at him, annoyed that Hotch had snapped at him. He had a feeling he understood, though. He tried to sort through what to say, dismissing I thought you said you weren't going to touch him, along with Why are you telling me this, and finally settling on, "Why are you angry?"
Hotch turned around and looked at Morgan for a moment, and then swallowed about half his drink. "I don't know," he admitted, and he still sounded agitated, but at least he was managing not to direct it at Morgan anymore.
"I told you he wanted you, man. He can't have taken you off-guard." Morgan tried to keep his voice even, to hide the edge of jealousy and...was it resentment? that he felt.
"It didn't." Hotch shook his head. "He's..." been trying to seduce me since before we left. Hotch eyed Morgan. He wasn't sure what to say about that or how Morgan would react. "You know I can't."
"You can't what?" Morgan said, watching him. Hotch was looking at him like he ought to have answers, and it sent a frisson of frustration through him. "You said you weren't going to touch him, but you sure don't look like you've been not touching someone."
"That's because I have been," Hotch said quickly, not looking away from Morgan's gaze. He had no recourse but honesty now, and it wouldn't do either of them any good if he continued being vague. Besides, he was slowly starting to realize that he'd come to Morgan because he just didn't know what else to do. He hadn't felt that way in a long time, and it was almost as unnerving as the knowledge that this was all -- all of it, his relationship with both Reid and Morgan -- going to go to hell tonight. "He kissed me before the case started, and he invited me to his room tonight." He paused, then quickly added, "I didn't sleep with him. Didn't even get close."
Hotch sounded defensive, Morgan thought. He pressed his lips together for a moment, thinking, then took a sip of his drink and decided to ask what he'd been wondering before. "Why are you telling me this?" He got the feeling that he was about to be dumped, even though this wasn't a relationship. This was just casual sex. The thought of losing it shouldn't hurt so much.
The question took Hotch by surprise, and he frowned a moment, wondering if somehow he'd managed to get the wrong impression about his relationship with Morgan. He'd thought this meant more to both of them than either of them was admitting, but Morgan's question, so casually asked, made Hotch wonder if he'd got it wrong. He drained the rest of his drink, feeling more lost than he had before. "I didn't know what else to do," he admitted quietly, and then shook his head and started towards Morgan's door again. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have bothered you."
Don't let him leave, Morgan told himself. He stood and got between Hotch and the door. "You're not bothering me," he said quietly. He licked his lips. "I'm...trying to figure out what you need from me," he admitted. "And what you want. Because you said you weren't going to touch Reid...but you have been. You want him. But you're talking to me." He shook his head and pushed Hotch gently back towards the bed. "Explain this to me, Aaron."
Hotch felt the tension drain out of him a little when Morgan touched him, his apprehension about their relationship fading when Morgan showed concern, but not enough to really relax him. "You know I can't have him, Derek. You know he deserves more... And I hope you know how I feel about you," Hotch tried to explain, hoping the last part wasn't going to cause Morgan to panic and change his mind about not wanting Hotch to leave.
Morgan sighed and tugged Hotch down to the bed. He didn't know, exactly, how Hotch felt about him, but it seemed like Hotch was treating this thing between them like a relationship, and despite the apprehension that caused in Morgan, he liked it, too. "Come here," he murmured, leaning in to kiss Hotch gently. Was it his imagination that Hotch tasted different? Probably. "What I know is that you are more than capable of giving Reid everything he wants. I don't know if this is the best timing, and I know I'm jealous as hell, but..." He sighed. "You deserve to be happy, Aaron."
"This makes me happy," Hotch countered, hooking a hand around Morgan's neck and kissing him back, hard, willing himself to forget the way Reid felt against him and the way Reid whimpered against his lips. "This is good," he breathed against Morgan's lips, sliding his hand up the back of Morgan's head.
Morgan groaned softly and wrapped an arm around Hotch's waist. This was good, and he didn't want to lose it. He hadn't slept with anyone else in months now, hadn't even looked. This wasn't a relationship...but it felt a lot like one. "This is good," he agreed. "But you aren't denying that you want Reid."
