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geekystudmuffinTitle: The Last Best Days
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innerslytherin and severity_softly
Artist:tli
Pairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 147,800
Summary: Futurefic--Shortly before Dave turns sixty, he is diagnosed with a grade III brain tumor. He and Aaron have to come to terms with what this means for their relationship. Eventually the team has to help Aaron say goodbye.
Notes: Heavy angst. Lots of medical detail. Character death. This fic would not exist without the extensive help, support, encouragement, and hand-holding fromresolucidity, who served as our medical consultant throughout.
Master post
Chapter Eleven
Dave wore the cap Penelope made him to his next chemo appointment the following week. Aaron had taken the day off to come with him, and Spencer had promised to come by in the afternoon if the team got back from El Paso in time. Nurse Kate commented on Dave's hat, then smiled when he took it off to show her that he'd shaved.
"You're even more handsome without any hair," she teased, and put a hand on his arm. "Aaron, do you want to come back with him? Otherwise the nursing staff might flirt with him."
Aaron laughed, glad he could join Dave instead of making him go through it alone again. They got Dave settled in a recliner inside a little cubby. "You remember how this works with the huber needle, right?" she asked, and Dave nodded.
Aaron watched and tried not to flinch as she swabbed the skin with disinfectant and local anesthetic, then poked a needle-like device through the skin on Dave's chest to access the Port-a-Cath. He knew the port made things easier, but it was still a little creepy to think about there being an access port to a vein just outside Dave's heart.
Dave turned his head and grinned at Aaron. "Just like a snap," he observed.
"We're going to draw blood for some labs today, and then you can rest for a while before we start the chemo," Kate told him. "Doctor Morgan wants to check your red and white counts before we do anything."
Dave nodded. When Kate was done drawing blood, she opened a cabinet door on the wall of the little cubicle to expose a TV and DVD-player. "Here, Dave gets the remote, since he's the one going through the pain," she said, smiling at Aaron. "I'll be back in just a while."
Aaron smiled at her, then looked over at Dave. After a moment, he reached over and curled his fingers around Dave's hand. "You okay?"
"Yeah. The port thing helps." Dave squeezed his hand. "The rest of this isn't much fun, though, just so you know. It's not hard, it's just...boring." He shrugged. "Anyway, I watched a movie and fell asleep during part of it last time. It wasn't until afterwards that the real fun started." He rolled his eyes.
"Mmm," Aaron hummed thoughtfully. He stroked his thumb over Dave's. "Next time we can bring a DVD, I'm sure," he said. "Until then I'll just watch you sleep, I guess."
Dave snorted. "You can keep me awake." He gave Aaron a suggestive look just as Nurse Kate came back.
"Only if I get to watch," she joked, and then stuck a thermometer at Dave. "Need your temperature. Your white count's a little low. Have you been sniffling or coughing or anything? No fever, right?"
Dave, with the thermometer under his tongue, just shook his head and made a negative noise.
"Hmm." She checked his pulse and blood pressure, then nodded. "Okay, we're going to go ahead and do the chemo today, but the doctor wants to keep an eye on your counts, so I'm going to draw some more blood first, and you'll have to come back Monday or Tuesday." She worked as she spoke, her hands efficient and sure.
Once she was finished, she left them with a pat to Dave's hand and a smile for Aaron. Then they just sat together, talking quietly when they felt like it. After a while Dave got Aaron to scoot his chair a little closer and leaned his head against Aaron's shoulder.
"F'you could go anywhere in the world, would it still be Ireland?" he asked. He sounded sleepy.
Aaron smiled faintly. "Dave, it doesn't really matter to me."
"Matters to me. We've traveled a good part of North America with our jobs, but I don't know if you've been off the continent, except for that cruise for our five-year-anniversary, and I'm not sure if that counts."
"I told you, I'd be happy to go wherever you wanted to go," Aaron said.
Dave snorted. "And I want to take you somewhere you've always wanted to go, and see you experience it."
"We're not going anywhere anytime soon," Aaron said.
"Sure we are," Dave said. "As soon as I'm feeling better, I'm taking you on that trip before it's too late."
Aaron was silent for a moment, and too still. Dave held a sigh, and Aaron squeezed his hand. "Don't talk like that," he murmured.
"Hey, I'm not getting any younger," Dave said. "And I want to go while we can enjoy ourselves. I've decided to stop putting things off, because I don't want to have any regrets, even if I live to be a hundred and ten."
"Then you pick someplace," Aaron said.
"That's not the point," Dave replied. "Look, I'm just making conversation. Daydreaming. Thinking about things I want to experience with you by my side that I haven't experienced yet." He squeezed Aaron's hand and looked up at him. "I thought you would enjoy making plans for the future."
"I do," Aaron said. "Yeah, Ireland sounds fine."
"Are you patronizing me now?" Dave asked, eying him suspiciously.
"No," Aaron said. "But I'll honestly go wherever you want, so I'm not sure why you're pushing me to pick."
"Because you're so completely the opposite of selfish that sometimes I feel the need to push you into saying what you really want," Dave said.
"And I told you already, but I'm open to anything," Aaron replied, sighing.
Dave snorted, but he sounded amused. "Fine. We'll go to Ireland," he said, and leaned his head on Aaron's shoulder again. "Ugh. Maybe you should see if Kate can give me something more for the nausea."
"Okay," Aaron said. He kissed the top of Dave's head, squeezing his hand before getting up to go find Nurse Kate.
When they got home from the clinic, they found Emily and Spencer sitting on the front porch. Emily's car was the only one in the drive, and when Aaron got out of the car, he found out why.
"My car wouldn't start when we got back from Texas," Spencer said. "But Emily said she'd like to come see Dave. If that's okay."
Dave was still in the car, with the seat reclined half-way. Aaron glanced at him, then went to stand closer to Spencer and Emily.
"I know he won't be feeling well," Emily said. "Spencer said they're using 'I-run-to-the-can'." She made a face and Aaron thought of the two months she'd taken off just before Ambassador Prentiss died.
Dave had been all right with Spencer being here after his treatment, and he and Emily were close. But Aaron wondered if having two people instead of one would be too much for Dave right now. "Let me ask him if he's up to company," he told them, and headed back to the car.
He opened the passenger seat and put his hand on Dave's knee. "Spencer and Emily are here. Are you feeling up to company?"
Dave blinked sleepily at him for several moments, then yawned. "Sure. But I'm pretty wiped, so I won't be company for long. Tell 'em they can stay and hang out with you after I crash." He smiled at Aaron and started to shift in preparation to get up.
Aaron helped him out of the car, and held a hand up to steady him, waiting to see if Dave needed it. Dave was a little more steady this time, though, so Dave waved him off, and Aaron walked over to Emily and Spencer. "He's not going to be great company, and he'll probably lie down shortly," he told them, but they were standing to head inside before he finished.
"I like your hat," Emily said, grinning at him.
"Hands off, this one's mine," Dave growled at her, but his expression was warm.
They let Dave go first, and he settled down in his recliner while Spencer got Dave's afghan off the couch for him. Dave took it gratefully and then let out a long sigh. "It's good to see you," he said, smiling at them.
Emily smiled at him. "You look good," she said.
"Huh. I've felt better, that's for sure. But I'm glad to know I've still got my looks." He held out a hand and squeezed hers momentarily. "Aaron offer you two anything to drink?"
Aaron snorted and looked at them. "Anything to drink?" he repeated.
Spencer jumped out of his seat. "No, I'll get it. Emily?"
"Whatever you're having," she said as he disappeared.
Dave grunted in amusement. "So tell me what's been going on at the BAU. Got to keep up on current events while I re--re--get better."
Aaron tried to change the subject, but Dave was persistent, and Emily shrugged and started filling him in, not even batting an eye when he had to interrupt the conversation to go down the hall. Spencer ended up cooking an early supper for them all, made of mild foods that Dave tried to eat. He ended up feeling worse, though, and lay down shortly after.
Spencer was inclined to feel bad, but Aaron and Emily got him cheered up and they played Scrabble and talked for the next couple of hours. By the time Emily said she really needed to go feed her dog, it was almost time that Aaron could feel justified in joining Dave in bed.
Aaron said goodbye to her and Spencer, then tidied up a bit before getting into bed. He slipped under the covers carefully and rolled up next to Dave, staying as quiet as possible as he wrapped an arm around his lover, in case he was asleep.
Dave shifted into his touch, then said sleepily, "Time's it?"
"Almost nine," Aaron whispered, and kissed Dave's shoulder.
"Feel like shit," Dave muttered. He sighed and moved closer. "C'mere."
"Do you need more medicine?" Aaron asked. He tightened his arms on Dave gently.
"I just want you here," Dave said. He turned and tucked his head against Aaron's neck. "M'cold. And I wanted you."
Aaron hummed a content noise, please to have Dave so close, even if he was worried. He pressed his hand to the back of Dave's head to warm it, and sighed. "Your stomach feeling okay?"
"Not great, but not awful," Dave said. He made a noise that wasn't quite a whimper and wasn't quite a groan. "Sometimes the pain is just...frightening," he whispered.
Aaron frowned. "How so?"
Dave shivered and moved closer. "It's hard to ignore your fears when you're in pain." His fingers pressed lightly against Aaron's side.
Aaron sighed and stroked his hand down Dave's back. "I'm sorry," he murmured.
"Don't apologize." Dave sighed. "You make it easier." He turned his head to kiss Aaron's skin. "Easier to believe I'll make it. Easier to ignore my fears." He let out a shaky breath. "I love you, Aaron."
"I love you too," Aaron said, closing his eyes and listening to Dave's breathing for a few moments. "Do you need me to get out the electric blanket?" He would be hot under it, but it was worth it to make Dave comfortable.
"No, just hold me," Dave said. "Don't leave me alone." It was painful to hear how tired and weak he sounded. "Stay here."
Aaron held on to his emotions and didn't let go. He nodded slowly and kissed Dave's head. "Should I have inserted a catheter before joining you?" he murmured, hoping it might make Dave smile.
Dave huffed a breath and nudged him. "I guess you can leave to pee," he said, sounding a little more like himself. "But no longer than that."
Aaron smiled faintly. "Deal."
