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geekystudmuffinTitle: The Expansion of Two Natures, part four-b
Authors:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innerslytherin and severity_softly
Pairing: Hotch/Rossi, and a little Hotch/Haley
Rating: PG-13 for this part, NC-17 overall
Summary: When Aaron Hotchner is new to the BAU, he finds himself working closely with SSA David Rossi--one of the original founders of the department. As their relationship progresses, they realize what they have together is more than friendship...but circumstances keep them from having all that they knew they could have together. Years later, Dave has a second chance, just when Aaron needs a friend the most...
Word count: ~12200 for this part, ~78,000 overall
Notes: RP format. Mild AU, as we played fast and loose with Hotch's already screwy back story (especially in regards to his work history and the timeline of his marriage to Haley).
Previous parts: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four-a
"Love is the expansion of two natures in such fashion that each include the other, each is enriched by the other." - Felix Adler
*****
Haley hadn't had a hotel room. Aaron had slept on the couch. She complained, and pouted, and even cried a bit more, but Aaron couldn't sleep with her. Not in that bed. He'd been with Dave in that bed for the past week, and had finally started to become more comfortable with that. And now? Haley was sleeping in the bed, Aaron was on the couch, decidedly not sleeping. And Dave wasn't answering his phone.
The following morning Aaron gave Haley a kiss on the forehead, in spite of how she frowned at that, and left for the BAU. He still had to work, and he intended to get Dave alone at some point during the day to talk to him. They needed to talk about this, and Aaron wasn't making any decisions until they did.
Except that when he got to his desk, the one he'd been sharing with Dave for over a year, he found it half-empty. He stood there and stared at it for a moment. Dave was gone? Dave was gone. Aaron couldn't breathe, but he forced himself to do the one thing he could even think to do. He walked straight to Gideon's office and knocked.
Gideon looked up from the papers he'd been reading, and his expression immediately went sympathetic for a moment before he blanked it out. "Come in, Hotch." He sighed. "You might close the door."
Aaron had every intention of shutting the door, and was already doing it before Gideon was finished. Once it was shut, he just stood in the doorway for a moment, staring at Gideon. This had been a stupid idea. Dave was gone.
"David resigned yesterday afternoon," Gideon said quietly. He didn't look away from Aaron as he held out the paper he had been looking at.
Aaron stared at Gideon, but didn't move from the door. After a moment he shook his head. He knew what Gideon was holding. He knew Gideon was telling the truth and he really didn't want to see Dave's letter of resignation for himself. He clenched his jaw and looked away. "Jason..."
"It isn't your fault, Aaron," Gideon said softly. "I think he considers it a gift to you." He sighed. "He took Ruby Ridge hard, Waco even harder. I'd been expecting this for some time before you showed up. He was impressed with you. Impressed that you came in like you did, without resting on your reputation. You gave him a year he might not otherwise have had."
"That really isn't any consolation right now," Aaron said through clenched teeth, finding his voice finally and fighting to keep control of himself. He still wasn't looking at Gideon.
"I expect he's at home." Gideon looked down again, as if he didn't wish to witness Aaron's pain. "You should talk to him, Aaron."
Aaron nodded after a pause, then tried to force himself to say something, or at least look at Gideon, but he just left the office without a word and headed straight back out of the bullpen, ignoring the strange looks he got. They all knew he and Dave were close--though they didn't know how close. They would figure out why Aaron was leaving soon enough.
Aaron broke the speed limit on the way to Dave's, and it didn't feel like much time had passed before he was pounding on Dave's door, wondering what the hell he was supposed to say.
Dave had been packing all night. He knew it was stupid to want to go somewhere else, but he didn't think he could stay here, not so close to Quantico, not in the apartment where for too short a time he'd had what he wanted. What you're walking away from, you dumbass, said a voice in his head. But he knew it was the right thing to do. He'd felt the way Aaron had reacted to Haley's presence. He'd known that Aaron would be unable to walk away from her. So it was left to Dave to make it easy. It was the only thing he could really do for Aaron now.
He wasn't surprised by the violent pounding on his door. He'd been expecting it from the moment he left the BAU yesterday. He supposed it said something that Aaron obviously hadn't been back to work after lunch yesterday, even if he had been trying to call Dave. "Yes," he muttered as he got up and headed for the door. "It says you did the right thing."
It didn't stop his heart from breaking.
He pulled the door open and tried to keep his expression blank, even though he knew his eyes gave everything away.
Aaron looked at Dave, and his anger at the other man faded considerably. He wasn't sure why, but it didn't matter, because as soon as his anger died down, the hurt he was feeling surged up to take over. He shook his head, not speaking for a moment, and then finally said, "What are you doing?"
Dave took a step back to let Aaron into his apartment. Shithead came running up to rub against Aaron's ankles, and for God's sake, it was ridiculous how that, of all things, made Dave want to break down. He turned away and shut the door, trying to compose himself. "I'm leaving."
"You're running away," Aaron countered quickly, looking back at Dave, but not moving so he wouldn't trip over the cat. He turned and glared down at it after a moment, as if this was all the cat's fault, but the cat continued to purr and headbutt Aaron's ankles, oblivious to what was being said.
Dave took a shaky breath. "Yeah." His voice was hardly more than a whisper. He'd told himself to be ready for this, but of course he couldn't be ready for this. He wanted to shout at Aaron. He wanted to kiss him and drag him into the bedroom. Instead he just stared at Shithead, feeling his eyes burning. "It's easier than waiting for you to walk away first."
That was the last answer Aaron expected to hear. He expected Dave to fight with him, deny he was running away... something. Not agree with him. He nudged the cat away and closed the gap between himself and Dave, wanting to touch him. "You weren't even going to talk to me first?"
