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geekystudmuffinTitle: The Expansion of Two Natures, part six
Authors:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innerslytherin and severity_softly
Pairing: Hotch/Rossi, and a little Hotch/Haley
Rating: PG-13 for this part, NC-17 overall
Summary: When Aaron Hotchner is new to the BAU, he finds himself working closely with SSA David Rossi--one of the original founders of the department. As their relationship progresses, they realize what they have together is more than friendship...but circumstances keep them from having all that they knew they could have together. Years later, Dave has a second chance, just when Aaron needs a friend the most...
Word count: ~5,000 for this part, ~78,000 overall
Notes: RP format. Mild AU, as we played fast and loose with Hotch's already screwy back story (especially in regards to his work history and the timeline of his marriage to Haley).
Previous parts: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four-a, Part Four-b, Part Five-a, Part Five-b
"Love is the expansion of two natures in such fashion that each include the other, each is enriched by the other." - Felix Adler
The next few cases came and went in a whirl of emotion--stressful beyond the usual when one of their own was shot. Dave was by Aaron's side during their unofficial investigation into who shot Garcia, which ended in JJ having to take a life. It had been an incredible shot, nearly unbelievable, and the case had left the team shaken, but not broken. Perhaps closer than they had been before, and on a team like theirs that practically spent their lives together, that was saying quite a lot. Even Dave was starting to blend, to care in ways Aaron knew he eventually would grow to care, no matter what Dave actually said.
Then there had been the case in LA with Johnny McHale, and that one had been difficult for them all, since McHale had been truly unaware of his own behavior. And after LA had been Fredericksburg. Aaron knew Dave had felt a certain kinship with the retired police detective there, the way he had held on to the one case he'd never solved. It made Aaron think of the 'unfinished business' that had brought Dave back to the BAU. He'd never told Aaron what it was, but after Fredericksburg, Aaron thought it had something to do with a case Dave hadn't solved his first time around. He made a mental note to look into Dave's old cases, but as soon as they got back to the BAU, it was driven out of his mind by more pressing matters.
Dave was relieved when Morgan and Prentiss suggested they go out for drinks after they got back from the case in Fredericksburg. He liked the members of this team, liked the way they worked together and how everyone contributed different strengths to their cases. He agreed immediately, and was amused at the way Morgan ordered Reid to join them.
He was pleased when Aaron actually agreed to join the rest of them--and then things went wrong. It was painful to stand there and not be able to stop Prentiss from asking what the papers were; Dave knew for sure then that Aaron hadn't told anyone else, because he was the only one who'd recognized them the moment they walked in. Youngsters. What did they know about divorce? He clenched his jaw as Aaron explained tersely that Haley was filing for divorce and strode out of the BAU. Dave waved off everyone's questions and went after him.
He caught up in the parking lot. "Aaron."
Aaron drew a long breath and held back his first response; he wanted to snap, wanted to yell at someone, but this wasn't Dave's fault. Dave was just trying to be a good friend. "Yeah?" he said, not looking up from where he was opening his car door.
Dave went and leaned against the car, not looking directly at Aaron. "Come over to my place. We can drink and not talk, but I'm not letting you go home alone."
Aaron sighed and looked up as he opened the door and tossed the envelope with his divorce papers carelessly into the passenger seat. "Dave..." he started, and then forced the exasperation out of his voice. "I don't need a sitter. I'm fine."
"No, you don't a sitter. You need a friend. And you need to be reminded there are people who--care about you." Dave tried to say 'love', but frankly couldn't force the word out. Not to mention he didn't want to throw that word out in a situation like this. "I can understand not wanting to deal with the whole team, but this is just me and Shithead here." He tried to smile. "Shithead makes everything seem a little better."
"The cat probably doesn't remember me and likely won't take to me so well anymore," Aaron said, giving Dave an imploring look.
"Shithead loved you," Dave said. "You were always good for cuddles." Why was it easier to talk about the damn cat's emotions than his own? He shook his head. "Come on. Don't make me use my handcuffs."
Aaron stared at Dave for a long moment, and then a smile formed on his lips in spite of himself, even if he knew it probably looked a little sickly. "Cuddles?"
"What? I'm talking about Shithead," Dave muttered. He glanced sideways at Aaron.
"I never cuddled your cat," Aaron said.
"Shut up."
Aaron glanced away, the smile on his lips weakening a bit. He felt too tired to argue, and considering Dave had even managed to coax a smile from him was a good sign. He shook his head. "Where are you living now?"
"Come get in the truck. We'll swing by and get your car tomorrow."
Aaron nodded after a moment's thought, and followed Dave to the truck.
When they got to Dave's apartment, he opened the door slowly out of habit, then remembered Mucci was with Doris now. As soon as Shithead heard his keys jingling, though, he came running in, tail straight up in the air. He paused when he saw Aaron, then cautiously crossed the distance to sniff at his pant leg.
Aaron looked down at the cat and he couldn't not think about the last time he'd really seen it, standing in Dave's living room when Haley had come back and Dave had tried to leave the BAU. Now he was in a different apartment of Dave's in the exact opposite set of circumstances: Dave was back at the BAU and Haley was leaving Aaron. "Hello, cat," he murmured, trying to ignore the surge of emotion he was feeling.
Shithead purred and rubbed against him, leaving hair on his suit pants. Dave just smiled. "There, see, he remembers you." He headed for the kitchen. "Make yourself comfortable, I'll be right back with the scotch."
Aaron watched Dave go. "The head butting is just him marking me as his territory, not him remembering me," he called after Dave, but when Aaron went to sit on the couch, the cat jumped up in Aaron's lap. Aaron raised his eyebrow at it.
"I can't believe you're profiling my cat," Dave called back. He got the bottle of Glenfiddich and two glasses, then returned to the living room, where he found Shithead on Aaron's lap. "Anyway, you ought to be glad he's calling you his territory and not food." He sat on the couch near Aaron and poured them both a glass.
"To his credit, he's never once tried to eat me." Aaron took the glass and took a drink, enjoying the burn of it down his throat. He didn't drink often, and usually not the harder stuff, but tonight it felt appropriate.
"Like I said." Dave glanced over at him. "I think Shithead likes you almost more than he likes me." The thought flitted through his head that last time Haley had left, Aaron and Dave ended up in bed together. He tried to push it away. He hadn't liked the way things ended that time. And while he knew Aaron wouldn't be taking her back a third time, he wasn't sure if sex was really the best way to handle this situation.
