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geekystudmuffinTitle: The Last Best Days
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innerslytherin and severity_softly
Artist:tli
Pairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 147,800
Summary: Futurefic--Shortly before Dave turns sixty, he is diagnosed with a grade III brain tumor. He and Aaron have to come to terms with what this means for their relationship. Eventually the team has to help Aaron say goodbye.
Notes: Heavy angst. Lots of medical detail. Character death. This fic would not exist without the extensive help, support, encouragement, and hand-holding fromresolucidity, who served as our medical consultant throughout.
Master post
Chapter Fifteen
Their first week was spent exploring Dublin, eating in pubs and taking in the sights. Dave insisted they visit the General Post Office, Kilmainham Gaol, and Dublin Castle, not to mention as many cathedrals as Dave could find. Aaron would have thought it a late-in-the-game ploy to proselytize him--a Hail-Mary play, but backwards--if it weren't for the genuine enjoyment Dave seemed to take from seeing all the holy places.
"People have been worshiping here for almost a thousand years, Aaron," he murmured, as they stood in the nave of St. Patrick's Cathedral. "It's hard to fathom." His eyes were shining with wonder as he stared up at the ceiling. Aaron reflected that he had rarely seen Dave like this. Ireland had been a good choice.
Aaron watched him for a moment, and then followed Dave's gaze upward. "That's amazing, actually."
"It's beautiful to think there are places that people have been coming together in celebration like that." Dave was smiling. "That it's not just the dark and twisted parts of the human psyche that continues through the ages."
Aaron thought that some would argue that there had been many twisted acts committed in the name of religion, but decided not to mention that. "It's easy to doubt that with what we do." What I do, he realized. Dave wouldn't be going back to work.
"Yeah." Dave hummed and looked over at Aaron. "It's nice to be reminded that, even if our best intentions aren't always good enough...at least we still have good intentions a lot of the time."
Aaron wasn't sure what to say, so he just nodded and laced his fingers with Dave's, smiling faintly when Dave looked at him. He didn't really care anymore who saw them or what they thought. He didn't have much time left to show Dave how much he loved him.
Dave smiled back at him. "I'm glad I'm here with you," he murmured. He held tightly to Aaron's hand as they wandered the church, looking at the stained glass and elegant design.
When they left the cathedral some time later, Dave seemed tired. He was walking more slowly, though he was still alert. As they passed by a little park, Dave tugged Aaron into it. "Let's sit down."
"Okay," Aaron said, and let Dave lead them to a bench. When they sat, he gave the edge of the hat Dave was wearing a little tug to make sure his head was fully covered. Garcia had knitted about a dozen of them now. "You okay?"
Dave laughed and leaned on him. "I'm fine. I just wanted to slow down and sit for a while." He kissed Aaron's jaw. "We have the time."
Aaron hummed and slid his arm around Dave. "I love you," he murmured.
"I love you, Aaron Hotchner." Dave sounded like he was smiling as he leaned his head on Aaron's shoulder. "You've made me so happy."
Aaron's chest ached. "I'm glad." He turned his head and kissed Dave's forehead. "Are you planning on finishing your book?"
"My book?" Dave's fingers tightened on his briefly. "I'm not working on a book."
Aaron frowned, a sudden thrill of fear that Dave had lost that memory shooting through him. "The... journal you've been writing in?" he suggested, hoping Dave would know what he was talking about.
"Oh." Dave was quiet. "That isn't a book. It's for you." He kissed Aaron's neck. "Well, for you and Jack, I guess."
Aaron slid his hand over Dave's shoulder, still frowning. "For me and Jack?"
"Mm. After I was sick the first time, I realized I wanted to have things down in writing, to sort of work through some of the things I'd experienced, and some of what I'd learned. And after a while I realized I was writing it as if you would be reading it. So I started to do that on purpose. It occurred to me that I have several years on you, and there was a good chance, even though I'd beaten cancer, that I might die before you." Dave kissed Aaron's jaw, then lowered his head to his shoulder again. "I wanted to leave you what I could, and even though you get most of my money and property, I thought maybe my words would mean more to you."
Aaron closed his eyes against the overwhelming sadness that hit him, and tried to ignore the tightening of his throat. "Dave..." he started, then trailed off, realized there wasn't a damn thing he could say.
Dave's fingers tightened on his. "And then I got sick again," he murmured. "And I knew it was more urgent than I'd thought." He stroked his thumb over Aaron's hand.
Aaron drew a deep breath and looked away across the park, not knowing what he was supposed to say, or even how he was supposed to feel. There was a book somewhere, maybe even in their hotel room, that contained Dave's dying thoughts, and it was just waiting for him.
Dave laughed after a moment. It was a subdued sound, but genuine. "And if you want to toss it in the grave with me instead of reading it, don't worry. Won't hurt my feelings." He squeezed Aaron's hand. "I hate that I won't be able to take care of you any more. So I'm doing what I can. I know it's not enough."
Aaron's eyes stung and he closed them again, surprised at how he had been somehow managing to stay composed lately. "I don't want to talk about... putting you in the ground."
"We won't, then," Dave said. His arms went around Aaron and he pulled him close. "We should get Jack some good souvenirs." One hand stroked through Aaron's hair. "We should get you some good souvenirs too. I'm taking as many pictures as I can, but that's not the same."
"Yeah," Aaron agreed weakly, turning into Dave's embrace.
"I love you," Dave whispered, holding him tightly. He held Aaron for a long time, not talking.
Eventually Dave thought they were both fit to be in public again, so they continued walking. They found themselves in a shopping district eventually, with shops that had window displays of all sorts of things. He and Aaron argued over what to get Jack, and they eventually agreed to disagree. Aaron bought him a fisherman's sweater that, admittedly, would look good with the way Jack's hair was darkening. Dave bought him a drum. A bodhran, explained the woman in the shop, and she demonstrated how it was played.
"Our boy is musical," Dave told Aaron, and had the woman agree to ship both of them to America for them. She was probably still trying not to laugh at them as he and Aaron left the store, but Dave didn't really care. He was happy. The morphine was working pretty good, and while it was true that his vision was blurring a lot lately, and he had to struggle more for words sometimes, he didn't care.
He did reach for Aaron's hand a lot as they walked, and he didn't really care how it looked to other people. It occurred to him once, when he caught their reflection in a window, that he looked much older than Aaron these days. It made him a little sad, but he didn't feel old, so he pushed it out of his mind.
"He always likes your gifts better," Aaron complained playfully as they walked away from the shop.
Dave laughed. "That's because I get him things I think he'd like, regardless of whether or not they're practical."
"You spoil him," Aaron said, sounding pleased by that, and running his thumb over Dave's.
"Eh, that's what I'm here for. You're the dad. I'm the cool guy his dad sleeps with." Dave grinned at Aaron and squeezed his hand lightly.
Aaron laughed. "Jack says neither of us are cool, you know. You just think you are."
Dave sighed in mock exasperation. "Someday he'll know better." A store window caught his eye and he paused, looking in at the jewelry. "Anyway, maybe Jack and I have different definitions of cool." He'd always liked Claddagh rings.
"I think you're cool, if it makes a difference," Aaron said, and Dave grinned at how ridiculous that sounded. Aaron was smiling broadly enough that Dave knew he knew it too.
"Well, if you think so, that's all that matters." He glanced over at Aaron, wanting desperately to kiss him even though they were on the sidewalk of a busy street. Instead he just grinned at Aaron for a long moment, then said impulsively, "Let's go in."
Aaron glanced between Dave and the shop, then said, "In here?"
"Yeah." Dave couldn't say what really motivated him to suggest it, but it struck him suddenly that they'd been together for over seven years, but they'd never so much as exchanged rings. It didn't matter; their relationship was committed to the core. But he'd been finding that different things mattered these days. "Come on."
Aaron agreed without a word, he just gave Dave's hand a little tug, and then let Dave lead him into the store. "Are you getting souvenirs for the team too?" he asked.
"You know, that's a good idea," Dave agreed. He wasn't sure if jewelry would be the way to go for any of them, but he liked the idea. "But I actually was thinking of something else."
"Yeah?" Aaron asked.
Dave walked up to a display and Aaron moved in behind him, closer than he normally would have before Dave had ended his treatment. His coat was brushing Dave's back and Dave could feel Aaron's breath on his neck, just barely.
"These," Dave said, pointing. They were men's rings, heavy, not the typical dainty design usually seen on Claddagh rings. Maybe it was a little cheesy. Dave didn't care. They were in Ireland; they ought to get Irish rings.
Aaron's hand brushed Dave's arm. "For us?"
Dave nodded and looked up at him. Maybe Aaron would think it was silly, to buy rings now. It was a little late to look for something to seal the deal when Dave probably only had months left.
Aaron was smiling faintly at him, but he looked a little confused. "We... we've never needed to prove anything, Dave."
"I know," Dave said. "It isn't about proving." He shrugged and looked back at the rings. "Maybe it's silly."
"Not if it's important to you," Aaron said.
"I don't know, I just thought...maybe it would be nice." Dave liked them, but Aaron was right; they didn't need rings to prove anything.
"Would you gentlemen like to see something?" The shopgirl was pretty and had given them a few minutes to browse, but it was clear she wanted to make a sale.
"Yes," Aaron said. Dave glanced up at her, but Aaron was looking at the girl, who had started practically beaming.
"What can I help you with?" she said, and Aaron turned to Dave, waiting for his answer.
"The gold ones," Dave said, pointing at them.
"A very nice choice," she said, pulling them out. Dave got the feeling she would have said that about anything he'd chosen.
"You do like the gold ones?" he asked, looking up at Aaron.
"Yeah," Aaron said.
They tried a couple of designs, but Dave kept going back to the one that had first caught his eye. It was actually a lot like the FBI ring he already wore, but he liked the way it didn't look like a wedding band right off the bat. Aaron would be able to wear it without occasioning comment.
