Weathering the World, Jasper/Bellamy, R (The100) - Part 3/5

[innerslytherin]

Title: Weathering the World
Authors: innerslytherin & severity_softly
Fandom: The 100
Pairing/Characters: Jasper/Bellamy, Monty, Octavia, Lincoln, Raven
Rating: R (for violence/blood, lots of drunkenness, and language)
WC: ~43,400
Notes: Set immediately after the season two finale, "Blood Must Have Blood: Part 2". Inspired in part by Jasper spoilers in this article for the season three premiere. Also, we realize we're posting this just the day before the season three premiere, so it will very likely be AU very quickly. Read fast! ;)
Summary: After Maya's death, Jasper becomes reckless… But Bellamy refuses to let him destroy himself.

Part 1 | Part 2

Bellamy didn't drink as much of the stolen hooch as he'd planned to. When he got back to his tent, Monty was there, doing his best to pretend he hadn't heard Bellamy and Jasper shouting at each other. Bell decided to take that at face value. He got ready for bed and, after a few swallows of the hooch, dropped into an exhausted sleep.

He actually slept for a few hours without dreaming, but eventually it started.

First the laughter of children, which was how it often started. Bellamy was creeping through the halls of Mount Weather, dressed like a guard, and he could hear children laughing. He peered into a room where four girls and a boy were chasing each other in circles. Tag. It was a game.

Bellamy emptied his gun into the room, dropping the children in their tracks. Then he moved on to the next room. Somewhere inside him he was screaming that this was wrong, this wasn't what he wanted to do, but he couldn't control his own body.

Then Maya was there, her face burned by radiation. One side of her face was almost gone, the flesh had burned so badly. She grinned at him. "You're next," she said. "They'll burn you, but you'll never die. You're not good enough to die."

Then he was surrounded with people, most of them from Mount Weather, but Atom was there too, and Charlotte, and Finn. They were all moaning his name, reaching out for him, their hands glowing. And over their heads, he could see Jasper, his face and throat still bruised from the Grounder attack. Jasper grinned at him, blood trickling from the corners of his mouth.

"Way to get me killed, Bellamy," he said. "Now we'll make you pay."

Bell jerked awake, swallowing his screams. He sat up, breathing hard, and looked around. It was dark, but he could hear Monty breathing. Wait, there was a snore. Good. He hadn't woken Monty up.

He drew his knees up and leaned on them, wiping his face with shaking hands. This wouldn't do. He had to get out of the compound. He needed some air.

He fumbled at his side until he found the bottle of hooch. He shook it, decided there was just enough to make it worthwhile, and chugged the rest of the bottle. He wiped his mouth and sighed. Damn Jasper for bringing all of this up. That nightmare had been the worst one in a while.

He stood up and dressed quickly, tucking a knife in his boot. He shouldered his gun and, at the last minute, snagged the sword he'd taken from the Grounder the other night. He stepped carefully over the sleeping Monty and was almost out of the tent when Monty spoke.

"What are you doing?"

Bell sucked in a breath. "Nothing. Go back to sleep."

Monty hesitated, and Bell could hear him draw a steadying breath. "What are you doing?" he repeated, more insistence in his voice.

He ought to just leave. Monty couldn't stop him. "Can't sleep," he bit out. "I'm going to get some air." Outside the fence.

Monty made a thoughtful noise. "I need some air too," he said, standing and moving closer to Bellamy. "Mind if I join?"

"Kind of wanted to be alone," Bell said. Seriously, of all the times for Monty to start being pushy. He took a step away from him. "Clear my head," he added.

Monty stopped walking. He was halfway to Bellamy. "We don't need to talk," he said gently.

"You don't really want to go," Bell said, his tone flat. "Not where I'm headed." He couldn't quite suppress a bitter chuckle. "We all go to hell alone, anyway."

"What the hell does that mean?" Monty said. Bellamy heard his footsteps again, and then a hand curled around his elbow. "I can help."

Some part of Bellamy wanted to lean into that touch, wanted to relish the fact that someone gave a damn about him. But Jasper was right. Both Jaspers. The one lying drunk in his tent and the one in his dream. He shook Monty's hand off. "No one can help. You'd be better off helping Jasper. At least he deserves it."

"You deserve it too," Monty said, sounding flustered, then he jumped around in front of Bellamy. "You have to deserve it. If you don't, neither do I."

Bellamy dropped his head until his chin almost touched his chest. "Yeah? Did you torture your sister's boyfriend? Did you string someone up just for kissing her?" He glared at Monty. "Did you let a little girl throw herself off a cliff to save your life, Monty?" He gave a hopeless little chuckle. "You ended up down here for stealing weed. I ended up down here for trying to murder the Chancellor."

Bell thought back to the faces from his dream and shivered. "You're a good guy. I'm not a good guy. Just let me go."

He shoved past Monty a little harder than he'd meant to and stalked out of the tent.

Monty wound up in the dirt, and Bellamy walked past him. "I'm not going to let you go," Monty said. "I know… you came down here for your sister." his voice was fading. Monty wasn't following him.

Good. He could get on with this. He shoved aside the fresh guilt for knocking Monty down. Monty would realize he was an asshole and let him go. Maybe he'd check on Jasper and make sure Jasper was okay.

Of course, there was always the possibility Monty would go to the guard. Bellamy didn't waste time. He jogged through the darkness to the spot he'd identified as the best way out, and waited for the guards to reach the furthest point on their patrol section. Then he was out and in the trees.

He'd start with the spot where he and Jasper had been attacked. Those Grounders had been up to no good, there was no question of that. They'd definitely killed someone there--or something--and that spot had been a lot closer to the Sky People camp than was comfortable.

And if the Grounders caught up with him while he was investigating...well, at least maybe he'd go out doing something useful.

