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geekystudmuffinTitle: The Last Best Days
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innerslytherin and severity_softly
Artist:tli
Pairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 147,800
Summary: Futurefic--Shortly before Dave turns sixty, he is diagnosed with a grade III brain tumor. He and Aaron have to come to terms with what this means for their relationship. Eventually the team has to help Aaron say goodbye.
Notes: Heavy angst. Lots of medical detail. Character death. This fic would not exist without the extensive help, support, encouragement, and hand-holding fromresolucidity, who served as our medical consultant throughout.
Master post
Chapter Nineteen
The hospice center was both better and worse than Aaron had expected.
Dave was given a private suite that had a bedroom and bath. A handmade quilt did nothing to disguise the fact that the bed was a standard-issue hospital bed. There was a couch and recliner, as well as a table and two chairs. A flat-panel TV was mounted on the wall opposite the bed, and shelves allowed them to display flowers and pictures of loved ones.
Of course, the appearance was all lost on Dave, and to Aaron it was just a horrible mockery of the comfort of home.
Dave seemed happy with it, though, and the staff was obviously competent and caring.
The team seemed to be coming and going in shifts. Aaron wasn't sure if some of them were leaving early and rotating who went. He didn't have the energy to ask either. He could honestly say he didn't care a damn bit about what was happening at the BAU right now. The place could be going up in flames, and Aaron just wanted to be here by Dave's side. Miserable.
He tried to sleep on the day bed provided in the room, but sometimes he just couldn't. Without Dave next to him, the bed was less comfortable.
Dave was never alone. Sometimes Aaron wondered if it bothered him to have people around, but Dave wasn't shy about expressing his desires, even if he was, for the most part, confined to the bed now. A couple of times he'd mustered the energy to go out to the courtyard, which had benches and Adirondack chairs and a whispering, bubbling fountain that was probably intended to give the courtyard an atmosphere of peace.
Aaron hated it. But he hated everything right now, so the opinion wasn't exactly objective.
Three and a half weeks after the move to hospice, Dave more or less stopped eating. He was still drinking, and liked it best when Aaron sneaked in a few sips of scotch. But Dave was restless, never still except in sleep, and the doctor told Aaron that they had perhaps two weeks to go. According to Dave's advance directive, there would be no feeding tubes or life support administered. Aaron couldn't stand it...but he agreed. He knew it was the right choice.
Aaron sat on the edge of the bed, every part of him aching, and still knowing he couldn't possibly be hurting as much as Dave right now. No one was in the room. Haley and Sean had taken Jack to get food, and they'd promised to bring Aaron back something.
"I love you," Aaron whispered, stroking Dave's cheek.
Dave shifted again and turned toward him. "Aaron," he breathed, looking pleased. "Love you." A spasm of pain crossed his face, then eased, and he opened his eyes. Aaron knew Dave's sight was completely gone now, but there still always seemed to be a light of recognition in Dave's eyes when he 'looked' at Aaron.
Aaron stroked his hand down Dave's chest. God, he was thin. He was just wasting away. "I didn't wake you, did I?"
"Wasn't asleep." Dave let out a long sigh. "Was dreaming earlier. Thought Max was here."
Aaron frowned, but just kept running his fingers over Dave.
"Guess he wasn't, huh? Max is dead. Isn't he? Couple years ago, wasn't it?" Dave closed his eyes. "Never did get along but I liked the bastard."
Aaron chuckled quietly, but could hear how hollow it sounded. He sounded hollow lately. It was probably because he felt it. "You make no sense," he teased.
"Yeah. Brain short-circuited, didn't you know that?" Dave smiled faintly. "Max is dead, right?"
"Yeah," Aaron said. He closed his hand over Dave's. "You were dreaming he was here?"
"Mm. Must have been a dream." Dave let out a long breath, and for a moment Aaron was seized with a gripping fear that he wasn't going to take another. It felt like too long, but eventually Dave inhaled and opened his eyes again. "How are you?"
Aaron huffed another laugh. "Do you have to ask?"
"That bad, huh." Dave lifted a hand slowly and covered Aaron's. "Should've brought Fuzzy here. Miss that cat."
"I doubt they'd allow us," Aaron said. He sighed. "I love you so much." I want to take you home.
"Sneak 'im in," Dave suggested. "What're they gonna do, kick me out?" His words were slow and slightly slurred these days, mostly because he was on a ridiculous dosage of morphine. Even that didn't entirely dampen the pain, Aaron knew, but it seemed to help. Dave shifted again.
"They'd kick the cat out," Aaron said. "And I'd have to make Sean take him home, because I'm not leaving."
Dave looked unhappy, but he quit pressing. Then he lapsed into a silence that was somehow worse than if he'd kept asking.
Aaron sighed. "Do you need anything?" He couldn't remember if he'd just asked that. He'd asked it so often these last few weeks.
For a moment Dave didn't answer, then he whispered, "Would you ask if I can have the cat here?"
Aaron sighed and scrubbed his hand over his face. Dave was still as stubborn as always. That was oddly relieving. "I'll ask," he said, then paused and added, "Right now?"
Dave didn't answer, but the look on his face clearly said yes, right now.
"Fine," Aaron said, and forced himself to get up and go find a nurse. He wasn't surprised when she laughed at his question. What did surprise him was what she said after she finished laughing.
"Of course. If the cat will make him happy, it's more than welcome. We want this to be as close to home for him as we can make it."
Aaron just blinked at her. "He can stay here?"
"Sure. He's not hostile, is he? We already have a note in the files to beware of Dave, but I want to know if we need to add 'beware of cat' too." She smiled at him.
Aaron let out a breath that was meant to be a laugh. "No. He's old. He's--" He shook his head and laughed quietly. "Sorry. Thank you."
She nodded. "Tell Dave his cat can come keep him company."
He went obediently back to the room, wondering why it had become easier to let the nurses tell him what to do. As he eased the door closed behind him, he thought Dave was asleep, but then he heard an indrawn breath and Dave spoke.
"Told you that was a bad idea. Should've stayed with Nicole."
Aaron stood there and watched. He wasn't sure if he should say anything or not. His lover was having a conversation with a dead colleague and Aaron was afraid to interrupt. He pressed his hands to his eyes, feeling stupid and completely lost, just listening to Dave.
"Was still stupid. She was gorgeous and you were her world." Dave smiled and shifted, then let out a short groan. "Best thing I ever did was find someone who could put up with me." He was silent as Max apparently said something. Then Dave snorted. "Aaron, dumbass."
Somehow a smile forced its way onto Aaron's face then, and he laughed quietly. It felt unnatural, but he couldn't help it.
Dave turned at the sound of his laughter. A smile lit his face. "I was just telling Max about you," he said. "About us. Where were you?"
"Asking a nurse about Fuzzy, since someone was pouting at me," Aaron said.
"I knew that," Dave said. "What did she say?"
"She said he can come," Aaron said, walking over to sit on the edge of the bed again.
Dave smiled again. "Good. I miss that cat." He lifted a hand in what had become his standard invitation lately for Aaron to kiss him.
Aaron leaned down and pressed his lips to Dave's, ignoring how chapped they were. He cupped Dave's face, then pulled back. "Handsome," he murmured. Dave, quite honestly, looked frail and sick. He looked like a dying man. But Aaron could look at him forever.
"So're you," Dave whispered, brushing his fingers against Aaron's cheek. "Love you so much. I'm glad you're here."
"Where else would I be?" Aaron murmured.
"Just here." Dave smiled faintly. "I'm grateful for you." He shifted and let out a little grunt. "Stay with me for a while? Right here?"
"Yeah," Aaron said. He wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed with Dave... but he was never going to be able to do that again..
"Yeah." Dave grunted again. He was trying to move, without much success. "Need to give you more room."
Aaron shook his head--he still did things like that, even though Dave couldn't see--and put his hand on Dave. "No, I'm fine."
"Nnh." Dave sighed. "Want you closer."
"There's not enough room," Aaron said, but shifted a little and tried to lie down a little. He was sort of hanging off the edge and couldn't relax, but he didn't want to crush Dave.
"They ought to put double beds in these," Dave murmured. He nuzzled against Aaron, and for a few minutes Aaron just listened to Dave breathing and tried not to fall off the bed. Eventually Dave shifted, though, and Aaron had to catch himself.
Aaron let out a breath and rested an arm gently over Dave, then he heard someone come in. When he looked up, it was Sean and Jack, and Aaron tried to sit up without stirring Dave too much. "Hey."
Dave roused. "Is Max back?" he mumbled.
"Hi," Sean said, as Jack ran over to climb up on the foot of Dave's bed. Dave had made it clear from the first day that was Jack's spot. Sean held up a paper bag. "Brought you a sandwich and fries."
"Thanks," Aaron said. He didn't feel like eating. He really hadn't for a while, but his pants had started to feel a little loose a couple of weeks ago and he'd been forcing himself to eat since then, with Haley and Sean's help. "Can you do me a favor?" he asked, taking the bag.
"Anything," Sean said. He rested a hand on Dave's foot. "How's it going, Dave?"
"Still here," Dave murmured.
Jack crawled up to lie down next to Dave. Aaron knew it was ridiculous, but he was jealous; Jack fit on the bed better than he did.
"Will you go get Fuzzy for us?" Aaron asked, looking away from Jack and back to his brother. "They said he could stay here if Dave wanted him."
"Really, you can bring Fuzzy?" Jack said, sounding excited.
"Sure," Sean said. "Need anything else from home?"
"Dave?" Jack said, and Aaron automatically turned. Jack was frowning and watching Dave. After a long moment Dave took a slow breath, and Aaron realized it had been one of the odd little hitches in breathing that had started coming more often.
"S'okay," Dave murmured after a while. "Didn't mean to fall asleep."
Aaron drew in a long breath and let it out, watching them for a moment. Then he looked back a Sean. "I can't think of anything else. I'll call you if I do."
Sean nodded, then leaned down to give Aaron a brief hug. He'd been doing that occasionally, like he was trying to stay in practice. "I'll be back soon, Dave." He left, and then it was just the three of them.
"Tell me a story," Dave said, brushing a hand over Jack's hair. "What sort of adventure did you have today?"
Aaron listened as Jack launched into a story about pirates and ninjas. Eventually a robot found its way into the story too. It was good to hear Dave laugh, even though it was breathy and weak these days.
