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geekystudmuffinTitle: The Expansion of Two Natures, part five-a
Authors:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innerslytherin and severity_softly
Pairing: Hotch/Rossi, and a little Hotch/Haley
Rating: PG-13 for this part, NC-17 overall
Summary: When Aaron Hotchner is new to the BAU, he finds himself working closely with SSA David Rossi--one of the original founders of the department. As their relationship progresses, they realize what they have together is more than friendship...but circumstances keep them from having all that they knew they could have together. Years later, Dave has a second chance, just when Aaron needs a friend the most...
Word count: ~11,700 for this part, ~78,000 overall
Notes: RP format. Mild AU, as we played fast and loose with Hotch's already screwy back story (especially in regards to his work history and the timeline of his marriage to Haley). Beginning with this chapter we are in season three.
Previous parts: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four-a, Part Four-b
"Love is the expansion of two natures in such fashion that each include the other, each is enriched by the other." - Felix Adler
2007
Dave remembered Erin Strauss as an ambitious, cast-iron bitch. It was nice to see some things never changed. So many other things had. He glanced around as he left, taking in the new surroundings. He had a feeling no one had to share a desk any more.
He'd sort of been hoping to run into Aaron while he was here to meet with Strauss, but at the same time he felt relieved as he got into the elevator without seeing him. Of course she was going to seek Aaron's approval, but they all knew he wouldn't need Aaron's permission to come back, or hers. The director would have him back in an instant. The job was Dave's for the taking.
Maybe he should have done this a little differently. Left the decision in Aaron's hands. Waited for Aaron to come to him. Then again, there was still that fear that Aaron wouldn't have come to him at all.
Two weeks ago he'd received an unsigned letter in the mail. It was the sort of thing he would never even have seen, if it had been sent to his publisher or his agent. Instead it had come to his home address, which was something very few people had. The electric company and the phone company, his three ex-wives, and Aaron--and the Bureau.
When he opened it, he hadn't been surprised to recognize the handwriting, or that it was succinct and unsigned. This letter wouldn't need a signature.
Come back. Aaron needs you.
No signature, but it was Gideon's handwriting. Dave had made some calls and found out that Gideon had vanished into thin air, with nothing but a letter to a young protégé--someone who wasn't Aaron. Dave recognized some of the names on the team--Prentiss was an ambassador's daughter, Morgan was spoken well of in many circles, Doctor Reid had written numerous articles. But none of them could be over thirty-five or thereabouts. Brilliant minds, all of them, but young.
So Dave was going back. He just hoped Aaron wouldn't be angry.
The last thing Aaron had ever expected to hear from Erin Strauss was that David Rossi wanted to come back to the FBI--more specifically, the BAU. Aaron had seen Dave over the years, though never quite as much as Aaron would have liked. Of course, Dave wasn't around Quantico much, and it was no secret Dave and Haley didn't get along. But Dave was returning now? For all the times in Aaron's life he'd wished he would see Dave more often, this was possibly the worst time for Dave to come back.
Gideon was gone. Haley was gone, for all intents and purposes. Dave would see right through Aaron, see the pain he was trying to hide, and Aaron knew it. Not to mention, Aaron had changed immensely from the time Dave and Aaron had worked together. Occasional meetings in relaxed settings, Christmas dinners and the like, the rare occasions he'd been able to spend time with Dave over the past few years were very different from the way Aaron was on a daily basis now. Aaron had no desire for the way Dave saw him to change, but he knew it would.
And it had to be on Dave's first case back when Dave steamrolled over the team and Aaron had to reprimand him. And if Aaron hadn't been immersed in the case, he might have recognized it right then instead of several hours later: it was possibly one of the most surreal moments of Aaron's life. Things didn't get much easier when Dave walked into Aaron's office after they were back to Quantico and proceeded to point out everything Aaron had been hoping Dave would be more tactful about. Apparently, even ten years hadn't schooled Dave any more on tact than it had subtlety, and Aaron felt a bit like he'd done all the changing for both of them.
It was late by the time he left the office. The bullpen was empty and Dave's office was dark, and Aaron didn't really want to go home to an empty house, but there was only so long he could put off the inevitable. He pressed the elevator button and pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a long, breathy sigh.
"You know, the long hours are hell on a marriage," Dave said. He'd been sitting on a bench by the elevators for the past forty minutes, waiting to see how long it would take Aaron to leave. It was strange, working with Aaron again. On the one hand, Dave almost felt like they didn't know each other any more. But at the same time, they could still read each other. Despite the way he'd fucked things up out there, Aaron had been at his shoulder the whole time. Even while chewing him out, which had been both the weirdest and most oddly familiar moment of his life.
Aaron sucked in a breath and jerked his head toward the direction of Dave's voice, and for a moment he just stared and then shook his head and looked away. "How long have you been sitting there?"
Dave checked his watch. "Forty minutes or so? Everyone else has been gone at least an hour, Aaron. You're working too hard." Not that he didn't know why. Not that he didn't understand. He'd done it himself, after all.
"Too hard is subjective," Aaron said, not really looking at Dave. "You waited forty minutes in a mostly dark lobby to lecture me on my work habits?" he asked, and looked back at Dave. The elevator door dinged open and Aaron held it without turning to look.
Dave joined Aaron in the elevator. "Maybe I waited forty minutes in a mostly dark lobby to tell you that you did good work on this case," he said, his lips quirking a little. As if Aaron needed validation from him or anyone, these days. To tell the truth, the case had Dave feeling more than a little like a dinosaur, a relic of some almost-forgotten past when fax machines were exciting new technology and typewriters weren't extinct.
Aaron gave Dave a look, and was struck yet again with another shining example of how things had changed. When Aaron had joined the team, Dave's praise always warmed Aaron. Now it just felt unnecessary, and Aaron had no idea how to respond. "Are you going to tell me what this 'unfinished business' is, or am I going to be surprised?" Again, he almost said, but was fortunate enough to catch it.
Dave folded his arms across his chest and looked at Aaron, trying to hide his hurt. Maybe this had been a mistake. Three years since they'd last seen each other was a long time--the decade plus since they were partners, even more--and even if Aaron had greeted him warmly, Dave had fucked up royally on this case. He had the horrible feeling that he'd disappointed Aaron, quite possibly more than he ever had before. And he'd disappointed Aaron plenty of times, there was no question of that. But this... He cleared his throat. "I sort of thought you'd know," he said quietly, and looked away.
Aaron frowned at Dave, shaking his head slowly even as he thought about it, trying to think of why Dave would want to be back here, working under Aaron after so many years and enough money from book sales that he could coast for the rest of his life. Aaron shook his head and looked away. "Are you settled in?" God, this was just like the last elevator ride they'd shared together at Quantico, except he was asking if Dave was settled instead of if he was ready to leave.
Dave shrugged. Aaron had no idea, did he? God, what was Dave even doing here? "Shithead doesn't like the new apartment much. I think it's because Mucci spends so much time inside now. There was more room for him down in Williamsburg."
Aaron's lips curled slightly, in spite of the fact that he still felt a little on edge. At least Dave had stopped pushing on the marriage subject, though. "I'm amazed that cat is still alive." He glanced up. "Did you get either of your second two wives to call him 'Shithead'?"
Dave laughed faintly, remembering the old joke. "Rita tried, but she said she felt ridiculous. Doris flat refused. I'm afraid I've never met anyone who lived up to the Hotshot standard." God, this felt almost awkward, trying to remember all their old rhythms and silences. This was a terrible mistake, he thought suddenly.
"I don't think I ever once called him that... not out loud," Aaron replied, his smile widening in increments. If he remembered correctly, he'd called it 'cat' more often than not. Aaron swallowed and shifted on his feet, the hint of a smile fading again--God, the cat might not even like him now.
Dave looked at him, surprised. "Why does it feel like you did?" he said, smiling crookedly. "Well." He hadn't been wrong about one thing--no one else had ever lived up to Aaron. He sighed and looked up at the numbers. "Unsubs don't change," he said quietly, echoing what he'd said earlier, "but it seems like everything else has."
"When you see something everyday it doesn't feel like it changes at all. It all happens so slowly over time," Aaron said. "And then something reminds you and it feels like light years." He glanced up at Dave, hoping he wasn't going to take that the wrong way. "And I'm not speaking only about the job." He sighed. "I am glad you're here," he added after a pause. Even if I had to call you out for your behavior today, and even if you started questioning my failing marriage less than forty-eight hours after seeing you again for the first time in far too long. God, how is this going to work?
Dave looked back at Aaron. He still wished he hadn't done this. "I didn't come here to step on your toes, Aaron," he replied. "I heard about Gideon, and..." He shrugged and looked away again. "I thought maybe you might need me."
Aaron nodded. "And I just said, I'm glad you're here."
Dave glanced back at him and smiled faintly. "I'm sorry," he blurted. "About Texas."
Aaron blinked at him for a moment, almost surprised. Almost. Except that he hadn't missed the way Dave had reacted to him when they talked in his office. "I get it. Sharing is a learned skill." He looked away. "You'll get there." He paused for a moment, then added, "I have every faith in you."
"Ah, hell, you just had to say that, didn't you," Dave said, mostly because he didn't like apologizing and would rather make light of it. "Now I'm going to have to be on my best behavior."
