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geekystudmuffinTitle: The Last Best Days
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innerslytherin and severity_softly
Artist:tli
Pairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 147,800
Summary: Futurefic--Shortly before Dave turns sixty, he is diagnosed with a grade III brain tumor. He and Aaron have to come to terms with what this means for their relationship. Eventually the team has to help Aaron say goodbye.
Notes: Heavy angst. Lots of medical detail. Character death. This fic would not exist without the extensive help, support, encouragement, and hand-holding fromresolucidity, who served as our medical consultant throughout.
Master post
Chapter Ten
Somehow they got through telling the team and their families that Dave was going to be going through treatment again. Aaron wasn't sure how they managed it, especially since he'd had a harder struggle for his control since Dave had provoked that horrible crying jag in the car. But in some ways it was easier to say "It's back" than it had been to say "It's cancer" the first time.
At the doctor's recommendation, Dave had outpatient surgery to get a portacath installed to make chemo easier. It would eliminate the need for multiple needle sticks every time Dave was in for treatment, and they'd decided quickly that it was a good idea.
JJ and Emily showed up the night before Dave's first chemo treatment with enough food to feed them through the weekend. Dave had joked that they could have brought half as much, since he probably wouldn't be eating much, but it had, shockingly, dissolved Emily into tears, and Dave had spent the next half hour dealing with her tears while JJ and Aaron put the food in the fridge and drank scotch in the kitchen.
The next day Spencer had shown up at the house shortly before they left for treatment and announced he was going too. Aaron hadn't been sure if Dave would be comfortable with it, but Dave had glanced at Aaron, then shrugged and said Aaron could probably use the company.
When they got to the hospital, Nurse Kate was the one in charge of Dave's treatment, and Aaron found himself grateful to see a familiar face, even though she chided Dave for getting sick again.
"Sorry, babe, I just missed you too much," Dave said, which made her laugh and roll her eyes.
"You better keep an eye on him," she told Aaron, and then gestured for Dave to go ahead of her.
"I do all the time," Aaron told her as they left. "Thank you, Kate."
She smiled warmly at him. "I'll let you know when you two can join us." Then she followed Dave out of the room.
Aaron sighed and looked back at Spencer, who gave him a tight, awkward smile.
"How, ah... how-- how are you feeling?" he asked awkwardly.
Aaron offered back a smile that felt stiff. "I'm not the one you need to worry about," he deflected, not wanting to inspect too closely how he felt.
"Actually, I've always found it's harder on the loved ones of the people who're sick, emotionally. It's been said--" Spencer cut off when Aaron gave him a look that said he'd rather not discuss it.
"How are you feeling?" Aaron countered, sure that Spencer wouldn't want to talk about it any more than he did.
Spencer's eyebrows went up, and rocked on his heels for a moment, then said, "I'm not his lover." He cleared his throat, and glanced around the waiting room. "They have coffee."
Aaron sighed and nodded. "It's not terrible, either, if they're using the stuff I was drinking eight months ago. You do know the treatment is supposed to be ninety minutes, don't you?"
"Since when have you known me not to do my research?" Spencer asked, heading over to the coffee urn.
Aaron followed him, frowning. "Never. I just...why are you here, Spencer? Not that I don't appreciate it, but we did all right the first time."
Spencer bit his lip as he sweetened his coffee. "Does it matter?"
"It does to me," Aaron said. "And eventually it will to Dave, even if he's taking it for granted right now." He poured himself a cup of coffee and blew on it. "I do appreciate it. But I can't help but wonder why this is different for you."
Spencer gave Aaron a sideways glance, then went for the powdered creamer. "Different from what?"
"From the first time."
Spencer shrugged. "I wanted to do this the first time, but I figured Dave would try to stop me."
"You could have offered to see what he would say," Aaron said. He curled his fingers around Spencer's elbow and guided him over to some chairs in the corner of the waiting area. "If I'd known you wanted that, I could have encouraged him to let you help. Though the chemo the first time around was in pill form, and Doctor Morgan tells us the side effects of the irinotecan are going to be much more taxing than the pills."
"I know," Spencer said. He shrugged again and sipped his coffee. Aaron watched him for a moment, and Spencer's eyes went glassy. He immediately turned his head, though, obviously hoping Aaron wouldn't notice.
Aaron pressed his lips together, then reached out and touched Spencer's arm. "Talk to me," he said quietly.
"I somehow doubt it would make you feel any better," Spencer said.
"Will it make you feel better?"
Spencer's lips twisted, and he turned back, but didn't look at Aaron. He shook his head. "No idea. Probably not."
Aaron sighed. "We're not...unrealistic about the severity of Dave's illness," he said finally. He chose his words slowly, trying to acknowledge Spencer's fears--and his own--without strengthening them. "He's very stubborn, Spencer."
Spencer huffed an almost-laugh. "That's an understatement."
Aaron nodded. "Then don't do him the disservice of underestimating him," he said, his voice quiet. He put his hand on Spencer's knee. "He's going to fight."
To Aaron's surprise, when Spencer turned to look at Aaron, he was scowling. "I don't underestimate him," he said, sounding slightly upset. "I never have. I also don't underestimate a grade III brain tumor and what this type of chemotherapy can do to someone."
"I'm sorry," Aaron said automatically. "We know it's going to be difficult. More difficult than the first treatment. And I appreciate your help. You know that, I hope. I just..." He sighed finally. "I'm trying not to let my own fears infect Dave. He has enough to deal with. I'm sorry, Spencer."
Spencer frowned at Aaron a moment longer, then looked away. "I was trying not to make you more upset, too."
Aaron laughed, though he was afraid it sounded more shaky than he wanted it to. "I'm not sure that's possible, actually." He looked down at his coffee and took a deep breath, trying to steady himself.
"Sure it is. All I have to do is sit here and reinforce all your fears instead of telling you I'm sure it'll all be all right," Spencer said, slouching.
Aaron sighed. "I wouldn't want you to lie," he said. "Doctor Morgan has said that Dave is very determined, and that a lot of the statistics are too old to really apply. But I know that a lot of men with recurrent tumors like this don't survive." His voice shook and he took another deep breath, then sipped his coffee. He couldn't look at Spencer. Dave had promised to fight this. He'd promised to win.
He saw Spencer nod slowly. "That's why I had to come," he said. "I didn't last time, and if anything would have happened, I would have regretted it." Spencer was staring straight ahead too, and his voice was starting to sound a little strained. "I don't want to regret anything later."
"You know how proud he is to call you a friend," Aaron said quietly. "I think it means a lot to him that you want to be there for him."
"He means a lot to me," Spencer said, then chewed his lower lip for a moment. "Both of you do."
Aaron smiled down at his coffee. "That's certainly mutual," he said. He was silent for a moment, then sighed. "Have you ever done this before?" He knew the chemo drugs Dave would get were newer than what his father had been given, but he couldn't help remembering what his father had been like.
Spencer shook his head. "My, ah... My dad's brother died of cancer when I was fifteen, but..." He shrugged, not finishing his thought, but Aaron could infer enough, given Spencer had not seen his dad at all after he left Diana, aside from that one case in Vegas years ago.
Aaron nodded. They didn't speak for a long time, sipping their coffee and not looking at each other. Finally Aaron said, "I don't want to see him like this."
Spencer glanced over, and watched Aaron for a moment. "It's not going to be easy," he agreed.
"How are the others?" Aaron asked. "They know you're here?"
"Yeah. Morgan does, at least." Spencer ran his fingers through his hair, and wavy strands fell back in his face when it fell forward again. "They're all..." He sighed. "Everyone is dealing in their own way."
Aaron nodded. After a long moment he touched Spencer's knee. "I'd rather this stay between us," he said hesitantly. He waited until he saw Spencer looking at him before he continued. "I...think Dave is more concerned than he lets on. Being scared makes him angry, and you know how he can lash out." He let his voice trail off, because Spencer was nodding slightly.
"I know," Spencer said. "I've seen it. I don't care."
"Yeah." Aaron leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "I would give anything for this to be me instead of him," he admitted in a low voice.
Spencer laughed sadly. "I told him I'd give him half my brain if I could." His lips twisted. "I was drunk, but I meant it."
"Maybe you were right," Aaron murmured. "About it being hard on the people who aren't sick."
"Harder," Spencer said. He looked like he was going to say more, but Kate came back out and beckoned them to come back to the treatment room. Aaron was relieved that Dave's blood work must have all been okay. He and Spencer joined Dave in recliners that had been pulled up next to each other while Kate went through the 'education' process, telling them what the treatment was going to be like and all the possible side effects. The room was entirely empty except for them, and once they'd gotten through the preliminaries and Kate hooked Dave up, she settled them in with snacks and a big screen TV that he tuned to a baseball game with the volume down.
By the end of the treatment, Dave was flushed and sweating and shaky. Kate handed a plastic bag to Aaron, and he peeked in long enough to see it was full of meds and papers.
"Let's get Dave out to the car," she suggested, and Dave reached out to grip Spencer's shoulder.
"Go on and talk to Aaron," he said, his voice hoarse. "Spencer can help me out to the car."
Spencer nodded and took Dave's arm. Aaron watched Spencer help Dave out, feeling oddly helpless, then turned back to look at Kate.
