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geekystudmuffinTitle: The Last Best Days
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innerslytherin and severity_softly
Artist:tli
Pairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 147,800
Summary: Futurefic--Shortly before Dave turns sixty, he is diagnosed with a grade III brain tumor. He and Aaron have to come to terms with what this means for their relationship. Eventually the team has to help Aaron say goodbye.
Notes: Heavy angst. Lots of medical detail. Character death. This fic would not exist without the extensive help, support, encouragement, and hand-holding fromresolucidity, who served as our medical consultant throughout.
Master post
Chapter Eighteen
Jack and Haley had been visiting for several days before Dave had a really bad day. He was glad he'd been able to deal with the pain well enough to get up and spend time with them, but on Thursday he just couldn't make himself get out of bed. He hurt, and just breathing seemed to take all the energy he had. Aaron, with tears in his eyes, finally stopped trying to get him out of bed. He helped Dave get his oxygen set up, hoping to help with the breathing problem, then Dave told him to go for a run. A while later Sean brought him breakfast on a tray.
Dave didn't eat much. He tried, but he wasn't really hungry anyway, and it was a lot of work trying to feed himself without getting food all over. He knew Aaron probably needed some time to himself. This was so hard on him, and it broke Dave's heart, but right now he was using all his strength to keep breathing. He didn't have any more to get out of bed just to make Aaron feel better.
Jack came in a while later to get the tray and scolded him for not cleaning his plate. It made Dave laugh. He offered Jack his hash browns, so for a while Jack stayed in and talked to him while eating the rest of the potatoes. Then he carried the tray out, saying he'd be back in a while to keep Dave company.
Dave closed his eyes and fumbled for the little electronic recorder he'd been keeping by the bed. The suggestion had been a good one, and Garcia had been happy to get him something modern that would save the recordings in digital format.
"Aaron, you mean the world to me," he said, holding the recorder close so he didn't have to talk loudly. "You always have, from the moment I began working with you, even if we weren't romantically involved for years afterwards. You're so intelligent, so diligent. I was impressed from the very beginning." He chuckled. "Did I ever tell you Rita used to call you my 'wife'? Every time you called and she answered the phone, she'd say, 'It's your wife'. Heh, I probably already told you that."
He paused. "I was gong to tell you something important. Can't remember what it was." He sighed. "I'm so tired, Aaron. I think I'm getting pretty close to the end. I hate leaving you like this. I hope you understand that I would have fought to the end if I'd thought it would make any difference. I didn't want to let you down."
He stopped talking as he heard footsteps outside his room. It became apparent it was Aaron before he even spoke, judging by the light panting. "Hey," Aaron said quietly, sounding like he was standing by the door.
Dave smiled and reached a hand towards him. "You're out of shape, lover," he teased.
Aaron sighed. "A little. Shouldn't take too long to get back." Dave heard Aaron walking, then Aaron's hand slipped into his. "It's all this lying in bed with you and eating the food Sean is making us." There was a smile in his voice.
"Mm. I love your body, whatever shape it's in," Dave mumbled. He wished he had the energy to show that these days. He squeezed Aaron's hand weakly. "Love you." He lifted his face to where he thought Aaron would realize he wanted a kiss.
Aaron's lips brushed Dave's lips, then Aaron sat at the edge of the bed. "Did you eat?"
"Little bit. Jack came in to see me." Dave smiled and closed his eyes. "He's a good kid."
"That can't be news," Aaron said. He touched Dave's face. "Think you can get up for a bit?"
Dave sighed. He really didn't want to get up. But he nodded slowly and set the recorder aside. "Help me up," he said.
"I need to shower, if you want to rest a few more minutes," Aaron said, touching Dave's arm soothingly.
"All right," Dave said, relaxing back down against the bed. He listened as Aaron got up and moved around the room, getting ready for his shower. As the water turned on, Dave dictated a message for Jack while it was in his mind. Then he relaxed until Aaron came back, warm from the shower, his hair still damp.
Dave stroked his fingers through it as Aaron leaned down for a kiss. "Are you really up to getting up?"
"I don't know," Dave admitted. He was short of breath just lying here. "Pretty tired."
Aaron sighed and kissed Dave's neck. "I would say it would get depressing just sitting in here, but I guess that's a moot point." He wrapped his arms around Dave gently.
Dave snorted. "Wouldn't mind company," he mumbled. The truth was, he was so tired these days that he didn't think he would have much longer to worry about it. It was too bad. He really had a lot more he'd wanted to do with his life.
"I can stay here," Aaron suggested.
"That would be nice," Dave murmured. He took a few breaths. "Maybe you'd...see if Spence or Emily would visit? D'like to see them." He'd like to see all of the team, but he didn't know how Aaron would feel about Dave summoning people in to say goodbye. Maybe a couple of them could visit today and a couple tomorrow. "I'm so tired, Aaron."
Aaron let out a heavy-sounding breath, and climbed into bed. He snuggled up close to Dave and rested his head on Dave's shoulder. "I know," he said, his voice thick. "I'll call them if you want. I didn't think you'd be up to company."
Dave lifted a hand and stroked it through Aaron's hair. "I think it would be best." He took a few breaths. "Maybe you'd help me get out to the living room. Maybe you and Sean could help me. I want to see them."
"I can help you," Aaron murmured. "I might be a little out of shape, but I'm not that bad."
Dave chuckled faintly. "I'm a little more delicate than I used to be," he said. He braced himself and pushed up into a sitting position, wincing at the way it hurt. God, everything hurt these days. It was ridiculous.
"Dave," Aaron said, sounding like he might argue, but then Dave just felt him shift away, and then he was at Dave's side. "Just tell me when you're ready."
Dave nodded. "No time like the present," he muttered. He let Aaron get an arm around him and pull him up, then managed to get most of the way down the hall before he had to stop, panting. "Sorry." He leaned on Aaron, pressing his forehead against Aaron's shoulder and willing the pain to lessen. It didn't work, so he fumbled for the morphine, releasing more into his blood. Thank God for the morphine. "Okay."
He felt Aaron nod and kiss his forehead, then they were moving again. It felt like ages before they were down the hall, and Dave felt someone else's hand on his arm when they got to the living room. "D'you need help?" Jack asked.
"Yeah." Dave forced a smile. "You make sure I put my ass where it belongs instead of the floor." Jack giggled, and someone else coughed, and Dave realized he shouldn't have said ass in front of Jack. Too late now.
They settled Dave on the couch, and Dave felt someone sit next to him that was too light to be anyone but Jack. Jack leaned against him and Aaron excused himself to go call Spencer and Emily.
"Can I get you anything?" Haley asked from across the room.
Dave sighed and fumbled until he'd got his arm around Jack. "Wouldn't mind something cool to drink," he said. God, this was awful. He was making them all do so much. He sighed and ruffled Jack's hair. "Been practicing your guitar, buddy?"
Jack nodded under Dave's hand. "Yeah. Uncle Sean taught me a song by the..."
"Who," Sean called from the other room.
"Who?" Jack called back.
Sean laughed. "The band is The Who."
"That's a really weird name for a band," Jack whispered to Dave.
Dave breathed a laugh. "Tell 'im you want to learn one by the Guess Who next," he advised.
"Huh?"
"The Guess Who."
"Who?"
Dave snorted.
"Daaaaaave," Jack whined. "Who?"
Dave heard Sean laugh. "Dave, stop being mean."
Dave grinned. "Or you could teach him something by The Band," he told Sean.
"What band?" Jack asked.
"This is starting to sound like an Abbott and Costello routine," Sean said. "Jack was telling me earlier how much he likes his drum, Dave."
"Mm, good. Was a good day when we got that," Dave murmured. He leaned his head back, remembering. "Got it in...in...on that trip."
"Ireland," Sean supplied.
Jack was quiet for a long moment, and when he spoke again, his voice was smaller. "How do you know it was a good day if you can't remember it?"
Dave sighed. "I remember the day. I couldn't remember the word." He petted Jack's hair. "That was the day your dad and I got our rings." He held up his left hand slowly for Jack, feeling it shake. The ring was a little loose, but Dave refused to take it off.
Jack took his hand just as Haley took the other, pressing a glass of water against his palm and not letting go until she was sure he had it.
"Why'd you get rings if you're just going to... um...?"
Dave smiled faintly. "Partly to help your dad," he said, his voice quiet. "And partly because I'll love him right up to last." He squeezed Jack weakly. "Just like I'll always love you."
"I'm glad you got me a drum instead of a ring," Jack said.
Dave laughed. "I figured it was a better present." He leaned down a little. "And way better than the sweater your dad picked out, right?"
Jack giggled but didn't answer. Dave didn't mind. He took a slow breath and leaned his head back. His head was aching again. He tried not to be obvious as he fumbled at his waist for another shot of morphine.
He failed. "Do you need help?" Jack said, his voice more serious.
"Jack," Haley said, her tone just slightly reproachful.
Dave let out a breath. "It's okay," he said, to both of them. "I just needed a little more medicine," he told Jack. "I'll be all right."
After a while Aaron came in and said Spencer and Emily would be out in a while. Sean got Jack to get his guitar and play for them while they waited, so Dave got Aaron to scoot closer and wrap an arm around him.
They were out of time. He didn't like being such a burden, having so many people wanting to help him do things. He just wanted to be with them. He wanted to have them around and not have them fussing over him. It's time to move, he thought, and resolved to talk to Aaron about it tonight. If he remembered.
When Spencer and Emily arrived, they had ice cream, chocolate syrup, and fresh strawberries. It was enough to tempt Dave into eating a dish, though he eventually had to admit defeat and have Aaron feed him. It was fucking humiliating, even if he knew no one minded.