He scoped around the area, finding the spot of blood. It was no longer wet and slick, but cruddy and congealed. No one seemed to be around, though, so he moved deeper into Grounder territory, being as quiet as he could be.

It wasn't long before he heard the clear signs of life from behind him.

"I think I see him," someone said, and it sounded like Monty.

Son of a bitch. Bellamy stopped walking. Monty wouldn't have followed him, would he? Not alone, definitely. He held his breath, listening.

If I can hear them, any Grounders around can definitely hear them. Him. Bellamy wanted to tell Monty to stop talking, but he really didn't want Monty to find him.

On the other hand, if Bellamy didn't stop him, Monty might get himself killed, and then Bellamy would have to throw himself off Charlotte's cliff.

He exhaled slowly, cursing nosy nerd boys who decided you were their new friend, and went back the way he'd come. He was better at moving quietly in the forest than Monty, thanks to having more practice. He was almost close enough to touch Monty when he said, "If you don't shut up, the Grounders will hear you," in a very low voice.

"Us," Monty whispered, and to his horror, Bellamy glanced over and saw his sister was with Monty.

Bellamy shoved his face close to Monty's. "What the hell are you doing?" he whispered fiercely.

"You shoved me," Monty whispered. "You're an asshole sometimes, but I don't think you would've shoved me if you weren't… I dunno."

Bellamy glared at Monty, but he couldn't deny anything the other boy said. "I can't believe you brought my sister out here to follow me," he whispered.

Octavia eased up alongside Monty. "I am so killing you when we get back to camp, big brother," she said.

Bellamy felt a sudden, unexpected pang of sympathy for Jasper. He'd just come out here trying to...well, get himself killed...and someone kept getting in the way. Bell sighed softly. "I wanted to figure out what the Grounders were up to," he told her. He shot Monty another glare. "But fine. You win. Let's go back to camp."

"Lincoln doesn't think it's the Grounders," Octavia said, grabbing his elbow and dragging him towards them, obviously wanting to get Bellamy to camp. "Has nothing I've said to you sunk in?" she said.

"Which part?" he grumbled. "You didn't tell me Lincoln didn't think it was Grounders." He let her drag him, though. It occurred to him that Octavia, at least, would care if the Grounders killed him. Or whoever it was Lincoln thought was responsible.

"I just found out," Octavia said. Her grip loosened as Bellamy started to follow willingly. "None of the Grounder signatures are here. We're wondering if there's still a Mountain Man out there. Maybe the Grounders meant to attack them and found you and Jasper instead."

Bell's lips twisted in a bitter smile. "Didn't you hear, O? I irradiated Mount Weather. Pretty sure that killed everyone in it who wasn't a Sky Person."

Octavia frowned. "That's why Lincoln had to kill Cage outside later?" she asked. "If he got the treatment, others did."

"Come on," Bellamy scoffed. "Cage was the head honcho. Of course he was going to get the treatment before anyone else."

"Nope," Monty put in, earning himself a glare. "No, seriously, Bellamy, that's not how science works. You don't test an experiment on your most valuable subject. You make sure it won't kill you first."

Bellamy frowned. Now that they were talking about this… a memory tickled at the back of his thoughts. He'd been in the ducts, and he'd overheard Cage and… "There was a guard. Clarke sent him back with a message for Cage, and he got the treatment. They were talking about bombing Tondc, so I kind of fixated on that part."

"We just aren't sure who it is," Octavia said. Her voice went a little flat, "Or what their point is. Maybe they went a little crazy after everything happened."

Bell snorted. "We're all a little crazy down here," he muttered. "God. Jasper had the right idea." He suddenly wished he had gone back to talk to Jasper instead of coming out here. Not that it would have done any good, but he wanted to be around Jasper. Bellamy sighed. "Maybe it's just someone who wants to kill everyone he sees."

Monty's expression took on a knowing glance, and Bellamy saw him look at Octavia. Octavia's look was angry. "What do you mean Jasper had the right idea?!" she spat. "Jasper almost died!"

"Keep your voice down," Bellamy snapped. "Even if it wasn't Grounders who made that mess, they might be around. Not to mention whoever did spill all that blood."

"Don't avoid the question," Octavia hissed, lowering her voice.

"Just forget it, O," Bellamy said. "I'm going back with you, aren't I?"

"Like hell I'm going to forget it," Octavia said, but she looked toward camp. She reached her hand back to tug Bellamy again, but let go when he hurried his pace a bit.

Monty mouthed, "I'm sorry," from a few feet away.

Bellamy glared at him, but there was no heat to it. He should have known better than to be a jerk to Monty. He knew Monty still felt guilty for his own part at Mount Weather, and Monty was one of the genuinely nicest guys Bellamy knew. He'd only been trying to do what he thought was right. After a long moment, Bellamy took a sidestep and nudged Monty's shoulder with his own. Then he looked ahead at Octavia and kept walking.

Monty let himself be nudged to the side, then shifted back in line. "Sorry," he whispered, more audible this time.

"You did what you had to," Bell murmured. He glanced over at Monty and felt a stupid rush of affection for his friend. "No hard feelings."

Monty nodded, and then they walked back to the camp in mostly silence. Octavia had forced herself under Bellamy's arm by the time they'd gotten back, and Monty obviously didn't want to come between the siblings, but when he got to Bellamy's tent, he gave Octavia a serious look.

"I got him," he said.

Octavia hesitated, then handed Bellamy over. Bellamy stared in surprise at Monty. Octavia left and then Monty walked him into the tent.

Bellamy looked in bewilderment at his temporary roommate. "Thanks," he said after a moment. "I...didn't deserve that."

"Didn't deserve," Monty repeated, then guided Bellamy over to his bedroll. "You need to start believing you deserve more." He flopped Bellamy down on his bedroll, then sat on the dirt near him.

