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geekystudmuffinTitle: Lips That Have Smiled, Eyes That Have Shed Tears - Chapter 8/12
Fandom: The 100
Pairing: Bellamy/Jackson, mentions of Abby Griffin/Jake Griffin
Rating: NC-17/FRAO
WC: ~82,000
Characters: Bellamy Blake, Jackson, Octavia Blake, Aurora Blake, Marcus Kane, Inspector Grus, Abby Griffin, Clarke Griffin, Monty Green, Jasper Jordan, various OCs
Warnings: Bullying, minor character death, alcohol abuse
Notes: We're posting in chapters, but this is not a WIP. We also stayed mostly canon-compliant, but hand-waved a few things while writing this. The Ark doesn't have a limited supply of water in this fic. The timeline of Monty & Jasper's arrest is moved up a bit. And Jackson's backstory is AU, as this was written before 3x10, "Fallen", revealed info about Jackson's mother. Also, neither of us speak Hindi, so the single sentence we wrote in Hindi was googled. If you speak Hindi, and we got it wrong, our feelings will not be hurt if you correct us. :)
Summary: Bellamy Blake isn't one of the privileged on the Ark. His life as a guard cadet would be a lot easier if he weren't trying to keep his mother's secrets and protect his sister. What Bellamy doesn't realize is just how much a certain doctor has figured out about his problems, and how much Doctor Jackson wants to help.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One, Chapter Two - Part One, Chapter Two - Part Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Jackson was mildly disoriented when he woke up in Bell's rooms, but the events of the day before came flooding back pretty quickly. He glanced at the clock, and shook Bell gently awake.
Bell jerked awake as if woken from a nightmare, and Jackson held him close until he stopped trembling. Bellamy blurted out then that he did want Jackson to be with him during his mother's execution this morning, but that he'd prefer if Jackson stayed out of Aurora's line of sight if at all possible. Jackson hated the idea of not being able to really comfort Bell, but he understood. Aurora wasn't his biggest fan.
They left earlier than necessary so that Jackson could stop by Medical to tell Abby he would be late and to request that he be assigned to the Skybox for Octavia's first visit from Medical. She said she'd make it happen, and then told him to take the day off to be with Bellamy.
When he rejoined Bellamy, who had lingered outside of Medical while Jackson talked to Abby, he clasped their hands together tightly as they made their way to the airlock. Bellamy was oddly stoic.
It must not feel real yet, Jackson reasoned.
He pulled Bellamy against him for a firm hug before they rounded the corner to where Aurora would be floated, and Bellamy returned it almost absently. Then Jackson made himself let go of Bellamy completely as they turned the corner.
Jackson saw Chancellor Jaha and Kane, along with Lieutenant Shumway and several guards, surrounding Aurora near the end of the hall. He ducked his head when he saw her, and positioned himself a good distance behind Kane, in such a place that he hoped Kane obstructed Aurora's view of him.
He saw Bellamy straighten, his steps faltering for a moment. Then Bell walked on to the end of the hall to stand in front of his mother.
Bellamy's shoulders slumped, and Jackson barely heard him say, "I'm so sorry, Mom." Jackson's chest ached for him.
Aurora shook her hair back from her face and wrapped her arms around her son. "Take care of Octavia," she said, her voice steady. "Like you always have."
"Mom, this was my--"
"Shh." She pulled back, her hands lifting to frame Bellamy's face. Jackson saw Bellamy tense, but Aurora was smiling up at him, despite her wet cheeks. "I always knew I would float for this, Bell. I didn't mean for it to happen just yet, but I always knew." She nodded. "Just take care of Octavia." She looked beyond Bellamy then, her gaze finding Jackson despite his attempt to hide. "And tell your boyfriend everything," she said, looking at him. "He's a good man. Be happy."
To his surprise, those words made Jackson's eyes sting. God, he couldn't cry, so he sniffed hard and straightened, holding her gaze for a moment. He offered her a tiny smile that he knew probably looked painful.
Aurora nodded at him, then let Bellamy pull her into his arms for one more hug. Bellamy said something too low for Jackson hear, then Aurora said, "I love you too, Bellamy. Tell Octavia I love her. And that this isn't her fault. Or yours." She brushed her hand through Bell's hair, then as Jaha stepped forward, she nodded and backed away from Bellamy. "I love you," she said again, and kept backing up, her gaze on Bellamy's face, until she was standing in the airlock.