When he was done, Aaron handed him a napkin, and Dave was grateful Aaron hadn't just wiped his mouth, then Aaron twined his fingers with Dave and squeezed. "I love you," he whispered under his breath while the others were talking.
Dave grunted, but murmured, "Love you too." He found himself leaning more heavily against Aaron as his energy waned. He enjoyed listening to Spencer talking about their latest case and the art history degree he was considering. Emily challenged Spencer to study comparative religions instead, and they spent some time wrangling in a friendly fashion over which would be more useful.
Finally Dave shifted and opened his mouth, and it got their attention. "Why does it have to be useful?" he asked. "Just make it something you enjoy. I remember Aaron telling me about the arguments he and..." Oh fuck. "...and his brother had over chef school."
"I just wanted to see him do well," Aaron said, tightening his grip on Dave's hand.
"He has," Dave whispered. He smiled. "I'm proud of you," he said, knowing Aaron's brother was there. "Aaron is too." He leaned his head on Aaron's shoulder. "Sorry. 'm so tired. Think I should lie down."
Aaron sighed. "Okay," he murmured, getting up and helping Dave gently off the couch, then wrapping his arms around Dave for a moment as he steadied him.
Dave tried to hold in a groan, but standing up sent a rush of pain to his head. He leaned heavily on Aaron, panting. "Sp-Spence," he managed. "C'mon." He still had things to say. Spencer couldn't go yet.
He heard Spencer make a choked noise, but a few moments later a wiry arm went around his waist. "I'm here, Dave," Spencer whispered.
Dave nodded. "Good," he sighed, and let them guide him back to the bedroom.
They got him in bed, and one of them (Aaron, Dave guessed) took his slippers off and pulled the blankets up over him. Aaron was breathing like it was hard to do, and not from exertion. "Do you want me to stay?" he asked finally, sounding a little upset.
"Can if you want," Dave murmured. He had hoped to get Spencer to help somehow with talking Aaron into the hospice center, but he knew better to hope for much in that regard. He shifted, trying to get comfortable. "Emily okay?" He still had her necklace. "Need her gift."
Aaron moved across the room, a drawer opened and shut, and then a small box was being pressed into Dave's hand. "I'll just be down the hall," Aaron said, and kissed Dave's forehead.
There was a brief silence, and then Aaron must have been gone, because Spencer said, "Are you about to say goodbye to me? Because I'm not entirely sure I want to hear it."
Dave took a long breath. "What do you want me to say instead?" he asked. He reached out, hoping Spencer would take his hand.
"I don't know." Spencer hesitated, then curled his fingers around Dave's. "I'm going to see you again. I can come tomorrow. Then you would have said goodbye too soon."
Dave huffed an acknowledgment. "Love you, Spencer. Need your help. With Aaron."
Spencer sat on the bed. "With what?"
"Hospice." Dave sighed. "How does he look now? He seems exhausted."
"He looks it," Spencer said. "Like he isn't sleeping well. Think he may have lost weight, just a little. What about hospice?"
Dave nodded, then clenched his jaw as that sent a jolt of pain through him. "I changed my mind," he said. "About dying at home. Too hard for him." He took a few measured breaths through his nose, willing the pain away, then gave up and pressed the morphine button. "Want to go to the center."
"Why are you telling me?" Spencer said.
"He might listen to you. He doesn't want to admit he's wearing himself out." Dave opened his eyes, even though it didn't really make much difference any more. "He might tell you the truth." A sudden wave of grief swamped Dave, and he pressed his lips together even as tears welled up and spilled over his cheeks. "I can't take care of him, Spencer," he whispered. "Used to take care of him." He squeezed his eyes shut again.
Spencer shifted and drew in a slow breath. "What makes you think he'll let me? Or that he won't just be mad you're not talking to him?"
"I'll talk to him tonight," Dave promised. "You talk to him tomorrow. Just try, Spencer. He respects your opinion."
"I--" Spencer paused and tightened his hand on Dave's. "I don't even know what to say."
"S'okay." Dave squeezed lightly. "Don't have to. Glad you're here." He took a shaky breath and turned his head to wipe his cheek against the pillow. "Proud to have been your friend. Always." He smiled and closed his eyes, trying to catch his breath. "Need to talk to Emily. Aaron has your souvenir."
"I, ah... I didn't mean that I wouldn't talk to him," Spencer said, his other hand touching Dave's arm.
"Okay." Dave shrugged awkwardly. "It's okay. Either way."
Spencer sniffed, obviously not ready to leave. "I really would give you my brain, if I could," he said, and Dave could hear the tears in his voice.
Dave smiled shakily and held his arms open in case Spencer wanted a hug. "I know," he whispered. "You're a good man."
Spencer rested against Dave's chest. "You have so much. A family, someone you love, Jack... everything. And I--" He stopped and drew in a shaky breath. "It's not fair."
Dave stroked his fingers through Spencer's hair. "No, it really isn't," he whispered. "And I have the best friends any man could want. I can trust you all to take care of Aaron." He wanted to break down and cry, but he thought it would take too much energy. He just let more tears slip down his cheeks. "Wanted to see you settled with someone before I died."
Spencer choked out a tearful laugh. "If it hasn't happened in this long, it probably never will. Not me I'm worried about anyway."
"There's nothing left to worry about me," Dave murmured. "Wanted you to know the joy I've had. Want so much happiness for you." He tightened his arms a little on Spencer.
"Don't feel like being joyful." Spencer shifted and wrapped his arms around Dave. "I love you too," he said, his voice wavering, and then he started sobbing quietly.
"I know," Dave whispered. He closed his eyes and let Spencer cry, petting his hair and wishing he could do anything else to help. God, he hated being so damned helpless.
"I wish... I don't know. I don't know what I wish," Spencer mumbled, lifting a hand to wipe his cheeks.
"Yeah." Dave sighed. "Me too."
Spencer drew in a gaspy breath. "You did come back to the BAU."
Dave forced a noise that was sort of like a laugh. "Just to prove you wrong," he mumbled.
Spencer made a funny noise. "I'm sorry," he said, pulling back and sniffing hard. "You wanted Prentiss."
"Don't apologize," Dave said, finding Spencer's face and cupping his cheek in a palm. He smiled up at Spencer, despite the tears. "I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Yeah. Yeah," Spencer said, nodding quickly. He wiped at his face and sat there a moment, presumably calming himself down. "Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow."
Dave patted Spencer's cheek gently. "Send Emily in, huh? Tell Aaron to give you a sip of scotch. No more." He gave Spencer a faint smile.
Spencer huffed a sad laugh as he stood. "Okay, grandpa," he teased, though he still sounded upset.
"Shut up," Dave muttered, but his smile strengthened.
"I'll get her." Spencer left and the room went quiet for a moment.
Dave just breathed deeply, trying to decide if involving Spencer in the discussion about hospice care had been a good idea. He had a feeling Aaron was going to be resistant, in spite of probably knowing full well he was stretching himself too thin. Maybe a second voice to Dave's argument was a good idea. Dave wasn't sure. But it was probably worth trying and he hoped Spencer would find the courage to say something. Not that Dave would be angry if he didn't. He could understand that too.
There was a knock across the room, then Emily's voice. "I sure hope whatever you're planning to say to me won't have me looking like Spencer does when I leave," she said. She settled on the bed and took Dave's hand. "What's wrong?"
Dave squeezed her hand, grateful that she'd reached out to him. "Have something for you," he murmured. "Picked it up on our trip." He smiled, remembering something Aaron had said. "Honeymoon."
"You didn't have to get me anything," she said, her fingers tracing his ring. "This was really sweet."
It took Dave a minute, then he realized what she meant. "I hope the ring wasn't a mistake," he murmured. "Anyway, I did need to get you something. Love you."
"I love you too," she said. "And it's not a mistake. Hotch... it'll be a good memory, eventually." She drew a deep breath. "God, I hate that."
"Hm." He squeezed her hand, then held up the box. "This one's yours."
She drew a deep breath and took the box. She was quiet for a moment, but Dave could feel her moving a little. "God," she whispered after a moment. "Dave, it's beautiful."
He smiled. "Made me think of you." He took a couple of breaths. "Beautiful." She was so beautiful and so strong.
"Shh." She shifted again, then took his hand and pressed his palm against the spot between her collar bones, letting him feel that she'd put it on. "I love it."
His smile widened. "You are," he murmured. "So beautiful, Emily. Such a wonderful woman. Dear friend." He nodded faintly. "So grateful."
She brought his hand down to rest between hers. "You really are planning to make me cry, aren't you?" She squeezed his fingers. "I'm lucky to have you."
He laughed faintly. "Evil plan," he agreed. He couldn't keep his eyes open. He was so tired. "Family," he murmured. He was trying to get the words out, but his mouth was slurring his speech. He just squeezed her hand again and pried his eyes open for a moment, then closed them again, smiling.
She was quiet for a moment, and he felt himself drifting a little, enough that when she pressed her lips gently to his cheek, he stirred, surprised.
She cupped his face. "You should rest."
He couldn't rouse himself to argue. "Love you," he murmured, and let himself drift back into sleep before hearing what she said in reply.
***
Aaron was discovering more and more that it was almost exhausting having company. He loved his team, and when Dave had been with him it had been fine. But as he sat in the living room and talked to them after Dave went to bed, all he wanted to do was curl up next to his lover and hold him.
Spencer was drinking again, and while he wasn't drinking fast, Aaron still got Emily alone and made sure she would drive when they left. Then he apologized and excused himself to bed, knowing they wouldn't mind seeing themselves out.
Dave was asleep, but he roused when Aaron climbed in bed next to him. "Aaron? Think I fell asleep on Emily."
"She didn't mind," Aaron told him, kissing the back of Dave's neck and wrapping his arms around him.
