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geekystudmuffinTitle: Weathering the World
Authors:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innerslytherin & severity_softly
Fandom: The 100
Pairing/Characters: Jasper/Bellamy, Monty, Octavia, Lincoln, Raven
Rating: R (for violence/blood, lots of drunkenness, and language)
WC: ~43,400
Notes: Set immediately after the season two finale, "Blood Must Have Blood: Part 2". Inspired in part by Jasper spoilers in this article for the season three premiere. Also, we realize we're posting this just the day before the season three premiere, so it will very likely be AU very quickly. Read fast! ;)
Summary: After Maya's death, Jasper becomes reckless… But Bellamy refuses to let him destroy himself.
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
Maya's dark hair was floating around her head. She was wearing a dress that was so white that it was almost blinding, and Jasper squinted at her. She was smiling warmly at him.
Jasper smiled broadly and moved a few feet to her. He closed his eyes and tried to embrace her, but there was nothing. Reopening his eyes, she was a few feet from him again, and her expression had gone sad.
"You can't touch me," she said.
"Why not?" Jasper demanded, a frown forming on his face.
"I'm not real, Jasper," she informed him. "I'll never be flesh and bone again."
Jasper felt the sting of tears in his eyes. "It's not fair."
"Nothing ever is," she said calmly.
"I--" Jasper wiped his eyes furiously. He wasn't going to cry now. "I miss you."
"I know," Maya said. She pressed a hand to her chest, over her heart. "But it's time to let me go."
Jasper shook his head emphatically. "Never."
"Then you might as well die too," she said.
Jasper blinked at her, surprised. "Would I be with you again?"
"I don't know," Maya replied, her voice cracking with emotion. "So it's better if you live. Keep living. Find someone else to love."
"Find someone else?" Jasper gasped. "How could I ever--?"
"Easy." Maya lowered her hand from her chest. "Let me go. Cherish what we had, but let me go."
To Jasper's horror, burns started to blossom on her cheeks, and the bright white of her dress started to fade.
"None of us are innocent," she said. "But you know who is really guilty." Her hair stopped floating and went limp against her head. "And it's not your friends." Her voice was changing now, getting harsher, and blood started trickling down her face from her hairline. "It's Emerson and his men."
"No, Maya," Jasper gasped, wanting her to stop burning and bleeding. He wanted to hang on to the real Maya, the one whose beauty left him breathless. "No!"
"Kill them!" she demanded.
"No! Don't go!" he said.
"No!" Jasper shouted, and jerked upright in bed, the vision of Maya fading and burning and bleeding lingering in his head. "No," he blurted, his heart racing and breath coming hard and fast.
He felt Monty shift against his hip and roll over. "Y'okay?" he muttered.
"I'm fine," Jasper lied. He pushed himself to his feet, ignoring that he was shaking. He had to get out of here.
"Hang on." Monty was sounding a little more awake. He inhaled loudly, which turned into a yawn, and started to sit up. "Where you going?"
Jasper held a sigh and turned to face Monty, pressing a hand to his face as if he could push out the image of Maya from the dream.
In the last week, his bruises had faded significantly, leaving only a slightly mottled look to Jasper's face where they once were. It didn't hurt much anymore either, so Jasper pressed hard against his eye. "I need some air," he managed, wishing he didn't sound out of breath.
Monty sat up all the way. "Just air?" he asked, a hint of suspicion creeping into his voice. "I can go with you."
Jasper dropped his hand and watched stars swim in his vision. "I'm sorry I woke you. You should go back to bed. Just air, I promise." He wasn't going to drink. He might find Bellamy, though.
Monty reached out and touched his leg, accidentally finding a bruise on Jasper's shin. "'Kay. 'member, I'm here f'r you." He was already lapsing back into sleep. Jasper was surprised at how good it felt that Monty took him at his word.
"I know," Jasper said, watching as Monty rested back down in the blankets.
He pushed out of the tent, leaving his friend behind, feeling relieved that Monty hadn't pushed to come with him. The night air was crisp, and Jasper gazed up at the stars for a moment, drawing deep breaths to try and regain his composure, to try to force the image of Maya out of his mind.
"Kill them! she repeated in his head.
That hadn't been her. Maya hadn't had a vengeful bone in her body. That version of Maya had all been in Jasper's head. But he didn't care.
He made his way to Bellamy's tent, pushing open the flap just enough to peek inside without waking Bellamy if he was asleep.
Bellamy was asleep, but he didn't look like he was enjoying it. When Jasper pushed the tent flap open, Bellamy tossed his head, making a strangled groan. His face was twisted into an expression of pain.
Jasper paused, unsure what to do. Bellamy shifted again. "Th'r kids," he mumbled, "Nnn--" He broke off with a strangled cry. "Jas--" he exclaimed, and then jerked.
Jasper drew in a sharp breath when Bellamy's eyes flew open. Should he pretend he hadn't seen that? He hadn't pushed the flap open enough that he couldn't just slip away.
But Jasper's chest squeezed. Had Bellamy just tried to say his name?
Jasper opted to clear his throat. Bellamy tensed and looked toward the tent flap, and Jasper pushed it open a little further. "I'm, uh… I didn't mean to wake you," he said softly.
Bellamy was still for a moment, then grunted and dropped back into his blankets. "Jasper," he rasped. He cleared his throat. "C'mon in. Gimme a sec." He wiped his hands down his face. "Shit. I was dreaming. Sorry."
Jasper held a shaky breath. "I heard," he admitted. "I didn't mean to. I just meant to peek in to see if you were even here or not. I can go, if you want." He hovered near the tent entrance.
Bellamy grunted a noise that sounded like a negative. After a moment he exhaled loudly and sat up. "No, come in." He shook his head like he was trying to clear it and finally looked up at Jasper again. "Please come in."
Jasper hesitated, but then went into the tent and stood there, not too far from where Bellamy was sitting, and not to close either. He suddenly wasn't sure why he came. "I thought you'd be out," he said, shoving his hands in his pockets for lack of anything better to do with them.
Bellamy buried his face in his hands, then looked up at him. He looked sleepy and disheveled and utterly exhausted. "I didn't think it was fair to go out without you," he said. "Sit down." He nodded at the end of his blankets. "You okay?"
Jasper nodded, then sat where Bellamy had indicated, at the edge of the blanket. "I had a dream. Well, it started as a dream, then got…strange. Bad… It..." He trailed off. "I figured you'd kept going out without me while I was recovering."
Bellamy still looked sleepy, but his gaze was fixed on Jasper's face. "I dream too." He rubbed a hand through his hair. "Sorry. S'like I've got cobwebs in my head. We had an agreement. Go after the Mountain Men together." Bellamy looked up at Jasper, and for the first time that night, his lips curled in a tiny smile. "I'll keep my end of the deal."
Jasper kept to himself that he didn't realize their deal to kill the Mountain Men together meant that Bellamy wasn't able to go out on his own. Jasper liked that Bellamy had thought that was the case. It meant Bellamy wasn't putting himself in danger alone.
Jasper resisted the urge to smooth a patch of hair that was sticking straight up on Bellamy's head after he had run his fingers through it, and thought back to what dream Maya had said. You know who is really guilty. And it's not your friends.
That first part still didn't seem like something Maya would say. She wouldn't want him really blaming anyone. But the second part… she definitely wouldn't want him blaming his friends.
"Good," Jasper said, then lifted a hand to run through his own hair before he remembered it was gone. He was getting used to it, but he still forgot sometimes.
He dropped his hand. "You, ah… wanna talk about it? Your dream, I mean." Why had Bellamy almost called Jasper's name?
Bellamy's gaze went far away for a moment. "Not sure if you want to hear it," he said, but his tone of voice made Jasper think he wanted to talk about it. "It's...Mount Weather."
He sighed. "I was hiding there for...well, it felt like weeks, even though it wasn't. And…" Bellamy flickered a glance at him and then away. "She helped me. I can't…" He inhaled shakily. "I can't forget that."
Jasper pressed his lips together. Bellamy was dreaming about Maya too. Jasper looked away from Bellamy, but didn't tell Bellamy to stop. He was glad Bellamy dreamed of Maya too. It meant Bellamy was sorry. Or at least Jasper hoped that was what it meant. He wouldn't know for sure until Bellamy finished his story.
Bellamy swore and looked around. "Where's my canteen?" He found it after a moment and took a long drink. Then he held it out to Jasper. "Need a drink?"
He sighed. "She helped me, and I failed her. And I see those kids...their faces…" He shook his head. "God, Jasper, I'm so fucked up."
Jasper took the canteen and sniffed at it, relieved when he didn't smell anything. Just water.
Or was he relieved? Their conversation was heading into uncomfortable territory…
No. I promised Monty. Just air.
