Love Under Duress, Bellamy/Jasper (The 100), PG-13

[severity-softly.livejournal.com]

Title: Love Under Duress
Authors: innerslytherin & severity_softly
Fandom: The 100
Pairing: Bellamy/Jasper
Rating: PG-13 (drug and alcohol use, potentially triggering subject matter--see notes)
WC: ~11,000
Notes: Modern AU set immediately after the Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando on 6/12/2016. Please do not read if discussion of the tragedy that occurred may trigger you. Some details about the shooting are incorrect in this fic based on what we know now, but that was how they were first reported, so that is what our characters know. We are not trying to exploit the tragedy in any way. We wrote this mostly to help us cope with our own feelings following what happened, as a queer person and a straight aro ally. As a result, this fic sets a much slower pace than our usual fare. We hope, by publishing this, it will help others cope too.

Summary: Jasper wakes up the morning after the Pulse Nightclub shooting to read the awful news. He and Bellamy try to help each other cope and heal.

It was late in the morning, maybe early afternoon when Jasper rolled over in bed, finally waking up to realize Bellamy was already up. He'd convinced Bell to go to The Rainbow Club with him and some other friends the night before, even though Bellamy wasn't really the club type (he usually only went when it was someone's birthday), and Jasper felt groggy and hungover. He scrolled through Facebook on his phone. There were updates on the recent, horrible Stanford rape case, weird memes, and another mass shooting.

The headlines proclaimed the largest mass shooting in US history, so Jasper clicked one of the links. It wasn't long before there were tears in his eyes. The largest mass shooting in US history, and the headlines didn't even mention it, was a hate crime against LGBT people.

Jasper broke down and sobbed uselessly into his pillow for a few minutes, then padded out to the living room of the apartment he shared with Bellamy, tears in his eyes.

Bell was in the kitchen making omelets, which wasn't really surprising--Jasper was the night owl, Bellamy the morning person. When Jasper walked from the living room to the kitchen, Bellamy turned and smiled at him.

"Hey," he said, his expression warm. Then his smile faded. "Hey," he said again, moving automatically to touch Jasper. "What's wrong?"

Jasper drew in a couple shallow breaths, then collapsed against Bellamy's shoulder. "You haven't seen the news," he muttered.

"No, I was gonna--" Bellamy broke off, wrapping his arms around Jasper. "Doesn't matter," he said. "What happened? What's wrong?" He held Jasper tightly.

Jasper wrapped his arms around Bellamy. "Well, just another day in the USA. Mass shooting. Biggest in our history, though, apparently. Fifty dead." He barely controlled a sob. "At a gay club. Like the one I dragged you to last night. Like…"

After a moment, Bellamy's arms tightened around him. "Jasper," he breathed. He pressed his cheek against Jasper's, his breathing uneven in Jasper's ear. "Where?"

"Florida," Jasper gasped. What did it matter where, though? Shootings were happening everyday, everywhere. And now they were targeting people like him. Couples like him and Bellamy. Just because they were in love.

He felt Bellamy exhale against his hair. But instead of saying anything, Bellamy stroked his hand over Jasper's hair. Jasper heard Bellamy take a couple of uneven breaths. After a while, Bellamy whispered, "Why?"

Jasper barely controlled another sob. "Because…" He hiccupped, then tried to swallow it. He couldn't get so upset he couldn't breathe. "The shooter's father said he got pissed off seeing two men kiss a couple months ago."

Bellamy was silent for a moment, then he breathed, "God." Jasper could feel Bell struggling for words, for breath. Then Bell whispered, "I'm so damn tired, Jas."

Those words made Jasper lose his fight with being too emotional, and he sobbed openly this time, pressing his face to Bellamy's neck. "That--- that could have been us last night," he managed, barely. "It could have been Nate and Bryan. It could have been Clarke and Niylah, or Lexa and Costia... Or… all of us at fucking once," he said, his shoulders shuddering as he lost control.

He felt Bellamy's arms tighten around him, and Bell's fingers stroked through his hair. But Bellamy didn't say anything. Jasper felt Bellamy suck in a breath, then exhale more slowly. Bellamy made a noise, one that sounded like a cut-off word, but then his arms tightened around Jasper. "Why?" he whispered, and his tone told Jasper that Bellamy knew why, but couldn't accept it.

"Because," Jasper said, clutching at Bellamy's back. "Because," he murmured. He pressed a kiss to Bellamy's neck, nuzzling closer. "Because we'll never be fully human."

"No." Bellamy's arms tightened around him. "No. I reject that." His words were strong, but his tone... His tone made Jasper's throat tighten. It was the tone Bell used when he thought he was fighting a losing battle.

Jasper made a sound that could only be described as a whimper, and melted against Bellamy some more. He wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, but when Jasper's phone buzzed in his pajama pocket, Jasper jumped.

He fumbled the phone out to see a text from Monty. Just saw the news. Coming over. Jasper was halfway replying that Monty didn't need to when Monty sent, Don't bother telling me no. I'm on my way. With some sticky.

Jasper snorted, then shoved his phone back in his pocket and rested against Bellamy again.

Bell sighed. "What?" he asked, his fingers brushing through Jasper's hair.

"Monty is on his way," Jasper said. "Um. With medicine."

He knew Bellamy wasn't fond of Jasper smoking while he was home, but Bell just said, "At least there's one straight guy in the world who doesn't feel threatened." He took a couple of deep breaths. "I need more information, Jas, but..." He broke off. "Can I see your phone?"

"Mmn," Jasper hummed, then handed Bellamy the phone and started tending to the omelets on the stove. Before Bellamy had much time to evaluate the news, Jasper said, "Hm, plates, please, these are overcooking."

"Shit," Bellamy said, jumping to grab plates and stick them in front of Jasper. "Sorry." He was obviously distracted though as Jasper dished their breakfast onto plates. Bellamy was still staring at the phone as Jasper set a plate in front of him as they settled at the table.

"Fifty people?" Bell said, his voice cracking. "How--I--I mean--How?"

"AR-15s?" Jasper said, "And homophobia." He unhappily shoved eggs into his mouth.

"Not what I meant," Bellamy muttered. He dropped into a chair across from Jasper. "I just-- I mean..." He shook his head. "Your average criminal, I get how he thinks. I know he has to make ends meet, and that he turns to crime as a last resort. Or maybe it's easier than getting a job. But..." He took another deep breath. "Hating someone so much you want to destroy that person..."

After several heartbeats, Bellamy said softly, "No."

"Hating someone so much you want to destroy fifty people like them, and injure even more," Jasper said. He had gone for a sarcastic tone, but just choked on his words as he stuffed more omelet into his mouth.

Bellamy just shook his head. "Just wait, we'll find out this guy has a history of violence and somehow still legally obtained his guns." His voice was bitter.

Jasper's stomach turned a little and he stared at his omelet, not feeling hungry. Maybe Bell would let him get away with eating after Monty arrived with weed. Not that he didn't have his own, he just didn't smoke as often when Bellamy was actually home. Bell looked the other way and didn't care, but his job as a cop required drug testing, unlike Jasper's job "blowing shit up" on theatre stages. Or, as his technical title put it, special effects coordinating.