Dave frowned and looked up reluctantly at Aaron. "What's to talk about?" He shrugged. "Anyway, I knew you'd show up here. I wouldn't have actually left town without saying goodbye."
Aaron felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. "You're leaving town?"
Dave took a short breath. "What am I going to do, Aaron, stay here and watch--" He broke off and shook his head. "Look. I want you to be happy. Haley's back. She seems to understand she's got to do things differently. I'm just trying to make this easier on you."
"You just decided what was best for me without my input." Aaron frowned deeply, then reached out and gripped Dave's hand. "It doesn't have to be like this."
Dave curled his fingers around Aaron's. "How would it be?" he asked quietly. "You love Haley. And what you and I have, it's great, but it can't compete with a woman you've been with for, what, over ten years, anyway. You would end up having to make a decision. I'm just saving you from doing that."
"Dave..." Aaron stared at Dave, trying to reason the situation out in his head, and coming up no less torn than he had been last night. "Dave, I--" He lifted a hand to cup Dave's jaw and make Dave meet his eyes. "Don't leave."
"Don't leave what?" Dave said, his lips curling a little in spite of himself. "Don't leave D.C., don't leave the BAU, or don't leave you?" God, he shouldn't relish Aaron's touch, not when Haley was back. But he couldn't help it.
"All of the above," Aaron said.
Dave sighed. "So you want me to stick around and wait for you to leave me?"
"I don't want you to leave the BAU because of me. I don't want you to leave D.C. because of me." He brushed his thumb over Dave's cheek and wished he could kiss him, but all he could do was think about Haley, just as last night all he could think about was Dave when Haley tried to convince him to sleep in the bed.
Dave shook his head. "Aaron...I stayed at the BAU because of you. I'd already started thinking about leaving when you showed up. I've got someone interested in a book deal about how the BAU got started, so it's not like I don't have something lined up." He told himself he should pull away and make Aaron quit touching him. Instead he sighed and slid an arm around Aaron's waist, pulling him in for a tight hug. "I'm making it easier on all of us this way," he murmured.
Aaron returned the hug automatically and turned to kiss the side of Dave's head and then just buried his nose in Dave's hair. "Don't..." He sighed. "All right, fine; I don't want you to leave D.C. for purely selfish reasons." He let out a small, sad laugh. "You can write a book here."
"You'd still have to choose," Dave said quietly. He didn't let go of Aaron. Do you understand what you're asking of me? "I can't stick around waiting for Haley to fuck up again. And I'm not going to be part of your cheating on her."
"I'm not asking you to wait, and I'm not asking you to be my... lover." Aaron tightened his arms. God, he was being pathetic. "No matter what happened or will happen, you're my friend." He hadn't quite meant to say that, but the word 'friend' had slipped out so easily it only struck him a few seconds too late what it meant to say it.
"You're asking me to stay and be your friend," Dave repeated in a flat voice. He didn't know if he could do that. To be here every day, facing the knowledge that the person who meant more than anything to him was just out of reach? He ought to stop clutching at Aaron like this. But Aaron was holding on to him just as tightly. "Aaron..."
"I can't... leave her," Aaron finally admitted, and he was admitting it as much to Dave as he was to himself. "I know... I know I should." He tilted his head down a little to kiss the top of Dave's ear. "Dave, if I had expected this, I would have never... I'm so sorry." He felt like he could cry, for probably the first time since he was a child.
"I know," Dave said quietly. He lifted one hand to stroke over Aaron's hair. "I know." He closed his eyes and took a slow breath. "If you need me, I'll stay," he said, feeling his throat tighten. God, he couldn't do this. But he couldn't go, not if Aaron needed him.
"I need you," Aaron whispered, his lips still close to Dave's ear, but the words made his chest ache even more. He sighed and lowered his head a little more to press his cheek to Dave's. He didn't want to say what he was thinking. He wanted to continue to be selfish; he wanted to keep Dave here, in spite of knowing it was hardly fair to ask that of Dave. He drew a long breath. "But in spite of the fact that you've just made about a half a dozen decisions for me without my input, I can't decide whether you stay or go for you."
Dave sighed. "Maybe Gideon's lost my resignation letter," he murmured. "They've waited three years for the book, they can wait a while longer. As long as I don't let Max Ryan retire ahead of me." He ignored the little dig about making decisions. He still thought he'd been right; Aaron would eventually see that. After a long moment, he loosened his arms and pulled back to look Aaron in the face. He studied his expression, then cupped his face gently and leaned in for one last kiss.
Aaron sucked in a breath, and for a moment he didn't do anything in return. Don't do this, he wanted to say, but he couldn't force the words. And then he just didn't have the resolve to fight it, and leaned in to draw his tongue along Dave's lower lip, taking the invitation and kissing Dave deeply. God, he'd never be able to forget this. He had a feeling he and Dave both knew Dave wasn't going to stay, but maybe, just once, they could let themselves fool themselves, just to make this a little easier. He pulled away after a moment, when he was out of breath. "I'll see you tomorrow then," he said, but he couldn't hide the sadness in his eyes that he knew he probably wouldn't.
"Yeah," Dave breathed, lifting a hand to brush against Aaron's cheek. He didn't know if he would be able to go through with it. Watching Aaron rebuild his life with Haley might be more than he could handle. But he wouldn't leave the city. That much he thought he could do. He caught Aaron's gaze. "Marry her, Aaron," he said quietly. "Do a better job than I did. You deserve to be happy."
Aaron looked down, away from Dave. He wasn't sure he was ready to forgive her yet, let alone get married. "So do you."
Dave laughed, just a quiet expulsion of breath. "Yeah, well. Wife Number Two." He stepped back and put his hands in his pockets to keep from reaching out for Aaron again.
Aaron still didn't look up. "I should probably go." He didn't want to, but he thought staying would be even more painful.