Bellamy sighed. "Have you missed the part where I'm responsible for hundreds of people dying? At what point do I even begin to think I deserve anything good? Jasper's right. I killed his girlfriend. And children. People who'd helped us. God, Monty, how can you even look at me?" He pressed his fingers against his eyes and wished he'd stolen a full bottle of Jasper's hooch. "I can't even look at me."

"I'm responsible for all that too," Monty said. "Maybe not...the same way, but…" Monty sighed and laid down next to Bellamy. "Enough."

Bellamy rolled onto his side so he could look at Monty. Monty, who was still sane. Who somehow believed there was hope in the world. No wonder Jasper had risked so much to save Monty in Mount Weather. Who wouldn't do anything to have a friend like Monty?

"Put that blame on me," he mumbled. The adrenaline of being outside, the despair from his dream, all of it was mixing into a weird exhaustion. "Not you. You're a decent guy, Monty." He closed his eyes. "Jasper's lucky."

Monty shook his head. " I wish I could put it on you. If I could forget, maybe I would."

Bellamy slid a hand out until it touched Monty's shoulder. "We'll get through this, huh," he mumbled. "Together." The ground felt like it was sliding out from under him. If he dropped off the edge, the dreams might be waiting… But maybe Monty would stay, even if they were.

Monty nodded, then took Bellamy's hand and slid it under his shoulder. Monty's head came to rest on Bellamy's shoulder. "Together," Monty said.


***


Jasper was asleep and not actually dreaming about anything when the monster broke into his tent and shook him awake.

Once he was awake enough to stop whimper-screaming and realize it was Octavia, he thought he might have preferred a monster.

"What," Octavia hissed, "did you do to my brother?"

"Whah?" he managed. He was only half-awake… and definitely hung over. Or maybe still a little drunk. Or both.. "What'dyou mean?"

"I mean," she said, leaning her face close to his, "that I just found my brother by himself in Grounder territory, half drunk, trying to get himself killed. And I only knew about it because Monty was worried about him." She dragged Jasper into a half-sitting position. "I like you, Jasper, but the whole damn camp knows you and Bellamy had a knock-down-drag-out earlier, so I'll repeat my question. What. Did you do. To my brother."

"I just,' Jasper said "I-- didn't do anything to him... and I didn't say anything to him that wasn't the truth."

Octavia lowered him gently enough to his bed and rocked back on her heels. "You'd better tell me everything, because I have never in my life seen my brother look like he did tonight."

""We argued," Jasper said. "But he really didn't want to." He shifted in his bed so he could sit up. "He tried to leave and I accused him of running away." He swallowed hard. "Like Clarke."

Octavia sighed and dropped back to sit on the ground. "You do get that Clarke broke my brother's heart by leaving, right?" she said. "God, Jasper, of all the things you could have said."

"Of all the things I couldn't care less about," Jasper said. "If it wasn't for Clarke, I might not be mad at Bellamy at all."

"Jasper, he only came here for me," she said. Her lips twisted unhappily. "The things he's had to do because he thought he was keeping me safe--" She ducked her head and took a deep breath. "I think he's trying to kill himself," she whispered. "All he ever wanted was to be in the guard on the Ark. Bellamy isn't some horrible person. He can be--controlling and overbearing, yeah, but he just wants to protect people. And I get he's made mistakes, but he's my brother, Jasper."

"He isn't some horrible controlling person," Jasper agreed. "Unless we're in danger. And then he thinks he--and Clarke--are judge and jury."

"We all do stupid things when the people we love are in danger," Octavia said. "Bellamy shot Jaha for me. I gave up my place in the Grounder army for Bellamy. And I know you were going to kill Cage for Maya. But she made her choices, too, Jasper. Don't you think you're cheapening her sacrifice when you act like this?" Her expression was hard, but her eyes were compassionate. "She chose to help us. She went all in with us. Protecting Bellamy inside Mount Weather. And he tried to protect her, but what should he have done? Killed Clarke to stop her from hurting Maya? Because there's no other way Clarke was going to stop, and Bell'd halfway fallen for Clarke. He was sure as hell under her spell of leadership."

She shook her head. "And now he's walking around, putting himself at risk because he thinks he's the worst person who ever fucking lived. So thanks for that."

"Thanks for--? Jasper gasped. "Thanks for that?" he asked. "I only ever blamed him for what he did. You can't blame me for him hating himself." He drew a deep breath.

"Maybe not," she said. "But I can blame you for making him act on it. Because from what I can tell, he was coping until he had saved your ass from the Grounders the other night."

"I told him to leave me alone," Jasper snapped. "I told him to go away."

"That makes it so much better," Octavia snapped back. "Listen, you're grieving. You have a right to that. But we've all had bad shit happen down here. You don't get some special prize for losing someone. So in the morning, when my brother's sober and hopefully a little saner, you can damn well help him." She gathered her feet under her in preparation to stand. "Who knows, maybe it'll even help you, too."

Jasper couldn't help staring at her, mouth open. "I don't get some special prize?" he hissed. He didn't want to fight with Octavia. God, he didn't want to… but now she somehow blamed him for Bellamy's guilt. "So if--when--you lose Lincoln, you want me to just expect you to 'buck up, soldier!'".

Octavia's face hardened. "A warrior doesn't worry about what she can't control," she said, and Jasper remembered her saying that to him, just minutes before he went to kill Cage. He opened his mouth to shout back at her, but she continued, "But I'm not telling you to buck up," she said. "You should grieve. That's proper. But you don't take it out on people who just want to help. Even if they make mistakes."

She reached out and put a hand on his arm. "Please, Jasper. We all just want to help. But you're not the only one who needs it. Bell needs help too. And the person he needs it from most is you."

