![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
innerslytherin posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
geekystudmuffinTitle: Having It All (1/3)
Authors:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innerslytherin and severity_softly
Pairing: Hotch/Reid, Hotch/Morgan
Rating: NC-17/FRAO
Warning: Double penetration
WC: ~17,000
Notes: Self-betaed. Set generically during season three. RP format.
Summary: After Reid finds out about Hotch and Morgan's relationship, he considers walking away from the BAU. Morgan and Hotch have something else in mind.
IMPORTANT NOTE:This is the fourth and final installment of a four-part series (Hotch/Morgan/Reid--all four parts posted this week). The first three installments, Helping Morgan, Watching Hotch, and Wanting Reid, should be read for context.
Reid cashed in a few personal days and took a long weekend after they returned from the case that had been so disastrous. Well, the case itself had worked out all right in the end, even though Reid had been hurt, but it was mostly what happened after it that had been horrible. Reid felt like an idiot for the way he'd opened up to Hotch, for taking a chance. His already wounded ego had taken a second blow the night after the case, first when Hotch left him wanting and angry, then again when Reid had decided to go after Hotch only to see him slipping into Morgan's room.
The extra days Reid took off didn't help any. He had just stewed over that night's events the entire time. It would have been better if he'd just gone to work, he realized, because then he would have had distraction, and he knew Hotch and Morgan both had to know what he was avoiding by not coming in.
He should have known, in retrospect. He should have expected something like this would happen. He knew how much Morgan liked Hotch. On top of that, Morgan was closer to Hotch's age (Reid didn't care about age, but he knew Hotch did) and more attractive than Reid, in that ex-football player type of way. Reid hadn't expected Morgan to try and beat him to Hotch once Hotch was single, though, and the fact that Hotch had kissed Reid at all when he was already with Morgan, rather than stopping it before Reid had a chance to completely embarrass himself, stung. Reid wasn't sure which one of them to be angrier at.
When he returned to work, he got stuck in the elevator that morning with Morgan, Prentiss standing between them, and he tried not to be surly, but snapped at Prentiss anyway. After which forced himself to apologize. Remembered the last time he snapped at her, he purposely held her gaze for a little too long, letting her see that his eyes were not red, nor were his pupils constricted. As soon as the elevator doors opened, however, he swept out to the bullpen without another word.
Morgan darted glances at him the entire day, but Reid blatantly ignored him, staring straight ahead at whatever he was working on. Reid knew Morgan knew that Reid was aware of being watched, but he didn't care. It wasn't until it was close to quitting time that Reid even saw Hotch for the first time, but Hotch came straight to Reid's desk. Reid looked up and fixed Hotch with a gaze, one that said 'what do you want' without him actually having to speak the words.
"We need to talk," Hotch said, making his tone as firm as possible in the hopes that Reid wouldn't argue with him. He still didn't know what to say, but Morgan had insisted repeatedly over the past few days that as soon as Reid stopped hiding from them, Hotch had to seek him out and force the issue. And Hotch knew he was right, even if he was unsure what to say.
If it hadn't been for the guilt over having hurt Reid, and the anxiety over the confrontation that had to happen, Hotch would have enjoyed the time since their last case. He and Morgan had actually had dinner together (and he had learned that, while Morgan usually didn't bother cooking for himself, he was more than adequate when it came to steaks and a grill). They spent as much time talking about Reid as they did about themselves, but Hotch was beginning to think that was par for the course in their relationship. He'd also come to realize that, no matter what Morgan said about being unable to commit to a relationship, he cared deeply enough for Reid that it was probably fear and habit--and probably an unhealthy dose of self-doubt that Morgan would deny if confronted--that had kept him from approaching Reid himself.
Well, that and the fact that Morgan knew how much Reid wanted Hotch. God, what a mess, Hotch thought, and leveled an implacable gaze at Reid. Let's get this sorted out.
"Right now?" Reid asked, his expression unchanging, but when Hotch's didn't change either, Reid held a sigh. He got up and started toward Hotch's office, his stomach rolling uncomfortably. This was going to be horrible. But Hotch wasn't going to fire him. Reid kept telling himself that as he walked to Hotch's office, not even having realized he'd been worried about that.
Hotch followed Reid into his office and shut the door, locking it for good measure. He got two Cokes out of his mini-fridge and handed one to Reid, then sat in one of the chairs in front of his desk, hoping that not having the desk between them would put Reid a little more at ease.
Reid frowned at Hotch for a moment. He didn't want to sit here without the desk between them. That made it harder to stay distant, both literally and emotionally. He stood there for a moment, briefly considered taking Hotch's usual chair, and then slumped in the seat next to Hotch. He crossed his legs and glowered idly at the soda can, his fingertip tapping the top of it in an irritable little rhythm.
Hotch pressed his lips together, trying not to smile at the picture Reid made. "You look like you've been called into the principal's office," he said, watching Reid's face and hoping to lighten the mood. "Do you know how hard that makes it for me to be serious?"
Reid looked up and glared at Hotch, trying to ignore the tiny voice that said Hotch was making light of their age difference again, because he knew that wasn't what Hotch meant. It was still easier to be angry than relax, though, so Reid decided to let Hotch think he was offended. "Well, try remembering I'm not some misbehaving teenager you have to reprimand. That might help." His glare was faltering as he looked at Hotch, though, and Reid had to fight to keep it in place.
Hotch sucked in a breath and rubbed the back of his neck. "That wasn't what I meant," he said, pushing away a sense of defeat. They weren't going to leave this room until he'd at least made Reid hear everything out. "Look, Spencer, I want to explain...apologize..." He shook his head. "I'd like to ask that you hear me out, please." Ask, because he couldn't order Reid, and maybe this would make Reid understand Hotch didn't view him as a misbehaving teenager.
