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geekystudmuffinTitle: The Last Best Days
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innerslytherin and severity_softly
Artist:tli
Pairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 147,800
Summary: Futurefic--Shortly before Dave turns sixty, he is diagnosed with a grade III brain tumor. He and Aaron have to come to terms with what this means for their relationship. Eventually the team has to help Aaron say goodbye.
Notes: Heavy angst. Lots of medical detail. Character death. This fic would not exist without the extensive help, support, encouragement, and hand-holding fromresolucidity, who served as our medical consultant throughout.
Master post
Chapter Thirteen
Later in the day, Dave napped while Aaron straightened up the house a little for Haley and Jack's arrival. Dave's reading material was scattered around the living room and kitchen--a testament to his ebbing energy levels, since he'd always been extremely fussy about putting things back where they belonged.
Aaron carried a stack of books into Dave's study and set them on the corner of his desk...then froze, staring at the stack of pamphlets already there. Coping With Advanced Cancer, When Cancer Returns, When Someone You Love Has Advanced Cancer...Preparation at the End of Life.
He stared at them for a long moment, unsure if he should even touch them, and ridiculously wondering how poorly he was doing taking care of Dave compared to how that one booklet said he should be.
He took a deep breath, then gathered them up, putting them in the desk drawer without opening any of them. He went back to cleaning, trying to forget he'd seen them.
It was stupid. The denial. Aaron knew it too, and yet somehow he couldn't help not wanting to know everything, no matter what he'd told Dave. He wanted to know what he needed to know to help Dave, to make sure he was taking care of himself and feeling as good as he could; he didn't want to be the last one to know things or be kept in the dark... but this...
Feeling a horrible urge to cry, Aaron left the study and headed for the guest bedroom. He ought to put clean sheets on the bed, and make sure there were clean towels in the bathroom. He would think about all that later.
Dave wandered into the kitchen when Aaron was doing dishes. He pressed against Aaron's back and wrapped his arms around him. "You're working too hard," he murmured, kissing Aaron's neck.
"No, I'm not," Aaron said. "I spent most of the morning reading." He sounded pleased that they'd done that, regardless of his initial teasing.
"Hmm." Dave nibbled lightly at Aaron's skin, then closed his eyes, breathing in his lover's scent. "It's nice to have you home with me," he murmured.
Aaron sucked in a breath and let out a pleased noise, then leaned back a little. "Nice to relax," Aaron murmured, though Dave knew Aaron wasn't really relaxing.
Dave smiled. "We'll relax later," he promised. Then he sucked in a breath. God, he didn't want to do this. But he'd spent half of his 'nap' lying in bed and telling himself they needed to talk about this. "I want us to talk," he murmured finally.
Aaron turned his head so that his cheek was against Dave's head. "About what?" He sounded a little less content already.
Dave sighed. "About the future."
He felt Aaron tense, but Aaron didn't say anything.
"I think we need to discuss where we're at and what's coming," Dave said, forcing himself to sound firm. "Before Jack and Haley get here. I want us to be on the same page."
Aaron sucked in a deep breath, then let it out. "God."
"Please, Aaron. We need to talk about it. The drugs aren't working." Dave closed his eyes and thought about the arrangements he'd already made. He needed to talk Aaron around before he had to change their reservations. "And I'm fucking miserable all the time."
"I'm sorry," Aaron said, strains of grief already running through his voice.
"You don't have anything to be sorry for," Dave said, tightening his arms. "You've been with me every step of the way. No one ever had a more supportive partner." He held in a sigh. "But I need you to try to understand why I'm thinking about stopping the treatment."
Aaron sniffed loudly. "I know. I just..." He drew a shaky breath. "I want you to live so much it hurts."
Dave's throat tightened and he swallowed hard. "I know," he whispered. "I do too, Aaron. I really want it." He cleared his throat and took a deep breath. "But I have to admit that, barring a miracle, I don't get that. So I need to think about what I do get. I need to figure out how to make what I get be the best it can be. And--" He choked and fought against sudden tears. "And I can't do that," he managed, "without your help."
Aaron made a little gaspy noise, then just whispered, "God."
Dave wrapped his arms tighter around Aaron and kissed his shoulder. He wanted to apologize, to say they didn't have to face facts if Aaron didn't want to. But he felt like it would be better if they were honest. And he really didn't want to change those reservations.
"I'm so scared," Aaron said finally, and his voice was smaller than Dave had ever heard it.
"Me too," Dave admitted. God, if only he could take this away from Aaron. If only he could somehow spare him this pain. "I wish I could help."
"I told Jack. Yesterday. I told him you were getting sicker," Aaron said. Dave could tell he was crying, even if Dave couldn't see his face.
A pang of sorrow went through Dave. "Was he okay?"
"He said he'd been reading about chemo, and he told me he read it didn't always work." Aaron held his breath for a moment. "And he asked if it was working. I... couldn't lie to him."
Dave took the evasion to mean Jack wasn't okay. "He was reading about chemo?" He sighed. "Why don't we go sit down."
Aaron wiped his face and nodded, then turned around. His eyes were red. "He got a book at the library."
Dave sighed and cupped Aaron's cheek. "Maybe we should've told him more. I thought he knew he could ask us any questions he wanted." He pulled Aaron into his arms and kissed his jaw. "We're going to make it, Aaron. We're going to be okay."
Aaron laughed sadly. "There's nothing about this that's okay."
"I know." Dave sighed. He kissed him again. "Well. We're together. This would be a hell of a lot worse if I didn't have you."
"There's nothing okay about this, and we're not going to make it," Aaron said.
"You're repeating yourself," Dave said. "That's my job."
"It's..." Aaron shook his head. "I don't want you to be miserable. I don't want to lose you before I've lost you, but God I don't want to lose you at all. I don't know how I could live in this house, or go back to work, or fucking breathe."
The words felt like they drove a spike through Dave's gut. He stared at Aaron, trying to think of anything he could say... but there were no words. There was nothing. He just shook his head, watching Aaron.
Tears were rolling down Aaron's cheeks, and he looked up at the ceiling, obviously trying to reign back whatever it was that let him say that. "I'm sorry," he said.
Dave finally found his voice. "How many times do I have to tell you not to fucking apologize?" he asked quietly. He lifted a hand to touch Aaron's cheek. "This is something I can't fix for you, and I hate it. I hate that I'm making you hurt like this."
"It's not your fault. It is my fault that I'm making you feel that way, though." Aaron sighed and lowered his head to Dave's shoulder.
"Look, can we dispense with the guilt?" Dave said. "God. Your feelings are just as important as mine, Aaron." He wondered if he could get Derek and Spencer to remind Aaron of that on a daily basis after he died. A moment later he realized that was sort of a morbid thought. He hugged Aaron and nudged him gently. "Let's go sit down. The dishes will wait."
Aaron nodded and moved away from the counter. "Do you want a drink?" he said, sounding sort of defeated.
"I want you," Dave said. "Come sit."
"How are you feeling?" Aaron asked, his voice shaky, but he made his way into the living room anyway.
"I feel tired," Dave said, following. "But the nap helped. Mostly at the moment I'm feeling sad and a little bit sorry for myself."
"Yeah," Aaron said, settling on the couch, looking lost.
Dave sat next to him. "Was that oversharing?" He curled his fingers with Aaron's, rubbing his thumb over his lover's skin.
"No, I was saying I felt the same way," Aaron murmured.
Dave grunted a laugh and kissed Aaron quickly. "I wish I could help."
"I wish a lot of things," Aaron said.
"Tell me how I can help you, Aaron," Dave said.
"Either find a cure for cancer, or find us a time machine so we can go back and do it all over again, even if it's the exact same way. Or so you can go way back and avoid everything carcinogenic that ever so much as looked at you, let alone touched you," Aaron said, his voice flat.
"Ah...maybe you ought to have Spencer work on that cure for cancer thing," Dave said. He sighed. "Sometimes I think it's life that causes cancer. I've known people who never smoked a day in their lives who died of lung cancer. I don't feel like this is fair, but I don't really think life is fair. You just...do the best with what you got."
"I've got nothing without you and Jack," Aaron said.
"You've got yourself," Dave said. "You've got the team. And you aren't losing Jack. Just me." He had more to say, about how they didn't even know if the chemo was prolonging his life, and how he might have a long time left...but suddenly he couldn't get any more words out.
"That's enough," Aaron said.
Dave wasn't going to lose it again. He'd spent enough time crying over this. Of course, the stinging in his eyes didn't seem to believe him. He took a deep breath. "Aaron, you got through your divorce. I know it's not the same, but...you learned to live for yourself then, instead of for your wife. You just..." Dave closed his eyes. "You have to make it. You have to promise me you'll make it, or I won't have the courage to let go."
"I'm not living for you, Dave, I'm living with you. Which is how I want to live."
Dave rubbed his eyes. "I think we've crossed the line from 'a little bit sorry for myself' to 'a whole hell of a lot sorry for myself'," he said, and looked at Aaron. "I can't change what's happened to me. I wish to God I could, but I can't. And I want to live with you every day for the rest of my life. Even if it's only another six months."
Aaron pressed his lips together, his jaw tightening, but he didn't say anything. He just stared at the wall across the room, looking somehow blank and deep in thoughtful at the same time.
"Look, I'm sorry," Dave said. "And I'm sick to death of saying I'm sorry, because I still can't do a damn thing about it, no matter how sorry I am." He leaned forward and propped one elbow on his knees, though he kept his other hand wrapped around Aaron's. "I don't know how to make you happy any more, because the one thing that would make you happy, I can't do." He rubbed his face.
