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geekystudmuffinTitle: Lips That Have Smiled, Eyes That Have Shed Tears - Chapter 2a/12
Fandom: The 100
Pairing: Bellamy/Jackson, mentions of Abby Griffin/Jake Griffin
Rating: NC-17/FRAO
WC: ~82,000
Characters: Bellamy Blake, Jackson, Octavia Blake, Aurora Blake, Marcus Kane, Inspector Grus, Abby Griffin, Clarke Griffin, Monty Green, Jasper Jordan, various OCs
Warnings: Bullying, minor character death, alcohol abuse
Notes: We're posting in chapters, but this is not a WIP. We also stayed mostly canon-compliant, but hand-waved a few things while writing this. The Ark doesn't have a limited supply of water in this fic. The timeline of Monty & Jasper's arrest is moved up a bit. And Jackson's backstory is AU, as this was written before 3x10, "Fallen", revealed info about Jackson's mother. Also, neither of us speak Hindi, so the single sentence we wrote in Hindi was googled. If you speak Hindi, and we got it wrong, our feelings will not be hurt if you correct us. :)
Summary: Bellamy Blake isn't one of the privileged on the Ark. His life as a guard cadet would be a lot easier if he weren't trying to keep his mother's secrets and protect his sister. What Bellamy doesn't realize is just how much a certain doctor has figured out about his problems, and how much Doctor Jackson wants to help.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One
Chapter Two - Part One
Bellamy spent a couple of days after his chess match with Jackson alternating between hating himself for being a vulnerable idiot and wanting to find Jackson and ask if he'd imagined their conversation. The conflicting emotions kept him on top of his game during combat training, but when he got back home and his mother asked him to help Octavia with her lessons, it was less helpful.
"What is wrong with you?" Octavia finally demanded on the second evening. "I've been trying to recite the American presidents to you for ten minutes and you keep not correcting me when I mess up Abraham Lincoln and Andrew Johnson."
Bellamy glared at her, but at sixteen, she didn't intimidate as easily as she used to.
"Spill," she said. "I know you're keeping something from Mom."
"God," he muttered. What wasn't he keeping from their mother at this point? But he looked at Octavia and sighed. "You remember the other night, when Mom flipped out because someone showed up unplanned?"
"And you didn't come back for hours?" Octavia folded her arms across her chest. "I remember."
Bellamy scowled vaguely at her. "He said I was handsome. Jackson did."
Her eyes widened. "And you think he's handsome, right? He's the doctor."
Bellamy rolled his eyes. "Yes, he's the doctor," he agreed. It was hard to keep anything from Octavia; she was so hungry to know about the world outside, and Bellamy couldn't refuse her the way he could other people.
"So you told him he's handsome, too," she said, grinning. "And... You need help sneaking out to see him again?"
He glared at her, feeling his cheeks get hot. "This isn't fucking Romeo and Juliet, O. I could go see him if I wanted to."
She arched an eyebrow at him. "So go, already."
"I'm not--"
"You're scared."
Bellamy shoved her gently. "I'm not scared."
"You're scared," she repeated.
"Shut up," Bellamy snapped. "You're supposed to be saying American presidents." But he couldn't ignore the way she snickered when she got to Abraham Lincoln when she recited them in order.
After their mom got back from delivering the mending work she'd done, Bellamy said he was going out for a while, and even though their mom just shrugged and told him not to stay out too late, he could see Octavia smirking at him from behind the door.
Which was how he found himself lingering outside Medical, trying to decide whether to go in and see if Jackson was still at work, even though Bellamy hadn't sorted things out properly in his own mind.
He stood there for maybe ten minutes before he decided it was stupid and he should leave. He strode away from the door and down a mostly empty hallway in the direction of Factory Station, and then Jackson rounded the corner of the opposite end of the hallway.
He was pushing what appeared to be a pretty heavy cart of medical supplies, and looked exhausted. He didn't see Bellamy at first, but when he did, his face lit up. Well, as much as it could considering the darkened rings around his eyes. "Bellamy," he said, slowing to a stop once he got closer.