***
The next several weeks were hard. Aaron ended up taking more time off than he'd planned because Dave began having more bad days than good. When JJ realized he was wearing himself out, she went behind his back to call Sean and Haley, and then worked out a schedule for people to start staying with Dave so Aaron could go back to work. He didn't want to, but Dave was adamant, and what he said was true: while Aaron was on cases, he got more rest than he did when he was home with Dave.
They talked on the phone every night Aaron was away, through cases in Las Cruces, Sacramento, Sioux Falls, and Nashville. Dave admitted that he was still having severe headaches, but he said he'd told Doctor Morgan about them, and told Aaron not to worry. The team members rotated out their annual leave, beginning with Spencer, to spend one case each with Dave so Aaron would feel a little less guilty about going.
When the team got back from the Nashville case, Emily was the one who had been staying with Sean and Dave. She was waiting for Aaron in his office when the team got back, and it brought back vivid memories of the time he'd come back from a case and found her waiting in his office, determined to prove she deserved a spot on the team. Then he realized that she ought to be with Dave, and the bottom dropped out of his stomach.
"Emily," he said, his voice suddenly more anxious than he'd meant it to sound. "Why are you here?"
"Hi." She looked tired. "I need to talk to you, and I didn't want Dave to know. Sean's with him now." She didn't even try to smile, just held his gaze.
He could feel himself frowning, and he realized he was almost hovering in the doorway as if he might have had to rush back out of his office. "What's going on?"
"Sit down?" she said, gesturing at the settee. "We have time. Dave's resting, nothing's going on. I just need to talk to you."
He watched her for a moment, a sinking feeling in his chest. "If there's something--" He stopped talking and shook his head. She'd just told him nothing was wrong. He sighed and crossed the room to sit.
She nodded and sat back down next to him. "I wanted to talk to you about what this week's been like." She licked her lips. "And what last week was like, except JJ...couldn't make herself tell you. And Sean doesn't want to tell you." She reached out and took his hand in both of hers, holding his gaze.
Aaron just stared at her for a moment, then shook his head and looked away. This wasn't good. She wouldn't have come out here to talk to him in private if it wasn't something bad. She wouldn't be looking at him like that if...
"What?" he forced himself to say, as calmly as he could.
"Hotch..." She pressed her lips together, then said, "Dave isn't as strong as he's trying to make you think." She hadn't looked away from him, but as she held his gaze he saw tears well up in her eyes. "He spends a lot of time horribly sick, and the anti-nausea drugs aren't really helping. He's weighed down with fatigue..." She took a jerky breath and looked down. When she spoke again, her voice was low. "His lawyer came out to the house this week. And Father Davidson."
Aaron's chest felt like it was caving in suddenly. His lips parted in surprise, and he stared at her, feeling... he wasn't sure how he felt. Stunned, maybe.
When his eyes started to burn, he wasn't sure if it was grief or anger. "He didn't tell me that," he said, looking away and clenching his jaw.
"He's trying to be strong for you," she whispered. "But the chemo's hard on him. I think it's making him feel worse, and it brings fatigue, and...I think he's afraid it's not working." She looked up at him, not bothering to wipe away the wetness on her cheeks. "It scares me to see him like this, because I'm afraid he's giving up."
"He's not giving up," Aaron said immediately, but he felt a pang of worry seize him. Dave called his lawyer. He called Jimmy. He shook his head, as if it would make it not true. "I should go home," he said, moving to stand. He wanted to get out of this office.
"Hotch, wait," she said, grabbing his hand again. "Please, just a little longer." She sniffled and shook her head. "When he's been able to get out of the recliner for a while, he's been working on financial arrangements and...I'm not sure what all, because sometimes he shuts the study door for a while. But I think he's trying to get his affairs in order."
"I don't want to talk about this," he said tersely, trying to hide the odd mixture of hurt and anger bubbling up inside him. He didn't want to talk about this at all, let alone to her.
"You need to talk to him about this," she urged him. Her voice was quiet and shaking, but her gaze was steady. "Hotch, he spends most of the day sleeping so he'll feel good for your phone call in the evening."
He pulled his hand away from her and stood. "Enough," he said. "Just..." His voice deflated. "Enough."
He scrubbed his hand over his face and picked up his briefcase from where he'd put it down. It wasn't exactly rational, but he wanted nothing more than to go yell at Dave right now. He held up a hand, not wanting her to stop him this time. "I should go home."
She nodded, tears still sliding down her cheeks. "Aaron," she said quietly, "he isn't trying to hurt you. He loves you so much." Then she dropped her head and pressed her fingers to her mouth. "Go home."
Aaron pressed his lips together, but didn't say anything. He just left the office and headed out of the building.
The whole time he drove home, he tried to calm himself down, but Emily's words kept circling in his mind, and he was just getting more upset.
He threw the car in park in the driveway and headed inside. Dave was in the recliner, and Aaron saw him smile, but he just walked right up to Sean. "Can you find someplace else to be for an hour?"
Sean's eyebrows went up, but he didn't really look surprised. He just nodded. "See ya later, Dave. Good to have you home, Aaron." He gripped Aaron's shoulder for a moment as he headed past him to the door.
"Hey," Dave said. He'd lost more weight, and he was wearing the cap Garcia had made him. He also took a long moment to begin getting up. "I missed you."
"You called your lawyer?" Aaron said, frowning and not moving closer. "And you called Jimmy out here?"
Dave's smile fell apart and he sighed. "Ah. I wondered where Emily was tonight." He took a long breath. "I want to make sure I have everything in order. Mostly it's the medical bills I've been worried about. I got used to updating my will a lot during the marriages phase of my life." His attempt at humor fell utterly flat.
"I'm not worried about the bills," Aaron said, then let out a gust of breath, trying to keep his anger from overflowing. It didn't work. "Damn it, David, why haven't you told me any of this?!" he demanded.
"I didn't see any reason to," Dave said. "You've always known the conditions of my will, and as for the bills...you're working. I might as well take care of those." He closed his eyes for a moment, then moved closer. "We don't need to argue about it, Aaron."
"Don't do this," Aaron said, though he wasn't exactly sure what he was asking just yet. "Emily wouldn't have come to the BAU and waited in my office to talk to me when I got in if she didn't think it was important," he said, his voice accusatory and clipped, but not loud anymore. "She said you've been sleeping all day so that you sounded normal when I called. She said she thinks you're afraid it's not working."
Dave frowned and rubbed at his forehead. "Aaron, I'm tired. I just...sometimes it's hard to get out of bed. We knew the chemo was going to cause more fatigue this time around. I never said I don't think it's working." He let out a long sigh and met Aaron's gaze. "I love you. I just didn't want you to worry while you were gone. I've been getting by okay."
"And that's why everyone who's looked after you for two weeks has been afraid to tell me how you've been feeling?" Aaron said. "I need to know how you're feeling, Dave," Aaron insisted. "If anything happened to you..." The throat tightened and his eyes stung. He clenched his jaw and looked away, unable to finish what he was going to say.
Dave snorted. "Aaron, here's a news flash: something has happened to me. I've got a fucking brain tumor. I'm just trying to live with that, okay? Sometimes I feel like shit. Sometimes I feel relatively good. But quite honestly, I've forgotten what 'good' actually feels like."
Aaron closed his eyes, pressing his lips together. "You need to tell me," he repeated. "Otherwise my entire team is watching you, my family, everyone sees what's happening, and I don't even know what's going on because you won't tell me," he said, his voice rising as he spoke. He opened his eyes and looked at Dave, not bothering to hide the tears of hurt in his eyes. "I love you. You need to trust me to be able to handle it when you're sick and not hide it from me. I should be here with you, if you're feeling that bad, not in California or Tennessee or wherever else we might be."
Dave sighed and moved closer, lifting a hand to touch Aaron's cheek, then letting it fall again. "You already handle so much," he said. "You're my partner. I'm supposed to take care of you. I'm supposed to protect you. And I feel like such a Goddamn burden... I hate this. I hate seeing you worn out and sad because of me." Tears were starting to gather in his eyes too, and he looked down.
"You're not a burden," Aaron said, taking Dave's hand. "But I can't be out of the loop on what's happening to my own lover. I need you, Dave, and that means all of you, the good and the bad."
Dave shook his head. "We seem to have this...this...to...talk about this an awful lot," he muttered. "You don't want to know some of the bad. I just...I can't make myself do that to you. It's bad enough having anyone see it. It's bad enough thinking about how tired you're getting. You never give yourself a break, Aaron."
Aaron shook his head and looked seriously at Dave. "I do want to know," he insisted.
"You want to know how sometimes I don't bother getting out of bed until Sean comes in and makes me?" Dave said. "You want to know how sometimes after I go to bed I can't do anything but cry because it hurts so fucking much and I'm so damn lonely and scared I'm going to die?" He was breathing hard as he looked at Aaron. "You want to know how pissed off I am at God right now that I'm sick again? You really want all that?"
Tears welled up in Aaron's eyes again, and this time they spilled over. His chest ached so badly suddenly that it felt like he might stop breathing. God. Dave had been going through all of this alone, not telling anyone.
"Yes," Aaron said, and pulled Dave against him. "Yes. I should be here when you're lonely. I should be here." He closed his eyes, wanting to stop the tears, but he suddenly couldn't seem to hold Dave tight enough.
"Well I don't want to say all that," Dave managed, his voice choked. He was clutching at Aaron, though, leaning into him and shaking. "I don't want to even admit it to myself. I just want to pretend I'm just tired and it's just the fucking chemo."
Aaron huffed something that wasn't a laugh. He didn't know what it was. "It is the chemo, Dave. It's just a rough patch," he said.
"Do you really think so?" Dave asked. His fingers dug into Aaron's back. "I don't think it is. Sometimes I catch myself staring into space and I have to try to remember what I'm doing. My brain's not working the way it used to. I think the tumor's spreading. Shouldn't I be getting better if the chemo's working?"
"The chemo's hard on everybody," Aaron said. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. "Have you talked to Dr. Morgan?"
"A couple weeks ago," Dave said. "I have another appointment in a couple days. I figured you might be home in time for it." He shuddered. "I was going to ask you to stay."
"I'll stay," Aaron said. He kissed Dave's head, the tears starting again. "Don't give up on me."
"I'm not giving up," Dave said. "I just..." He slumped against Aaron. "I just don't think it's working."
Aaron clamped his eyes shut tight and focused on trying to breath. "It's got to be," he said, his voice choked.
