geekystudmuffin | Spiral (2/2), Reid/Rossi, NC-17 (Conscious of Our Treasures universe)

severity-softly.livejournal.com posting in

Title: Spiral (2/2)
Authors:

severity_softly
Pairing: Reid/Rossi
Rating: NC-17/FRAO
Warnings: References to drug abuse
WC: ~18,600
Summary: When Spencer is injured during a case, he and Dave have to deal with the consequences.

This is part of the "Conscious of Our Treasures" universe, all of which can be found at this tag. This is part FIVE. :)

Part One

Spencer's leave passed before he even realized. He'd spent three weeks in Vegas. Too bad Diana Reid had no idea Spencer had been in Vegas at all.

Visiting her had been the plan, but it hadn't exactly worked out that way. Instead, Spencer had spent the first day pacing the hotel room, convincing himself that his mother wouldn't want to see him like this. She wouldn't want to see him hurt, and she'd know something was wrong, very wrong, once she looked in his eyes. She always just knew things.

It was a form of insanity, Spencer knew. That was what it had been called in his meetings at the Beltway Clean Cops. Some of the more jaded among the group had scoffed that Spencer had never "hit bottom" the way they had, but the insanity was there, all the same.

It was insanity--that little voice in his head that somehow was able to reason him into thinking it was okay to stay in his hotel room and maybe take a little more of his prescription than he should; he needed to relax after his injury, after all, and it was a legitimate prescription. It was insanity that had him refilling it again when he ran out sooner than he should have a week later.

Spencer had heard many times that the definition of insanity was to do the same things over and over and expect different results. So he knew it was more insanity when he realized he was out of refills and running low on pills and started considering the options he had to keep himself feeling as comfortable in his own skin as he had for the weeks before. The idea that maybe he'd prove just how low a bottom he could hit this time flitted through his head in his more lucid moments, but the spasm of fear in his chest wasn't hanging around as long the nearer the end of his leave came.

He didn't have any trouble finding out where he would acquire the more illegal of his options in Vegas. He was awkward and uncomfortable dealing with people in general, let alone the sort of people who supplied you with black market prescription drugs, but he knew how to act. He found out where to get it...and then left. He hadn't actually bought any. He hadn't taken that step. But he knew he would.

And he already knew someone in Virginia, if what he had lasted him that long.

Spencer jerked awake out of a haze after three weeks in Vegas. His alarm was going off, and someone was beating on his door. He pulled himself out of bed, his eyes and body heavy, and tried to orient himself.

"Mr. Reid!" someone was calling on the other side of the door. "Front desk!"

"Fuck," Spencer muttered, and then went to open the door.

The young man on the other side of the door's eyes went wide, and Spencer wondered what he looked like, but stubbornly refused to look down. "What?"

"Sir... your alarm has been going off for a while. Other guests are complaining."

Spencer frowned at him for a moment. Then he nodded. "'kay," he muttered, and shut the door without waiting to see if that was it.

He staggered to the bedside table and shut the alarm off, then noticed the message on his phone. It was probably Dave. Dave had called a couple of times, and Spencer hadn't answered. He'd just say he'd been with his mom and gotten home too late.

The twinge of regret that he was lying to his lover was harder to suppress than the fear of losing everything, somehow, but he managed it.

He collapsed against the bed and picked up the phone. Dave's voice sounded tinny: "Spencer, where are you? I'm at the airport, but the front desk says you haven't checked out yet. Call me; I'm worried about you."

"Fuck," Spencer repeated, his heart suddenly racing. He'd missed his flight?! "Fuck."

He ran his good hand through his hair and tried to think. Okay, he'd missed his flight because he was sick. He ate some bad Chinese last night. That would work; Dave was willing to believe anything about Chinese food, just because he hated it. And he didn't answer his phone because he'd been up all night throwing up, and was so sound asleep he didn't hear it ringing.

But he would have to call back now. And he'd have to make new arrangements to get home. He took a deep breath and dialed.

"Spencer?" Dave's anxiety was clear in his voice.

"Hey," Spencer said, and noticed with a funny sort of jolt that he sounded sick without even needing to fake it. "I'm sorry. I overslept. I felt like shit last night."

"God, I've been frantic trying to get in touch with you. I was afraid something had happened. I'm just glad you're okay." Dave cleared his throat. "How's your arm?"

"It's okay," he said, and then wondered if he could talk the doctor into more medication and added, "Still hurts," just in case he wanted to try that option. "I'm sorry. I had some bad Chinese last night and was sick until almost three. I guess I just overslept through my alarm." He rubbed his hand over his face. "I'm really sorry, David." He was, too... just not over what he said he was.

There was a silence, then Dave said, "Hey, it's fine. Have you got a new flight lined up yet?" He somehow sounded like he expected the answer to be no.

"No, sorry. I thought I'd call you first," Spencer said. "You sounded worried on the message." Spencer wished his chest wouldn't ache. He eyed the bottle on his nightstand, knowing that would make it stop, but he just licked his lips and rubbed his eyes. He couldn't afford to miss the second flight he scheduled.

"Yeah, I was." Dave sighed. "Okay, listen, I took a personal day, but I don't want to hang out at the airport all day. Why don't you call me back and let me know when you'll be here, okay?" There was a pause. "I love you, Spencer."