"You do make me happy. I'm... the most unhappy I've ever been, but you still make me happy." Aaron shifted a little on the cushion, and Dave felt him sit back. "But if you're hoping for even the smallest glimmer of happiness right now, while we're talking about ending your treatment, you're going to have to just keep hoping."
"What does that mean?" Dave asked quietly.
"What do you mean, 'what does it mean'?"
"What do you want me to hope for right now? Are you saying that while we're talking about ending treatment, you want me to keep hoping it'll work? Or that I'll get a miracle? Because I keep hoping for a miracle. Fuck, I'm praying, I'm begging for a miracle. But I'm trying to act like I'm not going to get it, so I don't spend the rest of my time bargaining with false hope."
Aaron laughed sadly. "No. I meant that you should give up trying to make me happy when I'm conceding defeat."
Dave sighed and squeezed Aaron's hand. "Am I asking too much of you?"
"Yes, but it has to be asked," Aaron said. He leaned over and rested his head on Dave's shoulder.
Dave pressed his cheek against the top of Aaron's head. "I love you, Aaron." He wrapped both hands around Aaron's and stopped fighting the stinging in his eyes. "I love you so much." A single tear escaped and tickled its way down his cheek.
Aaron returned the embrace. "I know. I love you too," he whispered, his fingers tangling in Dave's shirt.
"You know," Dave said, ignoring that a second tear was slipping down, "we're pretty lucky. How many people get to have what we've had, huh?"
Aaron took a deep breath. "I don't know," he murmured.
"Not many," Dave whispered. "Aaron, I want to go to Ireland."
"What?" Aaron said. He pulled back and looked at Dave. His eyes were glassy, but he looked confused.
"I want to go to Ireland. With you. I want to see castles and drink Guinness." Dave kissed Aaron softly. "If I could shake this fatigue, we could probably go in a few weeks."
Aaron watched him for a minute, then he sighed and rubbed his hand over his eyes. "You want to--?" He shook his head. "Taking a trip is the last thing I can even think about right now."
"That's why we need to do it," Dave said. He'd expected Aaron to protest. But Dave had some things he wanted to do before he died, and Ireland was on the top of the list. "If we stop treatment, I'm not going to spend the rest of my life waiting to die. That's not the point. The point is to make the most of whatever I have left." He waited until Aaron looked at him again. "I want to go to Ireland with you."
Aaron looked like he didn't no what to say, as if he couldn't make a decision. He rubbed his eyes again, then just pressed his palm over them. "Maybe when Haley's here, I can... call..."
Dave pulled Aaron into his arms. "You don't have to call anybody. We fly outta New York next month. You just have to bring your passport and promise you'll be there with me."
Aaron let out a gusty breath. "You already booked a flight?" His arms tightened on Dave. "I should be taking care of you, not..." He sighed. "It doesn't have to be Ireland. It could be anywhere you want."
"I want Ireland," Dave said. Actually he didn't care. What he cared about was going somewhere Aaron wanted to go. Watching Aaron see Ireland sounded like a good way to spend the rest of his life. Or at least a couple of weeks of it. "I want Ireland with you."
"I love you," Aaron whispered, turning his head and kissing Dave's neck.
Dave smiled. "I love you too."
***
Aaron had a hard time getting Dave out of bed the next morning too, though he had to admit that Dave at least sounded less depressed than he had yesterday. He finally resorted to saying Jack shouldn't arrive to find Dave in bed, and that got Dave out of bed. He tugged Aaron into the shower with him, claiming he needed help, though Aaron thought he really just wanted Aaron to wash his back.
As Aaron wrapped him in a towel afterward, Dave whispered that he really was the luckiest man alive. Aaron had to bite his lip to keep from saying that the luckiest man would live longer. Saying it wouldn't change anything.
He could see Dave making an effort to clean his plate at breakfast, though he still left almost an entire pancake uneaten. After breakfast he went into his study, saying he needed to do some things before Jack and Haley arrived.
Aaron cleaned up breakfast, musing that the thing that had made Dave less depressed had done the opposite to him, then sat in Dave's recliner and stared at the TV blankly.
An hour passed, and Aaron had no idea what he'd even watched, but the sound of a car in the drive snapped him out of his daze and he stood. He hoped he looked as close to normal as possible, given the circumstances, and opened the door, watching from the porch as Haley and Jack got their things from the car.
Dave must have heard too, because he came up behind Aaron and slid an arm around his waist while Haley and Jack were coming up the walk. He was wearing the cap Garcia had made him, and it reminded Aaron that Jack hadn't seen Dave since he shaved his head.
As soon as Jack saw them standing in the doorway, he dropped his bag and ran up the drive towards them. Dave chuckled and pushed the door open wider in time for Jack to throw himself into Aaron's arms.
"Hey," Aaron said, squeezing Jack tightly, almost too tightly, his chest aching with something he couldn't describe. "Hey, Jack." He kissed Jack's hair, and Jack squeezed him back, seemingly not noticing or caring how tight Aaron was holding him.
"Daddy," he whispered. He sounded like he was tearing up already. "Is it okay to hug Dave too?"
Aaron made a choked noise and pulled back to cup Jack's face in his hands. "He'll always be well enough for a hug from you."
Dave bent down and smiled at Jack. "Did you say I get a hug?" he asked, and Jack pulled out of Aaron's arms and threw himself at Dave. Dave staggered a little, but hugged him hard, bending his head to kiss Jack's hair.
Haley was trying to get Jack's bag from where he'd dropped it, so Aaron went to help her. "Hey," she said quietly, giving him a small smile.
"Hi," he said. He had the impulse to hug her, but felt like it was too needy. Of course, she leaned up and hugged him a moment later, so he wrapped his arms around her lightly. "Thanks for coming."
"Wild horses couldn't have kept me away," she whispered. "How are you doing?"
Aaron pulled back and looked back at where Dave and Jack were talking. "I wish I could say I was better now, but I'm not. I'm glad you're both here, though."
"Jack's scared, but he's really been wanting to see you both." She reached up and touched his cheek briefly. "He's been asking me some questions I think he should really ask you. I told him he could probably ask you to go for a walk or something so you can talk. If that's okay."
"Yeah," Aaron said, watching her. "Questions Dave doesn't need to answer with me?"
"Well, I think some of them, maybe it would be best if you'd tell him Dave can help you answer them." She made a face. "He's eleven, Aaron. You know how easily he embarrasses." She looked past him and Aaron followed her gaze to where Dave was kissing Jack's forehead and standing up. "God," she whispered. "I always thought Andrew and Dave would end up arguing over who got to pay for the rehearsal dinner when Jack got married. And that Dave would want Jack to go to Columbia..." She pressed her lips together and turned away. "I've been trying not to cry in front of Jack," she said.
"If you cry, I'll cry, and I've done too much of that lately," he told her, looking down. "I keep thinking I'm all out, and then I'm proved wrong." He looked back up, giving her a self-deprecating smile.
She let out a shaky laugh and then reached up to wipe her face. "Okay, I won't cry then," she said. When she turned back, she had managed a smile. "God. Okay, stiff upper lip, right? Let's go in."
Aaron laughed quietly, then let her walk ahead of him up the walkway. When she got to Dave, she gave him a hug, and Jack stepped back and curled his fingers in Aaron's shirt. It was awful that Jack felt so scared that he was clinging, but it also felt good that Jack was someone Aaron thought he still could be strong for.
"Thanks for leaving me with the bags, mister," Haley said to Jack, ruffling his hair. "You think you could help me get them into the guest bedroom?"
"Sure." Jack looked at Dave, then let go of Aaron's shirt and took the bag.
"You want a glass of orange juice?" Dave offered, and Jack nodded. Dave grinned and headed for the kitchen. A few minutes later they were settled in the living room, Haley and Dave with tea and Jack with orange juice.
Dave had taken the couch instead of the recliner, presumably to let Jack sit next to him if Jack wanted. Jack did just that, and wedged himself between Dave and Aaron while Haley took the recliner. Jack leaned against Dave's chest, and Dave slid an arm around his shoulders, smiling.
"How's school?" Aaron asked.
"S'okay," Jack said, shrugging.
Haley's smile went wry. "He's doing much better in math, thanks to Spencer's birthday present last year."
Jack sighed. "It's still boring."
"I was never very good at math either," Dave said. "But it's important. If you're going to paint a room, you've gotta be able to figure out how much paint you need."
Jack wrinkled his nose. "Why would I want to paint a room?"
"Someday you'll probably own a house, right? And maybe you won't like the colors the person before you decorated with." Dave grinned. "Now, I suppose you could pay someone to paint it for you, but my vote is for saving money and painting it yourself. It's fun."
"Mmn." Jack didn't look convinced. "I'll just make you guys do it," he said, then his brows drew together in what appeared to be worry and uncertainty. "Are you... gonna...?"
Dave's grin faded and he brushed his fingers over Jack's hair. "I'm afraid I won't be around to slave away for any lazy homeowners by then, kiddo." He cleared his throat. "And your dad sucks at painting, so you'd better just focus on learning your math."
Jack's lips pursed and his eyes filled with tears. "I want you to help."
Dave sighed and he pulled Jack closer. "Oh, buddy, you have no idea how much I wish I could." He closed his eyes. "I'd give anything to see you head to college and meet some fantastic woman and get married..." He trailed off, his voice going slightly strangled, and Aaron realized he was struggling to control his emotions.
"Ew," Jack said, which made Dave huff a little laugh, but Jack was sniffling now, and Dave didn't look any happier.
"We all want Dave to be here, Jack, but he can't," Aaron said.
"But..." Jack screwed up his face. "But... I read about chemo. Why isn't it working? Do something else!" The tears started, and his voice went higher in pitch. "I want you to help me paint!"
