The Last Best Days, Hotch/Rossi, NC-17 (2/21)

[innerslytherin]

Title: The Last Best Days
Author: innerslytherin and severity_softly
Artist: tli
Pairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 147,800
Summary: Futurefic--Shortly before Dave turns sixty, he is diagnosed with a grade III brain tumor. He and Aaron have to come to terms with what this means for their relationship. Eventually the team has to help Aaron say goodbye.
Notes: Heavy angst. Lots of medical detail. Character death. This fic would not exist without the extensive help, support, encouragement, and hand-holding from resolucidity, who served as our medical consultant throughout.

Master post


Chapter Two

Aaron spent the next three days working while Dave relaxed at home. Aaron would get home in the evening and find the yard mowed, or dinner in the oven, and Dave would be sitting in his easy chair with a book in his lap. On the third evening, Aaron got home and found Dave in his recliner, reading glasses perched on his nose, sound asleep. It was sort of adorable, and Aaron couldn't bear to wake him, so he put a dish of lasagna in the oven and spent some time reading the newspaper.

He was surprised when his cell phone rang and the caller ID told him it was Haley. He hadn't been expecting to hear from her so soon after their visit. She sounded uneasy as they traded greetings.

"Is everything okay? Jack's all right?"

"Yes," she said hesitantly. "He told me something yesterday...it was strange, and I thought maybe you ought to hear it."

Aaron sat up, suddenly more alert and wondered if Dave would be up to to going back to work if there was something wrong with Jack. "What?"

"It's...don't be angry, Aaron. Jack only told me because he thought it was...well, 'weird' was the word he used."

Aaron frowned deeply. "Haley, just tell me."

She sighed. "When Jack and Dave were coming back from the pizza place, he said Dave got lost." She hesitated. "Jack had to remind him how to get back to the house. Jack thought it was strange, since we've lived here since we left Virginia, and I agreed." She sighed again. "I thought maybe you should know."

Aaron's sat there for a moment, his stomach suddenly churning. Dave hadn't really been upset about Jack. Aaron should have known that; Dave hadn't seemed overly concerned about the way Jack was acting lately. Aaron pinched the bridge of his nose, worry--and anger that Dave hadn't told him--welling up inside him.

"Aaron," Haley said after he didn't respond.

"Yeah." Even to his own ears, his voice sounded tired suddenly.

"Aaron, I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry if this is none of my business, but... Jack was concerned, and he's a smart kid, but he doesn't usually pick up things like this. I just thought it was important for me to tell you."

"Thank you. I'm... I'm not upset," he said. It was a lie. He drew a deep breath, trying to be as calm as he would like to seem. "He didn't tell me."

"Is everything okay, Aaron? I know Dave and I had our differences in the past, but Jack really does love him, and I know he makes you happy. Nothing's wrong between you, is it?"

"No," Aaron said. He sighed, then slumped a little and dropped his head in his hands. He and Haley had come a long way since their divorce. Their relationship had imploded, fallen apart spectacularly, but they hadn't stopped caring about each other, even if they weren't in love anymore. And now they were both happier apart, and better parents for it, and once they'd had time to heal, they had even managed to rebuild a friendship.

Aaron was silent so long he thought Haley was about to speak again when he said, "This isn't the first time. He's... We took the vacation because I thought it was just stress."

"Oh, Aaron," she said. She didn't say anything else for a long time. "Maybe it is just stress. Maybe...could you suggest he see someone? A counselor or something?"

Aaron's lips twisted into a sad smile. "Right," he said. "You suggest that. I'd rather not get shot."

"Well, he can't just ignore it. Aaron, Jack was worried about him. You know how self-absorbed children are. That ought to tell him something." She sighed. "Do you think it would do any good if I said something to Dave? You know, passing along what Jack told me?"

Aaron shook his head. "I'll tell him," he said and sat back. How he was going to tell Dave was another question. He half wanted to go in the other room and shake Dave awake. "Thank you."

"I'm sorry, Aaron," she said quietly. "I wish I didn't have to tell you. But I thought it was best. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help, okay?"

