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geekystudmuffinTitle: Lips That Have Smiled, Eyes That Have Shed Tears - Chapter 7/12
Fandom: The 100
Pairing: Bellamy/Jackson, mentions of Abby Griffin/Jake Griffin
Rating: NC-17/FRAO
WC: ~82,000
Characters: Bellamy Blake, Jackson, Octavia Blake, Aurora Blake, Marcus Kane, Inspector Grus, Abby Griffin, Clarke Griffin, Monty Green, Jasper Jordan, various OCs
Warnings: Bullying, minor character death, alcohol abuse
Notes: We're posting in chapters, but this is not a WIP. We also stayed mostly canon-compliant, but hand-waved a few things while writing this. The Ark doesn't have a limited supply of water in this fic. The timeline of Monty & Jasper's arrest is moved up a bit. And Jackson's backstory is AU, as this was written before 3x10, "Fallen", revealed info about Jackson's mother. Also, neither of us speak Hindi, so the single sentence we wrote in Hindi was googled. If you speak Hindi, and we got it wrong, our feelings will not be hurt if you correct us. :)
Summary: Bellamy Blake isn't one of the privileged on the Ark. His life as a guard cadet would be a lot easier if he weren't trying to keep his mother's secrets and protect his sister. What Bellamy doesn't realize is just how much a certain doctor has figured out about his problems, and how much Doctor Jackson wants to help.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One, Chapter Two - Part One, Chapter Two - Part Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
After training the next day, Bellamy hurried back to his mother's quarters, hoping she wouldn't be home yet so he could talk to Octavia. He knocked, and when no one answered after a few moments, he let himself in before Octavia had time to do more than shove the table aside. "It's me," he said as he opened the door.
She looked frazzled for a second, then beamed at him as she came over and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "Oh God, Jackson is so patient."
Bellamy laughed. "You mean for putting up with me?" he asked, hugging her tightly.
She laughed too. "No. Mom," she said. "You know that." She pulled away. "Did he have a beard last night? He said something about not being clean shaven?"
"He hasn't shaved for a few days, that's all. Since his concussion." Bellamy glanced away, feeling his cheeks get a little warm over the way that scruff affected him. He didn't need his little sister picking up on too many details. "I kind of surprised him with the idea of having dinner with Mom, since it was only yesterday that Doctor Griffin cleared him to leave home for dinner."
And sex. God, that had been possibly the most embarrassing conversation of Bellamy's life. He tried to shove the memory away, feeling his cheeks getting hotter. Damn it. Hopefully O wouldn't call him on it.
He wasn't so lucky. "Are you blushing?" She huffed. "Please tell me the idea of throwing your boyfriend to our mother unprepared for her to be awful to him isn't what's making you blush."
Damn it. "Nope," he said, trying for a tone that said not to go there. "Did Mom say anything about dinner to you?"
She folded her arms in front of her and gave him a look somewhere between amused and challenging. "Why were you blushing, Bellamy?" she pushed.
"Oh my God, Octavia," he said, covering his eyes with his hand. "There are just--some things I can't tell you." His face felt like it was on fire now.
Octavia laughed. "I'm just not understanding the correlation here between what you said and what happened to your face," she teased.
Bellamy brought his other hand up to cover his face and admitted, "The scruff does it for me, okay? God." Now he couldn't even look at his sister.
Octavia laughed, but it was softer this time. "Aww," she said, nudging his arm.
God. "Shut up," he muttered, fighting a smile. He really had it bad, and judging from his sister's reaction, that was obvious. "Did Mom say anything about dinner?" he repeated.
"She tried to tell me all the reasons why we shouldn't like him, but none of them had anything to actually do with him," she said, tugging one of his hands away from his face, and pulling him over to the bed to sit.
Bellamy sighed and followed her. "J acted like it went so well, I didn't have the heart to tell him how wrong he was," he said. "Though I was a little surprised by the, uh, 'tablecloth'."
"I didn't see that until after he was gone. Must've been a last minute decision." She made a face indicating she thought it was weird too. Then she shrugged. "I mean, it could have been worse. After how it started off. She could have threatened to get him fired for dating a patient." She made another face, this one more pained. "But it seemed to relax a little after a while. Maybe he was just trying to be hopeful?" she said. "He seems like the hopeful type. Or… at least he seems like he's willing to take a lot of crap for something he wants or believes in."
Bellamy sighed. "He's definitely the hopeful type," he agreed, "or he wouldn't have even considered dating me. But... Ah, I don't know, O. He doesn't realize just how...how fucking paranoid Mom can be."
Octavia snorted. "He's a doctor. He's probably smart enough to see that mom is weird. Really weird. Even if he doesn't say it out loud."
Bellamy frowned. "Maybe," he admitted. "Jackson's a really nice man. I don't think he'd mention how weird Mom is unless he thought it was...I dunno, harmful to me, somehow." He frowned, thinking about the conversation he'd had with their mother. "But hey," he said, turning to face Octavia fully. "Listen to me, okay? If something ever happens, if someday Mom doesn't come back, and I don't come back?" He put his hand on her shoulder. "You go to Jackson. He doesn't know anything about you, but he will protect you if you need it." He caught Octavia's gaze and held it. "Because he's a good man, O. He really is."
Octavia's brows drew together. "How, Bell?" she said. "How am I supposed to find him? In the instance that I'm not immediately sent to lockup, or put in the system for… adoption, or something. Am I supposed to wander the Ark asking for Doctor Jackson?"
"Just--" Bellamy frowned, hoping he was right and none of the Ark guard would punish her without checking first. "There are too many people on the Ark for everyone to know everyone else. Just ask someone how to get to Medical, and then ask for Doctor Jackson, okay? And when you get to him, you tell him...tell him things you heard at dinner the other night, like about his family. And tell him the Foundation trilogy--the original trilogy--was the best week of my life. Repeat that," he ordered, leaning in.
Octavia was frowning at him in confusion. "The Foundation trilogy? What does that even mean?"
Bellamy sighed. "Doctor Griffin said J couldn't read while he was healing from his concussion," he explained. "But she said that I could read to him. So I told him to pick a long book, and he picked the Foundation trilogy by Isaac Asimov." He didn't see any reason to mention that he wasn't sure they would finish the trilogy, since Doctor Griffin had cleared Jackson for sex. "And since Jackson doesn't know about you, I'm going to tell him that this has been the best week of my life."
Octavia nodded, but her expression was a little strange now. She looked down at her lap. "The Foundation trilogy was the best week of your life," she said, obviously repeating what he'd asked her to before. After a moment, she looked back up at him, and he saw her eyes were a little glassy. "Was it?"
Bellamy slipped an arm around her shoulders. "No. The week you were born was the best week of my life," he said, pulling her close. "But I can't tell J about you. And he's definitely the second best person to ever happen to me, after you." Bellamy felt his throat getting tight, but he swallowed and kept talking. "So I'm going to tell him that this has been the best week of my life." He tugged Octavia close and kissed the top of her head.
Octavia sniffed hard. "I wouldn't be mad at you if it was," she said. "You never asked for me. You asked for him. I'm… I'm a burden. He's freedom."
"Shh," Bellamy said, tightening his arm. "Don't be stupid, O. You're my sister. I can't even imagine life without you." He squeezed her tighter. "I wouldn't want to live without you. Life with J might be freedom, sure, except I don't know how to live without you. So don't think you're allowed to give up on me."
Octavia snorted. "I wouldn't know how, if I wanted to," she said.
Oh.
Octavia was usually pretty well adjusted most of the time, considering her circumstances, But Bellamy wasn't unaware of her bouts of depression too, which were understandable. Apparently, she was in one of them now.
"Hey," Bellamy said softly. "Listen to me, O. You are the reason I'm alive." He moved to kneel in front of her, holding her gaze. "You are my sister. No one else on the whole damn Ark has a sister." He smiled at her. "You're the only special thing about me. I need you, O."
She shook her head. "You don't give yourself enough credit. Jackson thinks you're special without me. I think you're special without me." She sighed. "If I could float myself so you and mom could be happy… I would. What's my life worth anyway?"
