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geekystudmuffinTitle: The Last Best Days
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innerslytherin and severity_softly
Artist:tli
Pairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 147,800
Summary: Futurefic--Shortly before Dave turns sixty, he is diagnosed with a grade III brain tumor. He and Aaron have to come to terms with what this means for their relationship. Eventually the team has to help Aaron say goodbye.
Notes: Heavy angst. Lots of medical detail. Character death. This fic would not exist without the extensive help, support, encouragement, and hand-holding fromresolucidity, who served as our medical consultant throughout.
Master post
Chapter Seventeen
Aaron hadn't been expecting things to get much better, but he'd been hoping Dave would still be seeing all right when Jack came. But then Haley and Jack's visit wound up getting delayed, and Aaron couldn't help but notice Dave's vision was starting to degrade more rapidly. He would watch Dave have to feel for the edge of his plate when they ate or fumbling with their toothbrushes to figure out which was his by feel.
For the most part, Aaron didn't help him. He knew that it had to be hard on Dave to slowly lose the ability to do the things he once took for granted. Aaron didn't want to make him feel like an invalid, and Dave seemed to appreciate that Aaron only helped when he was asked.
The morning before Jack arrived, Aaron pulled him close in bed and whispered in his ear. "How bad is it? Really?" He meant everything, since he had a feeling Dave was trying not to mention the pain he had to be in as much as possible, but he wasn't sure Dave would understand that.
"Hurts pretty bad," Dave mumbled. His eyes were closed. His expression had taken on a pinched look in the last few days, which Aaron ascribed to the pain. "I've been feeling short...hard to..." He trailed off, obviously fumbling for words. "Chest is tight."
Those words made Aaron's chest feel tight, but he just slid his hand up and rubbed at Dave's chest, in spite of knowing it wouldn't really help. God, he wished it would help. "What can I do?" he murmured.
Dave shook his head. "Just stick around," he whispered, opening his eyes and smiling at Aaron. He didn't know how well Dave could really see him, but the smile seemed like the same smile Dave had always given him. Maybe Dave could still picture Aaron's face. "You make me feel better by being around."
Aaron smiled back and stroked Dave's cheek. "Do you think I should call and tell Haley you can't see so she'll warn Jack?" He paused, then added, "How bad is that?"
Dave nodded. "Yeah," he said finally. "Yeah, she ought to warn him. I...there's shapes and colors. Movement sometimes." He closed his eyes again. "But I still know what he looks like," he murmured. "I can see his face. Haley's nose and lips, but your eyes. And your hair, these days." He smiled faintly. "He's gonna be just as handsome as you pretty soon. Have to fight off the girls."
"Don't remind me," Aaron said. "I had always expected you to be here to help me."
Dave chuckled faintly. "You'll be all right. You're pretty damn in...in...fuck. Scary when you want to be."
Aaron leaned in and kissed Dave softly, then whispered, "I'm just glad we have a son and not a daughter."
Dave laughed. "Be a little easier," he agreed. He opened his eyes and kissed Aaron again. "You're a great father, Aaron. You'll be okay without me."
I don't want to be anything without you, Aaron thought, but he just kissed Dave again, more slowly.
Dave's fingers slipped through Aaron's hair, then pulled back to trace over Aaron's features. "Smile for me," Dave whispered, his fingers brushing the corner of Aaron's lips.
That made Aaron laugh softly, his lips curling under Dave's fingers. He let Dave trace his mouth for a moment, then kissed his fingers, his lips parting against the tips.
Dave made a pleased noise. "You have such a nice smile," he murmured. "You're so sexy."
"So are you," Aaron whispered. "Always." He was tempted to take this further, partly just because it would be a pleasurable distraction from the pain for Dave, but also because sometimes he just felt like he needed to be physically close to Dave. But he wasn't sure if Dave would be up to anything at all. He took the tip of Dave's middle finger between his lips, trusting Dave to know what was on his mind and to tell him to stop if he didn't want to continue, before Aaron got himself excited.
"Mmm, Aaron." Dave's voice was husky. "Y'oughta get one of my pills if you're feeling frisky." He smiled.
"I love you," Aaron whispered, then rolled away to get into the nightstand. He pulled out the bottle of pills and pressed it into Dave's hand before getting up to go to the bathroom for a glass of water.
Dave swallowed it quickly and welcomed Aaron back into the bed with a long kiss. "Mm, c'mere," he murmured. "Want to feel you today." His hand slid through Aaron's hair and down his shoulders. "So good."
Touching Dave was both wonderful and terrifying now. He could feel Dave's ribs and he was a lot weaker than he used to be. But Aaron missed this. Dave's kiss was the same as it had always been, and Aaron loved showing Dave how much he was still desired.
Aaron slid his hand down to Dave's hip and kissed him again. He was tempted to make sure Dave was up to this, but Dave wouldn't have taken his pill if he wasn't sure. "You're beautiful," Aaron whispered, his hand sliding back up and under Dave's pajamas.
Dave snorted, but he was smiling as he pulled Aaron in for another kiss, hesitating to make sure he wasn't about to kiss Aaron's nose. "You are too," he murmured. "Beautiful and kind and passionate." He shifted closer, twining a leg around Aaron's.
Aaron ducked his head and kissed along Dave's jaw and neck, breathing in a scent that was distinctly Dave. "God, I want to taste you," Aaron breathed, his hand sliding down the front of Dave's pajamas.
"Yeah," Dave said, bucking his hips against Aaron's hand. His fingers were in Aaron's hair.
Aaron hummed a pleased noise and sucked at Dave's skin. He slid his hand up and pushed at the bottom of Dave's shirt, wanting it off, but not wanting to pull Dave's morphine line.
Dave helped, fumbling to hang on to the tubing so Aaron could push his shirt off. Then he was reaching for Aaron again. One hand slid over Aaron's skin.
Aaron slipped his hand into Dave's pants, tracing his fingers over Dave's skin and enjoying the noises Dave was making in response. They hadn't done this in a long time. Dave wasn't feeling well very often and Aaron had been too depressed. But grief seemed to cycle, and today he felt like he'd been miserable long enough that his mind was forcing him to take a reprieve. He was just glad Dave was up to this now.
"God, you feel good," Dave murmured. He was only about half hard, but he was obviously relishing Aaron's touch, and he was touching Aaron too. "Want more of you naked," he said, tugging at Aaron's pajamas.
Aaron hummed and stripped his pajama bottoms off so he was just in his boxers, then he rolled Dave onto his back and leaned over him, kissing over his chest, careful to avoid the port.
Dave was smiling at him, his hands slipping over Aaron's skin greedily. "You're so warm and strong," he murmured. "God, the things you do to me. I can't get enough of you."
"Love you," Aaron whispered in response. "It's mutual." He closed his mouth over a nipple and sucked lightly, pushing at Dave's pajama bottoms until they slipped over his hips.
Dave hummed and kicked them off, his fingers stroking through Aaron's hair and down his shoulders. "Love the feel of you," he whispered. "Want you, Aaron. Want to feel you inside me one more time."
Aaron sucked in a breath at those words and his eyes immediately welled up with tears, the suddenness of them in what had been such a pleasurable experience hitting Aaron hard. One more time. "God," he breathed, and before he could stop it, a tear fell and hit Dave's chest.
"Shh." Dave tugged Aaron up, stroking fingers over his hair. "Please," he murmured. "You've got me excited. I want this so much."
"I wish you hadn't said that," Aaron managed, trying to force himself to calm down.
"Sorry," Dave murmured. "I'll lie next time." He brushed little kisses against Aaron's skin anywhere he could reach. "I love you, Aaron. I need you."
There won't be a next time, Aaron thought, but he closed his eyes and let Dave try to soothe him, pushing down the horrible urge to weep. If this was the last time, he didn't want to be miserable. He wanted to make love.
"I love you so much," Dave whispered. He kept stroking Aaron's skin and hair, holding him close. "I'll love you forever. And I want you, Aaron." He kissed the side of Aaron's head. "Besides, this little blue pill makes sure I'll need some help."
Aaron choked out a laugh. "You are such a bastard."
"Mmm, it's why you love me," Dave murmured.
"Trust me, that's not the reason," Aaron said, smiling faintly in spite of himself. He wiped his cheek, even though it was dry now, and leaned down to kiss Dave slowly.
Dave hummed into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Aaron and holding him tightly.
Aaron breathed deeply, letting himself melt against Dave slowly, letting the kiss distract him from what Dave had said. "Love you," he whispered, then kissed Dave again, gently but with more passion. It this was the last time, it needed to be good. For both of them.
Dave made a pleased noise into the kiss, then whispered, "Yes," when their lips parted. He shifted under Aaron, sliding one hand down to cup his ass through his boxers. "Love you."
Aaron slid his hand down again to rub at Dave's erection. He still wasn't fully hard, but Aaron wondered if their break just a moment ago had caused that. "Are you sure?" Aaron whispered.
"I'm sure," Dave said. "I want you so much, Aaron. Just give me a little more time." He lifted his head and kissed Aaron deeply.
"That's not what I'm worried about," Aaron whispered. "I don't want to hurt you." Or take advantage of you, he thought, which was a strange thing to think, but Dave really wasn't well.
"You won't," Dave murmured. "Please, Aaron. I want this so much." He looked at Aaron, and maybe he wasn't seeing well, but there was still plenty of emotion in his gaze. "I want us to make love."
Aaron nodded slowly and kissed Dave again. He was going to make sure that Dave wasn't just doing this for Aaron, but the expression on Dave's face now made his desire clear enough. He shifted to get lube from the nightstand, then slid between Dave's legs, kissing his jaw. "God, you're perfect," he breathed after a moment.
"We're perfect together," Dave amended, pressing his palms against Aaron's chest and feeling his way to a nipple that he circled with his thumb.
Aaron let out a breath against Dave's neck, drinking in the way Dave touched him, then shifted a little to get the lube out of the nightstand. "Love the way you feel," he murmured when he moved back, sliding a hand down over Dave's ass, then over his thigh.
Dave groaned and shifted under Aaron's touch, obviously trying to get some friction for his cock. "Strange," he replied, "not knowing where you're going to touch me next."
"Good, though?" Aaron asked, "Or do you want play by play?" He smiled against Dave's skin and licked over his chest.
"Good," Dave breathed. "Mmm, Aaron. Love the way you touch me." His fingers slid over Aaron's skin eagerly.
Aaron leaned back a little, brushing his fingers over Dave's hip, then his jaw, then over the back of Dave's knee, watching Dave react. It was exciting to see the anticipation on Dave's face, waiting for Aaron's hand to move someplace new. He leaned down and kissed Dave, Dave reacting a half second too late to kiss him back, then curled his fingers around Dave's cock.
Dave sucked in a breath, shuddering faintly. His expression was a mixture of pleasure and desire as he attempted to stay still under Aaron's hand. "God, Aaron," he managed.
"Sexy," Aaron whispered. He stroked a few times, then slid his hand down to massage Dave's balls. He rolled them gently against his palm, then shifted so he could take Dave into his mouth, letting out a pleased groan as he did.
Dave groaned too, his fingers finding Aaron's hair and running through it. "Good," he gasped, caressing Aaron's hair and skin. "Love how much you always want me."
Aaron hummed an agreement, and Dave hissed quietly as the vibrations moved over his cock. After sucking for a moment, he pulled back. "I don't mind doing just this, Dave, if you're not up to--"
"Aaron, dammit," Dave gasped. "Want you inside me. Haven't had that in too long. I miss that. I miss being able to really make love with you. Please."