"Yeah. Well. I'll see you." Dave kept watching Aaron, wishing he didn't feel so damned powerless. But there was nothing to do, absolutely nothing that would fix this.
Aaron reached up and gripped Dave's shoulder, but didn't say anything. There was nothing to say. He drew a steadying breath and nodded, then turned to leave, not sure if he was going back to work, or going home. Maybe he'd just drive for a while.
*****
Hiding a smile, Dave looked down at the desk he still shared with Aaron and shook his head. Conover had crawled under Leming's desk and tied his shoelaces to his chair; one of these days he was going to get himself in trouble with his pranks. Dave had learned to keep an eye on Conover whenever they were in the office together. Actually the bullpen was pretty full today. Aaron wasn't here, but aside from him, they only had two agents out. Weird.
He turned his attention back to the resignation letter in front of him. It was real this time, and he and Aaron had talked it over thoroughly before Dave spoke to Gideon about it at all. Dave wasn't leaving hurt and angry this time. He was just leaving because it was impossible to move forward while he was still here, in such close proximity to Aaron.
He was truly glad Aaron was happy, and he'd been pleased--almost relieved, in a way--when Haley had shown up with a diamond on her finger. Aaron had asked Dave to be his best man, which had been a request that was impossible to refuse, which of course Aaron had counted on. At the same time, Dave couldn't sit by and watch without constantly being reminded of all he'd wanted and all he'd lost.
So here he was, his last day before official retirement from the FBI--and how weird was that, retiring at his age, but he'd earned his pension, so it all worked out. He was finally going to write that book, and he had it in mind to do a little consulting on the side to supplement his income. He thought--he hoped--that Aaron was happy for him, too.
With a sigh, Dave signed the paper in front of him and folded it once, then stood, preparing to take it in to Gideon's office.
The elevator ride to the bullpen was quiet. Aaron was riding up to the office with Gideon after a long lunch, and Aaron knew Gideon had to know how Aaron felt today. It was bitter-sweet saying goodbye to Dave. Of course goodbye wasn't goodbye this time. Aaron was convinced last time would have been, if he and Dave had parted hurt and confused. Aaron had been relieved--if a bit guilty--when he'd come in to find Dave back in the office the next day.
Things had changed drastically over the last few months. Aaron really believed Haley was sorry, that she wouldn't try to manipulate him again. And he did love her. Over the months he'd come to realize that he'd loved Dave too, in a way. But of course, it wouldn't have done either of them any good to say that out loud now. Dave had been right when he'd stepped away from the relationship, and they both knew it.
They both knew Dave had to go now too, now that they could part on good terms. It was hard to share a room with Dave on cases, and Aaron still felt guilty when Dave and Haley had to spend more than five minutes together, even if he had been relieved Dave had agreed to be part of his wedding.
Aaron sighed as the elevator dinged up and up, staring down at the going away cake he and Gideon had picked up, not knowing what to say, though he was smiling faintly.
"It's difficult to see him go," Gideon said quietly. "But it's a lot better than it could have been."
Aaron nodded and glanced over at Gideon. "Much," he said, his tone matching Gideon's. "Thanks, Jason."
Gideon shrugged. "I didn't do anything," he replied, though of course he had--he'd sat on Dave's resignation letter, and then ripped it up when Dave asked to come back.
Aaron expelled a breath, a hint of a laugh. "Of course not."
Gideon smiled. "I'm glad to see you smiling more, Hotch," he said. "And I know Dave is glad to see it, too."
"I think..." Aaron started, but then shook his head and dismissed the thought. Or rather he dismissed the idea of telling Gideon that he thought Dave had known the right thing for them, even if it had been the hard thing.
The elevator doors dinged open, and Aaron walked into the bullpen. Somewhere in the corner of the room, Conover started singing 'He's a Jolly Good Fellow', and it didn't take long before the rest of the room was singing too.
When Aaron put the cake down at the desk he was no longer going to be sharing with Dave, he shrugged at Dave's bemused expression, replying with a dry, "They don't write songs about cranky bastards, unfortunately."
Dave snorted, then started laughing. "That's because the real cranky bastards would've started throwing things to make you sorry lot shut up. Geez, guys, this is nice." He glanced up at Aaron. "Your idea, Hotshot?"
Aaron settled in the seat across from Dave and shrugged again, smiling softly. "I couldn't let you leave without embarrassing you a little bit."
"Thanks," Dave said, giving him a wry smile. "What'll I do without you to keep me humble?"
"You think you're getting rid of me?" Aaron asked.
"Damn, you mean I'm not?" Dave's smile widened as he looked at Aaron, but then Leming apparently tried to stand up, because he crashed over, taking his chair with him. Conover burst out laughing, and Dave shook his head and started cutting the cake.
"You've never been humble, you dumb shit," Jacobs said as he came up for a piece of cake. "We just got lucky that Hotch is actually better than you and makes you shut up from time to time."
Dave raised his eyebrows and pointedly cut a tiny piece for Jacobs.
Gideon and Conover finally got Leming free of his chair, and he hobbled over for some cake. "At least you won't have any annoying coworkers," he muttered, though he was fighting a smile.
"Are you kidding? Rossi'll just annoy himself," Jacobs pointed out, licking the icing off his fork. "He'll miss us."
"Doubtful," Dave said, rolling his eyes. He glanced over at Aaron. He would miss a lot of this, but there were things he wouldn't miss, too. He wouldn't miss averting his eyes whenever he and Aaron had to share a room at a hotel. He wouldn't miss people's commentary on how long it had been since he'd been on a date, and Conover's loud opinion that Rossi was cranky these days and really needed to get laid. But he would miss his partner, that was for damn sure.