"Yes, you are," Aaron said, but he turned and smiled at Dave anyway, feeling slightly better somehow.
"You heading home, or you want to get something to eat?" Dave said. "You probably know the good restaurants around here better than I do, these days."
Aaron considered it for a moment as the elevator doors dinged open and they stepped out. He hadn't been wanting to go home anyway, and maybe they could catch up in a more neutral setting. "I didn't eat dinner. Yeah, let's go out."
Dave still drove fast, but it was past dark, and his night vision wasn't what it used to be. He followed Aaron to a quiet restaurant, where they settled in at a booth. Dave ordered a beer and a cheeseburger with fries, then wondered where to even start talking. He shouldn't have pushed the issue about Haley earlier, even if he had been trying to make a point. Well, he'd been trying to make a couple of points, but he wasn't sure if either of them had been worth it. Haley was Aaron's weak spot, and always had been, and Dave knew that.
He hadn't spent this much time feeling ashamed of himself since...well, since Rita divorced him, actually. Divorced him because she thought he was having an affair, until he'd finally confessed that wasn't the case. He had married her to try to forget Aaron. He had loved Rita, but not enough.
Dave took a sip of his beer and sighed, looking at the tabletop.
Aaron cleared his throat and took a sip of his tea. "Thanks," he murmured.
Dave looked up at him, confused. "For what?"
"I don't believe for a second you didn't know that I didn't want to go home, and," he said quickly before Dave replied, "for the record, no, I don't want to talk about it." He sat back in his seat a bit. "But thanks all the same."
Dave smiled crookedly. "You don't think I was just being selfish?" He nudged Aaron's knee with his own, trying to ignore how good it felt. "It's been too long, Aaron."
"It has," Aaron said. "Shithead and... Moxie not very good company?" he asked after a moment, raising an eyebrow.
Dave laughed. "Mucci. You know, the hero of Bataan. They're good company. But they don't tell me when I'm being an egotistical jerk." He sipped his beer. "Maybe I should get a parrot."
Aaron stared at Dave for a moment, not sure how to take that, but then his lips quirked to the side. "You'd teach it to say that?" And then Aaron thought of Reid, and how Reid would probably be spouting something about parrots not really understanding what they were saying anyway, so it wouldn't be quite the same... only Reid would say it with a lot more technical words and possibly statistics. "Reid seems to be quite taken with you."
"You're comparing Doctor Reid to a parrot?" Dave said, raising his eyebrows.
Aaron had been trying to hide a smile in his mug, but he chuckled softly at that. "No--Non sequitur."
Dave laughed and shook his head. "He's nice. A little...ah, enthusiastic. But he's obviously brilliant." He'd been overwhelming, in fact, rattling on about all the computerized information and the interviews they'd done since Dave left. But Dave liked him.
"Enthusiastic is a good word for it," Aaron agreed, nodding. "And he's probably read all of your books a half dozen times, in spite of having them memorized the first time," he said, smiling softly.
"Memorized? God, they're not that good." Dave sipped at his beer, then flashed the waitress a smile when she arrived with their food.
"He has a eidetic memory." Aaron thanked the waitress and started in on his food. "And an IQ of 187, and can read 20,000 words a minute."
"Right, I'll keep that in mind. If I want Doctor Reid to remember anything, I write it down for him. Not in a little notebook." Dave glanced up at Aaron, thinking of his old list of Aaron's faults--the list that had only ever had two things on it: "perfectionist", and "too fucking married".
Aaron might have been irritated by that little call back to their earlier conversation if Dave's voice hadn't sounded a little too warm when he said it. "See, you're learning already. Who said you can't teach old dogs new tricks?" he murmured, smiling, and it suddenly felt a little more like Dave's last day at the BAU ten years ago, and Aaron was calling Dave a "cranky bastard" to his face.
"Hey, who are you calling old?" Dave said, and smiled back. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad, after all. "You've gotta watch yourself, you're not getting any younger, either."
"But you've saved me from being the oldest on the team. I was worried after Gideon left." Aaron's smile slipped, and he hid it in his mug of tea.
Dave's smile faded. "What happened, Aaron? Gideon was...the best. Now no one even knows where he is." Dave had a postmark, Wilson's Creek, Arkansas, but he had a feeling that wasn't Gideon's final destination. If Gideon even had a final destination in mind.
"You didn't hear?" Aaron asked. Of course, no one on the team was really talking about it, in spite of the fact he was nearly certain Reid was probably carrying around that note wherever he went, but people talked outside of the team.
Dave shrugged. "I heard he left. I didn't want to hear anything else from someone besides you. I know you were close." And distance, not to mention the unsigned note, had increased his own fondness for Jason Gideon. Anyway, he had always--always--respected Gideon.
"Did you hear about Frank Breitkopf?" Aaron asked.
"There was a showdown at the train station," Dave said, nodding. "The press wasn't exactly kind. Not that we've ever expected that."
"He jumped in front of the train with a civilian. That wasn't the reason Gideon left, though." Aaron drew a deep breath. "Frank went out of his way to murder one of Gideon's close friends in his home." Aaron had a feeling she was more than a friend, but Gideon had always kept things like that to himself.
"My God," Dave breathed, and had to suppress the instinct to cross himself. "He...God. That's..." It was worse when it hit home. You could hold on to your objectivity when they weren't your friends. You could compartmentalize. But Gideon... Dave shook his head.
Aaron nodded, his expression solemn. "It was abrupt, but we can hardly blame him." That didn't mean that it didn't sting to not have heard a word, but Aaron still understood.
"I seem to recall a time when another guy tried to leave the Bureau," Dave said slowly. "You went looking for him. I guess Gideon didn't want to be found?" The note folded into his wallet felt significant suddenly, as if he were keeping a horrible secret. But he knew that Gideon wouldn't want Aaron to know he'd interfered, and Dave wasn't sure he was ready to admit that he'd come here for Aaron, since Aaron didn't seem to realize it. It was a private communication, he reasoned. From Gideon to me.
"Yeah, well, I didn't have that opportunity this time," Aaron replied, and he wasn't quite able to keep the bitterness from his tone. "There was nothing to be gained from it this time, though. That's not the sort of thing you can reason out."
"I'm sorry," Dave said quietly. "Especially after what happened in Boston. Gideon's a good man." He sighed, then glanced up at Aaron. "Though I was right, you did end up running the place. In my opinion there's no finer man for the job."
"This wasn't exactly how I wanted to do it," Aaron said, suddenly not wanting to talk about it any more.
"I know." Dave studied his face as they ate. Aaron looked weary, as if he'd shouldered too many burdens for too long. Dave wondered if there was any of that burden he could help with. How much of it was the job and how much of it was Haley? "It's a fine team," he said finally, changing the subject. "Am I right in thinking you brought most of them in?"
"Some of them," Aaron answered, then laughed softly. "Though I nearly turned Emily away before she even started." He shook his head and offered Dave a wry smile. "She... surprised me."
"Didn't expect much from the ambassador's daughter?" Dave teased. He gave Aaron a speculative glance, hoping he wasn't right. "She's very pretty."
"Emily?" Aaron asked, giving Dave a lopsided smile. "Should I be warning her to watch out?" he asked. "I don't want to have to recommend you for a transfer so early, Dave, but I will if I have to."
Dave sucked beer down the wrong way when he inhaled, then coughed. "My God, no," he sputtered, torn between amusement and disappointment. Maybe whatever they'd had between them had faded for Aaron. He caught his breath, then added, "You have my word, Aaron, I didn't come back to the Bureau looking for Wife Number Four."
"You worried me a moment." Aaron hid a smile at Dave choking. He had been worried, at first, when Dave seemed to be looking at JJ the wrong way. And Aaron wasn't sure if Dave backed off because he saw Aaron's reaction, or if Dave really hadn't meant it the way it had initially sounded at all. "Good."
Dave just studied Aaron's face, shaking his head faintly. Finally he just turned his attention back to his beer.
Aaron's smile faded. "What?"
"Nothing." Dave cleared his throat. "Just..." He shrugged. "Wondering what's changed."
Aaron's eyes narrowed in thought. "Are you speaking specifically or abstractly?"
Dave shrugged. I'm talking about us, he didn't say. You're more serious and tired. I'm...what? How have I changed? He took another sip of his beer.
Aaron frowned. He'd thought things had been going well, but that didn't appear to be the case any more. Dave looked, somehow, disappointed. "If... I've said something to offend you..."
Dave jerked his gaze back up. "Of course not. Come on, Aaron, this is me. I don't exactly offend easily." He smiled faintly. "I guess maybe I'm wondering if I'm too old for this." It wasn't the whole truth, but it definitely wasn't a lie.
Aaron gave him a smile, one that said he wasn't quite certain he believed that was really what Dave was thinking, and said, "You're hardly old."
"Fifty-two. Getting up there." Dave's smile strengthened a little. "Ah, I don't know." He waved a hand in dismissal and drained his beer.
"I'm not too terribly far behind you," Aaron said, looking down at his mostly empty plate.
Dave snorted and shook his head. "So where are you living these days? Still in the old house?" He wondered a moment later if that had been an insensitive question, because of the separation.
Aaron nodded slowly, but didn't say anything for a moment. He didn't want to lead right back into discussing Haley. "Yes, I am," he said finally. "How about you?"