"I--" God, he didn't want to help Bellamy. But Octavia wanted him to. And, from his one-sided conversations, Maya did too. "I never meant--"

Octavia squeezed gently. "The things we say to each other, those wound as deep as a sword. You might not have meant to," though her tone was unconvinced of that, "but you did."

Jasper drew a deep breath. "I'll try," he managed. He placed his hand over the wound on his side. "I'll try."


***


Bellamy woke up with Monty's face pressed against his neck, one of Monty's arms thrown across his chest, and the worst headache he'd had since waking up upside down in the Mount Weather harvesting chamber. He squinted up at the tent. He was pretty sure Monty was drooling on him. But all things considered, he actually felt better than he had the night before.

"Hey," he mumbled. "Wake up. I gotta piss."

"Mmmmphf," Monty mumbled. "Comf'tble." His hand squeezed him closer. Bellamy wasn't sure what to do until Monty opened his eyes. He blinked wearily at Bellamy, then his eyes widened as he woke up. "Oh, God, sorry," he muttered, pulling away from Bellamy.

Bell chuckled. "Don't apologize. Slept better'n I have in weeks." He pushed himself up slowly, waiting for the throbbing in his head to recede. The headache was unfair; he hadn't drunk enough to earn it. "Monty, thanks."

Monty's hand slid to Bellamy's waist. It was the last part of Monty not to pull away. "Thanks?" He said groggily, then realized his hand was at Bellamy's hip and pulled it away too. "For what?"

"Just...making sure I knew I wasn't alone," Bellamy said. He smiled faintly at Monty and got to his feet. "I promise, I'll be back as soon as I take a leak. You don't need to sic Octavia on me."

Monty let out a sigh that was halfway frustrated. "I only did that 'cause I was… I was afraid you'd die one me." He paused, then said with some sleepy mirth, "You can pee without dying, right?"

Bell snorted. "Last I checked, the privies were danger-free." He started to leave, then said, "And Monty--for the record, I think I'm glad you did that."

He made it to the privies and did his business without encountering anything more dangerous than a bucket. When he got back to the tent, Monty was half-asleep on the side of the bed closest to the tent wall. He held out a hand, and Bellamy slipped in beside him.

"You're glad I told Octavia?" Monty asked, leaning his head against Bell's shoulder. "I figured it was better than telling Kane or Abby."

"I think I'm glad," Bellamy mumbled. "She's going to be watching me like a hawk now, but that's...I think it's good. Definitely better than Abby." He was grateful to have trained doctors in camp, but he couldn't stand Clarke's mom.

Monty nodded, letting his eyes drift shut. A moment later, he shifted closer to Bellamy, and Bellamy couldn't help but smile to himself. Who knew Monty was so… snuggly? Bellamy wondered if he did this with Jasper.

Probably.

Bellamy put an arm around him and yawned, letting his own eyes shut. Maybe they could get a little more sleep.

He drifted for a while, never really sleeping, but not feeling totally awake either, until he heard a faint noise that sounded like someone was tapping on his tent flap.

"Monty?" It was Jasper's voice, though it sounded rough. "Bellamy?"

"Yeah," Bellamy said groggily, and Monty roused a bit.

Jasper pushed open the tent flap and peeked in, looking as rough as he sounded. "I, um--" He stopped talking, eyebrows shooting up at the sight of Monty in Bellamy's arms. "Sorry," he stammered, and darted back out of the tent.

"Jasper," Bellamy called after him, pushing himself into a sitting position. He glanced at Monty. "What's wrong with him? Aren't you straight?" he muttered, and went after Jasper. "Hey," he said at Jasper's retreating back. "What's up?"

Jasper spun around to face him, looking awkward. "I, uh... " He gestured at the tent. "I came to see…" He seemed to be searching for the words. "Monty."

Bellamy suppressed a grin. Jasper seemed really confused by the whole situation. For that matter, it probably did look a little strange, but then again, Jasper didn't know Monty had probably saved Bell's life last night. In a lot of ways. "I think he's awake now," Bell said. "Go on in." He stretched, yawned, and realized he was still wearing last night's clothes.

He looked back at Jasper's face to see Jasper was staring past him, and he couldn't quite read Jasper's expression. Determination, maybe? But why? Bellamy looked over his shoulder to see Monty had come out of the tent behind him. He looked a little sheepish, but wasn't dropping Jasper's gaze

After a moment, Jasper charged in Monty's direction, and Bellamy tensed, wondering if he'd have a fight to break up between the two childhood friends. But when Jasper got to Monty, he wrapped Monty in a tight embrace.

Monty looked stunned at first, but then hugged his friend back hard, his eyes filling with tears that spilled over when he closed his eyes. They stood like that for several heartbeats, then they broke apart.

Jasper shifted nervously, then reached up to scratch the back of his head. "I was gonna go get breakfast," Bellamy heard him say. "You wanna come?"

Monty stared at Jasper for a couple of seconds, then wiped his face off. "Yeah," he said. "I'm starving."

Bellamy didn't fight the pang of envy that sent through him. Was it just that easy for him? How did Monty see the world so differently from the rest of them? How could he afford such kindness? He shoved his hands in his pockets, feeling awkward suddenly. He was glad Jasper and Monty had patched things up. Maybe something Bell had said last night had gotten Jasper's attention, at least. But Bell couldn't help being a little wistful. He'd liked sharing a tent with Monty, to his surprise. He'd kind of miss him.

Jasper turned and looked at Bellamy, his smile fading. He pressed his lips together, then looked at the ground. "You can… come too," Jasper said, looking back up at Bellamy. There was something unsure in his gaze. "If you want."

Well, that was half-hearted. Bellamy glanced from Jasper to Monty, but got no guidance there. He looked back at Jasper. "Uh. You guys probably have a lot to catch up on…" he began reluctantly. He wanted to go, but he'd probably just put a damper on their making up.