"I should get Emily a necklace," he said, sliding a ring on his finger to check the size. "Maybe an Irish cross or a trinity knot or something."
"She'd like that," Aaron said, then took Dave's hand and held it up to look at the ring on Dave's finger. "This is the one you want?"
"If you like it," Dave said. "They ought to match." He looked at Aaron's hand against his own. He could feel a strange, forlorn feeling welling up inside him and he pushed at it. Enjoy this moment, he told himself. Be happy right now. The future could worry about itself.
"I do like it," Aaron said. He rested his cheek against Dave's shoulder for a moment, then straightened. Dave tried to ignore the way the shopgirl was watching them.
He nodded. "This one, then," he said. "And one that fits you." It felt silly and sort of wonderful that they were just spontaneously buying matching rings. Of course, he wouldn't really have long to regret the decision, so it only really mattered to Aaron. Dave pressed his lips together. "And a necklace for Emily."
Aaron nodded and they found a ring that fit Aaron better than the one he'd been trying. When Dave picked out a necklace, the shopgirl wrapped their purchases up for them. Aaron tried to pay for it, but Dave got his credit card to the girl first, and soon they were heading back out of the shop.
"I could have paid for those," Aaron grumbled.
"It was my idea," Dave said. He grinned at Aaron, who gave him a reluctant smile back. "This is good," he said quietly. "You needed a vacation. I like seeing you smile again."
"I'm not the only one who needed it," Aaron said. He took Dave's hand again as they walked along the street, his smile widening a little. It was good to see Aaron smile, though Dave didn't miss that his smile, except in rare cases when Dave caught him off guard, looked different these days.
"Yeah." Aaron was letting Dave control the pace, which was good. They'd had a full day, and Dave was starting to get tired. He thought maybe a pub would be good, and then heading back to their guest house. "We both did." He looked warmly at Aaron. "Want to get something to eat?"
"Sounds good. Someone dragged me around one thousand year old cathedrals this morning," Aaron teased.
After a leisurely meal in a pub, they got a cab back to their guesthouse and Dave took his shoes off and stretched out for a nap. He got Aaron to lie down with him, so he drifted off to the sound of Aaron's breathing. When he woke, the room was dim and Aaron was sitting by the window, reading from the light coming in there.
Dave smiled and sat up. "Time is it?"
"Two-ish," Aaron said. He closed the book and set it aside, then got up and walked over to the bed. "Time for you to take another pill." He opened the bottle of anti-seizure medicine on the nightstand and handed Dave what he needed, then went for a glass of water. "Feel better?" he asked from the kitchenette.
"Mmm, much better." Dave kissed him before taking the medicine. "I guess I do get a little worn out." He drained the water, then stretched. "But it's been a good week."
"I'm glad you convinced me to go," Aaron admitted, leaning down to kiss Dave again, his fingers stroking Dave's cheek.
"Good." Dave hummed and tangled his fingers in Aaron's hair, pulling him down for another kiss. "Love you."
"Mmm, love you, too," Aaron murmured. "So incredibly much."
Dave grinned at him. "Since you love me, will you wear my ring?" He stole another kiss.
Aaron laughed. "You're asking me now?" he said, sounding amused.
"Well, we bought them, but I think they're still in jewelry boxes somewhere," Dave replied. He tugged Aaron down onto the bed with him and kissed him again. "God, I can't get enough of you."
Aaron smiled and rolled up next to him. "I'm glad. It's mutual." He kissed Dave soundly. "You want to exchange them in bed, though?"
Dave laughed. "It wouldn't be very traditional. Hmm. Maybe we should see if we can take a bottle of wine out into the back garden. Do it out there."
"Whatever you want to do," Aaron said, grinning. He kissed Dave again with a little more hunger.
"Mmm, that's a good answer." Dave wrapped his arms around Aaron and held him tightly, breathing in his scent. "I think that sounds like a good plan."
Aaron ran a hand down Dave's back. "You feel so good," he murmured.
Dave grinned and kissed him. "You're great for my ego, you know that?"
"You look good," Aaron continued, kissing Dave slowly. His fingers slid under the back of Dave's shirt.
"We can exchange rings later," Dave decided breathlessly. He pressed against Aaron, reaching up to run his fingers through the dark hair. "Mmmm, Aaron."
"Wonderful, funny, strong... brave," Aaron whispered, kissing down Dave's neck.
"Mmm, what else?" Dave encouraged, grinning. He arched his neck and tugged at the back of Aaron's shirt, wanting bare skin under his fingers.
"Smart, compassionate, loving," Aaron said, and Dave could hear the smile in his voice as he nipped at Dave's skin. Aaron's hand slid down to Dave's ass. "Perfect for me."
"God!" Dave gasped, pulling Aaron's shirt off over his head. He splayed his fingers against Aaron's back. "You're so sexy and eloquent."
Aaron chuckled. "More."
"And handsome," Dave whispered. "I love your voice. I love your lips." He kissed Aaron slowly.
"I love you," Aaron whispered. "Wish it wasn't so impractical to spend the rest of our lives making love."
Dave laughed quietly. "You know the best part about us, Aaron?" he said, brushing his fingers through his hair. "It's all making love with you." Another kiss. "Our life together has been so good."
Aaron sucked in a breath and pulled back to look at Dave. After a moment, his eyes went slightly shiny, then he made a hungry noise and just kissed Dave again.
Dave held him tightly, drawing the kiss out. He knew Aaron would never doubt the strength of Dave's feelings, but he wanted to make sure he did everything possible to assure Aaron of how he felt.
"You need to be naked," Aaron said, his voice husky, and he tugged Dave's shirt off.
"Mmm, okay." Dave made sure Aaron didn't pull the morphine tubing with the shirt, then reached down to undo Aaron's pants. "You do too."
"Aren't you glad I thought of this?" Aaron let Dave undress him, then worked on returning the favor.
"Very," Dave breathed. "Hang on." He rolled over to take one of his little blue pills. He probably should have taken it a bit sooner, but they could draw out the foreplay for a little while. God, he loved touching Aaron.
The next hour or so was spent touching and kissing and murmuring praises at one another. Aaron seemed to need to feel Dave lately, so Dave took, and soon they were collapsing back against the mattress again, sweaty and sated.
Dave needed another nap.
They ended up snuggling for a long while as Dave recovered his energy. Eventually they got up and went down to the little eatery in the guesthouse. They had no trouble getting a meal and a bottle of wine to take out to the back garden, where as it turned out there was a picnic table set up for that purpose.
Dave slid his hand across the table to enfold Aaron's. "This has been a very good day," he murmured, smiling.
"It really has," Aaron said, squeezing Dave's fingers. He lifted Dave's hand and brushed his lips against Dave's knuckles.
"I can't think of much that would make it better," Dave said. Then he pulled out the box with their rings and slid it onto the table. "Except this."
Aaron smiled and shook his head. "Has anyone ever told you what a hopeless romantic you are?"
Dave tilted his head. "You, quite a few times, I'm pretty sure," he said. "But you're the only one to make that heinous accusation."
"Only because I know you can't shoot me over it. You'd have no one to be sappy with if you killed me." Aaron smiled at him, then reached for the box, picking the slightly larger one that belonged to Dave out.
"You must think I'm soft on you or something," Dave muttered. He grinned at Aaron and then looked down at the ring in his hand. Aaron was going to put it on him, he realized with a silly pulse of pleasure. It shouldn't mean so much. It shouldn't mean anything. They hadn't needed promises between them, let alone a ring. But somehow it did mean something. Dave held out his hand and raised his gaze to meet Aaron's.
Aaron closed his fingers on Dave's hand and tilted his head. "I know this is supposed to go on some certain direction..."
"Er...heart pointing in, I think it said, if your heart is taken." Dave smiled at him.
"Is it?" Aaron teased quietly.
"Has been for almost a decade now," Dave said.
Aaron smiled and went to put the ring on Dave, then paused. "I feel like I ought to say something. You didn't really give me time to prepare," he said, then squeezed Dave's hand, obviously not wanting Dave to respond to that. He drew a deep breath. "I'm not entirely sure what to say that you don't already know. But I think that's why we work sometimes. We don't have to say anything; we just know what the other needs. I don't know how that happened, and it's never happened to me before you, but it's the most amazing thing I've ever known, to be so well understood by someone I love and admire every single day," he said. "I love you, Dave. Today, next month, a year from now, ten years from now... I will always love you." His eyes were a little shiny, and he bit his lips together, then slid the ring on Dave's finger.
Aaron's words brought tears to Dave's eyes. He stared down at the gold band and swallowed hard. "Aaron," he breathed, and then faltered, grasping for words. "I've never known a man as good and true and passionate as you. And I'm grateful every day that you love me, of all people." He smiled, even though the tears were dangerously close to spilling over. "I will love you for the rest of my life, and that would be true even if I had another hundred years to live." He ducked his head as his control slipped, then looked back up. "You are my solid ground." He slid Aaron's ring onto his finger, ignoring the stinging in his eyes.
Aaron sniffed, obviously close to tears himself, but he was holding himself together. "God, Dave," he whispered, looking at the ring on his finger. After a moment he laughed. "We should have done this years ago." Obviously Aaron was feeling this too, even if they'd never thought they needed it before.
Aaron looked back up and took Dave's hand in both of his. "I love you so much," he said, his eyes watery.
Dave gripped Aaron's hand and nodded, trying to reign himself back in. "Aaron," he whispered, smiling at him.
"I love you," Aaron repeated. He drew a long, shaky breath, then glanced around the garden. They were mostly alone, except for a family some distance away that were too tied up in what they were doing to pay Dave and Aaron any attention. Aaron looked back at Dave and gave him a small smile. "Aren't we supposed to kiss?" he suggested.