"Maybe he prefers being called 'cat' over both Mr. Fluffy and 'Shithead'". The cat curled up in Aaron's lap and Aaron almost rolled his eyes. The damn cat did remember him, apparently. And Aaron was going to have to dry clean this suit. He lifted his hand to pet it and took another drink. "And maybe I did cuddle him once or twice when you weren't home," he joked, not quite managing the tone.
Dave laughed faintly and took a sip of his drink. Shithead was better therapy than anything Dave could say. After a moment he turned his head to look at Aaron, trying to assess his emotional state. He just got distracted by Aaron's eyelashes and the lost expression Aaron was trying to hide. God, he was gorgeous.
The longer the silence drew on, the more and more Aaron's chest ached. He'd been doing a good job ignoring it as long as he kept talking, but when he was forced to actually think, to sit there in his own head... it was difficult to manage. "Say something," he murmured after what felt like too long.
Dave sighed, wishing he had something wise or even witty to say. "I like having you in my life again." He looked down at Aaron's hand resting on Shithead's fur.
Aaron drew a deep breath, and then nodded. "I missed you too." Aaron squashed the fleeting impulse to move closer to Dave. The last time Haley left him, Aaron had pulled Dave into his hotel bed. It wouldn't be fair to do that to Dave again, or even reasonable to think Dave might want that again.
"Listen, whatever happens, no matter what, I'm here, Aaron." Dave was trying to resist the temptation to suggest a good hard fuck. They'd still only danced around the topic of their past relationship. And he'd got his papers tonight. Still, what did papers mean? Aaron had known it was coming. He had an empty house to prove it. Dave took a breath. "Anything you need, if I can help you, I will."
Aaron sucked in a breath, remembering that Dave had said very similar things the night Aaron pulled Dave into his bed the first time, a little thrill going through him that Aaron knew he most definitely shouldn't be feeling. "I know," he murmured, and reached out to close his hand around Dave's on the couch, because it was a safe enough gesture.
Dave's breath caught in his throat for a moment when Aaron's hand touched his. He turned his hand so he could grasp Aaron's back. He suddenly had no idea what to say, so he stared at their joined hands and didn't say anything.
"Thank you," Aaron whispered.
Dave swallowed. "Welcome. I'm glad if I can help." The heat of Aaron's hand in his was making it hard to think.
Aaron drew his thumb along the top of Dave's hand, then gave it a squeeze and let go, forcing himself not to think about what he was thinking about. It wouldn't solve anything to do things the way they had last time.
Dave's throat felt tight. He swallowed again, trying to get rid of the feeling. "Aaron..." he murmured, but words still didn't want to come. He supposed pulling Aaron into his arms wouldn't make things any clearer.
Aaron didn't answer at first, mostly because the tone of Dave's voice made him wonder if Dave was thinking the same thing. Or maybe it meant that Dave knew what Aaron was thinking about, and that was an entirely unsettling thought. "What?" he asked softly.
Dave shook his head. "I don't know. I don't know what to say right now...how to say what..." He just shrugged. This couldn't be the right time to ask Aaron to give them another shot at a relationship. It had to be too soon, in Aaron's mind, at least, even if not in Dave's.
Aaron turned his hand and gave the cat a scratch under his chin, just letting Dave talk. It wasn't often Dave admitted to not knowing what to say, or how to say something. Normally Dave just said things and then dealt with the consequences later. After a moment, Aaron ducked his head to talk to the cat, "I think he's malfunctioned."
Dave scowled at Aaron, though there was no heat to it. "Go away, Shithead."
Aaron smiled faintly and looked up at Dave. "There's no need for name calling," he murmured, holding Dave's gaze.
Dave's scowl faded at the expression on Aaron's face. "Some things haven't changed, Aaron," he said finally. His body felt like it was trying to strangle him, though whether it was because he was afraid of saying the wrong thing, or afraid of saying anything at all, he wasn't sure.
"I was beginning to get the feeling," Aaron said. He looked down at the strip of couch between them, then back at the cat. "Dave... I'm not sure this... is the time," he said.
"I know," Dave said. His voice came out a little choked, which was highly embarrassing. He sighed. "It's why I wasn't...didn't know...God, Aaron." He looked away, because his eyes were stinging suddenly, which was even more embarrassing. He shouldn't have said anything. But Aaron had touched him first.
Aaron's gaze snapped back up to Dave, and Dave wasn't looking at him. But Aaron had never heard him sound like that before, and he didn't have a clue what to do about it. "I'm not... feeling..." Especially strong right now, he thought, but couldn't manage the words. He reached up and cupped the opposite side of Dave's jaw. "What I did to you last time... It wasn't fair."
Dave closed his eyes and lifted one hand to cover Aaron's. "You didn't do anything to me. It took two of us for that." He took a deep breath and pulled Aaron's hand down from his face, but didn't let go of it. "But I know the timing of this is shit."
"The timing was shit last time too." Aaron stroked a thumb over Dave's hand. He sighed. "I used you to fill a void in my life, and it doesn't matter that I liked you, or that I cared about you deeply, it was what I did." He squeezed Dave's hand. "Care about you; present tense."
"Yeah, well." Dave wasn't sure if he felt better or worse. "That's why I wasn't malfunctioning. I had good reason for not knowing what to say." He sighed and reached down to gently nudge Shithead off Aaron's lap. "Come here," he ordered, holding out his arms.
Aaron stared at Dave for a moment, but then shifted into Dave's arms, leaning against his chest. It felt good. Strange in the way it always had felt to let another man hold him like this--not that he'd ever let any other man but Dave--but it felt good too. Aaron needed it, whether he would have admitted to that or not. "I've never been alone," he said after a while. "I went straight from my parents to a dorm room to Haley, and you were there when we were separated." He sighed, and forced the words he was thinking out before he could make himself keep them inside, feeling his chest tighten painfully. "I think I should be alone... for a while. I think I need to know what that's like and know what that means. I don't... think it's healthy to not know who I am without another person in my life... And if we still want this later, I want to be able to give you everything I didn't before, and... I can't do that right now." He suddenly felt like he couldn't breathe, not just because he wanted Dave now, but because he never imagined being able to say all of that to anyone.
