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geekystudmuffinTitle: Inappropriate (But Unavoidable) (1/2)
Authors:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innerslytherin and severity_softly
Pairing: Hotch/JJ
Rating: PG
Word count: ~17,500
Summary: After breaking up with Will, JJ eventually can't hide her pregnancy from her boss. What she doesn't expect is for Hotch to step in as a surrogate father...and she certainly doesn't expect for her own feelings about Hotch to change as her pregnancy progresses.
Notes: Mild AU--JJ succeeded in breaking up with Will in "In Heat". We Feng Shui'ed canon where we needed to from there (part of Lo-fi, Will's role in fatherhood, etc.). ;) Thanks tonebula99 for fact-checking the whole pregnancy/motherhood thing, and for darkhawkhealer for additional info.
This is part of the "What Happens in Vegas" universe. The first fic in that universe, Why You Should Never Drink Too Much in Vegas, does NOT need to be read first, but will hopefully add to your enjoyment when read in company with this fic.
"At this point, we have eight victims..."
Reid came into the bullpen in time to hear JJ. He interrupted, frowning. "Nine, actually. The woman at the ATM was pregnant."
JJ sucked in a breath and looked at the tabletop, telling herself to ignore the little wash of fear that hit her. She dealt with this every day. Of course, not terrorism exactly, but she knew she was stronger than to let fear get to her more just because she happened to be pregnant too.
Still, her hand was pressed lightly to her stomach before she even noticed it.
"JJ."
She jerked her gaze back up to Rossi's. "Yeah?" she asked, realizing she had tuned out for a moment, and then somehow managed to put all the little bits and pieces of herself back in order to pay attention to the conversation.
She knew that Rossi had noticed her slip. It was silly to think the others might have overlooked it. Still, she'd tried to focus on the case, put the woman at the ATM out of her mind. By the end of the day, she'd almost quit flinching at unexpected noises. She was on her way out the door to meet Reid at the SUV when someone touched her arm. She jumped, then tried to collect herself as she turned.
"Hey." Hotch was looking at her oddly, and concern was evident in his quiet voice. "I know you're heading to Port Authority, but could I talk to you for a minute?"
"If you think we have a minute, sure," she said, gathering her things. She tilted her head at him before he responded, though. It didn't take a profiler to know why he was coming to her. "I'm okay, if that's what this is about," she said, nodding and giving him a thin smile. "I can do my job."
"JJ, you haven't been yourself today. Reid can go by himself to Port Authority. You know your greatest value to the team is as liaison to the press and the public." He was studying her face closely, and she knew she probably wouldn't be able to keep her secret much longer. Of course, she thought wryly, this sort of secret has a way of telling itself.
"I know, but this team? It's my family," she said. It was true. She hadn't decided if she was even going to keep the baby when she'd broke things off with Will in Miami. But now that she had, she knew she was going to need them even more, especially since she'd ended things with Will. He was a sweet man, and she liked him a lot, but she'd realized she didn't love him when she'd realized she was pregnant. "And I've done more dangerous things than going to talk to Port Authority."
"I know you have," Hotch said. "But I get the feeling there's something going on. Something's bothering you." His brows drew together. "You know you can always talk to me, right?"
"Yeah," she said, then looked down. It was useless to hide it now, and Hotch really was probably the first person she should tell on the team. Not to mention, she trusted him completely. And yet, knowing all of that that, it was still ridiculously hard to say it out loud. "The woman at the ATM..." she said, after the silence drew out and he hadn't moved. It doesn't make you any less of an agent, she told herself firmly, them shook her head to herself and looked up at Hotch, forcing the next words out. "Hotch... I'm pregnant."
She saw his eyes widen, the genuine surprise on his face. And she thought she saw something unexpected, something that looked like hurt. Then his brows drew down again and he said, "How long have you known? You shouldn't be in the field, not on a case like this." He paused, then said, more quietly still, "JJ, you could have told me."
JJ's lips parted and she drew a slow breath. God, he was hurt. "I know. I'm sorry. I just-- um, two months, I think."
Hotch nodded slowly. "The, ah...father...?" He looked like he wasn't sure how to phrase the question, or what he even wanted to ask, so JJ took pity on him.
"Is not in the picture. My choice, not his."
He nodded again. "JJ, I..." He shook his head. "I'd like you to go back to the hotel instead of going with Reid. To be honest, I'm not sure what the protocol is for expectant mothers, but I'd prefer not to have you in the field right now. This case is too volatile, the targets too random."
"Hotch, I am perfectly capable of doing my job. I told you that," she said, an edge of defense slipping into her voice. She crossed her arms over herself and watched him, and when it looked like he was about ready to protest again, she stopped him, "And if I am perfectly able to do my job, then I would expect you to allow me to do it."
She knew, even as she spoke the words, that this was exactly the reason she hadn't told her team sooner.
Hotch's frown was deepening, but he sighed. "You are perfectly able to do your job," he said, "but this part isn't necessary. You don't need to be putting yourself and your child at risk, not when your primary function is as liaison." He rubbed the back of his neck, looking out at the bullpen, where everyone but Agent Joyner was gone. "JJ, I trust your judgment," he said at last. "But please understand that no one will think you're not doing your job if you choose to stay at the field office from here on out."
JJ sighed, and followed Hotch's gaze. "I will," she said, and pressed her lips together, waiting for Hotch to look back at her. "Reid's waiting for me."
He nodded, still frowning. "Be careful. And I will be checking protocol for pregnant agents, so keep in mind that the situation may change." She nodded and turned to go, then paused as he touched her shoulder. "Let me know when you're ready to tell the others, if you'd like me to be there with you."
She looked up at him for a long moment. "I don't need anyone to hold my hand. I just... need everyone to treat me like they always have," she said, but she was smiling anyway. She knew Hotch cared about her, about the whole team, but the offer warmed her anyway, and the weight of his hand felt steadying. "Thanks, Hotch," she said quietly.
He nodded and let her go then, though she imagined she could feel his gaze on her back until she reached the elevator. When she looked back, he was turning towards Kate Joyner, and she couldn't tell if he'd really been watching her or not.
***
In the aftermath of the New York City case, JJ thought Hotch had forgotten about what she had confided in him. He didn't say anything about it when he and Morgan returned to Quantico, and throughout the hunt for whomever was impersonating the Angel Maker, JJ kept waiting for the topic of her pregnancy to come up. Finally, when he sent them home without him and hadn't said a word about it, she decided to begin looking for someone who could fill in for her, but not plan to leave until she went into labor.
Hotch looked more relaxed when he came in after his impromptu road trip, and somehow she wasn't surprised if he stopped by her office one day and asked if she would join him for lunch.
She smiled at him, darting a quick glance behind him. He was alone, and she couldn't help but wonder if they were going to do more talking about the baby, and how she shouldn't be in the field. "Sure," she said, then spun in her chair to get her purse out from under her desk. "Are you feeling better?" she asked from under the desk, but when she looked back up, he was just watching her.
After a moment, he seemed to realize she was waiting on him to say something, and he frowned. "I'm sorry, what?"
She held a sigh. "I asked if you were feeling better?" she said again, raising her voice just barely.
He made a face and shrugged. "Aside from the fact that I'm still not hearing perfectly? Fine." He waited for her to go ahead of him. "How are you feeling?"
JJ huffed a laugh. "Other than getting sick seemingly at least once a day for the past six weeks and the pressing desire to pee every five minutes, I'm great," she said under her breath. She doubted he really wanted to know any of that, and if she was truthful, she didn't want to talk about it either, at least not in any more detail than that. "Speaking of which, I'll meet you at the elevators."
Hotch cocked his head like he didn't catch all of what she'd said, but he nodded. "See you there in a few minutes," he said. She frowned, wondering if he was going to try to talk her into taking a desk job until she had her baby, but just broke off in the other direction to use the restroom.
When she got back to the bullpen, he was waiting near the door, which he held for her. She told herself quickly that it was just Hotch, and that was the sort of thing he did, before her mind could start getting more ideas about him treating her differently. God, maybe this had been a mistake. Maybe this whole thing was going to ruin her career.
The elevator doors were dinging shut behind them a few moments later, and she pursed her lips and looked over at him. "Where are we going?"
Hotch smiled. "Where do you feel like? I was thinking about sandwiches, but you may have more of an appetite than I do, these days." JJ couldn't help smiling at the hint of teasing in his voice. She wasn't sure if it was true, but it had always felt like he joked around more with her than the others. As much as Hotch ever joked, anyway.
"Actually, I could kill for some sushi right now," she said, just to see how he'd react.
He lifted his eyebrows. "Well, aside from the obvious health concerns for you, I find that idea all together unappealing," he said, looking mildly amused. "I could do Japanese though, if you'd prefer."
JJ tried to suppress her mischief, but she knew he could probably tell she was joking. "What about Chinese?" she suggested. "Since we don't have Spence with us. And I'm definitely getting my money's worth out of all-you-can-eat buffets these days."
The elevator stopped and he led the way out. "Sure, sounds good," he said. She could hear his amusement, though his expression hadn't changed. "I can drive, unless you really want to."
JJ grinned. "No, really, that's fine."
By the time they'd reached the restaurant and loaded their plates, they'd exhausted small talk. JJ didn't know if she was supposed to think this was just a casual lunch, or if Hotch knew she was on her guard for another 'attack' on her work status. Finally she set her chopsticks down and decided to bite the bullet.