"Wouldn't be surprising," Jasper muttered. "M'not that hungry right now. I'm sorry."

Bellamy was frowning at his plate. "I'm not really, either," he said. He poked at his omelet for a minute, then took another bite, looking unhappy. "Fifty people," he murmured.

Fresh tears welled up in Jasper's eyes, and he got up from the table with his plate. "I'll eat later," he muttered, wiping his face when blinking sent those tears rolling down it.

He covered his plate with foil and put it in the fridge, then walked back to Bellamy. He wrapped his arms around Bellamy from behind and pressed his face to Bellamy's neck. "What part of Florida are Nate and Bryan in again?"

"Plant City," Bellamy said. "Closer to Tampa than Orlando, thank God." He lifted a hand to stroke Jasper's hair and sighed. "Let's go sit on the couch."

Jasper nodded and pressed a kiss to Bellamy's neck. "You want that?" he asked, and felt Bellamy shake his head, so he took Bellamy's plate to the fridge for Bellamy and met him on the couch.

He pulled out his phone and sent a group text to Nate, Bryan, Clarke, Lexa, Niylah, Costia, and a few of his lgbtq friends from the theatre. We love you. Then he snuggled against Bellamy. "I keep going back and forth between being heartbroken and not feeling like it's real," he admitted.

"I keep going back and forth between being heartbroken and being pissed off," Bellamy said. He wrapped his arms tightly around Jasper and kissed his hair.

Jasper made an appreciative noise. "I'll probably get pissed off at some point," he murmured, returning the embrace. He tilted his head up for a kiss, but his eyes prickled when Bellamy kissed him. "I love you," he said, voice breaking. "So much."

"I love you too," Bell whispered. He rested his forehead lightly against Jasper's and exhaled slowly. "How could we have come so far and still have so far to go? How can there still be so many people who hate us just because of who we love? I...I mean, I can talk about the profile of a mass shooter, but I can't ever really understand."

Jasper huffed a breath. "We have a fascist running for president and winning his party. Clearly, there is a lot of hate in this country." He let a couple of tears roll down his cheeks. "Bell, what if that had been us? Or our friends? I got you to come out with us last night, and what if…" He choked on the words.

Bellamy kissed him again and pressed his face against Jasper's neck. "If it had been us, we would have been together," he murmured.

Jasper huffed again. "No, we wouldn't have." He leaned his cheek to Bellamy's hair. "You always carry. You would have shoved me in a corner and then tried to be a hero."

He felt Bellamy sigh, but he didn't contradict Jasper's words. "I would absolutely have made sure you were safe," he said after a moment.

Jasper's throat tightened. "Wouldn't do me any good if you got killed."

Bellamy pulled him a little closer. "Jas..." He trailed off, but Jasper knew what he was going to say. This is the job I do. Or maybe This is who I am. Or maybe, That's one of the risks we both have to accept. They'd had the conversation dozens of times.

"I know. But…" Jasper drew a shaky breath. "But you wouldn't have been there last night if it wasn't for me."

"I..." Bell shook his head. "It wasn't us, okay? We're fine." His fingers stroked through Jasper's hair.

"I know," Jasper whispered. "God. All those people." He was close to tears again, but then the deadbolt slid open and he jumped a little, having forgotten Monty was coming over.

Bellamy chuckled softly when Jasper jumped, then looked surprised at himself and shook his head. When Monty pushed the door open, Bell said, "Hey."

"Hey," Monty said, coming into the room. "I'd ask how you are, but his face says it all," he added, gesturing at Jasper as he came over to hug him.

Monty huffed a laugh as Jasper pulled him down to the couch. "This is unfair. I don't even feel up to telling you to shut up."

Bellamy sighed. Normally he laughed at Jasper and Monty's banter, but he just looked grave. "Want coffee or anything, Monty?" he asked, starting to get up.

"No, I'm good," Monty said. "Can I steal him away to the balcony for a few minutes?" They couldn't risk Bellamy failing a drug test from second-hand contact, and their balcony had just enough privacy to vape on.

Jasper could almost feel Bellamy resisting the urge to roll his eyes, but Bellamy just waved a hand. "It's fine. He'll feel better."

Monty started to haul Jasper off the couch, but Jasper hesitated once on his feet. He'll feel better. But what about how Bellamy felt? Maybe Bellamy needed Jasper sober.

"I'll meet you out there," he told Monty. Monty darted a glance at Bellamy, then left. Jasper plopped back down next to Bellamy and stroked his hair. "I can… not... if you need me not to," he murmured. He got the feeling Bellamy was more angry right now than sad. It was a shame Bellamy couldn't just join them.

Bell straightened a little and then leaned in to kiss him. "No," he said. "No, Jas, you know I don't... It's fine." He cupped Jasper's cheek, holding his gaze. "I want you to feel better. I'll feel better if you feel better."

Jasper's lips curved into a small, sad smile. "If you weren't such a square, I'd remind you day drinking is acceptable on a Sunday." He kissed Bellamy again. "I love you. More than anything."

"If you weren't such a stoner, you wouldn't know 'day drinking' is a thing," Bellamy said, a little spark of humor coming into his eyes for a second. He leaned in and brushed his lips against Jasper, barely a kiss, but sharing the same breath. "I love you more than anything too," he whispered back. "Now go on, don't let Monty smoke it all."

"Mm," Jasper said, holding Bellamy's gaze for a moment. Sometimes he still wasn't sure how the hell they'd ever wound up a couple, with all their differences, but they just worked. Jasper tried to push down a swell of emotion that there were people out there who would want, and feel justified in wanting, to take this from them.

He pecked Bellamy's lips one more time, then went to meet Monty on the Balcony.

Monty was leaning on the balcony, his back to the door. When he heard the door slide open, he looked over his shoulder. "He okay?" he asked, his brows drawn together.

Jasper sighed. "No," he said, and collapsed into one of the patio chairs. "I can't stop tearing up or crying, and he hasn't… at all. Yet." He shrugged. Bellamy wasn't really ashamed of being emotional normally, which lead Jasper to think the pissed off part of Bellamy was winning over the heartbroken part. He reached for the vaporizer in Monty's hand.

"Well... Everybody deals with this stuff differently," Monty said, handing it over. "Has he heard from Nate and Bryan? I can't remember how close they live to Orlando."

"They're near Tampa," Jasper said, taking a long drag. "I, uh…" He pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the messages. He hadn't taken his phone off silent since they were heading to the club last night. He sniffled at the thought, his eyes watering, so he took another drag. "I texted everyone. Bryan replied, and so did Clarke and Niylah."

Monty nodded. After a minute he leaned over and wrapped his arms around Jasper. "God, I'm so glad you're safe," he mumbled against Jasper's shoulder.

That made Jasper's resolve not to cry again crumble, and he sobbed against Monty's shoulder, wrapping Monty in his arms. "I'm-- I'm--" He couldn't even find the words. "God, it feels selfish to think about myself, but I can't stop thinking about… what if it had been us last night?"

He heard Monty sniff. "That's why they do it," he whispered. "Why he did it. To make you afraid." He shifted a little. "It wasn't you. It's awful, and maybe I'm selfish to be glad it wasn't you, but I am."