Dave managed a choked laugh. "Yeah, I think so," he said, and leaned in for a kiss, cupping his free hand against Aaron's cheek.
Aaron hummed happily against Dave's mouth, then deepened the kiss a little. It was strange being so affectionate in public, but given the circumstances, neither of them seemed to care too much.
Dave shifted closer, his fingers sliding into Aaron's hair. He wished his love could sustain Aaron somehow through the days that were coming. He wanted so much to make everything easier.
Aaron finally drew a long, content breath and pulled back. "I love you," he whispered, then smiled and laughed, seemingly realizing that he'd been saying that over and over.
Dave laughed too, stroking his fingers through Aaron's hair. "I love you too," he replied. "And you can keep telling me that as often as you want." He leaned in and brushed his lips against Aaron's softly. "I intend to say it to you forever."
Aaron hummed, and sat back in his chair, watching Dave for a moment. They he looked out across the garden. He seemed happy, if a little thoughtful. "I think we started the honeymoon a little soon, but we have plenty left."
"We'll just call it a destination wedding. Isn't that the term they use for eloping these days?" Dave grinned.
Aaron laughed and looked back at Dave. "Is that what we're doing?"
"It kinda is, isn't it?" Dave squeezed Aaron's hand. "Thank you."
"Why are you thanking me?" Aaron said.
"Because I'm grateful. For everything." He let his gaze trace over Aaron's features.
"So am I," Aaron murmured, squeezing Dave's hand. "Every day."
***
They spent the next several days on a leisurely drive south along the eastern coast of Ireland, through Enniskerry and Glendalough, taking time to stop and explore Sixth Century monastery ruins and seaside holiday resorts. In Waterford, Dave picked out gifts for JJ and Haley, with Aaron's careful input on the crystal for Haley. They saw the Titanic's last port of call before sinking and when they stopped outside Cork at Blarney Castle, Dave made Aaron pose for a picture kissing the Blarney Stone. He even took a picture with his cell phone and made Aaron send it to Garcia, who he knew would pass it along to the rest of the team.
By the end of the week they were in County Galway, where Dave insisted on seeing Kylemore Abbey. He'd always seen pictures of it, he said, and now that he knew where it was, he wanted to go there. They spent two nights in Galway, because Aaron could tell Dave was getting run down, even by the relaxed pace they'd been taking.
He'd noticed Dave using the morphine pump more, too. It was always connected, with a certain amount of morphine dispensed automatically per hour, but Dave had a little button he could use to dose himself with more on an as-needed basis. Dave had never liked admitting he was in pain, so he didn't make a fuss over it, but he seemed a little fuzzier than usual at times, and occasionally Aaron saw him fiddling with the pack at his waist that held the pump.
He was getting used to the way the rings felt when they held hands. Aaron still wasn't sure about the rings; he knew eventually that getting 'married' in a garden in Ireland was going to be a wonderful memory, but he couldn't help also thinking about how painful it was going to be soon enough. Still, it felt better to have this symbol of their relationship than he had expected.
Dave had decided on Ashford Castle for their last leg of the trip, and Aaron knew he was looking forward to the clay pigeon range, but Aaron was getting less and less convinced that Dave should be handling a gun with the level of morphine he was probably using. He wondered if he could convince Dave to golf instead.
When they arrived at the castle, Aaron couldn't help but be impressed by the size of the castle. Their suite was gorgeous, and he had to wonder how much Dave had budgeted for their trip. Not that it mattered; Dave liked the finer things in life, but he'd always been good at managing his money, and he had a lot of money. They settled into their rooms, then went down to the restaurant in the dungeon for drinks and a late lunch. Afterwards they walked out to the gardens.
Dave was walking slowly, but he looked happy. After a while his hand found Aaron's.
"This is gorgeous," Aaron said, his thumb stroking over Dave's. "It's... huge."
"Good choice?" Dave asked. He smiled over at Aaron. "Thought we could get a taste of how the gentry live."
"Apparently pretty well," Aaron said.
Dave laughed. "The bed looked comfortable," he said, his voice sly. They'd had more sex in the past week and a half than they had in months. Dave didn't seem to be getting tired of it, either.
Aaron grinned. "I'm more worried about the company than the mattress."
"Sorry, I think you're stuck with me." Dave squeezed his hand, then his steps faltered. "Dizzy," he mumbled, leaning on Aaron.
Aaron moved to wrap his arm around Dave, his heart speeding a little with worry. "Need to sit?"
"Mm, yeah, please." Dave leaned more heavily on him, closing his eyes, and made a surprised noise. "Weird."
"What's wrong?" Aaron asked, guiding Dave to the nearest place to sit. He ran his hand over Dave's side once they were sitting, watching his lover closely.
"Just..." Dave shook his head, then winced. "Nnh. Just came over me really fast." He took a couple quick breaths. "C'n I lean on you?"
"You already are," Aaron said, smiling even as his heart thudded against his ribs. He pulled Dave closer and kissed the side of his head. "Just dizzy? Are you hurting?"
"M'okay." Dave was still sort of panting, but he looked more bewildered than anything. "Doesn't hurt. Heh. Too much morphine in me."
Aaron closed his eyes and breathed deeply, then just kissed Dave again. "Need to go back to the room?" he whispered.
"Nah, nah, just need to breathe for a minute." Dave sighed and turned his head to press his forehead against Aaron's neck. "Just weird, tha's all. Don't think it's the drugs. Think it's my brain."
Aaron stilled at those words, trying not to react. Still, a wash of cold went through him. He ducked his head to meet Dave's gaze for a moment, then just rubbed his shoulder, looking back at the grounds and wondering what he could even say to that. God, this was only going to get worse.
"Mmm. Love you," Dave said. His hand found Aaron's and traced gently over the ring.
"I love you too," Aaron whispered, turning his hand so he could squeeze Dave's. His throat felt tight, but he thought his voice sounded normal. "Don't ever forget that." As soon as he said it, he wondered if Dave would. Doctor Morgan had said he was going to start having more and more memory holes, and Aaron suddenly had to push away the seizing fear that Dave might spend his last days not even knowing who Aaron was.
"I'll never forget that," Dave promised. He lifted his head and kissed Aaron gently. "Never."
Aaron wanted to make him promise, but that was a promise Dave couldn't make. Instead, Aaron just kissed him again.
Dave made a quiet noise and drew out the kiss, then rested his head against Aaron's shoulder for a moment. "Let's walk a little further," he murmured. "I'm feeling better."
Aaron nodded and stood, helping Dave up. He didn't stop holding him as they walked. He couldn't. He kept his arms securely around Dave's waist, telling himself it was in case Dave had another stumble. Really, he knew he just wanted to be close, and he had a feeling Dave knew that too, since he wasn't telling Aaron to stop fussing.
The garden really was pretty, and it was private while still allowing them to enjoy the outdoors. Aaron was ready to go in before Dave was, but it was nice to see Dave feeling good enough to walk, so he didn't press the matter. Eventually they headed back to the castle, though Dave suggested they sit in one of the parlors for a while. There was a fire crackling in the fireplace, and a leather sofa in front of it, and no one else was really around.
Dave settled close to Aaron and they were quiet for a little while, watching the flames and relaxing in the warmth. After a while, Aaron drew a long breath. "I'm afraid I'm not strong enough for this," he whispered, staring at the fire.
"Aaron," Dave murmured. He was silent for a moment, then said, "I'll understand if it's too hard." He drew a breath as if he were going to say more, but didn't. He laced his fingers with Aaron's and stroked the fingertips of his free hand along Aaron's.
"I know," Aaron said. It didn't matter, though. Not really. Even if it was understandable, it didn't make Aaron feel like his weakness was any more forgivable, or any less of a burden. It didn't make it okay that being weak and miserable was the last way Dave would ever see him.
"You know I love you," Dave whispered. "This is hard. Hell, it's hard for me, knowing what it's doing to you."
Aaron huffed a laugh. "You don't need to worry yourself with me. That's the point." He shook his head, wishing he hadn't said anything.
Dave snorted. "You're really all I have to worry about," he said. "I know what's happening to me. I got no choice but to go along for the ride." He pulled back and looked up into Aaron's face, tracing fingers along his jaw. "You're the one who needs someone to worry about you." Because I won't be able to any more, hung unspoken between them.
Aaron shook his head. "I'd say this isn't how I want you to remember me, but that doesn't really make sense, does it?"
Dave huffed a laugh and shook his head. "No, but yes." He cupped his palm against Aaron's cheek. "Aaron, nothing could ever change my opinion of you. I have never respected and admired and loved anyone as much as I do you."
I'm scared, Aaron thought, but he knew Dave knew that. After a moment, he slumped against Dave's side and looked back at the fire. "Let's talk about something else." He smiled faintly. "Tell me a joke."
Dave snorted. "Okay, so a coupla cops in San Antonio are investigating Juan's murder, and can't figure anything out. They call the ballistics guy and he says all he can tell them is that the weapon was a golf gun. 'What the hell's a golf gun?' says one of the cops. He says, 'I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.'"
Aaron laughed, then turned to smiled at Dave. He was pleased when Dave smiled back. Yeah, it was stupid, but it had helped anyway, and Aaron felt his shoulders relax. He slid his hand over Dave's knee and squeezed. "Thank you. Got any more?"
"God, you know how many stupid jokes I know, Aaron." He kissed his jaw briefly. "Okay, a blonde calls an airline and asks how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to London. The airline employee says, 'Let me look, just a minute'. The blonde says, 'Okay, thanks!' and hangs up."
That one made Aaron groan. "You resorted to a blonde joke on the second one? Really?"
"You caught me off guard," Dave protested.
"Excuses, excuses" Aaron said.
"Shh. I want to hear a joke from you."
Aaron made a face. "I don't tell jokes. I'm not the great David Rossi."