The impromptu "party" lasted a bit longer, and then a new case came in. Aaron would be flying out with Gideon and Leming the next morning, and the three of them fell into preparing for the next day while Aaron tried to ignore how strange it felt to know Dave wouldn't be with him.
He lingered longer than really necessary, calling Haley once to tell her he might be late, and then talking to her again when she called asking him about some wedding decorations that he couldn't have honestly cared any less about if he tried. "Blue is fine," he said into the phone, staring down at the crime scene photos from their new case with a frown, Dave's packing up in his peripheral vision. "'Fine' doesn't mean 'I don't like it'. It means it's fine... Well, then do yellow. I... Whatever you want."
Aaron watched as Dave got up from no-longer-their-desk and headed for the elevator.
"Honey, I have to go. Blue, yellow, neon pink, I don't care... I love you too," he said quickly, and hung up, standing to go to follow Dave. He caught up with him at the elevator. "Going down?"
Dave glanced over at him, torn between being amused and being annoyed at the conversation he'd only heard snatches of. "Yup. You all set to work with Leming from now on?" He smiled faintly.
Aaron glanced over at him. "I'm not sure I wouldn't rather have a root canal," he said, his voice quiet. "But I'll make sacrifices if it means your eventual fame in the world of books," he teased gently.
Dave snorted. "I'll dedicate all my books to you," he joked. He stuck his hands in his pockets and turned back to the elevator, watching the numbers light up. "It'll be weird," he said finally. "I've been a cop of one kind or another for over half my life."
Aaron nodded, following Dave's gaze up to the numbers. "You won't know what to do with yourself for a while," he said. "And then eventually, you'll figure out that your life isn't meaningless without us." He kept his tone light, because it was a strange thing to say. Dave probably thought it was a load of crap, too, coming from a man who'd nearly given up a relationship over a decade old for the BAU.
And maybe it was a load of crap. Aaron wasn't sure.
Dave didn't say anything until the elevator doors opened. There was no one inside. "I hope you're right," he murmured then. It was why he was leaving, after all. He reached out to hold the elevator doors open, then glanced at Aaron. But words failed him just then. He was glad to be leaving like this, instead of how he'd tried to leave. All the same, there was an ache in his chest that just wouldn't go away. Sometimes he wanted passionately to be away, and other times he was actually afraid of going.
Aaron walked into the elevator and waited for Dave to join him. When the elevator doors closed behind them, it was incredibly silent for a long while. It was both comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. Aaron drew a deep breath. "I don't know what I'm going to do with myself for a while, either," he admitted, staring ahead of himself.
"Probably take over the entire BAU," Dave said without rancor. "You'll be SAC before you know it." He leaned against the wall, his gaze on Aaron's profile despite himself. God, he needed to get away. He ought to spend the next month somewhere they'd never had a case together. The Grand Canyon, maybe, or the Maine coast. He wondered if he could get away with coming back to Virginia the week before the wedding.
Aaron shook his head, but didn't argue. He didn't like to talk about it, but he knew the section chief had his eye on Aaron already, even if it would be several years before they'd consider promoting him. "You know what I mean," he said quietly.
Dave laughed faintly and nodded. "I know," he agreed. "You'll be all right. Anyway, you'll always know how to find me." Implicit in those words were, And if you ever need me, I'll come.
Aaron looked at Dave, his lips curling up just a little. "I know." He nodded, but didn't look away. He couldn't quite look away, even if he thought he probably should. "You have everything packed and ready to do?"
"Pretty much." Dave shrugged. "You know, Richmond really isn't all that far away." It wasn't far enough, he was certain. But every time he'd looked somewhere further afield, it had felt wrong.
"I know," Aaron said, and finally sighed and looked away. "So, do you have time for a drink, then?"
"Of course." Dave smiled. For you, always. He sighed. "This is the right thing to do, Aaron," he said quietly. He wasn't sure which of them he was reassuring.
"I know," Aaron said for the third time. The elevator doors dinged open. "Come on. First round's on me."
Part Five
Authors:
innerslytherin and severity_softlyPairing: Hotch/Rossi, and a little Hotch/Haley
Rating: PG-13 for this part, NC-17 overall
Summary: When Aaron Hotchner is new to the BAU, he finds himself working closely with SSA David Rossi--one of the original founders of the department. As their relationship progresses, they realize what they have together is more than friendship...but circumstances keep them from having all that they knew they could have together. Years later, Dave has a second chance, just when Aaron needs a friend the most...
Word count: ~12200 for this part, ~78,000 overall
Notes: RP format. Mild AU, as we played fast and loose with Hotch's already screwy back story (especially in regards to his work history and the timeline of his marriage to Haley).
Previous parts: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four-a
"Love is the expansion of two natures in such fashion that each include the other, each is enriched by the other." - Felix Adler
*****
Haley hadn't had a hotel room. Aaron had slept on the couch. She complained, and pouted, and even cried a bit more, but Aaron couldn't sleep with her. Not in that bed. He'd been with Dave in that bed for the past week, and had finally started to become more comfortable with that. And now? Haley was sleeping in the bed, Aaron was on the couch, decidedly not sleeping. And Dave wasn't answering his phone.
The following morning Aaron gave Haley a kiss on the forehead, in spite of how she frowned at that, and left for the BAU. He still had to work, and he intended to get Dave alone at some point during the day to talk to him. They needed to talk about this, and Aaron wasn't making any decisions until they did.
Except that when he got to his desk, the one he'd been sharing with Dave for over a year, he found it half-empty. He stood there and stared at it for a moment. Dave was gone? Dave was gone. Aaron couldn't breathe, but he forced himself to do the one thing he could even think to do. He walked straight to Gideon's office and knocked.