Dave stroked his fingers through Aaron's hair and sighed. "Yeah," he said finally, closing his eyes. He didn't like it, but he did understand. And he knew Aaron was right. It just wasn't easy. Then again, nothing in life ever was. He tightened his arms around Aaron and hoped he wouldn't pull away yet.
Aaron closed his eyes at the touch and sighed, then slid his arms around Dave's waist. "That doesn't mean we have to stop this... unless it bothers you... to touch without more."
"I told you," Dave said quietly. "I just want to give you what you need right now. So whatever you need from me..." He trailed off.
"What I want and what I need are very different things, and this is... what I want." Aaron was so tempted to press his face to Dave's neck, but he didn't move. "I don't trust anything I want right now."
Dave sighed and turned his head to press his lips to Aaron's forehead. "I've felt this way for thirteen years," he said after a few moments. "I don't think it's going to go away while you find yourself."
Aaron opened his eyes, and took a deep breath, then pulled away to look at Dave, though he didn't move out of Dave's arms. "Dave, we were together a few weeks and you've been married twice since then," he said, smiling faintly.
Dave looked away from the expression on Aaron's face. Maybe he'd never known how much Dave cared. Maybe that was Dave's fault. Then again, maybe that was for the best. "Rita was me trying to get over you. Doris was me thinking I had. Can we move on?"
Aaron stared at Dave for a moment, the smile slowly fading off his face, and then he sat back. Dave loved him--had loved him for over a decade. Aaron had realized a long time ago that he had loved Dave too, but all Aaron could feel now was even more guilt. He pinched the bridge of his nose, and then rubbed his eyes. "Dave..." he murmured, then just shook his head.
Dave leaned forward and reached for the bottle to refill his glass. "Pity is not what I was looking for there," he said, an edge creeping into his voice. He glared at the scotch and drained it in a long swallow.
"I'm not pitying you," Aaron said quickly, not failing to notice Dave's sudden change in demeanor. He shook his head again. "Not enough to be responsible for one divorce. Now I am for three." He glanced at his own glass and then drew a breath. "Maybe I should go."
"Damn it, Aaron, you don't get responsibility for how I fucked up my life," Dave said. "I made all my own choices." He wasn't entirely sure why he was so angry, except that he knew he shouldn't have dredged up the past, not yet, not tonight. And he certainly hadn't expected Aaron to react like this when Dave finally revealed how he felt.
"Yeah, and so did I. And, apparently, I made the wrong ones," Aaron said, and he hadn't meant it quite the way it had come out--he'd meant that hurting Dave, making Dave's life more difficult, was the last thing Aaron had ever wanted, and that it was even more painful to Aaron to know that the hurt he inflicted had lasted so long--but there was no retracting his words now.
Dave moved further away from Aaron and stared at him. "Well pardon me for complicating your life," he bit out, stung. "Maybe I should have made it simpler by pointing out that Haley was a manipulative liar from the moment I met her!" Oh, shit, he really shouldn't have said that.
That shocked Aaron into silence for a moment, but then his temper flared. "Fuck you," he spat, and he turned to glare at Dave before he even had an opportunity to check his anger. He didn't waste another minute getting up and starting towards the door though.
"That's what started this whole fucking mess, isn't it?" Dave snapped back, standing up and following Aaron. "Don't you walk out on me, Aaron!"
"Or what?" Aaron growled, not turning around or slowing his stride.
It was a good question, and it should have stopped Dave in his tracks. What could he do? Nothing. Unfortunately he spoke before thinking. "I didn't have to come back, you know! I apparently don't have any reason to stay!"
Aaron stopped, and then turned to glare at Dave. "You're threatening to run away from me again?" he accused. "How's running away worked out for you, Dave? You've left, what, two successful careers, three marriages; you've spent the last several years of your life moving from town to town, seminar to seminar, person to person, and when it gets too hard, you leave." he said, and turned around again. "Learn a new act." God if Dave did leave, Aaron was never going to forgive himself, but right now he was too angry to care.
That did stop Dave in his tracks. He stared at Aaron's back, mouth hanging open as he fumbled for words that wouldn't come. Finally he snapped, "So what, you're going to give it a try tonight? Think it'll work any better for you? What is it you're running from here?"
"I'm not running," Aaron said, turning to fix Dave with another sharp glare. "I'm leaving before we say anything else we're going to regret. I nearly lost you once, and I won't do it again, unless you're planning on just not showing up tomorrow, in which case I'm not running after you again."
"Nearly lost me?" Dave repeated incredulously. "You married someone else, Aaron!" He closed his mouth then, his teeth clicking together, and stared at Aaron, breathing hard. "Fuck it," he muttered finally, and lunged forward, grabbing Aaron's shoulders and kissing him angrily.
Aaron made a startled noise, and resisted for a moment, but then started kissing Dave back with as much heat as Dave was giving. "You told me to marry her," he whispered, his tone still heated even as he bit at Dave's lips and started pulling open Dave's buttons with shaky fingers--shaking from anger or desire, he wasn't sure.
Dave pulled Aaron's tie off and pushed him back toward the wall. "What was I supposed to do, beg you not to leave me?" His heart was thumping madly in his chest as he nipped at Aaron's jaw.
"You can't blame me for something you never gave me a voice in," Aaron argued. He bared Dave's chest and ran his hands up it. "This is a terrible idea," he said, but his body was already responding, and he pulled Dave against him.
"This is the best damn idea we've had in weeks," Dave muttered, tugging the back of Aaron's shirt out of his pants to get to bare skin. "God, Aaron, couldn't you have tried a little harder to change my mind?" he whispered, and kissed him hard, one hand sliding up into his hair.
"Would you have listened?" Aaron countered, sliding his fingertips into the back of Dave's pants.
Dave closed his eyes and kissed Aaron's neck, then nipped. "Maybe. Shit, I don't know. I wanted to." He shoved Aaron back against the wall and started working on Aaron's buttons.
Aaron made a noise that was almost a laugh, but he couldn't really catch his breath. "You are such an asshole." He tugged at the back of Dave's shirt to get Dave to let it drop off.
"You've known that for thirteen years," Dave muttered, shrugging his shoulders and then flailing an arm impatiently to get his shirt off. "And you're an uptight hardass sometimes." He kissed Aaron again, pressing their chests together.