"I will," Aaron said. "Is Jack okay? He wasn't scared, was he?"

"He wasn't scared, I don't think. I just said that it had been a long time since Dave was here, and maybe he just got turned around." She sighed. "I didn't think it was lying, since I had no idea what was going on. I'll tell him you say hi."

"Tell him I love him," Aaron said. "And don't say anything about this to him until I know what's happening, okay?"

"Sure," Haley said. "Let me know, okay?"

"Okay," Aaron said. "Thanks." He said his goodbyes, and then slumped back in his seat, frowning at nothing in particular across the room. He scrubbed a hand over his face, not sure if he felt more like yelling or crying--not because it was serious, but because Dave hadn't told him. Dave was still hiding all of this.

Aaron pressed his lips together and stood, then drew a deep breath and walked out into the living room. "Hey, Dave," he said, loudly enough to cause Dave to suck in a sharp breath and groan. Aaron settled on the couch, his back tight, and frowned at the floor.

Dave stretched and smiled at him. "Hey, lover. I'm glad you're home. Must have gotten bored reading and fallen asleep." Then apparently the frown registered. "What's wrong, Aaron?"

"I just got a call from Haley," Aaron said, then before Dave could even get to worrying that something might be wrong with Jack, he added, "You didn't tell me you got lost taking Jack home from the restaurant."

Dave sighed. "I didn't get lost. I got disoriented. There's a difference." He rubbed his hand over his face, his fingers pressing over his eyes for a moment. "Jack got me turned around again, and it was fine."

"You've never gotten lost in that area," Aaron said, turning to look at Dave, his expression serious.

Dave scowled back at him, but he didn't argue. He rubbed his hand over his forehead again and massaged the bridge of his nose. "Something's wrong, huh?" It was more of a statement than a question.

"Yes, there's something wrong," Aaron answered anyway. "Dave, Jack was worried. Spencer is worried. And so am I. And you weren't under stress while we were on vacation."

"You know, it's probably nothing." Dave sounded more resigned than anything. "I'm getting old. Hell, I'll be sixty next year. Maybe I just need to start eating more brain food."

"Sixty isn't old Dave, and... age doesn't hit you all at once like this." Aaron drew a deep breath. "I... think you should talk to someone."

Dave's scowl had been fading, but it returned full-force at that. "Talk to someone? What the hell, Aaron? You think I'm going crazy?"

"I didn't say that," Aaron said, and rubbed his forehead.

"What are you saying, then?" Dave demanded. He dropped the footrest of the recliner and got up, all but stomping over to the drinks cabinet to pour himself a scotch. Double, Aaron noted with disapproval. Drinking certainly wasn't going to help this situation.

"I'm saying that something is wrong, and I'm not a doctor," he said firmly, staring at Dave's back.

"So you want me to see a doctor and tell him I'm forgetting stuff," Dave said. "A shrink, or a real doctor?"

Aaron sighed. "Either one," he said, and hoped that wherever Dave went, they would be able to refer him to the other if the problem couldn't be resolved.

"This is stupid," Dave grumbled. "I'm fine. You're just trying to get me to slow down." To Aaron it sounded like a half-hearted complaint. "I suppose you're gonna insist on this."

"Yes," Aaron said, his voice firm but quiet. "Don't be mad at me. I'm just concerned."

Dave took a long drink and didn't look at Aaron, but finally he turned. "I'm not mad," he said after a while. There was a defeated note to his voice that Aaron didn't like.

"Come here," Aaron suggested, hoping Dave would give in.

Dave looked at him for a moment, then moved closer. He looked deeply unhappy. Aaron sighed and held out his hand.

"Aaron." Dave just watched him for a moment, then sighed and moved closer, sliding his hand into Aaron's and letting him pull him down next to him. Dave sat inside the circle of Aaron's arm, but didn't actually lean against him. He felt incredibly tense.

Aaron wasn't exactly sure what to do then, and sat there a few heartbeats before taking Dave's glass and taking a sip of Dave's drink. He wished he could take comfort in the familiar scowl it earned him, but instead he just handed the glass back and stroked Dave's hair.