Aaron forced himself to eat the food Sean brought him, though he couldn't manage all of it, then put the rest of it aside.
After a while it was clear that Dave had fallen asleep, and Jack stayed curled up against him for a while, but then he climbed down and got the checkers set out that Emily had brought. He nagged Aaron into playing checkers with him. During their third game, Sean got back with Fuzzy, the litterbox, and the food and water dishes.
Jack forgot they were being quiet and let out a cheer, which woke Dave. When he learned Fuzzy had arrived, he told Sean to put the cat up on the bed. Fuzzy immediately curled up against Dave's chest and started purring.
"I think you were missed," Aaron said, and tried to ignore what those words could mean.
Dave smiled and rubbed the cat's ears. "I guess so," he said. "Good to know he realizes I was gone." He sighed. "You'll let him sleep in the bed, right?"
Aaron's lips quirked up. "If that's what you want."
"He might get lonely otherwise." Dave reached his free hand out towards Aaron. "Thanks for bringing him."
"Thank Sean," Aaron said, moving to take Dave's hand.
Dave laughed. "A'right, thanks, Sean," he murmured. He was silent for a while, holding Aaron's hand and petting the cat. "Team have a case?" he asked finally.
Aaron sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. "I haven't got the foggiest."
"Mm. Just wondering. Haven't seen..." Dave trailed off. "Oh fuck. Tall. Skinny. Pretty. Dammit, what's--Spencer." He stopped talking and covered his face with his hand. "Oh, God, Aaron, I can't stand this," he whispered. "What if I forget your name next?"
"I don't know," Aaron said, feeling twenty pounds heavier suddenly. "I can't say I haven't worried about it."
"Don't tell him I forgot," Dave said. "It doesn't mean I don't love him." He sighed. "I'm so damn tired."
"You keep saying that," Aaron said. "I'm starting to think you mean it." He couldn't help the sadness in his expression.
"Sorry," Dave murmured. He found Aaron's hand with his own again. "Thanks for bringing Fuzzy." Aaron didn't bother to tell Dave he'd already said that.
"Hey, how come Dave gets to say the F-word and I can't say 'crap'?" Jack asked suddenly.
"Jack," Aaron scolded, frowning at his son.
Dave made a noise that seemed caught between laughter and a groan. "Sorry," he mumbled. "Shouldn'a said that. You shouldn't, either, Jack."
"It's just a word," Jack insisted.
"Say it again and you're grounded," Aaron warned, but he instantly wondered what 'grounded' would be here. He hoped just the threat would work.
"S'a word lots of people don't like," Dave said. "Including your parents, even if I slip sometimes." More than sometimes, Aaron thought, but didn't bother correcting him. "C'mere," Dave said.
"Me?" Jack asked.
"Yeah, you."
Jack climbed up onto the bed on the opposite side from Aaron and put a hand on Dave's arm. Dave smiled.
"You're a smart kid," Dave said. "And smart people don't need to swear. They can say stuff without...without...ah, without those words." Dave quit petting Fuzzy and took Jack's hand in his. "I'm proud of you, kiddo. Got your math grades up. Been doing good in school and sports and guitar. And ya even speak Italian." His mouth quirked in a lazy smile. "You know that always, okay? I've always loved you and been proud of you."
Aaron watched them, glad Dave was saying this. Jack would remember it later. But right now, it was hard watching Dave do this, making sure everyone knew how he felt about them. Jack didn't look very sure either, but he held Dave's gaze and nodded.
"Yeah?" Dave said, and Jack remembered to answer aloud.
"Okay."
"You can go to whatever college you want. Don't let your dad push you into Yale just 'cause he went there, especially if you want to go to Columbia." Dave grinned. "And you promise me you'll always look out for Henry, okay? He'll get better as he grows up--just like you did."
Jack frowned. "Heeeey, I was never like Henry!"
Dave snorted. "Trust me, kiddo, you were pretty annoying before you finished your bed-wetting days." He was grinning at Jack though.
"You're mean," Jack said.
"Hope your dad never tried to convince you a brain tumor was gonna make me nicer," Dave said. He patted Jack's hand and sighed. "I'm kidding, Jacko. You're a good kid, and I love you. Always." Dave tugged until Jack had settled down against him. Aaron brushed his hand over the short, bristly hair that was growing back in on Dave's head.
"I love you both," he murmured.
In a few minutes, Dave was asleep.
***
As the next few days stretched out, Dave spent more time sleeping. Fuzzy spent most of that time curled up next to Dave, though he did develop an embarrassing habit of escaping if the door was open for too long. It became standard for one of the hospice volunteers to show up at the door with Fuzzy, usually about thirty seconds after Aaron realized the cat was missing.
Georgie and his wife came down for a weekend, and Dave rallied a bit. They played cards for a long time Saturday, and had a good long talk. They couldn't afford to keep the garage closed, though, so they headed back to Jersey early Monday morning. Mid-morning Jimmy Davison came by to take Dave's confession and administer the Eucharist and the Prayer for the Sick. Aaron didn't know if that was what Dave had been waiting for, but by Monday evening he'd slipped into a sleep that was restless, but somehow hard to wake him from.
It felt like it had lasted for far too long when Aaron slumped into the chair next to Dave's bed and didn't leave. Unless Dave snapped out of it, which Aaron knew wouldn't happen, he wasn't planning to leave. When no one nagged him, hours later, to take care of himself--'go get some fresh air' or 'you should eat something' or 'go home and get some sleep'--Aaron felt like he was being crushed by some weight he couldn't see.
Nurses came and went, and Aaron could barely even speak to them. He'd barely spoken to his family, and when Sean nudged him gently late in the day, Aaron felt like he'd been dragged out of a daze.
"Aaron," Sean said, "we should call the others. Get the team here."
Aaron looked around for Jack and saw that he was reading, his earphones in his ears.
Aaron didn't look at Sean. He just tried to keep his breathing steady. "He's still got a little while," he said, wanting desperately for Sean to agree with him, but not expecting him to.
Sean was quiet for a moment. Finally he squeezed Aaron's shoulder. "I think we should call the others," he said again.
Aaron dragged in another breath, this one not as smooth. "I don't know if I can," he whispered.
"I'll do it," Sean said. He squeezed Aaron's shoulder again. "You ought to be here with him anyway." He patted Aaron's shoulder, then went to Jack and pulled his earphones out. "Get up, kiddo. Go sit with your dad."
Jack blinked at Sean for a minute, then looked at Aaron. Aaron didn't know if Jack understood, or if he was just doing what Sean told him. But he got up and climbed in Aaron's lap, twining his arms around Aaron's neck.
"Hey," he said, for once having no idea what to say to his son, and knowing his expression as a little blank. He fumbled his phone out of his pocket and handed it to Sean.
Sean nodded and stepped out of the room, pulling the door shut behind him.
"What's Uncle Sean doing?" Jack asked.
"He's calling people so they can come see Dave," Aaron said, running a hand over Jack's back.
"People always come see Dave," Jack said. "Why does he need to call them?"
"Because..." Aaron wasn't sure he could say it, but then he didn't want Jack to hear from anyone else. "Dave's... Dave's ready to die, buddy," he said, rubbing Jack's back again. "Soon," he added, his voice shaking.
Jack frowned and looked over at Dave. "He's sleeping," he said. "Right? He's just sleeping." He looked back at Aaron, his breath coming faster. "Dad? He's just sleeping, right?"
Aaron pulled Jack closer, feeling slightly better that he could switch roles and be strong for Jack now. He'd rather deal with this than his own utter heartbreak. "Jack... I don't know... if he'll wake up again."
"But--but he has to, Dad." Jack's breathing was about to cross the line into sobs as tears welled up in Jack's eyes. "He has to, he said he'd teach me to play poker after I read the cards for him yesterday." He slithered out of Aaron's lap and ran over to the bed. Fuzzy hissed in surprise, then retreated down to Dave's feet. "You have to wake up, Dave, you have to," Jack said.
"Jack," Aaron said, watching him. He didn't want to pull Jack away for doing exactly what Aaron wished he could do. He held out his hand to Jack. "Please."
"He has to wake up, Dad," Jack said, his voice going high-pitched as his tears overflowed and slid down his cheeks. "He has to wake up, he has to wake up."
"Dave's been in a lot of pain," Aaron said. "And he won't be soon." He felt like a hypocrite, reciting words he knew he was supposed to say, even when they didn't make him feel better at all.
"But he won't be here. He won't be with us." Jack's face screwed up and he leaned down, burying it against Dave's chest. "How can he be happy without us?" he asked, his voice muffled.
Aaron sighed and rubbed his face. "Dave believes that there's a heaven, and it's a good place, and he'll be happy and be able to see us." If Dave is right, Aaron thought, his mind drifting to the idea of Dave just decomposing in the ground with nothing else. He closed his eyes and tried to push the thought away.
Jack let out a sob, but he stood up. "Is Dave right?" he asked. "Do you believe that?" He came back and climbed into Aaron's lap again.
Aaron was grateful Jack came back, but was less grateful for the question. Still, he pulled Jack close against him and stroked his hair. "I don't know," he admitted finally, not wanting to lie. "I'd like to. But none of us knows until we die." He paused, then settled Jack closer to him and said, "Dave gets to find out the big secret."
Jack let out another sob, but he was holding on to Aaron now. "I want Dave to be able to see us," he whispered. "He likes it when I play my guitar. And he always cheers when I make a basket." He was still crying.
"I know he'll be watching us if he can," Aaron said. He sighed heavily and rocked Jack a little. "He's still with us now, though. Even if he doesn't wake up, he can probably still hear you, if you need to say anything to him."
Jack whimpered against Aaron's neck. "I love him," he whispered. "Daddy, I love him."
Someone tapped on the door and Sean stepped back inside. He looked at Aaron.
Aaron held his gaze for a long moment, just rocking Jack a little, then finally said, "Did you get them?"
"JJ, Morgan, and Father Davison," Sean said. "And Haley. Emily and Spencer are in upstate New York at a consultation." He paused and Aaron saw his jaw working for a moment. "Spencer's really upset," he added softly.