Gideon looked up from the papers he'd been reading, and his expression immediately went sympathetic for a moment before he blanked it out. "Come in, Hotch." He sighed. "You might close the door."
Aaron had every intention of shutting the door, and was already doing it before Gideon was finished. Once it was shut, he just stood in the doorway for a moment, staring at Gideon. This had been a stupid idea. Dave was gone.
"David resigned yesterday afternoon," Gideon said quietly. He didn't look away from Aaron as he held out the paper he had been looking at.
Aaron stared at Gideon, but didn't move from the door. After a moment he shook his head. He knew what Gideon was holding. He knew Gideon was telling the truth and he really didn't want to see Dave's letter of resignation for himself. He clenched his jaw and looked away. "Jason..."
"It isn't your fault, Aaron," Gideon said softly. "I think he considers it a gift to you." He sighed. "He took Ruby Ridge hard, Waco even harder. I'd been expecting this for some time before you showed up. He was impressed with you. Impressed that you came in like you did, without resting on your reputation. You gave him a year he might not otherwise have had."
"That really isn't any consolation right now," Aaron said through clenched teeth, finding his voice finally and fighting to keep control of himself. He still wasn't looking at Gideon.
"I expect he's at home." Gideon looked down again, as if he didn't wish to witness Aaron's pain. "You should talk to him, Aaron."
Aaron nodded after a pause, then tried to force himself to say something, or at least look at Gideon, but he just left the office without a word and headed straight back out of the bullpen, ignoring the strange looks he got. They all knew he and Dave were close--though they didn't know how close. They would figure out why Aaron was leaving soon enough.
Aaron broke the speed limit on the way to Dave's, and it didn't feel like much time had passed before he was pounding on Dave's door, wondering what the hell he was supposed to say.
Dave had been packing all night. He knew it was stupid to want to go somewhere else, but he didn't think he could stay here, not so close to Quantico, not in the apartment where for too short a time he'd had what he wanted. What you're walking away from, you dumbass, said a voice in his head. But he knew it was the right thing to do. He'd felt the way Aaron had reacted to Haley's presence. He'd known that Aaron would be unable to walk away from her. So it was left to Dave to make it easy. It was the only thing he could really do for Aaron now.
He wasn't surprised by the violent pounding on his door. He'd been expecting it from the moment he left the BAU yesterday. He supposed it said something that Aaron obviously hadn't been back to work after lunch yesterday, even if he had been trying to call Dave. "Yes," he muttered as he got up and headed for the door. "It says you did the right thing."
It didn't stop his heart from breaking.
He pulled the door open and tried to keep his expression blank, even though he knew his eyes gave everything away.
Aaron looked at Dave, and his anger at the other man faded considerably. He wasn't sure why, but it didn't matter, because as soon as his anger died down, the hurt he was feeling surged up to take over. He shook his head, not speaking for a moment, and then finally said, "What are you doing?"
Dave took a step back to let Aaron into his apartment. Shithead came running up to rub against Aaron's ankles, and for God's sake, it was ridiculous how that, of all things, made Dave want to break down. He turned away and shut the door, trying to compose himself. "I'm leaving."
"You're running away," Aaron countered quickly, looking back at Dave, but not moving so he wouldn't trip over the cat. He turned and glared down at it after a moment, as if this was all the cat's fault, but the cat continued to purr and headbutt Aaron's ankles, oblivious to what was being said.
Dave took a shaky breath. "Yeah." His voice was hardly more than a whisper. He'd told himself to be ready for this, but of course he couldn't be ready for this. He wanted to shout at Aaron. He wanted to kiss him and drag him into the bedroom. Instead he just stared at Shithead, feeling his eyes burning. "It's easier than waiting for you to walk away first."
That was the last answer Aaron expected to hear. He expected Dave to fight with him, deny he was running away... something. Not agree with him. He nudged the cat away and closed the gap between himself and Dave, wanting to touch him. "You weren't even going to talk to me first?"
Dave frowned and looked up reluctantly at Aaron. "What's to talk about?" He shrugged. "Anyway, I knew you'd show up here. I wouldn't have actually left town without saying goodbye."
Aaron felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. "You're leaving town?"
Dave took a short breath. "What am I going to do, Aaron, stay here and watch--" He broke off and shook his head. "Look. I want you to be happy. Haley's back. She seems to understand she's got to do things differently. I'm just trying to make this easier on you."
"You just decided what was best for me without my input." Aaron frowned deeply, then reached out and gripped Dave's hand. "It doesn't have to be like this."
Dave curled his fingers around Aaron's. "How would it be?" he asked quietly. "You love Haley. And what you and I have, it's great, but it can't compete with a woman you've been with for, what, over ten years, anyway. You would end up having to make a decision. I'm just saving you from doing that."
"Dave..." Aaron stared at Dave, trying to reason the situation out in his head, and coming up no less torn than he had been last night. "Dave, I--" He lifted a hand to cup Dave's jaw and make Dave meet his eyes. "Don't leave."
"Don't leave what?" Dave said, his lips curling a little in spite of himself. "Don't leave D.C., don't leave the BAU, or don't leave you?" God, he shouldn't relish Aaron's touch, not when Haley was back. But he couldn't help it.
"All of the above," Aaron said.
Dave sighed. "So you want me to stick around and wait for you to leave me?"
"I don't want you to leave the BAU because of me. I don't want you to leave D.C. because of me." He brushed his thumb over Dave's cheek and wished he could kiss him, but all he could do was think about Haley, just as last night all he could think about was Dave when Haley tried to convince him to sleep in the bed.
Dave shook his head. "Aaron...I stayed at the BAU because of you. I'd already started thinking about leaving when you showed up. I've got someone interested in a book deal about how the BAU got started, so it's not like I don't have something lined up." He told himself he should pull away and make Aaron quit touching him. Instead he sighed and slid an arm around Aaron's waist, pulling him in for a tight hug. "I'm making it easier on all of us this way," he murmured.