"So, Hotch. Not that I don't appreciate lunch, but...what's going on?"
He had the grace to look mildly guilty, then poked at his rice. "To be honest, I just wanted to see how you're doing."
She watched him for a moment, then folded her hand and leaned toward him, her lips curling up. "I'm fine. Nothing has changed."
He tilted his head to the side.
"Okay fine. I'm a little tired, and a little moodier than normal, and my pants are starting to get a little tight," she said. "But otherwise--"
"You're kidding," Hotch said, cocking an eyebrow at her. "You're moodier than normal?" At the death glare she shot him, he started laughing. "JJ, you keep forgetting, I've been through this before." He paused, glancing down, and the amusement faded from his expression. After a moment, though, he looked up again. "I just thought...since the father's not in the picture...you might appreciate having someone to talk to." He shrugged. "I keep meaning to see if Haley left any of Jack's baby things in one of the closets, but...well, you know how much time I've spent at home lately. Which is to say, virtually none."
JJ just stared at him for a long moment, trying to stuff down the sudden surge of emotion his words caused. Hotch took care of his team, but this was well above and beyond the call of duty. She shouldn't have been surprised, really; it wasn't as though she didn't already know Hotch was the noble sort. Still, she'd be lying to herself if she told herself she wasn't starting to feel overwhelmed doing this by herself. "You don't have to do any of that, Hotch. You don't need to play surrogate."
She swallowed, and then reached across the table to cover his hand with hers, giving him a serious, grateful look. "Thanks, though."
He closed his fingers around hers, smiling at her. "Hey, I know it's not easy," he said. He glanced around, then leaned forward as if imparting a secret. "To be honest? I was terrified of Jack. And I'm just the dad." He squeezed her hand lightly then released it, sitting back again. "Have you talked to your parents about this? I know the team is your family, and of course you can rely on all of us...but it would be good for you to have a support network." He coughed, then. "I'm sorry, I know it's none of my business."
She found herself shaking her head quickly. "No. It's fine." As long as this was like this, and not him hiding her away in a field office simply because she was pregnant, she suddenly liked the idea of him being there for her. "I told them as soon as I knew," she said. "They're not happy that I'm not married, but... they'll get over it."
Hotch nodded. "As soon as they see their grandbaby, they'll forget all about wishing you had a husband," he predicted. "Anyway, I'm sure they'd rather you be happy in your marriage than marry hastily and regret it." A slight shadow crossed his expression, but it vanished as quickly as it had appeared. "How are you feeling about the whole thing? Excited yet, or mostly nervous?"
She couldn't help wondering if he was just lonely for Jack and willing to take any chance he could get to share parenthood stories. After all, Gideon wasn't around any more, not that he'd ever been much of a dad, from the sounds of it. No one else in the BAU even had children, except Strauss, and Hotch certainly wasn't going to get chummy with her.
"Mostly nauseous," she said, and grinned at him. "I can't make up my mind. But it's nervous now, at least, and not terrified." She picked up her chopsticks and pushed her food around a bit.
Hotch smiled. "For what it's worth, I think you'll be a great mom, JJ." He glanced down at his food and started eating again, as if he thought he'd said too much. He was such a mystery sometimes. Especially now that Haley was gone, JJ knew he had to be a little bit lonely, but he never seemed to let anything show. He concentrated on the job, logging at least as many hours as she did, and probably more. It made her a little sad, even though she couldn't help but respect how dedicated he was to the job.
They ate in silence for a bit longer, and she felt oddly warm, safe. Which was ridiculous, considering they were just sitting at a restaurant, but Hotch had that effect, and JJ suddenly realized how much she needed it right now. After a long pause, she stabbed at her orange chicken, and drew a steady breath, a question that had been nagging her more and more lately springing to the surface and refusing to be pushed down.
"I... I haven't told the father yet," she said, forcing the words to be loud enough for him to hear. She looked up at him then, making herself meet his gaze, and she wasn't sure if she was trying to prove to herself that she was strong enough to handle however he reacted, or if she was hoping desperately he wouldn't judge her. "Is that terrible of me?"
Hotch looked back at her, his gaze steady. "I don't think it's terrible," he said. "Though I do think that, when you're ready, he deserves to know." Hotch paused. "That is...JJ..." He cleared his throat. "I assumed you had been seeing someone for some time...am I right in thinking that person is the father?"
She tried to smile, but it didn't feel quite right. "Yeah," she said, then licked her lips and poked her food another moment. "I didn't tell him because I knew he'd propose to me."
His eyebrows went up, then he nodded. "Well, I'd rather you be happy than marry hastily and regret it," he said, repeating his line from earlier. "And I'm glad to know I don't have to hunt him down and kill him for treating you badly," he added, smiling faintly at her.
That startled a laugh out of her, and she gazed at him warmly for a long moment. "No. No, you don't," she said through the laughter, and then cleared her throat. "I'm the idiot that didn't want to marry a perfectly sweet man who loved me." The smile was fading before she finished the sentence, but it didn't fall off. "I'm an affront to my gender."
Hotch's eyebrows went up again. "You're a smart, extremely talented woman who doesn't want to compromise on the matter of marriage," he contradicted. "And your child will be happier knowing that his parents both love him very much, even if they aren't married to each other."
"His?" JJ said, raising her own eyebrows.
"Or her," Hotch amended, and she laughed.
"Your words have a practiced sort of feel to them," she said. Of all people, she could recognize a standard line when she heard one. "Let me guess, you've been telling yourself that to get over the guilt you feel about the divorce."
His expression changed, and only then did she realize how relaxed he had looked.
"I'm sorry," she began hastily, but he shook his head.
"No, you're right. It was something Reid said, and I figured he would know. But I'm not sure I have myself convinced." His voice was quiet.
"So you're spouting lines at me that you don't even buy yourself," she accused.
He shrugged. "I thought I'd be more convincing than Reid."
She propped her head in her hand and watched him for a moment. "I'd rather you be honest, even if it scares me."
His gaze had never left hers, but he was quiet for a time. Then he said, "Honestly? I don't know."
She stared at him, and yet again fought a sudden swell of emotion, this one more unidentifiable than the ones before. She dropped her gaze to the table. "Can you repeat that? I need to get my phone and get a recording."
He laughed unhappily and started to poke at his food again. "I'm still making this parenting thing up as I go along, and I don't get as much practice as I'd like."
She nodded slowly, and took another bite, letting the words hang in the air for a moment. Finally, she said, "That's what I need to hear, Hotch." She looked back up at him. "All the 'right' answers in the world , as reasonable as they sound, don't take away the reality that I'm... that I don't have any answers that are really that cut and dry."
He nodded. "No one does," he said. "But I mean it when I say that you'll be a great mom. You care so much about people. No child will ever feel more loved than yours." He smiled faintly at her. "You'll do all right."
A smile bloomed on her face slowly. "Thanks," she murmured, watching him. "For... everything."
***
It wasn't a conversation that JJ wanted to have, but she knew she couldn't put it off. New York had been a nightmare, though, and she'd put off talking to Will for as long as possible. She told herself it was partially to do with wanting to let herself unwind after such a tense case before she threw herself back into another stressful situation. She had a feeling Will would try everything he could to get them to be together again.
In the end, she wound up putting things off until it was starting to become impossible to hide her stomach. Or her boobs. She still could. Barely. But it was a stretch. So she took a weekend off, after clearing it with Hotch, and flew to Louisiana. She wasn't planning to stay the whole weekend, but she took the extra day just in case.
Will had been a little confused about why she was coming to New Orleans, of course, but she'd just told him they needed to talk, and asked if they could meet for dinner. She'd done her best to gently prepare him for the fact that she wasn't asking to get back together, but as she walked into the French Quarter restaurant he'd suggested, she couldn't help being nervous that he hadn't understood. The maître d' guided her back to their table, and she was relieved to see Will hadn't arrived yet. She'd come fifteen minutes early for their reservation to try to beat him. If she was already sitting down, the table would help hide 'Junior' until she'd already told him.
He arrived shortly after her, dressed nicely and carrying a bouquet of flowers. Not roses, thank goodness, but lilies and other flowers she couldn't name. She smiled at him, but didn't stand as he came around and kissed her cheek.
"JJ, you are lookin' absolutely beautiful," he murmured, settling down in the chair next to hers.
"Thanks," she said, and ran a hand through her hair, looking at the flowers. "Will, you didn't need to buy me flowers; I told you--"
"My mama raised me with some manners, and one rule I never break is you always take flowers when you're havin' dinner with a pretty lady." His smile looked a little sad. "Of course, another rule is you should never be late to dinner with a pretty lady, and I apparently broke that one tonight. I hope you weren't waitin' long."
She shook her head. "No, I just got here a few minutes ago. I ordered you a beer," she said. She'd considered ordering him something stronger, but then decided against it.
The smile that broke across his face then was more genuine, more like the Will she'd felt so drawn to. "Thanks. How's your family? Everythin' going okay at work?"
"Oh, the same," she said, and was suddenly thankful he hadn't known she was pregnant during the New York case. The last thing she would have needed was another man telling her she shouldn't be in the field.
They talked for a while, catching up. It had been a couple of months since they'd last seen each other, and Will had been busy too. They ordered their food, and JJ waited for the perfect time to 'drop the bomb.' She wanted him to be as at ease as possible, but she also wanted to be mostly finished with the meal, so that if she wound up needing to retreat from a needy ex, she could do so reasonably.