Spencer knew the smile that put on his face was sickly without even looking. He felt sick. This was easier when he'd just been avoiding Dave. "I love you too," he said. "Sorry." He didn't feel like he could say that enough, and yet it didn't seem to alter his desire to swallow a few pills right now just to make this less painful. "I'll call you back."

***

Dave ran his fingers through his hair and glanced at the arrivals board for the tenth time in the last two minutes. He was at the airport again, and Spencer had called a couple of hours ago to let him know he was about to fly out and what time he'd be there. At least he hadn't missed the flight this time.

Dave had spent several anxious hours trying to find Spencer when he hadn't been on his first flight. He'd tried Spencer's cell, the hotel room, the front desk, Spencer's cell again, Bennington...and that was when he'd gotten his first shock. The staff at Bennington Sanitarium were surprised to hear that Spencer was in town. Diana's visitor log had been empty.

That had almost sent Dave into full-blown panic mode, but Spencer's return phone call had interrupted that. Dave had taken the apology at face value, but he had to wonder what else Spencer was apologizing for.

Of course, he had his suspicions--suspicions he didn't like having, but they were there--and when Spencer got off the plane it only looked worse. Somehow, Spencer looked thinner. Dave wondered if he'd been eating, but focused next on how utterly exhausted Spencer looked.

Spencer saw him through the crowd and smiled a weak smile before heading over and wrapping his arms around Dave. His hold was weak, but oddly desperate.

"I missed you," Spencer murmured against his neck.

Dave curled his arms around Spencer and held him tightly. "I missed you, too. That was longer than I ever want to be Spencer-less again." He kissed Spencer's hair and refused to let go. God, suddenly it seemed like a stupid idea to have sent Spencer to Vegas alone.

Spencer didn't seem to mind that Dave's arms were still wrapped around him. "I love you, David," he whispered.

God. There is was again. Spencer normally only called Dave by his full first name during sex or when he was trying to get Dave's attention, and yet this was the second time since Spencer called him this morning that Spencer had called him David. He had a feeling if this was to get Dave's attention, Spencer probably didn't even realize it this time.

"I love you too, Spence," he whispered, squeezing him. "We need to get you home so I can remind you of that." His chest felt tight. He'd fucked up big time.

"Mmm, sounds good," Spencer said, and kissed Dave's jaw. A moment later, Spencer pulled back and smiled at him. It didn't look quite right, but it looked better than the first one Spencer had given him when he got off the plane.

Dave smiled back and touched Spencer's cheek. "Come on, we'll pick up your luggage and get out of here."

Once they were settled in the truck, Dave glanced over at Spencer. "How was your trip?"

"It was fine," Spencer said, brushing his hair behind his ears. "Too short." He smiled and slumped down in his seat. "How was work?" His brows drew together and he looked at Dave.

"Harder without you," Dave said, smiling back at him even though his heart was sinking. "We had a case in West Virginia the first half of your leave, and the second half we spent in Mississippi. I just got back home myself yesterday. I was afraid I was going to miss meeting you at the airport."

Spencer breathed a little laugh. "You sort of did." Spencer pressed his lips together and shrugged. "Sorry." He turned in the seat to face Dave, curling his legs up, and closed his eyes. A minute later, he reached over blindly and took Dave's hand. "I love you."

Dave sighed. It was true that he and Spencer had never spent three weeks apart since they got together...but Spencer was just not this affectionate. He squeezed Spencer's hand. "I love you too." Maybe Spencer had just got his prescription refilled. He'd said his arm was hurting. "Don't worry about it, things happen. You're forgiven."

Spencer opened his eyes and looked at Dave, then murmured, "Thank you." He yawned and closed his eyes again. "I think I'm spoiled with the jet. That flight made me sleepy."

Dave laughed. "Yeah, I hate flying commercial these days." He squeezed Spencer's hand again. "Go to sleep if you want. We'll be a while getting home."

Spencer brushed his thumb over Dave's hand and smiled faintly. "Okay," he said. "Thank you."

Spencer didn't wake when Dave stopped the truck, so Dave carried all Spencer's bags in before coming back out to wake him. He ended up half-carrying Spencer in, he was so groggy from his nap. Dave hoped it was just from his nap, anyway. They made it as far as the living room, then Dave pulled Spencer tightly into his arms, trying to ignore how skinny his lover suddenly felt.

"Mmm," Spencer hummed, placing a trail of kisses up Dave's neck. "Really did miss you. What was that you said about reminding me how much you love me?"

"Right here in the living room?" Dave murmured, smiling and tilting his head to give Spencer better access. He was perfectly fine with that idea.

"Why not," Spencer whispered. "It's not like you haven't fucked me outside in the grass before." He lifted his head and kissed Dave lazily.

Dave laughed into the kiss. He slid a hand into Spencer's hair, holding him there as Dave turned the kiss more urgent, exploring Spencer's mouth to reacquaint himself. God, Spencer was sexy. And wonderful, smart, funny...how could he do this to himself? Dave knew, intellectually, about addiction, and he knew it had nothing to do with being smart or even a genius. But it still killed him that someone like Spencer could struggle with this.

