Weathering the World, Jasper/Bellamy, R (The100) - Part 2/5

[innerslytherin]

Title: Weathering the World
Authors: innerslytherin & severity_softly
Fandom: The 100
Pairing/Characters: Jasper/Bellamy, Monty, Octavia, Lincoln, Raven
Rating: R (for violence/blood, lots of drunkenness, and language)
WC: ~43,400
Notes: Set immediately after the season two finale, "Blood Must Have Blood: Part 2". Inspired in part by Jasper spoilers in this article for the season three premiere. Also, we realize we're posting this just the day before the season three premiere, so it will very likely be AU very quickly. Read fast! ;)
Summary: After Maya's death, Jasper becomes reckless… But Bellamy refuses to let him destroy himself.

Part 1

Bellamy's argument with Octavia took an hour and made Lincoln disappear off somewhere for some peace and quiet. No doubt the Grounder would be back once Octavia was finished chewing Bellamy a new one. Part of Bellamy was grateful. At least Lincoln was nice enough to spare him the humiliation of having it happen in front of anyone else.

Worse than getting shouted at by Octavia was having her ask him, in a grave voice, "Are you suicidal, Bell? We can get you help."

No, I'm not, but Jasper sure fucking seems to be, he'd wanted to tell her. But he hadn't. Even if he should have.

By the time he stormed out of Octavia's room and back to the tent he was now sharing with Monty, he was in a foul mood. As if having to kill someone--two someones--wasn't enough, then he had to watch Jasper almost die and get shouted at by Octavia.

He shoved the tent flap open, then belatedly remembered to say, "Hey, I'm back," just in case Monty had someone inside with him.

Monty was sitting cross-legged on the floor and seemed a little startled by Bellamy's abrupt entrance. He had something small in his hands that looked electronic, and had been inspecting it closely before looking up. Maybe he was fixing something for Raven, Bell thought.

He frowned after a moment, seemingly picking up on Bellamy's mood. "You need to be alone?" he asked.

"No," Bell snapped, throwing himself on his bedroll. Then he blew out a deep sigh. "Sorry. No. What are you working on?" He wasn't used to sharing his space anymore. He needed to work on that. He hoped Monty wouldn't leave. He wanted to have a couple swallows of his whisky and then try to sleep. It might be nice to sleep while listening to Monty tinker with something.

"It's for Raven," Monty said, confirming Bellamy's earlier suspicion.

Monty didn't elaborate, though. Maybe he thought Bellamy wouldn't understand. Or maybe Raven and Monty were working on something under wraps for now.

"I went to the medical unit," Monty said. It must have gotten around camp that Jasper had been hurt. There hadn't been many people awake at that hour, but news travelled fast inside the camp.

Bellamy closed his eyes, but all he saw was Jasper's swollen and battered face, so he opened them again. Great. Something else to dream about.

"He was unconscious," Monty continued, when Bellamy didn't reply. "So I… just talked to him. Like the old days. When he's not awake, he's remarkably unargumentative." Bellamy could tell Monty was trying to make light of things, maybe to keep himself from being afraid for Jasper's life, but his voice sounded deeply unhappy.

Bell pulled out the whisky bottle, took a swig, and offered it to Monty.

"He got past me. He was drunk, and he was heading to Grounder territory, and I tried to stop him," Bell blurted. "And he got past me." He sucked in a breath. He was glad Octavia hadn't noticed how bad his hands were shaking. She wouldn't have let him leave.

"He got past me," Bell repeated. "And there were Grounders."

"Shit," Monty breathed. He turned the bottle in his hands for a moment, then sniffed at its contents before taking a drink. He looked at it again as he swallowed. "God, this is so much better than hooch."

He handed the bottle back to Bellamy. "I'm glad you were there," he said after a moment. He put the gadget he was holding down on the small stack of clothes he'd brought over from the tent he used to share with Jasper, then stood and walked over to the bedroll, sitting down on the edge.

Bell wiped a hand over his face. He'd scrubbed his hands, but he could still smell the copper-salt tang of the Grounder's blood. Clarke had made it look so...well, not easy, but she'd never had any trouble doing what had to be done. Bellamy wasn't that strong.

"Me too," he whispered, and took a long swallow from the bottle. Then he coughed. For a moment he thought his stomach might rebel, but with an effort, he swallowed again and exhaled.

"My sister thinks I'm trying to kill myself," he said after a long moment. "I'm not. But I think Jasper is."

He felt Monty go still at the edge of the blankets. He didn't say anything, but after a moment, he reached for the bottle in Bellamy's hand and took another swig. "We've fought before. More since coming to the ground than on the Ark." Monty shrugged. "I just… hated seeing him put himself in danger. At first, I thought he did it to impress people. I know he did to impress Octavia for a little while. Before she shut him down. But now…" He trailed off. A little breath left him that Bellamy thought might have been Monty trying to repress a sob. "I always knew I'd get him back. We'd make up. Now I don't even know if he's coming back when he leaves."

Bellamy rolled his head to the side so he could look at Monty better. "We'll get through this," he promised. He didn't know how he would keep that promise, but he knew he had to. "You're not gonna lose your best friend."

He felt his throat tighten at the sudden memory of seeing Jasper stop struggling under the Grounder. He'd thought, in that instant, that he was too late. He'd hit the Grounder over the head with his gun anyway, but his heart had jolted inside him with terror.

"We'll get through this," he repeated. Somehow.

Monty nodded, handing the bottle back to Bellamy. "Is he dead?" Monty asked. "The Grounder that hurt Jasper?"

Bell took a swig and swallowed hard. "Yeah," he managed. He clenched his hand to keep from checking again to see if he'd gotten all the blood out from under his fingernails. "My gun jammed," he choked out after a minute. "So I had to use his sword."

He took a long drink.

Monty sighed, then shifted to lay down next to Bellamy. Bellamy wondered if Monty had heard the break in his voice and wanted to comfort him somehow.

Monty crossed his legs at the ankle and clasped his hands over his ribs, and just laid there silently. As strange as it seemed, it was a comfort. As easy as Monty was to talk to, it was just as easy to just be around him without pressure to constantly talk.