Aaron nodded, then remembered Dave couldn't see it. "Okay," he whispered, his breath ghosting over Dave's cock. He opened the lube and slicked his fingers, then sucked Dave back into his mouth as his finger worked slowly inside of Dave. God. Aaron had wanted Dave inside him when Dave had been well--almost reassuring himself Dave was well--and it really had been a long time since Aaron had done this. The tight heat around his finger made Aaron's cock ache for friction.
Dave groaned and shifted into the press of Aaron's finger. "God," he gasped, his fingers tightening in Aaron's hair. "Been too long. So good." His free hand roamed over Aaron's shoulders and back, scratching lightly and then soothing the sting with the pads of his fingers. "More, Aaron."
Aaron moaned around Dave and watched Dave's reaction, then slid another finger gently inside. He pulled back and murmured, "Tell me if you need me to slow down or--"
"Have I ever been shy about anything?" Dave demanded. "Aaron, I need you. I want you. And I need you to make me forget that I'm sick right now." He tugged gently at Aaron's hair. "So take me. Please."
Those words sent a pang of regret through Aaron. He'd done his best to not make Dave feel inadequate because his mind and body had changed, but now he was afraid to make love to Dave. He shook his head, trying to dismiss it. Dave wanted this. Quite a lot, apparently.
"I love you," Aaron whispered, sliding another finger in and rubbing gently at Dave's prostate.
Dave groaned, the determination in his expression slipping away and leaving only desire in its place. "Yes," he whispered. "Love you." His muscles worked around Aaron's finger, giving him a hint of what was to come. "Keep touching me."
Aaron's fingers pressed a little more firmly, then he leaned down and licked up Dave's shaft. Dave gasped, and Aaron swept up his body to kiss him before Dave realized he was doing it. Dave kissed him back a half-second too late, then just threaded his fingers into Aaron's hair.
"Tease," Dave declared, sounding utterly pleased. "So sexy." He was breathless and beginning to press into Aaron's touch, silently encouraging him to move more boldly. "Love your cock," he panted. "Love the feel of you moving over me. Need you."
Aaron groaned, arousal shooting straight through him. God, his body wanted this desperately. He slid his fingers out and slicked his cock, then leaned down and kissed Dave. His mouth was slow and wanting, but his cock just nudged Dave's entrance, giving Dave a chance to change his mind... or tell him how much he still wanted it.
"Yes," Dave panted when the kiss broke. His face was alight with pleasure and want. God, he was beautiful. "Inside," he ordered, and pulled Aaron down for another kiss. His other hand was on Aaron's ass, encouraging him.
Aaron did as he was told, and slid inside, the warm heat enveloping him and taking his breath away. He groaned happily into the kiss, then deepened it once his hips were settled against Dave's, wanting to take this as slow as possible. If this was it, he really wanted to make love to Dave rather than fuck him.
Dave's arms wrapped around him, holding him close. He made no move to hurry Aaron once they were joined. Instead he seemed to focus all of his energy and emotion into their kiss. His strength had been failing, but Aaron could feel a hint of the old strength in Dave's embrace. "Love you," Dave breathed between kisses. "So good."
"I love you too," Aaron whispered. He trailed kisses over Dave's jaw, his fingertips trailing over Dave's neck. I'll never have enough of this. Ever, he thought, savoring Dave's taste for a moment before pivoting his hips a little.
Dave groaned softly and clung to him, panting. "Want to touch you," he whispered, and one hand stroked across Aaron's back and up his shoulder to brush at his jaw.
"Mmm, you are," Aaron whispered. He kissed down Dave's throat, scraping his teeth over Dave's skin lightly. "Sexiest man ever," he added with a faint smile.
Dave let out a quiet laugh and arched his neck a little. "Your face," he said. "I want to touch your face."
Aaron hummed and moved back just a little so Dave could run his fingers over his face, closing his eyes. When Dave got to his lips, he couldn't help smiling, then kissed Dave's fingertips.
"You're so gorgeous," Dave breathed. "I love your smile. v'I ever told you that?" He stroked his thumb against Aaron's lips.
"Yeah," Aaron whispered. "But it's nice to hear." He kissed Dave slowly and thrust, a lazy out and in, letting out a little noise of pleasure as he did.
Dave made a noise that matched his, the arm around Aaron tightening. "God, Aaron," he breathed. "I love your smile." He smiled loosely. "I'll keep telling you that."
"I love your mouth," Aaron said, kissing Dave to demonstrate as he gave Dave another little thrust. This pace was equally amazing and threatening to kill him.
"Nnnh." Dave pulled him back for another kiss. "Feels good." He broke off with a wordless groan at Aaron's next thrust.
Aaron ran a hand up Dave's side, running the pad of his thumb lightly over Dave's nipples, enjoying the way Dave reacted. He sort of wished he wasn't so aware of what this was, finding himself trying to memorize the way Dave looked like this.
Dave's expression was so open and happy, it was incredible. He was repeating Aaron's name as they moved together, his touches hungry and loving against Aaron's skin.
"You're wonderful," Aaron whispered. The slow build of pleasure was nice, making him feel almost hypersensitive from the need building in him. He slid his hand down to curl around Dave's cock and stroked slowly in time with his movements, and Dave slid a leg up over his.
"Oh, God, Aaron," Dave breathed, clinging to him. "You feel so good. Always so patient and giving. So sexy. Mmm."
Aaron made a pleased noise, then thrust a little harder a few times, giving his body what it was begging for. Dave gasped and moaned, and Aaron kissed his neck as he listened for any sign of discomfort. He held Dave, then made himself slow again, panting against his neck.
Dave was holding on to Aaron so hard his nails were biting into Aaron's skin. He seemed to strain against Aaron for a long moment, then he groaned and slumped back down against the bed. "Why'd you...slow down?" he panted, hitching his leg higher on Aaron's hips. "Felt fantastic." He lifted his face for a kiss.
Aaron kissed him slowly, squeezing Dave's cock gently. "Want this to last. If you have the energy."
"Oh, God, yes," Dave said, running a hand up into Aaron's hair. "I'll try to hold out." He grinned at Aaron, humor and desire shining in his eyes.
"Good," Aaron whispered. He slid his hand down to Dave's ass, and thrust a little faster, then slowed down again, moaning at the way his body begged him to speed up again. "Oh, Dave."
Dave began moving with him, and for a time they paced themselves by what Dave could manage; when he began tiring, he would slow Aaron down, pulling him into soft, languid kisses and heated touches. When he'd caught his breath, he nipped at Aaron's mouth and urged him into more demanding thrusts.
"God," Aaron moaned, as the pleasure started to overwhelm him. "Dave."
Dave seemed to understand, and he slid his leg higher to lift his hips a little. Aaron started thrusting with need then, his fingers still working over Dave's prick, though not enough to bring him off. He intended to suck Dave when he was finished. "Love you," he whispered.
"Mmnh, yes," Dave gasped, running his fingers through Aaron's hair. His other hand slid down to grip Aaron's hip, urging him deeper. "Love you. Wish could...see you..." He cupped Aaron's cheek, kissing him hungrily.
"Can't still picture me?" Aaron teased breathlessly. He paused for a moment, but his body wouldn't let him stay slowed down for long anymore, and he went back to pushing deeply and quickly into Dave again. "Not much to see. Just me looking at the sexiest man I know."
Dave snorted. "Can," he panted, pinching Aaron's ass lightly. "Remember exactly...you look like when... telling bad jokes." He grinned and worked his muscles around Aaron. His eyes fell shut as Aaron's thrusts drove whimpers from him.
He laughed breathlessly anyway. "Cheesy maybe. Not a joke, though."
Dave laughed too and pulled him down for another kiss. "Harder," he demanded, and pulled Aaron deeper.
"Yes," Aaron breathed, and followed Dave's orders. "So good." He was panting against Dave's neck again, his hips working hard against Dave's, trying to focus on moving his hand slower. After a few moment, that became too hard, and he dropped his hand from Dave and gripped his hip, losing himself in the sensations moving through him.
Dave was gasping encouragement, one hand still cupped against Aaron's cheek. As Aaron approached climax, Dave kept demanding more, giving every indication that he was enjoying himself as much as Aaron was.
Aaron moaned Dave's name as he came, rocking his hips slowly against Dave as he milked his climax. His lips were licking and kissing along Dave's neck. "Mmm." It's over, he thought suddenly, with a little unpleasant thrill. God, this was it. He slid his hands under Dave's shoulders and held him tightly.
"Yes," Dave whispered, wrapping both arms tightly around Aaron. "Yes." He kissed Aaron passionately, obviously happy to have brought Aaron so much pleasure. "I love you, Aaron."
"I love you," Aaron returned, his voice thick with so many unsaid things.
Dave was smiling, though, and even though it reminded Aaron of how rare those smiles were these days, it was good to see. God, it was all too much.
"Kiss me," Dave whispered, as if he could feel Aaron thinking.
Aaron did as he was told, and leaned down to kiss Dave. Dave slid a hand into Aaron's hair and held him in a slow, loving kiss that made it even harder to catch his breath.
"You're so good to me," Dave murmured, brushing his nose along Aaron's cheek.
"I try to be," Aaron whispered. He kissed Dave again. "I'm lucky to have you too."
"Damn right you are," Dave whispered back. He was smiling and stroking his fingers against Aaron's cheek.
Aaron laughed quietly. "I suppose I should say thank you?" he asked, pulling out of Dave and starting to trail kisses down his neck and chest.
"Of course," Dave murmured, shivering and running his fingers into Aaron's hair.
When Aaron reached Dave's cock, he licked a strip up the underside, then slipped his lips over Dave all at once. "Mmm," he hummed, and watched as Dave arched. Dave tasted good. He always had. Aaron wasn't sure if this was his last time for this, too, so he closed his eyes and focused on the taste of Dave, and the feel of his thick cock sliding between his lips.
"God!" Dave gasped, his fingers tightening in Aaron's hair. "So good." He went still, his breathing harsh. He was obviously trying to control himself, but Aaron sucked harder and was rewarded with the feel of Dave's hips bucking. Dave whimpered. "Yes, Aaron."
Aaron hummed his agreement, and Dave thrust lightly again. God, you're sexy, he thought. Perfect. Mine. He gave Dave just a bare hint of teeth, then massaged Dave's balls lightly in his hand.
"Fuck, yes," Dave growled, tugging gently at Aaron's hair. "Know just how I like it." He was obviously thrilled with the teeth, so Aaron did it again, getting more of the same reaction. Dave arched under him, his encouragement growing bolder, more demanding. Aaron just groaned and took him deeper, nudging Dave's hip to indicate that Dave could thrust if he wanted to.
It brought a pleased noise from Dave, who began moving, thrusting erratically up into Aaron's mouth. It was easy to tell he was tiring, but at the same time, he was clearly very turned on. He was panting and whimpering as he moved, and the noises grew more desperate as Dave's movements increased in pace. All too soon, he was moaning Aaron's name as he came in a hot flood.
Aaron moaned and swallowed Dave's release, his thumb stroking over Dave's hip. When he pulled back, he kissed Dave's thigh, then slid up to kiss Dave slowly.
Dave wrapped an arm around him, pulling Aaron down and returning the kiss. His breathing was a little shorter than Aaron liked, so Aaron pulled back after a moment and kissed over Dave's jaw as he settled at Dave's side. "Love you," he whispered, closing his eyes and trying to memorize the way Dave tasted.
Dave made a wordless noise of happiness and wrapped his arms around Aaron. After a while he shifted to get more comfortable. "Love you so much," he whispered.
That's it, Aaron couldn't help thinking, and pressed his face against Dave's neck, holding him closer. "I love you," he repeated, because anything else he might be able to say right now would just ruin it.