"Well, no, I moved to Williamsburg after Rita, you know? She got the house in Richmond. Anyway, I kept the Williamsburg place, but I'm renting a house here." He smiled. "I wasn't sure you wouldn't throw me out on my ear. Didn't want to burn all my bridges."
"Smart move," Aaron replied wryly.
Dave glanced up at him. "Shit. I blew it today, didn't I?" The question was half-serious, though he wasn't sure if Aaron realized it.
"You're lucky I still like you," Aaron said. He rubbed his hand over his forehead and sat back. "I need to go home and get some sleep." He looked up. "You do too. You're not retired any more."
Dave laughed, feeling relieved. "You think being retired meant I didn't have a schedule? Research, writing, consulting, speaking...Hell, being back at the BAU is going to give me a chance to slow down." He grinned across the table at Aaron and waved their waitress over. When she would have put the bill on the table, he took it. "This one's on me."
Aaron went for the check and then frowned at Dave. "You don't have to--"
Dave's grin widened. "This one's on me. You can get the next one."
Next one? Aaron's frown faded and he shook his head. "Fine."
When they reached the parking lot a few minutes later, Dave stopped Aaron before he turned to his car, with just a brief touch to his shoulder. "We shouldn't have lost touch, Aaron," he said quietly. "I'm sorry about that. I know it was my fault."
Aaron shook his head. "No, it wasn't. I should have made more time." I should have made more time for everyone--you, Haley, Jack.
"I know what this life is like. I should have nagged you more often." Dave shook his head. "You may think I'm crazy, but it's good to be back."
"I don't think you're crazy at all." Aaron reached out and squeezed Dave's shoulder. "If I did, where would that leave me?" He offered a self-deprecating smile and started towards his car.
Dave smiled. "See you tomorrow."
*****
Dave had held a book in his hands all the way home, but he couldn't concentrate on reading. He wasn't interested in joining the others, particularly after his little confrontation with Morgan after they took out Henry Frost. He had no doubt that Morgan was relentless, and probably perceptive enough--and stubborn enough--to dig up the information he might need to put together Dave's main reason for coming back to the Bureau. Still, even that concern was at the back of his thoughts as he stared out the window of the jet all the way back to Quantico.
He hadn't lied when he'd told Morgan that Ruby Ridge and Waco started him thinking about leaving the Bureau. He'd been a cop before becoming a federal agent. He'd spent nearly half his life trying to protect people by the time Ruby Ridge happened in 1992...and suddenly he was viewed as the enemy, the outsider, a murderer. All because he worked for the FBI. It had shaken his faith, not just in his career, but in who he was.
Of course, that faith had been restored by an earnest younger man--a man whose voice spoke suddenly from just behind him as they walked into the BAU.
"You okay?" Aaron said softly. He'd started toward his own office, but then turned to follow Dave without a word until they were both inside.
Dave glanced over his shoulder and sighed, then went further into his office. The painters were finished, the walls a dark green that ought to absolutely fascinate Emily Prentiss while she tried to figure out if he was interested in fertility or creativity. At least Doctor Reid had tried to resist the urge to profile him. "I don't much like western states any more," he said finally. The chairs were still piled high with boxes and covered with drop clothes, so he dropped his ready bag on the floor and, after a moment, sat on the floor himself, leaning against his desk.
Aaron watched him, almost amused that Dave was sitting on the floor of his own office. Though, if Aaron was truthful, he couldn't stop watching Dave lately. And yes, part of that was professional--they couldn't afford to have Dave run roughshod over an investigation again--but it was more than just that. It was partly because, by some twist of fate, Aaron had an old friend thrown back into his life exactly when he needed it the most.
And because Aaron was watching Dave, he was thinking about Dave and their history for the first time in years. It was obvious Dave had moved on. He'd been married twice since he'd left the BAU, made a successful career for himself... moved on. And so had Aaron. Aaron found himself reminding himself lately that just because his own private life was falling apart lately, didn't mean that Dave's was too, and that the last time he turned to Dave during a moment of emotional crisis, it had ended in disaster.
Aaron sighed and walked over to the desk and sat against the edge, looking down at Dave. "I'm not such a fan of the east coast anymore." He looked up at the walls. The smell of paint was still a little overpowering. "The green is nice."
"What do you think it says about me?" Dave asked, shifting to look at the walls. If his shoulder just happened to brush Aaron's calf...well, that was entirely intentional. But he didn't think it would look that way.
"The color?" Aaron asked, glancing at Dave again at the touch but not moving. It felt good, actually. Aaron shrugged. "There's no reason for it to symbolize envy that I can see. Or sickness. Maybe rebirth, regeneration. New growth." He liked that interpretation, so he stopped there, especially seeing as how he wasn't sure the color was even what Dave meant.
"New growth." Dave smiled faintly. "You're going to start sending me to workshops, aren't you?" He leaned his head back against the desk. "You were the reason I stayed," he murmured after a minute.
Aaron's gaze snapped down to Dave, surprised by the admission, even if Gideon had told him as much ten years ago. Aaron frowned in thought. "I know," he said quietly. "And about the other thing, I think it says that you're good at your job."
"You think so?" Dave said. He didn't look at Aaron. It was ironic how their roles had reversed. Dave looked to Aaron for approval these days, and found himself warmed when he earned it. "I was with the Hostage Rescue Team that day, Aaron. It could've been my finger on that trigger, if things had gone differently. I was there as a negotiator, but I was carrying a gun just like everyone else."
"But it wasn't you. You did your job. And what I meant was that it's a good thing that, even after all this time has passed, you still care," Aaron said. "I've seen a lot of good agents burn out."
Dave laughed, though he wasn't really amused. "I don't know if anyone in my life has ever accused me of caring too much," he admitted.
"You care more easily than you want people to see," Aaron said, smiling softly. He'd wanted to say that maybe no one knew Dave quite as well as he did, but Aaron knew that was a big assumption to make after all these years of only occasionally talking, even if he and Dave were sitting here right now and all of Dave's other exes--if you could even be so bold to have called Aaron that--weren't. Still, Dave loved easily. Three marriages and at least one meaningful--Aaron hoped--whirlwind relationship with a younger co-worker were enough proof of that.
Dave's laugh came a little easier the second time. "You're the only person who believes that," he said, but his lips curled up. It was on the tip of his tongue to say Rita probably still believed that he'd never loved her at all, but he was tired of bringing up his ex-wives.
"Doesn't matter who else believes it," Aaron said. He glanced down again. "As comfortable as the floor looks... let's get out of here."
"You asking me out?" Dave joked, and stood, wincing as one of his knees cracked. "Damn, I hate getting old."
"It's inevitable." Aaron ignored the question though. He ignored the way it made him feel too.
"So where are we going?" Dave asked, shouldering his ready bag. "I think it's your turn to buy, so make it someplace expensive."
"I thought I might put something in the microwave for you." Aaron stepped into his office for a moment to grab his things. "But I have some really fancy microwave dinners, so I hope you won't be too disappointed."
"Wow, and here you used to cook real meals for me," Dave joked. "I guess I've come down in the world."
"Maybe I have," Aaron said, and then belatedly wondered if he was joking or not.
Dave snorted. "Not likely." He glanced at the bullpen, where Morgan and Prentiss were teasing Reid, who looked pleased about something. "You ought to come over and see Shithead one of these days. I'm convinced cats have a long memory. He still doesn't like Kay."
"I'm not sure I'm ready to test that theory yet," Aaron said.
Dave laughed, which made the others look over. He just shrugged and waved at them, then headed for the door, falling naturally in step with Aaron. "I'm sure he'd only bite you once or twice."
"I definitely liked it better when you really cooked for me," Dave said, pushing aside the remains of his microwave turkey, mashed potato and dressing dinner. The food hadn't really been bad, but eating together like this, in Aaron's home--in the house where they'd been together, if only for a short time--kept reminding him of how things used to be. Dave had spent the past two weeks telling himself to stop longing for the past and start looking at the present with an eye toward the future. It wasn't always possible, with a history as long as his and Aaron's.
Aaron glanced at Dave, then back at his own food, without a flicker of reaction on his face. "I give you Thanksgiving in a box and you complain."
Dave laughed. "Thanksgiving in a box." He glanced down at the meal, then folded his hands in prayer. "Thank God there wasn't any more of it." He gave Aaron a teasing look.
Aaron tried not to laugh, but he ended up snorting and grinning anyway. He turned to smile at Dave and then snatched the little molded plastic container away from Dave and went to throw it away with his own. He took a moment to breathe once he was in the kitchen alone. This was a little strange having Dave here. With Haley gone, it was so reminiscent of the time they'd spent here together before. "Do you want anything to drink?" he called out into the living room, where Dave was more than likely flipping the channel off of the news that Aaron had been peripherally watching.
Dave settled on some historical documentary and called back, "Sure, scotch if you have it, but anything's fine." He wasn't sure he wanted Aaron to be keeping scotch in his home. Aaron had never been as big a drinker as Dave, and while that could have changed over the years, Dave didn't want it to have changed since Haley moved out.
Aaron glanced back at the doorway, and then leaned out to look at Dave. He was momentarily distracted, frowning at the television, but turned back to look at Dave after a moment's hesitation. "I have wine. I think Haley left a bottle of rum, but I'm not sure."