"Mmm." Dave sighed. "Aaron, I had something important to say to you."
Had? Aaron hoped that didn't mean Dave forgot, though he wouldn't be surprised anymore. It was still disappointing, watching Dave's mind betray him, but not surprising. "Yeah?"
"I'm trying to remember." Dave sighed. "How are you? You sound tired."
"I'm fine," Aaron murmured. "Much better now that I'm with you." He kissed Dave's shoulder. "Do you need anything before you go back to sleep?"
Dave hummed. Then he shifted to face Aaron. "I remember. I think we should talk to the hospice center. So you don't have to take care of me."
Aaron breathed a small laugh, then stroked his fingertips over Dave's face. "You don't seem to understand that I want to take care of you."
"You're wearing yourself out." Dave sighed. "And I'd rather just be with you than have you take care of me."
"I'm fine, Dave," Aaron protested, a frown crossing his face. He pressed his hand to his eyes, telling himself not to get defensive, but he wasn't sure it was working.
"But I'm not," Dave murmured. "I don't get to spend enough time just being with you. Aaron, what's wrong with wanting to pay them to do the work for a couple of weeks? I'm tired, and I just want you to sit with me and talk to me and hold my hand, and maybe read to me sometimes. Is that really asking too much?"
A couple of weeks. Those words shouldn't have scared Aaron at this point, but they did. "I can do all that and take care of you," he insisted, his chest feeling painfully tight. "You think I can't handle this?"
"I think that you're making it unnecessarily hard on yourself." Dave shifted closer and kissed Aaron. "And it's already hard enough. Can't we just...make it a little easier?"
Aaron drew a slow breath, trying to will himself not to get emotional. "I... I don't want you to..." He pressed his lips together and stopped talking when the words wouldn't come.
"Aaron, I'm going to die." Dave's voice was flat. "Soon. Working yourself to exhaustion isn't going to change that."
"Maybe it'll make me feel better about it," Aaron said, his voice a little snappier than he'd meant. "You're not the one who's going to have to live with this." His eyes stung and he let out a shaky breath. This wasn't fair. At all. But he wasn't sure who it was the least fair to. "You should have the people you love taking care of you, not strangers who don't know you." Not someone you're just another dying man to. Tears started rolling down his cheeks, and he cursed them internally. "You deserve more than that."
Dave wrapped an arm around him. "You would be with me. I know you, Aaron. You'd be at my side the whole time. I wouldn't be neglected there. These are good people. They know what they're doing." He squeezed Aaron gently. "They might even be able to help you."
"Help me with what, Dave?" Aaron said. He was doing this just fine without help, and Aaron wasn't convinced Dave understood how he felt about letting someone else take care of him. There didn't seem to be a whole lot of use arguing, though. Dave would get his way. He always did.
Dave sighed. "I don't know. Maybe with saying goodbye." He stroked his fingers through Aaron's hair. "You're a ridiculously..." He paused. "Won't change your mind...man."
Aaron snuggled closer. "Might not be able to do this in the hospice," he whispered.
"Hmm." Dave kissed him. "I want you to be as happy as you can be with this. Or...not happy, but. You know."
"I want you to be comfortable," Aaron said.
"Don't know if that's available at this point," Dave said. He rested his forehead against Aaron's. "The morphine helps."
"You know what I mean," Aaron said. He sucked in a shaky breath. "I'll do whatever you want. Always have. I'm not planning to stop now." He wanted to wipe his cheeks, but if he didn't move and Dave didn't touch his face, Dave wouldn't have to know he was crying.
"Mmm." Dave kissed him softly. "I'm sorry, Aaron. I've always been difficult, haven't I?"
"I like it," Aaron murmured. He'd rather have Dave alive and being a pain in his ass than dead.
Dave breathed a laugh. "Knew it. You never would admit it though." He stroked a hand down Aaron's face, not commenting about the wetness. "I love you so much."
"I love you too," Aaron said. I'm not ready for you to die, he thought, but knew it was unfair to say it.
He felt Dave smile. "I know," Dave whispered. "You've been the best part of my life."
Aaron sighed and settled closer. Dave's embrace was so much weaker than it was before, but it was still nice. Warm.
They stayed like that for a long time, then Dave's breathing grew heavier. When Aaron shifted back, Dave didn't stir. He was beautiful, even now that the cancer had ravaged his body. Aaron wanted to kiss him and never stop, never let him go. God, they didn't have much longer, and Aaron wanted to spend the rest of the night just watching Dave sleep. He'd been doing a lot of that lately, and he was tired... but he would do this for a million years if he had to to keep Dave alive.
Of course, Aaron didn't really want Dave to live with this much pain for much longer. He was torn between knowing it was better that Dave was getting close and feeling emotionally crippled just knowing he was about to lose the person he was closest to in the world.
Eventually Aaron couldn't keep the tears to a minimum anymore, and he slipped out of bed, not wanting to wake Dave crying. It hurt to do. They may not get to share the same bed much longer--their bed--but Aaron pulled his robe and slippers on and went down the hall, just trying to hold it together as he slipped past his sleeping brother on the living room couch.
He poured himself a scotch quietly in the kitchen, then decided to bring the bottle, too, so he didn't have to open and close the door if he wanted a second. The moment he got outside the sliding glass door and onto the back porch, he lost what little control he was holding on to.
He didn't know how long he'd been out there when he heard the door slide behind him. He didn't bother looking up, just tried to dry his eyes before turning. He was too slow. A moment later he felt strong arms go around him, holding him tightly.
"Aaron," whispered his brother's voice. "God, Aaron."
For a moment, Aaron tensed, then decided it wasn't any use, and slumped again. "Sean, I'm fine. Go back to sleep."
"You're not fine," Sean objected. He sighed and leaned his head against Aaron's, squeezing him even tighter. "God, I wish I could do something."
"You and me both," Aaron managed, then nearly choked trying not to cry anymore. He brought his hand up and pressed his knuckles to one of his eyes.
"Hey," Sean whispered. "It's okay. You're sad. God, let it out, Aaron." His voice was gentler than Aaron had ever heard it. "I've got you."
"Why now?" Aaron demanded weakly, unable to stop the tears no matter how hard he tried.
"Maybe I understand better now," Sean said. He didn't let go of Aaron. "I don't know."
"Can't understand," Aaron choked out.
"Not really," Sean agreed. "I'm sorry, Aaron."
"Don't apologize." Aaron drew in a long ragged breath, then leaned against Sean. "Want scotch?" He huffed a morose laugh. "It's Dave's favorite."
"Yeah." Sean was rubbing Aaron's back, a little awkwardly.
"Go get another glass," Aaron told him.
Sean squeezed again. "I'll be right back." The door slid open, then a few seconds later slid closed again, and Sean was sitting next to him again.
Aaron tossed back what was still in his glass, then poured them both one. He took a sip, then dropped his head in his hand. "I'm not ready," he admitted after a long silence, not bothering to wipe the new wetness that rolled down his cheeks.
Sean shuddered next to him. "No," he said quietly. "How could you be? I'm not either."
Aaron huffed a laugh. "He is."
Sean took a long sip of scotch and sighed. "Of course he is. He's in agony now, and it'll end. Our agony's only really starting."
"You're going to go back home, and it'll be over for you," Aaron said. "Same with Haley." He sighed. "Jack will take it harder."
"It won't be over," Sean said. "It'll be different. I can't pretend to understand how you feel. But I do love Dave, you know that. And I love you, Aaron. You're my big brother. I can't stand to see you hurting." He was rubbing at the back of his neck and not looking at Aaron.
"I know, but you won't have to see it. When you go home, it'll all be the same there." Aaron took another sip. "Sorry. I'm just... feeling sorry for myself."
"You're allowed to," Sean said. He took another gulp of scotch, then leaned over and hugged Aaron again.
Aaron sighed, but wasn't really sure what to say. He just leaned against Sean, sniffling ridiculously, for a long while. The crickets were chirping loudly, and he listened until the noise started to bleed together. "I don't think he thinks I can handle this," he said eventually.
Sean was quiet for a moment. "I can't believe Dave would think that. He knows you better."
"He wants to move to a hospice," Aaron said, his eyes stinging again. "We've been doing fine. I'm fine."
"I thought hospice was those people coming out here. Why would he go somewhere?" Sean sat back and refilled both their glasses, then put an arm awkwardly around Aaron's shoulders.
"There are hospice facilities. People go there when they're about to die," Aaron said. The warmth from scotch was starting to relax him. He wished he could get drunk, but he'd never forgive himself if something happened to Dave and he couldn't help. "He thinks this is too hard for us."
Sean let out a choked laugh. "It is pretty damn hard." He sipped his scotch, then leaned in to peer at Aaron's face. "You're exhausted. I can see that. I try to help as much as I can, but... Maybe Dave knows that. He knows you better than anyone."
"I'm fine," Aaron insisted, but he knew it was a lie. He was very far from fine. He sighed. "He'll just be another dying man to them, Sean. They don't care about him like I do."
"Look, you're not fine. If you can handle it, okay, but you're not fine." Sean sighed. "Maybe Dave's got a point. Those people are probably trained to help him have...well, the best last days. I mean...I don't know. Has he ever really gotten impersonal care from people? That one nurse seemed like his friend."
"He was well enough to joke around with her," Aaron said. "Now he's... he's dying." He drew in a shaky breath and looked up at the sky as his eyes threatened to well up again. God, he felt stupid. And he knew he shouldn't, but now that he thought about it, he didn't think he'd ever cried in front of his brother before.
Sean made a noise but didn't actually say anything for a long time. He just squeezed Aaron more tightly. "Why does he want to go?" he asked finally.
"I told you, he thinks this is too hard for us." Aaron sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face.