Bellamy scowled down at the cart. Dr. Griffin was working him too hard. "I'd just decided you probably weren't at work, since it's so late," he fibbed. "Let me have that." He took the cart from Jackson and started toward Medical. "Doesn't Dr. Griffin give you any time to sleep?" he grumbled.
"I'm fine," Jackson said. After a moment, he let out an explosive sigh that Bellamy realized was several feet behind him now. When he glanced back over his shoulder, Jackson was standing where he'd left him, hands outstretched at his sides, looking a little like he didn't understand the concept of someone else doing the heavy lifting for him. "I had that," he said, but then sighed again and dropped his hands. After a moment, he started walking to catch up.
"You look exhausted," Bellamy said. He waited until Jackson had caught up with him before he started walking again. He looked down at the cart for a moment, then said, "I haven't finished your book yet. Reading poetry is different than history."
That felt like a stupid thing to say, but it had the virtue of being true, and something he was one hundred percent certain of.
"Yeah," Jackson said. "History's a lot drier." After a moment, he snorted. "Says the man who likes reading the DSM."
Octavia had been right, Bellamy realized. He was scared. He'd never told her about the hard parts of life on the Ark. He'd always thought she didn't need to know, since she couldn't see it for herself. In fact, Bellamy had never talked to anyone about the hard parts of life.
Except Jackson. Who somehow saw through him.
If Bellamy were smart, he'd be running in the other direction. But some part of him wanted to be seen.
It was terrifying.
"I like it," he offered after a moment. "It's just... I have to--well, not think about it more than history." He darted a sideways glance at Jackson's face, admiring the doctor's easy courage. Then he looked forward again. "Feel more, I guess," he breathed finally.
Jackson tilted his head, considering Bellamy's words. "I think that's why I like it. I spend a lot of time being who I need to be and not letting go. I like how Whitman helps me let go."
Bellamy gave him a disbelieving look. "Why would you want to feel more?" he blurted. "God. That's terrifying." Then he felt a wash of embarrassment that he'd admitted that.
Jackson gaze on him was kind. "I want to feel more good things," he said. "And you can't feel the good without the bad. One informs the other." He sighed and rubbed his face. "I am tired. I sound like I'm trying to start a cult."
Bellamy couldn't help but laugh. "I'm tempted to go in there and tell Dr. Griffin you need to sleep," he said, stopping the cart as he reached the door to Medical. "You don't really sound like you're starting a cult. But you do sound tired."
Jackson gave him a crooked, warm smile. "I've gotta put all this up, and Abby seems overwhelmed. I can sleep when I'm dead." His smile pulled into a faint grin.
That made Bellamy frown at him. "I'm told that sleep-deprived guards make mistakes," he said. "Pretty sure doctors aren't any different from guards in that respect."
Jackson's smile faded. "I'm needed here," he said. "What are you going to do, bark orders at Abby, then put me to bed yourself?"
Bellamy sighed. He'd been trying to...well, he wasn't sure what he'd been trying to do. "I wouldn't dare bark orders at Dr. Griffin," he said, and pushed the cart into Medical himself. He'd intended to let Jackson have it back, but if Jackson was going to be stubborn...well, if Jackson was going to be stubborn, Bellamy would have to be stubborn back at him. Because someone should put Jackson to bed. And Dr. Griffin ought to know better. "But I might make a suggestion in her general direction," he added over his shoulder.
He heard Jackson sigh behind him, and then follow him in. "Over there," he said, pointing toward the corner of the room where the cart needed to go. "I have a babysitter, Abby," he said, then started unloading the cart as Bellamy pushed it.
"Do you?" Abby said, looking over her shoulder. "Ah. Good evening, Cadet Blake. Here to make Jackson finally leave?" her tone was arch, but not unfriendly.
Bellamy tried to suppress a grin as he pushed the cart over to where Jackson had indicated. He wasn't quite sure he'd succeeded. "I'm not sure that's my place, ma'am."