Reid shook his head and put the Coke on Hotch's desk, unopened. "Why bother, Hotch?" he asked. "It's fine. I get it, okay? We don't need to talk about it."
"Yes, we do," Hotch said, leaning his elbows on his knees so he could meet Reid's gaze. "For a number of reasons, foremost of which is that I don't think you really do get it." He curled his lips a little, wanting Reid to look at him. "For one thing, I want you to understand how very attractive I find you, and how much it means to me that you would think the same of me."
Reid breathed a laugh, but it was a low, angry laugh. He shook his head. "First of all, that much was clear when you didn't stop me before I made an idiot of myself. Secondly, don't say that to me again," he breathed, feeling his eyes prickle, though he forced himself to meet Hotch's gaze anyway. "It's not fair to say that to me now."
"You didn't make an idiot of yourself, Spencer," Hotch said, holding his gaze. "If anything, I'm the one who behaved badly...but that's mostly because I told Derek..." He sighed and lifted a hand to rub his forehead. "God, I'm doing this very badly." After a moment he popped open his Coke and took a long swallow. Then he looked back at Reid.
"Derek and I have been sleeping together for three months. But it was with the understanding that it was a casual thing. No strings attached. I wasn't ready for a long-term relationship, just after my divorce was finalized." He paused again, trying to gauge how Reid was taking this.
Reid's lips parted in surprise, and he started at Hotch for a moment. "Three months?" he repeated. "Three months, and your divorce has been final for two? And you..." Reid shook his head. After Hotch had left his hotel room on the last case, Reid had been belatedly angry that Hotch hadn't told him about the divorce right away, considering he'd only heard about it within two weeks of that night, but he'd pushed the thoughts aside, telling himself he didn't have the right to just expect Hotch to tell him things. The anger started to bubble up again now, though, as much as Reid hated it.
Hotch didn't appreciate the accusatory note in Reid's voice, particularly since he'd felt guilty about that himself. "Trust me when I say there was never any question that the divorce would be finalized," he said, an edge creeping into his voice. Then he drew in a long breath, telling himself not to get angry.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap." He cleared his throat. "It certainly wasn't something I had planned, but Derek...well, it felt good to be wanted. Haley...had been making it obvious for nearly a year that I wasn't good enough for her any more. And Derek isn't exactly a relationship kind of guy," he added, smiling wryly. Or at least neither of us thought he was. "We both knew I wasn't ready for a relationship, but that wasn't what he was offering."
Reid's brows furrowed. In any other situation he would have felt bad for making Hotch angry, for so obviously and insensitively touching on a sore subject... but Reid was too angry to bend. Still he let the subject drop, and stared at Hotch as he explained. "I don't need to know any of this, and I don't want to know it," he said firmly, after letting Hotch's words sink in a moment. He wanted to leave. He wanted to forget this was happening. He wanted... Reid shook himself when Hankel's face drifted through his mind for the first time in months, and reminded himself firmly that running away from this, "forgetting" it, wouldn't solve anything.
Hotch nodded; he understood, but he felt Reid needed to appreciate the situation Hotch was about to invite him into. "Indulge me a little longer, please, Spencer," he said quietly. "To be completely honest, I was shocked by Morgan's interest. I'd never given any thought to the possibility that any of the team might be interested in me. After that, I noticed that you seemed to pay a lot of attention to me..." He shrugged. "Suffice it to say, I realized that you might be interested in me. And I originally thought I shouldn't encourage you, because of the reasons I gave you last week. I respect both you and Derek, but his style of...interpersonal relations...is quite different from yours. Quite frankly, I know damn well that you're not a one night stand, casual sex kind of man."
Reid set his jaw. Somehow those words didn't make him feel any better. He'd told Hotch quite plainly that if a one night stand was all he was ever able to get from Hotch, he wanted it, but Hotch apparently hadn't wanted to hear that. Rather, he'd seemed to get it in his head that Reid was too good for a one night stand... and Reid knew he should feel at least a little flattered, but instead he just felt rejected over some assumption that he had no power to change. Reid lifted his eyebrows, indicating he was waiting for Hotch to get to the point of all this, and wished he'd just left a few moments ago when his gut had told him to.
Hotch gave him a look. "I wouldn't make you listen to all this just to torture you, Spencer," he said, disappointed that Reid couldn't have a little faith in him, even if he knew he probably deserved to be doubted. "The thing is, I'm incredibly attracted to you, and I hated turning you down the other night...but I felt guilty. Derek and I both claimed we didn't have a relationship, but obviously I was viewing it as one...and as it turns out, he seems to be, as well. After you and I kissed..." Hotch sighed and took another long drink of his Coke. "Derek cares about you, Spencer. A lot. He..." God, this was too hard. Hotch felt ridiculous even suggesting what Morgan had proposed. He scrubbed a hand through his hair and didn't bother to smooth it down again. "Derek knows that walking away from you made us both unhappy. He suggested that...he wouldn't be opposed to...ah...sharing me." He felt his face get hot as soon as the words were out of his mouth. Reid was going to laugh in his face. Or possibly shout at him. This was such a bad idea.
Reid rolled his eyes at the notion that Morgan cared about him. In this situation, right now, it felt impossible to believe. That thought died as soon as Hotch finished, though, and Reid's lips parted. For a minute he just stared at Hotch, not really sure he'd actually heard the words coming out of Hotch's mouth. Finally he forced himself to repeated them. "Sharing you?" Out loud, out of his own lips, they sounded worse.