"Jack," Haley said. Her eyes were glassy, but she wasn't crying. "They are going to try something else, but there's no guarantees. It keeps coming back."
Aaron bit his lip and looked down at where Jack's hand was clutching Dave's shirt.
"I want to be around," Dave whispered. "Trust me, I love you so much, kiddo, I want to be here for everything. I just...I just have to admit that what we're trying isn't working."
Jack made a miserable noise, then a little gaspy sound. He glanced at his mom, then back to Dave. "But you're gonna try something else. It'll work."
Dave glanced at Aaron, obviously wishing someone else would answer the question for him. "I...I don't think we are, Jack," he said quietly. "The other treatments would just be other chemo drugs, and I'm just getting sicker. And the chemo makes me feel horrible, so mostly what I do is lie in bed all the time."
"But you'd get better eventually!" Jack moaned, through a sudden burst of new tears.
Haley's mouth had dropped open, and she was just staring. Then she glanced at Aaron as if they needed to talk Dave out of this. Aaron sighed, and brushed his hand over Jack's hair. "It's okay," he murmured.
Jack pushed Aaron's hand away angrily and got up, moving away from them. "It's not okay!"
"Jack, I'm not getting better," Dave said. He was obviously fighting to speak calmly, and after a moment he reached out and curled his fingers around Aaron's. "And I don't want to be stuck in a hospital bed for however much longer I've got. Would you want to be stuck in bed every day while your friends were playing basketball and riding their bikes?"
"It's not the same!" Jack shouted.
Dave shook his head. Aaron could see tears gathering. God, if Dave broke down, they'd all lose it.
"Jack," Haley said quietly.
"No!" he shouted, and Aaron frowned.
"You need to lower your voice," Aaron said calmly.
"NO!" Jack screamed.
"If you don't stop yel--"
"You're not even trying!" Jack said. "You could try harder! You don't-- You--!"
Haley reached out to touch Jack, but he pulled away. "No, don't touch me! I hate you!" Then Jack bolted out of the room and down the hallway toward the guest bedroom. The door slammed a few second later.
Dave sighed heavily and leaned forward, burying his hands in his face. Haley turned and looked from Dave to Aaron, her expression bewildered. "I don't understand," she said, "I thought..."
"We talked about it yesterday," Aaron said. He slid closer to Dave and rubbed his back, wondering if one of them should go after Jack. He could hear Jack crying down the hall.
"And you decided that this quickly?" Haley asked. "I...I could have helped prepare Jack for this if you'd told me." She looked at Dave again, frowning. "There's really nothing else that can be done? Have you got another opinion?"
"There are other things that can be done," Aaron said. "But the treatment we've been using is bad enough, and if he's not getting better..." Aaron almost couldn't believe how calm he was, but then again, everyone around him was reeling.
"But what could it hurt? If it doesn't help, at least you'll have tried!" Haley paused and took a deep breath, then shook her head. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sorry. I know, I'm in Georgia and I can't see everything that's going on." She gave a shaky laugh. "Andrew and I have been, uh, educating ourselves about this. Or trying to. We thought we ought to be able to help Jack, and you two, however we could." She sighed and clenched her hands together. "I should go talk to him."
"You sure?" Aaron asked. "I could go, if you want. If you think it's better."
"I don't know," she said. "I don't know what's better. We've never dealt with this before. I...Go ahead and talk to him."
Dave let out a long sigh and lifted his head. "I need...how long since I took anything?"
Aaron sighed and leaned against Dave. "I don't know. I can check."
Haley glanced between them, but Aaron was watching Dave.
"Maybe I should go," she said, then stood to leave, brushing a hand over Aaron's shoulder as she went.
"I'm sorry," Dave whispered. "God, is telling everyone going to be like this?" He lifted a hand that was trembling and rubbed it across his forehead.
"He's eleven," Aaron murmured. "I'd be willing to bet this is going to be the worst of all of them."
"I want so much to protect him, Aaron," Dave said. "I never thought...I never expected to be a dad, or anything like that. I'd give anything to keep him from feeling like this." He squeezed his eyes shut. "Ah, my head hurts. I can't think."
"I'll be right back," Aaron said, then went down the hall and checked the notebook he'd put by Dave's pill bottles. When he'd determined it was safe, he brought two back to Dave. "Still have tea?" he asked before sitting down.
"Yeah." Dave lifted his half-full glass from the side table. "I'm gonna see about a morphine pump," he said. "Nurse Kate was telling me you can plug it into the port and wear it on your belt." He took the pills and drained his tea. "It's okay for Jack to be angry," he said quietly.
"I know," Aaron said. he sat and slid his arm around Dave again. "To be honest, I'm a little angry at the situation too."
"Me too." Dave sighed and leaned against Aaron. "I don't know how to talk to him. He's so young. He shouldn't have to deal with this yet."
"None of us should have to, but... it could be worse. We've seen much worse." Aaron's hand stroked over Dave's back. "He's got a lot of support."
"Yeah." Dave turned his head, pressing his forehead against Aaron's neck. "Am I doing the right thing, Aaron? I hate second-guessing myself like this."
Aaron sighed. "I don't know what the right thing is," he admitted. "But..." God, it was still hard to talk about Dave going off his treatment, but Aaron forced himself to finish. "But it's probably better that his last memories of you not be you lying in a hospital bed for weeks."
Dave nodded. "Yeah. I don't want your last memories of me to be that either." His fingers curled at Aaron's waist.
Aaron drew a deep breath and dropped his head to Dave's shoulder. "I love you. He'll be okay."
"I hope so." Dave sighed. "I'm getting worn out. I'm going to have to lie down soon. I'm sorry."
"It's fine," Aaron said. He kissed Dave's cheek and stroked a hand over his head.
They sat that way a while longer, but when Haley and Jack didn't come back out, Aaron finally got Dave to go lie down in the bedroom. Aaron started putting together a late lunch. Haley came out finally and said Jack had cried himself to sleep.
"No one ever tells you that the hardest part about being a parent isn't getting him to do his homework or clean his room," she said. "It's seeing him in pain and not being able to do anything."
Aaron sighed and turned to face her. "I'm sorry," he said.
"Oh, and it's all your fault," she said, rolling her eyes. "Don't apologize. I know you're going through those same feelings."
"I know, but I feel partly responsible just because I can't fix it. I can't help my own partner." Aaron gave her a sad smile. "I should have called you, but... I just... I couldn't. I'm sorry."
"You have a lot going on," she said. "Is there anything Jack and I can do to help you right now?"
Aaron shook his head. "Being here's enough."
***
Jack didn't wake up for supper, and Haley decided it was better to let him sleep. But partway through the night, Aaron woke up because someone was shaking his arm. As soon as he made a sleepy noise, Jack quit shaking him and climbed over his legs onto the bed. "Daddy, I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry I yelled."
Dave grunted and shifted in bed. "Jack?" he mumbled.
"Hey, buddy," Aaron said, his voice hoarse, squinting at his son in the dark. "What're you doing out of bed?"
"I woke up. I'm sorry I yelled, Daddy," he whispered. "I'm sorry, Dave."
"Aw, it's okay," Dave said, sounding more awake. He pulled the covers up. "Get under here; you'll get cold." When Jack scrambled under the covers, Dave wrapped his arms around him. Aaron could just tell that Dave was looking at him. "You don't have to apologize for how you feel, kiddo," Dave murmured.
Aaron rolled to face them so that Jack was snuggled between them both. He was glad Dave had invited Jack into bed. Aaron would have been worried maybe Dave wasn't up to it, but after what happened earlier today, it felt nice.
"We feel the same way, Jack," he said, stroking his son's hair. "It's scary. We know."
"What's going to happen?" Jack whispered. "I don't want you to go away."
Aaron stroked a hand soothingly down Jack's side and left it there, sighing. "The chemo is making Dave really sick, so he'll probably feel better for a little while. That way, we can all have some good time left together, and we don't know how long that'll be," Aaron said. He paused for Dave to go on, and when he didn't, Aaron forced himself to continue. "Then he'll eventually start to get sicker, because we aren't doing anything to stop the cancer. And he'll... he'll, ah..." He drew a deep breath. "He'll die."
Jack made a whimpery noise. "I don't want Dave to die," he whispered.
Dave let out a shaky sigh. "Oh, Jack, I don't want to, either," he said, petting Jack's hair. "I wish I didn't have to. But it happens to everybody, and we don't get to...to...pick...when it's time." He kissed Jack's head. "If I could choose, I'd stay with you forever."
Aaron's throat felt like it had closed when he said 'die'. He'd been careful to avoid the word before. His eyes were stinging now, but he was mostly calm. He was sure that was because of Jack.
"What's going to happen to Daddy?" Jack whispered. He was sniffling now.
"Daddy's going to need you more than ever," Dave said hoarsely. "He'll need you to take care of him and help him not be lonely. He'll miss me an awful lot." He kissed Jack's hair again. "It's okay for you to miss me. And it'll be okay to talk about me. I think Daddy'll like that." He looked up at Aaron, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.
Aaron blinked hard against his own tears, and slid his hand up to rub Jack's shoulder. "I'll need you a lot," he agreed. "But don't you worry about me, okay?"
"What happens to Dave?" Jack asked. "What happens to you when you die?"
Dave took a deep breath. "Well...we don't really know for sure," he said. "I won't be here any more. My body quits breathing, and you won't see me any more. But I think, I believe, that my soul, the part of me that is different from anyone else...I believe that will go on living somehow. I just don't know how."
Jack was silent for a moment. Aaron wasn't sure how much of that he really understood. "Are you scared?"
"Oh, yes, kiddo," Dave whispered. "I'm really scared. But it's okay to be scared."