"I don't know, Aaron. I just...don't know." Sean drained his glass again.
"He always gets his way," Aaron said.
"If you need to say no, say no," Sean said. "If it's important to you to have him at home..."
"I can't say no to him, Sean. He wouldn't be pushing it, knowing I don't like it, if it wasn't important to him. He doesn't have the energy to, either."
Sean sighed. "Yeah." He shook his head. "I don't know. I wish I could help."
Aaron sighed, then took a long sip of his scotch. "So do I."
"Is there anything I can do?" Sean hugged him again. It felt weird, but kind of nice too.
"Find a cure for cancer," Aaron said. He'd been saying that a lot in these situations, but there wasn't really anything anyone could do short of that to help.
"God, I wish I could," Sean said. "I wish someone could."
Aaron sighed. Unfortunately wishing until the end of time wasn't going to help Dave now. He hesitated for a moment, then wrapped his arms around his brother in return, burying his face against Sean's shoulder.
Sean tightened his arms around Aaron and sighed too.
"Some days, I still can't believe this is happening," Aaron admitted after a moment. The last thing he wanted to do was cry on Sean's shoulder, but he was coming dangerously close.
"Yeah. It isn't fair," Sean murmured. "You deserve better. So does Dave."
Aaron laughed suddenly. "All I want to do is get drunk right now. Can't sleep. Haven't been."
"Go ahead, then," Sean said. "I can take care of Dave for one night."
"And if something happen and we had to take him to the hospital?" The idiocy of that question struck Aaron a second later. "God, we wouldn't, would we?" And the tears started again.
Sean made a quiet noise and sort of rocked Aaron a little. "It would be okay, Aaron. I can handle it. You need a break."
"What if he died?" Aaron asked, his voice shaking.
"Aaron, he's not going to die tonight." Sean squeezed him gently. "He'd hang on for you. It'll be okay."
"He doesn't know what I'm doing right now," Aaron said. He pulled back and wiped furiously at his face. He picked up his drink and took a measured sip, then dropped his head in his hand.
"He doesn't have to know," Sean said. "Look, he knows you're not ready."
Aaron shook his head. He'd meant Dave had no idea he'd be out here drinking, so he wouldn't know to hold on. He didn't bother to correct Sean, though, and took another drink. The scotch he had already drank was starting to take effect, and he was finding it harder to care.
Sean sighed and squeezed Aaron's shoulder. "I got you, Aaron. I'm here."
Aaron shook his head again, but this time he wasn't sure why. He drank what was left in his glass and held it out silently for Sean to refill.
Sean was as good as his word. He kept Aaron's glass filled and kept him from falling off the bench. Eventually he got Aaron into the bathroom and held his shoulders while he threw up. Then they sat on the bathroom floor while Aaron cried for a little while longer. Finally Sean got him a cold washcloth for his forehead and got a little bit of water in him and put him on the couch.
"I'm going to check on Dave, okay?" Sean said. He was rubbing Aaron's shoulder. "I'll be back in a little while. Sleep if you can."
"I'shou' go back t'bed," Aaron slurred, but he collapsed onto his side on the couch anyway. "Help."
Sean let out a snort of laughter. "You wouldn't be any help at all right now. I'll be fine."
"I know, but..." Aaron sighed heavily. What were they talking about?
"Shh. Sleep if you can," Sean repeated. He left, and Aaron drifted for a while. He thought maybe he was dreaming when Dave came in and sat down next to him. His hair was back, and he smiled broadly at Aaron, and Aaron knew it was a dream. Then he was being shaken. He opened his eyes and Sean was there instead of Dave. "Hey. You want to move to the bed? You were snoring."
"Wan' me t'move t'bed so I'll keep Dave up, n'not you?" Aaron managed, his throat dry.
"No, I was just asking. Stay here if you want." Sean rubbed Aaron's shoulder. "You want some more water?"
"'fraid I'll throw it up," Aaron whispered. "You want the couch? Don't mind th'floor."
"Stay there," Sean said. "I'm all right." He brushed a hand over Aaron's hair. "Remember when we were kids? I was scared of storms, and you'd let me sleep in your bed."
"Yeah," Aaron mumbled, and for some reason that brought tears to his eyes.
Sean laughed quietly. "Now I'm doing that for you." He rested a hand on Aaron's shoulder.
"Not exactly the same," Aaron said, closing his eyes and ignoring the trickle that ran down his cheek and into the couch cushions. "Thank you."
"It's okay," Sean said. He didn't move, and the last thing Aaron was aware of before he surrendered to sleep was the warm presence of his brother at his side.
***
Morning came too soon, and Aaron groaned and rolled over, pressing his face to the pillow... no, not the pillow. The couch. He groaned again. Getting drunk was a stupid idea.
He became dimly aware that his stomach was about to revolt, so he forced himself off the couch and ran down the hall. He barely made it to the toilet before he threw up. God, it had been a very stupid idea.
When he was done, he rinsed his mouth and brushed his teeth, feeling like he was going to die, then looked in the mirror. His eyes were bright red and puffy, dark circles under them. For once, he was glad Dave couldn't see.
He finally made it to the kitchen after resting on the toilet seat for a good ten minutes, and Dave was sitting at the table with his coffee. Jack was helping Sean cook, but when he turned and saw his dad, his mouth dropped open. Oh, God.
He collapsed in the seat next to Dave's and dropped his head in his hands, and Sean put a cup of coffee in front of him.
"Dad, are you sick?" Jack demanded. "You look like crap."
"Hey, that's not nice," Sean told Jack. "The eggs are going to burn."
Dave turned towards Aaron. "Are you okay?" he asked.
"Yeah," Aaron croaked, then cleared his throat. "Jack. Language."
"Crap isn't a bad word," Jack objected. He half turned from the stove, but then turned back at the look on Aaron's face. "Okay, I won't say it."
Dave chuckled and fumbled over until he found Aaron's hand.
Aaron squeezed it weakly. "It's not as bad as some of the other words, but you still shouldn't say it."
"I said I wouldn't," Jack huffed.
"You're growing up too fast. Stop it," Aaron said, and Jack giggled, but Aaron suddenly had a vision of Dave being gone and Jack being all grown up and not needing him anymore. Aaron would eventually be retired, and be living alone, and Jack and Haley and Sean would never be around. The team would be working all the time.
He suddenly felt like crying again, but bit down on his inner cheek and forced himself not to. You were supposed to be with me always, he thought angrily at Dave.
"It's my fault," Dave said. "I've been a bad influence, haven't I, Jack?"
Jack giggled again. "No! You taught me to cook, 'member?"
"Hey, what am I, chopped liver?" Sean asked, giving Jack a nudge.
"He taught me first," Jack said. "Spaghetti n'meatballs and lasagna and all kinds of good Italian stuff."
Sean laughed. "You do realize you're not actually Italian, right?" he teased.
"Buon giorno," Jack replied, and Dave laughed.
"You tell 'im, Rossi-in-training," he said.
This conversation wasn't making Aaron feel any better. Jack could never make up for Dave no matter how much Italian he cooked or spoke. It was a ridiculous thought, since Jack had no intention of trying to replace Dave and couldn't possibly if he tried, but Aaron felt completely incapable of being logical. He clenched his jaw and focused on not throwing up, sipping his coffee.
"Woke up alone this morning," Dave said. "You decide I was snoring too loud?"
"I think he was sick," Jack said.
"I am sick," Aaron agreed, not wanting to admit to anything in front of Jack. "Actually, I think I'm going to go lie down. Sorry."
He got out of the room and part of the way down the hall before he heard Dave behind him. Dave thumped something and swore, then called after him.
Aaron sighed and went back to wrap an arm around Dave where he'd stopped after walking into Jack's drum, though he didn't feel very strong right now. He was a little shaky. "You should try to eat," he murmured, and started to turn Dave back around.
"Are you okay?" Dave asked, clutching at Aaron to catch his balance. "I'm worried about you."
"No, I'm not okay. But I am." Aaron pulled Dave tighter against him, then leaned against the wall. "Nothing you can fix."
Dave sighed and kissed him. "Okay," he mumbled. "You sure you don't need me?"
Of course I need you, Aaron thought. That's the problem. But he just said, "Yeah." Dave nodded and pulled away carefully, then shuffled back towards the kitchen. He moved like an old man. The sight sent a pang through Aaron's chest.
He pressed his eyes shut for a moment, scrubbing a hand over his face. Then he turned and went back to bed, where he spent God knows how long hovering somewhere between tears and vomiting, unsure sometimes which urge was stronger, and if the desire to throw up had anything to do with drinking anymore.
Author:
innerslytherin and severity_softlyArtist:
tliPairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 147,800
Summary: Futurefic--Shortly before Dave turns sixty, he is diagnosed with a grade III brain tumor. He and Aaron have to come to terms with what this means for their relationship. Eventually the team has to help Aaron say goodbye.
Notes: Heavy angst. Lots of medical detail. Character death. This fic would not exist without the extensive help, support, encouragement, and hand-holding from
resolucidity, who served as our medical consultant throughout.Master post
Chapter Eighteen
Jack and Haley had been visiting for several days before Dave had a really bad day. He was glad he'd been able to deal with the pain well enough to get up and spend time with them, but on Thursday he just couldn't make himself get out of bed. He hurt, and just breathing seemed to take all the energy he had. Aaron, with tears in his eyes, finally stopped trying to get him out of bed. He helped Dave get his oxygen set up, hoping to help with the breathing problem, then Dave told him to go for a run. A while later Sean brought him breakfast on a tray.
Dave didn't eat much. He tried, but he wasn't really hungry anyway, and it was a lot of work trying to feed himself without getting food all over. He knew Aaron probably needed some time to himself. This was so hard on him, and it broke Dave's heart, but right now he was using all his strength to keep breathing. He didn't have any more to get out of bed just to make Aaron feel better.