Bell shoved the cork back in the whisky bottle and lay back down. He didn't look at Monty, but he kept his eyes open so he could see Monty in his peripheral vision. As the seconds ticked by, he felt his heartbeat and breathing slow down.

He wasn't alone. He may not know what to do next. He may not know how to keep Jasper alive. But he wasn't alone.

Bellamy drifted into sleep.


***

Jackson refused to let Jasper leave the medical unit until Abby had checked him out and they'd made sure he was stable. Jasper didn't tell the doctor why he'd been beyond the walls, and the doctor didn't ask. He just told Jasper to rest.

So Jasper was resting, somewhat resentfully, when Monty showed up.

He came in wearing a lost look, not quite meeting Jasper's eyes.

"You moved out." Jasper said the first thing that came to his mind.

Monty fidgeted for a minute, then dragged a chair over to sit down. "I thought you maybe needed some space."

"I figured you'd given up on me," Jasper said. He wished he could blame pain medication for his honesty, but the camp didn't seem to have anything good, so Jasper was just going to have to bear it until he healed.

In reality, he'd been talking to Maya a lot, when there was no one around, and it had helped some. It seemed weird that it would, given it was a pretty one-sided conversation, but it had. He'd started to consider forgiving Monty because… she would have wanted it.

Monty squinted at him. "I'd never give up on you," he said, his voice decisive. "You didn't give up on finding me when the Mountain Men caught me. We'll always have each other's back, because that's what best friends do."

Was Monty still his best friend?

It kinda hurt to question it, though, even just to himself, so Jasper supposed it was still the case.

"Yeah," Jasper murmured. He was considering forgiving Monty, but he suddenly realized that wasn't an easy thing to do. "Where'd you go?"

Monty shifted in his seat and looked away. "Um. Bellamy had space in his tent." He looked sideways at Jasper, as if he expected Jasper to be mad about that.

Jasper couldn't deny that there was a little flare of temper at the idea that Monty was bunking with Bellamy of all people, but it dissipated pretty quickly. Jasper didn't really have enough steam to be angry right now. He supposed the injuries were sapping his energy a bit. The doctor had said he probably had a concussion. His dizzy spells, the slight ringing in his ears, and the fact that Jasper had very limited memory of the actual fight with the Grounder seemed to confirm it. The doctor said it could take a week or more for him to start feeling back to normal.

So with his anger sapped, Jasper considered Monty's new choice of sleeping arrangements. If Jasper and Monty were on better terms, he probably would have teased Monty about "sleeping with Bellamy", even though he knew Monty was completely straight. Unlike Jasper.

Jasper didn't feel like joking yet, though. He would work on forgiveness, he decided, because that's what Maya would have wanted, but he didn't have to act like everything was okay.

"Why Bellamy?" Jasper said finally.

"I'm not sure." Monty hunched his shoulders. "He sat with me in the mess the other day, and we talked for a while. I just thought...maybe you needed space, and maybe he needed company."

Jasper snorted, then regretted it as a flash of pain ripped across his face and throat. His voice was still a little hoarse, and he gathered he'd been strangled, but only got flashes of it in his memory. "Bellamy's a hero," he said. "I'm sure he's got enough people to keep him company. He doesn't need to take my best friend too."

At least, Jasper assumed everyone was touting Bellamy as a hero. He probably had girls trying to bang him left and right. Jasper had holed up in his tent for several days after returning to camp, though, not really speaking to anyone except taking the occasional jab at Monty. Even now, he was really only talking to Raven and Octavia. And now Monty. Jasper assumed most people at camp were just happy to have their people back because of Bellamy, and had thought the murder of hundreds of people at Mount Weather had been a necessary byproduct, casualties of an unjust war.

"He doesn't really," Monty said. "And he's not taking your best friend. I don't want to be Bellamy's best friend. I just…" He sighed and looked down at his hands. "He hardly sleeps, all right? And he'd kill me if he knew I was telling you this. But--he has nightmares. They wake him up. A lot. And honestly, if he keeps going out into the woods by himself just because he can't sleep, he's going to get himself killed by the Grounders."

Monty paused, then lifted his gaze directly to Jasper's. "Kind of like someone else I know."

Jasper looked at Monty for a moment, then ducked his gaze away, feeling a little bit of shame. There was no hooch in the medical unit for him to make him not feel anything, and he supposed now, that was why he had been drinking so much.

Laying here on this cot, he felt everything. And he hated it.

"I need you, Jasper." Monty's voice was so low he almost couldn't hear it. "Whatever's been going on in my life, you've always been there. No matter how hard stuff gets, you're there, and I know we'll get through it." He sniffed. "I know I don't understand what you're feeling right now, but you're not alone, okay? And you still have people who care about you."

Jasper closed his eyes. He didn't know what to say. He supposed it was true. People did still care about him. Monty wouldn't be here if he didn't. Octavia wouldn't have sat by his bed and held his hand not long after he'd woken up. Raven wouldn't have torn him a new one while Jasper's head pounded. Even Miller and Harper had come by.

"I know," Jasper said finally. His eyes started to sting, and he pressed his lips together as a tear escaped his closed lids. "I just don't care about myself."

"Do you still care about me?" Monty whispered.

Jasper drew in a deep breath, then opened his eyes and looked at Monty, ignoring the other tears that ran down his face. "Yes," Jasper managed, his voice breaking. "But it hurts."

Monty nodded and looked back up at him. "Then if you can't stay alive for yourself," he said, putting a hand on Jasper's wrist, where it lay on top of the covers, "stay alive for me. Until you care about yourself again."

Jasper let his eyes roam over Monty's face. He wasn't sure it was that easy. You can't live for someone other than yourself, no matter how much they loved you, or you loved them.

Jasper lifted his free hand to wipe his face as a few more tears trickled out, but let Monty's hand stay where it was on his wrist.

"She liked you," he finally managed to choke out, and hoped Monty would drop the subject of Jasper's recklessness.

Monty squeezed his wrist and let go. "I liked her too. She was smart and brave. I liked you and her together."

Jasper nodded. He wasn't sure why he'd brought Maya up now. He raised a hand and ran it over his head. He kinda missed his hair, but it had felt good to cut it all off. Like he had some power over something, when he felt so powerless right now.

"Me too," he whispered.

Monty was silent for a few moments. "Do you want me to stay?" he asked after a while. "We don't have to talk."