When they'd both declined dessert and were just waiting for the bill and lingering over their drinks, she finally decided she wouldn't have a better opportunity. He was working on his second beer, so he'd relaxed somewhat, and she finally took a deep breath and told herself to get it over with.
"Will," she began quietly, "you know I said we needed to talk."
"Sure," he said, his tone easy. "But don't worry, I've figured out by now that you ain't here to get back together."
She nodded and wondered what he thought it was about, but she wasn't about to ask. She chewed the inside of her lip a moment, and then just forced the words out in as steady a way as she could, not dropping his gaze. "I'm pregnant."
He stared at her for a full thirty seconds before he even sucked in a breath. "You're...Oh, God." His face lit up in a smile. "You're pregnant?" A moment later the smile dimmed and he shook his head. "But..."
She resisted the urge to drop her head into her hands. He didn't understand her decision not to come back to him now. God. "I'm pregnant," she repeated. "With your baby," she added, as if she really needed to.
He gave her a look that seemed part hurt and part indignation. "Of course with my baby," he said, and then frowned down at the table. "But JJ, I don't understand. You oughtta know how happy that makes me. I mean, I want to do the right thing. I want to have a family." He looked up at her again.
"I know," she said quickly. "Trust me, I know, Will, and you're going to be a part of our baby's life. Just because I don't want... us, doesn't mean I don't want our baby to have his father."
His expression went hurt again, but he shook his head. "I...I'm sorry I'm not the man you want, JJ. But I...Are you sure? It'll be hard raising a child by yourself. I can be there for you. I can--" He cut himself off with a noise that was almost a laugh. "No, I guess I can't. I'm sorry. If there's one thing I know about you by now, it's that you know your own mind." He nodded. "I won't try to change your mind about me, but I'm glad you want me to be involved...did you say his? Are we havin' a boy?"
"Or her," she said, and almost rolled her eyes at herself, glad Hotch hadn't heard her say 'his'. "I'm barely even showing, so I won't know for a while. Actually, I'm not really sure I want to know."
"Yeah, it's sort of excitin' if you don't know," Will agreed. He gazed at her for a minute, a funny smile on his face. "My God, we made a little person, JJ. When are you due?"
"Not for another few months," she said, smiling at him now that he didn't look shocked, confused or hurt anymore. She felt her shoulders start to loosen, and she hadn't even realized they were tense.
"You're gonna be a great mom, JJ," he said. "What do you want me to do? How can I help you?"
"That's sort of up to you, isn't it?" she asked. "I mean, I'm fine on my own, but I want you to be around one he's... or she's born, of course, as much as you want to be."
"I want to be around as much as you'll let me," he replied. "I'm gonna be a Dad. Wow." He looked up at her. "If...if it's a boy, could we name him after my father? Oh, except you'll want to name the baby Jareau, won't you. But it would mean a lot..."
"William's fine," she said quickly. She honestly hadn't thought much about last names, so she didn't say anything about that. Instead she grinned and reached over the table to take his hand. "We're going to be parents," she said.
His smile widened, and he gave her hand a squeeze, looking happier than she'd seen him in a long time.
***
JJ was grateful that there was no further talk of her taking a desk job from Hotch for the remainder of her pregnancy. Even after the standoff at Liberty Ranch, Hotch didn't bring it up. He did leave two books about pregnancy and motherhood (discreetly wrapped) on her desk, but since he didn't give them to her in person, she decided he didn't want her thanks.
It was charming, in a way, how he seemed to have decided to be part of her 'support network', as he termed it. She let him stand in support as she told the team about her pregnancy, and he hadn't said a word, but he didn't need to. The silent strength was enough. At the same time, she hoped he wasn't doing it out of a sense of obligation. After all, he already had a son; he didn't need her and her baby to take care of.
Anyway, he had enough on his mind. He obviously wasn't bouncing back from the terrorist plot in New York City as well as he wanted everyone to think. It wasn't just his hearing that was still recovering, that much was obvious. She could see the way he questioned himself more now, and it hurt with an almost physical pain. One thing she had always been able to rely on was Hotch's keen and clear sense of right and wrong, his inherent knowledge of how to proceed. She had never really seen him doubt himself, and it was painful.
After they rescued the Corbins from Floyd Hansen, Rossi suggested they stay another night in Nevada. JJ had noticed the complex way Hotch and Rossi related to one another, how there was always that air of history between them, but somehow the way Hotch deferred to him that night was different from the way he often looked to Rossi for his opinion. JJ had been pacing in her room for over a quarter of an hour, debating with herself, before she finally convinced herself that he needed company, and she was going to provide it.
Whether he liked it or not.
Reid and Rossi were having a friendly argument in the hallway, and she lifted her hand in a little wave as she passed them and went around a corner toward Hotch's room, which also happened to be the same direction as the elevators, so neither Reid nor Rossi batted an eyelash.
She got to Hotch's door and knocked, and it didn't take long for him to answer.
"JJ."
"Hey," she said, smiling at him. "You busy?" she asked, knowing he wouldn't be.
"No," he said. "I was just watching TV."
He still had a hint of that lost expression he'd been wearing lately on his face. She doubted he'd been watching TV, so much as staring at it and going over every last minute of the last case in his head.
Her lips pulled to the side and she craned her neck to look inside. "I'm not interrupting anything good, I hope."
"Uh..." He glanced blankly at the TV, then shrugged. He obviously had no idea what was playing. "It didn't really keep my interest. Do you want to come in? Is everything all right?"
She rolled her eyes at the way he always automatically assumed she was running to him for help. Maybe it was a father's reaction: Daddy, I broke it, will you fix it? "Everything's fine," she said, still smiling. "I couldn't find anything good on TV."
He nodded and stepped aside, and she walked in, suddenly very aware that she'd never had occasion to be in Hotch's room when it wasn't on work-related business before. It felt a little strange suddenly, and she wondered if she should have dragged him out. Except that she didn't think either of them actually felt like going out.
She stroked a hand over the increasingly large swell of her belly, and settled herself carefully in a chair in his room. "I was thinking we could raid the minibar and play drinking games," she teased.
Hotch laughed, then looked surprised that he'd done so. "If you don't mind playing drinking games with decaf tea," he replied, going to the sink. She watched as he started water heating, then came over to sit on the edge of the bed facing her. "How's Junior?"
"Good legs for soccer," she said, and was pleased when he smiled again, and on cue she got another kick to the stomach. "Mrr," she groaned, and rubbed at the spot that had been kicked.
"Takes after his mom, huh?" Hotch said, smiling faintly when she scowled at him.
"Why are you so sure it's a he?" she demanded, and Hotch shrugged.
"Let's see, Junior is assaulting you on a regular basis, causing nausea, and holding you captive. Most unsubs turn out to be male..." He broke off and ducked as JJ grabbed a hotel pen off the table and threw it at him.
She started laughing when the pen bounced off his shoulder instead of the hand he'd put up to block it. "Ha, some reflexes," she said, and then gasped, and reached out for his hand. She pulled him back toward her and placed his hand over her stomach where 'Junior' was busy doing something inside her. "I think... it's interpretative dance, actually."
Hotch's expression softened, his lips automatically quirking up. He opened his mouth, but didn't speak, and after a moment the smile faded from his face again. It made JJ realize she was holding her boss' hand, and that this would definitely be considered inappropriate touching if she weren't ridiculously pregnant. She licked her lips and smiled, telling herself not to be stupid. "I can't tell whether he'll be more into country or rock'n'roll," she joked.
Hotch didn't pull away, but his expression went oddly uncertain. "I would have thought jazz," he ventured after a moment.
Oh. He knew it was Will. She didn't know why she was so surprised. Hotch seemed to know everything, despite his recent self-doubt. "Somehow I don't think so," she said with forced lightness. She let his hand slip out of hers, and he sat back.
She shifted in her seat. "The water is probably done," she said, and watched as he went to make the tea.
God, if he knew, the others probably did too, and she had the fleeting impulse to apologize for becoming involved with a detective on a case they were working, but she squashed it. She hadn't come here to talk about herself. She'd come here to make Hotch feel better.
"Sorry," Hotch said when he came back. He held out a cup, the tea bag still in it. "It's really not my business. You need to learn to tell me that." He gave her a brief smile. "You remember what you said about this team being your family? I suppose it goes without saying that I feel the same."
Her return smile was stronger than his. "It's all right." She fiddled with the tea bag for a moment. "I like that you care about us, about our personal lives." Gideon never had, not really. Maybe it was because he wanted to be given the same privacy he allowed to the others, but whatever the reason, the end result was that JJ had never felt connected to Gideon the way she had to Hotch. Or maybe it was just because she didn't play chess like Reid and Prentiss, but she and Hotch were both interested in the fate of the Washington Redskins.
Hotch shrugged. "I try to respect everyone's privacy, but I do care about you. About everyone on the team." He shifted and leaned over to throw his tea bag in the trash, then held the trash bin out for her to do the same.
"Hotch," she said slowly, "I...You shouldn't blame yourself for the Corbins. They're alive. We got to them in time."
Hotch drew in a long breath, looking into his cup.
"And when it comes to telling you it's none of your business, same goes for you," JJ added.
Hotch shook his head. "We got to them before he killed them, but we could have got them sooner."
"We're lucky we got to them at all," she said. "This was as good an ending to a case as we can get, Hotch." Privately she'd never been sorry when the unsub didn't make it out alive, though she wasn't sure that Hotch, or any of the others, shared her views.