Dave took a shaky breath. "Aaron, you know the survival rates aren't good. Hell, we were lucky I got six good months before it came back. Twenty-nine percent, Aaron. And the number goes down the older you are."
"Don't," Aaron said. "Please." He had the horrible feeling he was going to fall apart. Literally fall apart. "Let's just go to bed. Sean has a key."
"We can't ignore the fact that it could happen," Dave said. His mouth was against Aaron's skin, muffling his voice. "We can't just hide our heads in the sand."
Aaron sighed heavily. "Not tonight. I just got home. I'm tired. You're tired. Let's just... wait and see what Dr. Morgan says." He couldn't think about losing Dave. He couldn't lose Dave, and if he thought like that, there was no hope. He had to be strong for Dave, even if Dave wasn't going to be strong for himself. Even if he felt utterly weak and powerless himself.
Dave made a quiet noise that Aaron realized, after a moment, was a laugh. "I'm always tired," he muttered, but his fingers slid into Aaron's hair. "Fine, let's go to bed."
Aaron slept badly. Dave slept like a rock. Aaron had to chalk it up to Dave's illness, as there was no way Dave wasn't upset, and that only made Aaron's mind a more hectic place.
When eight o'clock rolled around, Aaron sighed and kissed Dave's head, then slid out of Dave's arms. Dave didn't wake up, and Aaron sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing his face and wanting to cry, but for some reason he just felt drained and miserable, and empty.
He tugged on one of Dave's robes, not caring that it was too short. He wasn't cold anyway; he just wanted to wear it, and Dave had others. He headed out to use the bathroom, then decided brushing his teeth and otherwise taking care of himself, his morning routine, was pointless today, so he just went to the kitchen.
Sean was sitting at the table, which struck Aaron as odd, considering Sean usually didn't get up this early, but Aaron was just grateful there was already coffee made. He made himself a cup and slumped into the seat across from Sean without a word, staring blankly across the room.
Sean rubbed a hand through his hair and looked at him with reddened eyes. Aaron hadn't really looked at him the night before, but Sean didn't look like he'd been sleeping well, either. Or maybe it was just last night.
"Hi," Sean said.
"Morning," Aaron said. He didn't sound like himself. His voice was almost distant to his own ears.
"How is he?" Sean's gaze dropped back down to the tabletop.
"Sleeping," Aaron said. It wasn't really an answer, and he knew it.
Sean nodded. "I don't think I can do this, Aaron," he said hoarsely.
Aaron looked at Sean. He opened his mouth to speak, but then shut it again, feeling a little like he'd been punched in the chest. "What do you mean you can't do this?"
"It...this was different the first time. Dave was sick, but he was upbeat. He..." Sean shook his head. "Emily's pretty pissed at me, and she's right to be. I couldn't talk to you about this. I know JJ felt awful about it, and I know I should have been the one to talk to you instead of Emily..." He rubbed a hand over his face. "I'm just not good at this."
Aaron just stared at him, not really caring about who told him. He hadn't thought about that until now, and yes, it hurt a little that his own brother was afraid to tell him, but that wasn't his biggest issue at the moment. "You can't do this?" he said, his tone quietly incredulous.
"I'm sorry," Sean said. "I'm not good at this. I know it's not fair, but I can't...I can't see him like this. Call me a coward. I just...I don't know, Aaron."
Aaron expelled a breath, suddenly feeling wounded beyond belief. He lifted a hand and pressed it over his eyes. Sean wasn't going to support them? Aaron's lover was possibly dying and Sean couldn't handle it?! "Get out," he said, his tone low and angry.
"I...what?" Sean stared at him.
"If you can't handle it, get the fuck out of my house!" Aaron shouted, dropping his hand and glaring at Sean, suddenly furious.
"You're throwing me out?" Sean asked, still staring. "Aaron--"
"Get. Out," Aaron said, through clenched teeth.
"Fine." Sean gulped his coffee and stood up. "Fine. I should have known better than to try to be honest with you. God forbid that we aren't all as strong as Aaron fucking Hotchner, man of fucking steel." He slammed the coffee cup down on the table and stormed out of the room.
Aaron pressed his hands to his face, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes until he saw stars. He was angry and angry tears were threatening now, and he didn't want to cry. He was sick to fucking death of crying.
He dropped his hand and curled his fingers around his coffee cup, gripping it hard. His heart was hammering in his chest. He wanted to scream; he felt like something horrible was trying to claw its way out of his chest. He stood, and before he could stop himself, he hurled his cup at the wall. It shattered, sending glass shards and coffee down the wall and across the kitchen floor.
Sean couldn't do this?! "Fuck," he hissed, and left everything like it was, retreating to the study and shutting himself in. He didn't want to even look at his brother when he left.
Aaron could hear Sean slamming drawers and thumping things around in the guest bedroom for a while, and then things got quiet again. After a while he heard the guest bedroom door open hard enough that it banged off the wall. A few moments later the front door slammed.
He just sat at the desk with his head in his hands, clutching at his hair. His breathing was so harsh with emotion that he almost didn't hear the door to the study open. When he looked up, Dave was leaning against the doorjamb, his robe pulled tightly around him and a confused expression on his face.
"Is everything okay?"
"Everything's fantastic. Why do you ask?" Aaron said, his voice shaking with anger and hurt. "Go back to bed. I'm sorry we woke you."
Dave sighed and came into the room. "Clearly everything's not all right. So I phrased the question poorly. What's wrong?" He leaned against the desk and ran his fingers gently through Aaron's hair.
"Sean went home. That's it," Aaron said.
"Sean went home?" Dave's fingers slid down to cup Aaron's jaw. "Why? What happened?" His voice was soft.
Aaron closed his eyes, and turned his head into Dave's touch. But he didn't want to talk about it. "Go back to sleep. I'm fine."
"You're obviously not fine. Are you going to hold out on me less than a day after yelling at me for doing that to you?" Dave kept stroking Aaron's skin, despite his words.
Aaron sighed, and gave Dave's hand a tug, wanting Dave in his lap. Once Dave settled there, Aaron wrapped his arms around him and pressed his face to Dave's shoulder. "He said he couldn't handle this." He drew a deep breath. "So I told him he could leave."
"Oh, God, you idiot," Dave said, his voice warm with affection. He ran his hand over Aaron's hair and kissed the top of his head. "Aaron, he's your brother. You're going to need him. And not everyone's cut out for this. He's done his best." He sighed and held Aaron tighter.
"He's my brother, and he's not going to be here for me--us--when we need him," Aaron said.
"He's done an awful lot already," Dave said. He kissed the top of Aaron's head again. "Maybe we could get Georgie to come stay for a while, if you want. Or maybe you just both need some time to cool down and talk about this again."
"If he wants to talk, he can come back and be a fucking adult."
Dave sighed and squeezed Aaron again. "Why don't you come back to bed?" he murmured. "We don't have to get ready for the...for...my doctor thing yet." He shifted a little and got a finger under Aaron's chin to lift his face for a real kiss. "I got cold without you."
"I doubt I can sleep." Aaron was exhausted, but he felt even more anxious now.
"We don't have to sleep," Dave said, his voice dropping suggestively. He kissed Aaron again. "Come on. We can talk in bed, and I'll be more comfortable there."
Aaron sighed, but nodded, and nudged Dave off his lap. When he stood, he felt weak, but he just took Dave's hand and let Dave lead then back to bed. "I love you," he murmured when they got inside the darkened bedroom.
"I love you too, Aaron," Dave said. He pulled Aaron over to the bed and tugged him down without bothering to take off their bathrobes. "Come here," he murmured, pulling Aaron against him. He stroked his hand along Aaron's back for a long time. "Sean's always been there for us, Aaron," he said after a while. "I know this is hard for you, but he's like a brother to me, and if our positions were reversed, it would be hell to watch him going through this. Just give him some time."
"If our positions were reversed, I would be strong for him, and you know it," Aaron said, his voice tense again.
"Shh. I know that. And you know Sean knows that." Dave kissed him. "You're the strongest man I know, Aaron," he whispered. "The best man I know. A better man than Sean or I, that's for damn sure." Dave sighed and tightened his arms around Aaron. "He feels guilty that he's not as strong as you."
Aaron sighed. "Can we not talk about this?"
"I'm sorry," Dave murmured. "I love you. We'll be all right." He kissed Aaron softly.
"With or without my brother," Aaron said.
Dave was surprised when Aaron actually fell asleep for a while. Dave found himself holding Aaron and listening to him breathe while staring up at the ceiling. He wasn't really surprised that Sean felt he couldn't stay any longer, and he wasn't even angry. He was disappointed, because he knew how hurt Aaron was by the seeming desertion. But Dave had spent the past three weeks with Sean, and he could understand how hard Sean was taking all of this. Dave wasn't sure how to explain it to Aaron, but he knew that a large part of Sean's grief was coming from watching his strong, confident older brother start fraying at the edges.
Eventually Dave got up and took a quick shower, forcing himself through the motions despite how sluggish he felt. He needed to be as strong as he could be for Aaron, at least today. When he was done in the bathroom he headed for the kitchen, wanting a cup of the coffee he could smell, even if Doc Morgan had told him to cut back on the caffeine again.
He was grateful he'd put his house slippers on when he found the shattered coffee cup by crunching a shard of ceramic under his feet. Frowning, he backed up, looking down, and then he noticed the brown stain on the wall and the drying puddle under his feet.
"Oh, Aaron," he sighed, and went to get some paper towels. He was down on his hands and knees wiping up the mess, having already picked up the pieces of the cup, when he heard footsteps behind him.
"God," Aaron said. "Get off the floor. You don't have to clean that up." He walked over and crouched, meeting Dave's gaze, then tugging Dave with him as he stood back up. "Don't. It's my mess." He still looked exhausted, dark circles under his eyes, but he looked slightly better after his nap than he had earlier this morning.
He touched Dave's cheek, then kissed him briefly. "I'm sorry," he said. "What do you want to eat?"
"Well, I didn't want to step in it and track it all over," Dave said. He slid an arm around Aaron's waist and kissed him. "Was that Sean or you?"
Aaron sighed. "Me," he said. "I can make pancakes, and I'll clean it up in a minute."
"That's fine." Dave leaned his head against Aaron's shoulder. "I love you," he murmured. He wasn't sure what else to say. He was out of promises. Things just weren't right; he could tell the chemo wasn't working. He'd expected the fatigue, but he'd been having spells where he got disoriented and couldn't remember what he was doing. He knew that wasn't normal.