Jackson sighed heavily. "Abby, just let me finish this."
Bellamy watched in fascination as Abby glanced at Bellamy and nodded slightly. Then she walked over to Jackson. "If you promise that as soon as you are finished, you will let Cadet Blake walk you home, then I will let you finish it," she said. She darted another glance at Bellamy. "Assuming you have no pressing duties, Cadet," she added.
Bellamy straightened. "No, ma'am," he said equably. "I'm at liberty for the evening, and just wanted to stop by to see Jackson."
Jackson glanced between them, then said, "Fine." He looked a little defeated, but he started unloading the cart as Abby walked away.
After a couple of minutes, Jackson pointed to the medium sized boxes nearest Bellamy, then pointed to a cabinet behind his head. "These go in there," he said. Bellamy inspected the box, making no sense of the labeling, but found other boxes that matched in the cabinet Jackson had pointed to. He started stacking.
Bellamy was good at following orders. He had a feeling he finished unloading the cart before Jackson was really ready to leave Medical. Bellamy glanced at Dr. Griffin's back, bent over her desk, but he didn't have the guts to say anything to her, so he headed over to look questioningly at Jackson.
Jackson looked at him tiredly, then watched Abby for a long moment. Finally, he sighed and nodded at Bellamy before heading reluctantly to the door. "You know where I am, Abby," he called.
"Hopefully going to bed," she called back. "Don't let me see you before noon."
Bellamy blinked at her back, wondering if she thought he and Jackson were already...well, if they were... Frowning thoughtfully, he led the way out of Medical and towards Jackson's quarters, uncomfortably aware that his face was hot. He wondered if he'd been too obvious somehow, or if he was reading too much into all of it and Dr. Griffin just thought they were friends.
When they got to Jackson's quarters, Jackson opened the door without unlocking it. This was the second time he'd been to Jackson's rooms, and the second time Jackson had left his door unlocked. Bellamy couldn't imagine being so relaxed in his home that the door would be left unlocked.
Jackson looked over at Bell. "I don't suppose you actually want to put me to bed, do you?" he said, smiling faintly, then sobered a little. "I mean, not like… I'm not expecting anything."
Bellamy snorted, torn between being amused and wanting to run. Part of him still didn't trust this...whatever it was. It wasn't that he didn't trust Jackson, because--to his surprise--he did. It was more that he didn't trust the general concept of happiness. "I didn't think you were," he said. "But I might come in just to make sure you actually go to bed."
Then he wondered if he were being too presumptuous. He'd avoided Jackson since their chess match, and then he showed up telling him he needed more sleep and collaborating with Dr. Griffin to make him leave Medical.
Then again...it had been Jackson who suggested--albeit sarcastically--that Bellamy put him to bed himself. Maybe it would be easier to be open with someone in a dark room.
Jackson nodded, then went inside, pulling the door shut behind Bellamy after he came in (and not locking it, Bellamy noticed). He started toeing off his shoes as soon as the door was closed, then he grabbed a bottle of water from his fridge. "Do you want anything?" he said.
"I'm fine," Bellamy said, watching him.
"Well, you know where it's at, if you change your mind." Jackson put a bottle of water on his bedside table, then tugged his lab coat off and hung it on a hook near his bed. He seemed to hesitate then, and looked up at Bellamy. "I sleep in my boxers. I'm pretty okay with you seeing that, but if you don't want to, you can look away and I'll let you know when I'm under the covers."
He only gave Bellamy about three seconds to decide before he started tugging his scrubs top off.
Bellamy's heart started pounding. 'Pretty okay' sounded like a half-hearted invitation, but he couldn't deny he wanted to look. He watched Jackson get his shirt off and couldn't ignore the rush of attraction that went through him at the sight of Jackson's lean, muscled chest. Then he realized he was staring and decided to get a bottle of water from the fridge after all.
"How is this so easy for you?" he asked over his shoulder. He thought of the way Jackson's whole face had brightened when he saw Bellamy. "Are you just...not afraid of getting hurt?" He took a long drink before turning back to face Jackson.