He guided Spencer to the couch, pressing him down gently and lowering himself to kneel between Spencer's knees. "I love you," he murmured, working Spencer's buttons open on his shirt. "I've missed you so much."

When Dave slid a hand up Spencer's bared chest, Spencer moved his hand over Dave's, following its movement over his skin. "Missed the way you touch me," Spencer breathed, sliding down closer to Dave.

"I missed touching you. Missed sleeping with you." Dave shook his head faintly. "You are never allowed to go away for that long again. I admit it. I need you." He kissed Spencer hungrily as his thumb skated across a nipple.

Spencer's breath hitched, then he slid his hand into Dave's hair and wrapped a leg around him. "Show me," Spencer whispered.

Dave grinned and obeyed.

Later, after feeding Spencer what was probably the first good meal he'd had in a week, Dave dragged him into the shower, where he spent some more time showing Spencer how much he'd been missed. By the time they were ready for bed, Dave was tired and a little depressed, despite the comfort of having Spencer home. He could understand Spencer not wanting to talk about it at first, but they'd been together for hours now. Did he honestly think Dave hadn't noticed the difference in him?

He waited until Spencer was settled, then turned out all the lights except the two dim lights that stayed on all night. He'd gotten so used to them that, even while Spencer was gone, he'd kept the reading light by the window on all night. He considered telling Spencer that, but instead he just lay down and stared up at the ceiling, feeling like a stone was sitting on his chest.

After a moment or two of silence, Spencer rolled over and wrapped his arm around Dave, snuggling close. Dave hadn't seen him take anything else, but all he said was a sleepy, "I love you," as he pillowed his head against Dave's shoulder.

Dave sighed. He couldn't sleep in the same bed as Spencer with the lie between them. "How long are you going to lie to me, if you love me so much?" he asked quietly. There was no anger, just a deep hurt that he couldn't ignore.

Spencer didn't say anything, but Dave could feel that he'd tensed a little. After a few moments, Spencer rolled away and crossed his arms over his chest. "What am I lying to you about?" he asked.

"God, don't do this," Dave said. He closed his eyes. "Spencer, I love you. I am not going to walk away. But you can't lie to me. You can't..." He trailed off and shook his head, feeling his eyes sting. He took a shaky breath. "Just tell me the truth, and we'll get through it."

The frown on Spencer's face was deepening, but his expression was apprehensive, and a little fearful. And more than a little defensive. "What am I lying to you about?" he repeated.

Dave clenched his jaw for a moment. "Do you really think I'm that stupid and unobservant?" he asked, still keeping his voice even. "You've lost weight, you're still being a hell of a lot more affectionate than you usually are, and you didn't bother to visit your mother once in the three fucking weeks you were in Vegas. Why are you even trying to lie to me? I'm your lover, Spencer. I know you."

Spencer's lips were parted and he was just staring at Dave. Dave couldn't quite read the expression on Spencer's face, but now he looked like he could easily be sick. "Were you spying on me?" he asked suddenly, and sat up to stare down at Dave.

"Spying on you?" Dave asked, shifting to look at him more comfortably but not sitting up. Spencer could have the more physically dominant position; Dave, after all, had the moral high ground. "I wasn't spying on you. I was scared to death that you'd been in an accident on the way to the airport, but I was trying to exhaust all other avenues of information before calling the hospitals and the LVPD. So I called your cell phone. I called the hotel room. I called the front desk. I called the fucking Sanitarium, where I was informed that Diana Reid has had no visitors for two months. No, I wasn't spying on you, God damn it, I was worried sick!" His voice was rising, and he took a deep breath, trying to calm down a little. It wouldn't help if he got angry; Spencer was already angry and defensive enough for both of them. "And in the meantime you weren't dealing with bad Chinese, you were coming down from a high. Is it just the prescription, or did you find someone to sell you dilaudid?"

Spencer's mouth was hanging open, and somehow his arms had managed to cinch around his chest tighter. A moment later, he huffed a breath that was almost an incredulous laugh, but then he just looked away at the opposite wall of the room. Dave couldn't see his face. He just watched Spencer's back for a moment.

And then Spencer sniffed a little too loudly and started yanking himself free of the covers. He was on his feet and leaving the room before Dave could even respond.

"Hey, don't walk away from me!" Dave growled, climbing out of bed too. He grabbed his robe from the chair and followed Spencer, tugging it on awkwardly as he walked. "Spence, please! Just talk to me. We can get through this." He glared around and headed for the living room; he hadn't seen which way Spencer went, but he'd search the whole damn house if he had to. Spencer wouldn't go outside. Would he?

When he got to the living room, Spencer was curled up in Dave's favorite chair. He'd already flipped the TV on, and was staring at it, though Dave could tell he was just trying to avoid what was actually happening. He wasn't doing a very good job, either. Tears were occasionally rolling down his cheeks.

Dave sighed and walked over to him, then took the remote and turned the TV off. "Talk to me."

"I don't want to talk about it," Spencer said, but his voice wavered, then cracked, and he covered his face with his good hand when the tears got worse.