"I don't want to talk," Jasper decided. "But… I'd like you to stay."

***

The first time Bellamy tried to slip out of the compound after his and Jasper's encounter with the Grounders, he discovered the Chancellor had ordered tighter perimeter security. Grumbling under his breath, he backed away from the perimeter, wondering what the hell he was going to do to wear himself out now that he couldn't patrol all night.

There was always the possibility things wouldn't work out between Raven and Wick, but he kind of felt bad for thinking about it. Raven looked happier than she had been since Finn's death. It was a shitty thing for Bellamy to wish for, just to scratch that particular itch with no strings.

The problem was, he couldn't think of anyone else he trusted enough to risk falling asleep afterwards.

"Doesn't matter anyway," he muttered, kicking at a rock. "What would I do with Monty if I brought someone back?"

Sharing quarters with Monty had helped. Bell still had nightmares, but when they woke him, he could lie there listening to Monty's breathing until he calmed down again. He could tell sometimes that he'd woken Monty, but the other boy never said anything, which was fine with Bell.

With a sigh, he let his feet take him where they would. It was late enough that a lot of people were in bed, but there were still some around. He did his best to avoid people's eyes whenever he met someone. Some of them treated him like a hero, and some of them treated him like they were afraid of him. He didn't want any of that. He just wanted to be left alone.

He wasn't really surprised when he ended up outside the medical unit. He didn't know if Jasper was still in there, or if he'd been released today.

It didn't matter. He wasn't going to go in.

Really.

Bellamy crept to the door and peered around the edge. If he could just see Jasper and know he was doing better, that would be enough.

He froze when he heard Jasper talking.

"I know you said…" Jasper trailed off. To Bellamy's surprise, no one else spoke. "I just…" Jasper continued. "You didn't deserve it. Any of it."

Was Jasper talking to himself?

No. Maya.

Oh, Bellamy knew he should not listen to this.

Bellamy turned to leave, but his foot caught on the edge of the entryway and made scuffing sound that made him cringe.

"Are you letting me out?" Jasper called, his voice louder, but with a roughness that hadn't been there before the Grounder attack.

Gritting his teeth, Bellamy took a couple of careful steps back from the door. Maybe Jasper would think he was just hearing things. But life wasn't usually that kind.

"Hey! I know you're there," Jasper called.

Bellamy took another step away from the door, then cleared his throat. When he walked back to the door, he made his footsteps louder than usual. Maybe Jasper wouldn't realize Bellamy had overheard things he shouldn't have.

He paused in the doorway and coughed. "Hi," he said weakly. "I just wanted to see how you're doing."

Jasper had lifted his head off the bed and was looking toward the door. When he saw Bellamy, his expression changed, but Bellamy couldn't quite place what it meant. It wasn't angry, but it wasn't pleased either.

"Abby won't let me leave until tomorrow," Jasper said, his voice strange.

Since Jasper hadn't shouted at him or told him to go away, Bellamy stepped into the room. He stopped a couple of yards from Jasper's bed, not wanting to invade his space. "You did get stabbed by a Grounder," he pointed out.

"It's not like I lost anything important." Jasper prodded gently at the bandage on his side, making a face. His bare chest and arms looked remarkably uninjured, until you got to his wrists and hands. "Stitches are easy," he added.

"Infection isn't great." Bellamy didn't think he should have to remind Jasper of that, all things considered. His gaze was on Jasper's chest. It was thin, but there was more muscle than Bellamy would have expected. They'd all had to do more physical labor since landing the drop ship. He realized he was staring and jerked his gaze up to Jasper's head, which, oddly, looked more naked than his chest. "What happened to your hair?" he said, and only then remembered Jasper's head had already been shaved the night before.

Jasper's gaze dropped away from Bell's. "Needed a change," he said. He lifted a hand and brushed it over the top of his head. "Feels weird."

Bellamy instantly wanted to run his palm across it. He shoved his hands into his pockets instead. "It looks good," he said, though he wasn't sure it really did. It was too different. He'd need to get used to it.

Not that it mattered what he thought of Jasper's hairstyle.

Jasper looked back at him, and then a strange expression crossed his face. It was sort of a grimace. "I haven't seen it yet," Jasper admitted. As the expression started to fade from Jasper's face, it occurred to Bellamy that Jasper might have been trying to smile at him. Bellamy tried to remember the last time Jasper smiled at him. It might have been at Mount Weather, when Jasper had hugged him.

It felt like so long ago that Jasper had been so happy to see him.

Bellamy smiled doubtfully back at him, hoping he was interpreting that right. He looked around the room. "I could steal a mirror. There's got to be one around here somewhere."

He told himself not to hope. Jasper might be high on pain medication, even though they were running low on meds of all kinds. Or he might change his mind tomorrow and go back to hating Bellamy.

But there was a warmth in his chest that hadn't been there before.

"Ugh," Jasper said, rubbing the top of his head again. He sighed, then started to work his way onto his elbows. He was obviously in pain because his face twisted a little, but he pushed himself up into a seated position anyway. "I'm not sure I want to know. Raven looked at me like I'd lost my mind when she first saw me." He glanced at the door. "Tell me if you hear anything. Last time Abby saw me sitting up, she got all over me."

Bellamy took that as invitation to stay. He offered Jasper another smile. "Just don't try to get out of bed, or I'll get all over you too," he warned, and started searching shelves and drawers for a mirror. It only took a couple of tries before he found one that he could carry over to Jasper's bedside.

He hesitated before holding it up, though. "You, um, have bruises around your throat," he warned. "From where the Grounder tried to choke you."

Japser seemed to have forgotten about the bruises. His expression went blank when he saw himself. "Shit," he breathed. Bellamy could tell by the way Jasper's eyes moved that he'd barely even paid attention to his hair. He was focused on the split, puffy lip, swollen purple eyes and hand marks around his throat.

Bellamy saw Jasper's adam's apple bob, and then he clearly lifted his eyes to his hair. He took it in for a moment, then sighed. "Well, it's not the ugliest thing about me right now." Jasper's shoulders had slumped.

Bellamy bit back the first thing he was going to say, which was that girls dug scars. It was too soon for a joke like that, he thought. "You look like a fighter now," he said, his lips quirking to one side. He dropped into a chair that was drawn up near Jasper's bed.