Dave snorted. "You're funny. You just like to pretend you're humorless and stern."
"Mmm," Aaron hummed. "I love you."
Dave grinned. "Is that your joke?"
"Yes," Aaron deadpanned, fighting a smile. "I'm only snuggling you publicly because it's the image I like the rest of the world to see."
Dave laughed. "Well, it's a good public image, I suppose. Since I'm so handsome and rich." He grinned at Aaron.
Aaron smiled and kissed Dave's jaw.
Sometime later, when a young couple wandered into the parlor, Dave and Aaron went upstairs. Dave needed a nap, and Aaron sat on the bed and watched him sleep. It was strange how Dave could have moments of so much strength, but still seem so tired and frail at times. Aaron appreciated that Dave wasn't trying to hide his moments of weakness any more, but they still scared him.
He supposed Dave knew that.
Aaron was almost dreading the end of their vacation, and he didn't like thinking about the fact that they only had four more days to drive back to Dublin and fly home. When they got back to the States they were going to have to face family and friends, knowing that each visit they made--a stop in Jersey, a flight to Chicago, and then home--was going to be Dave's last.
Aaron was tempted, for the first time in a long time, to get into the mini bar and drink too much, but Dave was in no condition to take care of a drunk man, and couldn't really join Aaron.
He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, trying to fight the stinging in his eyes. He wished he could join Dave in sleep, if just so he didn't have to think. But then his dreams had been growing darker these days anyway. He sniffed hard and wiped a tear that fell, then forced himself to calm down.
Dave's sleep was peaceful, and Aaron wondered sometimes if it was because of the morphine, or if he had just reached the point where no nightmare was as bad as what he was going through. Dave would never have to worry about going through it alone...but Aaron couldn't help feeling scared at how, eventually, he would be going through things alone. At some point Dave would no longer be able to help him. Whenever Aaron's thoughts turned in that direction, he found himself missing his brother...and then getting angry again. And in Sean's absence, Georgie and Felicia would be a source of strength...but the thought of Felicia cut him emotionally now too.
He didn't know if he had ever felt so alone.
Eventually, Aaron shifted down to lie next to Dave, facing him, but he just reached out to touch his arm gently, afraid anything more might wake Dave. He liked the reassuring warmth of Dave's skin under his hand. How much longer would he have that? How much longer would he have the one person he trusted with everything? Don't leave me, he thought, but the foolish desperation only made it worse.
He could feel when Dave's sleep grew shallower; his lover shifted under his hand and eventually began gravitating towards him. Dave had always been a secret snuggler, wanting physical contact, and Aaron was used to waking up with Dave pressed against him. What would he do in that huge bed all by himself?
You can't do this to me, he thought, watching Dave. Rationally he knew it made no sense to be angry at Dave, but arguing with his emotions didn't change them.
He clenched his jaw when Dave made a noise and shifted up close to him. His heart was racing now, and he almost didn't want to hold Dave. He wanted to yell at him. Another tear fell and dripped off his nose; this time Aaron didn't bother to wipe it away.
Dave made a quiet noise in his sleep, then drew in a long breath. After a moment he mumbled something that might be Aaron's name. Aaron wasn't sure if he was still asleep or waking up.
Aaron sighed and forcibly made his shoulders relax. He wiped his face in case Dave woke, and wrapped an arm around Dave. Be mad at the cancer, he told himself. He wasn't sure it would work.
"Wuzzit?" Dave mumbled. He sounded half asleep still at least.
"Shh," Aaron whispered.
Dave grunted and was silent for a moment. "Somethin' wrong?" he said finally.
"No," Aaron lied and kissed Dave's forehead. There was nothing wrong that Dave could fix.
"Mmm." Dave snuggled up against him and stroked a hand along Aaron's side. "Love you."
Aaron drew a deep breath and told himself firmly to let the anger go. "I love you too."
Dave made a contented noise and kissed Aaron's neck.
Aaron sighed and closed his eyes. This vacation was supposed to be about relaxing and enjoying the time they had, but Dave's earlier stumble had scared him, and right now that seemed impossible.
After a while Dave sighed. "You're tense," he muttered, sounding less sleepy than he had a few minutes ago.
Sometimes Aaron thought it was a curse as much as a blessing that Dave read him so well. "I'm fine," he whispered.
"Liar," Dave murmured. He kissed Aaron's neck again.
"Shut up," Aaron said, but his voice was gentle.
"Hmm." Dave shifted and kissed Aaron's mouth, then pushed up on one elbow. "What's wrong?"
"You're ignoring me?" Aaron said. He kissed Dave again and whispered, "Shh," when the kiss broke.
"Mmm. Because something's wrong. You're holding out on me, Aaron." Dave looked like he was getting cross.
Aaron sighed. "It's nothing anyone can fix. Can we please drop it?"
"Fine." Dave settled back down and snuggled against Aaron, but now he felt tense too.
Aaron just tensed more. Now Dave was angry with him, but Aaron pressed his lips together and told himself just to let Dave drop it. It was what he wanted. "What are we doing with the rest of our day?" he murmured after a few moments of silence.
"We could do one of those lake cruises," Dave said. "Or maybe see about getting in some shooting."
Aaron didn't say anything right away, wondering if Dave was going to be upset with his apprehensions about him shooting. Finally, though, he said it. "I'm not sure you should be handling a gun on morphine."
Dave sighed. "Shit." He was silent for a moment. "You can get some shooting in and I can ogle you while you shoot."
"I'm sorry," Aaron murmured, kissing Dave's head.
"Well, you are sexy when you shoot. Too bad it's not a pistol range." Dave slumped against Aaron.
Aaron huffed a laugh, but he really just felt sort of guilty about shooting in front of Dave when it was part of the reason Dave wanted to come here. "We could play golf instead," he suggested.
"Don't know if we could get a tee time this late in the day," Dave muttered. But he kissed Aaron. "We could call the concierge and find out."
Aaron nodded and kiss Dave's cheek. "Okay."
They did manage to get a tee time, though, and Dave played a pretty good game despite another brief dizzy spell on the eighth hole. Aaron shot lower than he did, but Aaron was a better player than Dave, even if neither of them devoted a whole lot of time to their golf game, generally speaking.
The next day they had a session with the estate falconer and got to work with the birds themselves. They had an early afternoon tee time, and reservations for dinner in the George V room, where jackets were required. They hadn't done much fancy dining on their trip, but the chef at Ashford was supposed to be very good. As it turned out, they'd heard right and enjoyed a delicious meal, after which they headed back to their suite.
Their vacation--their honeymoon--in Ireland was winding down, and part of Aaron was afraid to see it end. He was almost afraid that, once their vacation was over, Dave would have no further reason to be strong. And Aaron wasn't ready to let him go.
By the time they started their trip back to Dublin, Dave seemed to be wearing down a little more. They only had a set number of days to drive in to make their flight, though, and they'd spent extra time on the trip to Ashford, so they didn't have any to spare to let Dave slow down. Not that they were moving fast by any means.
The drive was beautiful, and Aaron tried to take it all in, trying to pretend that it didn't bother him that Dave spent so much of it sleeping in the seat next to him.
When he was awake, he seemed more contemplative than usual, alternating between staring out the window and watching Aaron. Their last night in Ireland they stayed in a nice bed and breakfast outside Dublin, and Dave was quiet but seemed to need more contact. They went to bed early, curled up together under a hand-made quilt in a four-poster bed.
Aaron turned the lights out and pressed a kiss to Dave's neck. "Talk to me," he whispered.
"What do you want to talk about?" Dave asked, equally softly.
"What's been on your mind all day," Aaron said. "But really, you can just talk to me. I love your voice."
Dave hummed thoughtfully, his arm tightening around Aaron. "It's not so much that anything's been on my mind as that I've...wanted to soak it all in. I've wanted to feel this."
"Mmm," Aaron hummed. He shifted closer, ridiculously letting Dave 'feel' him a little more. He only wished just feeling was as easy for him.
"I love you," Dave murmured. "I feel like I could tell you a million times and never say enough how much I treasure you."
"I know it, Dave," Aaron whispered.
Dave's fingers slipped through his hair. "Don't ever forget."
"You know I won't." Aaron kissed Dave's neck.
"I know." Dave took a deep breath. "I'm tired. It's sort of nice to know we have home to look forward to after Chicago."
Aaron sighed. That visit was going to be utterly miserable. "I'm sort of dreading home," he admitted.
Dave sighed. "Yeah, I know," he whispered.
Aaron sighed too and kissed Dave's neck again. "I love you."
"Mm. I know." Dave wrapped his arms around Aaron and kissed him.
Aaron didn't want to stop talking. He wanted to have Dave as fully as he could for the rest of Dave's life. But Dave was obviously tired, and exhausting him was only going to make this harder on both of them. "I love you," he repeated after a silence. "Sleep."
Author:
innerslytherin and severity_softlyArtist:
tliPairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 147,800
Summary: Futurefic--Shortly before Dave turns sixty, he is diagnosed with a grade III brain tumor. He and Aaron have to come to terms with what this means for their relationship. Eventually the team has to help Aaron say goodbye.
Notes: Heavy angst. Lots of medical detail. Character death. This fic would not exist without the extensive help, support, encouragement, and hand-holding from
resolucidity, who served as our medical consultant throughout.Master post
Chapter Fifteen
Their first week was spent exploring Dublin, eating in pubs and taking in the sights. Dave insisted they visit the General Post Office, Kilmainham Gaol, and Dublin Castle, not to mention as many cathedrals as Dave could find. Aaron would have thought it a late-in-the-game ploy to proselytize him--a Hail-Mary play, but backwards--if it weren't for the genuine enjoyment Dave seemed to take from seeing all the holy places.
