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geekystudmuffinTitle: Lips That Have Smiled, Eyes That Have Shed Tears - Chapter 3/12
Fandom: The 100
Pairing: Bellamy/Jackson, mentions of Abby Griffin/Jake Griffin
Rating: NC-17/FRAO
WC: ~82,000
Characters: Bellamy Blake, Jackson, Octavia Blake, Aurora Blake, Marcus Kane, Inspector Grus, Abby Griffin, Clarke Griffin, Monty Green, Jasper Jordan, various OCs
Warnings: Bullying, minor character death, alcohol abuse
Notes: We're posting in chapters, but this is not a WIP. We also stayed mostly canon-compliant, but hand-waved a few things while writing this. The Ark doesn't have a limited supply of water in this fic. The timeline of Monty & Jasper's arrest is moved up a bit. And Jackson's backstory is AU, as this was written before 3x10, "Fallen", revealed info about Jackson's mother. Also, neither of us speak Hindi, so the single sentence we wrote in Hindi was googled. If you speak Hindi, and we got it wrong, our feelings will not be hurt if you correct us. :)
Summary: Bellamy Blake isn't one of the privileged on the Ark. His life as a guard cadet would be a lot easier if he weren't trying to keep his mother's secrets and protect his sister. What Bellamy doesn't realize is just how much a certain doctor has figured out about his problems, and how much Doctor Jackson wants to help.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One, Chapter Two - Part One, Chapter Two - Part Two
Chapter Three
Bellamy held his breath as he let himself into the Blake quarters. He'd been out a lot later than he'd meant to be, and while it was entirely worth it, he hoped his mother had fallen asleep without waiting up for him to get home.
That hope was dashed as soon as he slipped inside and closed the door gently.
His sister seemed to be asleep in bed, but his mother was sitting at the table looking angry. "Where have you been?" she demanded, her voice hushed to try not to wake Octavia. Then her eyes narrowed, fixed on the top of his head. "What happened to you?"
"I said I was going out with a friend tonight," Bellamy said, trying to watch his tone. "Nothing happened to me. I just lost track of time." He glanced over at Octavia's sleeping form.
"Something happened," she insisted, standing and crossing the room toward him. She stopped a few feet in front of him, looking on edge as she appraised him. "Your hair is a mess and and you look…" She trailed off, apparently not finding the right words. Then her gaze snapped back to his. "What friend?"
Bellamy hadn't really given a thought to how he looked, but as her expression changed, he remembered Jackson's fingers in his hair and the fact that he'd dressed more quickly the second time around. Shit. That wasn't the way he would have chosen to tell her about Jackson. He took a breath and straightened his shoulders. He wouldn't have chosen this, but this was what he had. "Jackson. You met him the other day. He's a doctor."
"Doctor Jackson," she said, her brows drawn together in thought as her eyes still looked Bellamy over. He let her look for several long moments, almost able to see the wheels spinning in her head, and then she sucked in a soft breath. As she met his gaze again, her expression shifted onto one that asked a question full of fear.
Bellamy pressed his lips together, drawing in a slow breath. "He's a good man, Mom," he said softly. "I like him a lot." I more than like him, he thought, but he wasn't sure he could say that aloud to anyone right now, and especially not his mother. He held her gaze, trying to find the right balance between hope and stubbornness.
She was scowling now, though. "No," she said emphatically. "No. It's too risky." She shook her head, looking away from him, then she pressed a hand to her forehead and stepped back a little, looking upset.
"It's not risky," Bellamy protested. "He doesn't know anything about O. He won't know anything about O. I know how to keep a secret by now," he added bitterly. She'd never realized why he had so much trouble in the guard. He knew she blamed him for not being mature enough or having enough self-control or...or something. But every time Bellamy thought about telling her she was the reason he had difficulties, he thought about how much it would hurt her, and he bit his tongue.
"I know you do," she said, sounding just as bitter as he had. "And you may think you'll never tell him now, but things change the closer you let people get." Her eyes were closed, and she slid her hand down to cover them.
"So what?" he snapped, then caught himself and lowered his voice. "I'm supposed to be as lonely and miserable as you are? I can't live like that." He felt horrible as soon as he said it, but the words were out there.
She dropped her hand and stared at him, her expression equal parts wounded and angry. "I have sacrificed everything for this family. For you," she said, her voice low and dangerous. "Don't you ever speak to me like that again, young man."
"You've sacrificed everything for Octavia," Bellamy retorted, his voice low. "And so I have I. And she is worth every sacrifice I've ever made. But I will not walk away from Jackson. I will not hurt him like that after everything he's done for me."
His mother huffed an angry laugh. "Everything he's done for you?" she asked. "Unless you've been keeping things from me, this relationship is just days old?"
Bellamy opened his mouth to snap back at her, but Octavia let out an explosive sigh and sat up, throwing the covers back. "Some of us are trying to sleep," she said. "And no, it isn't 'days' old, Mom. Bellamy's had the hots for Jackson for months."
Bellamy closed his eyes. "Not helping, O."
Their mother turned to frown at Octavia, but the anger ebbed out of her expression when she met Octavia's eyes. "Months?" she said. "You knew about this?"
"Please, he's so obvious," Octavia said. Bellamy made an angry noise and O smirked at him. "Your voice is different when you say his name."
Bellamy sighed. "Yes, fine, I've liked him for months. We've been friends for months." He lowered his head and glared at the floor, because he didn't want Octavia to think he was angry at her, but he couldn't stand to look at his mother right now. "I've spent months trying to hold him at arm's length because I know how fucking dangerous it is." Oh, his mother was going to snap at him for his language. Well, fuck it. "I got tired of being a dick to him for no good reason."