They stayed snuggled together for a long time afterwards. Aaron could tell Dave was tired, and he would have felt guiltier about wearing him out, if Dave hadn't seemed so happy. He was going blind and forgetting words and in constant pain, but being with Aaron could still make Dave smile like that. It seemed incredible how strong his lover was. Aaron cradled Dave against him.
Finally Dave drew in a long breath, then coughed and shifted. He kissed Aaron's chest. "We ought to get up," he murmured. "Sean'll be wondering where we are."
"Don't care," Aaron mumbled, smiling faintly.
Dave chuckled. "He'll be jealous that you're gettin' some."
"Don't care," Aaron repeated, then sighed. They really should get up. "I'm more concerned with being naked when hospice care gets here."
"Good point." Dave snorted. "They'd probably be happy to enjoy the view for me." He slid a hand down to grope Aaron's ass.
"Don't want anyone looking. I'd rather just let you feel," Aaron said, and kissed Dave soundly.
"Too bad. You're definitely worth looking at." Dave smiled and pushed gently at his chest. "Go get up and get dressed. 'M gonna lie here a minute more."
Aaron nodded and kissed Dave again before getting up. He brushed his fingers over Dave's head. There's a tumor in there that's killing him, he thought, and then shook himself. This day was going all right, as good as these days could be, and who knew what would happen when Jack came. "Call me if you need me," he said, pulling on just his boxers and robe. "Do you want coffee?"
"Mmm, coffee," Dave said, smiling. "It's been so good going back to all my...my... Huh. Things."
"Yeah," Aaron said. He wished that letting Dave pick up his bad habits again actually did more to help the pain. "I'll be back."
"Okay." Dave didn't move, but he still looked pretty smug, so Aaron wasn't worried. He went out to get some coffee started and found that Sean had already done it. His brother wasn't usually up early, but Aaron could see him out on the deck, hunched over a cup of coffee. Aaron pulled out two cups, filled them, and carried them back to the bedroom.
He found his lover standing in his boxers and an undershirt, fumbling through the closet. "Which one of these shirts is blue?" Dave asked. "I need a blue shirt today."
Aaron frowned. "Thought you said you could see colors. I hope to God sex didn't take that much out of you," he said, handing Dave his favorite of Dave's shirts, and kissing Dave's shoulder.
Dave laughed and touched Aaron's hair. "If it's really dark blue, it looks like black. That happened even when I had two eyes and a brain that worked." He shrugged into the shirt, but didn't button it yet.
Aaron ran a hand down Dave's chest and kissed his throat. "Love you. Sexy."
"Mmm, you just can't get enough of me, can you?" Dave teased. He was smiling. "Jeans. I don't think I'm going to bother with shoes though."
Aaron continued to mouth at Dave's skin, wrapping his arms around Dave, and suddenly wondered how strange it must be to make love to someone you can't see. "I don't think you should bother with the jeans."
Dave chuckled. "That might make you happy, but I'm not sure about the hospice lady." He melted into Aaron's embrace, though.
Aaron pulled back enough to kiss Dave slowly, then sighed. "I'll call Haley while they're here," he said, then looked around for a pair of jeans that didn't fall off Dave these days. He'd bought Dave a few new pairs the month before, and they were a little loose now too.
Dave nodded absently. "Good. Tell her I say hi." He smiled faintly. "Tell Jack to bring his guitar. He can play for me."
Aaron snorted. "They're probably already on their way. We can make Sean go get his."
"Hell, Jack could probably use a new one, if he's been practicing a lot. You can always get Sean to go out and buy him one." Dave grinned. "Go talk to Haley. I'll see you at the breakfast table."
Aaron nodded and kissed Dave again, then went back into the kitchen, grabbing his phone and coffee on the way. He was planning to make some scrambled eggs and toast, but Sean had already come inside and seemed to be getting things out for breakfast, enough of it for all three of them.
"Morning," Aaron murmured, settling down at the table.
"Hi," Sean said, giving him a hesitant smile. Things between them were still stiff, but Sean obviously felt most comfortable in the kitchen. Aaron supposed it was the one room where he could control things.
"What are you making?" Aaron asked. He'd been forcing himself to try for Dave, but it was still difficult.
"Italian omelets sound okay? I've been trying to make things I know Dave likes." Sean cracked an egg without waiting for Aaron to answer.
"Yeah, thanks," Aaron said. He sighed and flipped his phone open, scrolling for Haley's number.
She answered on the first ring. "Aaron? Is everything okay?" He could hear road noise in the background.
"Yeah," he said calmly. "I just think you should warn Jack about a couple of things before he gets here." And maybe he was warning her too.
"What's going on?" she asked. His calmness obviously reassured her, though, because she sounded less worried.
"Well, since Jack saw Dave last, he's lost a considerable amount of weight," he said, then took a long sip of his coffee. "Then there's the issue of his vision. He, ah... he can't really see anymore. Just color and movement, really."
"Oh, God, Aaron," she whispered. "How are you doing? Is he in much pain?"
"He is. He told me this morning he felt like it was hard to breathe." Aaron saw Sean pause in what he was doing, seeming to freeze for a moment at those words, then he apparently forced himself to keep cooking.
"Ohh," she breathed. "We're on our way, Aaron. We should be there by this evening." She paused. "Jack has headphones on, but do you want to talk to him?"
Aaron sighed. "Could you? Do you mind?"
"I don't mind," Haley said. "I'll tell him when we stop for lunch. How is Dave doing emotionally?"
Aaron was relived Haley didn't mind. He was tired of always being the bearer of bad news lately, and today he seemed to be stable enough to ask for help, which was rare these days. "That part is mostly okay, I think," Aaron said. "He's doing better than I am most days."
"Well..." Haley sighed. "I hate seeing you go through this. Do you have help? Is there anything you need me to bring to the house?"
"Sean's here," Aaron said, glancing at his brother. "The team has been coming by, a couple at a time. Just you and Jack is fine. Did Jack happen to bring his guitar?"
She laughed faintly. "Actually he did. He said he wanted to play for Dave. Is that okay?"
Aaron smiled, chuckling softly. "That's great. Dave was wanting to hear him play, actually. He was saying we should just buy him a new one if he didn't have it," he said.
"Must be nice to be made of money," Haley said, but she sounded like she was teasing. "Jack'll be more than happy to show off, I'm sure. He's been practicing a lot, actually. Right now he's torn between being a pro basketball player, a rock star, or an FBI agent."
Aaron's smile didn't fade. "Well, they're all fine choices," he said, and looked up as Dave shuffled into the room.
"Personally I'd prefer rock star," Haley said. "Basketball players get injured. But then sometimes I wish I could wrap him up in bubble wrap and never let him out."
"Mooooom," Jack said in the background. He must have taken his headphones off.
Dave sat at the table and leaned his chin in his hand, staring blankly toward the sliding glass door. He and Sean exchanged murmured greetings.
"Basketball players get injured, but rock stars have too many girls after them," he said, grinning now. Dave seemed to perk up a little at the sound of Aaron's voice, and Aaron reached over and took his hand.
Haley laughed. "This is the weirdest conversation. I'll see you this evening, okay? And don't worry about stuff. I'll take care of it."
"See you," Aaron said, and hung up, then squeezed Dave's hand. "They'll be here sometime tonight."
"Good. It'll be good to see Jack." Dave paused and made a wry face. "In a manner of speaking." Sean refilled his coffee cup and Dave sipped it gingerly.
"He brought his guitar," Aaron said, then glanced at Sean. "It's a shame you didn't. I'm sure he'd like to play with you."
"I didn't think to," Sean said, looking surprised.
Dave squeezed Aaron's hand. "Maybe they can go out and get Jack a new guitar anyway," he said.
Aaron chuckled. "And that'll teach Jack that money grows on trees."
"Well, you can tell him it's part of his inheritance," Dave said. He was smiling, but it looked sad.
"He can't inherit something you haven't owned," Aaron pointed out.
"It'll be my money buying it..." Dave trailed off and sighed. "I'm too tired to do this." He rubbed his forehead.
"I could always go get my guitar," Sean said. "It wouldn't take that long."
"If you want." Aaron watched Dave for a moment, then sighed and rubbed his shoulder. "Sean is making Italian omelets."
"Sounds good," Dave said. He turned and smiled faintly at Aaron. "Bacon too?"
"You bet," Sean said. "A breakfast guaranteed to clog your arteries."
Dave made an amused noise.
"Good. So when I go back to work, I won't even be able to run up a flight of stairs without wheezing," Aaron said. He should really be doing something to keep himself in shape, he thought.
"You ought to be working out somehow," Dave said, grinning. "It'd be terrible if they didn't let you back because you couldn't pass the physical."
"Maybe I should start jogging in the morning again," Aaron said, but couldn't help but wonder what would happen if Dave took a turn for the worse while he was out. As it was, he hated just being in a different room than Dave some days.
"You should," Dave said. He brushed his fingers over Aaron's skin. "I'm sure Sean can entertain me for the length of time it takes you to do a few miles."
Aaron hummed a noise that didn't sound quite as sure anymore. He glanced at Sean, suddenly wanting to drop the subject. "You need help?"
"Nah, I've got it," Sean said. "In fact, it's about ready. I guess you could grab some plates and forks if you want."
Aaron set the table as Sean brought the food over. Dave let Aaron fill his plate, but he insisted on feeding himself with painstaking care. Aaron watched Dave and occasionally caught Sean watching him too. When their gazes met, he saw that his brother was fighting back tears. Sean had run away, and Aaron was still upset about it...but he was here now. He wasn't running this time. Aaron wasn't sure it made much difference.
When Dave fell asleep in his recliner shortly after breakfast, Aaron busied himself with cleaning. He hadn't made much time to do that lately, and even though he had help, he wanted to have things a little tidier before Haley and Jack got here. Dave got up for a late lunch, then went to lie down for a nap. Aaron found himself feeling adrift and desperate for something to distract him. Finally he decided he might as well go for a jog, so he told Sean to check on Dave every once in a while, then headed out on the route he hadn't done for months now.
When he got back, feeling exhausted and sore and out of shape, Sean had messages from Father Jimmy, who sent his prayers, and the hospice nurse, who was running very late.
Aaron nodded, still out of breath, then took a glass of water out back and collapsed on the steps of the deck, not wanting to sweat all over the furniture inside. After a moment, he lay back and looked at the sky.
It was a nice day--cool and breezy. The clouds were drifting across his field of vision and it struck him suddenly that this world was just going to keep going after Dave was gone. It wasn't profound, but it felt strange to think of, just as it had felt strange all day to feel mostly okay, even though there was still this profound sadness just sitting inside him, like a loaded gun just waiting for someone to pull the trigger.
After a long while spent staring up at the sky, he heard what he thought was a car pulling into the driveway. At about the same time, he heard a crash from inside the house, and Dave's voice swearing. He was on his feet in an instant, and as he reached the door he heard Dave swear again.
As Aaron got into the kitchen from one side, Sean came in from the other. Dave was standing by the table, his gaze turned down to the ground. His expression was hard to read--angry, or maybe frustrated.
"Are you all right?" Sean and Aaron asked the question on top of each other. Just after that, the doorbell rang. Sean looked at Aaron, then headed to answer the door.
"I broke a glass," Dave said. "I thought I could manage a drink for myself."
Aaron sighed, then crossed the room to kiss Dave's cheek, side-stepping around the glass. "I'll get it," he murmured. "Are you okay?" He lifted Dave's hands to check for cuts, wondering if Dave had tried to clean it up at all.
"I'm fine," Dave muttered. "I couldn't see where it landed and didn't want to find it the hard way. So I just stood here like a fucking lump."