"People have been worshiping here for almost a thousand years, Aaron," he murmured, as they stood in the nave of St. Patrick's Cathedral. "It's hard to fathom." His eyes were shining with wonder as he stared up at the ceiling. Aaron reflected that he had rarely seen Dave like this. Ireland had been a good choice.
Aaron watched him for a moment, and then followed Dave's gaze upward. "That's amazing, actually."
"It's beautiful to think there are places that people have been coming together in celebration like that." Dave was smiling. "That it's not just the dark and twisted parts of the human psyche that continues through the ages."
Aaron thought that some would argue that there had been many twisted acts committed in the name of religion, but decided not to mention that. "It's easy to doubt that with what we do." What I do, he realized. Dave wouldn't be going back to work.
"Yeah." Dave hummed and looked over at Aaron. "It's nice to be reminded that, even if our best intentions aren't always good enough...at least we still have good intentions a lot of the time."
Aaron wasn't sure what to say, so he just nodded and laced his fingers with Dave's, smiling faintly when Dave looked at him. He didn't really care anymore who saw them or what they thought. He didn't have much time left to show Dave how much he loved him.
Dave smiled back at him. "I'm glad I'm here with you," he murmured. He held tightly to Aaron's hand as they wandered the church, looking at the stained glass and elegant design.
When they left the cathedral some time later, Dave seemed tired. He was walking more slowly, though he was still alert. As they passed by a little park, Dave tugged Aaron into it. "Let's sit down."
"Okay," Aaron said, and let Dave lead them to a bench. When they sat, he gave the edge of the hat Dave was wearing a little tug to make sure his head was fully covered. Garcia had knitted about a dozen of them now. "You okay?"
Dave laughed and leaned on him. "I'm fine. I just wanted to slow down and sit for a while." He kissed Aaron's jaw. "We have the time."
Aaron hummed and slid his arm around Dave. "I love you," he murmured.
"I love you, Aaron Hotchner." Dave sounded like he was smiling as he leaned his head on Aaron's shoulder. "You've made me so happy."
Aaron's chest ached. "I'm glad." He turned his head and kissed Dave's forehead. "Are you planning on finishing your book?"
"My book?" Dave's fingers tightened on his briefly. "I'm not working on a book."
Aaron frowned, a sudden thrill of fear that Dave had lost that memory shooting through him. "The... journal you've been writing in?" he suggested, hoping Dave would know what he was talking about.
"Oh." Dave was quiet. "That isn't a book. It's for you." He kissed Aaron's neck. "Well, for you and Jack, I guess."
Aaron slid his hand over Dave's shoulder, still frowning. "For me and Jack?"
"Mm. After I was sick the first time, I realized I wanted to have things down in writing, to sort of work through some of the things I'd experienced, and some of what I'd learned. And after a while I realized I was writing it as if you would be reading it. So I started to do that on purpose. It occurred to me that I have several years on you, and there was a good chance, even though I'd beaten cancer, that I might die before you." Dave kissed Aaron's jaw, then lowered his head to his shoulder again. "I wanted to leave you what I could, and even though you get most of my money and property, I thought maybe my words would mean more to you."
Aaron closed his eyes against the overwhelming sadness that hit him, and tried to ignore the tightening of his throat. "Dave..." he started, then trailed off, realized there wasn't a damn thing he could say.
Dave's fingers tightened on his. "And then I got sick again," he murmured. "And I knew it was more urgent than I'd thought." He stroked his thumb over Aaron's hand.
Aaron drew a deep breath and looked away across the park, not knowing what he was supposed to say, or even how he was supposed to feel. There was a book somewhere, maybe even in their hotel room, that contained Dave's dying thoughts, and it was just waiting for him.
Dave laughed after a moment. It was a subdued sound, but genuine. "And if you want to toss it in the grave with me instead of reading it, don't worry. Won't hurt my feelings." He squeezed Aaron's hand. "I hate that I won't be able to take care of you any more. So I'm doing what I can. I know it's not enough."
Aaron's eyes stung and he closed them again, surprised at how he had been somehow managing to stay composed lately. "I don't want to talk about... putting you in the ground."
"We won't, then," Dave said. His arms went around Aaron and he pulled him close. "We should get Jack some good souvenirs." One hand stroked through Aaron's hair. "We should get you some good souvenirs too. I'm taking as many pictures as I can, but that's not the same."
"Yeah," Aaron agreed weakly, turning into Dave's embrace.
"I love you," Dave whispered, holding him tightly. He held Aaron for a long time, not talking.
Eventually Dave thought they were both fit to be in public again, so they continued walking. They found themselves in a shopping district eventually, with shops that had window displays of all sorts of things. He and Aaron argued over what to get Jack, and they eventually agreed to disagree. Aaron bought him a fisherman's sweater that, admittedly, would look good with the way Jack's hair was darkening. Dave bought him a drum. A bodhran, explained the woman in the shop, and she demonstrated how it was played.
"Our boy is musical," Dave told Aaron, and had the woman agree to ship both of them to America for them. She was probably still trying not to laugh at them as he and Aaron left the store, but Dave didn't really care. He was happy. The morphine was working pretty good, and while it was true that his vision was blurring a lot lately, and he had to struggle more for words sometimes, he didn't care.
He did reach for Aaron's hand a lot as they walked, and he didn't really care how it looked to other people. It occurred to him once, when he caught their reflection in a window, that he looked much older than Aaron these days. It made him a little sad, but he didn't feel old, so he pushed it out of his mind.
"He always likes your gifts better," Aaron complained playfully as they walked away from the shop.
Dave laughed. "That's because I get him things I think he'd like, regardless of whether or not they're practical."
"You spoil him," Aaron said, sounding pleased by that, and running his thumb over Dave's.
"Eh, that's what I'm here for. You're the dad. I'm the cool guy his dad sleeps with." Dave grinned at Aaron and squeezed his hand lightly.
Aaron laughed. "Jack says neither of us are cool, you know. You just think you are."
Dave sighed in mock exasperation. "Someday he'll know better." A store window caught his eye and he paused, looking in at the jewelry. "Anyway, maybe Jack and I have different definitions of cool." He'd always liked Claddagh rings.
"I think you're cool, if it makes a difference," Aaron said, and Dave grinned at how ridiculous that sounded. Aaron was smiling broadly enough that Dave knew he knew it too.
"Well, if you think so, that's all that matters." He glanced over at Aaron, wanting desperately to kiss him even though they were on the sidewalk of a busy street. Instead he just grinned at Aaron for a long moment, then said impulsively, "Let's go in."
Aaron glanced between Dave and the shop, then said, "In here?"
"Yeah." Dave couldn't say what really motivated him to suggest it, but it struck him suddenly that they'd been together for over seven years, but they'd never so much as exchanged rings. It didn't matter; their relationship was committed to the core. But he'd been finding that different things mattered these days. "Come on."
Aaron agreed without a word, he just gave Dave's hand a little tug, and then let Dave lead him into the store. "Are you getting souvenirs for the team too?" he asked.
"You know, that's a good idea," Dave agreed. He wasn't sure if jewelry would be the way to go for any of them, but he liked the idea. "But I actually was thinking of something else."
"Yeah?" Aaron asked.
Dave walked up to a display and Aaron moved in behind him, closer than he normally would have before Dave had ended his treatment. His coat was brushing Dave's back and Dave could feel Aaron's breath on his neck, just barely.
"These," Dave said, pointing. They were men's rings, heavy, not the typical dainty design usually seen on Claddagh rings. Maybe it was a little cheesy. Dave didn't care. They were in Ireland; they ought to get Irish rings.
Aaron's hand brushed Dave's arm. "For us?"
Dave nodded and looked up at him. Maybe Aaron would think it was silly, to buy rings now. It was a little late to look for something to seal the deal when Dave probably only had months left.
Aaron was smiling faintly at him, but he looked a little confused. "We... we've never needed to prove anything, Dave."
"I know," Dave said. "It isn't about proving." He shrugged and looked back at the rings. "Maybe it's silly."
"Not if it's important to you," Aaron said.
"I don't know, I just thought...maybe it would be nice." Dave liked them, but Aaron was right; they didn't need rings to prove anything.
"Would you gentlemen like to see something?" The shopgirl was pretty and had given them a few minutes to browse, but it was clear she wanted to make a sale.
"Yes," Aaron said. Dave glanced up at her, but Aaron was looking at the girl, who had started practically beaming.
"What can I help you with?" she said, and Aaron turned to Dave, waiting for his answer.
"The gold ones," Dave said, pointing at them.
"A very nice choice," she said, pulling them out. Dave got the feeling she would have said that about anything he'd chosen.
"You do like the gold ones?" he asked, looking up at Aaron.
"Yeah," Aaron said.
They tried a couple of designs, but Dave kept going back to the one that had first caught his eye. It was actually a lot like the FBI ring he already wore, but he liked the way it didn't look like a wedding band right off the bat. Aaron would be able to wear it without occasioning comment.
"I should get Emily a necklace," he said, sliding a ring on his finger to check the size. "Maybe an Irish cross or a trinity knot or something."
"She'd like that," Aaron said, then took Dave's hand and held it up to look at the ring on Dave's finger. "This is the one you want?"
"If you like it," Dave said. "They ought to match." He looked at Aaron's hand against his own. He could feel a strange, forlorn feeling welling up inside him and he pushed at it. Enjoy this moment, he told himself. Be happy right now. The future could worry about itself.
"I do like it," Aaron said. He rested his cheek against Dave's shoulder for a moment, then straightened. Dave tried to ignore the way the shopgirl was watching them.
He nodded. "This one, then," he said. "And one that fits you." It felt silly and sort of wonderful that they were just spontaneously buying matching rings. Of course, he wouldn't really have long to regret the decision, so it only really mattered to Aaron. Dave pressed his lips together. "And a necklace for Emily."