Bellamy shook his head. "How can you even question that?" he whispered, cupping her cheek in his hand. "Your life is worth more to me than my own. You are so smart and funny and someday I will figure out a way for you to be entirely happy." He sat next to her again and pulled her into his arms. "I need you, O."
The thought popped into his head that the Unity Day Masquerade Dance was coming up soon. Everyone would be wearing masks. No one would question meeting someone they didn't recognize there.
It was a terrible idea, and their mom would never allow it. But Octavia hadn't been this low in ages. Bellamy had to do something.
She sighed and wrapped her arms around him, pressing her cheek against his chest. "You don't need me. I need you," she said, echoing the words he'd said to his mother just over a week ago.
He kissed the top of her head, wishing he hadn't said that in front of her. He'd meant that for their mom, not for Octavia. "I barely remember what life was like before you. I can't imagine life without you. I do need you. I really do."
She sighed, but he felt tension in her body he hadn't noticed before start to dissolve. After a moment, she huffed an unhappy laugh. "This was easier before. When all you had to do was make stupid faces at me to make me forget for a little while."
"Yeah," he murmured, not letting go of her. Hiding Octavia from the Ark had always been difficult, but he really couldn't imagine his life without her. He didn't want to imagine his life without her. Maybe their mom would be more normal, but she'd needed Octavia for some reason, so he didn't think Aurora Blake would be happy without her. "I love you so much, O."
She drew in a deep breath and released it. "I love you too, big brother. So much."
***
Jackson ran a hand over his smooth face and stared at himself in the mirror. He was going to miss Bellamy's appreciation of his scruff, but this felt nice. Normal. And he was going back to work.
He couldn't help but smile as he got dressed and headed down the halls, even if there was an ache in his chest that reminded him that Bellamy was now in harm's way because of him.
They'd get through it, he reminded himself. No matter what Allard and his buddies threw at them.
He stopped by the mess and got something he could eat at his desk, and two coffees, then made his way to work. He stepped inside Medical and smiled at Abby. She smiled back, and Jackson felt his face heat a little at the sudden thought that Bellamy had discussed their sex life with her just a couple days prior.
"Good morning," he said, walking over to her desk and putting her coffee down in front of her.
"Good morning. Glad to be back?" she asked, her tone making it obvious that was a rhetorical question. "I hope you're feeling well-rested."
"I feel like I've done nothing but rest for nine days, so yes. Very much." He walked over to his own desk and opened a locked drawer. If any of his patients had been seen in his absence, their files would be stacked inside. He raised his brows at the rather large stack. "Did I miss anything major?"
Abby shook her head. "Nothing too major. There was a stomach virus going around Farm Station, so we had several dehydration cases that were easily treated. One diabetic coma, which fortunately wasn't severe. I think the rest of those were minor complaints."
She sat back in her chair, sipping her coffee. "Bellamy seems to have taken good care of you."
Jackson nodded. "If he wasn't a sympathetic vomiter, he might actually make a good nurse," he said, smiling faintly as he skimmed a file for one patient who'd come in with a wrist sprain.
Abby laughed quietly. "I'm not sure he'd be quite as motivated to take care of anyone who wasn't you," she said, smiling.
He closed the file in front of him and gave Abby a crooked smile. "I guess I'll be in luck when I'm frail and eighty and he's still a spry seventy-seven."
Abby laughed again. "I'm sure Clarke will look after you, too." Then her smile faded. "While he was here the other day, Bellamy told me you discussed reporting Allard."
Jackson pressed his lips together, his own smile fading. "I did. You were right, I should have had more faith in him than I did."
She shook her head. "I did understand your reluctance, you know. I'm glad to know for sure that he supports you." She opened her mouth to say something else, but a woman in her twenties came into Medical just then.
"Doctor Griffin? I cut my hand. It won't stop bleeding."
And with that, their brief lull was ended.
Abby got up to help her patient, and Jackson went back to going over his files. He made some notes as he did, taking bites of his breakfast absently. He was more than halfway through his stack when one of his own patients came in for a recheck of something that had happened while he was out.
He couldn't help but feel warmed at the way she gushed about how happy she was to see him back, and told him in hushed tones how much she appreciated his bedside manner better than Abby's. When she asked why he'd been gone, he told her he'd had the flu, because he didn't want her asking questions about how he'd wound up with a concussion.
The rest of the day was spent balancing catch up work with patients, and while nothing major came through the doors, he'd found his stomach rumbling by dinner time and realized he'd forgotten lunch.
"I heard that," Abby said, walking up beside him. "Why don't you go get dinner? Take time to have dinner with Bellamy, if you want. I didn't mean for you to work through lunch your first day back."
Jackson shrugged. "It's fine. Bell said something about working the Masquerade ball for the kids tonight, so he's not even around." He reached over and touched her shoulder. "But I'll go eat," he conceded, because he was feeling a little worn out anyway and sitting down and clearing his mind in the mess for a little while might help.
He smiled down at her and she gave him a small smile back, and then he headed for the mess.
On his way there, alarms started going off in the corridors, and Jackson slowed his pace, wondering what was going on. Should he go back to Medical? Or go find Bellamy?
When a guard jogged down the corridor past him, Jackson stopped him to ask what was happening.
"Solar flare. Nothing to worry about on this side of the Ark," the guard said. Jackson didn't recognize him and the guard seemed indifferent to Jackson, so he figured he probably wasn't being lied to.
Once he got through the line in the mess with his tray, the alarms had stopped. He found an empty table to sit at and tried to decompress a little.
He'd been there maybe ten minutes when a shadow fell across his tray and he realized someone was standing very close to him. Very close. And not in a friendly way. Jackson's stomach twisted and he looked up to see Allard, a sharp smile on his face.
"Well, well. Haven't seen you around lately, doc."
Jackson tried to ignore the way his heart was suddenly racing. "Weird, right?" he said. "It's almost like something happened to me." God, did Allard even know he'd been reported yet? He cleared his throat and sat back. "I didn't realize you'd miss my company so much."
"I thought I told you, I was told to keep an eye on you." Allard narrowed his eyes. "I was a little surprised to find out you're not very smart for a doctor, though."
Jackson lifted his brows. "Oh?"
Allard snorted. "I had a real friendly conversation with my supervisor today. Seems like some not-so-smart doctor told her he had a problem with how I do my job." He shook his head. "And I would've sworn that doctor had been told to keep his mouth shut."
Jackson swallowed hard. "Seems like whoever told that not-so-smart doctor to keep his mouth shut underestimated the commitment said doctor has to his patients." He should let this go. He should walk away. If he provoked Allard now, it might make things worse for Bellamy.
Allard put his hands on the table, leaning into Jackson's space. "It's too bad that doctor isn't as committed to his pretty cadet boyfriend," he said softly.
"Do you always talk so confidently about things you don't understand?" he said, then pushed to his feet and picked up his tray. This could get out of control if he let it go.
"I could ask you the same question," Allard remarked, straightening and folding his arms across his chest.
Jackson eyed him for a moment, then shook his head. "If you have something to say to me, say it." God, this was stupid.
"Oh, I've said all I want to say to you, doc." Allard's lips curled in a nasty smile. "Next time I talk to someone about this, it'll be Blake."
Dread was choking Jackson now, but he tried to keep his expression even. He lowered his voice. "I'll give him your regards," he said. He wanted to throw Allard's words back at him by continuing 'next time I blow him', but he couldn't bring himself to say it. Not because he was ashamed, but because he didn't want to stoop to Allard's level.
He turned and started toward the tray depository.
"You do that, doc," Allard called after him. To Jackson's relief, it didn't sound like Allard was following.
Jackson dropped his tray and half-full plate off and left the mess, heading back to Medical, trying to ignore the desire to find out where that party Bell was guarding was and go warn Bellamy.
But, of course, Bellamy already knew he had a target on his back. So Jackson just focused on trying to get his heart rate back down before he had to face Abby again.