Bellamy's shoulders moved like he was fighting back a sob, but he didn't turn away as Lieutenant Shumway looked to the chancellor. "Sir?" Shumway said.
Jaha nodded, and Shumway hit the button.
Jackson took a sharp breath as Aurora was sucked into space, and for a long moment, he just stared out into the void. But then he managed to drag his gaze away to look at Bellamy, whose expression was stricken.
Jackson stepped out from behind Kane and walked over to him. He stopped just behind his shoulder and pressed his hand to the small of Bellamy's back. He was well aware everyone was looking at Bellamy now, and Jackson wanted Bell to know he was there if he needed to turn and collapse into his arms, while also giving Bellamy the room to try to keep up the strong exterior as much as he could while they were in public.
He felt Bellamy trembling, but Bell turned slowly, a muscle jumping in his jaw. Jackson saw the burning rage in the look Bellamy gave Jaha, but as soon as Bellamy's gaze met Jackson's, the expression melted into grief and need. Bellamy held his gaze for a moment, then said softly, "Let's go home."
Jackson nodded slowly at him. "Yeah," he said quietly. He glanced around the room as Bellamy started walking. How did everyone here look so fucking calm? Especially Jaha. Jackson shook his head, feeling mildly sick, then followed Bellamy, pressing his hand to his back again.
He could feel Bellamy's uneven breathing, but he knew from Bell's posture that he was trying to get as far away as possible before he lost his grip on his emotions. Bellamy managed it for a few minutes, but they were barely half of the way back to Jackson's quarters before he felt Bellamy shuddering in a way that suggested he was about to lose control.
"Breathe," Jackson said gently, sliding his arm around Bellamy's waist and holding him close. "We can make it. Follow my breathing. Focus on that," he said, starting to draw in long, slow breaths and letting them out.
Bellamy nodded without looking at him, but Jackson felt Bellamy trying to match his breathing. "Get me home, J," he murmured. When Jackson glanced at his face, he saw Bellamy had his eyes closed.
"I've got you," Jackson said. He continued to try to breathe through it with Bell, but he picked up their pace. A few people caught his gaze in the hall, but he shot them looks that clearly said now was not the time to approach him, and eventually he was unlocking the door to his rooms and guiding Bellamy inside.
As soon as the door was shut behind them, Bell let out a noise like he'd been kicked in the stomach, and then he was slumping against Jackson. "Oh, God," he managed. "J. J."
Jackson fumbled his hand behind him to lock the door, then wrapped his arms around Bellamy tightly. "It's okay," he murmured. "I'm here. Just you and me now."
Bellamy took a few breaths that made Jackson worry he was about to hyperventilate and get lightheaded on him again, and then Bellamy wrapped his arms around him, fisting his fingers in Jackson's clothes and burying his face against Jackson's shoulder. He let out a couple of broken noises and then whispered, "Bed."
"Whatever you need," Jackson said, and guided them over to the bed, letting Bellamy cling to him as he stroked his hair.
"They jus--" Bellamy blurted, then sucked in a breath. "Just--hit that--Oh, God." He was obviously trying to catch his breath, but he must have given up on that attempt, because Bellamy pulled Jackson down with him, tugging at his clothes. "Fuck me until I forget," he begged.
"Oh, God," Jackson panted. That was really the last thing he'd been expecting Bellamy to say. He let Bellamy struggle his shirt off, and leaned down to kiss Bellamy. He kept the kiss soft, though. "You're not thinking straight," he said.
"What else will help?" Bellamy demanded. "I need to forget. Just for now. Please."
Jackson's chest was aching, even as Bellamy's hands roamed his bare chest. He had said he would do whatever Bellamy needed. But God, Bellamy's mother had just been floated. What if fucking Bellamy wasn't enough for him to forget? What if he broke down during sex? What if he was miserable the whole time, and then irrationally took it out on Jackson later for 'taking advantage' of him?
"What if no matter what I do, you can't forget?" Jackson whispered, kissing Bell again and feeling slightly ashamed that his body was taking notice already.
Bellamy sobbed against Jackson's lips and then blurted, "Please make me feel something that isn't pain."