Aaron nodded and they found a ring that fit Aaron better than the one he'd been trying. When Dave picked out a necklace, the shopgirl wrapped their purchases up for them. Aaron tried to pay for it, but Dave got his credit card to the girl first, and soon they were heading back out of the shop.
"I could have paid for those," Aaron grumbled.
"It was my idea," Dave said. He grinned at Aaron, who gave him a reluctant smile back. "This is good," he said quietly. "You needed a vacation. I like seeing you smile again."
"I'm not the only one who needed it," Aaron said. He took Dave's hand again as they walked along the street, his smile widening a little. It was good to see Aaron smile, though Dave didn't miss that his smile, except in rare cases when Dave caught him off guard, looked different these days.
"Yeah." Aaron was letting Dave control the pace, which was good. They'd had a full day, and Dave was starting to get tired. He thought maybe a pub would be good, and then heading back to their guest house. "We both did." He looked warmly at Aaron. "Want to get something to eat?"
"Sounds good. Someone dragged me around one thousand year old cathedrals this morning," Aaron teased.
After a leisurely meal in a pub, they got a cab back to their guesthouse and Dave took his shoes off and stretched out for a nap. He got Aaron to lie down with him, so he drifted off to the sound of Aaron's breathing. When he woke, the room was dim and Aaron was sitting by the window, reading from the light coming in there.
Dave smiled and sat up. "Time is it?"
"Two-ish," Aaron said. He closed the book and set it aside, then got up and walked over to the bed. "Time for you to take another pill." He opened the bottle of anti-seizure medicine on the nightstand and handed Dave what he needed, then went for a glass of water. "Feel better?" he asked from the kitchenette.
"Mmm, much better." Dave kissed him before taking the medicine. "I guess I do get a little worn out." He drained the water, then stretched. "But it's been a good week."
"I'm glad you convinced me to go," Aaron admitted, leaning down to kiss Dave again, his fingers stroking Dave's cheek.
"Good." Dave hummed and tangled his fingers in Aaron's hair, pulling him down for another kiss. "Love you."
"Mmm, love you, too," Aaron murmured. "So incredibly much."
Dave grinned at him. "Since you love me, will you wear my ring?" He stole another kiss.
Aaron laughed. "You're asking me now?" he said, sounding amused.
"Well, we bought them, but I think they're still in jewelry boxes somewhere," Dave replied. He tugged Aaron down onto the bed with him and kissed him again. "God, I can't get enough of you."
Aaron smiled and rolled up next to him. "I'm glad. It's mutual." He kissed Dave soundly. "You want to exchange them in bed, though?"
Dave laughed. "It wouldn't be very traditional. Hmm. Maybe we should see if we can take a bottle of wine out into the back garden. Do it out there."
"Whatever you want to do," Aaron said, grinning. He kissed Dave again with a little more hunger.
"Mmm, that's a good answer." Dave wrapped his arms around Aaron and held him tightly, breathing in his scent. "I think that sounds like a good plan."
Aaron ran a hand down Dave's back. "You feel so good," he murmured.
Dave grinned and kissed him. "You're great for my ego, you know that?"
"You look good," Aaron continued, kissing Dave slowly. His fingers slid under the back of Dave's shirt.
"We can exchange rings later," Dave decided breathlessly. He pressed against Aaron, reaching up to run his fingers through the dark hair. "Mmmm, Aaron."
"Wonderful, funny, strong... brave," Aaron whispered, kissing down Dave's neck.
"Mmm, what else?" Dave encouraged, grinning. He arched his neck and tugged at the back of Aaron's shirt, wanting bare skin under his fingers.
"Smart, compassionate, loving," Aaron said, and Dave could hear the smile in his voice as he nipped at Dave's skin. Aaron's hand slid down to Dave's ass. "Perfect for me."
"God!" Dave gasped, pulling Aaron's shirt off over his head. He splayed his fingers against Aaron's back. "You're so sexy and eloquent."
Aaron chuckled. "More."
"And handsome," Dave whispered. "I love your voice. I love your lips." He kissed Aaron slowly.
"I love you," Aaron whispered. "Wish it wasn't so impractical to spend the rest of our lives making love."
Dave laughed quietly. "You know the best part about us, Aaron?" he said, brushing his fingers through his hair. "It's all making love with you." Another kiss. "Our life together has been so good."
Aaron sucked in a breath and pulled back to look at Dave. After a moment, his eyes went slightly shiny, then he made a hungry noise and just kissed Dave again.
Dave held him tightly, drawing the kiss out. He knew Aaron would never doubt the strength of Dave's feelings, but he wanted to make sure he did everything possible to assure Aaron of how he felt.
"You need to be naked," Aaron said, his voice husky, and he tugged Dave's shirt off.
"Mmm, okay." Dave made sure Aaron didn't pull the morphine tubing with the shirt, then reached down to undo Aaron's pants. "You do too."
"Aren't you glad I thought of this?" Aaron let Dave undress him, then worked on returning the favor.
"Very," Dave breathed. "Hang on." He rolled over to take one of his little blue pills. He probably should have taken it a bit sooner, but they could draw out the foreplay for a little while. God, he loved touching Aaron.
The next hour or so was spent touching and kissing and murmuring praises at one another. Aaron seemed to need to feel Dave lately, so Dave took, and soon they were collapsing back against the mattress again, sweaty and sated.
Dave needed another nap.
They ended up snuggling for a long while as Dave recovered his energy. Eventually they got up and went down to the little eatery in the guesthouse. They had no trouble getting a meal and a bottle of wine to take out to the back garden, where as it turned out there was a picnic table set up for that purpose.
Dave slid his hand across the table to enfold Aaron's. "This has been a very good day," he murmured, smiling.
"It really has," Aaron said, squeezing Dave's fingers. He lifted Dave's hand and brushed his lips against Dave's knuckles.
"I can't think of much that would make it better," Dave said. Then he pulled out the box with their rings and slid it onto the table. "Except this."
Aaron smiled and shook his head. "Has anyone ever told you what a hopeless romantic you are?"
Dave tilted his head. "You, quite a few times, I'm pretty sure," he said. "But you're the only one to make that heinous accusation."
"Only because I know you can't shoot me over it. You'd have no one to be sappy with if you killed me." Aaron smiled at him, then reached for the box, picking the slightly larger one that belonged to Dave out.
"You must think I'm soft on you or something," Dave muttered. He grinned at Aaron and then looked down at the ring in his hand. Aaron was going to put it on him, he realized with a silly pulse of pleasure. It shouldn't mean so much. It shouldn't mean anything. They hadn't needed promises between them, let alone a ring. But somehow it did mean something. Dave held out his hand and raised his gaze to meet Aaron's.
Aaron closed his fingers on Dave's hand and tilted his head. "I know this is supposed to go on some certain direction..."
"Er...heart pointing in, I think it said, if your heart is taken." Dave smiled at him.
"Is it?" Aaron teased quietly.
"Has been for almost a decade now," Dave said.
Aaron smiled and went to put the ring on Dave, then paused. "I feel like I ought to say something. You didn't really give me time to prepare," he said, then squeezed Dave's hand, obviously not wanting Dave to respond to that. He drew a deep breath. "I'm not entirely sure what to say that you don't already know. But I think that's why we work sometimes. We don't have to say anything; we just know what the other needs. I don't know how that happened, and it's never happened to me before you, but it's the most amazing thing I've ever known, to be so well understood by someone I love and admire every single day," he said. "I love you, Dave. Today, next month, a year from now, ten years from now... I will always love you." His eyes were a little shiny, and he bit his lips together, then slid the ring on Dave's finger.
Aaron's words brought tears to Dave's eyes. He stared down at the gold band and swallowed hard. "Aaron," he breathed, and then faltered, grasping for words. "I've never known a man as good and true and passionate as you. And I'm grateful every day that you love me, of all people." He smiled, even though the tears were dangerously close to spilling over. "I will love you for the rest of my life, and that would be true even if I had another hundred years to live." He ducked his head as his control slipped, then looked back up. "You are my solid ground." He slid Aaron's ring onto his finger, ignoring the stinging in his eyes.
Aaron sniffed, obviously close to tears himself, but he was holding himself together. "God, Dave," he whispered, looking at the ring on his finger. After a moment he laughed. "We should have done this years ago." Obviously Aaron was feeling this too, even if they'd never thought they needed it before.
Aaron looked back up and took Dave's hand in both of his. "I love you so much," he said, his eyes watery.
Dave gripped Aaron's hand and nodded, trying to reign himself back in. "Aaron," he whispered, smiling at him.
"I love you," Aaron repeated. He drew a long, shaky breath, then glanced around the garden. They were mostly alone, except for a family some distance away that were too tied up in what they were doing to pay Dave and Aaron any attention. Aaron looked back at Dave and gave him a small smile. "Aren't we supposed to kiss?" he suggested.
Dave managed a choked laugh. "Yeah, I think so," he said, and leaned in for a kiss, cupping his free hand against Aaron's cheek.
Aaron hummed happily against Dave's mouth, then deepened the kiss a little. It was strange being so affectionate in public, but given the circumstances, neither of them seemed to care too much.
Dave shifted closer, his fingers sliding into Aaron's hair. He wished his love could sustain Aaron somehow through the days that were coming. He wanted so much to make everything easier.
Aaron finally drew a long, content breath and pulled back. "I love you," he whispered, then smiled and laughed, seemingly realizing that he'd been saying that over and over.
Dave laughed too, stroking his fingers through Aaron's hair. "I love you too," he replied. "And you can keep telling me that as often as you want." He leaned in and brushed his lips against Aaron's softly. "I intend to say it to you forever."
Aaron hummed, and sat back in his chair, watching Dave for a moment. They he looked out across the garden. He seemed happy, if a little thoughtful. "I think we started the honeymoon a little soon, but we have plenty left."
"We'll just call it a destination wedding. Isn't that the term they use for eloping these days?" Dave grinned.