"Wine sounds good." Dave shifted a little so he could look at Aaron. God, he was still as handsome as he'd ever been. Dave smiled.
Aaron looked back at Dave a moment, feeling oddly warmed by that smile. He made himself walk back into the kitchen. "It's red," he said, "and I'm changing the channel right back."
"Damn it, you know I hate the news," Dave said, but there was no heat to his argument. He stretched his legs out and leaned back into the couch, pleased. This felt familiar, comfortable, and yet there was an edge of unknown. How much had they changed over the years? His feelings hadn't changed a bit, but he had no real idea if Aaron even thought about their past much any more.
"And you know I like it, and I pay for the cable," Aaron said as he walked back into the living room. This was a discussion they'd had in some form or another since their partnership began, but somehow Aaron couldn't not remember having it while straddling Dave's lap when he saw Dave stretched out like he was. Aaron handed him a glass and sat.
Dave gave an exaggerated sigh and tipped his head in defeat. "Your house, your rules," he conceded. He took a sip of the wine, swirling it for a moment to taste. "Fantastic. God, this is just like old times." He took another sip of his wine as soon as he'd said it. Damn it, he'd been trying to wait for Aaron to bring up the past before he did.
Aaron turned his head to look at Dave, then shrugged and looked into his glass. "It's a good year. I'd been saving it for a special occasion, but..." He wasn't sure what he wanted to say--everything he thought of sounded too needy--so he just took a drink and stopped talking.
Dave made a noise of amusement and held out the TV remote. "I'm not sure whether I'm flattered or insulted." That was a lie. He couldn't help being flattered that Aaron had offered him the wine he'd been saving. He decided not to think about whether Aaron had bought it before or after he and Haley split up.
Aaron took the remote and rolled his eyes. "I should have thought of it sooner. I think it would have complimented the Stouffer's."
Dave smiled at the TV, which was now showing a wildfire somewhere out west. "Nah, the company improved the food enough."
"That sounds vaguely familiar," Aaron said without thinking.
"Vaguely?" Dave's smile widened and he closed his eyes. "God, that must have been ten years ago. More. Thirteen?" He opened his eyes again to take another sip.
"Around that," Aaron said, watching the smoke rising on the television. "You don't still have my faults listed in that thing, do you?" He reached over and tapped the notebook in Dave's breast pocket, then took a sip of his wine.
Dave looked down at the notebook, feeling a pang of emotion he didn't want to identify. "I only ever got around to listing two," he murmured. "One--perfectionist. Two--too fucking married."
Aaron expelled a breath of a laugh. "You've missed a lot over the years. Workaholic. Drill sergeant. Absentee dad..." He gave Dave a sad smile. "You really should get your pen out now, or you'll never catch up."
"I don't know, I think 'perfectionist' is a pretty good catch-all for workaholic and drill sergeant." Dave shifted a little so he could see Aaron better. "And I'm willing to bet that any time you ever spent with Jack, you gave him a hundred percent of yourself."
"It's not really enough." Aaron shook his head. "None of it was. And I'd do it all again in a heartbeat." He drew a long breath and looked at Dave. "What does that say about me?"
"It says you're selflessly dedicated to helping other people," Dave said without hesitation. "I already told you, you're the finest man I know. You're human. We all have limitations, even if you hate accepting yours."
Aaron wasn't sure what to say to that, mostly because he wanted to argue the point, argue that he was the one in the wrong. But he didn't think he would win the argument with Dave, and it didn't matter how wrong it was if he knew he was where he was supposed to be. Aaron dropped his head against the couch and swallowed, closing his eyes.
Dave licked his lips and tried to drag his eyes away from Aaron. It was impossible. "That's why perfectionist will always be number one on your list," he said, his voice a little huskier than he'd expected. He cleared his throat and turned his attention to his wine again.
The sound of Dave's voice sent an unexpected shiver down Aaron's spine, and he rolled his head to the side to look at Dave just as Dave looked away. He'd thought he saw an unexpected, but too familiar--even after all this time--expression on Dave's face just before he turned. Aaron shook himself and looked back at the TV. "Sorry."
"I'm not sure why you're apologizing," Dave said, glancing up at the TV. "I'm an arrogant, cranky bastard who's spent too much time in the limelight, I took part in one of the worst fiascoes the Bureau has ever been involved in, and I fucked up the first case I came back on...and you're apologizing for being a perfectionist." He shook his head. And this was why Aaron Hotchner was still the most powerful man Dave knew--he could get Dave to admit things like that when no one else ever could.
Aaron turned to look at Dave. It never stopped feeling good that Dave said things like that to him. Dave didn't just say that to anyone. Still, Aaron's lips curled slightly before he replied. "No. I'm apologizing because I had been meaning to make you feel better."
Dave laughed faintly. "I feel fine," he said. "The company improves a lot besides the food." He told himself to stop flirting with Aaron, but it was comfortable, easy.
"I happen to agree," Aaron replied, not looking away.
The look in Aaron's eyes seemed so familiar. It sent a thrill of heat through Dave, and he wondered if he still knew how to read Aaron. God, this felt good, like there was a hint of a promise that neither of them had spoken. Dave smiled slowly, his gaze warm on Aaron's.
Aaron smiled in return, feeling oddly warm even if he hadn't finished his glass of wine. He started to look down Dave's throat and chest, and then caught his wandering eyes and turned back to the TV, hoping Dave hadn't noticed.
Oh. That glance gave Dave his first real infusion of hope since he'd come back here. Falling back into their partnership had been fairly easy. But after spending weeks wondering if any of the old chemistry and heat was still there... It was a definite relief to know Aaron was still interested in looking. Dave sipped his wine and glanced back at the TV, feeling oddly excited.
Aaron drew a breath and shifted down on the couch, and possibly slightly closer to Dave, even as he told himself he was being stupid. The last thing he needed right now was to start thinking about this as more than it was. They watched the news for a bit longer and Aaron was starting to feel his eyes grow heavy. "We had a long day. You're welcome to stay if you want to. The guest bedroom is actually finished now."
Dave raised an eyebrow, thinking it over. He really ought to go home and check on his pets, but he'd had a friend feeding them while he was in Montana, and he hadn't yet called to say he was home... Come to think of it, he ought to see if Doris wanted to take custody of Mucci; it wasn't fair to keep a hunting dog in an apartment. He rubbed a hand over his face. "Sounds good, actually," he said. "If I wouldn't be in the way." He knew Aaron wouldn't have made the offer just to be polite, but it seemed like good manners to say it, anyway. The guest bedroom isn't really what I'm interested in, but I can be patient. For a while.
"In the way of what?" Aaron countered. He looked over and smiled faintly at Dave. "You think that, after you mocked my very generous offer of frozen food and my choice of entertainment, I wouldn't have gotten rid of you already if I didn't want you here?"
"Good point. You must not have anything better to do if you're inviting me over," Dave teased. "Let me grab my ready bag out of the car. I think I still have a clean change of clothes left."
"All right," Aaron said, and pushed off the couch to take their wine glasses to the sink. It seemed like a waste to open the bottle and then go right to bed, but they really didn't need to get drunk.
When Dave came in from the car, he dropped his bag by the front door, then glanced over at the TV, which was now off. "Going to bed already?" he asked mildly. He wouldn't really mind, but at the same time, he was reluctant to let the evening end yet.
"You're welcome to stay up if you want," Aaron called back. They didn't have to go in tomorrow, but Aaron was planning on it anyway. Somehow, he didn't think he should mention that. He was already planning to slip out before Dave was awake and leave him a key to let himself out. Even if he did want to stay up with Dave.
"Nah, the only reason to stay up is the company," Dave said, smiling as Aaron came back in. He picked up his bag and glanced around, wondering if the guest bedroom was where he expected it to be.
"Sorry," Aaron said, then inclined his head down the hallway and started going that way to show Dave where he was sleeping. He tried to ignore the tiny voice that told him he could offer Dave his bed. "Maybe I'm old enough for the both of us."
"Maybe you've just forgotten how to relax," Dave teased. He followed Aaron down the hall, trying not to remember other times they'd done this, with considerably less clothing on.
Aaron hummed thoughtfully, a little amused. "Maybe I don't want to remember." He pushed open the door to the guest bedroom and stood aside.
"Oh, that's just sad," Dave murmured. He gave Aaron a lopsided smile. "Maybe you need to be reminded. For your own good." He walked into the guest bedroom and looked around in assessment, then put his ready bag on the bed.
"I'm not sure there's anyone up for the challenge," Aaron replied. Except you, he realized a moment later, because he felt more relaxed now than he had in some time. "Let me know if you need anything," he said, then turned in the doorway to go, waiting for a moment to see if Dave did need anything.
Dave glanced over at Aaron, that smile lingering on his face. What I need, you're not ready for, he thought. But at least now I know it's not hopeless. "I'm fine, thanks. I hope you're not planning on getting up too early. Saturdays are still my day to sleep in, as long as JJ doesn't call us in."
"I won't wake you," Aaron said. "I have a fairly relentless internal alarm clock," he added, and then headed down the hall to get ready for bed. "Good night, Dave."