Dave sighed and tugged Spencer to his feet long enough to sit down and pull Spencer back down in his lap. "I don't either," he admitted. "But we have to. I love you, and I'm not going anywhere, but we have to deal with this." He held Spencer tightly, wishing he could fix this. Wishing he'd never encouraged Spencer to take the morphine. "I'm not angry," he said. "Not much. Mostly I'm hurt that you would think you could hide this from me. And I'm..." He sighed. "I'm sad that you're hurting, that this is so hard for you. Please, Spence, will you talk to me?"

Spencer's chin was quivering, and he kept wiping tears from his cheeks as they fell. "I don't... I don't know what to say, Dave. I'm... sorry." He was sitting stiffly in Dave's lap, not leaning against Dave's chest, as if he thought he didn't really deserve to be held close. "I didn't do anything... I didn't get anything other than what I had." He bit his lips together.

"Spencer," Dave said quietly, "I forgive you." He lifted a hand to stroke his hair, then pulled him closer, trying to get him to relax. "Thank you for apologizing. I'm proud of you for not getting dilaudid." He kissed Spencer's cheek, then brushed his tears away. "We're going to get through this together. Do you understand me? I am not going to make you do this alone. I'm not going to go easy on you, but I'm not going to walk away." He sighed and closed his eyes. God, this was going to be horrible.

Spencer nodded slowly, but it almost looked uncertain. He was leaning against Dave now, but his back was stiff. He was curling the hem of Dave's robe around a finger and not saying anything, sniffling punctuating his silence.

"Talk to me," Dave pleaded, rubbing Spencer's back. He kissed Spencer's cheek and leaned his forehead against Spencer's temple.

"I don't know what to say," Spencer replied. He bit his lips together, and for a moment it looked like he was going to start crying again. Then he just let out a shaky breath instead. "I didn't tell you... because I don't... I wasn't going to stop," he admitted finally.

Dave drew in a long breath, hurt by that admission, but not really surprised. He kept rubbing Spencer's back, taking as much comfort from the contact as he was giving. "Yeah," he said quietly. "It's not the physical pain, is it? What's so wrong with our life that you need to escape, Spence?"

Spencer drew another shuddery breath, then shook his head. "Nothing," he said, and smiled sadly for a brief moment before it slid off his face. "It just-- everything." He sighed. "It makes everything... quiet."

Dave snorted. "It must, if you slept through your alarm," he said, but he tightened his arms briefly around Spencer. "I'm sorry. I failed you, didn't I? I shouldn't have sent you to Vegas alone."

"No," Spencer said immediately, and gave Dave a worried look. "No. I knew what I wanted." His eyes went shiny again, but he finally relaxed just a little against Dave and dropped his head to Dave's shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"Spence, you don't have to keep apologizing. You're forgiven." He stroked his fingers through Spencer's hair, holding him close. "But this has to stop. I'll help you keep Hotch from knowing what happened while you were on leave, but I'm not going to hide it if you abuse drugs while you're on the job."

Dave didn't miss that Spencer tensed again, and then he sighed and rubbed his face. "Do you think he'd give me another week?"

"I think he'd be fine with giving you another week," Dave said. "Is the withdrawal going to be that bad? Should I see if I can get time off, too?"

"I don't know," Spencer said. He sniffed, and then slid his arms around Dave and held him tight. "Dave, I don't know if I can do this again."

"Of course you can," Dave murmured. "You are strong, Spencer. And you have so much in you that is wonderful. I know you can do this." He kissed Spencer gently. "You did it by yourself last time. This time you'll have me. I'll do whatever I can to make it better for you."

"You can't..." Spencer trailed off and sighed, his fingers tightening and curling in Dave's pajamas. "I... I almost had two years," he whispered after a long pause.

"Oh, Spence," Dave murmured, pulling him closer. He hated this. He wanted to take Spencer's pain away. He just wanted to make this all better. And of course he couldn't. He didn't have any personal experience with addiction; though he had an uncle on his mother's side who probably was an alcoholic, he wasn't aware that Benny had ever tried to quit drinking. "I love you," he whispered. He knew that didn't fix anything, but he couldn't stop reassuring his lover that he wasn't going anywhere. It felt like all he really could do.

"I love you too," Spencer whispered. He didn't sound very encouraged. "Can we go back to bed? I need to sleep. I'm not... I'm not totally..." He trailed off and made a vague gesture.

"Yeah, of course." Dave kissed him tenderly, stroking his thumb over his cheek. "You're probably exhausted." And he was probably still feeling the effects of the painkillers, or else coming down off them. Either way, bed was a good idea. Dave loosened his arms to let Spencer get up.

Spencer tugged Dave up after him, and Dave made a mental note to make Spencer a big breakfast tomorrow. Even his hands felt more thin and delicate than they had been. Spencer wrapped his arms around Dave and held him a moment. "I'm sorry," he said again. "And don't tell me to stop saying it."

Dave huffed a noise that wasn't quite a laugh and squeezed Spencer gently. "All right." He pulled back and laced his fingers with Spencer's, then let Spencer lead him to bed. When they got there, he pulled his lover back into his arms, wanting to remind him physically that nothing he did was going to get rid of Dave. Nothing? said a voice in the back of his head. If he can't quit? If he cheats on you? Dave closed his eyes and pushed the questions away. The drugs wouldn't get rid of Dave. Cheating was harder--it had happened before, and he knew it hurt like hell. But if it was tied to the drugs...because Spencer would never cheat on him without them.