"I love you too," Aaron said, then kissed the side of Dave's head. He pulled away and went to get breakfast started, while Dave went to make coffee. "Not supposed to have caffeine," Aaron murmured, but he didn't do anything to stop Dave.
"I can't say I really care this morning," Dave said. "Not with the way you've been throwing coffee around like it's not a precious commodity."
Aaron put the pan down on the burner a little too loudly, then he braced his hands against the counter. "I lost my temper. Do I have to apologize again?"
"I wasn't asking for an apology," Dave said, deliberately keeping his voice mild. "I was just making an observation. I don't care about the cup of coffee. I care about the fact that you're so upset you threw it in the first place."
"I'm fine now," Aaron said. "It's over." He went back to gathering things for breakfast.
Dave sighed but didn't argue. God, who was going to take care of Aaron when he was gone? Who was going to push him to acknowledge his emotions and admit that they had value? Who was going to make him eat ice cream at two in the morning just because? Dave shuddered and stirred more sugar into his coffee.
He offered to help with breakfast, but Aaron just waved him off, so he went and settled in the recliner. Aaron came in not long after and handed him a plate, and they sat with the TV on low, enjoying a quiet breakfast together. Well, enjoying was a strong word, considering Dave doubted either of them was very happy right now.
Doctor Morgan didn't keep them waiting long when they got to his office. Aaron didn't know how much Dave was still holding back about the past several weeks. Dave had told him a lot about his recent blood work and the fact that he'd needed a transfusion last week to continue chemo. All the same, he seemed hesitant about each piece of information he shared, and Aaron wasn't sure if it was because of Sean or because Dave was just scared.
"Dave, Aaron, come sit down," Doctor Morgan said, gesturing for them to step into his office. "How are you feeling today?"
Dave shrugged. "Tired. Discouraged." Doctor Morgan just nodded and glanced at Aaron.
Aaron gave him a grim smile. "I'm not the one you need to be worried about," he said.
"Your well-being is a big concern to Dave," Doctor Morgan replied, but he looked back at Dave. "The latest MRI isn't good, Dave. You expressed concerns last time you were here, and your call on Tuesday is why we did the MRI yesterday. There are some new lesions that weren't there when we started treatment. Tell me more about the additional problems you've been having lately."
Dave had lowered his head and was rubbing idly at his forehead while he listened. Finally he nodded. "I've been having blurred vision sometimes, and there have been...spells, I guess, or episodes. Just moments of disorientation when I realize I don't know what I'm doing."
Aaron frowned, then closed his eyes for a moment. 'There are some new lesions that weren't there when we started treatment'. He drew a deep breath and looked at Dave, slipping his hand into Dave's. Dave's fingers curled around his.
"That fits with the location of the new lesions," Doctor Morgan said, nodding. "These moments of disorientation, how long do they last? Describe them for me."
Dave took a breath. "I...The best I can describe it is...I'll be sitting somewhere and realize I've been staring into space, tugging at my shirt collar, or maybe scratching or something." He shrugged. "It's nothing much, except I don't remember what I was doing before that moment. I don't...I just..." He shrugged again. "And then I'm just tired."
Doctor Morgan sighed. "It sounds like you're experiencing what's called a complex partial seizure. You wouldn't actually lose consciousness or go into convulsions. Complex partial seizures involve repetitive motions or gestures followed by periods of confusion." He wrote something down. "We'll get you started on some anti-seizure medications, which should help with that. How are you doing with the side effects of the irinotecan?"
Aaron was staring at the edge of Doctor Morgan's desk. He couldn't find any words. He was just starting to feel more and more stunned--not surprised necessarily, but shell shocked. Dave's voice sounded distant when he started answering the question.
He listened absently to Dave's complaint of extreme fatigue, as well as the weight loss and nausea. He heard Doctor Morgan say the nausea could be from intracranial pressure due to the new lesions. Doctor Morgan suggested some new medications, and then brought up the possibility of a new chemotherapy drug.
That was when Dave said, "I've actually been reading about palliative care and quality of life."
Aaron's mind snapped back to reality and he turned to stare at Dave. "What?" he asked, knowing he sounded both confused and scared all at once, and hating it.
Doctor Morgan cleared his throat. "This is really something you should discuss with your spouse before making any decisions." He sounded uncomfortable.
"I'm bringing it up in front of him now," Dave said, "and I haven't made any decisions. But I want to know what my options are like, and that's one of them."
"I'd like to stress that there is a myriad of chemotherapy drugs we haven't tried," Doctor Morgan said. "Not to mention the possibility of a second course of radiation or a clinical trial."
Aaron was still staring at Dave, hurt that Dave hadn't mentioned that to him in private, that he'd just dropped that bomb right in front of the doctor, as if he thought bringing it up here would spare him from Aaron's reaction.
Aaron had to fight himself not to get up and leave, but instead he just pulled his hand away from Dave and crossed his arms over himself. He sat back and looked at Doctor Morgan, clenching his jaw until it hurt. "How would those go?" he asked, ignoring what Dave had brought up.
Doctor Morgan seemed relieved that Aaron had asked a question about further curative treatments, and began outlining a course of action that would include trying other chemotherapy drugs and regimens. Dave listened with barely-masked impatience for a time, then broke in.
"And how much longer would I live with that?" He asked it quietly, but it stopped the conversation for a moment. "I know the dire reality of my situation. I'm not saying I want to give up. But I want to know what my options are. If we keep trying to 'cure' me, what would the rest of my life be like? Would I have another six months of constant nausea, diarrhea and fatigue? Would I be dealing with chronic pain and further disability? Would it be better than palliative care? I've read about morphine pumps that I can hook up to the port and carry around with me. Without the chemo I wouldn't feel so fatigued I have a hard time getting out of bed, would I? I wouldn't have the constant nausea and digestive issues?"
Doctor Morgan frowned. "The nausea is quite possibly not related entirely to the chemotherapy," he began.
Aaron let out a sharp breath, and Doctor Morgan stopped. He bit his lip hard to keep himself from losing his cool, but his throat ached and he had to force the emotion away. "You're giving up," he said, shaking his head, and drew a shaky breath. Stay calm. Don't fall apart now.
Dave turned to face him, taking Aaron's hand in both of his. "I'm not giving up, Aaron," he said softly. "I'm exploring my options. And at some point, I have to ask whether the last months of my life will be better spent fighting and cursing fate, or spending time with the man I love above all else, relatively free of pain and able to move under my own power." He squeezed Aaron's hand gently. "I have to ask these questions," he said. "I need you to understand that."
"If you stop taking treatment, you're giving up," Aaron said slowly. He couldn't look at Dave, and he knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that it was unfair, but he didn't really care right now.
There was a long silence. Just as Doctor Morgan opened his mouth to speak, Dave sighed.
"All right," he said quietly. "I don't know. Whatever you think is best."
Aaron turned his head and glared at Dave. "Don't do that."
"Don't do what?" Dave said, looking back at him. His expression was blank. "I'm conceding the argument. I'll do whatever you want."
"Don't patronize me," Aaron said, starting to get angry.
Dave sighed. "I'm not patronizing you, Aaron," he said. He didn't look away. "If you don't think palliative care should be an option, then I'm saying I won't pursue it any further." He closed his eyes for a moment and took a long breath, then looked at Aaron again. "I made a promise to you that I wouldn't give up. So we'll go on to some other drug. Maybe a clinical trial."
Aaron stared at Dave. Dave's words didn't make him feel any better. After a moment, he sighed heavily and looked away, shaking his head and biting his lips together. He couldn't do this.
"Excuse me," he said, glancing at Doctor Morgan, then he got up and headed out of the office.
He heard Dave say his name, but he noticed Dave didn't follow him as he went to the bathroom and ran the cold water. He couldn't meet his own gaze in the mirror. He didn't want to know what he looked like right now. Instead he splashed water on his face, then tried to muster the will to go back into Doctor Morgan's office.
After a few moments of trying, he conceded defeat. God. Defeated by his own emotions; how weak was that? But even that thought didn't help, and he eventually left the bathroom and went outside, hoping it might help him breathe. He peered across the parking lot to his car, and then just stopped and sat on the curb, dropping his head into his hands.
He had no idea how much time had passed when he felt a gentle touch on his shoulder. "Aaron. Do you want to go home?"
"I don't care," Aaron said, not lifting his head.
"Do you want to go to work?" Dave's hand squeezed gently. "Do you want to kick me in the nuts? Do you want to turn me over to Mama Rosa and have her make me behave?"
"You're not funny," Aaron muttered. He lifted his head, but just stared across the parking lot.
"I wasn't really trying to be. Those are all options, though I'm not a fan of the kicking in the nuts one." Dave sighed and lowered himself to the curb with a groan. "God, I'm not as young as I used to be." He leaned against Aaron and didn't say anything for a while.
Aaron didn't say anything either. He just tried not to lash out or cry or... anything. Eventually he sighed and said, "I am so furious with you right now."
Dave was quiet for a moment longer, then whispered, "I know." After a while, his hand slipped into one of Aaron's.
"No. You don't," Aaron murmured.
"I may not know exactly how you feel, but I know you're furious," Dave said quietly. "I don't blame you. And I'm sorry."
Aaron shook his head. "I'm not going to make decisions about your life for you, but I have the right to be upset by the ones you make," he said. He dropped his head in his free hand and pressed it to his eyes when tears threatened again.
Dave sighed. "I haven't made any decisions, Aaron," he said. "I was asking questions. I was getting information. I wouldn't make a decision like that without discussing it with you."
"You could barely wait for him to stop talking about treatment options when I asked about them. All you wanted to talk about was stopping them," Aaron said, then he sighed and stood, giving Dave's hand a gentle pull. "Let's go home."
Dave let Aaron pull him to his feet, but he didn't start walking. Instead he wrapped his arms around Aaron and hugged him tightly. Aaron tried not to be reassured by how strong Dave still was. "I love you, Aaron," he said quietly. "I love you with all my heart."
"I know," Aaron said, lifting his arms to hold Dave back and pressing his cheek to Dave's temple. "I love you too."