Jasper sniffled again, but a warm haze was just barely starting to form in his mind, and it suddenly felt weird to be crying. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "It must suck to be the straight friend, trademark, today." He took another drag.

"It doesn't suck," Monty said. He pulled back and sat in the other patio chair, looking at Jasper in concern. "I don't have any right to feel like it sucks. And you don't owe me any apologies."

Jasper huffed a small laugh. "Mm, maybe not," he said, holding the vape pen out to Monty.

Monty snorted and took it. "That helping?" he asked, his tone making it clear he knew it was. He took a drag and offered it back.

Jasper took it and took a hit. He hummed. "My new grow juice seems to be pretty effective," he commented. He turned his head to look at Monty, holding the vape pen out. "I love you."

"I know. Love you too." Monty took it and had another hit. "And Bellamy. Even if he won't smoke with us."

Jasper snorted, and then started laughing. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew he had no right to, but he was starting to feel pretty relaxed. "When he retires. We'll get him then," he said, giving Monty a conspiratorial look.

Monty snickered, then sobered. "You planning on keeping him that long?" he asked, his eyes widening a little.

Jasper laughed again. "That is a long time," he admitted. It was so long, it was hard to imagine, and Jasper and Bell hadn't even been living together that long. But Jasper couldn't imagine not being with Bellamy forever. He gestured at the vape pen. "You think I'd casually date a cop?"

Monty snorted and started laughing. "Okay, good point." He took another drag and handed it back to Jasper. "Shit," he said, and sighed. "If that happened here, he'd be part of the team they called, wouldn't he?"

Jasper took another hit. He should probably slow down soon. Or stop. "Probably," he said.

Monty shook his head. "Seriously, dude, how the hell did you end up falling for a cop?" He started chuckling, since it was a conversation they had a lot when they were out here.

Jasper hummed an amused noise. "Well, he does this thing with his tongue," he said, and when Monty made a face, Jasper burst out laughing.

"Some details I don't need," Monty said, but he was laughing, too. "This is definitely better than when I got here," he said after a minute.

"Yeah," Jasper said. "Thanks for coming over so fast."

"You're my best friend, dude. Of course I was coming over." Monty stretched his legs out and tilted his head back, staring up at the sky. They were quiet for a while, and after a while Jasper's phone buzzed at him.

It was a text from Octavia. Bell's not answering phone. You guys okay? Jasper tapped out a response and looked at Monty.

"What?" Monty said. "Need to go back in?"

"Yeah," he said. "Bell's not answering O. I bet he left his phone in the bedroom again. He didn't have it when I found him in the kitchen when I got up." He sighed and got up.

Monty followed him back to the living room, where Bellamy flipped off the TV as soon as they entered the room. Jasper caught that he was watching the news, though. Jasper climbed onto the couch and kissed Bellamy's jaw. "You know the first reports on anything like this are usually full of misinformation," he said. "O's been trying to get you on the phone."

"Doesn't mean I can't watch 'em," Bellamy muttered. He wrapped his arm around Jasper and rested his head on Jasper's shoulder. "Forgot to plug my phone in when we got home last night, so it was dead when I woke up. I left it charging." He slumped against Jasper, but he didn't feel relaxed to Jasper. He just felt exhausted.

Jasper snuggled closer. He wanted to kiss Bellamy, but he settled for stroking Bellamy's hair.

"Should go," Monty said.

"No driving for you right now," Jasper muttered, "Take the second bedroom if you wanna get away from us." Monty sighed, but nodded and went down the hall. Jasper kissed Bellamy's hair. "I love you. You should go call her."

"What's she going to say?" Bell's voice had an edge to it. "She's sorry this happened? How awful it is? All the same old shit we said after movie theaters and churches and God damn elementary schools?" He didn't lift his head. "Why bother?"

Jasper sucked in a slow breath, suddenly wishing he'd stayed sober, even if Bellamy had told him it was fine. "Because she loves you," he said. "And that's still important." He hoped he was saying the right thing. Bellamy's anger felt unmanageable in Jasper's current state.

Bellamy felt tense against him for a couple of heartbeats, then he exhaled shakily and relaxed a little. "Yeah, okay," he said, his voice a little hoarse.

Jasper smiled, feeling relieved. He kissed Bellamy's hair again and stroked his fingers over Bell's shoulder. He always felt more affectionate when he was high, and that was probably part of why Monty had disappeared into the second bedroom.

After a moment he shifted away just enough to get Bellamy to lift his head, then ducked in for a slow kiss. "Go call her," he murmured, "Then come back and tell me what I can do to help you."

Bellamy's hand lifted to cup Jasper's cheek, then Bell stood. He opened his mouth, then shook his head. "I'll be back in a minute," he said, and headed down the hallway. After a couple of moments, Jasper could hear him talking. Eventually he wandered back out to the living room, still talking, and climbed onto the sofa, resting his head in Jasper's lap.

"Doesn't matter," he muttered. "Nothing changes. We let children die at Sandy Hook and didn't change the laws. No one's going to give a fuck about the gays, O." He sounded bitter, but his voice was thick, like he was fighting tears.

Jasper offered Bell a small, sad smile and stroked his fingers through his hair. He felt much better than he had before vaping, but he wasn't happy, necessarily. Not with Bellamy so unhappy. He slid his other hand over Bellamy's chest to rest over his heart, and tilted his head back against the couch, closing his eyes.

Bellamy huffed as he listened to Octavia. "I'll believe that when I see it," he said. Then he cleared his throat. "I'm sorry. I know--I know you do. I love you, too. I shouldn't vent at you."

He was silent for a while except for his slightly uneven breathing. Then he said, "No, it's fine. Jas' got me." He huffed a shaky laugh. "I know. I love you, O."

When he ended the call, he lifted a hand and pinched the bridge of his nose, taking deep breaths. Jasper looked down at him, his fingers still stroking Bellamy's hair. "You lied," he whispered, smiling faintly. "You said you'd feel better if I did."

Bellamy exhaled. "You feeling better makes me feel better than I could," he mumbled. He let his hand fall from his face, and Jasper could see his eyes were damp. "I love you, Jas."


Jasper gently wiped away some of the wetness. "What can I do?" he said. He was pretty sure offering a blow job right now wasn't the right fix, but the idea was floating in his head.

Bellamy just shook his head. "This is all," he said. "Just...I just..." He sighed. "O says people are lining up around the block at all the blood centers in Orlando."

Jasper's smile strengthened a little. "Good," he said, stroking his fingertips over Bellamy's chest to try to get the attention of Bellamy's body. "People care."

"Yeah," Bell mumbled. He covered Jasper's hand with his. "But why couldn't they have cared before this?"

Jasper sighed when he noticed Bellamy's hand had his trapped. "Some people did," he said. He took a deep breath, and brushed his fingers against Bell as much as he could. "Let me make you feel good."

Bell's fingers curled around his and he lifted his gaze to Jasper's face. "Really not in the mood, Jas," he said, his tone flat. His gaze was warm, though. "Just stay here with me."

Jasper sighed again, but then his lips quirked up and he laughed a little about what he was going to say. When Bellamy gave him a curious look, Jasper said it before he could forget what he was laughing about. "Can we at least make out a little?" he teased.