"Watch your mouth," she spat. "You don't have to be mean to him, Bellamy, but you can't let him too close. We can't afford that. Your sister can't afford that. You can't either."
Bellamy looked up at her, wishing he could somehow make himself stop loving his mother. And then he thought what a horrible thing that was to feel. He glanced over at Octavia, but she just shook her head at him. He sighed. "The only way I could make him give up on me would be to do something they'd float me for. He's not scared of anything, Mom. He cared about me when I wouldn't even talk to him. He cared about me when I lied to him. He..." Bellamy huffed a laugh, shaking his head. "He's not like anyone I've ever known."
"He's a doctor. It's his job to care," she muttered, and turned around to walk over to the bed, sitting next to Octavia. She pulled O against her and stroked her shoulder, then kissed the top of her head. "You should go back to sleep, baby," she murmured gently, though her unhappy gaze was still on Bellamy.
"Not if you're going to keep yelling at Bellamy," Octavia said. "He deserves to be happy, Mom. He's never happy. He deserves this."
Bellamy frowned. Why would Octavia say that? He'd been so careful with her, trying to shield her from the bad parts of the Ark. "I'm happy when I'm with you, O," he said, his voice rough.
"That isn't enough." Octavia pulled out of their mother's arms and leveled a gaze at him. "Do you think I don't know you? I know you better than anyone, Bell."
Bellamy kept frowning at her, though his eyes were stinging suddenly. After a moment he looked away, inhaling shakily.
"Leave Bell alone, Mom," Octavia said softly. "Let him be happy."
Their mother was tense, and after a moment, she shook her head. "We all have to make sacrifices," she said, then sighed. "We have each other. That's all we need."
"No, it's not," Bellamy said before he thought, turning his head to glare at his mother. "I don't need you. You need me."
She was on her feet the second he finished speaking. She stalked over to him, her gaze furious, and grabbed him by his collar. "Bellamy Blake, if you say another word…" she hissed. "This conversation is over. You have exactly five minutes to get in bed. I don't need to hear from Grus that you're falling asleep during training."
Rage flared through him that she would bring up Grus in this conversation. Bellamy narrowed his eyes at her. "I'm twenty-one years old," he hissed. "I don't need your daddy looking after me."
He saw rage similar to his own flash across her face, and then she withdrew her hand from his collar. Before he realized what was happening, that same hand smacked hard into his face, snapping his head to one side.
Bellamy stared at the wall in blank shock for a second. He was used to physical violence, but it had never come from his mother. He exhaled sharply and then turned his head back to face his mother, eyes narrowed.
She was staring at him, suddenly breathless and wide-eyed. She opened her mouth to say something, but then couldn't seem to form words.
"Mom," Octavia said, sounding shocked. When she rushed up behind their mother and gripped her shoulders, their mother didn't resist.
Tears were starting to well in her eyes. "Bell," she said, her voice shaking.
He didn't know what he was going to say until he opened his mouth. "I'm gone." His voice was cold and hard, and he almost didn't recognize it. He walked over to the drawer where he kept his clothes and books, and started shoving them in a pack. He was aware that his mother and sister had both said something, but he didn't even listen. He just shouldered his pack and went to the door.
"Bellamy, please, let's just calm down and talk about this," his mother was saying. "I didn't mean to--"
"Let him go, mom," Octavia said.
"Quiet," their mother said. "Bellamy, please."
"Maybe you didn't mean to," Bellamy said quietly. "But you did." He took a slow breath. "I'm leaving."
He walked out the door and pulled it shut firmly behind him. Oh, fuck, what had he just done?
He took a couple of ragged breaths, then straightened and set his shoulders. Fine. He could deal with this. He took a few steps and wondered if Jackson would answer the door if he showed up there in the middle of the night. Jackson had probably passed out. He worked such long hours, and Bellamy had seen how hard he pushed himself.
He rubbed his eyes for a moment and then started walking. If Jackson didn't answer, Bellamy could always grab a bunk in the guard barracks. It wouldn't be ideal, but it would be better than going back home.
When he reached Jackson's quarters, he stared at the door for quite a while before sucking in a deep breath and knocking.
He stood there, expecting it to take some time for Jackson to answer, if he answered at all, but then Jackson was opening the door, his sheet wrapped around him. "Need to dress. What's happened, Abb--" he said, and then he realized who was standing in front of him and he blinked sleepily at Bellamy. "Bell?" he blurted, looking confused, but then he stepped aside for Bellamy to come in.
Bellamy hadn't considered Jackson might be self-programmed to wake up for medical emergencies at all hours of the night. "Hi," he said, not moving. "Uh. Can I stay here tonight? I might've, um." He paused, trying to inject humor he didn't feel into his voice. "I might've just run away from home."
"What?" Jackson said, still looking confused. He glanced blearily into the hallway behind Bell. "Get in here. M'not dressed."
Bellamy stepped inside, hoping Jackson wouldn't get mad and throw him out once he really understood why Bellamy was there. He heard Jackson shut the door, and then he didn't hear the click of the lock, so he reached back to lock it. "I'm sorry to wake you up," he said.
"It's fine," Jackson said, scrubbing a hand over his face and looking around the floor at where he'd left his clothes scattered. "Why would you run away from home?"
Bellamy sighed and swung his pack down from his shoulder. "Let's just say my mother and I don't see eye to eye on some things."
"Oh," Jackson mumbled. Then he suddenly seemed much more alert as he looked up at Bellamy. "Oh. I'm so sorry. This is my fault, isn't it?" he said, his gaze concerned.