Aaron nodded slowly. "I can imagine," he said, and sighed. He had the sudden and intense urge for this to be over. Dave was suffering. They were all suffering, and just waiting. And as quickly as the desire came, Aaron was overcome with guilt to have even thought it. He drew a shuddery breath and lifted a hand to hold Dave's cool fingers.
Jack turned in his arms, wiping his face. "I love you, Dave," he said. "Thank you for my drum." He sniffled. "I'm sorry for when I didn't want to tell the kids at school about you." He let out a high-pitched whimper and reached out to touch Dave's arm. "I love you."
"We both do," Aaron told Dave, running his thumb along Dave's hand. "JJ and Morgan are coming, if you can wait for them," he added. "Reid and Prentiss are pretty far off; I know you hate that, but you're more than welcome to hold on for them too." Those words made his eyes sting, so he stopped talking.
Sean came to the other side of the bed and pulled a chair close. "I'm here too," he said quietly. "And I want you to know how grateful I am that you've made my big brother happy." He put his hand on Dave's shoulder. "You have, Dave. You made Aaron really happy." Sean had tears in his eyes. "You're part of our family." He paused, then added, quietly, "I love you."
I don't know what I'm going to do without you, Aaron thought. I want to go back and do it all over again, from the first case we ever worked together. He couldn't say the words out loud, though, not in front of Jack and Sean, so he just squeezed Dave's hand.
He knew he was probably imagining that Dave's fingers twitched in his. Sean looked across Dave's chest at Aaron, then said, "Jack."
Jack looked over at his uncle, and Sean pressed his lips together, then held out a hand. "Let's give Dave and your dad a few minutes alone, huh?" He stood up. "Your dad'll call us back in soon."
Jack looked like he might argue, but then he looked up at Aaron's face and nodded. "Come get us," he said, but he went around to take Sean's hand. Sean held Aaron's gaze for a long time, and Aaron nodded. Sean might have buckled under pressure before, but he still understood Aaron.
Aaron watched until the door clicked shut, then looked back at Dave. "You're too thin," he said, and for some reason, of anything he could have thought to say, those words started the flow of tears. "God, Dave."
He just sat there for a moment, watching Dave, then finally forced himself to sit on the bed, not bothering with the wetness dripping from his chin. "I suppose if I told you I wasn't ready for this, it wouldn't change anything now, huh? Our bed is so lonely without you. It's hard to sleep in it, and when I do, I keep waking up and expecting you to be there. And realizing you're not is enough to make me never want to sleep in it again just to save myself the crushing disappointment."
By the time he managed to get all that out, he was sobbing, and he leaned down against Dave's chest, feeling somehow less comforted by the way Dave wasn't going to hold him back, even if he was unwilling to pull away. "I love you. I love you so much. I could say that every day for the rest of my life and I'll never feel like I got to tell you enough."
Dave took a slow breath that rattled in his chest. Aaron couldn't help wishing Dave would wake up. He couldn't stop wishing for a miracle, even though he didn't believe in them. He wished he himself could wake up, and this could have been a bad dream. He took a shaky breath. "I love you," he whispered.
He took a moment to breathe, trying to steady himself. After a long silence, he said, "Falling in love with you was the most incredible thing, Dave. With Haley, I knew what I wanted, and it wasn't anything that I hadn't expected to want, but with you it was... so exciting, and frightening, and God, I didn't think we should do it, but I'm so glad you knocked some sense into me." He drew a ragged breath. "Even if you are being an asshole and leaving me too soon."
A sob shook his body as he fought it down. Dave stirred, but he'd been doing that occasionally. God, what Aaron wouldn't give for just one word from Dave. He lifted a hand and traced it down his lover's cheek. What would he do without Dave? How would he ever be able to go on?
"I'm going to miss you. But you already know that. What can I tell you that you don't know?" His throat tightened. "That pot on the deck that used to have rosemary growing in it... remember? The one that got broken in the storm? It didn't get broken in the storm. I knocked it off the deck, and I'm sorry," he said, his tears coming in little hiccups suddenly.
Dave's breathing paused for a long time. Aaron finally jerked his head up to stare at him, afraid that he'd made Sean and Jack miss it. But then Dave took another breath, slow and rattling, and Aaron couldn't help but be relieved even though he knew that every moment was suffering for Dave now.
As Aaron stared at Dave's face, trying to memorize every detail, he saw Dave's eyelids flutter. Aaron's breath caught in his throat, but Dave just took another breath.
"God, please, anything," he blurted, his chin started to quiver. "There's so much left to tell you, so much... like, ah... when I was little, I used to want to grow up and marry Barbara Eden... and live in her magic bottle," he said, because it was the random admission that Dave had responded to last time. Aaron watched him for a moment, though, and nothing happened this time.
He clamped his eyes shut and pressed his hand over them. "God, I'm so stupid."
There was a tap on the door and Sean's voice said, "JJ and Derek and Jimmy are here." Then the door clicked shut again.
Dave's breathing paused again. Then he took another rattling breath. It seemed deeper than the one before. And then Dave's voice whispered, "A'rn."
Aaron's breath left him and he had to fight for it, reaching up and cupping Dave's face between his hands. "Dave," he said urgently. "Dave, I'm here."
Dave made another noise. His eyes fluttered, but didn't really open. After a long moment his lips parted and he breathed, "Luhh." His lips curled just slightly.
"Love you," Aaron said, not knowing if that was what Dave had been trying to say or not, if that sound had even been intentional at all. "God, Dave, I love you so much." He brushed his thumb over Dave's cheek. "Please," he managed, breathless. "Please." He wasn't even sure what he was asking for.
Dave turned his head slightly, towards Aaron. He made another noise, but he was slipping back out of consciousness already. A sob escaped Aaron's throat.
He dropped his head to Dave's chest, caught somewhere between gasping for breath and choking on tears for a moment. He should let everyone in, but he couldn't help but cling to the hope that Dave might wake up again. "I love you," he whispered again.
Dave didn't respond. He kept breathing, slow and halting. Aaron clung to him for a long time, but finally forced himself to get up. "I'll be right back," he promised, trying to get his sobs under control. "JJ and Morgan want to say goodbye." Another sob escaped him and he pressed his hands against his face for a long moment, then dragged in a slow, controlled breath. Then he went to the door and pulled it open.
Morgan was leaning against the wall across from the door, his arms wrapped around JJ. He looked up when the door opened, and Aaron saw that his cheeks were wet. Sean was sitting in a chair a little ways down the hall. Jack was in his lap. Haley was standing next to them, her hand stroking Jack's hair. Jimmy was standing near Morgan and JJ, but slightly apart; he was obviously there if anyone needed them, but didn't want to intrude, even if he'd been Dave's friend longer than any of the rest of them.
Aaron didn't say anything, just held the door open wider, and they all filed in.
Jack hung back from the bed, and Haley stayed with him. Aaron collapsed in the chair across the room just watching them all. This didn't feel real. Dave was still alive; he was still in that body... and not long from now he wouldn't be, and Aaron wouldn't even have this imitation of a life together anymore.
Sean came over and stood near Aaron, but didn't say anything. Aaron didn't listen to what JJ and Morgan said to Dave. He didn't think he had the strength to listen. All he could really think about was the things he wanted to say to Dave, or the things he wanted Dave to say to him.
JJ pressed a kiss to Dave's forehead, and Aaron thought that should have warmed him, but it didn't. She wouldn't have done that if Dave wasn't dying. Aaron kissed Dave every day, had become accustomed to kissing Dave, he thought bitterly, and he'd never get a kiss from Dave again.
Eventually, everyone stopped crowding around the bed, and Aaron was able to move back and sit next to Dave, curling his fingers around Dave's limp hand again. You always looked fantastic in that slate gray tie I bought you. You had the most ridiculous road rage in the world. I have that birthmark on your shoulder blade memorized, you know? Aaron was vaguely aware that the other people in the room were talking quietly, but he couldn't stop thinking things at Dave. The first time we made love, I was terrified, and you were so gentle with me.
After a while the conversation faded and everyone seemed to be listening as Dave's breathing rattled in his chest. Fuzzy had picked his way back up to curl against Dave's shoulder and was watching him. Jack's bedtime passed, but Jack just leaned against Aaron's legs, one arm holding on to him.
It was twenty-four minutes past ten when Dave took his last breath.
It started just like all the others did: long, slow, shallow. Then it stopped, which it had been doing each time, just before Dave exhaled... but this time the exhalation wasn't controlled; it was a quick huff of air. Aaron's head jerked over to look at Dave, and the longer he waited for Dave to take another breath, the more he felt like his chest was in a vice. He wanted to plead with Dave to keep breathing, but it just meant more pain for Dave and was a futile wish.
When Aaron finally noticed Dave's chest wasn't moving, he realized he was holding his breath, and sucked in the one he'd been waiting for Dave to take, emotion flooding him like he'd suddenly breathed it in. His eyes welled up and he opened his mouth to make sure everyone realized what just happened, but then just sat there trying to form words that wouldn't come.
JJ seemed to realize it first. She sucked in a quiet breath that sounded like a sob. Then Jack lifted his head and looked up at Aaron. Morgan got up from the couch and rested a hand on JJ's shoulder, then came over to the bed and stared down at Dave, his cheeks wet. Aaron still couldn't speak.
"Dad?" Jack said, his voice tiny, and Aaron tried to force himself back into reality, but blessedly Haley came over and wrapped her arms around Jack from behind, resting her chin on his shoulder.
"Mom?" Jack whimpered.
"Dave's gone, Jack," she said, smoothing his hair. When Jack turned toward his mother and started crying, Aaron just wanted to disappear.
Dave's gone. Morgan came over and put a hand on Aaron's shoulder. Aaron stared at his lover, realizing how peaceful Dave's expression seemed. Dave's gone. It didn't seem possible. Dave couldn't be gone. The cat put his head down and closed his eyes, and Aaron found himself wondering if Fuzzy realized it. Dave's gone.
Dave couldn't be gone, Aaron thought again, uselessly. He realized after a moment that he was still holding Dave's hand, and he wondered if he should stop. Dave wouldn't feel it anymore, but Aaron found he couldn't let go.
Everyone was so quiet, except for Jack; Aaron wondered if they were waiting for him to say something, and if he did, were they all going to fall apart? He wasn't sure he could handle that.
Morgan made an unhappy noise and squeezed Aaron's shoulder. "God, Hotch," he whispered. "I'm so sorry, man."
