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geekystudmuffinTitle: Through The Silence
Authors:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innerslytherin and severity_softly
Pairing: Hotch/Reid
Rating: NC-17/FRAO
Warnings: angst, hurt/comfort
WC: ~6,500
Summary: More than one gun was drawn in Aaron's living room that night.
Notes: This is a coda to 'To Hell...And Back'. This is also forslash_girl who did us a favor a while back. Hopefully, she still remembers what it was. ;)
A scotch, straight. It was the exact same drink he'd had when Aaron and Dave went out after the Foyet case. Now Aaron was staring down the barrel of Foyet's gun, a glass of scotch in his hand, already forgotten.
There was a flurry of thoughts racing through his head, everything from wondering how Foyet had found him to an adamant refusal to show any fear. But none of it mattered; there was no saving this situation. It was over. He couldn't reach for his gun, and Foyet surely wouldn't negotiate now. When Foyet's finger started to squeeze, Aaron closed his eyes. The last thing he thought before the shot rang out was 'Spencer'. He flinched at the bang, dropped the glass in his hand, and then it was over.
Only it wasn't. He'd been expecting pain, a bullet ripping through his skull. There was nothing but wet splatter against his face.
He blinked open his eyes to see his lover standing in front of him, his gun raised at the point where Foyet's head had been. Spencer was staring at the floor as he lowered it, wide-eyed and watching blood start to pool around Foyet's head. "Aaron," he whispered, his voice trembling, then seemed to remember where he was and looked up. "Are you okay?" he asked. His face was white except for the little streaks of Foyet's blood across it. "I came in-- through the-- I was getting the trash, and I heard--" Spencer was shaking now. "Are you okay?" he demanded again.
Aaron opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He swallowed and tried again. "No," he managed finally, his voice cracking. "I'm...very far from okay. But...he didn't hurt me." He stared down at Foyet's body, and the only thing he could think was, That's not going to come out of the carpet. There were things he should do. Call 911, call Dave and Morgan...take Spencer in his arms and never let go...but Aaron couldn't make himself move.
He raised his gaze back up to Spencer's. "Are you okay?" he whispered. This was the second time. The second time Spencer had killed a man to save Aaron's life.
Spencer looked back down at Foyet, then dropped his gun to the floor. He shook his head, just barely, and wrapped his arms around himself; Aaron knew--vaguely, through the din of noise in his head--Spencer was trying to stop his trembling. "He was going to shoot you. If I'd just... If I'd just-- I had to kill him. He would have still fired if I'd just wounded him." He looked back at Aaron. "Right?"
Aaron lifted a shaking hand and wiped at a warm trickle running down his eyelid. "He was here to kill me, Spencer. You saved my life." Again. Another life Spencer had taken because of Aaron. He took a deep breath. "Thank you. Are you okay?" he asked again. His own voice sounded distant to himself. He hoped it was just shock and not how he really sounded.
Spencer shook his head again. "I just shot someone," he said. "We need to call someone."
Aaron looked closely at his lover. "You did the right thing. You had no choice." He knew it wouldn't stop Spencer from blaming himself, but he had to try. Aaron was so tired. He pulled his cell phone from his pocket and flipped it open, dialing automatically. He watched Spencer the whole time he was reporting the incident. He wanted the drink he'd dropped. He wanted Spencer in his arms. He wanted to feel anything besides cold and tired.
"They're going to need to know why I was here," Spencer said. "We're going to have to tell them." His voice sounded absent. He lifted a hand and rubbed at his face, smearing blood but seemingly not caring.
"It doesn't matter." Aaron's throat felt tight. They were still standing six feet away from each other. He looked down at Foyet's body, and with a supreme effort, he made himself step sideways around it. "Spencer," he murmured, studying his lover but suddenly afraid that if he touched him, Spencer would fall apart. Or maybe Aaron would.
Spencer looked at him, drawing a shaky breath. His eyes were suddenly glassy, but he seemed to be equally afraid that if he reached out it might shatter the forced calm between them. "I couldn't lose you," he whispered.
"I know." Aaron lifted a hand, but he didn't actually touch Spencer. After a moment he let his hand fall back down to his side, and looked at Foyet's body again. "I couldn't take the deal." He couldn't have done it. But how many people had died because he had refused to deal with Foyet when he first called? How much more death could he take?
Spencer was staring at Aaron's hand. "I know." After a moment, he gave a hollow sounding laugh. "I wasn't aiming for his leg that time."
Aaron tried to speak, but his words caught in his throat. He stepped forward and pulled Spencer against him, wrapping his arms around his lover. After a moment he laughed, but it came out strangled and sounding closer to a sob. He clutched at Spencer and buried his face against Spencer's shoulders.
Spencer immediately sucked in a breath, and then his shoulders shook. Aaron knew right away that he'd been right; Spencer had let go of the control he was forcing as soon as they embraced. Spencer's arms tightened hard around Aaron, and Aaron felt new wetness against his neck. "I'm sorry."
"No," Aaron said automatically, holding Spencer tighter and lifting his head to look at Spencer. "Don't you apologize to me." He could feel his heart pounding suddenly, and he was surprised to find it was anger that his lover could doubt himself in this situation. "You saved my life, Spencer. You have always been a hero to me, and you continue to be a hero to me." He turned his head and pressed a kiss against Spencer's hair. "I love you," he whispered.
"I should have said something. Tried to talk to him. He was--" Spencer took a gulp of air. "I love you."
There were distant sirens outside the house now, and Spencer pulled away, wiping at his face again and visibly steeling himself again. His eyes fell to Foyet again as the sirens closed in on the house, and then they were just outside. "There are going to be so many questions," Spencer whispered.
Aaron lifted a hand to brush softly against Spencer's jaw. "You walked into a home invasion. You assessed the threat and took appropriate action. You did the right thing, and that's all that matters." He gripped Spencer's shoulders tightly. "I know we've always kept our relationship quiet because of the difficulties with policy, but I'm proud of you. We'll get through this."
He believed everything he said. He just wished he didn't feel so utterly exhausted.
The team arrived just behind the police. Aaron sat on the couch, next to Spencer but not too close, and answered every question without hesitation. When he explained that Spencer was here because they were romantically involved, he noticed the glances the officers flicked at each other, but he was pleased that none of his team seemed surprised. He didn't bother to hide the shaking in his hands. A small, mercenary part of his mind acknowledged that the police would expect him to be in control, but shaken up. He hated that the thought had occurred to him.
Spencer was staring at his hands, probably at the blood smears, and he didn't look up until they started questioning him. His answers were short and to the point, and when the police looked like they'd asked all they would, he asked if he could leave, then disappeared into the kitchen as more people came in to look at the body and remove it. No one seemed surprised by Spencer's departure either, and when the police left, Aaron sighed.
"Bastard," Dave muttered. "How the hell did he find you?"
"No idea," Aaron said.
"Foyet's been strangely silent on the issue." Spencer's voice was frail, and Aaron turned to see him standing in the doorway.
Morgan let out a bitter laugh. "Don't you guys get it? He had my fucking credentials, man. He could do anything he wanted to with my badge number."
Aaron looked at him in concern. Of course. It made sense...and it was just what Morgan didn't need, considering how hard this case had already been on him. On all of them, but Derek had been the one who had actually admitted to Aaron that he was struggling. He was relieved when Prentiss laid a hand on Derek's shoulder.
"You don't know that," she said. "There are other ways he could--"
Aaron's mind jumped ahead before she'd even finished the sentence. "Haley." He reached for his phone, but Dave already had his open and was dialing. Quick calls assured them that Haley, Jack, and Sean were all okay. Aaron wanted a drink. And he wanted Spencer to join him on the sofa, now that they'd openly admitted their relationship in front of the team.
Spencer did finally move up behind him, his hands gripping the cushions behind Aaron's head. "I--" he started, then swallowed audibly.
Dave tilted his head at Spencer. "You did the right thing." Aaron had a feeling Spencer could hear that a thousand times and still feel guilty. It didn't matter if it was the right thing, Spencer almost never fired his gun.
"I would do it again," he admitted, and Aaron felt Spencer's hand slide to his shoulder.
He automatically lifted a hand to cover Spencer's, gripping tightly. "He had no choice," Aaron said quietly. "Foyet had me dead to rights. I didn't have time to go for my ankle holster. The mask might have protected his eyes if I'd thrown my drink. Spencer saved my life."
Dave nodded. "And for that, we're all indebted to him." He gave Spencer a look of warm approval that Aaron could only pray would help.
He heard Spencer suck in a breath, but he didn't reply, then JJ was glancing between them. "How long?" she asked, her eyes flicking to their hands, then back to Aaron's face.
Aaron drew in a slow breath and hoped Spencer wouldn't mind what he was about to say. He squeezed Spencer's hand gently. "It began shortly after Haley filed for divorce," he said. "I just needed someone to talk to, and...Spencer's a good listener." He smiled faintly. "And eventually it turned into more. I...confess I sort of thought you all knew."