"A losing one," Jasper said, his voice flattening. After a moment, he shrugged. "Accurate."

"We won," Bellamy said. We won together, he wanted to add, but he didn't. He wasn't sure if together was a word he was allowed to use around Jasper yet. He still wasn't sure if Jasper was going to lash out at him.

Jasper sighed. His eyebrows lifted a little, then lowered again. Bellamy wondered what he was thinking. Jasper had always been so expressive, enough so that he was usually easier to read. But his face had been shrouded in sadness since Mounth Weather. Bellamy couldn't read him again yet, but it was nice to see some life returning to his face.

"I barely remember it," Jasper admitted. "What I do remember was dying. Or… almost dying. You saved my life."

Bellamy rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. That was something he could actually be proud of. He had saved Jasper's life. But he didn't want to gloat about it. "You got the sword away from him," he said.

Jasper tilted his head to the side, frowning, but he didn't say anything. He lifted a hand and rubbed his head again. He must have not gotten used to being nearly bald yet.

Bellamy shifted a little. This was going well so far, and he wondered if he ought to leave before he wore out his welcome. He wanted to ask what Jasper was thinking, but he was almost afraid of what Jasper might say. Jasper was being amiable enough right now, but Bellamy didn't doubt there was more under the surface. One brush with death couldn't cure greif.

"Why aren't you patrolling?" Jasper finally said, giving Bellamy a sideways glance.

Bellamy grimaced. "Chancellor's increased the guard," he said. And Jasper wasn't likely to be trying to commit suicide by Grounder, tonight, so it wasn't worth sneaking past the guard. "I thought I'd give them a couple of days to relax."

He rubbed his hands together. They were starting to feel shaky, but he'd only been awake twenty hours. He could go a few more before he really started to lose control.

He noticed Jasper's expression suddenly looked a little lost. "Oh," he said, and Bellamy felt a little flash of… something. Was it anger? Concern? He wasn't sure, but he had the sinking feeling Jasper looked like that because he was suddenly worried about whether he could get out again.

"They always relax again," he said, though he didn't know why. After all, he wanted Jasper to stay inside the compound. "They still think we're kids. They don't understand we're the only ones who know how this world works."

He shrugged. He wished there was some way he could make Jasper want to stay. Some way to make himself important enough to Jasper that the other boy would stay without the guard on the perimeter. Something that would make Jasper want to stay alive.

"Look," he said finally, because he didn't know what else to say. "Is there anything you need? I mean…" He trailed off. He didn't know what he meant.

Jasper opened his mouth, then closed it, seeming a little uncomfortable all of a sudden. "Uh," he said, looking down at his lap. "Something to dull the pain would be nice."

Bellamy raised his eyebrows. "Doesn't Abby take care of that for you?" He knew they were running low on painkillers, but he'd have thought they would have given Jasper something.

Then he remembered what Monty had said about the herb. "I could ask Monty if he has any, ah, pharmaceuticals," he added.

Jasper shook his head and frowned. "We haven't had any of that since before lockup." Then his eyebrows raised. "Wait, you know about that?" he asked, then immediately shook his head. "You're bunking with Monty," he reminded himself. He fiddled with the edge of the bandage across his chest. "I think the camp's run out of the good stuff."

Bellamy frowned. Jasper knew he was bunking with Monty, but he didn't sound angry. Bell wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. "The good stuff?" he asked, then finally understood. "You want me to get you some hooch?" His voice rose slightly at the end, but he caught himself. He leaned in and whispered furiously. "Have you forgotten the stupid things you do when you're drinking hooch? No way in hell am I getting you alcohol!"

Jasper winced, and ducked his head. "Just for the pain," he said quietly. Then a moment later, Jasper stiffened. "Wait, are you judging me now?" he said, trying to raise his voice, but just managing to sound more gravelly.

"I don't go outside when I'm drunk," Bellamy said. "I know better than to do something like that. And yeah, what you're doing is stupid. There's never a time when trying to get yourself killed isn't stupid." He glared at Jasper. Would he even know when to stop to just drink for the pain? And for that matter, did he mean physical pain, or the pain of Mount Weather? Because Bellamy was starting to think there wasn't enough alcohol in the world to deal with that pain.

Jasper closed his eyes, tight enough that Bellamy knew it had to hurt, then he lifted a hand and wiped at his eyes. "You don't--" Jasper started, then heaved a breath and opened his eyes again, glaring back at Bellamy. "You couldn't understand. And you're lucky."

Bellamy opened his mouth to retort, then stopped himself. Jasper had a point. He'd never lost someone the same way Jasper had. Sure, he'd lost Roma, but that wasn't love. He'd liked her. He'd enjoyed sleeping with her, but it wasn't the same as Jasper and Maya. He closed his mouth. "Maybe I couldn't understand," he said finally. "But unless you're willing to let me stay here, there's no way I'm letting you get drunk. When you drink unattended, you do dumb stuff."

"I'm not exactly unattended," Jasper said. His anger was dissipating quickly. "They're in here once an hour or so. If I went missing tonight, the whole damn guard would be after me." He shifted his shoulders in an awkward way, as if trying to work out tense muscles. "And I never said you had to leave." That last part sounded grudging.

Bellamy straightened in his chair. He didn't care how grudging it was. If Jasper was willing to let him stay, it was way better than Don't ever speak to me again. He drew in a long breath. "Well," he said, "fortunately, I know a guy."

He glanced over at Jasper, wanting to sooth him, but driven by a contradictory urge to provoke some reaction from him. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

All the way back to his tent, he considered what the best way would be to convince Monty to hand over some of his hooch. In the end, he decided the half-empty bottle of 107-year-old whiskey would be better than trying to convince Monty that giving Jasper alcohol was a good idea. Fortunately, Monty wasn't around when he stuck his head into the tent. Within ten minutes, Bellamy was back at the medical unit.

He glanced around for Abby or Jackson, then he took a healthy swig himself. He might wish, by the end of the night, that he was drunk too.

Then he stepped into Jasper's room.