Aaron closed his eyes and shook his head silently. It was nothing anyone should be sorry about, and the apology did nothing but cause a little tiny ember of anger inside Aaron. He tried to stomp it out, clutching Dave's hand for the warmth that would soon be gone, then opened his eyes, finally reaching out and touching Jack's shoulder.
Jack let out a little wail at that and launched himself into Aaron's arms. He clung to Aaron and sobbed loudly, his small body shaking.
"It's okay," Aaron finally murmured, finally letting go of Dave's hand and holding Jack tightly, stroking his hair. It wasn't okay. It was very far from okay. But it felt a little better to comfort Jack than it did to focus on himself.
"It's not okay!" Jack shouted. "Dave's dead. It's not okay. You ought to be sad!"
JJ sobbed at that, and slipped out of the room. When Aaron looked up, Sean was wiping his face.
"I am sad," Aaron said quietly. "I'm so sad it hurts, but Dave isn't hurting anymore."
Jack whimpered and clutched at Aaron again. "I'm so sad it hurts too," he said.
Sean let out a shuddery breath, but didn't leave.
"I'm sorry," Aaron murmured, his lips pressed to Jack's hair.
"Jack, it'll be okay," Haley whispered, and Aaron glanced up at Morgan.
Morgan wiped his cheeks and crouched down next to Aaron. "Hey, buddy," he said softly. He rested a hand against Jack's back. "I was about your age when I lost my dad. You're gonna miss Dave for a long time." Morgan's voice caught for a moment, and when he continued it was rougher. "But he loved you, and he was proud of you. You gotta remember that." He lowered his head, maybe trying to hide his tears from Aaron.
Jack's sobs quieted a little, but didn't stop. "I don't want him to be dead, I don't want him to be dead," he whimpered, his voice almost inaudible, muffled against Aaron's shirt. He kept repeating it, and Aaron ran his hand over Jack's back.
Aaron drew a deep breath, and managed to say, "Someone should tell a nurse."
Morgan sighed. "I'm sure JJ's got it. You don't need to worry about that." He stood up and placed a hand on Aaron's shoulder for a moment. "I'll go make sure. But don't worry about stuff like that. We'll take care of it."
He stepped out of the room. A minute later Sean followed him.
"Jack," Haley said quietly, and Jack stopped whimpering. "Let's let Daddy have a minute, okay?" she said.
"I don't want to leave Dave," Jack protested.
"You'll get to see him again," Haley said. "Just a few minutes." She held a hand out to him.
Jack pulled back and looked dubiously at Aaron, then kissed Aaron's cheek and took Haley's hand. She led him out, glancing back at Aaron just before slipping through the door.
Jimmy had been hanging back until that moment, but now he stepped forward and rested a hand on Aaron's shoulder. He didn't speak, letting the touch convey his presence. After a moment he squeezed gently and went to stand at the bedside, looking down at Dave. He took one of Dave's hands between his own and held it for a long time, weeping silently but unabashedly. Then he closed his eyes, his lips moving in a silent prayer for a moment. Finally he glanced back and Aaron and left.
Aaron drew in a shaky breath, ignoring the tears sliding down his cheeks. It was so fucking quiet, save Fuzzy's purring. "You have no reason to be happy," he told the cat quietly, but he was ignored. He sighed and closed his eyes, reaching out to take Dave's hand again, a thrill of unnecessary terror shooting through him at how much cooler Dave was already. "God, Dave. You bastard."
Something cold bumped his hand and he almost jumped; when he opened his eyes Fuzzy was nosing at his fingers. Still purring. Aaron stared at Dave. "I don't know how to do this without you," he whispered. "I'm not sure I can." Aaron bit the inside of his cheek, then pushed the cat gently. "Go away."
Fuzzy meowed at him and butted against his hand, but another nudge made his tail go up in affront and he stalked down to Dave's feet, where he sat with his back to Aaron. "I don't want to," Aaron said to Dave. "I don't want to do this without you." He sighed. "I resent that I have to."
He sighed and closed his eyes. "I love you. I hope you were right, and that you can hear me. I know you know how much you meant to me, but I can't help but hope to God you really understood just how deeply that went."
There was a light knock on the door and the center's night-shift doctor came in. She gave Aaron a sympathetic look, then came over long enough to inspect Dave. "I'm sorry for your loss," she said quietly, and then left.
The door clicked shut and Aaron looked at Dave again. "No one could possibly be sorry enough," he said.
He stared at Dave, thinking of the first day Dave was back, at the way he'd pulled Aaron into a hug that wiped away the years and distance that had settled between them. He didn't know what made him think of it just then. He thought of how Dave had been with him every step of the way during the Foyet case. He thought of how oddly nervous Dave had been about telling Jack about their relationship, and how much Jack had come to mean to Dave.
Aaron shivered and blinked, letting the tears slip down his cheeks again. "I'm so angry at you," he whispered. "You're abandoning me when I need you the most." He knew that was unfair. He needed Dave the most right now because Dave was gone. "You had better hope that I survive this, or we're going to be arguing about this sooner rather than later."
Aaron sat there for a long time, just listening to Fuzzy, trying to image what his life was going to be like now, even if he didn't want to. "I have to just leave you here," he said after a while, his voice shaking. "How am I supposed to just leave you here?" He sucked in a shaky breath. That's not Dave anymore. That's just his body. Stop being an idiot.
As soon as he thought it, he suddenly felt like he might suffocate if he sat in the room anymore. Just his body. He pushed himself out of the chair and went quickly to the door, then walked past everyone without a word, heading for the courtyard.
He heard someone say his name, but he didn't turn. When he got outside he stopped in front of the fountain, staring blankly at it. A moment later he felt a gentle touch on his hand, slender fingers curling around his. JJ had followed him. Her eyes were red, but she managed a tiny, thin-lipped smile for him. "I called the others to let them know," she said quietly. "Spencer told me to check on you. I sent Emily to his hotel room to check on him." She paused, looking down at their hands.
Aaron nodded numbly. "Thank you, JJ," he managed, but couldn't force anything else out. Aaron could barely talk to anyone but Jack, and JJ was already making the phone calls that needed to be made.
She squeezed his hand. "I know Dave made arrangements, but I don't know the name of the funeral home. Would you like me to call them too?"
Aaron sucked in a slow breath. "You don't need to do all this," he told her.
"You know me," she said, her lips quirking. "I like to be useful, and I'm good at coordinating stuff." After a moment she leaned in and hugged him. "It's better than doing nothing but being unhappy," she whispered.
"At least one of us is capable of doing more than that," he said, wrapping one arm around her shoulders. Then he sighed and gave her the name of the funeral home.
She made an unhappy noise. "I promised Dave I would help take care of you," she murmured. "Right now you don't need to worry about anything but you and Jack."
Aaron wondered how many people Dave made promise they would look after Aaron. Probably more than Aaron wanted to think about. "Thank you."
She finally pulled away and nodded. "Just let me know if there's anything else I can do," she said.
Aaron nodded and JJ left. Aaron just stood there for a long moment, then collapsed onto a bench nearby, staring at nothing. It felt like a long time later when he heard Jack's voice. "Daddy?"
Aaron turned to see Haley and Jack walking towards him.
"I want to go home," Jack said, his eyes sad.
Haley smiled sadly. "I was just telling Jack that you two should go rest."
"I'm not tired," Aaron said automatically, and a second later realized that was far from the truth.
"You will be," Haley predicted. She let go of Jack's hand and Jack came over and leaned against Aaron.
"I don't want to stay here any more," he said.
Aaron sighed and smoothed a hand over Jack's hair. He didn't really want to be here anymore either, but he felt a little like he might shatter if he left the building.
"Go on, Aaron," Haley said. "There's no reason to stay." She rested a hand on Aaron's shoulder. "And you're exhausted, whether you realize it now or not. Sean and Jimmy are going to stay with Dave until the funeral home comes."
Aaron sat there for a long moment, just watching Jack and trying to make sense of all the noise in his head. Eventually he sighed and nodded, then pulled Jack close and kissed the top of his head. "Okay. Let's go, buddy."
Jack held on to Aaron as he stood up. Haley gave Aaron a sad smile. "Sean put the cat in the travel box for you."
Aaron sighed and thanked her, then went back inside, where he said goodbye to everyone numbly, accepting a hug from Sean, and taking the cat with them.
They were quiet most of the way home, but as they pulled onto their block, Jack said, "Do you think Dave is already watching us?"
Aaron didn't answer for a moment. On one hand, if Dave was watching them, it meant he was around, that he hadn't just disappeared when he died. On the other hand, he didn't want Dave seeing him like this right now. He felt so much right now that he felt almost incapable of expressing any of it. "He might be," Aaron said finally, pulling into their driveway.
Jack was quiet. He carried Fuzzy's travel box in for Aaron, then took the cat out and hugged it. "Will you have to take care of Dave's cat now?" he asked.
"Our cat," Aaron muttered, thinking of the way Dave always corrected him on that. "Yeah. Fuzzy's going to miss Dave too."
Jack's lower lip quivered and his eyes went glassy again, but he didn't actually start crying. "D'you think Fuzzy knows Dave is dead?"
Aaron sighed. "I have no idea," he admitted, hating the defeat in his voice. He was quickly losing the energy to come up with well thought out answers to Jack's questions.
"I miss Dave," Jack said. His voice was quiet. "I'm tired, Daddy."
"Me too," Aaron admitted. "Let's get ready for bed, okay?"
Jack put Fuzzy down. "C'n I sleep with you?" he asked, looking up at Aaron with teary eyes.
Aaron felt a wash of unexpected relief that he wasn't going to have to sleep alone. He wasn't sure he could have. "Yeah," he said, and guided Jack down the hall. It was the first easy answer all night.
Author:
innerslytherin and severity_softlyArtist:
tliPairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 147,800
Summary: Futurefic--Shortly before Dave turns sixty, he is diagnosed with a grade III brain tumor. He and Aaron have to come to terms with what this means for their relationship. Eventually the team has to help Aaron say goodbye.
Notes: Heavy angst. Lots of medical detail. Character death. This fic would not exist without the extensive help, support, encouragement, and hand-holding from
resolucidity, who served as our medical consultant throughout.Master post
Chapter Nineteen
The hospice center was both better and worse than Aaron had expected.