"I knew you'd gotten close, but I'd always assumed you were straight," JJ said, her eyes still on Aaron.
Spencer managed a breath of a laugh, though it didn't sound right. "So did he."
Aaron shrugged, tightening his fingers on Spencer's. "I didn't mind finding out I was wrong."
"You really don't have to come out to us right now," Dave said, looking amused. "Foyet didn't hurt either of you, did he? You weren't just pulling that stiff-upper-lip act when you said you were fine?"
Spencer sighed. "He didn't hurt us. Came close." He didn't say whether or not he was fine, and Aaron was sure the others noticed that too. "We need a hotel room," he murmured, and Aaron felt him shift to look at the blood stain on the carpet.
"Already done," JJ said. "Though I guess I can cancel one of those rooms now."
"JJ, thanks," Aaron said. It was touching that she was still taking care of them, even though this had been a personal attack. He smiled at her, feeling like he was stretched about as far as he could take. "Listen, you guys, I'm going to let the Stafford police work this as long as they want to. Frankly..." He rubbed a hand over his eyes. "Foyet is dead and I'm simply relieved." He couldn't believe he was admitting this to them. "I don't want to think about him any more."
Dave nodded. "Of course."
"But if they even start to look like they might be gettin' the wrong impression, we're on 'em," Morgan said, and Spencer's hand squeezed Aaron's tighter.
"Just make sure you watch your back too, Derek," Aaron said quietly. He glanced around. "Thank you all for coming here tonight. I...can't tell you..." He trailed off, unable to find the words.
Emily shook her head. "Hotch. It's okay."
Aaron nodded numbly, and Spencer said, "I'm tired," obviously ready to put an end to the night.
Morgan gave a grim laugh. "We all are," he said. "This didn't help, Hotch."
Aaron just gave him a small, unhappy smile, as JJ told them what they needed to know about the room she'd booked for them.
Since Aaron's home had become a crime scene, the police had asked them not to disturb anything, if possible. Aaron and Spencer decided it was just easier to take their ready bags and leave the place as it was. Aaron locked the door behind him, resolving to have a security system installed as soon as he'd replaced the carpet. It was shutting the barn door after the horse got out, but it was the best he could do.
The drive to the hotel was silent. Aaron didn't know what to say, and Spencer seemed to have withdrawn into himself. Aaron felt close to tears, his control slipping; he was standing on the edge of a brittle cliff, and he didn't know how high it was. God, he was tired.
They checked in and made their way to their room, then showered separately. When they were dressed for bed, Spencer in his pajamas and his contacts exchanged for glasses, Spencer went to the mini-bar first. And he must have noticed Aaron had been drinking before Foyet approached him, because he came to bed with two glasses of scotch.
Spencer never drank scotch, and he coughed on his first sip, but didn't otherwise react. He just continued to drink it. "I don't even know where to begin," he murmured after a while.
Aaron forced himself to take a measured sip, then lower the glass. He just shook his head faintly. After a few moments of searching for words, he raised the glass silently and took another sip.
Spencer made an unhappy noise. "Good to see we're on the same page," he muttered.
Aaron cleared his throat. "I was on that page before Foyet pulled a gun on me. Now...now I just wish I couldn't feel anything."
Spencer shook his head. "You can't do that." To me, was the unsaid part of that, Aaron thought.
"I'm so tired," Aaron whispered, closing his eyes. His chest ached.
Spencer nodded and gulped the rest of his drink, then put the glass on the nightstand and turned out the lamp on his side of the bed. The one across the room would be on all night. He didn't get down under the covers, though; he just sat back against the headboard again. "I need you," he murmured, watching Aaron.
"I know." And Aaron was grateful. He was. He just didn't know if he had the energy to be who Spencer needed tonight. "I need you just as much."
Spencer nodded, but Aaron could tell he had wanted more. Spencer didn't say anything, though, and took his glasses off before settling down, dragging the covers up under his chin and staring blankly at Aaron's hip.
Aaron let out a long, slow breath, then took another sip of his scotch. His thoughts were moving like a scratched record. If Spencer hadn't come in the back, I would be dead...If Spencer...I would be dead...dead... He couldn't fathom dead. He had been a heartbeat away from death, and he should be relieved to be alive...but he was too tired to be anything. Finally he drained his glass and touched Spencer's hair. "I love you," he breathed.
Spencer closed his eyes and sighed. "I know." He reached up and took Aaron's hand, then pulled it in front of his face to kiss Aaron's knuckles. "I love you too," he breathed against his skin.
He wanted another glass, despite knowing it was a bad idea. Instead he made himself set the glass aside and scoot down next to Spencer. He wrapped an arm around his lover and closed his eyes. Spencer just made a needy noise and rolled into Aaron's embrace, wrapping his arm around Aaron in return. Aaron felt Spencer draw a shaky breath, then Spencer's arms went tighter.
Aaron sighed and buried his face against Spencer's hair. His thoughts kept stuttering around the way they had been for the past hour. Just when he'd been wondering how much more his team could take...he had forced still more on them. He had needed his lover to kill for him. Finally he whispered, "I'm sorry."
"For what?" Spencer asked, his voice still small.
"For putting you through this." Aaron didn't open his eyes.
"Wasn't you," Spencer murmured.
"I put my stuff down and poured myself a drink," Aaron said. "I let him catch me off-guard."
"You're not psychic. You were in your house. He shouldn't have known where you lived."
Aaron let out a long sigh and shook his head, but didn't say anything. How did you say, I'm sorry for making you love me, so that you felt you had to kill someone to save my life, anyway? He stroked his fingers through Spencer's hair.
Spencer arms tightened a little more, but he didn't speak either. They lay that way for a long time, but Aaron didn't think either of them were going to sleep. After a while, though, he felt Spencer's body start to loosen and slump and Aaron hoped for the oblivion of sleep too.
Five-thirty found Aaron wishing he had given in to the urge to drink himself to sleep last night. He'd barely slept at all, and at this point he knew he wouldn't. He eased away from Spencer's relaxed form and climbed out of bed. There was no point in staying there and possibly waking his lover. He filled a glass at the tap and took a few sips of tepid water, then set it down and went to stand in front of the window, looking out at a highway interchange and a truck stop.
He didn't know why he still felt so empty. Foyet was dead. He was alive. It was as simple as that. He thought of the 'game' Haley would sometimes play, trying to extract his feelings. "All right, I feel...what...about this?" she would prompt. It was usually accompanied by silly grins early in their marriage, and a put-upon sigh later.
I feel...tired. I feel...relieved. I feel... Aaron rubbed his forehead. He felt like Spencer was the only reason he was staying here. Intellectually he knew that wasn't the case; he'd tried to walk away before and failed. But right now he couldn't understand why he kept fighting.
He heard Spencer move, but he didn't turn around. Then Spencer made a breathy noise. No words came out at first, but then he cleared his throat and said, "Aaron," his voice hoarse.
Aaron drew in a deep breath. "I'm here," he said quietly, and made himself go back towards the bed. "I didn't mean to wake you."
"I don't mind," Spencer said. "Dreams were... awful anyway." He shifted so he could squint at Aaron, then he grabbed his glasses from the nightstand and pushed them up his nose.
"I'm sorry," Aaron said. He felt stupid this morning. He didn't know how to talk to his lover, and he hadn't had this problem...ever, that he could remember. He felt fragile, and he hated himself for that.
"Stop apologizing," Spencer said. He groaned and rolled over onto his back, then held his hand out for Aaron.
Aaron moved to stand by the bed, then just stared down at Spencer for a long moment, before taking his hand. Drawing in a ragged breath, he sat on the edge of the bed and lifted Spencer's fingers to his lips.
Spencer watched him for a moment, then sighed. "Talk to me."
Aaron closed his eyes, kissing Spencer's fingers again, and thought of Haley's game. "I feel like you are my anchor right now," he blurted, forcing the words out before he could self-censor them.
Spencer let out a weak laugh. "Then we're in trouble."
"No, no," Aaron said, looking at him and dredging up what was probably a pathetic smile. "I'm sorry, Spencer. I'm...struggling. But...it really has nothing to do with Foyet." He exhaled and looked down at their joined hands. "I got home last night wanting a drink." He paused and opted for honesty. "Craving a drink. And when I heard Foyet's footstep, when I heard the gun... I wasn't afraid. I was..." Resigned, he couldn't make himself say. "All I could think of was you."
His chest hurt. He didn't like talking about his emotions, had learned very quickly not to share his feelings with his family members. But he knew Spencer needed this. He just wasn't sure either of them could actually handle it.
"Aaron," Spencer murmured, then untangled himself from the covers and sat up. Spencer watched him for a moment, then sighed, seeming to not know what to say. He lifted his hand to stroke the back of Aaron's hair instead.