Finally Dave sighed and leaned against Aaron, resting his head against Aaron's shoulder. He didn't say anything, but Aaron thought that might be a good thing. Aaron didn't know what to say any more than Dave did. For a while they sat in silence together, Dave sipping his drink and huffing sighs every time Aaron stole the glass for a sip of his own.

It was a long time later when Dave murmured, "I don't want to do this."

"I know," Aaron said, and turned his head to kiss Dave's hair. Somehow hearing Dave say that made it worse. If Dave was certain nothing was wrong, he'd just be grumbling about getting it over with to make Aaron happy.

"You piss me off," Dave said after another little silence.

"I adore you," Aaron said, smiling faintly.

Dave made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a growl and kissed Aaron's throat. "I suppose I'm lucky," he muttered.

"You are," Aaron said, letting his fingers stroke down Dave's arm.

"This can't be anything good, Aaron." Dave's voice was uncharacteristically small.

Aaron's chest ached. "We don't know what it is. It might be nothing," he said.

"Can you think of anything?" Dave said. He turned his head and pressed his face to Aaron's neck.

Aaron pulled Dave closer, his fingers threading back into Dave's hair as his other hand stroked Dave's back. He wasn't about to mention what Reid had suggested. He kissed the top of Dave's head. "It's going to be fine."

"Fine," Dave murmured. His breath was warm against Aaron's neck. "The headaches started months ago," he admitted. "I didn't think anything of it until I started...just...forgetting shit."

"God, Dave, you should have said something," Aaron said, but his voice was gentle. He was too relieved that Dave agreed to ruin it by getting angry. "There are some things it's not worth being stubborn about."

Dave sighed. "Thought the headaches were just stress. Working too hard, maybe. I started trying to go to bed earlier, drink a little less coffee, that's all. The forgetting shit..." He shifted one arm in a shrug. "I didn't realize that was going on until Georgie yelled at me for missing Gena's birthday, said I was remiss as a godfather. Didn't realize it was a pattern until I'd forgotten important stuff a few times."

Aaron sucked in a breath. "You didn't tell me you forgot her birthday."

"Hell, I was embarrassed. And like I said, I thought it was a one-off. It was just after the case in Albany, so I thought I was just a little stressed." Dave sighed. "Anyway, that was why I bought that damn netbook thing that Garcia recommended; she said it was a good gift for a college kid, and I thought something a little bigger than what I usually give. You know, to sort of make up for forgetting in the first place." Dave shifted against Aaron but didn't pull away. "Except after that I started realizing I was forgetting other things."

Aaron pulled Dave closer. "I love you," he murmured. "I've been worried and I can't stop telling you. And whatever this is, we'll be fine, I promise."

Dave's fingers crept up under Aaron's shirt. "Yeah. We'll be fine," he repeated. He was silent for a minute, then said, his voice very low, "I need you, Aaron. Thank you for being here."

"I don't want to be anywhere else," Aaron murmured, and kissed Dave's hair again.


***


Aaron had tried to take the day off to go with Dave to the doctor. Dave had waved him away, saying he didn't need any hand-holding for something that was going to end up with the doctor telling him to take more vitamins. Aaron knew it was just bravado that made Dave say things like that, but he couldn't help praying desperately that it was the truth. Maybe it was just a diet deficiency of some kind, a reaction to eating too much steak and pasta over the past fifty-nine years.

The truth was, he knew it was more than that. If nothing else, the nagging queasiness in his stomach told him. As the morning drew on and he didn't hear from Dave, the queasiness got worse. He tried calling Dave's cell, but it went straight to voicemail. That was okay; you had to turn your cell off in a doctor's office. Maybe Dave had just forgotten to turn it back on. He'd done that even before he started forgetting things, thanks to his general distrust of technology. But when Aaron tried the house phone and didn't get an answer, a shudder of worry went up his spine.

Around three in the afternoon, the team was gathered in the roundtable room going over a potential case, when Aaron's cell phone rang. When he saw it was from Dave, he immediately left the room and answered it.