Dave was given a private suite that had a bedroom and bath. A handmade quilt did nothing to disguise the fact that the bed was a standard-issue hospital bed. There was a couch and recliner, as well as a table and two chairs. A flat-panel TV was mounted on the wall opposite the bed, and shelves allowed them to display flowers and pictures of loved ones.
Of course, the appearance was all lost on Dave, and to Aaron it was just a horrible mockery of the comfort of home.
Dave seemed happy with it, though, and the staff was obviously competent and caring.
The team seemed to be coming and going in shifts. Aaron wasn't sure if some of them were leaving early and rotating who went. He didn't have the energy to ask either. He could honestly say he didn't care a damn bit about what was happening at the BAU right now. The place could be going up in flames, and Aaron just wanted to be here by Dave's side. Miserable.
He tried to sleep on the day bed provided in the room, but sometimes he just couldn't. Without Dave next to him, the bed was less comfortable.
Dave was never alone. Sometimes Aaron wondered if it bothered him to have people around, but Dave wasn't shy about expressing his desires, even if he was, for the most part, confined to the bed now. A couple of times he'd mustered the energy to go out to the courtyard, which had benches and Adirondack chairs and a whispering, bubbling fountain that was probably intended to give the courtyard an atmosphere of peace.
Aaron hated it. But he hated everything right now, so the opinion wasn't exactly objective.
Three and a half weeks after the move to hospice, Dave more or less stopped eating. He was still drinking, and liked it best when Aaron sneaked in a few sips of scotch. But Dave was restless, never still except in sleep, and the doctor told Aaron that they had perhaps two weeks to go. According to Dave's advance directive, there would be no feeding tubes or life support administered. Aaron couldn't stand it...but he agreed. He knew it was the right choice.
Aaron sat on the edge of the bed, every part of him aching, and still knowing he couldn't possibly be hurting as much as Dave right now. No one was in the room. Haley and Sean had taken Jack to get food, and they'd promised to bring Aaron back something.
"I love you," Aaron whispered, stroking Dave's cheek.
Dave shifted again and turned toward him. "Aaron," he breathed, looking pleased. "Love you." A spasm of pain crossed his face, then eased, and he opened his eyes. Aaron knew Dave's sight was completely gone now, but there still always seemed to be a light of recognition in Dave's eyes when he 'looked' at Aaron.
Aaron stroked his hand down Dave's chest. God, he was thin. He was just wasting away. "I didn't wake you, did I?"
"Wasn't asleep." Dave let out a long sigh. "Was dreaming earlier. Thought Max was here."
Aaron frowned, but just kept running his fingers over Dave.
"Guess he wasn't, huh? Max is dead. Isn't he? Couple years ago, wasn't it?" Dave closed his eyes. "Never did get along but I liked the bastard."
Aaron chuckled quietly, but could hear how hollow it sounded. He sounded hollow lately. It was probably because he felt it. "You make no sense," he teased.
"Yeah. Brain short-circuited, didn't you know that?" Dave smiled faintly. "Max is dead, right?"
"Yeah," Aaron said. He closed his hand over Dave's. "You were dreaming he was here?"
"Mm. Must have been a dream." Dave let out a long breath, and for a moment Aaron was seized with a gripping fear that he wasn't going to take another. It felt like too long, but eventually Dave inhaled and opened his eyes again. "How are you?"
Aaron huffed another laugh. "Do you have to ask?"
"That bad, huh." Dave lifted a hand slowly and covered Aaron's. "Should've brought Fuzzy here. Miss that cat."
"I doubt they'd allow us," Aaron said. He sighed. "I love you so much." I want to take you home.
"Sneak 'im in," Dave suggested. "What're they gonna do, kick me out?" His words were slow and slightly slurred these days, mostly because he was on a ridiculous dosage of morphine. Even that didn't entirely dampen the pain, Aaron knew, but it seemed to help. Dave shifted again.
"They'd kick the cat out," Aaron said. "And I'd have to make Sean take him home, because I'm not leaving."
Dave looked unhappy, but he quit pressing. Then he lapsed into a silence that was somehow worse than if he'd kept asking.
Aaron sighed. "Do you need anything?" He couldn't remember if he'd just asked that. He'd asked it so often these last few weeks.
For a moment Dave didn't answer, then he whispered, "Would you ask if I can have the cat here?"
Aaron sighed and scrubbed his hand over his face. Dave was still as stubborn as always. That was oddly relieving. "I'll ask," he said, then paused and added, "Right now?"
Dave didn't answer, but the look on his face clearly said yes, right now.
"Fine," Aaron said, and forced himself to get up and go find a nurse. He wasn't surprised when she laughed at his question. What did surprise him was what she said after she finished laughing.
"Of course. If the cat will make him happy, it's more than welcome. We want this to be as close to home for him as we can make it."
Aaron just blinked at her. "He can stay here?"
"Sure. He's not hostile, is he? We already have a note in the files to beware of Dave, but I want to know if we need to add 'beware of cat' too." She smiled at him.
Aaron let out a breath that was meant to be a laugh. "No. He's old. He's--" He shook his head and laughed quietly. "Sorry. Thank you."
She nodded. "Tell Dave his cat can come keep him company."
He went obediently back to the room, wondering why it had become easier to let the nurses tell him what to do. As he eased the door closed behind him, he thought Dave was asleep, but then he heard an indrawn breath and Dave spoke.
"Told you that was a bad idea. Should've stayed with Nicole."
Aaron stood there and watched. He wasn't sure if he should say anything or not. His lover was having a conversation with a dead colleague and Aaron was afraid to interrupt. He pressed his hands to his eyes, feeling stupid and completely lost, just listening to Dave.
"Was still stupid. She was gorgeous and you were her world." Dave smiled and shifted, then let out a short groan. "Best thing I ever did was find someone who could put up with me." He was silent as Max apparently said something. Then Dave snorted. "Aaron, dumbass."
Somehow a smile forced its way onto Aaron's face then, and he laughed quietly. It felt unnatural, but he couldn't help it.
Dave turned at the sound of his laughter. A smile lit his face. "I was just telling Max about you," he said. "About us. Where were you?"
"Asking a nurse about Fuzzy, since someone was pouting at me," Aaron said.
"I knew that," Dave said. "What did she say?"
"She said he can come," Aaron said, walking over to sit on the edge of the bed again.
Dave smiled again. "Good. I miss that cat." He lifted a hand in what had become his standard invitation lately for Aaron to kiss him.
Aaron leaned down and pressed his lips to Dave's, ignoring how chapped they were. He cupped Dave's face, then pulled back. "Handsome," he murmured. Dave, quite honestly, looked frail and sick. He looked like a dying man. But Aaron could look at him forever.
"So're you," Dave whispered, brushing his fingers against Aaron's cheek. "Love you so much. I'm glad you're here."
"Where else would I be?" Aaron murmured.
"Just here." Dave smiled faintly. "I'm grateful for you." He shifted and let out a little grunt. "Stay with me for a while? Right here?"
"Yeah," Aaron said. He wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed with Dave... but he was never going to be able to do that again..
"Yeah." Dave grunted again. He was trying to move, without much success. "Need to give you more room."
Aaron shook his head--he still did things like that, even though Dave couldn't see--and put his hand on Dave. "No, I'm fine."
"Nnh." Dave sighed. "Want you closer."
"There's not enough room," Aaron said, but shifted a little and tried to lie down a little. He was sort of hanging off the edge and couldn't relax, but he didn't want to crush Dave.
"They ought to put double beds in these," Dave murmured. He nuzzled against Aaron, and for a few minutes Aaron just listened to Dave breathing and tried not to fall off the bed. Eventually Dave shifted, though, and Aaron had to catch himself.
Aaron let out a breath and rested an arm gently over Dave, then he heard someone come in. When he looked up, it was Sean and Jack, and Aaron tried to sit up without stirring Dave too much. "Hey."
Dave roused. "Is Max back?" he mumbled.
"Hi," Sean said, as Jack ran over to climb up on the foot of Dave's bed. Dave had made it clear from the first day that was Jack's spot. Sean held up a paper bag. "Brought you a sandwich and fries."
"Thanks," Aaron said. He didn't feel like eating. He really hadn't for a while, but his pants had started to feel a little loose a couple of weeks ago and he'd been forcing himself to eat since then, with Haley and Sean's help. "Can you do me a favor?" he asked, taking the bag.
"Anything," Sean said. He rested a hand on Dave's foot. "How's it going, Dave?"
"Still here," Dave murmured.
Jack crawled up to lie down next to Dave. Aaron knew it was ridiculous, but he was jealous; Jack fit on the bed better than he did.
"Will you go get Fuzzy for us?" Aaron asked, looking away from Jack and back to his brother. "They said he could stay here if Dave wanted him."
"Really, you can bring Fuzzy?" Jack said, sounding excited.
"Sure," Sean said. "Need anything else from home?"
"Dave?" Jack said, and Aaron automatically turned. Jack was frowning and watching Dave. After a long moment Dave took a slow breath, and Aaron realized it had been one of the odd little hitches in breathing that had started coming more often.
"S'okay," Dave murmured after a while. "Didn't mean to fall asleep."
Aaron drew in a long breath and let it out, watching them for a moment. Then he looked back a Sean. "I can't think of anything else. I'll call you if I do."
Sean nodded, then leaned down to give Aaron a brief hug. He'd been doing that occasionally, like he was trying to stay in practice. "I'll be back soon, Dave." He left, and then it was just the three of them.
"Tell me a story," Dave said, brushing a hand over Jack's hair. "What sort of adventure did you have today?"
Aaron listened as Jack launched into a story about pirates and ninjas. Eventually a robot found its way into the story too. It was good to hear Dave laugh, even though it was breathy and weak these days.
Aaron forced himself to eat the food Sean brought him, though he couldn't manage all of it, then put the rest of it aside.
After a while it was clear that Dave had fallen asleep, and Jack stayed curled up against him for a while, but then he climbed down and got the checkers set out that Emily had brought. He nagged Aaron into playing checkers with him. During their third game, Sean got back with Fuzzy, the litterbox, and the food and water dishes.