Aaron laughed and looked back at Dave. "Is that what we're doing?"
"It kinda is, isn't it?" Dave squeezed Aaron's hand. "Thank you."
"Why are you thanking me?" Aaron said.
"Because I'm grateful. For everything." He let his gaze trace over Aaron's features.
"So am I," Aaron murmured, squeezing Dave's hand. "Every day."
***
They spent the next several days on a leisurely drive south along the eastern coast of Ireland, through Enniskerry and Glendalough, taking time to stop and explore Sixth Century monastery ruins and seaside holiday resorts. In Waterford, Dave picked out gifts for JJ and Haley, with Aaron's careful input on the crystal for Haley. They saw the Titanic's last port of call before sinking and when they stopped outside Cork at Blarney Castle, Dave made Aaron pose for a picture kissing the Blarney Stone. He even took a picture with his cell phone and made Aaron send it to Garcia, who he knew would pass it along to the rest of the team.
By the end of the week they were in County Galway, where Dave insisted on seeing Kylemore Abbey. He'd always seen pictures of it, he said, and now that he knew where it was, he wanted to go there. They spent two nights in Galway, because Aaron could tell Dave was getting run down, even by the relaxed pace they'd been taking.
He'd noticed Dave using the morphine pump more, too. It was always connected, with a certain amount of morphine dispensed automatically per hour, but Dave had a little button he could use to dose himself with more on an as-needed basis. Dave had never liked admitting he was in pain, so he didn't make a fuss over it, but he seemed a little fuzzier than usual at times, and occasionally Aaron saw him fiddling with the pack at his waist that held the pump.
He was getting used to the way the rings felt when they held hands. Aaron still wasn't sure about the rings; he knew eventually that getting 'married' in a garden in Ireland was going to be a wonderful memory, but he couldn't help also thinking about how painful it was going to be soon enough. Still, it felt better to have this symbol of their relationship than he had expected.
Dave had decided on Ashford Castle for their last leg of the trip, and Aaron knew he was looking forward to the clay pigeon range, but Aaron was getting less and less convinced that Dave should be handling a gun with the level of morphine he was probably using. He wondered if he could convince Dave to golf instead.
When they arrived at the castle, Aaron couldn't help but be impressed by the size of the castle. Their suite was gorgeous, and he had to wonder how much Dave had budgeted for their trip. Not that it mattered; Dave liked the finer things in life, but he'd always been good at managing his money, and he had a lot of money. They settled into their rooms, then went down to the restaurant in the dungeon for drinks and a late lunch. Afterwards they walked out to the gardens.
Dave was walking slowly, but he looked happy. After a while his hand found Aaron's.
"This is gorgeous," Aaron said, his thumb stroking over Dave's. "It's... huge."
"Good choice?" Dave asked. He smiled over at Aaron. "Thought we could get a taste of how the gentry live."
"Apparently pretty well," Aaron said.
Dave laughed. "The bed looked comfortable," he said, his voice sly. They'd had more sex in the past week and a half than they had in months. Dave didn't seem to be getting tired of it, either.
Aaron grinned. "I'm more worried about the company than the mattress."
"Sorry, I think you're stuck with me." Dave squeezed his hand, then his steps faltered. "Dizzy," he mumbled, leaning on Aaron.
Aaron moved to wrap his arm around Dave, his heart speeding a little with worry. "Need to sit?"
"Mm, yeah, please." Dave leaned more heavily on him, closing his eyes, and made a surprised noise. "Weird."
"What's wrong?" Aaron asked, guiding Dave to the nearest place to sit. He ran his hand over Dave's side once they were sitting, watching his lover closely.
"Just..." Dave shook his head, then winced. "Nnh. Just came over me really fast." He took a couple quick breaths. "C'n I lean on you?"
"You already are," Aaron said, smiling even as his heart thudded against his ribs. He pulled Dave closer and kissed the side of his head. "Just dizzy? Are you hurting?"
"M'okay." Dave was still sort of panting, but he looked more bewildered than anything. "Doesn't hurt. Heh. Too much morphine in me."
Aaron closed his eyes and breathed deeply, then just kissed Dave again. "Need to go back to the room?" he whispered.
"Nah, nah, just need to breathe for a minute." Dave sighed and turned his head to press his forehead against Aaron's neck. "Just weird, tha's all. Don't think it's the drugs. Think it's my brain."
Aaron stilled at those words, trying not to react. Still, a wash of cold went through him. He ducked his head to meet Dave's gaze for a moment, then just rubbed his shoulder, looking back at the grounds and wondering what he could even say to that. God, this was only going to get worse.
"Mmm. Love you," Dave said. His hand found Aaron's and traced gently over the ring.
"I love you too," Aaron whispered, turning his hand so he could squeeze Dave's. His throat felt tight, but he thought his voice sounded normal. "Don't ever forget that." As soon as he said it, he wondered if Dave would. Doctor Morgan had said he was going to start having more and more memory holes, and Aaron suddenly had to push away the seizing fear that Dave might spend his last days not even knowing who Aaron was.
"I'll never forget that," Dave promised. He lifted his head and kissed Aaron gently. "Never."
Aaron wanted to make him promise, but that was a promise Dave couldn't make. Instead, Aaron just kissed him again.
Dave made a quiet noise and drew out the kiss, then rested his head against Aaron's shoulder for a moment. "Let's walk a little further," he murmured. "I'm feeling better."
Aaron nodded and stood, helping Dave up. He didn't stop holding him as they walked. He couldn't. He kept his arms securely around Dave's waist, telling himself it was in case Dave had another stumble. Really, he knew he just wanted to be close, and he had a feeling Dave knew that too, since he wasn't telling Aaron to stop fussing.
The garden really was pretty, and it was private while still allowing them to enjoy the outdoors. Aaron was ready to go in before Dave was, but it was nice to see Dave feeling good enough to walk, so he didn't press the matter. Eventually they headed back to the castle, though Dave suggested they sit in one of the parlors for a while. There was a fire crackling in the fireplace, and a leather sofa in front of it, and no one else was really around.
Dave settled close to Aaron and they were quiet for a little while, watching the flames and relaxing in the warmth. After a while, Aaron drew a long breath. "I'm afraid I'm not strong enough for this," he whispered, staring at the fire.
"Aaron," Dave murmured. He was silent for a moment, then said, "I'll understand if it's too hard." He drew a breath as if he were going to say more, but didn't. He laced his fingers with Aaron's and stroked the fingertips of his free hand along Aaron's.
"I know," Aaron said. It didn't matter, though. Not really. Even if it was understandable, it didn't make Aaron feel like his weakness was any more forgivable, or any less of a burden. It didn't make it okay that being weak and miserable was the last way Dave would ever see him.
"You know I love you," Dave whispered. "This is hard. Hell, it's hard for me, knowing what it's doing to you."
Aaron huffed a laugh. "You don't need to worry yourself with me. That's the point." He shook his head, wishing he hadn't said anything.
Dave snorted. "You're really all I have to worry about," he said. "I know what's happening to me. I got no choice but to go along for the ride." He pulled back and looked up into Aaron's face, tracing fingers along his jaw. "You're the one who needs someone to worry about you." Because I won't be able to any more, hung unspoken between them.
Aaron shook his head. "I'd say this isn't how I want you to remember me, but that doesn't really make sense, does it?"
Dave huffed a laugh and shook his head. "No, but yes." He cupped his palm against Aaron's cheek. "Aaron, nothing could ever change my opinion of you. I have never respected and admired and loved anyone as much as I do you."
I'm scared, Aaron thought, but he knew Dave knew that. After a moment, he slumped against Dave's side and looked back at the fire. "Let's talk about something else." He smiled faintly. "Tell me a joke."
Dave snorted. "Okay, so a coupla cops in San Antonio are investigating Juan's murder, and can't figure anything out. They call the ballistics guy and he says all he can tell them is that the weapon was a golf gun. 'What the hell's a golf gun?' says one of the cops. He says, 'I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.'"
Aaron laughed, then turned to smiled at Dave. He was pleased when Dave smiled back. Yeah, it was stupid, but it had helped anyway, and Aaron felt his shoulders relax. He slid his hand over Dave's knee and squeezed. "Thank you. Got any more?"
"God, you know how many stupid jokes I know, Aaron." He kissed his jaw briefly. "Okay, a blonde calls an airline and asks how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to London. The airline employee says, 'Let me look, just a minute'. The blonde says, 'Okay, thanks!' and hangs up."
That one made Aaron groan. "You resorted to a blonde joke on the second one? Really?"
"You caught me off guard," Dave protested.
"Excuses, excuses" Aaron said.
"Shh. I want to hear a joke from you."
Aaron made a face. "I don't tell jokes. I'm not the great David Rossi."
Dave snorted. "You're funny. You just like to pretend you're humorless and stern."
"Mmm," Aaron hummed. "I love you."
Dave grinned. "Is that your joke?"
"Yes," Aaron deadpanned, fighting a smile. "I'm only snuggling you publicly because it's the image I like the rest of the world to see."
Dave laughed. "Well, it's a good public image, I suppose. Since I'm so handsome and rich." He grinned at Aaron.
Aaron smiled and kissed Dave's jaw.
Sometime later, when a young couple wandered into the parlor, Dave and Aaron went upstairs. Dave needed a nap, and Aaron sat on the bed and watched him sleep. It was strange how Dave could have moments of so much strength, but still seem so tired and frail at times. Aaron appreciated that Dave wasn't trying to hide his moments of weakness any more, but they still scared him.
He supposed Dave knew that.
Aaron was almost dreading the end of their vacation, and he didn't like thinking about the fact that they only had four more days to drive back to Dublin and fly home. When they got back to the States they were going to have to face family and friends, knowing that each visit they made--a stop in Jersey, a flight to Chicago, and then home--was going to be Dave's last.