Hotch raised a hand to rub over his mouth and jaw. No, Reid didn't believe him. "I...yeah. This...wasn't my idea. But I care about you both, and...I hate knowing that I hurt you, Spencer. But I don't want to hurt him, either. I...this situation is completely beyond my experience." He cleared his throat and stood, going to look out the window so he wouldn't have to keep looking at Reid. "I'll understand if you don't want to. I just wanted to...present the option."
"Present the option?" Reid repeated, faster this time. "Of sharing you?" He was angry again and he didn't know why. He knew he didn't want to run into Morgan again. Possibly not ever. Maybe he could put in for a transfer. "It's quitting time. Can I leave now?"
Hotch turned around, struck by the angry tone of Reid's voice. He didn't know why the idea hurt so much, that Reid wouldn't even consider it. Hotch knew the idea sounded crazy. He'd presented this wrong. He should have emphasized the fact that Morgan wanted Reid too. Or maybe he should have laughed Morgan off when he'd suggested it.
No, you idiot, you should have turned Morgan down the moment he suggested casual sex, and you should never have even let Reid kiss you. That's what you should have done. He sighed. "I would never keep you here against your will, Spencer. But before you go, I want you to know that regardless of this...misunderstanding, my professional and personal opinion of you will never change. You are a man whom I respect highly, whom I admire. I will always value you both as a friend and as a part of this team. Please understand that, if nothing else, Spencer."
"Oh, I do," Reid said, but he knew he didn't sound like he believed it. "I'll get over this." He nodded and stood. "And if I don't, you can always transfer me." He swept toward the door and opened it before Hotch could say anything. "See you tomorrow." He headed down the hall, glanced at his desk, and decided he'd worry tomorrow about the stacks of paper he left there. He headed straight for the elevator, trying to look calm.
Hotch slumped back against the wall, rubbing both hands over his face. God, he felt like a colossal fool. After a minute he walked across his office to shut the door again, then went back to sit down. He would spend the next hour staring blankly before finally deciding to go home.
Morgan had been watching the door to Hotch's office like it was a bomb waiting to go off. He knew Reid was angry at him, and he could even understand why. After all, Reid had confided in Morgan about his attraction to Hotch. It didn't really matter that Morgan had been interested in Hotch for just as long; Morgan wasn't the relationship type. Everyone in the office knew that, so Morgan obviously had no business pursuing anything with Hotch. Especially when it was obvious, to Morgan at least, that Reid was exactly what Hotch needed.
Morgan had never planned to make a move on Hotch. It had just sort of happened...and things had spiralled out of control from there. He had realized he was jealous of the way Hotch looked at Reid. He had realized he didn't want to lose what he had with Hotch. He had realized that what he and Hotch had was a relationship, despite the fact that Morgan had never been that kind of guy.
He wasn't sure if Reid would even like the idea of being with both of them, but he kept hoping Reid would give the idea some consideration. So when Reid came out of Hotch's office with the tense, stiff air of someone who was obviously holding himself together against all desires, Morgan couldn't push down a pang of hurt. Still, he'd promised Hotch that he would talk to Reid as well, once Hotch had broached the subject. With a sigh, he followed Reid out of the BAU, catching up with him at the elevators.
He walked up next to Reid, hands in his pockets. "Hey, pretty boy. Good to have you back."
It hit Reid as soon as Morgan walked up to him, with an unexpected flash of anger, that he was more mad at Morgan than he was at Hotch. Reid glanced around them. No one was within hearing range. "Don't call me that," he breathed.
Morgan frowned and looked over at him. "You know, that's not exactly an insult." He studied Reid's expression. He'd been ignoring Morgan all day, but Morgan had hoped he wouldn't be quite this angry after talking to Hotch.
Reid glanced over at Morgan, his expression much blanker than he felt. He felt like he was barely controlling a tantrum. He hated that he was this upset, but it also seemed like there wasn't any way to console it. He just wanted to get away from here before he exploded. "That's not the point," he said.
Morgan sighed. "Fine, you don't like it, I'll stop," he said, his tone shorter than he'd meant for it to be. The elevator dinged and the doors slid open, but Morgan waited for Reid to step inside before he followed.
Reid was going to wait for Morgan to get on and then take the next elevator, but Morgan seemed to have seen that coming. Reid waited for the elevator doors to shut before he glared at Morgan. "I don't dislike 'pretty boy'. I'm just not feeling overly generous towards you."
Morgan let the elevator get halfway down, then hit the emergency stop button. "Yeah, I guessed. I don't know why, because I thought I was being pretty damn generous towards you." It wasn't a nice thing to say, considering Morgan thought Hotch would probably pick Reid, if he were forced to choose, but Morgan was less interested in being nice than he was in provoking Reid to talk, even if it meant shouting at him.
Reid gasped as the elevator came to a halt, and stared at the button for a moment, but then Morgan's words hit him. He turned his gaze on Morgan, suddenly more furious than he even had thought possible. "Oh, well, thanks so much for your charity, Morgan! I appreciate it!"
"Charity?" Morgan glared at him. "Is that what you think this is? You little idiot, Hotch wants you! It's hardly charity!"
"Right, and you're willing to share," Reid snapped, then crossed his arms and shoved back against the elevator wall. "You could have anyone you want, Morgan. Anyone! And you knew I wanted Hotch, and went after him first anyway! ...And now I get to share?!" He drew an unsteady breath, and sort of wished he were a more imposing man, because he knew his anger never looked quite as intimidating as Morgan's did. "That's so generous. Thank you."