"I just got chewed out for not resting enough," Jasper muttered. He was laying back down again, and it was obvious that Bellamy had just missed either Abby or Jackson. Jasper looked at Bellamy, then glanced past him. Satisfied, Jasper sat up again, groaning. He pressed a hand to his side, over the bandage. "As if just sitting up is so taxing."

His eyes dropped to the bottle in Bellamy's hand, then they widened. "That's not hooch."

Bellamy couldn't quite suppress his grin. "This is so much better," he promised. He sat down next to Jasper's bed. "I found it in the bunker. With the guns. There isn't much, but I've discovered you don't really need much."

He held out the bottle.

Jasper's hand closed around the bottle, purple knuckles and all. He pulled the cork out and took a sniff. Bellamy laughed before he could stop it, both because Monty had done the same thing, and because Jasper couldn't exactly claim to be choosy when it came to numbing pain.

"What?" Jasper said, giving him a curious look as he lifted the bottle to his lips and took a long swig.

Bellamy shook his head. "You and Monty. You're so much alike in some ways. I promise, it's good. Monty liked it."

"Mmm," Jasper hummed, swallowing. He nodded his agreement, then took another quick swig before handing it back to Bellamy. "I don't remember not knowing him."

Bellamy looked at the bottle in his hand. Was that an invitation to drink with Jasper? He'd take it. He sipped and exhaled. "He's very...kind." It was weird that he would like that so much in a person. Once upon a time, he'd equated kindness with weakness. Monty had demonstrated that didn't have to be the case.

Jasper nodded and held his hand out for the bottle again. Bellamy handed it to him and Jasper drank. He rested the bottle on his knee, but Bellamy realized it was within his reach if he wanted more. "He's smarter than maybe anyone I know," Jasper said. "And kind." He took another swig. "That seems to be a rare combination. People are either smart and cruel, or not so smart and kind."

"Sometimes it's not cruelty," Bellamy hedged. "It's just...ruthlessness." He sighed and rubbed his face. "Finn. Finn was kind, mostly. And smart, too." He didn't mind admitting it, now that Finn was dead. Which was a horrible thing to think, now that he thought about it.

He snagged the bottle and took a long swig before offering it back.

Jasper took it back and took another drink. At this rate, Jasper would be feeling it soon, if he wasn't already. "I guess I'm just generalizing," he said. He lowered his voice, almost to a whisper. "Maya was smart."

Bellamy had barely met the woman who seemed to be controlling his every interaction with Jasper. He suppressed the urge to take the whisky back. "Was she?"

"Yes," Jasper murmured. Then he gave Bellamy a look Bellamy couldn't read and took another swig. Jasper blinked, then let out a little breath. "This is good." He hesitated, his brows drawing together in thought. "You just have one bed in your bunk, don't you?" he asked cautiously. Apparently, Jasper couldn't decide if he wanted to talk to Bellamy about Maya or not, so he had changed the subject.

Bellamy raised his eyebrows. "Not so much a bed as a bunch of blankets on the ground," he said. "But it's plenty big enough to share." He blinked slowly. "Monty hasn't been complaining, if that's what you're worried about." For that matter, it was Monty's idea, though Bell wasn't sure if Monty had remembered he only had one place to sleep. They hadn't had any trouble dividing the space between them, though.

He decided one more swig of whisky wouldn't hurt. He snagged the bottle and drank, then coughed. "Why do you care?"

Jasper opened his mouth, then closed it. "I just--- He's my best friend." He scratched behind his ear.

Bellamy glanced at him, then took a closer look. "You know it's not--I mean, just because Murphy and I--" He broke off. "Monty and I aren't fucking."

Jasper gaped at him for a moment, then stammered, "No, I-- Monty's straight!"

Bellamy sat back in his chair. Well, at least now he knew for sure that Monty hadn't thought Bellamy was propositioning him the other day. "Good for Monty," he said. "So what were you getting at, if you already knew that?"

Jasper shrugged, then reached for the bottle. Bellamy held it out of reach, then raised his eyebrows, making it clear Jasper wasn't getting that bottle back until he answered. Jasper sighed and slumped his shoulders. "I just wondered… wait, you and Murphy?"

Bellamy pressed his lips together. He'd thought more people knew about that. "Well, it was before we exiled him." He looked at the bottle, considering, and took a swig. "Before I let people hang him. That tends to kill a guy's desire to sleep with you."

Jasper stared at him for a moment, then reached for the bottle again. This time, Bellamy sighed and gave it to him. "I didn't know," he said. He seemed a little uncomfortable as he took another long pull from the bottle. He handed it back, then shifted to lay down on his uninjured side, facing Bellamy.

Bellamy took the bottle, but didn't drink. He studied the contents, then looked back at Jasper. "I thought everyone knew I favored him. For a while, anyway." He shrugged. He had learned a lot from the mistakes he made with Murphy. At least, he hoped he had.

"I just thought you were close," Jasper said. "I didn't know you were… I mean… There's nothing wrong with it. I mean… I'm…" Jasper made a face like Bellamy should know what he was about to say.

"You're...?" Bellamy had a feeling he did know what Jasper was going to say, but he wasn't about to let it go unsaid. "You're what?" He leaned forward. "You're in pain? Do I need to get Abby?"

"No," Jasper blurted out. "Feeling a little numb now, thanks." He sighed, then his lips twisted a little. "I'm... like that too."

"Glad the whisky's kicking in," Bellamy said. He leaned back in his chair and took a slow sip. "Like what?" Damned if he was going to make this easy on Jasper, after all the grief Jasper had given him lately.

He shoved aside a pang of remorse. Jasper might be as bisexual as he was, but he had just lost his first love. Bellamy ought to be kinder.

Jasper sighed, obviously understanding that Bellamy now knew, but wasn't going to let him not say it. "I like guys too," he said finally, looking annoyed. He closed his eyes and rubbed his fingers over the bridge of his nose, wincing a little.

Bellamy sighed and held out the bottle. He was feeling pleasantly tipsy, but if he drank any more, he would probably start telling Jasper things he didn't want to tell anyone. "That wasn't so hard, was it?"

Jasper lowered his hand and glared at Bellamy. "I've only ever told Monty before." He took the bottle and took a large gulp. Bellamy suddenly wondered how much Jasper was feeling the whisky, and if he would have told Bellamy without it. It was good whisky.