"No." Bellamy stepped closer to him, lifting a hand to touch his chin. "No. This is my fault. I should have--I should have stood up to her sooner."
That wasn't quite true, but there was some truth to it, and maybe Jackson would be able to accept it as reason enough.
Jackson frowned at him for a moment, then sighed and let the sheet drop off his shoulders. "She seems…" He sighed again and stepped away, tossing the sheet onto the bed and finding his boxers on the floor. He tugged them on and looked back at Bellamy.
"I don't know. A little controlling," he finished, giving Bellamy a slightly apologetic look.
Bellamy huffed an unhappy laugh. "A little," he agreed, and scrubbed his hands over his face. "I'm sorry to wake you up," he said again.
Jackson shook his head. "It's fine," he said. "Anytime." He walked over to Bellamy and rested his hand on Bell's hip. "Wanna talk about it?" he said gently.
Bellamy leaned into the touch a little. "What I'd really like is to sleep," he said. "As close to you as humanly possible."
What he'd really like was for the Council to decide it was okay for Octavia to exist. For his mother to stop fucking Grus just to keep Bellamy in the guard. For Octavia to be able to see the Ark. But since he couldn't have any of those things, sleeping in Jackson's arms was a pretty good start.
Jackson smiled faintly and leaned in to brush his lips to Bell's. "Sounds good," he said. "Get undressed." He pulled away and started to straighten the sheet he'd just been wearing back into its proper place on the bed.
Bellamy let out a long breath, trying to expel all his anger and shame and unhappiness with that breath. It didn't help much, but he put his pack against the wall and started undressing. His throat and chest felt tight, but he kept telling himself it didn't matter because at least Jackson had welcomed him back.
When he was down to his boxers, he turned to the bed to see Jackson already settled under the sheet. He gave Bellamy a sleepy smile and held it open in invitation.
God. Bellamy felt his eyes start stinging at the genuine affection on Jackson's face. He took a couple more steadying breaths and climbed in bed next to him, pressing himself as close against Jackson's side as he could manage. He concentrated on keeping his breathing even; he knew Jackson would notice how upset he was otherwise.
Jackson slid his fingers into Bellamy's hair and held him close. "I'm sure it'll all blow over in the morning," he breathed, already sounding sleepy again.
Bellamy knew better, but he nodded faintly against Jackson's shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut. "Thanks," he whispered.
"Anytime," Jackson whispered, his breathing slowing.
The crazy thing was, Bellamy actually believed that. Jackson hadn't shown any hesitation or reservation. He'd just invited Bellamy in and accepted his half-true explanation, and... fuck. Bellamy realized, much too late, what his mother had meant. Getting close to someone was dangerous, because now Bellamy was going to hate himself for every lie or half-truth he fed to Jackson.
His breathing hitched, but he held it and pushed the breath out slowly. It didn't matter, he told himself. What mattered was showing Jackson the parts of himself that he could show. He squeezed his eyes shut and breathed in the scent of Jackson's skin. It would be okay. He would make it be okay.
Eventually, after a long while, Bellamy slept.
***
Jackson was mildly confused waking up with Bellamy in his bed, but after a moment, the events of the night before came back to him. Yawning, he detangled himself from Bellamy's arms and kissed his shoulder before getting out of bed.
Bellamy had grunted something at him sleepily, but Jackson told him he had another hour to sleep, and gently pushed his head back to the pillow before getting ready for work.
He locked the door behind him as he left to meet up with the guard that would be joining him in lockup for the day.
He knew the guard by sight, but not well, and the man clearly wasn't interested in small talk. He grunted a greeting at Jackson and fell in behind him as they headed for the Skybox. Abby would expect him in Medical around three for a status check, so Jackson wanted to see as many kids before then as possible. Otherwise he'd be stuck working into the evening, and he was pretty sure he needed to get the full story out of Bellamy.
There were a few sick kids in lockup that Jackson checked on first, and Jackson tried to focus on his work, but he was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with his security for the day. He seemed like he was itching for a reason to use the shock baton on his hip whenever one of the kids moved too fast.
Jackson strode out of the last of the sick kids rooms, and headed for the next cell. "I didn't catch your name," he said calmly, hoping it wasn't obvious that he wanted it so he could request this guard not have Skybox duty again with him.
"I didn't know you needed it," the guard said. "I'm just here to keep you safe from the scary kiddies."
Jackson looked over, frowning at the guard. What was his problem? "Well, if you want to break protocol and leave, be my guest." He knew he would be just as in trouble for treating patients without a guard present as the guard would be for leaving, if he did leave, but this felt… antagonistic, somehow.
He knocked on the next door, calling, "Medical!" then waited a few seconds before starting to unlock the door.
"Oh, I've got orders to keep an eye on you," the guard said. "So I'll do that."
Jackson blinked, wondering why that sounded wrong, but then the door was open and a gawky teenager with a mess of dark hair was grinning at him.
"Hi, doc. I think I need help. I'm having unexplained chronic pain."
The boy next to him started snickering.
"That's not good," Jackson said lightly, smiling at the boy, even though he could tell by the other boy's reaction that the first boy's complaint was probably unserious. "I'll see what I can do for that."
He glanced at his records. Jasper Jordan and Monty Green. Neither of them had had any significant medical issues recorded so far. And they'd been arrested just last week for… oh.
"If you're hoping for medical marijuana, I'm afraid someone's been stealing it," he said, still smiling at them warmly. "Which one of you is Jasper?"
The gawky one smirked at him. "Guilty as charged," he said, and snapped off a salute. Then he stopped smirking. "Of being Jasper. I'm not the one who forgot to replace what we took."
The other boy huffed a sigh. "I've already said I was sorry like a hundred times."