Hotch didn't answer right away. He considered not answering at all. He wanted to push Morgan down to the bed and fuck him until Morgan couldn't find the breath to even call out his name, until Hotch could forget about the way Reid touched him. Hotch leaned them back, starting to act on his instinct, letting his kiss get hungrier... but then he felt guilty. He shouldn't use Morgan to help him bury how he felt. He shouldn't fuck Morgan out of anger or confusion. He pulled back slightly, breathless. "I think we both know that would be a lie."
Morgan tightened his arms around Hotch to keep him from pulling away. He'd let out an involuntary moan at the way Hotch pushed him down, more than willing to let Hotch bury this under sex. He didn't want him to pull away. "Did you tell him you're fucking me?" he whispered, and leaned up to kiss Hotch hard, his body responding to Hotch's weight against him.
Hotch groaned and pressed Morgan into the bed more, yielding to Morgan's encouragement in spite of his reservations. "Of course not. That's not just my secret; it's ours." His fingers slid up Morgan's bare chest. This was the wrong thing to do right now, but it felt better than anything else.
Those words sent a funny thrill through Morgan's gut. He kissed Hotch again, wondering if Hotch would feel guilty later for leaving Reid and running straight to him. Then he wondered if Hotch felt guilty about Reid, and that was why he'd come to Morgan. "What did you tell him?" he murmured, hooking a leg around Hotch's.
They were still talking about Reid. The distraction of sex really didn't work if they continued to discuss the problem Hotch was trying to push away. He pulled back with a sigh and looked down at Morgan. "That I couldn't give him what he wanted. That I knew he wanted more than just sex. That he deserved better... The truth."
Morgan snorted. "And he bought that?" He shook his head and ran his fingers through Hotch's hair. "Aaron, you're a very smart man. You ought to know he doesn't give a damn about that. He's like me in that regard...He'll take however much of you he can get." Morgan chewed his lower lip thoughtfully for a moment. "I guess the question is if he's willing to share you."
Hotch's brows drew together. "I know he'll take what he can get, but that's not what I want for him," he said, sounding slightly defensive. He sighed and rolled off of Morgan and onto his back, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes. "I was going to ask why you keep trying to get me to sleep with Reid when I'm sleeping with you, but now I feel like I should ask why you're so willing to... as you say, share?"
Morgan shifted onto his side, following Hotch and resting a hand on his stomach. "This isn't really casual sex, is it?" he murmured, watching Hotch's face. His heart was pounding, both at what he was about to admit and the idea that had been forming in his mind. "We've fallen into a relationship when we weren't looking. But we both know you care about Reid. And I thought we both knew that I care about Reid. We're both trying to show it by leaving him alone--but he obviously doesn't want that. Not from you, anyway." He licked his lips, trying to gauge how Hotch was taking this, and completely unable to read his lover's expression. "If I were a stronger man I'd walk away so the two of you could be together. I don't think I can do that, though. Not unless you're going to get me transferred to the field office in Alaska, because it would kill me to watch the two of you together and know I couldn't have you." He closed his eyes. "But I don't want any of us to be miserable. If I know that he won't try to end what you and I have..."
Hotch just stared at Morgan for a moment. Was this why Morgan's jealousy over how Reid and Hotch interacted had seemed to turn amused over the last month? Was Morgan somehow expecting and preparing for the possibility that Reid might try to cross their pre-established boundaries once Hotch was officially divorced? Regardless of the reason, Morgan seemed serious in his suggestion, and Hotch's mind was suddenly too full to even comprehend it all. "I'm not transferring you. Who would I have to tackle people?" he asked, thinking back on what Reid had said just earlier that evening. He closed his eyes and pressed his hand against them again. "I've gone from married man to gay slut in a matter of months," he added, his lips curling slightly, expecting Morgan to laugh, which was why he'd said it out loud at all, instead of keeping the thought to himself as he normally would have.
Morgan laughed and leaned down to kiss Hotch's chest. "Must be my bad influence on you," he said, amused. He felt almost weak with relief that Hotch hadn't laughed at him and that he hadn't denied that they were in a relationship, despite what either of them had intended at the beginning of this. "Face it, you're ridiculously sexy. But I draw the line at sharing you with Dave, so if he decides he wants in on it, he and I are gonna have words."