Abby was finishing up with a patient when he got there, so by the time they had a chance to talk, he was as calm as he could manage. They settled in to go over a couple of cases together, and then Abby started inventorying the controlled medications. She'd barely gotten started on that when Marcus Kane strode into Medical. "Abby," he said sharply. "If you don't have anything pressing, I need you for Council business. It's...rather urgent."
Abby shot Jackson a concerned look. "Do you mind covering Medical?" she asked.
"I told you, Bellamy's on duty at a party. I'm free," he said, stepping over to where she'd been working and offering Kane a small smile. "Councilor," he said.
One of these days he would get Kane to smile at him. Today didn't seem to be that day. In fact, Kane eyed him for a moment in a way that made Jackson slightly uncomfortable.
Kane cleared his throat. "Jackson," he said, and left Medical with Abby. Abby was gone for over an hour, and when she returned, she was frowning so hard it looked like it hurt. She stopped in the middle of the room, watching him.
He held her gaze for a moment, waiting for her to speak. He was never quite certain if he should ask about Council business or not. But she kept watching him for long enough that he frowned in confusion. "You okay?"
He heard her let out a long sigh. When she spoke, her voice was low, but clear. "Jackson, do you know Octavia Blake?" She watched him intently as she said it.
Blake? Did this have to do with Bellamy? Jackson's frown deepened. "Do you mean Aurora Blake? I've met her."
Abby let out a shaky breath and shook her head. "Sit down," she said, going over to do the same herself. "This is...going to be difficult."
Jackson suddenly had a sinking feeling in his chest. Whatever had happened, it was serious. He sat in a chair next to her and fixed her with a serious expression. "What is?"
Abby reached over and took his hand. "The reason Kane needed me for Council business is that Bellamy's mother Aurora--" She broke off, then took a deep breath. "Let me start with the good news. The Council has voted not to float Bellamy for his mother's crime."
A flash of shock ran through Jackson, his fingers closing around Abby's instinctively. "Float Bellamy?" he stammered. "What crime? What could his mother have done to get him floated?!" Aurora Blake was weird, but she didn't seem like a criminal.
Abby squeezed his hand gently. "Well, Bellamy was certainly an accomplice, but because the initial crime was committed sixteen years ago, when he was a minor, and because of the extenuating circumstances involved..." She held Jackson's gaze. "Bellamy has a sister. Octavia. He and his mother have been hiding her for sixteen years. And she was discovered today because of the solar flare."
Jackson found himself staring at Abby in disbelief. Bellamy had a sister? How was that even possible? Jackson knew the birth control implants weren't 100% effective, and that occasionally complications required their removal. But why hadn't Aurora aborted the second pregnancy? How had they kept a human being--an infant, a young girl--in hiding for sixteen years? "This… doesn't make sense, Abby," he said. "I've had dinner at their home. There was no sixteen year old girl there."
"From what I understand, there was a secret compartment under the floor," Abby said. "There's no question it's true, Jackson. Bellamy has admitted everything." She sighed.
Jackson couldn't stop staring at her. Bellamy had a sister. Octavia. Who lived under the floor. She'd… oh, God, she'd probably been there when Jackson had dinner with Bellamy and his mom the other night. "It's… unbelievable," he breathed. "How--" He shook his head. As hard as it was to swallow any of this, he knew Abby was serious. "What's going to happen to all of them? Where are they now?"
"Octavia and Aurora have been taken to lockup." Abby sighed. "Aurora will be floated in the morning. Bellamy...Lieutenant Shumway said he wanted to talk to him once the Council was finished with him." Abby met Jackson's gaze unhappily. "I suspect his career with the guard is over."
"God," Jackson said, lifting a hand to press over his eyes. He tried to draw a few steadying breaths, but he couldn't calm his racing heart. "I need to go talk to him," he said, standing and pulling his hand out of hers. "I'm sorry, I need to go. I'll-- I'll be back in the morning," he stammered, then headed out of medical.
***
Bellamy stumbled out of Lieutenant Shumway's office and stopped walking. Everything felt unreal. How could this be happening?
Approaching footsteps made Bellamy look up. A couple of guards were at the end of the corridor. He needed to get away from here. He couldn't imagine how he would explain this to his friends if they happened by.
He started walking again, staring at the floor several feet ahead of him so he wouldn't have to meet anyone's eyes. His feet automatically turned toward the quarters where he'd grown up.
Once he got inside, he sat on his bed and stared at the floor. "This isn't real," he whispered. "This can't be real."
He wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting there--maybe five minutes, maybe an hour--when he heard someone knock at his door. He tensed automatically, then Jackson's voice was calling from outside. "Bell, it's me!" He knocked again. "Bell?"
Bell took a deep breath and went to open the door. Doctor Griffin must have told him what happened. Bellamy hoped she had. He pulled the door open and looked at Jackson, unable to think of anything to say.
Jackson stared at him for a long moment, looking like he didn't know what to say either. Then the anxiety on his face faded into sympathy. "Bell," he said sadly, and then stepped inside and wrapped his arms around Bellamy tightly.
Oh God. He might never get to hug his sister again. Bell wilted against Jackson, his breathing going ragged. "It's my fault," he whispered.
He felt Jackson shift to kick his door shut, but Jackson didn't let go of him. "No, it's not," he breathed. "God, Bell, why didn't you tell me?"
"They might have sentenced you to float if you knew." Bellamy's heart was racing suddenly. "I'm lucky they didn't sentence me to float. Lucky!" he spat.
Jackson pulled back enough to look at him, gripping Bellamy's shoulders. "What happened today? Abby said it was because of the solar flare?"
"It was my fault," Bellamy said again. He couldn't meet Jackson's gaze. He didn't deserve the kindness he would find there. "I thought--she--" He felt like he couldn't breathe, like a giant hand was squeezing his chest. "She's been so down lately. I just wanted to let her see a little of the Ark. I thought the masks..." He swayed. "I need to sit down," he said, just before his knees buckled.
"Bell!" Jackson gasped, surging forward to wrap his arms around Bellamy to keep him from falling, but Bellamy was either too heavy or had too much momentum by the time Jackson saw what was happening, and they both landed hard on their knees. "Bell, you need to lie down," he said, his arms still wrapped around Bellamy. He pulled back and cupped Bellamy's face between his hands, and Bellamy sat back on his heels.
"You're clammy," Jackson said. He shifted to Bell's side, and then was pushing Bellamy's shoulders down. "Put your head down and breathe for a minute. I'll help you to bed once you feel less lightheaded." His hand splayed against Bellamy's back.
Bellamy squeezed his eyes shut, but that just made him remember the way Octavia had looked at him right before she ran. Oh, God, he had fucked up so badly.
"They're going to float my mom, J," he gasped. "Oh God, what have I done? I--" He broke off, choking on the words. He'd killed his mother. Oh, God.
Jackson's hand slid to the side as Jackson leaned down, the length of his arm draping over Bellamy's shoulders now. "Shhh," Jackson whispered, his voice much closer now. "Just breathe right now. If you pass out on me, I'll have to take you to Medical." The hand on Bellamy's shoulder lifted and then was stroking the back of Bellamy's head.
Bellamy tried to slow his breathing. He opened his eyes again, staring at the floor in front of him. "You--shouldn't even be here," he mumbled. "Shouldn't care. I hurt everyone I love."
His breathing was still too shallow but it was getting a little more regular.
Jackson's fingers stilled against his head for a moment, then started stroking again. "I'm not going anywhere," he murmured. "Breathe."
Bellamy exhaled slowly. "Don't deserve you." He swallowed and lifted a shaky hand to wipe his eyes. He hadn't realized they were wet until then.
"I don't see why not," Jackson said, and when Bellamy opened his mouth to reply, Jackson cut him off with a sharp, "shh." Bellamy decided not to argue, and let Jackson stroke his hair for another few moments while his breathing evened out. "Got enough blood back to your brain now? Think you can sit up and get to bed?"
Bell sighed and nodded. "Think so. Sorry." He let Jackson help him up and stumbled over to his bed. He looked around the room, his eyes stinging again. "Wasn't thinking. Should have gone to your home."