Jasper took a long drink, wondering what to say. What could he say that didn't hurt? By all rights, he could ask Bellamy how he dared to talk about Maya.
But… no. Bellamy was hurting. Maybe he wasn't as directly hurt by Maya's death, but he regretted it. And Maya wouldn't want Jasper to hate him, or hurt him more. And if Jasper was honest, he didn't have it in him any more. He was fighting the urge to comfort Bellamy.
"I know," Jasper said finally. He swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. "She… she would have forgiven you."
Bellamy met his eyes briefly. "Maybe," he mumbled, "but I can't forgive myself." He rubbed his hands over his face again; it was almost like he was hiding from Jasper's gaze. "I tried to talk Clarke out of it," he whispered. "But I didn't try very hard."
Jasper licked his lips, then took another drink before handing it back to Bellamy. He remembered what Octavia had said to him the night she'd woken him up in his tent. The night after Bellamy had gone out into the woods drunk after fighting with Jasper.
Bell'd halfway fallen for Clarke. He was sure as hell under her spell of leadership.
"Clarke is… was…" Jasper trailed off, not knowing what to say. If Bellamy still loved Clarke, what could he say?
Well, he could say a lot of things, but it could jeopardize Bellamy's agreement to go find the Mountain Men with him.
"Forceful?" Bellamy suggested. "Hard to say no to?" He gave Jasper a rueful look. "Thing is, she asked if I had a better idea. And I didn't. What kind of leader am I, if I couldn't come up with any alternatives?"
"I don't know," Jasper answered honestly. He drew his knees against his chest and hugged them. "I'm sure you've thought about it a lot since then, though. Have you come up with any you missed?"
"That's the worst damn part," Bellamy said. "I haven't. I still don't know what would have been better. Not killing anyone. But they were already killing our people. Raven could have died. They'd already tried to kill Monty. I just--" He buried his face in his hands and made a noise that was just barely not a sob. "--how could we have gotten out of there without killing people? Children? Maya?"
"I could have killed Cage," Jasper offered quietly, but his gaze was soft on Bellamy. He knew, from his talks with Maya, that Bellamy couldn't have known how quickly that would have happened, and didn't feel like they could risk it. "But you couldn't trust that," he finished.
"I wish I had, trusted it," Bellamy said. "I wish--" He shook his head. "But I might not have talked Clarke into it. Cage was torturing her mother. It must have been awful to watch. If that had been Octavia…"
Jasper nodded… then emotion flooded him as something hit him. He said it out loud. "If Maya had been one of us…" he trailed off.
Bellamy looked over at him. "What?" he prompted. "If she'd been one of us…?"
Jasper's face twisted and he dropped it against his knees. "If she'd been… if they were going to kill her, and I knew the radiation wouldn't…" He forced himself not to tear up, but his voice choked on his last words. "I would've… I probably would've pulled the switch too."
Understanding washed over Bellamy's face. "Oh, God, Jasper," he murmured, and reached out a hand to him. He didn't actually touch Jasper, though. He dropped his hand to the blanket between them. "I'm sorry," he said finally.
"Why?" Jasper said immediately. He looked down at Bellamy's hand, knowing grief was flooding his expression. "You…" Jasper swallowed, the words he was about to speak feeling heavy and thick. "You didn't do anything I wouldn't have done. Now that I think about it. Given the right circumstances."
He let out a heavy breath, swallowing a sob. "Maybe next time we'll be in reversed positions."
Bellamy gripped his hand. "That doesn't mean I can't be sorry," he whispered. "You were so happy, and I...I'm sorry, Jasper."
Jasper found himself turning his hand so he could curl his fingers with Bellamy's. "I know you are," he admitted. "I know." He drew a shaky breath. "But I would have crushed your happiness in a heartbeat to have mine, if our positions had been reversed."
God, why was this hitting him now?
He felt himself collapse against Bellamy's shoulder. "I forgive you," he whispered.
Bellamy let out a shaky breath and wrapped his arms around Jasper. From the ragged breathing, he seemed to understand how Jasper felt. "Jasper," he finally whispered. His arms were strong around Jasper, holding him securely enough that Jasper almost felt safe.
God, it felt good.
Jasper wrapped his arms around Bellamy too, holding him tightly. He didn't know what to say now, so he just squeezed Bellamy close.
But after a while, he felt a little awkward. "I should go back to bed," he murmured. "Sorry for waking you up." He started to pull away.
Bellamy laughed faintly. "No. Thank you," he said. He paused just long enough for it to feel awkward, then said, "I...don't suppose you'd want to stay here? Just tonight?"
Jasper stilled, then considered it. He drew in a deep breath. "I already told Monty to go back to sleep," he said.
Bellamy hummed thoughtfully. "Good. Stay here." He tilted his head, meeting Jasper's gaze. "We might both sleep better."
Jasper watched him for a moment, wondering what it meant if he stayed here… But Monty was probably asleep, and Jasper and Bellamy had just shared something Jasper couldn't explain.
"Where?" Jasper asked, looking around the tent.
"Take Monty's spot." Bellamy scooted over. "I'll share." He gave Jasper a smile that was sleepy again, but it was inviting.
If Jasper had more nightmares tonight, Bellamy would understand. Jasper knew that now. And if Bellamy had another nightmare… for the first time, Jasper thought he might understand too.
***
Bellamy woke up and stared at the tent canvas over his head. He hadn't dreamed that conversation last night, had he? Jasper had actually come here, woken him up, and said he forgave him?
He turned his head slightly. That definitely wasn't a girl's head pressed against his shoulder, and there wasn't enough hair for it to be Monty.
Bell turned his head a little more, breathing in the scent of Jasper's hair. This might be his only chance, after all, and no way was he going to waste it. After a moment, he closed his eyes. He wondered if he could drift back to sleep.
"Mmmm," Jasper hummed. He shifted closer, then turned and wrapped his arms around Bellamy. "You can't," he mumbled quietly, then pressed his face to Bellamy's neck.
Bell smiled, eyes still closed. "Can't what?" Jasper must not be awake yet.
"Die," Jasper said, and from the light, floaty sound of his voice, he was definitely not awake.
"Mm. 'll try not to," Bell mumbled. He snuggled a little closer and yawned. How long could this last? Part of him didn't want Jasper to wake up yet.
Jasper mumbled something that Bellamy couldn't quite understand, but stayed still for a while. Bellamy knew he shouldn't be enjoying the way Jasper's lean body felt against his, or the tickle of Jasper's breath against his neck, but he did. Damn it, he did.
Eventually Jasper drew a long breath and huffed it out, shifting away a little, but not completely out of Bellamy's hold. "I'm…" he said sleepily. "I'm sorry." Bellamy turned his head to see Jasper looking at him, eyes a little wide.
He was probably looking at Jasper with way too much affection. He had no idea what Jasper could read in his expression, but he couldn't make himself pull away. "For what?" he asked, his voice quiet.
Jasper's expression went a little odd, but not necessarily in a bad way. "I didn't mean to…" Jasper trailed off. "I guess I thought I was with Monty for a minute." He pulled away from Bellamy then and rolled onto his back, half in the dirt.
Bell huffed a laugh. "I didn't mind," he said. I liked it more than I should, he thought. "Sleep okay?"
"Better than usual," Jasper admitted, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand. He glanced over at Bellamy. "I didn't mind it either," he said, something oddly timid in those words.
Bell smiled at him, a little hesitantly. "I slept pretty well, too. And...I'm glad you didn't mind." He thought of Raven saying it was okay for him to want Jasper. He still wasn't sure he believed it, but at least Jasper didn't seem to hate him anymore.
"Sun's out," Jasper murmured. There were a couple of thin spots in the tent where sun could shine through. Jasper didn't move to get up, though, sun up or not. Bellamy wondered how long he could lay here with Jasper… or if Jasper might move back into his arms now that he was fully awake.
"Mm-hmm." Bell yawned and stretched. He tore his gaze away from Jasper's face. If he didn't quit staring, Jasper would figure it out, and Bellamy wasn't quite ready for that. Might never, actually, be ready for that.
Jasper rolled a little closer again, letting his eyes flutter shut. "The dizzy spells have stopped," he murmured, and Bellamy knew what that meant. Jasper was ready to start hunting Mountain Men.
"What about your side?" It didn't seem to have been bothering him, but Bellamy didn't want to start their hunt too early and threaten the stitches healing.
"Better," Jasper said. "Still hurts a little if I forget about it and twist the wrong way, but it's healing fine." He opened his eyes and met Bellamy's gaze. "I think I can go out."
Bellamy held in a sigh. He'd known this moment would come, but he hadn't looked forward to it. "Okay." He pressed his lips together for a moment, then said, "Let's take a walk in the woods today, then. During the day. Check stuff out, try to look normal, that kind of thing."