Hotch laughed, letting his hand stroke down Morgan's back. "I'm pretty sure Dave doesn't swing that way." He rolled up to his side and cupped Morgan's jaw in his hand. "You're important to me," he breathed. "Don't tell me this is okay and then change your mind, because there isn't any going back." He still wasn't sure he liked the idea of taking back everything he'd said to Reid. He still believed most of it... except that if Morgan was any indication, he was already ready for more than just casual sex. He had to wonder how long he'd felt lonely in his marriage without realizing it.
Morgan shook his head, meeting his gaze. "Aaron..." He leaned in and kissed him, more tenderly than usual. "I've thought about this a lot over the past few weeks. Because there was never any question in my mind that Reid would eventually do a cost-benefit analysis and decide that the benefits of possibly having you outweighed the potential embarrassment if you said no." He smiled faintly, sliding his hand up Hotch's chest. "And you know how much I care about Reid." He shrugged and kissed Hotch again. "I think, if he didn't object to having me around...it could be a good arrangement for all of us."
That thought sent an unexpected shiver of desire through Hotch at the idea of Reid 'not objecting to having Morgan around'. Part of him wondered if he could ever have Morgan and Reid together. Literally. Hotch kissed Morgan again. Don't get ahead of this. He laid back and sighed. "He's angry with me, I'm sure," he murmured, then trailed off. "I really... don't know about this."
"Of course he's angry with you," Morgan said, stroking his hand across Hotch's chest. "I'd probably be angry in his place. But he'll get over it." He fell silent for a while, thinking about Reid while he traced lines and swirls across Hotch's torso. After a while his brows furrowed and he added, "We should be careful. If he found out about us..."
Hotch's eyebrows went up, and he glanced at Morgan, flattening his hand over Morgan's on his chest and sliding his fingers between Morgan's against his shirt. "I thought I was supposed to tell him," he said. "I'm not sleeping with both of you and not telling him."
Morgan snorted. "Yes, you're supposed to tell him. I don't think our genius boy figuring it out on his own would be ideal, though." He leaned in to kiss Hotch. "I've noticed he's very good at jumping to conclusions where his self esteem is concerned. And they're usually not happy conclusions."
"I know," Hotch said, thinking about what Reid had said about getting thrown into the wall three days ago and how hard he'd, apparently, been taking that. Hotch didn't miss how Morgan had called Reid 'our' genius boy, either, but he didn't say anything. "Though I suppose I can disabuse him of the notion that no one has been tackling you into walls lately, at least," he added, grinning and kissing Morgan.
Morgan hummed into the kiss and rolled on top of Hotch. "Tackling me into walls?" he murmured, kissing along Hotch's jaw.
Hotch groaned at the weight on him. "Have you forgotten the advantage of my bare apartment walls already?" he asked, tilting his head back to offer more naked skin to Morgan. "Nothing to knock off them when I fuck you."
Morgan laughed. "I'm just wondering why Reid's talking about me being tackled." Then he paused, rubbing his nose against Hotch's jaw. "Wait, this isn't about that jackass the other day, is it?"
"Does that surprise you?" Hotch whispered, wrapping his arms around Morgan. It was starting to dawn on him just how much he and Morgan talked about Reid when they were together. It was almost ridiculous.
"Not really," Morgan said, sighing. He nipped at Hotch's throat, deciding to distract them both. "You know, there's a wall over there with my name on it..."
Hotch smiled softly and slid his hand over Morgan's back, then sighed, almost hesitant to respond. "I'm tired," he whispered after a long pause, and he meant both physically and emotionally. It was something he'd never said before when sex had been suggested between them, but it felt okay (if new and a little frightening) to say that now that they knew there was more than sex between them.
The words made Morgan pause and suck in a slow breath. Then he nodded and kissed Hotch gently. "I guess I could fix you a drink and rub your feet," he murmured, his voice only half teasing.