Morgan laughed bitterly and shook his head. "Anyone I want, huh?" he repeated, watching Reid and trying not to get angry in turn. "That's not the way it is, Reid. I can have anyone who wants a casual fuck. I can have anyone who's interested in walking away after one night. But I've been looking at someone for years that I could never have, because he wasn't someone who'd be willing to take what I could give him. Looking, and never been able to have him, because he wanted someone else." He scrubbed his hands over his head and turned away. "Fuck it." Maybe the Chicago office had something open. His mother was always after him to come home. He could do the right thing, walk away from this and let the good guys win.
Reid was still glaring at the opposite wall of the elevator, angry, though he idly wondered if and when someone was going to show up to find out what had happened to the elevator. "Fine. Well, now Haley's gone, and you have him. Enjoy," he said bitterly, and hit the button to get the elevator to move again, wanting suddenly to cry.
Morgan reached out and hit the button again, turning to glare at Reid. "You really don't care enough about him that you could put up with me, too? I know I've been hard on you sometimes, but am I really that bad?" God, shut up, Derek, he told himself. What kind of glutton for punishment are you?
Reid clenched his jaw. "Why should I have to compromise?! Why should I have to be the third wheel, or settle for having whatever it is you can spare, your leftovers? I'm not going to follow after the great sex god Derek Morgan and pick up whatever he leaves behind for me, thinking how generous he is to us little people who can't get a date." Reid shook his head, trying to shove down the emotion that was suddenly coming over him, and pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes so he didn't have to look at Morgan anymore. "I can't-- I-- I thought-- I thought you did care about me. How could you do this to me?" he finally blurted, and was horrified by the way his voice cracked.
"Are you really that blind?" Morgan demanded, staring at him. "This isn't about leftovers, Reid! It's about you! It's about taking a chance and maybe making all three of us happy!" He shook his head, hating the guilt Reid's emotions made him feel. "I do care about you, and that's why I thought maybe this could work!" He clenched his jaw and looked away, mentally kicking himself. He should have known better.
Reid shook his head. No matter what Morgan said, Reid couldn't imagine being happy in this arrangement. He was quiet for a long moment, stilling the hurt inside him until all that left was a feeling of defeat. "I don't know how you expected me to see this, Morgan, but it would always feel that way to me. You're more attractive than I am, better with people, closer to his age..." Reid sighed. "You win. I concede." He wasn't happy about it, though. Maybe he would put in for a transfer to Las Vegas. He pushed the elevator button again.
"Oh my God, Reid!" Morgan's hand shot out and slapped the button to stop them again. "You have got to be the--" He broke off and seized Reid's shoulders, bearing him back against the elevator wall. "You are the stupidest genius I know," he growled, and kissed Reid hard.
Reid gasped, and automatically hit Morgan hard in the chest with his fist before he realized what Morgan was even doing. He wasn't sure what he'd expected Morgan to do -- not hurt him, surely -- but it certainly wasn't this, and he hadn't expected it to be good. He made a startled noise as soon as Morgan's tongue slipped past his lips though, and returned the kiss automatically, suddenly even more confused, but letting his hand drop away, not on the defensive anymore. Morgan pulled back once Reid was panting for breath, and Reid just stared at him, his mouth hanging open in shock.
"You, Reid," Morgan said breathlessly. His heart was pounding--and he wasn't sure if the pain in his chest was from that or from Reid punching him. Morgan searched Reid's eyes, trying to find any comprehension there. He'd just kissed Reid after years of wanting to, and somehow it was totally different from kissing Hotch. But God, it felt good. "You're the man I've wanted for so long, you idiot, but I knew I'd end up hurting you if...so I just kept it to myself, because that was all I could do for you." He tightened his grip on Reid's shoulders. "But I thought if Hotch wanted us both, and we both wanted him...maybe you and I could work something out, too."
Reid stared at Morgan, not knowing what to say. He started to speak, but the words wouldn't form, so he finally closed his mouth when he thought he could breathe normally. Morgan wanted him. Morgan wanted him. Reid couldn't help but want to ask why, but he knew that didn't really matter. Morgan had kissed him. Reid didn't need further proof.
Hotch and Morgan both wanted Reid. It was a sudden, shocking, and amazing thought... and completely overwhelming. "They're... going to check on the elevator soon," he panted, obviously stalling, unable to put together a reasonable reply to Morgan's words.
It wasn't the answer Morgan had been hoping for--it wasn't an answer at all--but he had a feeling it was going to take Reid some time to process this, even with his big brain. And it wasn't an outright refusal. Reid had kissed him back. So there was something there, which was more than Morgan had really expected. He nodded slowly, his lips curling a little. "We seem to have 'bad luck' with elevators, don't we, pretty boy?" he murmured. He leaned in and kissed Reid again, his mouth soft against Reid's, then stepped back, giving him space.
Morgan's kisses did things to Reid that nearly frightened him; they made Reid's body tingle and crave more -- which was slightly annoying, because Reid still wanted to be angry with Morgan. Reid had never so much as considered Morgan an option before, only Hotch. He'd only ever looked at Hotch, thinking he shouldn't even be doing that much. He stared at Morgan for a moment, breathless and a little lightheaded at the way Morgan was looking at him -- the way Morgan always looked at him, he realized; he'd just never seen it before. "Yeah, we really do," he breathed, and hit the button a final time.
Part Two
Authors:
innerslytherin and severity_softlyPairing: Hotch/Reid, Hotch/Morgan
Rating: NC-17/FRAO
Warning: Double penetration
WC: ~17,000
Notes: Self-betaed. Set generically during season three. RP format.