Part Five-b
Authors:
innerslytherin and severity_softlyPairing: Hotch/Rossi, and a little Hotch/Haley
Rating: PG-13 for this part, NC-17 overall
Summary: When Aaron Hotchner is new to the BAU, he finds himself working closely with SSA David Rossi--one of the original founders of the department. As their relationship progresses, they realize what they have together is more than friendship...but circumstances keep them from having all that they knew they could have together. Years later, Dave has a second chance, just when Aaron needs a friend the most...
Word count: ~11,700 for this part, ~78,000 overall
Notes: RP format. Mild AU, as we played fast and loose with Hotch's already screwy back story (especially in regards to his work history and the timeline of his marriage to Haley). Beginning with this chapter we are in season three.
Previous parts: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four-a, Part Four-b
"Love is the expansion of two natures in such fashion that each include the other, each is enriched by the other." - Felix Adler
2007
Dave remembered Erin Strauss as an ambitious, cast-iron bitch. It was nice to see some things never changed. So many other things had. He glanced around as he left, taking in the new surroundings. He had a feeling no one had to share a desk any more.
He'd sort of been hoping to run into Aaron while he was here to meet with Strauss, but at the same time he felt relieved as he got into the elevator without seeing him. Of course she was going to seek Aaron's approval, but they all knew he wouldn't need Aaron's permission to come back, or hers. The director would have him back in an instant. The job was Dave's for the taking.
Maybe he should have done this a little differently. Left the decision in Aaron's hands. Waited for Aaron to come to him. Then again, there was still that fear that Aaron wouldn't have come to him at all.
Two weeks ago he'd received an unsigned letter in the mail. It was the sort of thing he would never even have seen, if it had been sent to his publisher or his agent. Instead it had come to his home address, which was something very few people had. The electric company and the phone company, his three ex-wives, and Aaron--and the Bureau.
When he opened it, he hadn't been surprised to recognize the handwriting, or that it was succinct and unsigned. This letter wouldn't need a signature.
Come back. Aaron needs you.
No signature, but it was Gideon's handwriting. Dave had made some calls and found out that Gideon had vanished into thin air, with nothing but a letter to a young protégé--someone who wasn't Aaron. Dave recognized some of the names on the team--Prentiss was an ambassador's daughter, Morgan was spoken well of in many circles, Doctor Reid had written numerous articles. But none of them could be over thirty-five or thereabouts. Brilliant minds, all of them, but young.
So Dave was going back. He just hoped Aaron wouldn't be angry.
The last thing Aaron had ever expected to hear from Erin Strauss was that David Rossi wanted to come back to the FBI--more specifically, the BAU. Aaron had seen Dave over the years, though never quite as much as Aaron would have liked. Of course, Dave wasn't around Quantico much, and it was no secret Dave and Haley didn't get along. But Dave was returning now? For all the times in Aaron's life he'd wished he would see Dave more often, this was possibly the worst time for Dave to come back.
Gideon was gone. Haley was gone, for all intents and purposes. Dave would see right through Aaron, see the pain he was trying to hide, and Aaron knew it. Not to mention, Aaron had changed immensely from the time Dave and Aaron had worked together. Occasional meetings in relaxed settings, Christmas dinners and the like, the rare occasions he'd been able to spend time with Dave over the past few years were very different from the way Aaron was on a daily basis now. Aaron had no desire for the way Dave saw him to change, but he knew it would.
And it had to be on Dave's first case back when Dave steamrolled over the team and Aaron had to reprimand him. And if Aaron hadn't been immersed in the case, he might have recognized it right then instead of several hours later: it was possibly one of the most surreal moments of Aaron's life. Things didn't get much easier when Dave walked into Aaron's office after they were back to Quantico and proceeded to point out everything Aaron had been hoping Dave would be more tactful about. Apparently, even ten years hadn't schooled Dave any more on tact than it had subtlety, and Aaron felt a bit like he'd done all the changing for both of them.
It was late by the time he left the office. The bullpen was empty and Dave's office was dark, and Aaron didn't really want to go home to an empty house, but there was only so long he could put off the inevitable. He pressed the elevator button and pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a long, breathy sigh.
"You know, the long hours are hell on a marriage," Dave said. He'd been sitting on a bench by the elevators for the past forty minutes, waiting to see how long it would take Aaron to leave. It was strange, working with Aaron again. On the one hand, Dave almost felt like they didn't know each other any more. But at the same time, they could still read each other. Despite the way he'd fucked things up out there, Aaron had been at his shoulder the whole time. Even while chewing him out, which had been both the weirdest and most oddly familiar moment of his life.
Aaron sucked in a breath and jerked his head toward the direction of Dave's voice, and for a moment he just stared and then shook his head and looked away. "How long have you been sitting there?"
Dave checked his watch. "Forty minutes or so? Everyone else has been gone at least an hour, Aaron. You're working too hard." Not that he didn't know why. Not that he didn't understand. He'd done it himself, after all.
"Too hard is subjective," Aaron said, not really looking at Dave. "You waited forty minutes in a mostly dark lobby to lecture me on my work habits?" he asked, and looked back at Dave. The elevator door dinged open and Aaron held it without turning to look.
Dave joined Aaron in the elevator. "Maybe I waited forty minutes in a mostly dark lobby to tell you that you did good work on this case," he said, his lips quirking a little. As if Aaron needed validation from him or anyone, these days. To tell the truth, the case had Dave feeling more than a little like a dinosaur, a relic of some almost-forgotten past when fax machines were exciting new technology and typewriters weren't extinct.
Aaron gave Dave a look, and was struck yet again with another shining example of how things had changed. When Aaron had joined the team, Dave's praise always warmed Aaron. Now it just felt unnecessary, and Aaron had no idea how to respond. "Are you going to tell me what this 'unfinished business' is, or am I going to be surprised?" Again, he almost said, but was fortunate enough to catch it.
Dave folded his arms across his chest and looked at Aaron, trying to hide his hurt. Maybe this had been a mistake. Three years since they'd last seen each other was a long time--the decade plus since they were partners, even more--and even if Aaron had greeted him warmly, Dave had fucked up royally on this case. He had the horrible feeling that he'd disappointed Aaron, quite possibly more than he ever had before. And he'd disappointed Aaron plenty of times, there was no question of that. But this... He cleared his throat. "I sort of thought you'd know," he said quietly, and looked away.
Aaron frowned at Dave, shaking his head slowly even as he thought about it, trying to think of why Dave would want to be back here, working under Aaron after so many years and enough money from book sales that he could coast for the rest of his life. Aaron shook his head and looked away. "Are you settled in?" God, this was just like the last elevator ride they'd shared together at Quantico, except he was asking if Dave was settled instead of if he was ready to leave.
Dave shrugged. Aaron had no idea, did he? God, what was Dave even doing here? "Shithead doesn't like the new apartment much. I think it's because Mucci spends so much time inside now. There was more room for him down in Williamsburg."
Aaron's lips curled slightly, in spite of the fact that he still felt a little on edge. At least Dave had stopped pushing on the marriage subject, though. "I'm amazed that cat is still alive." He glanced up. "Did you get either of your second two wives to call him 'Shithead'?"
Dave laughed faintly, remembering the old joke. "Rita tried, but she said she felt ridiculous. Doris flat refused. I'm afraid I've never met anyone who lived up to the Hotshot standard." God, this felt almost awkward, trying to remember all their old rhythms and silences. This was a terrible mistake, he thought suddenly.
"I don't think I ever once called him that... not out loud," Aaron replied, his smile widening in increments. If he remembered correctly, he'd called it 'cat' more often than not. Aaron swallowed and shifted on his feet, the hint of a smile fading again--God, the cat might not even like him now.
Dave looked at him, surprised. "Why does it feel like you did?" he said, smiling crookedly. "Well." He hadn't been wrong about one thing--no one else had ever lived up to Aaron. He sighed and looked up at the numbers. "Unsubs don't change," he said quietly, echoing what he'd said earlier, "but it seems like everything else has."
"When you see something everyday it doesn't feel like it changes at all. It all happens so slowly over time," Aaron said. "And then something reminds you and it feels like light years." He glanced up at Dave, hoping he wasn't going to take that the wrong way. "And I'm not speaking only about the job." He sighed. "I am glad you're here," he added after a pause. Even if I had to call you out for your behavior today, and even if you started questioning my failing marriage less than forty-eight hours after seeing you again for the first time in far too long. God, how is this going to work?
Dave looked back at Aaron. He still wished he hadn't done this. "I didn't come here to step on your toes, Aaron," he replied. "I heard about Gideon, and..." He shrugged and looked away again. "I thought maybe you might need me."
Aaron nodded. "And I just said, I'm glad you're here."
Dave glanced back at him and smiled faintly. "I'm sorry," he blurted. "About Texas."
Aaron blinked at him for a moment, almost surprised. Almost. Except that he hadn't missed the way Dave had reacted to him when they talked in his office. "I get it. Sharing is a learned skill." He looked away. "You'll get there." He paused for a moment, then added, "I have every faith in you."
"Ah, hell, you just had to say that, didn't you," Dave said, mostly because he didn't like apologizing and would rather make light of it. "Now I'm going to have to be on my best behavior."
"Yes, you are," Aaron said, but he turned and smiled at Dave anyway, feeling slightly better somehow.