Jasper smiled at that, looking at little relieved that Bellamy wasn't going to make him stay in the camp convalescing any more. "Sounds good to me," he said, then closed his eyes again. "Later, though." His forehead pressed against Bellamy's shoulder.
Bell grinned and closed his eyes. "Sure. Later."
He was starting to drift back into sleep when he heard footsteps outside approaching the tent. "Bellamy, are you awake?" called Monty. "I can't find Jasper."
Bellamy wasn't sure if Jasper was still awake. He cracked his eyes open to find out, but before he could answer, Monty had ducked into the tent.
"Oh, hey, sorry--" Monty said, then stopped and stared.
"Just air," Jasper mumbled. "I promised." He didn't move, which made Bellamy wonder how awake he was.
"Huh?" Bellamy shifted a little and jerked his head for Monty to come on inside. "Jasper woke me up last night," he said to Monty. "Nightmare. He stayed and talked."
"And then stayed and slept," Monty said, his tone a little cautious. He ducked under the flap, then walked to the middle of the tent before settling on the ground.
"Yeah." Bell yawned and then shifted his shoulder gently out from under Jasper's head so he could sit up. It seemed weird to just lie there while talking to Monty. He glanced down at Jasper, then said, "I think it was good."
Jasper shifted a little, then stretched and blinked his eyes open, looking blearily at the top of the tent.
"What?" Monty asked.
"That we talked." Bellamy thought about what he'd just said, gauged it against Monty's confusion, and felt himself blush. "We talked, and then we slept," he said, trying to emphasize the last word enough that Monty would understand, without making Jasper think he didn't want to do more than sleep.
God, Bellamy was so stupid.
"Oh," Monty said, nodding and picking the hem of his shirt. A crooked smile crossed his face, and Bellamy followed his gaze as Monty watched Jasper struggle to wake up. "I'm glad. That he came here. I was starting to worry he went out again."
"M'wake," Jasper muttered, then pushed himself up onto his forearms. "You don't have to talk about me like I'm not here."
Bell snorted. "I'm glad he came here, too," he said, grinning at Monty. Then he looked down at Jasper, his grin softening. "And I think Monty was just trying not to wake you up." Bellamy was a little sorry he had woken. It had been nice, having a sleepy Jasper in his bed.
Jasper made an unhappy noise, rubbing the top of his head. "I shouldn't sleep this late anyway," he complained. "It was just… nice. For a change."
Monty chuckled. "Now you see why I turned to another when you scorned me?" he teased.
Jasper laughed, then grabbed a clump of dirt and threw it at Monty.
"Hey, my floor!" Bellamy complained, but he was grinning. "Just because Monty left you for me, you don't have to destroy my home."
Jasper laughed a little more at that, and Bellamy couldn't deny the little tug of something in his chest. Seeing Jasper like this… it was almost like the old Jasper was back. The Jasper before Mount Weather.
Jasper put a hand over his side as he laughed, over the spot where the Grounder had cut him open, and Bellamy wondered if it was bothering him more than he let on.
"That's what you get with Jasper lately. Destruction." Monty was still smiling, but he was watching Jasper as if he was gauging his reaction.
Jasper's laughter died down, and the smile on his lips turned rueful.
Bellamy didn't disagree with Monty, but he didn't like seeing Jasper's smile change. "Destruction and cuddling," he replied, nudging Jasper's shoulder. "It's a very strange combination."
Jasper pressed his lips together, and for a moment, Bellamy worried he'd misspoken, but then Jasper smiled again.
"You have to admit, I'm good at both," he said, his voice not sounding quite right, though he didn't seem angry or upset.
"Not arguing," Bellamy said, and glanced over at Monty. "I don't suppose you brought breakfast or coffee?"
Monty shook his head, then his eyebrows shot up and he shifted, fishing something out of his back pocket. "It's not much," he said, handing a packet that looked a bit smushed over to Bellamy. It was some kind of granola. "I was too worried looking for Jasper to get proper food," he said, shrugging.
Jasper snatched it out of Bellamy's hands, opening it and dumping some in his hand before handing it back.
Bell grinned. "I was just joking, but thanks." He glanced at Jasper and decided he didn't seem too upset about Monty being worried about him. "We could all go get breakfast now," he suggested.
Jasper was chewing on the handful of granola he'd dropped into his mouth, but nodded. "Yeah," he managed, through a full mouth.
"Sounds good to me," Monty said, eying Jasper.
Bell looked at Jasper, then back at Monty, laughing. "And we'd better go before Jasper starves."
***
Jasper spent most of the day feeling anxious. He was ready to leave camp and go find the Mountain Men. His side was bothering him more than he let on, but he wasn't going to let that stop him.
Still, he parted with Monty and Bellamy after breakfast, and busied himself with other people, trying not to get too worked up about anything to the point of finding his stash of hooch.
He was in his tent, sharpening his makeshift knife when Bellamy found him. He wondered if Bellamy would let him have the Grounder blade. If he was going to have to wear another scar from it, he might as well keep the weapon.
"Are you ready?" he asked Bellamy, not bothering to even say hello.
"Question is, are you ready?" Bellamy crouched in front of Jasper, holding his gaze. Despite the teasing tone of his question, his eyes were serious. "Really, Jasper, are you sure you're ready?"
Jasper nodded. He wasn't going to let a few aches and pains stop him. "Yeah," he said, holding Bellamy's gaze, and for a moment, letting himself appreciate Bellamy's eyes. He really should stop. He'd appreciated Bellamy's appearance a little too much when he'd woken up in Bellamy's arms.
It had been nice, though. Too nice. Comforting.
Bellamy pressed his lips together, but he placed a hand on Jasper's shoulder for a moment and nodded. "Okay, then. Let's get out there. I'm not looking for any fights today. Just information. You good with that?"
"Yeah," Jasper said, pushing himself up to stand. He didn't say that they got what they got out there, and if they had to fight, they would. He didn't think that was the reply Bellamy wanted. "Do you still have that grounder sword?"
Bellamy hesitated, then took the sword from his belt. He'd been wearing it, which seemed weird since he already had a knife and was so in love with his gun. But maybe he'd decided to take a page out of Octavia's book.
"Do you know how to use one?" Bellamy asked. "We could probably talk Lincoln into giving us some lessons, as long as we're casual about it."
Jasper's lips twisted, remembering how easily Dante Wallace had disarmed him when Jasper had the sword at Mount Weather, but he didn't say that. Jasper just took the sword and tucked it carefully in his own belt. "That might not be a bad idea," he said, though truthfully he wasn't sure it would be so hard. You just swing with it and try to get the sharp parts to land where you wanted.
"Octavia's been giving me grief about us not being all buddy-buddy," Bellamy confessed. "I mean, I trusted the man to get me into Mount Weather and take care of my sister while I was in there. What more does she want?" He snorted. "But anyway, I figure I could tell her the lessons are just an excuse to hang out with him. And I can tell him the truth. Well," he said, "part of the truth. That I want to know how to handle anything the Ground throws at us. That I don't ever want to feel helpless while I watch y--someone fight a Grounder again."
He shrugged and looked away. "Anyway. Can't hurt."
Jasper nodded, then walked past Bellamy and pushed open the flap of his tent to exit. He held it for Bellamy to follow him, then squinted around the camp, looking for the weak spot in the guard that surrounded the perimeter that he'd seen earlier today. "Octavia wants me to make friends with Lincoln too," he said. "He seems like a good guy, but he's so serious."
Bellamy chuckled. "We could see if he laughs at any of our old Earth jokes. Come on. This way." He struck off at a casual pace towards the perimeter. It didn't take long for Jasper to realize Bellamy was heading for the weak spot he'd seen. "This is how I got out last time," Bell said, "and I was careful not to tell Octavia that."
"She probably already knows about it," Jasper said, then followed Bellamy when he ducked outside the fence. He readjusted his weapons when he straightened again, then glanced around them. "Head in the direction of Mount Weather?"
"We could. Or we could check out the spot where the Grounders attacked us." Bellamy scanned their surroundings. "I'm not as good a tracker as Lincoln, but we could see if there's anything there." He glanced over at Jasper. "I wasn't kidding about not looking for a fight today. I know there are no guarantees, and if we get a fight, we fight. But today is about making sure you're fit." There was concern in his brown eyes.
For a moment, Jasper couldn't look away. He stared into Bellamy's warm gaze for too long, and then Bellamy broke the shared gaze and Jasper snapped himself out of it.
"I'm fit," Jasper replied, and started walking.
"I believe that you think you are," Bellamy said, keeping up with him. He kept glancing at Jasper in between scanning their surroundings.
Jasper sighed, but decided not to argue. It wouldn't do him any good anyway. After a moment, he paused, and looked at Bellamy. "I, ah… I have no idea where we were when the Grounders attacked us," he said, feeling a little sheepish. Between the alcohol and the beating, Jasper had very little memory of that night.