"It's fine," Aaron said, touching Dave's cheek. "Hospice care is here, I think." The voices down the hall didn't sound like Haley and Jack. Aaron went to go get paper towels and came back to clean up the mess.
Dave nodded and sighed. "You don't mind cleaning it up?" he asked. "I'll go see the nurse."
"Sure." Aaron listened vaguely to the muffled conversation in the living room as he cleaned up. He pulled out the broom and dustpan, then decided to go over it with a damp sponge to pick up any tiny glass shards that might have been missed. When he finally got out to the living room, the nurse was almost ready to leave.
"I'll let Amy, our team leader, know to expect a call from you at some point," she said. She smiled when Aaron came out into the living room. "Hi, Mr. Hotchner. Dave's going to be increasing his morphine some, okay? I've given him and your chef, here, some dietary guidelines." Her smile was sympathetic. "Mostly the thing is, make things Dave wants to eat. His appetite is probably going to be decreasing over the next few weeks. That's natural. Just...whatever you feel like," she repeated, resting a hand against Dave's shoulder.
Aaron tried to smile back at her, but he understood too well what Dave's decreasing appetite meant. He nodded, and she smiled at him again before leaving. Aaron looked back at Dave, who was just staring ahead of himself. "Why are you calling the team leader?"
Dave sighed. "This is too much work," he said, turning toward the sound of Aaron's voice. "I told her I wanted to talk to the team leader about options for hospice care facilities." He reached out and fumbled for Aaron's hand, then tugged him gently over to the couch. "Next time it might be something more serious than a glass."
Aaron wasn't sure when his mouth had fallen open, but he realized he was just staring at Dave, the decent mood he'd been in doing a nose dive. He glanced over at Sean, who seemed to understand, and left the room, then look back at Dave. "We've been doing fine," he said finally.
"I know." Dave rubbed Aaron's hands gently. "It was a...a..." He frowned, then said, "I didn't mean to ask her. Just did. I haven't made any decisions. It's just that I wanted to die at home, so I didn't even talk about going to a place. So I thought we should find out about it." He leaned in, stroking his fingers tenderly up Aaron's forearm. "You're wearing yourself out. Maybe it would be better if you could just...just be with me, instead of taking care of me."
"I want to take care of you," Aaron said immediately, then sucked in a shaky breath. "I can, Dave. I'm fine."
Dave was quiet for a minute, then said, "I just want information, Aaron. No decisions. Just something so we know." He leaned in against Aaron. "I wouldn't go until it got really bad, anyway. I like being with you." He closed his eyes.
Aaron drew a deep breath and tried not to get defensive. He didn't like the idea of Dave dying in a hospital, and he hated the idea that maybe Dave thought he couldn't handle taking care of him. Aaron wrapped his arms around Dave and pulled him closer. "I love you."
"I love you too," Dave said. "I just don't like being a burden to you." He nuzzled Aaron's throat. "Doesn't matter. We'll decide later."
"You'll never be a burden," Aaron said, kissing Dave's forehead.
"I hope not." Dave sighed, and Aaron felt him relax against him.
"Never," Aaron repeated. He squeezed Dave gently, then sighed. "I need to shower."
"Yeah, well, I wasn't gonna say anything," Dave teased. He pulled away, smirking faintly.
Aaron snorted. "You know, if I wanted to smack you, you'd never see it coming."
Dave laughed. "But I know you well enough to know you'd never do that."
"Sometimes that's a curse," Aaron said, and leaned in to kiss Dave before getting up. "Need anything before I go wash up?"
"Nah, I'm just going to sit here. I guess you could get me the remote. I can still channel surf."
Aaron grabbed the remote, then held it out, touching it to the back of Dave's hand so he could take it without fumbling. "I'll be back."
Dave lifted his head for another kiss, then Aaron got in the shower. When he turned off the water and stepped out, he heard shouting, but it sounded excited more than anything. Jack, he decided. He dried off and got dressed before going out to the living room, where he found Jack telling a story loudly. He interrupted himself when he saw Aaron, though, and threw himself at Aaron.
"Dad!" he cried, and hugged him tightly around the waist.
"Hey, Jacks," Aaron said, and kissed the top of Jack's head. "Are you telling all the good stories without me?"
"I was just telling Dave about the huge storm we had last night," Jack said. "There was lightning all over! And thunder! Andrew made us sit in the basement for like two hours."
Haley laughed. "It was twenty minutes," she said.
He looked up and smiled at her. "I like his version better."
"It was cool," Jack said. "Andrew put my sleeping bag on the couch in the basement and said I could sleep there all night."
"Andrew's pretty all right, isn't he, kiddo?" Dave said. He was smiling, though he looked tired.
Jack nodded. His expression changed slightly when he glanced at Dave, then he said, "Yeah," more loudly than he would usually talk.
Dave snorted. "I can't see, but I can hear you fine," he said, with the air of someone who was repeating something.
Aaron's lips quirked, and he guided Jack to go sit on the couch next to Dave, then went to take the chair nearest Haley. Jack looked uncertain for a moment, then sat next to Dave, too carefully.
"How was your trip?" Aaron asked.
"Uneventful," Haley said. "In fact I was bored, since somebody insisted on wearing his headphones most of the trip." She gave Jack a pointed look.
Jack just shrugged, obviously unconcerned.
"I hope you were listening to the good stuff," Dave said. "Santana, Led Zeppelin, Allman Brothers Band..."
Jack made a face.
Aaron grinned. "I told you you weren't cool."
Dave heaved an exaggerated sigh. "I guess you were right," he said.
Jack looked uncertainly at Dave, then said, "Dad, can we play basketball?"
Aaron's eyebrows lifted, but then he nodded. Normally he would have asked if anyone wanted to come watch (figuratively, in Dave's case) Jack beat him, but the request was so sudden, Aaron had a feeling it was an excuse to get him alone. "I don't see why not," he said, and stood, ruffling Jack's hair when he got to him. "Dave, you can put Haley to work if you need to, right?"
"Yeah, we'll be fine," Dave said. "Go on and have fun. Try not to lose by too much."
"I might be too nice to smack you, but she isn't," Aaron threatened, and Haley laughed as Jack led them both outside. Aaron grabbed a basketball out of the garage along the way and tossed it to Jack once they were outside. "I went for a run this morning, so if you beat me, it's just because I'm already tired," he said, deciding to let Jack talk about what was bothering him first.
"Yeah, right," Jack said, dribbling the ball. He shot a free throw and missed, then shot another and made it. He was concentrating on bouncing the ball when he blurted out, "Is Dave going to die now?"
The suddenness of that question knocked a little of the wind out of Aaron. "Not right this second. Probably not today," he said.
Jack kept dribbling the ball, not looking at him. "He can't even see me."
"I know," Aaron said. "But he's known you all your life; he knows what you look like."
"When we first got here..." Jack took a shot and missed. The ball rebounded toward Aaron, who caught it. "He asked Mom how 'that guy' was. He couldn't remember Andrew's name." He darted a glance at Aaron, then looked down, kicking his heel against the toe of his other shoe. "What if he forgets about me?"
"Well," Aaron said, then sighed, unsure if he knew the best way to answer a question that had been bothering him too. He licked his lips and took a shot. "I don't know," he said. "I don't really know what's going to happen. But... even if he forgets us, it doesn't mean that he loved us any less this whole time." He bit his lips together and tried another shot. "I really hope that doesn't happen, though."
Jack shot again. His lips were pursed as he thought. "Mom seemed pretty sad when she was talking about Dave at lunch. She likes him, right? Even though she used to love you and now Dave loves you?"
"Yeah," Aaron said. "And I like Andrew. Why?"
Jack shrugged. "What happens when Dave dies?"
"You mean to him?" Aaron asked.
Jack shrugged again. "We won't ever see him again."
Aaron opened his mouth, but no sound came out. After a moment, he sighed, and went to sit on the edge of the porch, not really feeling like playing anymore. "No. We won't. Not really, anyway."
Jack watched him unhappily, then followed him over and sat next to him, leaning his head on Aaron's shoulder. "What do we do then?" His voice was thick suddenly.
Aaron closed his eyes against the sudden stinging, and slid his arm around Jack. "We have to keep living even though we're really, really sad. And maybe on his birthday you can come out and we can go visit his... him."
"How do we visit someone who's dead?" Jack whispered. "Why does he have to die anyway? It's not fair." He sounded dangerously close to tears.
"It's not, but he just does. I don't know why this is happening, but... it is." Aaron sighed and tightened his arm on Jack. "We'll have a funeral for Dave, and everyone who loves him can see him one last time, and then he'll go to a cemetery," Aaron said. His words were starting to choke him. "And he'll be buried in the ground. We can go visit his grave."
"And he'll be with Uncle Steve?" Jack asked. "He said he would still watch me if he could. Is that true?"
"He'll watch all of us, if he can," Aaron said. "He loves us, and he'll miss us too. A lot."
Jack leaned down and buried his face against Aaron's leg. "I don't want Dave to die."
Aaron drew a shaky breath. God, if Jack started crying, he wasn't sure he could keep his composure. He felt too tired again. "I don't want him to either," he murmured.
Jack took a few deep breaths, then sat up, wiping his eyes. "Rashid says he misses his uncle. He used to take Rashid swimming all the time. And buy him ice cream." He looked down at his tennis shoes. "I'm going to miss Dave a lot."
Aaron petted Jack's hair. "We all are. You're going to have to come see me more. I'm going to be here by myself," he said, his eyes going a little glassy. "Okay?"
"Okay," Jack whispered. "I don't want you to be lonely."
"Thank you," Aaron said, giving Jack a sad smile and kissing the top of his head.
Jack hugged Aaron tightly, then said, "Can we go in and sit with Dave now?"
"Yeah," Aaron said. He got up and helped Jack up from the steps. "We got you something in Ireland. Do you want it now?" he asked, knowing full well what the answer would be.
"Yes!" Jack shouted, smiling again. When they got inside, Jack was chattering excitedly about it. Aaron saw Dave startle awake, then say something to Haley, who laughed. Jack ran into the living room, Aaron following at a more sedate pace.
"Mom! Dad and Dave got me something in Ireland!" he announced, and Dave laughed and said they'd gotten something for Haley as well. The next hour was spent sharing their souvenirs and talking about the trip. They pulled out their pictures, and Haley said she would put together a scrapbook for them while she was visiting.
Eventually Dave fell asleep again. Jack was watching Dave sleep, and Aaron found himself doing the same. Eventually Sean got back from wherever he'd been, and he and Jack tried to make music together with Jack's guitar and the bodhran they'd brought him from Ireland. After supper Dave said he was going to have an early night and suggested maybe Jack would 'tuck him in'. Jack laughed but followed Dave back to the bedroom.
Jack disappeared into the backyard to really play basketball after that, and Haley, Sean and Aaron talked for a while in the living room over decaf coffee. Haley quickly learned to keep the conversation going when Aaron and Sean lapsed into awkward silence with one another. Aaron was feeling much more subdued and down by the end of the night, probably a combination of his conversation with Jack, Dave's suggestion of a hospice facility, and the aching of his body from his run. He stayed in the conversation even though his mind was elsewhere, but eventually excused himself to bed, blaming his earlier exercise.
Dave was predictably fast asleep when he got to bed, and Aaron curled up behind him. Dave didn't wake up, and for a half second Aaron was seized with that horrible fear Dave had died, before he remembered that Dave slept much heavier these days. Sleep came hard, and Aaron just listened to Dave breathe for a while before exhaustion finally overtook him, dragging him into unpleasant dreams.