Jack forgot they were being quiet and let out a cheer, which woke Dave. When he learned Fuzzy had arrived, he told Sean to put the cat up on the bed. Fuzzy immediately curled up against Dave's chest and started purring.
"I think you were missed," Aaron said, and tried to ignore what those words could mean.
Dave smiled and rubbed the cat's ears. "I guess so," he said. "Good to know he realizes I was gone." He sighed. "You'll let him sleep in the bed, right?"
Aaron's lips quirked up. "If that's what you want."
"He might get lonely otherwise." Dave reached his free hand out towards Aaron. "Thanks for bringing him."
"Thank Sean," Aaron said, moving to take Dave's hand.
Dave laughed. "A'right, thanks, Sean," he murmured. He was silent for a while, holding Aaron's hand and petting the cat. "Team have a case?" he asked finally.
Aaron sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. "I haven't got the foggiest."
"Mm. Just wondering. Haven't seen..." Dave trailed off. "Oh fuck. Tall. Skinny. Pretty. Dammit, what's--Spencer." He stopped talking and covered his face with his hand. "Oh, God, Aaron, I can't stand this," he whispered. "What if I forget your name next?"
"I don't know," Aaron said, feeling twenty pounds heavier suddenly. "I can't say I haven't worried about it."
"Don't tell him I forgot," Dave said. "It doesn't mean I don't love him." He sighed. "I'm so damn tired."
"You keep saying that," Aaron said. "I'm starting to think you mean it." He couldn't help the sadness in his expression.
"Sorry," Dave murmured. He found Aaron's hand with his own again. "Thanks for bringing Fuzzy." Aaron didn't bother to tell Dave he'd already said that.
"Hey, how come Dave gets to say the F-word and I can't say 'crap'?" Jack asked suddenly.
"Jack," Aaron scolded, frowning at his son.
Dave made a noise that seemed caught between laughter and a groan. "Sorry," he mumbled. "Shouldn'a said that. You shouldn't, either, Jack."
"It's just a word," Jack insisted.
"Say it again and you're grounded," Aaron warned, but he instantly wondered what 'grounded' would be here. He hoped just the threat would work.
"S'a word lots of people don't like," Dave said. "Including your parents, even if I slip sometimes." More than sometimes, Aaron thought, but didn't bother correcting him. "C'mere," Dave said.
"Me?" Jack asked.
"Yeah, you."
Jack climbed up onto the bed on the opposite side from Aaron and put a hand on Dave's arm. Dave smiled.
"You're a smart kid," Dave said. "And smart people don't need to swear. They can say stuff without...without...ah, without those words." Dave quit petting Fuzzy and took Jack's hand in his. "I'm proud of you, kiddo. Got your math grades up. Been doing good in school and sports and guitar. And ya even speak Italian." His mouth quirked in a lazy smile. "You know that always, okay? I've always loved you and been proud of you."
Aaron watched them, glad Dave was saying this. Jack would remember it later. But right now, it was hard watching Dave do this, making sure everyone knew how he felt about them. Jack didn't look very sure either, but he held Dave's gaze and nodded.
"Yeah?" Dave said, and Jack remembered to answer aloud.
"Okay."
"You can go to whatever college you want. Don't let your dad push you into Yale just 'cause he went there, especially if you want to go to Columbia." Dave grinned. "And you promise me you'll always look out for Henry, okay? He'll get better as he grows up--just like you did."
Jack frowned. "Heeeey, I was never like Henry!"
Dave snorted. "Trust me, kiddo, you were pretty annoying before you finished your bed-wetting days." He was grinning at Jack though.
"You're mean," Jack said.
"Hope your dad never tried to convince you a brain tumor was gonna make me nicer," Dave said. He patted Jack's hand and sighed. "I'm kidding, Jacko. You're a good kid, and I love you. Always." Dave tugged until Jack had settled down against him. Aaron brushed his hand over the short, bristly hair that was growing back in on Dave's head.
"I love you both," he murmured.
In a few minutes, Dave was asleep.
***
As the next few days stretched out, Dave spent more time sleeping. Fuzzy spent most of that time curled up next to Dave, though he did develop an embarrassing habit of escaping if the door was open for too long. It became standard for one of the hospice volunteers to show up at the door with Fuzzy, usually about thirty seconds after Aaron realized the cat was missing.
Georgie and his wife came down for a weekend, and Dave rallied a bit. They played cards for a long time Saturday, and had a good long talk. They couldn't afford to keep the garage closed, though, so they headed back to Jersey early Monday morning. Mid-morning Jimmy Davison came by to take Dave's confession and administer the Eucharist and the Prayer for the Sick. Aaron didn't know if that was what Dave had been waiting for, but by Monday evening he'd slipped into a sleep that was restless, but somehow hard to wake him from.
It felt like it had lasted for far too long when Aaron slumped into the chair next to Dave's bed and didn't leave. Unless Dave snapped out of it, which Aaron knew wouldn't happen, he wasn't planning to leave. When no one nagged him, hours later, to take care of himself--'go get some fresh air' or 'you should eat something' or 'go home and get some sleep'--Aaron felt like he was being crushed by some weight he couldn't see.
Nurses came and went, and Aaron could barely even speak to them. He'd barely spoken to his family, and when Sean nudged him gently late in the day, Aaron felt like he'd been dragged out of a daze.
"Aaron," Sean said, "we should call the others. Get the team here."
Aaron looked around for Jack and saw that he was reading, his earphones in his ears.
Aaron didn't look at Sean. He just tried to keep his breathing steady. "He's still got a little while," he said, wanting desperately for Sean to agree with him, but not expecting him to.
Sean was quiet for a moment. Finally he squeezed Aaron's shoulder. "I think we should call the others," he said again.
Aaron dragged in another breath, this one not as smooth. "I don't know if I can," he whispered.
"I'll do it," Sean said. He squeezed Aaron's shoulder again. "You ought to be here with him anyway." He patted Aaron's shoulder, then went to Jack and pulled his earphones out. "Get up, kiddo. Go sit with your dad."
Jack blinked at Sean for a minute, then looked at Aaron. Aaron didn't know if Jack understood, or if he was just doing what Sean told him. But he got up and climbed in Aaron's lap, twining his arms around Aaron's neck.
"Hey," he said, for once having no idea what to say to his son, and knowing his expression as a little blank. He fumbled his phone out of his pocket and handed it to Sean.
Sean nodded and stepped out of the room, pulling the door shut behind him.
"What's Uncle Sean doing?" Jack asked.
"He's calling people so they can come see Dave," Aaron said, running a hand over Jack's back.
"People always come see Dave," Jack said. "Why does he need to call them?"
"Because..." Aaron wasn't sure he could say it, but then he didn't want Jack to hear from anyone else. "Dave's... Dave's ready to die, buddy," he said, rubbing Jack's back again. "Soon," he added, his voice shaking.
Jack frowned and looked over at Dave. "He's sleeping," he said. "Right? He's just sleeping." He looked back at Aaron, his breath coming faster. "Dad? He's just sleeping, right?"
Aaron pulled Jack closer, feeling slightly better that he could switch roles and be strong for Jack now. He'd rather deal with this than his own utter heartbreak. "Jack... I don't know... if he'll wake up again."
"But--but he has to, Dad." Jack's breathing was about to cross the line into sobs as tears welled up in Jack's eyes. "He has to, he said he'd teach me to play poker after I read the cards for him yesterday." He slithered out of Aaron's lap and ran over to the bed. Fuzzy hissed in surprise, then retreated down to Dave's feet. "You have to wake up, Dave, you have to," Jack said.
"Jack," Aaron said, watching him. He didn't want to pull Jack away for doing exactly what Aaron wished he could do. He held out his hand to Jack. "Please."
"He has to wake up, Dad," Jack said, his voice going high-pitched as his tears overflowed and slid down his cheeks. "He has to wake up, he has to wake up."
"Dave's been in a lot of pain," Aaron said. "And he won't be soon." He felt like a hypocrite, reciting words he knew he was supposed to say, even when they didn't make him feel better at all.
"But he won't be here. He won't be with us." Jack's face screwed up and he leaned down, burying it against Dave's chest. "How can he be happy without us?" he asked, his voice muffled.
Aaron sighed and rubbed his face. "Dave believes that there's a heaven, and it's a good place, and he'll be happy and be able to see us." If Dave is right, Aaron thought, his mind drifting to the idea of Dave just decomposing in the ground with nothing else. He closed his eyes and tried to push the thought away.
Jack let out a sob, but he stood up. "Is Dave right?" he asked. "Do you believe that?" He came back and climbed into Aaron's lap again.
Aaron was grateful Jack came back, but was less grateful for the question. Still, he pulled Jack close against him and stroked his hair. "I don't know," he admitted finally, not wanting to lie. "I'd like to. But none of us knows until we die." He paused, then settled Jack closer to him and said, "Dave gets to find out the big secret."
Jack let out another sob, but he was holding on to Aaron now. "I want Dave to be able to see us," he whispered. "He likes it when I play my guitar. And he always cheers when I make a basket." He was still crying.
"I know he'll be watching us if he can," Aaron said. He sighed heavily and rocked Jack a little. "He's still with us now, though. Even if he doesn't wake up, he can probably still hear you, if you need to say anything to him."
Jack whimpered against Aaron's neck. "I love him," he whispered. "Daddy, I love him."
Someone tapped on the door and Sean stepped back inside. He looked at Aaron.
Aaron held his gaze for a long moment, just rocking Jack a little, then finally said, "Did you get them?"
"JJ, Morgan, and Father Davison," Sean said. "And Haley. Emily and Spencer are in upstate New York at a consultation." He paused and Aaron saw his jaw working for a moment. "Spencer's really upset," he added softly.
Aaron nodded slowly. "I can imagine," he said, and sighed. He had the sudden and intense urge for this to be over. Dave was suffering. They were all suffering, and just waiting. And as quickly as the desire came, Aaron was overcome with guilt to have even thought it. He drew a shuddery breath and lifted a hand to hold Dave's cool fingers.
Jack turned in his arms, wiping his face. "I love you, Dave," he said. "Thank you for my drum." He sniffled. "I'm sorry for when I didn't want to tell the kids at school about you." He let out a high-pitched whimper and reached out to touch Dave's arm. "I love you."