Bellamy flashed him a warm look. "You had a few other things on your mind that night," he said. "Don't worry. I remember it all too well."
Though he'd spoken lightly, the further they got into the trees, the darker his expression got. Jasper didn't think Bellamy looked angry, but he wasn't sure what was going through his head. He definitely got more vigilant the further they got from camp, but that made sense. It was the strain in his expression that was odd.
They walked for a while, Jasper following Bellamy, his eyes darting from Bellamy's solid frame to the woods around them. Eventually Bellamy stopped, his gaze on the ground, and Jasper followed it to a dark smudge on the ground.
It was where he'd slipped in blood, he remembered vaguely.
Jasper looked around them for the Grounders Bellamy had had to kill. "Where are their bodies?" he murmured. Of course, it was entirely possible the Grounders had reclaimed them, but Jasper thought the camp would have heard about it if they had found two of their people dead.
"I think Lincoln...took care of them," Bellamy said, his voice rough. "He didn't want it sparking another feud." He crouched, studying the small clearing. "That's where the first one tried to kill you." He pointed, his eyes darkening.
Jasper looked at the spot on the ground where Bellamy was pointing, rubbing his neck absently. "Almost succeeded," he muttered.
Bellamy exhaled slowly. "My gun jammed," he whispered. "I didn't…" He wiped a hand over his mouth. "I almost wasn't in time."
Jasper let out a breathy laugh, which made Bellamy frown. "Wouldn't have mattered to me," he breathed. "At the time."
That made Bellamy choke out a laugh. "You were fighting pretty hard for someone who wanted to die," he said.
Jasper shrugged, feeling a smile tug his lips. "Instinct?" he said.
"Not convinced." Bellamy cleared his throat and stood up. "For the record, Jasper, I'm glad you fought." His gaze was serious. "I'm glad you lived."
Jasper's half-smile turned into a smirk. "I figure you wouldn't have gone to the trouble of saving me if you didn't mind the idea of me dying," he said, trying to ignore the way Bellamy was looking at him made his chest ache.
Bellamy snorted and wandered across the clearing, gaze on the ground. "You see anything out of the ordinary here?"
Jasper glanced around, his hand going absently to the hilt of the sword on his hip. He shrugged. "No. Not here. Should we keep going?"
"Sure." Bellamy shook his head. "What is this guy up to?" he muttered. "Okay, let's go over what we know." He came back to Jasper and looked around, obviously orienting himself. "While we walk towards Mount Weather, I guess."
"We know Emerson is still alive, probably. Maybe others. We know he, or they, probably aren't very pleased with us. You, Monty and…" Jasper hesitated, then forced himself to say her name. "And Clarke, especially."
Bellamy nodded. "That makes sense. He got the treatment, and he was Cage's go-to guy. I wouldn't be surprised if he was out for revenge." He glanced over at Jasper. "Monty might not be as big a target. Clarke knew Emerson, so I'm willing to bet he knew her, too. And he'd definitely recognize me as the fake guard running around inside Mount Weather. But he didn't know for sure who was in the control room with Clarke."
He shook his head. "We can hope, anyway."
"Yeah," Jasper agreed. He swallowed hard, and looked ahead as he walked.
Bellamy hadn't seemed bothered when he'd mentioned Clarke's name. Maybe he was getting over her, Jasper thought, and tried not to hope too much that it was true.
"I can deal with being a target." Bellamy's voice was low. "Hell, I deserve it. Clarke, too, if she were around, but I'm sure she's long gone by now." He watched the ground as he walked, maybe scanning for clues, maybe just trying not to lose his footing. "But Monty doesn't. None of the rest of them do. So if he threatens innocent people, I'll take him out happily."
I'll take him out. I get to do it, Jasper thought, but he didn't say that. He couldn't predict how confronting him would go, though, so Jasper just hoped the situation would put him in that position when it came time. "He did threaten innocent people," Jasper muttered. "He's already guilty."
"Good point," Bellamy said. He glanced around, then held up a hand. "Hang on," he murmured. "Do you see that?"
He pointed, and Jasper followed it to a scrap of fabric hooked on an outcropping of stone ahead of them. It looked like a good place for an ambush to Jasper. The narrow space in between the outcroppings would be a good place for someone to lie in wait. For all they knew, Emerson could be waiting for them to be bunched up in there, limiting their escape route.
Jasper licked his lips, his senses going on full alert. "Yeah," he said, lowering his voice and slowly drawing the knife from his belt, knowing the larger sword would be more awkward to maneuver in the tight space.
He started to move forward, toward where the fabric was hanging, trying to listen hard for any sounds. He could make out writing on the fabric, but couldn't read it yet.
Bellamy fell in close behind him, walking sideways so he could watch Jasper's back but still keep an eye on things behind him. It felt natural to be working with Bellamy like this. Jasper wasn't sure what that meant.
"Can you see what it is?" Bellamy whispered.
Jasper shook his head, then remembered Bellamy might not have been looking at him. "Not yet," he murmured, inching closer. When he got close enough, he reached out and closed his fingers on the fabric.
He turned the letters to face him, and felt a wash of cold when he read what it said. "Emerson," he whispered. "It's his name tag."
"Shit." Bellamy must not have noticed Jasper stopping, because he took one more step, and his back pressed against Jasper's. "So he was here."
Jasper didn't shift away from Bellamy. It felt comforting. Safe. "Should we go through?" he whispered.
Bellamy was silent for a moment. "This would be a good place for an ambush," he said. "But we have to get through. What do you want to do?"
Jasper steeled himself, straightening up a little. "Let's go," he said, and started to work his way up onto the rock before pushing himself through them, his eyes darting around for any spot someone could fit behind and hide.
Bellamy kept close to him, and Jasper found it wasn't hard to trust him to watch his back. Bellamy stayed close enough that they were always touching, just barely. There was no noise except the usual bird calls and wind in the leaves as they made their way through the small pass.
When Jasper finally got to the opening at the other side, he raised his knife and jumped out, spinning quickly in both directions, ready for an attack. But there was nothing.
Jasper actually found himself disappointed, his chest aching uncomfortably. He looked back at Bellamy, who seemed to realize from Jasper's face that nothing was there. Still, Jasper said, "clear," and kicked absently at a rock.
Bellamy arched an eyebrow at him as if he knew exactly what Jasper was feeling, but he didn't comment on it. Instead he crouched, looking at the ground around the entrance to the pass. "Look. There're footprints here."
Jasper walked over to where Bellamy was and eyed the impressions in the ground. They looked fresh. The breeze hadn't covered them up with debris yet. "Must've just missed him." Jasper looked around a bit more, noting only one set of prints. "Looks like he was alone."
"Maybe he's working solo. Maybe he's the only one who got out." Bellamy stood and stretched, glancing about casually. "And maybe he's still around," he murmured, "watching us."
Jasper tensed, his gaze darting around them, his grip tighter on his knife. "Should we follow the prints?" he murmured.
"Relax," Bellamy muttered. "If he's watching, we don't want him to know we know." He stepped closer to Jasper, his body language casual, though he was looking over Jasper's shoulder. "Do you want to follow them?" he asked, keeping his voice down.
"Yes," Jasper said automatically, his voice hushed. He needed to kill Emerson.
Bellamy huffed, his lips curling up slightly, and met Jasper's eyes for just a moment. There was warmth and understanding in his gaze, but just a little exasperation in his voice when he said, "Jasper, this isn't a race. Let's make sure we're ready to take him on before we tip our hand." He flicked a glance upwards. "Besides, we're losing the light."
Jasper looked up at the sky, feeling a rush of something that was like a mix of disappointment and relief. It was getting darker. "We might never find prints this fresh again," he muttered.
"It's possible," Bellamy said. "But we already know he's hanging out in this area. He was here the night we ran into the Grounders, and he's been here today." He turned in a slow circle, eyes scanning the trees. "But I don't think he's here right now, and I'm willing to bet he'll be back here in a day or two."
Jasper nodded, trying to push away his disappointment. It made sense that they wouldn't find Emerson on their first day. That would have been too lucky. But it still hurt. Jasper wanted to end the pain in his chest that arose whenever he thought of Maya.
"Yeah," he muttered, and started making his way back to the narrow opening in the stones.
"Hey, don't get discouraged," Bellamy said, following him. "We found some good clues today. We're a step closer."
"A step closer now, but if we leave, we'll be farther away," Jasper said, his voice flat. He knew they needed to go back. Bellamy was right. Jasper hoisted himself back into the crevasse between the stones.anyway. "It's fine," he said, sliding into the rock.
He heard Bellamy sigh behind him, but at least he stopped talking. It took a lot less time to get back to the spot where they'd been attacked, now that they weren't tracking. Bellamy caught up to Jasper at some point, falling in next to him.