Author:
innerslytherin and severity_softlyArtist:
tliPairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 147,800
Summary: Futurefic--Shortly before Dave turns sixty, he is diagnosed with a grade III brain tumor. He and Aaron have to come to terms with what this means for their relationship. Eventually the team has to help Aaron say goodbye.
Notes: Heavy angst. Lots of medical detail. Character death. This fic would not exist without the extensive help, support, encouragement, and hand-holding from
resolucidity, who served as our medical consultant throughout.Master post
Chapter Seventeen
Aaron hadn't been expecting things to get much better, but he'd been hoping Dave would still be seeing all right when Jack came. But then Haley and Jack's visit wound up getting delayed, and Aaron couldn't help but notice Dave's vision was starting to degrade more rapidly. He would watch Dave have to feel for the edge of his plate when they ate or fumbling with their toothbrushes to figure out which was his by feel.
For the most part, Aaron didn't help him. He knew that it had to be hard on Dave to slowly lose the ability to do the things he once took for granted. Aaron didn't want to make him feel like an invalid, and Dave seemed to appreciate that Aaron only helped when he was asked.
The morning before Jack arrived, Aaron pulled him close in bed and whispered in his ear. "How bad is it? Really?" He meant everything, since he had a feeling Dave was trying not to mention the pain he had to be in as much as possible, but he wasn't sure Dave would understand that.
"Hurts pretty bad," Dave mumbled. His eyes were closed. His expression had taken on a pinched look in the last few days, which Aaron ascribed to the pain. "I've been feeling short...hard to..." He trailed off, obviously fumbling for words. "Chest is tight."
Those words made Aaron's chest feel tight, but he just slid his hand up and rubbed at Dave's chest, in spite of knowing it wouldn't really help. God, he wished it would help. "What can I do?" he murmured.
Dave shook his head. "Just stick around," he whispered, opening his eyes and smiling at Aaron. He didn't know how well Dave could really see him, but the smile seemed like the same smile Dave had always given him. Maybe Dave could still picture Aaron's face. "You make me feel better by being around."
Aaron smiled back and stroked Dave's cheek. "Do you think I should call and tell Haley you can't see so she'll warn Jack?" He paused, then added, "How bad is that?"
Dave nodded. "Yeah," he said finally. "Yeah, she ought to warn him. I...there's shapes and colors. Movement sometimes." He closed his eyes again. "But I still know what he looks like," he murmured. "I can see his face. Haley's nose and lips, but your eyes. And your hair, these days." He smiled faintly. "He's gonna be just as handsome as you pretty soon. Have to fight off the girls."
"Don't remind me," Aaron said. "I had always expected you to be here to help me."
Dave chuckled faintly. "You'll be all right. You're pretty damn in...in...fuck. Scary when you want to be."
Aaron leaned in and kissed Dave softly, then whispered, "I'm just glad we have a son and not a daughter."
Dave laughed. "Be a little easier," he agreed. He opened his eyes and kissed Aaron again. "You're a great father, Aaron. You'll be okay without me."
I don't want to be anything without you, Aaron thought, but he just kissed Dave again, more slowly.
Dave's fingers slipped through Aaron's hair, then pulled back to trace over Aaron's features. "Smile for me," Dave whispered, his fingers brushing the corner of Aaron's lips.
That made Aaron laugh softly, his lips curling under Dave's fingers. He let Dave trace his mouth for a moment, then kissed his fingers, his lips parting against the tips.
Dave made a pleased noise. "You have such a nice smile," he murmured. "You're so sexy."
"So are you," Aaron whispered. "Always." He was tempted to take this further, partly just because it would be a pleasurable distraction from the pain for Dave, but also because sometimes he just felt like he needed to be physically close to Dave. But he wasn't sure if Dave would be up to anything at all. He took the tip of Dave's middle finger between his lips, trusting Dave to know what was on his mind and to tell him to stop if he didn't want to continue, before Aaron got himself excited.
"Mmm, Aaron." Dave's voice was husky. "Y'oughta get one of my pills if you're feeling frisky." He smiled.
"I love you," Aaron whispered, then rolled away to get into the nightstand. He pulled out the bottle of pills and pressed it into Dave's hand before getting up to go to the bathroom for a glass of water.
Dave swallowed it quickly and welcomed Aaron back into the bed with a long kiss. "Mm, c'mere," he murmured. "Want to feel you today." His hand slid through Aaron's hair and down his shoulders. "So good."
Touching Dave was both wonderful and terrifying now. He could feel Dave's ribs and he was a lot weaker than he used to be. But Aaron missed this. Dave's kiss was the same as it had always been, and Aaron loved showing Dave how much he was still desired.
Aaron slid his hand down to Dave's hip and kissed him again. He was tempted to make sure Dave was up to this, but Dave wouldn't have taken his pill if he wasn't sure. "You're beautiful," Aaron whispered, his hand sliding back up and under Dave's pajamas.
Dave snorted, but he was smiling as he pulled Aaron in for another kiss, hesitating to make sure he wasn't about to kiss Aaron's nose. "You are too," he murmured. "Beautiful and kind and passionate." He shifted closer, twining a leg around Aaron's.
Aaron ducked his head and kissed along Dave's jaw and neck, breathing in a scent that was distinctly Dave. "God, I want to taste you," Aaron breathed, his hand sliding down the front of Dave's pajamas.
"Yeah," Dave said, bucking his hips against Aaron's hand. His fingers were in Aaron's hair.
Aaron hummed a pleased noise and sucked at Dave's skin. He slid his hand up and pushed at the bottom of Dave's shirt, wanting it off, but not wanting to pull Dave's morphine line.
Dave helped, fumbling to hang on to the tubing so Aaron could push his shirt off. Then he was reaching for Aaron again. One hand slid over Aaron's skin.
Aaron slipped his hand into Dave's pants, tracing his fingers over Dave's skin and enjoying the noises Dave was making in response. They hadn't done this in a long time. Dave wasn't feeling well very often and Aaron had been too depressed. But grief seemed to cycle, and today he felt like he'd been miserable long enough that his mind was forcing him to take a reprieve. He was just glad Dave was up to this now.
"God, you feel good," Dave murmured. He was only about half hard, but he was obviously relishing Aaron's touch, and he was touching Aaron too. "Want more of you naked," he said, tugging at Aaron's pajamas.
Aaron hummed and stripped his pajama bottoms off so he was just in his boxers, then he rolled Dave onto his back and leaned over him, kissing over his chest, careful to avoid the port.
Dave was smiling at him, his hands slipping over Aaron's skin greedily. "You're so warm and strong," he murmured. "God, the things you do to me. I can't get enough of you."
"Love you," Aaron whispered in response. "It's mutual." He closed his mouth over a nipple and sucked lightly, pushing at Dave's pajama bottoms until they slipped over his hips.
Dave hummed and kicked them off, his fingers stroking through Aaron's hair and down his shoulders. "Love the feel of you," he whispered. "Want you, Aaron. Want to feel you inside me one more time."
Aaron sucked in a breath at those words and his eyes immediately welled up with tears, the suddenness of them in what had been such a pleasurable experience hitting Aaron hard. One more time. "God," he breathed, and before he could stop it, a tear fell and hit Dave's chest.
"Shh." Dave tugged Aaron up, stroking fingers over his hair. "Please," he murmured. "You've got me excited. I want this so much."
"I wish you hadn't said that," Aaron managed, trying to force himself to calm down.
"Sorry," Dave murmured. "I'll lie next time." He brushed little kisses against Aaron's skin anywhere he could reach. "I love you, Aaron. I need you."
There won't be a next time, Aaron thought, but he closed his eyes and let Dave try to soothe him, pushing down the horrible urge to weep. If this was the last time, he didn't want to be miserable. He wanted to make love.
"I love you so much," Dave whispered. He kept stroking Aaron's skin and hair, holding him close. "I'll love you forever. And I want you, Aaron." He kissed the side of Aaron's head. "Besides, this little blue pill makes sure I'll need some help."
Aaron choked out a laugh. "You are such a bastard."
"Mmm, it's why you love me," Dave murmured.
"Trust me, that's not the reason," Aaron said, smiling faintly in spite of himself. He wiped his cheek, even though it was dry now, and leaned down to kiss Dave slowly.
Dave hummed into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Aaron and holding him tightly.
Aaron breathed deeply, letting himself melt against Dave slowly, letting the kiss distract him from what Dave had said. "Love you," he whispered, then kissed Dave again, gently but with more passion. It this was the last time, it needed to be good. For both of them.
Dave made a pleased noise into the kiss, then whispered, "Yes," when their lips parted. He shifted under Aaron, sliding one hand down to cup his ass through his boxers. "Love you."
Aaron slid his hand down again to rub at Dave's erection. He still wasn't fully hard, but Aaron wondered if their break just a moment ago had caused that. "Are you sure?" Aaron whispered.
"I'm sure," Dave said. "I want you so much, Aaron. Just give me a little more time." He lifted his head and kissed Aaron deeply.
"That's not what I'm worried about," Aaron whispered. "I don't want to hurt you." Or take advantage of you, he thought, which was a strange thing to think, but Dave really wasn't well.
"You won't," Dave murmured. "Please, Aaron. I want this so much." He looked at Aaron, and maybe he wasn't seeing well, but there was still plenty of emotion in his gaze. "I want us to make love."
Aaron nodded slowly and kissed Dave again. He was going to make sure that Dave wasn't just doing this for Aaron, but the expression on Dave's face now made his desire clear enough. He shifted to get lube from the nightstand, then slid between Dave's legs, kissing his jaw. "God, you're perfect," he breathed after a moment.
"We're perfect together," Dave amended, pressing his palms against Aaron's chest and feeling his way to a nipple that he circled with his thumb.
Aaron let out a breath against Dave's neck, drinking in the way Dave touched him, then shifted a little to get the lube out of the nightstand. "Love the way you feel," he murmured when he moved back, sliding a hand down over Dave's ass, then over his thigh.
Dave groaned and shifted under Aaron's touch, obviously trying to get some friction for his cock. "Strange," he replied, "not knowing where you're going to touch me next."
"Good, though?" Aaron asked, "Or do you want play by play?" He smiled against Dave's skin and licked over his chest.
"Good," Dave breathed. "Mmm, Aaron. Love the way you touch me." His fingers slid over Aaron's skin eagerly.
Aaron leaned back a little, brushing his fingers over Dave's hip, then his jaw, then over the back of Dave's knee, watching Dave react. It was exciting to see the anticipation on Dave's face, waiting for Aaron's hand to move someplace new. He leaned down and kissed Dave, Dave reacting a half second too late to kiss him back, then curled his fingers around Dave's cock.
Dave sucked in a breath, shuddering faintly. His expression was a mixture of pleasure and desire as he attempted to stay still under Aaron's hand. "God, Aaron," he managed.
"Sexy," Aaron whispered. He stroked a few times, then slid his hand down to massage Dave's balls. He rolled them gently against his palm, then shifted so he could take Dave into his mouth, letting out a pleased groan as he did.
Dave groaned too, his fingers finding Aaron's hair and running through it. "Good," he gasped, caressing Aaron's hair and skin. "Love how much you always want me."
Aaron hummed an agreement, and Dave hissed quietly as the vibrations moved over his cock. After sucking for a moment, he pulled back. "I don't mind doing just this, Dave, if you're not up to--"
"Aaron, dammit," Dave gasped. "Want you inside me. Haven't had that in too long. I miss that. I miss being able to really make love with you. Please."
