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geekystudmuffinTitle: The Last Best Days
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innerslytherin and severity_softly
Artist:tli
Pairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 147,800
Summary: Futurefic--Shortly before Dave turns sixty, he is diagnosed with a grade III brain tumor. He and Aaron have to come to terms with what this means for their relationship. Eventually the team has to help Aaron say goodbye.
Notes: Heavy angst. Lots of medical detail. Character death. This fic would not exist without the extensive help, support, encouragement, and hand-holding fromresolucidity, who served as our medical consultant throughout.
Master post
Chapter Sixteen
They flew back to New York the next day. Since Georgie and Felicia had their flight information, Aaron wasn't really surprised to see them waiting when they got through the gate. He was surprised, though, when Felicia came to him instead of Dave and hugged him tightly.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "Welcome back."
Aaron tensed at first, then had to force himself to relax enough to hug her back. He was surprised that he was still angry, but he'd been feeling that way a lot more lately. He was angry at the situation, and that was making it harder and harder to let go of things. "Hi," he said after a moment, and let her go. "You guys didn't have to meet us here."
"We wanted to," Felicia said. "We figured you guys would be tired after your flight."
"Have you eaten?" Georgie asked. "We could stop somewhere for supper if you need to."
"They served dinner on the flight, but I don't think either of us ate much of it," Aaron said, taking Dave's hand.
"Davey's always saying how good your brother's restaurant is," Georgie said. Dave started shaking his head, but Georgie obviously didn't notice, since he continued, "I suppose it's too upscale for us, but we could always swing by and see if he'd get us in, if you want. Or maybe you're gonna see him while you're in town this time?"
Aaron tensed again, then sort of froze, unsure what to say. After a moment, he just swallowed hard. "I'm sure he's busy. We'll just see if we can catch him if we can before we go." That was a lie, but he hoped it would keep Georgie from pushing more.
Georgie shrugged. "Yeah, I figured we're not dressed for the place anyway," he said, grinning at them. Aaron saw Felicia dart a confused look at Dave, but Dave just shook his head slightly and turned.
"Come on," he said. "We need to get our luggage. There's more of it coming home than there was going."
Aaron nodded and went with Dave to the baggage claim, but Georgie and Felicia took the bags and wouldn't let Dave or Aaron carry them. Aaron protested that he was perfectly fine, but his protests were largely ignored, and the car was loaded up in no time.
"Mary wants you to get your pictures printed before you leave Jersey," Georgie informed them. "She says you can take it to a department store and get them printed right off the little disc thingies that go in the camera." He grinned. "I think I know where I'm going to be taking her for our next anniversary. It's been Ireland this and Ireland that ever since you left."
Aaron tried to smile, but it didn't quite stick. Between the mention of Sean, what happened with Felicia before, and the fact that he and Dave were basically going to say goodbye to Dave's parents, then going home to wait for the inevitable, he didn't feel like he could do this. "We can do that before we go," he said. He didn't want to think about Georgie and Mary going to Ireland and being happy and getting to come home happy and spend God knows how many more good years together when he wasn't getting any of that.
"You guys are probably tired, aren't you?" Georgie said again. "Do you just want to pick up some fast food on the way back to the house? Don't feel like you have to be all social on our account."
"That sounds good, actually," Dave said. He was leaning against Aaron, his fingers wrapped around Aaron's hand. "I'm pretty tired, and just burgers or something would be best." He glanced up at Aaron to make sure that was okay, then rested his head on Aaron's shoulder again.
"Easier to eat," Aaron said. He wished he could force himself out of the way he was feeling. Dave seemed to be trying to comfort him, and that wasn't the way it was supposed to be. He was supposed to be strong for Dave.
"No problem," Georgie said. "We'll go through a drive-through and take it home to eat. Then you guys can get settled in for the night and we'll leave you alone." He glanced in the rear-view mirror and grinned at Aaron.
They did just as he said, and even though Aaron and Dave had to go through the whole hugging and greeting routine again when they got home to Mary, Georgie was as good as his word. As soon as they were done eating, Felicia hugged them both again and left, and Mary and Georgie retired to the den in the back of the house. Dave and Aaron were left in the guest bedroom to settle in.
"Sorry," Dave said quietly as he was changing into his pajamas. "I didn't tell them about Sean."
"I'm glad you didn't," Aaron said. His life was falling apart. No one needed to know more about that than they already did. It would have been embarrassing. The suggestion hadn't been comfortable, and obviously Felicia realized something was wrong, but they hadn't had to tell her.
"I didn't figure you'd want to talk about it," Dave said. "But, Aaron, it isn't a bad idea. We're in the city. We could give him a call."
"No," Aaron said before Dave could say anymore. "Please, just... no." He wanted to go to sleep and just not wake up, not have to feel any of this anymore.
Dave sighed but didn't say anything else. He just crossed the room and kissed Aaron, then wrapped his arms around him.
Aaron sucked in a deep breath and reluctantly held Dave back. He could feel himself trying to withdraw, and not only could he not do that to Dave, but he'd regret it later if he did. He sighed. "How do you feel?"
"Fine." Dave squeezed Aaron gently, then sighed again. "Okay, not fine. I'm not hurting, but...being back here, being 'home', sort of...It makes everything feel more real."
"Yeah, it does," Aaron said, then he laughed a miserable laugh. "Let's fly back," he said, meaning it as a joke, but his voice cracked.
Dave made a noise that was probably supposed to be amused. "Oh, Aaron," he murmured. He turned his head and kissed Aaron's neck.
Aaron took a deep breath and forced himself to relax. "Let's sleep," he said. "Maybe we'll wake up and this will have all been a horrible nightmare."
"God, I wish," Dave whispered. He took a deep breath that Aaron could feel against his chest, then lifted his head and kissed Aaron softly on the mouth. "Yes, let's sleep."
Aaron nodded without saying anything else. He was afraid to keep talking because he was barely holding it together anyway. He got ready for bed, then met Dave under the covers, where he snuggled up next to him. It wasn't cool, but he dragged all the blankets up over him, and somehow this felt much safer than anywhere else, just the two of them in the dark, wrapped up together.
"I love you," Dave said quietly. "Forever." He wrapped his arms around Aaron, who could tell Dave was feeling protective.
"I wish forever was a hell of a lot longer," Aaron said miserably, kissing Dave's skin.
"Yeah," Dave said. "Me too."
***
Visiting his parents and siblings had been harder than Dave had expected. He knew they had accepted his decision, but seeing them and watching them try to deal with the approach of his death was difficult. For that matter, it was still hard for him to believe, sometimes, that he was going to die soon. Intellectually he understood that things were getting worse. His spells of double vision were lasting longer and coming more frequently.
When they got back to Virginia, Aaron insisted Dave see the doctor, though Dave didn't really know what good it would do. He went along with it to make Aaron happy, because he was doing a lot of things these days to make Aaron happy. Pretty soon, he figured, Aaron would be as miserable as it was humanly possible to be. So whatever little things Dave could do to make these days better, he was willing to do.