Jackson held back a chuckle… and then suddenly felt a little sad. These boys seemed like good kids, and now they were locked in a cell. Jackson was well aware misuse of medical resources was serious, but he couldn't help but think the Ark would be better off putting these kids to work expanding their resources, rather than locking them up.
Jackson glanced back at the guard to make sure he was still just inside the door, and ignored the way he seemed to be sneering, then walked over and knelt in front of Jasper, checking his vitals.
"Other than this 'chronic pain'," he said, making air quotes, "anything else I should know about?"
"Unexplained cravings?" Jasper said. "Incessant hunger?"
"Total inability to get a date," added Monty.
Jasper glared at him. "Nope. We're both healthy. Super healthy. And bored. Bored is never good for us."
"We got in trouble because we were bored, but I'm pretty sure they've locked us up for our own safety," Monty disagreed. "You might've started plotting a criminal empire if they hadn't."
This time, Jackson didn't stop himself from chuckling. He spent a few minutes on a perfectly healthy-looking Jasper, then shifted over to Monty. "You'll have to forgive me if I can't imagine either of you as a hardened drug kingpin."
He wrapped a blood pressure cuff around Monty's arm. "You two are new in here. They'll get you something to keep yourselves occupied with soon. Even if it's just cards, it'll be something."
Monty brightened, but Jasper groaned. "If I have to watch him do the same magic trick over and over for the next two years…"
"I know more than one," Monty protested.
"You're here to treat the little bastards if they're sick, doc," the guard said then. "Not cozy up to 'em. Half of these shitheads do something once they're inside to earn them an automatic floating at eighteen, anyway."
Jackson felt Monty tense, and the boy ducked his head. When he looked back up a moment later, there was fear mixed with anger in his dark eyes.
Jackson clenched his jaw and looked over to see Jasper had lowered his head, his messy hair hanging in his eyes. He was looking at Monty under his bangs.
"Your job," Jackson said, looking back at Monty and trying to keep his temper in check, "is to stand at the door and watch. Not to speak. If you're going to insult my patients, you can step outside." He held Monty's gaze for a moment, hoping he could reassure Monty that he was in control here, not that guard, and then went back to checking Monty's blood pressure.
The guard made an unpleasant noise. "Should've known you're a sucker for hard cases," he said, and yanked the door open. "What with you taking up with Blake." He stepped outside and pulled the door shut behind him.
Jackson's gaze snapped to the closed door, surprised. Oh, was that what the negativity toward him had been about?
"Dude," Jasper said, drawing Jackson's attention back. "No one ever stands up to him." He sounded impressed, and his eyes were wide. "Who's Blake?"
"My boyfriend," Jackson said, then looked at Monty, who still looked mad. "Do you know his name? He wouldn't tell me."
Monty frowned. "Allard, I think. Or is it Ballard?"
"Allard," Jasper put in.
"You should be careful," Monty said, his voice low. "Jasper's right. No one ever stands up to him. And he's not one of the good ones. He likes hurting people." His gaze was intent on Jackson's. "You should probably warn your boyfriend he doesn't like him."
Jackson gave Monty an unhappy smile. "My boyfriend's a guar cadet. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend knows already." He put his hand on Monty's. "I'll report him once I get done here. Maybe I can get him out of the Skybox and away from you all."
"No offense," Monty said, "but why would you do that? We're just little bastards who're going to get ourselves floated." His voice was more bitter than afraid, but Jackson heard the fear lingering.
He glanced between the two friends for a moment. Jasper looked unhappy now too. "I don't believe that," Jackson said, his smile strengthening.
He felt Monty relax a little. "Just be careful," the boy said. "They seem to get away with anything." Then he ducked his head. "Thanks for not writing us off."
"Thanks for the warning," Jackson said, then finished checking Monty out.
By the time he left their room, he had gotten the two friends smiling again, but he knew the process of getting them smiling had probably taken longer than he really needed to have been in that cell.
He walked past Allard without a word to go to the next cell, and heard Allard fall in behind him. The next few hours were tense, but Allard didn't say anything else to him. When Jackson was finished with his patients and they were leaving the Skybox, Jackson glanced over at him.
"I know your name," he said, his voice low, "and I plan to report you to your superior officer as soon as I'm done in Medical."
"Report me?" Allard said, sounding almost amused. "For what? Treating criminals like criminals? Feel free to try, doctor. Oh, and give Blake my regards next time you blow him."
"Float yourself," Jackson said, as calmly as he could manage.
"You first," Allard said softly. Then he was gone before Jackson could say anything else.
Jackson waited until he was sure Allard was far enough away, then let out a shaky breath, pressing a hand to his chest as if he could slow his racing heart.
Allard hadn't seemed too concerned with the idea of someone going to his superior officer, so maybe Jackson should just tell Abby what he'd witnessed and been told.
He checked his watch. He was running a little late now, so he picked up his pace, heading to Medical.
He was almost there when he heard footsteps close behind him. Too close. He started to turn, and then something was covering his head. A bag? A jacket? Jackson felt fear surge up inside him as a large body shoved him into the wall. "Let's play a game, doctor," someone whispered in his ear.
It wasn't Allard's voice, he knew that much.
"You talk to anyone about what you think you know, your pretty cadet boyfriend pays the price."
Jackson opened his mouth to tell his attacker to float himself, but the man shoved him again, hard enough to drive the air out of him. Which, in retrospect, was probably for the best.
"And if you decide not to make Blake take your punishment, we leave you alone after this."
"If you touch a hair on his head…" Jackson panted, hating that his voice shook. He strained against the body against his, but he couldn't get any leverage.