Aaron nodded, then remembered Dave couldn't see it. "Okay," he whispered, his breath ghosting over Dave's cock. He opened the lube and slicked his fingers, then sucked Dave back into his mouth as his finger worked slowly inside of Dave. God. Aaron had wanted Dave inside him when Dave had been well--almost reassuring himself Dave was well--and it really had been a long time since Aaron had done this. The tight heat around his finger made Aaron's cock ache for friction.
Dave groaned and shifted into the press of Aaron's finger. "God," he gasped, his fingers tightening in Aaron's hair. "Been too long. So good." His free hand roamed over Aaron's shoulders and back, scratching lightly and then soothing the sting with the pads of his fingers. "More, Aaron."
Aaron moaned around Dave and watched Dave's reaction, then slid another finger gently inside. He pulled back and murmured, "Tell me if you need me to slow down or--"
"Have I ever been shy about anything?" Dave demanded. "Aaron, I need you. I want you. And I need you to make me forget that I'm sick right now." He tugged gently at Aaron's hair. "So take me. Please."
Those words sent a pang of regret through Aaron. He'd done his best to not make Dave feel inadequate because his mind and body had changed, but now he was afraid to make love to Dave. He shook his head, trying to dismiss it. Dave wanted this. Quite a lot, apparently.
"I love you," Aaron whispered, sliding another finger in and rubbing gently at Dave's prostate.
Dave groaned, the determination in his expression slipping away and leaving only desire in its place. "Yes," he whispered. "Love you." His muscles worked around Aaron's finger, giving him a hint of what was to come. "Keep touching me."
Aaron's fingers pressed a little more firmly, then he leaned down and licked up Dave's shaft. Dave gasped, and Aaron swept up his body to kiss him before Dave realized he was doing it. Dave kissed him back a half-second too late, then just threaded his fingers into Aaron's hair.
"Tease," Dave declared, sounding utterly pleased. "So sexy." He was breathless and beginning to press into Aaron's touch, silently encouraging him to move more boldly. "Love your cock," he panted. "Love the feel of you moving over me. Need you."
Aaron groaned, arousal shooting straight through him. God, his body wanted this desperately. He slid his fingers out and slicked his cock, then leaned down and kissed Dave. His mouth was slow and wanting, but his cock just nudged Dave's entrance, giving Dave a chance to change his mind... or tell him how much he still wanted it.
"Yes," Dave panted when the kiss broke. His face was alight with pleasure and want. God, he was beautiful. "Inside," he ordered, and pulled Aaron down for another kiss. His other hand was on Aaron's ass, encouraging him.
Aaron did as he was told, and slid inside, the warm heat enveloping him and taking his breath away. He groaned happily into the kiss, then deepened it once his hips were settled against Dave's, wanting to take this as slow as possible. If this was it, he really wanted to make love to Dave rather than fuck him.
Dave's arms wrapped around him, holding him close. He made no move to hurry Aaron once they were joined. Instead he seemed to focus all of his energy and emotion into their kiss. His strength had been failing, but Aaron could feel a hint of the old strength in Dave's embrace. "Love you," Dave breathed between kisses. "So good."
"I love you too," Aaron whispered. He trailed kisses over Dave's jaw, his fingertips trailing over Dave's neck. I'll never have enough of this. Ever, he thought, savoring Dave's taste for a moment before pivoting his hips a little.
Dave groaned softly and clung to him, panting. "Want to touch you," he whispered, and one hand stroked across Aaron's back and up his shoulder to brush at his jaw.
"Mmm, you are," Aaron whispered. He kissed down Dave's throat, scraping his teeth over Dave's skin lightly. "Sexiest man ever," he added with a faint smile.
Dave let out a quiet laugh and arched his neck a little. "Your face," he said. "I want to touch your face."
Aaron hummed and moved back just a little so Dave could run his fingers over his face, closing his eyes. When Dave got to his lips, he couldn't help smiling, then kissed Dave's fingertips.
"You're so gorgeous," Dave breathed. "I love your smile. v'I ever told you that?" He stroked his thumb against Aaron's lips.
"Yeah," Aaron whispered. "But it's nice to hear." He kissed Dave slowly and thrust, a lazy out and in, letting out a little noise of pleasure as he did.
Dave made a noise that matched his, the arm around Aaron tightening. "God, Aaron," he breathed. "I love your smile." He smiled loosely. "I'll keep telling you that."
"I love your mouth," Aaron said, kissing Dave to demonstrate as he gave Dave another little thrust. This pace was equally amazing and threatening to kill him.
"Nnnh." Dave pulled him back for another kiss. "Feels good." He broke off with a wordless groan at Aaron's next thrust.
Aaron ran a hand up Dave's side, running the pad of his thumb lightly over Dave's nipples, enjoying the way Dave reacted. He sort of wished he wasn't so aware of what this was, finding himself trying to memorize the way Dave looked like this.
Dave's expression was so open and happy, it was incredible. He was repeating Aaron's name as they moved together, his touches hungry and loving against Aaron's skin.
"You're wonderful," Aaron whispered. The slow build of pleasure was nice, making him feel almost hypersensitive from the need building in him. He slid his hand down to curl around Dave's cock and stroked slowly in time with his movements, and Dave slid a leg up over his.
"Oh, God, Aaron," Dave breathed, clinging to him. "You feel so good. Always so patient and giving. So sexy. Mmm."
Aaron made a pleased noise, then thrust a little harder a few times, giving his body what it was begging for. Dave gasped and moaned, and Aaron kissed his neck as he listened for any sign of discomfort. He held Dave, then made himself slow again, panting against his neck.
Dave was holding on to Aaron so hard his nails were biting into Aaron's skin. He seemed to strain against Aaron for a long moment, then he groaned and slumped back down against the bed. "Why'd you...slow down?" he panted, hitching his leg higher on Aaron's hips. "Felt fantastic." He lifted his face for a kiss.
Aaron kissed him slowly, squeezing Dave's cock gently. "Want this to last. If you have the energy."
"Oh, God, yes," Dave said, running a hand up into Aaron's hair. "I'll try to hold out." He grinned at Aaron, humor and desire shining in his eyes.
"Good," Aaron whispered. He slid his hand down to Dave's ass, and thrust a little faster, then slowed down again, moaning at the way his body begged him to speed up again. "Oh, Dave."
Dave began moving with him, and for a time they paced themselves by what Dave could manage; when he began tiring, he would slow Aaron down, pulling him into soft, languid kisses and heated touches. When he'd caught his breath, he nipped at Aaron's mouth and urged him into more demanding thrusts.
"God," Aaron moaned, as the pleasure started to overwhelm him. "Dave."
Dave seemed to understand, and he slid his leg higher to lift his hips a little. Aaron started thrusting with need then, his fingers still working over Dave's prick, though not enough to bring him off. He intended to suck Dave when he was finished. "Love you," he whispered.
"Mmnh, yes," Dave gasped, running his fingers through Aaron's hair. His other hand slid down to grip Aaron's hip, urging him deeper. "Love you. Wish could...see you..." He cupped Aaron's cheek, kissing him hungrily.
"Can't still picture me?" Aaron teased breathlessly. He paused for a moment, but his body wouldn't let him stay slowed down for long anymore, and he went back to pushing deeply and quickly into Dave again. "Not much to see. Just me looking at the sexiest man I know."
Dave snorted. "Can," he panted, pinching Aaron's ass lightly. "Remember exactly...you look like when... telling bad jokes." He grinned and worked his muscles around Aaron. His eyes fell shut as Aaron's thrusts drove whimpers from him.
He laughed breathlessly anyway. "Cheesy maybe. Not a joke, though."
Dave laughed too and pulled him down for another kiss. "Harder," he demanded, and pulled Aaron deeper.
"Yes," Aaron breathed, and followed Dave's orders. "So good." He was panting against Dave's neck again, his hips working hard against Dave's, trying to focus on moving his hand slower. After a few moment, that became too hard, and he dropped his hand from Dave and gripped his hip, losing himself in the sensations moving through him.
Dave was gasping encouragement, one hand still cupped against Aaron's cheek. As Aaron approached climax, Dave kept demanding more, giving every indication that he was enjoying himself as much as Aaron was.
Aaron moaned Dave's name as he came, rocking his hips slowly against Dave as he milked his climax. His lips were licking and kissing along Dave's neck. "Mmm." It's over, he thought suddenly, with a little unpleasant thrill. God, this was it. He slid his hands under Dave's shoulders and held him tightly.
"Yes," Dave whispered, wrapping both arms tightly around Aaron. "Yes." He kissed Aaron passionately, obviously happy to have brought Aaron so much pleasure. "I love you, Aaron."
"I love you," Aaron returned, his voice thick with so many unsaid things.
Dave was smiling, though, and even though it reminded Aaron of how rare those smiles were these days, it was good to see. God, it was all too much.
"Kiss me," Dave whispered, as if he could feel Aaron thinking.
Aaron did as he was told, and leaned down to kiss Dave. Dave slid a hand into Aaron's hair and held him in a slow, loving kiss that made it even harder to catch his breath.
"You're so good to me," Dave murmured, brushing his nose along Aaron's cheek.
"I try to be," Aaron whispered. He kissed Dave again. "I'm lucky to have you too."
"Damn right you are," Dave whispered back. He was smiling and stroking his fingers against Aaron's cheek.
Aaron laughed quietly. "I suppose I should say thank you?" he asked, pulling out of Dave and starting to trail kisses down his neck and chest.
"Of course," Dave murmured, shivering and running his fingers into Aaron's hair.
When Aaron reached Dave's cock, he licked a strip up the underside, then slipped his lips over Dave all at once. "Mmm," he hummed, and watched as Dave arched. Dave tasted good. He always had. Aaron wasn't sure if this was his last time for this, too, so he closed his eyes and focused on the taste of Dave, and the feel of his thick cock sliding between his lips.
"God!" Dave gasped, his fingers tightening in Aaron's hair. "So good." He went still, his breathing harsh. He was obviously trying to control himself, but Aaron sucked harder and was rewarded with the feel of Dave's hips bucking. Dave whimpered. "Yes, Aaron."
Aaron hummed his agreement, and Dave thrust lightly again. God, you're sexy, he thought. Perfect. Mine. He gave Dave just a bare hint of teeth, then massaged Dave's balls lightly in his hand.
"Fuck, yes," Dave growled, tugging gently at Aaron's hair. "Know just how I like it." He was obviously thrilled with the teeth, so Aaron did it again, getting more of the same reaction. Dave arched under him, his encouragement growing bolder, more demanding. Aaron just groaned and took him deeper, nudging Dave's hip to indicate that Dave could thrust if he wanted to.
It brought a pleased noise from Dave, who began moving, thrusting erratically up into Aaron's mouth. It was easy to tell he was tiring, but at the same time, he was clearly very turned on. He was panting and whimpering as he moved, and the noises grew more desperate as Dave's movements increased in pace. All too soon, he was moaning Aaron's name as he came in a hot flood.
Aaron moaned and swallowed Dave's release, his thumb stroking over Dave's hip. When he pulled back, he kissed Dave's thigh, then slid up to kiss Dave slowly.
Dave wrapped an arm around him, pulling Aaron down and returning the kiss. His breathing was a little shorter than Aaron liked, so Aaron pulled back after a moment and kissed over Dave's jaw as he settled at Dave's side. "Love you," he whispered, closing his eyes and trying to memorize the way Dave tasted.
Dave made a wordless noise of happiness and wrapped his arms around Aaron. After a while he shifted to get more comfortable. "Love you so much," he whispered.
That's it, Aaron couldn't help thinking, and pressed his face against Dave's neck, holding him closer. "I love you," he repeated, because anything else he might be able to say right now would just ruin it.