"What's going on?" he asked quietly. "I've been trying to call you all day."

"I hadn't guessed that from the number of voice mails," Dave said, his voice dry. "Nothing's going on. I had to wait almost an hour to even get in an exam room, since Joe basically rearranged his schedule to get me in today. Then he thought maybe we should do some routine tests, so he sent me over to the hospital for CT scans and an MRI. I'm waiting on the MRI right now, got about another half hour before my appointment there."

Aaron frowned. "CT scans and an MRI?" he repeated. He dropped into his chair in his office and rubbed a hand over his face. It was fine. It wasn't anything to worry about, he told himself. "Does he have any ideas what it might be?" he asked.

"He said there were a lot of variables and he wanted to rule some things out. He threw a whole list of things at me that it could be." Dave laughed shortly. "The good news is, he doesn't think I have Alzheimer's."

Aaron smiled faintly. "Well, that's good," he said, wondering if Dave just didn't want to tell him what was on the 'whole list of things'.

Dave grunted. "Yeah, well, some of the other things on the list of what it could be are equally shitty. He told me not to stress out about it until we had more information, though. Easy for him to say, huh?"

Aaron wished he was with Dave. He wanted to hold his hand and help him relax, even if he knew he was far from relaxed himself. "Whatever it is, we'll get through it. Surely not everything he said was horrible."

"Yeah, could be stress or depression." Dave snorted. "Let's hope for one of those, huh. Look, I oughta go. I need to turn my phone off while I'm in there." There was a pause. "I love you."

"I love you too. More than anything," Aaron said. "Call me as soon as you know something."

"Yeah."

After they hung up, Aaron found it difficult to get his mind back on his work. He did his best, but he was grateful the team didn't get called out for a case, because he would have been a wreck. He heard from Dave late in the afternoon, but Dave just said he had appointments the next day to find out the results. He made Aaron promise to leave work at a decent hour, so shortly after six, Aaron was on his way home.

When he got there, he found dinner nearly ready, and the meal told him a lot about Dave's state of mind. He had made grilled antipasto with mezzo soprano sauce, chicken saltimbocca, and polenta. A salad bowl already sat on the dining room table, which also had candles and glasses already poured of Chianti.

Aaron sighed, trying not to worry more, then went and found Dave where he was putting on some music in the living room. He wrapped his arms around Dave and kissed the back of his neck. "You didn't tell me Mama Rosa was coming over. I would have got flowers on the way home."

"Mmm, I would have taken flowers," Dave joked, "but sorry, that's all me. It's just her recipes." He reached back to thread his fingers in Aaron's hair. "I thought we could have a nice dinner."

"Mmm," Aaron hummed, and kissed the side of Dave's neck, then his jaw and ear. "It smells wonderful. Thank you."

Dave turned and wrapped his arms around Aaron, pulling him close. He was silent for a while, then finally said, "Come on, let's go have dinner."

The meal was as wonderful as Aaron had expected; he was never sorry that Dave had learned how to cook from his mother when he was younger, even if they were usually tired enough that it didn't get this extravagant. Dave was quiet, though, and that coupled with his obvious desire for comfort food didn't help Aaron's unease about the tests and what the doctor might have said.

When they finished, Aaron helped Dave clean up, then they took their wine into the living room and settled on the couch. Aaron wrapped his arms around Dave and pulled him close, but he didn't say anything as Dave absently flipped on the TV. He wasn't sure Dave wanted to talk, and Aaron was fine either way, as long as they were close.

For a long while Dave just stared at the TV, leaning in Aaron's embrace and sipping his wine. Finally, in the middle of an action sequence, he said, "Long day. I'm pretty tired."

"Yeah?" Aaron murmured, stroking his fingers over Dave's arm. "Want to go to bed?" It was still a little early, but Aaron wasn't going to point that out.

"Nah, this is nice." Dave took a deep breath. "Another long day tomorrow, though, probably." He grunted and shifted to press his face against Aaron's neck. "Doc Franji said he'd rush the test results."