He couldn't doubt Spencer. That was what it came down to. He had to believe in him, and so he would. "I love you," he murmured, knowing he was probably annoying Spencer by saying it so often tonight. But he couldn't help it. Maybe it was like Spencer's apologies; but it just had to be said.

***

Spencer didn't feel like getting up the next morning when Dave woke him. He growled and burrowed back under the covers, pressing his face against the pillow. Dave prodded at him for a moment longer, then sighed and went away. After a while Spencer could smell bacon and pancakes and coffee. When Dave came back and dragged the covers off him, he let himself be harassed into putting on Dave's bathrobe. Then Dave forced him out to sit at the kitchen table, and plunked a full plate in front of him. There were eggs, too, fixed just the way Spencer liked them.

"God," Spencer groaned. It all looked fantastic, but he didn't really feel like eating at all. Instead, he reached for his coffee, unsurprised that his hand was shaking. It had been doing that more and more in the mornings, but he'd been fixing that with more of his pills. He curled his fingers around his coffee cup and glanced at Dave. More of his pills weren't an option anymore, he thought, watching Dave for a moment. "Am I allowed to take some Tylenol?" he asked, and knew he shouldn't be so waspish right now, but his body ached and his head hurt... and the food smelled great, but seemed like far too much work to eat and too much for his stomach to take.

Dave looked sharply at him, but instead of snapping back, he just pulled the Tylenol out of the cabinet and shook two out onto Spencer's palm. He poured a glass of orange juice and set it in front of Spencer. Then he loaded his own plate and started eating without paying attention to Spencer at all. It didn't feel like he was ignoring Spencer, though; it was more like he was giving him time to wake up.

Spencer sat there drinking his coffee for a moment, then sat forward and poured an over-generous amount of syrup on his pancakes and bacon. Dave wouldn't be happy until he at least tried to eat. He picked at his bacon for a moment, trying not to drip syrup everywhere with an unsteady hand. He felt like he was trying to swallow stones.

"Sleep all right?" Dave asked after a while. "It was nice to have you in our bed again." He glanced up at Spencer, then back down at his plate. But a moment later his ankle brushed Spencer's under the table.

The touch, more than Dave's failure to rise to Spencer's nastiness a few minutes ago, made Spencer instantly guilty about snapping. He trapped Dave's ankle between his own. "The last few hours were bad," he admitted, staring at his eggs.

"You could have woken me," Dave said, looking up again. Spencer glanced at him, then away. His expression was mild, his gaze open. "I know how hard it is to be awake by yourself in the middle of the night."

"No point in us both suffering," Spencer said, and pushed at his eggs a moment before putting his fork down with a little clatter.

"No point in you suffering alone," Dave replied. "I cooked them too long, didn't I?" He sighed.

"No, they're perfect. I'm just not hungry," Spencer said, and reached for his coffee. "There's nothing you could have done to help."

"You've lost weight," Dave murmured. Spencer could feel Dave's gaze on him.

Spencer pursed his lips, but didn't look up. "You told me that last night."

"Sorry." Dave was silent for a while. "Do you have a follow-up appointment here in Virginia for your arm?"

Spencer stared at Dave for a moment. God, this was awkward, and Spencer's chest felt uncomfortably tight at that because they were never uncomfortable around each other. And here Dave was seemingly searching for a neutral topic of conversation.

God, I fucked up.

"Yeah," he said quietly. He licked his lips and forced himself to cut into his pancakes. He didn't want to eat them at all, but he would if it was going to make Dave stop looking at him like he was.

Dave nodded and sipped his coffee. "I got a letter from Felicia last week. She's going to tell her parents about Susan. She said if I could show up and be...ah, 'out and proud' were her words, I think...that she figured she could, too." His tone was dry, but he was smiling.

Spencer felt like he was chewing sawdust, but his lips quirked a little at the expression on Dave's face. "Good for her," he said around a mouthful that he hadn't managed to swallow yet.

"I wrote her back that you and I had exchanged rings, and if she wanted to thank me for paving the way, she could name her firstborn after us." Dave's smile widened. "I have a feeling her response won't be very polite. But I could be wrong. Maybe I'll end up a godparent, too."

Spencer managed to swallow and breathed a little laugh. "I think having another little 'Davie' running around would be cute." Dave gave him a flat look and Spencer smiled a little wider.

"Maybe it would be little Spencie," Dave retorted, though his lips were curving up. "Or I could tell her your middle name..."

"Don't you dare," Spencer said. He'd been cutting another bite of pancake, but as he was having trouble eating, he frowned and flung it over the table at Dave.

Dave laughed and tried to catch the flying food in his mouth, but missed. "Careful," he said, "I've got the syrup over here." His eyes were dancing with amusement, though, and Spencer felt better at the way the heaviness in the room had dissipated.

"As long as you lick it off me..." Spencer said, gazing at Dave.

"Mmm, now there's a thought," Dave said, grinning at him. "You're just looking for an excuse to drag me into the bath, aren't you?"