Aaron sucked in a breath. "I'm sorry, I...know I'm usually stronger than this." He closed his eyes, feeling guilty for needing the comfort of Spencer's understanding.
"We had a bad case, and then you almost got shot. Stop apologizing." Spencer pressed his lips to Aaron's shoulder, then just stayed there. After a moment, he dropped his forehead to it. "I should be sorry, Aaron."
"I don't know why," Aaron said, startled. "You were incredibly brave and heroic last night, Spencer. You have nothing to be sorry for."
"If our positions had been reversed, no one would have died. I fired first; I didn't even try to talk to him." Spencer pulled back and looked at Aaron. "You--" Spencer huffed a sickly laugh. "At the risk of making this sound like you're some sort of twisted father figure to me, you taught me better than that."
"Spencer, don't," Aaron said. "I know we're never happy when the perpetrator loses his life, but we are not to blame for the choices Foyet made. And blaming yourself isn't going to help. For that matter, if I had caught Foyet ten years ago when the Reaper was at his most active, you would never have been in this position at all." He touched Spencer's jaw and held his gaze. "I have already said that I am honestly relieved that Foyet is dead." He swallowed. "I'm not proud of that, but it's true."
Spencer stared at him for a moment. "It's not your fault you didn't catch him before," he whispered after a pause, then he shifted closer and brushed his lips to Aaron's. "I don't... want you to think less of me because--"
Aaron leaned in, stopping his words with a kiss. When he pulled away, he brought up one finger to press against Spencer's lips. "Don't you ever believe that," he said quietly. "Nothing could ever make me think less of you. Ever." He kissed Spencer gently. "You are my world, Spencer. Always."
Spencer chose not to say anything to that, but he took another kiss, this one slower, but more needy. It felt good to be kissing again. Aaron suddenly realized they hadn't kissed once since this all happened; they'd both been detached, in shock.
Spencer's fingers slid into Aaron's hair. "Thank you," he whispered. His other hand slid down Aaron's side. "What can I do?"
"I don't know," Aaron confessed. "Just don't leave me." He kissed Spencer again, needing the contact suddenly. "Touch me."
Spencer nodded. "Come back to bed," he whispered, slipping his fingers just under Aaron's shirt and kissing him again.
With a groan, Aaron obeyed, climbing over Spencer without breaking the kiss. Maybe Spencer's touch would unlock him enough to be able to talk more openly. Maybe this would shake them both out of shock.
"Aaron," Spencer whispered, following Aaron when he rolled onto his back. His hand slid all the way under Aaron's shirt now, stroking at Aaron's chest. "I need you."
"Yes," Aaron breathed, lifting a hand to tangle in Spencer's hair. "Please."
Spencer hummed a wanting noise and kissed Aaron again, his mouth hungry, and Aaron surrendered to the kiss, pulling Spencer flush against him. Spencer pulled back a moment later to tug both their shirts off, and then he was mouthing down Aaron's neck. "You don't deserve any of what's happened," he whispered.
"Shh," Aaron breathed, sliding his hands up Spencer's back. The familiar planes of Spencer's muscle and bone were comforting, grounding him. But he didn't want to listen to Spencer tell him how good he was. Not now.
"It's the truth," Spencer whispered. He wasn't wasting any time, apparently needing this too, and his fingers were already hooked in Aaron's boxers as he kissed down Aaron's chest.
Aaron arched under him, his skin tingling with the touch of Spencer's lips. "Spencer, I need..." he murmured.
"I know." Spencer pulled off Aaron's boxers, and then shifted to get himself out of the rest of his pajamas, and when Spencer pressed against Aaron again, the touch of their skin felt electric. Spencer scraped his teeth over Aaron's skin, and Aaron hissed, his fingers working into Spencer's hair again.
Spencer spit in his hand and took Aaron's cock in it, slicking Aaron, then moved to straddle him.
"Wait," Aaron gasped, realizing suddenly that they'd misunderstood each other. He tugged gently at Spencer's hair. "Please--I want you inside me."
Spencer blinked at him, looking like he hadn't expected that, but then he nodded slowly and shifted between Aaron's legs, leaning down to kiss Aaron gently.
Aaron moaned quietly into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Spencer and shifting under him so they fit together better. "I need to feel you," he whispered against Spencer's lips, then kissed him hard.
"Okay," Spencer whispered, then spit again. Aaron noticed he was a lot more careful preparing himself to be inside Aaron than he had been a moment ago when he was planning to take Aaron. Spencer's finger pressed inside Aaron a moment later, as Spencer kissed him again.
"More," Aaron breathed when the kiss ended. He could appreciate Spencer's care, but he was more interested in feeling than in being careful. He pushed against Spencer's finger to reinforce his words.
Spencer made a little needy noise and pushed his finger in more, sliding it in and out only a couple times before adding a second. Aaron arched, his fingers curling in Spencer's hair, then Spencer moved down and took Aaron into his mouth.
"Oh God," Aaron gasped, tightening his fingers. The sensations running through his body were so good, bringing desire with them. "Please, Spencer--more."
Spencer pulled back to spit again, then swallowed Aaron once more as a third finger slid inside him. He was stretched, and so quickly it ached a little, but it felt like what he needed right now. Spencer hummed around Aaron and Aaron gasped.
"Good," Aaron groaned, stroking one hand down Spencer's neck and shoulders. "Want you so much. Need you."
"Mm-hmm," Spencer hummed, scissoring his fingers, then he pulled back just enough to lean in and kiss Aaron, his cock nudging at Aaron's entrance. "Can't ever lose you," he whispered.
Aaron arched against him, pulling him back in for another kiss. "You never will," he promised. It was a promise they both knew he couldn't keep, but at least Spencer should know by now that Aaron would never willingly walk away from him. "Fuck me, Spencer."
"Yes," Spencer whispered. He pressed inside, and Aaron moaned, feeling Spencer fill him. God, yes, this was what he needed, this connection; it was oddly grounding. Spencer thrust slowly, moaning, and ran his lips along Aaron's neck.
Aaron slid his hands up Spencer's back and curled his fingers at Spencer's shoulders. The movement of Spencer's body against his sent glorious friction through him, making him gasp and tighten his fingers. "Yes, Spencer," he breathed, canting his hips up and meeting his lover's thrusts.
"God," Spencer panted, sliding a hand down to cup Aaron's ass and hold him close as he started to push faster. "You're... God, Aaron, can't ever leave me." His fingers squeezed, his nails biting into Aaron's skin lightly.
"I won't," Aaron managed, though the brief flare of pain had him breathless. "I'm yours, Spencer, I need you." He tangled his fingers in Spencer's hair and tugged him up for another kiss, their tongues stroking against each other hungrily. "I'll always need you."
Their words dissolved into panting and groans. Spencer slid his hand down Aaron's thigh and pulled Aaron's leg up over his hip, driving into Aaron harder and faster, reminding them both how very much alive they were, and how they were joined to each other.
Spencer bit just below Aaron's collar bone. He sucked hard, and Aaron knew he was leaving a mark. Aaron knew Spencer was trying to leave a mark. He hissed at the pleasure-pain and pushed up into Spencer's mouth, just as Spencer's rhythm started to falter.
Aaron's hands curled at Spencer's hips, pulling him in deeper and clenching his muscles around him. It was enough to draw a ragged cry from Spencer's lips, and then he came, his release filling Aaron. Aaron moaned, clinging to him, and then turned his head to kiss Spencer hungrily.
Spencer moaned into the kiss, his hips rocking just a little against Aaron, drawing out his release until he was spent. When he stilled, he melted against Aaron, his weight pressing Aaron deeper into the mattress. "Mmm, Aaron," he whispered.
"I love you," Aaron said, wrapping his arms around him and holding tightly. "I'm so grateful to have you." His body was still caught up in arousal and need, but Spencer obviously wanted this contact, and Aaron wanted to give it to him.
Spencer sighed, sounding content, then slid his hand down Aaron's side. His fingers curled around Aaron's cock and stroked. "I love you," he whispered.
"Yes," Aaron breathed, running his fingers up into Spencer's hair. Want was racing through him, Spencer's touch heightening his arousal. "Spencer."
"Need you," Spencer whispered, his thumb sliding over the head of Aaron's cock.
Aaron groaned and arched at the frisson of pleasure that sent through him. "Tell me."
"Need to feel you," Spencer said. He nuzzled Aaron's jaw, then licked a line to his ear. "Aaron," he whispered. He shifted to straddle Aaron.
"God, yes." Aaron let his hands slide down Spencer's back as he moved, settling finally at his hips. "Lube," he said, wanting Spencer to do it for him.
Spencer spit and slicked Aaron, slipping his finger into himself a few times after that. Without any more preparation, he sank down on top of Aaron, letting out a long groan. "Mmm, Aaron," he whimpered, making a little grinding motion over Aaron.