Aaron hummed into the kiss, then started pushing Dave back, nudging him gently, but firmly, towards the hallway. "You need that. You're reckless, and impatient, and... I still think this is a really bad idea," he said, kissing Dave again, his teeth scraping Dave's lower lip as his fingers curled into the top of Dave's pants.
"Maybe I do need that," Dave retorted when the kiss ended. "And maybe you need a good hard fuck to loosen you up." He found the hallway wall convenient to push Aaron against again, and worked a hand between them to undo Aaron's belt as they kissed.
The words Dave spoke sent a thrill through Hotch that went straight to his cock. He made a little noise of want, then threaded his fingers into Dave's hair, curling them tightly in the graying locks as he deepened their kiss. "I'm loose," he breathed.
Dave snorted. "Bullshit. You're a fucking drill sergeant." He bit at Aaron's jaw. "Driving everyone crazy."
Aaron turned them both and shoved Dave back against the wall. He kissed Dave hard and yanked at Dave's pants, pulling them open. "Keep going, and I won't be the one getting fucked."
"Always got to be in control, don't you?" Dave gasped, tangling his fingers in Aaron's hair--it was too short; Dave didn't know what had possessed Aaron to mangle it in this haircut. He bucked his hips against Aaron's, but it was only to provoke Aaron, not to really struggle.
Aaron drew in a shaky breath and then pushed against Dave's hips, pinning them back against the wall in immediate reaction to both the jolt of anger and the jolt of arousal that flooded Aaron at Dave's movement against him and at Dave's words. God, they really shouldn't do this. Not like this, not angry, not fighting. And Aaron was still angry; his heart was pounding against his chest. He pressed his head to Dave's shoulder, panting hard. "Maybe," he breathed. "Maybe I just haven't had enough."
"Enough what?" Dave demanded, confused. Aaron wasn't responding the way he'd expected, going still like that, and his words didn't make any sense. Dave slid his hand down just inside the back of Aaron's pants.
"Control," Aaron said, his voice shaky. He reached back and pulled Dave's hand away, and then stepped back, leaning against the wall and starting to pull his pants closed again.
"What the hell?" Dave glared at him. "You need to learn to give up a little control every once in a while!" He didn't move from where he was standing against the wall, but his shoulders slumped a little as he watched Aaron start re-dressing himself.
"Do I?" Aaron said, looking up and glaring back at Dave. "I slept with you the first time in a moment of weakness. I went back to Haley because you wouldn't even let me think about the other possibility. With the exception of my career, I've let Haley call every shot in our personal lives--hell, Dave, I even put in for a transfer last year because of her, when it was the last thing I wanted!" He started to pull his shirt closed too. "And now I'm letting you drag me down the hallway when this isn't a good idea?" He shook his head and walked back toward the living room. "Where's my tie?"
Dave ran a hand over his face. "I can't believe you're doing this," he muttered, leaning his head back against the wall. After several deep breaths, he made himself follow Aaron. "Probably on the floor by the door," he said, though he could see Aaron was already leaning down to get it. Oddly, the sight fanned his anger again. "And for the record, you're the one who started for the bedroom first," he snapped. "So you can't blame this all on me."
"I didn't say I was," Aaron called back angrily, not liking the tone of Dave's voice. Of course, Dave had kissed Aaron first, but that seemed like a childish argument. "I'm doing the right thing, what I should have done earlier."
"You're leaving," Dave said, his voice flat. He sighed. "Well, you're not going to get far, because you rode with me, remember?"
Aaron froze, and then turned to look at Dave. Shit. He'd completely forgotten that. He shook his head. "I'll call a cab," he muttered.
"Don't be such a jackass," Dave said, buttoning his pants. "I'll take you back to Quantico." He rubbed his hands over his face again and went looking for his shirt.
"No, really, it's not a problem," Aaron murmured.
"Aaron. God. No matter what, we're still partners," Dave said. He didn't want the evening to end like this. He was still angry that Aaron was leaving with this unresolved, but he could understand why.
Aaron sighed and slumped back against the wall, shoving his tie in his pocket instead of putting it back on. "We're not partners, Dave."
Dave shook his head. "We've been partners for thirteen years, Aaron. That doesn't go away just because I quit the Bureau or because you decided to start people working as a team."
"I didn't decide that," Aaron said, but the fight had all but gone out of his voice completely, and suddenly he was just tired.
"Just...shut up, Aaron," Dave said. He got his keys off the kitchen counter and looked at Aaron.
Aaron rolled his eyes and looked at Dave, but didn't speak. He wasn't even sure what to say. After a moment, he just turned and pulled the door open, then walked out the front door.
The drive back to the BAU was silent. Dave didn't know what to say, and Aaron was apparently taking him literally. When they pulled up next to Aaron's car, Dave put his truck in gear and leaned on the steering wheel. "Aaron..."
Aaron had been staring silently out the window. The night had gone from good, to awful, to comfortable, then back to awful again. Aaron felt drained and oddly empty, and maybe it had been a good thing for them to yell at each other, but Aaron wasn't really sure of that just yet. "Yeah?" he asked softly, not looking over.
Dave shook his head and looked over at him. "I don't know. Just..." He licked his lips and lifted one hand to touch Aaron's shoulder briefly. "See you later."
Aaron turned towards Dave, but still didn't look at him, then nodded. "Yeah." He wanted to touch Dave's hand, but after a moment, he just got out of the car and started towards his own.
Dave didn't move until Aaron's tail-lights had faded. Then he put his truck back in gear and headed for home.
Part Seven
Authors:
innerslytherin and severity_softlyPairing: Hotch/Rossi, and a little Hotch/Haley
Rating: PG-13 for this part, NC-17 overall
Summary: When Aaron Hotchner is new to the BAU, he finds himself working closely with SSA David Rossi--one of the original founders of the department. As their relationship progresses, they realize what they have together is more than friendship...but circumstances keep them from having all that they knew they could have together. Years later, Dave has a second chance, just when Aaron needs a friend the most...
Word count: ~5,000 for this part, ~78,000 overall
Notes: RP format. Mild AU, as we played fast and loose with Hotch's already screwy back story (especially in regards to his work history and the timeline of his marriage to Haley).