Before he could get anything more out, something heavy hit the back of his head.
Chapter Four
Fandom: The 100
Pairing: Bellamy/Jackson, mentions of Abby Griffin/Jake Griffin
Rating: NC-17/FRAO
WC: ~82,000
Characters: Bellamy Blake, Jackson, Octavia Blake, Aurora Blake, Marcus Kane, Inspector Grus, Abby Griffin, Clarke Griffin, Monty Green, Jasper Jordan, various OCs
Warnings: Bullying, minor character death, alcohol abuse
Notes: We're posting in chapters, but this is not a WIP. We also stayed mostly canon-compliant, but hand-waved a few things while writing this. The Ark doesn't have a limited supply of water in this fic. The timeline of Monty & Jasper's arrest is moved up a bit. And Jackson's backstory is AU, as this was written before 3x10, "Fallen", revealed info about Jackson's mother. Also, neither of us speak Hindi, so the single sentence we wrote in Hindi was googled. If you speak Hindi, and we got it wrong, our feelings will not be hurt if you correct us. :)
Summary: Bellamy Blake isn't one of the privileged on the Ark. His life as a guard cadet would be a lot easier if he weren't trying to keep his mother's secrets and protect his sister. What Bellamy doesn't realize is just how much a certain doctor has figured out about his problems, and how much Doctor Jackson wants to help.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One, Chapter Two - Part One, Chapter Two - Part Two
Chapter Three
Bellamy held his breath as he let himself into the Blake quarters. He'd been out a lot later than he'd meant to be, and while it was entirely worth it, he hoped his mother had fallen asleep without waiting up for him to get home.
That hope was dashed as soon as he slipped inside and closed the door gently.
His sister seemed to be asleep in bed, but his mother was sitting at the table looking angry. "Where have you been?" she demanded, her voice hushed to try not to wake Octavia. Then her eyes narrowed, fixed on the top of his head. "What happened to you?"
"I said I was going out with a friend tonight," Bellamy said, trying to watch his tone. "Nothing happened to me. I just lost track of time." He glanced over at Octavia's sleeping form.
"Something happened," she insisted, standing and crossing the room toward him. She stopped a few feet in front of him, looking on edge as she appraised him. "Your hair is a mess and and you look…" She trailed off, apparently not finding the right words. Then her gaze snapped back to his. "What friend?"
Bellamy hadn't really given a thought to how he looked, but as her expression changed, he remembered Jackson's fingers in his hair and the fact that he'd dressed more quickly the second time around. Shit. That wasn't the way he would have chosen to tell her about Jackson. He took a breath and straightened his shoulders. He wouldn't have chosen this, but this was what he had. "Jackson. You met him the other day. He's a doctor."
"Doctor Jackson," she said, her brows drawn together in thought as her eyes still looked Bellamy over. He let her look for several long moments, almost able to see the wheels spinning in her head, and then she sucked in a soft breath. As she met his gaze again, her expression shifted onto one that asked a question full of fear.
Bellamy pressed his lips together, drawing in a slow breath. "He's a good man, Mom," he said softly. "I like him a lot." I more than like him, he thought, but he wasn't sure he could say that aloud to anyone right now, and especially not his mother. He held her gaze, trying to find the right balance between hope and stubbornness.
She was scowling now, though. "No," she said emphatically. "No. It's too risky." She shook her head, looking away from him, then she pressed a hand to her forehead and stepped back a little, looking upset.
"It's not risky," Bellamy protested. "He doesn't know anything about O. He won't know anything about O. I know how to keep a secret by now," he added bitterly. She'd never realized why he had so much trouble in the guard. He knew she blamed him for not being mature enough or having enough self-control or...or something. But every time Bellamy thought about telling her she was the reason he had difficulties, he thought about how much it would hurt her, and he bit his tongue.
"I know you do," she said, sounding just as bitter as he had. "And you may think you'll never tell him now, but things change the closer you let people get." Her eyes were closed, and she slid her hand down to cover them.
"So what?" he snapped, then caught himself and lowered his voice. "I'm supposed to be as lonely and miserable as you are? I can't live like that." He felt horrible as soon as he said it, but the words were out there.
She dropped her hand and stared at him, her expression equal parts wounded and angry. "I have sacrificed everything for this family. For you," she said, her voice low and dangerous. "Don't you ever speak to me like that again, young man."
"You've sacrificed everything for Octavia," Bellamy retorted, his voice low. "And so I have I. And she is worth every sacrifice I've ever made. But I will not walk away from Jackson. I will not hurt him like that after everything he's done for me."
His mother huffed an angry laugh. "Everything he's done for you?" she asked. "Unless you've been keeping things from me, this relationship is just days old?"
Bellamy opened his mouth to snap back at her, but Octavia let out an explosive sigh and sat up, throwing the covers back. "Some of us are trying to sleep," she said. "And no, it isn't 'days' old, Mom. Bellamy's had the hots for Jackson for months."
Bellamy closed his eyes. "Not helping, O."
Their mother turned to frown at Octavia, but the anger ebbed out of her expression when she met Octavia's eyes. "Months?" she said. "You knew about this?"
"Please, he's so obvious," Octavia said. Bellamy made an angry noise and O smirked at him. "Your voice is different when you say his name."
Bellamy sighed. "Yes, fine, I've liked him for months. We've been friends for months." He lowered his head and glared at the floor, because he didn't want Octavia to think he was angry at her, but he couldn't stand to look at his mother right now. "I've spent months trying to hold him at arm's length because I know how fucking dangerous it is." Oh, his mother was going to snap at him for his language. Well, fuck it. "I got tired of being a dick to him for no good reason."