Aaron returned the hug automatically and turned to kiss the side of Dave's head and then just buried his nose in Dave's hair. "Don't..." He sighed. "All right, fine; I don't want you to leave D.C. for purely selfish reasons." He let out a small, sad laugh. "You can write a book here."
"You'd still have to choose," Dave said quietly. He didn't let go of Aaron. Do you understand what you're asking of me? "I can't stick around waiting for Haley to fuck up again. And I'm not going to be part of your cheating on her."
"I'm not asking you to wait, and I'm not asking you to be my... lover." Aaron tightened his arms. God, he was being pathetic. "No matter what happened or will happen, you're my friend." He hadn't quite meant to say that, but the word 'friend' had slipped out so easily it only struck him a few seconds too late what it meant to say it.
"You're asking me to stay and be your friend," Dave repeated in a flat voice. He didn't know if he could do that. To be here every day, facing the knowledge that the person who meant more than anything to him was just out of reach? He ought to stop clutching at Aaron like this. But Aaron was holding on to him just as tightly. "Aaron..."
"I can't... leave her," Aaron finally admitted, and he was admitting it as much to Dave as he was to himself. "I know... I know I should." He tilted his head down a little to kiss the top of Dave's ear. "Dave, if I had expected this, I would have never... I'm so sorry." He felt like he could cry, for probably the first time since he was a child.
"I know," Dave said quietly. He lifted one hand to stroke over Aaron's hair. "I know." He closed his eyes and took a slow breath. "If you need me, I'll stay," he said, feeling his throat tighten. God, he couldn't do this. But he couldn't go, not if Aaron needed him.
"I need you," Aaron whispered, his lips still close to Dave's ear, but the words made his chest ache even more. He sighed and lowered his head a little more to press his cheek to Dave's. He didn't want to say what he was thinking. He wanted to continue to be selfish; he wanted to keep Dave here, in spite of knowing it was hardly fair to ask that of Dave. He drew a long breath. "But in spite of the fact that you've just made about a half a dozen decisions for me without my input, I can't decide whether you stay or go for you."
Dave sighed. "Maybe Gideon's lost my resignation letter," he murmured. "They've waited three years for the book, they can wait a while longer. As long as I don't let Max Ryan retire ahead of me." He ignored the little dig about making decisions. He still thought he'd been right; Aaron would eventually see that. After a long moment, he loosened his arms and pulled back to look Aaron in the face. He studied his expression, then cupped his face gently and leaned in for one last kiss.
Aaron sucked in a breath, and for a moment he didn't do anything in return. Don't do this, he wanted to say, but he couldn't force the words. And then he just didn't have the resolve to fight it, and leaned in to draw his tongue along Dave's lower lip, taking the invitation and kissing Dave deeply. God, he'd never be able to forget this. He had a feeling he and Dave both knew Dave wasn't going to stay, but maybe, just once, they could let themselves fool themselves, just to make this a little easier. He pulled away after a moment, when he was out of breath. "I'll see you tomorrow then," he said, but he couldn't hide the sadness in his eyes that he knew he probably wouldn't.
"Yeah," Dave breathed, lifting a hand to brush against Aaron's cheek. He didn't know if he would be able to go through with it. Watching Aaron rebuild his life with Haley might be more than he could handle. But he wouldn't leave the city. That much he thought he could do. He caught Aaron's gaze. "Marry her, Aaron," he said quietly. "Do a better job than I did. You deserve to be happy."
Aaron looked down, away from Dave. He wasn't sure he was ready to forgive her yet, let alone get married. "So do you."
Dave laughed, just a quiet expulsion of breath. "Yeah, well. Wife Number Two." He stepped back and put his hands in his pockets to keep from reaching out for Aaron again.
Aaron still didn't look up. "I should probably go." He didn't want to, but he thought staying would be even more painful.
"Yeah. Well. I'll see you." Dave kept watching Aaron, wishing he didn't feel so damned powerless. But there was nothing to do, absolutely nothing that would fix this.
Aaron reached up and gripped Dave's shoulder, but didn't say anything. There was nothing to say. He drew a steadying breath and nodded, then turned to leave, not sure if he was going back to work, or going home. Maybe he'd just drive for a while.
*****
Hiding a smile, Dave looked down at the desk he still shared with Aaron and shook his head. Conover had crawled under Leming's desk and tied his shoelaces to his chair; one of these days he was going to get himself in trouble with his pranks. Dave had learned to keep an eye on Conover whenever they were in the office together. Actually the bullpen was pretty full today. Aaron wasn't here, but aside from him, they only had two agents out. Weird.
He turned his attention back to the resignation letter in front of him. It was real this time, and he and Aaron had talked it over thoroughly before Dave spoke to Gideon about it at all. Dave wasn't leaving hurt and angry this time. He was just leaving because it was impossible to move forward while he was still here, in such close proximity to Aaron.
He was truly glad Aaron was happy, and he'd been pleased--almost relieved, in a way--when Haley had shown up with a diamond on her finger. Aaron had asked Dave to be his best man, which had been a request that was impossible to refuse, which of course Aaron had counted on. At the same time, Dave couldn't sit by and watch without constantly being reminded of all he'd wanted and all he'd lost.
So here he was, his last day before official retirement from the FBI--and how weird was that, retiring at his age, but he'd earned his pension, so it all worked out. He was finally going to write that book, and he had it in mind to do a little consulting on the side to supplement his income. He thought--he hoped--that Aaron was happy for him, too.
With a sigh, Dave signed the paper in front of him and folded it once, then stood, preparing to take it in to Gideon's office.