"Of course you weren't thinking," Jackson said softly, guiding Bellamay to lay down. "Still a little unsteady. Knees up," he said, nudging Bellamy's legs. "As soon as I'm sure you're not still going to pass out on me, we can go, if you want." He sat at the edge of the bed, and reached a hand out to touch Bellamy's face. "Bell, I am so sorry."
"I need..." Bellamy took a breath. "Can you see the trap door?" he asked, gesturing at the floor. "Need to see if they left her things. Please."
They'd taken his sister, but maybe they hadn't taken every last reminder of her.
Jackson shook his head, but he got down on his knees on the floor. "Tell me where," he said, sliding his hands slowly in front of him.
"Under where the table was," Bellamy said. "She--she wanted to 'meet' you. Oh, God, J." He put his hand over his eyes, trying to keep his breathing steady. "Fuck," he breathed. "Okay, there's a little groove."
Jackson felt for it a minute more, and then his fingers curled into the groove and he yanked the panel up. Once it was open, Jackson sat back on his heels in front of it without saying anything. His back facing Bellamy, his shoulders slumped. Finally he sighed. "Looks like they left her things," he said, sounding far off. "She was here when I came over?"
"She was always here," Bellamy whispered, then cleared his throat and repeated that. "She'd never been out of our rooms before today. I thought the masquerade--she could see Earth, watch the moonrise... I was so stupid."
Jackson shook his head. "That's not stupid," he said, still staring into the hole in the floor. After a moment, he leaned down and pulled out a teddy bear so worn that patches of fur were missing. Bellamy recognized it as one that had been his as a child, but he'd passed on to O. "I can't even imagine," Jackson said, absently turning the bear over in his hands as if he might give it a physical at any moment.
"I wanted to tell you," Bellamy said. "But I didn't...how could I put you in that position? The only reason they voted not to float me was Doctor Griffin. She said--" He coughed against the tightness in his throat. "She said no one could have expected me to turn in my own blood. And that convinced Kane. And the chancellor said it had to be unanimous, so." His breathing was going shaky again, so he quit talking and concentrated on breathing.
Jackson dropped the bear back into the space under the floor and half-crawled back over to the bed, settling on the edge again. He pressed a hand to Bellamy's chest, against where Bell's heart felt like it might explode. "She… she asked if I knew Octavia," he said. "I thought she'd gotten your mother's name wrong." His gaze was sad on Bell's face.
"I told her you didn't know," Bell said, trying to blink back the tears that wouldn't quite stop. "I swore you didn't know anything. I'm so sorry I dragged you into this." He covered his eyes, squeezing them shut. "Mom told me not to-- She said it was too dangerous and I just ignored her and now--" God, he was going to lose it again. Jackson wanted him to calm down, and he couldn't manage it, because every time he started calming down, he thought of something else that made this even more horrible. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
"Don't be stupid," Jackson said gently. "You didn't drag me into anything. Every step I've taken toward you, I've done it of my own volition. Including coming here tonight." Bellamy felt Jackson shift, and then Jackson kissed his wet cheek. "It's okay to be upset," he whispered. "Just don't forget to breathe again."
Bellamy lifted his hand to cup the back of Jackson's head, then he exhaled shakily. "I tried so hard to keep you at arm's length," he said softly. "I just couldn't do it any more." He took a couple more shaky breaths. "Thank you," he whispered. "For coming here tonight."
"Like I could be anywhere else with you hurting like this," Jackson breathed. "I don't think I even said goodbye to Abby when I left Medical."
"She... I'm pretty sure she thinks I dragged you into this," Bell mumbled. He scooted over on the bed, tugging Jackson so he would follow. Maybe if Jackson held him, he could match their breathing and calm down enough to get out of these rooms.
Jackson didn't resist. He settled against Bellamy, wrapping his arms around Bellamy's chest. "She's wrong," he said.
Bellamy shivered and closed his eyes. "I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't found me here," he admitted. "I don't even know how long I was here before you found me." He tried to listen to Jackson's breathing. Focus on breathing.
"You were in shock," Jackon murmured, lifting a hand to stroke Bellamy's hair. "You still are, I think."
Bellamy's breathing hitched. He steadied it for a moment, and then something else hit him and a strangled noise pushed out of his throat. "You always asked why I put up with Grus' boys treating me like that?" His eyes started stinging again. "Grus knew Mom had a secret. She fucked him for the inspection schedules and I couldn't let him wonder--" He choked on the words and for a second couldn't drag a breath in. When he managed to breathe again, it was a sob. He turned his head and pressed closer to Jackson's neck. "Had to protect O," he managed.
Jackson drew a steady breath, then let it out, his breath gusting against Bellamy's skin. "It makes a lot more sense now," he said softly.
"Oh, God, J, what am I going to do?" Bellamy gasped. "They took O. They took her. They--She's my sister. My responsibility. What do I do?" His chest felt like it was going to explode again, and he felt like he was going to fall into pieces, and nothing he could do would help.
Jackson tugged Bellamy closer. "I don't know," he said. "Wait? I know it's gonna hurt, but she's sixteen. Two years in lockup, and then she's out. She'll be free. They can't possibly float her for something she had no say in. And in the meantime, you can visit her. We can, if you want. And she'll be one of my patients. I know it's not a lot, but you haven't lost her."
"Why lock her up at all?" Bell whispered, not fighting his tears anymore. "She's been locked up her whole fucking life. The people who love her locked her up, and now the Ark is gonna lock her up? What is wrong with us?"
He felt Jackson shake his head. "I wish I could answer that," he admitted, fingers stroking Bellamy's back. "I don't understand it either. If they're going to float your--" He went still for a moment. When he spoke again, the words sounded strained. "I don't see why she can't take your mother's place on the Ark."
Bellamy let out another sob. He didn't know if he was allowed to agree with that idea. Some part of him knew, deep down, that nothing would save his mom. She would be gone. But the idea of Octavia being all alone in lockup, not having him to protect her-- Why couldn't she take Mom's place? But it was horrible for him to think that about his own mother. How could he love Octavia more than Mom? Another spasm of grief shook him and he gave up on any hope of calming down.
His shoulders shook as he started to sob uselessly against Jackson, but Jackson kept his breathing steady and stroked his hands over Bellamy in a way that Bellamy thought might be comforting if there was any possibility for comfort at this point.
"I could…" Jackson drew a deep breath. "If you want me there with you… tomorrow morning… I'll be there."
Bellamy didn't want to think about the morning. He didn't know if he could face what his mother would say to him. Having Jackson there would make it more bearable for him--but what if she said awful things to Jackson? What if it made it worse for her? Bellamy didn't deserve it to be bearable. He shook his head, more in dismissal than to say no, but he didn't have the breath to speak.
"Okay," Jackson murmured, squeezing Bellamy tighter. "Let me know if you change your mind."
Bellamy took a couple of deep breaths and blurted, "Why do you even like someone who's such a fuck up, J?"
Jackson kissed Bellamy's hair. "You're not a fuck up," he said firmly.
"How you can you--" Bell gasped, but then he lost it again and gave up on talking.
Jackson stroked his hair, but didn't say anything for a long time. He just let Bellamy cry in his arms until the tears started to slow down again. Eventually, Jackson hummed an unhappy noise. "I wish I could fix this for you," he whispered. "What I can do is try to get on the next rotation for the Skybox. Kids that are new in there get a physical, even if they have no complaints. Sometimes it takes a week or so, but considering your sister has never been to a doctor, they'll probably want her checked out sooner rather than later."
Bell let out a long, shuddery breath. He was exhausted, but Jackson's words made his chest ache again. How had Bellamy earned so much kindness and loyalty from a man like Jackson? Bellamy wiped his face and moved to kiss Jackson's neck. "You..." he breathed. God, he loved Jackson. And what an awful time to realize it. "You are amazing," he managed. "Thank you--" His breath hitched. "--for caring about her."
Jackson huffed. "I care about you. So fucking much. That makes it easy to care about her."