Author:
innerslytherin and severity_softlyArtist:
tliPairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 147,800
Summary: Futurefic--Shortly before Dave turns sixty, he is diagnosed with a grade III brain tumor. He and Aaron have to come to terms with what this means for their relationship. Eventually the team has to help Aaron say goodbye.
Notes: Heavy angst. Lots of medical detail. Character death. This fic would not exist without the extensive help, support, encouragement, and hand-holding from
resolucidity, who served as our medical consultant throughout.Master post
Chapter Eleven
Dave wore the cap Penelope made him to his next chemo appointment the following week. Aaron had taken the day off to come with him, and Spencer had promised to come by in the afternoon if the team got back from El Paso in time. Nurse Kate commented on Dave's hat, then smiled when he took it off to show her that he'd shaved.
"You're even more handsome without any hair," she teased, and put a hand on his arm. "Aaron, do you want to come back with him? Otherwise the nursing staff might flirt with him."
Aaron laughed, glad he could join Dave instead of making him go through it alone again. They got Dave settled in a recliner inside a little cubby. "You remember how this works with the huber needle, right?" she asked, and Dave nodded.
Aaron watched and tried not to flinch as she swabbed the skin with disinfectant and local anesthetic, then poked a needle-like device through the skin on Dave's chest to access the Port-a-Cath. He knew the port made things easier, but it was still a little creepy to think about there being an access port to a vein just outside Dave's heart.
Dave turned his head and grinned at Aaron. "Just like a snap," he observed.
"We're going to draw blood for some labs today, and then you can rest for a while before we start the chemo," Kate told him. "Doctor Morgan wants to check your red and white counts before we do anything."
Dave nodded. When Kate was done drawing blood, she opened a cabinet door on the wall of the little cubicle to expose a TV and DVD-player. "Here, Dave gets the remote, since he's the one going through the pain," she said, smiling at Aaron. "I'll be back in just a while."
Aaron smiled at her, then looked over at Dave. After a moment, he reached over and curled his fingers around Dave's hand. "You okay?"
"Yeah. The port thing helps." Dave squeezed his hand. "The rest of this isn't much fun, though, just so you know. It's not hard, it's just...boring." He shrugged. "Anyway, I watched a movie and fell asleep during part of it last time. It wasn't until afterwards that the real fun started." He rolled his eyes.
"Mmm," Aaron hummed thoughtfully. He stroked his thumb over Dave's. "Next time we can bring a DVD, I'm sure," he said. "Until then I'll just watch you sleep, I guess."
Dave snorted. "You can keep me awake." He gave Aaron a suggestive look just as Nurse Kate came back.
"Only if I get to watch," she joked, and then stuck a thermometer at Dave. "Need your temperature. Your white count's a little low. Have you been sniffling or coughing or anything? No fever, right?"
Dave, with the thermometer under his tongue, just shook his head and made a negative noise.
"Hmm." She checked his pulse and blood pressure, then nodded. "Okay, we're going to go ahead and do the chemo today, but the doctor wants to keep an eye on your counts, so I'm going to draw some more blood first, and you'll have to come back Monday or Tuesday." She worked as she spoke, her hands efficient and sure.
Once she was finished, she left them with a pat to Dave's hand and a smile for Aaron. Then they just sat together, talking quietly when they felt like it. After a while Dave got Aaron to scoot his chair a little closer and leaned his head against Aaron's shoulder.
"F'you could go anywhere in the world, would it still be Ireland?" he asked. He sounded sleepy.
Aaron smiled faintly. "Dave, it doesn't really matter to me."
"Matters to me. We've traveled a good part of North America with our jobs, but I don't know if you've been off the continent, except for that cruise for our five-year-anniversary, and I'm not sure if that counts."
"I told you, I'd be happy to go wherever you wanted to go," Aaron said.
Dave snorted. "And I want to take you somewhere you've always wanted to go, and see you experience it."
"We're not going anywhere anytime soon," Aaron said.
"Sure we are," Dave said. "As soon as I'm feeling better, I'm taking you on that trip before it's too late."
Aaron was silent for a moment, and too still. Dave held a sigh, and Aaron squeezed his hand. "Don't talk like that," he murmured.
"Hey, I'm not getting any younger," Dave said. "And I want to go while we can enjoy ourselves. I've decided to stop putting things off, because I don't want to have any regrets, even if I live to be a hundred and ten."
"Then you pick someplace," Aaron said.
"That's not the point," Dave replied. "Look, I'm just making conversation. Daydreaming. Thinking about things I want to experience with you by my side that I haven't experienced yet." He squeezed Aaron's hand and looked up at him. "I thought you would enjoy making plans for the future."
"I do," Aaron said. "Yeah, Ireland sounds fine."
"Are you patronizing me now?" Dave asked, eying him suspiciously.
"No," Aaron said. "But I'll honestly go wherever you want, so I'm not sure why you're pushing me to pick."
"Because you're so completely the opposite of selfish that sometimes I feel the need to push you into saying what you really want," Dave said.
"And I told you already, but I'm open to anything," Aaron replied, sighing.
Dave snorted, but he sounded amused. "Fine. We'll go to Ireland," he said, and leaned his head on Aaron's shoulder again. "Ugh. Maybe you should see if Kate can give me something more for the nausea."
"Okay," Aaron said. He kissed the top of Dave's head, squeezing his hand before getting up to go find Nurse Kate.
When they got home from the clinic, they found Emily and Spencer sitting on the front porch. Emily's car was the only one in the drive, and when Aaron got out of the car, he found out why.
"My car wouldn't start when we got back from Texas," Spencer said. "But Emily said she'd like to come see Dave. If that's okay."
Dave was still in the car, with the seat reclined half-way. Aaron glanced at him, then went to stand closer to Spencer and Emily.
"I know he won't be feeling well," Emily said. "Spencer said they're using 'I-run-to-the-can'." She made a face and Aaron thought of the two months she'd taken off just before Ambassador Prentiss died.
Dave had been all right with Spencer being here after his treatment, and he and Emily were close. But Aaron wondered if having two people instead of one would be too much for Dave right now. "Let me ask him if he's up to company," he told them, and headed back to the car.
He opened the passenger seat and put his hand on Dave's knee. "Spencer and Emily are here. Are you feeling up to company?"
Dave blinked sleepily at him for several moments, then yawned. "Sure. But I'm pretty wiped, so I won't be company for long. Tell 'em they can stay and hang out with you after I crash." He smiled at Aaron and started to shift in preparation to get up.
Aaron helped him out of the car, and held a hand up to steady him, waiting to see if Dave needed it. Dave was a little more steady this time, though, so Dave waved him off, and Aaron walked over to Emily and Spencer. "He's not going to be great company, and he'll probably lie down shortly," he told them, but they were standing to head inside before he finished.
"I like your hat," Emily said, grinning at him.
"Hands off, this one's mine," Dave growled at her, but his expression was warm.
They let Dave go first, and he settled down in his recliner while Spencer got Dave's afghan off the couch for him. Dave took it gratefully and then let out a long sigh. "It's good to see you," he said, smiling at them.
Emily smiled at him. "You look good," she said.
"Huh. I've felt better, that's for sure. But I'm glad to know I've still got my looks." He held out a hand and squeezed hers momentarily. "Aaron offer you two anything to drink?"
Aaron snorted and looked at them. "Anything to drink?" he repeated.
Spencer jumped out of his seat. "No, I'll get it. Emily?"
"Whatever you're having," she said as he disappeared.
Dave grunted in amusement. "So tell me what's been going on at the BAU. Got to keep up on current events while I re--re--get better."
Aaron tried to change the subject, but Dave was persistent, and Emily shrugged and started filling him in, not even batting an eye when he had to interrupt the conversation to go down the hall. Spencer ended up cooking an early supper for them all, made of mild foods that Dave tried to eat. He ended up feeling worse, though, and lay down shortly after.
Spencer was inclined to feel bad, but Aaron and Emily got him cheered up and they played Scrabble and talked for the next couple of hours. By the time Emily said she really needed to go feed her dog, it was almost time that Aaron could feel justified in joining Dave in bed.
Aaron said goodbye to her and Spencer, then tidied up a bit before getting into bed. He slipped under the covers carefully and rolled up next to Dave, staying as quiet as possible as he wrapped an arm around his lover, in case he was asleep.
Dave shifted into his touch, then said sleepily, "Time's it?"
"Almost nine," Aaron whispered, and kissed Dave's shoulder.
"Feel like shit," Dave muttered. He sighed and moved closer. "C'mere."
"Do you need more medicine?" Aaron asked. He tightened his arms on Dave gently.
"I just want you here," Dave said. He turned and tucked his head against Aaron's neck. "M'cold. And I wanted you."
Aaron hummed a content noise, please to have Dave so close, even if he was worried. He pressed his hand to the back of Dave's head to warm it, and sighed. "Your stomach feeling okay?"
"Not great, but not awful," Dave said. He made a noise that wasn't quite a whimper and wasn't quite a groan. "Sometimes the pain is just...frightening," he whispered.
Aaron frowned. "How so?"
Dave shivered and moved closer. "It's hard to ignore your fears when you're in pain." His fingers pressed lightly against Aaron's side.
Aaron sighed and stroked his hand down Dave's back. "I'm sorry," he murmured.
"Don't apologize." Dave sighed. "You make it easier." He turned his head to kiss Aaron's skin. "Easier to believe I'll make it. Easier to ignore my fears." He let out a shaky breath. "I love you, Aaron."
"I love you too," Aaron said, closing his eyes and listening to Dave's breathing for a few moments. "Do you need me to get out the electric blanket?" He would be hot under it, but it was worth it to make Dave comfortable.
"No, just hold me," Dave said. "Don't leave me alone." It was painful to hear how tired and weak he sounded. "Stay here."
Aaron held on to his emotions and didn't let go. He nodded slowly and kissed Dave's head. "Should I have inserted a catheter before joining you?" he murmured, hoping it might make Dave smile.
Dave huffed a breath and nudged him. "I guess you can leave to pee," he said, sounding a little more like himself. "But no longer than that."
Aaron smiled faintly. "Deal."
***
The next several weeks were hard. Aaron ended up taking more time off than he'd planned because Dave began having more bad days than good. When JJ realized he was wearing himself out, she went behind his back to call Sean and Haley, and then worked out a schedule for people to start staying with Dave so Aaron could go back to work. He didn't want to, but Dave was adamant, and what he said was true: while Aaron was on cases, he got more rest than he did when he was home with Dave.