The elevator ride to the bullpen was quiet. Aaron was riding up to the office with Gideon after a long lunch, and Aaron knew Gideon had to know how Aaron felt today. It was bitter-sweet saying goodbye to Dave. Of course goodbye wasn't goodbye this time. Aaron was convinced last time would have been, if he and Dave had parted hurt and confused. Aaron had been relieved--if a bit guilty--when he'd come in to find Dave back in the office the next day.
Things had changed drastically over the last few months. Aaron really believed Haley was sorry, that she wouldn't try to manipulate him again. And he did love her. Over the months he'd come to realize that he'd loved Dave too, in a way. But of course, it wouldn't have done either of them any good to say that out loud now. Dave had been right when he'd stepped away from the relationship, and they both knew it.
They both knew Dave had to go now too, now that they could part on good terms. It was hard to share a room with Dave on cases, and Aaron still felt guilty when Dave and Haley had to spend more than five minutes together, even if he had been relieved Dave had agreed to be part of his wedding.
Aaron sighed as the elevator dinged up and up, staring down at the going away cake he and Gideon had picked up, not knowing what to say, though he was smiling faintly.
"It's difficult to see him go," Gideon said quietly. "But it's a lot better than it could have been."
Aaron nodded and glanced over at Gideon. "Much," he said, his tone matching Gideon's. "Thanks, Jason."
Gideon shrugged. "I didn't do anything," he replied, though of course he had--he'd sat on Dave's resignation letter, and then ripped it up when Dave asked to come back.
Aaron expelled a breath, a hint of a laugh. "Of course not."
Gideon smiled. "I'm glad to see you smiling more, Hotch," he said. "And I know Dave is glad to see it, too."
"I think..." Aaron started, but then shook his head and dismissed the thought. Or rather he dismissed the idea of telling Gideon that he thought Dave had known the right thing for them, even if it had been the hard thing.
The elevator doors dinged open, and Aaron walked into the bullpen. Somewhere in the corner of the room, Conover started singing 'He's a Jolly Good Fellow', and it didn't take long before the rest of the room was singing too.
When Aaron put the cake down at the desk he was no longer going to be sharing with Dave, he shrugged at Dave's bemused expression, replying with a dry, "They don't write songs about cranky bastards, unfortunately."
Dave snorted, then started laughing. "That's because the real cranky bastards would've started throwing things to make you sorry lot shut up. Geez, guys, this is nice." He glanced up at Aaron. "Your idea, Hotshot?"
Aaron settled in the seat across from Dave and shrugged again, smiling softly. "I couldn't let you leave without embarrassing you a little bit."
"Thanks," Dave said, giving him a wry smile. "What'll I do without you to keep me humble?"
"You think you're getting rid of me?" Aaron asked.
"Damn, you mean I'm not?" Dave's smile widened as he looked at Aaron, but then Leming apparently tried to stand up, because he crashed over, taking his chair with him. Conover burst out laughing, and Dave shook his head and started cutting the cake.
"You've never been humble, you dumb shit," Jacobs said as he came up for a piece of cake. "We just got lucky that Hotch is actually better than you and makes you shut up from time to time."
Dave raised his eyebrows and pointedly cut a tiny piece for Jacobs.
Gideon and Conover finally got Leming free of his chair, and he hobbled over for some cake. "At least you won't have any annoying coworkers," he muttered, though he was fighting a smile.
"Are you kidding? Rossi'll just annoy himself," Jacobs pointed out, licking the icing off his fork. "He'll miss us."
"Doubtful," Dave said, rolling his eyes. He glanced over at Aaron. He would miss a lot of this, but there were things he wouldn't miss, too. He wouldn't miss averting his eyes whenever he and Aaron had to share a room at a hotel. He wouldn't miss people's commentary on how long it had been since he'd been on a date, and Conover's loud opinion that Rossi was cranky these days and really needed to get laid. But he would miss his partner, that was for damn sure.
The impromptu "party" lasted a bit longer, and then a new case came in. Aaron would be flying out with Gideon and Leming the next morning, and the three of them fell into preparing for the next day while Aaron tried to ignore how strange it felt to know Dave wouldn't be with him.
He lingered longer than really necessary, calling Haley once to tell her he might be late, and then talking to her again when she called asking him about some wedding decorations that he couldn't have honestly cared any less about if he tried. "Blue is fine," he said into the phone, staring down at the crime scene photos from their new case with a frown, Dave's packing up in his peripheral vision. "'Fine' doesn't mean 'I don't like it'. It means it's fine... Well, then do yellow. I... Whatever you want."
Aaron watched as Dave got up from no-longer-their-desk and headed for the elevator.
"Honey, I have to go. Blue, yellow, neon pink, I don't care... I love you too," he said quickly, and hung up, standing to go to follow Dave. He caught up with him at the elevator. "Going down?"
Dave glanced over at him, torn between being amused and being annoyed at the conversation he'd only heard snatches of. "Yup. You all set to work with Leming from now on?" He smiled faintly.
Aaron glanced over at him. "I'm not sure I wouldn't rather have a root canal," he said, his voice quiet. "But I'll make sacrifices if it means your eventual fame in the world of books," he teased gently.
Dave snorted. "I'll dedicate all my books to you," he joked. He stuck his hands in his pockets and turned back to the elevator, watching the numbers light up. "It'll be weird," he said finally. "I've been a cop of one kind or another for over half my life."
Aaron nodded, following Dave's gaze up to the numbers. "You won't know what to do with yourself for a while," he said. "And then eventually, you'll figure out that your life isn't meaningless without us." He kept his tone light, because it was a strange thing to say. Dave probably thought it was a load of crap, too, coming from a man who'd nearly given up a relationship over a decade old for the BAU.
And maybe it was a load of crap. Aaron wasn't sure.