Chapter Eight
Fandom: The 100
Pairing: Bellamy/Jackson, mentions of Abby Griffin/Jake Griffin
Rating: NC-17/FRAO
WC: ~82,000
Characters: Bellamy Blake, Jackson, Octavia Blake, Aurora Blake, Marcus Kane, Inspector Grus, Abby Griffin, Clarke Griffin, Monty Green, Jasper Jordan, various OCs
Warnings: Bullying, minor character death, alcohol abuse
Notes: We're posting in chapters, but this is not a WIP. We also stayed mostly canon-compliant, but hand-waved a few things while writing this. The Ark doesn't have a limited supply of water in this fic. The timeline of Monty & Jasper's arrest is moved up a bit. And Jackson's backstory is AU, as this was written before 3x10, "Fallen", revealed info about Jackson's mother. Also, neither of us speak Hindi, so the single sentence we wrote in Hindi was googled. If you speak Hindi, and we got it wrong, our feelings will not be hurt if you correct us. :)
Summary: Bellamy Blake isn't one of the privileged on the Ark. His life as a guard cadet would be a lot easier if he weren't trying to keep his mother's secrets and protect his sister. What Bellamy doesn't realize is just how much a certain doctor has figured out about his problems, and how much Doctor Jackson wants to help.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One, Chapter Two - Part One, Chapter Two - Part Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
After training the next day, Bellamy hurried back to his mother's quarters, hoping she wouldn't be home yet so he could talk to Octavia. He knocked, and when no one answered after a few moments, he let himself in before Octavia had time to do more than shove the table aside. "It's me," he said as he opened the door.
She looked frazzled for a second, then beamed at him as she came over and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "Oh God, Jackson is so patient."
Bellamy laughed. "You mean for putting up with me?" he asked, hugging her tightly.
She laughed too. "No. Mom," she said. "You know that." She pulled away. "Did he have a beard last night? He said something about not being clean shaven?"
"He hasn't shaved for a few days, that's all. Since his concussion." Bellamy glanced away, feeling his cheeks get a little warm over the way that scruff affected him. He didn't need his little sister picking up on too many details. "I kind of surprised him with the idea of having dinner with Mom, since it was only yesterday that Doctor Griffin cleared him to leave home for dinner."
And sex. God, that had been possibly the most embarrassing conversation of Bellamy's life. He tried to shove the memory away, feeling his cheeks getting hotter. Damn it. Hopefully O wouldn't call him on it.
He wasn't so lucky. "Are you blushing?" She huffed. "Please tell me the idea of throwing your boyfriend to our mother unprepared for her to be awful to him isn't what's making you blush."
Damn it. "Nope," he said, trying for a tone that said not to go there. "Did Mom say anything about dinner to you?"
She folded her arms in front of her and gave him a look somewhere between amused and challenging. "Why were you blushing, Bellamy?" she pushed.
"Oh my God, Octavia," he said, covering his eyes with his hand. "There are just--some things I can't tell you." His face felt like it was on fire now.
Octavia laughed. "I'm just not understanding the correlation here between what you said and what happened to your face," she teased.
Bellamy brought his other hand up to cover his face and admitted, "The scruff does it for me, okay? God." Now he couldn't even look at his sister.
Octavia laughed, but it was softer this time. "Aww," she said, nudging his arm.
God. "Shut up," he muttered, fighting a smile. He really had it bad, and judging from his sister's reaction, that was obvious. "Did Mom say anything about dinner?" he repeated.
"She tried to tell me all the reasons why we shouldn't like him, but none of them had anything to actually do with him," she said, tugging one of his hands away from his face, and pulling him over to the bed to sit.
Bellamy sighed and followed her. "J acted like it went so well, I didn't have the heart to tell him how wrong he was," he said. "Though I was a little surprised by the, uh, 'tablecloth'."
"I didn't see that until after he was gone. Must've been a last minute decision." She made a face indicating she thought it was weird too. Then she shrugged. "I mean, it could have been worse. After how it started off. She could have threatened to get him fired for dating a patient." She made another face, this one more pained. "But it seemed to relax a little after a while. Maybe he was just trying to be hopeful?" she said. "He seems like the hopeful type. Or… at least he seems like he's willing to take a lot of crap for something he wants or believes in."
Bellamy sighed. "He's definitely the hopeful type," he agreed, "or he wouldn't have even considered dating me. But... Ah, I don't know, O. He doesn't realize just how...how fucking paranoid Mom can be."
Octavia snorted. "He's a doctor. He's probably smart enough to see that mom is weird. Really weird. Even if he doesn't say it out loud."
Bellamy frowned. "Maybe," he admitted. "Jackson's a really nice man. I don't think he'd mention how weird Mom is unless he thought it was...I dunno, harmful to me, somehow." He frowned, thinking about the conversation he'd had with their mother. "But hey," he said, turning to face Octavia fully. "Listen to me, okay? If something ever happens, if someday Mom doesn't come back, and I don't come back?" He put his hand on her shoulder. "You go to Jackson. He doesn't know anything about you, but he will protect you if you need it." He caught Octavia's gaze and held it. "Because he's a good man, O. He really is."
Octavia's brows drew together. "How, Bell?" she said. "How am I supposed to find him? In the instance that I'm not immediately sent to lockup, or put in the system for… adoption, or something. Am I supposed to wander the Ark asking for Doctor Jackson?"
"Just--" Bellamy frowned, hoping he was right and none of the Ark guard would punish her without checking first. "There are too many people on the Ark for everyone to know everyone else. Just ask someone how to get to Medical, and then ask for Doctor Jackson, okay? And when you get to him, you tell him...tell him things you heard at dinner the other night, like about his family. And tell him the Foundation trilogy--the original trilogy--was the best week of my life. Repeat that," he ordered, leaning in.
Octavia was frowning at him in confusion. "The Foundation trilogy? What does that even mean?"
Bellamy sighed. "Doctor Griffin said J couldn't read while he was healing from his concussion," he explained. "But she said that I could read to him. So I told him to pick a long book, and he picked the Foundation trilogy by Isaac Asimov." He didn't see any reason to mention that he wasn't sure they would finish the trilogy, since Doctor Griffin had cleared Jackson for sex. "And since Jackson doesn't know about you, I'm going to tell him that this has been the best week of my life."
Octavia nodded, but her expression was a little strange now. She looked down at her lap. "The Foundation trilogy was the best week of your life," she said, obviously repeating what he'd asked her to before. After a moment, she looked back up at him, and he saw her eyes were a little glassy. "Was it?"
Bellamy slipped an arm around her shoulders. "No. The week you were born was the best week of my life," he said, pulling her close. "But I can't tell J about you. And he's definitely the second best person to ever happen to me, after you." Bellamy felt his throat getting tight, but he swallowed and kept talking. "So I'm going to tell him that this has been the best week of my life." He tugged Octavia close and kissed the top of her head.
Octavia sniffed hard. "I wouldn't be mad at you if it was," she said. "You never asked for me. You asked for him. I'm… I'm a burden. He's freedom."
"Shh," Bellamy said, tightening his arm. "Don't be stupid, O. You're my sister. I can't even imagine life without you." He squeezed her tighter. "I wouldn't want to live without you. Life with J might be freedom, sure, except I don't know how to live without you. So don't think you're allowed to give up on me."
Octavia snorted. "I wouldn't know how, if I wanted to," she said.
Oh.
Octavia was usually pretty well adjusted most of the time, considering her circumstances, But Bellamy wasn't unaware of her bouts of depression too, which were understandable. Apparently, she was in one of them now.
"Hey," Bellamy said softly. "Listen to me, O. You are the reason I'm alive." He moved to kneel in front of her, holding her gaze. "You are my sister. No one else on the whole damn Ark has a sister." He smiled at her. "You're the only special thing about me. I need you, O."
She shook her head. "You don't give yourself enough credit. Jackson thinks you're special without me. I think you're special without me." She sighed. "If I could float myself so you and mom could be happy… I would. What's my life worth anyway?"