Jack sniffed harder, then wiped at his face. "Will you still be able to see me? Mom said when Uncle Steve died that he would be watching me."
Dave looked up at Aaron, maybe for guidance, then said, "I don't know for sure, but I hope so. And you can bet that if I can, I will." He squeezed Jack. "And I'll shove Uncle Steve out of the way if I have to."
Jack's sniffling stopped and he stared at Dave for a moment. Then he laughed quietly. It wasn't a joyous sort of laugh, but God, it was good to hear.
"You have to be nice to Uncle Steve," Jack said. "You can watch together."
"Will I like Uncle Steve? I'll be nice if he will." Dave kissed Jack's forehead. "I love you so much, buddy."
"I love you too," Jack whispered.
He settled closer to Dave, and Aaron just watched them, trying not to think that this could be the last time he ever got to see this. Jack used to sneak into bed with them when he was littler, but he was growing out of it now. God, don't let this be the last time, he thought, and tried to memorize how this felt.
Dave looked up and met Aaron's gaze, smiling faintly at him. He didn't speak, but he gestured for Aaron to move closer.
Aaron returned the smile, knowing it was a little sad, then moved to cradle Jack between them. "Let's get some sleep, Jack," he murmured. "We can talk more in the morning, if you want to."
In the morning Jack didn't seem to feel like talking more about it, but he did seem to be more comfortable around Dave. He got Dave to sit outside in a lawn chair and watch him play basketball for a while, and later they sat together and read. After lunch Dave had to rest for a while, and Jack went out to ride his bike. He was almost too big for it, Aaron realized. He was going to have to go out and get him a big bike.
The phone rang, but he was too slow leaving the window, and Haley came over, holding it out. "It's Spencer," she whispered.
Aaron nodded, but felt a little jolt of anxiety wash through him. They hadn't told the team yet. They hadn't figured out how to tell the team. He took the phone anyway and said hello.
"Hey," Spencer said. "Is Jack there too?"
"Ah, yeah, he's out riding his bike right now." Aaron forced a smile. "Dave's napping. What's going on?"
"I just wanted to check in. Sean was gone, so I thought... I guess you don't really need anything, though."
"You're always welcome to visit, Spencer," Aaron said. "I'm sure Jack would love to see you, and Dave's always glad for your company." He drew in a deep breath. "I think he's feeling better today than he has been lately."
"Good," Spencer said. Aaron could hear the sudden smile in his voice. "I, ah... do you need anything?"
"I can't think of anything," Aaron said slowly.
"Okay. I'll, ah, just bring myself, and Jack can call me strange for a couple of hours," Spencer said.
Aaron smiled, even though it hurt. "Dave and I were going to have a talk with him about that," he murmured.
Spencer laughed. "You don't have to. I'm not seven anymore; eleven year olds can't hurt me. At least not by repeating things I've heard my entire life."
Aaron knew Spencer sometimes got a little tired of it, though, and he couldn't help but ache a little that Spencer seemed to be in this mood just because Aaron said Dave was feeling better today.
"That doesn't mean it's okay," Aaron said. "I'll see you in a while." When he got off the phone with Spencer, he went first to find Jack. He needed to make sure Jack would let them tell Spencer about stopping the treatment in their own time. Once he'd done that, he went back inside to tell Haley that Spencer was coming. Then he woke Dave.
Dave was pleased Spencer was coming over, but nervous about telling him their decision about treatment, which Aaron thought was probably merited. Of all their friends, Spencer would probably be the least surprised, but also take it the hardest.
The day went well, though, and Jack actually thanked Spencer for helping him with his math homework, even if he'd grumbled about it. Aaron thought maybe Haley had had something to do with that. She made them lunch and they talked about everything but cancer and death, which was nice, but Aaron couldn't help feeling a little guilty when Spencer left, in spite of the fact that they really hadn't told anyone but Haley and Jack yet.
As Aaron got ready for bed, all he could think about was Sean . Dave could probably tell something was bothering him, but he didn't say anything.
Aaron wondered if they should call Sean or not. The answer was probably yes, but Aaron got angry every time he thought about what doing that meant. It meant talking to Sean again, and probably dealing with Sean bailing on him again.
When Aaron finally got in bed, he curled up behind Dave and wrapped an arm around him.
"Mmm, sorry I bailed on you early," Dave mumbled. He sounded sleepy, but he'd been awake much more today than yesterday, so Aaron could understand that. He slid a hand over Aaron's and snuggled back against him.
"It's fine," Aaron murmured, and kissed the back of Dave's neck.
Dave made a contented noise. "This is still the best feeling in the world. Being in your arms." Aaron could hear the smile in his voice. "Thank you for putting up with me."
"I know I'm not a breeze either," Aaron said. This was nice, but Aaron really wished he could feel better about all of this. He was slowly coming to terms with it all, even if he still had moments of undeniable anger and grief, but he just hoped he would start to feel like it was worth letting Dave die when Dave started feeling better. "I love you," he whispered.
"I love you too," Dave murmured. He shifted slightly. "I want to kiss you." Aaron could tell he was waiting for permission to move.
Aaron smiled faintly, and shifted so Dave could turn, then pressed his lips to Dave's. They were chapped, but warm, and Aaron lifted a hand to cup Dave's jaw, leaving control of the kiss totally to Dave; he wasn't sure what Dave felt up to or if his mouth was feeling better yet.
He was glad of his decision as Dave continued the kiss, trailing it into several short, light ones. It was obvious he was still sore, but he was clearly craving the intimacy of kissing. "Love you so much," Dave whispered between kisses. "You make me stronger. Mmm, Aaron..."
I wish that were true, Aaron thought. He couldn't do a damn thing to make Dave's body stronger. "Miss kissing you," he whispered. He'd never say it, but he missed a lot about their physical relationship since the chemo had started taking such a toll on Dave, even if it wasn't really anything that mattered in the grand scheme of things. "Thank you."
"I love kissing you," Dave murmured. He brushed his lips along Aaron's jaw. "You're so sexy. I always think that, even if I haven't had the energy to show you lately." His fingers were in Aaron's hair, stroking gently, the gesture tender more than arousing.
Aaron sighed happily, feeling a little better than he had when he got into bed. "You're still the most gorgeous man I know." He smiled slowly. "Bald and skinny or otherwise."
"Who're you callin' bald and skinny?" Dave demanded, but his voice was warm, and one hand slid slowly down Aaron's back to curl just above the swell of his ass. "If I wasn't so comfortable, I'd have to show you that I can still make you beg, bald and skinny or not." He kissed Aaron slowly, obviously an attempt to cut off any protest; it worked pretty well when his tongue flicked lightly against the roof of Aaron's mouth.
Aaron made a pleased noise, and a spark of arousal shot through him; it didn't take much these days. He pulled back in an attempt to curb his arousal before he wound up frustrated, though, because he knew Dave wasn't really up for it. "Did I ever deny you could?" he asked.
He could hear the smirk in Dave's voice, damn it. Sleepy, but definitely smirky. "Just don't forget it, then," Dave said, and kissed him again, with a little less teasing poured into it. Then he snuggled against Aaron, completely eliminating the safe distance he'd tried to create. Dave buried his face against Aaron's neck. "I wouldn't mind being right here while you jack off," he said, his voice muffled against Aaron's skin.
"God," Aaron choked out. Those words really didn't do anything to relax his body. He rolled onto his back, just a little away from Dave again, but more importantly, not letting his excitement press against Dave's leg. He made a negative noise and shook his head. "Not without you," he murmured. Not that they'd never done that before, but Aaron wasn't convinced Dave would really enjoy it much right now.
Dave sighed. "You really don't have to," he murmured, scooting closer again. "It would be hot watching you get off." But he just draped his arm across Aaron's chest and rested his head against his shoulder.
"I want you to be able to fully enjoy it," Aaron whispered, willing his body to calm. He turned his head and kissed Dave's forehead.
"Mmm, I would enjoy it just fine," Dave mumbled, but then he yawned, and Aaron could tell he was more worn out than he was trying to admit.
Aaron closed his eyes and sighed, happy enough to have Dave this close. "Shh," he whispered. "I love you."
"Love you." Dave tightened his arm around Aaron. "So much."
Author:
innerslytherin and severity_softlyArtist:
tliPairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 147,800
Summary: Futurefic--Shortly before Dave turns sixty, he is diagnosed with a grade III brain tumor. He and Aaron have to come to terms with what this means for their relationship. Eventually the team has to help Aaron say goodbye.
Notes: Heavy angst. Lots of medical detail. Character death. This fic would not exist without the extensive help, support, encouragement, and hand-holding from
resolucidity, who served as our medical consultant throughout.Master post
Chapter Thirteen
Later in the day, Dave napped while Aaron straightened up the house a little for Haley and Jack's arrival. Dave's reading material was scattered around the living room and kitchen--a testament to his ebbing energy levels, since he'd always been extremely fussy about putting things back where they belonged.
Aaron carried a stack of books into Dave's study and set them on the corner of his desk...then froze, staring at the stack of pamphlets already there. Coping With Advanced Cancer, When Cancer Returns, When Someone You Love Has Advanced Cancer...Preparation at the End of Life.
He stared at them for a long moment, unsure if he should even touch them, and ridiculously wondering how poorly he was doing taking care of Dave compared to how that one booklet said he should be.
He took a deep breath, then gathered them up, putting them in the desk drawer without opening any of them. He went back to cleaning, trying to forget he'd seen them.
It was stupid. The denial. Aaron knew it too, and yet somehow he couldn't help not wanting to know everything, no matter what he'd told Dave. He wanted to know what he needed to know to help Dave, to make sure he was taking care of himself and feeling as good as he could; he didn't want to be the last one to know things or be kept in the dark... but this...