They stayed snuggled together for a long time afterwards. Aaron could tell Dave was tired, and he would have felt guiltier about wearing him out, if Dave hadn't seemed so happy. He was going blind and forgetting words and in constant pain, but being with Aaron could still make Dave smile like that. It seemed incredible how strong his lover was. Aaron cradled Dave against him.
Finally Dave drew in a long breath, then coughed and shifted. He kissed Aaron's chest. "We ought to get up," he murmured. "Sean'll be wondering where we are."
"Don't care," Aaron mumbled, smiling faintly.
Dave chuckled. "He'll be jealous that you're gettin' some."
"Don't care," Aaron repeated, then sighed. They really should get up. "I'm more concerned with being naked when hospice care gets here."
"Good point." Dave snorted. "They'd probably be happy to enjoy the view for me." He slid a hand down to grope Aaron's ass.
"Don't want anyone looking. I'd rather just let you feel," Aaron said, and kissed Dave soundly.
"Too bad. You're definitely worth looking at." Dave smiled and pushed gently at his chest. "Go get up and get dressed. 'M gonna lie here a minute more."
Aaron nodded and kissed Dave again before getting up. He brushed his fingers over Dave's head. There's a tumor in there that's killing him, he thought, and then shook himself. This day was going all right, as good as these days could be, and who knew what would happen when Jack came. "Call me if you need me," he said, pulling on just his boxers and robe. "Do you want coffee?"
"Mmm, coffee," Dave said, smiling. "It's been so good going back to all my...my... Huh. Things."
"Yeah," Aaron said. He wished that letting Dave pick up his bad habits again actually did more to help the pain. "I'll be back."
"Okay." Dave didn't move, but he still looked pretty smug, so Aaron wasn't worried. He went out to get some coffee started and found that Sean had already done it. His brother wasn't usually up early, but Aaron could see him out on the deck, hunched over a cup of coffee. Aaron pulled out two cups, filled them, and carried them back to the bedroom.
He found his lover standing in his boxers and an undershirt, fumbling through the closet. "Which one of these shirts is blue?" Dave asked. "I need a blue shirt today."
Aaron frowned. "Thought you said you could see colors. I hope to God sex didn't take that much out of you," he said, handing Dave his favorite of Dave's shirts, and kissing Dave's shoulder.
Dave laughed and touched Aaron's hair. "If it's really dark blue, it looks like black. That happened even when I had two eyes and a brain that worked." He shrugged into the shirt, but didn't button it yet.
Aaron ran a hand down Dave's chest and kissed his throat. "Love you. Sexy."
"Mmm, you just can't get enough of me, can you?" Dave teased. He was smiling. "Jeans. I don't think I'm going to bother with shoes though."
Aaron continued to mouth at Dave's skin, wrapping his arms around Dave, and suddenly wondered how strange it must be to make love to someone you can't see. "I don't think you should bother with the jeans."
Dave chuckled. "That might make you happy, but I'm not sure about the hospice lady." He melted into Aaron's embrace, though.
Aaron pulled back enough to kiss Dave slowly, then sighed. "I'll call Haley while they're here," he said, then looked around for a pair of jeans that didn't fall off Dave these days. He'd bought Dave a few new pairs the month before, and they were a little loose now too.
Dave nodded absently. "Good. Tell her I say hi." He smiled faintly. "Tell Jack to bring his guitar. He can play for me."
Aaron snorted. "They're probably already on their way. We can make Sean go get his."
"Hell, Jack could probably use a new one, if he's been practicing a lot. You can always get Sean to go out and buy him one." Dave grinned. "Go talk to Haley. I'll see you at the breakfast table."
Aaron nodded and kissed Dave again, then went back into the kitchen, grabbing his phone and coffee on the way. He was planning to make some scrambled eggs and toast, but Sean had already come inside and seemed to be getting things out for breakfast, enough of it for all three of them.
"Morning," Aaron murmured, settling down at the table.
"Hi," Sean said, giving him a hesitant smile. Things between them were still stiff, but Sean obviously felt most comfortable in the kitchen. Aaron supposed it was the one room where he could control things.
"What are you making?" Aaron asked. He'd been forcing himself to try for Dave, but it was still difficult.
"Italian omelets sound okay? I've been trying to make things I know Dave likes." Sean cracked an egg without waiting for Aaron to answer.
"Yeah, thanks," Aaron said. He sighed and flipped his phone open, scrolling for Haley's number.
She answered on the first ring. "Aaron? Is everything okay?" He could hear road noise in the background.
"Yeah," he said calmly. "I just think you should warn Jack about a couple of things before he gets here." And maybe he was warning her too.
"What's going on?" she asked. His calmness obviously reassured her, though, because she sounded less worried.
"Well, since Jack saw Dave last, he's lost a considerable amount of weight," he said, then took a long sip of his coffee. "Then there's the issue of his vision. He, ah... he can't really see anymore. Just color and movement, really."
"Oh, God, Aaron," she whispered. "How are you doing? Is he in much pain?"
"He is. He told me this morning he felt like it was hard to breathe." Aaron saw Sean pause in what he was doing, seeming to freeze for a moment at those words, then he apparently forced himself to keep cooking.
"Ohh," she breathed. "We're on our way, Aaron. We should be there by this evening." She paused. "Jack has headphones on, but do you want to talk to him?"
Aaron sighed. "Could you? Do you mind?"
"I don't mind," Haley said. "I'll tell him when we stop for lunch. How is Dave doing emotionally?"
Aaron was relived Haley didn't mind. He was tired of always being the bearer of bad news lately, and today he seemed to be stable enough to ask for help, which was rare these days. "That part is mostly okay, I think," Aaron said. "He's doing better than I am most days."
"Well..." Haley sighed. "I hate seeing you go through this. Do you have help? Is there anything you need me to bring to the house?"
"Sean's here," Aaron said, glancing at his brother. "The team has been coming by, a couple at a time. Just you and Jack is fine. Did Jack happen to bring his guitar?"
She laughed faintly. "Actually he did. He said he wanted to play for Dave. Is that okay?"
Aaron smiled, chuckling softly. "That's great. Dave was wanting to hear him play, actually. He was saying we should just buy him a new one if he didn't have it," he said.
"Must be nice to be made of money," Haley said, but she sounded like she was teasing. "Jack'll be more than happy to show off, I'm sure. He's been practicing a lot, actually. Right now he's torn between being a pro basketball player, a rock star, or an FBI agent."
Aaron's smile didn't fade. "Well, they're all fine choices," he said, and looked up as Dave shuffled into the room.
"Personally I'd prefer rock star," Haley said. "Basketball players get injured. But then sometimes I wish I could wrap him up in bubble wrap and never let him out."
"Mooooom," Jack said in the background. He must have taken his headphones off.
Dave sat at the table and leaned his chin in his hand, staring blankly toward the sliding glass door. He and Sean exchanged murmured greetings.
"Basketball players get injured, but rock stars have too many girls after them," he said, grinning now. Dave seemed to perk up a little at the sound of Aaron's voice, and Aaron reached over and took his hand.
Haley laughed. "This is the weirdest conversation. I'll see you this evening, okay? And don't worry about stuff. I'll take care of it."
"See you," Aaron said, and hung up, then squeezed Dave's hand. "They'll be here sometime tonight."
"Good. It'll be good to see Jack." Dave paused and made a wry face. "In a manner of speaking." Sean refilled his coffee cup and Dave sipped it gingerly.
"He brought his guitar," Aaron said, then glanced at Sean. "It's a shame you didn't. I'm sure he'd like to play with you."
"I didn't think to," Sean said, looking surprised.
Dave squeezed Aaron's hand. "Maybe they can go out and get Jack a new guitar anyway," he said.
Aaron chuckled. "And that'll teach Jack that money grows on trees."
"Well, you can tell him it's part of his inheritance," Dave said. He was smiling, but it looked sad.
"He can't inherit something you haven't owned," Aaron pointed out.
"It'll be my money buying it..." Dave trailed off and sighed. "I'm too tired to do this." He rubbed his forehead.
"I could always go get my guitar," Sean said. "It wouldn't take that long."
"If you want." Aaron watched Dave for a moment, then sighed and rubbed his shoulder. "Sean is making Italian omelets."
"Sounds good," Dave said. He turned and smiled faintly at Aaron. "Bacon too?"
"You bet," Sean said. "A breakfast guaranteed to clog your arteries."
Dave made an amused noise.
"Good. So when I go back to work, I won't even be able to run up a flight of stairs without wheezing," Aaron said. He should really be doing something to keep himself in shape, he thought.
"You ought to be working out somehow," Dave said, grinning. "It'd be terrible if they didn't let you back because you couldn't pass the physical."
"Maybe I should start jogging in the morning again," Aaron said, but couldn't help but wonder what would happen if Dave took a turn for the worse while he was out. As it was, he hated just being in a different room than Dave some days.
"You should," Dave said. He brushed his fingers over Aaron's skin. "I'm sure Sean can entertain me for the length of time it takes you to do a few miles."
Aaron hummed a noise that didn't sound quite as sure anymore. He glanced at Sean, suddenly wanting to drop the subject. "You need help?"
"Nah, I've got it," Sean said. "In fact, it's about ready. I guess you could grab some plates and forks if you want."
Aaron set the table as Sean brought the food over. Dave let Aaron fill his plate, but he insisted on feeding himself with painstaking care. Aaron watched Dave and occasionally caught Sean watching him too. When their gazes met, he saw that his brother was fighting back tears. Sean had run away, and Aaron was still upset about it...but he was here now. He wasn't running this time. Aaron wasn't sure it made much difference.
When Dave fell asleep in his recliner shortly after breakfast, Aaron busied himself with cleaning. He hadn't made much time to do that lately, and even though he had help, he wanted to have things a little tidier before Haley and Jack got here. Dave got up for a late lunch, then went to lie down for a nap. Aaron found himself feeling adrift and desperate for something to distract him. Finally he decided he might as well go for a jog, so he told Sean to check on Dave every once in a while, then headed out on the route he hadn't done for months now.
When he got back, feeling exhausted and sore and out of shape, Sean had messages from Father Jimmy, who sent his prayers, and the hospice nurse, who was running very late.
Aaron nodded, still out of breath, then took a glass of water out back and collapsed on the steps of the deck, not wanting to sweat all over the furniture inside. After a moment, he lay back and looked at the sky.
It was a nice day--cool and breezy. The clouds were drifting across his field of vision and it struck him suddenly that this world was just going to keep going after Dave was gone. It wasn't profound, but it felt strange to think of, just as it had felt strange all day to feel mostly okay, even though there was still this profound sadness just sitting inside him, like a loaded gun just waiting for someone to pull the trigger.
After a long while spent staring up at the sky, he heard what he thought was a car pulling into the driveway. At about the same time, he heard a crash from inside the house, and Dave's voice swearing. He was on his feet in an instant, and as he reached the door he heard Dave swear again.
As Aaron got into the kitchen from one side, Sean came in from the other. Dave was standing by the table, his gaze turned down to the ground. His expression was hard to read--angry, or maybe frustrated.
"Are you all right?" Sean and Aaron asked the question on top of each other. Just after that, the doorbell rang. Sean looked at Aaron, then headed to answer the door.
"I broke a glass," Dave said. "I thought I could manage a drink for myself."
Aaron sighed, then crossed the room to kiss Dave's cheek, side-stepping around the glass. "I'll get it," he murmured. "Are you okay?" He lifted Dave's hands to check for cuts, wondering if Dave had tried to clean it up at all.
"I'm fine," Dave muttered. "I couldn't see where it landed and didn't want to find it the hard way. So I just stood here like a fucking lump."