Jackson squeezed his eyes shut at the sudden stinging those words caused. "Okay," he breathed, kissing Bellamy again. "Okay. I--" love you, he almost blurted. He sucked in a sharp breath at his near slip. Why did those words suddenly want to tumble out of his mouth?
But saying them now felt… manipulative.
Jackson slid his hands up under Bellamy's shirt, pressing firmly against his skin, and started working his mouth over Bellamy's jaw.
Bellamy pressed up into his mouth, his hands clutching at Jackson's waist. "I need you," he breathed, and then one of his hands was buried in Jackson's hair.
"S'mutual," Jackson panted against Bellamy's skin. He slid his hands further up Bellamy's chest, then sat back to tug off Bellamy's shirt. "So beautiful," he murmured, leaned back down to suck at Bell's throat, scraping his teeth over it and moving lower. His fingers started working on Bellamy's pants, tugging them open. "Shoes off," he ordered, hoping Bell wasn't wearing boots and could just toe them off.
He felt Bell shift under him, and then twin thumps told him he'd obeyed. Bellamy's eyes were wet, but he was looking at Jackson with a painful combination of grief and need. "So're you," Bell said, his gaze on Jackson's.
Oh, God, should he be doing this?
Jackson kicked off his own shoes, letting them fall to the floor as well. There had been times, after Jackson's mother died, that he'd buried his feelings in sex with his boyfriend, he reminded himself. It hadn't been immediately after, but people processed things differently. Of course, Jackson had subsequently buried himself in work and destroyed that relationship too, but Jackson tried not to think of what grief-stricken Bellamy might do beyond this point.
Bellamy sucked in a couple of labored breaths, then whispered, "Can't breathe. J." His fingers were tangled in Jackson's hair, but Bellamy was suddenly gasping against Jackson's neck.
Jackson expelled a gusty breath, and pulled back to look at Bell. "We don't have to do this, Bell," he whispered, stroking his fingers through Bellamy's hair in hopes to soothe him. "It's okay," he said, willing his body to stop racing. "It's okay."
But Bellamy was already shaking his head. "I need to--not think--" he panted, holding Jackson's gaze. "Please."
"God, Bellamy, you're…" Jackson breathed. "How can I fuck you like this?"
He felt Bellamy's body shuddering against his as Bell's sobs escaped. "But I need--" Bellamy managed. Then there was a long pause before he let another sob escape. "I can't..."
Bellamy's fingers were tangled in his hair, his body pressing up against Jackson's, but his physical actions didn't seem to match up with his emotional state.
Jackson sagged down against Bellamy a little, kissing him softly and telling his body to slow down. "You can't what?"
"I just--" Bell broke off, breathing hard. "I just can't--" He was still clutching at Jackson, but his breathing had gone ragged in a way that was entirely emotional. "I can't--Oh, God, I can't." Bellamy sobbed against Jackson's neck, clinging to him.
Jackson expelled a breath, wishing Bellamy wasn't hurting so much. It was like Jackson could feel Bellamy's pain in his own body. Jackson slid off Bellamy to his side and pulled Bellamy against him tightly. "I know," he whispered, though he still wasn't sure what Bellamy was trying to say. "It's okay. Let it out."
"I can't understand," Bell gasped against his neck between sobs. "How could they-- How can she be--" It was like he had too many thoughts racing through his head to even complete one. "M'sorry."
"Don't apologize to me," Jackson said firmly, stroking his hands over Bell's hair and back.
Bellamy clutched at him and quit trying to speak. He just sobbed for a long time, as Jackson stroked his back. Finally the initial storm of grief seemed to pass and Bellamy's breathing began slowing again.
Jackson ducked his head to kiss the top of Bellamy's head. "Thank you," he murmured. "For letting me be there for you this morning."
Bellamy sucked in a deep breath and sighed. "Thank you for offering," he croaked. He cleared his throat. "I'm glad you got to hear what she said about you."
Jackson nodded. "She told you to tell me everything," he whispered. "Can you tell me now?" He tightened his arms around Bellamy. "I can wait if you need to."
Bellamy took a few more breaths. "You know all the broad strokes now," he said. "I never knew my dad or O's. Mom never said why she wanted another baby. I always..." He sighed. "Always felt like I wasn't enough for her."