They talked on the phone every night Aaron was away, through cases in Las Cruces, Sacramento, Sioux Falls, and Nashville. Dave admitted that he was still having severe headaches, but he said he'd told Doctor Morgan about them, and told Aaron not to worry. The team members rotated out their annual leave, beginning with Spencer, to spend one case each with Dave so Aaron would feel a little less guilty about going.
When the team got back from the Nashville case, Emily was the one who had been staying with Sean and Dave. She was waiting for Aaron in his office when the team got back, and it brought back vivid memories of the time he'd come back from a case and found her waiting in his office, determined to prove she deserved a spot on the team. Then he realized that she ought to be with Dave, and the bottom dropped out of his stomach.
"Emily," he said, his voice suddenly more anxious than he'd meant it to sound. "Why are you here?"
"Hi." She looked tired. "I need to talk to you, and I didn't want Dave to know. Sean's with him now." She didn't even try to smile, just held his gaze.
He could feel himself frowning, and he realized he was almost hovering in the doorway as if he might have had to rush back out of his office. "What's going on?"
"Sit down?" she said, gesturing at the settee. "We have time. Dave's resting, nothing's going on. I just need to talk to you."
He watched her for a moment, a sinking feeling in his chest. "If there's something--" He stopped talking and shook his head. She'd just told him nothing was wrong. He sighed and crossed the room to sit.
She nodded and sat back down next to him. "I wanted to talk to you about what this week's been like." She licked her lips. "And what last week was like, except JJ...couldn't make herself tell you. And Sean doesn't want to tell you." She reached out and took his hand in both of hers, holding his gaze.
Aaron just stared at her for a moment, then shook his head and looked away. This wasn't good. She wouldn't have come out here to talk to him in private if it wasn't something bad. She wouldn't be looking at him like that if...
"What?" he forced himself to say, as calmly as he could.
"Hotch..." She pressed her lips together, then said, "Dave isn't as strong as he's trying to make you think." She hadn't looked away from him, but as she held his gaze he saw tears well up in her eyes. "He spends a lot of time horribly sick, and the anti-nausea drugs aren't really helping. He's weighed down with fatigue..." She took a jerky breath and looked down. When she spoke again, her voice was low. "His lawyer came out to the house this week. And Father Davidson."
Aaron's chest felt like it was caving in suddenly. His lips parted in surprise, and he stared at her, feeling... he wasn't sure how he felt. Stunned, maybe.
When his eyes started to burn, he wasn't sure if it was grief or anger. "He didn't tell me that," he said, looking away and clenching his jaw.
"He's trying to be strong for you," she whispered. "But the chemo's hard on him. I think it's making him feel worse, and it brings fatigue, and...I think he's afraid it's not working." She looked up at him, not bothering to wipe away the wetness on her cheeks. "It scares me to see him like this, because I'm afraid he's giving up."
"He's not giving up," Aaron said immediately, but he felt a pang of worry seize him. Dave called his lawyer. He called Jimmy. He shook his head, as if it would make it not true. "I should go home," he said, moving to stand. He wanted to get out of this office.
"Hotch, wait," she said, grabbing his hand again. "Please, just a little longer." She sniffled and shook her head. "When he's been able to get out of the recliner for a while, he's been working on financial arrangements and...I'm not sure what all, because sometimes he shuts the study door for a while. But I think he's trying to get his affairs in order."
"I don't want to talk about this," he said tersely, trying to hide the odd mixture of hurt and anger bubbling up inside him. He didn't want to talk about this at all, let alone to her.
"You need to talk to him about this," she urged him. Her voice was quiet and shaking, but her gaze was steady. "Hotch, he spends most of the day sleeping so he'll feel good for your phone call in the evening."
He pulled his hand away from her and stood. "Enough," he said. "Just..." His voice deflated. "Enough."
He scrubbed his hand over his face and picked up his briefcase from where he'd put it down. It wasn't exactly rational, but he wanted nothing more than to go yell at Dave right now. He held up a hand, not wanting her to stop him this time. "I should go home."
She nodded, tears still sliding down her cheeks. "Aaron," she said quietly, "he isn't trying to hurt you. He loves you so much." Then she dropped her head and pressed her fingers to her mouth. "Go home."
Aaron pressed his lips together, but didn't say anything. He just left the office and headed out of the building.
The whole time he drove home, he tried to calm himself down, but Emily's words kept circling in his mind, and he was just getting more upset.
He threw the car in park in the driveway and headed inside. Dave was in the recliner, and Aaron saw him smile, but he just walked right up to Sean. "Can you find someplace else to be for an hour?"
Sean's eyebrows went up, but he didn't really look surprised. He just nodded. "See ya later, Dave. Good to have you home, Aaron." He gripped Aaron's shoulder for a moment as he headed past him to the door.
"Hey," Dave said. He'd lost more weight, and he was wearing the cap Garcia had made him. He also took a long moment to begin getting up. "I missed you."
"You called your lawyer?" Aaron said, frowning and not moving closer. "And you called Jimmy out here?"
Dave's smile fell apart and he sighed. "Ah. I wondered where Emily was tonight." He took a long breath. "I want to make sure I have everything in order. Mostly it's the medical bills I've been worried about. I got used to updating my will a lot during the marriages phase of my life." His attempt at humor fell utterly flat.
"I'm not worried about the bills," Aaron said, then let out a gust of breath, trying to keep his anger from overflowing. It didn't work. "Damn it, David, why haven't you told me any of this?!" he demanded.
"I didn't see any reason to," Dave said. "You've always known the conditions of my will, and as for the bills...you're working. I might as well take care of those." He closed his eyes for a moment, then moved closer. "We don't need to argue about it, Aaron."
"Don't do this," Aaron said, though he wasn't exactly sure what he was asking just yet. "Emily wouldn't have come to the BAU and waited in my office to talk to me when I got in if she didn't think it was important," he said, his voice accusatory and clipped, but not loud anymore. "She said you've been sleeping all day so that you sounded normal when I called. She said she thinks you're afraid it's not working."
Dave frowned and rubbed at his forehead. "Aaron, I'm tired. I just...sometimes it's hard to get out of bed. We knew the chemo was going to cause more fatigue this time around. I never said I don't think it's working." He let out a long sigh and met Aaron's gaze. "I love you. I just didn't want you to worry while you were gone. I've been getting by okay."
"And that's why everyone who's looked after you for two weeks has been afraid to tell me how you've been feeling?" Aaron said. "I need to know how you're feeling, Dave," Aaron insisted. "If anything happened to you..." The throat tightened and his eyes stung. He clenched his jaw and looked away, unable to finish what he was going to say.
Dave snorted. "Aaron, here's a news flash: something has happened to me. I've got a fucking brain tumor. I'm just trying to live with that, okay? Sometimes I feel like shit. Sometimes I feel relatively good. But quite honestly, I've forgotten what 'good' actually feels like."
Aaron closed his eyes, pressing his lips together. "You need to tell me," he repeated. "Otherwise my entire team is watching you, my family, everyone sees what's happening, and I don't even know what's going on because you won't tell me," he said, his voice rising as he spoke. He opened his eyes and looked at Dave, not bothering to hide the tears of hurt in his eyes. "I love you. You need to trust me to be able to handle it when you're sick and not hide it from me. I should be here with you, if you're feeling that bad, not in California or Tennessee or wherever else we might be."
Dave sighed and moved closer, lifting a hand to touch Aaron's cheek, then letting it fall again. "You already handle so much," he said. "You're my partner. I'm supposed to take care of you. I'm supposed to protect you. And I feel like such a Goddamn burden... I hate this. I hate seeing you worn out and sad because of me." Tears were starting to gather in his eyes too, and he looked down.
"You're not a burden," Aaron said, taking Dave's hand. "But I can't be out of the loop on what's happening to my own lover. I need you, Dave, and that means all of you, the good and the bad."
Dave shook his head. "We seem to have this...this...to...talk about this an awful lot," he muttered. "You don't want to know some of the bad. I just...I can't make myself do that to you. It's bad enough having anyone see it. It's bad enough thinking about how tired you're getting. You never give yourself a break, Aaron."
Aaron shook his head and looked seriously at Dave. "I do want to know," he insisted.
"You want to know how sometimes I don't bother getting out of bed until Sean comes in and makes me?" Dave said. "You want to know how sometimes after I go to bed I can't do anything but cry because it hurts so fucking much and I'm so damn lonely and scared I'm going to die?" He was breathing hard as he looked at Aaron. "You want to know how pissed off I am at God right now that I'm sick again? You really want all that?"
Tears welled up in Aaron's eyes again, and this time they spilled over. His chest ached so badly suddenly that it felt like he might stop breathing. God. Dave had been going through all of this alone, not telling anyone.
"Yes," Aaron said, and pulled Dave against him. "Yes. I should be here when you're lonely. I should be here." He closed his eyes, wanting to stop the tears, but he suddenly couldn't seem to hold Dave tight enough.
"Well I don't want to say all that," Dave managed, his voice choked. He was clutching at Aaron, though, leaning into him and shaking. "I don't want to even admit it to myself. I just want to pretend I'm just tired and it's just the fucking chemo."
Aaron huffed something that wasn't a laugh. He didn't know what it was. "It is the chemo, Dave. It's just a rough patch," he said.
"Do you really think so?" Dave asked. His fingers dug into Aaron's back. "I don't think it is. Sometimes I catch myself staring into space and I have to try to remember what I'm doing. My brain's not working the way it used to. I think the tumor's spreading. Shouldn't I be getting better if the chemo's working?"
"The chemo's hard on everybody," Aaron said. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. "Have you talked to Dr. Morgan?"
"A couple weeks ago," Dave said. "I have another appointment in a couple days. I figured you might be home in time for it." He shuddered. "I was going to ask you to stay."
"I'll stay," Aaron said. He kissed Dave's head, the tears starting again. "Don't give up on me."
"I'm not giving up," Dave said. "I just..." He slumped against Aaron. "I just don't think it's working."
Aaron clamped his eyes shut tight and focused on trying to breath. "It's got to be," he said, his voice choked.
Dave took a shaky breath. "Aaron, you know the survival rates aren't good. Hell, we were lucky I got six good months before it came back. Twenty-nine percent, Aaron. And the number goes down the older you are."