Bellamy shook his head. "How can you even question that?" he whispered, cupping her cheek in his hand. "Your life is worth more to me than my own. You are so smart and funny and someday I will figure out a way for you to be entirely happy." He sat next to her again and pulled her into his arms. "I need you, O."
The thought popped into his head that the Unity Day Masquerade Dance was coming up soon. Everyone would be wearing masks. No one would question meeting someone they didn't recognize there.
It was a terrible idea, and their mom would never allow it. But Octavia hadn't been this low in ages. Bellamy had to do something.
She sighed and wrapped her arms around him, pressing her cheek against his chest. "You don't need me. I need you," she said, echoing the words he'd said to his mother just over a week ago.
He kissed the top of her head, wishing he hadn't said that in front of her. He'd meant that for their mom, not for Octavia. "I barely remember what life was like before you. I can't imagine life without you. I do need you. I really do."
She sighed, but he felt tension in her body he hadn't noticed before start to dissolve. After a moment, she huffed an unhappy laugh. "This was easier before. When all you had to do was make stupid faces at me to make me forget for a little while."
"Yeah," he murmured, not letting go of her. Hiding Octavia from the Ark had always been difficult, but he really couldn't imagine his life without her. He didn't want to imagine his life without her. Maybe their mom would be more normal, but she'd needed Octavia for some reason, so he didn't think Aurora Blake would be happy without her. "I love you so much, O."
She drew in a deep breath and released it. "I love you too, big brother. So much."
***
Jackson ran a hand over his smooth face and stared at himself in the mirror. He was going to miss Bellamy's appreciation of his scruff, but this felt nice. Normal. And he was going back to work.
He couldn't help but smile as he got dressed and headed down the halls, even if there was an ache in his chest that reminded him that Bellamy was now in harm's way because of him.
They'd get through it, he reminded himself. No matter what Allard and his buddies threw at them.
He stopped by the mess and got something he could eat at his desk, and two coffees, then made his way to work. He stepped inside Medical and smiled at Abby. She smiled back, and Jackson felt his face heat a little at the sudden thought that Bellamy had discussed their sex life with her just a couple days prior.
"Good morning," he said, walking over to her desk and putting her coffee down in front of her.
"Good morning. Glad to be back?" she asked, her tone making it obvious that was a rhetorical question. "I hope you're feeling well-rested."
"I feel like I've done nothing but rest for nine days, so yes. Very much." He walked over to his own desk and opened a locked drawer. If any of his patients had been seen in his absence, their files would be stacked inside. He raised his brows at the rather large stack. "Did I miss anything major?"
Abby shook her head. "Nothing too major. There was a stomach virus going around Farm Station, so we had several dehydration cases that were easily treated. One diabetic coma, which fortunately wasn't severe. I think the rest of those were minor complaints."
She sat back in her chair, sipping her coffee. "Bellamy seems to have taken good care of you."
Jackson nodded. "If he wasn't a sympathetic vomiter, he might actually make a good nurse," he said, smiling faintly as he skimmed a file for one patient who'd come in with a wrist sprain.
Abby laughed quietly. "I'm not sure he'd be quite as motivated to take care of anyone who wasn't you," she said, smiling.
He closed the file in front of him and gave Abby a crooked smile. "I guess I'll be in luck when I'm frail and eighty and he's still a spry seventy-seven."
Abby laughed again. "I'm sure Clarke will look after you, too." Then her smile faded. "While he was here the other day, Bellamy told me you discussed reporting Allard."
Jackson pressed his lips together, his own smile fading. "I did. You were right, I should have had more faith in him than I did."
She shook her head. "I did understand your reluctance, you know. I'm glad to know for sure that he supports you." She opened her mouth to say something else, but a woman in her twenties came into Medical just then.
"Doctor Griffin? I cut my hand. It won't stop bleeding."
And with that, their brief lull was ended.
Abby got up to help her patient, and Jackson went back to going over his files. He made some notes as he did, taking bites of his breakfast absently. He was more than halfway through his stack when one of his own patients came in for a recheck of something that had happened while he was out.
He couldn't help but feel warmed at the way she gushed about how happy she was to see him back, and told him in hushed tones how much she appreciated his bedside manner better than Abby's. When she asked why he'd been gone, he told her he'd had the flu, because he didn't want her asking questions about how he'd wound up with a concussion.
The rest of the day was spent balancing catch up work with patients, and while nothing major came through the doors, he'd found his stomach rumbling by dinner time and realized he'd forgotten lunch.
"I heard that," Abby said, walking up beside him. "Why don't you go get dinner? Take time to have dinner with Bellamy, if you want. I didn't mean for you to work through lunch your first day back."
Jackson shrugged. "It's fine. Bell said something about working the Masquerade ball for the kids tonight, so he's not even around." He reached over and touched her shoulder. "But I'll go eat," he conceded, because he was feeling a little worn out anyway and sitting down and clearing his mind in the mess for a little while might help.
He smiled down at her and she gave him a small smile back, and then he headed for the mess.
On his way there, alarms started going off in the corridors, and Jackson slowed his pace, wondering what was going on. Should he go back to Medical? Or go find Bellamy?
When a guard jogged down the corridor past him, Jackson stopped him to ask what was happening.
"Solar flare. Nothing to worry about on this side of the Ark," the guard said. Jackson didn't recognize him and the guard seemed indifferent to Jackson, so he figured he probably wasn't being lied to.
Once he got through the line in the mess with his tray, the alarms had stopped. He found an empty table to sit at and tried to decompress a little.
He'd been there maybe ten minutes when a shadow fell across his tray and he realized someone was standing very close to him. Very close. And not in a friendly way. Jackson's stomach twisted and he looked up to see Allard, a sharp smile on his face.
"Well, well. Haven't seen you around lately, doc."
Jackson tried to ignore the way his heart was suddenly racing. "Weird, right?" he said. "It's almost like something happened to me." God, did Allard even know he'd been reported yet? He cleared his throat and sat back. "I didn't realize you'd miss my company so much."
"I thought I told you, I was told to keep an eye on you." Allard narrowed his eyes. "I was a little surprised to find out you're not very smart for a doctor, though."
Jackson lifted his brows. "Oh?"
Allard snorted. "I had a real friendly conversation with my supervisor today. Seems like some not-so-smart doctor told her he had a problem with how I do my job." He shook his head. "And I would've sworn that doctor had been told to keep his mouth shut."
Jackson swallowed hard. "Seems like whoever told that not-so-smart doctor to keep his mouth shut underestimated the commitment said doctor has to his patients." He should let this go. He should walk away. If he provoked Allard now, it might make things worse for Bellamy.
Allard put his hands on the table, leaning into Jackson's space. "It's too bad that doctor isn't as committed to his pretty cadet boyfriend," he said softly.
"Do you always talk so confidently about things you don't understand?" he said, then pushed to his feet and picked up his tray. This could get out of control if he let it go.
"I could ask you the same question," Allard remarked, straightening and folding his arms across his chest.
Jackson eyed him for a moment, then shook his head. "If you have something to say to me, say it." God, this was stupid.
"Oh, I've said all I want to say to you, doc." Allard's lips curled in a nasty smile. "Next time I talk to someone about this, it'll be Blake."
Dread was choking Jackson now, but he tried to keep his expression even. He lowered his voice. "I'll give him your regards," he said. He wanted to throw Allard's words back at him by continuing 'next time I blow him', but he couldn't bring himself to say it. Not because he was ashamed, but because he didn't want to stoop to Allard's level.
He turned and started toward the tray depository.
"You do that, doc," Allard called after him. To Jackson's relief, it didn't sound like Allard was following.
Jackson dropped his tray and half-full plate off and left the mess, heading back to Medical, trying to ignore the desire to find out where that party Bell was guarding was and go warn Bellamy.
But, of course, Bellamy already knew he had a target on his back. So Jackson just focused on trying to get his heart rate back down before he had to face Abby again.