"You heading home, or you want to get something to eat?" Dave said. "You probably know the good restaurants around here better than I do, these days."
Aaron considered it for a moment as the elevator doors dinged open and they stepped out. He hadn't been wanting to go home anyway, and maybe they could catch up in a more neutral setting. "I didn't eat dinner. Yeah, let's go out."
Dave still drove fast, but it was past dark, and his night vision wasn't what it used to be. He followed Aaron to a quiet restaurant, where they settled in at a booth. Dave ordered a beer and a cheeseburger with fries, then wondered where to even start talking. He shouldn't have pushed the issue about Haley earlier, even if he had been trying to make a point. Well, he'd been trying to make a couple of points, but he wasn't sure if either of them had been worth it. Haley was Aaron's weak spot, and always had been, and Dave knew that.
He hadn't spent this much time feeling ashamed of himself since...well, since Rita divorced him, actually. Divorced him because she thought he was having an affair, until he'd finally confessed that wasn't the case. He had married her to try to forget Aaron. He had loved Rita, but not enough.
Dave took a sip of his beer and sighed, looking at the tabletop.
Aaron cleared his throat and took a sip of his tea. "Thanks," he murmured.
Dave looked up at him, confused. "For what?"
"I don't believe for a second you didn't know that I didn't want to go home, and," he said quickly before Dave replied, "for the record, no, I don't want to talk about it." He sat back in his seat a bit. "But thanks all the same."
Dave smiled crookedly. "You don't think I was just being selfish?" He nudged Aaron's knee with his own, trying to ignore how good it felt. "It's been too long, Aaron."
"It has," Aaron said. "Shithead and... Moxie not very good company?" he asked after a moment, raising an eyebrow.
Dave laughed. "Mucci. You know, the hero of Bataan. They're good company. But they don't tell me when I'm being an egotistical jerk." He sipped his beer. "Maybe I should get a parrot."
Aaron stared at Dave for a moment, not sure how to take that, but then his lips quirked to the side. "You'd teach it to say that?" And then Aaron thought of Reid, and how Reid would probably be spouting something about parrots not really understanding what they were saying anyway, so it wouldn't be quite the same... only Reid would say it with a lot more technical words and possibly statistics. "Reid seems to be quite taken with you."
"You're comparing Doctor Reid to a parrot?" Dave said, raising his eyebrows.
Aaron had been trying to hide a smile in his mug, but he chuckled softly at that. "No--Non sequitur."
Dave laughed and shook his head. "He's nice. A little...ah, enthusiastic. But he's obviously brilliant." He'd been overwhelming, in fact, rattling on about all the computerized information and the interviews they'd done since Dave left. But Dave liked him.
"Enthusiastic is a good word for it," Aaron agreed, nodding. "And he's probably read all of your books a half dozen times, in spite of having them memorized the first time," he said, smiling softly.
"Memorized? God, they're not that good." Dave sipped at his beer, then flashed the waitress a smile when she arrived with their food.
"He has a eidetic memory." Aaron thanked the waitress and started in on his food. "And an IQ of 187, and can read 20,000 words a minute."
"Right, I'll keep that in mind. If I want Doctor Reid to remember anything, I write it down for him. Not in a little notebook." Dave glanced up at Aaron, thinking of his old list of Aaron's faults--the list that had only ever had two things on it: "perfectionist", and "too fucking married".
Aaron might have been irritated by that little call back to their earlier conversation if Dave's voice hadn't sounded a little too warm when he said it. "See, you're learning already. Who said you can't teach old dogs new tricks?" he murmured, smiling, and it suddenly felt a little more like Dave's last day at the BAU ten years ago, and Aaron was calling Dave a "cranky bastard" to his face.
"Hey, who are you calling old?" Dave said, and smiled back. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad, after all. "You've gotta watch yourself, you're not getting any younger, either."
"But you've saved me from being the oldest on the team. I was worried after Gideon left." Aaron's smile slipped, and he hid it in his mug of tea.
Dave's smile faded. "What happened, Aaron? Gideon was...the best. Now no one even knows where he is." Dave had a postmark, Wilson's Creek, Arkansas, but he had a feeling that wasn't Gideon's final destination. If Gideon even had a final destination in mind.
"You didn't hear?" Aaron asked. Of course, no one on the team was really talking about it, in spite of the fact he was nearly certain Reid was probably carrying around that note wherever he went, but people talked outside of the team.
Dave shrugged. "I heard he left. I didn't want to hear anything else from someone besides you. I know you were close." And distance, not to mention the unsigned note, had increased his own fondness for Jason Gideon. Anyway, he had always--always--respected Gideon.
"Did you hear about Frank Breitkopf?" Aaron asked.
"There was a showdown at the train station," Dave said, nodding. "The press wasn't exactly kind. Not that we've ever expected that."
"He jumped in front of the train with a civilian. That wasn't the reason Gideon left, though." Aaron drew a deep breath. "Frank went out of his way to murder one of Gideon's close friends in his home." Aaron had a feeling she was more than a friend, but Gideon had always kept things like that to himself.
"My God," Dave breathed, and had to suppress the instinct to cross himself. "He...God. That's..." It was worse when it hit home. You could hold on to your objectivity when they weren't your friends. You could compartmentalize. But Gideon... Dave shook his head.
Aaron nodded, his expression solemn. "It was abrupt, but we can hardly blame him." That didn't mean that it didn't sting to not have heard a word, but Aaron still understood.
"I seem to recall a time when another guy tried to leave the Bureau," Dave said slowly. "You went looking for him. I guess Gideon didn't want to be found?" The note folded into his wallet felt significant suddenly, as if he were keeping a horrible secret. But he knew that Gideon wouldn't want Aaron to know he'd interfered, and Dave wasn't sure he was ready to admit that he'd come here for Aaron, since Aaron didn't seem to realize it. It was a private communication, he reasoned. From Gideon to me.
"Yeah, well, I didn't have that opportunity this time," Aaron replied, and he wasn't quite able to keep the bitterness from his tone. "There was nothing to be gained from it this time, though. That's not the sort of thing you can reason out."
"I'm sorry," Dave said quietly. "Especially after what happened in Boston. Gideon's a good man." He sighed, then glanced up at Aaron. "Though I was right, you did end up running the place. In my opinion there's no finer man for the job."
"This wasn't exactly how I wanted to do it," Aaron said, suddenly not wanting to talk about it any more.
"I know." Dave studied his face as they ate. Aaron looked weary, as if he'd shouldered too many burdens for too long. Dave wondered if there was any of that burden he could help with. How much of it was the job and how much of it was Haley? "It's a fine team," he said finally, changing the subject. "Am I right in thinking you brought most of them in?"
"Some of them," Aaron answered, then laughed softly. "Though I nearly turned Emily away before she even started." He shook his head and offered Dave a wry smile. "She... surprised me."
"Didn't expect much from the ambassador's daughter?" Dave teased. He gave Aaron a speculative glance, hoping he wasn't right. "She's very pretty."
"Emily?" Aaron asked, giving Dave a lopsided smile. "Should I be warning her to watch out?" he asked. "I don't want to have to recommend you for a transfer so early, Dave, but I will if I have to."
Dave sucked beer down the wrong way when he inhaled, then coughed. "My God, no," he sputtered, torn between amusement and disappointment. Maybe whatever they'd had between them had faded for Aaron. He caught his breath, then added, "You have my word, Aaron, I didn't come back to the Bureau looking for Wife Number Four."
"You worried me a moment." Aaron hid a smile at Dave choking. He had been worried, at first, when Dave seemed to be looking at JJ the wrong way. And Aaron wasn't sure if Dave backed off because he saw Aaron's reaction, or if Dave really hadn't meant it the way it had initially sounded at all. "Good."
Dave just studied Aaron's face, shaking his head faintly. Finally he just turned his attention back to his beer.
Aaron's smile faded. "What?"
"Nothing." Dave cleared his throat. "Just..." He shrugged. "Wondering what's changed."
Aaron's eyes narrowed in thought. "Are you speaking specifically or abstractly?"
Dave shrugged. I'm talking about us, he didn't say. You're more serious and tired. I'm...what? How have I changed? He took another sip of his beer.
Aaron frowned. He'd thought things had been going well, but that didn't appear to be the case any more. Dave looked, somehow, disappointed. "If... I've said something to offend you..."
Dave jerked his gaze back up. "Of course not. Come on, Aaron, this is me. I don't exactly offend easily." He smiled faintly. "I guess maybe I'm wondering if I'm too old for this." It wasn't the whole truth, but it definitely wasn't a lie.
Aaron gave him a smile, one that said he wasn't quite certain he believed that was really what Dave was thinking, and said, "You're hardly old."
"Fifty-two. Getting up there." Dave's smile strengthened a little. "Ah, I don't know." He waved a hand in dismissal and drained his beer.
"I'm not too terribly far behind you," Aaron said, looking down at his mostly empty plate.
Dave snorted and shook his head. "So where are you living these days? Still in the old house?" He wondered a moment later if that had been an insensitive question, because of the separation.
Aaron nodded slowly, but didn't say anything for a moment. He didn't want to lead right back into discussing Haley. "Yes, I am," he said finally. "How about you?"