She smiled sympathetically at Aaron. "Doctor Morgan may not have mentioned this to you, but the drug Dave's getting for his chemotherapy is officially called irinotecan." He started to nod, but her expression went wry. "Here in the oncology clinic, we call it 'I-run-to-the-can'." She gestured to the bag Aaron was holding. "The Imodium's going to be his best friend for the next twelve to eighteen hours. Make sure he drinks lots of clear fluids and nothing with caffeine. If it lasts longer than twenty-four hours, call us. We don't want him getting dehydrated."
Aaron nodded. He wanted to go wrap Dave in his arms.
"We gave him lorazepam and palonosetron to help control any nausea as well as steroids, which can make the chemo more effective. The rest of today and tomorrow are going to be the worst, and he should start feeling better after that." Kate gave him a sympathetic smile. "He should take the Compazine at the first sign of nausea. Don't wait it out and see if he actually throws up. It's perfectly safe to take on top of the Aloxi, because they work differently. I know we went over the side effects earlier, but the folder has everything you need to know about handling them. If you need anything or have any questions, call." She held out a clinic appointment card and he could see a number hand-written on it. "That's my cell number. Feel free to call me, Aaron. Seriously."
Aaron nodded again, then sighed. "How did he do?" he asked. He had nothing to really compare Dave's reaction to, since the chemo had been different last time. Not to mention he wasn't sure anymore if Dave would tell him the worst of it after he'd managed to get Aaron so emotional. He hoped that wasn't the case, but it seemed ingrained in Aaron to feel weak for things like that, and to expect others to see it the same way.
"He handled it a lot better than his first radiation session," she said, smiling faintly. "He did say his stomach was bothering him some, so keep an eye on that." She touched Aaron's shoulder. "How are you doing? He told me this has been hard on you both."
"That would be an understatement," Aaron said. "I'm... I'll be okay. It's Dave I'm worried about," he told her.
"Aaron, you're his primary caregiver. You can't let yourself get run down either," she said. "I'm glad to see you have a friend with you today. You need to let other people take on some duties, and let yourself rest sometimes."
Aaron sighed. "Two of the women on our team brought over food. I think a third is more than likely knitting him something." He glanced toward the door and back to her. "Spencer showed up and just told us he was coming."
Kate smiled. "Good." She patted his shoulder. "I should let you go. But if there's anything we can do to help you or make Dave more comfortable, let us know. And like I said, make sure he takes the Imodium and Compazine if he needs it. There's written instructions on dosages in there."
"Thank you," he said, giving her a small smile. Hers widened just before he headed out to the car.
Dave was in the passenger seat of the car and had the seat back down as far as it would go. Spencer was sitting in the back seat, watching him anxiously. When Aaron got in the driver's seat, Dave grunted and put the seat up half-way.
"Drive carefully," he instructed Aaron. "I might throw up."
Aaron sighed and reached over to touch Dave's cheek. He was clammy, and he just frowned a little before Aaron took his hand away to drive. He drove slowly, taking turns and the occasional speed bump easily. Other drivers didn't seem all that pleased, but Aaron didn't care. What he cared about was that Dave was still holding in little grunts when they move too fast or too much.
"If you throw up, I'll throw up," Spencer said. "In case you needed motivation."
"Maybe chemo wasn't the best choice for you to visit, then," Dave muttered, but a moment later he reached back briefly, so Aaron supposed he was patting Spencer's leg. They were less than a mile from home when he noticed Dave seemed to be breathing harder than he should be.
"Okay?" he asked quietly.
"Drive faster," Dave mumbled.
"Okay," Aaron said, and sped up, hoping whatever Dave was wanting to get home fast for wasn't going to be made worse by it.
As soon as they made it into the garage, Dave struggled shakily out of the seatbelt and got out. "Dave," Aaron said, trying to get to him in case he was still unsteady. Spencer suddenly looked like he wasn't sure Dave wanted to be touched by him right now, but he followed closely until Aaron got there just in case.
"Bathroom," Dave bit out, and staggered that way with Aaron half-supporting him. Spencer quit trailing them in the kitchen. When they got to the door of the bathroom, Dave waved Aaron off. "L'be fine. Go 'way," he muttered, and leaned on the sink. "Please."
"I love you," Aaron said uselessly, but left and shut the door. He slumped against the wall outside of the door and heard Dave turn on the bathroom fan to muffle the sound of him getting sick. He knew Dave probably didn't want him listening either, but he couldn't bring himself to move, just in case Dave wasn't as fine as he said.
He heard Dave flush several times, and after a few minutes the fan went off. Dave coughed, then said, "Aaron?"
Aaron drew a deep breath, realizing he'd been holding it. "You okay?" he asked.
"C'mon in," Dave said. As Aaron opened the door, Dave made a noise that was almost amused. "Knew you'd be out there," he said, and gave Aaron a shaky smile. "Wouldn't mind sitting in the recliner for a while. Not feeling so hot."
"I'll get your medicine from the car once we get you settled," Aaron murmured. He walked over to where Dave was sitting on the toilet lid and kissed the top of his head, sliding his hands down Dave's back. He gave Dave a sad smile. "What else would I have done? It's not like I'd go get a beer and watch baseball with Spencer while you were in here." He stroked a hand over Dave's jaw. "We're in this together."
"I know," Dave murmured. "I know. I just...wanted to spare you dealing with puke." He sighed and leaned against Aaron. "I love you, Aaron."
"I love you too," Aaron said, stroking Dave's hair. "You don't need to spare me from anything."
"I know I don't need to. Sometimes I just wish I could. I know it's hard for you to see me like this." He rested against Aaron for a few more moments, then straightened up. "Recliner?" he reminded Aaron, and let Aaron help him to his feet.
Aaron nodded, but hugged Dave for a moment. "Don't worry about me," he said, then pulled back. "Do you need help?" he asked. He didn't want to treat Dave like an invalid if Dave was feeling capable on his own.
Dave hummed thoughtfully. "Just stay close so I can grab you if I need steadying," he said. "Mostly I just feel shaky and nauseous, but I'm thinking the real fun's going to start soon."
"I'll get your medicine from the car. Hopefully, that'll help." Aaron stood aside to let Dave past him, but followed him closely out. When they got out to the living room. Aaron noticed Spencer had already gotten Dave's medicine from the car, and he gave Spencer a grateful smile after he got Dave settled.
"You don't have to stick around for the messy stuff," Dave told Spencer, pulling Garcia's afghan close up around his shoulders. "I'm glad you came along though."
Spencer brought out the medicine and a glass of water. "Would you rather I left?" he asked.
"I didn't mean that," Dave said. "I just know I probably won't be good company today." He was shivering, but he smiled at Spencer. "You've been good company."
"Unless you'd rather I left, I want to stay," Spencer said. "Believe it or not, you're not always good company even when you're well. I think I can take it."
Aaron felt his lips curling up a bit at that, quite of their own accord.
Dave glared weakly at Spencer, but snorted and took his meds. "Someone should have taught you some manners," he grumbled half-heartedly.
"You're one to talk," Spencer said.
Aaron couldn't help the little laugh that came out of him, then he cleared his throat. "Would you like something to drink, Spencer?"
"He can't have any of my scotch," Dave announced, though it was barely noon and Aaron didn't expect Spencer to ask for scotch at all.
Aaron snorted, but Spencer just looked up at him and said, "Whatever you're having." Aaron nodded and headed into the kitchen.
After the third or fourth time Dave left their casual conversation to stumble off to the bathroom, Spencer said he was going to refill his coffee. Aaron gave him several minutes, then went out to find Spencer washing dishes. Spencer just shrugged and told him not to be surprised if Emily showed up to clean the house in the next few days.
Aaron wanted to protest, but he could understand that the team wanted to help somehow, and Dave's illness wasn't an enemy they could hunt down and bring to justice.
The next time Dave came out and slumped gingerly in his recliner, Spencer had said he'd promised to have dinner with Morgan, so he ought to be leaving shortly. Dave had squeezed Spencer's hand, then let him go. Aaron walked Spencer to the door. When he returned, Dave had his face buried in one hand, leaning against the arm of his recliner.
Aaron tilted his head at him and came closer, sitting on the couch near him to get closer, but perched to get up again. "What do you need?" he said quietly.
Dave let out a long shaky breath and lifted his head. Aaron was surprised to see that his cheeks were wet. "How the hell did I get this lucky?" Dave muttered. "That kid's such a blessing. And you. God."
Aaron shook his head and smiled faintly. "We love you." He paused, watching Dave. "And Spencer... he's never had a normal family. I think he's adopted us. Or maybe we adopted him. I'm not sure."
"Doesn't have a normal family in us, either," Dave said. He reached out and gripped Aaron's hand tightly. "You know how grateful I am for you? Both of you. And the rest of the team." He looked like he was about to say more, but then he tugged out of Aaron's hand and groaned. "Hang on."
He lurched out of his chair and headed down the hall again. When he came back, he sat next to Aaron on the couch. "At least I'm done throwing up," he said.
Aaron hummed an unhappy noise and pulled Dave close. "I wish I could take this away from you."
"Eh, I can't complain that life is dull," Dave said. He turned his head and kissed Aaron's neck. "You do a heck of a lot to make me feel better."