Summary: After Reid finds out about Hotch and Morgan's relationship, he considers walking away from the BAU. Morgan and Hotch have something else in mind.
IMPORTANT NOTE:This is the fourth and final installment of a four-part series (Hotch/Morgan/Reid--all four parts posted this week). The first three installments, Helping Morgan, Watching Hotch, and Wanting Reid, should be read for context.
Reid cashed in a few personal days and took a long weekend after they returned from the case that had been so disastrous. Well, the case itself had worked out all right in the end, even though Reid had been hurt, but it was mostly what happened after it that had been horrible. Reid felt like an idiot for the way he'd opened up to Hotch, for taking a chance. His already wounded ego had taken a second blow the night after the case, first when Hotch left him wanting and angry, then again when Reid had decided to go after Hotch only to see him slipping into Morgan's room.
The extra days Reid took off didn't help any. He had just stewed over that night's events the entire time. It would have been better if he'd just gone to work, he realized, because then he would have had distraction, and he knew Hotch and Morgan both had to know what he was avoiding by not coming in.
He should have known, in retrospect. He should have expected something like this would happen. He knew how much Morgan liked Hotch. On top of that, Morgan was closer to Hotch's age (Reid didn't care about age, but he knew Hotch did) and more attractive than Reid, in that ex-football player type of way. Reid hadn't expected Morgan to try and beat him to Hotch once Hotch was single, though, and the fact that Hotch had kissed Reid at all when he was already with Morgan, rather than stopping it before Reid had a chance to completely embarrass himself, stung. Reid wasn't sure which one of them to be angrier at.
When he returned to work, he got stuck in the elevator that morning with Morgan, Prentiss standing between them, and he tried not to be surly, but snapped at Prentiss anyway. After which forced himself to apologize. Remembered the last time he snapped at her, he purposely held her gaze for a little too long, letting her see that his eyes were not red, nor were his pupils constricted. As soon as the elevator doors opened, however, he swept out to the bullpen without another word.
Morgan darted glances at him the entire day, but Reid blatantly ignored him, staring straight ahead at whatever he was working on. Reid knew Morgan knew that Reid was aware of being watched, but he didn't care. It wasn't until it was close to quitting time that Reid even saw Hotch for the first time, but Hotch came straight to Reid's desk. Reid looked up and fixed Hotch with a gaze, one that said 'what do you want' without him actually having to speak the words.
"We need to talk," Hotch said, making his tone as firm as possible in the hopes that Reid wouldn't argue with him. He still didn't know what to say, but Morgan had insisted repeatedly over the past few days that as soon as Reid stopped hiding from them, Hotch had to seek him out and force the issue. And Hotch knew he was right, even if he was unsure what to say.
If it hadn't been for the guilt over having hurt Reid, and the anxiety over the confrontation that had to happen, Hotch would have enjoyed the time since their last case. He and Morgan had actually had dinner together (and he had learned that, while Morgan usually didn't bother cooking for himself, he was more than adequate when it came to steaks and a grill). They spent as much time talking about Reid as they did about themselves, but Hotch was beginning to think that was par for the course in their relationship. He'd also come to realize that, no matter what Morgan said about being unable to commit to a relationship, he cared deeply enough for Reid that it was probably fear and habit--and probably an unhealthy dose of self-doubt that Morgan would deny if confronted--that had kept him from approaching Reid himself.
Well, that and the fact that Morgan knew how much Reid wanted Hotch. God, what a mess, Hotch thought, and leveled an implacable gaze at Reid. Let's get this sorted out.
"Right now?" Reid asked, his expression unchanging, but when Hotch's didn't change either, Reid held a sigh. He got up and started toward Hotch's office, his stomach rolling uncomfortably. This was going to be horrible. But Hotch wasn't going to fire him. Reid kept telling himself that as he walked to Hotch's office, not even having realized he'd been worried about that.
Hotch followed Reid into his office and shut the door, locking it for good measure. He got two Cokes out of his mini-fridge and handed one to Reid, then sat in one of the chairs in front of his desk, hoping that not having the desk between them would put Reid a little more at ease.
Reid frowned at Hotch for a moment. He didn't want to sit here without the desk between them. That made it harder to stay distant, both literally and emotionally. He stood there for a moment, briefly considered taking Hotch's usual chair, and then slumped in the seat next to Hotch. He crossed his legs and glowered idly at the soda can, his fingertip tapping the top of it in an irritable little rhythm.
Hotch pressed his lips together, trying not to smile at the picture Reid made. "You look like you've been called into the principal's office," he said, watching Reid's face and hoping to lighten the mood. "Do you know how hard that makes it for me to be serious?"
Reid looked up and glared at Hotch, trying to ignore the tiny voice that said Hotch was making light of their age difference again, because he knew that wasn't what Hotch meant. It was still easier to be angry than relax, though, so Reid decided to let Hotch think he was offended. "Well, try remembering I'm not some misbehaving teenager you have to reprimand. That might help." His glare was faltering as he looked at Hotch, though, and Reid had to fight to keep it in place.
Hotch sucked in a breath and rubbed the back of his neck. "That wasn't what I meant," he said, pushing away a sense of defeat. They weren't going to leave this room until he'd at least made Reid hear everything out. "Look, Spencer, I want to explain...apologize..." He shook his head. "I'd like to ask that you hear me out, please." Ask, because he couldn't order Reid, and maybe this would make Reid understand Hotch didn't view him as a misbehaving teenager.
Reid shook his head and put the Coke on Hotch's desk, unopened. "Why bother, Hotch?" he asked. "It's fine. I get it, okay? We don't need to talk about it."