Feeling a horrible urge to cry, Aaron left the study and headed for the guest bedroom. He ought to put clean sheets on the bed, and make sure there were clean towels in the bathroom. He would think about all that later.
Dave wandered into the kitchen when Aaron was doing dishes. He pressed against Aaron's back and wrapped his arms around him. "You're working too hard," he murmured, kissing Aaron's neck.
"No, I'm not," Aaron said. "I spent most of the morning reading." He sounded pleased that they'd done that, regardless of his initial teasing.
"Hmm." Dave nibbled lightly at Aaron's skin, then closed his eyes, breathing in his lover's scent. "It's nice to have you home with me," he murmured.
Aaron sucked in a breath and let out a pleased noise, then leaned back a little. "Nice to relax," Aaron murmured, though Dave knew Aaron wasn't really relaxing.
Dave smiled. "We'll relax later," he promised. Then he sucked in a breath. God, he didn't want to do this. But he'd spent half of his 'nap' lying in bed and telling himself they needed to talk about this. "I want us to talk," he murmured finally.
Aaron turned his head so that his cheek was against Dave's head. "About what?" He sounded a little less content already.
Dave sighed. "About the future."
He felt Aaron tense, but Aaron didn't say anything.
"I think we need to discuss where we're at and what's coming," Dave said, forcing himself to sound firm. "Before Jack and Haley get here. I want us to be on the same page."
Aaron sucked in a deep breath, then let it out. "God."
"Please, Aaron. We need to talk about it. The drugs aren't working." Dave closed his eyes and thought about the arrangements he'd already made. He needed to talk Aaron around before he had to change their reservations. "And I'm fucking miserable all the time."
"I'm sorry," Aaron said, strains of grief already running through his voice.
"You don't have anything to be sorry for," Dave said, tightening his arms. "You've been with me every step of the way. No one ever had a more supportive partner." He held in a sigh. "But I need you to try to understand why I'm thinking about stopping the treatment."
Aaron sniffed loudly. "I know. I just..." He drew a shaky breath. "I want you to live so much it hurts."
Dave's throat tightened and he swallowed hard. "I know," he whispered. "I do too, Aaron. I really want it." He cleared his throat and took a deep breath. "But I have to admit that, barring a miracle, I don't get that. So I need to think about what I do get. I need to figure out how to make what I get be the best it can be. And--" He choked and fought against sudden tears. "And I can't do that," he managed, "without your help."
Aaron made a little gaspy noise, then just whispered, "God."
Dave wrapped his arms tighter around Aaron and kissed his shoulder. He wanted to apologize, to say they didn't have to face facts if Aaron didn't want to. But he felt like it would be better if they were honest. And he really didn't want to change those reservations.
"I'm so scared," Aaron said finally, and his voice was smaller than Dave had ever heard it.
"Me too," Dave admitted. God, if only he could take this away from Aaron. If only he could somehow spare him this pain. "I wish I could help."
"I told Jack. Yesterday. I told him you were getting sicker," Aaron said. Dave could tell he was crying, even if Dave couldn't see his face.
A pang of sorrow went through Dave. "Was he okay?"
"He said he'd been reading about chemo, and he told me he read it didn't always work." Aaron held his breath for a moment. "And he asked if it was working. I... couldn't lie to him."
Dave took the evasion to mean Jack wasn't okay. "He was reading about chemo?" He sighed. "Why don't we go sit down."
Aaron wiped his face and nodded, then turned around. His eyes were red. "He got a book at the library."
Dave sighed and cupped Aaron's cheek. "Maybe we should've told him more. I thought he knew he could ask us any questions he wanted." He pulled Aaron into his arms and kissed his jaw. "We're going to make it, Aaron. We're going to be okay."
Aaron laughed sadly. "There's nothing about this that's okay."
"I know." Dave sighed. He kissed him again. "Well. We're together. This would be a hell of a lot worse if I didn't have you."
"There's nothing okay about this, and we're not going to make it," Aaron said.
"You're repeating yourself," Dave said. "That's my job."
"It's..." Aaron shook his head. "I don't want you to be miserable. I don't want to lose you before I've lost you, but God I don't want to lose you at all. I don't know how I could live in this house, or go back to work, or fucking breathe."
The words felt like they drove a spike through Dave's gut. He stared at Aaron, trying to think of anything he could say... but there were no words. There was nothing. He just shook his head, watching Aaron.
Tears were rolling down Aaron's cheeks, and he looked up at the ceiling, obviously trying to reign back whatever it was that let him say that. "I'm sorry," he said.
Dave finally found his voice. "How many times do I have to tell you not to fucking apologize?" he asked quietly. He lifted a hand to touch Aaron's cheek. "This is something I can't fix for you, and I hate it. I hate that I'm making you hurt like this."
"It's not your fault. It is my fault that I'm making you feel that way, though." Aaron sighed and lowered his head to Dave's shoulder.
"Look, can we dispense with the guilt?" Dave said. "God. Your feelings are just as important as mine, Aaron." He wondered if he could get Derek and Spencer to remind Aaron of that on a daily basis after he died. A moment later he realized that was sort of a morbid thought. He hugged Aaron and nudged him gently. "Let's go sit down. The dishes will wait."
Aaron nodded and moved away from the counter. "Do you want a drink?" he said, sounding sort of defeated.
"I want you," Dave said. "Come sit."
"How are you feeling?" Aaron asked, his voice shaky, but he made his way into the living room anyway.
"I feel tired," Dave said, following. "But the nap helped. Mostly at the moment I'm feeling sad and a little bit sorry for myself."
"Yeah," Aaron said, settling on the couch, looking lost.
Dave sat next to him. "Was that oversharing?" He curled his fingers with Aaron's, rubbing his thumb over his lover's skin.
"No, I was saying I felt the same way," Aaron murmured.
Dave grunted a laugh and kissed Aaron quickly. "I wish I could help."
"I wish a lot of things," Aaron said.
"Tell me how I can help you, Aaron," Dave said.
"Either find a cure for cancer, or find us a time machine so we can go back and do it all over again, even if it's the exact same way. Or so you can go way back and avoid everything carcinogenic that ever so much as looked at you, let alone touched you," Aaron said, his voice flat.
"Ah...maybe you ought to have Spencer work on that cure for cancer thing," Dave said. He sighed. "Sometimes I think it's life that causes cancer. I've known people who never smoked a day in their lives who died of lung cancer. I don't feel like this is fair, but I don't really think life is fair. You just...do the best with what you got."
"I've got nothing without you and Jack," Aaron said.
"You've got yourself," Dave said. "You've got the team. And you aren't losing Jack. Just me." He had more to say, about how they didn't even know if the chemo was prolonging his life, and how he might have a long time left...but suddenly he couldn't get any more words out.
"That's enough," Aaron said.
Dave wasn't going to lose it again. He'd spent enough time crying over this. Of course, the stinging in his eyes didn't seem to believe him. He took a deep breath. "Aaron, you got through your divorce. I know it's not the same, but...you learned to live for yourself then, instead of for your wife. You just..." Dave closed his eyes. "You have to make it. You have to promise me you'll make it, or I won't have the courage to let go."
"I'm not living for you, Dave, I'm living with you. Which is how I want to live."
Dave rubbed his eyes. "I think we've crossed the line from 'a little bit sorry for myself' to 'a whole hell of a lot sorry for myself'," he said, and looked at Aaron. "I can't change what's happened to me. I wish to God I could, but I can't. And I want to live with you every day for the rest of my life. Even if it's only another six months."
Aaron pressed his lips together, his jaw tightening, but he didn't say anything. He just stared at the wall across the room, looking somehow blank and deep in thoughtful at the same time.
"Look, I'm sorry," Dave said. "And I'm sick to death of saying I'm sorry, because I still can't do a damn thing about it, no matter how sorry I am." He leaned forward and propped one elbow on his knees, though he kept his other hand wrapped around Aaron's. "I don't know how to make you happy any more, because the one thing that would make you happy, I can't do." He rubbed his face.
"You do make me happy. I'm... the most unhappy I've ever been, but you still make me happy." Aaron shifted a little on the cushion, and Dave felt him sit back. "But if you're hoping for even the smallest glimmer of happiness right now, while we're talking about ending your treatment, you're going to have to just keep hoping."
"What does that mean?" Dave asked quietly.
"What do you mean, 'what does it mean'?"
"What do you want me to hope for right now? Are you saying that while we're talking about ending treatment, you want me to keep hoping it'll work? Or that I'll get a miracle? Because I keep hoping for a miracle. Fuck, I'm praying, I'm begging for a miracle. But I'm trying to act like I'm not going to get it, so I don't spend the rest of my time bargaining with false hope."
Aaron laughed sadly. "No. I meant that you should give up trying to make me happy when I'm conceding defeat."
Dave sighed and squeezed Aaron's hand. "Am I asking too much of you?"
"Yes, but it has to be asked," Aaron said. He leaned over and rested his head on Dave's shoulder.
Dave pressed his cheek against the top of Aaron's head. "I love you, Aaron." He wrapped both hands around Aaron's and stopped fighting the stinging in his eyes. "I love you so much." A single tear escaped and tickled its way down his cheek.
Aaron returned the embrace. "I know. I love you too," he whispered, his fingers tangling in Dave's shirt.
"You know," Dave said, ignoring that a second tear was slipping down, "we're pretty lucky. How many people get to have what we've had, huh?"
Aaron took a deep breath. "I don't know," he murmured.
"Not many," Dave whispered. "Aaron, I want to go to Ireland."
"What?" Aaron said. He pulled back and looked at Dave. His eyes were glassy, but he looked confused.