"That can't be true," Jackson said gently. His suspicion was that Aurora had become accidentally pregnant, and then chose not to terminate the pregnancy. Jackson couldn't quite understand that decision, but he decided Bellamy probably didn't want to listen to him speculate.
"Oh, I knew it probably wasn't true," Bell sighed again. "But it still felt that way." He paused. "Mom needed me in the guard to make sure Octavia was safe. I never knew if I really wanted the guard for myself or for her."
Jackson swallowed hard. "And… now? What did Shumway say?"
Bellamy went still for a moment. "God. Can you believe I'd forgotten I lost my job along with everything else?" He sighed. "The guard needs 'men of integrity,' not a guy who'd lie to save someone he loved."
Jackson rolled his eyes. "'Men of integrity', my ass," he muttered. Although, a glimmer of hope pushed up into Jackson's chest. If Bellamy wasn't in the guard, maybe Allard and his buddies wouldn't feel the need to attack Bell now. "Maybe… maybe that just means now you can pursue something you know is for you, not your family."
Bellamy sighed. "Maybe. I... I don't even know what I would want. I don't want to think right now."
"Okay," Jackson murmured. He tucked his fingers under Bellamy's chin and guided Bellamy's face up for a long, slow kiss.
He felt Bellamy melt into the kiss, his whole body relaxing against him.
Oh, it felt good that he could do that, Jackson thought, that he was capable of getting Bellamy to relax even now. He traced absent shapes down Bellamy's spine with his fingertips as they continued kissing.
"What would I do without you?" Bell whispered. He cupped Jackson's cheek.
Jackson gave him a small, slightly sad smile. "I don't know," he admitted. Bellamy's mother had clearly wanted Bell to keep his distance from people. If Jackson wasn't here, what would Bellamy have done with his mother floated and sister locked up?
Bellamy lifted his head for a lingering kiss, then settled down again, pressing his face against Jackson's neck. "M'so exhausted," he mumbled. "Shouldn't be so exhausted."
"Yes, you should," Jackson murmured. He didn't need to go into just how much emotional exhaustion could affect you physically, though. He stroked his fingers through Bellamy's hair. "Sleep. I'll be here."
Chapter Nine
Fandom: The 100
Pairing: Bellamy/Jackson, mentions of Abby Griffin/Jake Griffin
Rating: NC-17/FRAO
WC: ~82,000
Characters: Bellamy Blake, Jackson, Octavia Blake, Aurora Blake, Marcus Kane, Inspector Grus, Abby Griffin, Clarke Griffin, Monty Green, Jasper Jordan, various OCs
Warnings: Bullying, minor character death, alcohol abuse
Notes: We're posting in chapters, but this is not a WIP. We also stayed mostly canon-compliant, but hand-waved a few things while writing this. The Ark doesn't have a limited supply of water in this fic. The timeline of Monty & Jasper's arrest is moved up a bit. And Jackson's backstory is AU, as this was written before 3x10, "Fallen", revealed info about Jackson's mother. Also, neither of us speak Hindi, so the single sentence we wrote in Hindi was googled. If you speak Hindi, and we got it wrong, our feelings will not be hurt if you correct us. :)
Summary: Bellamy Blake isn't one of the privileged on the Ark. His life as a guard cadet would be a lot easier if he weren't trying to keep his mother's secrets and protect his sister. What Bellamy doesn't realize is just how much a certain doctor has figured out about his problems, and how much Doctor Jackson wants to help.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One, Chapter Two - Part One, Chapter Two - Part Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Jackson was mildly disoriented when he woke up in Bell's rooms, but the events of the day before came flooding back pretty quickly. He glanced at the clock, and shook Bell gently awake.
Bell jerked awake as if woken from a nightmare, and Jackson held him close until he stopped trembling. Bellamy blurted out then that he did want Jackson to be with him during his mother's execution this morning, but that he'd prefer if Jackson stayed out of Aurora's line of sight if at all possible. Jackson hated the idea of not being able to really comfort Bell, but he understood. Aurora wasn't his biggest fan.
They left earlier than necessary so that Jackson could stop by Medical to tell Abby he would be late and to request that he be assigned to the Skybox for Octavia's first visit from Medical. She said she'd make it happen, and then told him to take the day off to be with Bellamy.