He'd expected Jasper to look relieved, but he didn't. He just kept watching Bell with the same unsure look. Then his gaze wandered for a moment and he looked lost.

Glancing at Monty, Bellamy could see his lips twisting a little as he watched Jasper. His eyes moved from Jasper to Bellamy, then back to Jasper.

Finally, Jasper looked back at Bellamy. "Are you sure?"

Monty raised his brows and cocked his head a little at Bellamy in a way that looked encouraging.

Bellamy gave him a small smile. "Well, if you really don't mind," he said, taking a step towards them. He trusted Monty to know if Jasper meant it or not. He hoped Monty was right. He really wanted Jasper to mean it. "I'm starving."

Jasper nodded, looking unsure again, then headed towards the mess. Monty gave Bellamy an encouraging look, then followed. Bellamy followed after him.

When they got to the mess, they stood in line for their breakfast, then found a table at the far end of the room. It was noisy from all the early morning breakfast eaters, and Bellamy wished it was quieter, given that he still had a small twinge of headache annoying him.

Jasper took one bite of his breakfast, then looked a little nauseous and put his fork down.

"Um… Did you two sleep okay?" he asked, obviously hoping Monty and Bellamy would ignore that he looked a little queasy.

Bellamy glanced at Monty, wondering if that was really the question Jasper was asking. "I slept better than I have in weeks," he said after a moment. "Turns out, Monty's a good teddy bear." Hopefully it was okay to joke about that.

Jasper let out a small laugh, but it didn't sound quite right. "I know," he said, pushing his food around his plate a little. He didn't seem upset. Just awkward.

Monty cleared his throat. "Lincoln and Octavia don't think it's the Grounders who left that big blood spot out in the woods," he said.

Jasper's eyebrows shot up, interested, then pulled back down into a half-glare at Monty. It didn't look heated, though. "How do you know about that?" he demanded.

"I--" Monty said. His mouth worked for a moment, then he said, "You told me about it."

"No, I didn't," Jasper said.

"You were… drunk," Monty replied.

Jasper's frown deepened. "You're lying. You're a terrible liar."

Bellamy glanced over at Monty, then added, "You were seriously drunk last night," to back Monty up. Drunk enough to get under my skin, he thought, but he shoved more food in his mouth instead of saying it.

Jasper looked sheepish suddenly. He pushed his plate to the center of their table. "If either of you want this… chances are I'm going to hurl before the end of the day."

Monty pulled the plate toward him, still chewing his own bite of food.

"But I remember last night," Jasper said. "I didn't tell you." He raised an eyebrow at Monty.

Before Monty could dig himself in deeper, Bellamy said, "Octavia had some choice words for me last night, and Monty probably overheard, since there's so much privacy in this camp." He didn't suppose Monty wanted to Jasper know how much trouble Monty had taken to save Bellamy. Now that Bell thought about it, that might become a point of contention between them. He'd already screwed Jasper's life up enough. He didn't need to keep ruining his relationship with his best friend.

"Oh," Jasper said. He didn't seem convinced. Bellamy couldn't blame him, considering Bellamy and Monty were telling different stories. "Who does she think it is?"

"There were other people who'd had the treatment at Mount Weather," Bell said. "I'd forgotten about it until last night when O told me. But I overheard one of the guards, Emerson, talking to Cage about it, while I was in hiding." He shook his head. "Maybe some of them made it out of Mount Weather."

Jasper bit his lip, thinking. "On level five," he said, "there were people not wearing hazmat suits."

"Oh, yeah," Monty said. "I forgot bout that."

"Me too," Jasper said. Bellamy supposed it made sense. The events of Mount Weather happened in a bit of a blur.

"So there's someone out there who survived Mount Weather," Bell said. "Someone who's killing people."

"Why?" Jasper asked. "They'd have us and the Grounders after them, and they don't have the protection of Mount Weather anymore."

Monty shrugged, swapping his empty plate for the one Jasper had slid over. "Well, there's nothing stopping them from staying at Mount Weather, if they're immune to the radiation inside." He glanced over at Bellamy, gesturing to his plate. "You wan'some?" he asked, mouth half-full.

Bellamy looked down and saw that his own plate was almost empty. He scooted it over to Monty's and took some of the food. "Thanks. I can think of at least one reason a Mountain Man might come after us." He glanced at Jasper. "Revenge."

And Clarke was out there by herself. What if it had been Clarke who was killed? But no, if a Mountain Man was out for revenge, and had managed to kill Clarke, everyone in Camp Jaha would know it.

Stop worrying about Clarke, and worry about the people here, Bell told himself. Clarke could take care of herself. Clarke had abandoned them.

"But they'd have to know we outnumber them. By a lot," Jasper said. He was sitting straighter. The dark circles under his eyes weren't gone, but it was clear there was a light on somewhere in Jasper that had been out for a while.

"Because that would stop anyone, right?" Bellamy said sarcastically. "It didn't stop me, and I wasn't out for revenge." He glanced apologetically at Monty. Monty gave him a questioning look, then looked back at Jasper. Bellamy wished he could express to Monty how he was feeling more and more grateful that Monty told Octavia what he'd done last night.

"Mount Weather outnumbered us last time, and we came out on top," Jasper said, then seemed to think about what he just said and the brightness in his expression faded.

Bell took a slow breath. "Not in a way that made anyone happy," he said quietly. "And at way too high a cost." He finished his breakfast and studied Jasper's face. The other boy looked unhappy, yes, but he still looked better than he had since Mount Weather. Even with his hair missing. It made his eyes seem bigger, and they were more alert than they'd been recently.

"You're looking a lot less green around the gills," Bell remarked. "How are you feeling?"

"I feel like I might throw up everything I've ever eaten," Jasper admitted, but he half-smiled anyway.