Aaron just managed an incoherent noise, his hips jerking automatically before he could force himself still long enough to make sure Spencer would be all right. At the noise Spencer made, though, Aaron gave up and let himself thrust up into him, staring entranced at the expression on his lover's face.
Spencer moaned and leaned forward, bracing his hands against Aaron's chest. His hair was falling into his face, which was etched with lines of pleasure. "Yessss," he moaned, then started to move, shifting to meet Aaron's thrusts.
"God," Aaron gasped, his fingers tightening at Spencer's hips. He was so beautiful, and he'd saved Aaron's life. Aaron didn't know how he'd gotten so lucky, and he wasn't sure he would ever deserve Spencer, but he was grateful, so grateful, to have him in his life. "Love you," he managed, thrusting harder.
Spencer returned the words, his voice breathy. It had that needy sound to it that always did Aaron in, and a shock of pleasure went through him. His hips sped automatically, but Spencer didn't falter, every movement pushing a noise of pleasure from him.
Aaron's control had already been shaky at best, and Spencer's response to his need undid him completely. He gave himself over to the feel of Spencer's muscles around him, Spencer's hands on his skin, Spencer's needy noises in his ears. Pleasure and desire rushed through Aaron's body until he couldn't stand it any longer, and he came with a low cry.
Spencer gasped as Aaron filled him, then leaned down, kissing Aaron's lips softly, his palms flat against Aaron's sweaty chest. "God, yes," he panted, then moved his lips across Aaron's jaw. Spencer was excited again, but he pulled off of Aaron and settled at his side, stroking his fingers across his skin. "Thank you," he whispered.
"I love you," Aaron murmured. He buried his hand in Spencer's hair, running the sweat-damp strands through his fingers. "I can't seem to stop saying that today," he said as it occurred to him. "Don't ever doubt how I feel about you, Spencer. Because it will never change, I promise you."
"I know," Spencer said. "I know, I just... I don't know."
Aaron laughed softly and wrapped his arms around him. "We'll get through this," he promised. "We will. Together."
"Okay," Spencer whispered. He snuggled closer to Aaron and kissed his neck. "I think going to IHOP in a few minutes will help."
Aaron's eyebrows went up. "I don't think I've met anyone who runs purely on sex and sugar the way you do."
Spencer breathed a laugh. And then couldn't seem to help really laughing. "Shh. You haven't lived until you've had their Butterscotch Rocks Pancakes."
Aaron made a skeptical noise, but he had no objection to going out for pancakes. As long as he didn't have to move just yet. He took a long breath and tightened his arms around his lover. "Stay here for a while."
"Mmm, okay," Spencer said, and Aaron felt him relax, his body loosening against Aaron's.
Later when they were dressed and ready to go to breakfast, Aaron's cell phone rang. It was Dave, saying he had an update and asking if he and Morgan could meet them somewhere. Aaron shrugged and suggested IHOP.
When they got there, Dave and Morgan were already in a booth, hunched over coffee cups. They both looked like they'd slept about as well as Aaron and Spencer had the night before, though Aaron didn't suppose either of them had been lucky enough to have life-affirming sex this morning. Aaron ought to feel bad about that, but mostly he just felt lucky.
Dave waited long enough for the waitress to pour two more cups of coffee and take Spencer and Aaron's order. Then he sighed.
"Foyet did use Derek's credentials to get your home address," he informed Aaron. "We found the car he was using in the parking lot of your apartment complex. It was stolen from a guy in Philadelphia. He exchanged a glance with Morgan, then said, "It would appear he...had plans that extended beyond shooting you. Whether he intended to abduct and torture you or to go on a killing spree once you were dead is unclear. Either way, Spencer did the world a favor when he shot the bastard."
Aaron glanced at Spencer, who was staring at Morgan. Morgan obviously wasn't taking this all that well, but he was hiding it. Spencer cleared his throat. "Good to know," he said, his voice flat.
"It's the truth," Morgan said, despite the way a muscle in his jaw was working. "You fixed my screw-up, kid." He glanced at Aaron, then back down at the table. "I'm sorry, Hotch. I'm so damn sorry. You want my gun and my badge, you got it. I..." He trailed off and rubbed a hand down his face, but he wouldn't look up at Aaron.
Spencer shook his head. "He knocked you unconscious."
"He got the jump on me, Reid," Morgan countered. "I should have been watching my back and he coulda had me." He glanced up at Aaron again, but still wouldn't hold his gaze.
"I told him he's being stupid, but clearly he won't listen to me," Dave said, his voice biting.
Spencer frowned. "So does that mean it was my fault when I got kidnapped?" he said, glaring at Morgan now. "I should have been watching my back?"
Morgan glared back at him. "That's not what I was saying," he snapped. "I almost got Hotch killed, Spencer."
"You didn't do that," Spencer said, and sat back, crossing his arms over himself. "You're as much to blame for this as I am for Hankel." He paused, then cocked his head to the side. "Or Randal Garner."
Morgan sighed and rubbed his face. "Look, kid, I know you don't blame me, but..." He finally looked at Aaron. "Hotch, please say somethin'," he begged.
Aaron sighed too. "Derek, what do you want me to say? You ought to know I don't blame you, either. Spencer's right. You've always been a good agent, and you were trusting the other officer to watch your back. It isn't your fault Foyet got to him first." He put out a hand and gripped Morgan's shoulder for a moment. "I don't want you to resign. I want you on this team."
After a moment Morgan nodded and ducked his head. "Okay," he whispered.
"Can't listen to me?" Spencer grumbled, but Aaron could tell he didn't really want an answer, and Spencer just sipped his coffee, frowning.
"You're my best friend, not the unit chief," Morgan grumbled back. His voice was shaky, but after a moment he reached out and gave Spencer a little shove.
"Don't take it personally," Dave said dryly. "I told you he wasn't listening to me either."
Aaron shook his head. "Enough talk of blame and resignations. Spencer and I will be back at work tomorrow. We'll continue with life as usual and assist the Stafford PD as much as they need on the Foyet case. Aside from that, I consider the matter finished." He looked at Dave for several moments, then at Morgan. "We're not here to place blame. We're here--I'm here--because I am fortunate enough to have an excellent team of people who are both my coworkers and my family." He paused. "Thank you."
He knew it wasn't really finished; they would all need time to heal from this, particularly following hard on the heels of the Sarnia case. But they would get through it.
Spencer glanced over Aaron, then took another sip of his coffee. "We're here because I wanted a Rooty Tooty Fresh'N'Fruity."
Aaron saw both Dave and Morgan's eyebrows lift, both of them suddenly smiling slightly. Aaron couldn't help but smile too. After a moment, Dave laughed. "Right," he said. "Let's eat then."
Authors:
innerslytherin and severity_softlyPairing: Hotch/Reid
Rating: NC-17/FRAO
Warnings: angst, hurt/comfort
WC: ~6,500
Summary: More than one gun was drawn in Aaron's living room that night.
Notes: This is a coda to 'To Hell...And Back'. This is also for
slash_girl who did us a favor a while back. Hopefully, she still remembers what it was. ;)A scotch, straight. It was the exact same drink he'd had when Aaron and Dave went out after the Foyet case. Now Aaron was staring down the barrel of Foyet's gun, a glass of scotch in his hand, already forgotten.
There was a flurry of thoughts racing through his head, everything from wondering how Foyet had found him to an adamant refusal to show any fear. But none of it mattered; there was no saving this situation. It was over. He couldn't reach for his gun, and Foyet surely wouldn't negotiate now. When Foyet's finger started to squeeze, Aaron closed his eyes. The last thing he thought before the shot rang out was 'Spencer'. He flinched at the bang, dropped the glass in his hand, and then it was over.
Only it wasn't. He'd been expecting pain, a bullet ripping through his skull. There was nothing but wet splatter against his face.
He blinked open his eyes to see his lover standing in front of him, his gun raised at the point where Foyet's head had been. Spencer was staring at the floor as he lowered it, wide-eyed and watching blood start to pool around Foyet's head. "Aaron," he whispered, his voice trembling, then seemed to remember where he was and looked up. "Are you okay?" he asked. His face was white except for the little streaks of Foyet's blood across it. "I came in-- through the-- I was getting the trash, and I heard--" Spencer was shaking now. "Are you okay?" he demanded again.
Aaron opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He swallowed and tried again. "No," he managed finally, his voice cracking. "I'm...very far from okay. But...he didn't hurt me." He stared down at Foyet's body, and the only thing he could think was, That's not going to come out of the carpet. There were things he should do. Call 911, call Dave and Morgan...take Spencer in his arms and never let go...but Aaron couldn't make himself move.
He raised his gaze back up to Spencer's. "Are you okay?" he whispered. This was the second time. The second time Spencer had killed a man to save Aaron's life.