"I have been," Jackson said thoughtfully. He was folding his scrubs neatly and putting them in a small drawer. "I am. I'm choosing hope, though." He climbed into his bed and tugged the covers up to around his ribs, leaving his chest exposed, then closed his eyes. "Abby… she's let me hide behind work for years. I don't know why, but recently she's been pushing me to pursue… other things. And I trust her."
Bellamy nodded slowly. He glanced around the room for the light switch, memorizing his path back to Jackson's bed. God, he hoped he had the courage to stay for a while. He flipped the lights out and shuffled back to sit gingerly on the foot of the bed. "I shouldn't keep you awake, since Doctor Griffin kind of gave me orders to make you go to bed." He took a breath, grateful for the darkness. "Does she...um. She seemed to take it for granted that I had the right to walk you home."
Jackson sighed. "I talked to her the other day about transferring you into her care instead of mine. It's not exactly ethical for me to look at my patients the way I look at you."
Bellamy snorted, though he felt a pleased warmth in his chest at those words. "I don't mind you looking, so why should it matter?"
"Because…" Jackson drew a sleepy breath. "There are certain lines a doctor shouldn't cross with his patient. Because I could accidentally manipulate you, or your attraction to me could be misguided."
That made Bellamy laugh aloud. "Trust me, I don't have a thing for doctors in general," he said. "And I'm pretty sure I know manipulation when I see it. You're not that guy." He took a slow breath, wondering if Jackson were having second thoughts about this. Then again, Doctor Griffin hadn't seemed to disapprove when she saw Bellamy earlier. "I...I trust you," he said softly. "Because you earned it. Not because you're a doctor."
Jackson shifted in bed, and through the darkness, Bellamy could see him lift his head to look at Bell. "You sure I earned it on my own?" he said. "Not because I already felt safe to confide in because I was your doctor first?"
Bellamy hummed thoughtfully. "You never saw me talking to Doctor Griffin, did you?" he said. "The only way your being a doctor comes into it is because I might not have met you otherwise." He frowned at that thought. Looked at in that light, maybe all of this had been worth it, since it had let him meet Jackson. He shifted a little so he was facing Jackson, and hesitantly lifted a hand to rest on Jackson's shin under the covers. "I'm glad I met you," he whispered.
Jackson shifted onto his back and dropped his head back down to his pillow. "Me too," he murmured, sounding pleased. "I doesn't matter now anyway. I've already crossed too many lines to turn back. I just undressed in front of you." He yawned.
"Doctor Griffin didn't seem to disapprove," Bellamy said. He smiled faintly, feeling the scab on his lip pull a little without actually hurting. "She trusted me to make you rest. I should probably go." He didn't move, though. He didn't want to go. There was something comforting in this. When Octavia was younger, Bellamy had sat with her until she fell asleep sometimes. It made him feel less alone.
Jackson sighed and draped his arm over his face. "If you want to, you can," he murmured. "But you don't have to."
Bellamy wondered if he would ever get used to how easy it seemed for Jackson to be vulnerable. Bell exhaled slowly and stayed where he was.
Jackson was silent for a minute or so, then he murmured, "Thank you."
"For what?" Bell said softly.
"Staying," Jackson breathed.
Bellamy hummed and settled in a little more comfortably. "You're welcome."
Jackson made a sleepy noise, then fell silent. After a few minutes, his breathing started to deepen and slow down. Bellamy was beginning to think he was out, but then Jackson spoke again. "Hope you 'preciate the lev'l of restraint m'showing." He didn't sound quite awake anymore.
Bellamy huffed a laugh and closed his eyes, listening to Jackson's breathing slow further. At some point he realized he'd unconsciously matched his own breathing to Jackson's. He smiled faintly and wondered what this ridiculous feeling was. Contentment? It felt good.
When he was certain Jackson was asleep, Bellamy stood and picked his way carefully to the door. He paused for a moment there, his smile strengthening. This almost didn't feel real. With a last glance over his shoulder, he let himself out, locking the door behind him.