"I want to go to Ireland. With you. I want to see castles and drink Guinness." Dave kissed Aaron softly. "If I could shake this fatigue, we could probably go in a few weeks."
Aaron watched him for a minute, then he sighed and rubbed his hand over his eyes. "You want to--?" He shook his head. "Taking a trip is the last thing I can even think about right now."
"That's why we need to do it," Dave said. He'd expected Aaron to protest. But Dave had some things he wanted to do before he died, and Ireland was on the top of the list. "If we stop treatment, I'm not going to spend the rest of my life waiting to die. That's not the point. The point is to make the most of whatever I have left." He waited until Aaron looked at him again. "I want to go to Ireland with you."
Aaron looked like he didn't no what to say, as if he couldn't make a decision. He rubbed his eyes again, then just pressed his palm over them. "Maybe when Haley's here, I can... call..."
Dave pulled Aaron into his arms. "You don't have to call anybody. We fly outta New York next month. You just have to bring your passport and promise you'll be there with me."
Aaron let out a gusty breath. "You already booked a flight?" His arms tightened on Dave. "I should be taking care of you, not..." He sighed. "It doesn't have to be Ireland. It could be anywhere you want."
"I want Ireland," Dave said. Actually he didn't care. What he cared about was going somewhere Aaron wanted to go. Watching Aaron see Ireland sounded like a good way to spend the rest of his life. Or at least a couple of weeks of it. "I want Ireland with you."
"I love you," Aaron whispered, turning his head and kissing Dave's neck.
Dave smiled. "I love you too."
***
Aaron had a hard time getting Dave out of bed the next morning too, though he had to admit that Dave at least sounded less depressed than he had yesterday. He finally resorted to saying Jack shouldn't arrive to find Dave in bed, and that got Dave out of bed. He tugged Aaron into the shower with him, claiming he needed help, though Aaron thought he really just wanted Aaron to wash his back.
As Aaron wrapped him in a towel afterward, Dave whispered that he really was the luckiest man alive. Aaron had to bite his lip to keep from saying that the luckiest man would live longer. Saying it wouldn't change anything.
He could see Dave making an effort to clean his plate at breakfast, though he still left almost an entire pancake uneaten. After breakfast he went into his study, saying he needed to do some things before Jack and Haley arrived.
Aaron cleaned up breakfast, musing that the thing that had made Dave less depressed had done the opposite to him, then sat in Dave's recliner and stared at the TV blankly.
An hour passed, and Aaron had no idea what he'd even watched, but the sound of a car in the drive snapped him out of his daze and he stood. He hoped he looked as close to normal as possible, given the circumstances, and opened the door, watching from the porch as Haley and Jack got their things from the car.
Dave must have heard too, because he came up behind Aaron and slid an arm around his waist while Haley and Jack were coming up the walk. He was wearing the cap Garcia had made him, and it reminded Aaron that Jack hadn't seen Dave since he shaved his head.
As soon as Jack saw them standing in the doorway, he dropped his bag and ran up the drive towards them. Dave chuckled and pushed the door open wider in time for Jack to throw himself into Aaron's arms.
"Hey," Aaron said, squeezing Jack tightly, almost too tightly, his chest aching with something he couldn't describe. "Hey, Jack." He kissed Jack's hair, and Jack squeezed him back, seemingly not noticing or caring how tight Aaron was holding him.
"Daddy," he whispered. He sounded like he was tearing up already. "Is it okay to hug Dave too?"
Aaron made a choked noise and pulled back to cup Jack's face in his hands. "He'll always be well enough for a hug from you."
Dave bent down and smiled at Jack. "Did you say I get a hug?" he asked, and Jack pulled out of Aaron's arms and threw himself at Dave. Dave staggered a little, but hugged him hard, bending his head to kiss Jack's hair.
Haley was trying to get Jack's bag from where he'd dropped it, so Aaron went to help her. "Hey," she said quietly, giving him a small smile.
"Hi," he said. He had the impulse to hug her, but felt like it was too needy. Of course, she leaned up and hugged him a moment later, so he wrapped his arms around her lightly. "Thanks for coming."
"Wild horses couldn't have kept me away," she whispered. "How are you doing?"
Aaron pulled back and looked back at where Dave and Jack were talking. "I wish I could say I was better now, but I'm not. I'm glad you're both here, though."
"Jack's scared, but he's really been wanting to see you both." She reached up and touched his cheek briefly. "He's been asking me some questions I think he should really ask you. I told him he could probably ask you to go for a walk or something so you can talk. If that's okay."
"Yeah," Aaron said, watching her. "Questions Dave doesn't need to answer with me?"
"Well, I think some of them, maybe it would be best if you'd tell him Dave can help you answer them." She made a face. "He's eleven, Aaron. You know how easily he embarrasses." She looked past him and Aaron followed her gaze to where Dave was kissing Jack's forehead and standing up. "God," she whispered. "I always thought Andrew and Dave would end up arguing over who got to pay for the rehearsal dinner when Jack got married. And that Dave would want Jack to go to Columbia..." She pressed her lips together and turned away. "I've been trying not to cry in front of Jack," she said.
"If you cry, I'll cry, and I've done too much of that lately," he told her, looking down. "I keep thinking I'm all out, and then I'm proved wrong." He looked back up, giving her a self-deprecating smile.
She let out a shaky laugh and then reached up to wipe her face. "Okay, I won't cry then," she said. When she turned back, she had managed a smile. "God. Okay, stiff upper lip, right? Let's go in."
Aaron laughed quietly, then let her walk ahead of him up the walkway. When she got to Dave, she gave him a hug, and Jack stepped back and curled his fingers in Aaron's shirt. It was awful that Jack felt so scared that he was clinging, but it also felt good that Jack was someone Aaron thought he still could be strong for.
"Thanks for leaving me with the bags, mister," Haley said to Jack, ruffling his hair. "You think you could help me get them into the guest bedroom?"
"Sure." Jack looked at Dave, then let go of Aaron's shirt and took the bag.
"You want a glass of orange juice?" Dave offered, and Jack nodded. Dave grinned and headed for the kitchen. A few minutes later they were settled in the living room, Haley and Dave with tea and Jack with orange juice.
Dave had taken the couch instead of the recliner, presumably to let Jack sit next to him if Jack wanted. Jack did just that, and wedged himself between Dave and Aaron while Haley took the recliner. Jack leaned against Dave's chest, and Dave slid an arm around his shoulders, smiling.
"How's school?" Aaron asked.
"S'okay," Jack said, shrugging.
Haley's smile went wry. "He's doing much better in math, thanks to Spencer's birthday present last year."
Jack sighed. "It's still boring."
"I was never very good at math either," Dave said. "But it's important. If you're going to paint a room, you've gotta be able to figure out how much paint you need."
Jack wrinkled his nose. "Why would I want to paint a room?"
"Someday you'll probably own a house, right? And maybe you won't like the colors the person before you decorated with." Dave grinned. "Now, I suppose you could pay someone to paint it for you, but my vote is for saving money and painting it yourself. It's fun."
"Mmn." Jack didn't look convinced. "I'll just make you guys do it," he said, then his brows drew together in what appeared to be worry and uncertainty. "Are you... gonna...?"
Dave's grin faded and he brushed his fingers over Jack's hair. "I'm afraid I won't be around to slave away for any lazy homeowners by then, kiddo." He cleared his throat. "And your dad sucks at painting, so you'd better just focus on learning your math."
Jack's lips pursed and his eyes filled with tears. "I want you to help."
Dave sighed and he pulled Jack closer. "Oh, buddy, you have no idea how much I wish I could." He closed his eyes. "I'd give anything to see you head to college and meet some fantastic woman and get married..." He trailed off, his voice going slightly strangled, and Aaron realized he was struggling to control his emotions.
"Ew," Jack said, which made Dave huff a little laugh, but Jack was sniffling now, and Dave didn't look any happier.
"We all want Dave to be here, Jack, but he can't," Aaron said.
"But..." Jack screwed up his face. "But... I read about chemo. Why isn't it working? Do something else!" The tears started, and his voice went higher in pitch. "I want you to help me paint!"
"Jack," Haley said. Her eyes were glassy, but she wasn't crying. "They are going to try something else, but there's no guarantees. It keeps coming back."
Aaron bit his lip and looked down at where Jack's hand was clutching Dave's shirt.
"I want to be around," Dave whispered. "Trust me, I love you so much, kiddo, I want to be here for everything. I just...I just have to admit that what we're trying isn't working."
Jack made a miserable noise, then a little gaspy sound. He glanced at his mom, then back to Dave. "But you're gonna try something else. It'll work."
Dave glanced at Aaron, obviously wishing someone else would answer the question for him. "I...I don't think we are, Jack," he said quietly. "The other treatments would just be other chemo drugs, and I'm just getting sicker. And the chemo makes me feel horrible, so mostly what I do is lie in bed all the time."
"But you'd get better eventually!" Jack moaned, through a sudden burst of new tears.
Haley's mouth had dropped open, and she was just staring. Then she glanced at Aaron as if they needed to talk Dave out of this. Aaron sighed, and brushed his hand over Jack's hair. "It's okay," he murmured.
Jack pushed Aaron's hand away angrily and got up, moving away from them. "It's not okay!"
"Jack, I'm not getting better," Dave said. He was obviously fighting to speak calmly, and after a moment he reached out and curled his fingers around Aaron's. "And I don't want to be stuck in a hospital bed for however much longer I've got. Would you want to be stuck in bed every day while your friends were playing basketball and riding their bikes?"
"It's not the same!" Jack shouted.
Dave shook his head. Aaron could see tears gathering. God, if Dave broke down, they'd all lose it.