Previous parts: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four-a, Part Four-b, Part Five-a, Part Five-b
"Love is the expansion of two natures in such fashion that each include the other, each is enriched by the other." - Felix Adler
The next few cases came and went in a whirl of emotion--stressful beyond the usual when one of their own was shot. Dave was by Aaron's side during their unofficial investigation into who shot Garcia, which ended in JJ having to take a life. It had been an incredible shot, nearly unbelievable, and the case had left the team shaken, but not broken. Perhaps closer than they had been before, and on a team like theirs that practically spent their lives together, that was saying quite a lot. Even Dave was starting to blend, to care in ways Aaron knew he eventually would grow to care, no matter what Dave actually said.
Then there had been the case in LA with Johnny McHale, and that one had been difficult for them all, since McHale had been truly unaware of his own behavior. And after LA had been Fredericksburg. Aaron knew Dave had felt a certain kinship with the retired police detective there, the way he had held on to the one case he'd never solved. It made Aaron think of the 'unfinished business' that had brought Dave back to the BAU. He'd never told Aaron what it was, but after Fredericksburg, Aaron thought it had something to do with a case Dave hadn't solved his first time around. He made a mental note to look into Dave's old cases, but as soon as they got back to the BAU, it was driven out of his mind by more pressing matters.
Dave was relieved when Morgan and Prentiss suggested they go out for drinks after they got back from the case in Fredericksburg. He liked the members of this team, liked the way they worked together and how everyone contributed different strengths to their cases. He agreed immediately, and was amused at the way Morgan ordered Reid to join them.
He was pleased when Aaron actually agreed to join the rest of them--and then things went wrong. It was painful to stand there and not be able to stop Prentiss from asking what the papers were; Dave knew for sure then that Aaron hadn't told anyone else, because he was the only one who'd recognized them the moment they walked in. Youngsters. What did they know about divorce? He clenched his jaw as Aaron explained tersely that Haley was filing for divorce and strode out of the BAU. Dave waved off everyone's questions and went after him.
He caught up in the parking lot. "Aaron."
Aaron drew a long breath and held back his first response; he wanted to snap, wanted to yell at someone, but this wasn't Dave's fault. Dave was just trying to be a good friend. "Yeah?" he said, not looking up from where he was opening his car door.
Dave went and leaned against the car, not looking directly at Aaron. "Come over to my place. We can drink and not talk, but I'm not letting you go home alone."
Aaron sighed and looked up as he opened the door and tossed the envelope with his divorce papers carelessly into the passenger seat. "Dave..." he started, and then forced the exasperation out of his voice. "I don't need a sitter. I'm fine."
"No, you don't a sitter. You need a friend. And you need to be reminded there are people who--care about you." Dave tried to say 'love', but frankly couldn't force the word out. Not to mention he didn't want to throw that word out in a situation like this. "I can understand not wanting to deal with the whole team, but this is just me and Shithead here." He tried to smile. "Shithead makes everything seem a little better."
"The cat probably doesn't remember me and likely won't take to me so well anymore," Aaron said, giving Dave an imploring look.
"Shithead loved you," Dave said. "You were always good for cuddles." Why was it easier to talk about the damn cat's emotions than his own? He shook his head. "Come on. Don't make me use my handcuffs."
Aaron stared at Dave for a long moment, and then a smile formed on his lips in spite of himself, even if he knew it probably looked a little sickly. "Cuddles?"
"What? I'm talking about Shithead," Dave muttered. He glanced sideways at Aaron.
"I never cuddled your cat," Aaron said.
"Shut up."
Aaron glanced away, the smile on his lips weakening a bit. He felt too tired to argue, and considering Dave had even managed to coax a smile from him was a good sign. He shook his head. "Where are you living now?"
"Come get in the truck. We'll swing by and get your car tomorrow."
Aaron nodded after a moment's thought, and followed Dave to the truck.
When they got to Dave's apartment, he opened the door slowly out of habit, then remembered Mucci was with Doris now. As soon as Shithead heard his keys jingling, though, he came running in, tail straight up in the air. He paused when he saw Aaron, then cautiously crossed the distance to sniff at his pant leg.
Aaron looked down at the cat and he couldn't not think about the last time he'd really seen it, standing in Dave's living room when Haley had come back and Dave had tried to leave the BAU. Now he was in a different apartment of Dave's in the exact opposite set of circumstances: Dave was back at the BAU and Haley was leaving Aaron. "Hello, cat," he murmured, trying to ignore the surge of emotion he was feeling.
Shithead purred and rubbed against him, leaving hair on his suit pants. Dave just smiled. "There, see, he remembers you." He headed for the kitchen. "Make yourself comfortable, I'll be right back with the scotch."
Aaron watched Dave go. "The head butting is just him marking me as his territory, not him remembering me," he called after Dave, but when Aaron went to sit on the couch, the cat jumped up in Aaron's lap. Aaron raised his eyebrow at it.
"I can't believe you're profiling my cat," Dave called back. He got the bottle of Glenfiddich and two glasses, then returned to the living room, where he found Shithead on Aaron's lap. "Anyway, you ought to be glad he's calling you his territory and not food." He sat on the couch near Aaron and poured them both a glass.
"To his credit, he's never once tried to eat me." Aaron took the glass and took a drink, enjoying the burn of it down his throat. He didn't drink often, and usually not the harder stuff, but tonight it felt appropriate.
"Like I said." Dave glanced over at him. "I think Shithead likes you almost more than he likes me." The thought flitted through his head that last time Haley had left, Aaron and Dave ended up in bed together. He tried to push it away. He hadn't liked the way things ended that time. And while he knew Aaron wouldn't be taking her back a third time, he wasn't sure if sex was really the best way to handle this situation.
"Maybe he prefers being called 'cat' over both Mr. Fluffy and 'Shithead'". The cat curled up in Aaron's lap and Aaron almost rolled his eyes. The damn cat did remember him, apparently. And Aaron was going to have to dry clean this suit. He lifted his hand to pet it and took another drink. "And maybe I did cuddle him once or twice when you weren't home," he joked, not quite managing the tone.
Dave laughed faintly and took a sip of his drink. Shithead was better therapy than anything Dave could say. After a moment he turned his head to look at Aaron, trying to assess his emotional state. He just got distracted by Aaron's eyelashes and the lost expression Aaron was trying to hide. God, he was gorgeous.