When he rejoined Bellamy, who had lingered outside of Medical while Jackson talked to Abby, he clasped their hands together tightly as they made their way to the airlock. Bellamy was oddly stoic.
It must not feel real yet, Jackson reasoned.
He pulled Bellamy against him for a firm hug before they rounded the corner to where Aurora would be floated, and Bellamy returned it almost absently. Then Jackson made himself let go of Bellamy completely as they turned the corner.
Jackson saw Chancellor Jaha and Kane, along with Lieutenant Shumway and several guards, surrounding Aurora near the end of the hall. He ducked his head when he saw her, and positioned himself a good distance behind Kane, in such a place that he hoped Kane obstructed Aurora's view of him.
He saw Bellamy straighten, his steps faltering for a moment. Then Bell walked on to the end of the hall to stand in front of his mother.
Bellamy's shoulders slumped, and Jackson barely heard him say, "I'm so sorry, Mom." Jackson's chest ached for him.
Aurora shook her hair back from her face and wrapped her arms around her son. "Take care of Octavia," she said, her voice steady. "Like you always have."
"Mom, this was my--"
"Shh." She pulled back, her hands lifting to frame Bellamy's face. Jackson saw Bellamy tense, but Aurora was smiling up at him, despite her wet cheeks. "I always knew I would float for this, Bell. I didn't mean for it to happen just yet, but I always knew." She nodded. "Just take care of Octavia." She looked beyond Bellamy then, her gaze finding Jackson despite his attempt to hide. "And tell your boyfriend everything," she said, looking at him. "He's a good man. Be happy."
To his surprise, those words made Jackson's eyes sting. God, he couldn't cry, so he sniffed hard and straightened, holding her gaze for a moment. He offered her a tiny smile that he knew probably looked painful.
Aurora nodded at him, then let Bellamy pull her into his arms for one more hug. Bellamy said something too low for Jackson hear, then Aurora said, "I love you too, Bellamy. Tell Octavia I love her. And that this isn't her fault. Or yours." She brushed her hand through Bell's hair, then as Jaha stepped forward, she nodded and backed away from Bellamy. "I love you," she said again, and kept backing up, her gaze on Bellamy's face, until she was standing in the airlock.
Bellamy's shoulders moved like he was fighting back a sob, but he didn't turn away as Lieutenant Shumway looked to the chancellor. "Sir?" Shumway said.
Jaha nodded, and Shumway hit the button.
Jackson took a sharp breath as Aurora was sucked into space, and for a long moment, he just stared out into the void. But then he managed to drag his gaze away to look at Bellamy, whose expression was stricken.
Jackson stepped out from behind Kane and walked over to him. He stopped just behind his shoulder and pressed his hand to the small of Bellamy's back. He was well aware everyone was looking at Bellamy now, and Jackson wanted Bell to know he was there if he needed to turn and collapse into his arms, while also giving Bellamy the room to try to keep up the strong exterior as much as he could while they were in public.
He felt Bellamy trembling, but Bell turned slowly, a muscle jumping in his jaw. Jackson saw the burning rage in the look Bellamy gave Jaha, but as soon as Bellamy's gaze met Jackson's, the expression melted into grief and need. Bellamy held his gaze for a moment, then said softly, "Let's go home."
Jackson nodded slowly at him. "Yeah," he said quietly. He glanced around the room as Bellamy started walking. How did everyone here look so fucking calm? Especially Jaha. Jackson shook his head, feeling mildly sick, then followed Bellamy, pressing his hand to his back again.
He could feel Bellamy's uneven breathing, but he knew from Bell's posture that he was trying to get as far away as possible before he lost his grip on his emotions. Bellamy managed it for a few minutes, but they were barely half of the way back to Jackson's quarters before he felt Bellamy shuddering in a way that suggested he was about to lose control.
"Breathe," Jackson said gently, sliding his arm around Bellamy's waist and holding him close. "We can make it. Follow my breathing. Focus on that," he said, starting to draw in long, slow breaths and letting them out.
Bellamy nodded without looking at him, but Jackson felt Bellamy trying to match his breathing. "Get me home, J," he murmured. When Jackson glanced at his face, he saw Bellamy had his eyes closed.