Bellamy's lips thinned. He took a breath, then closed his eyes. "I know this is how you deal with stuff," he said softly. "It isn't how I deal with stuff."

Jasper held another sigh. "I was kidding that time," he muttered, then dropped his head back to the sofa again, absently stroking Bellamy's hair.

"Sorry," Bell said. He shifted on the sofa, then sat up abruptly and scooted closer to Jasper, wrapping his arms around him awkwardly. It wasn't entirely comfortable, but Bell pressed his face against Jasper's shoulder. "God, I can't--" he blurted. "I can't imagine--there are people who never get to bicker with each other again."

He choked on the last word.

In spite of the emotion in Bellamy's voice, the statement caught Jasper off guard, and he laughed softly, even as he shifted to a more comfortable position to wrap his arm around Bellamy. "I plan to be around to bicker with you for a long time," he said, kissing the top of Bellamy's head.

Bellamy sniffed hard. "You better be." He sighed. "Ugh. Today I wish I could deal with shit like you do. I just want to be...not awake."

"I'll be plenty 'awake' in a couple hours," Jasper said. He kissed the top of Bellamy's head again and squeezed him closer. "You wanna try going back to bed? I'll do my best not to be too handsy," he said, his smile crooked. He usually couldn't sleep high, but he didn't mind snuggling more horizontally.

"I don't think I could sleep or anything," Bell said. "I just...Ugh. I just need an off switch for my brain." He sucked in a long breath. "That's not illegal," he added, pulling back a little to give Jasper a tiny, rueful smile.

Jasper grinned faintly. "You didn't seem to like my day drinking suggestion, or my other offer, so I'm not sure what to tell you." He kissed Bellamy softly. "And hey, my brain isn't off, it's just… nicer to live with at the moment."

"Yeah, well, it's starting to be more tempting." Bellamy pulled out his phone and started scrolling through Facebook. "I can't stop wanting information. But then when I get it, it pisses me off. And people's commentary on it pisses me off. And..." He scowled.

Japser pressed his lips together, and took Bellamy's phone. "Let's watch a movie. Any movie. You pick."

Bellamy frowned, but didn't try to get the phone back. "I don't even know what to pick." He slumped back against the sofa. "I don't know if either of us could stand my usual stuff, after this, but there's no way I can watch a funny movie."

After a moment he said, "Fine, put in Fellowship of the Ring, I guess. That's..." He shrugged. "At least it's about hope."

Jasper handed back the phone, then set up the TV for the movie. He went down the hall when it was ready and poked his head into the spare bedroom. "We're watching Fellowship of the Ring, if you want to come out from hiding."

Monty grunted, then sat up from where he'd been sprawled out on the bed. "Will there be food?"

"Dude, you know you can eat anything you want," he said, suddenly remembering he was starving too. He wondered if Bell could finish his omelet now.

"Yeah, I just like it better when Bellamy cooks," Monty said, straight-faced.

Jasper snorted. "You want my leftover omelet from this morning? I doubt he's in the mood to cook right now." He was willing to eat Cheetos and give Monty the omelet.

Monty shrugged. "I just didn't know if you guys'd had lunch yet. Or breakfast. Whatever." He followed Jasper out to the living room, where Bellamy was still sprawled on the sofa. Then Jasper looked again. Oh, not still sprawled. Sprawled again. With the bottle of whiskey by his feet and a glass in his hand.

"Let's order a pizza," he told Monty. "Wanna beer?" he said, and Monty nodded as he settled on the opposite end of the couch from Bellamy.

Jasper looked at Bell. "Did you eat before I got up or… is that on an empty stomach?" He gestured at Bellamy's glass.

Bellamy shrugged. "I had a few bites of the omelet," he said. He rubbed his eyes. "I just poured this."

Jasper nodded, then went into the kitchen. He grabbed two beers, and warmed up Bellamy's omelet, then headed back to the couch. He handed the plate and fork to Bellamy, the second beer to Monty, then settled between his boyfriend and best friend and pressed play on the movie.

He'd seen it so many times, he ordered pizza through an app on his phone during the first few minutes of the movie, then settled against Bellamy's shoulder.

Bellamy didn't seem enthusiastic about eating his omelet, but he did. When the pizza arrived, Bell paused the movie, but Jasper waved a dismissal. "Go on," he told him, and got them plates and napkins before sitting back down.

He knew Bellamy would probably get emotional about Boromir dying--Boromir and Faramir were Bellamy's clear favorites in the movies--but he was surprised to hear a suspicious sniff from him when Gandalf fell in the Mines of Moria. Bell coughed and poured himself another glass of whiskey, but now Jasper was thinking about it.

His high had been wearing off steadily, and he had only had one beer. Gandalf's sacrifice made his chest ache worse now than it usually did, and Pippin--Jasper's favorite character--Pippin's grief… Jasper sucked in a few shaking breaths, and then covered his face with his hand and started crying. It was ridiculous, but he couldn't help but think that over the next few days, they would start hearing stories of people in Orlando sacrificing for each other, and stories of those left behind to grieve.

He heard Bellamy swear, and then the thunk of an empty glass on the side table. Bellamy's arms wrapped around him. Bell sniffled and whispered, "I know," even though Jasper hadn't said anything. "I know."

"M'sorry," Jasper managed, then turned so he could muffle the sob that escaped him against Bellamy's shoulder. He felt Monty's hand on his back, making it known he was there without interfering.

Bellamy's arm tightened around him, other hand stroking through Jasper's hair. "Don't apologize," he whispered, his voice choked. Bellamy's breathing was unsteady as he held Jasper.

"God," Jasper choked out, his fingers finding Bellamy's hair, but there was nothing else to say. This wasn't about Gandalf, and Bellamy clearly knew it. Monty surely did, for that matter. Jasper just wept against Bellamy, losing his breath a little. He wanted to get high again, but… he couldn't get high all day every day until this was out of the news and he somehow forgot it.

"I know," Bell managed. Jasper could feel Bell shaking as he evidently lost his grip on his own emotions. After a while, Monty leaned against Jasper's back, wrapping his arms around both of them.

That just made Jasper cry harder. God, he was lucky. He was lucky the shooter hadn't come to their club. He was lucky to have straight friends like Monty. Why was he so lucky when others were dead?

By the time he started to get his breathing under control, he'd given himself the hiccups.

Monty started patting him on the back. Bellamy sounded like he was done with his own tears, but then a fresh sob slipped out. He caught himself again, but Jasper wasn't sure if he was really finished.

"Love you guys," Monty whispered. "I know it doesn't help."

"It does," Bell rasped, choking back another sob.

"We're lucky to ha--ave you," Jasper said, hiccuping mid-sentence. He tightened his hold on Bellamy, stroking his hand through his hair. "I know, Be--ell," he whispered. He wouldn't shush Bellamy or tell him it was okay. It wasn't okay, and Bellamy should let it out.

"Th'sucks," Bellamy mumbled. He took a long breath and let it out, the air shuddering out of him. "It's so--so hateful."