The longer the silence drew on, the more and more Aaron's chest ached. He'd been doing a good job ignoring it as long as he kept talking, but when he was forced to actually think, to sit there in his own head... it was difficult to manage. "Say something," he murmured after what felt like too long.
Dave sighed, wishing he had something wise or even witty to say. "I like having you in my life again." He looked down at Aaron's hand resting on Shithead's fur.
Aaron drew a deep breath, and then nodded. "I missed you too." Aaron squashed the fleeting impulse to move closer to Dave. The last time Haley left him, Aaron had pulled Dave into his hotel bed. It wouldn't be fair to do that to Dave again, or even reasonable to think Dave might want that again.
"Listen, whatever happens, no matter what, I'm here, Aaron." Dave was trying to resist the temptation to suggest a good hard fuck. They'd still only danced around the topic of their past relationship. And he'd got his papers tonight. Still, what did papers mean? Aaron had known it was coming. He had an empty house to prove it. Dave took a breath. "Anything you need, if I can help you, I will."
Aaron sucked in a breath, remembering that Dave had said very similar things the night Aaron pulled Dave into his bed the first time, a little thrill going through him that Aaron knew he most definitely shouldn't be feeling. "I know," he murmured, and reached out to close his hand around Dave's on the couch, because it was a safe enough gesture.
Dave's breath caught in his throat for a moment when Aaron's hand touched his. He turned his hand so he could grasp Aaron's back. He suddenly had no idea what to say, so he stared at their joined hands and didn't say anything.
"Thank you," Aaron whispered.
Dave swallowed. "Welcome. I'm glad if I can help." The heat of Aaron's hand in his was making it hard to think.
Aaron drew his thumb along the top of Dave's hand, then gave it a squeeze and let go, forcing himself not to think about what he was thinking about. It wouldn't solve anything to do things the way they had last time.
Dave's throat felt tight. He swallowed again, trying to get rid of the feeling. "Aaron..." he murmured, but words still didn't want to come. He supposed pulling Aaron into his arms wouldn't make things any clearer.
Aaron didn't answer at first, mostly because the tone of Dave's voice made him wonder if Dave was thinking the same thing. Or maybe it meant that Dave knew what Aaron was thinking about, and that was an entirely unsettling thought. "What?" he asked softly.
Dave shook his head. "I don't know. I don't know what to say right now...how to say what..." He just shrugged. This couldn't be the right time to ask Aaron to give them another shot at a relationship. It had to be too soon, in Aaron's mind, at least, even if not in Dave's.
Aaron turned his hand and gave the cat a scratch under his chin, just letting Dave talk. It wasn't often Dave admitted to not knowing what to say, or how to say something. Normally Dave just said things and then dealt with the consequences later. After a moment, Aaron ducked his head to talk to the cat, "I think he's malfunctioned."
Dave scowled at Aaron, though there was no heat to it. "Go away, Shithead."
Aaron smiled faintly and looked up at Dave. "There's no need for name calling," he murmured, holding Dave's gaze.
Dave's scowl faded at the expression on Aaron's face. "Some things haven't changed, Aaron," he said finally. His body felt like it was trying to strangle him, though whether it was because he was afraid of saying the wrong thing, or afraid of saying anything at all, he wasn't sure.
"I was beginning to get the feeling," Aaron said. He looked down at the strip of couch between them, then back at the cat. "Dave... I'm not sure this... is the time," he said.
"I know," Dave said. His voice came out a little choked, which was highly embarrassing. He sighed. "It's why I wasn't...didn't know...God, Aaron." He looked away, because his eyes were stinging suddenly, which was even more embarrassing. He shouldn't have said anything. But Aaron had touched him first.
Aaron's gaze snapped back up to Dave, and Dave wasn't looking at him. But Aaron had never heard him sound like that before, and he didn't have a clue what to do about it. "I'm not... feeling..." Especially strong right now, he thought, but couldn't manage the words. He reached up and cupped the opposite side of Dave's jaw. "What I did to you last time... It wasn't fair."
Dave closed his eyes and lifted one hand to cover Aaron's. "You didn't do anything to me. It took two of us for that." He took a deep breath and pulled Aaron's hand down from his face, but didn't let go of it. "But I know the timing of this is shit."
"The timing was shit last time too." Aaron stroked a thumb over Dave's hand. He sighed. "I used you to fill a void in my life, and it doesn't matter that I liked you, or that I cared about you deeply, it was what I did." He squeezed Dave's hand. "Care about you; present tense."
"Yeah, well." Dave wasn't sure if he felt better or worse. "That's why I wasn't malfunctioning. I had good reason for not knowing what to say." He sighed and reached down to gently nudge Shithead off Aaron's lap. "Come here," he ordered, holding out his arms.
Aaron stared at Dave for a moment, but then shifted into Dave's arms, leaning against his chest. It felt good. Strange in the way it always had felt to let another man hold him like this--not that he'd ever let any other man but Dave--but it felt good too. Aaron needed it, whether he would have admitted to that or not. "I've never been alone," he said after a while. "I went straight from my parents to a dorm room to Haley, and you were there when we were separated." He sighed, and forced the words he was thinking out before he could make himself keep them inside, feeling his chest tighten painfully. "I think I should be alone... for a while. I think I need to know what that's like and know what that means. I don't... think it's healthy to not know who I am without another person in my life... And if we still want this later, I want to be able to give you everything I didn't before, and... I can't do that right now." He suddenly felt like he couldn't breathe, not just because he wanted Dave now, but because he never imagined being able to say all of that to anyone.
Dave stroked his fingers through Aaron's hair and sighed. "Yeah," he said finally, closing his eyes. He didn't like it, but he did understand. And he knew Aaron was right. It just wasn't easy. Then again, nothing in life ever was. He tightened his arms around Aaron and hoped he wouldn't pull away yet.
Aaron closed his eyes at the touch and sighed, then slid his arms around Dave's waist. "That doesn't mean we have to stop this... unless it bothers you... to touch without more."
"I told you," Dave said quietly. "I just want to give you what you need right now. So whatever you need from me..." He trailed off.
"What I want and what I need are very different things, and this is... what I want." Aaron was so tempted to press his face to Dave's neck, but he didn't move. "I don't trust anything I want right now."
Dave sighed and turned his head to press his lips to Aaron's forehead. "I've felt this way for thirteen years," he said after a few moments. "I don't think it's going to go away while you find yourself."