"Watch your mouth," she spat. "You don't have to be mean to him, Bellamy, but you can't let him too close. We can't afford that. Your sister can't afford that. You can't either."
Bellamy looked up at her, wishing he could somehow make himself stop loving his mother. And then he thought what a horrible thing that was to feel. He glanced over at Octavia, but she just shook her head at him. He sighed. "The only way I could make him give up on me would be to do something they'd float me for. He's not scared of anything, Mom. He cared about me when I wouldn't even talk to him. He cared about me when I lied to him. He..." Bellamy huffed a laugh, shaking his head. "He's not like anyone I've ever known."
"He's a doctor. It's his job to care," she muttered, and turned around to walk over to the bed, sitting next to Octavia. She pulled O against her and stroked her shoulder, then kissed the top of her head. "You should go back to sleep, baby," she murmured gently, though her unhappy gaze was still on Bellamy.
"Not if you're going to keep yelling at Bellamy," Octavia said. "He deserves to be happy, Mom. He's never happy. He deserves this."
Bellamy frowned. Why would Octavia say that? He'd been so careful with her, trying to shield her from the bad parts of the Ark. "I'm happy when I'm with you, O," he said, his voice rough.
"That isn't enough." Octavia pulled out of their mother's arms and leveled a gaze at him. "Do you think I don't know you? I know you better than anyone, Bell."
Bellamy kept frowning at her, though his eyes were stinging suddenly. After a moment he looked away, inhaling shakily.
"Leave Bell alone, Mom," Octavia said softly. "Let him be happy."
Their mother was tense, and after a moment, she shook her head. "We all have to make sacrifices," she said, then sighed. "We have each other. That's all we need."
"No, it's not," Bellamy said before he thought, turning his head to glare at his mother. "I don't need you. You need me."
She was on her feet the second he finished speaking. She stalked over to him, her gaze furious, and grabbed him by his collar. "Bellamy Blake, if you say another word…" she hissed. "This conversation is over. You have exactly five minutes to get in bed. I don't need to hear from Grus that you're falling asleep during training."
Rage flared through him that she would bring up Grus in this conversation. Bellamy narrowed his eyes at her. "I'm twenty-one years old," he hissed. "I don't need your daddy looking after me."
He saw rage similar to his own flash across her face, and then she withdrew her hand from his collar. Before he realized what was happening, that same hand smacked hard into his face, snapping his head to one side.
Bellamy stared at the wall in blank shock for a second. He was used to physical violence, but it had never come from his mother. He exhaled sharply and then turned his head back to face his mother, eyes narrowed.
She was staring at him, suddenly breathless and wide-eyed. She opened her mouth to say something, but then couldn't seem to form words.
"Mom," Octavia said, sounding shocked. When she rushed up behind their mother and gripped her shoulders, their mother didn't resist.
Tears were starting to well in her eyes. "Bell," she said, her voice shaking.
He didn't know what he was going to say until he opened his mouth. "I'm gone." His voice was cold and hard, and he almost didn't recognize it. He walked over to the drawer where he kept his clothes and books, and started shoving them in a pack. He was aware that his mother and sister had both said something, but he didn't even listen. He just shouldered his pack and went to the door.
"Bellamy, please, let's just calm down and talk about this," his mother was saying. "I didn't mean to--"
"Let him go, mom," Octavia said.
"Quiet," their mother said. "Bellamy, please."
"Maybe you didn't mean to," Bellamy said quietly. "But you did." He took a slow breath. "I'm leaving."
He walked out the door and pulled it shut firmly behind him. Oh, fuck, what had he just done?
He took a couple of ragged breaths, then straightened and set his shoulders. Fine. He could deal with this. He took a few steps and wondered if Jackson would answer the door if he showed up there in the middle of the night. Jackson had probably passed out. He worked such long hours, and Bellamy had seen how hard he pushed himself.
He rubbed his eyes for a moment and then started walking. If Jackson didn't answer, Bellamy could always grab a bunk in the guard barracks. It wouldn't be ideal, but it would be better than going back home.
When he reached Jackson's quarters, he stared at the door for quite a while before sucking in a deep breath and knocking.
He stood there, expecting it to take some time for Jackson to answer, if he answered at all, but then Jackson was opening the door, his sheet wrapped around him. "Need to dress. What's happened, Abb--" he said, and then he realized who was standing in front of him and he blinked sleepily at Bellamy. "Bell?" he blurted, looking confused, but then he stepped aside for Bellamy to come in.
Bellamy hadn't considered Jackson might be self-programmed to wake up for medical emergencies at all hours of the night. "Hi," he said, not moving. "Uh. Can I stay here tonight? I might've, um." He paused, trying to inject humor he didn't feel into his voice. "I might've just run away from home."
"What?" Jackson said, still looking confused. He glanced blearily into the hallway behind Bell. "Get in here. M'not dressed."
Bellamy stepped inside, hoping Jackson wouldn't get mad and throw him out once he really understood why Bellamy was there. He heard Jackson shut the door, and then he didn't hear the click of the lock, so he reached back to lock it. "I'm sorry to wake you up," he said.
"It's fine," Jackson said, scrubbing a hand over his face and looking around the floor at where he'd left his clothes scattered. "Why would you run away from home?"
Bellamy sighed and swung his pack down from his shoulder. "Let's just say my mother and I don't see eye to eye on some things."
"Oh," Jackson mumbled. Then he suddenly seemed much more alert as he looked up at Bellamy. "Oh. I'm so sorry. This is my fault, isn't it?" he said, his gaze concerned.
"No." Bellamy stepped closer to him, lifting a hand to touch his chin. "No. This is my fault. I should have--I should have stood up to her sooner."
