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geekystudmuffinTitle: Looking With New Eyes (2/3)
Authors:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innerslytherin and severity_softly
Pairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
WARNINGS: SPOILERS for "To Hell...and Back"
WC: ~21,100
Part One
The summary has spoilers for the Season Four finale, so it's behind the cut.
Summary: A coincidence brings Dave to Aaron's apartment in time to save his life. In the aftermath, Dave realizes he has to tell Aaron things he's been leaving unsaid.
Dave ended up leaving the hospital twice before Aaron was actually released: once to go to Quantico, both to arrange leave with Strauss and to wrap up loose ends with the Foyet case, and once because Derek and Spencer ganged up on him. Derek literally manhandled Dave out of the room while Spencer stayed to talk with Aaron for a while.
Dave grumbled all the way to his house, where he slept for six hours while Morgan watched his plasma TV and made sure he wouldn't try to sneak out. Dave woke up feeling worse than he had before he slept. He showered, changed his clothes, and made Derek take him back to the hospital, where they found Spencer scribbling in a notebook while Aaron pretended to sleep.
It probably had been a good thing Derek made Dave sleep in a real bed for a while, but Dave's ex-wives had been right; he did have a flair for the dramatic, and he'd liked the gesture of not leaving the hospital the whole time Aaron was there.
All the same, he supposed it didn't matter, since as soon as Aaron was released, Dave took him hostage and drove him to Dave's house instead of back to his own apartment. Dave knew he wouldn't have been able to leave Aaron in that apartment alone, but he wasn't sure he could sleep in the apartment himself, after what had happened there.
"I have two guest bedrooms, so stop being idiotic," Dave said finally, and that ended the conversation as far as he was concerned, even if Aaron kept grumbling.
When they pulled into the garage, Aaron let Dave help him out of the car, though he grumbled about that too, making a point to tell Dave he wasn't an invalid. If Dave was totally honest, he just wanted to touch Aaron, but he grumbled back about Aaron being in more pain than he was admitting.
After he got Aaron settled on the couch, he went back for their bags. Aaron was slumped when he got back, he head back against the couch and his eyes closed.
"Want something to drink or anything?" Dave asked. He sat on the couch instead of in his recliner, turning to watch Aaron. For all that Dave could take care of Aaron physically, he didn't feel that he'd made any progress helping him emotionally, and it frustrated him. Dave didn't like feeling helpless.
"I doubt I'm allowed to drink alcohol with pain medication," Aaron murmured.
"You're definitely not," Dave agreed. "But I'm perfectly capable of making a cup of tea. Or coffee if you want. Or Coke?"
Aaron opened his eyes and looked at Dave. "You don't have to do this. I can make tea myself."
Dave gave him a crooked smile. "Maybe I like taking care of you. Makes me feel a little less damned useless."
"Mmm," Aaron hummed, and closed his eyes again. "You saved my life. Some would argue that was pretty useful."
Dave took a breath. "I'm not convinced that you would argue that," he said quietly.
"I'm here for my team. And my son," Aaron said. "I don't want to die, Dave, I was just... okay with it, if that was what was going to happen."
Dave nodded slowly, not sure what to say. After a moment he reached out and rested a hand on Aaron's shoulder, wishing he thought it would help to confess how he felt about Aaron. But the truth was, no matter how amazing and powerful love was, it didn't make problems magically disappear. Dave didn't want to fool himself into thinking that his love was enough to keep Aaron from feeling so tired and defeated that he could resign himself to death so easily. So he didn't say anything, just squeezed Aaron's shoulder and didn't let go.
Aaron sucked in a slow breath. "Our job is dangerous. It's always a possibility. And I'm tired. I think I'd rather die because of my job while I'm still capable of feeling something, than die in a hospital bed at ninety when I've got nothing left in me, so..." Aaron shrugged. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be saying all this. I hate these drugs."
Dave cleared his throat. "I'm glad you say them to me," he murmured. He rubbed Aaron's shoulder lightly, still wishing he could touch him more tenderly.
Aaron just drew a long breath, then let it out. "You're one of my oldest friends." Aaron opened his eyes and looked at Dave again. "Can I help you? With the tea."
Dave smiled. "Sure," he said, pulling away and standing. He waited for Aaron to go ahead of him into the kitchen.
Aaron had been over enough that he knew where the tea was, and he got the bags while Dave went to boil water. He didn't look like moving around was very comfortable, but Aaron could be just as stubborn as Dave at times, so Dave decided not to point it out.
Dave leaned against the counter once he'd put the water on, and just watched Aaron.
Aaron didn't look at him, but just murmured, "You can stop watching me like I might fall apart any time now."
Dave smiled faintly. "I know you better than that," he said. "Maybe I just feel lucky that you're still around."
"I know," Aaron said. He turned around and leaned against the counter too, opposite Dave. "What's bothering you?"
"What's happened in the past few days isn't enough?" Dave deflected. He felt the smile fading. It wasn't that he was bothered by his feelings for Aaron. He just needed time to get them settled back where they belonged, that was all.
Aaron dropped his gaze. "It's more than that."
Dave sighed. "I don't know if I can talk about it," he admitted. "But it's okay. It's not...nothing's wrong, okay?"
Aaron nodded slowly, frowning. "I hope you know you can tell me anything. Trust goes both ways," he said, but he didn't sound upset. His voice was calm.
"There isn't much you don't know about me by now," Dave said, his lips curving again. "You know I trust you." He looked warmly at Aaron, then turned as the kettle began sputtering in preparation to whistle.
Dave saw Aaron nod out of the corner of his eye, and then Aaron went silent, staring at the floor. Dave poured the water, then set the kettle on an empty burner and turned to face him. At this moment it was hard not to just blurt it out: I love you. I'm in love with you.
Aaron looked up at him again, then dropped the tea bags in the mugs, and took the box back to the pantry. He sighed and picked up his mug, then said, "I think I need to sit again for a minute."
"I think that's a good idea," Dave agreed. "You haven't exactly been moving around much the last few days." He touched Aaron's arm and walked with him back to the couch. "Aaron..." He hesitated. God, this couldn't be a good idea. But Emily thought it was. Dave's chest ached.
Aaron draped his arm too casually over his stomach, and glanced at Dave. "Yeah."
Dave licked his lips. "You asked what's bothering me. It isn't...'bother' isn't the right word. But...it's something I've been thinking...realizing for...since I came back to the BAU." He held Aaron's gaze.
Aaron's eyes narrowed as confusion took over his face. "It's been two years, Dave, and you haven't told me?" he asked. "What?"
Dave sighed. "I couldn't figure out how to tell my best friend that I'm in love with him," he finally said. "And I'm still not sure this is the best way."
Surprise crossed Aaron's face, then it was quickly replaced with a smile. That didn't last long either, as Aaron slowly realized Dave wasn't joking. "You're...?" He scrubbed a hand over his face. "Dave."
Dave's lips pulled to one side and he nodded. "I guess I gave myself away the other night, because Emily came right out and told me to tell you. I wasn't sure it would really matter, or make much difference. But...I love you. I'm in love with you." He glanced away. "I'm not asking you for anything. But I couldn't have stood it if you'd died without knowing that."
Aaron looked away too, letting out a gusty breath. "I... I really don't know what to say." He was silent for a moment, then added, "I've never..."
Dave huffed a quiet laugh. "You don't have to say anything," he said, glancing briefly at Aaron, then away again. "I just needed to tell you."
Aaron shook his head, musing to himself, apparently, then looked back at Dave. "I love you too, Dave," he said, but Dave knew he didn't mean it the same way. "I hope you know that." He rubbed at his face again, then tried to get Dave to look at him. "Have I done anything to... encourage this?"
"You're just you, Aaron. I didn't need any encouragement." Dave glanced back at him, smiling faintly. "It doesn't hurt that you don't talk non-stop about Haley any more, I guess."
Aaron laughed quietly, but he still looked slightly stunned. Well, it wasn't the worst that could have happened. "I haven't talked non-stop about Haley since... a long time before you came back."
Dave shrugged. "Look, it hasn't changed anything, has it? I mean, you didn't know. I'm not... I'm not asking you to..." The words wouldn't come out. He supposed he had allowed Emily's encouragement to make him feel like Aaron would probably be glad to hear it. "You just almost died, and I needed to say it."
Aaron shook himself and looked at Dave. "I understand. I should... I should have known. I'm sorry. I'm not... I care very deeply about you, and it's not going to change anything." Aaron paused and looked at Dave, then said, "Why didn't you ever tell me you were attracted to men? You've got to know that I wouldn't have cared."
"Eh, it wasn't ever a big deal. There haven't been many, for one thing, and never while you and I were spending a lot of time together." Dave forced a smile and told himself not to be hurt at Aaron's less-than-excited reaction. There had been exactly three men: one while he was in college, one he slept casually with whenever a book tour or research took him through San Francisco...and Aaron. "Anyway, I didn't really feel like it was a secret I was keeping, since for the most part I like, you know, anyone in a skirt with long legs." He smirked.