Bellamy shrugged. "I won't tell anyone." He frowned slightly. "How are you feeling?" He was starting to feel drowsy, which had to mean Jasper was close to falling asleep too. At least, he hoped it meant that. Even if Bellamy couldn't get any rest, Jasper ought to. He was still healing.

Jasper hummed a noise. "Good," he said, and it was clear from his voice that was the truth. He glanced at the bottle and gauged how much was left, and Bellamy followed his gaze. There was maybe one good gulp left. Jasper looked away, obviously not wanting to ask for the last of it.

Bellamy sighed and held the bottle out. "Go on. But if you're hung over in the morning, you're not allowed to be pissed at me." Not that he would hold Jasper to that. He was honestly surprised the other boy had let Bellamy stick around as long as he had. Not to mention coming out as bisexual to him. He had to wonder if Jasper would still be speaking to him in the morning, or if this truce between them was as short-lived as the whisky.

Jasper took the bottle and gave Bellamy a little nod that that Bellamy knew was a thank you, then he drained what was left of the bottle. Goodbye, good whisky, Bellamy thought.

Jasper wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and Bellamy noticed he didn't wince this time.

Jasper closed his eyes and held out the empty bottle for Bellamy to take. "I asked for it,"


***


The next day, Jasper woke up with a headache that was worse than before. He supposed he shouldn't have drunk with a possible concussion, but he wasn't really sorry. It probably wouldn't do any permanent damage, and it had let him sit in a room with Bellamy Blake for quite some time without fighting him.

Jasper supposed he owed Bellamy that after Bellamy had saved his life. He didn't forgive Bellamy, but Jasper didn't have the energy to be openly hostile toward him. He wondered how long that would last. How long his "talks" with Maya would soothe him.

Octavia was visiting when Abby checked him out in the morning. When Abby said he could be released, Octavia had been nice enough to run and grab Jasper a shirt from his tent. When she got back, Jasper pulled it on and got out of bed.

It felt good to be on his feet again, but when they got outside, the brightness of the sun disoriented Jasper. He reached out and put his hand on her elbow. Without hesitation, Octavia pulled Jasper's arm over her shoulder and steadied him as they walked.

"I'm okay," he said.

"I'm not taking chances," she said. "I don't blame you for wanting to get out of there and out from under Abby's and Jackson's prodding, but you still need to rest."

Jasper looked down at her, and she gave him a smile. He returned it with a smile that hurt. "Thanks."

"Hey, you're one of my first friends," she said, "like, ever. I'm glad to help." She had changed so much from the first time he ever saw her on the Ark, but somehow her changes all made sense. She'd been brave from the moment they landed, and she'd never stopped being brave. She'd adapted better to this world than the rest of them, Jasper thought.

Jasper thought about what she'd said for a moment, and how strange it must've been for Octavia growing up. Jasper couldn't imagine what it had been like. None of them had siblings, except for Octavia and Bellamy, but Jasper tried to imagine only really knowing Monty for most of his life. Jasper thought he might have had the opposite reaction from Octavia and been scared of everything when he was finally free. But then again, he'd already established Octavia was stronger than him.

"How's my hair?" he asked after a moment.

Octavia looked him over. "You mean your Trauma Hair?" she asked, then laughed when he made a face. "That's what it is," she insisted. "It's alright."

Jasper sighed and lifted his free hand to shield his eyes from the sun. "I didn't have many options," he muttered.

"With your hair? You're right, you could either leave it like it was or shave it off." She nudged him gently. "Not judging, Jasper. You'll get used to it. Nobody else's opinion really matters."

They had almost reached Jasper's quarters. He eyed her, wondering if she wanted to come in.

Jasper gazed across the camp. He saw Raven sitting with Wick not too far off and she caught his gaze. Jasper smiled at her, ignoring the split in his lip, and she smiled back. Good. It looked like she was done being mad at him after yelling at him in the medical unit.

They reached Jasper's tent and Octavia started to pull away, but he tightened his hand on her shoulder, just enough to let her know she didn't have to leave if she didn't want to, but not enough that she couldn't say no. She probably wanted to get back to Lincoln.

To Jasper's relief, she gave him a gentle squeeze back, then pushed open the flap of his tent and walked in with him, guiding him to his cot. He didn't want to be alone. It was too tempting to find his stash of hooch and get drunk. It was for the pain, he told himself, but it had been for the pain since they'd left Mount Weather. Now he just had physical pain to add to the emotional.

He sat, and she sat down next to him.

"Everything quiet last night?" he asked, looking at the wall of his tent instead of her. Surely she knew he was over her, but... he'd pushed so hard for her after the dropship landed that he worried she might think he wanted rebound sex or something.

He wouldn't make a move on her. Not with Lincoln in the picture. And surely Octavia would know that about him. But he felt a little uncomfortable none the less. People who were grieving sometimes did things they wouldn't normally, which had been obvious by his behavior lately, and maybe Octavia still thought he wasn't in his right mind.

Jasper thought sex… or something physical and satisfying… might be nice. Even if he'd never actually done the deed yet. Like the alcohol, it would let him forget his pain for a while, and maybe even feel good. But he felt more in his right mind than he had since Mount Weather, and he wasn't going fuck things up with Octavia.

"Yeah. Lincoln's looking into whatever happened out there that you and Bell interrupted." She shrugged. "Abby doesn't seem to care what happened. Kane does, but he just tells Bell he did good getting everyone out of Mount Weather, and doesn't need to do anything else." She huffed. "Am I the only one who thinks we were doing a better job before the grownups brought the Ark down?"

Jasper smiled, then glanced sideways at her. "I'm pretty sure your brother agrees with you," he said. "Hard for me to say." Being separated from so much of the group, it was hard to tell. Things had seemed pretty comfortable at Mount Weather at first, and then after it wasn't, Jasper hadn't really been involved in what the adults were doing until he was brought back to camp. And then, he'd refused to talk to people the first few days back, so Jasper still felt a little out of the loop.

Octavia chuckled. "Well, there's one thing, anyway." Her humor faded as she glanced over at him. "Jasper, I know you--I mean--" She broke off and pressed her lips together for a moment. "I'm really sorry about Maya. I didn't know her very well, but I liked her."