"Yes, we do," Hotch said, leaning his elbows on his knees so he could meet Reid's gaze. "For a number of reasons, foremost of which is that I don't think you really do get it." He curled his lips a little, wanting Reid to look at him. "For one thing, I want you to understand how very attractive I find you, and how much it means to me that you would think the same of me."
Reid breathed a laugh, but it was a low, angry laugh. He shook his head. "First of all, that much was clear when you didn't stop me before I made an idiot of myself. Secondly, don't say that to me again," he breathed, feeling his eyes prickle, though he forced himself to meet Hotch's gaze anyway. "It's not fair to say that to me now."
"You didn't make an idiot of yourself, Spencer," Hotch said, holding his gaze. "If anything, I'm the one who behaved badly...but that's mostly because I told Derek..." He sighed and lifted a hand to rub his forehead. "God, I'm doing this very badly." After a moment he popped open his Coke and took a long swallow. Then he looked back at Reid.
"Derek and I have been sleeping together for three months. But it was with the understanding that it was a casual thing. No strings attached. I wasn't ready for a long-term relationship, just after my divorce was finalized." He paused again, trying to gauge how Reid was taking this.
Reid's lips parted in surprise, and he started at Hotch for a moment. "Three months?" he repeated. "Three months, and your divorce has been final for two? And you..." Reid shook his head. After Hotch had left his hotel room on the last case, Reid had been belatedly angry that Hotch hadn't told him about the divorce right away, considering he'd only heard about it within two weeks of that night, but he'd pushed the thoughts aside, telling himself he didn't have the right to just expect Hotch to tell him things. The anger started to bubble up again now, though, as much as Reid hated it.
Hotch didn't appreciate the accusatory note in Reid's voice, particularly since he'd felt guilty about that himself. "Trust me when I say there was never any question that the divorce would be finalized," he said, an edge creeping into his voice. Then he drew in a long breath, telling himself not to get angry.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap." He cleared his throat. "It certainly wasn't something I had planned, but Derek...well, it felt good to be wanted. Haley...had been making it obvious for nearly a year that I wasn't good enough for her any more. And Derek isn't exactly a relationship kind of guy," he added, smiling wryly. Or at least neither of us thought he was. "We both knew I wasn't ready for a relationship, but that wasn't what he was offering."
Reid's brows furrowed. In any other situation he would have felt bad for making Hotch angry, for so obviously and insensitively touching on a sore subject... but Reid was too angry to bend. Still he let the subject drop, and stared at Hotch as he explained. "I don't need to know any of this, and I don't want to know it," he said firmly, after letting Hotch's words sink in a moment. He wanted to leave. He wanted to forget this was happening. He wanted... Reid shook himself when Hankel's face drifted through his mind for the first time in months, and reminded himself firmly that running away from this, "forgetting" it, wouldn't solve anything.
Hotch nodded; he understood, but he felt Reid needed to appreciate the situation Hotch was about to invite him into. "Indulge me a little longer, please, Spencer," he said quietly. "To be completely honest, I was shocked by Morgan's interest. I'd never given any thought to the possibility that any of the team might be interested in me. After that, I noticed that you seemed to pay a lot of attention to me..." He shrugged. "Suffice it to say, I realized that you might be interested in me. And I originally thought I shouldn't encourage you, because of the reasons I gave you last week. I respect both you and Derek, but his style of...interpersonal relations...is quite different from yours. Quite frankly, I know damn well that you're not a one night stand, casual sex kind of man."
Reid set his jaw. Somehow those words didn't make him feel any better. He'd told Hotch quite plainly that if a one night stand was all he was ever able to get from Hotch, he wanted it, but Hotch apparently hadn't wanted to hear that. Rather, he'd seemed to get it in his head that Reid was too good for a one night stand... and Reid knew he should feel at least a little flattered, but instead he just felt rejected over some assumption that he had no power to change. Reid lifted his eyebrows, indicating he was waiting for Hotch to get to the point of all this, and wished he'd just left a few moments ago when his gut had told him to.
Hotch gave him a look. "I wouldn't make you listen to all this just to torture you, Spencer," he said, disappointed that Reid couldn't have a little faith in him, even if he knew he probably deserved to be doubted. "The thing is, I'm incredibly attracted to you, and I hated turning you down the other night...but I felt guilty. Derek and I both claimed we didn't have a relationship, but obviously I was viewing it as one...and as it turns out, he seems to be, as well. After you and I kissed..." Hotch sighed and took another long drink of his Coke. "Derek cares about you, Spencer. A lot. He..." God, this was too hard. Hotch felt ridiculous even suggesting what Morgan had proposed. He scrubbed a hand through his hair and didn't bother to smooth it down again. "Derek knows that walking away from you made us both unhappy. He suggested that...he wouldn't be opposed to...ah...sharing me." He felt his face get hot as soon as the words were out of his mouth. Reid was going to laugh in his face. Or possibly shout at him. This was such a bad idea.
Reid rolled his eyes at the notion that Morgan cared about him. In this situation, right now, it felt impossible to believe. That thought died as soon as Hotch finished, though, and Reid's lips parted. For a minute he just stared at Hotch, not really sure he'd actually heard the words coming out of Hotch's mouth. Finally he forced himself to repeated them. "Sharing you?" Out loud, out of his own lips, they sounded worse.
Hotch raised a hand to rub over his mouth and jaw. No, Reid didn't believe him. "I...yeah. This...wasn't my idea. But I care about you both, and...I hate knowing that I hurt you, Spencer. But I don't want to hurt him, either. I...this situation is completely beyond my experience." He cleared his throat and stood, going to look out the window so he wouldn't have to keep looking at Reid. "I'll understand if you don't want to. I just wanted to...present the option."