"Good," Aaron said. He stroked his hand through Dave's hair, and kissed the top of his head. "I think I'd rather life be dull."
"Mmm." Dave slumped against him. "Maybe once we're through with this, life will be dull for a good long while." He sighed. "Do you mind if I go lie down for a while?"
"No," Aaron said. "Want someone to tuck you in?"
Dave laughed softly and lifted his head to kiss Aaron. "Yeah, I think I do."
***
Neither of them said anything at first, but Dave was pretty sure he and Aaron both noticed it. It was more embarrassing than anything else. It wasn't out of vanity, even though Dave certainly couldn't have been accused of never having been fussy about his appearance in the same way he was fussy about a lot of things. Mostly it was the lack of control he had that bothered him. Not only was he sick a lot, but now he felt like he was leaving little bits of himself behind every where he went.
He'd watch TV for a while, and leave his hair behind on the chair. He barely wanted to run a comb through it anymore, given how much he had to pull out of the teeth when he was done, and black and grey hair lined his pillow when he woke up every morning.
Still, Aaron didn't say a word. Nothing changed, and Dave was certain Aaron was just not wanting to make a big deal of it, to prove he was still as attracted to and in love with Dave as he ever had been. As if Dave had ever doubted that.
At his first treatment, Nurse Kate had suggested that he try a satin pillowcase, because it was gentler than cotton. He'd laughed, but he found himself wondering if it was a good idea. Or maybe it was time to quit babying it and just shave it off. It was a harder decision to make than he'd expected.
He stared into the bathroom mirror and tried to imagine himself without any hair. After a while he thought he might miss the goatee more than the rest of his hair. Then he thought about how it felt when Aaron ran his fingers through his hair and decided he would miss that more.
Finally he left the bathroom and went out to the kitchen, where Aaron was already drinking a cup of coffee and reading the paper. Aaron had gone back to work the week after Dave's first chemo treatment. Dave had assured him he would be fine for the next two weeks until his next treatment, and had continued to work on consultations via phone and email. But the team was home for the weekend, and Dave was grateful.
Dave poured himself a cup of coffee and sipped it, then added some sugar. "I think it's time to shave," he announced abruptly, as if saying it that way would keep Aaron from discussing it.
"Hmm?" Aaron hummed, then looked up from his paper. He didn't say anything at first, but Dave could feel him watching. "It's not that bad yet," he said after a moment.
Dave shrugged. "Maybe it's better to do it now before it gets bad." He paused, then added the rest of what he was thinking. "That way I control it instead of the cancer controlling it."
Aaron nodded slowly. "If that's what you want to do, we'll do it."
Dave sipped his coffee and took a breath, then looked over at him. "Then I won't have to spend as much time getting ready when we go out," he joked.
Aaron breathed a laugh, then smiled faintly at Dave. "I've never shaved a head before, but it can't be too terribly difficult."
Dave widened his eyes. "You think I'm going to let you come at my head with a razor after you've said that? Hell no."
Aaron laughed again, this time a little louder. It made Dave smile; Aaron hadn't been laughing enough lately.
"All right, fine," Aaron said. "Do it yourself."
"Mm." Dave thought for a moment. He wasn't all that keen on the idea of taking a razor to his own head, either. "I seem to recall this tall, bald black guy back at the office. Maybe he could do it."
"Probably," Aaron said. He tilted his head at Dave. "Honestly, though, I can learn, if you'd prefer it."
Dave studied Aaron for a moment and then smiled, leaning down to kiss him. "You already do enough," he said. "And anyway, Spencer says Morgan's been wanting to help out, so this'll give him something to do. We don't have any walls that need tearing down."
"Okay," Aaron murmured, pulling Dave in for another kiss before letting Dave sit. "I can call him after breakfast. What do you feel like?"
"Think I'll just have a bowl of cereal," Dave said. "You know, I'm feeling a hell of a lot better than I was the first week. Not that I don't appreciate you wanting to help out, but I can get my own breakfast." Aaron was looking more exhausted than Dave liked to see, and he couldn't help feeling guilty that some of it must be the burden Dave's illness created for him.
Aaron shrugged. "I like to help," he said. Then his lips twisted. "But if you'd rather me not..."
Dave held in a sigh. He'd hurt Aaron's feelings, even though he hadn't meant to. He sat down and cupped a hand against Aaron's cheek. "I know you want to help. But I don't want you to wear yourself out." He gave Aaron a faint smile. "I don't get much chance to help you these days."
"I know," Aaron said. He turned his face to kiss Dave's palm. "I... don't know where the line is, Dave. I don't want to be overbearing, but I do want to help whenever you need me to."
Dave's smile strengthened. "You're never overbearing," he said, and leaned across the table for a kiss. "I do appreciate how much you want to help me." He stroked his thumb against Aaron's cheekbone. "God, I'm such a lucky man to have you."
Aaron smiled. "Are you going to stop saying that anytime soon?" he teased.
"Never," Dave replied, grinning back at him. "I'm too smart to take you for granted."
"Shh," Aaron whispered. He kissed Dave again, and stood. "I'm going to take a shower. If you want to make us breakfast, you can." He kissed the top of Dave's head and started out of the kitchen.
Dave laughed and let him go, then decided bacon-cheese omelets and toast with jelly would be a good breakfast. He had everything ready by the time Aaron got back from his shower, his short hair still damp. As soon as Aaron sat down, Dave went around behind him and kissed the back of his neck. He could never resist Aaron straight from the shower.
"Mmm," Aaron hummed, dropping his head forward a little to let Dave have more room to press his lips to the slightly damp skin.
"D'I ever think to mention the fact that you're kinda sexy?" Dave murmured, rubbing his chin against Aaron's skin. "'Cause you are."
"You're said it once or twice," Aaron said. "You're not so bad yourself."
Dave nipped gently. "Have some breakfast," he said, and kissed the spot behind Aaron's ear, then pulled away. He ran his fingers down the side of Aaron's neck, then turned and got himself some food.
"You can't do that and expect me to still be interested in eating," Aaron said, but his voice was teasing as he picked up his fork. "Thank you."
"You're thanking me for kisses?" Dave teased. "Do I get a tip if I do blow jobs?" He nudged Aaron's foot with his own and started on his breakfast.
"If I say no, do I automatically not get one?" Aaron asked, grinning. "Thank you for breakfast," he corrected.
"Oh, you're quite welcome for breakfast," Dave said. "As for the blow jobs, we'll see about that, if you behave yourself." Actually he was more interested in calling Derek and seeing if he would be willing to help out. The longer Dave waited, the more he was afraid he might chicken out.
"When do I not behave myself?" Aaron said. He slid his foot against Dave's, but turned his attention back to his food.
"Good question. There must have been one time," Dave said, and spent the rest of the meal trying to think of one.
After breakfast Aaron went to call Derek while Dave put the dishes in the machine. He didn't mind asking Derek for help, as long as Aaron was the one doing the actual asking. It was strange, but all his life Dave had had trouble asking for help...except from Aaron. Even the day he'd realized he was really part of the team after returning to the BAU, just because they'd followed him to Indianapolis thinking he might need help...even then Dave had tried to deny he couldn't go it alone.
He'd been wrong, but he'd had always had a hard time admitting that, too.
When Aaron got off the phone, Dave dragged him off to the bedroom for the promised misbehaving, then took a shower while Aaron paid some bills. When he got out of the shower, Derek was there, along with Penelope.
Penelope smiled at him. "We are here, my fine young sir, to turn you into a five foot ten... eleven?" She waved her hand, dismissing it. "A giant phallus. Are y--?"
Morgan draped his arm over her shoulder and casually covered her mouth. "What my baby girl is tryin' to say is, where are we doing this? Bathroom? Garage?"
Penelope pulled his hand away, giving him a playful glare. "No 'hi, how are you'? You so suck at foreplay."
Dave groaned and shook his head, but he couldn't help feeling a little better now that Penelope was here. She brought warmth to just about any situation. It had taken Dave some time to get used to her, but even if he might not admit it, he adored her.
"I'm good, thanks, and you?" he said, smiling at her.
She grinned and pulled out of Morgan's arms to go give Dave a hug. "Brilliant. I get to spend the afternoon with three of my favorite pups."
"Pups?" Dave repeated, and shook his head again. But he kissed her cheek and grinned at Derek. "I'm just glad you're here to keep Derek in line."
"Man, I resent that," Derek said, but he was chuckling. He held out a hand and gripped Dave's. "How you doing, Dave? Thanks for taking care of that consult on the Chicago case."
"No problem," Dave said. "I'm not doing too bad, except that I'm getting tired of shedding worse than the cat."
Penelope hadn't moved away, and she reached up to touch Dave hair. "I admit, I'll miss the silver. It was sort of sexy."
Aaron cleared his throat loudly across the room, and Garcia just started laughing.
Dave grinned. "Aaron thinks so too, he just can't admit it." He waggled his eyebrows at Aaron.
"I don't know. That throat clearing sounded pretty territorial to me," Garcia said, and Aaron's lips curled.
"Maybe a little territorial," Dave admitted. He shook his head. "Come on, let's get this over with. Clearly the bald look works for Derek, so maybe it'll do me some favors too." He winked at Aaron.