"Well, no, I moved to Williamsburg after Rita, you know? She got the house in Richmond. Anyway, I kept the Williamsburg place, but I'm renting a house here." He smiled. "I wasn't sure you wouldn't throw me out on my ear. Didn't want to burn all my bridges."
"Smart move," Aaron replied wryly.
Dave glanced up at him. "Shit. I blew it today, didn't I?" The question was half-serious, though he wasn't sure if Aaron realized it.
"You're lucky I still like you," Aaron said. He rubbed his hand over his forehead and sat back. "I need to go home and get some sleep." He looked up. "You do too. You're not retired any more."
Dave laughed, feeling relieved. "You think being retired meant I didn't have a schedule? Research, writing, consulting, speaking...Hell, being back at the BAU is going to give me a chance to slow down." He grinned across the table at Aaron and waved their waitress over. When she would have put the bill on the table, he took it. "This one's on me."
Aaron went for the check and then frowned at Dave. "You don't have to--"
Dave's grin widened. "This one's on me. You can get the next one."
Next one? Aaron's frown faded and he shook his head. "Fine."
When they reached the parking lot a few minutes later, Dave stopped Aaron before he turned to his car, with just a brief touch to his shoulder. "We shouldn't have lost touch, Aaron," he said quietly. "I'm sorry about that. I know it was my fault."
Aaron shook his head. "No, it wasn't. I should have made more time." I should have made more time for everyone--you, Haley, Jack.
"I know what this life is like. I should have nagged you more often." Dave shook his head. "You may think I'm crazy, but it's good to be back."
"I don't think you're crazy at all." Aaron reached out and squeezed Dave's shoulder. "If I did, where would that leave me?" He offered a self-deprecating smile and started towards his car.
Dave smiled. "See you tomorrow."
*****
Dave had held a book in his hands all the way home, but he couldn't concentrate on reading. He wasn't interested in joining the others, particularly after his little confrontation with Morgan after they took out Henry Frost. He had no doubt that Morgan was relentless, and probably perceptive enough--and stubborn enough--to dig up the information he might need to put together Dave's main reason for coming back to the Bureau. Still, even that concern was at the back of his thoughts as he stared out the window of the jet all the way back to Quantico.
He hadn't lied when he'd told Morgan that Ruby Ridge and Waco started him thinking about leaving the Bureau. He'd been a cop before becoming a federal agent. He'd spent nearly half his life trying to protect people by the time Ruby Ridge happened in 1992...and suddenly he was viewed as the enemy, the outsider, a murderer. All because he worked for the FBI. It had shaken his faith, not just in his career, but in who he was.
Of course, that faith had been restored by an earnest younger man--a man whose voice spoke suddenly from just behind him as they walked into the BAU.
"You okay?" Aaron said softly. He'd started toward his own office, but then turned to follow Dave without a word until they were both inside.
Dave glanced over his shoulder and sighed, then went further into his office. The painters were finished, the walls a dark green that ought to absolutely fascinate Emily Prentiss while she tried to figure out if he was interested in fertility or creativity. At least Doctor Reid had tried to resist the urge to profile him. "I don't much like western states any more," he said finally. The chairs were still piled high with boxes and covered with drop clothes, so he dropped his ready bag on the floor and, after a moment, sat on the floor himself, leaning against his desk.
Aaron watched him, almost amused that Dave was sitting on the floor of his own office. Though, if Aaron was truthful, he couldn't stop watching Dave lately. And yes, part of that was professional--they couldn't afford to have Dave run roughshod over an investigation again--but it was more than just that. It was partly because, by some twist of fate, Aaron had an old friend thrown back into his life exactly when he needed it the most.
And because Aaron was watching Dave, he was thinking about Dave and their history for the first time in years. It was obvious Dave had moved on. He'd been married twice since he'd left the BAU, made a successful career for himself... moved on. And so had Aaron. Aaron found himself reminding himself lately that just because his own private life was falling apart lately, didn't mean that Dave's was too, and that the last time he turned to Dave during a moment of emotional crisis, it had ended in disaster.
Aaron sighed and walked over to the desk and sat against the edge, looking down at Dave. "I'm not such a fan of the east coast anymore." He looked up at the walls. The smell of paint was still a little overpowering. "The green is nice."
"What do you think it says about me?" Dave asked, shifting to look at the walls. If his shoulder just happened to brush Aaron's calf...well, that was entirely intentional. But he didn't think it would look that way.
"The color?" Aaron asked, glancing at Dave again at the touch but not moving. It felt good, actually. Aaron shrugged. "There's no reason for it to symbolize envy that I can see. Or sickness. Maybe rebirth, regeneration. New growth." He liked that interpretation, so he stopped there, especially seeing as how he wasn't sure the color was even what Dave meant.
"New growth." Dave smiled faintly. "You're going to start sending me to workshops, aren't you?" He leaned his head back against the desk. "You were the reason I stayed," he murmured after a minute.
Aaron's gaze snapped down to Dave, surprised by the admission, even if Gideon had told him as much ten years ago. Aaron frowned in thought. "I know," he said quietly. "And about the other thing, I think it says that you're good at your job."
"You think so?" Dave said. He didn't look at Aaron. It was ironic how their roles had reversed. Dave looked to Aaron for approval these days, and found himself warmed when he earned it. "I was with the Hostage Rescue Team that day, Aaron. It could've been my finger on that trigger, if things had gone differently. I was there as a negotiator, but I was carrying a gun just like everyone else."
"But it wasn't you. You did your job. And what I meant was that it's a good thing that, even after all this time has passed, you still care," Aaron said. "I've seen a lot of good agents burn out."
Dave laughed, though he wasn't really amused. "I don't know if anyone in my life has ever accused me of caring too much," he admitted.
"You care more easily than you want people to see," Aaron said, smiling softly. He'd wanted to say that maybe no one knew Dave quite as well as he did, but Aaron knew that was a big assumption to make after all these years of only occasionally talking, even if he and Dave were sitting here right now and all of Dave's other exes--if you could even be so bold to have called Aaron that--weren't. Still, Dave loved easily. Three marriages and at least one meaningful--Aaron hoped--whirlwind relationship with a younger co-worker were enough proof of that.
Dave's laugh came a little easier the second time. "You're the only person who believes that," he said, but his lips curled up. It was on the tip of his tongue to say Rita probably still believed that he'd never loved her at all, but he was tired of bringing up his ex-wives.
"Doesn't matter who else believes it," Aaron said. He glanced down again. "As comfortable as the floor looks... let's get out of here."
"You asking me out?" Dave joked, and stood, wincing as one of his knees cracked. "Damn, I hate getting old."
"It's inevitable." Aaron ignored the question though. He ignored the way it made him feel too.
"So where are we going?" Dave asked, shouldering his ready bag. "I think it's your turn to buy, so make it someplace expensive."
"I thought I might put something in the microwave for you." Aaron stepped into his office for a moment to grab his things. "But I have some really fancy microwave dinners, so I hope you won't be too disappointed."
"Wow, and here you used to cook real meals for me," Dave joked. "I guess I've come down in the world."
"Maybe I have," Aaron said, and then belatedly wondered if he was joking or not.
Dave snorted. "Not likely." He glanced at the bullpen, where Morgan and Prentiss were teasing Reid, who looked pleased about something. "You ought to come over and see Shithead one of these days. I'm convinced cats have a long memory. He still doesn't like Kay."
"I'm not sure I'm ready to test that theory yet," Aaron said.
Dave laughed, which made the others look over. He just shrugged and waved at them, then headed for the door, falling naturally in step with Aaron. "I'm sure he'd only bite you once or twice."
"I definitely liked it better when you really cooked for me," Dave said, pushing aside the remains of his microwave turkey, mashed potato and dressing dinner. The food hadn't really been bad, but eating together like this, in Aaron's home--in the house where they'd been together, if only for a short time--kept reminding him of how things used to be. Dave had spent the past two weeks telling himself to stop longing for the past and start looking at the present with an eye toward the future. It wasn't always possible, with a history as long as his and Aaron's.
Aaron glanced at Dave, then back at his own food, without a flicker of reaction on his face. "I give you Thanksgiving in a box and you complain."
Dave laughed. "Thanksgiving in a box." He glanced down at the meal, then folded his hands in prayer. "Thank God there wasn't any more of it." He gave Aaron a teasing look.
Aaron tried not to laugh, but he ended up snorting and grinning anyway. He turned to smile at Dave and then snatched the little molded plastic container away from Dave and went to throw it away with his own. He took a moment to breathe once he was in the kitchen alone. This was a little strange having Dave here. With Haley gone, it was so reminiscent of the time they'd spent here together before. "Do you want anything to drink?" he called out into the living room, where Dave was more than likely flipping the channel off of the news that Aaron had been peripherally watching.
Dave settled on some historical documentary and called back, "Sure, scotch if you have it, but anything's fine." He wasn't sure he wanted Aaron to be keeping scotch in his home. Aaron had never been as big a drinker as Dave, and while that could have changed over the years, Dave didn't want it to have changed since Haley moved out.
Aaron glanced back at the doorway, and then leaned out to look at Dave. He was momentarily distracted, frowning at the television, but turned back to look at Dave after a moment's hesitation. "I have wine. I think Haley left a bottle of rum, but I'm not sure."