Go to Chapter Two - Part Two
Fandom: The 100
Pairing: Bellamy/Jackson, mentions of Abby Griffin/Jake Griffin
Rating: NC-17/FRAO
WC: ~82,000
Characters: Bellamy Blake, Jackson, Octavia Blake, Aurora Blake, Marcus Kane, Inspector Grus, Abby Griffin, Clarke Griffin, Monty Green, Jasper Jordan, various OCs
Warnings: Bullying, minor character death, alcohol abuse
Notes: We're posting in chapters, but this is not a WIP. We also stayed mostly canon-compliant, but hand-waved a few things while writing this. The Ark doesn't have a limited supply of water in this fic. The timeline of Monty & Jasper's arrest is moved up a bit. And Jackson's backstory is AU, as this was written before 3x10, "Fallen", revealed info about Jackson's mother. Also, neither of us speak Hindi, so the single sentence we wrote in Hindi was googled. If you speak Hindi, and we got it wrong, our feelings will not be hurt if you correct us. :)
Summary: Bellamy Blake isn't one of the privileged on the Ark. His life as a guard cadet would be a lot easier if he weren't trying to keep his mother's secrets and protect his sister. What Bellamy doesn't realize is just how much a certain doctor has figured out about his problems, and how much Doctor Jackson wants to help.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One
Chapter Two - Part One
Bellamy spent a couple of days after his chess match with Jackson alternating between hating himself for being a vulnerable idiot and wanting to find Jackson and ask if he'd imagined their conversation. The conflicting emotions kept him on top of his game during combat training, but when he got back home and his mother asked him to help Octavia with her lessons, it was less helpful.
"What is wrong with you?" Octavia finally demanded on the second evening. "I've been trying to recite the American presidents to you for ten minutes and you keep not correcting me when I mess up Abraham Lincoln and Andrew Johnson."
Bellamy glared at her, but at sixteen, she didn't intimidate as easily as she used to.
"Spill," she said. "I know you're keeping something from Mom."
"God," he muttered. What wasn't he keeping from their mother at this point? But he looked at Octavia and sighed. "You remember the other night, when Mom flipped out because someone showed up unplanned?"
"And you didn't come back for hours?" Octavia folded her arms across her chest. "I remember."
Bellamy scowled vaguely at her. "He said I was handsome. Jackson did."
Her eyes widened. "And you think he's handsome, right? He's the doctor."
Bellamy rolled his eyes. "Yes, he's the doctor," he agreed. It was hard to keep anything from Octavia; she was so hungry to know about the world outside, and Bellamy couldn't refuse her the way he could other people.
"So you told him he's handsome, too," she said, grinning. "And... You need help sneaking out to see him again?"
He glared at her, feeling his cheeks get hot. "This isn't fucking Romeo and Juliet, O. I could go see him if I wanted to."
She arched an eyebrow at him. "So go, already."
"I'm not--"
"You're scared."
Bellamy shoved her gently. "I'm not scared."
"You're scared," she repeated.
"Shut up," Bellamy snapped. "You're supposed to be saying American presidents." But he couldn't ignore the way she snickered when she got to Abraham Lincoln when she recited them in order.
After their mom got back from delivering the mending work she'd done, Bellamy said he was going out for a while, and even though their mom just shrugged and told him not to stay out too late, he could see Octavia smirking at him from behind the door.
Which was how he found himself lingering outside Medical, trying to decide whether to go in and see if Jackson was still at work, even though Bellamy hadn't sorted things out properly in his own mind.
He stood there for maybe ten minutes before he decided it was stupid and he should leave. He strode away from the door and down a mostly empty hallway in the direction of Factory Station, and then Jackson rounded the corner of the opposite end of the hallway.
He was pushing what appeared to be a pretty heavy cart of medical supplies, and looked exhausted. He didn't see Bellamy at first, but when he did, his face lit up. Well, as much as it could considering the darkened rings around his eyes. "Bellamy," he said, slowing to a stop once he got closer.