"I was standing in that motel lobby, JJ," he said quietly. "I spoke to him." He sighed and rubbed a hand across his forehead. "You've known me for a long time," he said after a moment, looking up at her. "Am I losing my edge?"
She opened her mouth to respond, but then didn't know what to say at first. For one thing, she hadn't expected the question, but for the other, he had been a little off, and at times, stupidly stubborn since New York. And she wasn't going to lie to him. "You haven't been yourself lately. Doubt can to terrible things to great agents, and you're the best agent I know." She paused and licked her lips, watching him for any sign that she was saying the wrong thing. "You're one of the best people I know," she added.
His lips thinned. "But I'm doubting myself," he said quietly, and she wasn't sure if he meant it as a question or a statement, but she nodded. "I drove the bomb straight to the hospital, JJ. I pushed myself to get back to work, to prove I could... And then even after I put Dave in charge of negotiations at Liberty Ranch, I questioned him, I argued... Maybe I'm burning out."
"You're not burning out," she replied. "You just need to really let yourself rest. What did you do during your medical leave?"
He darted a look at her that was definitely guilty.
"You read professional journals and used Morgan's guilt to get information about the cases we worked without you," she accused.
His silence was answer enough.
She sighed and pushed herself out of her seat, then settled next to him on the bed. "You need to rest."
"So says the woman who's about five minutes from pushing an entire human being out of her body and is still chasing serial killers," he said, turning and giving her a smile that didn't look quite right.
"Fair enough, but I'm going to rest once that happens." She rubbed a hand over her stomach, but her gaze didn't leave his face. "You almost got blown up. I hope to God that giving birth is less traumatic than that," she said. Not to mention he'd lost a friend in the same day. "And I'd bet that it is, so... rest."
Hotch smiled faintly. "I think it's slightly less traumatic, but I would never dream of making light of your accomplishment," he said. After a moment he wrapped an arm around her shoulder in a brief hug. "Thank you." Then he pulled back, looking awkward. "I'm probably keeping you up past Junior's bedtime, aren't I?" he teased.
"I only have myself to blame," she said. "After all, I'm the one who came and interrupted..." She glanced at the TV for the first time. "Um...giant wasps attacking earth?" she said, then started laughing. "Tell me I caught you in the middle of flipping channels," she said, grinning back at him.
He looked at her, seeming bewildered, then turned his gaze to the TV. "They weren't that big earlier, I think," he said, then sighed. "I wasn't really paying attention."
She couldn't help but laugh again, this time a little louder. The sudden impulse to wrap her arms around him and pull him into a tight hug surprised her, though, and she bit her lip and looked down to keep from doing anything stupid, still fighting laughter.
"It's better than watching the news," Hotch said, shrugging. But he gave her a faint smile. "Anyway, movies like this are better than comedy. You should watch one with Reid sometimes. He'd be lecturing right now on the technical possibility of giant wasps destroying the White House."
She looked back at him, her gaze traveling his face. She doubted she'd fixed anything tonight, but he was smiling, at least. It looked good on him. It always did. A strange expression flitted across his face suddenly, and she realized she was just staring at him. She looked away. "I really should go to bed," she said lightly, and started to push off the bed, but she didn't get very far.
She breathed a laugh. "Little help?" she said, and planted a hand on his knee to push. A second later one of his hands was on the small of her back, the other on her arm, and he was standing with her, supporting her a little. "Beds are too soft. If I give you a key, will you come pull me out of mine in the morning?" she teased, and then wondered if that was overstepping considering how strange she was suddenly feeling about this.
Hotch laughed, his hand rubbing a small circle on her back. "If I don't hear from you by seven, I'll send Prentiss in to check on you," he promised. Then he went still, apparently realizing how familiar he was being. She told herself she wasn't disappointed when he straightened and stepped away from her.
She nodded, offering him a smile she hoped looked natural. "Good plan," she said. "Don't stay up too late watching insects attack, okay? Wheels up at eight."
Hotch gave her a flat look, but she just laughed and headed for the door. As she pulled it open, she heard him say, "Sleep well, JJ."
She turned and looked over her shoulder at him. "You too, Hotch" she murmured, watching him a moment longer, and then let herself out.
***
JJ knew she ought to be cutting back on her time in the office, but she couldn't help herself. She had so much to get done before she went out on leave, and there was still so much to teach Jordan Todd. She thought Jordan would be able to fill in for her all right, but she wanted to leave things as tidy as possible for her.
So she was still at her desk at seven-thirty when Emily stuck her head in the office door.
"Hey, Jayj, Hotch sent me to make you leave," she said, grinning. "He says you're working too hard."
JJ laughed. "Tell him I'll leave when he does, and if he has anything to say about it, he can tell me himself," she joked, shuffling papers on her desk.
"I'm not the message girl," Emily said. "Come on, you haven't had supper unless you've had it delivered via window. We can grab something to eat and that way Hotch won't fire me for not making you leave." She folded her arms and leaned against the wall, and JJ could tell she wasn't going to relent.
JJ snorted. "Fine. Fine," she said, filing a few more things, and then levering herself out of her chair. "I swear, I keep organizing these things, and it never looks any neater than when I started," she said, surveying the files stacked on her desk and hoping Todd would be able to find anything in the jumble.
"That's because serial killers never stop until we stop them," Emily replied, falling in next to JJ and not batting an eye when JJ detoured for the bathroom. "And you're the lucky person who gets to see them all first. I can't imagine how anyone's going to replace you, even temporarily."
"You'll all be fine. Todd'll be fine," she said, he voice echoing over the bathroom stall and against the tile walls. "She has the instincts, I think."
"I hope so," Emily said. When JJ came back out, she was inspecting her fingernails. "Did you know she and Morgan had some kind of run-in before you brought her in?" Her lips were curved in a mischievous smile.
"Some kind of run-in?" JJ repeated.
Emily's smile widened. "The man threw away a perfectly good coffee so he could get in line behind her and hit on her. And she called him on it." Emily was actually giggling as she remembered it. "You should have seen his face after you and Todd walked away from us that day you introduced her."
JJ felt the smile on her own face broadening impossibly. "Oh, that's fantastic," she said, washing her hands, and then swatting Emily's arm after she did. "Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?" She shook her head, and lead the way back out into the office. "Never mind. But now I feel for you having to deal with a pouty Morgan for a few months."
Emily laughed. "Or worse, having to watch that strut. Every day."
JJ laughed, too. "Oh my God, yes."
Once they were back in the hall, they let the conversation drop until they were in the elevator, then JJ shook her head. "I can't believe Jordan didn't tell me about that. I mean, I know she doesn't know me very well, but still."
Emily shrugged. "She probably doesn't want you having to worry that she won't be able to do the job. I mean, Morgan can be distracting, but eventually we all learn to ignore him." JJ snickered, but Emily didn't give her a chance to say anything before continuing. "Then again, some people apparently are drawn to a different sort of man."
JJ glanced over at Emily. "Sure," she said slowly. It was an odd thing to say, but Emily very possibly saw more than she did. "She doesn't strike me as the Reid sort, though. I think she'd terrify him before they got to the first date."
Emily's eyebrows went up. "Oh, I didn't mean Reid," she said. "Not that he's not utterly adorable, but no. Actually, Jayj, I wasn't even talking about Todd." She gave JJ an expectant look.
JJ's eyebrows lifted to, and she watched Emily for a long moment. It took JJ a minute to realize what Emily was talking about. Shit. Over the last few weeks, she'd been spending more time with Hotch, and had found herself, to her own horror, thinking about him when she had no reason or right whatsoever. But it wasn't anything serious. Or at least she kept telling herself that because it couldn't be.
That was the last thing she needed. If having a baby wouldn't negatively impact her career, falling for the boss would.
"I'm hormonal, and needy at the moment, and he's being helpful. That's all," she said after a pause, shaking her head. "I'm in the mood for pizza and a milkshake."
"Riiiiight," Emily said, grinning. "Which is why he sent me over to make sure you didn't tire yourself out? Yes, those were his words. It's kinda cute, actually."
"It's also just Hotch," JJ argued. "He cares about us all. I just happen to be built something like a Weeble with legs at the moment."
Emily snorted. "Jayj, you're gorgeous, and you ought to realize that. You look so much happier these days... And I think Hotch has noticed that, that's all. I mean, he's divorced, he's allowed to look."
"Okay, so what?" JJ said finally, and gave Emily a look. "So he's allowed to look, and maybe... I'm allowed to look at him now, too. So what?" The wicked smile blooming on Emily's face did not bode well, and JJ rolled her eyes and frowned and walked out of the elevator without looking back.
"So what?" Emily repeated, catching up with her and hooking an arm through hers. "So I think you want to do more than look. And I think he does too." She gave JJ a mischievous look. "Come on, tell the truth, hasn't it at least occurred to you?"
"Yeah, it has," JJ admitted. "Followed immediately by the fact that he's my boss, and I'm having another man's baby," she argued, but she tightened her arm around Emily's.
"And he's far too ethical to let something like that change how he treats you at work," Emily pressed, "and he knows all about the baby and the baby's father. And seems to care only about you." She nudged JJ gently.
JJ groaned in frustration. "Em, I'm not convinced he cares on anything more than a friendly level. He's too ethical to date a team member." She sighed as Emily guided her to her car. "God, can we not talk about this, please?"
Emily held up her hands. "All right, all right. But you know, too ethical isn't the same as not caring." She smiled softly and then changed her tone. "So, how 'bout them Redskins?"