Jack came in a while later to get the tray and scolded him for not cleaning his plate. It made Dave laugh. He offered Jack his hash browns, so for a while Jack stayed in and talked to him while eating the rest of the potatoes. Then he carried the tray out, saying he'd be back in a while to keep Dave company.
Dave closed his eyes and fumbled for the little electronic recorder he'd been keeping by the bed. The suggestion had been a good one, and Garcia had been happy to get him something modern that would save the recordings in digital format.
"Aaron, you mean the world to me," he said, holding the recorder close so he didn't have to talk loudly. "You always have, from the moment I began working with you, even if we weren't romantically involved for years afterwards. You're so intelligent, so diligent. I was impressed from the very beginning." He chuckled. "Did I ever tell you Rita used to call you my 'wife'? Every time you called and she answered the phone, she'd say, 'It's your wife'. Heh, I probably already told you that."
He paused. "I was gong to tell you something important. Can't remember what it was." He sighed. "I'm so tired, Aaron. I think I'm getting pretty close to the end. I hate leaving you like this. I hope you understand that I would have fought to the end if I'd thought it would make any difference. I didn't want to let you down."
He stopped talking as he heard footsteps outside his room. It became apparent it was Aaron before he even spoke, judging by the light panting. "Hey," Aaron said quietly, sounding like he was standing by the door.
Dave smiled and reached a hand towards him. "You're out of shape, lover," he teased.
Aaron sighed. "A little. Shouldn't take too long to get back." Dave heard Aaron walking, then Aaron's hand slipped into his. "It's all this lying in bed with you and eating the food Sean is making us." There was a smile in his voice.
"Mm. I love your body, whatever shape it's in," Dave mumbled. He wished he had the energy to show that these days. He squeezed Aaron's hand weakly. "Love you." He lifted his face to where he thought Aaron would realize he wanted a kiss.
Aaron's lips brushed Dave's lips, then Aaron sat at the edge of the bed. "Did you eat?"
"Little bit. Jack came in to see me." Dave smiled and closed his eyes. "He's a good kid."
"That can't be news," Aaron said. He touched Dave's face. "Think you can get up for a bit?"
Dave sighed. He really didn't want to get up. But he nodded slowly and set the recorder aside. "Help me up," he said.
"I need to shower, if you want to rest a few more minutes," Aaron said, touching Dave's arm soothingly.
"All right," Dave said, relaxing back down against the bed. He listened as Aaron got up and moved around the room, getting ready for his shower. As the water turned on, Dave dictated a message for Jack while it was in his mind. Then he relaxed until Aaron came back, warm from the shower, his hair still damp.
Dave stroked his fingers through it as Aaron leaned down for a kiss. "Are you really up to getting up?"
"I don't know," Dave admitted. He was short of breath just lying here. "Pretty tired."
Aaron sighed and kissed Dave's neck. "I would say it would get depressing just sitting in here, but I guess that's a moot point." He wrapped his arms around Dave gently.
Dave snorted. "Wouldn't mind company," he mumbled. The truth was, he was so tired these days that he didn't think he would have much longer to worry about it. It was too bad. He really had a lot more he'd wanted to do with his life.
"I can stay here," Aaron suggested.
"That would be nice," Dave murmured. He took a few breaths. "Maybe you'd...see if Spence or Emily would visit? D'like to see them." He'd like to see all of the team, but he didn't know how Aaron would feel about Dave summoning people in to say goodbye. Maybe a couple of them could visit today and a couple tomorrow. "I'm so tired, Aaron."
Aaron let out a heavy-sounding breath, and climbed into bed. He snuggled up close to Dave and rested his head on Dave's shoulder. "I know," he said, his voice thick. "I'll call them if you want. I didn't think you'd be up to company."
Dave lifted a hand and stroked it through Aaron's hair. "I think it would be best." He took a few breaths. "Maybe you'd help me get out to the living room. Maybe you and Sean could help me. I want to see them."
"I can help you," Aaron murmured. "I might be a little out of shape, but I'm not that bad."
Dave chuckled faintly. "I'm a little more delicate than I used to be," he said. He braced himself and pushed up into a sitting position, wincing at the way it hurt. God, everything hurt these days. It was ridiculous.
"Dave," Aaron said, sounding like he might argue, but then Dave just felt him shift away, and then he was at Dave's side. "Just tell me when you're ready."
Dave nodded. "No time like the present," he muttered. He let Aaron get an arm around him and pull him up, then managed to get most of the way down the hall before he had to stop, panting. "Sorry." He leaned on Aaron, pressing his forehead against Aaron's shoulder and willing the pain to lessen. It didn't work, so he fumbled for the morphine, releasing more into his blood. Thank God for the morphine. "Okay."
He felt Aaron nod and kiss his forehead, then they were moving again. It felt like ages before they were down the hall, and Dave felt someone else's hand on his arm when they got to the living room. "D'you need help?" Jack asked.
"Yeah." Dave forced a smile. "You make sure I put my ass where it belongs instead of the floor." Jack giggled, and someone else coughed, and Dave realized he shouldn't have said ass in front of Jack. Too late now.
They settled Dave on the couch, and Dave felt someone sit next to him that was too light to be anyone but Jack. Jack leaned against him and Aaron excused himself to go call Spencer and Emily.
"Can I get you anything?" Haley asked from across the room.
Dave sighed and fumbled until he'd got his arm around Jack. "Wouldn't mind something cool to drink," he said. God, this was awful. He was making them all do so much. He sighed and ruffled Jack's hair. "Been practicing your guitar, buddy?"
Jack nodded under Dave's hand. "Yeah. Uncle Sean taught me a song by the..."
"Who," Sean called from the other room.
"Who?" Jack called back.
Sean laughed. "The band is The Who."
"That's a really weird name for a band," Jack whispered to Dave.
Dave breathed a laugh. "Tell 'im you want to learn one by the Guess Who next," he advised.
"Huh?"
"The Guess Who."
"Who?"
Dave snorted.
"Daaaaaave," Jack whined. "Who?"
Dave heard Sean laugh. "Dave, stop being mean."
Dave grinned. "Or you could teach him something by The Band," he told Sean.
"What band?" Jack asked.
"This is starting to sound like an Abbott and Costello routine," Sean said. "Jack was telling me earlier how much he likes his drum, Dave."
"Mm, good. Was a good day when we got that," Dave murmured. He leaned his head back, remembering. "Got it in...in...on that trip."
"Ireland," Sean supplied.
Jack was quiet for a long moment, and when he spoke again, his voice was smaller. "How do you know it was a good day if you can't remember it?"
Dave sighed. "I remember the day. I couldn't remember the word." He petted Jack's hair. "That was the day your dad and I got our rings." He held up his left hand slowly for Jack, feeling it shake. The ring was a little loose, but Dave refused to take it off.
Jack took his hand just as Haley took the other, pressing a glass of water against his palm and not letting go until she was sure he had it.
"Why'd you get rings if you're just going to... um...?"
Dave smiled faintly. "Partly to help your dad," he said, his voice quiet. "And partly because I'll love him right up to last." He squeezed Jack weakly. "Just like I'll always love you."
"I'm glad you got me a drum instead of a ring," Jack said.
Dave laughed. "I figured it was a better present." He leaned down a little. "And way better than the sweater your dad picked out, right?"
Jack giggled but didn't answer. Dave didn't mind. He took a slow breath and leaned his head back. His head was aching again. He tried not to be obvious as he fumbled at his waist for another shot of morphine.
He failed. "Do you need help?" Jack said, his voice more serious.
"Jack," Haley said, her tone just slightly reproachful.
Dave let out a breath. "It's okay," he said, to both of them. "I just needed a little more medicine," he told Jack. "I'll be all right."
After a while Aaron came in and said Spencer and Emily would be out in a while. Sean got Jack to get his guitar and play for them while they waited, so Dave got Aaron to scoot closer and wrap an arm around him.
They were out of time. He didn't like being such a burden, having so many people wanting to help him do things. He just wanted to be with them. He wanted to have them around and not have them fussing over him. It's time to move, he thought, and resolved to talk to Aaron about it tonight. If he remembered.
When Spencer and Emily arrived, they had ice cream, chocolate syrup, and fresh strawberries. It was enough to tempt Dave into eating a dish, though he eventually had to admit defeat and have Aaron feed him. It was fucking humiliating, even if he knew no one minded.
When he was done, Aaron handed him a napkin, and Dave was grateful Aaron hadn't just wiped his mouth, then Aaron twined his fingers with Dave and squeezed. "I love you," he whispered under his breath while the others were talking.
Dave grunted, but murmured, "Love you too." He found himself leaning more heavily against Aaron as his energy waned. He enjoyed listening to Spencer talking about their latest case and the art history degree he was considering. Emily challenged Spencer to study comparative religions instead, and they spent some time wrangling in a friendly fashion over which would be more useful.
Finally Dave shifted and opened his mouth, and it got their attention. "Why does it have to be useful?" he asked. "Just make it something you enjoy. I remember Aaron telling me about the arguments he and..." Oh fuck. "...and his brother had over chef school."
"I just wanted to see him do well," Aaron said, tightening his grip on Dave's hand.
"He has," Dave whispered. He smiled. "I'm proud of you," he said, knowing Aaron's brother was there. "Aaron is too." He leaned his head on Aaron's shoulder. "Sorry. 'm so tired. Think I should lie down."
Aaron sighed. "Okay," he murmured, getting up and helping Dave gently off the couch, then wrapping his arms around Dave for a moment as he steadied him.
Dave tried to hold in a groan, but standing up sent a rush of pain to his head. He leaned heavily on Aaron, panting. "Sp-Spence," he managed. "C'mon." He still had things to say. Spencer couldn't go yet.