Spencer looked back down at Foyet, then dropped his gun to the floor. He shook his head, just barely, and wrapped his arms around himself; Aaron knew--vaguely, through the din of noise in his head--Spencer was trying to stop his trembling. "He was going to shoot you. If I'd just... If I'd just-- I had to kill him. He would have still fired if I'd just wounded him." He looked back at Aaron. "Right?"
Aaron lifted a shaking hand and wiped at a warm trickle running down his eyelid. "He was here to kill me, Spencer. You saved my life." Again. Another life Spencer had taken because of Aaron. He took a deep breath. "Thank you. Are you okay?" he asked again. His own voice sounded distant to himself. He hoped it was just shock and not how he really sounded.
Spencer shook his head again. "I just shot someone," he said. "We need to call someone."
Aaron looked closely at his lover. "You did the right thing. You had no choice." He knew it wouldn't stop Spencer from blaming himself, but he had to try. Aaron was so tired. He pulled his cell phone from his pocket and flipped it open, dialing automatically. He watched Spencer the whole time he was reporting the incident. He wanted the drink he'd dropped. He wanted Spencer in his arms. He wanted to feel anything besides cold and tired.
"They're going to need to know why I was here," Spencer said. "We're going to have to tell them." His voice sounded absent. He lifted a hand and rubbed at his face, smearing blood but seemingly not caring.
"It doesn't matter." Aaron's throat felt tight. They were still standing six feet away from each other. He looked down at Foyet's body, and with a supreme effort, he made himself step sideways around it. "Spencer," he murmured, studying his lover but suddenly afraid that if he touched him, Spencer would fall apart. Or maybe Aaron would.
Spencer looked at him, drawing a shaky breath. His eyes were suddenly glassy, but he seemed to be equally afraid that if he reached out it might shatter the forced calm between them. "I couldn't lose you," he whispered.
"I know." Aaron lifted a hand, but he didn't actually touch Spencer. After a moment he let his hand fall back down to his side, and looked at Foyet's body again. "I couldn't take the deal." He couldn't have done it. But how many people had died because he had refused to deal with Foyet when he first called? How much more death could he take?
Spencer was staring at Aaron's hand. "I know." After a moment, he gave a hollow sounding laugh. "I wasn't aiming for his leg that time."
Aaron tried to speak, but his words caught in his throat. He stepped forward and pulled Spencer against him, wrapping his arms around his lover. After a moment he laughed, but it came out strangled and sounding closer to a sob. He clutched at Spencer and buried his face against Spencer's shoulders.
Spencer immediately sucked in a breath, and then his shoulders shook. Aaron knew right away that he'd been right; Spencer had let go of the control he was forcing as soon as they embraced. Spencer's arms tightened hard around Aaron, and Aaron felt new wetness against his neck. "I'm sorry."
"No," Aaron said automatically, holding Spencer tighter and lifting his head to look at Spencer. "Don't you apologize to me." He could feel his heart pounding suddenly, and he was surprised to find it was anger that his lover could doubt himself in this situation. "You saved my life, Spencer. You have always been a hero to me, and you continue to be a hero to me." He turned his head and pressed a kiss against Spencer's hair. "I love you," he whispered.
"I should have said something. Tried to talk to him. He was--" Spencer took a gulp of air. "I love you."
There were distant sirens outside the house now, and Spencer pulled away, wiping at his face again and visibly steeling himself again. His eyes fell to Foyet again as the sirens closed in on the house, and then they were just outside. "There are going to be so many questions," Spencer whispered.
Aaron lifted a hand to brush softly against Spencer's jaw. "You walked into a home invasion. You assessed the threat and took appropriate action. You did the right thing, and that's all that matters." He gripped Spencer's shoulders tightly. "I know we've always kept our relationship quiet because of the difficulties with policy, but I'm proud of you. We'll get through this."
He believed everything he said. He just wished he didn't feel so utterly exhausted.
The team arrived just behind the police. Aaron sat on the couch, next to Spencer but not too close, and answered every question without hesitation. When he explained that Spencer was here because they were romantically involved, he noticed the glances the officers flicked at each other, but he was pleased that none of his team seemed surprised. He didn't bother to hide the shaking in his hands. A small, mercenary part of his mind acknowledged that the police would expect him to be in control, but shaken up. He hated that the thought had occurred to him.
Spencer was staring at his hands, probably at the blood smears, and he didn't look up until they started questioning him. His answers were short and to the point, and when the police looked like they'd asked all they would, he asked if he could leave, then disappeared into the kitchen as more people came in to look at the body and remove it. No one seemed surprised by Spencer's departure either, and when the police left, Aaron sighed.
"Bastard," Dave muttered. "How the hell did he find you?"
"No idea," Aaron said.
"Foyet's been strangely silent on the issue." Spencer's voice was frail, and Aaron turned to see him standing in the doorway.
Morgan let out a bitter laugh. "Don't you guys get it? He had my fucking credentials, man. He could do anything he wanted to with my badge number."
Aaron looked at him in concern. Of course. It made sense...and it was just what Morgan didn't need, considering how hard this case had already been on him. On all of them, but Derek had been the one who had actually admitted to Aaron that he was struggling. He was relieved when Prentiss laid a hand on Derek's shoulder.
"You don't know that," she said. "There are other ways he could--"
Aaron's mind jumped ahead before she'd even finished the sentence. "Haley." He reached for his phone, but Dave already had his open and was dialing. Quick calls assured them that Haley, Jack, and Sean were all okay. Aaron wanted a drink. And he wanted Spencer to join him on the sofa, now that they'd openly admitted their relationship in front of the team.
Spencer did finally move up behind him, his hands gripping the cushions behind Aaron's head. "I--" he started, then swallowed audibly.
Dave tilted his head at Spencer. "You did the right thing." Aaron had a feeling Spencer could hear that a thousand times and still feel guilty. It didn't matter if it was the right thing, Spencer almost never fired his gun.
"I would do it again," he admitted, and Aaron felt Spencer's hand slide to his shoulder.
He automatically lifted a hand to cover Spencer's, gripping tightly. "He had no choice," Aaron said quietly. "Foyet had me dead to rights. I didn't have time to go for my ankle holster. The mask might have protected his eyes if I'd thrown my drink. Spencer saved my life."
Dave nodded. "And for that, we're all indebted to him." He gave Spencer a look of warm approval that Aaron could only pray would help.
He heard Spencer suck in a breath, but he didn't reply, then JJ was glancing between them. "How long?" she asked, her eyes flicking to their hands, then back to Aaron's face.
Aaron drew in a slow breath and hoped Spencer wouldn't mind what he was about to say. He squeezed Spencer's hand gently. "It began shortly after Haley filed for divorce," he said. "I just needed someone to talk to, and...Spencer's a good listener." He smiled faintly. "And eventually it turned into more. I...confess I sort of thought you all knew."
"I knew you'd gotten close, but I'd always assumed you were straight," JJ said, her eyes still on Aaron.
Spencer managed a breath of a laugh, though it didn't sound right. "So did he."
Aaron shrugged, tightening his fingers on Spencer's. "I didn't mind finding out I was wrong."
"You really don't have to come out to us right now," Dave said, looking amused. "Foyet didn't hurt either of you, did he? You weren't just pulling that stiff-upper-lip act when you said you were fine?"
Spencer sighed. "He didn't hurt us. Came close." He didn't say whether or not he was fine, and Aaron was sure the others noticed that too. "We need a hotel room," he murmured, and Aaron felt him shift to look at the blood stain on the carpet.
"Already done," JJ said. "Though I guess I can cancel one of those rooms now."
"JJ, thanks," Aaron said. It was touching that she was still taking care of them, even though this had been a personal attack. He smiled at her, feeling like he was stretched about as far as he could take. "Listen, you guys, I'm going to let the Stafford police work this as long as they want to. Frankly..." He rubbed a hand over his eyes. "Foyet is dead and I'm simply relieved." He couldn't believe he was admitting this to them. "I don't want to think about him any more."
Dave nodded. "Of course."
"But if they even start to look like they might be gettin' the wrong impression, we're on 'em," Morgan said, and Spencer's hand squeezed Aaron's tighter.
"Just make sure you watch your back too, Derek," Aaron said quietly. He glanced around. "Thank you all for coming here tonight. I...can't tell you..." He trailed off, unable to find the words.
Emily shook her head. "Hotch. It's okay."
Aaron nodded numbly, and Spencer said, "I'm tired," obviously ready to put an end to the night.
Morgan gave a grim laugh. "We all are," he said. "This didn't help, Hotch."
Aaron just gave him a small, unhappy smile, as JJ told them what they needed to know about the room she'd booked for them.
Since Aaron's home had become a crime scene, the police had asked them not to disturb anything, if possible. Aaron and Spencer decided it was just easier to take their ready bags and leave the place as it was. Aaron locked the door behind him, resolving to have a security system installed as soon as he'd replaced the carpet. It was shutting the barn door after the horse got out, but it was the best he could do.