Part Two
Authors:
innerslytherin and severity_softlyPairing: Hotch/JJ
Rating: PG
Word count: ~17,500
Summary: After breaking up with Will, JJ eventually can't hide her pregnancy from her boss. What she doesn't expect is for Hotch to step in as a surrogate father...and she certainly doesn't expect for her own feelings about Hotch to change as her pregnancy progresses.
Notes: Mild AU--JJ succeeded in breaking up with Will in "In Heat". We Feng Shui'ed canon where we needed to from there (part of Lo-fi, Will's role in fatherhood, etc.). ;) Thanks to
nebula99 for fact-checking the whole pregnancy/motherhood thing, and for darkhawkhealer for additional info.This is part of the "What Happens in Vegas" universe. The first fic in that universe, Why You Should Never Drink Too Much in Vegas, does NOT need to be read first, but will hopefully add to your enjoyment when read in company with this fic.
"At this point, we have eight victims..."
Reid came into the bullpen in time to hear JJ. He interrupted, frowning. "Nine, actually. The woman at the ATM was pregnant."
JJ sucked in a breath and looked at the tabletop, telling herself to ignore the little wash of fear that hit her. She dealt with this every day. Of course, not terrorism exactly, but she knew she was stronger than to let fear get to her more just because she happened to be pregnant too.
Still, her hand was pressed lightly to her stomach before she even noticed it.
"JJ."
She jerked her gaze back up to Rossi's. "Yeah?" she asked, realizing she had tuned out for a moment, and then somehow managed to put all the little bits and pieces of herself back in order to pay attention to the conversation.
She knew that Rossi had noticed her slip. It was silly to think the others might have overlooked it. Still, she'd tried to focus on the case, put the woman at the ATM out of her mind. By the end of the day, she'd almost quit flinching at unexpected noises. She was on her way out the door to meet Reid at the SUV when someone touched her arm. She jumped, then tried to collect herself as she turned.
"Hey." Hotch was looking at her oddly, and concern was evident in his quiet voice. "I know you're heading to Port Authority, but could I talk to you for a minute?"
"If you think we have a minute, sure," she said, gathering her things. She tilted her head at him before he responded, though. It didn't take a profiler to know why he was coming to her. "I'm okay, if that's what this is about," she said, nodding and giving him a thin smile. "I can do my job."
"JJ, you haven't been yourself today. Reid can go by himself to Port Authority. You know your greatest value to the team is as liaison to the press and the public." He was studying her face closely, and she knew she probably wouldn't be able to keep her secret much longer. Of course, she thought wryly, this sort of secret has a way of telling itself.
"I know, but this team? It's my family," she said. It was true. She hadn't decided if she was even going to keep the baby when she'd broke things off with Will in Miami. But now that she had, she knew she was going to need them even more, especially since she'd ended things with Will. He was a sweet man, and she liked him a lot, but she'd realized she didn't love him when she'd realized she was pregnant. "And I've done more dangerous things than going to talk to Port Authority."
"I know you have," Hotch said. "But I get the feeling there's something going on. Something's bothering you." His brows drew together. "You know you can always talk to me, right?"
"Yeah," she said, then looked down. It was useless to hide it now, and Hotch really was probably the first person she should tell on the team. Not to mention, she trusted him completely. And yet, knowing all of that that, it was still ridiculously hard to say it out loud. "The woman at the ATM..." she said, after the silence drew out and he hadn't moved. It doesn't make you any less of an agent, she told herself firmly, them shook her head to herself and looked up at Hotch, forcing the next words out. "Hotch... I'm pregnant."
She saw his eyes widen, the genuine surprise on his face. And she thought she saw something unexpected, something that looked like hurt. Then his brows drew down again and he said, "How long have you known? You shouldn't be in the field, not on a case like this." He paused, then said, more quietly still, "JJ, you could have told me."
JJ's lips parted and she drew a slow breath. God, he was hurt. "I know. I'm sorry. I just-- um, two months, I think."
Hotch nodded slowly. "The, ah...father...?" He looked like he wasn't sure how to phrase the question, or what he even wanted to ask, so JJ took pity on him.
"Is not in the picture. My choice, not his."
He nodded again. "JJ, I..." He shook his head. "I'd like you to go back to the hotel instead of going with Reid. To be honest, I'm not sure what the protocol is for expectant mothers, but I'd prefer not to have you in the field right now. This case is too volatile, the targets too random."
"Hotch, I am perfectly capable of doing my job. I told you that," she said, an edge of defense slipping into her voice. She crossed her arms over herself and watched him, and when it looked like he was about ready to protest again, she stopped him, "And if I am perfectly able to do my job, then I would expect you to allow me to do it."
She knew, even as she spoke the words, that this was exactly the reason she hadn't told her team sooner.
Hotch's frown was deepening, but he sighed. "You are perfectly able to do your job," he said, "but this part isn't necessary. You don't need to be putting yourself and your child at risk, not when your primary function is as liaison." He rubbed the back of his neck, looking out at the bullpen, where everyone but Agent Joyner was gone. "JJ, I trust your judgment," he said at last. "But please understand that no one will think you're not doing your job if you choose to stay at the field office from here on out."
JJ sighed, and followed Hotch's gaze. "I will," she said, and pressed her lips together, waiting for Hotch to look back at her. "Reid's waiting for me."
He nodded, still frowning. "Be careful. And I will be checking protocol for pregnant agents, so keep in mind that the situation may change." She nodded and turned to go, then paused as he touched her shoulder. "Let me know when you're ready to tell the others, if you'd like me to be there with you."
She looked up at him for a long moment. "I don't need anyone to hold my hand. I just... need everyone to treat me like they always have," she said, but she was smiling anyway. She knew Hotch cared about her, about the whole team, but the offer warmed her anyway, and the weight of his hand felt steadying. "Thanks, Hotch," she said quietly.
He nodded and let her go then, though she imagined she could feel his gaze on her back until she reached the elevator. When she looked back, he was turning towards Kate Joyner, and she couldn't tell if he'd really been watching her or not.
***
In the aftermath of the New York City case, JJ thought Hotch had forgotten about what she had confided in him. He didn't say anything about it when he and Morgan returned to Quantico, and throughout the hunt for whomever was impersonating the Angel Maker, JJ kept waiting for the topic of her pregnancy to come up. Finally, when he sent them home without him and hadn't said a word about it, she decided to begin looking for someone who could fill in for her, but not plan to leave until she went into labor.
Hotch looked more relaxed when he came in after his impromptu road trip, and somehow she wasn't surprised if he stopped by her office one day and asked if she would join him for lunch.
She smiled at him, darting a quick glance behind him. He was alone, and she couldn't help but wonder if they were going to do more talking about the baby, and how she shouldn't be in the field. "Sure," she said, then spun in her chair to get her purse out from under her desk. "Are you feeling better?" she asked from under the desk, but when she looked back up, he was just watching her.
After a moment, he seemed to realize she was waiting on him to say something, and he frowned. "I'm sorry, what?"
She held a sigh. "I asked if you were feeling better?" she said again, raising her voice just barely.
He made a face and shrugged. "Aside from the fact that I'm still not hearing perfectly? Fine." He waited for her to go ahead of him. "How are you feeling?"
JJ huffed a laugh. "Other than getting sick seemingly at least once a day for the past six weeks and the pressing desire to pee every five minutes, I'm great," she said under her breath. She doubted he really wanted to know any of that, and if she was truthful, she didn't want to talk about it either, at least not in any more detail than that. "Speaking of which, I'll meet you at the elevators."
Hotch cocked his head like he didn't catch all of what she'd said, but he nodded. "See you there in a few minutes," he said. She frowned, wondering if he was going to try to talk her into taking a desk job until she had her baby, but just broke off in the other direction to use the restroom.
When she got back to the bullpen, he was waiting near the door, which he held for her. She told herself quickly that it was just Hotch, and that was the sort of thing he did, before her mind could start getting more ideas about him treating her differently. God, maybe this had been a mistake. Maybe this whole thing was going to ruin her career.
The elevator doors were dinging shut behind them a few moments later, and she pursed her lips and looked over at him. "Where are we going?"
Hotch smiled. "Where do you feel like? I was thinking about sandwiches, but you may have more of an appetite than I do, these days." JJ couldn't help smiling at the hint of teasing in his voice. She wasn't sure if it was true, but it had always felt like he joked around more with her than the others. As much as Hotch ever joked, anyway.
"Actually, I could kill for some sushi right now," she said, just to see how he'd react.
He lifted his eyebrows. "Well, aside from the obvious health concerns for you, I find that idea all together unappealing," he said, looking mildly amused. "I could do Japanese though, if you'd prefer."
JJ tried to suppress her mischief, but she knew he could probably tell she was joking. "What about Chinese?" she suggested. "Since we don't have Spence with us. And I'm definitely getting my money's worth out of all-you-can-eat buffets these days."
The elevator stopped and he led the way out. "Sure, sounds good," he said. She could hear his amusement, though his expression hadn't changed. "I can drive, unless you really want to."
JJ grinned. "No, really, that's fine."
By the time they'd reached the restaurant and loaded their plates, they'd exhausted small talk. JJ didn't know if she was supposed to think this was just a casual lunch, or if Hotch knew she was on her guard for another 'attack' on her work status. Finally she set her chopsticks down and decided to bite the bullet.
"So, Hotch. Not that I don't appreciate lunch, but...what's going on?"