"Yeah," Jasper agreed. "So--ome people… they just…" He trailed off, because he didn't know how to describe the sort of people who could do something like this. He wouldn't blame mental illness, as so many people jumped to. It ran in his family and he knew the mentally ill were more often victims of violence rather than perpetrators of it. He hiccupped again. "I don't know," he said finally, and then sucked in a large breath and held it to try to stop the hiccups.

"It's hate," Bellamy spat. "Simple as that." He sucked in a breath. "They'll talk about mental illness or skin color or religion, but what it boils down to is hate." After a moment he sighed and shifted back a little. His eyes were red.

Jasper nodded, still holding his breath through the next couple of hiccups. He rested his head on Bellamy's shoulder, and let out an explosive breath. "Yeah," he breathed, reaching back for Monty's hand.

Monty squeezed his hand but didn't say anything. What was there really to say, Jasper thought. They were just repeating themselves anyway.

Bell cleared his throat and let out another sigh. "At least we've got people like Monty," he said, looking past Jasper, his lips curving up the tiniest bit. "It means a lot."

He heard Monty huff a breath. "I don't need praise for being a decent person," he said, then settled against Jasper's other shoulder.

Jasper squeezed his hand again, and stared blankly at the TV. Bellamy and Monty must have decided to stop repeating themselves too, because they went silent as well. They all watched the rest of the movie, or at least stared in the direction of the TV until it was over anyway, with Jasper occasionally taking sips of Bellamy's whiskey. He was kind of a lightweight when it came to straight hard liquor, though, so he stopped stealing sips when his face started to feel warm.

When the movie was over, he gave Monty an only slightly unsteady hug as he left, then started to clean up, balancing the dirty dishes on the pizza box and heading to the kitchen.

He was half afraid he would hear Bellamy click on the television, but to his relief, Bell came into the kitchen a few moments behind him. He put the bottle of whiskey on the counter, instead of putting it away, but he didn't pour another glass. He started unloading the clean dishes from the dishwasher so Jasper could put their dirty plates in it.

"I love you," Bellamy murmured after a while. "I kind of feel like I need to tell you that every few minutes right now."

"I love you too," Jasper said, watching him or a moment. He circled his hand around Bellamy's wrist when he went to grab the next plate and pulled him close for a kiss. "I kind of feel like I need to touch you and kiss you every few minutes right now," he admitted.

Bellamy kissed him again, stroking his fingertips against Jasper's cheeks. "I'm okay with that," he said, smiling sadly at Jasper.

"It's like… I need to know--to feel this is real," Jasper whispered. "And safe."

"This is real," Bell said, pulling him close. "We're safe." He brushed his lips against Jasper's ear. "I love you."

Jasper wrapped his arms around Bellamy's shoulders, his fingertips playing in Bellamy's hair. "I love you too."


***


The local UCC where Bell sometimes went to church had a prayer vigil for the Orlando shooting victims Sunday night, and Bell had tried to get Jasper to go, but Jasper couldn't make himself do it. Bellamy knew he could go with their friends, but he wouldn't want to go without Jasper, and he thought maybe Jasper needed Bellamy more than the vigil-goers did, so he stayed home.

He went to work on Monday with a pounding headache and a vague sense of dread, since he was the only openly gay guy on the force, as far as he knew. But his coworkers were overwhelmingly supportive, and even if there were obviously some people who were just being polite, he would take it.

The first couple days after the shooting, Bellamy did notice Jasper getting high more often than normal. Since they'd moved in together, Jasper had cut back on getting high when Bellamy was home, but he seemed to have at least temporarily revoked that rule. Bellamy kept his mouth shut, and even let Jasper talk him into comfort sex a couple of times, but made a mental note that they were going to need to have a serious talk about it if it continued.

The end of the week was when the production Jasper was working on had evening shows, which usually meant Jasper being out most of the afternoon, evening, and into early morning, so Bell and Jasper didn't see each other much Wednesday, Thursday or Friday until Saturday morning. Jasper dragged himself out of bed earlier than usual because there was a Saturday matinee in addition to the evening show. Yawning loudly, he started padding around the apartment in his boxers, making coffee and doing his normal routine.

Bellamy could have slept in, as he often did on Saturdays, but as soon as Jasper was out of bed, Bell got up and started making pancakes and bacon. He poured Jasper a cup of coffee and a glass of orange juice and listened for the shower to turn off before he poured the pancake batter on the griddle.

Jasper came out of the bathroom a little while later in his ridiculously fluffy purple robe, his hair wet and messy. He smiled faintly, walking over to the stove and kissing the side of Bellamy's neck. "I'm so lucky to have someone who cooks," he murmured, reaching for his coffee.

"You so are," Bellamy said, grinning at him. He turned and intercepted Jasper to steal a proper kiss, then let him have his coffee. "Mm, you're adorable," he said, ruffling his fingers through Jasper's hair.

"I know, right?" Jasper said, winking. It had taken a long time for Jasper not to roll his eyes at compliments like that, but now he seemed to enjoy them, and Bellamy always counted that as a success.

Jasper leaned in to whisper in Bellamy's ear. "I'm not wearing anything under this robe," he said, which they both already knew. He went to the table, smirking.

Bellamy snorted a laugh, amused and a little turned on, even though it wasn't a surprise. He flipped a couple of pancakes on a plate and carried it over to the table. He put it in front of Jasper and groped his ass casually before returning to the stove. "Plans for after the show tonight?" he asked, ladling out batter for a couple more pancakes.

Jasper didn't say anything right away, so Bellamy assumed he must be chewing. When Bellamy looked over, he was, but he was also frowning a little. "No, not really. I wouldn't mind more of what you just did later tonight, though, if you can wait up for me," he said, his smile returning a little. It was a bit dim, though.

This time Bellamy frowned. There was almost always a group of people going to The Rainbow Club after the show, and every Saturday Bellamy could remember, Jasper had said something to Bellamy about joining them. It had gotten to be a perfunctory invitation, since only birthdays or other special occasions could really drag Bell out of the house after ten, but Jasper always issued it.

"No one's going out?" Bell asked, and only then did he realize he'd intended to go. If nothing else, just to be with Jasper.

"Mm," Jasper hummed, chewing. He shrugged his shoulders. "I think so."

"You think they are, or they aren't?" Bellamy flipped the pancakes over and then went to lean against the kitchen table.

Jasper didn't look up. "I think they are." He shrugged again.

Bellamy brushed Jasper's hair back from his forehead. "You always go with them," he observed, his voice soft. He knew why Jasper might not want to, of course. But it still seemed strange. Jasper enjoyed it so much.

"Yeah, I know," he said, sounding like he was trying not to sound sad, and failing. "Maybe I'll like staying home with you better, though." He looked up and gave Bellamy a small smile. "I shouldn't be out late partying while you're at home."

Bellamy tilted his head, giving Jasper a knowing look, and then leaned down to kiss him. "Or maybe you'd be happier if I'd go out with you again this week," he suggested, letting one hand tease at the vee of Jasper's robe.

Jasper closed his eyes, obviously enjoying the touch. "Your pancakes are probably burning," he said softly.

Bellamy knew they were, but he didn't care. "You're changing the subject," he murmured.