Part 5
Authors:
innerslytherin & severity_softlyFandom: The 100
Pairing/Characters: Jasper/Bellamy, Monty, Octavia, Lincoln, Raven
Rating: R (for violence/blood, lots of drunkenness, and language)
WC: ~43,400
Notes: Set immediately after the season two finale, "Blood Must Have Blood: Part 2". Inspired in part by Jasper spoilers in this article for the season three premiere. Also, we realize we're posting this just the day before the season three premiere, so it will very likely be AU very quickly. Read fast! ;)
Summary: After Maya's death, Jasper becomes reckless… But Bellamy refuses to let him destroy himself.
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
Maya's dark hair was floating around her head. She was wearing a dress that was so white that it was almost blinding, and Jasper squinted at her. She was smiling warmly at him.
Jasper smiled broadly and moved a few feet to her. He closed his eyes and tried to embrace her, but there was nothing. Reopening his eyes, she was a few feet from him again, and her expression had gone sad.
"You can't touch me," she said.
"Why not?" Jasper demanded, a frown forming on his face.
"I'm not real, Jasper," she informed him. "I'll never be flesh and bone again."
Jasper felt the sting of tears in his eyes. "It's not fair."
"Nothing ever is," she said calmly.
"I--" Jasper wiped his eyes furiously. He wasn't going to cry now. "I miss you."
"I know," Maya said. She pressed a hand to her chest, over her heart. "But it's time to let me go."
Jasper shook his head emphatically. "Never."
"Then you might as well die too," she said.
Jasper blinked at her, surprised. "Would I be with you again?"
"I don't know," Maya replied, her voice cracking with emotion. "So it's better if you live. Keep living. Find someone else to love."
"Find someone else?" Jasper gasped. "How could I ever--?"
"Easy." Maya lowered her hand from her chest. "Let me go. Cherish what we had, but let me go."
To Jasper's horror, burns started to blossom on her cheeks, and the bright white of her dress started to fade.
"None of us are innocent," she said. "But you know who is really guilty." Her hair stopped floating and went limp against her head. "And it's not your friends." Her voice was changing now, getting harsher, and blood started trickling down her face from her hairline. "It's Emerson and his men."
"No, Maya," Jasper gasped, wanting her to stop burning and bleeding. He wanted to hang on to the real Maya, the one whose beauty left him breathless. "No!"
"Kill them!" she demanded.
"No! Don't go!" he said.
"No!" Jasper shouted, and jerked upright in bed, the vision of Maya fading and burning and bleeding lingering in his head. "No," he blurted, his heart racing and breath coming hard and fast.
He felt Monty shift against his hip and roll over. "Y'okay?" he muttered.
"I'm fine," Jasper lied. He pushed himself to his feet, ignoring that he was shaking. He had to get out of here.
"Hang on." Monty was sounding a little more awake. He inhaled loudly, which turned into a yawn, and started to sit up. "Where you going?"
Jasper held a sigh and turned to face Monty, pressing a hand to his face as if he could push out the image of Maya from the dream.
In the last week, his bruises had faded significantly, leaving only a slightly mottled look to Jasper's face where they once were. It didn't hurt much anymore either, so Jasper pressed hard against his eye. "I need some air," he managed, wishing he didn't sound out of breath.
Monty sat up all the way. "Just air?" he asked, a hint of suspicion creeping into his voice. "I can go with you."
Jasper dropped his hand and watched stars swim in his vision. "I'm sorry I woke you. You should go back to bed. Just air, I promise." He wasn't going to drink. He might find Bellamy, though.
Monty reached out and touched his leg, accidentally finding a bruise on Jasper's shin. "'Kay. 'member, I'm here f'r you." He was already lapsing back into sleep. Jasper was surprised at how good it felt that Monty took him at his word.
"I know," Jasper said, watching as Monty rested back down in the blankets.
He pushed out of the tent, leaving his friend behind, feeling relieved that Monty hadn't pushed to come with him. The night air was crisp, and Jasper gazed up at the stars for a moment, drawing deep breaths to try and regain his composure, to try to force the image of Maya out of his mind.
"Kill them! she repeated in his head.
That hadn't been her. Maya hadn't had a vengeful bone in her body. That version of Maya had all been in Jasper's head. But he didn't care.
He made his way to Bellamy's tent, pushing open the flap just enough to peek inside without waking Bellamy if he was asleep.
Bellamy was asleep, but he didn't look like he was enjoying it. When Jasper pushed the tent flap open, Bellamy tossed his head, making a strangled groan. His face was twisted into an expression of pain.
Jasper paused, unsure what to do. Bellamy shifted again. "Th'r kids," he mumbled, "Nnn--" He broke off with a strangled cry. "Jas--" he exclaimed, and then jerked.
Jasper drew in a sharp breath when Bellamy's eyes flew open. Should he pretend he hadn't seen that? He hadn't pushed the flap open enough that he couldn't just slip away.
But Jasper's chest squeezed. Had Bellamy just tried to say his name?
Jasper opted to clear his throat. Bellamy tensed and looked toward the tent flap, and Jasper pushed it open a little further. "I'm, uh… I didn't mean to wake you," he said softly.
Bellamy was still for a moment, then grunted and dropped back into his blankets. "Jasper," he rasped. He cleared his throat. "C'mon in. Gimme a sec." He wiped his hands down his face. "Shit. I was dreaming. Sorry."
Jasper held a shaky breath. "I heard," he admitted. "I didn't mean to. I just meant to peek in to see if you were even here or not. I can go, if you want." He hovered near the tent entrance.
Bellamy grunted a noise that sounded like a negative. After a moment he exhaled loudly and sat up. "No, come in." He shook his head like he was trying to clear it and finally looked up at Jasper again. "Please come in."
Jasper hesitated, but then went into the tent and stood there, not too far from where Bellamy was sitting, and not to close either. He suddenly wasn't sure why he came. "I thought you'd be out," he said, shoving his hands in his pockets for lack of anything better to do with them.
Bellamy buried his face in his hands, then looked up at him. He looked sleepy and disheveled and utterly exhausted. "I didn't think it was fair to go out without you," he said. "Sit down." He nodded at the end of his blankets. "You okay?"
Jasper nodded, then sat where Bellamy had indicated, at the edge of the blanket. "I had a dream. Well, it started as a dream, then got…strange. Bad… It..." He trailed off. "I figured you'd kept going out without me while I was recovering."
Bellamy still looked sleepy, but his gaze was fixed on Jasper's face. "I dream too." He rubbed a hand through his hair. "Sorry. S'like I've got cobwebs in my head. We had an agreement. Go after the Mountain Men together." Bellamy looked up at Jasper, and for the first time that night, his lips curled in a tiny smile. "I'll keep my end of the deal."
Jasper kept to himself that he didn't realize their deal to kill the Mountain Men together meant that Bellamy wasn't able to go out on his own. Jasper liked that Bellamy had thought that was the case. It meant Bellamy wasn't putting himself in danger alone.
Jasper resisted the urge to smooth a patch of hair that was sticking straight up on Bellamy's head after he had run his fingers through it, and thought back to what dream Maya had said. You know who is really guilty. And it's not your friends.
That first part still didn't seem like something Maya would say. She wouldn't want him really blaming anyone. But the second part… she definitely wouldn't want him blaming his friends.
"Good," Jasper said, then lifted a hand to run through his own hair before he remembered it was gone. He was getting used to it, but he still forgot sometimes.
He dropped his hand. "You, ah… wanna talk about it? Your dream, I mean." Why had Bellamy almost called Jasper's name?
Bellamy's gaze went far away for a moment. "Not sure if you want to hear it," he said, but his tone of voice made Jasper think he wanted to talk about it. "It's...Mount Weather."
He sighed. "I was hiding there for...well, it felt like weeks, even though it wasn't. And…" Bellamy flickered a glance at him and then away. "She helped me. I can't…" He inhaled shakily. "I can't forget that."
Jasper pressed his lips together. Bellamy was dreaming about Maya too. Jasper looked away from Bellamy, but didn't tell Bellamy to stop. He was glad Bellamy dreamed of Maya too. It meant Bellamy was sorry. Or at least Jasper hoped that was what it meant. He wouldn't know for sure until Bellamy finished his story.
Bellamy swore and looked around. "Where's my canteen?" He found it after a moment and took a long drink. Then he held it out to Jasper. "Need a drink?"
He sighed. "She helped me, and I failed her. And I see those kids...their faces…" He shook his head. "God, Jasper, I'm so fucked up."
Jasper took the canteen and sniffed at it, relieved when he didn't smell anything. Just water.
Or was he relieved? Their conversation was heading into uncomfortable territory…
No. I promised Monty. Just air.
Jasper took a long drink, wondering what to say. What could he say that didn't hurt? By all rights, he could ask Bellamy how he dared to talk about Maya.