He had the grace to look mildly guilty, then poked at his rice. "To be honest, I just wanted to see how you're doing."
She watched him for a moment, then folded her hand and leaned toward him, her lips curling up. "I'm fine. Nothing has changed."
He tilted his head to the side.
"Okay fine. I'm a little tired, and a little moodier than normal, and my pants are starting to get a little tight," she said. "But otherwise--"
"You're kidding," Hotch said, cocking an eyebrow at her. "You're moodier than normal?" At the death glare she shot him, he started laughing. "JJ, you keep forgetting, I've been through this before." He paused, glancing down, and the amusement faded from his expression. After a moment, though, he looked up again. "I just thought...since the father's not in the picture...you might appreciate having someone to talk to." He shrugged. "I keep meaning to see if Haley left any of Jack's baby things in one of the closets, but...well, you know how much time I've spent at home lately. Which is to say, virtually none."
JJ just stared at him for a long moment, trying to stuff down the sudden surge of emotion his words caused. Hotch took care of his team, but this was well above and beyond the call of duty. She shouldn't have been surprised, really; it wasn't as though she didn't already know Hotch was the noble sort. Still, she'd be lying to herself if she told herself she wasn't starting to feel overwhelmed doing this by herself. "You don't have to do any of that, Hotch. You don't need to play surrogate."
She swallowed, and then reached across the table to cover his hand with hers, giving him a serious, grateful look. "Thanks, though."
He closed his fingers around hers, smiling at her. "Hey, I know it's not easy," he said. He glanced around, then leaned forward as if imparting a secret. "To be honest? I was terrified of Jack. And I'm just the dad." He squeezed her hand lightly then released it, sitting back again. "Have you talked to your parents about this? I know the team is your family, and of course you can rely on all of us...but it would be good for you to have a support network." He coughed, then. "I'm sorry, I know it's none of my business."
She found herself shaking her head quickly. "No. It's fine." As long as this was like this, and not him hiding her away in a field office simply because she was pregnant, she suddenly liked the idea of him being there for her. "I told them as soon as I knew," she said. "They're not happy that I'm not married, but... they'll get over it."
Hotch nodded. "As soon as they see their grandbaby, they'll forget all about wishing you had a husband," he predicted. "Anyway, I'm sure they'd rather you be happy in your marriage than marry hastily and regret it." A slight shadow crossed his expression, but it vanished as quickly as it had appeared. "How are you feeling about the whole thing? Excited yet, or mostly nervous?"
She couldn't help wondering if he was just lonely for Jack and willing to take any chance he could get to share parenthood stories. After all, Gideon wasn't around any more, not that he'd ever been much of a dad, from the sounds of it. No one else in the BAU even had children, except Strauss, and Hotch certainly wasn't going to get chummy with her.
"Mostly nauseous," she said, and grinned at him. "I can't make up my mind. But it's nervous now, at least, and not terrified." She picked up her chopsticks and pushed her food around a bit.
Hotch smiled. "For what it's worth, I think you'll be a great mom, JJ." He glanced down at his food and started eating again, as if he thought he'd said too much. He was such a mystery sometimes. Especially now that Haley was gone, JJ knew he had to be a little bit lonely, but he never seemed to let anything show. He concentrated on the job, logging at least as many hours as she did, and probably more. It made her a little sad, even though she couldn't help but respect how dedicated he was to the job.
They ate in silence for a bit longer, and she felt oddly warm, safe. Which was ridiculous, considering they were just sitting at a restaurant, but Hotch had that effect, and JJ suddenly realized how much she needed it right now. After a long pause, she stabbed at her orange chicken, and drew a steady breath, a question that had been nagging her more and more lately springing to the surface and refusing to be pushed down.
"I... I haven't told the father yet," she said, forcing the words to be loud enough for him to hear. She looked up at him then, making herself meet his gaze, and she wasn't sure if she was trying to prove to herself that she was strong enough to handle however he reacted, or if she was hoping desperately he wouldn't judge her. "Is that terrible of me?"
Hotch looked back at her, his gaze steady. "I don't think it's terrible," he said. "Though I do think that, when you're ready, he deserves to know." Hotch paused. "That is...JJ..." He cleared his throat. "I assumed you had been seeing someone for some time...am I right in thinking that person is the father?"
She tried to smile, but it didn't feel quite right. "Yeah," she said, then licked her lips and poked her food another moment. "I didn't tell him because I knew he'd propose to me."
His eyebrows went up, then he nodded. "Well, I'd rather you be happy than marry hastily and regret it," he said, repeating his line from earlier. "And I'm glad to know I don't have to hunt him down and kill him for treating you badly," he added, smiling faintly at her.
That startled a laugh out of her, and she gazed at him warmly for a long moment. "No. No, you don't," she said through the laughter, and then cleared her throat. "I'm the idiot that didn't want to marry a perfectly sweet man who loved me." The smile was fading before she finished the sentence, but it didn't fall off. "I'm an affront to my gender."
Hotch's eyebrows went up again. "You're a smart, extremely talented woman who doesn't want to compromise on the matter of marriage," he contradicted. "And your child will be happier knowing that his parents both love him very much, even if they aren't married to each other."
"His?" JJ said, raising her own eyebrows.
"Or her," Hotch amended, and she laughed.
"Your words have a practiced sort of feel to them," she said. Of all people, she could recognize a standard line when she heard one. "Let me guess, you've been telling yourself that to get over the guilt you feel about the divorce."
His expression changed, and only then did she realize how relaxed he had looked.
"I'm sorry," she began hastily, but he shook his head.
"No, you're right. It was something Reid said, and I figured he would know. But I'm not sure I have myself convinced." His voice was quiet.
"So you're spouting lines at me that you don't even buy yourself," she accused.
He shrugged. "I thought I'd be more convincing than Reid."
She propped her head in her hand and watched him for a moment. "I'd rather you be honest, even if it scares me."
His gaze had never left hers, but he was quiet for a time. Then he said, "Honestly? I don't know."
She stared at him, and yet again fought a sudden swell of emotion, this one more unidentifiable than the ones before. She dropped her gaze to the table. "Can you repeat that? I need to get my phone and get a recording."
He laughed unhappily and started to poke at his food again. "I'm still making this parenting thing up as I go along, and I don't get as much practice as I'd like."
She nodded slowly, and took another bite, letting the words hang in the air for a moment. Finally, she said, "That's what I need to hear, Hotch." She looked back up at him. "All the 'right' answers in the world , as reasonable as they sound, don't take away the reality that I'm... that I don't have any answers that are really that cut and dry."
He nodded. "No one does," he said. "But I mean it when I say that you'll be a great mom. You care so much about people. No child will ever feel more loved than yours." He smiled faintly at her. "You'll do all right."
A smile bloomed on her face slowly. "Thanks," she murmured, watching him. "For... everything."
***
It wasn't a conversation that JJ wanted to have, but she knew she couldn't put it off. New York had been a nightmare, though, and she'd put off talking to Will for as long as possible. She told herself it was partially to do with wanting to let herself unwind after such a tense case before she threw herself back into another stressful situation. She had a feeling Will would try everything he could to get them to be together again.
In the end, she wound up putting things off until it was starting to become impossible to hide her stomach. Or her boobs. She still could. Barely. But it was a stretch. So she took a weekend off, after clearing it with Hotch, and flew to Louisiana. She wasn't planning to stay the whole weekend, but she took the extra day just in case.
Will had been a little confused about why she was coming to New Orleans, of course, but she'd just told him they needed to talk, and asked if they could meet for dinner. She'd done her best to gently prepare him for the fact that she wasn't asking to get back together, but as she walked into the French Quarter restaurant he'd suggested, she couldn't help being nervous that he hadn't understood. The maître d' guided her back to their table, and she was relieved to see Will hadn't arrived yet. She'd come fifteen minutes early for their reservation to try to beat him. If she was already sitting down, the table would help hide 'Junior' until she'd already told him.
He arrived shortly after her, dressed nicely and carrying a bouquet of flowers. Not roses, thank goodness, but lilies and other flowers she couldn't name. She smiled at him, but didn't stand as he came around and kissed her cheek.
"JJ, you are lookin' absolutely beautiful," he murmured, settling down in the chair next to hers.
"Thanks," she said, and ran a hand through her hair, looking at the flowers. "Will, you didn't need to buy me flowers; I told you--"
"My mama raised me with some manners, and one rule I never break is you always take flowers when you're havin' dinner with a pretty lady." His smile looked a little sad. "Of course, another rule is you should never be late to dinner with a pretty lady, and I apparently broke that one tonight. I hope you weren't waitin' long."
She shook her head. "No, I just got here a few minutes ago. I ordered you a beer," she said. She'd considered ordering him something stronger, but then decided against it.
The smile that broke across his face then was more genuine, more like the Will she'd felt so drawn to. "Thanks. How's your family? Everythin' going okay at work?"
"Oh, the same," she said, and was suddenly thankful he hadn't known she was pregnant during the New York case. The last thing she would have needed was another man telling her she shouldn't be in the field.
They talked for a while, catching up. It had been a couple of months since they'd last seen each other, and Will had been busy too. They ordered their food, and JJ waited for the perfect time to 'drop the bomb.' She wanted him to be as at ease as possible, but she also wanted to be mostly finished with the meal, so that if she wound up needing to retreat from a needy ex, she could do so reasonably.