Monty grinned. "No more hooch."

"No promises," Jasper said, and Bellamy was slightly disappointed until Jasper looked up and gave Monty a better smile. "Not for a while, probably. It's not--" Jasper drew in a long breath, then huffed it out. "It's not working." He darted a glance at Bellamy, then looked away.

Bellamy twisted his lips to the side. "Didn't work for me, either," he admitted in a low voice. He looked at Monty.

Monty grinned at him, too. "No more hooch for you either. Or whisky."

Bell laughed faintly. "That was the only bottle of whisky I found. But yeah. Okay. No more hooch for me, either. For a while, at least."


***


Jasper spent the rest of the day with Raven, and then Octavia and Lincoln. He'd realized he was much more likely to get drunk if he was alone, so he made an effort not to be. Plus, he remembered what Octavia said about Lincoln having given up all his friends when he aligned with the camp, and Jasper thought it must be hard for him.

Lincoln wasn't the most talkative guy, and he seemed fairly serious all the time--Jasper didn't expect them to be goofing off together any time soon--but he was nice enough, and Octavia seemed to appreciate Jasper trying.

She'd nudged him to the side before he left and asked if he'd gone to see Bellamy. When he told her he had this morning and was going to see him again tonight, Octavia had given him a brilliant smile and hugged him. "You can do this, Jasper," she murmured in his ear.

All he could manage was a faint laugh in reply.

He couldn't tell Octavia what he'd been thinking about all day. At least not until he'd run it by Bellamy.

Jasper made his way to Bellamy's tent, his gaze wandering through the camp and out across the treeline. When he tapped on Bellamy's flap, he waited for Bellamy to answer before ducking inside. He was relieved that Monty wasn't around.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," Bellamy said, his tone friendly. He was obviously in the middle of cleaning his gun, which made Jasper wonder if Bellamy was thinking along the same lines as him. "Uh, Monty's not here. He said something about playing cards with Miller and Harper."

Jasper drew a steadying breath--his hands had been shaking all day, probably a combination of alcohol withdrawals, hunger, and anticipation--then let it out. "I didn't come to see Monty."

The hesitant smile that been lurking on Bellamy's lips turned into a genuine one. "Okay. Pull up a blanket then. I have tea. Which...isn't as comforting as hooch, maybe, but we did promise Monty."

"Yeah," Jasper said. He still hurt. He still wanted to drink. He still wanted to hate Bellamy. But between Bellamy's honesty the night before, and Octavia's pleas--angry, scary pleas, but pleas none the less--Jasper felt like he should give Bellamy a chance. Besides, his anger was replaced by a new sense of purpose.

He sat next to Bellamy, a couple feet away on Bellamy's blanket. "Yeah, tea is fine."

Bellamy set his gun aside and poured a cup. "So...things are good with you and Monty?" he asked, holding out the cup.

Jasper took it, his fingers brushing with Bellamy's. Bellamy's fingers lingered slightly, then pulled away. When Jasper looked down at the cup, his hand felt tingly and he noticed it was shaking. He hoped Bellamy wouldn't notice.

"It--" Jasper bit his lip, then said, "It's going to take time, but… it's better."

Bellamy nodded. "It may not be my place," he said, his tone hesitant, "but you did good with him this morning. He needs you, Jasper."

"I need him," Jasper replied. He took a sip of tea. It was weak, but nothing tasted as good down here as it had on the Ark, where they'd had more resources.

Jasper wondered how much longer he should make small talk until he brought up his idea to Bellamy. "Thanks," he said, gesturing to the tea.

Bellamy smiled at him. "Sure." He sipped his own tea and then looked down at the cloth he'd been using to clean his gun. "You mind if I--" he asked, gesturing at the gun.

Jasper shook his head, so Bellamy picked it up and started cleaning it again. Jasper found himself watching Bellamy's hands, trying to think of some other innocuous thing to say.

"I, uh…" Bell cleared his throat. "I went outside last night. After you and I… O found me out there and ripped me a new one." He cleared his throat again. "That's why Monty made me promise too."

"Oh," Jasper said, his eyebrows raising. He bit his lip before he said anything, remembering his conversation with Octavia. He went out because of me.

Jasper sighed. "That makes sense," he murmured, then took a sip of his tea. "Why--" he faltered, then forced himself to finish. "Why'd you go out?"

Bellamy sighed, his hands going still on the gun. "I had another nightmare," he said, his voice low. "It was--worse. And I woke up and thought about...well, I didn't think at all. I just swallowed the rest of the hooch I stole from you and headed out." He glanced sidelong at Jasper, then returned his gaze to his work. "I guess I need a better way to work through the...everything."

"The everything?" Jasper repeated, finding that a small smile had curled his lips. He lifted his cup to his lips, willing his hand to stop shaking, then took a long sip. "So much for the great speech maker the camp loves."

Bellamy huffed a laugh and shook his head. "Speeches are easy compared to emotions." He glanced over at Jasper. "Besides, I'm a little out of practice."

Jasper raised an eyebrow at him. "With speeches or emotions?"

That made Bellamy laugh aloud. "I meant speeches. Are you implying I'm emotionally challenged?"

Jasper's smile strengthened a little, in spite of himself. "Aren't we all a little bit?" His expression went wistful.

"At least a little bit," Bellamy said. He shook his head, a smile lingering on his face.

"If not challenged, damaged," Jasper said, watching Bellamy's face. Bellamy was very handsome when he smiled, and Jasper had always thought so.

He looked away and drained his cup of tea, then rested it on his knee. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Bellamy resume cleaning his gun. "I think I need your help," Jasper said finally, giving Bellamy a sideways glance to gauge his reaction.

Bellamy's hands stilled for a moment, then went back to work as he glanced over at Jasper. "Sure. What can I do?"