Dave didn't say anything until the elevator doors opened. There was no one inside. "I hope you're right," he murmured then. It was why he was leaving, after all. He reached out to hold the elevator doors open, then glanced at Aaron. But words failed him just then. He was glad to be leaving like this, instead of how he'd tried to leave. All the same, there was an ache in his chest that just wouldn't go away. Sometimes he wanted passionately to be away, and other times he was actually afraid of going.
Aaron walked into the elevator and waited for Dave to join him. When the elevator doors closed behind them, it was incredibly silent for a long while. It was both comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. Aaron drew a deep breath. "I don't know what I'm going to do with myself for a while, either," he admitted, staring ahead of himself.
"Probably take over the entire BAU," Dave said without rancor. "You'll be SAC before you know it." He leaned against the wall, his gaze on Aaron's profile despite himself. God, he needed to get away. He ought to spend the next month somewhere they'd never had a case together. The Grand Canyon, maybe, or the Maine coast. He wondered if he could get away with coming back to Virginia the week before the wedding.
Aaron shook his head, but didn't argue. He didn't like to talk about it, but he knew the section chief had his eye on Aaron already, even if it would be several years before they'd consider promoting him. "You know what I mean," he said quietly.
Dave laughed faintly and nodded. "I know," he agreed. "You'll be all right. Anyway, you'll always know how to find me." Implicit in those words were, And if you ever need me, I'll come.
Aaron looked at Dave, his lips curling up just a little. "I know." He nodded, but didn't look away. He couldn't quite look away, even if he thought he probably should. "You have everything packed and ready to do?"
"Pretty much." Dave shrugged. "You know, Richmond really isn't all that far away." It wasn't far enough, he was certain. But every time he'd looked somewhere further afield, it had felt wrong.
"I know," Aaron said, and finally sighed and looked away. "So, do you have time for a drink, then?"
"Of course." Dave smiled. For you, always. He sighed. "This is the right thing to do, Aaron," he said quietly. He wasn't sure which of them he was reassuring.
"I know," Aaron said for the third time. The elevator doors dinged open. "Come on. First round's on me."
Part Five
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-12-05 09:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-05 04:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 02:52 am (UTC)It's hard to get Rossi/Hotch, so I take all I can!
no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 02:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-07 01:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-05 07:41 pm (UTC)Anyway, I've finally managed to read it and it was very bittersweet. Aaron's had a real struggle to deal with his feelings and make a decision, so in a way, it was good that Dave made it for him. It would've been hard to leave Haley after thirteen years- to be with her that long had to mean Hotch had real feelings for her that would be impossible to simply dismiss.
I'm glad Dave didn't leave that first time, though. It might have been tough to be just friends, but it would've been worse for things to always be unfinished between them. At least now Dave's leaving as a friend and they'll be keeping in touch.
I wonder what the next chapter will bring. Will we be following their lives apart, or will we jump ahead to Aaron's divorce and Dave's return?
Laura.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-05 07:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-07 01:54 pm (UTC)I'm glad Dave didn't leave that first time, though.
LOL--So was I! We don't generally plan our co-written fic ahead, so it's a surprise to even us how it goes sometimes. I think this worked out fairly well. ;)
Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2009-01-16 04:54 am (UTC)*CRIES* You SUCK. I don't want to play any more.
no subject
Date: 2009-01-16 04:56 am (UTC)And I always want to wrap my arms around Rossi and just hold him.
You want to know something ironic? When she suggested we write this fic, her original plot was "Dave breaks Aaron's heart and then has to come back and apologize 10 years later".... and it turned out the other way around. *sigh*
no subject
Date: 2009-01-16 05:04 am (UTC)I would have NEVER, EVER stayed and tried to be friends with someone I was in love with, knowing I was going to have to watch them go be with someone else.
No, no, no.
So, watching Dave do it, because he loved Aaron just that much, is heart breaking. Poor thing.
no subject
Date: 2009-01-16 05:21 am (UTC)Yeah, it was painful even to gloss over, trust me.
no subject
Date: 2009-01-19 12:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-10 05:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-11 01:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-24 10:55 am (UTC)I'm almost started by the emotional intensity of this fic. I wasn't expecting that, even knowing how things would have to end up for their relationship the first time around. The depth of characterization is amazing, and I've really enjoyed the story so far, though I must say I'm eager to get to the present day. This is making me want to go rewatch Rossi's introduction to the show. ^_^
Truth to tell, it surprises me how much I like this fic, for two reasons. One, I hate RP-style writing. I'm an avid reader, I also beta-read on occasion, and I'm from the school of thought that considers mid-scene POV shifts bad writing. So every POV shift is like someone poking my shoulder. I've read other RP-style fic before, and it amazes me how cohesive this is. The other thing is that I'm not all that fond of Criminal Minds slash. Don't get me wrong, I'm a slasher from way back, but I've found it surprisingly hard to get into slashfic in the CM fandom. I don't know why that is, but I've mostly been reading CM genfic until this came up on a reclist somewhere. It's been incredibly rewarding to find such a great CM slashfic that I can really get into.
I also wanted to tell you both how deft I thought your handling of an awful situation was. It could have been a clusterfuck start to finish, what with Haley being a bitch and Hotch and Rossi jumping straight into a relationship, but you brought an incredible strength and maturity to the characters that makes them more than just admirable - it makes them believable. The bittersweet beauty of it impresses the hell out of me, and I can't wait to read the rest of the story.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-27 02:23 am (UTC)I'm glad you like this. We really enjoyed writing this fic and exploring the rich history between them that the show only hints at.
Anyway. *G* I'm really glad you thought the situation worked. We both believe strongly that Aaron's too faithful to really cheat on Haley, even though he feels guilty about the way everything happens.
And thanks for commenting before the time shift! :D