The drive to the hotel was silent. Aaron didn't know what to say, and Spencer seemed to have withdrawn into himself. Aaron felt close to tears, his control slipping; he was standing on the edge of a brittle cliff, and he didn't know how high it was. God, he was tired.
They checked in and made their way to their room, then showered separately. When they were dressed for bed, Spencer in his pajamas and his contacts exchanged for glasses, Spencer went to the mini-bar first. And he must have noticed Aaron had been drinking before Foyet approached him, because he came to bed with two glasses of scotch.
Spencer never drank scotch, and he coughed on his first sip, but didn't otherwise react. He just continued to drink it. "I don't even know where to begin," he murmured after a while.
Aaron forced himself to take a measured sip, then lower the glass. He just shook his head faintly. After a few moments of searching for words, he raised the glass silently and took another sip.
Spencer made an unhappy noise. "Good to see we're on the same page," he muttered.
Aaron cleared his throat. "I was on that page before Foyet pulled a gun on me. Now...now I just wish I couldn't feel anything."
Spencer shook his head. "You can't do that." To me, was the unsaid part of that, Aaron thought.
"I'm so tired," Aaron whispered, closing his eyes. His chest ached.
Spencer nodded and gulped the rest of his drink, then put the glass on the nightstand and turned out the lamp on his side of the bed. The one across the room would be on all night. He didn't get down under the covers, though; he just sat back against the headboard again. "I need you," he murmured, watching Aaron.
"I know." And Aaron was grateful. He was. He just didn't know if he had the energy to be who Spencer needed tonight. "I need you just as much."
Spencer nodded, but Aaron could tell he had wanted more. Spencer didn't say anything, though, and took his glasses off before settling down, dragging the covers up under his chin and staring blankly at Aaron's hip.
Aaron let out a long, slow breath, then took another sip of his scotch. His thoughts were moving like a scratched record. If Spencer hadn't come in the back, I would be dead...If Spencer...I would be dead...dead... He couldn't fathom dead. He had been a heartbeat away from death, and he should be relieved to be alive...but he was too tired to be anything. Finally he drained his glass and touched Spencer's hair. "I love you," he breathed.
Spencer closed his eyes and sighed. "I know." He reached up and took Aaron's hand, then pulled it in front of his face to kiss Aaron's knuckles. "I love you too," he breathed against his skin.
He wanted another glass, despite knowing it was a bad idea. Instead he made himself set the glass aside and scoot down next to Spencer. He wrapped an arm around his lover and closed his eyes. Spencer just made a needy noise and rolled into Aaron's embrace, wrapping his arm around Aaron in return. Aaron felt Spencer draw a shaky breath, then Spencer's arms went tighter.
Aaron sighed and buried his face against Spencer's hair. His thoughts kept stuttering around the way they had been for the past hour. Just when he'd been wondering how much more his team could take...he had forced still more on them. He had needed his lover to kill for him. Finally he whispered, "I'm sorry."
"For what?" Spencer asked, his voice still small.
"For putting you through this." Aaron didn't open his eyes.
"Wasn't you," Spencer murmured.
"I put my stuff down and poured myself a drink," Aaron said. "I let him catch me off-guard."
"You're not psychic. You were in your house. He shouldn't have known where you lived."
Aaron let out a long sigh and shook his head, but didn't say anything. How did you say, I'm sorry for making you love me, so that you felt you had to kill someone to save my life, anyway? He stroked his fingers through Spencer's hair.
Spencer arms tightened a little more, but he didn't speak either. They lay that way for a long time, but Aaron didn't think either of them were going to sleep. After a while, though, he felt Spencer's body start to loosen and slump and Aaron hoped for the oblivion of sleep too.
Five-thirty found Aaron wishing he had given in to the urge to drink himself to sleep last night. He'd barely slept at all, and at this point he knew he wouldn't. He eased away from Spencer's relaxed form and climbed out of bed. There was no point in staying there and possibly waking his lover. He filled a glass at the tap and took a few sips of tepid water, then set it down and went to stand in front of the window, looking out at a highway interchange and a truck stop.
He didn't know why he still felt so empty. Foyet was dead. He was alive. It was as simple as that. He thought of the 'game' Haley would sometimes play, trying to extract his feelings. "All right, I feel...what...about this?" she would prompt. It was usually accompanied by silly grins early in their marriage, and a put-upon sigh later.
I feel...tired. I feel...relieved. I feel... Aaron rubbed his forehead. He felt like Spencer was the only reason he was staying here. Intellectually he knew that wasn't the case; he'd tried to walk away before and failed. But right now he couldn't understand why he kept fighting.
He heard Spencer move, but he didn't turn around. Then Spencer made a breathy noise. No words came out at first, but then he cleared his throat and said, "Aaron," his voice hoarse.
Aaron drew in a deep breath. "I'm here," he said quietly, and made himself go back towards the bed. "I didn't mean to wake you."
"I don't mind," Spencer said. "Dreams were... awful anyway." He shifted so he could squint at Aaron, then he grabbed his glasses from the nightstand and pushed them up his nose.
"I'm sorry," Aaron said. He felt stupid this morning. He didn't know how to talk to his lover, and he hadn't had this problem...ever, that he could remember. He felt fragile, and he hated himself for that.
"Stop apologizing," Spencer said. He groaned and rolled over onto his back, then held his hand out for Aaron.
Aaron moved to stand by the bed, then just stared down at Spencer for a long moment, before taking his hand. Drawing in a ragged breath, he sat on the edge of the bed and lifted Spencer's fingers to his lips.
Spencer watched him for a moment, then sighed. "Talk to me."
Aaron closed his eyes, kissing Spencer's fingers again, and thought of Haley's game. "I feel like you are my anchor right now," he blurted, forcing the words out before he could self-censor them.
Spencer let out a weak laugh. "Then we're in trouble."
"No, no," Aaron said, looking at him and dredging up what was probably a pathetic smile. "I'm sorry, Spencer. I'm...struggling. But...it really has nothing to do with Foyet." He exhaled and looked down at their joined hands. "I got home last night wanting a drink." He paused and opted for honesty. "Craving a drink. And when I heard Foyet's footstep, when I heard the gun... I wasn't afraid. I was..." Resigned, he couldn't make himself say. "All I could think of was you."
His chest hurt. He didn't like talking about his emotions, had learned very quickly not to share his feelings with his family members. But he knew Spencer needed this. He just wasn't sure either of them could actually handle it.
"Aaron," Spencer murmured, then untangled himself from the covers and sat up. Spencer watched him for a moment, then sighed, seeming to not know what to say. He lifted his hand to stroke the back of Aaron's hair instead.
Aaron sucked in a breath. "I'm sorry, I...know I'm usually stronger than this." He closed his eyes, feeling guilty for needing the comfort of Spencer's understanding.
"We had a bad case, and then you almost got shot. Stop apologizing." Spencer pressed his lips to Aaron's shoulder, then just stayed there. After a moment, he dropped his forehead to it. "I should be sorry, Aaron."
"I don't know why," Aaron said, startled. "You were incredibly brave and heroic last night, Spencer. You have nothing to be sorry for."
"If our positions had been reversed, no one would have died. I fired first; I didn't even try to talk to him." Spencer pulled back and looked at Aaron. "You--" Spencer huffed a sickly laugh. "At the risk of making this sound like you're some sort of twisted father figure to me, you taught me better than that."
"Spencer, don't," Aaron said. "I know we're never happy when the perpetrator loses his life, but we are not to blame for the choices Foyet made. And blaming yourself isn't going to help. For that matter, if I had caught Foyet ten years ago when the Reaper was at his most active, you would never have been in this position at all." He touched Spencer's jaw and held his gaze. "I have already said that I am honestly relieved that Foyet is dead." He swallowed. "I'm not proud of that, but it's true."
Spencer stared at him for a moment. "It's not your fault you didn't catch him before," he whispered after a pause, then he shifted closer and brushed his lips to Aaron's. "I don't... want you to think less of me because--"
Aaron leaned in, stopping his words with a kiss. When he pulled away, he brought up one finger to press against Spencer's lips. "Don't you ever believe that," he said quietly. "Nothing could ever make me think less of you. Ever." He kissed Spencer gently. "You are my world, Spencer. Always."
Spencer chose not to say anything to that, but he took another kiss, this one slower, but more needy. It felt good to be kissing again. Aaron suddenly realized they hadn't kissed once since this all happened; they'd both been detached, in shock.
Spencer's fingers slid into Aaron's hair. "Thank you," he whispered. His other hand slid down Aaron's side. "What can I do?"
"I don't know," Aaron confessed. "Just don't leave me." He kissed Spencer again, needing the contact suddenly. "Touch me."
Spencer nodded. "Come back to bed," he whispered, slipping his fingers just under Aaron's shirt and kissing him again.
With a groan, Aaron obeyed, climbing over Spencer without breaking the kiss. Maybe Spencer's touch would unlock him enough to be able to talk more openly. Maybe this would shake them both out of shock.