Aaron smiled. "Yeah." He shook his head, and his smile twisted a little, then he reached over and covered Dave's hand with his own. "I just... can't help feeling like I should have noticed."
Dave shook his head, glancing down at their hands. "I don't exactly go around ogling men," he said. "You happen to be someone I have always liked, respected, and admired. I never failed to notice that you're handsome, but I never really thought about it because you were married." He lifted one shoulder in a shrug. "But when I came back, your marriage was over, and we settled back into our close friendship so easily...and I realized that you're the most important person to me. You're the kind of man I often wish I could be."
"That's not much of an aspiration," Aaron said. He shook his head and looked away, pulling his hand back. "That's why you wouldn't let me..." He made a vague gesture.
"I wouldn't have let you go anyway," Dave said fiercely. "You're my best friend, Aaron. You have been for almost a third of my life, even if we haven't always stayed in contact. And this team needs you." He shook his head. "But it might have made me a little more desperate than I would have been otherwise."
Aaron nodded, but he didn't say anything for a moment. He took a sip of his tea and looked thoughtful. "I think I should probably take something and lie down for a while."
"Didn't mean to shock you so badly," Dave joked, but he stood. "Let me get your bag. I'm pretty sure I heard the doctor say no heavy lifting for a while."
"Bag's not that heavy," Aaron protested, but Dave just made an annoyed noise and flapped his hand down the hallway for Aaron to go ahead of him.
Aaron settled on the bed and sighed, obviously more tired (or in more pain) than he wanted to admit, and Dave fished out some of his pain pills, shaking two out into Aaron's hand. Aaron glanced up at him. "Thank you," he murmured. "For everything."
Dave smiled at him and nodded. "You know I'm glad I can help." He touched Aaron's shoulder. "Get some sleep. I'll wake you in time for dinner."
Aaron nodded and washed his pills down with tea. He groaned in pain when he leaned down to get an undershirt from his bag, and Dave sort of wanted to touch him again. God, he hoped he could control this now that he'd admitted it.
"Thanks," Aaron said again, and Dave nodded before leaving him to sleep.
***
"You should have made the deal."
Aaron just stared at Foyet. He was tired and the case had been hard, and he just wanted to get this over with. Come on, then, he thought. Let it end.
Foyet's eyes were cold behind the mask, and he began to squeeze...
Aaron's eyes jerked open just as the muzzle of the gun flashed. He stared up at the ceiling, breathing hard, and tried to forget the dream. The painkillers they'd sent home with him weren't as good as the morphine drip. He'd been afraid he wouldn't sleep through the night. Apparently he'd been right.
Holding in a groan, he pushed back the covers and sat up. Maybe a hot drink would help. He could reheat some tea.
He shifted, holding in another whimper, and got out of bed. He didn't remember what time he lay down, but it was dark outside now. He held a hand against his side, over the bandages that covered his stitches, and it didn't help the pain at all, but it made him feel like he was at least trying to help it.
When he got out to the living room, Dave was sitting on the couch. God, Dave. Dave loved him.
"What are you doing up?" he asked, then realized he didn't actually know if it was too late for Dave to be awake. "What time is it?"
Dave lowered his book and checked his watch. "Almost midnight. You doing okay? Can I get you anything?"
Aaron decided not to answer the first question, even if he knew Dave would notice. "I was going to get tea," he murmured.
"Sounds good. I wouldn't mind a cup of that herbal stuff you like."
Aaron glanced over at him. He hadn't realized Dave even liked 'that herbal stuff', let alone kept it in the house. "Okay," he said, nodding. Then he gave in. "Do you mind to make it?" he asked, and he hated it, but he really didn't feel like moving around much more.
Dave shook his head, smiling. "Of course I don't mind. Sit. I'll be right back." He marked his place carefully and set the book down. Aaron glanced at the cover as Dave left the room; it was Max Ryan's latest. Their former colleague had switched to crime novels after they solved the Keystone Killer case. Aaron could hear the sound of the kettle filling, and Dave was humming a little off-key as he banged a cabinet door shut.
Aaron watched the kitchen doorway for a moment, listening as a small smile curled his lips. Then he closed his eyes and rested his head back, trying to decide what to do with knowing what Dave told him before he'd gone to sleep. There was a part of him he couldn't figure out that felt like he was supposed to respond somehow, but the rest of him wasn't sure why or how.
Aaron was back to trying to ignore the pain again when Dave came back in, and he opened his eyes and took the offered cup as Dave sat down. "Thank you. How long has it been since I've taken anything?"
Dave squinted at his mug for a minute, thinking. "You took something just after dinner, and that was around six. It's twenty to twelve now, so you're probably good taking something now, if you want." He leaned forward, preparing to get up again. "On the nightstand in your room?"
"I can get it," Aaron said. He didn't really want to, but he felt bad asking so much. Dave waved him off, though, and went anyway.
"Why exactly do you think you're staying here, anyway?" Dave said when he got back. "I'm here to help out until you're back to normal. That means I volunteered for the fetch-and-carrying." He grinned and shook the pills onto Aaron's palm. "Honestly, I was afraid Spencer wouldn't have room, and Morgan's dog would probably squish you."
"No, a fifty pound lap dog doesn't sound appealing at the moment." It never really sounded overly pleasant, but it might have been bearable if he didn't have still healing holes in his side. Maybe.
"Yeah, I figured." Dave sprawled back down on the couch and stretched out loosely. "Max's latest novel is a piece of shit."
Aaron smiled and glanced sideways at Dave. "You should take up fiction writing, then. Show him how it's done."
"Ah," Dave's tone was dismissive. "It'd be a better novel if the main character wasn't a blatant self-insert. He could've at least based the guy on me." He grinned. "Or you. Gideon wouldn't make a good hero. They need someone good-looking."
"Have you been drinking?" Aaron asked, straight-faced enough that Dave began to answer the question, then burst out laughing.
"Well, all right, maybe he should have come up with someone who wasn't any of us," Dave amended.
"Probably a good idea," Aaron said. His lips quirked.
"Plot's good though, if you ignore that Max is apparently a roguish smartass who has amazing luck with the ladies." Dave snickered and leaned his head back, looking idly at the ceiling.
"Mmm, sounds familiar," Aaron said. He could feel the haziness of his pain medications start to kick in.
"Oh, wait, maybe he did base it on me," Dave said.
"You should ask for a cut of the profits," Aaron suggested.
"Nah, didn't you know? I'm making the big bucks working for the FBI these days." Aaron raised an eyebrow and Dave laughed. "Oops, I guess Strauss didn't tell you."
Aaron watched him for a moment. He was enjoying their conversation, but he was starting to get the impression that Dave was trying too hard to be casual now after what they'd talked about. "Dave..." His chest ached suddenly, and it had nothing to do with his wounds.
Dave sobered. "I was kidding," he said, but he met Aaron's gaze. "What?"
Aaron shook his head. "Nothing."
"It's not nothing, you don't 'Dave' me for nothing," Dave said. He raised an eyebrow and sipped at his tea.
"You're just acting strangely. When I said nothing would change, I meant it." Aaron sucked in a breath, feeling swimmy-headed, and reached over to touch Dave's shoulder.
Dave sighed, but he seemed to relax under Aaron's fingers. "Sorry. I'm used to you knowing me better than anyone, but this is a little weird."
"What can I do?" Aaron asked. He'd said nothing would change, but it still felt like something should.
Dave snorted. "Nothing, Aaron. It's fine." He glanced over, smiling faintly. "I'm a big boy, I'll be okay."
Aaron had the impulse to pull Dave against him into a half hug, but resisted. "I didn't say you wouldn't be."
"Yeah." Dave held his gaze for a long moment, then went back to contemplating the ceiling. "Pain pills kicking in yet?"
"Yeah," Aaron said.
Dave nodded and took a sip of his tea. Aaron caught the little wince this time as he lowered his mug. But Dave just lowered the cup to rest on his knee and closed his eyes, looking more relaxed.
Aaron watched him. Dave hated the tea, but he wasn't complaining. God, he'd seen Dave in love before; why hadn't he seen it this time? Aaron had always found it... for lack of a better word, cute. It still was. It really shouldn't be.
Dave twitched and sucked in a breath, then opened his eyes and glanced over at Aaron. He was obviously trying not to fall asleep. "Need a refill?" he asked, nodding at Aaron's cup.
Aaron shook his head. "No. We probably both need to sleep."
Dave shrugged. "You're the boss," he said easily, smiling at him. "Can I get you anything else?"
"Unless you want to carry me to bed, I think you've done all you can," Aaron teased, then pushed himself up from the couch with difficulty.
Dave laughed. "Not as young as I used to be, or I'd offer," he joked back. He stood and followed Aaron back down the hall, switching lights off as they went. When they reached the guest bedroom, he touched Aaron's shoulder. "If you need anything, I'm just down the hall. And if I find out later that you needed something and didn't wake me, I'll be pissed. Capisce?"