Abby was finishing up with a patient when he got there, so by the time they had a chance to talk, he was as calm as he could manage. They settled in to go over a couple of cases together, and then Abby started inventorying the controlled medications. She'd barely gotten started on that when Marcus Kane strode into Medical. "Abby," he said sharply. "If you don't have anything pressing, I need you for Council business. It's...rather urgent."
Abby shot Jackson a concerned look. "Do you mind covering Medical?" she asked.
"I told you, Bellamy's on duty at a party. I'm free," he said, stepping over to where she'd been working and offering Kane a small smile. "Councilor," he said.
One of these days he would get Kane to smile at him. Today didn't seem to be that day. In fact, Kane eyed him for a moment in a way that made Jackson slightly uncomfortable.
Kane cleared his throat. "Jackson," he said, and left Medical with Abby. Abby was gone for over an hour, and when she returned, she was frowning so hard it looked like it hurt. She stopped in the middle of the room, watching him.
He held her gaze for a moment, waiting for her to speak. He was never quite certain if he should ask about Council business or not. But she kept watching him for long enough that he frowned in confusion. "You okay?"
He heard her let out a long sigh. When she spoke, her voice was low, but clear. "Jackson, do you know Octavia Blake?" She watched him intently as she said it.
Blake? Did this have to do with Bellamy? Jackson's frown deepened. "Do you mean Aurora Blake? I've met her."
Abby let out a shaky breath and shook her head. "Sit down," she said, going over to do the same herself. "This is...going to be difficult."
Jackson suddenly had a sinking feeling in his chest. Whatever had happened, it was serious. He sat in a chair next to her and fixed her with a serious expression. "What is?"
Abby reached over and took his hand. "The reason Kane needed me for Council business is that Bellamy's mother Aurora--" She broke off, then took a deep breath. "Let me start with the good news. The Council has voted not to float Bellamy for his mother's crime."
A flash of shock ran through Jackson, his fingers closing around Abby's instinctively. "Float Bellamy?" he stammered. "What crime? What could his mother have done to get him floated?!" Aurora Blake was weird, but she didn't seem like a criminal.
Abby squeezed his hand gently. "Well, Bellamy was certainly an accomplice, but because the initial crime was committed sixteen years ago, when he was a minor, and because of the extenuating circumstances involved..." She held Jackson's gaze. "Bellamy has a sister. Octavia. He and his mother have been hiding her for sixteen years. And she was discovered today because of the solar flare."
Jackson found himself staring at Abby in disbelief. Bellamy had a sister? How was that even possible? Jackson knew the birth control implants weren't 100% effective, and that occasionally complications required their removal. But why hadn't Aurora aborted the second pregnancy? How had they kept a human being--an infant, a young girl--in hiding for sixteen years? "This… doesn't make sense, Abby," he said. "I've had dinner at their home. There was no sixteen year old girl there."
"From what I understand, there was a secret compartment under the floor," Abby said. "There's no question it's true, Jackson. Bellamy has admitted everything." She sighed.
Jackson couldn't stop staring at her. Bellamy had a sister. Octavia. Who lived under the floor. She'd… oh, God, she'd probably been there when Jackson had dinner with Bellamy and his mom the other night. "It's… unbelievable," he breathed. "How--" He shook his head. As hard as it was to swallow any of this, he knew Abby was serious. "What's going to happen to all of them? Where are they now?"
"Octavia and Aurora have been taken to lockup." Abby sighed. "Aurora will be floated in the morning. Bellamy...Lieutenant Shumway said he wanted to talk to him once the Council was finished with him." Abby met Jackson's gaze unhappily. "I suspect his career with the guard is over."
"God," Jackson said, lifting a hand to press over his eyes. He tried to draw a few steadying breaths, but he couldn't calm his racing heart. "I need to go talk to him," he said, standing and pulling his hand out of hers. "I'm sorry, I need to go. I'll-- I'll be back in the morning," he stammered, then headed out of medical.
***
Bellamy stumbled out of Lieutenant Shumway's office and stopped walking. Everything felt unreal. How could this be happening?
Approaching footsteps made Bellamy look up. A couple of guards were at the end of the corridor. He needed to get away from here. He couldn't imagine how he would explain this to his friends if they happened by.
He started walking again, staring at the floor several feet ahead of him so he wouldn't have to meet anyone's eyes. His feet automatically turned toward the quarters where he'd grown up.
Once he got inside, he sat on his bed and stared at the floor. "This isn't real," he whispered. "This can't be real."
He wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting there--maybe five minutes, maybe an hour--when he heard someone knock at his door. He tensed automatically, then Jackson's voice was calling from outside. "Bell, it's me!" He knocked again. "Bell?"
Bell took a deep breath and went to open the door. Doctor Griffin must have told him what happened. Bellamy hoped she had. He pulled the door open and looked at Jackson, unable to think of anything to say.
Jackson stared at him for a long moment, looking like he didn't know what to say either. Then the anxiety on his face faded into sympathy. "Bell," he said sadly, and then stepped inside and wrapped his arms around Bellamy tightly.
Oh God. He might never get to hug his sister again. Bell wilted against Jackson, his breathing going ragged. "It's my fault," he whispered.
He felt Jackson shift to kick his door shut, but Jackson didn't let go of him. "No, it's not," he breathed. "God, Bell, why didn't you tell me?"
"They might have sentenced you to float if you knew." Bellamy's heart was racing suddenly. "I'm lucky they didn't sentence me to float. Lucky!" he spat.
Jackson pulled back enough to look at him, gripping Bellamy's shoulders. "What happened today? Abby said it was because of the solar flare?"
"It was my fault," Bellamy said again. He couldn't meet Jackson's gaze. He didn't deserve the kindness he would find there. "I thought--she--" He felt like he couldn't breathe, like a giant hand was squeezing his chest. "She's been so down lately. I just wanted to let her see a little of the Ark. I thought the masks..." He swayed. "I need to sit down," he said, just before his knees buckled.
"Bell!" Jackson gasped, surging forward to wrap his arms around Bellamy to keep him from falling, but Bellamy was either too heavy or had too much momentum by the time Jackson saw what was happening, and they both landed hard on their knees. "Bell, you need to lie down," he said, his arms still wrapped around Bellamy. He pulled back and cupped Bellamy's face between his hands, and Bellamy sat back on his heels.
"You're clammy," Jackson said. He shifted to Bell's side, and then was pushing Bellamy's shoulders down. "Put your head down and breathe for a minute. I'll help you to bed once you feel less lightheaded." His hand splayed against Bellamy's back.
Bellamy squeezed his eyes shut, but that just made him remember the way Octavia had looked at him right before she ran. Oh, God, he had fucked up so badly.
"They're going to float my mom, J," he gasped. "Oh God, what have I done? I--" He broke off, choking on the words. He'd killed his mother. Oh, God.
Jackson's hand slid to the side as Jackson leaned down, the length of his arm draping over Bellamy's shoulders now. "Shhh," Jackson whispered, his voice much closer now. "Just breathe right now. If you pass out on me, I'll have to take you to Medical." The hand on Bellamy's shoulder lifted and then was stroking the back of Bellamy's head.
Bellamy tried to slow his breathing. He opened his eyes again, staring at the floor in front of him. "You--shouldn't even be here," he mumbled. "Shouldn't care. I hurt everyone I love."
His breathing was still too shallow but it was getting a little more regular.
Jackson's fingers stilled against his head for a moment, then started stroking again. "I'm not going anywhere," he murmured. "Breathe."
Bellamy exhaled slowly. "Don't deserve you." He swallowed and lifted a shaky hand to wipe his eyes. He hadn't realized they were wet until then.
"I don't see why not," Jackson said, and when Bellamy opened his mouth to reply, Jackson cut him off with a sharp, "shh." Bellamy decided not to argue, and let Jackson stroke his hair for another few moments while his breathing evened out. "Got enough blood back to your brain now? Think you can sit up and get to bed?"
Bell sighed and nodded. "Think so. Sorry." He let Jackson help him up and stumbled over to his bed. He looked around the room, his eyes stinging again. "Wasn't thinking. Should have gone to your home."