"Wine sounds good." Dave shifted a little so he could look at Aaron. God, he was still as handsome as he'd ever been. Dave smiled.
Aaron looked back at Dave a moment, feeling oddly warmed by that smile. He made himself walk back into the kitchen. "It's red," he said, "and I'm changing the channel right back."
"Damn it, you know I hate the news," Dave said, but there was no heat to his argument. He stretched his legs out and leaned back into the couch, pleased. This felt familiar, comfortable, and yet there was an edge of unknown. How much had they changed over the years? His feelings hadn't changed a bit, but he had no real idea if Aaron even thought about their past much any more.
"And you know I like it, and I pay for the cable," Aaron said as he walked back into the living room. This was a discussion they'd had in some form or another since their partnership began, but somehow Aaron couldn't not remember having it while straddling Dave's lap when he saw Dave stretched out like he was. Aaron handed him a glass and sat.
Dave gave an exaggerated sigh and tipped his head in defeat. "Your house, your rules," he conceded. He took a sip of the wine, swirling it for a moment to taste. "Fantastic. God, this is just like old times." He took another sip of his wine as soon as he'd said it. Damn it, he'd been trying to wait for Aaron to bring up the past before he did.
Aaron turned his head to look at Dave, then shrugged and looked into his glass. "It's a good year. I'd been saving it for a special occasion, but..." He wasn't sure what he wanted to say--everything he thought of sounded too needy--so he just took a drink and stopped talking.
Dave made a noise of amusement and held out the TV remote. "I'm not sure whether I'm flattered or insulted." That was a lie. He couldn't help being flattered that Aaron had offered him the wine he'd been saving. He decided not to think about whether Aaron had bought it before or after he and Haley split up.
Aaron took the remote and rolled his eyes. "I should have thought of it sooner. I think it would have complimented the Stouffer's."
Dave smiled at the TV, which was now showing a wildfire somewhere out west. "Nah, the company improved the food enough."
"That sounds vaguely familiar," Aaron said without thinking.
"Vaguely?" Dave's smile widened and he closed his eyes. "God, that must have been ten years ago. More. Thirteen?" He opened his eyes again to take another sip.
"Around that," Aaron said, watching the smoke rising on the television. "You don't still have my faults listed in that thing, do you?" He reached over and tapped the notebook in Dave's breast pocket, then took a sip of his wine.
Dave looked down at the notebook, feeling a pang of emotion he didn't want to identify. "I only ever got around to listing two," he murmured. "One--perfectionist. Two--too fucking married."
Aaron expelled a breath of a laugh. "You've missed a lot over the years. Workaholic. Drill sergeant. Absentee dad..." He gave Dave a sad smile. "You really should get your pen out now, or you'll never catch up."
"I don't know, I think 'perfectionist' is a pretty good catch-all for workaholic and drill sergeant." Dave shifted a little so he could see Aaron better. "And I'm willing to bet that any time you ever spent with Jack, you gave him a hundred percent of yourself."
"It's not really enough." Aaron shook his head. "None of it was. And I'd do it all again in a heartbeat." He drew a long breath and looked at Dave. "What does that say about me?"
"It says you're selflessly dedicated to helping other people," Dave said without hesitation. "I already told you, you're the finest man I know. You're human. We all have limitations, even if you hate accepting yours."
Aaron wasn't sure what to say to that, mostly because he wanted to argue the point, argue that he was the one in the wrong. But he didn't think he would win the argument with Dave, and it didn't matter how wrong it was if he knew he was where he was supposed to be. Aaron dropped his head against the couch and swallowed, closing his eyes.
Dave licked his lips and tried to drag his eyes away from Aaron. It was impossible. "That's why perfectionist will always be number one on your list," he said, his voice a little huskier than he'd expected. He cleared his throat and turned his attention to his wine again.
The sound of Dave's voice sent an unexpected shiver down Aaron's spine, and he rolled his head to the side to look at Dave just as Dave looked away. He'd thought he saw an unexpected, but too familiar--even after all this time--expression on Dave's face just before he turned. Aaron shook himself and looked back at the TV. "Sorry."
"I'm not sure why you're apologizing," Dave said, glancing up at the TV. "I'm an arrogant, cranky bastard who's spent too much time in the limelight, I took part in one of the worst fiascoes the Bureau has ever been involved in, and I fucked up the first case I came back on...and you're apologizing for being a perfectionist." He shook his head. And this was why Aaron Hotchner was still the most powerful man Dave knew--he could get Dave to admit things like that when no one else ever could.
Aaron turned to look at Dave. It never stopped feeling good that Dave said things like that to him. Dave didn't just say that to anyone. Still, Aaron's lips curled slightly before he replied. "No. I'm apologizing because I had been meaning to make you feel better."
Dave laughed faintly. "I feel fine," he said. "The company improves a lot besides the food." He told himself to stop flirting with Aaron, but it was comfortable, easy.
"I happen to agree," Aaron replied, not looking away.
The look in Aaron's eyes seemed so familiar. It sent a thrill of heat through Dave, and he wondered if he still knew how to read Aaron. God, this felt good, like there was a hint of a promise that neither of them had spoken. Dave smiled slowly, his gaze warm on Aaron's.
Aaron smiled in return, feeling oddly warm even if he hadn't finished his glass of wine. He started to look down Dave's throat and chest, and then caught his wandering eyes and turned back to the TV, hoping Dave hadn't noticed.
Oh. That glance gave Dave his first real infusion of hope since he'd come back here. Falling back into their partnership had been fairly easy. But after spending weeks wondering if any of the old chemistry and heat was still there... It was a definite relief to know Aaron was still interested in looking. Dave sipped his wine and glanced back at the TV, feeling oddly excited.
Aaron drew a breath and shifted down on the couch, and possibly slightly closer to Dave, even as he told himself he was being stupid. The last thing he needed right now was to start thinking about this as more than it was. They watched the news for a bit longer and Aaron was starting to feel his eyes grow heavy. "We had a long day. You're welcome to stay if you want to. The guest bedroom is actually finished now."
Dave raised an eyebrow, thinking it over. He really ought to go home and check on his pets, but he'd had a friend feeding them while he was in Montana, and he hadn't yet called to say he was home... Come to think of it, he ought to see if Doris wanted to take custody of Mucci; it wasn't fair to keep a hunting dog in an apartment. He rubbed a hand over his face. "Sounds good, actually," he said. "If I wouldn't be in the way." He knew Aaron wouldn't have made the offer just to be polite, but it seemed like good manners to say it, anyway. The guest bedroom isn't really what I'm interested in, but I can be patient. For a while.
"In the way of what?" Aaron countered. He looked over and smiled faintly at Dave. "You think that, after you mocked my very generous offer of frozen food and my choice of entertainment, I wouldn't have gotten rid of you already if I didn't want you here?"
"Good point. You must not have anything better to do if you're inviting me over," Dave teased. "Let me grab my ready bag out of the car. I think I still have a clean change of clothes left."
"All right," Aaron said, and pushed off the couch to take their wine glasses to the sink. It seemed like a waste to open the bottle and then go right to bed, but they really didn't need to get drunk.
When Dave came in from the car, he dropped his bag by the front door, then glanced over at the TV, which was now off. "Going to bed already?" he asked mildly. He wouldn't really mind, but at the same time, he was reluctant to let the evening end yet.
"You're welcome to stay up if you want," Aaron called back. They didn't have to go in tomorrow, but Aaron was planning on it anyway. Somehow, he didn't think he should mention that. He was already planning to slip out before Dave was awake and leave him a key to let himself out. Even if he did want to stay up with Dave.
"Nah, the only reason to stay up is the company," Dave said, smiling as Aaron came back in. He picked up his bag and glanced around, wondering if the guest bedroom was where he expected it to be.
"Sorry," Aaron said, then inclined his head down the hallway and started going that way to show Dave where he was sleeping. He tried to ignore the tiny voice that told him he could offer Dave his bed. "Maybe I'm old enough for the both of us."
"Maybe you've just forgotten how to relax," Dave teased. He followed Aaron down the hall, trying not to remember other times they'd done this, with considerably less clothing on.
Aaron hummed thoughtfully, a little amused. "Maybe I don't want to remember." He pushed open the door to the guest bedroom and stood aside.
"Oh, that's just sad," Dave murmured. He gave Aaron a lopsided smile. "Maybe you need to be reminded. For your own good." He walked into the guest bedroom and looked around in assessment, then put his ready bag on the bed.
"I'm not sure there's anyone up for the challenge," Aaron replied. Except you, he realized a moment later, because he felt more relaxed now than he had in some time. "Let me know if you need anything," he said, then turned in the doorway to go, waiting for a moment to see if Dave did need anything.
Dave glanced over at Aaron, that smile lingering on his face. What I need, you're not ready for, he thought. But at least now I know it's not hopeless. "I'm fine, thanks. I hope you're not planning on getting up too early. Saturdays are still my day to sleep in, as long as JJ doesn't call us in."
"I won't wake you," Aaron said. "I have a fairly relentless internal alarm clock," he added, and then headed down the hall to get ready for bed. "Good night, Dave."
Part Five-b
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Date: 2009-01-16 05:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-16 05:22 am (UTC)Your comments are making me happy. *HUGS*
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Date: 2009-01-19 12:45 am (UTC)