Aaron hummed thoughtfully. "Well," he said, "Nothing could make you less attractive to me, so you never know."
Dave felt a big stupid grin spread across his face. Aaron didn't normally say things like that in front of the team, and Aaron's cheeks were just barely pink, but he'd still said it.
Penelope made a cooing noise that didn't really help matters, but Derek just slapped Dave gently on the shoulder. "All right, man. Lead the way."
When Dave and Derek got to the master bathroom, which was bigger, Dave realized Penelope and Aaron had followed too. Penelope had whipped out a digital camera and Dave eyed it suspiciously.
"What the hell is that for?" he demanded.
"You'll want these pictures later," she promised. "And I won't use them for any nefarious purposes."
He growled at her but didn't bother arguing any more. He'd learned over the years that arguing with Penelope was like arguing with a mountain. Except sometimes the mountain gave a little.
Aaron just sat on the edge of the tub and watched, but he seemed content enough with the way Penelope and Morgan were taking care of Dave. He didn't seem the least bit bothered by what they were doing either, and that made Dave feel a little more relaxed.
Morgan started to explain the process, which seemed simple enough--buzz off the length, get head wet, lather with shaving cream, shave--and pretty soon, the clippers were buzzing and Garcia was clicking away with the camera.
After a while Dave closed his eyes, complaining that he had shaving cream in his eye, even though he figured they would know it was an excuse. He didn't really think he was all that vain, but he had a feeling it was going to be a big adjustment. Despite his nerves, he found himself relaxing under Derek's calm, sure touches.
Finally he felt Derek brush a hand over his head. "Okay, man. Now you just need some lotion, and you're good to go. But you're definitely gonna need to put sunscreen on a lot, or wear hats. Do you even own any hats?"
Dave opened his eyes and peered at him. "I may have a Cubs hat somewhere."
"Buried... somewhere," Aaron said.
Morgan went for the lotion, but Garcia snatched it away. "I want to do it. It's good luck." She grinned at Dave in the mirror. "And I doubt I'll ever get to rub Dave's head again."
"Watch it," Aaron said, and Garcia laughed, but Dave was just staring at his reflection after he'd met Garcia's gaze.
He'd been right. It was strange. But he kind of liked it. "I look like my Uncle Jack," he said, and noticed how raising his eyebrows made the whole front of his head wrinkle up. God, that was weird. He glanced over at Aaron, feeling almost nervous.
Aaron's gaze was affectionate, though. "You kind of do," he agreed, smiling faintly.
Dave smiled back at him, relieved at his reaction. Penelope chose that moment to squirt some lotion directly onto his head, and Dave tensed, biting out a "Shit!" at the sudden cold against his scalp.
She beamed at him and started smoothing it over his head. "I ought to make a wish."
Morgan and Aaron both started laughing, but Dave just grunted at her as she closed her eyes and rubbed more dramatically, making her wish. Then she pulled back and patted his head gently. "You are moist, my friend."
"Only you could make that sound so dirty," Dave replied, but he grinned at her, then turned it on Derek. "Thanks."
Derek's smile was warm and instant. "I'm glad I could help, Dave. You know I'd do anything I could for you."
Dave laughed. "I'd tell you you could clean the bathroom, but I have a feeling you'd draw the line there."
"Get me a broom, man," Derek said, holding his hands out, but Dave just laughed again.
"Don't laugh," Penelope said. "Either tell us where it is, or I'll go looking." She nudged Aaron away from the tub, and he stood. "You two go sit in the living room and make kissy faces at each other or something, and me and Morgan will clean up."
"Kissy faces," Dave repeated, but Penelope pushed him gently out the door. He heard Aaron tell Derek where to find the broom, and then they'd been shut out of their own bathroom. Dave raised an eyebrow at Aaron. "Kissy faces," he said again.
Aaron laughed, then leaned in to kiss Dave.
"Mm." Dave slid an arm around Aaron's waist and teased Aaron's lower lip with his tongue. He could deal with kissy faces.
Aaron made a pleased noise and squeezed Dave a little, then pulled back and led them down the hallway. He pulled Dave down on the couch when they got to it and murmured, "I figure she probably doesn't want to hear it, even if she asked for it." His hand brushed Dave's cheek, then back up over his temple and the side of his head.
"You may not want to know the real answer to that," Dave grumbled, but then he pulled back a little. "Is it...okay?"
Aaron nodded, looking at Dave's scalp. "Yeah. It's just strange." Dave shivered slightly went Aaron ran his hand over the back of Dave's head, unused to the touch against bare skin there.
"I felt weird, leaving bits of me all over," Dave said. "Anyway, it's bad enough when it's Fuzzy." He didn't know how many times he'd threatened to shave the cat for shedding all over.
"Don't get ideas. I'm keeping the cat away from Morgan," Aaron said. He cupped Dave's cheek and kissed him slowly.
Dave hummed into the kiss and leaned into Aaron, liking that his being suddenly bald at least didn't seem a deterrent to Aaron. He recognized the bizarre aspect of a guy with recurrent brain cancer saying it, but Dave couldn't keep from reflecting again that he really had been blessed. He had the perfect lover and partner for him, and he had wonderful friends and family. He slid his fingers into Aaron's hair and let his eyes slide closed.
Aaron deepened the kiss, his desire evident, and Dave had to tell his body not to respond. God, Aaron was wonderful. Aaron's arms slid around Dave's shoulders as they kissed, his fingers stroking the back of Dave's neck.
When they pulled back, they were both breathless and smiling. "I love you," Dave whispered. "You've made this all bearable." He lifted a hand to stroke Aaron's cheek, then leaned in for a soft kiss. That was when a flash of light caught his eye. He pulled back and saw Penelope, looking a little shamefaced but defiant, and gripping her camera.
"Garcia," Aaron said, his tone reproachful.
"What?" she said innocently. "Oh, come on, I bet you two don't have any snuggly pictures of you anywhere, and besides, I've already taken it. What are you going to do, fire me?"
Dave snorted. She had a point; they didn't have any snuggly pictures of them. "He'll only fire you if you make that at all public," he informed her, and nudged Aaron. "Right?"
Aaron sighed and rubbed his forehead. "I can't fire you anyway. I'm convinced Morgan or JJ would shoot me."
Penelope pouted at them. "You ought to know I would never use these pictures for evil purposes. I'm hurt."
"Right," Dave said dryly.
Penelope just made a little noise and shrugged, putting on her innocent face. "Okay, what do Broody and Baldy want for lunch? Sneaky will make it happen while Studly finishes in the bathroom."
Dave burst out laughing and shook his head. "I hope she never realizes her talent is wasted on us," he told Aaron. "Make something interesting," he said, turning his gaze on Penelope. "You can have the run of the pantry."
Even Aaron was grinning now, and Penelope beamed at them. "Oh, honey, I'm always interesting." She disappeared into the kitchen, and Dave settled back against Aaron again. Aaron slid his arm around Dave and murmured, "What did we do to deserve her?" he asked, but Dave could tell it was a compliment.
"Just got lucky," Dave said. He leaned his head against Aaron's shoulder. "This is a good family."
Morgan came out a few minutes later and got drinks for everyone, then sat in the living room with Dave and Aaron when Penelope threw him out of the kitchen. He and Dave had a good-natured argument about the Cubs versus the White Sox, but finally agreed they'd cheer for different baseball teams and both cheer for the Bears. It was a long-standing disagreement that they had to revisit every baseball season.
Garcia came back in about 30 minutes later, after they'd all started smelling something wonderful from the kitchen, with some sort of chicken sandwiches that were topped with a spicy-sweet fruit concoction she must have made with the frozen mango in the fridge. Dave would have never thought of it, but they wound up being delicious.
After they finished eating, she pulled her yarn and knitting needles out of her bag and practiced her Italian with Dave and Aaron (who had been learning it along with her for years, since Mama Rosa often forgot herself and spoke in Italian). Morgan did the dishes and then came back and teased Fuzzy with a piece of yarn until the cat got bored and climbed on Dave's lap for petting.
It wasn't long before Garcia held up her knitting with a "Ta-da!" and cut the yarn. She worked for a minute, then held the lump of cloth out to Dave. "It matches your afghan!" she announced.
Dave took it and turned it in his hands, inspecting it. "Thanks. Um...what is it?"
She laughed. "A fashion accessory, Baldy!"
"A..." Dave looked at it for a moment, then realized what she meant. It was a cap. He gave her a look. "If you'd given this to me first, I wouldn't have had to shave," he said, then grinned and put it on.
"Oh, that is so you, Dave," Derek said, grinning at him. "Careful, Hotch, you're gonna have to beat the girls away with a broom or something."
"Garcia, can you make him a matching sweater?" Aaron teased.
"If you want him to look more gay than he is, I sure can," she said. "I could probably do pants to, but you'd have to measure the inseam for me."
"Hey," Dave protested, glaring at Aaron. "I think it's nice, Penelope. Thank you." It was sort of silly-looking, but he appreciated the sentiment, and he knew he'd probably appreciate having something to keep his head warm until he got used to being bald.
"You're welcome, poppet," she said. "I might make a blue one next. You look good in blue. Just don't machine wash it, or it'll felt."
"I don't know what that means, but I'll hand wash it just in case," Dave agreed.