Doctor Morgan ordered another MRI and informed Dave that the lesion affecting his vision was getting worse, and that his eyesight would certainly continue to worsen for the rest of his life. Dave checked in with the hospice team as well. They seemed surprised that he was using morphine more slowly than anticipated, but he'd only really started having a lot of pain in the last two weeks or so.
Still, he could tell time was running short. He felt bone-achingly tired, and it was a different sort of fatigue than what he'd experienced during chemo. At the same time, he felt more urgency than he had in Ireland. He kept fretting about whether or not he truly had all his arrangements made.
He went over things again with his lawyer, though it took a long time because he was having trouble concentrating. Decisions were becoming more difficult too. When he called Jimmy to come for a visit, he couldn't really remember why he'd decided to do so. They ended up drinking scotch together and Dave listened while Jimmy shared memories of their childhood together. At the end of the visit, Jimmy hugged Dave tightly.
"Keep an eye on Aaron after I'm gone, would you?" Dave asked, and Jimmy promised he would. When he left, Dave had a feeling it would be the last time they saw each other before he received last rites.
One evening, as Dave and Aaron sat on the back porch, Dave remembered something he'd been meaning to talk to Aaron about.
"I ought to make some kind of funeral arrangements," he said.
Aaron didn't look at him. He just stared straight across the yard and sucked in a long slow breath. "We can go do that tomorrow, if you want," he said, and Dave couldn't help but notice how utterly hollow his voice sounded.
"You don't have to go in, if you don't want." Dave spoke quietly. He knew Aaron wouldn't want to talk about this, but it had to be better for Dave to do it than to make Aaron do it later.
"I don't want you to have to do it alone, and I should know what you want," Aaron said. He was starting to look really tired, and Dave had to wonder how much he was actually sleeping.
"I could get someone else to go with me. And write it down for you." Dave sighed. "I just...I know this is hard, Aaron. But I don't want you to have to do it later."
"I know, Dave. Have I said I won't go?" Aaron said. He finally turned to look at Dave, frowning. "You're not going with someone else."
Dave tried to smile at him and lifted a hand to brush against Aaron's cheek. "I just hate that this is so hard on you," he murmured. "I love you so much. I just...want to make things easier."
"You can't. And acting like I can't handle helping you carry out your final wishes doesn't help," Aaron said, an edge in his voice, in spite of not having pulled away.
Dave stared at him, stung by the tone of his voice, but trying not to react. "All right. I'm sorry," he said, striving for a reasonable tone.
Aaron let out a heavy sigh and turned to look back out at the yard. "Fine."
Dave frowned. "There was something else I was gonna say." He couldn't for the life of him remember, though. Shit. It had been important.
Aaron sighed. "You don't remember, though?"
"I'll remember. It was important." Dave took Aaron's hand in his. "Ah. Sean. I want to see Sean before I die."
Dave saw Aaron's head turn quickly, and then Aaron was frowning again. "Dave--"
"He's my brother-in-law, and I love him. And maybe he's being stupid, but I want to see him." Dave was going to insist on this. Really it was more for Aaron, and to a certain extent Sean, than for himself. He didn't want his death to be some huge grudge between the two brothers, not when Aaron was going to need all the support he could get. And he didn't want to leave Sean feeling guilty just because he was too weak to watch a family member sicken and die.
Aaron sighed and clenched his jaw, then slumped back in his seat and looked away again. "Fine."
Dave snorted. "And there's no need to get pissy about it. I think I deserve some dying wishes."
"I said fine, Dave. What more do you want?" Aaron looked at him. "You're dying, and I'm tired, and I'm not in the mood to jump for joy because you want to see my brother, who should have been here supporting us, not bailing like a coward." He rubbed a hand over his face. "Our lives were falling apart--are falling apart--and where is he? Family doesn't abandon one another like that. But if you want to see him, call him. I'll live with it for you."
"Last time I checked, family also support each other, despite mistakes made along the way, because of love," Dave countered. "I want you to do more than 'live with it', Aaron. I want you to realize that Sean handles things differently from you, and sometimes he makes us unhappy, but it's okay to still love him."
Aaron shook his head. "I'm not talking about love. I'm talking about... why should I support someone who refuses to return the favor?" He rubbed his hand over his face. "Can we not do this, please? I said it was fine."
Dave sighed, feeling more annoyed by Aaron's unwilling acquiescence than he really ought to. "Fine. I guess it's just one more conversation we'll put off forever."
Aaron turned and glared at Dave, then seemed to decide it was pointless and turned away again. "Yeah, well, there are thousands of much nicer conversations we'll never have. Forgive me if I'd rather mourn those."
"Some day you'll miss fighting with me too," Dave predicted. It was sort of cruel of him, and he knew it, but he couldn't help being annoyed that Aaron was being so stubborn.
"You're right," Aaron said, frowning. "You want to have another one, then, for posterity's sake? Fine. You have no right to make me feel guilty right now, so back off," he warned.
Dave glared at him, but decided not to say anything else. He would regret the fight himself, if they had one.
Aaron watched him for a moment, then sighed heavily and stood. "I'm going to get a drink. Do you want anything?" he muttered, heading toward the back door.
"Scotch would be nice," Dave said. He shouldn't drink much of it, but hell, what was it going to do, kill him?
"Right. That's a good idea," Aaron muttered, and disappeared into the house.
Dave snorted. Maybe he was going to get his fight after all, based on the bitchy mood Aaron was in tonight. Dave could understand it, but it got tiresome. He sighed and looked up at the stars. God, they were magnificent. It was a nice evening. Maybe he should ask if Aaron wanted to go for a short walk. Aaron had been cooped up in the house with Dave an awful lot lately.
Smiling faintly, Dave leaned back in his chair. Aaron was a good man. Dave supposed anyone would have stood by him while he went through this, but Aaron had been so strong, so determined. God, Dave was lucky. When Aaron came back out on the deck, Dave glanced up, smiling at him. Aaron didn't look happy. Had they been fighting? Dave blinked at the glass Aaron held out to him, trying to remember.
"What were we talking about?"
Aaron stared at him for a minute, looking tired and at a loss for words. Then he just shook his head and sat down. "Nothing," he said, and took a long sip of scotch from a glass that was quite a bit fuller than Dave's.
"This is scotch," Dave said. "Were we fighting?" It seemed to make sense that they would be drinking scotch if they were angry. He took a sip anyway, holding it in his mouth for a long time to relish the taste before swallowing and feeling the burn.
"Sort of," Aaron said. He sighed and drained his glass, then held it against the arm of his chair. "I love you."
Dave smiled at him and reached out to stroke his fingers along Aaron's forearm. "I love you too, Aaron. Sorry if I pissed you off."
Aaron closed his eyes and dropped his head back against the chair. "Don't apologize," he murmured.
That didn't really give Dave any clue what they were arguing about. He supposed if it was important, it would come up again. Dave stroked his hand down to Aaron's and curled their fingers together.
They sat like that for a while, Aaron not opening his eyes, but not pulling away from Dave either. Eventually, Aaron lifted his hand and scrubbed it over his face, then slumped into his seat further.
"Can I help?" Dave asked. God, what had he done wrong? Of course, he knew Aaron was miserable, and in one sense it was Dave's fault. But he'd said or done something to make it worse. Fucking brain, he thought, getting annoyed.