"It's fine," Aaron said, touching Dave's cheek. "Hospice care is here, I think." The voices down the hall didn't sound like Haley and Jack. Aaron went to go get paper towels and came back to clean up the mess.
Dave nodded and sighed. "You don't mind cleaning it up?" he asked. "I'll go see the nurse."
"Sure." Aaron listened vaguely to the muffled conversation in the living room as he cleaned up. He pulled out the broom and dustpan, then decided to go over it with a damp sponge to pick up any tiny glass shards that might have been missed. When he finally got out to the living room, the nurse was almost ready to leave.
"I'll let Amy, our team leader, know to expect a call from you at some point," she said. She smiled when Aaron came out into the living room. "Hi, Mr. Hotchner. Dave's going to be increasing his morphine some, okay? I've given him and your chef, here, some dietary guidelines." Her smile was sympathetic. "Mostly the thing is, make things Dave wants to eat. His appetite is probably going to be decreasing over the next few weeks. That's natural. Just...whatever you feel like," she repeated, resting a hand against Dave's shoulder.
Aaron tried to smile back at her, but he understood too well what Dave's decreasing appetite meant. He nodded, and she smiled at him again before leaving. Aaron looked back at Dave, who was just staring ahead of himself. "Why are you calling the team leader?"
Dave sighed. "This is too much work," he said, turning toward the sound of Aaron's voice. "I told her I wanted to talk to the team leader about options for hospice care facilities." He reached out and fumbled for Aaron's hand, then tugged him gently over to the couch. "Next time it might be something more serious than a glass."
Aaron wasn't sure when his mouth had fallen open, but he realized he was just staring at Dave, the decent mood he'd been in doing a nose dive. He glanced over at Sean, who seemed to understand, and left the room, then look back at Dave. "We've been doing fine," he said finally.
"I know." Dave rubbed Aaron's hands gently. "It was a...a..." He frowned, then said, "I didn't mean to ask her. Just did. I haven't made any decisions. It's just that I wanted to die at home, so I didn't even talk about going to a place. So I thought we should find out about it." He leaned in, stroking his fingers tenderly up Aaron's forearm. "You're wearing yourself out. Maybe it would be better if you could just...just be with me, instead of taking care of me."
"I want to take care of you," Aaron said immediately, then sucked in a shaky breath. "I can, Dave. I'm fine."
Dave was quiet for a minute, then said, "I just want information, Aaron. No decisions. Just something so we know." He leaned in against Aaron. "I wouldn't go until it got really bad, anyway. I like being with you." He closed his eyes.
Aaron drew a deep breath and tried not to get defensive. He didn't like the idea of Dave dying in a hospital, and he hated the idea that maybe Dave thought he couldn't handle taking care of him. Aaron wrapped his arms around Dave and pulled him closer. "I love you."
"I love you too," Dave said. "I just don't like being a burden to you." He nuzzled Aaron's throat. "Doesn't matter. We'll decide later."
"You'll never be a burden," Aaron said, kissing Dave's forehead.
"I hope not." Dave sighed, and Aaron felt him relax against him.
"Never," Aaron repeated. He squeezed Dave gently, then sighed. "I need to shower."
"Yeah, well, I wasn't gonna say anything," Dave teased. He pulled away, smirking faintly.
Aaron snorted. "You know, if I wanted to smack you, you'd never see it coming."
Dave laughed. "But I know you well enough to know you'd never do that."
"Sometimes that's a curse," Aaron said, and leaned in to kiss Dave before getting up. "Need anything before I go wash up?"
"Nah, I'm just going to sit here. I guess you could get me the remote. I can still channel surf."
Aaron grabbed the remote, then held it out, touching it to the back of Dave's hand so he could take it without fumbling. "I'll be back."
Dave lifted his head for another kiss, then Aaron got in the shower. When he turned off the water and stepped out, he heard shouting, but it sounded excited more than anything. Jack, he decided. He dried off and got dressed before going out to the living room, where he found Jack telling a story loudly. He interrupted himself when he saw Aaron, though, and threw himself at Aaron.
"Dad!" he cried, and hugged him tightly around the waist.
"Hey, Jacks," Aaron said, and kissed the top of Jack's head. "Are you telling all the good stories without me?"
"I was just telling Dave about the huge storm we had last night," Jack said. "There was lightning all over! And thunder! Andrew made us sit in the basement for like two hours."
Haley laughed. "It was twenty minutes," she said.
He looked up and smiled at her. "I like his version better."
"It was cool," Jack said. "Andrew put my sleeping bag on the couch in the basement and said I could sleep there all night."
"Andrew's pretty all right, isn't he, kiddo?" Dave said. He was smiling, though he looked tired.
Jack nodded. His expression changed slightly when he glanced at Dave, then he said, "Yeah," more loudly than he would usually talk.
Dave snorted. "I can't see, but I can hear you fine," he said, with the air of someone who was repeating something.
Aaron's lips quirked, and he guided Jack to go sit on the couch next to Dave, then went to take the chair nearest Haley. Jack looked uncertain for a moment, then sat next to Dave, too carefully.
"How was your trip?" Aaron asked.
"Uneventful," Haley said. "In fact I was bored, since somebody insisted on wearing his headphones most of the trip." She gave Jack a pointed look.
Jack just shrugged, obviously unconcerned.
"I hope you were listening to the good stuff," Dave said. "Santana, Led Zeppelin, Allman Brothers Band..."
Jack made a face.
Aaron grinned. "I told you you weren't cool."
Dave heaved an exaggerated sigh. "I guess you were right," he said.
Jack looked uncertainly at Dave, then said, "Dad, can we play basketball?"
Aaron's eyebrows lifted, but then he nodded. Normally he would have asked if anyone wanted to come watch (figuratively, in Dave's case) Jack beat him, but the request was so sudden, Aaron had a feeling it was an excuse to get him alone. "I don't see why not," he said, and stood, ruffling Jack's hair when he got to him. "Dave, you can put Haley to work if you need to, right?"
"Yeah, we'll be fine," Dave said. "Go on and have fun. Try not to lose by too much."
"I might be too nice to smack you, but she isn't," Aaron threatened, and Haley laughed as Jack led them both outside. Aaron grabbed a basketball out of the garage along the way and tossed it to Jack once they were outside. "I went for a run this morning, so if you beat me, it's just because I'm already tired," he said, deciding to let Jack talk about what was bothering him first.
"Yeah, right," Jack said, dribbling the ball. He shot a free throw and missed, then shot another and made it. He was concentrating on bouncing the ball when he blurted out, "Is Dave going to die now?"
The suddenness of that question knocked a little of the wind out of Aaron. "Not right this second. Probably not today," he said.
Jack kept dribbling the ball, not looking at him. "He can't even see me."
"I know," Aaron said. "But he's known you all your life; he knows what you look like."
"When we first got here..." Jack took a shot and missed. The ball rebounded toward Aaron, who caught it. "He asked Mom how 'that guy' was. He couldn't remember Andrew's name." He darted a glance at Aaron, then looked down, kicking his heel against the toe of his other shoe. "What if he forgets about me?"
"Well," Aaron said, then sighed, unsure if he knew the best way to answer a question that had been bothering him too. He licked his lips and took a shot. "I don't know," he said. "I don't really know what's going to happen. But... even if he forgets us, it doesn't mean that he loved us any less this whole time." He bit his lips together and tried another shot. "I really hope that doesn't happen, though."
Jack shot again. His lips were pursed as he thought. "Mom seemed pretty sad when she was talking about Dave at lunch. She likes him, right? Even though she used to love you and now Dave loves you?"
"Yeah," Aaron said. "And I like Andrew. Why?"
Jack shrugged. "What happens when Dave dies?"
"You mean to him?" Aaron asked.
Jack shrugged again. "We won't ever see him again."
Aaron opened his mouth, but no sound came out. After a moment, he sighed, and went to sit on the edge of the porch, not really feeling like playing anymore. "No. We won't. Not really, anyway."
Jack watched him unhappily, then followed him over and sat next to him, leaning his head on Aaron's shoulder. "What do we do then?" His voice was thick suddenly.
Aaron closed his eyes against the sudden stinging, and slid his arm around Jack. "We have to keep living even though we're really, really sad. And maybe on his birthday you can come out and we can go visit his... him."
"How do we visit someone who's dead?" Jack whispered. "Why does he have to die anyway? It's not fair." He sounded dangerously close to tears.
"It's not, but he just does. I don't know why this is happening, but... it is." Aaron sighed and tightened his arm on Jack. "We'll have a funeral for Dave, and everyone who loves him can see him one last time, and then he'll go to a cemetery," Aaron said. His words were starting to choke him. "And he'll be buried in the ground. We can go visit his grave."
"And he'll be with Uncle Steve?" Jack asked. "He said he would still watch me if he could. Is that true?"
"He'll watch all of us, if he can," Aaron said. "He loves us, and he'll miss us too. A lot."
Jack leaned down and buried his face against Aaron's leg. "I don't want Dave to die."
Aaron drew a shaky breath. God, if Jack started crying, he wasn't sure he could keep his composure. He felt too tired again. "I don't want him to either," he murmured.
Jack took a few deep breaths, then sat up, wiping his eyes. "Rashid says he misses his uncle. He used to take Rashid swimming all the time. And buy him ice cream." He looked down at his tennis shoes. "I'm going to miss Dave a lot."
Aaron petted Jack's hair. "We all are. You're going to have to come see me more. I'm going to be here by myself," he said, his eyes going a little glassy. "Okay?"
"Okay," Jack whispered. "I don't want you to be lonely."
"Thank you," Aaron said, giving Jack a sad smile and kissing the top of his head.
Jack hugged Aaron tightly, then said, "Can we go in and sit with Dave now?"
"Yeah," Aaron said. He got up and helped Jack up from the steps. "We got you something in Ireland. Do you want it now?" he asked, knowing full well what the answer would be.
"Yes!" Jack shouted, smiling again. When they got inside, Jack was chattering excitedly about it. Aaron saw Dave startle awake, then say something to Haley, who laughed. Jack ran into the living room, Aaron following at a more sedate pace.
"Mom! Dad and Dave got me something in Ireland!" he announced, and Dave laughed and said they'd gotten something for Haley as well. The next hour was spent sharing their souvenirs and talking about the trip. They pulled out their pictures, and Haley said she would put together a scrapbook for them while she was visiting.
Eventually Dave fell asleep again. Jack was watching Dave sleep, and Aaron found himself doing the same. Eventually Sean got back from wherever he'd been, and he and Jack tried to make music together with Jack's guitar and the bodhran they'd brought him from Ireland. After supper Dave said he was going to have an early night and suggested maybe Jack would 'tuck him in'. Jack laughed but followed Dave back to the bedroom.
Jack disappeared into the backyard to really play basketball after that, and Haley, Sean and Aaron talked for a while in the living room over decaf coffee. Haley quickly learned to keep the conversation going when Aaron and Sean lapsed into awkward silence with one another. Aaron was feeling much more subdued and down by the end of the night, probably a combination of his conversation with Jack, Dave's suggestion of a hospice facility, and the aching of his body from his run. He stayed in the conversation even though his mind was elsewhere, but eventually excused himself to bed, blaming his earlier exercise.
Dave was predictably fast asleep when he got to bed, and Aaron curled up behind him. Dave didn't wake up, and for a half second Aaron was seized with that horrible fear Dave had died, before he remembered that Dave slept much heavier these days. Sleep came hard, and Aaron just listened to Dave breathe for a while before exhaustion finally overtook him, dragging him into unpleasant dreams.
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Date: 2009-09-28 08:51 am (UTC)(which really just means "tearjerker" and "good job")
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Date: 2009-09-29 12:36 am (UTC)no subject
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