Aaron was tempted, for the first time in a long time, to get into the mini bar and drink too much, but Dave was in no condition to take care of a drunk man, and couldn't really join Aaron.
He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, trying to fight the stinging in his eyes. He wished he could join Dave in sleep, if just so he didn't have to think. But then his dreams had been growing darker these days anyway. He sniffed hard and wiped a tear that fell, then forced himself to calm down.
Dave's sleep was peaceful, and Aaron wondered sometimes if it was because of the morphine, or if he had just reached the point where no nightmare was as bad as what he was going through. Dave would never have to worry about going through it alone...but Aaron couldn't help feeling scared at how, eventually, he would be going through things alone. At some point Dave would no longer be able to help him. Whenever Aaron's thoughts turned in that direction, he found himself missing his brother...and then getting angry again. And in Sean's absence, Georgie and Felicia would be a source of strength...but the thought of Felicia cut him emotionally now too.
He didn't know if he had ever felt so alone.
Eventually, Aaron shifted down to lie next to Dave, facing him, but he just reached out to touch his arm gently, afraid anything more might wake Dave. He liked the reassuring warmth of Dave's skin under his hand. How much longer would he have that? How much longer would he have the one person he trusted with everything? Don't leave me, he thought, but the foolish desperation only made it worse.
He could feel when Dave's sleep grew shallower; his lover shifted under his hand and eventually began gravitating towards him. Dave had always been a secret snuggler, wanting physical contact, and Aaron was used to waking up with Dave pressed against him. What would he do in that huge bed all by himself?
You can't do this to me, he thought, watching Dave. Rationally he knew it made no sense to be angry at Dave, but arguing with his emotions didn't change them.
He clenched his jaw when Dave made a noise and shifted up close to him. His heart was racing now, and he almost didn't want to hold Dave. He wanted to yell at him. Another tear fell and dripped off his nose; this time Aaron didn't bother to wipe it away.
Dave made a quiet noise in his sleep, then drew in a long breath. After a moment he mumbled something that might be Aaron's name. Aaron wasn't sure if he was still asleep or waking up.
Aaron sighed and forcibly made his shoulders relax. He wiped his face in case Dave woke, and wrapped an arm around Dave. Be mad at the cancer, he told himself. He wasn't sure it would work.
"Wuzzit?" Dave mumbled. He sounded half asleep still at least.
"Shh," Aaron whispered.
Dave grunted and was silent for a moment. "Somethin' wrong?" he said finally.
"No," Aaron lied and kissed Dave's forehead. There was nothing wrong that Dave could fix.
"Mmm." Dave snuggled up against him and stroked a hand along Aaron's side. "Love you."
Aaron drew a deep breath and told himself firmly to let the anger go. "I love you too."
Dave made a contented noise and kissed Aaron's neck.
Aaron sighed and closed his eyes. This vacation was supposed to be about relaxing and enjoying the time they had, but Dave's earlier stumble had scared him, and right now that seemed impossible.
After a while Dave sighed. "You're tense," he muttered, sounding less sleepy than he had a few minutes ago.
Sometimes Aaron thought it was a curse as much as a blessing that Dave read him so well. "I'm fine," he whispered.
"Liar," Dave murmured. He kissed Aaron's neck again.
"Shut up," Aaron said, but his voice was gentle.
"Hmm." Dave shifted and kissed Aaron's mouth, then pushed up on one elbow. "What's wrong?"
"You're ignoring me?" Aaron said. He kissed Dave again and whispered, "Shh," when the kiss broke.
"Mmm. Because something's wrong. You're holding out on me, Aaron." Dave looked like he was getting cross.
Aaron sighed. "It's nothing anyone can fix. Can we please drop it?"
"Fine." Dave settled back down and snuggled against Aaron, but now he felt tense too.
Aaron just tensed more. Now Dave was angry with him, but Aaron pressed his lips together and told himself just to let Dave drop it. It was what he wanted. "What are we doing with the rest of our day?" he murmured after a few moments of silence.
"We could do one of those lake cruises," Dave said. "Or maybe see about getting in some shooting."
Aaron didn't say anything right away, wondering if Dave was going to be upset with his apprehensions about him shooting. Finally, though, he said it. "I'm not sure you should be handling a gun on morphine."
Dave sighed. "Shit." He was silent for a moment. "You can get some shooting in and I can ogle you while you shoot."
"I'm sorry," Aaron murmured, kissing Dave's head.
"Well, you are sexy when you shoot. Too bad it's not a pistol range." Dave slumped against Aaron.
Aaron huffed a laugh, but he really just felt sort of guilty about shooting in front of Dave when it was part of the reason Dave wanted to come here. "We could play golf instead," he suggested.
"Don't know if we could get a tee time this late in the day," Dave muttered. But he kissed Aaron. "We could call the concierge and find out."
Aaron nodded and kiss Dave's cheek. "Okay."
They did manage to get a tee time, though, and Dave played a pretty good game despite another brief dizzy spell on the eighth hole. Aaron shot lower than he did, but Aaron was a better player than Dave, even if neither of them devoted a whole lot of time to their golf game, generally speaking.
The next day they had a session with the estate falconer and got to work with the birds themselves. They had an early afternoon tee time, and reservations for dinner in the George V room, where jackets were required. They hadn't done much fancy dining on their trip, but the chef at Ashford was supposed to be very good. As it turned out, they'd heard right and enjoyed a delicious meal, after which they headed back to their suite.
Their vacation--their honeymoon--in Ireland was winding down, and part of Aaron was afraid to see it end. He was almost afraid that, once their vacation was over, Dave would have no further reason to be strong. And Aaron wasn't ready to let him go.
By the time they started their trip back to Dublin, Dave seemed to be wearing down a little more. They only had a set number of days to drive in to make their flight, though, and they'd spent extra time on the trip to Ashford, so they didn't have any to spare to let Dave slow down. Not that they were moving fast by any means.
The drive was beautiful, and Aaron tried to take it all in, trying to pretend that it didn't bother him that Dave spent so much of it sleeping in the seat next to him.
When he was awake, he seemed more contemplative than usual, alternating between staring out the window and watching Aaron. Their last night in Ireland they stayed in a nice bed and breakfast outside Dublin, and Dave was quiet but seemed to need more contact. They went to bed early, curled up together under a hand-made quilt in a four-poster bed.
Aaron turned the lights out and pressed a kiss to Dave's neck. "Talk to me," he whispered.
"What do you want to talk about?" Dave asked, equally softly.
"What's been on your mind all day," Aaron said. "But really, you can just talk to me. I love your voice."
Dave hummed thoughtfully, his arm tightening around Aaron. "It's not so much that anything's been on my mind as that I've...wanted to soak it all in. I've wanted to feel this."
"Mmm," Aaron hummed. He shifted closer, ridiculously letting Dave 'feel' him a little more. He only wished just feeling was as easy for him.
"I love you," Dave murmured. "I feel like I could tell you a million times and never say enough how much I treasure you."
"I know it, Dave," Aaron whispered.
Dave's fingers slipped through his hair. "Don't ever forget."
"You know I won't." Aaron kissed Dave's neck.
"I know." Dave took a deep breath. "I'm tired. It's sort of nice to know we have home to look forward to after Chicago."
Aaron sighed. That visit was going to be utterly miserable. "I'm sort of dreading home," he admitted.
Dave sighed. "Yeah, I know," he whispered.
Aaron sighed too and kissed Dave's neck again. "I love you."
"Mm. I know." Dave wrapped his arms around Aaron and kissed him.
Aaron didn't want to stop talking. He wanted to have Dave as fully as he could for the rest of Dave's life. But Dave was obviously tired, and exhausting him was only going to make this harder on both of them. "I love you," he repeated after a silence. "Sleep."
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no subject
Date: 2009-09-28 07:00 am (UTC)I'm glad that they "got married". I have been kinda secretly hoping for it ever since the beginning/knowing the concept of the story. I'm normally a hugely anti mush and anti wedding type, but somehow in this I so want them to do hyper mushy stuff like watch sunsets together or visit one of those "if you circle these rocks three times you and your sweetheart will be together forever" places (I mean, doesn't every tourist place have some of those things).
Also, my inner Catholic is very pleased at Dave's enjoyment of visiting churches.
I liked Hotch getting to have his moment of weakness silently being mad at Dave. Hotch's feelings matter, dammit!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-28 07:05 am (UTC)Which really goes back to me to the "maybe I need you to fall apart so I can be strong" convo, which is probably my favorite of the story. I think that's what works so much about them as a couple that they are such a perfectly synchronized team you just know it would never be an issue/something to hold against the other if one of them had a freakout. Because they are master catchers of the other and it just is a natural part of their relationship.
I really liked the bit about the book. I actually should have mentioned that when we got the first glimpses of it, but I actually think that that is such a wonderful style. I have some really, amazing fic even on pairings I didn't care for that were written in letter or "book for you I don't even know whether you'll ever read it" form. Though I do think it would need a situation this dire for Rossi to do something like this.
There was a book somewhere, maybe even in their hotel room, that contained Dave's dying thoughts, and it was just waiting for him.
And in the middle of it all this made me smile a little because it just seemsed so Hotch.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-29 12:11 am (UTC)I'm glad you liked that about the book. It's an aspect of Rossi we've seen hinted at, both with the little notebooks he uses to organize his thoughts on cases, as well as his bestselling books. I wanted to take that a little further so he could try to always be there for Aaron, even after he's dead.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-28 11:58 pm (UTC)They never really thought it was important to promise each other forever, but suddenly they found out that forever for them wasn't as long as most people get, and priorities sort of shifted.
Dave is definitely still very Catholic, even if he's in a relationship with a man. He can't help being fascinated with church history. *G*
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Date: 2009-09-29 01:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-29 01:44 am (UTC)