"Jack," Haley said quietly.
"No!" he shouted, and Aaron frowned.
"You need to lower your voice," Aaron said calmly.
"NO!" Jack screamed.
"If you don't stop yel--"
"You're not even trying!" Jack said. "You could try harder! You don't-- You--!"
Haley reached out to touch Jack, but he pulled away. "No, don't touch me! I hate you!" Then Jack bolted out of the room and down the hallway toward the guest bedroom. The door slammed a few second later.
Dave sighed heavily and leaned forward, burying his hands in his face. Haley turned and looked from Dave to Aaron, her expression bewildered. "I don't understand," she said, "I thought..."
"We talked about it yesterday," Aaron said. He slid closer to Dave and rubbed his back, wondering if one of them should go after Jack. He could hear Jack crying down the hall.
"And you decided that this quickly?" Haley asked. "I...I could have helped prepare Jack for this if you'd told me." She looked at Dave again, frowning. "There's really nothing else that can be done? Have you got another opinion?"
"There are other things that can be done," Aaron said. "But the treatment we've been using is bad enough, and if he's not getting better..." Aaron almost couldn't believe how calm he was, but then again, everyone around him was reeling.
"But what could it hurt? If it doesn't help, at least you'll have tried!" Haley paused and took a deep breath, then shook her head. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sorry. I know, I'm in Georgia and I can't see everything that's going on." She gave a shaky laugh. "Andrew and I have been, uh, educating ourselves about this. Or trying to. We thought we ought to be able to help Jack, and you two, however we could." She sighed and clenched her hands together. "I should go talk to him."
"You sure?" Aaron asked. "I could go, if you want. If you think it's better."
"I don't know," she said. "I don't know what's better. We've never dealt with this before. I...Go ahead and talk to him."
Dave let out a long sigh and lifted his head. "I need...how long since I took anything?"
Aaron sighed and leaned against Dave. "I don't know. I can check."
Haley glanced between them, but Aaron was watching Dave.
"Maybe I should go," she said, then stood to leave, brushing a hand over Aaron's shoulder as she went.
"I'm sorry," Dave whispered. "God, is telling everyone going to be like this?" He lifted a hand that was trembling and rubbed it across his forehead.
"He's eleven," Aaron murmured. "I'd be willing to bet this is going to be the worst of all of them."
"I want so much to protect him, Aaron," Dave said. "I never thought...I never expected to be a dad, or anything like that. I'd give anything to keep him from feeling like this." He squeezed his eyes shut. "Ah, my head hurts. I can't think."
"I'll be right back," Aaron said, then went down the hall and checked the notebook he'd put by Dave's pill bottles. When he'd determined it was safe, he brought two back to Dave. "Still have tea?" he asked before sitting down.
"Yeah." Dave lifted his half-full glass from the side table. "I'm gonna see about a morphine pump," he said. "Nurse Kate was telling me you can plug it into the port and wear it on your belt." He took the pills and drained his tea. "It's okay for Jack to be angry," he said quietly.
"I know," Aaron said. he sat and slid his arm around Dave again. "To be honest, I'm a little angry at the situation too."
"Me too." Dave sighed and leaned against Aaron. "I don't know how to talk to him. He's so young. He shouldn't have to deal with this yet."
"None of us should have to, but... it could be worse. We've seen much worse." Aaron's hand stroked over Dave's back. "He's got a lot of support."
"Yeah." Dave turned his head, pressing his forehead against Aaron's neck. "Am I doing the right thing, Aaron? I hate second-guessing myself like this."
Aaron sighed. "I don't know what the right thing is," he admitted. "But..." God, it was still hard to talk about Dave going off his treatment, but Aaron forced himself to finish. "But it's probably better that his last memories of you not be you lying in a hospital bed for weeks."
Dave nodded. "Yeah. I don't want your last memories of me to be that either." His fingers curled at Aaron's waist.
Aaron drew a deep breath and dropped his head to Dave's shoulder. "I love you. He'll be okay."
"I hope so." Dave sighed. "I'm getting worn out. I'm going to have to lie down soon. I'm sorry."
"It's fine," Aaron said. He kissed Dave's cheek and stroked a hand over his head.
They sat that way a while longer, but when Haley and Jack didn't come back out, Aaron finally got Dave to go lie down in the bedroom. Aaron started putting together a late lunch. Haley came out finally and said Jack had cried himself to sleep.
"No one ever tells you that the hardest part about being a parent isn't getting him to do his homework or clean his room," she said. "It's seeing him in pain and not being able to do anything."
Aaron sighed and turned to face her. "I'm sorry," he said.
"Oh, and it's all your fault," she said, rolling her eyes. "Don't apologize. I know you're going through those same feelings."
"I know, but I feel partly responsible just because I can't fix it. I can't help my own partner." Aaron gave her a sad smile. "I should have called you, but... I just... I couldn't. I'm sorry."
"You have a lot going on," she said. "Is there anything Jack and I can do to help you right now?"
Aaron shook his head. "Being here's enough."
***
Jack didn't wake up for supper, and Haley decided it was better to let him sleep. But partway through the night, Aaron woke up because someone was shaking his arm. As soon as he made a sleepy noise, Jack quit shaking him and climbed over his legs onto the bed. "Daddy, I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry I yelled."
Dave grunted and shifted in bed. "Jack?" he mumbled.
"Hey, buddy," Aaron said, his voice hoarse, squinting at his son in the dark. "What're you doing out of bed?"
"I woke up. I'm sorry I yelled, Daddy," he whispered. "I'm sorry, Dave."
"Aw, it's okay," Dave said, sounding more awake. He pulled the covers up. "Get under here; you'll get cold." When Jack scrambled under the covers, Dave wrapped his arms around him. Aaron could just tell that Dave was looking at him. "You don't have to apologize for how you feel, kiddo," Dave murmured.
Aaron rolled to face them so that Jack was snuggled between them both. He was glad Dave had invited Jack into bed. Aaron would have been worried maybe Dave wasn't up to it, but after what happened earlier today, it felt nice.
"We feel the same way, Jack," he said, stroking his son's hair. "It's scary. We know."
"What's going to happen?" Jack whispered. "I don't want you to go away."
Aaron stroked a hand soothingly down Jack's side and left it there, sighing. "The chemo is making Dave really sick, so he'll probably feel better for a little while. That way, we can all have some good time left together, and we don't know how long that'll be," Aaron said. He paused for Dave to go on, and when he didn't, Aaron forced himself to continue. "Then he'll eventually start to get sicker, because we aren't doing anything to stop the cancer. And he'll... he'll, ah..." He drew a deep breath. "He'll die."
Jack made a whimpery noise. "I don't want Dave to die," he whispered.
Dave let out a shaky sigh. "Oh, Jack, I don't want to, either," he said, petting Jack's hair. "I wish I didn't have to. But it happens to everybody, and we don't get to...to...pick...when it's time." He kissed Jack's head. "If I could choose, I'd stay with you forever."
Aaron's throat felt like it had closed when he said 'die'. He'd been careful to avoid the word before. His eyes were stinging now, but he was mostly calm. He was sure that was because of Jack.
"What's going to happen to Daddy?" Jack whispered. He was sniffling now.
"Daddy's going to need you more than ever," Dave said hoarsely. "He'll need you to take care of him and help him not be lonely. He'll miss me an awful lot." He kissed Jack's hair again. "It's okay for you to miss me. And it'll be okay to talk about me. I think Daddy'll like that." He looked up at Aaron, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.
Aaron blinked hard against his own tears, and slid his hand up to rub Jack's shoulder. "I'll need you a lot," he agreed. "But don't you worry about me, okay?"
"What happens to Dave?" Jack asked. "What happens to you when you die?"
Dave took a deep breath. "Well...we don't really know for sure," he said. "I won't be here any more. My body quits breathing, and you won't see me any more. But I think, I believe, that my soul, the part of me that is different from anyone else...I believe that will go on living somehow. I just don't know how."
Jack was silent for a moment. Aaron wasn't sure how much of that he really understood. "Are you scared?"
"Oh, yes, kiddo," Dave whispered. "I'm really scared. But it's okay to be scared."
Jack sniffed harder, then wiped at his face. "Will you still be able to see me? Mom said when Uncle Steve died that he would be watching me."
Dave looked up at Aaron, maybe for guidance, then said, "I don't know for sure, but I hope so. And you can bet that if I can, I will." He squeezed Jack. "And I'll shove Uncle Steve out of the way if I have to."
Jack's sniffling stopped and he stared at Dave for a moment. Then he laughed quietly. It wasn't a joyous sort of laugh, but God, it was good to hear.
"You have to be nice to Uncle Steve," Jack said. "You can watch together."
"Will I like Uncle Steve? I'll be nice if he will." Dave kissed Jack's forehead. "I love you so much, buddy."
"I love you too," Jack whispered.
He settled closer to Dave, and Aaron just watched them, trying not to think that this could be the last time he ever got to see this. Jack used to sneak into bed with them when he was littler, but he was growing out of it now. God, don't let this be the last time, he thought, and tried to memorize how this felt.
Dave looked up and met Aaron's gaze, smiling faintly at him. He didn't speak, but he gestured for Aaron to move closer.
Aaron returned the smile, knowing it was a little sad, then moved to cradle Jack between them. "Let's get some sleep, Jack," he murmured. "We can talk more in the morning, if you want to."
In the morning Jack didn't seem to feel like talking more about it, but he did seem to be more comfortable around Dave. He got Dave to sit outside in a lawn chair and watch him play basketball for a while, and later they sat together and read. After lunch Dave had to rest for a while, and Jack went out to ride his bike. He was almost too big for it, Aaron realized. He was going to have to go out and get him a big bike.