"Find a cure for cancer," Aaron muttered. He dropped his hand and opened his eyes, finally looking at Dave. "Sorry."
Dave shrugged, feeling sad. "You don't have to apologize," he said. He didn't know how to talk to Aaron sometimes any more. Maybe it was because he knew his job was easier than Aaron's. All he had to do was die. Aaron was the one who had to keep going afterward. Finally he fell back on his earlier thought. "You want to go for a walk?"
Aaron's lips quirked into a sad smile, and he shook his head, but just said, "Yes."
"Great," Dave said, though he wasn't sure anything was great any more. He took another sip of his scotch, savoring it again. After a moment he took one more sip, then held the glass out. "Want the rest of this?"
Aaron nodded without hesitation, then drank the rest of Dave's scotch in one gulp. He put both of the glasses on the floor and stood. "Where to?"
Dave shrugged. "Doesn't matter. I'll be with you." He smiled at Aaron and held out a hand.
***
Aaron knew when the doorbell rang that it was Sean. For a few minutes he couldn't make himself move. He'd reminded Dave that he wanted to see Sean, but Aaron had refused to call Sean himself. He'd made Dave do it. And now he was going to have to go and greet his brother and invite him in to say goodbye to Dave.
The doorbell rang a second time and Dave shifted in his sleep. He'd been resting a lot during the day lately. Aaron had been spending a lot of time watching him rest. It was hard to pull himself away from Dave's side, knowing that soon he wouldn't have the chance to watch Dave sleep.
Finally Aaron sighed and got up, making his way to the door. He was half tempted to down a glass of scotch before getting the door, but he'd been more and more tempted to drink a lot lately. He bypassed the drinks cabinet and stood in front of the door for a long moment. God, he didn't want to answer it.
He had to, though, and eventually he pulled it open. "Dave's sleeping," he told Sean, without bothering to greet him, then stepped aside so Sean could come in.
Sean looked at him for a moment, then nodded. He opened his mouth and licked his lips, then said, "How is he?" Maybe he thought it was safer to talk about Dave than to say hello.
"He's dying," Aaron said unhelpfully. "How do you think he is?"
Sean exhaled and let his head drop forward. "Aaron, don't, please," he murmured.
Aaron sighed and sat on the couch, slumping a little. It would be so easy to keep snapping at Sean. Sean had asked how Dave was, and Aaron had answered him, after all. But it wasn't going to do Dave any favors if Aaron and Sean were attacking each other.
Sean was silent for a moment, then said, "How are you?" His voice was hesitant.
"Why do you care?" Aaron said. Well, holding his tongue apparently wasn't going to go very well. God, he was turning into Dave the more tired he got.
Sean sighed. "I never stopped caring, Aaron," he whispered.
"You have a nice way of showing it," Aaron said.
"I'm sorry," Sean said. "You have no idea how sorry. I hated seeing Dave like that, and I know it's hard for you too, but...God, Aaron, do you always have to be so hard?"
Aaron expelled a breath and finally looked at Sean. "What do you want me to be right now, Sean?"
"Can't you just try to understand that I couldn't handle watching him get worse? Can't you try to get that I didn't do it to hurt you?" Sean shook his head. "I'm sorry I'm not as strong as you. And I'm sorry that I couldn't be here for you. I'm sorry."
Aaron closed his eyes and dropped his head back against the couch. "It must be nice to just be able to say 'I can't take this' and walk away," he said. "I can't, because I love Dave and I have a responsibility to him... and you may be my little brother, but I had thought that worked both ways in a sibling relationship too." Aaron could feel his eyes sting, so he didn't open them.
"You know, I wasn't trying to just walk away and ditch my responsibility," Sean said, his voice beginning to sound angry. "Someone threw me out of the house, remember? Before I'd even really begun to talk about things."
"You said you couldn't handle this. I made it easy for you. That's what you like, isn't it? The easy route?" Aaron said, looking at Sean again and matching his anger.
"What the hell, Aaron? I was never asking for easy! I was trying to have a damned conversation with my brother, the man who supposedly pays attention to people's emotions for a living. Clearly that was my first mistake."
"Fuck you," Aaron muttered. "Your first mistake was expecting that I would handle this the same way I handle everything else."
"I suppose that's true," Sean fired back, "since this is one thing you can't control."
Aaron closed his eyes and pressed his lids shut tighter with his hand. "Yeah," he said, but the anger had faded out of his voice because it had just hit him that he wasn't mad at Sean for being weak. He was mad at Sean for not understanding him. Sean had known him long enough that he should have known that this was terrifying for Aaron. And instead of switching roles and trying to be strong for Aaron, Sean had forced him to continue to try and be the strong one.
There was silence from his brother, and then finally Sean said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
"Just now or last time you were here? You've said a lot of stupid things the last couple times I've seen you," Aaron said.
Sean sighed. "Both, I guess, but you didn't really give me much of a chance to talk last time. I really wasn't trying to leave. I was just...I don't know, trying to get things off my chest. I just wanted..." He shrugged. "I don't know what I wanted. I definitely wasn't expecting you to throw me out."
Aaron made a noise that was supposed to be a laugh, but instead it just sounded sickly. "Neither was I."
This was probably the point where, in another family, they might hug and make up. That just wasn't how things happened in the Hotchner family though. Sean didn't answer for a while, then said, "How are you doing?"
"Let's see... I'm barely sleeping, barely eating, and last week I went with Dave to go pick out his casket," Aaron said, not bothering to disguise the misery in his voice.
"God," Sean whispered. Finally he patted Aaron's shoulder gently. "Tell me what I can do to help. I'll stay as long as you need me to." He sighed. "If you want me to."
"I didn't want you to leave last time," Aaron said. He would like to think that Sean's words and touch would relax him, but as it was, his muscles were all tight and aching all the time anyway.
Sean was silent for a moment. "Yeah." They lapsed into a silence that wasn't terribly comfortable. Sean didn't seem to know what to say, and he'd pulled back into his own personal space.
Aaron sighed and rubbed at his head. "His vision is starting to get bad," he said finally. "He has dizzy spells, and forgets conversations we just had."
"Damn." Sean patted Aaron's shoulder again, then got up and moved to the couch, where he hugged Aaron awkwardly. "I'm sorry, Aaron," he muttered as he pulled away.
Aaron had tensed, but he didn't pull away, then Sean was sitting on the couch. "You didn't do it."
"I still wish this wasn't happening to you." Sean sounded about fifteen as he spoke the words. "I wish I could fix it."
Aaron was about to say that made two of them, but he heard shuffling footsteps in the hall, so he turned to see Dave come out into the living room. Dave looked sleepy, but when he saw Sean and Aaron he perked up. He might be losing some of his faculties, but he was still Dave, and Aaron was unsurprised by the way he studied both of them for a long moment before coming all the way into the room.
"Sean," he said, holding out a hand. "Thanks for coming."
Sean stood up and had no trouble hugging Dave, Aaron noticed. Dave hugged him tightly and for a long time, then sighed and let him go.