Aaron raised an eyebrow and noted that his face felt numb. "I have faced the wrath of David Rossi and lived to tell the tale before. I can do it again."
"Huh. Brave man." Dave grinned at him and headed down the hall. "Night."
***
Dave let Aaron sleep late the next morning. He knew Aaron would grumble at him for it, but he was still recovering, and Dave thought he could use all the sleep his body would take. Not to mention he probably needed the emotional recharging time, as well. So Dave ate some toast and drank some coffee and took his time reading the paper. He was planning pancakes whenever Aaron woke.
It was past nine-thirty when he heard a door open down the hall. He started folding the paper and looked over the tops of his reading glasses at Aaron, who was still wearing a borrowed pair of Dave's pajamas and looked adorably sleepy.
"Morning," Dave said, smiling at him.
"Nearly afternoon," Aaron complained, and Dave just smiled wider. Aaron settled in the chair opposite him. "Coffee?" Dave almost laughed. Aaron wasn't even trying to fake being able anymore.
"Yeah." Dave stood and got Aaron a mug, then set his glasses on the table. "Sleep all right?" he asked, pulling out the pancake mix and starting breakfast.
"Like a rock. Narcotics will do that," he said, rubbing a hand over his face. "Your pajamas are too short," he added, a sleepy smile crossing his face.
Dave raised an eyebrow. "Well, thanks for making me feel incredible virile and manly by pointing out how short I am," he retorted, amused. "Don't worry, I'll do laundry this morning so you can have your own pajamas. Or whatever." When they'd first worked together and been stuck sharing rooms in the cheapest dives they could find, so as to survive on the ridiculous government per diem, he and Aaron had shared hotel rooms and Aaron had slept in boxers and undershirts. Maybe that was still Aaron's habit. Dave tried to suppress a twinge of arousal and poured the first pancakes on the griddle.
"I don't normally wear them," Aaron said. When Dave turned around, Aaron was staring at the length of his calf that was poking out of the bottom of Dave's pajama bottoms. He sipped his coffee and looked up, and Dave had to fight not to jerk his gaze away.
"Well, by all means, don't bother with them on my account," he said lightly, though it felt forced. Maybe if he could joke about yesterday's confession, he could begin to get comfortable with the fact that Aaron knew his feelings and just didn't return them.
Aaron just laughed. "I never have before."
Dave flipped the pancakes over and got plates out of the cabinet. "We'll get some food in you so you can take more drugs."
"Thank God," Aaron said, and Dave mused to himself that he doubted Aaron would admit to being in this much pain to anyone else. Aaron rubbed his hand across his face and sighed. "I think I'm going to go crazy."
"Because of the pain, or because of the enforced inactivity?" Dave asked. He flipped two pancakes onto a plate and set it down in front of Aaron, then went to get the syrup and butter.
"Pain I can deal with," Aaron said, taking the syrup when Dave offered and pouring it over his pancakes.
Dave laughed. "That's what I figured," he said. He started some more pancakes. "Have you considered that this inability to take some down time is what's got you so worn down right now?"
Aaron didn't answer, and when Dave turned around, Aaron was giving him a flat look. "So it's either run down or pent up? I'll take the former."
"There's such a thing as a happy medium," Dave informed him. "Annual leave, golf courses, beaches, something that doesn't involve dead bodies and psychopaths." He flipped the pancakes and turned back to look at Aaron. "You should give it a try sometime."
"You sound like my ex-wife," Aaron said, then looked down and started eating. "Only now I have a lot less to leave the office for at all."
The words sent a flash of hurt through Dave, even if he knew Aaron hadn't meant it that way. "Look, I know you, Aaron," he said. "I'm not saying you should change who you are. And I'm not saying you shouldn't give yourself one hundred percent to the cases. Hell, you know I've worked long hours over cases. What I'm saying is that you need to learn to let yourself play sometimes. You need to learn to take care of yourself too--or to let someone take care of you, if you won't do it yourself." He leaned on the table and touched Aaron's chin briefly, wanting him to look up. "You used to have no trouble using your AL. And now...do you just not want to be alone? I know this team is your family, but you're burning yourself out."
Aaron looked up, his lips thinning. "I've never been alone until I got divorced. I'd rather put my time to good use than rattle around my apartment drinking scotch, or going to the beach by myself."
"Being alone isn't so bad," Dave said. He'd had the better part of a decade to practice it, after all. "But if you don't want to go alone, you have a brother. You have friends. Aaron, I'm worried about you." He didn't think he would ever forget that horrible thrill of fear that had gone through him when he heard the gunshot from Aaron's apartment and thought his best friend had just killed himself.
"Sean has a restaurant to run, and I doubt he wants to spend his only time off with his brother when he has a girlfriend. The only friends I have that I'm close enough to work with me." Aaron shook his head. "I'll be fine. I'll get over it."
Dave shook his head and turned back to the stove, where the last of the pancakes had burnt to a crisp. He sighed. "I can't even describe how I felt when I heard that gunshot from your apartment," he said, turning off the burner and dumping the pancakes in the trash.
"At least you heard it," Aaron murmured.
Dave lowered his head, staring down into the trash can. "Yeah, I heard it. And you know my first thought? My first, horrible, nauseating thought was that you'd fucking shot yourself in the head." He turned around and glared at Aaron. "I saw the way you were that night. You wouldn't let any of us in, and you had this whole air of defeat around you. And I thought you'd gone home and eaten your gun."
Aaron looked up and stared at Dave for a moment. Then his face clouded over, his brows drawing tightly into a scowl, his shoulders tensing. He didn't say anything for a long moment, and then he put his fork down on his plate with a loud clatter and pushed his chair back, clutching his side as he stood to leave.
"You don't get to walk out on me," Dave said, going around the table and grabbing Aaron's good arm. "We're gonna talk about this, because you scared the shit out of me, Aaron. And I'm still worried about you, and nothing you've said so far today has made me feel any better." He glared at Aaron, knowing he was just making him angrier. Maybe it was for the best; maybe Aaron needed to yell at someone, and Dave could take it.
"I scared the shit out of you?" Aaron asked angrily. "I scared the shit out of you? I didn't do a damn thing. Everyone was upset that night, Dave. Let go of me."
"I know everyone was upset," Dave said. "But you take things on yourself, and we all know it. You refuse to accept the credit for running such a damn good team, but any time the team's best just isn't good enough, you take on all the blame. And it wasn't your fault, Aaron." He didn't let go.
"That doesn't change the fact that ninety-two people are dead, three of them because we didn't have control of the situation when we should have. When I should have. The minute I stop taking this personally is the minute I know it's time to leave the BAU," Aaron growled. Dave had a feeling Aaron would be jerking away if he wasn't hurting.
Dave's chest ached at the pain Aaron was feeling, but he told himself this was like lancing a boil--if Aaron could get out whatever was festering inside him, he had to feel better. "And there are eighty-nine people who finally have a measure of justice," he said, moving around to stand in front of Aaron and put both hands on Aaron's shoulder. "Eighty-nine families who finally know what happened to their missing loved ones. And yes, it's horrific, but Hightower was right. Hope is paralyzing."
Aaron stared at Dave, his expression tight, then he shook his head. "Let me go," he said, and damn it, his voice was defeated again.
Dave wanted to shake him, but he let go. "Tell me what I can do, Aaron," he pleaded quietly. "Tell me how to help you."
"I don't know," Aaron said, then sighed. "Just... be with me. I don't know what else... If I knew how to fix this, I would have already done it."
Dave swallowed and nodded. "You know I'm here, Aaron. I'll always be here."
Aaron shook his head. "I know."
It took all Dave's willpower not to lift his hand to cup Aaron's cheek or brush his fingers through Aaron's hair. Instead he just squeezed his shoulders gently. "Come finish your breakfast," he murmured. "I'll get your pain pills and be right back."
Aaron hesitated, then nodded and went back to the table, sitting down awkwardly. "Thank you," he murmured.
Dave got the pill bottle and paused to look at the bed. Aaron had made it carefully despite the fact that it must have hurt him. Dave shook his head. Aaron never could go easy on himself. Dave had always known that about him, of course, but it used to be that Aaron had people to take care of him.
"Now it's just you," Dave muttered to himself. "So do the job right." He headed back to the kitchen.
Aaron took the bottle from him when he got there, and thanked Dave again, then threw back a couple of pills. He took a long sip of his coffee, and put the cup down. Dave wasn't sure if he was imagining it or not, but Aaron looked almost slumped in his seat. "You need to eat," Aaron told him.
Dave just nodded and got himself some pancakes. "I wanted to take care of you first," he said simply, and poured himself some coffee. Then he sat down across from Aaron and started eating without looking at him. He wanted to give Aaron some time after the way they'd argued.