Jasper nodded, his throat going tight at the memory of Octavia holding Maya until Jasper got to her. "Yeah," Jasper said. "You don't need to be sorry. You… you were there for her at the end. Thanks for that."

She gave him a small smile. "Still. I know it's hard. I mean, I wasn't in love with Atom, but…" She shrugged and looked down at her hands. "It was still hard. So it must be even harder when it's someone as important as Maya was to you." She shook her head. "I hate what happened."

"Me too," he said. He told himself he wasn't going to cry. He felt like he was crying too much lately. Not that there was a too much or too little when it came to grieving, but Jasper was tired. "I've, uh… I've never felt that way before."

Octavia put her arm around his shoulders and squeezed gently, then pulled away again. It was just a friendly hug, but it let a little warmth spread through him. "I'm pretty sure you made her life better," she said. "Even though you guys didn't know each other for long."

Jasper rubbed at his eyes. "Yeah, I guess," he murmured.

She patted his shoulder. "You should try to rest," she said. "Maybe you'll sleep better in your own tent. Want me to stay for a while? Just until you get settled?"

I slept great last night, Jasper thought, though he wasn't about to tell Octavia that her brother had gotten him drunk on some really nice whisky. He had a feeling she might be more mad at Bellamy than Jasper.

"I've been resting since I got back to the camp," he protested weakly, and it was true not just after the Grounder fight, but of coming back from Mount Weather too. Though Jasper wasn't really sure how restful being drunk and angry in bed had been. But he knew she was right. The ringing in his ears was less, but hadn't gone away yet.

She was giving him a look that meant she was going to insist anyway, so he sighed and started to shift down onto the bed on his good side. "Up to you if you want to stay," he said. "I know you'd probably like to get back to Lincoln."

"Lincoln knows my friends are important to me," Octavia said. "He likes you. Maybe you guys can get to be friends." She sighed. "He sort of gave up all of his friends when he joined us, after all, and Bell's...taking a while to warm up to him."

Jasper huffed a small laugh. Bellamy had punished Atom for just kissing Octavia, so he had no doubt that Bellamy would take a while to warm up to anyone with his sister. And there was the small problem of Bellamy having tortured Lincoln too. Jasper wondered to himself if Bellamy felt guilty for anything he did. Lincoln, Murphy, Maya, the kids at Mount Weather…

And Jasper wondered if Lincoln could really still like him after the other night. Jasper knew he'd been stupid, and decided if he went out again, he would at least carry a weapon next time. "What makes you think he likes me?" Jasper said, sounding disbelieving. "Especially after…"

"He said to tell you hi for him," Octavia said. "And I always kind of like people after I've saved their life." She grinned at him.

He felt a grin grow on his face at that. "Me too," he said, giving her a sideways look.

She laughed and leaned over to kiss his forehead. "Now close your eyes. You're supposed to be resting."

Jasper let out a small laugh too, probably the first real one in a while, and Octavia's smile strengthened like she was happy to hear it. "Okay, mom," he said, and closed his eyes.

The last thing he remembered before drifting to sleep was her hand slowly stroking his shoulder.


***


Bellamy knew Jasper had been released by the doctors. Octavia had found him to shout at him a little more, and she'd let that slip, so he hadn't had to check for himself. He was trying not to resent the fact that she blamed him more than she blamed Jasper. At least he wasn't going outside the camp drunk off his ass.

He wasn't sure why he didn't just tell her what Jasper was doing. Why cover for Jasper when the other boy had thrown him under the bus?

But every time he thought about telling Octavia, he imagined the pain on Jasper's face and swallowed the words. He didn't want Jasper hurt. Not even by hurting Octavia's good opinion of Jasper.

Still, Bell was more than a little grouchy when he went to Jasper's quarters to check on him.

He pulled the tent flap open just a little so as not to intrude and said Jasper's name, quietly, in case the other boy was sleeping. He heard shifting, and then something hit the floor. "Who'sit?" Jasper muttered, obviously slurring.

"God damn it!" Bellamy snapped. Then he realized he shouldn't have said anything, but honestly. What the hell? Hadn't Jasper learned anything? He took a deep breath. At least Jasper was in his tent and not outside the camp.

"Sorry," he muttered, stepping into the tent. "It's me."

"Shit," he heard Jasper mutter under his breath, and then there was more shifting. "Whad'you want?"

Bellamy sighed and plopped on the floor. "Gee, I don't know, to see how you're doing? Octavia said you got out of the medical unit this morning." When he looked down, he saw the bottle of hooch Jasper had clearly been drinking. He swiped it before Jasper could see and tucked the bottle behind him.

"Mm'fine," Jasper said. "How're you?"

Bellamy rolled his eyes. "Oh, I'm great. I love saving someone's ass one day and a couple of days later finding him too drunk to give a shit about anything. That's just the cherry on top of my day." He really ought to leave. Arguing with Jasper wasn't going to accomplish anything.

Jasper finally looked at him, eyes bleary, then his eyes darted down to where the bottle had been and he looked confused. "It's'fer the pain."

"Yeah, you're definitely feeling no pain right now." Bell snorted. "Give me a break, Jasper. You've been getting drunk every night, from what I can tell. It's not for the fucking pain."

Jasper pushed to a sitting position and searched his covers. "'Yes'tis," he managed. Bellamy wasn't sure, but he may have even been more drunk now that the first time Bellamy had found him in the woods. Of course he was, though. When you get drunk laying down, sometimes you don't feel it until it's too late.

"All kinds'f pain," Jasper said.

"Yeah, well, this never works. It lets you ignore the pain for a while, but when you wake up, it's right back there." Bellamy knew that from hard experience. He'd tried it after Octavia was taken away from him on the Ark. It hadn't worked then, and it wouldn't work now.

He sighed. "Never mind. You clearly don't give a shit what I have to say. I don't know why I even came here."

"Glutt'n fer punishmnt?" Jasper asked, then he seemed to give up on looking for his bottle and he sighed dramatically, crossing his arms over his chest. His fingers picked idly at the bandage Bellamy knew was under his shirt.

Bellamy snorted. "Apparently." He shook his head and started to stand up. "This is a waste of time. I guess if I want to talk to you, I'd better catch you before noon."

"Wha' d'you 'spect, Bell… amy?" Jasper blurted out.