But… no. Bellamy was hurting. Maybe he wasn't as directly hurt by Maya's death, but he regretted it. And Maya wouldn't want Jasper to hate him, or hurt him more. And if Jasper was honest, he didn't have it in him any more. He was fighting the urge to comfort Bellamy.
"I know," Jasper said finally. He swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. "She… she would have forgiven you."
Bellamy met his eyes briefly. "Maybe," he mumbled, "but I can't forgive myself." He rubbed his hands over his face again; it was almost like he was hiding from Jasper's gaze. "I tried to talk Clarke out of it," he whispered. "But I didn't try very hard."
Jasper licked his lips, then took another drink before handing it back to Bellamy. He remembered what Octavia had said to him the night she'd woken him up in his tent. The night after Bellamy had gone out into the woods drunk after fighting with Jasper.
Bell'd halfway fallen for Clarke. He was sure as hell under her spell of leadership.
"Clarke is… was…" Jasper trailed off, not knowing what to say. If Bellamy still loved Clarke, what could he say?
Well, he could say a lot of things, but it could jeopardize Bellamy's agreement to go find the Mountain Men with him.
"Forceful?" Bellamy suggested. "Hard to say no to?" He gave Jasper a rueful look. "Thing is, she asked if I had a better idea. And I didn't. What kind of leader am I, if I couldn't come up with any alternatives?"
"I don't know," Jasper answered honestly. He drew his knees against his chest and hugged them. "I'm sure you've thought about it a lot since then, though. Have you come up with any you missed?"
"That's the worst damn part," Bellamy said. "I haven't. I still don't know what would have been better. Not killing anyone. But they were already killing our people. Raven could have died. They'd already tried to kill Monty. I just--" He buried his face in his hands and made a noise that was just barely not a sob. "--how could we have gotten out of there without killing people? Children? Maya?"
"I could have killed Cage," Jasper offered quietly, but his gaze was soft on Bellamy. He knew, from his talks with Maya, that Bellamy couldn't have known how quickly that would have happened, and didn't feel like they could risk it. "But you couldn't trust that," he finished.
"I wish I had, trusted it," Bellamy said. "I wish--" He shook his head. "But I might not have talked Clarke into it. Cage was torturing her mother. It must have been awful to watch. If that had been Octavia…"
Jasper nodded… then emotion flooded him as something hit him. He said it out loud. "If Maya had been one of us…" he trailed off.
Bellamy looked over at him. "What?" he prompted. "If she'd been one of us…?"
Jasper's face twisted and he dropped it against his knees. "If she'd been… if they were going to kill her, and I knew the radiation wouldn't…" He forced himself not to tear up, but his voice choked on his last words. "I would've… I probably would've pulled the switch too."
Understanding washed over Bellamy's face. "Oh, God, Jasper," he murmured, and reached out a hand to him. He didn't actually touch Jasper, though. He dropped his hand to the blanket between them. "I'm sorry," he said finally.
"Why?" Jasper said immediately. He looked down at Bellamy's hand, knowing grief was flooding his expression. "You…" Jasper swallowed, the words he was about to speak feeling heavy and thick. "You didn't do anything I wouldn't have done. Now that I think about it. Given the right circumstances."
He let out a heavy breath, swallowing a sob. "Maybe next time we'll be in reversed positions."
Bellamy gripped his hand. "That doesn't mean I can't be sorry," he whispered. "You were so happy, and I...I'm sorry, Jasper."
Jasper found himself turning his hand so he could curl his fingers with Bellamy's. "I know you are," he admitted. "I know." He drew a shaky breath. "But I would have crushed your happiness in a heartbeat to have mine, if our positions had been reversed."
God, why was this hitting him now?
He felt himself collapse against Bellamy's shoulder. "I forgive you," he whispered.
Bellamy let out a shaky breath and wrapped his arms around Jasper. From the ragged breathing, he seemed to understand how Jasper felt. "Jasper," he finally whispered. His arms were strong around Jasper, holding him securely enough that Jasper almost felt safe.
God, it felt good.
Jasper wrapped his arms around Bellamy too, holding him tightly. He didn't know what to say now, so he just squeezed Bellamy close.
But after a while, he felt a little awkward. "I should go back to bed," he murmured. "Sorry for waking you up." He started to pull away.
Bellamy laughed faintly. "No. Thank you," he said. He paused just long enough for it to feel awkward, then said, "I...don't suppose you'd want to stay here? Just tonight?"
Jasper stilled, then considered it. He drew in a deep breath. "I already told Monty to go back to sleep," he said.
Bellamy hummed thoughtfully. "Good. Stay here." He tilted his head, meeting Jasper's gaze. "We might both sleep better."
Jasper watched him for a moment, wondering what it meant if he stayed here… But Monty was probably asleep, and Jasper and Bellamy had just shared something Jasper couldn't explain.
"Where?" Jasper asked, looking around the tent.
"Take Monty's spot." Bellamy scooted over. "I'll share." He gave Jasper a smile that was sleepy again, but it was inviting.
If Jasper had more nightmares tonight, Bellamy would understand. Jasper knew that now. And if Bellamy had another nightmare… for the first time, Jasper thought he might understand too.
***
Bellamy woke up and stared at the tent canvas over his head. He hadn't dreamed that conversation last night, had he? Jasper had actually come here, woken him up, and said he forgave him?
He turned his head slightly. That definitely wasn't a girl's head pressed against his shoulder, and there wasn't enough hair for it to be Monty.
Bell turned his head a little more, breathing in the scent of Jasper's hair. This might be his only chance, after all, and no way was he going to waste it. After a moment, he closed his eyes. He wondered if he could drift back to sleep.
"Mmmm," Jasper hummed. He shifted closer, then turned and wrapped his arms around Bellamy. "You can't," he mumbled quietly, then pressed his face to Bellamy's neck.
Bell smiled, eyes still closed. "Can't what?" Jasper must not be awake yet.
"Die," Jasper said, and from the light, floaty sound of his voice, he was definitely not awake.
"Mm. 'll try not to," Bell mumbled. He snuggled a little closer and yawned. How long could this last? Part of him didn't want Jasper to wake up yet.
Jasper mumbled something that Bellamy couldn't quite understand, but stayed still for a while. Bellamy knew he shouldn't be enjoying the way Jasper's lean body felt against his, or the tickle of Jasper's breath against his neck, but he did. Damn it, he did.
Eventually Jasper drew a long breath and huffed it out, shifting away a little, but not completely out of Bellamy's hold. "I'm…" he said sleepily. "I'm sorry." Bellamy turned his head to see Jasper looking at him, eyes a little wide.
He was probably looking at Jasper with way too much affection. He had no idea what Jasper could read in his expression, but he couldn't make himself pull away. "For what?" he asked, his voice quiet.
Jasper's expression went a little odd, but not necessarily in a bad way. "I didn't mean to…" Jasper trailed off. "I guess I thought I was with Monty for a minute." He pulled away from Bellamy then and rolled onto his back, half in the dirt.
Bell huffed a laugh. "I didn't mind," he said. I liked it more than I should, he thought. "Sleep okay?"
"Better than usual," Jasper admitted, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand. He glanced over at Bellamy. "I didn't mind it either," he said, something oddly timid in those words.
Bell smiled at him, a little hesitantly. "I slept pretty well, too. And...I'm glad you didn't mind." He thought of Raven saying it was okay for him to want Jasper. He still wasn't sure he believed it, but at least Jasper didn't seem to hate him anymore.
"Sun's out," Jasper murmured. There were a couple of thin spots in the tent where sun could shine through. Jasper didn't move to get up, though, sun up or not. Bellamy wondered how long he could lay here with Jasper… or if Jasper might move back into his arms now that he was fully awake.
"Mm-hmm." Bell yawned and stretched. He tore his gaze away from Jasper's face. If he didn't quit staring, Jasper would figure it out, and Bellamy wasn't quite ready for that. Might never, actually, be ready for that.
Jasper rolled a little closer again, letting his eyes flutter shut. "The dizzy spells have stopped," he murmured, and Bellamy knew what that meant. Jasper was ready to start hunting Mountain Men.
"What about your side?" It didn't seem to have been bothering him, but Bellamy didn't want to start their hunt too early and threaten the stitches healing.
"Better," Jasper said. "Still hurts a little if I forget about it and twist the wrong way, but it's healing fine." He opened his eyes and met Bellamy's gaze. "I think I can go out."
Bellamy held in a sigh. He'd known this moment would come, but he hadn't looked forward to it. "Okay." He pressed his lips together for a moment, then said, "Let's take a walk in the woods today, then. During the day. Check stuff out, try to look normal, that kind of thing."