"Present the option?" Reid repeated, faster this time. "Of sharing you?" He was angry again and he didn't know why. He knew he didn't want to run into Morgan again. Possibly not ever. Maybe he could put in for a transfer. "It's quitting time. Can I leave now?"
Hotch turned around, struck by the angry tone of Reid's voice. He didn't know why the idea hurt so much, that Reid wouldn't even consider it. Hotch knew the idea sounded crazy. He'd presented this wrong. He should have emphasized the fact that Morgan wanted Reid too. Or maybe he should have laughed Morgan off when he'd suggested it.
No, you idiot, you should have turned Morgan down the moment he suggested casual sex, and you should never have even let Reid kiss you. That's what you should have done. He sighed. "I would never keep you here against your will, Spencer. But before you go, I want you to know that regardless of this...misunderstanding, my professional and personal opinion of you will never change. You are a man whom I respect highly, whom I admire. I will always value you both as a friend and as a part of this team. Please understand that, if nothing else, Spencer."
"Oh, I do," Reid said, but he knew he didn't sound like he believed it. "I'll get over this." He nodded and stood. "And if I don't, you can always transfer me." He swept toward the door and opened it before Hotch could say anything. "See you tomorrow." He headed down the hall, glanced at his desk, and decided he'd worry tomorrow about the stacks of paper he left there. He headed straight for the elevator, trying to look calm.
Hotch slumped back against the wall, rubbing both hands over his face. God, he felt like a colossal fool. After a minute he walked across his office to shut the door again, then went back to sit down. He would spend the next hour staring blankly before finally deciding to go home.
Morgan had been watching the door to Hotch's office like it was a bomb waiting to go off. He knew Reid was angry at him, and he could even understand why. After all, Reid had confided in Morgan about his attraction to Hotch. It didn't really matter that Morgan had been interested in Hotch for just as long; Morgan wasn't the relationship type. Everyone in the office knew that, so Morgan obviously had no business pursuing anything with Hotch. Especially when it was obvious, to Morgan at least, that Reid was exactly what Hotch needed.
Morgan had never planned to make a move on Hotch. It had just sort of happened...and things had spiralled out of control from there. He had realized he was jealous of the way Hotch looked at Reid. He had realized he didn't want to lose what he had with Hotch. He had realized that what he and Hotch had was a relationship, despite the fact that Morgan had never been that kind of guy.
He wasn't sure if Reid would even like the idea of being with both of them, but he kept hoping Reid would give the idea some consideration. So when Reid came out of Hotch's office with the tense, stiff air of someone who was obviously holding himself together against all desires, Morgan couldn't push down a pang of hurt. Still, he'd promised Hotch that he would talk to Reid as well, once Hotch had broached the subject. With a sigh, he followed Reid out of the BAU, catching up with him at the elevators.
He walked up next to Reid, hands in his pockets. "Hey, pretty boy. Good to have you back."
It hit Reid as soon as Morgan walked up to him, with an unexpected flash of anger, that he was more mad at Morgan than he was at Hotch. Reid glanced around them. No one was within hearing range. "Don't call me that," he breathed.
Morgan frowned and looked over at him. "You know, that's not exactly an insult." He studied Reid's expression. He'd been ignoring Morgan all day, but Morgan had hoped he wouldn't be quite this angry after talking to Hotch.
Reid glanced over at Morgan, his expression much blanker than he felt. He felt like he was barely controlling a tantrum. He hated that he was this upset, but it also seemed like there wasn't any way to console it. He just wanted to get away from here before he exploded. "That's not the point," he said.
Morgan sighed. "Fine, you don't like it, I'll stop," he said, his tone shorter than he'd meant for it to be. The elevator dinged and the doors slid open, but Morgan waited for Reid to step inside before he followed.
Reid was going to wait for Morgan to get on and then take the next elevator, but Morgan seemed to have seen that coming. Reid waited for the elevator doors to shut before he glared at Morgan. "I don't dislike 'pretty boy'. I'm just not feeling overly generous towards you."
Morgan let the elevator get halfway down, then hit the emergency stop button. "Yeah, I guessed. I don't know why, because I thought I was being pretty damn generous towards you." It wasn't a nice thing to say, considering Morgan thought Hotch would probably pick Reid, if he were forced to choose, but Morgan was less interested in being nice than he was in provoking Reid to talk, even if it meant shouting at him.
Reid gasped as the elevator came to a halt, and stared at the button for a moment, but then Morgan's words hit him. He turned his gaze on Morgan, suddenly more furious than he even had thought possible. "Oh, well, thanks so much for your charity, Morgan! I appreciate it!"
"Charity?" Morgan glared at him. "Is that what you think this is? You little idiot, Hotch wants you! It's hardly charity!"
"Right, and you're willing to share," Reid snapped, then crossed his arms and shoved back against the elevator wall. "You could have anyone you want, Morgan. Anyone! And you knew I wanted Hotch, and went after him first anyway! ...And now I get to share?!" He drew an unsteady breath, and sort of wished he were a more imposing man, because he knew his anger never looked quite as intimidating as Morgan's did. "That's so generous. Thank you."
Morgan laughed bitterly and shook his head. "Anyone I want, huh?" he repeated, watching Reid and trying not to get angry in turn. "That's not the way it is, Reid. I can have anyone who wants a casual fuck. I can have anyone who's interested in walking away after one night. But I've been looking at someone for years that I could never have, because he wasn't someone who'd be willing to take what I could give him. Looking, and never been able to have him, because he wanted someone else." He scrubbed his hands over his head and turned away. "Fuck it." Maybe the Chicago office had something open. His mother was always after him to come home. He could do the right thing, walk away from this and let the good guys win.