Aaron sucked in a slow breath, wondering if he should even try to offer to go or not. He stroked his fingers through Dave's hair. "What time is your appointment?"

Dave's shoulder moved against Aaron in a shrug. "Eleven. Probably end up waiting a long time again tomorrow. He moved a lot of stuff around to fit me in." He cleared his throat, and Aaron could tell he was uneasy about the fact that the doctor was taking this so seriously.

He nodded and kissed Dave's hair. "You know, I know today you said you didn't want me, but I can come with you."

He felt Dave relax slightly. "You're probably pretty busy at work," he hedged, but it wasn't the outright brush-off Aaron had got the night before about the initial appointment.

"We are, but I can get Constant to look after things, step in if we have a case." Constant was the SAC of one of the other BAU teams, and while he and Aaron didn't see eye to eye most of the time, he did his job well.

Dave sighed. "You don't mind?"

The fact that Dave wasn't protesting, but actually seemed like he wanted Aaron to come, was enough to convince Aaron that Dave was scared. Aaron had to force himself not to let that scare him too. "I don't mind," he murmured.

Dave was quiet for a while, then said, "I don't want to inconvenience you...but if you don't mind..." It was probably as close as he could get to outright asking Aaron for help.

"Shh," Aaron murmured, and tilted Dave's chin up to kiss him. "I want to come."

He felt Dave relax entirely into the kiss, and then strong arms wrapped themselves around Aaron, pulling him closer. "I love you," Dave mumbled against Aaron's lips, then kissed him again.

"It's going to be okay," Aaron said. He was starting to wonder if Dave needed more convincing than he did, which was saying quite a lot. Aaron pulled Dave closer and kissed him again.

"Yeah," Dave said. He sighed. "Let's go to bed, huh? I don't feel much like watching TV."


***


Aaron was having trouble thinking. He'd made it through the appointment with Doctor Franji, and he was pretty sure he'd asked questions, but the thing he came out of the appointment remembering most clearly was how tightly Dave had been holding his hand.

They'd come straight home instead of going in to work, which Aaron had considered before the appointment. Dave had gone straight for the scotch. Aaron didn't disapprove, but he'd just dropped into the armchair and stared at the floor, words tumbling through his mind.

Grade III. Neurologist. Frontal Lobe. Intracranial Pressure. Chemotherapy.

He heard the clink of ice swirling in liquid, but until the glass appeared in front of him, he didn't react.

"Aaron." Dave's voice was husky. Aaron didn't think he could look at him.

He sucked in a quick breath and lifted his gaze just enough to reach for the glass, hoping his hand wasn't shaking. "Yeah?" he murmured, then shook himself mentally. He needed to be here for Dave, not fall apart. He looked up at Dave and held out a hand in invitation to join him.

Dave took his hand and sat on the arm of the chair. "I keep thinking I oughta say something," he said finally. He took a long sip of scotch and didn't say anything else.

"Me too," Aaron admitted, then gave a little tug to get Dave into his lap, where he wrapped his arms around him. "I love you."

He heard Dave swallow. "Love you too." They were in shock. Intellectually Aaron knew that, but it just felt wrong. Dave took another long sip. "God."

Aaron nodded his agreement mutely, then took a drink of his own scotch, resting the glass on Dave's knee. For a while they just sat there silently. Aaron was a little afraid to talk, afraid one of them might break down... and if it was Dave, Aaron would have been okay with that, but he didn't want to break down in front of Dave right now. He kissed Dave's shoulder and sat back, pulling Dave against him, though Dave was stiff.

After a while, Dave let out a short, sharp laugh. "You know, all I can think about is that my damn hair's gonna fall out. If that isn't the stupidest damn thing."

Aaron let out a breathless laugh. "Not everyone who has chemo loses their hair," he said, then accused, "Vain," with a little squeeze to make sure Dave knew he was kidding.

Dave snorted. "This is shit. I ought to be thinking about appointments and treatment and how we're gonna do this, and all I can think of is, I'm going to lose my hair." He leaned his cheek against Aaron's head, breathing deeply. "And how fucking unfair it is that I've only had six years with you."