"I've got you," Jackson said. He continued to try to breathe through it with Bell, but he picked up their pace. A few people caught his gaze in the hall, but he shot them looks that clearly said now was not the time to approach him, and eventually he was unlocking the door to his rooms and guiding Bellamy inside.
As soon as the door was shut behind them, Bell let out a noise like he'd been kicked in the stomach, and then he was slumping against Jackson. "Oh, God," he managed. "J. J."
Jackson fumbled his hand behind him to lock the door, then wrapped his arms around Bellamy tightly. "It's okay," he murmured. "I'm here. Just you and me now."
Bellamy took a few breaths that made Jackson worry he was about to hyperventilate and get lightheaded on him again, and then Bellamy wrapped his arms around him, fisting his fingers in Jackson's clothes and burying his face against Jackson's shoulder. He let out a couple of broken noises and then whispered, "Bed."
"Whatever you need," Jackson said, and guided them over to the bed, letting Bellamy cling to him as he stroked his hair.
"They jus--" Bellamy blurted, then sucked in a breath. "Just--hit that--Oh, God." He was obviously trying to catch his breath, but he must have given up on that attempt, because Bellamy pulled Jackson down with him, tugging at his clothes. "Fuck me until I forget," he begged.
"Oh, God," Jackson panted. That was really the last thing he'd been expecting Bellamy to say. He let Bellamy struggle his shirt off, and leaned down to kiss Bellamy. He kept the kiss soft, though. "You're not thinking straight," he said.
"What else will help?" Bellamy demanded. "I need to forget. Just for now. Please."
Jackson's chest was aching, even as Bellamy's hands roamed his bare chest. He had said he would do whatever Bellamy needed. But God, Bellamy's mother had just been floated. What if fucking Bellamy wasn't enough for him to forget? What if he broke down during sex? What if he was miserable the whole time, and then irrationally took it out on Jackson later for 'taking advantage' of him?
"What if no matter what I do, you can't forget?" Jackson whispered, kissing Bell again and feeling slightly ashamed that his body was taking notice already.
Bellamy sobbed against Jackson's lips and then blurted, "Please make me feel something that isn't pain."
Jackson squeezed his eyes shut at the sudden stinging those words caused. "Okay," he breathed, kissing Bellamy again. "Okay. I--" love you, he almost blurted. He sucked in a sharp breath at his near slip. Why did those words suddenly want to tumble out of his mouth?
But saying them now felt… manipulative.
Jackson slid his hands up under Bellamy's shirt, pressing firmly against his skin, and started working his mouth over Bellamy's jaw.
Bellamy pressed up into his mouth, his hands clutching at Jackson's waist. "I need you," he breathed, and then one of his hands was buried in Jackson's hair.
"S'mutual," Jackson panted against Bellamy's skin. He slid his hands further up Bellamy's chest, then sat back to tug off Bellamy's shirt. "So beautiful," he murmured, leaned back down to suck at Bell's throat, scraping his teeth over it and moving lower. His fingers started working on Bellamy's pants, tugging them open. "Shoes off," he ordered, hoping Bell wasn't wearing boots and could just toe them off.
He felt Bell shift under him, and then twin thumps told him he'd obeyed. Bellamy's eyes were wet, but he was looking at Jackson with a painful combination of grief and need. "So're you," Bell said, his gaze on Jackson's.
Oh, God, should he be doing this?
Jackson kicked off his own shoes, letting them fall to the floor as well. There had been times, after Jackson's mother died, that he'd buried his feelings in sex with his boyfriend, he reminded himself. It hadn't been immediately after, but people processed things differently. Of course, Jackson had subsequently buried himself in work and destroyed that relationship too, but Jackson tried not to think of what grief-stricken Bellamy might do beyond this point.
Bellamy sucked in a couple of labored breaths, then whispered, "Can't breathe. J." His fingers were tangled in Jackson's hair, but Bellamy was suddenly gasping against Jackson's neck.
Jackson expelled a gusty breath, and pulled back to look at Bell. "We don't have to do this, Bell," he whispered, stroking his fingers through Bellamy's hair in hopes to soothe him. "It's okay," he said, willing his body to stop racing. "It's okay."
But Bellamy was already shaking his head. "I need to--not think--" he panted, holding Jackson's gaze. "Please."