He heard Spencer make a choked noise, but a few moments later a wiry arm went around his waist. "I'm here, Dave," Spencer whispered.
Dave nodded. "Good," he sighed, and let them guide him back to the bedroom.
They got him in bed, and one of them (Aaron, Dave guessed) took his slippers off and pulled the blankets up over him. Aaron was breathing like it was hard to do, and not from exertion. "Do you want me to stay?" he asked finally, sounding a little upset.
"Can if you want," Dave murmured. He had hoped to get Spencer to help somehow with talking Aaron into the hospice center, but he knew better to hope for much in that regard. He shifted, trying to get comfortable. "Emily okay?" He still had her necklace. "Need her gift."
Aaron moved across the room, a drawer opened and shut, and then a small box was being pressed into Dave's hand. "I'll just be down the hall," Aaron said, and kissed Dave's forehead.
There was a brief silence, and then Aaron must have been gone, because Spencer said, "Are you about to say goodbye to me? Because I'm not entirely sure I want to hear it."
Dave took a long breath. "What do you want me to say instead?" he asked. He reached out, hoping Spencer would take his hand.
"I don't know." Spencer hesitated, then curled his fingers around Dave's. "I'm going to see you again. I can come tomorrow. Then you would have said goodbye too soon."
Dave huffed an acknowledgment. "Love you, Spencer. Need your help. With Aaron."
Spencer sat on the bed. "With what?"
"Hospice." Dave sighed. "How does he look now? He seems exhausted."
"He looks it," Spencer said. "Like he isn't sleeping well. Think he may have lost weight, just a little. What about hospice?"
Dave nodded, then clenched his jaw as that sent a jolt of pain through him. "I changed my mind," he said. "About dying at home. Too hard for him." He took a few measured breaths through his nose, willing the pain away, then gave up and pressed the morphine button. "Want to go to the center."
"Why are you telling me?" Spencer said.
"He might listen to you. He doesn't want to admit he's wearing himself out." Dave opened his eyes, even though it didn't really make much difference any more. "He might tell you the truth." A sudden wave of grief swamped Dave, and he pressed his lips together even as tears welled up and spilled over his cheeks. "I can't take care of him, Spencer," he whispered. "Used to take care of him." He squeezed his eyes shut again.
Spencer shifted and drew in a slow breath. "What makes you think he'll let me? Or that he won't just be mad you're not talking to him?"
"I'll talk to him tonight," Dave promised. "You talk to him tomorrow. Just try, Spencer. He respects your opinion."
"I--" Spencer paused and tightened his hand on Dave's. "I don't even know what to say."
"S'okay." Dave squeezed lightly. "Don't have to. Glad you're here." He took a shaky breath and turned his head to wipe his cheek against the pillow. "Proud to have been your friend. Always." He smiled and closed his eyes, trying to catch his breath. "Need to talk to Emily. Aaron has your souvenir."
"I, ah... I didn't mean that I wouldn't talk to him," Spencer said, his other hand touching Dave's arm.
"Okay." Dave shrugged awkwardly. "It's okay. Either way."
Spencer sniffed, obviously not ready to leave. "I really would give you my brain, if I could," he said, and Dave could hear the tears in his voice.
Dave smiled shakily and held his arms open in case Spencer wanted a hug. "I know," he whispered. "You're a good man."
Spencer rested against Dave's chest. "You have so much. A family, someone you love, Jack... everything. And I--" He stopped and drew in a shaky breath. "It's not fair."
Dave stroked his fingers through Spencer's hair. "No, it really isn't," he whispered. "And I have the best friends any man could want. I can trust you all to take care of Aaron." He wanted to break down and cry, but he thought it would take too much energy. He just let more tears slip down his cheeks. "Wanted to see you settled with someone before I died."
Spencer choked out a tearful laugh. "If it hasn't happened in this long, it probably never will. Not me I'm worried about anyway."
"There's nothing left to worry about me," Dave murmured. "Wanted you to know the joy I've had. Want so much happiness for you." He tightened his arms a little on Spencer.
"Don't feel like being joyful." Spencer shifted and wrapped his arms around Dave. "I love you too," he said, his voice wavering, and then he started sobbing quietly.
"I know," Dave whispered. He closed his eyes and let Spencer cry, petting his hair and wishing he could do anything else to help. God, he hated being so damned helpless.
"I wish... I don't know. I don't know what I wish," Spencer mumbled, lifting a hand to wipe his cheeks.
"Yeah." Dave sighed. "Me too."
Spencer drew in a gaspy breath. "You did come back to the BAU."
Dave forced a noise that was sort of like a laugh. "Just to prove you wrong," he mumbled.
Spencer made a funny noise. "I'm sorry," he said, pulling back and sniffing hard. "You wanted Prentiss."
"Don't apologize," Dave said, finding Spencer's face and cupping his cheek in a palm. He smiled up at Spencer, despite the tears. "I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Yeah. Yeah," Spencer said, nodding quickly. He wiped at his face and sat there a moment, presumably calming himself down. "Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow."
Dave patted Spencer's cheek gently. "Send Emily in, huh? Tell Aaron to give you a sip of scotch. No more." He gave Spencer a faint smile.
Spencer huffed a sad laugh as he stood. "Okay, grandpa," he teased, though he still sounded upset.
"Shut up," Dave muttered, but his smile strengthened.
"I'll get her." Spencer left and the room went quiet for a moment.
Dave just breathed deeply, trying to decide if involving Spencer in the discussion about hospice care had been a good idea. He had a feeling Aaron was going to be resistant, in spite of probably knowing full well he was stretching himself too thin. Maybe a second voice to Dave's argument was a good idea. Dave wasn't sure. But it was probably worth trying and he hoped Spencer would find the courage to say something. Not that Dave would be angry if he didn't. He could understand that too.
There was a knock across the room, then Emily's voice. "I sure hope whatever you're planning to say to me won't have me looking like Spencer does when I leave," she said. She settled on the bed and took Dave's hand. "What's wrong?"
Dave squeezed her hand, grateful that she'd reached out to him. "Have something for you," he murmured. "Picked it up on our trip." He smiled, remembering something Aaron had said. "Honeymoon."
"You didn't have to get me anything," she said, her fingers tracing his ring. "This was really sweet."
It took Dave a minute, then he realized what she meant. "I hope the ring wasn't a mistake," he murmured. "Anyway, I did need to get you something. Love you."
"I love you too," she said. "And it's not a mistake. Hotch... it'll be a good memory, eventually." She drew a deep breath. "God, I hate that."
"Hm." He squeezed her hand, then held up the box. "This one's yours."
She drew a deep breath and took the box. She was quiet for a moment, but Dave could feel her moving a little. "God," she whispered after a moment. "Dave, it's beautiful."
He smiled. "Made me think of you." He took a couple of breaths. "Beautiful." She was so beautiful and so strong.
"Shh." She shifted again, then took his hand and pressed his palm against the spot between her collar bones, letting him feel that she'd put it on. "I love it."
His smile widened. "You are," he murmured. "So beautiful, Emily. Such a wonderful woman. Dear friend." He nodded faintly. "So grateful."
She brought his hand down to rest between hers. "You really are planning to make me cry, aren't you?" She squeezed his fingers. "I'm lucky to have you."
He laughed faintly. "Evil plan," he agreed. He couldn't keep his eyes open. He was so tired. "Family," he murmured. He was trying to get the words out, but his mouth was slurring his speech. He just squeezed her hand again and pried his eyes open for a moment, then closed them again, smiling.
She was quiet for a moment, and he felt himself drifting a little, enough that when she pressed her lips gently to his cheek, he stirred, surprised.
She cupped his face. "You should rest."
He couldn't rouse himself to argue. "Love you," he murmured, and let himself drift back into sleep before hearing what she said in reply.
***
Aaron was discovering more and more that it was almost exhausting having company. He loved his team, and when Dave had been with him it had been fine. But as he sat in the living room and talked to them after Dave went to bed, all he wanted to do was curl up next to his lover and hold him.
Spencer was drinking again, and while he wasn't drinking fast, Aaron still got Emily alone and made sure she would drive when they left. Then he apologized and excused himself to bed, knowing they wouldn't mind seeing themselves out.
Dave was asleep, but he roused when Aaron climbed in bed next to him. "Aaron? Think I fell asleep on Emily."
"She didn't mind," Aaron told him, kissing the back of Dave's neck and wrapping his arms around him.
"Mmm." Dave sighed. "Aaron, I had something important to say to you."
Had? Aaron hoped that didn't mean Dave forgot, though he wouldn't be surprised anymore. It was still disappointing, watching Dave's mind betray him, but not surprising. "Yeah?"
"I'm trying to remember." Dave sighed. "How are you? You sound tired."
"I'm fine," Aaron murmured. "Much better now that I'm with you." He kissed Dave's shoulder. "Do you need anything before you go back to sleep?"
Dave hummed. Then he shifted to face Aaron. "I remember. I think we should talk to the hospice center. So you don't have to take care of me."
Aaron breathed a small laugh, then stroked his fingertips over Dave's face. "You don't seem to understand that I want to take care of you."
"You're wearing yourself out." Dave sighed. "And I'd rather just be with you than have you take care of me."
"I'm fine, Dave," Aaron protested, a frown crossing his face. He pressed his hand to his eyes, telling himself not to get defensive, but he wasn't sure it was working.
"But I'm not," Dave murmured. "I don't get to spend enough time just being with you. Aaron, what's wrong with wanting to pay them to do the work for a couple of weeks? I'm tired, and I just want you to sit with me and talk to me and hold my hand, and maybe read to me sometimes. Is that really asking too much?"