"Don't say that," Aaron said, closing his eyes against the sudden surge of emotion that threatened to overwhelm the numbness. "You're more stubborn than whatever's in your head." He took another long drink of his scotch.

"God, we have to tell people. How do we tell the team? What do we tell Jack?" Dave rubbed a hand over his face. "This is one monster that scares grownups too? Did we feed Fuzzy?"

Aaron pulled Dave closer. "Yes, we did. And we tell Jack the truth." He thought Haley should probably be there too, but he kept that to himself. "Dave, we can figure this all out tomorrow." He lifted his hand and stroked Dave's hair. They had a long road ahead, and Aaron thought maybe leaving those worries for later and letting themselves cope together tonight might be the best option.

"I know we tell him the truth, I just..." Dave trailed off. "I can't think. My thoughts are just going around and around like a fucking carousel." He grunted a laugh. "We used to go to Riverview Park in Chicago when I was little. There was this merry-go-round there, one of the horses had armor on it...my favorite horse. I think the merry-go-round ended up somewhere in Georgia when Riverview closed." He drained his glass and set it aside, then buried his face in his hands. "I'm sorry, Aaron."

"There's nothing to be sorry about," Aaron said. He finished his drink and gestured at Dave's empty glass. "Another?" It probably wasn't the best thing to get drunk, but if there was ever a time for it, this was it. He should probably call Constant and see if he'd mind another day covering for him. The team was going to worry, but they would be fine, and Strauss knew Aaron wouldn't be taking personal days if it wasn't important.

"God, yes," Dave said, his voice rough. "Let's move to the couch." He got up and took their glasses over to refill them, not giving Aaron the chance to do it. It was like he had to prove he was still strong, and it sort of broke Aaron's heart. Dave ought to be able to lean on him, now of all times.

Aaron held in a sigh and moved to the couch. When Dave brought the glasses back, he gave Aaron a soft kiss and then sat down, leaning against him.

He wrapped an arm around Dave and kissed his cheek, then shifted to get his phone from his pocket. "I need to call Constant, see if he's on for tomorrow as well," he said, then took a long sip of his drink before scrolling through his speed dial.

"God," Dave muttered. "Bad enough this is going to fuck up my life, now it's going to fuck up your life and Constant's life, and just about anyone else connected to the BAU."

Aaron frowned and stopped scrolling, then turned to frown at Dave. "Do you want me to go in?" he asked, a slight edge creeping into his voice.

Dave was silent for a moment. "That's not what I meant," he said finally.

Aaron watched him for a moment, his frown fading, then lifted his phone again and dialed Constant. He managed to talk around the issue, not really explaining what was happening to his colleague, but making it understood that it was important, then hung up.

Dave had been drinking his entire glass of scotch while Aaron was on the phone. When he was finished, he set the glass aside and stretched out on the sofa, putting his head in Aaron's lap. "My own brain is killing me," he said thoughtfully. His lips twisted and then he put his hand over his face and stopped talking.

Aaron felt his jaw tighten. "First of all, it's not your brain," he said. "Second of all, stop talking to me like you're dying. You're not dying."

"Oh, for God's sake, let's be realistic, Aaron," Dave said, but he sounded more tired than angry. "How many people survive having a fucking brain tumor?"

"Shut up," Aaron told him, but he wasn't angry either. He wasn't actually sure what he was.

Dave made a noise and turned his head to press his face against Aaron's stomach. "This isn't right. Doc Franji made a mistake. It's...there's something else." His fingers curled into Aaron's shirt. "I don't feel like I have a fucking brain tumor."

Aaron huffed an unhappy laugh. "You've been acting like it."

"What the hell does that mean? There's some other explanation. That second opinion guy will tell us tomorrow. Hell, I don't even have a headache."

Aaron shook his head, and rolled his eyes to stare at the ceiling. Arguing that Dave didn't have a tumor wasn't going to make either of them feel better. "Right, and a few seconds ago you were telling me you're dying."