Spencer smiled at him and was quiet for a moment. God, he was a fuck up, but he was a lucky one, somehow. "I love you." His chest ached at the words in a way that had nothing to do with the way his body was still protesting sobriety.

Dave's grin dampened, but his gaze was still warm. "I love you too, Spence," he murmured, reaching his hand over to curl around Spencer's. "You know nothing's going to change that."

"I hope not," Spencer said, his own smile slipping a little. He squeezed Dave's hand and looked down.

Dave squeezed his hand back. "Nothing," he repeated firmly, and then stood up and tugged Spencer's hand, leaning over the table to kiss him. "Ever."

***

Dave hadn't wanted to go back to work the day after Spencer got home, but he knew he at least needed to go in for a while, if only to make arrangements to take a few days off. He still hadn't decided what he was going to do when he was ready to leave the house, so he left a note on his pillow for Spencer.

I love you. Call me when you wake up.

Hopefully nothing would come up between now and then that required Dave to make a hasty decision about whether he was flying out with the team or staying behind with his lover.

Hotch and Morgan were already in the office when he got there. Prentiss and JJ were at a meeting, Morgan told him, leaning back in his chair and stretching.

"How's Reid?"

And there was the first obstacle. Dave had already decided to keep quiet about this unless Spencer decided to talk about it. On the other hand, he hated lying to the team. He shrugged and smiled. "Still recovering."

Morgan watched him for a moment, then nodded. "When's he coming back? Sometime this week?"

"I couldn't really tell you that, Derek," Dave said, his smile pulling to one side. "I don't think he knows himself. He has a follow-up doctor visit to get through first."

"Right, right." Morgan grinned and sat up, scooting up to his desk. "Well, tell him he's missed around here."

Dave nodded and continued to his office. Fortunately Hotch was on the phone and just waved as he went past, and Dave was able to settle in and work on some reports.

It was nearly two and a half hours later that his phone rang. Dave was starting to worry, wondering if Spencer would call; Spencer usually didn't sleep so late unless Dave was in bed with him. But Dave supposed Spencer's body was doing a lot of things right now that it didn't normally do.

"Hey," Spencer murmured when Dave answered. He didn't sound awake yet.

"Hi, sexy," Dave said, smiling. "Sorry I had to leave. I didn't think Hotch would believe me if I called in sick. How are you?"

"Ugh," was Spencer's reply. "I want to sleep for a week."

"Mmm, you want me to sleep with you for a week, or should I just stay at work?" Dave liked the idea of keeping Spencer company, though he would be burning most of the rest of his leave time for the year, not to mention possibly inconveniencing the team. Then again, the team would be a good deal more inconvenienced if Spencer came back to them still withdrawing from the painkillers, or if Dave ignored the problem altogether and Spencer came back while abusing either the painkillers or Dilaudid.

"I'd like that, but no. Work." Spencer groaned, and then Dave heard fabric shifting and the reception got a little muffled. Dave wondered if Spencer was still in bed and had pulled the covers over his head.

"Mmm, you sure? I could spoil you." Dave glanced at his door to make sure it was still closed. "I could do all sorts of naughty things to you." He grinned, thinking of how much he liked getting Spencer worked up. It could be fun to talk dirty to Spencer from his office, though he supposed ethically it might be a little shady.

Spencer snorted, and from how it sounded when he spoke, Dave was pretty certain he was buried under the covers. "It might improve my spirits, but I don't think Hotch would approve time off just so you can blow me while I'm cranky."

Shocked, Dave burst out laughing. "Mmm, Spencer, I love you." After a minute he sighed. "Fine, I'll stay at work. But you ought to know that the whole time I'm here, I'm going to be distracted." He glanced at his door again, then leaned back in his chair. "I'll be thinking about you, lying naked in my bed, all alone." He closed his eyes, listening to Spencer's breathing. "I'll be wishing I could be there with you, licking every inch of that long, sexy body of yours."

Spencer sucked in a breath on the other end of the line, then cleared his throat. "Are you in your office?"

"Mmm, do you think I'd be talking like this in Hotch's office?" Dave said, grinning. "Or maybe in the round-table room? No, gorgeous, I'm in my office. Thinking about the last time you were in here with me, and how much I wanted you to climb under my desk and suck me. God, you know how much I love the thought of that?" Dave opened his eyes and glanced at the door, praying he wouldn't see a bemused Hotch standing there. It was still firmly closed. He stood and walked over to look out at the bullpen. "I can't wait to come home to you and lay you out on our bed. I'll take my time pleasing you, starting with your toes and working my way up. I know how much you like it when I lick the back of your knees."

"God, Dave, are you trying to frustrate me?" Spencer asked, sounding breathless. It was ridiculously easy to get Spencer hard and ready, and Dave could just imagine him pressing his hand to the front of his pajamas, against the hardness there, unsure if he should really be touching himself and encouraging Dave to continue.

"Frustrate you?" Dave's grin widened. "Of course not. I'm trying to get you to jack off while I listen. I missed you, you little minx. It was hell going for three weeks without sex. So now I'm imagining the way you look when you're naked and I make you lie there, just waiting for me. I'm remembering the look in your eyes when my fingers trace the crease in your thighs and you know I'm not going to touch your cock yet." He could see Prentiss and JJ coming into the bullpen, and it sent a thrill down to his stomach that he was doing this, talking like this just on the other side of his office wall.