"I want to find them," Jasper said. "The Mountain Men who lived. Who are doing-- who knows what in the woods. I want to find them." And kill them for what they made you do to Maya, he thought.

This time Bellamy's hands went still and stayed still. His knuckles slowly turned white as he looked down at the gun parts. "And you want me to go with you," he said quietly.

"Would you even let me go alone?" Jasper asked. He lifted a hand and rubbed at his throat. His bruises were starting to look a little better, but his throat and face still hurt, along with his side.

"I'd do my best to stop you, but it's nice that you've accepted that reality," Bellamy said. He looked over at Jasper. "I'm guessing our plan is to kill them once we find them?"

Jasper swallowed hard, then nodded. "At least someone who deserves it can die this time," he said, then reached over to pour himself more tea.

The thought of killing the Mountain Men who had caused so much pain was both satisfying and terrifying. Jasper wondered what it made him that he wanted this so much. Did it make him as bad as them? He wasn't sure he cared. Someone had to pay for what happened, and Jasper couldn't put that on Bellamy and Monty anymore. And Lincoln had already killed Cage.

Bellamy nodded. "I've been thinking about the Mountain Men," he said. His voice had no expression, nothing to give Jasper any clue what Bellamy thought of the plan. "Carl Emerson was Cage's right-hand man. He was trying to get to us in the control room. But after the alarms sounded, he took off. I'm betting that he, at least, made it out."

"Emerson," Jasper repeated. He drew his thumb along the rough edge of the cup in his hands, then wrapped both his hands around the cup, letting the warmth spread through his fingers. "Are you…" He trailed off, ducking his head a little to try to catch Bellamy's gaze. "Will you help me?"

Bellamy looked over at him, his brown eyes serious. "Do you think you should be going after anyone while you're still healing from the fight with the Grounders?" He glanced down at Jasper's hands. "While you're still getting used to handling the pain without alcohol?" His voice was gentle, but implacable. "What I did last night was stupid. And what you've been doing--the way you've been doing it…" He trailed off. Before Jasper could speak, though, Bellamy held up a hand.

"The thing is, Jasper, if we do this, I don't want it to be a repeat of you trying to get yourself killed, by Mountain Men this time instead of Grounders. If we do this, you have to be in better condition, and I want us both to come back from it." He paused. "Together."

It was true, Jasper thought, that there was a part of him that thought if he didn't come back from trying to kill the Mountain Men, it would be okay. Going out to hunt them meant putting himself in danger again. And he was okay with that. But he told himself that at least this time there was a higher purpose than just getting himself killed.

"We should probably wait until the dizzy spells stop," Jasper conceded. They were lessening, but he still had them on occasion. He hoped Bellamy wouldn't push him to promise he wouldn't get himself killed.

"Probably," Bellamy said, chuckling. He shifted to face Jasper more directly. "And we should probably wait until you have at least a shred of self-preservation going on." He rested his fingers on Jasper's wrist. "I mean it when I say that I don't want you trying to get yourself killed. I know there are no guarantees, but I'm not going out into the woods if the guy watching my back is suicidal."

"I'm not suicidal," Jasper said. He wasn't sure he meant it. When he was alone, all he wanted to do was drink and kill himself. Which was why he'd tried so damn hard today to not be alone. And he was going to keep trying, but he knew being alone would eventually be unavoidable.

Jasper sighed and looked at Bellamy's hand on his wrist, wondering what he should do about it. A few days ago, he would have yanked his hand away. Today, it felt oddly okay, though.

Bellamy squeezed his wrist gently and pulled away. "Okay, what if I change that to reckless?" He started reassembling his gun.

"I'm fine," Jasper said, and this time he knew it was a lie. He was getting better, but he wasn't fine. He wanted to kill someone--really wanted to kill someone--and that wasn't the way someone who was fine thought.

Bellamy snorted. "Not yet," he said. "But maybe I'm not fine yet, either." He grinned briefly at Jasper.

Jasper gave him a half-hearted smile in return, then he looked away and let it fade. He was thankful, at least, that Bellamy wasn't calling him a hypocrite for wanting to kill someone. "I don't think anyone is. Not anymore. And we never will be again. So let's just wait for the dizzy spells to stop and go from there."


***


Over the next week, Bellamy found himself watching Jasper. At first, he rationalized it: he was watching for signs that Jasper was self-destructive, or suicidal, or not healing properly from their fight with the Grounders. Then he pretended he was watching Jasper in an attempt to gauge the other boy's recovery, or figure out if Jasper would ever forgive him, or if he was going to start drinking again.

Finally, Bellamy admitted to himself that he just liked watching Jasper. He liked the angles of Jasper's face and his expressive mouth. He had even gotten used to the new haircut.

He didn't think anyone had noticed.

Jasper and Monty had been talking for a few minutes across the camp, and Bellamy was just considering joining them when they ducked into Jasper and Monty's tent. Monty didn't really have an official tent anymore, actually, since he was now alternating between sharing a tent with Jasper on some nights and Bellamy on others. Occasionally, when Monty had been snuggled up next to him, Bellamy wondered what Jasper and Monty looked like doing the same thing. And what Jasper felt like doing this.

He usually shoved those thoughts away as quickly as they came. He shouldn't be thinking them.

Bellamy held a sigh when Jasper and Monty disappeared, wondering what to do with himself now, when someone gently punched his shoulder. "Hey there." Bellamy turned around to see Raven standing beside him.

"Raven. What's up?" He felt a sudden prickle of guilt. He'd spent so much time brooding over what he'd done at Mount Weather and worrying about Jasper that he had forgotten to make sure she was recovering all right.

"Not much," she said, squinting in the direction of the sun. "I don't have any official projects right now, since Abby and Kane think we're safe for now." From the tone of her voice, it was clear she was as unsure of that as Bellamy was. "So I've just been tinkering and annoying Wick."