Reid was still glaring at the opposite wall of the elevator, angry, though he idly wondered if and when someone was going to show up to find out what had happened to the elevator. "Fine. Well, now Haley's gone, and you have him. Enjoy," he said bitterly, and hit the button to get the elevator to move again, wanting suddenly to cry.
Morgan reached out and hit the button again, turning to glare at Reid. "You really don't care enough about him that you could put up with me, too? I know I've been hard on you sometimes, but am I really that bad?" God, shut up, Derek, he told himself. What kind of glutton for punishment are you?
Reid clenched his jaw. "Why should I have to compromise?! Why should I have to be the third wheel, or settle for having whatever it is you can spare, your leftovers? I'm not going to follow after the great sex god Derek Morgan and pick up whatever he leaves behind for me, thinking how generous he is to us little people who can't get a date." Reid shook his head, trying to shove down the emotion that was suddenly coming over him, and pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes so he didn't have to look at Morgan anymore. "I can't-- I-- I thought-- I thought you did care about me. How could you do this to me?" he finally blurted, and was horrified by the way his voice cracked.
"Are you really that blind?" Morgan demanded, staring at him. "This isn't about leftovers, Reid! It's about you! It's about taking a chance and maybe making all three of us happy!" He shook his head, hating the guilt Reid's emotions made him feel. "I do care about you, and that's why I thought maybe this could work!" He clenched his jaw and looked away, mentally kicking himself. He should have known better.
Reid shook his head. No matter what Morgan said, Reid couldn't imagine being happy in this arrangement. He was quiet for a long moment, stilling the hurt inside him until all that left was a feeling of defeat. "I don't know how you expected me to see this, Morgan, but it would always feel that way to me. You're more attractive than I am, better with people, closer to his age..." Reid sighed. "You win. I concede." He wasn't happy about it, though. Maybe he would put in for a transfer to Las Vegas. He pushed the elevator button again.
"Oh my God, Reid!" Morgan's hand shot out and slapped the button to stop them again. "You have got to be the--" He broke off and seized Reid's shoulders, bearing him back against the elevator wall. "You are the stupidest genius I know," he growled, and kissed Reid hard.
Reid gasped, and automatically hit Morgan hard in the chest with his fist before he realized what Morgan was even doing. He wasn't sure what he'd expected Morgan to do -- not hurt him, surely -- but it certainly wasn't this, and he hadn't expected it to be good. He made a startled noise as soon as Morgan's tongue slipped past his lips though, and returned the kiss automatically, suddenly even more confused, but letting his hand drop away, not on the defensive anymore. Morgan pulled back once Reid was panting for breath, and Reid just stared at him, his mouth hanging open in shock.
"You, Reid," Morgan said breathlessly. His heart was pounding--and he wasn't sure if the pain in his chest was from that or from Reid punching him. Morgan searched Reid's eyes, trying to find any comprehension there. He'd just kissed Reid after years of wanting to, and somehow it was totally different from kissing Hotch. But God, it felt good. "You're the man I've wanted for so long, you idiot, but I knew I'd end up hurting you if...so I just kept it to myself, because that was all I could do for you." He tightened his grip on Reid's shoulders. "But I thought if Hotch wanted us both, and we both wanted him...maybe you and I could work something out, too."
Reid stared at Morgan, not knowing what to say. He started to speak, but the words wouldn't form, so he finally closed his mouth when he thought he could breathe normally. Morgan wanted him. Morgan wanted him. Reid couldn't help but want to ask why, but he knew that didn't really matter. Morgan had kissed him. Reid didn't need further proof.
Hotch and Morgan both wanted Reid. It was a sudden, shocking, and amazing thought... and completely overwhelming. "They're... going to check on the elevator soon," he panted, obviously stalling, unable to put together a reasonable reply to Morgan's words.
It wasn't the answer Morgan had been hoping for--it wasn't an answer at all--but he had a feeling it was going to take Reid some time to process this, even with his big brain. And it wasn't an outright refusal. Reid had kissed him back. So there was something there, which was more than Morgan had really expected. He nodded slowly, his lips curling a little. "We seem to have 'bad luck' with elevators, don't we, pretty boy?" he murmured. He leaned in and kissed Reid again, his mouth soft against Reid's, then stepped back, giving him space.
Morgan's kisses did things to Reid that nearly frightened him; they made Reid's body tingle and crave more -- which was slightly annoying, because Reid still wanted to be angry with Morgan. Reid had never so much as considered Morgan an option before, only Hotch. He'd only ever looked at Hotch, thinking he shouldn't even be doing that much. He stared at Morgan for a moment, breathless and a little lightheaded at the way Morgan was looking at him -- the way Morgan always looked at him, he realized; he'd just never seen it before. "Yeah, we really do," he breathed, and hit the button a final time.
Part Two
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-02-11 12:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-11 01:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-24 09:10 pm (UTC)*trots off to read*
no subject
Date: 2009-02-25 12:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-25 03:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-16 05:09 am (UTC)I just watched that elevator scene earlier today on youtube...makes me laugh every time
no subject
Date: 2009-04-20 03:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-21 10:44 pm (UTC)re: Having it All
Date: 2011-10-19 10:39 pm (UTC)Did the elevator have a security cam and will this tape have a special place of honour in Garcia's collection (you know she'll have one!)
Re: Having it All
Date: 2011-10-20 05:25 pm (UTC)