"I just can't make you happy, can I?" Dave griped. "First you complain at me because I say I'm dying, then you complain because I say I'm not. Maybe you should make up your mind."

"I'm not saying anything contradictory, Dave. You're not dying, but you do have a tumor." Aaron huffed a heavy sigh, wishing they weren't bickering, but he couldn't relax.

"I don't want to think about this," Dave said. He rolled off the couch and got up to refill his glass again.

"Neither do I," Aaron grumbled. He tossed the rest of his drink back and watched Dave, wondering if he should follow and refill his own glass.

Dave took a long drink, then wiped his hand down his face. "The team's going to know something's up when you don't come to work tomorrow either," he said finally.

"I'm sure they already know something's up. I don't normally just take off, especially not almost immediately after a vacation, and if Reid noticed the way you were acting, I'm sure he's not the only one."

"I was hoping he was," Dave muttered. "God, I'm going to have to tell Mama about this. It'll fucking kill her."

Aaron sighed and walked over to make himself another drink. "We don't have to tell anyone until you're ready to tell them."

"You know, realistically, we don't know if this is gonna kill me. Aaron, we can't just ignore that it could." Dave took another long sip. "Hell, who knows how much time I might have."

Aaron put his glass down on the drinks cabinet just a little too hard and fixed Dave with a look. "Dave," he snapped, and then shut his eyes and drew a long breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. "We'll think about that when and if it becomes apparent that's the only way this can end, but until then, just leave it. You don't jump straight from a diagnosis to planning your funeral," he said tersely, in spite of his attempt to reign in his emotions.

Dave took a long sip and set his glass down very gently. "Aaron," he said quietly, moving to wrap his arms around him. "Aaron, I'm not giving up. Don't think that, okay?"

Aaron let out a shuddery breath and pressed his face to Dave's neck, and suddenly found himself in an interesting dilemma; if he stayed tense, they were going to keep bickering, if he relaxed, he might break down. "Better not," he muttered. "I'd have to kill you myself." It was sort of a joke, but it didn't seem very funny.

"Best years of my life have been with you," Dave murmured. His fingers were in Aaron's hair, stroking slowly. "If I gave up, I'd be throwing away all the best years we got left." He was silent for a moment, then Aaron felt his chest move in a sigh. "Tell you what, I promise that, no matter how long the doc says I have, I'm still going to act like all we got is years."

"I don't want you to do that for me, Dave; I want you to do that for you," Aaron said, tightening his arms around Dave.

"How about I do that for us, you dope," Dave said. He kissed Aaron's head. "It'll be okay. We'll make it."

Aaron nodded and took a deep breath, feeling a little better. He pulled back and kissed Dave slowly, trying not to think any more about kissing than he normally did, but some tiny part of his mind kept telling him to savor every one from now on.

Dave accepted the kiss and returned it passionately, and Aaron had a feeling he wasn't the only one savoring this. Dave's fingers were in his hair, holding him close. He didn't make any move to take it further than just kissing, the way they'd enjoyed just making out like teenagers when they'd first gotten together. After a while Aaron realized Dave was laughing quietly against his mouth.

Aaron frowned in confusion and pulled back, then tilted his head at Dave. "What's funny?"

"I have no idea," Dave said, still laughing. "This just...shit, I've got a brain tumor and we're making out. That doesn't strike you as funny? I really like making out with you, Aaron. We should do this more often."

Aaron couldn't help the smile that spread slowly across his face, and after a moment he laughed too, with a strange mix of amusement and sadness. "You have all the best ideas," he murmured, and kissed Dave again.

"Guess I'm still thinking straight about some things," Dave said. He nipped at Aaron's lower lip. "Or not straight, as the case may be." He grinned.

Aaron snorted. God, if Dave died he was going to miss his stupid jokes. Aaron forced the thought down and leaned in for another kiss. "We'll just say thinking clearly, then."

"I love you," Dave whispered, brushing his lips along Aaron's jaw. "Forever. Love kissing you. Love making you snort like that when I'm not really funny but you think I am and don't want to admit it." He chuckled in Aaron's ear. "Love how well you know me."