After a while he saw Aaron reach for another pancake and start eating again. He waited a bit, then glanced up. "I thought we could get a couple of movies to watch, if you want. Nothing too taxing. I have a list of 'em I've never managed to see." He thought it might take Aaron's mind off the fact that he was being forced to rest.
Aaron lips quirked. "You actually keep a list, or are you being metaphorical?"
Dave snorted. "Come on, Aaron, you know me. It's color-coded by genre." He grinned.
The phone rang then, cutting off whatever answer Aaron was going to give. Dave answered with a terse, "Rossi," not bothering to look at the caller ID. Not a lot of people called him, after all.
"Hey." Dave held a sigh. It was Emily. "How's Hotch?"
Dave glanced over at him and shrugged. "Been better, been worse." He sat back down at the table and sipped his coffee.
"Not much of an answer," she said. "Could you be more vague?"
"Probably, if I tried," he replied, and grinned faintly. He couldn't help but enjoy teasing a little. He glanced apologetically at Aaron and got up, taking his coffee with him into the study. "He's taking his pills when I tell him to and relaxing a little bit about letting me take care of him. As far as how he's doing...well, he's in a lot of pain."
"That he's relaxing at all is an accomplishment," she said, then she went silent for a moment before saying, "Have you told him?"
Dave sighed. "Yes, you relentless woman," he said. "And it doesn't change anything. Is that what you really called for?" He was well aware that was mostly why.
"Kind of," she said. "I really did want to know how he was... What happened?"
He took a long drink of his coffee. "I told him, he was surprised, and that's about it. He said of course he cares about me, and it doesn't change things between us, and wanted to know why I hadn't told him I like men." He shrugged and wished he didn't feel so awkwardly adolescent, talking about this.
The other end of the line was silent.
"What?" he asked.
"That's it?" she replied, sounding disbelieving.
"What did you want me to do, push him down on the couch and ravish him?" Dave asked dryly. "He's my best friend, and I'd like to at least keep that, thanks. I'm not going to push him, particularly when he's recovering from a traumatic assault and half high on painkillers."
She snorted. "He's Hotch. He needs to be pushed. Some best friend you are."
Dave scowled. "You know, it's kind of a big thing for him to take in, and I've never really known him to be attracted to men any more than Morgan is. He knows I...how I feel, and..." He sighed and shook his head. The truth was, he knew Aaron needed pushing, and he was willing to do it, where anything else was concerned. But it didn't feel right, pushing Hotch into letting Dave love him.
She sighed. "When did you tell him?"
Dave took another sip of his coffee. "Last night, when he asked what was bothering me. Let's see, I said 'bothering' wasn't quite the right word, but that I'd realized something over the past couple of years, and thought I ought to tell him." He huffed a laugh. "He was annoyed there was something I hadn't told him for two years, until I said it...and then it took a while to make him believe I was serious."
"And how's he acting now?" Emily said.
Dave let out an explosive sigh. "You know, they're right. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition." She only snorted in amusement, so he rolled his eyes. "I told you. He's hurting, but he's actually letting me take care of him, even if he is complaining about things like my pajamas being too short for him and the fact that he's being forced to be inactive."
There was more silence... then what sounded suspiciously like a stifled laugh. "He's wearing your pajamas?"
"That amuses you?" he growled. He should never have indulged her curiosity in the first place.
"Well... yes. You do realize how intimate that is, right?"
"What happened to the moratorium on inter-team profiling?" he complained. "They're pajamas. You sleep in them." He tried to ignore the little flare of hope that her words produced. He couldn't afford to start looking for evidence that Aaron might want more than friendship from him.
"Men don't wear other men's pajamas," Emily said. "He's not going to just come around, Dave. You've known this about yourself for how long? And he's just now figuring it out. If he really had a problem with this, he most certainly wouldn't have worn your pajamas after you told him."
"I didn't say he had a problem with it, Emily, I said it doesn't change anything." Dave sighed and rubbed his forehead. "What do you want from me?"
"I know you two care about each other, and I don't think Aaron cares about gender. I just think he hasn't realized that yet. That's all I'm saying."
He hummed thoughtfully. "All right, I'll bite. What do you think I should do?"
Emily made a noise that sounded like an 'I don't know'.
"You're helpful. So you're just calling to get the dish and leaving me in the lurch," he teased, but he couldn't deny that he felt better than he had before she called.
"Pretty much," she told him, her voice amused. "Just... keep pushing. It doesn't have to be forceful. Are you capable of subtlety?"
He snorted. "It's never my first choice of MO, but I'm capable of it, yes," he said. "Now I'm going to have to go back and make something up about why you were calling me."
"Phone sex?" she suggested. "Wait, that would defeat the purpose, huh? Okay, go. And you know I'm not going to drop this, right? You wouldn't if it were me."
"I know you better than that," he said. He sighed. "Maybe someday I'll thank you for that."
"You will," she said, her tone nonchalant. "Bye."
Dave sat and stared at his desk for a while after hanging up. Keep pushing. Subtly. He rubbed at his goatee thoughtfully, then finally finished his coffee and stood up. What the hell was he going to say when Aaron asked who that was? With a sigh, he went out to look for Aaron.
Aaron was sitting in front of the TV, but he hadn't turned it on. In fact, Aaron's eyes were closed, but he must have heard Dave come in. He sucked in a breath and looked over at Dave. God, he looked adorably sleepy. And so good in Dave's pajamas. Damn Emily.
"Hey," Aaron murmured.
Dave smiled warmly at him. "Hey. Need any more coffee?"
"Mmm, maybe. This stuff makes me forget when it's appropriate to take a nap. Just woke up." Aaron rubbed his hand over his face.
"The nice thing about enforced medical leave is that you can take a nap if you want," Dave said, grinning. He picked up Aaron's cup and went out to the kitchen to refill both their cups, then went back and settled down next to Aaron on the couch. Subtle. He could do subtle. He let their fingers brush when he handed the cup back.
Aaron smiled and took a sip. "I think this is medicinally enforced napping, actually."
Dave laughed and settled back into the cushions. "Well, that's probably good for your healing," he said, curling his fingers around his cup. "How are you feeling?" He leaned his head back and turned to look at Aaron.
"Better now," Aaron said, and Dave could see the little lines of strain in Aaron's face were gone now that the medicine had kicked in.
Dave nodded. God, he was handsome. "So what do you think, movie rentals and a Chicago-style pizza for lunch today?"
"Sounds good. Woody Allen?" Aaron said.
"Sure." Dave wasn't particularly a fan, but he'd slip The Godfather into the stack of rentals, and if Aaron fell asleep, he'd switch them out. He grinned. "As long as you let me get green peppers and onions on the pizza."
"Fine," Aaron said, but Dave was fairly certain Aaron was making a concession too. After a moment, Aaron sighed and closed his eyes again, resting his head back against the cushions again. "You really thought I would kill myself?"
"Maybe it wasn't fair," Dave said quietly. "But it was the first thing that flashed through my mind." He took a slow breath. "I've never seen you this defeated, Aaron. It scared me."
"You think I'm that much..." Aaron shook his head.
"I never would have thought it of you before," Dave said. "I don't think you're weak, if that's what you're asking. I just...I've watched you get more and more discouraged over the past year, and I've done everything I can to help, but..." He sighed. "I don't know. I just...I'm sorry."
Aaron shook his head, but didn't open his eyes. He just reached out blindly and touched Dave's knee briefly. "It's okay."
Dave sucked in a breath at the touch and reached down, curling his fingers around Aaron's. "It's not. I should have known better."
"Yes, you should have," Aaron said. He wasn't pulling away. "But you weren't too far off."
"You know you can always talk to me, Aaron." Dave watched Aaron's face. "Or you can always sit and drink and not talk with me, if that's what you need. Just...don't shut me out. That's the only thing I can't take."
"I never have," Aaron said. He turned to look at Dave, his eyes flicking to their hands and back to Dave's face.
Dave nodded and decided not to let go unless Aaron pulled away. "I'd rather you say things you think I don't want to hear than need to say things but hold back."
Aaron nodded, his eyes lingering on Dave's face. Then his hand squeezed Dave's, and he admitted, "I don't know what to do with this."
Dave swallowed. "Does it bother you?" he asked quietly.
Aaron frowned in thought. "It's strange."
"I'm not sure if that's a yes or no," Dave said, but he smiled. "I'm not going to stop loving you, but if you need some time, I understand."
Aaron breathed a laugh. "Time for what exactly?"
"To give in to my charm?" Dave suggested, laughing. "Or maybe just figure out how to deal with it."
Aaron smiled at Dave for a moment, then turned his head back against the cushions and closed his eyes again. "Fair enough."
Aaron still hadn't let go, Dave noticed, and decided maybe Emily had a point. It was nice to have Aaron's hand in his, to feel the reassurance of his loose grip. Dave's lips curled in a fond smile and he leaned his head back, watching Aaron for a while.
Aaron dozed again for a little while, but Dave didn't mind. He wished it was safe to snuggle up next to Aaron and sleep with him, but that was a little far from subtle.