"Aaron," Spencer whispered, following Aaron when he rolled onto his back. His hand slid all the way under Aaron's shirt now, stroking at Aaron's chest. "I need you."
"Yes," Aaron breathed, lifting a hand to tangle in Spencer's hair. "Please."
Spencer hummed a wanting noise and kissed Aaron again, his mouth hungry, and Aaron surrendered to the kiss, pulling Spencer flush against him. Spencer pulled back a moment later to tug both their shirts off, and then he was mouthing down Aaron's neck. "You don't deserve any of what's happened," he whispered.
"Shh," Aaron breathed, sliding his hands up Spencer's back. The familiar planes of Spencer's muscle and bone were comforting, grounding him. But he didn't want to listen to Spencer tell him how good he was. Not now.
"It's the truth," Spencer whispered. He wasn't wasting any time, apparently needing this too, and his fingers were already hooked in Aaron's boxers as he kissed down Aaron's chest.
Aaron arched under him, his skin tingling with the touch of Spencer's lips. "Spencer, I need..." he murmured.
"I know." Spencer pulled off Aaron's boxers, and then shifted to get himself out of the rest of his pajamas, and when Spencer pressed against Aaron again, the touch of their skin felt electric. Spencer scraped his teeth over Aaron's skin, and Aaron hissed, his fingers working into Spencer's hair again.
Spencer spit in his hand and took Aaron's cock in it, slicking Aaron, then moved to straddle him.
"Wait," Aaron gasped, realizing suddenly that they'd misunderstood each other. He tugged gently at Spencer's hair. "Please--I want you inside me."
Spencer blinked at him, looking like he hadn't expected that, but then he nodded slowly and shifted between Aaron's legs, leaning down to kiss Aaron gently.
Aaron moaned quietly into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Spencer and shifting under him so they fit together better. "I need to feel you," he whispered against Spencer's lips, then kissed him hard.
"Okay," Spencer whispered, then spit again. Aaron noticed he was a lot more careful preparing himself to be inside Aaron than he had been a moment ago when he was planning to take Aaron. Spencer's finger pressed inside Aaron a moment later, as Spencer kissed him again.
"More," Aaron breathed when the kiss ended. He could appreciate Spencer's care, but he was more interested in feeling than in being careful. He pushed against Spencer's finger to reinforce his words.
Spencer made a little needy noise and pushed his finger in more, sliding it in and out only a couple times before adding a second. Aaron arched, his fingers curling in Spencer's hair, then Spencer moved down and took Aaron into his mouth.
"Oh God," Aaron gasped, tightening his fingers. The sensations running through his body were so good, bringing desire with them. "Please, Spencer--more."
Spencer pulled back to spit again, then swallowed Aaron once more as a third finger slid inside him. He was stretched, and so quickly it ached a little, but it felt like what he needed right now. Spencer hummed around Aaron and Aaron gasped.
"Good," Aaron groaned, stroking one hand down Spencer's neck and shoulders. "Want you so much. Need you."
"Mm-hmm," Spencer hummed, scissoring his fingers, then he pulled back just enough to lean in and kiss Aaron, his cock nudging at Aaron's entrance. "Can't ever lose you," he whispered.
Aaron arched against him, pulling him back in for another kiss. "You never will," he promised. It was a promise they both knew he couldn't keep, but at least Spencer should know by now that Aaron would never willingly walk away from him. "Fuck me, Spencer."
"Yes," Spencer whispered. He pressed inside, and Aaron moaned, feeling Spencer fill him. God, yes, this was what he needed, this connection; it was oddly grounding. Spencer thrust slowly, moaning, and ran his lips along Aaron's neck.
Aaron slid his hands up Spencer's back and curled his fingers at Spencer's shoulders. The movement of Spencer's body against his sent glorious friction through him, making him gasp and tighten his fingers. "Yes, Spencer," he breathed, canting his hips up and meeting his lover's thrusts.
"God," Spencer panted, sliding a hand down to cup Aaron's ass and hold him close as he started to push faster. "You're... God, Aaron, can't ever leave me." His fingers squeezed, his nails biting into Aaron's skin lightly.
"I won't," Aaron managed, though the brief flare of pain had him breathless. "I'm yours, Spencer, I need you." He tangled his fingers in Spencer's hair and tugged him up for another kiss, their tongues stroking against each other hungrily. "I'll always need you."
Their words dissolved into panting and groans. Spencer slid his hand down Aaron's thigh and pulled Aaron's leg up over his hip, driving into Aaron harder and faster, reminding them both how very much alive they were, and how they were joined to each other.
Spencer bit just below Aaron's collar bone. He sucked hard, and Aaron knew he was leaving a mark. Aaron knew Spencer was trying to leave a mark. He hissed at the pleasure-pain and pushed up into Spencer's mouth, just as Spencer's rhythm started to falter.
Aaron's hands curled at Spencer's hips, pulling him in deeper and clenching his muscles around him. It was enough to draw a ragged cry from Spencer's lips, and then he came, his release filling Aaron. Aaron moaned, clinging to him, and then turned his head to kiss Spencer hungrily.
Spencer moaned into the kiss, his hips rocking just a little against Aaron, drawing out his release until he was spent. When he stilled, he melted against Aaron, his weight pressing Aaron deeper into the mattress. "Mmm, Aaron," he whispered.
"I love you," Aaron said, wrapping his arms around him and holding tightly. "I'm so grateful to have you." His body was still caught up in arousal and need, but Spencer obviously wanted this contact, and Aaron wanted to give it to him.
Spencer sighed, sounding content, then slid his hand down Aaron's side. His fingers curled around Aaron's cock and stroked. "I love you," he whispered.
"Yes," Aaron breathed, running his fingers up into Spencer's hair. Want was racing through him, Spencer's touch heightening his arousal. "Spencer."
"Need you," Spencer whispered, his thumb sliding over the head of Aaron's cock.
Aaron groaned and arched at the frisson of pleasure that sent through him. "Tell me."
"Need to feel you," Spencer said. He nuzzled Aaron's jaw, then licked a line to his ear. "Aaron," he whispered. He shifted to straddle Aaron.
"God, yes." Aaron let his hands slide down Spencer's back as he moved, settling finally at his hips. "Lube," he said, wanting Spencer to do it for him.
Spencer spit and slicked Aaron, slipping his finger into himself a few times after that. Without any more preparation, he sank down on top of Aaron, letting out a long groan. "Mmm, Aaron," he whimpered, making a little grinding motion over Aaron.
Aaron just managed an incoherent noise, his hips jerking automatically before he could force himself still long enough to make sure Spencer would be all right. At the noise Spencer made, though, Aaron gave up and let himself thrust up into him, staring entranced at the expression on his lover's face.
Spencer moaned and leaned forward, bracing his hands against Aaron's chest. His hair was falling into his face, which was etched with lines of pleasure. "Yessss," he moaned, then started to move, shifting to meet Aaron's thrusts.
"God," Aaron gasped, his fingers tightening at Spencer's hips. He was so beautiful, and he'd saved Aaron's life. Aaron didn't know how he'd gotten so lucky, and he wasn't sure he would ever deserve Spencer, but he was grateful, so grateful, to have him in his life. "Love you," he managed, thrusting harder.
Spencer returned the words, his voice breathy. It had that needy sound to it that always did Aaron in, and a shock of pleasure went through him. His hips sped automatically, but Spencer didn't falter, every movement pushing a noise of pleasure from him.
Aaron's control had already been shaky at best, and Spencer's response to his need undid him completely. He gave himself over to the feel of Spencer's muscles around him, Spencer's hands on his skin, Spencer's needy noises in his ears. Pleasure and desire rushed through Aaron's body until he couldn't stand it any longer, and he came with a low cry.
Spencer gasped as Aaron filled him, then leaned down, kissing Aaron's lips softly, his palms flat against Aaron's sweaty chest. "God, yes," he panted, then moved his lips across Aaron's jaw. Spencer was excited again, but he pulled off of Aaron and settled at his side, stroking his fingers across his skin. "Thank you," he whispered.
"I love you," Aaron murmured. He buried his hand in Spencer's hair, running the sweat-damp strands through his fingers. "I can't seem to stop saying that today," he said as it occurred to him. "Don't ever doubt how I feel about you, Spencer. Because it will never change, I promise you."
"I know," Spencer said. "I know, I just... I don't know."
Aaron laughed softly and wrapped his arms around him. "We'll get through this," he promised. "We will. Together."
"Okay," Spencer whispered. He snuggled closer to Aaron and kissed his neck. "I think going to IHOP in a few minutes will help."
Aaron's eyebrows went up. "I don't think I've met anyone who runs purely on sex and sugar the way you do."
Spencer breathed a laugh. And then couldn't seem to help really laughing. "Shh. You haven't lived until you've had their Butterscotch Rocks Pancakes."