"Of course you weren't thinking," Jackson said softly, guiding Bellamay to lay down. "Still a little unsteady. Knees up," he said, nudging Bellamy's legs. "As soon as I'm sure you're not still going to pass out on me, we can go, if you want." He sat at the edge of the bed, and reached a hand out to touch Bellamy's face. "Bell, I am so sorry."
"I need..." Bellamy took a breath. "Can you see the trap door?" he asked, gesturing at the floor. "Need to see if they left her things. Please."
They'd taken his sister, but maybe they hadn't taken every last reminder of her.
Jackson shook his head, but he got down on his knees on the floor. "Tell me where," he said, sliding his hands slowly in front of him.
"Under where the table was," Bellamy said. "She--she wanted to 'meet' you. Oh, God, J." He put his hand over his eyes, trying to keep his breathing steady. "Fuck," he breathed. "Okay, there's a little groove."
Jackson felt for it a minute more, and then his fingers curled into the groove and he yanked the panel up. Once it was open, Jackson sat back on his heels in front of it without saying anything. His back facing Bellamy, his shoulders slumped. Finally he sighed. "Looks like they left her things," he said, sounding far off. "She was here when I came over?"
"She was always here," Bellamy whispered, then cleared his throat and repeated that. "She'd never been out of our rooms before today. I thought the masquerade--she could see Earth, watch the moonrise... I was so stupid."
Jackson shook his head. "That's not stupid," he said, still staring into the hole in the floor. After a moment, he leaned down and pulled out a teddy bear so worn that patches of fur were missing. Bellamy recognized it as one that had been his as a child, but he'd passed on to O. "I can't even imagine," Jackson said, absently turning the bear over in his hands as if he might give it a physical at any moment.
"I wanted to tell you," Bellamy said. "But I didn't...how could I put you in that position? The only reason they voted not to float me was Doctor Griffin. She said--" He coughed against the tightness in his throat. "She said no one could have expected me to turn in my own blood. And that convinced Kane. And the chancellor said it had to be unanimous, so." His breathing was going shaky again, so he quit talking and concentrated on breathing.
Jackson dropped the bear back into the space under the floor and half-crawled back over to the bed, settling on the edge again. He pressed a hand to Bellamy's chest, against where Bell's heart felt like it might explode. "She… she asked if I knew Octavia," he said. "I thought she'd gotten your mother's name wrong." His gaze was sad on Bell's face.
"I told her you didn't know," Bell said, trying to blink back the tears that wouldn't quite stop. "I swore you didn't know anything. I'm so sorry I dragged you into this." He covered his eyes, squeezing them shut. "Mom told me not to-- She said it was too dangerous and I just ignored her and now--" God, he was going to lose it again. Jackson wanted him to calm down, and he couldn't manage it, because every time he started calming down, he thought of something else that made this even more horrible. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
"Don't be stupid," Jackson said gently. "You didn't drag me into anything. Every step I've taken toward you, I've done it of my own volition. Including coming here tonight." Bellamy felt Jackson shift, and then Jackson kissed his wet cheek. "It's okay to be upset," he whispered. "Just don't forget to breathe again."
Bellamy lifted his hand to cup the back of Jackson's head, then he exhaled shakily. "I tried so hard to keep you at arm's length," he said softly. "I just couldn't do it any more." He took a couple more shaky breaths. "Thank you," he whispered. "For coming here tonight."
"Like I could be anywhere else with you hurting like this," Jackson breathed. "I don't think I even said goodbye to Abby when I left Medical."
"She... I'm pretty sure she thinks I dragged you into this," Bell mumbled. He scooted over on the bed, tugging Jackson so he would follow. Maybe if Jackson held him, he could match their breathing and calm down enough to get out of these rooms.
Jackson didn't resist. He settled against Bellamy, wrapping his arms around Bellamy's chest. "She's wrong," he said.
Bellamy shivered and closed his eyes. "I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't found me here," he admitted. "I don't even know how long I was here before you found me." He tried to listen to Jackson's breathing. Focus on breathing.
"You were in shock," Jackon murmured, lifting a hand to stroke Bellamy's hair. "You still are, I think."
Bellamy's breathing hitched. He steadied it for a moment, and then something else hit him and a strangled noise pushed out of his throat. "You always asked why I put up with Grus' boys treating me like that?" His eyes started stinging again. "Grus knew Mom had a secret. She fucked him for the inspection schedules and I couldn't let him wonder--" He choked on the words and for a second couldn't drag a breath in. When he managed to breathe again, it was a sob. He turned his head and pressed closer to Jackson's neck. "Had to protect O," he managed.
Jackson drew a steady breath, then let it out, his breath gusting against Bellamy's skin. "It makes a lot more sense now," he said softly.
"Oh, God, J, what am I going to do?" Bellamy gasped. "They took O. They took her. They--She's my sister. My responsibility. What do I do?" His chest felt like it was going to explode again, and he felt like he was going to fall into pieces, and nothing he could do would help.
Jackson tugged Bellamy closer. "I don't know," he said. "Wait? I know it's gonna hurt, but she's sixteen. Two years in lockup, and then she's out. She'll be free. They can't possibly float her for something she had no say in. And in the meantime, you can visit her. We can, if you want. And she'll be one of my patients. I know it's not a lot, but you haven't lost her."
"Why lock her up at all?" Bell whispered, not fighting his tears anymore. "She's been locked up her whole fucking life. The people who love her locked her up, and now the Ark is gonna lock her up? What is wrong with us?"
He felt Jackson shake his head. "I wish I could answer that," he admitted, fingers stroking Bellamy's back. "I don't understand it either. If they're going to float your--" He went still for a moment. When he spoke again, the words sounded strained. "I don't see why she can't take your mother's place on the Ark."
Bellamy let out another sob. He didn't know if he was allowed to agree with that idea. Some part of him knew, deep down, that nothing would save his mom. She would be gone. But the idea of Octavia being all alone in lockup, not having him to protect her-- Why couldn't she take Mom's place? But it was horrible for him to think that about his own mother. How could he love Octavia more than Mom? Another spasm of grief shook him and he gave up on any hope of calming down.
His shoulders shook as he started to sob uselessly against Jackson, but Jackson kept his breathing steady and stroked his hands over Bellamy in a way that Bellamy thought might be comforting if there was any possibility for comfort at this point.
"I could…" Jackson drew a deep breath. "If you want me there with you… tomorrow morning… I'll be there."
Bellamy didn't want to think about the morning. He didn't know if he could face what his mother would say to him. Having Jackson there would make it more bearable for him--but what if she said awful things to Jackson? What if it made it worse for her? Bellamy didn't deserve it to be bearable. He shook his head, more in dismissal than to say no, but he didn't have the breath to speak.
"Okay," Jackson murmured, squeezing Bellamy tighter. "Let me know if you change your mind."
Bellamy took a couple of deep breaths and blurted, "Why do you even like someone who's such a fuck up, J?"
Jackson kissed Bellamy's hair. "You're not a fuck up," he said firmly.
"How you can you--" Bell gasped, but then he lost it again and gave up on talking.
Jackson stroked his hair, but didn't say anything for a long time. He just let Bellamy cry in his arms until the tears started to slow down again. Eventually, Jackson hummed an unhappy noise. "I wish I could fix this for you," he whispered. "What I can do is try to get on the next rotation for the Skybox. Kids that are new in there get a physical, even if they have no complaints. Sometimes it takes a week or so, but considering your sister has never been to a doctor, they'll probably want her checked out sooner rather than later."
Bell let out a long, shuddery breath. He was exhausted, but Jackson's words made his chest ache again. How had Bellamy earned so much kindness and loyalty from a man like Jackson? Bellamy wiped his face and moved to kiss Jackson's neck. "You..." he breathed. God, he loved Jackson. And what an awful time to realize it. "You are amazing," he managed. "Thank you--" His breath hitched. "--for caring about her."
Jackson huffed. "I care about you. So fucking much. That makes it easy to care about her."
Chapter Eight