Part Three
Authors:
innerslytherin and severity_softlyPairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
WARNINGS: SPOILERS for "To Hell...and Back"
WC: ~21,100
Part One
The summary has spoilers for the Season Four finale, so it's behind the cut.
Summary: A coincidence brings Dave to Aaron's apartment in time to save his life. In the aftermath, Dave realizes he has to tell Aaron things he's been leaving unsaid.
Dave ended up leaving the hospital twice before Aaron was actually released: once to go to Quantico, both to arrange leave with Strauss and to wrap up loose ends with the Foyet case, and once because Derek and Spencer ganged up on him. Derek literally manhandled Dave out of the room while Spencer stayed to talk with Aaron for a while.
Dave grumbled all the way to his house, where he slept for six hours while Morgan watched his plasma TV and made sure he wouldn't try to sneak out. Dave woke up feeling worse than he had before he slept. He showered, changed his clothes, and made Derek take him back to the hospital, where they found Spencer scribbling in a notebook while Aaron pretended to sleep.
It probably had been a good thing Derek made Dave sleep in a real bed for a while, but Dave's ex-wives had been right; he did have a flair for the dramatic, and he'd liked the gesture of not leaving the hospital the whole time Aaron was there.
All the same, he supposed it didn't matter, since as soon as Aaron was released, Dave took him hostage and drove him to Dave's house instead of back to his own apartment. Dave knew he wouldn't have been able to leave Aaron in that apartment alone, but he wasn't sure he could sleep in the apartment himself, after what had happened there.
"I have two guest bedrooms, so stop being idiotic," Dave said finally, and that ended the conversation as far as he was concerned, even if Aaron kept grumbling.
When they pulled into the garage, Aaron let Dave help him out of the car, though he grumbled about that too, making a point to tell Dave he wasn't an invalid. If Dave was totally honest, he just wanted to touch Aaron, but he grumbled back about Aaron being in more pain than he was admitting.
After he got Aaron settled on the couch, he went back for their bags. Aaron was slumped when he got back, he head back against the couch and his eyes closed.
"Want something to drink or anything?" Dave asked. He sat on the couch instead of in his recliner, turning to watch Aaron. For all that Dave could take care of Aaron physically, he didn't feel that he'd made any progress helping him emotionally, and it frustrated him. Dave didn't like feeling helpless.
"I doubt I'm allowed to drink alcohol with pain medication," Aaron murmured.
"You're definitely not," Dave agreed. "But I'm perfectly capable of making a cup of tea. Or coffee if you want. Or Coke?"
Aaron opened his eyes and looked at Dave. "You don't have to do this. I can make tea myself."
Dave gave him a crooked smile. "Maybe I like taking care of you. Makes me feel a little less damned useless."
"Mmm," Aaron hummed, and closed his eyes again. "You saved my life. Some would argue that was pretty useful."
Dave took a breath. "I'm not convinced that you would argue that," he said quietly.
"I'm here for my team. And my son," Aaron said. "I don't want to die, Dave, I was just... okay with it, if that was what was going to happen."
Dave nodded slowly, not sure what to say. After a moment he reached out and rested a hand on Aaron's shoulder, wishing he thought it would help to confess how he felt about Aaron. But the truth was, no matter how amazing and powerful love was, it didn't make problems magically disappear. Dave didn't want to fool himself into thinking that his love was enough to keep Aaron from feeling so tired and defeated that he could resign himself to death so easily. So he didn't say anything, just squeezed Aaron's shoulder and didn't let go.
Aaron sucked in a slow breath. "Our job is dangerous. It's always a possibility. And I'm tired. I think I'd rather die because of my job while I'm still capable of feeling something, than die in a hospital bed at ninety when I've got nothing left in me, so..." Aaron shrugged. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be saying all this. I hate these drugs."
Dave cleared his throat. "I'm glad you say them to me," he murmured. He rubbed Aaron's shoulder lightly, still wishing he could touch him more tenderly.
Aaron just drew a long breath, then let it out. "You're one of my oldest friends." Aaron opened his eyes and looked at Dave again. "Can I help you? With the tea."
Dave smiled. "Sure," he said, pulling away and standing. He waited for Aaron to go ahead of him into the kitchen.
Aaron had been over enough that he knew where the tea was, and he got the bags while Dave went to boil water. He didn't look like moving around was very comfortable, but Aaron could be just as stubborn as Dave at times, so Dave decided not to point it out.
Dave leaned against the counter once he'd put the water on, and just watched Aaron.
Aaron didn't look at him, but just murmured, "You can stop watching me like I might fall apart any time now."
Dave smiled faintly. "I know you better than that," he said. "Maybe I just feel lucky that you're still around."
"I know," Aaron said. He turned around and leaned against the counter too, opposite Dave. "What's bothering you?"
"What's happened in the past few days isn't enough?" Dave deflected. He felt the smile fading. It wasn't that he was bothered by his feelings for Aaron. He just needed time to get them settled back where they belonged, that was all.
Aaron dropped his gaze. "It's more than that."
Dave sighed. "I don't know if I can talk about it," he admitted. "But it's okay. It's not...nothing's wrong, okay?"
Aaron nodded slowly, frowning. "I hope you know you can tell me anything. Trust goes both ways," he said, but he didn't sound upset. His voice was calm.
"There isn't much you don't know about me by now," Dave said, his lips curving again. "You know I trust you." He looked warmly at Aaron, then turned as the kettle began sputtering in preparation to whistle.
Dave saw Aaron nod out of the corner of his eye, and then Aaron went silent, staring at the floor. Dave poured the water, then set the kettle on an empty burner and turned to face him. At this moment it was hard not to just blurt it out: I love you. I'm in love with you.
Aaron looked up at him again, then dropped the tea bags in the mugs, and took the box back to the pantry. He sighed and picked up his mug, then said, "I think I need to sit again for a minute."
"I think that's a good idea," Dave agreed. "You haven't exactly been moving around much the last few days." He touched Aaron's arm and walked with him back to the couch. "Aaron..." He hesitated. God, this couldn't be a good idea. But Emily thought it was. Dave's chest ached.
Aaron draped his arm too casually over his stomach, and glanced at Dave. "Yeah."
Dave licked his lips. "You asked what's bothering me. It isn't...'bother' isn't the right word. But...it's something I've been thinking...realizing for...since I came back to the BAU." He held Aaron's gaze.
Aaron's eyes narrowed as confusion took over his face. "It's been two years, Dave, and you haven't told me?" he asked. "What?"
Dave sighed. "I couldn't figure out how to tell my best friend that I'm in love with him," he finally said. "And I'm still not sure this is the best way."
Surprise crossed Aaron's face, then it was quickly replaced with a smile. That didn't last long either, as Aaron slowly realized Dave wasn't joking. "You're...?" He scrubbed a hand over his face. "Dave."
Dave's lips pulled to one side and he nodded. "I guess I gave myself away the other night, because Emily came right out and told me to tell you. I wasn't sure it would really matter, or make much difference. But...I love you. I'm in love with you." He glanced away. "I'm not asking you for anything. But I couldn't have stood it if you'd died without knowing that."
Aaron looked away too, letting out a gusty breath. "I... I really don't know what to say." He was silent for a moment, then added, "I've never..."
Dave huffed a quiet laugh. "You don't have to say anything," he said, glancing briefly at Aaron, then away again. "I just needed to tell you."
Aaron shook his head, musing to himself, apparently, then looked back at Dave. "I love you too, Dave," he said, but Dave knew he didn't mean it the same way. "I hope you know that." He rubbed at his face again, then tried to get Dave to look at him. "Have I done anything to... encourage this?"
"You're just you, Aaron. I didn't need any encouragement." Dave glanced back at him, smiling faintly. "It doesn't hurt that you don't talk non-stop about Haley any more, I guess."
Aaron laughed quietly, but he still looked slightly stunned. Well, it wasn't the worst that could have happened. "I haven't talked non-stop about Haley since... a long time before you came back."
Dave shrugged. "Look, it hasn't changed anything, has it? I mean, you didn't know. I'm not... I'm not asking you to..." The words wouldn't come out. He supposed he had allowed Emily's encouragement to make him feel like Aaron would probably be glad to hear it. "You just almost died, and I needed to say it."
Aaron shook himself and looked at Dave. "I understand. I should... I should have known. I'm sorry. I'm not... I care very deeply about you, and it's not going to change anything." Aaron paused and looked at Dave, then said, "Why didn't you ever tell me you were attracted to men? You've got to know that I wouldn't have cared."
"Eh, it wasn't ever a big deal. There haven't been many, for one thing, and never while you and I were spending a lot of time together." Dave forced a smile and told himself not to be hurt at Aaron's less-than-excited reaction. There had been exactly three men: one while he was in college, one he slept casually with whenever a book tour or research took him through San Francisco...and Aaron. "Anyway, I didn't really feel like it was a secret I was keeping, since for the most part I like, you know, anyone in a skirt with long legs." He smirked.