"I love knowing you," Aaron said. He stroked his fingers thought Dave's hair. "I always have, but I get better benefits now."

Dave hummed and kissed Aaron again. "So I'm thinking we ought to pour ourselves more scotch and take it to bed with us. What do you think?" He stroked a hand across Aaron's back, pulling him closer.

"Oh, let's take the bottle," Aaron said, then did just that, pulling Dave toward the bedroom with him.

Comments

[winky3018.livejournal.com]

Barely the 2nd chapter and you guys have me bawling like a baby! *grabs more tissues*

"And how fucking unfair it is that I've only had six years with you." If I hadn't already been crying this line sure would have gotten me started *sniffles*

If I am going to be crying like this for the other 19 chapters I might have to run off to find some fluff in between!

[severity-softly.livejournal.com]

*G* I wouldn't blame you one bit. We were both dying for fluff after writing this for God knows how long.

Glad you're liking it so far!

[innerslytherin]

Aww. *hug* Hopefully the whole fic won't be tears. We tried not to make this unrelenting misery. :)

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

I want to know why they're eating opera singers? "grilled antipasto with mezzo soprano"

It's a good start to a very sad story. I'll be honest, my dad has a blood cancer that has an effect on his brain. I may not make it to the end of this one. But I love your writing, so I'm going to try.

[innerslytherin]

Hmm. Clearly I left out the 'sauce' at the end of that dish. :/

I completely understand if you can't make it. Writing this brought up a lot of old feelings from losing three grandparents this way, and I can't imagine how much harder it is with parents. *hugs* But I'm glad you're giving it a shot, and know we won't be offended if you have to quit.

[severity-softly.livejournal.com]

My grandmaw died of cancer, and my dad nearly did when I was one. He's had reoccurences since then for as long as I've been alive. This fic definitely hit a nerve a few times with me, especially remembering a lot of stuff I'd "forgotten" about my grandmother dying.

I hope you make it through the fic and that you enjoy it, but I would definitely understand if you couldn't. *hugs*

[katewallace.livejournal.com]

Ahhhh! This is wonderful, sad, sexy..all at the same time! The worst is, I'm visiting my son and daughter-in-law and the babies, so I can't read the whole thing right now...tho with the men-folk distracted by football, maybe I can.. but then I'll have to explain why I've been crying off and on for the last 40 minutes or so. Great stuff so far...

[innerslytherin]

Thanks for your comment. It's nice to know not everyone is just looking at the length or subject matter and deciding to skip this one! :) This fic was incredibly hard to write, but also enjoyable in many parts. I hope you continue enjoying it! (If that's the right word for a fic like this...)

[severity-softly.livejournal.com]

I hope you enjoy the rest! Thanks!

[thelana.livejournal.com]

*bawling commence in 3,2,1...*

"Yeah, could be stress or depression." Dave snorted. "Let's hope for one of those

This made me laugh though.

I really love how great and how passionate they are in their fights. Going from leaning on each other, to fighting to leaning again. LOVED it.

That said, I haven't read any further than this, but I wondered if you had seen Ashes and Dust any time recently? The one where Hotch bonds with the green activist guy who has cancer?

[innerslytherin]

It's been a while since I watched Ashes and Dust, but when we were writing this fic, I did rewatch it, and we did take some of that information into account when we wrote the fic. :)

[thelana.livejournal.com]

Oh, awesome. Very much looking forward to it. I'm actually really happy to hear that because I just saw the episode a while ago, so it's pretty fresh on my memory and it's like one of the first things that jumped to my mind, reading this.

*shuts up and goes off to read on*

[severity-softly.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[thelana.livejournal.com]

So, on a scale from 1-10 how much do you hate your writing partner for dragging you into this? I just hope she hasn't traumatized you off the pairing ;)

[severity-softly.livejournal.com]

Oh, now that the hard part of writing it and dealing with all the feelings that came along with getting into their heads here is over, I suppose I can forgive her now. ;)