When they'd both declined dessert and were just waiting for the bill and lingering over their drinks, she finally decided she wouldn't have a better opportunity. He was working on his second beer, so he'd relaxed somewhat, and she finally took a deep breath and told herself to get it over with.
"Will," she began quietly, "you know I said we needed to talk."
"Sure," he said, his tone easy. "But don't worry, I've figured out by now that you ain't here to get back together."
She nodded and wondered what he thought it was about, but she wasn't about to ask. She chewed the inside of her lip a moment, and then just forced the words out in as steady a way as she could, not dropping his gaze. "I'm pregnant."
He stared at her for a full thirty seconds before he even sucked in a breath. "You're...Oh, God." His face lit up in a smile. "You're pregnant?" A moment later the smile dimmed and he shook his head. "But..."
She resisted the urge to drop her head into her hands. He didn't understand her decision not to come back to him now. God. "I'm pregnant," she repeated. "With your baby," she added, as if she really needed to.
He gave her a look that seemed part hurt and part indignation. "Of course with my baby," he said, and then frowned down at the table. "But JJ, I don't understand. You oughtta know how happy that makes me. I mean, I want to do the right thing. I want to have a family." He looked up at her again.
"I know," she said quickly. "Trust me, I know, Will, and you're going to be a part of our baby's life. Just because I don't want... us, doesn't mean I don't want our baby to have his father."
His expression went hurt again, but he shook his head. "I...I'm sorry I'm not the man you want, JJ. But I...Are you sure? It'll be hard raising a child by yourself. I can be there for you. I can--" He cut himself off with a noise that was almost a laugh. "No, I guess I can't. I'm sorry. If there's one thing I know about you by now, it's that you know your own mind." He nodded. "I won't try to change your mind about me, but I'm glad you want me to be involved...did you say his? Are we havin' a boy?"
"Or her," she said, and almost rolled her eyes at herself, glad Hotch hadn't heard her say 'his'. "I'm barely even showing, so I won't know for a while. Actually, I'm not really sure I want to know."
"Yeah, it's sort of excitin' if you don't know," Will agreed. He gazed at her for a minute, a funny smile on his face. "My God, we made a little person, JJ. When are you due?"
"Not for another few months," she said, smiling at him now that he didn't look shocked, confused or hurt anymore. She felt her shoulders start to loosen, and she hadn't even realized they were tense.
"You're gonna be a great mom, JJ," he said. "What do you want me to do? How can I help you?"
"That's sort of up to you, isn't it?" she asked. "I mean, I'm fine on my own, but I want you to be around one he's... or she's born, of course, as much as you want to be."
"I want to be around as much as you'll let me," he replied. "I'm gonna be a Dad. Wow." He looked up at her. "If...if it's a boy, could we name him after my father? Oh, except you'll want to name the baby Jareau, won't you. But it would mean a lot..."
"William's fine," she said quickly. She honestly hadn't thought much about last names, so she didn't say anything about that. Instead she grinned and reached over the table to take his hand. "We're going to be parents," she said.
His smile widened, and he gave her hand a squeeze, looking happier than she'd seen him in a long time.
***
JJ was grateful that there was no further talk of her taking a desk job from Hotch for the remainder of her pregnancy. Even after the standoff at Liberty Ranch, Hotch didn't bring it up. He did leave two books about pregnancy and motherhood (discreetly wrapped) on her desk, but since he didn't give them to her in person, she decided he didn't want her thanks.
It was charming, in a way, how he seemed to have decided to be part of her 'support network', as he termed it. She let him stand in support as she told the team about her pregnancy, and he hadn't said a word, but he didn't need to. The silent strength was enough. At the same time, she hoped he wasn't doing it out of a sense of obligation. After all, he already had a son; he didn't need her and her baby to take care of.
Anyway, he had enough on his mind. He obviously wasn't bouncing back from the terrorist plot in New York City as well as he wanted everyone to think. It wasn't just his hearing that was still recovering, that much was obvious. She could see the way he questioned himself more now, and it hurt with an almost physical pain. One thing she had always been able to rely on was Hotch's keen and clear sense of right and wrong, his inherent knowledge of how to proceed. She had never really seen him doubt himself, and it was painful.
After they rescued the Corbins from Floyd Hansen, Rossi suggested they stay another night in Nevada. JJ had noticed the complex way Hotch and Rossi related to one another, how there was always that air of history between them, but somehow the way Hotch deferred to him that night was different from the way he often looked to Rossi for his opinion. JJ had been pacing in her room for over a quarter of an hour, debating with herself, before she finally convinced herself that he needed company, and she was going to provide it.
Whether he liked it or not.
Reid and Rossi were having a friendly argument in the hallway, and she lifted her hand in a little wave as she passed them and went around a corner toward Hotch's room, which also happened to be the same direction as the elevators, so neither Reid nor Rossi batted an eyelash.
She got to Hotch's door and knocked, and it didn't take long for him to answer.
"JJ."
"Hey," she said, smiling at him. "You busy?" she asked, knowing he wouldn't be.
"No," he said. "I was just watching TV."
He still had a hint of that lost expression he'd been wearing lately on his face. She doubted he'd been watching TV, so much as staring at it and going over every last minute of the last case in his head.
Her lips pulled to the side and she craned her neck to look inside. "I'm not interrupting anything good, I hope."
"Uh..." He glanced blankly at the TV, then shrugged. He obviously had no idea what was playing. "It didn't really keep my interest. Do you want to come in? Is everything all right?"
She rolled her eyes at the way he always automatically assumed she was running to him for help. Maybe it was a father's reaction: Daddy, I broke it, will you fix it? "Everything's fine," she said, still smiling. "I couldn't find anything good on TV."
He nodded and stepped aside, and she walked in, suddenly very aware that she'd never had occasion to be in Hotch's room when it wasn't on work-related business before. It felt a little strange suddenly, and she wondered if she should have dragged him out. Except that she didn't think either of them actually felt like going out.
She stroked a hand over the increasingly large swell of her belly, and settled herself carefully in a chair in his room. "I was thinking we could raid the minibar and play drinking games," she teased.
Hotch laughed, then looked surprised that he'd done so. "If you don't mind playing drinking games with decaf tea," he replied, going to the sink. She watched as he started water heating, then came over to sit on the edge of the bed facing her. "How's Junior?"
"Good legs for soccer," she said, and was pleased when he smiled again, and on cue she got another kick to the stomach. "Mrr," she groaned, and rubbed at the spot that had been kicked.
"Takes after his mom, huh?" Hotch said, smiling faintly when she scowled at him.
"Why are you so sure it's a he?" she demanded, and Hotch shrugged.
"Let's see, Junior is assaulting you on a regular basis, causing nausea, and holding you captive. Most unsubs turn out to be male..." He broke off and ducked as JJ grabbed a hotel pen off the table and threw it at him.
She started laughing when the pen bounced off his shoulder instead of the hand he'd put up to block it. "Ha, some reflexes," she said, and then gasped, and reached out for his hand. She pulled him back toward her and placed his hand over her stomach where 'Junior' was busy doing something inside her. "I think... it's interpretative dance, actually."
Hotch's expression softened, his lips automatically quirking up. He opened his mouth, but didn't speak, and after a moment the smile faded from his face again. It made JJ realize she was holding her boss' hand, and that this would definitely be considered inappropriate touching if she weren't ridiculously pregnant. She licked her lips and smiled, telling herself not to be stupid. "I can't tell whether he'll be more into country or rock'n'roll," she joked.
Hotch didn't pull away, but his expression went oddly uncertain. "I would have thought jazz," he ventured after a moment.
Oh. He knew it was Will. She didn't know why she was so surprised. Hotch seemed to know everything, despite his recent self-doubt. "Somehow I don't think so," she said with forced lightness. She let his hand slip out of hers, and he sat back.
She shifted in her seat. "The water is probably done," she said, and watched as he went to make the tea.
God, if he knew, the others probably did too, and she had the fleeting impulse to apologize for becoming involved with a detective on a case they were working, but she squashed it. She hadn't come here to talk about herself. She'd come here to make Hotch feel better.
"Sorry," Hotch said when he came back. He held out a cup, the tea bag still in it. "It's really not my business. You need to learn to tell me that." He gave her a brief smile. "You remember what you said about this team being your family? I suppose it goes without saying that I feel the same."
Her return smile was stronger than his. "It's all right." She fiddled with the tea bag for a moment. "I like that you care about us, about our personal lives." Gideon never had, not really. Maybe it was because he wanted to be given the same privacy he allowed to the others, but whatever the reason, the end result was that JJ had never felt connected to Gideon the way she had to Hotch. Or maybe it was just because she didn't play chess like Reid and Prentiss, but she and Hotch were both interested in the fate of the Washington Redskins.
Hotch shrugged. "I try to respect everyone's privacy, but I do care about you. About everyone on the team." He shifted and leaned over to throw his tea bag in the trash, then held the trash bin out for her to do the same.
"Hotch," she said slowly, "I...You shouldn't blame yourself for the Corbins. They're alive. We got to them in time."
Hotch drew in a long breath, looking into his cup.
"And when it comes to telling you it's none of your business, same goes for you," JJ added.
Hotch shook his head. "We got to them before he killed them, but we could have got them sooner."
"We're lucky we got to them at all," she said. "This was as good an ending to a case as we can get, Hotch." Privately she'd never been sorry when the unsub didn't make it out alive, though she wasn't sure that Hotch, or any of the others, shared her views.