"We both do," Aaron told Dave, running his thumb along Dave's hand. "JJ and Morgan are coming, if you can wait for them," he added. "Reid and Prentiss are pretty far off; I know you hate that, but you're more than welcome to hold on for them too." Those words made his eyes sting, so he stopped talking.
Sean came to the other side of the bed and pulled a chair close. "I'm here too," he said quietly. "And I want you to know how grateful I am that you've made my big brother happy." He put his hand on Dave's shoulder. "You have, Dave. You made Aaron really happy." Sean had tears in his eyes. "You're part of our family." He paused, then added, quietly, "I love you."
I don't know what I'm going to do without you, Aaron thought. I want to go back and do it all over again, from the first case we ever worked together. He couldn't say the words out loud, though, not in front of Jack and Sean, so he just squeezed Dave's hand.
He knew he was probably imagining that Dave's fingers twitched in his. Sean looked across Dave's chest at Aaron, then said, "Jack."
Jack looked over at his uncle, and Sean pressed his lips together, then held out a hand. "Let's give Dave and your dad a few minutes alone, huh?" He stood up. "Your dad'll call us back in soon."
Jack looked like he might argue, but then he looked up at Aaron's face and nodded. "Come get us," he said, but he went around to take Sean's hand. Sean held Aaron's gaze for a long time, and Aaron nodded. Sean might have buckled under pressure before, but he still understood Aaron.
Aaron watched until the door clicked shut, then looked back at Dave. "You're too thin," he said, and for some reason, of anything he could have thought to say, those words started the flow of tears. "God, Dave."
He just sat there for a moment, watching Dave, then finally forced himself to sit on the bed, not bothering with the wetness dripping from his chin. "I suppose if I told you I wasn't ready for this, it wouldn't change anything now, huh? Our bed is so lonely without you. It's hard to sleep in it, and when I do, I keep waking up and expecting you to be there. And realizing you're not is enough to make me never want to sleep in it again just to save myself the crushing disappointment."
By the time he managed to get all that out, he was sobbing, and he leaned down against Dave's chest, feeling somehow less comforted by the way Dave wasn't going to hold him back, even if he was unwilling to pull away. "I love you. I love you so much. I could say that every day for the rest of my life and I'll never feel like I got to tell you enough."
Dave took a slow breath that rattled in his chest. Aaron couldn't help wishing Dave would wake up. He couldn't stop wishing for a miracle, even though he didn't believe in them. He wished he himself could wake up, and this could have been a bad dream. He took a shaky breath. "I love you," he whispered.
He took a moment to breathe, trying to steady himself. After a long silence, he said, "Falling in love with you was the most incredible thing, Dave. With Haley, I knew what I wanted, and it wasn't anything that I hadn't expected to want, but with you it was... so exciting, and frightening, and God, I didn't think we should do it, but I'm so glad you knocked some sense into me." He drew a ragged breath. "Even if you are being an asshole and leaving me too soon."
A sob shook his body as he fought it down. Dave stirred, but he'd been doing that occasionally. God, what Aaron wouldn't give for just one word from Dave. He lifted a hand and traced it down his lover's cheek. What would he do without Dave? How would he ever be able to go on?
"I'm going to miss you. But you already know that. What can I tell you that you don't know?" His throat tightened. "That pot on the deck that used to have rosemary growing in it... remember? The one that got broken in the storm? It didn't get broken in the storm. I knocked it off the deck, and I'm sorry," he said, his tears coming in little hiccups suddenly.
Dave's breathing paused for a long time. Aaron finally jerked his head up to stare at him, afraid that he'd made Sean and Jack miss it. But then Dave took another breath, slow and rattling, and Aaron couldn't help but be relieved even though he knew that every moment was suffering for Dave now.
As Aaron stared at Dave's face, trying to memorize every detail, he saw Dave's eyelids flutter. Aaron's breath caught in his throat, but Dave just took another breath.
"God, please, anything," he blurted, his chin started to quiver. "There's so much left to tell you, so much... like, ah... when I was little, I used to want to grow up and marry Barbara Eden... and live in her magic bottle," he said, because it was the random admission that Dave had responded to last time. Aaron watched him for a moment, though, and nothing happened this time.
He clamped his eyes shut and pressed his hand over them. "God, I'm so stupid."
There was a tap on the door and Sean's voice said, "JJ and Derek and Jimmy are here." Then the door clicked shut again.
Dave's breathing paused again. Then he took another rattling breath. It seemed deeper than the one before. And then Dave's voice whispered, "A'rn."
Aaron's breath left him and he had to fight for it, reaching up and cupping Dave's face between his hands. "Dave," he said urgently. "Dave, I'm here."
Dave made another noise. His eyes fluttered, but didn't really open. After a long moment his lips parted and he breathed, "Luhh." His lips curled just slightly.
"Love you," Aaron said, not knowing if that was what Dave had been trying to say or not, if that sound had even been intentional at all. "God, Dave, I love you so much." He brushed his thumb over Dave's cheek. "Please," he managed, breathless. "Please." He wasn't even sure what he was asking for.
Dave turned his head slightly, towards Aaron. He made another noise, but he was slipping back out of consciousness already. A sob escaped Aaron's throat.
He dropped his head to Dave's chest, caught somewhere between gasping for breath and choking on tears for a moment. He should let everyone in, but he couldn't help but cling to the hope that Dave might wake up again. "I love you," he whispered again.
Dave didn't respond. He kept breathing, slow and halting. Aaron clung to him for a long time, but finally forced himself to get up. "I'll be right back," he promised, trying to get his sobs under control. "JJ and Morgan want to say goodbye." Another sob escaped him and he pressed his hands against his face for a long moment, then dragged in a slow, controlled breath. Then he went to the door and pulled it open.
Morgan was leaning against the wall across from the door, his arms wrapped around JJ. He looked up when the door opened, and Aaron saw that his cheeks were wet. Sean was sitting in a chair a little ways down the hall. Jack was in his lap. Haley was standing next to them, her hand stroking Jack's hair. Jimmy was standing near Morgan and JJ, but slightly apart; he was obviously there if anyone needed them, but didn't want to intrude, even if he'd been Dave's friend longer than any of the rest of them.
Aaron didn't say anything, just held the door open wider, and they all filed in.
Jack hung back from the bed, and Haley stayed with him. Aaron collapsed in the chair across the room just watching them all. This didn't feel real. Dave was still alive; he was still in that body... and not long from now he wouldn't be, and Aaron wouldn't even have this imitation of a life together anymore.
Sean came over and stood near Aaron, but didn't say anything. Aaron didn't listen to what JJ and Morgan said to Dave. He didn't think he had the strength to listen. All he could really think about was the things he wanted to say to Dave, or the things he wanted Dave to say to him.
JJ pressed a kiss to Dave's forehead, and Aaron thought that should have warmed him, but it didn't. She wouldn't have done that if Dave wasn't dying. Aaron kissed Dave every day, had become accustomed to kissing Dave, he thought bitterly, and he'd never get a kiss from Dave again.
Eventually, everyone stopped crowding around the bed, and Aaron was able to move back and sit next to Dave, curling his fingers around Dave's limp hand again. You always looked fantastic in that slate gray tie I bought you. You had the most ridiculous road rage in the world. I have that birthmark on your shoulder blade memorized, you know? Aaron was vaguely aware that the other people in the room were talking quietly, but he couldn't stop thinking things at Dave. The first time we made love, I was terrified, and you were so gentle with me.
After a while the conversation faded and everyone seemed to be listening as Dave's breathing rattled in his chest. Fuzzy had picked his way back up to curl against Dave's shoulder and was watching him. Jack's bedtime passed, but Jack just leaned against Aaron's legs, one arm holding on to him.
It was twenty-four minutes past ten when Dave took his last breath.
It started just like all the others did: long, slow, shallow. Then it stopped, which it had been doing each time, just before Dave exhaled... but this time the exhalation wasn't controlled; it was a quick huff of air. Aaron's head jerked over to look at Dave, and the longer he waited for Dave to take another breath, the more he felt like his chest was in a vice. He wanted to plead with Dave to keep breathing, but it just meant more pain for Dave and was a futile wish.
When Aaron finally noticed Dave's chest wasn't moving, he realized he was holding his breath, and sucked in the one he'd been waiting for Dave to take, emotion flooding him like he'd suddenly breathed it in. His eyes welled up and he opened his mouth to make sure everyone realized what just happened, but then just sat there trying to form words that wouldn't come.
JJ seemed to realize it first. She sucked in a quiet breath that sounded like a sob. Then Jack lifted his head and looked up at Aaron. Morgan got up from the couch and rested a hand on JJ's shoulder, then came over to the bed and stared down at Dave, his cheeks wet. Aaron still couldn't speak.
"Dad?" Jack said, his voice tiny, and Aaron tried to force himself back into reality, but blessedly Haley came over and wrapped her arms around Jack from behind, resting her chin on his shoulder.
"Mom?" Jack whimpered.
"Dave's gone, Jack," she said, smoothing his hair. When Jack turned toward his mother and started crying, Aaron just wanted to disappear.
Dave's gone. Morgan came over and put a hand on Aaron's shoulder. Aaron stared at his lover, realizing how peaceful Dave's expression seemed. Dave's gone. It didn't seem possible. Dave couldn't be gone. The cat put his head down and closed his eyes, and Aaron found himself wondering if Fuzzy realized it. Dave's gone.
Dave couldn't be gone, Aaron thought again, uselessly. He realized after a moment that he was still holding Dave's hand, and he wondered if he should stop. Dave wouldn't feel it anymore, but Aaron found he couldn't let go.
Everyone was so quiet, except for Jack; Aaron wondered if they were waiting for him to say something, and if he did, were they all going to fall apart? He wasn't sure he could handle that.
Morgan made an unhappy noise and squeezed Aaron's shoulder. "God, Hotch," he whispered. "I'm so sorry, man."
Aaron closed his eyes and shook his head silently. It was nothing anyone should be sorry about, and the apology did nothing but cause a little tiny ember of anger inside Aaron. He tried to stomp it out, clutching Dave's hand for the warmth that would soon be gone, then opened his eyes, finally reaching out and touching Jack's shoulder.
Jack let out a little wail at that and launched himself into Aaron's arms. He clung to Aaron and sobbed loudly, his small body shaking.