Aaron opened his eyes, and took a deep breath, then pulled away to look at Dave, though he didn't move out of Dave's arms. "Dave, we were together a few weeks and you've been married twice since then," he said, smiling faintly.
Dave looked away from the expression on Aaron's face. Maybe he'd never known how much Dave cared. Maybe that was Dave's fault. Then again, maybe that was for the best. "Rita was me trying to get over you. Doris was me thinking I had. Can we move on?"
Aaron stared at Dave for a moment, the smile slowly fading off his face, and then he sat back. Dave loved him--had loved him for over a decade. Aaron had realized a long time ago that he had loved Dave too, but all Aaron could feel now was even more guilt. He pinched the bridge of his nose, and then rubbed his eyes. "Dave..." he murmured, then just shook his head.
Dave leaned forward and reached for the bottle to refill his glass. "Pity is not what I was looking for there," he said, an edge creeping into his voice. He glared at the scotch and drained it in a long swallow.
"I'm not pitying you," Aaron said quickly, not failing to notice Dave's sudden change in demeanor. He shook his head again. "Not enough to be responsible for one divorce. Now I am for three." He glanced at his own glass and then drew a breath. "Maybe I should go."
"Damn it, Aaron, you don't get responsibility for how I fucked up my life," Dave said. "I made all my own choices." He wasn't entirely sure why he was so angry, except that he knew he shouldn't have dredged up the past, not yet, not tonight. And he certainly hadn't expected Aaron to react like this when Dave finally revealed how he felt.
"Yeah, and so did I. And, apparently, I made the wrong ones," Aaron said, and he hadn't meant it quite the way it had come out--he'd meant that hurting Dave, making Dave's life more difficult, was the last thing Aaron had ever wanted, and that it was even more painful to Aaron to know that the hurt he inflicted had lasted so long--but there was no retracting his words now.
Dave moved further away from Aaron and stared at him. "Well pardon me for complicating your life," he bit out, stung. "Maybe I should have made it simpler by pointing out that Haley was a manipulative liar from the moment I met her!" Oh, shit, he really shouldn't have said that.
That shocked Aaron into silence for a moment, but then his temper flared. "Fuck you," he spat, and he turned to glare at Dave before he even had an opportunity to check his anger. He didn't waste another minute getting up and starting towards the door though.
"That's what started this whole fucking mess, isn't it?" Dave snapped back, standing up and following Aaron. "Don't you walk out on me, Aaron!"
"Or what?" Aaron growled, not turning around or slowing his stride.
It was a good question, and it should have stopped Dave in his tracks. What could he do? Nothing. Unfortunately he spoke before thinking. "I didn't have to come back, you know! I apparently don't have any reason to stay!"
Aaron stopped, and then turned to glare at Dave. "You're threatening to run away from me again?" he accused. "How's running away worked out for you, Dave? You've left, what, two successful careers, three marriages; you've spent the last several years of your life moving from town to town, seminar to seminar, person to person, and when it gets too hard, you leave." he said, and turned around again. "Learn a new act." God if Dave did leave, Aaron was never going to forgive himself, but right now he was too angry to care.
That did stop Dave in his tracks. He stared at Aaron's back, mouth hanging open as he fumbled for words that wouldn't come. Finally he snapped, "So what, you're going to give it a try tonight? Think it'll work any better for you? What is it you're running from here?"
"I'm not running," Aaron said, turning to fix Dave with another sharp glare. "I'm leaving before we say anything else we're going to regret. I nearly lost you once, and I won't do it again, unless you're planning on just not showing up tomorrow, in which case I'm not running after you again."
"Nearly lost me?" Dave repeated incredulously. "You married someone else, Aaron!" He closed his mouth then, his teeth clicking together, and stared at Aaron, breathing hard. "Fuck it," he muttered finally, and lunged forward, grabbing Aaron's shoulders and kissing him angrily.
Aaron made a startled noise, and resisted for a moment, but then started kissing Dave back with as much heat as Dave was giving. "You told me to marry her," he whispered, his tone still heated even as he bit at Dave's lips and started pulling open Dave's buttons with shaky fingers--shaking from anger or desire, he wasn't sure.
Dave pulled Aaron's tie off and pushed him back toward the wall. "What was I supposed to do, beg you not to leave me?" His heart was thumping madly in his chest as he nipped at Aaron's jaw.
"You can't blame me for something you never gave me a voice in," Aaron argued. He bared Dave's chest and ran his hands up it. "This is a terrible idea," he said, but his body was already responding, and he pulled Dave against him.
"This is the best damn idea we've had in weeks," Dave muttered, tugging the back of Aaron's shirt out of his pants to get to bare skin. "God, Aaron, couldn't you have tried a little harder to change my mind?" he whispered, and kissed him hard, one hand sliding up into his hair.
"Would you have listened?" Aaron countered, sliding his fingertips into the back of Dave's pants.
Dave closed his eyes and kissed Aaron's neck, then nipped. "Maybe. Shit, I don't know. I wanted to." He shoved Aaron back against the wall and started working on Aaron's buttons.
Aaron made a noise that was almost a laugh, but he couldn't really catch his breath. "You are such an asshole." He tugged at the back of Dave's shirt to get Dave to let it drop off.
"You've known that for thirteen years," Dave muttered, shrugging his shoulders and then flailing an arm impatiently to get his shirt off. "And you're an uptight hardass sometimes." He kissed Aaron again, pressing their chests together.
Aaron hummed into the kiss, then started pushing Dave back, nudging him gently, but firmly, towards the hallway. "You need that. You're reckless, and impatient, and... I still think this is a really bad idea," he said, kissing Dave again, his teeth scraping Dave's lower lip as his fingers curled into the top of Dave's pants.
"Maybe I do need that," Dave retorted when the kiss ended. "And maybe you need a good hard fuck to loosen you up." He found the hallway wall convenient to push Aaron against again, and worked a hand between them to undo Aaron's belt as they kissed.
The words Dave spoke sent a thrill through Hotch that went straight to his cock. He made a little noise of want, then threaded his fingers into Dave's hair, curling them tightly in the graying locks as he deepened their kiss. "I'm loose," he breathed.
Dave snorted. "Bullshit. You're a fucking drill sergeant." He bit at Aaron's jaw. "Driving everyone crazy."