Aaron smiled. "Yeah." He shook his head, and his smile twisted a little, then he reached over and covered Dave's hand with his own. "I just... can't help feeling like I should have noticed."
Dave shook his head, glancing down at their hands. "I don't exactly go around ogling men," he said. "You happen to be someone I have always liked, respected, and admired. I never failed to notice that you're handsome, but I never really thought about it because you were married." He lifted one shoulder in a shrug. "But when I came back, your marriage was over, and we settled back into our close friendship so easily...and I realized that you're the most important person to me. You're the kind of man I often wish I could be."
"That's not much of an aspiration," Aaron said. He shook his head and looked away, pulling his hand back. "That's why you wouldn't let me..." He made a vague gesture.
"I wouldn't have let you go anyway," Dave said fiercely. "You're my best friend, Aaron. You have been for almost a third of my life, even if we haven't always stayed in contact. And this team needs you." He shook his head. "But it might have made me a little more desperate than I would have been otherwise."
Aaron nodded, but he didn't say anything for a moment. He took a sip of his tea and looked thoughtful. "I think I should probably take something and lie down for a while."
"Didn't mean to shock you so badly," Dave joked, but he stood. "Let me get your bag. I'm pretty sure I heard the doctor say no heavy lifting for a while."
"Bag's not that heavy," Aaron protested, but Dave just made an annoyed noise and flapped his hand down the hallway for Aaron to go ahead of him.
Aaron settled on the bed and sighed, obviously more tired (or in more pain) than he wanted to admit, and Dave fished out some of his pain pills, shaking two out into Aaron's hand. Aaron glanced up at him. "Thank you," he murmured. "For everything."
Dave smiled at him and nodded. "You know I'm glad I can help." He touched Aaron's shoulder. "Get some sleep. I'll wake you in time for dinner."
Aaron nodded and washed his pills down with tea. He groaned in pain when he leaned down to get an undershirt from his bag, and Dave sort of wanted to touch him again. God, he hoped he could control this now that he'd admitted it.
"Thanks," Aaron said again, and Dave nodded before leaving him to sleep.
***
"You should have made the deal."
Aaron just stared at Foyet. He was tired and the case had been hard, and he just wanted to get this over with. Come on, then, he thought. Let it end.
Foyet's eyes were cold behind the mask, and he began to squeeze...
Aaron's eyes jerked open just as the muzzle of the gun flashed. He stared up at the ceiling, breathing hard, and tried to forget the dream. The painkillers they'd sent home with him weren't as good as the morphine drip. He'd been afraid he wouldn't sleep through the night. Apparently he'd been right.
Holding in a groan, he pushed back the covers and sat up. Maybe a hot drink would help. He could reheat some tea.
He shifted, holding in another whimper, and got out of bed. He didn't remember what time he lay down, but it was dark outside now. He held a hand against his side, over the bandages that covered his stitches, and it didn't help the pain at all, but it made him feel like he was at least trying to help it.
When he got out to the living room, Dave was sitting on the couch. God, Dave. Dave loved him.
"What are you doing up?" he asked, then realized he didn't actually know if it was too late for Dave to be awake. "What time is it?"
Dave lowered his book and checked his watch. "Almost midnight. You doing okay? Can I get you anything?"
Aaron decided not to answer the first question, even if he knew Dave would notice. "I was going to get tea," he murmured.
"Sounds good. I wouldn't mind a cup of that herbal stuff you like."
Aaron glanced over at him. He hadn't realized Dave even liked 'that herbal stuff', let alone kept it in the house. "Okay," he said, nodding. Then he gave in. "Do you mind to make it?" he asked, and he hated it, but he really didn't feel like moving around much more.
Dave shook his head, smiling. "Of course I don't mind. Sit. I'll be right back." He marked his place carefully and set the book down. Aaron glanced at the cover as Dave left the room; it was Max Ryan's latest. Their former colleague had switched to crime novels after they solved the Keystone Killer case. Aaron could hear the sound of the kettle filling, and Dave was humming a little off-key as he banged a cabinet door shut.
Aaron watched the kitchen doorway for a moment, listening as a small smile curled his lips. Then he closed his eyes and rested his head back, trying to decide what to do with knowing what Dave told him before he'd gone to sleep. There was a part of him he couldn't figure out that felt like he was supposed to respond somehow, but the rest of him wasn't sure why or how.
Aaron was back to trying to ignore the pain again when Dave came back in, and he opened his eyes and took the offered cup as Dave sat down. "Thank you. How long has it been since I've taken anything?"
Dave squinted at his mug for a minute, thinking. "You took something just after dinner, and that was around six. It's twenty to twelve now, so you're probably good taking something now, if you want." He leaned forward, preparing to get up again. "On the nightstand in your room?"
"I can get it," Aaron said. He didn't really want to, but he felt bad asking so much. Dave waved him off, though, and went anyway.
"Why exactly do you think you're staying here, anyway?" Dave said when he got back. "I'm here to help out until you're back to normal. That means I volunteered for the fetch-and-carrying." He grinned and shook the pills onto Aaron's palm. "Honestly, I was afraid Spencer wouldn't have room, and Morgan's dog would probably squish you."
"No, a fifty pound lap dog doesn't sound appealing at the moment." It never really sounded overly pleasant, but it might have been bearable if he didn't have still healing holes in his side. Maybe.
"Yeah, I figured." Dave sprawled back down on the couch and stretched out loosely. "Max's latest novel is a piece of shit."
Aaron smiled and glanced sideways at Dave. "You should take up fiction writing, then. Show him how it's done."
"Ah," Dave's tone was dismissive. "It'd be a better novel if the main character wasn't a blatant self-insert. He could've at least based the guy on me." He grinned. "Or you. Gideon wouldn't make a good hero. They need someone good-looking."
"Have you been drinking?" Aaron asked, straight-faced enough that Dave began to answer the question, then burst out laughing.
"Well, all right, maybe he should have come up with someone who wasn't any of us," Dave amended.
"Probably a good idea," Aaron said. His lips quirked.
"Plot's good though, if you ignore that Max is apparently a roguish smartass who has amazing luck with the ladies." Dave snickered and leaned his head back, looking idly at the ceiling.
"Mmm, sounds familiar," Aaron said. He could feel the haziness of his pain medications start to kick in.
"Oh, wait, maybe he did base it on me," Dave said.
"You should ask for a cut of the profits," Aaron suggested.
"Nah, didn't you know? I'm making the big bucks working for the FBI these days." Aaron raised an eyebrow and Dave laughed. "Oops, I guess Strauss didn't tell you."
Aaron watched him for a moment. He was enjoying their conversation, but he was starting to get the impression that Dave was trying too hard to be casual now after what they'd talked about. "Dave..." His chest ached suddenly, and it had nothing to do with his wounds.
Dave sobered. "I was kidding," he said, but he met Aaron's gaze. "What?"
Aaron shook his head. "Nothing."
"It's not nothing, you don't 'Dave' me for nothing," Dave said. He raised an eyebrow and sipped at his tea.
"You're just acting strangely. When I said nothing would change, I meant it." Aaron sucked in a breath, feeling swimmy-headed, and reached over to touch Dave's shoulder.
Dave sighed, but he seemed to relax under Aaron's fingers. "Sorry. I'm used to you knowing me better than anyone, but this is a little weird."
"What can I do?" Aaron asked. He'd said nothing would change, but it still felt like something should.
Dave snorted. "Nothing, Aaron. It's fine." He glanced over, smiling faintly. "I'm a big boy, I'll be okay."
Aaron had the impulse to pull Dave against him into a half hug, but resisted. "I didn't say you wouldn't be."
"Yeah." Dave held his gaze for a long moment, then went back to contemplating the ceiling. "Pain pills kicking in yet?"
"Yeah," Aaron said.
Dave nodded and took a sip of his tea. Aaron caught the little wince this time as he lowered his mug. But Dave just lowered the cup to rest on his knee and closed his eyes, looking more relaxed.
Aaron watched him. Dave hated the tea, but he wasn't complaining. God, he'd seen Dave in love before; why hadn't he seen it this time? Aaron had always found it... for lack of a better word, cute. It still was. It really shouldn't be.
Dave twitched and sucked in a breath, then opened his eyes and glanced over at Aaron. He was obviously trying not to fall asleep. "Need a refill?" he asked, nodding at Aaron's cup.
Aaron shook his head. "No. We probably both need to sleep."
Dave shrugged. "You're the boss," he said easily, smiling at him. "Can I get you anything else?"
"Unless you want to carry me to bed, I think you've done all you can," Aaron teased, then pushed himself up from the couch with difficulty.
Dave laughed. "Not as young as I used to be, or I'd offer," he joked back. He stood and followed Aaron back down the hall, switching lights off as they went. When they reached the guest bedroom, he touched Aaron's shoulder. "If you need anything, I'm just down the hall. And if I find out later that you needed something and didn't wake me, I'll be pissed. Capisce?"