"It's okay," Aaron finally murmured, finally letting go of Dave's hand and holding Jack tightly, stroking his hair. It wasn't okay. It was very far from okay. But it felt a little better to comfort Jack than it did to focus on himself.
"It's not okay!" Jack shouted. "Dave's dead. It's not okay. You ought to be sad!"
JJ sobbed at that, and slipped out of the room. When Aaron looked up, Sean was wiping his face.
"I am sad," Aaron said quietly. "I'm so sad it hurts, but Dave isn't hurting anymore."
Jack whimpered and clutched at Aaron again. "I'm so sad it hurts too," he said.
Sean let out a shuddery breath, but didn't leave.
"I'm sorry," Aaron murmured, his lips pressed to Jack's hair.
"Jack, it'll be okay," Haley whispered, and Aaron glanced up at Morgan.
Morgan wiped his cheeks and crouched down next to Aaron. "Hey, buddy," he said softly. He rested a hand against Jack's back. "I was about your age when I lost my dad. You're gonna miss Dave for a long time." Morgan's voice caught for a moment, and when he continued it was rougher. "But he loved you, and he was proud of you. You gotta remember that." He lowered his head, maybe trying to hide his tears from Aaron.
Jack's sobs quieted a little, but didn't stop. "I don't want him to be dead, I don't want him to be dead," he whimpered, his voice almost inaudible, muffled against Aaron's shirt. He kept repeating it, and Aaron ran his hand over Jack's back.
Aaron drew a deep breath, and managed to say, "Someone should tell a nurse."
Morgan sighed. "I'm sure JJ's got it. You don't need to worry about that." He stood up and placed a hand on Aaron's shoulder for a moment. "I'll go make sure. But don't worry about stuff like that. We'll take care of it."
He stepped out of the room. A minute later Sean followed him.
"Jack," Haley said quietly, and Jack stopped whimpering. "Let's let Daddy have a minute, okay?" she said.
"I don't want to leave Dave," Jack protested.
"You'll get to see him again," Haley said. "Just a few minutes." She held a hand out to him.
Jack pulled back and looked dubiously at Aaron, then kissed Aaron's cheek and took Haley's hand. She led him out, glancing back at Aaron just before slipping through the door.
Jimmy had been hanging back until that moment, but now he stepped forward and rested a hand on Aaron's shoulder. He didn't speak, letting the touch convey his presence. After a moment he squeezed gently and went to stand at the bedside, looking down at Dave. He took one of Dave's hands between his own and held it for a long time, weeping silently but unabashedly. Then he closed his eyes, his lips moving in a silent prayer for a moment. Finally he glanced back and Aaron and left.
Aaron drew in a shaky breath, ignoring the tears sliding down his cheeks. It was so fucking quiet, save Fuzzy's purring. "You have no reason to be happy," he told the cat quietly, but he was ignored. He sighed and closed his eyes, reaching out to take Dave's hand again, a thrill of unnecessary terror shooting through him at how much cooler Dave was already. "God, Dave. You bastard."
Something cold bumped his hand and he almost jumped; when he opened his eyes Fuzzy was nosing at his fingers. Still purring. Aaron stared at Dave. "I don't know how to do this without you," he whispered. "I'm not sure I can." Aaron bit the inside of his cheek, then pushed the cat gently. "Go away."
Fuzzy meowed at him and butted against his hand, but another nudge made his tail go up in affront and he stalked down to Dave's feet, where he sat with his back to Aaron. "I don't want to," Aaron said to Dave. "I don't want to do this without you." He sighed. "I resent that I have to."
He sighed and closed his eyes. "I love you. I hope you were right, and that you can hear me. I know you know how much you meant to me, but I can't help but hope to God you really understood just how deeply that went."
There was a light knock on the door and the center's night-shift doctor came in. She gave Aaron a sympathetic look, then came over long enough to inspect Dave. "I'm sorry for your loss," she said quietly, and then left.
The door clicked shut and Aaron looked at Dave again. "No one could possibly be sorry enough," he said.
He stared at Dave, thinking of the first day Dave was back, at the way he'd pulled Aaron into a hug that wiped away the years and distance that had settled between them. He didn't know what made him think of it just then. He thought of how Dave had been with him every step of the way during the Foyet case. He thought of how oddly nervous Dave had been about telling Jack about their relationship, and how much Jack had come to mean to Dave.
Aaron shivered and blinked, letting the tears slip down his cheeks again. "I'm so angry at you," he whispered. "You're abandoning me when I need you the most." He knew that was unfair. He needed Dave the most right now because Dave was gone. "You had better hope that I survive this, or we're going to be arguing about this sooner rather than later."
Aaron sat there for a long time, just listening to Fuzzy, trying to image what his life was going to be like now, even if he didn't want to. "I have to just leave you here," he said after a while, his voice shaking. "How am I supposed to just leave you here?" He sucked in a shaky breath. That's not Dave anymore. That's just his body. Stop being an idiot.
As soon as he thought it, he suddenly felt like he might suffocate if he sat in the room anymore. Just his body. He pushed himself out of the chair and went quickly to the door, then walked past everyone without a word, heading for the courtyard.
He heard someone say his name, but he didn't turn. When he got outside he stopped in front of the fountain, staring blankly at it. A moment later he felt a gentle touch on his hand, slender fingers curling around his. JJ had followed him. Her eyes were red, but she managed a tiny, thin-lipped smile for him. "I called the others to let them know," she said quietly. "Spencer told me to check on you. I sent Emily to his hotel room to check on him." She paused, looking down at their hands.
Aaron nodded numbly. "Thank you, JJ," he managed, but couldn't force anything else out. Aaron could barely talk to anyone but Jack, and JJ was already making the phone calls that needed to be made.
She squeezed his hand. "I know Dave made arrangements, but I don't know the name of the funeral home. Would you like me to call them too?"
Aaron sucked in a slow breath. "You don't need to do all this," he told her.
"You know me," she said, her lips quirking. "I like to be useful, and I'm good at coordinating stuff." After a moment she leaned in and hugged him. "It's better than doing nothing but being unhappy," she whispered.
"At least one of us is capable of doing more than that," he said, wrapping one arm around her shoulders. Then he sighed and gave her the name of the funeral home.
She made an unhappy noise. "I promised Dave I would help take care of you," she murmured. "Right now you don't need to worry about anything but you and Jack."
Aaron wondered how many people Dave made promise they would look after Aaron. Probably more than Aaron wanted to think about. "Thank you."
She finally pulled away and nodded. "Just let me know if there's anything else I can do," she said.
Aaron nodded and JJ left. Aaron just stood there for a long moment, then collapsed onto a bench nearby, staring at nothing. It felt like a long time later when he heard Jack's voice. "Daddy?"
Aaron turned to see Haley and Jack walking towards him.
"I want to go home," Jack said, his eyes sad.
Haley smiled sadly. "I was just telling Jack that you two should go rest."
"I'm not tired," Aaron said automatically, and a second later realized that was far from the truth.
"You will be," Haley predicted. She let go of Jack's hand and Jack came over and leaned against Aaron.
"I don't want to stay here any more," he said.
Aaron sighed and smoothed a hand over Jack's hair. He didn't really want to be here anymore either, but he felt a little like he might shatter if he left the building.
"Go on, Aaron," Haley said. "There's no reason to stay." She rested a hand on Aaron's shoulder. "And you're exhausted, whether you realize it now or not. Sean and Jimmy are going to stay with Dave until the funeral home comes."
Aaron sat there for a long moment, just watching Jack and trying to make sense of all the noise in his head. Eventually he sighed and nodded, then pulled Jack close and kissed the top of his head. "Okay. Let's go, buddy."
Jack held on to Aaron as he stood up. Haley gave Aaron a sad smile. "Sean put the cat in the travel box for you."
Aaron sighed and thanked her, then went back inside, where he said goodbye to everyone numbly, accepting a hug from Sean, and taking the cat with them.
They were quiet most of the way home, but as they pulled onto their block, Jack said, "Do you think Dave is already watching us?"
Aaron didn't answer for a moment. On one hand, if Dave was watching them, it meant he was around, that he hadn't just disappeared when he died. On the other hand, he didn't want Dave seeing him like this right now. He felt so much right now that he felt almost incapable of expressing any of it. "He might be," Aaron said finally, pulling into their driveway.
Jack was quiet. He carried Fuzzy's travel box in for Aaron, then took the cat out and hugged it. "Will you have to take care of Dave's cat now?" he asked.
"Our cat," Aaron muttered, thinking of the way Dave always corrected him on that. "Yeah. Fuzzy's going to miss Dave too."
Jack's lower lip quivered and his eyes went glassy again, but he didn't actually start crying. "D'you think Fuzzy knows Dave is dead?"
Aaron sighed. "I have no idea," he admitted, hating the defeat in his voice. He was quickly losing the energy to come up with well thought out answers to Jack's questions.
"I miss Dave," Jack said. His voice was quiet. "I'm tired, Daddy."
"Me too," Aaron admitted. "Let's get ready for bed, okay?"
Jack put Fuzzy down. "C'n I sleep with you?" he asked, looking up at Aaron with teary eyes.
Aaron felt a wash of unexpected relief that he wasn't going to have to sleep alone. He wasn't sure he could have. "Yeah," he said, and guided Jack down the hall. It was the first easy answer all night.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-09-28 10:21 am (UTC).
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And I think I'm starting to hate that little fucker Jack. He is like the vocalization of our id, saying what are feeling/thinking/complaining.
For what it's worth you did an amazing job with the death scene, capturing the randomness and franticness of it. And even though I might hate you for it a little bit, I think I really respect you for really going through all the stages and not glossing over anything.
And for random, I really loved the detail of Hotch noticing that it's something special that JJ kisses Dave too.
He took a moment to breathe, trying to steady himself. After a long silence, he said, "Falling in love with you was the most incredible thing, Dave. With Haley, I knew what I wanted, and it wasn't anything that I hadn't expected to want, but with you it was... so exciting, and frightening, and God, I didn't think we should do it, but I'm so glad you knocked some sense into me." He drew a ragged breath. "Even if you are being an asshole and leaving me too soon."
This part really got to me. As did the bit about the broken pot.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-29 12:56 am (UTC)The part you quote here was all
no subject
Date: 2011-10-14 10:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-19 12:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-28 01:42 pm (UTC)