Aaron had no idea what to say now, and he felt like he was expected to suddenly keep the conversation going. He felt responsible for the two of them again. He drew in a deep breath and told himself to relax. "I'm going to make tea if anyone wants some," he said, getting up from the couch and heading for the kitchen.
"I'd love a cup," Dave said, and Sean nodded. Aaron could hear their voices as he ran the water and started the burner, but they were talking too quietly for him to discern the words. It was an unhurried conversation, Sean discovering for himself that Dave sometimes needed more time to hunt for words these days.
When Aaron returned to the living room, Sean had moved to a chair so Dave could sit on the couch with Aaron. Dave opened his eyes. "Sean promised to make lasagna with Mama's recipe tonight," he said.
Aaron smiled faintly. Dave wasn't cooking anymore, and Aaron had never been much of a cook. And now that they'd said goodbye to Dave's parents, he wouldn't have her food anymore. Sean could probably get close, though. Aaron handed Sean and Dave tea and sat. "Thank you," he said, settling against Dave. "I've tried them and can't come close. I've always lived with better cooks than me."
"He doesn't have the right blood in him, but I guess he can be an adopted Rossi," Dave murmured, and kissed Aaron. "Same as you. Or almost." He smiled and laced his fingers with Aaron's, then held his teacup up to breathe in the steam. After a moment his eyes closed. "This is good."
Aaron smiled at him. "I didn't do anything different."
Dave chuckled. "Not the tea. This." He tilted his head, maybe indicating the room. "Us being together like this."
Aaron sucked in a breath and glanced at Sean, then just settled closer to Dave.
Dave kissed his jaw. "I love you." He leaned his head against Aaron's shoulder. "So how's the restaurant business?" he asked Sean.
Sean hesitated, then launched into a casual rundown of how work had been and how the restaurant was doing. Dave asked a couple of questions, and Sean eventually added that of course he'd like to have his own restaurant some day, but he just wasn't ready for that. Dave smiled. "Well, maybe Aaron will invest in you when you're ready for it."
Aaron was tempted to curse at Dave. He was obviously trying to expedite the process of 'fixing' Aaron and Sean's relationship. Aaron wondered if it was because he wanted to see them be okay again before he died. "You know I will," he admitted quietly, against his will.
"Oh, you don't--" Sean began, but Dave waved a hand.
"And I hope you'll consider me an investor by proxy," he said, smiling at Sean.
"God," Sean said, his expression falling apart. He leaned over and took Dave's hand. "Dave..." He didn't seem to know what to say after that, but Dave looked like he understood.
Aaron didn't have anything to say to that. He didn't really want Sean here right now. He wanted to be close to Dave and relish the time they had left together. They sat in silence for a while, then Sean said he ought to check their food supplies. He stood, then paused.
"Is there a hotel you can recommend?" he asked hesitantly.
Aaron was tempted to give him the name of one, but not only could he not bring himself to, he knew Dave would be furious if he did. "Take the guest bedroom," he said after a pause. "Haley and Jack will be here in a few days, though, if you don't mind the couch again after that."
Dave squeezed his hand.
"It's fine," Sean said. He managed a small smile, then nodded. "I'm gonna see what you have and then head to the grocery store so I can get started on supper, okay?" He disappeared into the kitchen without waiting for an answer.
Dave kissed Aaron's cheek.
"I feel like I'm going to suffocate," Aaron murmured. He hadn't planned to say it, but it had just slipped out.
Dave made an unhappy noise and wrapped his arms around Aaron. "I wish I could make things easier for you," he murmured. "But the only way I can think to make this stop hurting is for you to love me less, and I don't want that to happen." He pressed his face against Aaron's neck.
"I love you more every day," Aaron whispered. "You're so strong. You're much stronger than I am."
Dave laughed. "That's not true," he said. "They have drugs that deal with my pain. I don't think a drug's been invented that deals with what you're going through." He sighed and squeezed Aaron gently.
"Sure there has," Aaron said. "I'm just not really interested in becoming a junkie."
Dave snorted. "Well. Good." He pulled back and kissed Aaron softly. "I love you," he whispered.
"I love you too," Aaron said. "I hate that you invited my brother here," he added, quiet enough Sean shouldn't hear.
"You need him, Aaron. And he needs you." Dave reached up and stroked his fingers through Aaron's hair. "I know you're angry, but he's sorry, and you need to try to forgive him."
Aaron felt himself relax at Dave's touch, but he just hummed an unsure noise.
"Just try," Dave whispered. He kissed Aaron again.
Aaron sighed. "Fine," he said. "For you I will."
Dave smiled and leaned his head against Aaron's shoulder. "That's all I can ask."
***
Aaron knew Dave's vision had been getting worse more quickly over the last few weeks, but he didn't realize how bad it was getting until one morning about a week after Sean got there. Dave and Aaron had been awake for a while, just cuddling in bed and talking a little. Dave was in pain, but he'd finally got enough morphine in him that he wanted to get up for brunch.
Aaron was watching as Dave fumbled for his robe and managed to get into it, then stumbled over the footstool, which was further from the chair than it usually was. Dave swore, lifting a hand to catch himself, and Aaron hurried to his side, catching him.
Aaron helped Dave right himself, then couldn't help cupping Dave's face in his hand, looking into his eyes as if it would tell him how bad it was. "You okay?" he murmured.
"Yeah," Dave grumbled. "What did I run into? That the damn footstool?" He glowered at Aaron.
"It was out too far," Aaron confirmed, stroking Dave's face. He hesitated before he spoke again, then pulled Dave into his arms. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Dave leaned in against him. "I guess I hadn't noticed how bad it was," he said. "Things have been blurry and confusing, but I could mostly get around okay. We haven't really been rearranging the house much." He sighed. "The frustrating thing has been not being able to read or write. I really wanted to finish that...that...thing."
Aaron swallowed hard and kissed Dave's forehead. It was getting too easy to fill in Dave's forgotten words. "You could dictate," he suggested. "It would... It'd be nice to hear your voice." He held Dave tighter. "I think I have a Dictaphone in the study."
Dave huffed a laugh. "What, you don't think the audio edition of Deviance is enough?" he teased. He pressed against Aaron. "Yeah, I could dictate. Good idea."
Aaron smiled faintly. "Deviance is fine, but I've read it a few times already, and it's not exactly personal." He stroked his fingers down Dave's spine. "I love you. I'll tell Sean to keep things where they are. And Haley and Jack, when they get here." And the team, Aaron thought.
"Okay." Dave held on to Aaron tightly. He was getting so thin. "Let's go eat breakfast," he murmured."
Author:
innerslytherin and severity_softlyArtist:
tliPairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 147,800
Summary: Futurefic--Shortly before Dave turns sixty, he is diagnosed with a grade III brain tumor. He and Aaron have to come to terms with what this means for their relationship. Eventually the team has to help Aaron say goodbye.
Notes: Heavy angst. Lots of medical detail. Character death. This fic would not exist without the extensive help, support, encouragement, and hand-holding from
resolucidity, who served as our medical consultant throughout.Master post
Chapter Sixteen
They flew back to New York the next day. Since Georgie and Felicia had their flight information, Aaron wasn't really surprised to see them waiting when they got through the gate. He was surprised, though, when Felicia came to him instead of Dave and hugged him tightly.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "Welcome back."