"Don't," Aaron said. "Please." He had the horrible feeling he was going to fall apart. Literally fall apart. "Let's just go to bed. Sean has a key."
"We can't ignore the fact that it could happen," Dave said. His mouth was against Aaron's skin, muffling his voice. "We can't just hide our heads in the sand."
Aaron sighed heavily. "Not tonight. I just got home. I'm tired. You're tired. Let's just... wait and see what Dr. Morgan says." He couldn't think about losing Dave. He couldn't lose Dave, and if he thought like that, there was no hope. He had to be strong for Dave, even if Dave wasn't going to be strong for himself. Even if he felt utterly weak and powerless himself.
Dave made a quiet noise that Aaron realized, after a moment, was a laugh. "I'm always tired," he muttered, but his fingers slid into Aaron's hair. "Fine, let's go to bed."
Aaron slept badly. Dave slept like a rock. Aaron had to chalk it up to Dave's illness, as there was no way Dave wasn't upset, and that only made Aaron's mind a more hectic place.
When eight o'clock rolled around, Aaron sighed and kissed Dave's head, then slid out of Dave's arms. Dave didn't wake up, and Aaron sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing his face and wanting to cry, but for some reason he just felt drained and miserable, and empty.
He tugged on one of Dave's robes, not caring that it was too short. He wasn't cold anyway; he just wanted to wear it, and Dave had others. He headed out to use the bathroom, then decided brushing his teeth and otherwise taking care of himself, his morning routine, was pointless today, so he just went to the kitchen.
Sean was sitting at the table, which struck Aaron as odd, considering Sean usually didn't get up this early, but Aaron was just grateful there was already coffee made. He made himself a cup and slumped into the seat across from Sean without a word, staring blankly across the room.
Sean rubbed a hand through his hair and looked at him with reddened eyes. Aaron hadn't really looked at him the night before, but Sean didn't look like he'd been sleeping well, either. Or maybe it was just last night.
"Hi," Sean said.
"Morning," Aaron said. He didn't sound like himself. His voice was almost distant to his own ears.
"How is he?" Sean's gaze dropped back down to the tabletop.
"Sleeping," Aaron said. It wasn't really an answer, and he knew it.
Sean nodded. "I don't think I can do this, Aaron," he said hoarsely.
Aaron looked at Sean. He opened his mouth to speak, but then shut it again, feeling a little like he'd been punched in the chest. "What do you mean you can't do this?"
"It...this was different the first time. Dave was sick, but he was upbeat. He..." Sean shook his head. "Emily's pretty pissed at me, and she's right to be. I couldn't talk to you about this. I know JJ felt awful about it, and I know I should have been the one to talk to you instead of Emily..." He rubbed a hand over his face. "I'm just not good at this."
Aaron just stared at him, not really caring about who told him. He hadn't thought about that until now, and yes, it hurt a little that his own brother was afraid to tell him, but that wasn't his biggest issue at the moment. "You can't do this?" he said, his tone quietly incredulous.
"I'm sorry," Sean said. "I'm not good at this. I know it's not fair, but I can't...I can't see him like this. Call me a coward. I just...I don't know, Aaron."
Aaron expelled a breath, suddenly feeling wounded beyond belief. He lifted a hand and pressed it over his eyes. Sean wasn't going to support them? Aaron's lover was possibly dying and Sean couldn't handle it?! "Get out," he said, his tone low and angry.
"I...what?" Sean stared at him.
"If you can't handle it, get the fuck out of my house!" Aaron shouted, dropping his hand and glaring at Sean, suddenly furious.
"You're throwing me out?" Sean asked, still staring. "Aaron--"
"Get. Out," Aaron said, through clenched teeth.
"Fine." Sean gulped his coffee and stood up. "Fine. I should have known better than to try to be honest with you. God forbid that we aren't all as strong as Aaron fucking Hotchner, man of fucking steel." He slammed the coffee cup down on the table and stormed out of the room.
Aaron pressed his hands to his face, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes until he saw stars. He was angry and angry tears were threatening now, and he didn't want to cry. He was sick to fucking death of crying.
He dropped his hand and curled his fingers around his coffee cup, gripping it hard. His heart was hammering in his chest. He wanted to scream; he felt like something horrible was trying to claw its way out of his chest. He stood, and before he could stop himself, he hurled his cup at the wall. It shattered, sending glass shards and coffee down the wall and across the kitchen floor.
Sean couldn't do this?! "Fuck," he hissed, and left everything like it was, retreating to the study and shutting himself in. He didn't want to even look at his brother when he left.
Aaron could hear Sean slamming drawers and thumping things around in the guest bedroom for a while, and then things got quiet again. After a while he heard the guest bedroom door open hard enough that it banged off the wall. A few moments later the front door slammed.
He just sat at the desk with his head in his hands, clutching at his hair. His breathing was so harsh with emotion that he almost didn't hear the door to the study open. When he looked up, Dave was leaning against the doorjamb, his robe pulled tightly around him and a confused expression on his face.
"Is everything okay?"
"Everything's fantastic. Why do you ask?" Aaron said, his voice shaking with anger and hurt. "Go back to bed. I'm sorry we woke you."
Dave sighed and came into the room. "Clearly everything's not all right. So I phrased the question poorly. What's wrong?" He leaned against the desk and ran his fingers gently through Aaron's hair.
"Sean went home. That's it," Aaron said.
"Sean went home?" Dave's fingers slid down to cup Aaron's jaw. "Why? What happened?" His voice was soft.
Aaron closed his eyes, and turned his head into Dave's touch. But he didn't want to talk about it. "Go back to sleep. I'm fine."
"You're obviously not fine. Are you going to hold out on me less than a day after yelling at me for doing that to you?" Dave kept stroking Aaron's skin, despite his words.
Aaron sighed, and gave Dave's hand a tug, wanting Dave in his lap. Once Dave settled there, Aaron wrapped his arms around him and pressed his face to Dave's shoulder. "He said he couldn't handle this." He drew a deep breath. "So I told him he could leave."
"Oh, God, you idiot," Dave said, his voice warm with affection. He ran his hand over Aaron's hair and kissed the top of his head. "Aaron, he's your brother. You're going to need him. And not everyone's cut out for this. He's done his best." He sighed and held Aaron tighter.
"He's my brother, and he's not going to be here for me--us--when we need him," Aaron said.
"He's done an awful lot already," Dave said. He kissed the top of Aaron's head again. "Maybe we could get Georgie to come stay for a while, if you want. Or maybe you just both need some time to cool down and talk about this again."
"If he wants to talk, he can come back and be a fucking adult."
Dave sighed and squeezed Aaron again. "Why don't you come back to bed?" he murmured. "We don't have to get ready for the...for...my doctor thing yet." He shifted a little and got a finger under Aaron's chin to lift his face for a real kiss. "I got cold without you."
"I doubt I can sleep." Aaron was exhausted, but he felt even more anxious now.
"We don't have to sleep," Dave said, his voice dropping suggestively. He kissed Aaron again. "Come on. We can talk in bed, and I'll be more comfortable there."
Aaron sighed, but nodded, and nudged Dave off his lap. When he stood, he felt weak, but he just took Dave's hand and let Dave lead then back to bed. "I love you," he murmured when they got inside the darkened bedroom.
"I love you too, Aaron," Dave said. He pulled Aaron over to the bed and tugged him down without bothering to take off their bathrobes. "Come here," he murmured, pulling Aaron against him. He stroked his hand along Aaron's back for a long time. "Sean's always been there for us, Aaron," he said after a while. "I know this is hard for you, but he's like a brother to me, and if our positions were reversed, it would be hell to watch him going through this. Just give him some time."
"If our positions were reversed, I would be strong for him, and you know it," Aaron said, his voice tense again.
"Shh. I know that. And you know Sean knows that." Dave kissed him. "You're the strongest man I know, Aaron," he whispered. "The best man I know. A better man than Sean or I, that's for damn sure." Dave sighed and tightened his arms around Aaron. "He feels guilty that he's not as strong as you."
Aaron sighed. "Can we not talk about this?"
"I'm sorry," Dave murmured. "I love you. We'll be all right." He kissed Aaron softly.
"With or without my brother," Aaron said.
Dave was surprised when Aaron actually fell asleep for a while. Dave found himself holding Aaron and listening to him breathe while staring up at the ceiling. He wasn't really surprised that Sean felt he couldn't stay any longer, and he wasn't even angry. He was disappointed, because he knew how hurt Aaron was by the seeming desertion. But Dave had spent the past three weeks with Sean, and he could understand how hard Sean was taking all of this. Dave wasn't sure how to explain it to Aaron, but he knew that a large part of Sean's grief was coming from watching his strong, confident older brother start fraying at the edges.
Eventually Dave got up and took a quick shower, forcing himself through the motions despite how sluggish he felt. He needed to be as strong as he could be for Aaron, at least today. When he was done in the bathroom he headed for the kitchen, wanting a cup of the coffee he could smell, even if Doc Morgan had told him to cut back on the caffeine again.
He was grateful he'd put his house slippers on when he found the shattered coffee cup by crunching a shard of ceramic under his feet. Frowning, he backed up, looking down, and then he noticed the brown stain on the wall and the drying puddle under his feet.
"Oh, Aaron," he sighed, and went to get some paper towels. He was down on his hands and knees wiping up the mess, having already picked up the pieces of the cup, when he heard footsteps behind him.
"God," Aaron said. "Get off the floor. You don't have to clean that up." He walked over and crouched, meeting Dave's gaze, then tugging Dave with him as he stood back up. "Don't. It's my mess." He still looked exhausted, dark circles under his eyes, but he looked slightly better after his nap than he had earlier this morning.
He touched Dave's cheek, then kissed him briefly. "I'm sorry," he said. "What do you want to eat?"
"Well, I didn't want to step in it and track it all over," Dave said. He slid an arm around Aaron's waist and kissed him. "Was that Sean or you?"
Aaron sighed. "Me," he said. "I can make pancakes, and I'll clean it up in a minute."
"That's fine." Dave leaned his head against Aaron's shoulder. "I love you," he murmured. He wasn't sure what else to say. He was out of promises. Things just weren't right; he could tell the chemo wasn't working. He'd expected the fatigue, but he'd been having spells where he got disoriented and couldn't remember what he was doing. He knew that wasn't normal.