A couple of weeks. Those words shouldn't have scared Aaron at this point, but they did. "I can do all that and take care of you," he insisted, his chest feeling painfully tight. "You think I can't handle this?"
"I think that you're making it unnecessarily hard on yourself." Dave shifted closer and kissed Aaron. "And it's already hard enough. Can't we just...make it a little easier?"
Aaron drew a slow breath, trying to will himself not to get emotional. "I... I don't want you to..." He pressed his lips together and stopped talking when the words wouldn't come.
"Aaron, I'm going to die." Dave's voice was flat. "Soon. Working yourself to exhaustion isn't going to change that."
"Maybe it'll make me feel better about it," Aaron said, his voice a little snappier than he'd meant. "You're not the one who's going to have to live with this." His eyes stung and he let out a shaky breath. This wasn't fair. At all. But he wasn't sure who it was the least fair to. "You should have the people you love taking care of you, not strangers who don't know you." Not someone you're just another dying man to. Tears started rolling down his cheeks, and he cursed them internally. "You deserve more than that."
Dave wrapped an arm around him. "You would be with me. I know you, Aaron. You'd be at my side the whole time. I wouldn't be neglected there. These are good people. They know what they're doing." He squeezed Aaron gently. "They might even be able to help you."
"Help me with what, Dave?" Aaron said. He was doing this just fine without help, and Aaron wasn't convinced Dave understood how he felt about letting someone else take care of him. There didn't seem to be a whole lot of use arguing, though. Dave would get his way. He always did.
Dave sighed. "I don't know. Maybe with saying goodbye." He stroked his fingers through Aaron's hair. "You're a ridiculously..." He paused. "Won't change your mind...man."
Aaron snuggled closer. "Might not be able to do this in the hospice," he whispered.
"Hmm." Dave kissed him. "I want you to be as happy as you can be with this. Or...not happy, but. You know."
"I want you to be comfortable," Aaron said.
"Don't know if that's available at this point," Dave said. He rested his forehead against Aaron's. "The morphine helps."
"You know what I mean," Aaron said. He sucked in a shaky breath. "I'll do whatever you want. Always have. I'm not planning to stop now." He wanted to wipe his cheeks, but if he didn't move and Dave didn't touch his face, Dave wouldn't have to know he was crying.
"Mmm." Dave kissed him softly. "I'm sorry, Aaron. I've always been difficult, haven't I?"
"I like it," Aaron murmured. He'd rather have Dave alive and being a pain in his ass than dead.
Dave breathed a laugh. "Knew it. You never would admit it though." He stroked a hand down Aaron's face, not commenting about the wetness. "I love you so much."
"I love you too," Aaron said. I'm not ready for you to die, he thought, but knew it was unfair to say it.
He felt Dave smile. "I know," Dave whispered. "You've been the best part of my life."
Aaron sighed and settled closer. Dave's embrace was so much weaker than it was before, but it was still nice. Warm.
They stayed like that for a long time, then Dave's breathing grew heavier. When Aaron shifted back, Dave didn't stir. He was beautiful, even now that the cancer had ravaged his body. Aaron wanted to kiss him and never stop, never let him go. God, they didn't have much longer, and Aaron wanted to spend the rest of the night just watching Dave sleep. He'd been doing a lot of that lately, and he was tired... but he would do this for a million years if he had to to keep Dave alive.
Of course, Aaron didn't really want Dave to live with this much pain for much longer. He was torn between knowing it was better that Dave was getting close and feeling emotionally crippled just knowing he was about to lose the person he was closest to in the world.
Eventually Aaron couldn't keep the tears to a minimum anymore, and he slipped out of bed, not wanting to wake Dave crying. It hurt to do. They may not get to share the same bed much longer--their bed--but Aaron pulled his robe and slippers on and went down the hall, just trying to hold it together as he slipped past his sleeping brother on the living room couch.
He poured himself a scotch quietly in the kitchen, then decided to bring the bottle, too, so he didn't have to open and close the door if he wanted a second. The moment he got outside the sliding glass door and onto the back porch, he lost what little control he was holding on to.
He didn't know how long he'd been out there when he heard the door slide behind him. He didn't bother looking up, just tried to dry his eyes before turning. He was too slow. A moment later he felt strong arms go around him, holding him tightly.
"Aaron," whispered his brother's voice. "God, Aaron."
For a moment, Aaron tensed, then decided it wasn't any use, and slumped again. "Sean, I'm fine. Go back to sleep."
"You're not fine," Sean objected. He sighed and leaned his head against Aaron's, squeezing him even tighter. "God, I wish I could do something."
"You and me both," Aaron managed, then nearly choked trying not to cry anymore. He brought his hand up and pressed his knuckles to one of his eyes.
"Hey," Sean whispered. "It's okay. You're sad. God, let it out, Aaron." His voice was gentler than Aaron had ever heard it. "I've got you."
"Why now?" Aaron demanded weakly, unable to stop the tears no matter how hard he tried.
"Maybe I understand better now," Sean said. He didn't let go of Aaron. "I don't know."
"Can't understand," Aaron choked out.
"Not really," Sean agreed. "I'm sorry, Aaron."
"Don't apologize." Aaron drew in a long ragged breath, then leaned against Sean. "Want scotch?" He huffed a morose laugh. "It's Dave's favorite."
"Yeah." Sean was rubbing Aaron's back, a little awkwardly.
"Go get another glass," Aaron told him.
Sean squeezed again. "I'll be right back." The door slid open, then a few seconds later slid closed again, and Sean was sitting next to him again.
Aaron tossed back what was still in his glass, then poured them both one. He took a sip, then dropped his head in his hand. "I'm not ready," he admitted after a long silence, not bothering to wipe the new wetness that rolled down his cheeks.
Sean shuddered next to him. "No," he said quietly. "How could you be? I'm not either."
Aaron huffed a laugh. "He is."
Sean took a long sip of scotch and sighed. "Of course he is. He's in agony now, and it'll end. Our agony's only really starting."
"You're going to go back home, and it'll be over for you," Aaron said. "Same with Haley." He sighed. "Jack will take it harder."
"It won't be over," Sean said. "It'll be different. I can't pretend to understand how you feel. But I do love Dave, you know that. And I love you, Aaron. You're my big brother. I can't stand to see you hurting." He was rubbing at the back of his neck and not looking at Aaron.
"I know, but you won't have to see it. When you go home, it'll all be the same there." Aaron took another sip. "Sorry. I'm just... feeling sorry for myself."
"You're allowed to," Sean said. He took another gulp of scotch, then leaned over and hugged Aaron again.
Aaron sighed, but wasn't really sure what to say. He just leaned against Sean, sniffling ridiculously, for a long while. The crickets were chirping loudly, and he listened until the noise started to bleed together. "I don't think he thinks I can handle this," he said eventually.
Sean was quiet for a moment. "I can't believe Dave would think that. He knows you better."
"He wants to move to a hospice," Aaron said, his eyes stinging again. "We've been doing fine. I'm fine."
"I thought hospice was those people coming out here. Why would he go somewhere?" Sean sat back and refilled both their glasses, then put an arm awkwardly around Aaron's shoulders.
"There are hospice facilities. People go there when they're about to die," Aaron said. The warmth from scotch was starting to relax him. He wished he could get drunk, but he'd never forgive himself if something happened to Dave and he couldn't help. "He thinks this is too hard for us."
Sean let out a choked laugh. "It is pretty damn hard." He sipped his scotch, then leaned in to peer at Aaron's face. "You're exhausted. I can see that. I try to help as much as I can, but... Maybe Dave knows that. He knows you better than anyone."
"I'm fine," Aaron insisted, but he knew it was a lie. He was very far from fine. He sighed. "He'll just be another dying man to them, Sean. They don't care about him like I do."
"Look, you're not fine. If you can handle it, okay, but you're not fine." Sean sighed. "Maybe Dave's got a point. Those people are probably trained to help him have...well, the best last days. I mean...I don't know. Has he ever really gotten impersonal care from people? That one nurse seemed like his friend."
"He was well enough to joke around with her," Aaron said. "Now he's... he's dying." He drew in a shaky breath and looked up at the sky as his eyes threatened to well up again. God, he felt stupid. And he knew he shouldn't, but now that he thought about it, he didn't think he'd ever cried in front of his brother before.
Sean made a noise but didn't actually say anything for a long time. He just squeezed Aaron more tightly. "Why does he want to go?" he asked finally.
"I told you, he thinks this is too hard for us." Aaron sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face.
"I don't know, Aaron. I just...don't know." Sean drained his glass again.
"He always gets his way," Aaron said.
"If you need to say no, say no," Sean said. "If it's important to you to have him at home..."
"I can't say no to him, Sean. He wouldn't be pushing it, knowing I don't like it, if it wasn't important to him. He doesn't have the energy to, either."
Sean sighed. "Yeah." He shook his head. "I don't know. I wish I could help."
Aaron sighed, then took a long sip of his scotch. "So do I."
"Is there anything I can do?" Sean hugged him again. It felt weird, but kind of nice too.
"Find a cure for cancer," Aaron said. He'd been saying that a lot in these situations, but there wasn't really anything anyone could do short of that to help.
"God, I wish I could," Sean said. "I wish someone could."
Aaron sighed. Unfortunately wishing until the end of time wasn't going to help Dave now. He hesitated for a moment, then wrapped his arms around his brother in return, burying his face against Sean's shoulder.
Sean tightened his arms around Aaron and sighed too.
"Some days, I still can't believe this is happening," Aaron admitted after a moment. The last thing he wanted to do was cry on Sean's shoulder, but he was coming dangerously close.
"Yeah. It isn't fair," Sean murmured. "You deserve better. So does Dave."