Aaron tensed at first, then had to force himself to relax enough to hug her back. He was surprised that he was still angry, but he'd been feeling that way a lot more lately. He was angry at the situation, and that was making it harder and harder to let go of things. "Hi," he said after a moment, and let her go. "You guys didn't have to meet us here."
"We wanted to," Felicia said. "We figured you guys would be tired after your flight."
"Have you eaten?" Georgie asked. "We could stop somewhere for supper if you need to."
"They served dinner on the flight, but I don't think either of us ate much of it," Aaron said, taking Dave's hand.
"Davey's always saying how good your brother's restaurant is," Georgie said. Dave started shaking his head, but Georgie obviously didn't notice, since he continued, "I suppose it's too upscale for us, but we could always swing by and see if he'd get us in, if you want. Or maybe you're gonna see him while you're in town this time?"
Aaron tensed again, then sort of froze, unsure what to say. After a moment, he just swallowed hard. "I'm sure he's busy. We'll just see if we can catch him if we can before we go." That was a lie, but he hoped it would keep Georgie from pushing more.
Georgie shrugged. "Yeah, I figured we're not dressed for the place anyway," he said, grinning at them. Aaron saw Felicia dart a confused look at Dave, but Dave just shook his head slightly and turned.
"Come on," he said. "We need to get our luggage. There's more of it coming home than there was going."
Aaron nodded and went with Dave to the baggage claim, but Georgie and Felicia took the bags and wouldn't let Dave or Aaron carry them. Aaron protested that he was perfectly fine, but his protests were largely ignored, and the car was loaded up in no time.
"Mary wants you to get your pictures printed before you leave Jersey," Georgie informed them. "She says you can take it to a department store and get them printed right off the little disc thingies that go in the camera." He grinned. "I think I know where I'm going to be taking her for our next anniversary. It's been Ireland this and Ireland that ever since you left."
Aaron tried to smile, but it didn't quite stick. Between the mention of Sean, what happened with Felicia before, and the fact that he and Dave were basically going to say goodbye to Dave's parents, then going home to wait for the inevitable, he didn't feel like he could do this. "We can do that before we go," he said. He didn't want to think about Georgie and Mary going to Ireland and being happy and getting to come home happy and spend God knows how many more good years together when he wasn't getting any of that.
"You guys are probably tired, aren't you?" Georgie said again. "Do you just want to pick up some fast food on the way back to the house? Don't feel like you have to be all social on our account."
"That sounds good, actually," Dave said. He was leaning against Aaron, his fingers wrapped around Aaron's hand. "I'm pretty tired, and just burgers or something would be best." He glanced up at Aaron to make sure that was okay, then rested his head on Aaron's shoulder again.
"Easier to eat," Aaron said. He wished he could force himself out of the way he was feeling. Dave seemed to be trying to comfort him, and that wasn't the way it was supposed to be. He was supposed to be strong for Dave.
"No problem," Georgie said. "We'll go through a drive-through and take it home to eat. Then you guys can get settled in for the night and we'll leave you alone." He glanced in the rear-view mirror and grinned at Aaron.
They did just as he said, and even though Aaron and Dave had to go through the whole hugging and greeting routine again when they got home to Mary, Georgie was as good as his word. As soon as they were done eating, Felicia hugged them both again and left, and Mary and Georgie retired to the den in the back of the house. Dave and Aaron were left in the guest bedroom to settle in.
"Sorry," Dave said quietly as he was changing into his pajamas. "I didn't tell them about Sean."
"I'm glad you didn't," Aaron said. His life was falling apart. No one needed to know more about that than they already did. It would have been embarrassing. The suggestion hadn't been comfortable, and obviously Felicia realized something was wrong, but they hadn't had to tell her.
"I didn't figure you'd want to talk about it," Dave said. "But, Aaron, it isn't a bad idea. We're in the city. We could give him a call."
"No," Aaron said before Dave could say anymore. "Please, just... no." He wanted to go to sleep and just not wake up, not have to feel any of this anymore.
Dave sighed but didn't say anything else. He just crossed the room and kissed Aaron, then wrapped his arms around him.
Aaron sucked in a deep breath and reluctantly held Dave back. He could feel himself trying to withdraw, and not only could he not do that to Dave, but he'd regret it later if he did. He sighed. "How do you feel?"
"Fine." Dave squeezed Aaron gently, then sighed again. "Okay, not fine. I'm not hurting, but...being back here, being 'home', sort of...It makes everything feel more real."
"Yeah, it does," Aaron said, then he laughed a miserable laugh. "Let's fly back," he said, meaning it as a joke, but his voice cracked.
Dave made a noise that was probably supposed to be amused. "Oh, Aaron," he murmured. He turned his head and kissed Aaron's neck.
Aaron took a deep breath and forced himself to relax. "Let's sleep," he said. "Maybe we'll wake up and this will have all been a horrible nightmare."
"God, I wish," Dave whispered. He took a deep breath that Aaron could feel against his chest, then lifted his head and kissed Aaron softly on the mouth. "Yes, let's sleep."
Aaron nodded without saying anything else. He was afraid to keep talking because he was barely holding it together anyway. He got ready for bed, then met Dave under the covers, where he snuggled up next to him. It wasn't cool, but he dragged all the blankets up over him, and somehow this felt much safer than anywhere else, just the two of them in the dark, wrapped up together.
"I love you," Dave said quietly. "Forever." He wrapped his arms around Aaron, who could tell Dave was feeling protective.
"I wish forever was a hell of a lot longer," Aaron said miserably, kissing Dave's skin.
"Yeah," Dave said. "Me too."
***
Visiting his parents and siblings had been harder than Dave had expected. He knew they had accepted his decision, but seeing them and watching them try to deal with the approach of his death was difficult. For that matter, it was still hard for him to believe, sometimes, that he was going to die soon. Intellectually he understood that things were getting worse. His spells of double vision were lasting longer and coming more frequently.
When they got back to Virginia, Aaron insisted Dave see the doctor, though Dave didn't really know what good it would do. He went along with it to make Aaron happy, because he was doing a lot of things these days to make Aaron happy. Pretty soon, he figured, Aaron would be as miserable as it was humanly possible to be. So whatever little things Dave could do to make these days better, he was willing to do.
Doctor Morgan ordered another MRI and informed Dave that the lesion affecting his vision was getting worse, and that his eyesight would certainly continue to worsen for the rest of his life. Dave checked in with the hospice team as well. They seemed surprised that he was using morphine more slowly than anticipated, but he'd only really started having a lot of pain in the last two weeks or so.
Still, he could tell time was running short. He felt bone-achingly tired, and it was a different sort of fatigue than what he'd experienced during chemo. At the same time, he felt more urgency than he had in Ireland. He kept fretting about whether or not he truly had all his arrangements made.
He went over things again with his lawyer, though it took a long time because he was having trouble concentrating. Decisions were becoming more difficult too. When he called Jimmy to come for a visit, he couldn't really remember why he'd decided to do so. They ended up drinking scotch together and Dave listened while Jimmy shared memories of their childhood together. At the end of the visit, Jimmy hugged Dave tightly.