"I love you too," Aaron said, then kissed the side of Dave's head. He pulled away and went to get breakfast started, while Dave went to make coffee. "Not supposed to have caffeine," Aaron murmured, but he didn't do anything to stop Dave.
"I can't say I really care this morning," Dave said. "Not with the way you've been throwing coffee around like it's not a precious commodity."
Aaron put the pan down on the burner a little too loudly, then he braced his hands against the counter. "I lost my temper. Do I have to apologize again?"
"I wasn't asking for an apology," Dave said, deliberately keeping his voice mild. "I was just making an observation. I don't care about the cup of coffee. I care about the fact that you're so upset you threw it in the first place."
"I'm fine now," Aaron said. "It's over." He went back to gathering things for breakfast.
Dave sighed but didn't argue. God, who was going to take care of Aaron when he was gone? Who was going to push him to acknowledge his emotions and admit that they had value? Who was going to make him eat ice cream at two in the morning just because? Dave shuddered and stirred more sugar into his coffee.
He offered to help with breakfast, but Aaron just waved him off, so he went and settled in the recliner. Aaron came in not long after and handed him a plate, and they sat with the TV on low, enjoying a quiet breakfast together. Well, enjoying was a strong word, considering Dave doubted either of them was very happy right now.
Doctor Morgan didn't keep them waiting long when they got to his office. Aaron didn't know how much Dave was still holding back about the past several weeks. Dave had told him a lot about his recent blood work and the fact that he'd needed a transfusion last week to continue chemo. All the same, he seemed hesitant about each piece of information he shared, and Aaron wasn't sure if it was because of Sean or because Dave was just scared.
"Dave, Aaron, come sit down," Doctor Morgan said, gesturing for them to step into his office. "How are you feeling today?"
Dave shrugged. "Tired. Discouraged." Doctor Morgan just nodded and glanced at Aaron.
Aaron gave him a grim smile. "I'm not the one you need to be worried about," he said.
"Your well-being is a big concern to Dave," Doctor Morgan replied, but he looked back at Dave. "The latest MRI isn't good, Dave. You expressed concerns last time you were here, and your call on Tuesday is why we did the MRI yesterday. There are some new lesions that weren't there when we started treatment. Tell me more about the additional problems you've been having lately."
Dave had lowered his head and was rubbing idly at his forehead while he listened. Finally he nodded. "I've been having blurred vision sometimes, and there have been...spells, I guess, or episodes. Just moments of disorientation when I realize I don't know what I'm doing."
Aaron frowned, then closed his eyes for a moment. 'There are some new lesions that weren't there when we started treatment'. He drew a deep breath and looked at Dave, slipping his hand into Dave's. Dave's fingers curled around his.
"That fits with the location of the new lesions," Doctor Morgan said, nodding. "These moments of disorientation, how long do they last? Describe them for me."
Dave took a breath. "I...The best I can describe it is...I'll be sitting somewhere and realize I've been staring into space, tugging at my shirt collar, or maybe scratching or something." He shrugged. "It's nothing much, except I don't remember what I was doing before that moment. I don't...I just..." He shrugged again. "And then I'm just tired."
Doctor Morgan sighed. "It sounds like you're experiencing what's called a complex partial seizure. You wouldn't actually lose consciousness or go into convulsions. Complex partial seizures involve repetitive motions or gestures followed by periods of confusion." He wrote something down. "We'll get you started on some anti-seizure medications, which should help with that. How are you doing with the side effects of the irinotecan?"
Aaron was staring at the edge of Doctor Morgan's desk. He couldn't find any words. He was just starting to feel more and more stunned--not surprised necessarily, but shell shocked. Dave's voice sounded distant when he started answering the question.
He listened absently to Dave's complaint of extreme fatigue, as well as the weight loss and nausea. He heard Doctor Morgan say the nausea could be from intracranial pressure due to the new lesions. Doctor Morgan suggested some new medications, and then brought up the possibility of a new chemotherapy drug.
That was when Dave said, "I've actually been reading about palliative care and quality of life."
Aaron's mind snapped back to reality and he turned to stare at Dave. "What?" he asked, knowing he sounded both confused and scared all at once, and hating it.
Doctor Morgan cleared his throat. "This is really something you should discuss with your spouse before making any decisions." He sounded uncomfortable.
"I'm bringing it up in front of him now," Dave said, "and I haven't made any decisions. But I want to know what my options are like, and that's one of them."
"I'd like to stress that there is a myriad of chemotherapy drugs we haven't tried," Doctor Morgan said. "Not to mention the possibility of a second course of radiation or a clinical trial."
Aaron was still staring at Dave, hurt that Dave hadn't mentioned that to him in private, that he'd just dropped that bomb right in front of the doctor, as if he thought bringing it up here would spare him from Aaron's reaction.
Aaron had to fight himself not to get up and leave, but instead he just pulled his hand away from Dave and crossed his arms over himself. He sat back and looked at Doctor Morgan, clenching his jaw until it hurt. "How would those go?" he asked, ignoring what Dave had brought up.
Doctor Morgan seemed relieved that Aaron had asked a question about further curative treatments, and began outlining a course of action that would include trying other chemotherapy drugs and regimens. Dave listened with barely-masked impatience for a time, then broke in.
"And how much longer would I live with that?" He asked it quietly, but it stopped the conversation for a moment. "I know the dire reality of my situation. I'm not saying I want to give up. But I want to know what my options are. If we keep trying to 'cure' me, what would the rest of my life be like? Would I have another six months of constant nausea, diarrhea and fatigue? Would I be dealing with chronic pain and further disability? Would it be better than palliative care? I've read about morphine pumps that I can hook up to the port and carry around with me. Without the chemo I wouldn't feel so fatigued I have a hard time getting out of bed, would I? I wouldn't have the constant nausea and digestive issues?"
Doctor Morgan frowned. "The nausea is quite possibly not related entirely to the chemotherapy," he began.
Aaron let out a sharp breath, and Doctor Morgan stopped. He bit his lip hard to keep himself from losing his cool, but his throat ached and he had to force the emotion away. "You're giving up," he said, shaking his head, and drew a shaky breath. Stay calm. Don't fall apart now.
Dave turned to face him, taking Aaron's hand in both of his. "I'm not giving up, Aaron," he said softly. "I'm exploring my options. And at some point, I have to ask whether the last months of my life will be better spent fighting and cursing fate, or spending time with the man I love above all else, relatively free of pain and able to move under my own power." He squeezed Aaron's hand gently. "I have to ask these questions," he said. "I need you to understand that."
"If you stop taking treatment, you're giving up," Aaron said slowly. He couldn't look at Dave, and he knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that it was unfair, but he didn't really care right now.
There was a long silence. Just as Doctor Morgan opened his mouth to speak, Dave sighed.
"All right," he said quietly. "I don't know. Whatever you think is best."
Aaron turned his head and glared at Dave. "Don't do that."
"Don't do what?" Dave said, looking back at him. His expression was blank. "I'm conceding the argument. I'll do whatever you want."
"Don't patronize me," Aaron said, starting to get angry.
Dave sighed. "I'm not patronizing you, Aaron," he said. He didn't look away. "If you don't think palliative care should be an option, then I'm saying I won't pursue it any further." He closed his eyes for a moment and took a long breath, then looked at Aaron again. "I made a promise to you that I wouldn't give up. So we'll go on to some other drug. Maybe a clinical trial."
Aaron stared at Dave. Dave's words didn't make him feel any better. After a moment, he sighed heavily and looked away, shaking his head and biting his lips together. He couldn't do this.
"Excuse me," he said, glancing at Doctor Morgan, then he got up and headed out of the office.
He heard Dave say his name, but he noticed Dave didn't follow him as he went to the bathroom and ran the cold water. He couldn't meet his own gaze in the mirror. He didn't want to know what he looked like right now. Instead he splashed water on his face, then tried to muster the will to go back into Doctor Morgan's office.
After a few moments of trying, he conceded defeat. God. Defeated by his own emotions; how weak was that? But even that thought didn't help, and he eventually left the bathroom and went outside, hoping it might help him breathe. He peered across the parking lot to his car, and then just stopped and sat on the curb, dropping his head into his hands.
He had no idea how much time had passed when he felt a gentle touch on his shoulder. "Aaron. Do you want to go home?"
"I don't care," Aaron said, not lifting his head.
"Do you want to go to work?" Dave's hand squeezed gently. "Do you want to kick me in the nuts? Do you want to turn me over to Mama Rosa and have her make me behave?"
"You're not funny," Aaron muttered. He lifted his head, but just stared across the parking lot.
"I wasn't really trying to be. Those are all options, though I'm not a fan of the kicking in the nuts one." Dave sighed and lowered himself to the curb with a groan. "God, I'm not as young as I used to be." He leaned against Aaron and didn't say anything for a while.
Aaron didn't say anything either. He just tried not to lash out or cry or... anything. Eventually he sighed and said, "I am so furious with you right now."
Dave was quiet for a moment longer, then whispered, "I know." After a while, his hand slipped into one of Aaron's.
"No. You don't," Aaron murmured.
"I may not know exactly how you feel, but I know you're furious," Dave said quietly. "I don't blame you. And I'm sorry."
Aaron shook his head. "I'm not going to make decisions about your life for you, but I have the right to be upset by the ones you make," he said. He dropped his head in his free hand and pressed it to his eyes when tears threatened again.
Dave sighed. "I haven't made any decisions, Aaron," he said. "I was asking questions. I was getting information. I wouldn't make a decision like that without discussing it with you."
"You could barely wait for him to stop talking about treatment options when I asked about them. All you wanted to talk about was stopping them," Aaron said, then he sighed and stood, giving Dave's hand a gentle pull. "Let's go home."
Dave let Aaron pull him to his feet, but he didn't start walking. Instead he wrapped his arms around Aaron and hugged him tightly. Aaron tried not to be reassured by how strong Dave still was. "I love you, Aaron," he said quietly. "I love you with all my heart."
"I know," Aaron said, lifting his arms to hold Dave back and pressing his cheek to Dave's temple. "I love you too."
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Date: 2009-09-22 04:43 am (UTC)I'll probably finish the story later when I've processed this. I just wanted to let you know how good it is to this point.
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Date: 2009-09-22 11:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-27 09:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-28 12:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-28 06:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-29 12:34 am (UTC)