The phone rang, but he was too slow leaving the window, and Haley came over, holding it out. "It's Spencer," she whispered.
Aaron nodded, but felt a little jolt of anxiety wash through him. They hadn't told the team yet. They hadn't figured out how to tell the team. He took the phone anyway and said hello.
"Hey," Spencer said. "Is Jack there too?"
"Ah, yeah, he's out riding his bike right now." Aaron forced a smile. "Dave's napping. What's going on?"
"I just wanted to check in. Sean was gone, so I thought... I guess you don't really need anything, though."
"You're always welcome to visit, Spencer," Aaron said. "I'm sure Jack would love to see you, and Dave's always glad for your company." He drew in a deep breath. "I think he's feeling better today than he has been lately."
"Good," Spencer said. Aaron could hear the sudden smile in his voice. "I, ah... do you need anything?"
"I can't think of anything," Aaron said slowly.
"Okay. I'll, ah, just bring myself, and Jack can call me strange for a couple of hours," Spencer said.
Aaron smiled, even though it hurt. "Dave and I were going to have a talk with him about that," he murmured.
Spencer laughed. "You don't have to. I'm not seven anymore; eleven year olds can't hurt me. At least not by repeating things I've heard my entire life."
Aaron knew Spencer sometimes got a little tired of it, though, and he couldn't help but ache a little that Spencer seemed to be in this mood just because Aaron said Dave was feeling better today.
"That doesn't mean it's okay," Aaron said. "I'll see you in a while." When he got off the phone with Spencer, he went first to find Jack. He needed to make sure Jack would let them tell Spencer about stopping the treatment in their own time. Once he'd done that, he went back inside to tell Haley that Spencer was coming. Then he woke Dave.
Dave was pleased Spencer was coming over, but nervous about telling him their decision about treatment, which Aaron thought was probably merited. Of all their friends, Spencer would probably be the least surprised, but also take it the hardest.
The day went well, though, and Jack actually thanked Spencer for helping him with his math homework, even if he'd grumbled about it. Aaron thought maybe Haley had had something to do with that. She made them lunch and they talked about everything but cancer and death, which was nice, but Aaron couldn't help feeling a little guilty when Spencer left, in spite of the fact that they really hadn't told anyone but Haley and Jack yet.
As Aaron got ready for bed, all he could think about was Sean . Dave could probably tell something was bothering him, but he didn't say anything.
Aaron wondered if they should call Sean or not. The answer was probably yes, but Aaron got angry every time he thought about what doing that meant. It meant talking to Sean again, and probably dealing with Sean bailing on him again.
When Aaron finally got in bed, he curled up behind Dave and wrapped an arm around him.
"Mmm, sorry I bailed on you early," Dave mumbled. He sounded sleepy, but he'd been awake much more today than yesterday, so Aaron could understand that. He slid a hand over Aaron's and snuggled back against him.
"It's fine," Aaron murmured, and kissed the back of Dave's neck.
Dave made a contented noise. "This is still the best feeling in the world. Being in your arms." Aaron could hear the smile in his voice. "Thank you for putting up with me."
"I know I'm not a breeze either," Aaron said. This was nice, but Aaron really wished he could feel better about all of this. He was slowly coming to terms with it all, even if he still had moments of undeniable anger and grief, but he just hoped he would start to feel like it was worth letting Dave die when Dave started feeling better. "I love you," he whispered.
"I love you too," Dave murmured. He shifted slightly. "I want to kiss you." Aaron could tell he was waiting for permission to move.
Aaron smiled faintly, and shifted so Dave could turn, then pressed his lips to Dave's. They were chapped, but warm, and Aaron lifted a hand to cup Dave's jaw, leaving control of the kiss totally to Dave; he wasn't sure what Dave felt up to or if his mouth was feeling better yet.
He was glad of his decision as Dave continued the kiss, trailing it into several short, light ones. It was obvious he was still sore, but he was clearly craving the intimacy of kissing. "Love you so much," Dave whispered between kisses. "You make me stronger. Mmm, Aaron..."
I wish that were true, Aaron thought. He couldn't do a damn thing to make Dave's body stronger. "Miss kissing you," he whispered. He'd never say it, but he missed a lot about their physical relationship since the chemo had started taking such a toll on Dave, even if it wasn't really anything that mattered in the grand scheme of things. "Thank you."
"I love kissing you," Dave murmured. He brushed his lips along Aaron's jaw. "You're so sexy. I always think that, even if I haven't had the energy to show you lately." His fingers were in Aaron's hair, stroking gently, the gesture tender more than arousing.
Aaron sighed happily, feeling a little better than he had when he got into bed. "You're still the most gorgeous man I know." He smiled slowly. "Bald and skinny or otherwise."
"Who're you callin' bald and skinny?" Dave demanded, but his voice was warm, and one hand slid slowly down Aaron's back to curl just above the swell of his ass. "If I wasn't so comfortable, I'd have to show you that I can still make you beg, bald and skinny or not." He kissed Aaron slowly, obviously an attempt to cut off any protest; it worked pretty well when his tongue flicked lightly against the roof of Aaron's mouth.
Aaron made a pleased noise, and a spark of arousal shot through him; it didn't take much these days. He pulled back in an attempt to curb his arousal before he wound up frustrated, though, because he knew Dave wasn't really up for it. "Did I ever deny you could?" he asked.
He could hear the smirk in Dave's voice, damn it. Sleepy, but definitely smirky. "Just don't forget it, then," Dave said, and kissed him again, with a little less teasing poured into it. Then he snuggled against Aaron, completely eliminating the safe distance he'd tried to create. Dave buried his face against Aaron's neck. "I wouldn't mind being right here while you jack off," he said, his voice muffled against Aaron's skin.
"God," Aaron choked out. Those words really didn't do anything to relax his body. He rolled onto his back, just a little away from Dave again, but more importantly, not letting his excitement press against Dave's leg. He made a negative noise and shook his head. "Not without you," he murmured. Not that they'd never done that before, but Aaron wasn't convinced Dave would really enjoy it much right now.
Dave sighed. "You really don't have to," he murmured, scooting closer again. "It would be hot watching you get off." But he just draped his arm across Aaron's chest and rested his head against his shoulder.
"I want you to be able to fully enjoy it," Aaron whispered, willing his body to calm. He turned his head and kissed Dave's forehead.
"Mmm, I would enjoy it just fine," Dave mumbled, but then he yawned, and Aaron could tell he was more worn out than he was trying to admit.
Aaron closed his eyes and sighed, happy enough to have Dave this close. "Shh," he whispered. "I love you."
"Love you." Dave tightened his arm around Aaron. "So much."
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no subject
Date: 2009-09-27 10:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-28 12:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-28 06:06 am (UTC)I have to say, after sleeping on it, it did come to me that Rossi is a pretty perfect character to tell that story. Because he *is* a fighter, but he's also somebody who values his quality of life. Which actually made me wonder, what came first, chicken or egg? Did you know you wanted to tell a quality of life story and Rossi was just the choice that made the most sense? Or did you figure you wanted to make Rossi sick and then the quality of life issue just popped up naturally?
DaveandAaron generally seem like a great choice for such a story, because support plays such a large role in their appeal (at least to me). For them it seems believable to tell a story like this with all the angst and all the drama but still in a way... pull back rather than completely drowning in it. Which again, major appeal of Rossi that yes, he does care and worry, but he can pull back and he can pull back others, but he can also resolve things and end them. For example, if I cast Hotch as the one being sick, my gut instinct would be that there might be a larger emphasis on making those last great moments with his loved ones (for their sake, to give them closure) and that a quality of life decision would be a much larger, laced with guilt struggle for him (again with the Hotchneverwantstodoanythingforthisownbenefit). While with Rossi, he does care and he does consider the various implications, but I think once he made the decision he will be at peace with it. And that's important so you can go to your death with clarity rather than while worrying the entire time whether you made the right decision.
(random, when Rossi talked about praying and normally not being mad at the unfairness of life, but being mad at God in this instance, I wonder if he ever had a short pang of "maybe it's because of all the being gay thing" only to deftly decide he wouldn't want anything to do with any God that thought like that or is it just *Dave* for him to be so sure that Hotch is this good for him it just can't be something bad, ever)
I always found it interesting that both times CM dealt with cancer the topic was always on the morality of the decision of men abandoning or pushing their families away before the fact to spare them the experience of them dying and the pros and cons of that.
so in my head I'm totally casting a scene where Hotch thanks Rossi for not doing that, because even though he gets that decision and the motivation of those men, including his father, at heart he's grateful that Rossi is not like that at all and that to him it is never even an issue to do something like thatno subject
Date: 2009-09-28 11:55 pm (UTC)We pretty much knew from the beginning that we wanted to focus on palliative care at the end of life, rather than having a miraculous cure. But I don't think we ever had a time when we were trying to decide what pairing this would be. It just had to be Dave/Aaron. I think that it wouldn't have worked as well with anyone else, for just those reasons you mention.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-29 01:38 am (UTC)of course not going with the palliative care would have made the fic even longer (;p) if you had to portray the twists and turns of a longer pre-stage. Since you stuck with a "covering every step of the way" approach. No shortcuts. Next to no "and btw, 8 months later they had tried out treatment XYZ, gotten crappy news several times and here we are now". I think that's my overwhelming impression of the fic. No shortcuts, as far as the eye of the reader/writer is concerned; a decided and deliberate covering of really all important bases.no subject
Date: 2009-10-01 02:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-01 02:54 am (UTC)I'm actually not a fan of Haley, but I try to be fair to her in fic, and I know
I'm glad you're still with us!