"Keep an eye on Aaron after I'm gone, would you?" Dave asked, and Jimmy promised he would. When he left, Dave had a feeling it would be the last time they saw each other before he received last rites.
One evening, as Dave and Aaron sat on the back porch, Dave remembered something he'd been meaning to talk to Aaron about.
"I ought to make some kind of funeral arrangements," he said.
Aaron didn't look at him. He just stared straight across the yard and sucked in a long slow breath. "We can go do that tomorrow, if you want," he said, and Dave couldn't help but notice how utterly hollow his voice sounded.
"You don't have to go in, if you don't want." Dave spoke quietly. He knew Aaron wouldn't want to talk about this, but it had to be better for Dave to do it than to make Aaron do it later.
"I don't want you to have to do it alone, and I should know what you want," Aaron said. He was starting to look really tired, and Dave had to wonder how much he was actually sleeping.
"I could get someone else to go with me. And write it down for you." Dave sighed. "I just...I know this is hard, Aaron. But I don't want you to have to do it later."
"I know, Dave. Have I said I won't go?" Aaron said. He finally turned to look at Dave, frowning. "You're not going with someone else."
Dave tried to smile at him and lifted a hand to brush against Aaron's cheek. "I just hate that this is so hard on you," he murmured. "I love you so much. I just...want to make things easier."
"You can't. And acting like I can't handle helping you carry out your final wishes doesn't help," Aaron said, an edge in his voice, in spite of not having pulled away.
Dave stared at him, stung by the tone of his voice, but trying not to react. "All right. I'm sorry," he said, striving for a reasonable tone.
Aaron let out a heavy sigh and turned to look back out at the yard. "Fine."
Dave frowned. "There was something else I was gonna say." He couldn't for the life of him remember, though. Shit. It had been important.
Aaron sighed. "You don't remember, though?"
"I'll remember. It was important." Dave took Aaron's hand in his. "Ah. Sean. I want to see Sean before I die."
Dave saw Aaron's head turn quickly, and then Aaron was frowning again. "Dave--"
"He's my brother-in-law, and I love him. And maybe he's being stupid, but I want to see him." Dave was going to insist on this. Really it was more for Aaron, and to a certain extent Sean, than for himself. He didn't want his death to be some huge grudge between the two brothers, not when Aaron was going to need all the support he could get. And he didn't want to leave Sean feeling guilty just because he was too weak to watch a family member sicken and die.
Aaron sighed and clenched his jaw, then slumped back in his seat and looked away again. "Fine."
Dave snorted. "And there's no need to get pissy about it. I think I deserve some dying wishes."
"I said fine, Dave. What more do you want?" Aaron looked at him. "You're dying, and I'm tired, and I'm not in the mood to jump for joy because you want to see my brother, who should have been here supporting us, not bailing like a coward." He rubbed a hand over his face. "Our lives were falling apart--are falling apart--and where is he? Family doesn't abandon one another like that. But if you want to see him, call him. I'll live with it for you."
"Last time I checked, family also support each other, despite mistakes made along the way, because of love," Dave countered. "I want you to do more than 'live with it', Aaron. I want you to realize that Sean handles things differently from you, and sometimes he makes us unhappy, but it's okay to still love him."
Aaron shook his head. "I'm not talking about love. I'm talking about... why should I support someone who refuses to return the favor?" He rubbed his hand over his face. "Can we not do this, please? I said it was fine."
Dave sighed, feeling more annoyed by Aaron's unwilling acquiescence than he really ought to. "Fine. I guess it's just one more conversation we'll put off forever."
Aaron turned and glared at Dave, then seemed to decide it was pointless and turned away again. "Yeah, well, there are thousands of much nicer conversations we'll never have. Forgive me if I'd rather mourn those."
"Some day you'll miss fighting with me too," Dave predicted. It was sort of cruel of him, and he knew it, but he couldn't help being annoyed that Aaron was being so stubborn.
"You're right," Aaron said, frowning. "You want to have another one, then, for posterity's sake? Fine. You have no right to make me feel guilty right now, so back off," he warned.
Dave glared at him, but decided not to say anything else. He would regret the fight himself, if they had one.
Aaron watched him for a moment, then sighed heavily and stood. "I'm going to get a drink. Do you want anything?" he muttered, heading toward the back door.
"Scotch would be nice," Dave said. He shouldn't drink much of it, but hell, what was it going to do, kill him?
"Right. That's a good idea," Aaron muttered, and disappeared into the house.
Dave snorted. Maybe he was going to get his fight after all, based on the bitchy mood Aaron was in tonight. Dave could understand it, but it got tiresome. He sighed and looked up at the stars. God, they were magnificent. It was a nice evening. Maybe he should ask if Aaron wanted to go for a short walk. Aaron had been cooped up in the house with Dave an awful lot lately.
Smiling faintly, Dave leaned back in his chair. Aaron was a good man. Dave supposed anyone would have stood by him while he went through this, but Aaron had been so strong, so determined. God, Dave was lucky. When Aaron came back out on the deck, Dave glanced up, smiling at him. Aaron didn't look happy. Had they been fighting? Dave blinked at the glass Aaron held out to him, trying to remember.
"What were we talking about?"
Aaron stared at him for a minute, looking tired and at a loss for words. Then he just shook his head and sat down. "Nothing," he said, and took a long sip of scotch from a glass that was quite a bit fuller than Dave's.
"This is scotch," Dave said. "Were we fighting?" It seemed to make sense that they would be drinking scotch if they were angry. He took a sip anyway, holding it in his mouth for a long time to relish the taste before swallowing and feeling the burn.
"Sort of," Aaron said. He sighed and drained his glass, then held it against the arm of his chair. "I love you."
Dave smiled at him and reached out to stroke his fingers along Aaron's forearm. "I love you too, Aaron. Sorry if I pissed you off."
Aaron closed his eyes and dropped his head back against the chair. "Don't apologize," he murmured.
That didn't really give Dave any clue what they were arguing about. He supposed if it was important, it would come up again. Dave stroked his hand down to Aaron's and curled their fingers together.
They sat like that for a while, Aaron not opening his eyes, but not pulling away from Dave either. Eventually, Aaron lifted his hand and scrubbed it over his face, then slumped into his seat further.
"Can I help?" Dave asked. God, what had he done wrong? Of course, he knew Aaron was miserable, and in one sense it was Dave's fault. But he'd said or done something to make it worse. Fucking brain, he thought, getting annoyed.
"Find a cure for cancer," Aaron muttered. He dropped his hand and opened his eyes, finally looking at Dave. "Sorry."
Dave shrugged, feeling sad. "You don't have to apologize," he said. He didn't know how to talk to Aaron sometimes any more. Maybe it was because he knew his job was easier than Aaron's. All he had to do was die. Aaron was the one who had to keep going afterward. Finally he fell back on his earlier thought. "You want to go for a walk?"
Aaron's lips quirked into a sad smile, and he shook his head, but just said, "Yes."
"Great," Dave said, though he wasn't sure anything was great any more. He took another sip of his scotch, savoring it again. After a moment he took one more sip, then held the glass out. "Want the rest of this?"