"I want to stay in this week," Jasper breathed. He brushed his lips to Bellamy's, then opened his eyes to meet Bellamy's gaze, his expression clearly asking Bellamy to drop the subject.

Bellamy pulled back a little, leveling a gaze at Jasper. "You never want to stay in," he said, and cupped his hand against Jasper's cheek. "You're going to let that asshole take that, too?" His voice was gentle, but the question was pointed.

Jasper frowned, pressing his lips together. "I barely see you Wednesday through Friday as it is. Add every Saturday night, that's more than half the week. Maybe it's better for us," he said. Then he huffed and rolled his eyes. "Seriously, your pancakes," he said, and got up to go to the stove himself.

Bellamy shook his head, watching Jasper flip the pancakes off the griddle with the spatula. As if Jasper had ever cared if Bell burned something before. "Yeah, it sucks not seeing you," he admitted. "Which is why I was gonna go with you again tonight."

He didn't want to push Jasper too much, but damned if Bellamy would let some sad, self-hating homophobe take his partner's life away from him. And maybe Bell had never been much of a club kid himself, but Jasper loved the dancing and close quarters and atmosphere of love and community, and Bell wouldn't let that be taken from him.

"You don't really want to go either, Bell," Jasper dismissed, stealing a piece of bacon off Bell's plate before handing it to Bellamy. The pancakes were pretty dark, but just this side of edible.

"I want to be with you," Bellamy said, taking the plate. "And I know how much you like the dancing and stuff. And I don't..." He paused. "I don't want you to lose that. I love you. I was attracted to the way you just--just threw yourself into dancing and stuff--the first time we met. I don't want you to have that taken from you."

Jasper huffed, smiling faintly at the memory of how they met. He guided the plate in Bell's hand to the table, then wrapped his arms around Bellamy. "You just wanted a one-night stand, but I messed that up," he murmured against Bellamy's neck. It sounded like he was smiling, but after a moment, he huffed again. "I'm scared," he admitted, his voice just barely audible.

Bellamy had wanted a one-night stand, but once he'd started dancing with Jasper, he'd wanted more than that. Still, he smiled faintly. "I know," he whispered, stroking a hand up Jasper's back. "So am I. But if I back down now..." He broke off, but he knew Jasper would understand. People had bled at Stonewall so they wouldn't have to be afraid now. Just because progress had taken longer than it should have didn't excuse Bell and his generation from standing up for what was right.

Jasper made a noise that sounded a little like a sniffle. "Going to a club isn't going to change the world, Bellamy."

"I know," Bell said, sliding an arm around Jasper's waist. "But if it changes just one person's mind...sometimes that's enough."

He knew it was an overly-simplified thing to say. Bellamy's mom had been an almost militaristic single mom, someone who didn't need a man to look after her and defied anyone who suggested she did. She'd raised two kids on her own, and fuck anyone who thought she didn't do a good job. Bellamy had never known how it was possible to be proud of her and a little embarrassed at the same time, but he'd somehow managed it.

But still...He knew there were two women in particular who had grown to be good friends with his mother. They'd listened to her reasons why she didn't want a husband. They'd cared about why she was raising Bell and O on her own. And for years, to Bellamy, Abby Griffin and her friend Callie had been the only people in the world who really understood.

Maybe one person couldn't change the world. But one person could change his or her friends. And those friends could change their friends. Maybe it was a gradual thing.

"Clarke keeps nagging me," Jasper admitted. "Niylah too. They said the club is doing something to… to honor the victims at 2:02."

"Then we should go," Bell said, brushing his lips against Jasper's jaw. "I want to go with you. With you and Clarke and Niylah and everyone."

Jasper nodded, then sniffled again and tightened his arms. "If something happens… don't leave me."

"Nothing will happen," Bellamy said, pressing his cheek against Jasper's. "But I won't leave you. Ever." He knew Jasper's fears weren't unfounded. Bell always carried his sidearm with him, even if he was off-duty. He couldn't leave innocent people unprotected, and he might, just might, be afraid someone would think he was biased if he put Jasper's safety above anyone else's. But when it came down to it, Bellamy would do anything to protect Jasper. He didn't care how it looked to an outside observer. Jasper's safety was what mattered most. "We'll be okay," he promised softly.

"Don't leave me," Jasper repeated, more insistently. He lifted his head to look at Bellamy, his eyes shining, and cupped Bellamy's cheek. "I need you." Something Bellamy couldn't read crossed Jasper's face, and he added, "Who else would feed me?"

Bellamy's throat tightened, but he laughed anyway. "I can't let you starve," he whispered, smiling painfully at Jasper. He kissed Jasper quickly, then whispered, "Who else would ever understand me? I need you."

Jasper made a funny noise that was probably a laugh. His smile looked as pained as Bellamy's felt. "You're not a mystery, Bell," he whispered teasingly, kissing Bellamy again.

"That's just mean," Bellamy murmured, though he couldn't help smiling. He brushed his fingers over Jasper's hair. "I need you," he whispered against Jasper's lips.

"I need you too," Jasper whispered. "Let's eat our cold pancakes."

After Jasper went to work, Bellamy spent a couple of hours cleaning the apartment and doing laundry. Around one he called his sister and they met for a late lunch. When Octavia found out about the club, she invited herself along; Lincoln was working nights for a while, and she wanted to be supportive.

After leaving the restaurant, Bellamy gave in to a stupid impulse to buy something new to wear to the club. It might be a little subdued tonight, but he didn't think it would be all sad. He might as well give Jasper something to enjoy seeing him in.

He went home with a pair of black jeans that were tight enough they felt indecent--which probably meant they fit him the way Jasper would like--and a ridiculously expensive white t-shirt that didn't seem any better quality than one he could've gotten at Target for $10. The store clerk told him he was paying for the fit, and Bellamy couldn't argue, since it showed off his arms and shoulders in a way he definitely knew Jasper would like.

When he got his purchases home, though, he felt stupid. Jasper loved him, and they were going to the club as a mark of respect. Why buy new clothes?

Then again, maybe it was a mark of defiance.

Whichever it was, Bell pulled off the tags and wore the clothes. He stopped by the theater ten minutes after the evening performance usually got out, giving the parking a chance to clear up. Easing the Camaro into a parking space, he debated waiting in the car, but decided to go inside. Bell had texted Jasper that he would drive tonight, but he hadn't got a response. Hopefully Jasper hadn't changed his mind.

He headed inside, glancing around for Jasper or one of the others who could tell him where Jasper was.

Most of the people lingering in the lobby were clearly audience stragglers, as they were talking excitedly about the show. When he heard someone say something about an "amazing explosion", Bellamy grinned and fought the urge to tell them his boyfriend was responsible for that.

He walked into the house and started down one of the aisles, seeing Jasper on stage with some other crew members, disassembling something potentially dangerous, judging by the goggles he was wearing and how far away from him the others were standing.

Bellamy stopped where he was, not wanting to distract Jasper from what he was doing. He waited until Jasper screwed the lid on a large container and stood up, pushing the goggles up onto his forehead. The other people on stage relaxed a little, so Bellamy headed on down the aisle. He didn't want to interrupt, but he wanted to make sure Jasper knew he was there.