Aaron raised an eyebrow and noted that his face felt numb. "I have faced the wrath of David Rossi and lived to tell the tale before. I can do it again."
"Huh. Brave man." Dave grinned at him and headed down the hall. "Night."
***
Dave let Aaron sleep late the next morning. He knew Aaron would grumble at him for it, but he was still recovering, and Dave thought he could use all the sleep his body would take. Not to mention he probably needed the emotional recharging time, as well. So Dave ate some toast and drank some coffee and took his time reading the paper. He was planning pancakes whenever Aaron woke.
It was past nine-thirty when he heard a door open down the hall. He started folding the paper and looked over the tops of his reading glasses at Aaron, who was still wearing a borrowed pair of Dave's pajamas and looked adorably sleepy.
"Morning," Dave said, smiling at him.
"Nearly afternoon," Aaron complained, and Dave just smiled wider. Aaron settled in the chair opposite him. "Coffee?" Dave almost laughed. Aaron wasn't even trying to fake being able anymore.
"Yeah." Dave stood and got Aaron a mug, then set his glasses on the table. "Sleep all right?" he asked, pulling out the pancake mix and starting breakfast.
"Like a rock. Narcotics will do that," he said, rubbing a hand over his face. "Your pajamas are too short," he added, a sleepy smile crossing his face.
Dave raised an eyebrow. "Well, thanks for making me feel incredible virile and manly by pointing out how short I am," he retorted, amused. "Don't worry, I'll do laundry this morning so you can have your own pajamas. Or whatever." When they'd first worked together and been stuck sharing rooms in the cheapest dives they could find, so as to survive on the ridiculous government per diem, he and Aaron had shared hotel rooms and Aaron had slept in boxers and undershirts. Maybe that was still Aaron's habit. Dave tried to suppress a twinge of arousal and poured the first pancakes on the griddle.
"I don't normally wear them," Aaron said. When Dave turned around, Aaron was staring at the length of his calf that was poking out of the bottom of Dave's pajama bottoms. He sipped his coffee and looked up, and Dave had to fight not to jerk his gaze away.
"Well, by all means, don't bother with them on my account," he said lightly, though it felt forced. Maybe if he could joke about yesterday's confession, he could begin to get comfortable with the fact that Aaron knew his feelings and just didn't return them.
Aaron just laughed. "I never have before."
Dave flipped the pancakes over and got plates out of the cabinet. "We'll get some food in you so you can take more drugs."
"Thank God," Aaron said, and Dave mused to himself that he doubted Aaron would admit to being in this much pain to anyone else. Aaron rubbed his hand across his face and sighed. "I think I'm going to go crazy."
"Because of the pain, or because of the enforced inactivity?" Dave asked. He flipped two pancakes onto a plate and set it down in front of Aaron, then went to get the syrup and butter.
"Pain I can deal with," Aaron said, taking the syrup when Dave offered and pouring it over his pancakes.
Dave laughed. "That's what I figured," he said. He started some more pancakes. "Have you considered that this inability to take some down time is what's got you so worn down right now?"
Aaron didn't answer, and when Dave turned around, Aaron was giving him a flat look. "So it's either run down or pent up? I'll take the former."
"There's such a thing as a happy medium," Dave informed him. "Annual leave, golf courses, beaches, something that doesn't involve dead bodies and psychopaths." He flipped the pancakes and turned back to look at Aaron. "You should give it a try sometime."
"You sound like my ex-wife," Aaron said, then looked down and started eating. "Only now I have a lot less to leave the office for at all."
The words sent a flash of hurt through Dave, even if he knew Aaron hadn't meant it that way. "Look, I know you, Aaron," he said. "I'm not saying you should change who you are. And I'm not saying you shouldn't give yourself one hundred percent to the cases. Hell, you know I've worked long hours over cases. What I'm saying is that you need to learn to let yourself play sometimes. You need to learn to take care of yourself too--or to let someone take care of you, if you won't do it yourself." He leaned on the table and touched Aaron's chin briefly, wanting him to look up. "You used to have no trouble using your AL. And now...do you just not want to be alone? I know this team is your family, but you're burning yourself out."
Aaron looked up, his lips thinning. "I've never been alone until I got divorced. I'd rather put my time to good use than rattle around my apartment drinking scotch, or going to the beach by myself."
"Being alone isn't so bad," Dave said. He'd had the better part of a decade to practice it, after all. "But if you don't want to go alone, you have a brother. You have friends. Aaron, I'm worried about you." He didn't think he would ever forget that horrible thrill of fear that had gone through him when he heard the gunshot from Aaron's apartment and thought his best friend had just killed himself.
"Sean has a restaurant to run, and I doubt he wants to spend his only time off with his brother when he has a girlfriend. The only friends I have that I'm close enough to work with me." Aaron shook his head. "I'll be fine. I'll get over it."
Dave shook his head and turned back to the stove, where the last of the pancakes had burnt to a crisp. He sighed. "I can't even describe how I felt when I heard that gunshot from your apartment," he said, turning off the burner and dumping the pancakes in the trash.
"At least you heard it," Aaron murmured.
Dave lowered his head, staring down into the trash can. "Yeah, I heard it. And you know my first thought? My first, horrible, nauseating thought was that you'd fucking shot yourself in the head." He turned around and glared at Aaron. "I saw the way you were that night. You wouldn't let any of us in, and you had this whole air of defeat around you. And I thought you'd gone home and eaten your gun."
Aaron looked up and stared at Dave for a moment. Then his face clouded over, his brows drawing tightly into a scowl, his shoulders tensing. He didn't say anything for a long moment, and then he put his fork down on his plate with a loud clatter and pushed his chair back, clutching his side as he stood to leave.
"You don't get to walk out on me," Dave said, going around the table and grabbing Aaron's good arm. "We're gonna talk about this, because you scared the shit out of me, Aaron. And I'm still worried about you, and nothing you've said so far today has made me feel any better." He glared at Aaron, knowing he was just making him angrier. Maybe it was for the best; maybe Aaron needed to yell at someone, and Dave could take it.
"I scared the shit out of you?" Aaron asked angrily. "I scared the shit out of you? I didn't do a damn thing. Everyone was upset that night, Dave. Let go of me."
"I know everyone was upset," Dave said. "But you take things on yourself, and we all know it. You refuse to accept the credit for running such a damn good team, but any time the team's best just isn't good enough, you take on all the blame. And it wasn't your fault, Aaron." He didn't let go.
"That doesn't change the fact that ninety-two people are dead, three of them because we didn't have control of the situation when we should have. When I should have. The minute I stop taking this personally is the minute I know it's time to leave the BAU," Aaron growled. Dave had a feeling Aaron would be jerking away if he wasn't hurting.
Dave's chest ached at the pain Aaron was feeling, but he told himself this was like lancing a boil--if Aaron could get out whatever was festering inside him, he had to feel better. "And there are eighty-nine people who finally have a measure of justice," he said, moving around to stand in front of Aaron and put both hands on Aaron's shoulder. "Eighty-nine families who finally know what happened to their missing loved ones. And yes, it's horrific, but Hightower was right. Hope is paralyzing."
Aaron stared at Dave, his expression tight, then he shook his head. "Let me go," he said, and damn it, his voice was defeated again.
Dave wanted to shake him, but he let go. "Tell me what I can do, Aaron," he pleaded quietly. "Tell me how to help you."
"I don't know," Aaron said, then sighed. "Just... be with me. I don't know what else... If I knew how to fix this, I would have already done it."
Dave swallowed and nodded. "You know I'm here, Aaron. I'll always be here."
Aaron shook his head. "I know."
It took all Dave's willpower not to lift his hand to cup Aaron's cheek or brush his fingers through Aaron's hair. Instead he just squeezed his shoulders gently. "Come finish your breakfast," he murmured. "I'll get your pain pills and be right back."
Aaron hesitated, then nodded and went back to the table, sitting down awkwardly. "Thank you," he murmured.
Dave got the pill bottle and paused to look at the bed. Aaron had made it carefully despite the fact that it must have hurt him. Dave shook his head. Aaron never could go easy on himself. Dave had always known that about him, of course, but it used to be that Aaron had people to take care of him.
"Now it's just you," Dave muttered to himself. "So do the job right." He headed back to the kitchen.
Aaron took the bottle from him when he got there, and thanked Dave again, then threw back a couple of pills. He took a long sip of his coffee, and put the cup down. Dave wasn't sure if he was imagining it or not, but Aaron looked almost slumped in his seat. "You need to eat," Aaron told him.
Dave just nodded and got himself some pancakes. "I wanted to take care of you first," he said simply, and poured himself some coffee. Then he sat down across from Aaron and started eating without looking at him. He wanted to give Aaron some time after the way they'd argued.
After a while he saw Aaron reach for another pancake and start eating again. He waited a bit, then glanced up. "I thought we could get a couple of movies to watch, if you want. Nothing too taxing. I have a list of 'em I've never managed to see." He thought it might take Aaron's mind off the fact that he was being forced to rest.