Aaron nodded without hesitation, then drank the rest of Dave's scotch in one gulp. He put both of the glasses on the floor and stood. "Where to?"
Dave shrugged. "Doesn't matter. I'll be with you." He smiled at Aaron and held out a hand.
***
Aaron knew when the doorbell rang that it was Sean. For a few minutes he couldn't make himself move. He'd reminded Dave that he wanted to see Sean, but Aaron had refused to call Sean himself. He'd made Dave do it. And now he was going to have to go and greet his brother and invite him in to say goodbye to Dave.
The doorbell rang a second time and Dave shifted in his sleep. He'd been resting a lot during the day lately. Aaron had been spending a lot of time watching him rest. It was hard to pull himself away from Dave's side, knowing that soon he wouldn't have the chance to watch Dave sleep.
Finally Aaron sighed and got up, making his way to the door. He was half tempted to down a glass of scotch before getting the door, but he'd been more and more tempted to drink a lot lately. He bypassed the drinks cabinet and stood in front of the door for a long moment. God, he didn't want to answer it.
He had to, though, and eventually he pulled it open. "Dave's sleeping," he told Sean, without bothering to greet him, then stepped aside so Sean could come in.
Sean looked at him for a moment, then nodded. He opened his mouth and licked his lips, then said, "How is he?" Maybe he thought it was safer to talk about Dave than to say hello.
"He's dying," Aaron said unhelpfully. "How do you think he is?"
Sean exhaled and let his head drop forward. "Aaron, don't, please," he murmured.
Aaron sighed and sat on the couch, slumping a little. It would be so easy to keep snapping at Sean. Sean had asked how Dave was, and Aaron had answered him, after all. But it wasn't going to do Dave any favors if Aaron and Sean were attacking each other.
Sean was silent for a moment, then said, "How are you?" His voice was hesitant.
"Why do you care?" Aaron said. Well, holding his tongue apparently wasn't going to go very well. God, he was turning into Dave the more tired he got.
Sean sighed. "I never stopped caring, Aaron," he whispered.
"You have a nice way of showing it," Aaron said.
"I'm sorry," Sean said. "You have no idea how sorry. I hated seeing Dave like that, and I know it's hard for you too, but...God, Aaron, do you always have to be so hard?"
Aaron expelled a breath and finally looked at Sean. "What do you want me to be right now, Sean?"
"Can't you just try to understand that I couldn't handle watching him get worse? Can't you try to get that I didn't do it to hurt you?" Sean shook his head. "I'm sorry I'm not as strong as you. And I'm sorry that I couldn't be here for you. I'm sorry."
Aaron closed his eyes and dropped his head back against the couch. "It must be nice to just be able to say 'I can't take this' and walk away," he said. "I can't, because I love Dave and I have a responsibility to him... and you may be my little brother, but I had thought that worked both ways in a sibling relationship too." Aaron could feel his eyes sting, so he didn't open them.
"You know, I wasn't trying to just walk away and ditch my responsibility," Sean said, his voice beginning to sound angry. "Someone threw me out of the house, remember? Before I'd even really begun to talk about things."
"You said you couldn't handle this. I made it easy for you. That's what you like, isn't it? The easy route?" Aaron said, looking at Sean again and matching his anger.
"What the hell, Aaron? I was never asking for easy! I was trying to have a damned conversation with my brother, the man who supposedly pays attention to people's emotions for a living. Clearly that was my first mistake."
"Fuck you," Aaron muttered. "Your first mistake was expecting that I would handle this the same way I handle everything else."
"I suppose that's true," Sean fired back, "since this is one thing you can't control."
Aaron closed his eyes and pressed his lids shut tighter with his hand. "Yeah," he said, but the anger had faded out of his voice because it had just hit him that he wasn't mad at Sean for being weak. He was mad at Sean for not understanding him. Sean had known him long enough that he should have known that this was terrifying for Aaron. And instead of switching roles and trying to be strong for Aaron, Sean had forced him to continue to try and be the strong one.
There was silence from his brother, and then finally Sean said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
"Just now or last time you were here? You've said a lot of stupid things the last couple times I've seen you," Aaron said.
Sean sighed. "Both, I guess, but you didn't really give me much of a chance to talk last time. I really wasn't trying to leave. I was just...I don't know, trying to get things off my chest. I just wanted..." He shrugged. "I don't know what I wanted. I definitely wasn't expecting you to throw me out."
Aaron made a noise that was supposed to be a laugh, but instead it just sounded sickly. "Neither was I."
This was probably the point where, in another family, they might hug and make up. That just wasn't how things happened in the Hotchner family though. Sean didn't answer for a while, then said, "How are you doing?"
"Let's see... I'm barely sleeping, barely eating, and last week I went with Dave to go pick out his casket," Aaron said, not bothering to disguise the misery in his voice.
"God," Sean whispered. Finally he patted Aaron's shoulder gently. "Tell me what I can do to help. I'll stay as long as you need me to." He sighed. "If you want me to."
"I didn't want you to leave last time," Aaron said. He would like to think that Sean's words and touch would relax him, but as it was, his muscles were all tight and aching all the time anyway.
Sean was silent for a moment. "Yeah." They lapsed into a silence that wasn't terribly comfortable. Sean didn't seem to know what to say, and he'd pulled back into his own personal space.
Aaron sighed and rubbed at his head. "His vision is starting to get bad," he said finally. "He has dizzy spells, and forgets conversations we just had."
"Damn." Sean patted Aaron's shoulder again, then got up and moved to the couch, where he hugged Aaron awkwardly. "I'm sorry, Aaron," he muttered as he pulled away.
Aaron had tensed, but he didn't pull away, then Sean was sitting on the couch. "You didn't do it."
"I still wish this wasn't happening to you." Sean sounded about fifteen as he spoke the words. "I wish I could fix it."
Aaron was about to say that made two of them, but he heard shuffling footsteps in the hall, so he turned to see Dave come out into the living room. Dave looked sleepy, but when he saw Sean and Aaron he perked up. He might be losing some of his faculties, but he was still Dave, and Aaron was unsurprised by the way he studied both of them for a long moment before coming all the way into the room.
"Sean," he said, holding out a hand. "Thanks for coming."
Sean stood up and had no trouble hugging Dave, Aaron noticed. Dave hugged him tightly and for a long time, then sighed and let him go.
Aaron had no idea what to say now, and he felt like he was expected to suddenly keep the conversation going. He felt responsible for the two of them again. He drew in a deep breath and told himself to relax. "I'm going to make tea if anyone wants some," he said, getting up from the couch and heading for the kitchen.
"I'd love a cup," Dave said, and Sean nodded. Aaron could hear their voices as he ran the water and started the burner, but they were talking too quietly for him to discern the words. It was an unhurried conversation, Sean discovering for himself that Dave sometimes needed more time to hunt for words these days.
When Aaron returned to the living room, Sean had moved to a chair so Dave could sit on the couch with Aaron. Dave opened his eyes. "Sean promised to make lasagna with Mama's recipe tonight," he said.