That wasn't quite true, but there was some truth to it, and maybe Jackson would be able to accept it as reason enough.
Jackson frowned at him for a moment, then sighed and let the sheet drop off his shoulders. "She seems…" He sighed again and stepped away, tossing the sheet onto the bed and finding his boxers on the floor. He tugged them on and looked back at Bellamy.
"I don't know. A little controlling," he finished, giving Bellamy a slightly apologetic look.
Bellamy huffed an unhappy laugh. "A little," he agreed, and scrubbed his hands over his face. "I'm sorry to wake you up," he said again.
Jackson shook his head. "It's fine," he said. "Anytime." He walked over to Bellamy and rested his hand on Bell's hip. "Wanna talk about it?" he said gently.
Bellamy leaned into the touch a little. "What I'd really like is to sleep," he said. "As close to you as humanly possible."
What he'd really like was for the Council to decide it was okay for Octavia to exist. For his mother to stop fucking Grus just to keep Bellamy in the guard. For Octavia to be able to see the Ark. But since he couldn't have any of those things, sleeping in Jackson's arms was a pretty good start.
Jackson smiled faintly and leaned in to brush his lips to Bell's. "Sounds good," he said. "Get undressed." He pulled away and started to straighten the sheet he'd just been wearing back into its proper place on the bed.
Bellamy let out a long breath, trying to expel all his anger and shame and unhappiness with that breath. It didn't help much, but he put his pack against the wall and started undressing. His throat and chest felt tight, but he kept telling himself it didn't matter because at least Jackson had welcomed him back.
When he was down to his boxers, he turned to the bed to see Jackson already settled under the sheet. He gave Bellamy a sleepy smile and held it open in invitation.
God. Bellamy felt his eyes start stinging at the genuine affection on Jackson's face. He took a couple more steadying breaths and climbed in bed next to him, pressing himself as close against Jackson's side as he could manage. He concentrated on keeping his breathing even; he knew Jackson would notice how upset he was otherwise.
Jackson slid his fingers into Bellamy's hair and held him close. "I'm sure it'll all blow over in the morning," he breathed, already sounding sleepy again.
Bellamy knew better, but he nodded faintly against Jackson's shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut. "Thanks," he whispered.
"Anytime," Jackson whispered, his breathing slowing.
The crazy thing was, Bellamy actually believed that. Jackson hadn't shown any hesitation or reservation. He'd just invited Bellamy in and accepted his half-true explanation, and... fuck. Bellamy realized, much too late, what his mother had meant. Getting close to someone was dangerous, because now Bellamy was going to hate himself for every lie or half-truth he fed to Jackson.
His breathing hitched, but he held it and pushed the breath out slowly. It didn't matter, he told himself. What mattered was showing Jackson the parts of himself that he could show. He squeezed his eyes shut and breathed in the scent of Jackson's skin. It would be okay. He would make it be okay.
Eventually, after a long while, Bellamy slept.
***
Jackson was mildly confused waking up with Bellamy in his bed, but after a moment, the events of the night before came back to him. Yawning, he detangled himself from Bellamy's arms and kissed his shoulder before getting out of bed.
Bellamy had grunted something at him sleepily, but Jackson told him he had another hour to sleep, and gently pushed his head back to the pillow before getting ready for work.
He locked the door behind him as he left to meet up with the guard that would be joining him in lockup for the day.
He knew the guard by sight, but not well, and the man clearly wasn't interested in small talk. He grunted a greeting at Jackson and fell in behind him as they headed for the Skybox. Abby would expect him in Medical around three for a status check, so Jackson wanted to see as many kids before then as possible. Otherwise he'd be stuck working into the evening, and he was pretty sure he needed to get the full story out of Bellamy.
There were a few sick kids in lockup that Jackson checked on first, and Jackson tried to focus on his work, but he was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with his security for the day. He seemed like he was itching for a reason to use the shock baton on his hip whenever one of the kids moved too fast.
Jackson strode out of the last of the sick kids rooms, and headed for the next cell. "I didn't catch your name," he said calmly, hoping it wasn't obvious that he wanted it so he could request this guard not have Skybox duty again with him.
"I didn't know you needed it," the guard said. "I'm just here to keep you safe from the scary kiddies."
Jackson looked over, frowning at the guard. What was his problem? "Well, if you want to break protocol and leave, be my guest." He knew he would be just as in trouble for treating patients without a guard present as the guard would be for leaving, if he did leave, but this felt… antagonistic, somehow.
He knocked on the next door, calling, "Medical!" then waited a few seconds before starting to unlock the door.
"Oh, I've got orders to keep an eye on you," the guard said. "So I'll do that."
Jackson blinked, wondering why that sounded wrong, but then the door was open and a gawky teenager with a mess of dark hair was grinning at him.
"Hi, doc. I think I need help. I'm having unexplained chronic pain."
The boy next to him started snickering.
"That's not good," Jackson said lightly, smiling at the boy, even though he could tell by the other boy's reaction that the first boy's complaint was probably unserious. "I'll see what I can do for that."
He glanced at his records. Jasper Jordan and Monty Green. Neither of them had had any significant medical issues recorded so far. And they'd been arrested just last week for… oh.
"If you're hoping for medical marijuana, I'm afraid someone's been stealing it," he said, still smiling at them warmly. "Which one of you is Jasper?"
The gawky one smirked at him. "Guilty as charged," he said, and snapped off a salute. Then he stopped smirking. "Of being Jasper. I'm not the one who forgot to replace what we took."
The other boy huffed a sigh. "I've already said I was sorry like a hundred times."