Aaron turned them both and shoved Dave back against the wall. He kissed Dave hard and yanked at Dave's pants, pulling them open. "Keep going, and I won't be the one getting fucked."
"Always got to be in control, don't you?" Dave gasped, tangling his fingers in Aaron's hair--it was too short; Dave didn't know what had possessed Aaron to mangle it in this haircut. He bucked his hips against Aaron's, but it was only to provoke Aaron, not to really struggle.
Aaron drew in a shaky breath and then pushed against Dave's hips, pinning them back against the wall in immediate reaction to both the jolt of anger and the jolt of arousal that flooded Aaron at Dave's movement against him and at Dave's words. God, they really shouldn't do this. Not like this, not angry, not fighting. And Aaron was still angry; his heart was pounding against his chest. He pressed his head to Dave's shoulder, panting hard. "Maybe," he breathed. "Maybe I just haven't had enough."
"Enough what?" Dave demanded, confused. Aaron wasn't responding the way he'd expected, going still like that, and his words didn't make any sense. Dave slid his hand down just inside the back of Aaron's pants.
"Control," Aaron said, his voice shaky. He reached back and pulled Dave's hand away, and then stepped back, leaning against the wall and starting to pull his pants closed again.
"What the hell?" Dave glared at him. "You need to learn to give up a little control every once in a while!" He didn't move from where he was standing against the wall, but his shoulders slumped a little as he watched Aaron start re-dressing himself.
"Do I?" Aaron said, looking up and glaring back at Dave. "I slept with you the first time in a moment of weakness. I went back to Haley because you wouldn't even let me think about the other possibility. With the exception of my career, I've let Haley call every shot in our personal lives--hell, Dave, I even put in for a transfer last year because of her, when it was the last thing I wanted!" He started to pull his shirt closed too. "And now I'm letting you drag me down the hallway when this isn't a good idea?" He shook his head and walked back toward the living room. "Where's my tie?"
Dave ran a hand over his face. "I can't believe you're doing this," he muttered, leaning his head back against the wall. After several deep breaths, he made himself follow Aaron. "Probably on the floor by the door," he said, though he could see Aaron was already leaning down to get it. Oddly, the sight fanned his anger again. "And for the record, you're the one who started for the bedroom first," he snapped. "So you can't blame this all on me."
"I didn't say I was," Aaron called back angrily, not liking the tone of Dave's voice. Of course, Dave had kissed Aaron first, but that seemed like a childish argument. "I'm doing the right thing, what I should have done earlier."
"You're leaving," Dave said, his voice flat. He sighed. "Well, you're not going to get far, because you rode with me, remember?"
Aaron froze, and then turned to look at Dave. Shit. He'd completely forgotten that. He shook his head. "I'll call a cab," he muttered.
"Don't be such a jackass," Dave said, buttoning his pants. "I'll take you back to Quantico." He rubbed his hands over his face again and went looking for his shirt.
"No, really, it's not a problem," Aaron murmured.
"Aaron. God. No matter what, we're still partners," Dave said. He didn't want the evening to end like this. He was still angry that Aaron was leaving with this unresolved, but he could understand why.
Aaron sighed and slumped back against the wall, shoving his tie in his pocket instead of putting it back on. "We're not partners, Dave."
Dave shook his head. "We've been partners for thirteen years, Aaron. That doesn't go away just because I quit the Bureau or because you decided to start people working as a team."
"I didn't decide that," Aaron said, but the fight had all but gone out of his voice completely, and suddenly he was just tired.
"Just...shut up, Aaron," Dave said. He got his keys off the kitchen counter and looked at Aaron.
Aaron rolled his eyes and looked at Dave, but didn't speak. He wasn't even sure what to say. After a moment, he just turned and pulled the door open, then walked out the front door.
The drive back to the BAU was silent. Dave didn't know what to say, and Aaron was apparently taking him literally. When they pulled up next to Aaron's car, Dave put his truck in gear and leaned on the steering wheel. "Aaron..."
Aaron had been staring silently out the window. The night had gone from good, to awful, to comfortable, then back to awful again. Aaron felt drained and oddly empty, and maybe it had been a good thing for them to yell at each other, but Aaron wasn't really sure of that just yet. "Yeah?" he asked softly, not looking over.
Dave shook his head and looked over at him. "I don't know. Just..." He licked his lips and lifted one hand to touch Aaron's shoulder briefly. "See you later."
Aaron turned towards Dave, but still didn't look at him, then nodded. "Yeah." He wanted to touch Dave's hand, but after a moment, he just got out of the car and started towards his own.
Dave didn't move until Aaron's tail-lights had faded. Then he put his truck back in gear and headed for home.
Part Seven
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2008-12-31 02:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-31 03:02 am (UTC)^_^ Stick with us. Despite the ups and downs, Hotch/Rossi is our comfort pairing. *G*
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Date: 2009-01-02 02:54 am (UTC)Thanks so much!
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Date: 2008-12-31 03:04 am (UTC)And the cat! *grins* Love the name of the cat.
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Date: 2008-12-31 03:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-02 02:56 am (UTC)Thanks so much!
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Date: 2008-12-31 06:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-01 02:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-02 02:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-31 07:53 am (UTC)I seriously love this fic - there really isn't enough Hotch/Rossi out there. :)
Also, I love this line: After a moment, Aaron ducked his head to talk to the cat, "I think he's malfunctioned."
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Date: 2009-01-01 02:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-02 02:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-31 10:15 am (UTC)Hopefully things will be clearer in the morning for both of them and they won't let this sit between them unresolved.
Laura.
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Date: 2009-01-01 02:02 am (UTC)And honestly? We both love angry!sex, but it just didn't feel right for these two, especially in this fic. Aaron just couldn't let that happen.
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Date: 2009-01-01 12:54 pm (UTC)Weeeellll... Yes, you two are safe. I meant the silly boys with their unnecessary argument ;).
Laura.
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Date: 2009-01-02 02:58 am (UTC)LMAO! Wasn't it though? *VBG*
I'm so glad your liking it! Thank you for all your wonderful comments!
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Date: 2008-12-31 07:45 pm (UTC)Great tension here - looking forward to more!
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Date: 2009-01-01 02:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-02 02:59 am (UTC)I'm glad you're liking it. Thank you!