Bellamy scowled down at the cart. Dr. Griffin was working him too hard. "I'd just decided you probably weren't at work, since it's so late," he fibbed. "Let me have that." He took the cart from Jackson and started toward Medical. "Doesn't Dr. Griffin give you any time to sleep?" he grumbled.
"I'm fine," Jackson said. After a moment, he let out an explosive sigh that Bellamy realized was several feet behind him now. When he glanced back over his shoulder, Jackson was standing where he'd left him, hands outstretched at his sides, looking a little like he didn't understand the concept of someone else doing the heavy lifting for him. "I had that," he said, but then sighed again and dropped his hands. After a moment, he started walking to catch up.
"You look exhausted," Bellamy said. He waited until Jackson had caught up with him before he started walking again. He looked down at the cart for a moment, then said, "I haven't finished your book yet. Reading poetry is different than history."
That felt like a stupid thing to say, but it had the virtue of being true, and something he was one hundred percent certain of.
"Yeah," Jackson said. "History's a lot drier." After a moment, he snorted. "Says the man who likes reading the DSM."
Octavia had been right, Bellamy realized. He was scared. He'd never told her about the hard parts of life on the Ark. He'd always thought she didn't need to know, since she couldn't see it for herself. In fact, Bellamy had never talked to anyone about the hard parts of life.
Except Jackson. Who somehow saw through him.
If Bellamy were smart, he'd be running in the other direction. But some part of him wanted to be seen.
It was terrifying.
"I like it," he offered after a moment. "It's just... I have to--well, not think about it more than history." He darted a sideways glance at Jackson's face, admiring the doctor's easy courage. Then he looked forward again. "Feel more, I guess," he breathed finally.
Jackson tilted his head, considering Bellamy's words. "I think that's why I like it. I spend a lot of time being who I need to be and not letting go. I like how Whitman helps me let go."
Bellamy gave him a disbelieving look. "Why would you want to feel more?" he blurted. "God. That's terrifying." Then he felt a wash of embarrassment that he'd admitted that.
Jackson gaze on him was kind. "I want to feel more good things," he said. "And you can't feel the good without the bad. One informs the other." He sighed and rubbed his face. "I am tired. I sound like I'm trying to start a cult."
Bellamy couldn't help but laugh. "I'm tempted to go in there and tell Dr. Griffin you need to sleep," he said, stopping the cart as he reached the door to Medical. "You don't really sound like you're starting a cult. But you do sound tired."
Jackson gave him a crooked, warm smile. "I've gotta put all this up, and Abby seems overwhelmed. I can sleep when I'm dead." His smile pulled into a faint grin.
That made Bellamy frown at him. "I'm told that sleep-deprived guards make mistakes," he said. "Pretty sure doctors aren't any different from guards in that respect."
Jackson's smile faded. "I'm needed here," he said. "What are you going to do, bark orders at Abby, then put me to bed yourself?"
Bellamy sighed. He'd been trying to...well, he wasn't sure what he'd been trying to do. "I wouldn't dare bark orders at Dr. Griffin," he said, and pushed the cart into Medical himself. He'd intended to let Jackson have it back, but if Jackson was going to be stubborn...well, if Jackson was going to be stubborn, Bellamy would have to be stubborn back at him. Because someone should put Jackson to bed. And Dr. Griffin ought to know better. "But I might make a suggestion in her general direction," he added over his shoulder.
He heard Jackson sigh behind him, and then follow him in. "Over there," he said, pointing toward the corner of the room where the cart needed to go. "I have a babysitter, Abby," he said, then started unloading the cart as Bellamy pushed it.
"Do you?" Abby said, looking over her shoulder. "Ah. Good evening, Cadet Blake. Here to make Jackson finally leave?" her tone was arch, but not unfriendly.
Bellamy tried to suppress a grin as he pushed the cart over to where Jackson had indicated. He wasn't quite sure he'd succeeded. "I'm not sure that's my place, ma'am."
Jackson sighed heavily. "Abby, just let me finish this."