Jasper handed the container off to one of the crew members, and said something Bellamy couldn't quite make out. It was nice to see Jasper in this environment, looking so comfortable. Bellamy knew Jasper eventually had aspirations to work in TV or movie special effects so he could "blow bigger shit up", but they'd cross that bridge when and if they came to it.

Jasper started to walk backstage when he caught sight of Bellamy. He did a double take, then smiled and carefully hopped off the front of the stage. "Hey," he said, and then apparently noticed Bell's new clothes because his eyebrows went up. He sucked in a slow breath, and then just left his mouth open, like he didn't know what to say. His gaze was definitely appreciative, though.

Bellamy couldn't quite suppress the way his lips curved up. It felt like an accomplishment to catch Jasper speechless. "Hi," he said. "Wanted to make sure you got my text about driving tonight. We'll come back for your car tomorrow." He paused. "Based on the audience chatter, it sounds like you were a hit."

Jasper's mouth finally reformed a loose smile, and when he reached Bellamy, he slid his arms over Bellamy's waist. Then he very obviously looked around the theatre behind Bellamy before sliding his hands to Bellamy's ass for a quick grope. "I've changed my mind. Take me home immediately," he said, his tone suggestive even as he grinned and gave Bellamy a brief kiss.

Bell snorted. "I'm pretty sure these pants come with a three-hour dancing obligation in the purchase agreement," he said, smiling warmly at Jasper. "I swear, I don't know what came over me."

"I just… mmn," Jasper said, then bit his lip. "This is unfair."

That made Bellamy laugh out loud. "You know you're ridiculous, right? You ask me every week to come to the club with you, then when I go to a little bit of effort, you say you want to skip the club." He leaned in and kissed Jasper again quickly.

"Well, I mean, have you seen you in this outfit?" Jasper teased. "You definitely can't leave me now. Someone will try to steal you."

Bellamy snorted. "I'm not stealable," he said. Then he leaned in. "I do think the store clerk was flirting with me, though."

Jasper pressed his lips together and narrowed his eyes playfully. "As long as you didn't flirt back," he said. "Because--" He gave Bellamy an obvious once-over. "I get it." He grinned and started backing away from Bellamy. "Let me get my stuff and change out of my blacks."

"Take your time," Bellamy said, wandering over to a seat and sprawling in it. He pulled out his phone and scrolled through Facebook and his emails, catching up on anything he'd missed during the day. He always came to opening nights and big events at the theater, so no one really gave him a second look while he waited. He'd tapped over to his e-reader app and was engrossed in a book on Civil War history when Jasper's hand settled on his shoulder.

Jasper was wearing a tight black t-shirt with an anatomically correct ribcage, spine, and heart that Bellamy knew would glow in the dark and under blacklight. Bellamy also knew if Jasper raised his arms, it would expose a strip of Jasper's stomach above Jasper's less-fitted jeans, which were secured with a rainbow belt.

Jasper looked mildly nervous now, though. He adjusted the messenger bag on his shoulder, and said, "You ready?"

"I'm ready," Bellamy said, tilting his head back and smiling up at him. He took Jasper's hand in his own and tugged him down gently for a kiss. "You are so fucking gorgeous," he murmured against Jasper's lips.

Jasper laughed faintly. "I'm glad you think so," he said, pulling back and tugging Bellamy out of his seat.

Bellamy grinned at him and curled his fingers around Jasper's. "From the moment I first saw you," he admitted. He led the way out of the theater and over to his car. It had been an indulgence, buying the Camaro, but at the time, he'd had nothing in his life that really made him happy except his sister, and she'd fallen in love and just moved in with her boyfriend. It was entirely possible Bell might not have dropped the cash on the car if he'd already been dating Jasper...but he had never actually regretted it, either. Jasper was anything but shallow, but Bell could still remember how turned on Jasper had been after his first ride in the Camaro.

"Octavia's meeting us at the club," he told Jasper as he let them in.

"Oh, cool." Jasper slid into the passenger seat, tossing his bag behind Bell's seat. "Monty's coming too. And Clarke and Niylah, and Lexa and Costia." He tapped his fingers nervously against his knee.

"Good," Bellamy said. He reached over and gripped Jasper's hand for a moment. "It'll be okay, Jas. I promise."

"You can't promise that," Jasper said, but he squeezed Bellamy's hand back and gave him a small smile.

Bellamy inhaled, prepared to argue, then decided that if Jasper was going to let it go, he would, too. "I can promise that, no matter what, I'll be with you," he said, resting his gaze on Jasper's face. "And when I'm with you, everything is okay." He smiled faintly.

Jasper's smile strengthened a little at that, then leaned over for a kiss, grunting a little as the gearshift pressed against his stomach.

The kiss was slow and tender, as Jasper ran a hand down Bellamy's chest. "Let's go," he breathed as the kiss broke.

"As you wish," Bellamy said, only half-teasing with the Princess Bride reference. He gunned the engine and headed for the club.

When they got there, Bell was surprised by the length of the line. He didn't go often with Jasper, but he went often enough to know the line was longer than usual. Was it possible that there were more people who wanted to offer solidarity than usual? It was a strange feeling.

Jasper looked a little surprised too. "I guess all the people who don't come often, like you, decided it was time to show up," he said, getting out of the car.

"Good for them," Bellamy said in approval, joining Jasper again and sliding an arm around Jasper's waist. He kissed Jasper's hair. "It felt important to me," he said. "Must've felt important to other people, too."

He could feel that Jasper was tense, his fingers just barely too tight on Bellamy's shoulder after he draped his arm over Bell. "Must have," he said.

As they were heading to the end of the line, someone called Jasper's name, and Jasper smiled at a small group of people Bellamy didn't recognize. A striking woman with wild auburn hair waved Jasper over, so Jasper tugged Bellamy with him. He hugged all of the group, and introduced Bellamy, and they chatted for a short time.

As they were walking away, Jasper explained, "They're pretty much hippies--live on houseboats--but good people. Less regular here than me, but more regular than you."

Bell smiled. "Nice," he said, twining his fingers with Jasper's.

They got to the back of the line, and Jasper leaned against Bellamy, dropping his head against Bellamy's shoulder. He squeezed Bellamy's hand. Jasper clearly wasn't as excitable as he normally was, but Bellamy hoped that maybe once the got inside, the music and cocktails would help Jasper relax.

They'd moved maybe four feet in line when Octavia showed up and pulled them into a three-person hug, kissing both their cheeks, but they didn't see anyone else until they got inside. Lexa and Costia were already dancing, but Clarke, Niylah, and Monty were at the bar, Clarke's arm draped loosely around Niylah's waist.

Jasper was smiling a little as they walked over and greeted everyone, and Monty hung on Jasper's shoulders as he leaned over the bar. Gina smiled back at him from behind it.

"Moscow mule for Jasper," she said, and used a pair of tongs to pick a cherry out of a nearby jar and drop it into Jasper's hand.

He popped it in his mouth and chewed. "You spoil me," he said, licking the juice off his palm while Bellamy tried to ignore how Jasper's shirt was hitched up from leaning over.