There was shifting of fabric on the other end of the phone. "I'm so not in the mood for this," Spencer grumbled through it, but then the shifting stopped and Spencer drew a shaky breath. "Keep going."

Dave laughed quietly, and obliged. "I like to tease you as long as I can stand it, because the way you writhe with pleasure when I finally close my lips around your cock is the best thing in the world."

Spencer panted softly into the phone. "God," Spencer groaned. "You're evil, and I love that."

"Mmmm, of course you do," Dave murmured, letting his voice lower. "Because you know how much pleasure I can tease out of your body. You love the way I bite and suck at your nipples, and how I run my nails down your ribs. God, just thinking about the way you whimper and yelp when I finally lick a hot trail up your dick...Mmm, I'm getting hard just thinking about that. I'll bet you like that thought, too, don't you? The idea of me sitting here in my office, getting hard because I'm thinking about you."

Spencer whimpered, his breath starting to come a little more heavily. "Are you going to touch yourself too? Lean back at your desk and stroke yourself for me?" he murmured. "Lock your door and shut the blinds."

"Is that what you want?" Dave murmured, already moving to obey. "You want to make me as desperate for you as we both know you are for me." He shouldn't do this, but he didn't give that more than a moment's thought. As soon as he had secured his privacy, he moved towards his desk, one hand working at his belt. "God, just the thought of your gorgeous naked body...Mmm, Spence, I want to press you against the wall and lick my way from your throat down to your chest. I want to suck a mark onto your neck where anyone can see what you've been doing." He got his fly open and eased a hand inside.

He groaned quietly as his fingers curled around his own cock, and Spencer whimpered in response. "Are you really touching yourself in your office?"

"You told me to," Dave said. He let out a shuddery breath and gave himself a slow stroke. "Nnnh, thinking of how your hands feel around my cock. Those long graceful fingers wrapped around me. God, I love your fingers. I love licking them, sucking them...biting them. I love the thought of you running your fingers up your own body, pinching at a nipple just because I say to, then sliding down to squeeze your dick."

"I'll always do anything you tell me to," Spencer panted. "Are you sitting at your desk?"

"Mmhmm," Dave hummed, sliding his fingers along his shaft. "With my blinds shut. God, I wish you were here right now. I'd give anything to be able to fuck you against my desk. Can't wait to come home and touch you. I'll kiss my way down to your cock and take you in deep, that wet heat surrounding you."

"Yes," Spencer moaned. He made a little noise of pleasure, and Dave heard him shifting again. "Maybe when I come back to work, I will crawl under your desk," he murmured. There was a smile in his voice that hadn't been present since he'd called.

"Oh, good, that's a great idea," Dave said distractedly. "Are you touching yourself right now? Tell me what you're doing, Spence." He slid his hand up again and started stroking himself more vigorously.

"I've... been touching myself," Spencer panted. "I just kicked the covers down, and got your pajama bottoms off."

Dave's lips quirked. Spencer occasionally, and for no reason Dave was aware of, wore Dave's pajamas instead of his own. He'd never bothered to question it either, as he sort of liked it. Now, it just seemed oddly arousing.

"You weren't wearing any underwear, were you?" Dave murmured breathlessly. He shifted, his hips thrusting shallowly into his hand. "God, I love your cock. You have the most gorgeous cock in the history of cocks."

Spencer laughed, a low, breathy laugh that went straight to Dave's cock. "Biased," he said. "God, I wish you were here touching me. I wish you were saying that in person, your lips against my ear." Spencer groaned. "Dave... close... keep talking."

Dave hummed into the phone and stroked himself harder. "Close?" he panted, letting Spencer hear how breathless he was. "Your whole body is tingling now, isn't it? Your hips are jerking the way they do when you fuck my mouth, and you're biting your lips to try to hold out longer." Spencer let out a whimper that thrilled him, and he grinned. "This is when I would suck you in deep and hum, or flick my tongue across the head and then take you in deep. You know how much I love it when you come in my mouth, Spence--"

He could hear his lover's ragged breathing across the phone, and at his last words, Spencer cried out. God, that was sexy. Dave's hand sped on his own cock and he stroked himself firmly, closing his eyes and picturing the way Spencer would be sprawled out over the bed, come splashed across his belly.

Spencer was breathing heavily into the receiver, making little wordless sounds of pleasure with each exhalation. "Oh, fuck, Dave," he whispered. "You... you'd... God, you're..."

"No, I'm really not God," Dave panted, still grinning. "Fuck, you're so gorgeous right now...sprawled across the bed, your hair in your face...your come splashed up your belly..." Dave's breath was coming in gasps, and he strained for completion, though he knew he wasn't close enough yet. Spencer always came ahead of him. "This is when I'd roll over and push inside you..." He flicked his thumb across the head of his cock, arching back against the seat, and almost dropped the phone. "I'd fuck you so hard...show you how much pleasure your body gives me...fuck, Spence..."

Spencer was easily the most responsive lover Dave had ever had, and even spent, Spencer was moaning softly at Dave's words. "Love the way you fuck me. Love when you put me on my hands and knees and fuck me into the mattress, make me scream."