Jackson held back a chuckle… and then suddenly felt a little sad. These boys seemed like good kids, and now they were locked in a cell. Jackson was well aware misuse of medical resources was serious, but he couldn't help but think the Ark would be better off putting these kids to work expanding their resources, rather than locking them up.
Jackson glanced back at the guard to make sure he was still just inside the door, and ignored the way he seemed to be sneering, then walked over and knelt in front of Jasper, checking his vitals.
"Other than this 'chronic pain'," he said, making air quotes, "anything else I should know about?"
"Unexplained cravings?" Jasper said. "Incessant hunger?"
"Total inability to get a date," added Monty.
Jasper glared at him. "Nope. We're both healthy. Super healthy. And bored. Bored is never good for us."
"We got in trouble because we were bored, but I'm pretty sure they've locked us up for our own safety," Monty disagreed. "You might've started plotting a criminal empire if they hadn't."
This time, Jackson didn't stop himself from chuckling. He spent a few minutes on a perfectly healthy-looking Jasper, then shifted over to Monty. "You'll have to forgive me if I can't imagine either of you as a hardened drug kingpin."
He wrapped a blood pressure cuff around Monty's arm. "You two are new in here. They'll get you something to keep yourselves occupied with soon. Even if it's just cards, it'll be something."
Monty brightened, but Jasper groaned. "If I have to watch him do the same magic trick over and over for the next two years…"
"I know more than one," Monty protested.
"You're here to treat the little bastards if they're sick, doc," the guard said then. "Not cozy up to 'em. Half of these shitheads do something once they're inside to earn them an automatic floating at eighteen, anyway."
Jackson felt Monty tense, and the boy ducked his head. When he looked back up a moment later, there was fear mixed with anger in his dark eyes.
Jackson clenched his jaw and looked over to see Jasper had lowered his head, his messy hair hanging in his eyes. He was looking at Monty under his bangs.
"Your job," Jackson said, looking back at Monty and trying to keep his temper in check, "is to stand at the door and watch. Not to speak. If you're going to insult my patients, you can step outside." He held Monty's gaze for a moment, hoping he could reassure Monty that he was in control here, not that guard, and then went back to checking Monty's blood pressure.
The guard made an unpleasant noise. "Should've known you're a sucker for hard cases," he said, and yanked the door open. "What with you taking up with Blake." He stepped outside and pulled the door shut behind him.
Jackson's gaze snapped to the closed door, surprised. Oh, was that what the negativity toward him had been about?
"Dude," Jasper said, drawing Jackson's attention back. "No one ever stands up to him." He sounded impressed, and his eyes were wide. "Who's Blake?"
"My boyfriend," Jackson said, then looked at Monty, who still looked mad. "Do you know his name? He wouldn't tell me."
Monty frowned. "Allard, I think. Or is it Ballard?"
"Allard," Jasper put in.
"You should be careful," Monty said, his voice low. "Jasper's right. No one ever stands up to him. And he's not one of the good ones. He likes hurting people." His gaze was intent on Jackson's. "You should probably warn your boyfriend he doesn't like him."
Jackson gave Monty an unhappy smile. "My boyfriend's a guar cadet. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend knows already." He put his hand on Monty's. "I'll report him once I get done here. Maybe I can get him out of the Skybox and away from you all."
"No offense," Monty said, "but why would you do that? We're just little bastards who're going to get ourselves floated." His voice was more bitter than afraid, but Jackson heard the fear lingering.
He glanced between the two friends for a moment. Jasper looked unhappy now too. "I don't believe that," Jackson said, his smile strengthening.
He felt Monty relax a little. "Just be careful," the boy said. "They seem to get away with anything." Then he ducked his head. "Thanks for not writing us off."
"Thanks for the warning," Jackson said, then finished checking Monty out.
By the time he left their room, he had gotten the two friends smiling again, but he knew the process of getting them smiling had probably taken longer than he really needed to have been in that cell.
He walked past Allard without a word to go to the next cell, and heard Allard fall in behind him. The next few hours were tense, but Allard didn't say anything else to him. When Jackson was finished with his patients and they were leaving the Skybox, Jackson glanced over at him.
"I know your name," he said, his voice low, "and I plan to report you to your superior officer as soon as I'm done in Medical."
"Report me?" Allard said, sounding almost amused. "For what? Treating criminals like criminals? Feel free to try, doctor. Oh, and give Blake my regards next time you blow him."
"Float yourself," Jackson said, as calmly as he could manage.
"You first," Allard said softly. Then he was gone before Jackson could say anything else.
Jackson waited until he was sure Allard was far enough away, then let out a shaky breath, pressing a hand to his chest as if he could slow his racing heart.
Allard hadn't seemed too concerned with the idea of someone going to his superior officer, so maybe Jackson should just tell Abby what he'd witnessed and been told.
He checked his watch. He was running a little late now, so he picked up his pace, heading to Medical.
He was almost there when he heard footsteps close behind him. Too close. He started to turn, and then something was covering his head. A bag? A jacket? Jackson felt fear surge up inside him as a large body shoved him into the wall. "Let's play a game, doctor," someone whispered in his ear.
It wasn't Allard's voice, he knew that much.
"You talk to anyone about what you think you know, your pretty cadet boyfriend pays the price."
Jackson opened his mouth to tell his attacker to float himself, but the man shoved him again, hard enough to drive the air out of him. Which, in retrospect, was probably for the best.
"And if you decide not to make Blake take your punishment, we leave you alone after this."
"If you touch a hair on his head…" Jackson panted, hating that his voice shook. He strained against the body against his, but he couldn't get any leverage.
Before he could get anything more out, something heavy hit the back of his head.
Chapter Four