"God, Bellamy, you're…" Jackson breathed. "How can I fuck you like this?"
He felt Bellamy's body shuddering against his as Bell's sobs escaped. "But I need--" Bellamy managed. Then there was a long pause before he let another sob escape. "I can't..."
Bellamy's fingers were tangled in his hair, his body pressing up against Jackson's, but his physical actions didn't seem to match up with his emotional state.
Jackson sagged down against Bellamy a little, kissing him softly and telling his body to slow down. "You can't what?"
"I just--" Bell broke off, breathing hard. "I just can't--" He was still clutching at Jackson, but his breathing had gone ragged in a way that was entirely emotional. "I can't--Oh, God, I can't." Bellamy sobbed against Jackson's neck, clinging to him.
Jackson expelled a breath, wishing Bellamy wasn't hurting so much. It was like Jackson could feel Bellamy's pain in his own body. Jackson slid off Bellamy to his side and pulled Bellamy against him tightly. "I know," he whispered, though he still wasn't sure what Bellamy was trying to say. "It's okay. Let it out."
"I can't understand," Bell gasped against his neck between sobs. "How could they-- How can she be--" It was like he had too many thoughts racing through his head to even complete one. "M'sorry."
"Don't apologize to me," Jackson said firmly, stroking his hands over Bell's hair and back.
Bellamy clutched at him and quit trying to speak. He just sobbed for a long time, as Jackson stroked his back. Finally the initial storm of grief seemed to pass and Bellamy's breathing began slowing again.
Jackson ducked his head to kiss the top of Bellamy's head. "Thank you," he murmured. "For letting me be there for you this morning."
Bellamy sucked in a deep breath and sighed. "Thank you for offering," he croaked. He cleared his throat. "I'm glad you got to hear what she said about you."
Jackson nodded. "She told you to tell me everything," he whispered. "Can you tell me now?" He tightened his arms around Bellamy. "I can wait if you need to."
Bellamy took a few more breaths. "You know all the broad strokes now," he said. "I never knew my dad or O's. Mom never said why she wanted another baby. I always..." He sighed. "Always felt like I wasn't enough for her."
"That can't be true," Jackson said gently. His suspicion was that Aurora had become accidentally pregnant, and then chose not to terminate the pregnancy. Jackson couldn't quite understand that decision, but he decided Bellamy probably didn't want to listen to him speculate.
"Oh, I knew it probably wasn't true," Bell sighed again. "But it still felt that way." He paused. "Mom needed me in the guard to make sure Octavia was safe. I never knew if I really wanted the guard for myself or for her."
Jackson swallowed hard. "And… now? What did Shumway say?"
Bellamy went still for a moment. "God. Can you believe I'd forgotten I lost my job along with everything else?" He sighed. "The guard needs 'men of integrity,' not a guy who'd lie to save someone he loved."
Jackson rolled his eyes. "'Men of integrity', my ass," he muttered. Although, a glimmer of hope pushed up into Jackson's chest. If Bellamy wasn't in the guard, maybe Allard and his buddies wouldn't feel the need to attack Bell now. "Maybe… maybe that just means now you can pursue something you know is for you, not your family."
Bellamy sighed. "Maybe. I... I don't even know what I would want. I don't want to think right now."
"Okay," Jackson murmured. He tucked his fingers under Bellamy's chin and guided Bellamy's face up for a long, slow kiss.
He felt Bellamy melt into the kiss, his whole body relaxing against him.
Oh, it felt good that he could do that, Jackson thought, that he was capable of getting Bellamy to relax even now. He traced absent shapes down Bellamy's spine with his fingertips as they continued kissing.
"What would I do without you?" Bell whispered. He cupped Jackson's cheek.
Jackson gave him a small, slightly sad smile. "I don't know," he admitted. Bellamy's mother had clearly wanted Bell to keep his distance from people. If Jackson wasn't here, what would Bellamy have done with his mother floated and sister locked up?
Bellamy lifted his head for a lingering kiss, then settled down again, pressing his face against Jackson's neck. "M'so exhausted," he mumbled. "Shouldn't be so exhausted."
"Yes, you should," Jackson murmured. He didn't need to go into just how much emotional exhaustion could affect you physically, though. He stroked his fingers through Bellamy's hair. "Sleep. I'll be here."
Chapter Nine