Jasper smiled at that, looking at little relieved that Bellamy wasn't going to make him stay in the camp convalescing any more. "Sounds good to me," he said, then closed his eyes again. "Later, though." His forehead pressed against Bellamy's shoulder.
Bell grinned and closed his eyes. "Sure. Later."
He was starting to drift back into sleep when he heard footsteps outside approaching the tent. "Bellamy, are you awake?" called Monty. "I can't find Jasper."
Bellamy wasn't sure if Jasper was still awake. He cracked his eyes open to find out, but before he could answer, Monty had ducked into the tent.
"Oh, hey, sorry--" Monty said, then stopped and stared.
"Just air," Jasper mumbled. "I promised." He didn't move, which made Bellamy wonder how awake he was.
"Huh?" Bellamy shifted a little and jerked his head for Monty to come on inside. "Jasper woke me up last night," he said to Monty. "Nightmare. He stayed and talked."
"And then stayed and slept," Monty said, his tone a little cautious. He ducked under the flap, then walked to the middle of the tent before settling on the ground.
"Yeah." Bell yawned and then shifted his shoulder gently out from under Jasper's head so he could sit up. It seemed weird to just lie there while talking to Monty. He glanced down at Jasper, then said, "I think it was good."
Jasper shifted a little, then stretched and blinked his eyes open, looking blearily at the top of the tent.
"What?" Monty asked.
"That we talked." Bellamy thought about what he'd just said, gauged it against Monty's confusion, and felt himself blush. "We talked, and then we slept," he said, trying to emphasize the last word enough that Monty would understand, without making Jasper think he didn't want to do more than sleep.
God, Bellamy was so stupid.
"Oh," Monty said, nodding and picking the hem of his shirt. A crooked smile crossed his face, and Bellamy followed his gaze as Monty watched Jasper struggle to wake up. "I'm glad. That he came here. I was starting to worry he went out again."
"M'wake," Jasper muttered, then pushed himself up onto his forearms. "You don't have to talk about me like I'm not here."
Bell snorted. "I'm glad he came here, too," he said, grinning at Monty. Then he looked down at Jasper, his grin softening. "And I think Monty was just trying not to wake you up." Bellamy was a little sorry he had woken. It had been nice, having a sleepy Jasper in his bed.
Jasper made an unhappy noise, rubbing the top of his head. "I shouldn't sleep this late anyway," he complained. "It was just… nice. For a change."
Monty chuckled. "Now you see why I turned to another when you scorned me?" he teased.
Jasper laughed, then grabbed a clump of dirt and threw it at Monty.
"Hey, my floor!" Bellamy complained, but he was grinning. "Just because Monty left you for me, you don't have to destroy my home."
Jasper laughed a little more at that, and Bellamy couldn't deny the little tug of something in his chest. Seeing Jasper like this… it was almost like the old Jasper was back. The Jasper before Mount Weather.
Jasper put a hand over his side as he laughed, over the spot where the Grounder had cut him open, and Bellamy wondered if it was bothering him more than he let on.
"That's what you get with Jasper lately. Destruction." Monty was still smiling, but he was watching Jasper as if he was gauging his reaction.
Jasper's laughter died down, and the smile on his lips turned rueful.
Bellamy didn't disagree with Monty, but he didn't like seeing Jasper's smile change. "Destruction and cuddling," he replied, nudging Jasper's shoulder. "It's a very strange combination."
Jasper pressed his lips together, and for a moment, Bellamy worried he'd misspoken, but then Jasper smiled again.
"You have to admit, I'm good at both," he said, his voice not sounding quite right, though he didn't seem angry or upset.
"Not arguing," Bellamy said, and glanced over at Monty. "I don't suppose you brought breakfast or coffee?"
Monty shook his head, then his eyebrows shot up and he shifted, fishing something out of his back pocket. "It's not much," he said, handing a packet that looked a bit smushed over to Bellamy. It was some kind of granola. "I was too worried looking for Jasper to get proper food," he said, shrugging.
Jasper snatched it out of Bellamy's hands, opening it and dumping some in his hand before handing it back.
Bell grinned. "I was just joking, but thanks." He glanced at Jasper and decided he didn't seem too upset about Monty being worried about him. "We could all go get breakfast now," he suggested.
Jasper was chewing on the handful of granola he'd dropped into his mouth, but nodded. "Yeah," he managed, through a full mouth.
"Sounds good to me," Monty said, eying Jasper.
Bell looked at Jasper, then back at Monty, laughing. "And we'd better go before Jasper starves."
***
Jasper spent most of the day feeling anxious. He was ready to leave camp and go find the Mountain Men. His side was bothering him more than he let on, but he wasn't going to let that stop him.
Still, he parted with Monty and Bellamy after breakfast, and busied himself with other people, trying not to get too worked up about anything to the point of finding his stash of hooch.
He was in his tent, sharpening his makeshift knife when Bellamy found him. He wondered if Bellamy would let him have the Grounder blade. If he was going to have to wear another scar from it, he might as well keep the weapon.
"Are you ready?" he asked Bellamy, not bothering to even say hello.
"Question is, are you ready?" Bellamy crouched in front of Jasper, holding his gaze. Despite the teasing tone of his question, his eyes were serious. "Really, Jasper, are you sure you're ready?"
Jasper nodded. He wasn't going to let a few aches and pains stop him. "Yeah," he said, holding Bellamy's gaze, and for a moment, letting himself appreciate Bellamy's eyes. He really should stop. He'd appreciated Bellamy's appearance a little too much when he'd woken up in Bellamy's arms.
It had been nice, though. Too nice. Comforting.
Bellamy pressed his lips together, but he placed a hand on Jasper's shoulder for a moment and nodded. "Okay, then. Let's get out there. I'm not looking for any fights today. Just information. You good with that?"
"Yeah," Jasper said, pushing himself up to stand. He didn't say that they got what they got out there, and if they had to fight, they would. He didn't think that was the reply Bellamy wanted. "Do you still have that grounder sword?"
Bellamy hesitated, then took the sword from his belt. He'd been wearing it, which seemed weird since he already had a knife and was so in love with his gun. But maybe he'd decided to take a page out of Octavia's book.
"Do you know how to use one?" Bellamy asked. "We could probably talk Lincoln into giving us some lessons, as long as we're casual about it."
Jasper's lips twisted, remembering how easily Dante Wallace had disarmed him when Jasper had the sword at Mount Weather, but he didn't say that. Jasper just took the sword and tucked it carefully in his own belt. "That might not be a bad idea," he said, though truthfully he wasn't sure it would be so hard. You just swing with it and try to get the sharp parts to land where you wanted.
"Octavia's been giving me grief about us not being all buddy-buddy," Bellamy confessed. "I mean, I trusted the man to get me into Mount Weather and take care of my sister while I was in there. What more does she want?" He snorted. "But anyway, I figure I could tell her the lessons are just an excuse to hang out with him. And I can tell him the truth. Well," he said, "part of the truth. That I want to know how to handle anything the Ground throws at us. That I don't ever want to feel helpless while I watch y--someone fight a Grounder again."
He shrugged and looked away. "Anyway. Can't hurt."
Jasper nodded, then walked past Bellamy and pushed open the flap of his tent to exit. He held it for Bellamy to follow him, then squinted around the camp, looking for the weak spot in the guard that surrounded the perimeter that he'd seen earlier today. "Octavia wants me to make friends with Lincoln too," he said. "He seems like a good guy, but he's so serious."
Bellamy chuckled. "We could see if he laughs at any of our old Earth jokes. Come on. This way." He struck off at a casual pace towards the perimeter. It didn't take long for Jasper to realize Bellamy was heading for the weak spot he'd seen. "This is how I got out last time," Bell said, "and I was careful not to tell Octavia that."
"She probably already knows about it," Jasper said, then followed Bellamy when he ducked outside the fence. He readjusted his weapons when he straightened again, then glanced around them. "Head in the direction of Mount Weather?"
"We could. Or we could check out the spot where the Grounders attacked us." Bellamy scanned their surroundings. "I'm not as good a tracker as Lincoln, but we could see if there's anything there." He glanced over at Jasper. "I wasn't kidding about not looking for a fight today. I know there are no guarantees, and if we get a fight, we fight. But today is about making sure you're fit." There was concern in his brown eyes.
For a moment, Jasper couldn't look away. He stared into Bellamy's warm gaze for too long, and then Bellamy broke the shared gaze and Jasper snapped himself out of it.
"I'm fit," Jasper replied, and started walking.
"I believe that you think you are," Bellamy said, keeping up with him. He kept glancing at Jasper in between scanning their surroundings.
Jasper sighed, but decided not to argue. It wouldn't do him any good anyway. After a moment, he paused, and looked at Bellamy. "I, ah… I have no idea where we were when the Grounders attacked us," he said, feeling a little sheepish. Between the alcohol and the beating, Jasper had very little memory of that night.