Relieved, Hotch expelled a silent laugh. "I've already had two tonight. I shouldn't have any more." He left the second offer open. He couldn't help but think about the conversation he'd had with Morgan on the first night they'd slept together, how he'd refused to rub Morgan's feet because he 'wasn't ready for a long-term relationship'. He wondered if Morgan had thought of that when he offered just now.
"Mmm, yeah, if I'm gonna get you drunk, I want you to have enough energy to have your way with me," Morgan teased. He shifted away and just looked at Hotch for a few moments. "Roll over. I'll do your shoulders. They probably need it more than your feet."
Hotch watched Morgan for a minute, then closed his eyes and shook his head, silently wondering how this night had managed to end the way it had. After a moment, he licked his lips and rolled over, groaning at the familiar weight of Morgan's body settling against him when Morgan straddled his hips. "You're one of those people that just doesn't like feet, aren't you?" he asked, but then Morgan's fingers squeezed his shoulders and he hissed at how tight he was without even realizing.
Morgan chuckled. "I just know your body well enough by now to know where you carry all your tension," he murmured. He leaned down and brushed his lips across the back of Hotch's neck. "If I get done here and you still want your feet rubbed, I will." He hesitated, then decided against reminding Hotch that the last time they'd talked about rubbing feet, it was in the context of a long-term commitment. Morgan still wasn't sure if that was what he was offering Hotch--and Reid, apparently--but it seemed easier not to talk about it.
The next half hour was spent trying not to think any more about bizarre relationship entanglements, work, or anything remotely approaching a serious conversation. Eventually Hotch's voice began slurring almost into sleep, and Morgan, content to work in silence, finished working the worst of the knots from his shoulders and back.
When Morgan started having trouble keeping his eyes open, even with the pleasing incentive of watching Hotch sleep, he had to make the decision to shake Hotch awake. They shouldn't spend the entire night in the same bed while they were in a hotel with the rest of the team. He leaned down and kissed Hotch's cheek, then shook him gently.
Hotch sucked in a breath and blinked hard, his mind pleasantly hazy and his body looser than it had felt in a long time. It took him a moment to realize he was still in Morgan's bed, and the resulting worry that they might have both fallen asleep and spent the entire night together woke him up the rest of the way. "Mmm, sorry. How long have I been asleep?" he asked, trying to sit up right away, but still feeling groggy.
"Not too long," Morgan replied, smiling. "It's not quite midnight." He liked the way Hotch looked when he was waking up. "But I thought you shouldn't stay all night, since someone could notice."
Hotch stopped fighting his sluggish body as soon as he knew they were safe, but he still pushed himself to a seated position, slower than he'd been moving before. "Thanks," he murmured. "Yeah, I should..." He rubbed his eyes. "You should give back rubs more often," he amended with a yawn.
Morgan's smile widened. "Well, I didn't know until tonight that that was allowed," he said, running his fingers through Hotch's hair to straighten it a little. "Damn, you're even gorgeous when you're sleepy."
Hotch snorted, but didn't respond, then turned to look at Morgan, liking the smile on his face. He leaned back down to kiss Morgan. "It's allowed. Next time somewhere we can linger," Hotch said. "I should go." He kissed Morgan again, drawing the kiss out tenderly, and then forced himself to get off the bed and start toward the door.
Morgan followed him and leaned on the wall by the door. "Sweet dreams," he said lightly.
Hotch smiled and ran his hand through his hair. "Yeah," he said, and stole another kiss before stepping out of the door. When he reached back to pull it shut, his hand slipped on something on the handle, and he glanced back at it before the door was fully closed.
His lips parted in surprise, and for a moment, he just stared, not letting the door close. All the good feelings that the end of this evening had created in him were washing out of him. "Ah... Morgan?" He glanced up at Morgan, who was staring at him curiously.
Hotch closed his fingers on the fabric draping Morgan's door handle. "We have a problem," he said, and held the tie he'd left in Reid's room up for Morgan to see.
Having It All, Part One
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Date: 2009-02-07 03:58 am (UTC)I love the casualness of the Hotch/Morgan part. The easy relationship feeling to it. It's sweet and peaceful between them and that's lovely.
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Date: 2009-02-07 04:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-13 11:47 pm (UTC)