"I don't know," Bellamy said. "Better than this." He swallowed hard against a sudden tightness in his throat. Maybe he'd been wrong. Maybe he had lost Jasper. You couldn't keep someone who didn't even want to keep himself. "Sleep it off," he muttered, and turned to go.

"Fuck you," Jasper muttered, and that was clearer than everything else Jasper had said because he enunciated hard. "Y'kill my gilfren' an' you wan' me t'be bett'r?"

Bell whirled back to face him. "My God, you think I'm proud of that? I did what I thought I had to, Jasper! It's not like I wanted to. I was trying to save our people--as many of our people as I could. We gave you as much time as we could! What the hell else were we supposed to do?"

"Y'don' know!" Jasper shouted. "Y'don' know how long it would'a tak'n me t'kill Cage! How could'y've known?!"

"Have you forgotten we had cameras on everything?" Bellamy shouted back. "We knew what was happening in every part of Mount Weather, and if we didn't act when we did, a lot of our people were going to die!"

"A lot'f people did die!" Jasper snapped.

"Not our people!" Bellamy snapped back. "Most of the people who died were the ones trying to kill our people. We didn't mean for Maya to get caught in that."

"Well y'din do anythi'g to stop it, di'you?!" Jasper's eyes filled with tears. "Or 'bout th' kids." He seemed to sway where he sat, and he covered his forehead with his hand, looking down. "There w'r resist-- resistrers-- resisters."

Bellamy took a long breath. The children featured prominently in his nightmares. He'd never set out to hurt children. "I'm sorry, Jasper," he choked. "God knows I'm sorry, but I--" His voice broke and he looked away, breathing hard.

How could he defend his actions to Jasper when he couldn't defend his actions to himself? Look at what you've become, he thought bitterly.

"Bu'you what?" Jasper demanded.

"But I can't take it back," Bellamy whispered. "I can't change it, so I have to live with it." His eyes stung. He blinked hard, clenching his jaw.

"You're not th'only one," Jasper spat. "Y'din' kill anyone y'cared 'bout. Jus' someone I did."

"I'm sorry!" Bellamy shouted again. "How many times can I fucking say that before you believe me? I'm sorry, Jasper. I'm sorry." His hands were shaking. He wanted to punch something. Not Jasper. He'd hurt Jasper enough. But something. Someone. If he could find Cage Wallace's body, he'd punch that until his knuckles bled.

The tears that had been in Jasper's eyes were running down Jasper's bruised cheeks, but he didn't seem to be sobbing. Just letting them flow. "Wish I could say tha' helped," Jasper said. "Wish I coul'… Wish ther'was nothing to fuckin' forgive."

Bellamy took several harsh breaths, trying to keep from letting his own eyes overflow. This wasn't doing either of them any good. He nodded. "Yeah, well, if wishes were horses," he said when he'd finally regained control of his voice. "You're right, Jasper. I'm sorry, but that'll never be enough."

He snagged the bottle of hooch as he headed for the door.

"Hey, tha's mine!" Jasper shouted, obviously finally figuring out where his bottle was. Bellamy ignored it and pushed the flap open to leave, but froze when Jasper spoke again. "Fine! Run 'way! Run away like Clarke did!"

Bellamy spun. "I'm not running!" he hissed. "It's not like I can run away from the nightmares, anyway! Do you think any amount of running will make me forget what Maya looked like after I pulled that lever? Do you think I could ever run far enough to forget that you fucking hate me for what I did?" His voice was rising the longer he went on, until he was shouting. "I can never get away from what I did, and I don't even know if I'm allowed to want to get away from it! I know I fucked up! I know I can't live that down! What more do you want from me?"


He stopped screaming and stared, panting, at Jasper.

To his surprise, Jasper didn't yell back at him. He had dropped his hand and was staring back at Bellamy, his cheeks wet. Slowly, Jasper opened his mouth to speak, but it almost looked like a slow-motion gasp. Then Jasper closed his mouth.

Bellamy looked away, trying to control his breathing, trying not to lose it any more than he already had.

When Jasper spoke again, it was much calmer. "Tha's a start," he said.

Bellamy lifted a shaking hand to wipe at his face. He wasn't surprised when his palm came away wet. "I dream about her," he said hoarsely. "The kids, too, but Maya--" He broke off and looked away. He wasn't even sure if he should say her name in front of Jasper. "Every time I close my eyes, I can see her face, or theirs." Or yours, now, he didn't say aloud.

Jasper looked back up at him, tears streaming again, though he still looked surprised by Bellamy's words. "Me too," Jasper breathed. "I din' think you…"

Bellamy exhaled shakily. "Why do you think I spent so much time outside the compound?" he asked. "I can't sleep or I see their faces. So I go out there and make myself useful." He bit his lip and forced himself to keep looking at Jasper. "If I'm not alert out there, I end up dead. So it keeps me alert." Mostly.

"If'I'm alone, I--" Jaspered stopped, wiping a hand down his face. He reached a hand out for the bottle Bellamy was holding.

"You're not alone," Bellamy said, and chucked the bottle out the tent flap instead of handing it to Jasper. "How do you not get that you aren't alone unless you choose to be alone?" His breathing was starting to even out, but his hands were still shaking. "You've got Monty." He shook his head and looked away. "And you'd have me, if you wanted."

"Monty has you," Jasper said. "Not that I…" he trailed off.

Bellamy snorted. "Monty is your best friend, Jasper. He's never going to not have your back. Trust me on that." He shook his head. "And while we're on the subject, stop being such a shit to him. He didn't do anything to deserve you shutting him out like this." Of course, he had, but Bellamy was never going to tell Jasper that.

"I'm trying," Jasper said.

Bellamy's knees were shaking now, too. He'd gotten maybe an hour of sleep last night, but he'd spent most of it staking out the perimeter and looking for a good place to get out. For some reason, Kane trusted Lincoln to go outside, but not Bellamy. Not that it was going to keep him inside much longer.

"I gotta go," Bellamy said finally. Because he didn't really want his legs to give out in front of Jasper. "Sleep it off, okay? And maybe talk to Monty tomorrow. He misses you." He started for the door, wondering if he could pick up the bottle of hooch outside without falling over.




Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5