Author:
innerslytherin and severity_softlyArtist:
tliPairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 147,800
Summary: Futurefic--Shortly before Dave turns sixty, he is diagnosed with a grade III brain tumor. He and Aaron have to come to terms with what this means for their relationship. Eventually the team has to help Aaron say goodbye.
Notes: Heavy angst. Lots of medical detail. Character death. This fic would not exist without the extensive help, support, encouragement, and hand-holding from
resolucidity, who served as our medical consultant throughout.Master post
Chapter Ten
Somehow they got through telling the team and their families that Dave was going to be going through treatment again. Aaron wasn't sure how they managed it, especially since he'd had a harder struggle for his control since Dave had provoked that horrible crying jag in the car. But in some ways it was easier to say "It's back" than it had been to say "It's cancer" the first time.
At the doctor's recommendation, Dave had outpatient surgery to get a portacath installed to make chemo easier. It would eliminate the need for multiple needle sticks every time Dave was in for treatment, and they'd decided quickly that it was a good idea.
JJ and Emily showed up the night before Dave's first chemo treatment with enough food to feed them through the weekend. Dave had joked that they could have brought half as much, since he probably wouldn't be eating much, but it had, shockingly, dissolved Emily into tears, and Dave had spent the next half hour dealing with her tears while JJ and Aaron put the food in the fridge and drank scotch in the kitchen.
The next day Spencer had shown up at the house shortly before they left for treatment and announced he was going too. Aaron hadn't been sure if Dave would be comfortable with it, but Dave had glanced at Aaron, then shrugged and said Aaron could probably use the company.
When they got to the hospital, Nurse Kate was the one in charge of Dave's treatment, and Aaron found himself grateful to see a familiar face, even though she chided Dave for getting sick again.
"Sorry, babe, I just missed you too much," Dave said, which made her laugh and roll her eyes.
"You better keep an eye on him," she told Aaron, and then gestured for Dave to go ahead of her.
"I do all the time," Aaron told her as they left. "Thank you, Kate."
She smiled warmly at him. "I'll let you know when you two can join us." Then she followed Dave out of the room.
Aaron sighed and looked back at Spencer, who gave him a tight, awkward smile.
"How, ah... how-- how are you feeling?" he asked awkwardly.
Aaron offered back a smile that felt stiff. "I'm not the one you need to worry about," he deflected, not wanting to inspect too closely how he felt.
"Actually, I've always found it's harder on the loved ones of the people who're sick, emotionally. It's been said--" Spencer cut off when Aaron gave him a look that said he'd rather not discuss it.
"How are you feeling?" Aaron countered, sure that Spencer wouldn't want to talk about it any more than he did.
Spencer's eyebrows went up, and rocked on his heels for a moment, then said, "I'm not his lover." He cleared his throat, and glanced around the waiting room. "They have coffee."
Aaron sighed and nodded. "It's not terrible, either, if they're using the stuff I was drinking eight months ago. You do know the treatment is supposed to be ninety minutes, don't you?"
"Since when have you known me not to do my research?" Spencer asked, heading over to the coffee urn.
Aaron followed him, frowning. "Never. I just...why are you here, Spencer? Not that I don't appreciate it, but we did all right the first time."
Spencer bit his lip as he sweetened his coffee. "Does it matter?"
"It does to me," Aaron said. "And eventually it will to Dave, even if he's taking it for granted right now." He poured himself a cup of coffee and blew on it. "I do appreciate it. But I can't help but wonder why this is different for you."
Spencer gave Aaron a sideways glance, then went for the powdered creamer. "Different from what?"
"From the first time."
Spencer shrugged. "I wanted to do this the first time, but I figured Dave would try to stop me."
"You could have offered to see what he would say," Aaron said. He curled his fingers around Spencer's elbow and guided him over to some chairs in the corner of the waiting area. "If I'd known you wanted that, I could have encouraged him to let you help. Though the chemo the first time around was in pill form, and Doctor Morgan tells us the side effects of the irinotecan are going to be much more taxing than the pills."
"I know," Spencer said. He shrugged again and sipped his coffee. Aaron watched him for a moment, and Spencer's eyes went glassy. He immediately turned his head, though, obviously hoping Aaron wouldn't notice.
Aaron pressed his lips together, then reached out and touched Spencer's arm. "Talk to me," he said quietly.
"I somehow doubt it would make you feel any better," Spencer said.
"Will it make you feel better?"
Spencer's lips twisted, and he turned back, but didn't look at Aaron. He shook his head. "No idea. Probably not."
Aaron sighed. "We're not...unrealistic about the severity of Dave's illness," he said finally. He chose his words slowly, trying to acknowledge Spencer's fears--and his own--without strengthening them. "He's very stubborn, Spencer."
Spencer huffed an almost-laugh. "That's an understatement."
Aaron nodded. "Then don't do him the disservice of underestimating him," he said, his voice quiet. He put his hand on Spencer's knee. "He's going to fight."
To Aaron's surprise, when Spencer turned to look at Aaron, he was scowling. "I don't underestimate him," he said, sounding slightly upset. "I never have. I also don't underestimate a grade III brain tumor and what this type of chemotherapy can do to someone."
"I'm sorry," Aaron said automatically. "We know it's going to be difficult. More difficult than the first treatment. And I appreciate your help. You know that, I hope. I just..." He sighed finally. "I'm trying not to let my own fears infect Dave. He has enough to deal with. I'm sorry, Spencer."
Spencer frowned at Aaron a moment longer, then looked away. "I was trying not to make you more upset, too."
Aaron laughed, though he was afraid it sounded more shaky than he wanted it to. "I'm not sure that's possible, actually." He looked down at his coffee and took a deep breath, trying to steady himself.
"Sure it is. All I have to do is sit here and reinforce all your fears instead of telling you I'm sure it'll all be all right," Spencer said, slouching.
Aaron sighed. "I wouldn't want you to lie," he said. "Doctor Morgan has said that Dave is very determined, and that a lot of the statistics are too old to really apply. But I know that a lot of men with recurrent tumors like this don't survive." His voice shook and he took another deep breath, then sipped his coffee. He couldn't look at Spencer. Dave had promised to fight this. He'd promised to win.
He saw Spencer nod slowly. "That's why I had to come," he said. "I didn't last time, and if anything would have happened, I would have regretted it." Spencer was staring straight ahead too, and his voice was starting to sound a little strained. "I don't want to regret anything later."
"You know how proud he is to call you a friend," Aaron said quietly. "I think it means a lot to him that you want to be there for him."
"He means a lot to me," Spencer said, then chewed his lower lip for a moment. "Both of you do."
Aaron smiled down at his coffee. "That's certainly mutual," he said. He was silent for a moment, then sighed. "Have you ever done this before?" He knew the chemo drugs Dave would get were newer than what his father had been given, but he couldn't help remembering what his father had been like.
Spencer shook his head. "My, ah... My dad's brother died of cancer when I was fifteen, but..." He shrugged, not finishing his thought, but Aaron could infer enough, given Spencer had not seen his dad at all after he left Diana, aside from that one case in Vegas years ago.
Aaron nodded. They didn't speak for a long time, sipping their coffee and not looking at each other. Finally Aaron said, "I don't want to see him like this."
Spencer glanced over, and watched Aaron for a moment. "It's not going to be easy," he agreed.
"How are the others?" Aaron asked. "They know you're here?"
"Yeah. Morgan does, at least." Spencer ran his fingers through his hair, and wavy strands fell back in his face when it fell forward again. "They're all..." He sighed. "Everyone is dealing in their own way."
Aaron nodded. After a long moment he touched Spencer's knee. "I'd rather this stay between us," he said hesitantly. He waited until he saw Spencer looking at him before he continued. "I...think Dave is more concerned than he lets on. Being scared makes him angry, and you know how he can lash out." He let his voice trail off, because Spencer was nodding slightly.
"I know," Spencer said. "I've seen it. I don't care."
"Yeah." Aaron leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "I would give anything for this to be me instead of him," he admitted in a low voice.
Spencer laughed sadly. "I told him I'd give him half my brain if I could." His lips twisted. "I was drunk, but I meant it."
"Maybe you were right," Aaron murmured. "About it being hard on the people who aren't sick."
"Harder," Spencer said. He looked like he was going to say more, but Kate came back out and beckoned them to come back to the treatment room. Aaron was relieved that Dave's blood work must have all been okay. He and Spencer joined Dave in recliners that had been pulled up next to each other while Kate went through the 'education' process, telling them what the treatment was going to be like and all the possible side effects. The room was entirely empty except for them, and once they'd gotten through the preliminaries and Kate hooked Dave up, she settled them in with snacks and a big screen TV that he tuned to a baseball game with the volume down.
By the end of the treatment, Dave was flushed and sweating and shaky. Kate handed a plastic bag to Aaron, and he peeked in long enough to see it was full of meds and papers.
"Let's get Dave out to the car," she suggested, and Dave reached out to grip Spencer's shoulder.
"Go on and talk to Aaron," he said, his voice hoarse. "Spencer can help me out to the car."
Spencer nodded and took Dave's arm. Aaron watched Spencer help Dave out, feeling oddly helpless, then turned back to look at Kate.