Bellamy watched in fascination as Abby glanced at Bellamy and nodded slightly. Then she walked over to Jackson. "If you promise that as soon as you are finished, you will let Cadet Blake walk you home, then I will let you finish it," she said. She darted another glance at Bellamy. "Assuming you have no pressing duties, Cadet," she added.
Bellamy straightened. "No, ma'am," he said equably. "I'm at liberty for the evening, and just wanted to stop by to see Jackson."
Jackson glanced between them, then said, "Fine." He looked a little defeated, but he started unloading the cart as Abby walked away.
After a couple of minutes, Jackson pointed to the medium sized boxes nearest Bellamy, then pointed to a cabinet behind his head. "These go in there," he said. Bellamy inspected the box, making no sense of the labeling, but found other boxes that matched in the cabinet Jackson had pointed to. He started stacking.
Bellamy was good at following orders. He had a feeling he finished unloading the cart before Jackson was really ready to leave Medical. Bellamy glanced at Dr. Griffin's back, bent over her desk, but he didn't have the guts to say anything to her, so he headed over to look questioningly at Jackson.
Jackson looked at him tiredly, then watched Abby for a long moment. Finally, he sighed and nodded at Bellamy before heading reluctantly to the door. "You know where I am, Abby," he called.
"Hopefully going to bed," she called back. "Don't let me see you before noon."
Bellamy blinked at her back, wondering if she thought he and Jackson were already...well, if they were... Frowning thoughtfully, he led the way out of Medical and towards Jackson's quarters, uncomfortably aware that his face was hot. He wondered if he'd been too obvious somehow, or if he was reading too much into all of it and Dr. Griffin just thought they were friends.
When they got to Jackson's quarters, Jackson opened the door without unlocking it. This was the second time he'd been to Jackson's rooms, and the second time Jackson had left his door unlocked. Bellamy couldn't imagine being so relaxed in his home that the door would be left unlocked.
Jackson looked over at Bell. "I don't suppose you actually want to put me to bed, do you?" he said, smiling faintly, then sobered a little. "I mean, not like… I'm not expecting anything."
Bellamy snorted, torn between being amused and wanting to run. Part of him still didn't trust this...whatever it was. It wasn't that he didn't trust Jackson, because--to his surprise--he did. It was more that he didn't trust the general concept of happiness. "I didn't think you were," he said. "But I might come in just to make sure you actually go to bed."
Then he wondered if he were being too presumptuous. He'd avoided Jackson since their chess match, and then he showed up telling him he needed more sleep and collaborating with Dr. Griffin to make him leave Medical.
Then again...it had been Jackson who suggested--albeit sarcastically--that Bellamy put him to bed himself. Maybe it would be easier to be open with someone in a dark room.
Jackson nodded, then went inside, pulling the door shut behind Bellamy after he came in (and not locking it, Bellamy noticed). He started toeing off his shoes as soon as the door was closed, then he grabbed a bottle of water from his fridge. "Do you want anything?" he said.
"I'm fine," Bellamy said, watching him.
"Well, you know where it's at, if you change your mind." Jackson put a bottle of water on his bedside table, then tugged his lab coat off and hung it on a hook near his bed. He seemed to hesitate then, and looked up at Bellamy. "I sleep in my boxers. I'm pretty okay with you seeing that, but if you don't want to, you can look away and I'll let you know when I'm under the covers."
He only gave Bellamy about three seconds to decide before he started tugging his scrubs top off.
Bellamy's heart started pounding. 'Pretty okay' sounded like a half-hearted invitation, but he couldn't deny he wanted to look. He watched Jackson get his shirt off and couldn't ignore the rush of attraction that went through him at the sight of Jackson's lean, muscled chest. Then he realized he was staring and decided to get a bottle of water from the fridge after all.
"How is this so easy for you?" he asked over his shoulder. He thought of the way Jackson's whole face had brightened when he saw Bellamy. "Are you just...not afraid of getting hurt?" He took a long drink before turning back to face Jackson.