Aaron laughed suddenly. "All I want to do is get drunk right now. Can't sleep. Haven't been."
"Go ahead, then," Sean said. "I can take care of Dave for one night."
"And if something happen and we had to take him to the hospital?" The idiocy of that question struck Aaron a second later. "God, we wouldn't, would we?" And the tears started again.
Sean made a quiet noise and sort of rocked Aaron a little. "It would be okay, Aaron. I can handle it. You need a break."
"What if he died?" Aaron asked, his voice shaking.
"Aaron, he's not going to die tonight." Sean squeezed him gently. "He'd hang on for you. It'll be okay."
"He doesn't know what I'm doing right now," Aaron said. He pulled back and wiped furiously at his face. He picked up his drink and took a measured sip, then dropped his head in his hand.
"He doesn't have to know," Sean said. "Look, he knows you're not ready."
Aaron shook his head. He'd meant Dave had no idea he'd be out here drinking, so he wouldn't know to hold on. He didn't bother to correct Sean, though, and took another drink. The scotch he had already drank was starting to take effect, and he was finding it harder to care.
Sean sighed and squeezed Aaron's shoulder. "I got you, Aaron. I'm here."
Aaron shook his head again, but this time he wasn't sure why. He drank what was left in his glass and held it out silently for Sean to refill.
Sean was as good as his word. He kept Aaron's glass filled and kept him from falling off the bench. Eventually he got Aaron into the bathroom and held his shoulders while he threw up. Then they sat on the bathroom floor while Aaron cried for a little while longer. Finally Sean got him a cold washcloth for his forehead and got a little bit of water in him and put him on the couch.
"I'm going to check on Dave, okay?" Sean said. He was rubbing Aaron's shoulder. "I'll be back in a little while. Sleep if you can."
"I'shou' go back t'bed," Aaron slurred, but he collapsed onto his side on the couch anyway. "Help."
Sean let out a snort of laughter. "You wouldn't be any help at all right now. I'll be fine."
"I know, but..." Aaron sighed heavily. What were they talking about?
"Shh. Sleep if you can," Sean repeated. He left, and Aaron drifted for a while. He thought maybe he was dreaming when Dave came in and sat down next to him. His hair was back, and he smiled broadly at Aaron, and Aaron knew it was a dream. Then he was being shaken. He opened his eyes and Sean was there instead of Dave. "Hey. You want to move to the bed? You were snoring."
"Wan' me t'move t'bed so I'll keep Dave up, n'not you?" Aaron managed, his throat dry.
"No, I was just asking. Stay here if you want." Sean rubbed Aaron's shoulder. "You want some more water?"
"'fraid I'll throw it up," Aaron whispered. "You want the couch? Don't mind th'floor."
"Stay there," Sean said. "I'm all right." He brushed a hand over Aaron's hair. "Remember when we were kids? I was scared of storms, and you'd let me sleep in your bed."
"Yeah," Aaron mumbled, and for some reason that brought tears to his eyes.
Sean laughed quietly. "Now I'm doing that for you." He rested a hand on Aaron's shoulder.
"Not exactly the same," Aaron said, closing his eyes and ignoring the trickle that ran down his cheek and into the couch cushions. "Thank you."
"It's okay," Sean said. He didn't move, and the last thing Aaron was aware of before he surrendered to sleep was the warm presence of his brother at his side.
***
Morning came too soon, and Aaron groaned and rolled over, pressing his face to the pillow... no, not the pillow. The couch. He groaned again. Getting drunk was a stupid idea.
He became dimly aware that his stomach was about to revolt, so he forced himself off the couch and ran down the hall. He barely made it to the toilet before he threw up. God, it had been a very stupid idea.
When he was done, he rinsed his mouth and brushed his teeth, feeling like he was going to die, then looked in the mirror. His eyes were bright red and puffy, dark circles under them. For once, he was glad Dave couldn't see.
He finally made it to the kitchen after resting on the toilet seat for a good ten minutes, and Dave was sitting at the table with his coffee. Jack was helping Sean cook, but when he turned and saw his dad, his mouth dropped open. Oh, God.
He collapsed in the seat next to Dave's and dropped his head in his hands, and Sean put a cup of coffee in front of him.
"Dad, are you sick?" Jack demanded. "You look like crap."
"Hey, that's not nice," Sean told Jack. "The eggs are going to burn."
Dave turned towards Aaron. "Are you okay?" he asked.
"Yeah," Aaron croaked, then cleared his throat. "Jack. Language."
"Crap isn't a bad word," Jack objected. He half turned from the stove, but then turned back at the look on Aaron's face. "Okay, I won't say it."
Dave chuckled and fumbled over until he found Aaron's hand.
Aaron squeezed it weakly. "It's not as bad as some of the other words, but you still shouldn't say it."
"I said I wouldn't," Jack huffed.
"You're growing up too fast. Stop it," Aaron said, and Jack giggled, but Aaron suddenly had a vision of Dave being gone and Jack being all grown up and not needing him anymore. Aaron would eventually be retired, and be living alone, and Jack and Haley and Sean would never be around. The team would be working all the time.
He suddenly felt like crying again, but bit down on his inner cheek and forced himself not to. You were supposed to be with me always, he thought angrily at Dave.
"It's my fault," Dave said. "I've been a bad influence, haven't I, Jack?"
Jack giggled again. "No! You taught me to cook, 'member?"
"Hey, what am I, chopped liver?" Sean asked, giving Jack a nudge.
"He taught me first," Jack said. "Spaghetti n'meatballs and lasagna and all kinds of good Italian stuff."
Sean laughed. "You do realize you're not actually Italian, right?" he teased.
"Buon giorno," Jack replied, and Dave laughed.
"You tell 'im, Rossi-in-training," he said.
This conversation wasn't making Aaron feel any better. Jack could never make up for Dave no matter how much Italian he cooked or spoke. It was a ridiculous thought, since Jack had no intention of trying to replace Dave and couldn't possibly if he tried, but Aaron felt completely incapable of being logical. He clenched his jaw and focused on not throwing up, sipping his coffee.
"Woke up alone this morning," Dave said. "You decide I was snoring too loud?"
"I think he was sick," Jack said.
"I am sick," Aaron agreed, not wanting to admit to anything in front of Jack. "Actually, I think I'm going to go lie down. Sorry."
He got out of the room and part of the way down the hall before he heard Dave behind him. Dave thumped something and swore, then called after him.
Aaron sighed and went back to wrap an arm around Dave where he'd stopped after walking into Jack's drum, though he didn't feel very strong right now. He was a little shaky. "You should try to eat," he murmured, and started to turn Dave back around.
"Are you okay?" Dave asked, clutching at Aaron to catch his balance. "I'm worried about you."
"No, I'm not okay. But I am." Aaron pulled Dave tighter against him, then leaned against the wall. "Nothing you can fix."
Dave sighed and kissed him. "Okay," he mumbled. "You sure you don't need me?"
Of course I need you, Aaron thought. That's the problem. But he just said, "Yeah." Dave nodded and pulled away carefully, then shuffled back towards the kitchen. He moved like an old man. The sight sent a pang through Aaron's chest.
He pressed his eyes shut for a moment, scrubbing a hand over his face. Then he turned and went back to bed, where he spent God knows how long hovering somewhere between tears and vomiting, unsure sometimes which urge was stronger, and if the desire to throw up had anything to do with drinking anymore.
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Date: 2009-09-28 10:00 am (UTC)BTW, it's several chapters back, but one thing that really stuck with me was Jack talking about the time Rossi got lost and said that Rossi pretended to be ok but he could see that his knuckles were white etc. Thought to myself, oh look, tiny little profiler already.
I love how settled in the relationship between Hotch and Rossi is. Even though I sometimes feel like smacking Hotch for the 10th "I want to do what you want to do" and Rossi for the time he keeps springing things on Aaron with the "I'm not making a decision, just getting information" ruse when we all know he's gonna make the decision anyway. Hard head.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-29 12:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-29 01:30 am (UTC)As a non-writer, I always wonder how writing something, especially something this epic affects an author. I mean, isn't there a chance that after something like this is just gets so locked in your brain you can never see them any other way? But maybe that's just my non-writer lack of imagination ;)
I do have to say that that is one reason why I walked in this with some trepidation. I'm always worried that maybe I might come to see them in a way and no longer be able to unsee them. I mean, sometimes that can be a good thing (I never saw Hotch/Rossi in canon until iscaris made a meta post about their interactions and now I can't not see them when they have scenes. Same for JJ/Emily ever since reading that ship_manifesto), but here was kinda my fear, if I see Hotch old, weakened and sick here, will I ever be able to see him as anything but that?
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Date: 2009-09-29 02:03 am (UTC)Then again, we sometimes have 'trouble' writin Hotch/Rossi, because they're such a quiet, comfortable pairing, so settled with each other and natural (not to mention how easy it is to see them in canon) that sometimes we think, "Man, what needs to be written about them?" If that makes sense. *G*
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Date: 2009-09-29 07:01 am (UTC)It just seems odd to me to say, "I now read your fic, had great fun and btw, I will now do my best to bleach this characterization from my memory, no hard feelings!". Which actually isn't true because I think the committment and so on will stay with me. But I really wouldn't want to think "Rossi is gonna die of cancer after only a few years and it's gonna suck" everytime I see or read him with anybody. (though if there was ever a "make the years before that all the sweeter" person, it would probably be him regardless of who he's with; it's funny to think of it, because when I imagine this story with other people, I actually think a lot of the Rossi key points would stay the same, but likely the reaction of the partner, whether it was Emily, Reid, Morgan, etc would be very different)
Congrats on the original stuff and good luck with it :)
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Date: 2009-10-01 03:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-01 03:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-14 09:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-28 01:36 pm (UTC)