She looked back at him. "We haven't talked in a while, though. How are you doing?"

Bellamy arched an eyebrow at her. "No official projects, but I take it there are some unofficial ones in the works, since Monty's been doing some stuff for you." He knew he was dodging her question, but he also knew Raven well enough that he expected she would circle back around to it.

Raven arched a brow right back at him, then tilted her head, her ponytail swaying a little behind her head. "I don't think we're as safe as they do," she said, apparently letting his avoidance slide for now. "I'm trying to figure out a means of communication that they won't know about."

"Glad to know I'm not the only one," he said. "Good thinking. I don't know why they won't just trust that we're the experts on life here on the Ground. We can't relax." He glanced across the camp towards Jasper's tent, then looked back at her. "How are you doing otherwise?" he asked, because he did care, even if he knew it would remind her that she'd asked first.

Raven shrugged. "Fine," she said, her tone slightly dismissive. Of course she wouldn't want to talk about what happened to her at Mount Weather. She was too proud. Bellamy could relate.

She looked over at Jasper's tent too, then back at Bellamy. "You never answered that question yourself."

"Fine," he said, shrugging. He knew she wouldn't let it go that easily, but if she was going to brush the question off, he could, too. "You know. Keeping busy walking patrols no one else seems to think we need."

"I'd offer to help, but…" She trailed off. She didn't run as well as she used to before she'd been shot. And Bellamy thought she was more useful as a mechanic anyway, but he could tell it still bothered her.

She shrugged, looking back in the direction of Jasper's tent. "How's he doing?" she asked, inclining her head that direction.

Bellamy snorted. "You think he'd tell me? He hasn't forgiven me for what I did, so we're not exactly at a confiding-in-each-other phase." He scratched his head, glancing at the tent again. "But I think he's trying really hard. I think he'll be okay." He hoped that wasn't just wishful thinking.

"He looks better," Raven said. "I'm glad he and Monty seem to be on the mend." She seemed like she wanted to say something else, but she bit her lip. Bellamy watched her for a moment, then she shifted on her feet.

"He hasn't talked to you?" she said after a moment, sounding suspicious. "You sure about that? I saw him come out of your tent a few days ago, and you've had your eye on him all week."

Crap. Someone had noticed. But he could play this cool. "He's talked to me," Bellamy agreed. "He's shouted at me, for that matter. So yeah, I'm keeping an eye on him. I'm worried. But like I said, he blames me for what happened--" He broke off. He might as well be at least a little bit honest with her. "I pulled the lever that killed Maya. And he has every right to hold that against me."

"I heard," Raven said. Bellamy wished he could read how she felt about it, but her tone and expression were neutral. She had a good poker face. Bellamy was at least relieved she didn't seem to actively dislike him for it. She had sought him out today, too, so there was something.

"People talk," she continued. "And with all the shouting matches recently…" She sighed, and reached up to put a hand on his elbow, squeezing gently.

Bell sighed. "Yeah, well. Like I said. He's not wrong." He pressed his lips together and looked away. That was why it was so stupid for Bell to even let himself look. He had no right. Even if Jasper had made the switch to blaming the Mountain Men for Maya's death, Bell knew it would always be something between them.

"You did what you had to do," Raven said, letting her hand fall away from him. "No one has to like it, not even you, but everyone has to accept it." She brushed back some loose strands of hair from her face that were blowing in the wind. "Jasper will eventually."

He sighed. "I'd settle for his stopping with the self-destructive behavior," he said. "And getting things patched up with Monty will help with that." He looked back at Jasper's tent. Part of him wanted to ask Monty how Jasper was. The other part--the part that had been winning all day--wanted Jasper to come talk to him first.

Bell forced a smile and looked back at Raven. "Having you and Wick to hang out with has to help too, so thanks for that."

Raven shrugged. "Jasper's a good guy," she said. "And it sucks losing someone you love."

Bellamy thought of Finn, and he couldn't help the frown that formed on his face. Raven's expression wasn't sad, though. She looked strong and determined.

"I forgave Clarke," she said, and Bellamy knew she must be thinking of Finn too. "I never told her that, but I did. I moved on. Jasper will too. He'll forgive you." She paused, then added, "I hope he has the opportunity to tell you when he does. You seem to need it from him."

There were differences, Bellamy thought. For one thing, Finn had done what the Grounders accused him of. His death was horrible, but there was an element of justice to it. Maya...Maya had been helping them. Had helped Bellamy from the first moment she saw him.

He exhaled. "Yeah."

Raven waited for more, and when it didn't come, she sighed. "It's okay to want him," she said finally.

Bellamy glared at her, prepared to deny it. If her expression hadn't been so accepting, he might have done it. But he didn't quite have it in him to pretend not to understand. Or worse, to pretend he didn't want Jasper. He pressed his lips together, trying to keep his expression from giving too much away.

Then again, he seemed to have given too much away already.

After a moment he sighed and looked away from her. "Maybe if I were anyone but the guy who killed Jasper's girlfriend."

"He's starting to blame you less and the Mountain Men more," Raven said. Bellamy could see from the corner of his eyes that she was watching him. "He talks about it sometimes. The look in his eyes when he talks about them…"

Bellamy huffed a laugh and let his head drop. Staring blankly at the ground, he said, "Somehow I doubt it'll ever change enough. But thanks anyway, Raven." He managed a tiny smile when he glanced up at her again.

Raven gave him a crooked smile back. "Yeah," she said, then nodded and looked away. "It is changing," she added. "You're not the only one looking." Bellamy opened his mouth to ask what she meant, but she shook her head and looked back toward her makeshift shop. "I gotta get back."

She turned and walked away, leaving Bellamy with more questions than he'd started with.


Part 4 | Part 5