"I have been," Jackson said thoughtfully. He was folding his scrubs neatly and putting them in a small drawer. "I am. I'm choosing hope, though." He climbed into his bed and tugged the covers up to around his ribs, leaving his chest exposed, then closed his eyes. "Abby… she's let me hide behind work for years. I don't know why, but recently she's been pushing me to pursue… other things. And I trust her."
Bellamy nodded slowly. He glanced around the room for the light switch, memorizing his path back to Jackson's bed. God, he hoped he had the courage to stay for a while. He flipped the lights out and shuffled back to sit gingerly on the foot of the bed. "I shouldn't keep you awake, since Doctor Griffin kind of gave me orders to make you go to bed." He took a breath, grateful for the darkness. "Does she...um. She seemed to take it for granted that I had the right to walk you home."
Jackson sighed. "I talked to her the other day about transferring you into her care instead of mine. It's not exactly ethical for me to look at my patients the way I look at you."
Bellamy snorted, though he felt a pleased warmth in his chest at those words. "I don't mind you looking, so why should it matter?"
"Because…" Jackson drew a sleepy breath. "There are certain lines a doctor shouldn't cross with his patient. Because I could accidentally manipulate you, or your attraction to me could be misguided."
That made Bellamy laugh aloud. "Trust me, I don't have a thing for doctors in general," he said. "And I'm pretty sure I know manipulation when I see it. You're not that guy." He took a slow breath, wondering if Jackson were having second thoughts about this. Then again, Doctor Griffin hadn't seemed to disapprove when she saw Bellamy earlier. "I...I trust you," he said softly. "Because you earned it. Not because you're a doctor."
Jackson shifted in bed, and through the darkness, Bellamy could see him lift his head to look at Bell. "You sure I earned it on my own?" he said. "Not because I already felt safe to confide in because I was your doctor first?"
Bellamy hummed thoughtfully. "You never saw me talking to Doctor Griffin, did you?" he said. "The only way your being a doctor comes into it is because I might not have met you otherwise." He frowned at that thought. Looked at in that light, maybe all of this had been worth it, since it had let him meet Jackson. He shifted a little so he was facing Jackson, and hesitantly lifted a hand to rest on Jackson's shin under the covers. "I'm glad I met you," he whispered.
Jackson shifted onto his back and dropped his head back down to his pillow. "Me too," he murmured, sounding pleased. "I doesn't matter now anyway. I've already crossed too many lines to turn back. I just undressed in front of you." He yawned.
"Doctor Griffin didn't seem to disapprove," Bellamy said. He smiled faintly, feeling the scab on his lip pull a little without actually hurting. "She trusted me to make you rest. I should probably go." He didn't move, though. He didn't want to go. There was something comforting in this. When Octavia was younger, Bellamy had sat with her until she fell asleep sometimes. It made him feel less alone.
Jackson sighed and draped his arm over his face. "If you want to, you can," he murmured. "But you don't have to."
Bellamy wondered if he would ever get used to how easy it seemed for Jackson to be vulnerable. Bell exhaled slowly and stayed where he was.
Jackson was silent for a minute or so, then he murmured, "Thank you."
"For what?" Bell said softly.
"Staying," Jackson breathed.
Bellamy hummed and settled in a little more comfortably. "You're welcome."
Jackson made a sleepy noise, then fell silent. After a few minutes, his breathing started to deepen and slow down. Bellamy was beginning to think he was out, but then Jackson spoke again. "Hope you 'preciate the lev'l of restraint m'showing." He didn't sound quite awake anymore.
Bellamy huffed a laugh and closed his eyes, listening to Jackson's breathing slow further. At some point he realized he'd unconsciously matched his own breathing to Jackson's. He smiled faintly and wondered what this ridiculous feeling was. Contentment? It felt good.
When he was certain Jackson was asleep, Bellamy stood and picked his way carefully to the door. He paused for a moment there, his smile strengthening. This almost didn't feel real. With a last glance over his shoulder, he let himself out, locking the door behind him.
Go to Chapter Two - Part Two