She smiled sympathetically at Aaron. "Doctor Morgan may not have mentioned this to you, but the drug Dave's getting for his chemotherapy is officially called irinotecan." He started to nod, but her expression went wry. "Here in the oncology clinic, we call it 'I-run-to-the-can'." She gestured to the bag Aaron was holding. "The Imodium's going to be his best friend for the next twelve to eighteen hours. Make sure he drinks lots of clear fluids and nothing with caffeine. If it lasts longer than twenty-four hours, call us. We don't want him getting dehydrated."
Aaron nodded. He wanted to go wrap Dave in his arms.
"We gave him lorazepam and palonosetron to help control any nausea as well as steroids, which can make the chemo more effective. The rest of today and tomorrow are going to be the worst, and he should start feeling better after that." Kate gave him a sympathetic smile. "He should take the Compazine at the first sign of nausea. Don't wait it out and see if he actually throws up. It's perfectly safe to take on top of the Aloxi, because they work differently. I know we went over the side effects earlier, but the folder has everything you need to know about handling them. If you need anything or have any questions, call." She held out a clinic appointment card and he could see a number hand-written on it. "That's my cell number. Feel free to call me, Aaron. Seriously."
Aaron nodded again, then sighed. "How did he do?" he asked. He had nothing to really compare Dave's reaction to, since the chemo had been different last time. Not to mention he wasn't sure anymore if Dave would tell him the worst of it after he'd managed to get Aaron so emotional. He hoped that wasn't the case, but it seemed ingrained in Aaron to feel weak for things like that, and to expect others to see it the same way.
"He handled it a lot better than his first radiation session," she said, smiling faintly. "He did say his stomach was bothering him some, so keep an eye on that." She touched Aaron's shoulder. "How are you doing? He told me this has been hard on you both."
"That would be an understatement," Aaron said. "I'm... I'll be okay. It's Dave I'm worried about," he told her.
"Aaron, you're his primary caregiver. You can't let yourself get run down either," she said. "I'm glad to see you have a friend with you today. You need to let other people take on some duties, and let yourself rest sometimes."
Aaron sighed. "Two of the women on our team brought over food. I think a third is more than likely knitting him something." He glanced toward the door and back to her. "Spencer showed up and just told us he was coming."
Kate smiled. "Good." She patted his shoulder. "I should let you go. But if there's anything we can do to help you or make Dave more comfortable, let us know. And like I said, make sure he takes the Imodium and Compazine if he needs it. There's written instructions on dosages in there."
"Thank you," he said, giving her a small smile. Hers widened just before he headed out to the car.
Dave was in the passenger seat of the car and had the seat back down as far as it would go. Spencer was sitting in the back seat, watching him anxiously. When Aaron got in the driver's seat, Dave grunted and put the seat up half-way.
"Drive carefully," he instructed Aaron. "I might throw up."
Aaron sighed and reached over to touch Dave's cheek. He was clammy, and he just frowned a little before Aaron took his hand away to drive. He drove slowly, taking turns and the occasional speed bump easily. Other drivers didn't seem all that pleased, but Aaron didn't care. What he cared about was that Dave was still holding in little grunts when they move too fast or too much.
"If you throw up, I'll throw up," Spencer said. "In case you needed motivation."
"Maybe chemo wasn't the best choice for you to visit, then," Dave muttered, but a moment later he reached back briefly, so Aaron supposed he was patting Spencer's leg. They were less than a mile from home when he noticed Dave seemed to be breathing harder than he should be.
"Okay?" he asked quietly.
"Drive faster," Dave mumbled.
"Okay," Aaron said, and sped up, hoping whatever Dave was wanting to get home fast for wasn't going to be made worse by it.
As soon as they made it into the garage, Dave struggled shakily out of the seatbelt and got out. "Dave," Aaron said, trying to get to him in case he was still unsteady. Spencer suddenly looked like he wasn't sure Dave wanted to be touched by him right now, but he followed closely until Aaron got there just in case.
"Bathroom," Dave bit out, and staggered that way with Aaron half-supporting him. Spencer quit trailing them in the kitchen. When they got to the door of the bathroom, Dave waved Aaron off. "L'be fine. Go 'way," he muttered, and leaned on the sink. "Please."
"I love you," Aaron said uselessly, but left and shut the door. He slumped against the wall outside of the door and heard Dave turn on the bathroom fan to muffle the sound of him getting sick. He knew Dave probably didn't want him listening either, but he couldn't bring himself to move, just in case Dave wasn't as fine as he said.
He heard Dave flush several times, and after a few minutes the fan went off. Dave coughed, then said, "Aaron?"
Aaron drew a deep breath, realizing he'd been holding it. "You okay?" he asked.
"C'mon in," Dave said. As Aaron opened the door, Dave made a noise that was almost amused. "Knew you'd be out there," he said, and gave Aaron a shaky smile. "Wouldn't mind sitting in the recliner for a while. Not feeling so hot."
"I'll get your medicine from the car once we get you settled," Aaron murmured. He walked over to where Dave was sitting on the toilet lid and kissed the top of his head, sliding his hands down Dave's back. He gave Dave a sad smile. "What else would I have done? It's not like I'd go get a beer and watch baseball with Spencer while you were in here." He stroked a hand over Dave's jaw. "We're in this together."
"I know," Dave murmured. "I know. I just...wanted to spare you dealing with puke." He sighed and leaned against Aaron. "I love you, Aaron."
"I love you too," Aaron said, stroking Dave's hair. "You don't need to spare me from anything."
"I know I don't need to. Sometimes I just wish I could. I know it's hard for you to see me like this." He rested against Aaron for a few more moments, then straightened up. "Recliner?" he reminded Aaron, and let Aaron help him to his feet.
Aaron nodded, but hugged Dave for a moment. "Don't worry about me," he said, then pulled back. "Do you need help?" he asked. He didn't want to treat Dave like an invalid if Dave was feeling capable on his own.
Dave hummed thoughtfully. "Just stay close so I can grab you if I need steadying," he said. "Mostly I just feel shaky and nauseous, but I'm thinking the real fun's going to start soon."
"I'll get your medicine from the car. Hopefully, that'll help." Aaron stood aside to let Dave past him, but followed him closely out. When they got out to the living room. Aaron noticed Spencer had already gotten Dave's medicine from the car, and he gave Spencer a grateful smile after he got Dave settled.
"You don't have to stick around for the messy stuff," Dave told Spencer, pulling Garcia's afghan close up around his shoulders. "I'm glad you came along though."
Spencer brought out the medicine and a glass of water. "Would you rather I left?" he asked.
"I didn't mean that," Dave said. "I just know I probably won't be good company today." He was shivering, but he smiled at Spencer. "You've been good company."
"Unless you'd rather I left, I want to stay," Spencer said. "Believe it or not, you're not always good company even when you're well. I think I can take it."
Aaron felt his lips curling up a bit at that, quite of their own accord.
Dave glared weakly at Spencer, but snorted and took his meds. "Someone should have taught you some manners," he grumbled half-heartedly.
"You're one to talk," Spencer said.
Aaron couldn't help the little laugh that came out of him, then he cleared his throat. "Would you like something to drink, Spencer?"
"He can't have any of my scotch," Dave announced, though it was barely noon and Aaron didn't expect Spencer to ask for scotch at all.
Aaron snorted, but Spencer just looked up at him and said, "Whatever you're having." Aaron nodded and headed into the kitchen.
After the third or fourth time Dave left their casual conversation to stumble off to the bathroom, Spencer said he was going to refill his coffee. Aaron gave him several minutes, then went out to find Spencer washing dishes. Spencer just shrugged and told him not to be surprised if Emily showed up to clean the house in the next few days.
Aaron wanted to protest, but he could understand that the team wanted to help somehow, and Dave's illness wasn't an enemy they could hunt down and bring to justice.
The next time Dave came out and slumped gingerly in his recliner, Spencer had said he'd promised to have dinner with Morgan, so he ought to be leaving shortly. Dave had squeezed Spencer's hand, then let him go. Aaron walked Spencer to the door. When he returned, Dave had his face buried in one hand, leaning against the arm of his recliner.
Aaron tilted his head at him and came closer, sitting on the couch near him to get closer, but perched to get up again. "What do you need?" he said quietly.
Dave let out a long shaky breath and lifted his head. Aaron was surprised to see that his cheeks were wet. "How the hell did I get this lucky?" Dave muttered. "That kid's such a blessing. And you. God."
Aaron shook his head and smiled faintly. "We love you." He paused, watching Dave. "And Spencer... he's never had a normal family. I think he's adopted us. Or maybe we adopted him. I'm not sure."
"Doesn't have a normal family in us, either," Dave said. He reached out and gripped Aaron's hand tightly. "You know how grateful I am for you? Both of you. And the rest of the team." He looked like he was about to say more, but then he tugged out of Aaron's hand and groaned. "Hang on."
He lurched out of his chair and headed down the hall again. When he came back, he sat next to Aaron on the couch. "At least I'm done throwing up," he said.
Aaron hummed an unhappy noise and pulled Dave close. "I wish I could take this away from you."
"Eh, I can't complain that life is dull," Dave said. He turned his head and kissed Aaron's neck. "You do a heck of a lot to make me feel better."