Aaron smiled faintly. Dave wasn't cooking anymore, and Aaron had never been much of a cook. And now that they'd said goodbye to Dave's parents, he wouldn't have her food anymore. Sean could probably get close, though. Aaron handed Sean and Dave tea and sat. "Thank you," he said, settling against Dave. "I've tried them and can't come close. I've always lived with better cooks than me."
"He doesn't have the right blood in him, but I guess he can be an adopted Rossi," Dave murmured, and kissed Aaron. "Same as you. Or almost." He smiled and laced his fingers with Aaron's, then held his teacup up to breathe in the steam. After a moment his eyes closed. "This is good."
Aaron smiled at him. "I didn't do anything different."
Dave chuckled. "Not the tea. This." He tilted his head, maybe indicating the room. "Us being together like this."
Aaron sucked in a breath and glanced at Sean, then just settled closer to Dave.
Dave kissed his jaw. "I love you." He leaned his head against Aaron's shoulder. "So how's the restaurant business?" he asked Sean.
Sean hesitated, then launched into a casual rundown of how work had been and how the restaurant was doing. Dave asked a couple of questions, and Sean eventually added that of course he'd like to have his own restaurant some day, but he just wasn't ready for that. Dave smiled. "Well, maybe Aaron will invest in you when you're ready for it."
Aaron was tempted to curse at Dave. He was obviously trying to expedite the process of 'fixing' Aaron and Sean's relationship. Aaron wondered if it was because he wanted to see them be okay again before he died. "You know I will," he admitted quietly, against his will.
"Oh, you don't--" Sean began, but Dave waved a hand.
"And I hope you'll consider me an investor by proxy," he said, smiling at Sean.
"God," Sean said, his expression falling apart. He leaned over and took Dave's hand. "Dave..." He didn't seem to know what to say after that, but Dave looked like he understood.
Aaron didn't have anything to say to that. He didn't really want Sean here right now. He wanted to be close to Dave and relish the time they had left together. They sat in silence for a while, then Sean said he ought to check their food supplies. He stood, then paused.
"Is there a hotel you can recommend?" he asked hesitantly.
Aaron was tempted to give him the name of one, but not only could he not bring himself to, he knew Dave would be furious if he did. "Take the guest bedroom," he said after a pause. "Haley and Jack will be here in a few days, though, if you don't mind the couch again after that."
Dave squeezed his hand.
"It's fine," Sean said. He managed a small smile, then nodded. "I'm gonna see what you have and then head to the grocery store so I can get started on supper, okay?" He disappeared into the kitchen without waiting for an answer.
Dave kissed Aaron's cheek.
"I feel like I'm going to suffocate," Aaron murmured. He hadn't planned to say it, but it had just slipped out.
Dave made an unhappy noise and wrapped his arms around Aaron. "I wish I could make things easier for you," he murmured. "But the only way I can think to make this stop hurting is for you to love me less, and I don't want that to happen." He pressed his face against Aaron's neck.
"I love you more every day," Aaron whispered. "You're so strong. You're much stronger than I am."
Dave laughed. "That's not true," he said. "They have drugs that deal with my pain. I don't think a drug's been invented that deals with what you're going through." He sighed and squeezed Aaron gently.
"Sure there has," Aaron said. "I'm just not really interested in becoming a junkie."
Dave snorted. "Well. Good." He pulled back and kissed Aaron softly. "I love you," he whispered.
"I love you too," Aaron said. "I hate that you invited my brother here," he added, quiet enough Sean shouldn't hear.
"You need him, Aaron. And he needs you." Dave reached up and stroked his fingers through Aaron's hair. "I know you're angry, but he's sorry, and you need to try to forgive him."
Aaron felt himself relax at Dave's touch, but he just hummed an unsure noise.
"Just try," Dave whispered. He kissed Aaron again.
Aaron sighed. "Fine," he said. "For you I will."
Dave smiled and leaned his head against Aaron's shoulder. "That's all I can ask."
***
Aaron knew Dave's vision had been getting worse more quickly over the last few weeks, but he didn't realize how bad it was getting until one morning about a week after Sean got there. Dave and Aaron had been awake for a while, just cuddling in bed and talking a little. Dave was in pain, but he'd finally got enough morphine in him that he wanted to get up for brunch.
Aaron was watching as Dave fumbled for his robe and managed to get into it, then stumbled over the footstool, which was further from the chair than it usually was. Dave swore, lifting a hand to catch himself, and Aaron hurried to his side, catching him.
Aaron helped Dave right himself, then couldn't help cupping Dave's face in his hand, looking into his eyes as if it would tell him how bad it was. "You okay?" he murmured.
"Yeah," Dave grumbled. "What did I run into? That the damn footstool?" He glowered at Aaron.
"It was out too far," Aaron confirmed, stroking Dave's face. He hesitated before he spoke again, then pulled Dave into his arms. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Dave leaned in against him. "I guess I hadn't noticed how bad it was," he said. "Things have been blurry and confusing, but I could mostly get around okay. We haven't really been rearranging the house much." He sighed. "The frustrating thing has been not being able to read or write. I really wanted to finish that...that...thing."
Aaron swallowed hard and kissed Dave's forehead. It was getting too easy to fill in Dave's forgotten words. "You could dictate," he suggested. "It would... It'd be nice to hear your voice." He held Dave tighter. "I think I have a Dictaphone in the study."
Dave huffed a laugh. "What, you don't think the audio edition of Deviance is enough?" he teased. He pressed against Aaron. "Yeah, I could dictate. Good idea."
Aaron smiled faintly. "Deviance is fine, but I've read it a few times already, and it's not exactly personal." He stroked his fingers down Dave's spine. "I love you. I'll tell Sean to keep things where they are. And Haley and Jack, when they get here." And the team, Aaron thought.
"Okay." Dave held on to Aaron tightly. He was getting so thin. "Let's go eat breakfast," he murmured."
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-09-28 08:01 am (UTC)"Fine. I guess it's just one more conversation we'll put off forever."
Aaron turned and glared at Dave, then seemed to decide it was pointless and turned away again. "Yeah, well, there are thousands of much nicer conversations we'll never have. Forgive me if I'd rather mourn those."
Just gutting.
And I do love the fights and the painfully awkward moments between Sean and Aaron even if it is remarkably like swallowing glass shards.
BTW, I don't know whether you ever watched soap operas, but all the references remind me of General Hospital's "I see you, Robin" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hYFIAqKde8) when Stone died from AIDS and lost his vision before it too.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-29 12:26 am (UTC)It was so tempting to have Sean and Aaron make up quickly and easily, just to spare poor Aaron more pain. But we had to go with realistic. :/
I convince, I didn't know about Stone despite that my best friend had been a GH fan for decades. LOL
no subject
Date: 2009-09-29 01:25 am (UTC)I really enjoyed the Sean/Aaron aspect. It worked really well for me precisely because it didn't go that easy and perfect. It made for a lot of very memorable moments. And a lot of "That's just so Hotch" moments that remind you just so perfectly of canon. Particularly the "Get out!" scene and Hotch's unwillingness to forgive. After all, it often is the flaws that make characters unique and memorable (as long as they don't go over the top of course, but it felt very lifelike here).