"I was standing in that motel lobby, JJ," he said quietly. "I spoke to him." He sighed and rubbed a hand across his forehead. "You've known me for a long time," he said after a moment, looking up at her. "Am I losing my edge?"
She opened her mouth to respond, but then didn't know what to say at first. For one thing, she hadn't expected the question, but for the other, he had been a little off, and at times, stupidly stubborn since New York. And she wasn't going to lie to him. "You haven't been yourself lately. Doubt can to terrible things to great agents, and you're the best agent I know." She paused and licked her lips, watching him for any sign that she was saying the wrong thing. "You're one of the best people I know," she added.
His lips thinned. "But I'm doubting myself," he said quietly, and she wasn't sure if he meant it as a question or a statement, but she nodded. "I drove the bomb straight to the hospital, JJ. I pushed myself to get back to work, to prove I could... And then even after I put Dave in charge of negotiations at Liberty Ranch, I questioned him, I argued... Maybe I'm burning out."
"You're not burning out," she replied. "You just need to really let yourself rest. What did you do during your medical leave?"
He darted a look at her that was definitely guilty.
"You read professional journals and used Morgan's guilt to get information about the cases we worked without you," she accused.
His silence was answer enough.
She sighed and pushed herself out of her seat, then settled next to him on the bed. "You need to rest."
"So says the woman who's about five minutes from pushing an entire human being out of her body and is still chasing serial killers," he said, turning and giving her a smile that didn't look quite right.
"Fair enough, but I'm going to rest once that happens." She rubbed a hand over her stomach, but her gaze didn't leave his face. "You almost got blown up. I hope to God that giving birth is less traumatic than that," she said. Not to mention he'd lost a friend in the same day. "And I'd bet that it is, so... rest."
Hotch smiled faintly. "I think it's slightly less traumatic, but I would never dream of making light of your accomplishment," he said. After a moment he wrapped an arm around her shoulder in a brief hug. "Thank you." Then he pulled back, looking awkward. "I'm probably keeping you up past Junior's bedtime, aren't I?" he teased.
"I only have myself to blame," she said. "After all, I'm the one who came and interrupted..." She glanced at the TV for the first time. "Um...giant wasps attacking earth?" she said, then started laughing. "Tell me I caught you in the middle of flipping channels," she said, grinning back at him.
He looked at her, seeming bewildered, then turned his gaze to the TV. "They weren't that big earlier, I think," he said, then sighed. "I wasn't really paying attention."
She couldn't help but laugh again, this time a little louder. The sudden impulse to wrap her arms around him and pull him into a tight hug surprised her, though, and she bit her lip and looked down to keep from doing anything stupid, still fighting laughter.
"It's better than watching the news," Hotch said, shrugging. But he gave her a faint smile. "Anyway, movies like this are better than comedy. You should watch one with Reid sometimes. He'd be lecturing right now on the technical possibility of giant wasps destroying the White House."
She looked back at him, her gaze traveling his face. She doubted she'd fixed anything tonight, but he was smiling, at least. It looked good on him. It always did. A strange expression flitted across his face suddenly, and she realized she was just staring at him. She looked away. "I really should go to bed," she said lightly, and started to push off the bed, but she didn't get very far.
She breathed a laugh. "Little help?" she said, and planted a hand on his knee to push. A second later one of his hands was on the small of her back, the other on her arm, and he was standing with her, supporting her a little. "Beds are too soft. If I give you a key, will you come pull me out of mine in the morning?" she teased, and then wondered if that was overstepping considering how strange she was suddenly feeling about this.
Hotch laughed, his hand rubbing a small circle on her back. "If I don't hear from you by seven, I'll send Prentiss in to check on you," he promised. Then he went still, apparently realizing how familiar he was being. She told herself she wasn't disappointed when he straightened and stepped away from her.
She nodded, offering him a smile she hoped looked natural. "Good plan," she said. "Don't stay up too late watching insects attack, okay? Wheels up at eight."
Hotch gave her a flat look, but she just laughed and headed for the door. As she pulled it open, she heard him say, "Sleep well, JJ."
She turned and looked over her shoulder at him. "You too, Hotch" she murmured, watching him a moment longer, and then let herself out.
***
JJ knew she ought to be cutting back on her time in the office, but she couldn't help herself. She had so much to get done before she went out on leave, and there was still so much to teach Jordan Todd. She thought Jordan would be able to fill in for her all right, but she wanted to leave things as tidy as possible for her.
So she was still at her desk at seven-thirty when Emily stuck her head in the office door.
"Hey, Jayj, Hotch sent me to make you leave," she said, grinning. "He says you're working too hard."
JJ laughed. "Tell him I'll leave when he does, and if he has anything to say about it, he can tell me himself," she joked, shuffling papers on her desk.
"I'm not the message girl," Emily said. "Come on, you haven't had supper unless you've had it delivered via window. We can grab something to eat and that way Hotch won't fire me for not making you leave." She folded her arms and leaned against the wall, and JJ could tell she wasn't going to relent.
JJ snorted. "Fine. Fine," she said, filing a few more things, and then levering herself out of her chair. "I swear, I keep organizing these things, and it never looks any neater than when I started," she said, surveying the files stacked on her desk and hoping Todd would be able to find anything in the jumble.
"That's because serial killers never stop until we stop them," Emily replied, falling in next to JJ and not batting an eye when JJ detoured for the bathroom. "And you're the lucky person who gets to see them all first. I can't imagine how anyone's going to replace you, even temporarily."
"You'll all be fine. Todd'll be fine," she said, he voice echoing over the bathroom stall and against the tile walls. "She has the instincts, I think."
"I hope so," Emily said. When JJ came back out, she was inspecting her fingernails. "Did you know she and Morgan had some kind of run-in before you brought her in?" Her lips were curved in a mischievous smile.
"Some kind of run-in?" JJ repeated.
Emily's smile widened. "The man threw away a perfectly good coffee so he could get in line behind her and hit on her. And she called him on it." Emily was actually giggling as she remembered it. "You should have seen his face after you and Todd walked away from us that day you introduced her."
JJ felt the smile on her own face broadening impossibly. "Oh, that's fantastic," she said, washing her hands, and then swatting Emily's arm after she did. "Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?" She shook her head, and lead the way back out into the office. "Never mind. But now I feel for you having to deal with a pouty Morgan for a few months."
Emily laughed. "Or worse, having to watch that strut. Every day."
JJ laughed, too. "Oh my God, yes."
Once they were back in the hall, they let the conversation drop until they were in the elevator, then JJ shook her head. "I can't believe Jordan didn't tell me about that. I mean, I know she doesn't know me very well, but still."
Emily shrugged. "She probably doesn't want you having to worry that she won't be able to do the job. I mean, Morgan can be distracting, but eventually we all learn to ignore him." JJ snickered, but Emily didn't give her a chance to say anything before continuing. "Then again, some people apparently are drawn to a different sort of man."
JJ glanced over at Emily. "Sure," she said slowly. It was an odd thing to say, but Emily very possibly saw more than she did. "She doesn't strike me as the Reid sort, though. I think she'd terrify him before they got to the first date."
Emily's eyebrows went up. "Oh, I didn't mean Reid," she said. "Not that he's not utterly adorable, but no. Actually, Jayj, I wasn't even talking about Todd." She gave JJ an expectant look.
JJ's eyebrows lifted to, and she watched Emily for a long moment. It took JJ a minute to realize what Emily was talking about. Shit. Over the last few weeks, she'd been spending more time with Hotch, and had found herself, to her own horror, thinking about him when she had no reason or right whatsoever. But it wasn't anything serious. Or at least she kept telling herself that because it couldn't be.
That was the last thing she needed. If having a baby wouldn't negatively impact her career, falling for the boss would.
"I'm hormonal, and needy at the moment, and he's being helpful. That's all," she said after a pause, shaking her head. "I'm in the mood for pizza and a milkshake."
"Riiiiight," Emily said, grinning. "Which is why he sent me over to make sure you didn't tire yourself out? Yes, those were his words. It's kinda cute, actually."
"It's also just Hotch," JJ argued. "He cares about us all. I just happen to be built something like a Weeble with legs at the moment."
Emily snorted. "Jayj, you're gorgeous, and you ought to realize that. You look so much happier these days... And I think Hotch has noticed that, that's all. I mean, he's divorced, he's allowed to look."
"Okay, so what?" JJ said finally, and gave Emily a look. "So he's allowed to look, and maybe... I'm allowed to look at him now, too. So what?" The wicked smile blooming on Emily's face did not bode well, and JJ rolled her eyes and frowned and walked out of the elevator without looking back.
"So what?" Emily repeated, catching up with her and hooking an arm through hers. "So I think you want to do more than look. And I think he does too." She gave JJ a mischievous look. "Come on, tell the truth, hasn't it at least occurred to you?"
"Yeah, it has," JJ admitted. "Followed immediately by the fact that he's my boss, and I'm having another man's baby," she argued, but she tightened her arm around Emily's.
"And he's far too ethical to let something like that change how he treats you at work," Emily pressed, "and he knows all about the baby and the baby's father. And seems to care only about you." She nudged JJ gently.
JJ groaned in frustration. "Em, I'm not convinced he cares on anything more than a friendly level. He's too ethical to date a team member." She sighed as Emily guided her to her car. "God, can we not talk about this, please?"
Emily held up her hands. "All right, all right. But you know, too ethical isn't the same as not caring." She smiled softly and then changed her tone. "So, how 'bout them Redskins?"
Part Two