She laughed and looked at Bellamy, giving him an obvious once over. "Two weeks in a row, and you… well, you dressed for it tonight?" she said, winking. Gina was bi, and Bellamy occasionally got the impression she definitely liked to look at him, but she had a girlfriend and wasn't pushy. "Remind me what you drink."

Bellamy grinned at her and rested a hand at the small of Jasper's back. "Normally an Old-fashioned guy, but I'm driving, so how about a bottle of Bud Light?"

"Gotcha," she said, serving him his beer, then turning to mix Jasper's drink.

Jasper thanked her when she set it in front of him, then turned to lean against the bar, giving Bellamy a small smile before taking a couple of large sips of his drink.

"How're you feeling?" Monty asked, looking between them, his arm still around Jasper.

Jasper frowned. "Uh," he said, seemingly searching for a word. He took another sip of his drink. "I'm not sure."

He looked around the room, so Bellamy did too. There were people dancing and having fun, but the energy was different tonight. Groups of friends were huddled at tables talking seriously, or couples were just holding each other.

Bellamy was grateful Monty and Octavia had come to offer support, but some part of him just wanted to drag Jasper out to dance and hold on to each other. He sipped his beer, letting his hip rest lightly against Jasper's.

"Vulnerable," Jasper said finally, then downed the rest of his glass and caught Gina's attention for another.

"I won't leave you alone," Bellamy told him, though he knew that probably didn't help much. "I promise."

"I know," Jasper said. Monty let his arm fall away as Jasper leaned against Bellamy.

Bell wrapped his arm around Jasper, nudging Monty gently with the back of his hand and smiling at him. Octavia came over from where she had been chatting with Clarke and Niylah.

"No one's dancing," she said. "Monty, come dance with me. I need to blow off some steam."

Bell wondered if she could tell that, as much as he appreciated their support, he wanted to just be with Jasper. But Bell couldn't tell what Jasper wanted; hopefully Monty could.

Monty looked at Jasper, and Jasper made a face at him that Bellamy couldn't quite read. Sometimes it was like Jasper and Monty had their own language. Monty smiled, though, and followed Octavia to the dance floor.

Jasper sipped his second drink, then leaned in to kiss Bellamy's jaw. "Thank you for coming. I'm thinking one more of these and I'll relax," he said.

Bell lifted a hand to stroke his fingers through Jasper's hair. "I wanted to be here with you." He never felt jealous of the relationship Jasper and Monty had, but he sometimes wished he were as good at reading Jasper as Monty was. "I needed to be here with you."

Jasper turned so that he was pressed against Bellamy, hip to hip, and slid an arm around Bellamy's waist. He was feeling a little more relaxed now, obviously. "I love you," he said. Bellamy didn't exactly hear him over the music, but he read Jasper's lips.

Jasper smiled and sipped daintily from the stir straw for a moment, then Clarke and Niylah burst out laughing next to them about something. "Jasper," Clarke said. "Do shots with us."

Jasper gave her a look like she was crazy. "Do you want me on the floor?" he said.

Bellamy shook his head, grinning faintly. "There's relaxed, and then there's shitfaced," he told Clarke. "Just because you apparently have no limits doesn't mean everyone's as good as you."

She smirked. "Oh, I'm good," she said. "Maybe if you fed him more, put some meat on him, he could keep up."

Jasper gave her a mock glare. "Hey," he complained, but then he couldn't stop himself from smiling.

Bellamy slid a hand down to grope Jasper's ass. "I like him the way he is," he told Clarke, grinning.

"Then I'm never changing," Jasper said, grinning back at Bellamy as Clarke rolled her eyes.

Bellamy laughed, but a pang of emotion hit him at the expression on Jasper's face. God, he loved Jasper. And suddenly he understood why Jasper had been afraid to come to the club tonight, at least a little. He pulled Jasper a little closer.

Niylah shook her head and turned back to the bar. A moment later came back with four shot glasses. "Don't say no," she said, and pressed a shot glass into Bellamy's hand and then Jasper's.

Bellamy just looked at her--he didn't know Niylah well--and she shouted, "Jäger."

One wouldn't hurt. Bellamy shrugged and did the shot.

Jasper made a face, but he did the shot when Clarke and Niylah did theirs. Then he made a face again. "I hate Jäger," he said.

Bellamy smiled at him and leaned in for a kiss. "You're allowed to say no," he said in Jasper's ear. "No matter what Niylah says." Though he liked the idea of Jasper relaxing, he wanted it to be at Jasper's pace.

"Time to dance!" Niylah shouted, grinning at them.

Jasper made a noise of protest and lifted his unfinished drink. "We'll meet you in a minute," he said, and Niylah pulled Clarke out to the dance floor.

Jasper took a sip of his drink and kissed Bellamy. "Finish your beer," he said, then added, "I was clear earlier, right? About how hot you look tonight?"

Bellamy grinned at him. "You were clear," he said. He took a long gulp of beer and leaned in. "I wanted to surprise you."

"You did," Jasper said. "Normally you know I hate surprises, but this was a good one." He downed what was left in his glass and gave Bellamy a nudge toward the dance floor.

Bellamy gulped the last of his beer and let Jasper guide him out to dance. He pulled Jasper close and let himself lose himself to the rhythm, squeezing his eyes shut.

He felt Jasper chuckle. Jasper liked to tease that it looked like Bellamy closed his eyes so he didn't have to see himself dance until he was warmed up. But Jasper didn't say anything this time. His hands roamed Bellamy's arms instead as they danced close together, falling into sync.

They danced several songs like that until Bellamy's skin was damp with sweat between dancing and the crowded dance floor. Jasper must have been getting hot too, because he let go of Bellamy, even if he didn't stop dancing.

Bellamy didn't like losing contact completely. He reached out and hooked his fingers in Jasper's hip pocket. His promise not to leave Jasper was fresh in his mind. What he hadn't anticipated was how much he would need to have Jasper close, too.

It felt weird. He was a cop. He was supposed to feel like everything was under control. But suddenly, now, with the dark club and the thumping bass and the flashing lights, his heart was pounding with more than just excitement. He couldn't take his gaze off Jasper.

Jasper, for his part, looked far more relaxed than he had before now. Now his eyes were closed, his lips curved. He was unwinding into the music, his stomach exposed as he raised his arms and moved with the beat.

Bellamy couldn't help smiling as he watched Jasper. He felt scared and happy and lucky all at once. He didn't know quite what to do with it all, so he pressed the fingers of his free hand to Jasper's chest and tried to push his emotions into the dancing.

Jasper's smile strengthened at the touch. He slid his hand over Bellamy's, then tugged it away gently to spin under it. He tossed his head back to laugh, and leaned in for a kiss.

Laughing, Bellamy let his graze trail down Jasper's lean form. Maybe it was okay to feel scared, he thought. You only felt scared to lose something if it was something that made you happy. Maybe the fear was a byproduct of the joy. He pulled Jasper back in for a longer kiss. "I love you," he breathed in Jasper's ear.

Jasper smiled at him, his gaze full of so much emotion. There was affection for Bellamy, but Bellamy also thought there was love in Jasper's eyes for this place too, this community of people coming together not only to celebrate love, but also to save and heal each other.

Jasper leaned in and kissed Bellamy again. "I love you too."