Aaron made a skeptical noise, but he had no objection to going out for pancakes. As long as he didn't have to move just yet. He took a long breath and tightened his arms around his lover. "Stay here for a while."
"Mmm, okay," Spencer said, and Aaron felt him relax, his body loosening against Aaron's.
Later when they were dressed and ready to go to breakfast, Aaron's cell phone rang. It was Dave, saying he had an update and asking if he and Morgan could meet them somewhere. Aaron shrugged and suggested IHOP.
When they got there, Dave and Morgan were already in a booth, hunched over coffee cups. They both looked like they'd slept about as well as Aaron and Spencer had the night before, though Aaron didn't suppose either of them had been lucky enough to have life-affirming sex this morning. Aaron ought to feel bad about that, but mostly he just felt lucky.
Dave waited long enough for the waitress to pour two more cups of coffee and take Spencer and Aaron's order. Then he sighed.
"Foyet did use Derek's credentials to get your home address," he informed Aaron. "We found the car he was using in the parking lot of your apartment complex. It was stolen from a guy in Philadelphia. He exchanged a glance with Morgan, then said, "It would appear he...had plans that extended beyond shooting you. Whether he intended to abduct and torture you or to go on a killing spree once you were dead is unclear. Either way, Spencer did the world a favor when he shot the bastard."
Aaron glanced at Spencer, who was staring at Morgan. Morgan obviously wasn't taking this all that well, but he was hiding it. Spencer cleared his throat. "Good to know," he said, his voice flat.
"It's the truth," Morgan said, despite the way a muscle in his jaw was working. "You fixed my screw-up, kid." He glanced at Aaron, then back down at the table. "I'm sorry, Hotch. I'm so damn sorry. You want my gun and my badge, you got it. I..." He trailed off and rubbed a hand down his face, but he wouldn't look up at Aaron.
Spencer shook his head. "He knocked you unconscious."
"He got the jump on me, Reid," Morgan countered. "I should have been watching my back and he coulda had me." He glanced up at Aaron again, but still wouldn't hold his gaze.
"I told him he's being stupid, but clearly he won't listen to me," Dave said, his voice biting.
Spencer frowned. "So does that mean it was my fault when I got kidnapped?" he said, glaring at Morgan now. "I should have been watching my back?"
Morgan glared back at him. "That's not what I was saying," he snapped. "I almost got Hotch killed, Spencer."
"You didn't do that," Spencer said, and sat back, crossing his arms over himself. "You're as much to blame for this as I am for Hankel." He paused, then cocked his head to the side. "Or Randal Garner."
Morgan sighed and rubbed his face. "Look, kid, I know you don't blame me, but..." He finally looked at Aaron. "Hotch, please say somethin'," he begged.
Aaron sighed too. "Derek, what do you want me to say? You ought to know I don't blame you, either. Spencer's right. You've always been a good agent, and you were trusting the other officer to watch your back. It isn't your fault Foyet got to him first." He put out a hand and gripped Morgan's shoulder for a moment. "I don't want you to resign. I want you on this team."
After a moment Morgan nodded and ducked his head. "Okay," he whispered.
"Can't listen to me?" Spencer grumbled, but Aaron could tell he didn't really want an answer, and Spencer just sipped his coffee, frowning.
"You're my best friend, not the unit chief," Morgan grumbled back. His voice was shaky, but after a moment he reached out and gave Spencer a little shove.
"Don't take it personally," Dave said dryly. "I told you he wasn't listening to me either."
Aaron shook his head. "Enough talk of blame and resignations. Spencer and I will be back at work tomorrow. We'll continue with life as usual and assist the Stafford PD as much as they need on the Foyet case. Aside from that, I consider the matter finished." He looked at Dave for several moments, then at Morgan. "We're not here to place blame. We're here--I'm here--because I am fortunate enough to have an excellent team of people who are both my coworkers and my family." He paused. "Thank you."
He knew it wasn't really finished; they would all need time to heal from this, particularly following hard on the heels of the Sarnia case. But they would get through it.
Spencer glanced over Aaron, then took another sip of his coffee. "We're here because I wanted a Rooty Tooty Fresh'N'Fruity."
Aaron saw both Dave and Morgan's eyebrows lift, both of them suddenly smiling slightly. Aaron couldn't help but smile too. After a moment, Dave laughed. "Right," he said. "Let's eat then."
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no subject
Date: 2009-06-18 03:43 am (UTC)see, we need y'all to be writing for the show, because this is how it should go (in my H/R slashy opinion). Angst and all.
though Aaron didn't suppose either of them had been lucky enough to have life-affirming sex this morning. Aaron ought to feel bad about that, but mostly he just felt lucky.
LOL! Well, you never know...... *winks*
no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 03:17 am (UTC)*G* Yeah, Morgan/Rossi background ship. *snicker* Somehow I don't think
(no subject)
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Date: 2009-06-18 04:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 03:16 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-06-18 04:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 03:15 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-06-18 04:35 am (UTC)Amazing as always. I love that Hotch was struggling so much with telling Reid how he really felt.
Very realistic :)
P.S. How cool would it be if this is what actually happened in Season Five?
no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 03:15 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-06-18 04:47 am (UTC)That was intense and sweet and funny and yummy and fluffy and slashy from one breath to the next and back again. What a great ride!
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 03:15 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-06-18 05:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 03:15 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-06-18 05:52 am (UTC)This is a great story--the overwhelming sense of disconnect Hotch feels, his difficulty in trying to say what he's feeling...very realistic and very Hotch, I think. Also well done with Reid feeling guilty over shooting Foyet and with Morgan's guilt over being the cause of the whole thing.
Loved Hotch and Reid reconnecting with one another. *G*
And the final scene at IHOP--especially Reid and Morgan was really good too.
Thank you both for another great Hotch/Reid fic! :D
no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 03:09 am (UTC)I'm glad you liked this. :)
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-06-18 08:05 am (UTC)s5 would be perfect like this
no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 03:08 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-06-19 03:08 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-06-18 12:41 pm (UTC)*squeeeeee*
Great fic, very sweet oh I so hope this'll be the opening of season 5 but I have to stop dreaming, sigh
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Date: 2009-06-19 03:08 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-06-18 12:55 pm (UTC)It's funny because that's exactly what I had in mind when I tried to imagine how Hotch would survive.
In the season's finale there is one thing that was clear, all of the clues given to the viewers foreshadowing Foyet's return were given by Reid, or given to Reid (and no one else). (when he comments on the pigs being 'omnivore', when he looks at Luca's drawings and focuses on the eyes, when he tells Hotch his gut worry about a case not ending well and when he looks closely and worriedly at the eyes craved on the trees).
He's the only "recipient" of those clues and, even if it was only foreshadowing meant for the viewers, we know that Reid has a bad feeling. It would be great if it played a role in Hotch's survival.
I kept imagining Reid wanting to check on Hotch because of his bad feeling, and I kept imagining him being the one who took the shot (maybe he has a key to Hotch's apartment for ..whatever reason ...wishful thinking, I know, but I can still hope right ?).
So I enjoyed immensely your story.
I loved the inner conflicts : Hotch, Reid, Morgan, ....they all feel guilty in some way.
You showed that brilliantly. The way they all reacted was very much in character.
It was great seeing Hotch just wanting to let this case go to rest. You could clearly feel his general tiredness in the season's finale, so I think that you were spot on.
I can only hope that the fifth season will go along those lines...
Thank you very much for this story.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 03:07 am (UTC)I'm glad this worked for you. :)
(no subject)
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Date: 2009-06-18 04:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 03:06 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-06-18 08:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 03:06 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-06-18 10:50 pm (UTC)I love the way you represent Hotch's absolute fatigue and sense of emptiness: that's the kind of feeling everybody gets once in a while, and I can only imagine how it gets magnified for someone in that line of work. At the same time, this is one state of mind that is quite challenging to portray, and here it came through very well.
Now, if only the first ep of season 5 was half this good, I'd be more than happy! :D
thank you for sharing
no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 03:05 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-06-19 01:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 03:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 02:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 03:04 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 02:58 am (UTC)Anyway, loved the coda to the episode, thought all of rang very true. Thanks so much for sharing!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 03:03 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 10:54 pm (UTC)It would be awesome if Reid came out and saved his honey. ^_^
Keep it up guys. I want those fics you've been hording. ^___^
no subject
Date: 2009-06-20 12:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-20 05:02 pm (UTC)Brava.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-20 11:35 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-06-21 03:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-21 03:49 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-06-24 08:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 09:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-27 04:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-26 04:36 pm (UTC)Oh Reid, don't ever change!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-28 06:10 pm (UTC)PS -- and oh, was it HOT ;-)
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Date: 2009-09-28 11:41 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-12-11 10:49 pm (UTC)ha! add a glass of wine and this is like, my credo.
excellent as always :)
no subject
Date: 2009-12-11 11:30 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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