"Good," Aaron said. He stroked his hand through Dave's hair, and kissed the top of his head. "I think I'd rather life be dull."
"Mmm." Dave slumped against him. "Maybe once we're through with this, life will be dull for a good long while." He sighed. "Do you mind if I go lie down for a while?"
"No," Aaron said. "Want someone to tuck you in?"
Dave laughed softly and lifted his head to kiss Aaron. "Yeah, I think I do."
***
Neither of them said anything at first, but Dave was pretty sure he and Aaron both noticed it. It was more embarrassing than anything else. It wasn't out of vanity, even though Dave certainly couldn't have been accused of never having been fussy about his appearance in the same way he was fussy about a lot of things. Mostly it was the lack of control he had that bothered him. Not only was he sick a lot, but now he felt like he was leaving little bits of himself behind every where he went.
He'd watch TV for a while, and leave his hair behind on the chair. He barely wanted to run a comb through it anymore, given how much he had to pull out of the teeth when he was done, and black and grey hair lined his pillow when he woke up every morning.
Still, Aaron didn't say a word. Nothing changed, and Dave was certain Aaron was just not wanting to make a big deal of it, to prove he was still as attracted to and in love with Dave as he ever had been. As if Dave had ever doubted that.
At his first treatment, Nurse Kate had suggested that he try a satin pillowcase, because it was gentler than cotton. He'd laughed, but he found himself wondering if it was a good idea. Or maybe it was time to quit babying it and just shave it off. It was a harder decision to make than he'd expected.
He stared into the bathroom mirror and tried to imagine himself without any hair. After a while he thought he might miss the goatee more than the rest of his hair. Then he thought about how it felt when Aaron ran his fingers through his hair and decided he would miss that more.
Finally he left the bathroom and went out to the kitchen, where Aaron was already drinking a cup of coffee and reading the paper. Aaron had gone back to work the week after Dave's first chemo treatment. Dave had assured him he would be fine for the next two weeks until his next treatment, and had continued to work on consultations via phone and email. But the team was home for the weekend, and Dave was grateful.
Dave poured himself a cup of coffee and sipped it, then added some sugar. "I think it's time to shave," he announced abruptly, as if saying it that way would keep Aaron from discussing it.
"Hmm?" Aaron hummed, then looked up from his paper. He didn't say anything at first, but Dave could feel him watching. "It's not that bad yet," he said after a moment.
Dave shrugged. "Maybe it's better to do it now before it gets bad." He paused, then added the rest of what he was thinking. "That way I control it instead of the cancer controlling it."
Aaron nodded slowly. "If that's what you want to do, we'll do it."
Dave sipped his coffee and took a breath, then looked over at him. "Then I won't have to spend as much time getting ready when we go out," he joked.
Aaron breathed a laugh, then smiled faintly at Dave. "I've never shaved a head before, but it can't be too terribly difficult."
Dave widened his eyes. "You think I'm going to let you come at my head with a razor after you've said that? Hell no."
Aaron laughed again, this time a little louder. It made Dave smile; Aaron hadn't been laughing enough lately.
"All right, fine," Aaron said. "Do it yourself."
"Mm." Dave thought for a moment. He wasn't all that keen on the idea of taking a razor to his own head, either. "I seem to recall this tall, bald black guy back at the office. Maybe he could do it."
"Probably," Aaron said. He tilted his head at Dave. "Honestly, though, I can learn, if you'd prefer it."
Dave studied Aaron for a moment and then smiled, leaning down to kiss him. "You already do enough," he said. "And anyway, Spencer says Morgan's been wanting to help out, so this'll give him something to do. We don't have any walls that need tearing down."
"Okay," Aaron murmured, pulling Dave in for another kiss before letting Dave sit. "I can call him after breakfast. What do you feel like?"
"Think I'll just have a bowl of cereal," Dave said. "You know, I'm feeling a hell of a lot better than I was the first week. Not that I don't appreciate you wanting to help out, but I can get my own breakfast." Aaron was looking more exhausted than Dave liked to see, and he couldn't help feeling guilty that some of it must be the burden Dave's illness created for him.
Aaron shrugged. "I like to help," he said. Then his lips twisted. "But if you'd rather me not..."
Dave held in a sigh. He'd hurt Aaron's feelings, even though he hadn't meant to. He sat down and cupped a hand against Aaron's cheek. "I know you want to help. But I don't want you to wear yourself out." He gave Aaron a faint smile. "I don't get much chance to help you these days."
"I know," Aaron said. He turned his face to kiss Dave's palm. "I... don't know where the line is, Dave. I don't want to be overbearing, but I do want to help whenever you need me to."
Dave's smile strengthened. "You're never overbearing," he said, and leaned across the table for a kiss. "I do appreciate how much you want to help me." He stroked his thumb against Aaron's cheekbone. "God, I'm such a lucky man to have you."
Aaron smiled. "Are you going to stop saying that anytime soon?" he teased.
"Never," Dave replied, grinning back at him. "I'm too smart to take you for granted."
"Shh," Aaron whispered. He kissed Dave again, and stood. "I'm going to take a shower. If you want to make us breakfast, you can." He kissed the top of Dave's head and started out of the kitchen.
Dave laughed and let him go, then decided bacon-cheese omelets and toast with jelly would be a good breakfast. He had everything ready by the time Aaron got back from his shower, his short hair still damp. As soon as Aaron sat down, Dave went around behind him and kissed the back of his neck. He could never resist Aaron straight from the shower.
"Mmm," Aaron hummed, dropping his head forward a little to let Dave have more room to press his lips to the slightly damp skin.
"D'I ever think to mention the fact that you're kinda sexy?" Dave murmured, rubbing his chin against Aaron's skin. "'Cause you are."
"You're said it once or twice," Aaron said. "You're not so bad yourself."
Dave nipped gently. "Have some breakfast," he said, and kissed the spot behind Aaron's ear, then pulled away. He ran his fingers down the side of Aaron's neck, then turned and got himself some food.
"You can't do that and expect me to still be interested in eating," Aaron said, but his voice was teasing as he picked up his fork. "Thank you."
"You're thanking me for kisses?" Dave teased. "Do I get a tip if I do blow jobs?" He nudged Aaron's foot with his own and started on his breakfast.
"If I say no, do I automatically not get one?" Aaron asked, grinning. "Thank you for breakfast," he corrected.
"Oh, you're quite welcome for breakfast," Dave said. "As for the blow jobs, we'll see about that, if you behave yourself." Actually he was more interested in calling Derek and seeing if he would be willing to help out. The longer Dave waited, the more he was afraid he might chicken out.
"When do I not behave myself?" Aaron said. He slid his foot against Dave's, but turned his attention back to his food.
"Good question. There must have been one time," Dave said, and spent the rest of the meal trying to think of one.
After breakfast Aaron went to call Derek while Dave put the dishes in the machine. He didn't mind asking Derek for help, as long as Aaron was the one doing the actual asking. It was strange, but all his life Dave had had trouble asking for help...except from Aaron. Even the day he'd realized he was really part of the team after returning to the BAU, just because they'd followed him to Indianapolis thinking he might need help...even then Dave had tried to deny he couldn't go it alone.
He'd been wrong, but he'd had always had a hard time admitting that, too.
When Aaron got off the phone, Dave dragged him off to the bedroom for the promised misbehaving, then took a shower while Aaron paid some bills. When he got out of the shower, Derek was there, along with Penelope.
Penelope smiled at him. "We are here, my fine young sir, to turn you into a five foot ten... eleven?" She waved her hand, dismissing it. "A giant phallus. Are y--?"
Morgan draped his arm over her shoulder and casually covered her mouth. "What my baby girl is tryin' to say is, where are we doing this? Bathroom? Garage?"
Penelope pulled his hand away, giving him a playful glare. "No 'hi, how are you'? You so suck at foreplay."
Dave groaned and shook his head, but he couldn't help feeling a little better now that Penelope was here. She brought warmth to just about any situation. It had taken Dave some time to get used to her, but even if he might not admit it, he adored her.
"I'm good, thanks, and you?" he said, smiling at her.
She grinned and pulled out of Morgan's arms to go give Dave a hug. "Brilliant. I get to spend the afternoon with three of my favorite pups."
"Pups?" Dave repeated, and shook his head again. But he kissed her cheek and grinned at Derek. "I'm just glad you're here to keep Derek in line."
"Man, I resent that," Derek said, but he was chuckling. He held out a hand and gripped Dave's. "How you doing, Dave? Thanks for taking care of that consult on the Chicago case."
"No problem," Dave said. "I'm not doing too bad, except that I'm getting tired of shedding worse than the cat."
Penelope hadn't moved away, and she reached up to touch Dave hair. "I admit, I'll miss the silver. It was sort of sexy."
Aaron cleared his throat loudly across the room, and Garcia just started laughing.
Dave grinned. "Aaron thinks so too, he just can't admit it." He waggled his eyebrows at Aaron.
"I don't know. That throat clearing sounded pretty territorial to me," Garcia said, and Aaron's lips curled.
"Maybe a little territorial," Dave admitted. He shook his head. "Come on, let's get this over with. Clearly the bald look works for Derek, so maybe it'll do me some favors too." He winked at Aaron.