Bellamy flashed him a warm look. "You had a few other things on your mind that night," he said. "Don't worry. I remember it all too well."
Though he'd spoken lightly, the further they got into the trees, the darker his expression got. Jasper didn't think Bellamy looked angry, but he wasn't sure what was going through his head. He definitely got more vigilant the further they got from camp, but that made sense. It was the strain in his expression that was odd.
They walked for a while, Jasper following Bellamy, his eyes darting from Bellamy's solid frame to the woods around them. Eventually Bellamy stopped, his gaze on the ground, and Jasper followed it to a dark smudge on the ground.
It was where he'd slipped in blood, he remembered vaguely.
Jasper looked around them for the Grounders Bellamy had had to kill. "Where are their bodies?" he murmured. Of course, it was entirely possible the Grounders had reclaimed them, but Jasper thought the camp would have heard about it if they had found two of their people dead.
"I think Lincoln...took care of them," Bellamy said, his voice rough. "He didn't want it sparking another feud." He crouched, studying the small clearing. "That's where the first one tried to kill you." He pointed, his eyes darkening.
Jasper looked at the spot on the ground where Bellamy was pointing, rubbing his neck absently. "Almost succeeded," he muttered.
Bellamy exhaled slowly. "My gun jammed," he whispered. "I didn't…" He wiped a hand over his mouth. "I almost wasn't in time."
Jasper let out a breathy laugh, which made Bellamy frown. "Wouldn't have mattered to me," he breathed. "At the time."
That made Bellamy choke out a laugh. "You were fighting pretty hard for someone who wanted to die," he said.
Jasper shrugged, feeling a smile tug his lips. "Instinct?" he said.
"Not convinced." Bellamy cleared his throat and stood up. "For the record, Jasper, I'm glad you fought." His gaze was serious. "I'm glad you lived."
Jasper's half-smile turned into a smirk. "I figure you wouldn't have gone to the trouble of saving me if you didn't mind the idea of me dying," he said, trying to ignore the way Bellamy was looking at him made his chest ache.
Bellamy snorted and wandered across the clearing, gaze on the ground. "You see anything out of the ordinary here?"
Jasper glanced around, his hand going absently to the hilt of the sword on his hip. He shrugged. "No. Not here. Should we keep going?"
"Sure." Bellamy shook his head. "What is this guy up to?" he muttered. "Okay, let's go over what we know." He came back to Jasper and looked around, obviously orienting himself. "While we walk towards Mount Weather, I guess."
"We know Emerson is still alive, probably. Maybe others. We know he, or they, probably aren't very pleased with us. You, Monty and…" Jasper hesitated, then forced himself to say her name. "And Clarke, especially."
Bellamy nodded. "That makes sense. He got the treatment, and he was Cage's go-to guy. I wouldn't be surprised if he was out for revenge." He glanced over at Jasper. "Monty might not be as big a target. Clarke knew Emerson, so I'm willing to bet he knew her, too. And he'd definitely recognize me as the fake guard running around inside Mount Weather. But he didn't know for sure who was in the control room with Clarke."
He shook his head. "We can hope, anyway."
"Yeah," Jasper agreed. He swallowed hard, and looked ahead as he walked.
Bellamy hadn't seemed bothered when he'd mentioned Clarke's name. Maybe he was getting over her, Jasper thought, and tried not to hope too much that it was true.
"I can deal with being a target." Bellamy's voice was low. "Hell, I deserve it. Clarke, too, if she were around, but I'm sure she's long gone by now." He watched the ground as he walked, maybe scanning for clues, maybe just trying not to lose his footing. "But Monty doesn't. None of the rest of them do. So if he threatens innocent people, I'll take him out happily."
I'll take him out. I get to do it, Jasper thought, but he didn't say that. He couldn't predict how confronting him would go, though, so Jasper just hoped the situation would put him in that position when it came time. "He did threaten innocent people," Jasper muttered. "He's already guilty."
"Good point," Bellamy said. He glanced around, then held up a hand. "Hang on," he murmured. "Do you see that?"
He pointed, and Jasper followed it to a scrap of fabric hooked on an outcropping of stone ahead of them. It looked like a good place for an ambush to Jasper. The narrow space in between the outcroppings would be a good place for someone to lie in wait. For all they knew, Emerson could be waiting for them to be bunched up in there, limiting their escape route.
Jasper licked his lips, his senses going on full alert. "Yeah," he said, lowering his voice and slowly drawing the knife from his belt, knowing the larger sword would be more awkward to maneuver in the tight space.
He started to move forward, toward where the fabric was hanging, trying to listen hard for any sounds. He could make out writing on the fabric, but couldn't read it yet.
Bellamy fell in close behind him, walking sideways so he could watch Jasper's back but still keep an eye on things behind him. It felt natural to be working with Bellamy like this. Jasper wasn't sure what that meant.
"Can you see what it is?" Bellamy whispered.
Jasper shook his head, then remembered Bellamy might not have been looking at him. "Not yet," he murmured, inching closer. When he got close enough, he reached out and closed his fingers on the fabric.
He turned the letters to face him, and felt a wash of cold when he read what it said. "Emerson," he whispered. "It's his name tag."
"Shit." Bellamy must not have noticed Jasper stopping, because he took one more step, and his back pressed against Jasper's. "So he was here."
Jasper didn't shift away from Bellamy. It felt comforting. Safe. "Should we go through?" he whispered.
Bellamy was silent for a moment. "This would be a good place for an ambush," he said. "But we have to get through. What do you want to do?"
Jasper steeled himself, straightening up a little. "Let's go," he said, and started to work his way up onto the rock before pushing himself through them, his eyes darting around for any spot someone could fit behind and hide.
Bellamy kept close to him, and Jasper found it wasn't hard to trust him to watch his back. Bellamy stayed close enough that they were always touching, just barely. There was no noise except the usual bird calls and wind in the leaves as they made their way through the small pass.
When Jasper finally got to the opening at the other side, he raised his knife and jumped out, spinning quickly in both directions, ready for an attack. But there was nothing.
Jasper actually found himself disappointed, his chest aching uncomfortably. He looked back at Bellamy, who seemed to realize from Jasper's face that nothing was there. Still, Jasper said, "clear," and kicked absently at a rock.
Bellamy arched an eyebrow at him as if he knew exactly what Jasper was feeling, but he didn't comment on it. Instead he crouched, looking at the ground around the entrance to the pass. "Look. There're footprints here."
Jasper walked over to where Bellamy was and eyed the impressions in the ground. They looked fresh. The breeze hadn't covered them up with debris yet. "Must've just missed him." Jasper looked around a bit more, noting only one set of prints. "Looks like he was alone."
"Maybe he's working solo. Maybe he's the only one who got out." Bellamy stood and stretched, glancing about casually. "And maybe he's still around," he murmured, "watching us."
Jasper tensed, his gaze darting around them, his grip tighter on his knife. "Should we follow the prints?" he murmured.
"Relax," Bellamy muttered. "If he's watching, we don't want him to know we know." He stepped closer to Jasper, his body language casual, though he was looking over Jasper's shoulder. "Do you want to follow them?" he asked, keeping his voice down.
"Yes," Jasper said automatically, his voice hushed. He needed to kill Emerson.
Bellamy huffed, his lips curling up slightly, and met Jasper's eyes for just a moment. There was warmth and understanding in his gaze, but just a little exasperation in his voice when he said, "Jasper, this isn't a race. Let's make sure we're ready to take him on before we tip our hand." He flicked a glance upwards. "Besides, we're losing the light."
Jasper looked up at the sky, feeling a rush of something that was like a mix of disappointment and relief. It was getting darker. "We might never find prints this fresh again," he muttered.
"It's possible," Bellamy said. "But we already know he's hanging out in this area. He was here the night we ran into the Grounders, and he's been here today." He turned in a slow circle, eyes scanning the trees. "But I don't think he's here right now, and I'm willing to bet he'll be back here in a day or two."
Jasper nodded, trying to push away his disappointment. It made sense that they wouldn't find Emerson on their first day. That would have been too lucky. But it still hurt. Jasper wanted to end the pain in his chest that arose whenever he thought of Maya.
"Yeah," he muttered, and started making his way back to the narrow opening in the stones.
"Hey, don't get discouraged," Bellamy said, following him. "We found some good clues today. We're a step closer."
"A step closer now, but if we leave, we'll be farther away," Jasper said, his voice flat. He knew they needed to go back. Bellamy was right. Jasper hoisted himself back into the crevasse between the stones.anyway. "It's fine," he said, sliding into the rock.
He heard Bellamy sigh behind him, but at least he stopped talking. It took a lot less time to get back to the spot where they'd been attacked, now that they weren't tracking. Bellamy caught up to Jasper at some point, falling in next to him.
Part 5