Aaron lips quirked. "You actually keep a list, or are you being metaphorical?"
Dave snorted. "Come on, Aaron, you know me. It's color-coded by genre." He grinned.
The phone rang then, cutting off whatever answer Aaron was going to give. Dave answered with a terse, "Rossi," not bothering to look at the caller ID. Not a lot of people called him, after all.
"Hey." Dave held a sigh. It was Emily. "How's Hotch?"
Dave glanced over at him and shrugged. "Been better, been worse." He sat back down at the table and sipped his coffee.
"Not much of an answer," she said. "Could you be more vague?"
"Probably, if I tried," he replied, and grinned faintly. He couldn't help but enjoy teasing a little. He glanced apologetically at Aaron and got up, taking his coffee with him into the study. "He's taking his pills when I tell him to and relaxing a little bit about letting me take care of him. As far as how he's doing...well, he's in a lot of pain."
"That he's relaxing at all is an accomplishment," she said, then she went silent for a moment before saying, "Have you told him?"
Dave sighed. "Yes, you relentless woman," he said. "And it doesn't change anything. Is that what you really called for?" He was well aware that was mostly why.
"Kind of," she said. "I really did want to know how he was... What happened?"
He took a long drink of his coffee. "I told him, he was surprised, and that's about it. He said of course he cares about me, and it doesn't change things between us, and wanted to know why I hadn't told him I like men." He shrugged and wished he didn't feel so awkwardly adolescent, talking about this.
The other end of the line was silent.
"What?" he asked.
"That's it?" she replied, sounding disbelieving.
"What did you want me to do, push him down on the couch and ravish him?" Dave asked dryly. "He's my best friend, and I'd like to at least keep that, thanks. I'm not going to push him, particularly when he's recovering from a traumatic assault and half high on painkillers."
She snorted. "He's Hotch. He needs to be pushed. Some best friend you are."
Dave scowled. "You know, it's kind of a big thing for him to take in, and I've never really known him to be attracted to men any more than Morgan is. He knows I...how I feel, and..." He sighed and shook his head. The truth was, he knew Aaron needed pushing, and he was willing to do it, where anything else was concerned. But it didn't feel right, pushing Hotch into letting Dave love him.
She sighed. "When did you tell him?"
Dave took another sip of his coffee. "Last night, when he asked what was bothering me. Let's see, I said 'bothering' wasn't quite the right word, but that I'd realized something over the past couple of years, and thought I ought to tell him." He huffed a laugh. "He was annoyed there was something I hadn't told him for two years, until I said it...and then it took a while to make him believe I was serious."
"And how's he acting now?" Emily said.
Dave let out an explosive sigh. "You know, they're right. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition." She only snorted in amusement, so he rolled his eyes. "I told you. He's hurting, but he's actually letting me take care of him, even if he is complaining about things like my pajamas being too short for him and the fact that he's being forced to be inactive."
There was more silence... then what sounded suspiciously like a stifled laugh. "He's wearing your pajamas?"
"That amuses you?" he growled. He should never have indulged her curiosity in the first place.
"Well... yes. You do realize how intimate that is, right?"
"What happened to the moratorium on inter-team profiling?" he complained. "They're pajamas. You sleep in them." He tried to ignore the little flare of hope that her words produced. He couldn't afford to start looking for evidence that Aaron might want more than friendship from him.
"Men don't wear other men's pajamas," Emily said. "He's not going to just come around, Dave. You've known this about yourself for how long? And he's just now figuring it out. If he really had a problem with this, he most certainly wouldn't have worn your pajamas after you told him."
"I didn't say he had a problem with it, Emily, I said it doesn't change anything." Dave sighed and rubbed his forehead. "What do you want from me?"
"I know you two care about each other, and I don't think Aaron cares about gender. I just think he hasn't realized that yet. That's all I'm saying."
He hummed thoughtfully. "All right, I'll bite. What do you think I should do?"
Emily made a noise that sounded like an 'I don't know'.
"You're helpful. So you're just calling to get the dish and leaving me in the lurch," he teased, but he couldn't deny that he felt better than he had before she called.
"Pretty much," she told him, her voice amused. "Just... keep pushing. It doesn't have to be forceful. Are you capable of subtlety?"
He snorted. "It's never my first choice of MO, but I'm capable of it, yes," he said. "Now I'm going to have to go back and make something up about why you were calling me."
"Phone sex?" she suggested. "Wait, that would defeat the purpose, huh? Okay, go. And you know I'm not going to drop this, right? You wouldn't if it were me."
"I know you better than that," he said. He sighed. "Maybe someday I'll thank you for that."
"You will," she said, her tone nonchalant. "Bye."
Dave sat and stared at his desk for a while after hanging up. Keep pushing. Subtly. He rubbed at his goatee thoughtfully, then finally finished his coffee and stood up. What the hell was he going to say when Aaron asked who that was? With a sigh, he went out to look for Aaron.
Aaron was sitting in front of the TV, but he hadn't turned it on. In fact, Aaron's eyes were closed, but he must have heard Dave come in. He sucked in a breath and looked over at Dave. God, he looked adorably sleepy. And so good in Dave's pajamas. Damn Emily.
"Hey," Aaron murmured.
Dave smiled warmly at him. "Hey. Need any more coffee?"
"Mmm, maybe. This stuff makes me forget when it's appropriate to take a nap. Just woke up." Aaron rubbed his hand over his face.
"The nice thing about enforced medical leave is that you can take a nap if you want," Dave said, grinning. He picked up Aaron's cup and went out to the kitchen to refill both their cups, then went back and settled down next to Aaron on the couch. Subtle. He could do subtle. He let their fingers brush when he handed the cup back.
Aaron smiled and took a sip. "I think this is medicinally enforced napping, actually."
Dave laughed and settled back into the cushions. "Well, that's probably good for your healing," he said, curling his fingers around his cup. "How are you feeling?" He leaned his head back and turned to look at Aaron.
"Better now," Aaron said, and Dave could see the little lines of strain in Aaron's face were gone now that the medicine had kicked in.
Dave nodded. God, he was handsome. "So what do you think, movie rentals and a Chicago-style pizza for lunch today?"
"Sounds good. Woody Allen?" Aaron said.
"Sure." Dave wasn't particularly a fan, but he'd slip The Godfather into the stack of rentals, and if Aaron fell asleep, he'd switch them out. He grinned. "As long as you let me get green peppers and onions on the pizza."
"Fine," Aaron said, but Dave was fairly certain Aaron was making a concession too. After a moment, Aaron sighed and closed his eyes again, resting his head back against the cushions again. "You really thought I would kill myself?"
"Maybe it wasn't fair," Dave said quietly. "But it was the first thing that flashed through my mind." He took a slow breath. "I've never seen you this defeated, Aaron. It scared me."
"You think I'm that much..." Aaron shook his head.
"I never would have thought it of you before," Dave said. "I don't think you're weak, if that's what you're asking. I just...I've watched you get more and more discouraged over the past year, and I've done everything I can to help, but..." He sighed. "I don't know. I just...I'm sorry."
Aaron shook his head, but didn't open his eyes. He just reached out blindly and touched Dave's knee briefly. "It's okay."
Dave sucked in a breath at the touch and reached down, curling his fingers around Aaron's. "It's not. I should have known better."
"Yes, you should have," Aaron said. He wasn't pulling away. "But you weren't too far off."
"You know you can always talk to me, Aaron." Dave watched Aaron's face. "Or you can always sit and drink and not talk with me, if that's what you need. Just...don't shut me out. That's the only thing I can't take."
"I never have," Aaron said. He turned to look at Dave, his eyes flicking to their hands and back to Dave's face.
Dave nodded and decided not to let go unless Aaron pulled away. "I'd rather you say things you think I don't want to hear than need to say things but hold back."
Aaron nodded, his eyes lingering on Dave's face. Then his hand squeezed Dave's, and he admitted, "I don't know what to do with this."
Dave swallowed. "Does it bother you?" he asked quietly.
Aaron frowned in thought. "It's strange."
"I'm not sure if that's a yes or no," Dave said, but he smiled. "I'm not going to stop loving you, but if you need some time, I understand."
Aaron breathed a laugh. "Time for what exactly?"
"To give in to my charm?" Dave suggested, laughing. "Or maybe just figure out how to deal with it."
Aaron smiled at Dave for a moment, then turned his head back against the cushions and closed his eyes again. "Fair enough."
Aaron still hadn't let go, Dave noticed, and decided maybe Emily had a point. It was nice to have Aaron's hand in his, to feel the reassurance of his loose grip. Dave's lips curled in a fond smile and he leaned his head back, watching Aaron for a while.
Aaron dozed again for a little while, but Dave didn't mind. He wished it was safe to snuggle up next to Aaron and sleep with him, but that was a little far from subtle.
Part Three
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Date: 2010-11-22 01:24 am (UTC)no subject
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