Aaron hummed thoughtfully. "Well," he said, "Nothing could make you less attractive to me, so you never know."
Dave felt a big stupid grin spread across his face. Aaron didn't normally say things like that in front of the team, and Aaron's cheeks were just barely pink, but he'd still said it.
Penelope made a cooing noise that didn't really help matters, but Derek just slapped Dave gently on the shoulder. "All right, man. Lead the way."
When Dave and Derek got to the master bathroom, which was bigger, Dave realized Penelope and Aaron had followed too. Penelope had whipped out a digital camera and Dave eyed it suspiciously.
"What the hell is that for?" he demanded.
"You'll want these pictures later," she promised. "And I won't use them for any nefarious purposes."
He growled at her but didn't bother arguing any more. He'd learned over the years that arguing with Penelope was like arguing with a mountain. Except sometimes the mountain gave a little.
Aaron just sat on the edge of the tub and watched, but he seemed content enough with the way Penelope and Morgan were taking care of Dave. He didn't seem the least bit bothered by what they were doing either, and that made Dave feel a little more relaxed.
Morgan started to explain the process, which seemed simple enough--buzz off the length, get head wet, lather with shaving cream, shave--and pretty soon, the clippers were buzzing and Garcia was clicking away with the camera.
After a while Dave closed his eyes, complaining that he had shaving cream in his eye, even though he figured they would know it was an excuse. He didn't really think he was all that vain, but he had a feeling it was going to be a big adjustment. Despite his nerves, he found himself relaxing under Derek's calm, sure touches.
Finally he felt Derek brush a hand over his head. "Okay, man. Now you just need some lotion, and you're good to go. But you're definitely gonna need to put sunscreen on a lot, or wear hats. Do you even own any hats?"
Dave opened his eyes and peered at him. "I may have a Cubs hat somewhere."
"Buried... somewhere," Aaron said.
Morgan went for the lotion, but Garcia snatched it away. "I want to do it. It's good luck." She grinned at Dave in the mirror. "And I doubt I'll ever get to rub Dave's head again."
"Watch it," Aaron said, and Garcia laughed, but Dave was just staring at his reflection after he'd met Garcia's gaze.
He'd been right. It was strange. But he kind of liked it. "I look like my Uncle Jack," he said, and noticed how raising his eyebrows made the whole front of his head wrinkle up. God, that was weird. He glanced over at Aaron, feeling almost nervous.
Aaron's gaze was affectionate, though. "You kind of do," he agreed, smiling faintly.
Dave smiled back at him, relieved at his reaction. Penelope chose that moment to squirt some lotion directly onto his head, and Dave tensed, biting out a "Shit!" at the sudden cold against his scalp.
She beamed at him and started smoothing it over his head. "I ought to make a wish."
Morgan and Aaron both started laughing, but Dave just grunted at her as she closed her eyes and rubbed more dramatically, making her wish. Then she pulled back and patted his head gently. "You are moist, my friend."
"Only you could make that sound so dirty," Dave replied, but he grinned at her, then turned it on Derek. "Thanks."
Derek's smile was warm and instant. "I'm glad I could help, Dave. You know I'd do anything I could for you."
Dave laughed. "I'd tell you you could clean the bathroom, but I have a feeling you'd draw the line there."
"Get me a broom, man," Derek said, holding his hands out, but Dave just laughed again.
"Don't laugh," Penelope said. "Either tell us where it is, or I'll go looking." She nudged Aaron away from the tub, and he stood. "You two go sit in the living room and make kissy faces at each other or something, and me and Morgan will clean up."
"Kissy faces," Dave repeated, but Penelope pushed him gently out the door. He heard Aaron tell Derek where to find the broom, and then they'd been shut out of their own bathroom. Dave raised an eyebrow at Aaron. "Kissy faces," he said again.
Aaron laughed, then leaned in to kiss Dave.
"Mm." Dave slid an arm around Aaron's waist and teased Aaron's lower lip with his tongue. He could deal with kissy faces.
Aaron made a pleased noise and squeezed Dave a little, then pulled back and led them down the hallway. He pulled Dave down on the couch when they got to it and murmured, "I figure she probably doesn't want to hear it, even if she asked for it." His hand brushed Dave's cheek, then back up over his temple and the side of his head.
"You may not want to know the real answer to that," Dave grumbled, but then he pulled back a little. "Is it...okay?"
Aaron nodded, looking at Dave's scalp. "Yeah. It's just strange." Dave shivered slightly went Aaron ran his hand over the back of Dave's head, unused to the touch against bare skin there.
"I felt weird, leaving bits of me all over," Dave said. "Anyway, it's bad enough when it's Fuzzy." He didn't know how many times he'd threatened to shave the cat for shedding all over.
"Don't get ideas. I'm keeping the cat away from Morgan," Aaron said. He cupped Dave's cheek and kissed him slowly.
Dave hummed into the kiss and leaned into Aaron, liking that his being suddenly bald at least didn't seem a deterrent to Aaron. He recognized the bizarre aspect of a guy with recurrent brain cancer saying it, but Dave couldn't keep from reflecting again that he really had been blessed. He had the perfect lover and partner for him, and he had wonderful friends and family. He slid his fingers into Aaron's hair and let his eyes slide closed.
Aaron deepened the kiss, his desire evident, and Dave had to tell his body not to respond. God, Aaron was wonderful. Aaron's arms slid around Dave's shoulders as they kissed, his fingers stroking the back of Dave's neck.
When they pulled back, they were both breathless and smiling. "I love you," Dave whispered. "You've made this all bearable." He lifted a hand to stroke Aaron's cheek, then leaned in for a soft kiss. That was when a flash of light caught his eye. He pulled back and saw Penelope, looking a little shamefaced but defiant, and gripping her camera.
"Garcia," Aaron said, his tone reproachful.
"What?" she said innocently. "Oh, come on, I bet you two don't have any snuggly pictures of you anywhere, and besides, I've already taken it. What are you going to do, fire me?"
Dave snorted. She had a point; they didn't have any snuggly pictures of them. "He'll only fire you if you make that at all public," he informed her, and nudged Aaron. "Right?"
Aaron sighed and rubbed his forehead. "I can't fire you anyway. I'm convinced Morgan or JJ would shoot me."
Penelope pouted at them. "You ought to know I would never use these pictures for evil purposes. I'm hurt."
"Right," Dave said dryly.
Penelope just made a little noise and shrugged, putting on her innocent face. "Okay, what do Broody and Baldy want for lunch? Sneaky will make it happen while Studly finishes in the bathroom."
Dave burst out laughing and shook his head. "I hope she never realizes her talent is wasted on us," he told Aaron. "Make something interesting," he said, turning his gaze on Penelope. "You can have the run of the pantry."
Even Aaron was grinning now, and Penelope beamed at them. "Oh, honey, I'm always interesting." She disappeared into the kitchen, and Dave settled back against Aaron again. Aaron slid his arm around Dave and murmured, "What did we do to deserve her?" he asked, but Dave could tell it was a compliment.
"Just got lucky," Dave said. He leaned his head against Aaron's shoulder. "This is a good family."
Morgan came out a few minutes later and got drinks for everyone, then sat in the living room with Dave and Aaron when Penelope threw him out of the kitchen. He and Dave had a good-natured argument about the Cubs versus the White Sox, but finally agreed they'd cheer for different baseball teams and both cheer for the Bears. It was a long-standing disagreement that they had to revisit every baseball season.
Garcia came back in about 30 minutes later, after they'd all started smelling something wonderful from the kitchen, with some sort of chicken sandwiches that were topped with a spicy-sweet fruit concoction she must have made with the frozen mango in the fridge. Dave would have never thought of it, but they wound up being delicious.
After they finished eating, she pulled her yarn and knitting needles out of her bag and practiced her Italian with Dave and Aaron (who had been learning it along with her for years, since Mama Rosa often forgot herself and spoke in Italian). Morgan did the dishes and then came back and teased Fuzzy with a piece of yarn until the cat got bored and climbed on Dave's lap for petting.
It wasn't long before Garcia held up her knitting with a "Ta-da!" and cut the yarn. She worked for a minute, then held the lump of cloth out to Dave. "It matches your afghan!" she announced.
Dave took it and turned it in his hands, inspecting it. "Thanks. Um...what is it?"
She laughed. "A fashion accessory, Baldy!"
"A..." Dave looked at it for a moment, then realized what she meant. It was a cap. He gave her a look. "If you'd given this to me first, I wouldn't have had to shave," he said, then grinned and put it on.
"Oh, that is so you, Dave," Derek said, grinning at him. "Careful, Hotch, you're gonna have to beat the girls away with a broom or something."
"Garcia, can you make him a matching sweater?" Aaron teased.
"If you want him to look more gay than he is, I sure can," she said. "I could probably do pants to, but you'd have to measure the inseam for me."
"Hey," Dave protested, glaring at Aaron. "I think it's nice, Penelope. Thank you." It was sort of silly-looking, but he appreciated the sentiment, and he knew he'd probably appreciate having something to keep his head warm until he got used to being bald.
"You're welcome, poppet," she said. "I might make a blue one next. You look good in blue. Just don't machine wash it, or it'll felt."
"I don't know what that means, but I'll hand wash it just in case," Dave agreed.
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