"Oh, God, yes," Dave breathed. His chair squeaked as his hips jerked. "Fuck, Spencer, getting there...Just thinking about your ass...on display for me..." He sucked in a breath and stroked harder. "That lean body of yours, and how fucking tight you are..."

"Sliding into me," Spencer murmured, his breath starting to even out. "Your fingers gripping my hips... God, Dave, I can't believe you're stroking yourself in your office. I wish I was there. I wish I could watch you thrust into your own hand."

"Nnn, wish you were here too...want to fuck you in my office. Oh, God, such a bad idea...ffffuck!" He hissed the last word and came, holding his breath. When he finally expelled it in a long sigh, he could feel his entire body melting back into the chair. "God, Spencer," he whispered.

"Mmm," Spencer hummed, the noise sounding content. "I think I might go back to sleep," he murmured, teasing.

"Ah, the life of luxury," Dave said, still trying to catch his breath. He closed his eyes for a moment, reluctant either to move or hang up. "Mmm, that was the best work break I've taken in three weeks. God, I missed you."

"It's too bad it would look suspicious if I was in your office with the door locked and the blinds closed," Spencer said, and then he went quiet for a long moment. Finally, he groaned, and Dave heard him moving again. When he settled, Spencer whispered, "Thank you."

It would be worth it, Dave thought. "You're welcome," he said quietly. "I miss you. I'll try not to be too late tonight."

Spencer yawned. "Okay," He said. "Go back to work."

Dave glanced down at his free hand, sticky with come, and the way he was hanging out of his pants, and laughed. "Right. I'll be distracted all day. Enjoy your nap."

***

The team got called out on a case that afternoon, and Dave didn't come home at all. It wasn't unexpected, but it was disappointing.

It would be so easy for Spencer to go out and get drugs and make the pain of withdrawal go away, but he knew it would do more damage to possibly the first equally giving and loving relationship he'd ever had. As John had told him when he was near a year's sobriety, he'd lose everything he had that was worth having.

He was tempted, though, especially when his hands didn't seem to want to stop shaking. It could have been worse. Much worse. Still, Spencer spent the first few days in bed most of the time, miserable, and didn't start feeding himself properly until day three.

Dave called every night while he was away, and on most nights Spencer managed to talk him into a repeat performance of what Dave had done over the phone on his first morning back. That helped a little, made him forget the aches in his body for a brief moment.

After almost a week away, the team had finally returned to Quantico. Dave called as soon as they landed to promise Spencer he would be home soon. From the anxious tone of his voice, it was almost as if he were trying to give Spencer some advance warning, as if Dave were worried about what he was coming home to. Spencer couldn't blame him for wondering, but it hurt to think that he had shaken Dave's trust in him.

When Spencer heard Dave's key in the lock, he was curled up in Dave's chair with a cup of hot chocolate, wearing Dave's robe. He'd been wearing Dave's things all week, even if they were too short and too big for him. It made him feel a little better, and the smell of Dave on them reminded Spencer to behave. He looked up and smiled softly when Dave came into the living room. "Hey," he murmured.

Dave's smile was warm and broad. "God, I love coming home to you." He dropped his ready bag and jacket on the floor and crossed the room to kiss Spencer thoroughly. "This week has been horrible without you."

"Right," Spencer said. He knew he was a help to the team, but he also knew they functioned without him. He stood and pushed Dave into the chair, and then crawled into his lap.

"It has," Dave said, wrapping his arms around Spencer and burying his face against Spencer's hair. "We needed your help. And I needed you in my bed. I love you, Spence."

Spencer smiled and turned his head to kiss along Dave's jaw. "Mmm," he hummed, lifting a hand to stroke Dave's hair.

Dave's arms tightened around him. After a moment Dave lifted his head and smiled at him again. "You're wearing my bathrobe. I guess if I want to wear it, I'll have to get you naked."

Spencer laughed. He'd been feeling gradually better the last few days, but he needed Dave. "You've had me naked every night for the past week," he teased, kissing Dave.

"Are you complaining about that?" Dave murmured, and kissed him again. He hummed and leaned back, pulling Spencer with him so they could snuggle together. "It is so good to touch you again. Oh, how's your arm?"

"Better," Spencer said. "They're going to cut the cast off next week."

"That'll be good." Dave ran his fingers through Spencer's hair. "How...how's the rest of it?" he asked, his voice hesitant.

Spencer dropped his head to Dave's shoulder and pressed his face to Dave's neck, considering the question for a moment. He was feeling better physically, but he wasn't quite ready to let go of the drugs mentally yet. "Getting there," he said after a long pause.

Dave nodded. "Okay." He tightened his arms for a moment. "I'm proud of you, Spence."

Spencer wished those words could make it all better, but they didn't. Not only did he need to do this for himself, but he knew he'd fucked up in their relationship, even if Dave was proud of him now.

Still, it was nice to hear. "Thank you," he whispered.

"I'm always proud to have you as my lover," Dave murmured. "We're going to get through this."

Spencer nodded, wishing the doing of it was as easy as the saying, but he sighed and kissed Dave's neck, settling closer. "I know," he whispered. As long as you're with me.